The team makes their descent into the mines of Novis and begin the search for Cleary’s gem. As usual, they encounter a rocky situation - though this one is rockier than most. Lucille makes a friend that reminds her of home. Meanwhile, Timmit hears some unsettling noises. . .
Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and fantasy violence.
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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross
Noah is Steven Edwards
Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome
Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman
Magnolia is Jorja Odd
Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant
Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)
We’re on the lookout for two people to join the team as a Transcriber and Community Manager. Send us an email if that sounds like you!
Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com
Sound effects used in this episode include:
Water, Pouring, A - InspectorJ
Cosmos13 - levelclearer
lizard1 - -sihil
Light Bulb Pops - CGEffex
05429 destroying ray whoosh - Robinhood76
Synthetic Chipring - Owdeo
Baby Goat Bleating - OBXJohn
Wind Chime, Gamelan Gong - InspectorJ
Beating Wings - juskiddink
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.
The team makes their descent into the mines of Novis and begin the search for Cleary’s gem. As usual, they encounter a rocky situation - though this one is rockier than most. Lucille makes a friend that reminds her of home. Meanwhile, Timmit hears some unsettling noises. . .
Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and fantasy violence.
Find us on Instagram
Follow us on TikTok
Like us on Facebook
Follow us on Threads
Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross
Noah is Steven Edwards
Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome
Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman
Magnolia is Jorja Odd
Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant
Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)
We’re on the lookout for two people to join the team as a Transcriber and Community Manager. Send us an email if that sounds like you!
Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com
Sound effects used in this episode include:
Water, Pouring, A - InspectorJ
Cosmos13 - levelclearer
lizard1 - -sihil
Light Bulb Pops - CGEffex
05429 destroying ray whoosh - Robinhood76
Synthetic Chipring - Owdeo
Baby Goat Bleating - OBXJohn
Wind Chime, Gamelan Gong - InspectorJ
Beating Wings - juskiddink
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.
Olive/Timmit: Portal Quandary has some content Warnings. You can find them in the episode description.
Tyrone/Alabaster: Dear Garnet. I have so much to tell you from our first week! We’ll have to communicate by letter, as all of the different magical energies in the mines mess with the rubies - with anything magical, really. Even once we’re out of the mines, the lodging we’ve set up is close enough to all of it that it affects them so they aren’t reliable. I guess for once I’m a bit lucky that my magical capability is quite rubbish. We’ve been warned against doing any magic if we can help it, at least for the time being. But that’s the least of things! We thought we got really lucky finding a gemstone-rich area, and there are some ore deposits too that would help the blacksmiths a lot too. But there’s a problem. We were clearing a new path, and suddenly a section of the wall caves and we realise we’ve mined into this huge underground cavern, lava pools everywhere. Only there’s something living down there - I saw it myself. A huge creature, crawling at us from out of the lava. I’ve never moved so fast in my life getting back above ground. Without realising, we’ve mind straight into what Solas is certain is an Astrolustris den - I didn’t even think we’d be in danger of coming across many Lustris, let alone an Astro! I’m still in shock that I survived somehow. It was too big to follow us back through our tunnels, thank stars, but we’ve had to halt all mining operations until we figure out what we’re going to do. It’s too dangerous to go back down. Scouting out a new area, packing up all of the equipment and lodgings here and setting it all up somewhere else will take considerable effort though. We’re all at a bit of a loss, but I think Solas is working something out. He’s ordered us to stay on-site for now, and it seems like a few of the braver sort are thinking about going back down - just not too deep. I won’t. Once with that creature was enough. Anyway, keep an eye out. Maybe I’ll be home not too long after this letter anyway while things are on hold. I really couldn’t say. Oh - I’m sending my ruby back with the courier too - like I said, I can’t use it here anyhow and I’ll probably lose it if I’m not in the habit of keeping it on me, so it’s safer back home with you. I hope things are a little less chaotic back at Lambence! Write back soon. Love, Alabaster
Theme Song: *rock music plays*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello. Welcome back to episode twelve of Portal Quandary: Prophis. We last left our gang delving into the mines of Novis. What are they going to find? It’s a very dark spot here. Basically, anything in the mine is going to be five feet wide, so Magnolia’s ears are going to be close to the roof.
Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to bounce when I walk so they can touch the roof.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does make for a tight gap. It makes for single file. What’s the walking order here?
Steven/Noah: Is there still room for me to be sitting on top of Skittles.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. I was thinking about that, and then I realised that Magnolia needs some ear room, so you guys are about the same height, right? Like, you on top of Skittles is about the same height?
Steven/Noah: Are you a medium? I guess I’d be slightly taller, maybe? Or we’re at the same height. I guess I’m only small, and I’m sitting down too, and he’s on four legs. Okay. At least I can talk to you without you having to lean down.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. You have telepathy.
*laughter*
Steven/Noah: Oh yeah, sorry. I forgot. You don’t have to lean down to talk to me back. Wait. Yeah, you need to talk to me back. I’m a telepath.
Jorja/Magnolia: It’s fine. It’s fine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, the mine is quite dark, but at intermittent points throughout the mine there are little light crystals lit up, so it’s a bit shadowy, but it does the job.
Steven/Noah: I’m going to pull a rock out of my pocket and light it up so I can see good.
Jorja/Magnolia: Can I have one of those?
Steven/Noah: “Umm”, and I’m just going to pluck a random rock out of the wall and light it up and hand it over.
Jorja/Magnolia: Thank you.
Olive/Timmit: I will cast Produce Flame, and keep. casting it every ten minutes.
Steven/Noah: You cannot keep us in the dark.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, can you please roll me a d100 please?
Olive/Timmit: Balls.
Steven/Noah: Magic be crazy.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: They’re both awful. Twenty-one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you please roll me a d10 now?
Jorja/Magnolia: If there’s a follow up, that’s bad.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Nine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Your Produce Flames that you’ve just cast - instead of flames coming out - it comes out in radiant light instead as one of the crystals on the wall has popped, and the magic of your casting and the magic of the crystal have mingled.
Olive/Timmit: Oh, that’s pretty sick. Is that going to happen every time I recast it every ten minutes?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, so now that that’s happened for the first time. Novis - you know how in Neptis we had the fog, and in Theran we had the exhaustion? In Novis, any time there’s any elemental damage done - that includes the lightning sword - you have to roll a d100. If you roll under the threshold, it’s going to randomly change element.
Rosie/Lucille: Ooo.
Olive/Timmit: Oof. I’m a little fire boy.
Steven/Noah: It’s okay, I have Absorb Elements, so no matter what it is-
Olive/Timmit: Me too!
Steven/Noah: Excellent.
Olive/Timmit: I was contemplating taking it out, and I was like, ‘Absolutely not!’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: For Magnolia, that includes all of your radiant damage.
Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, okay.
Olive/Timmit: How is radiant elemental?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I looked up all the different types of elements and there are ten. Acid, cold, fire, force, lightning, necrotic, poison, psychic, radiant, and thunder.
Steven/Noah: So, your fire spell was probably radiant.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that just happens.
Olive/Timmit: That’s pretty neat.
Steven/Noah: So much for your resistance to fire.
Olive/Timmit: If anything, that’s probably a really good thing.
Steven/Noah: Anything that was fire may not be fire by the time it hits you. A fire land probably won’t be fire.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, the crystal popping has made you realise that there’s a fuck tonne of gems all around.
Olive/Timmit: “Ah! Wait!. No.” I can see the claws of the rabbit paws going for the gems. “No, no, wait! Wait. No. Look, I’m all on board. When we leave, sure. We can take some, but I don’t want to do anything that’s going to piss this thing off.”
Rosie/Lucille: But what if we don’t have time to bring them afterwards, and then we don’t bring them gems and we get in trouble? I said I’d bring them blue gems, and they said sapphires would be nice.
Olive/Timmit: I would rather get back with our lives than with gems.
Rosie/Lucille: I’m not sure about that.
Olive/Timmit: This thing is- Lucille I’m going to be very genuines with you right now. This thing is not to be fucked with.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that a stealth check I’m seeing coming?
Steven/Noah: I also have a sleight of hand that I might be using.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, is it sleight of hand or stealth because those are two different rolls for me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Go sleight of hand.
Jorja/Magnolia: Thank god.
Rosie/Lucille: Is there a blue crystal?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There is a blue crystal.
Rosie/Lucille: Okay, I want to stealthily get the blue crystal because I really want to bring one back and stay in Cleary’s good books.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit is talking directly to Lucille, and you’re slowly reaching for the stones.
Rosie/Lucille: And I’m there as I’m inching my hand closer to the wall.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess Timmit has to roll a perception against all of these.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: I got a seventeen.
Steven/Noah: I got an eight.
Rosie/Lucille: Oh no, I only got thirteen.
Olive/Timmit: Eighteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That beat all of you, didn’t it?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah!
Rosie/Lucille: So, I’m going to be there talking to Timmit, and Timmit is telling me not to get it, and I’m inching away to get it, and he just slaps my hand away.
Olive/Timmit: No, you know what I’ll do? I will cast Web in a twenty foot area encompassing all of us, and the way that it will happen is i’ll just very quickly, like swiftly, grab the gavel from my hip and swing it around, and there’ll be this white, kind of translucent energy, that will shift around it, and from it streams will spread out across this cavern and will expand upward and outward wrapping all of you in this large spider’s web.
Jorja/Magnolia: What’s the save?
Olive/Timmit: The webs are difficult terrain and lightly obscure their area. Each creature that starts its turn in the area or enters it during its turn must make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, the creature is restrained as long as it remains in the web or until it breaks free.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, I just want to add one more thing that you happen to see with that perception check, as I was quickly checking my notes and you beat the DC fifteen. So, there’s a little rock with gems on it that has eyes. As you’re swatting Lucille down, you look down and you’re like, ‘Wait a minute. That thing has eyes’.
Olive/Timmit: Everyone. Don’t. Move.
Steven/Noah: Says the one who just cast a spiderweb.
Olive/Timmit: Shhh.” I’m just going to very slowly and carefully point up and towards this little rock with eyes.
Jorja/Magnolia: I look immediately. I’m just like, ‘Hmm?’ Silently though.
Olive/Timmit: All of you have got to make a dexterity saving throw because I want you to.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Hell yeah brother. Save? Eighteen.
Olive/Timmit: You save.
Rosie/Lucille: Eighteen.
Steven/Noah: Skittles got a fourteen.
Olive/Timmit: You save.
Steven/Noah: What’s my modifier? Ruh roh. I got a nine.
Olive/Timmit: Hehe, I got one of you! So, is this thing with eyes moving? Is it blinking? What’s it doing?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is not; however, after you two make eye contact, it has unsuccessfully shot a bolt of lightning towards you.
*electricity sparks*
Olive/Timmit: I would immediately drop the web, and go, “Okay, change of plans. Fuck it, run.”
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck it then run?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright guys, you’ve seen a rock with eyes and it’s just shot at you. You know what that means? It means it's time to roll initiative.
[music]
Steven/Noah: Dice rolling sound.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Sixteen.
Rosie/Lucille: Seventeen.
Steven/Noah: Nat twenty, baby!
Jorja/Magnolia: Woo! Eight.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Interesting. Noted, noted, noted. I have also rolled initiative. Alright, and while you are there looking at this rock with eyes, somewhere from behind you an attack is going to come out.
Jorja/Magnolia: Rude as fuck.
Steven/Noah: From behind? As in it followed us in?
Jorja/Magnolia: It’s Cleary.
Steven/Noah: She’s come for us.
Jorja/Magnolia: I told you to give me my fucking crystals. Why are you hesitating?
Olive/Timmit: I told you there was something off about her.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I know the answer to this, but who does a nineteen hit against?
Jorja/Magnolia: No.
Steven/Noah: No.
Olive/Timmit: I’m not telling you.
Jorja/Magnolia: Legally you have to.
Rosie/Lucille: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I know the answer. Is it Lucille and Timmit, right?
Olive/Timmit: Yeah.
Rosie/Lucille: It me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, this ray of energy comes from behind you, and you become overwhelmed with uncomfortable sensations that distract you in battle. So, suddenly Timmit, all you can think about is the fact that your tongue - you’re like, ‘Was it ever comfortable? Where can I sit my tongue? Where does it fit in my mouth?’
Steven/Noah: That’s too real. That’s an actual struggle that I go through. How dare you.
Rosie/Lucille: Now I’m thinking about my tongue.
Jorja/Magnolia: Hey Rosie, are you aware of your breathing yet?
*laughter*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Now Rosie can’t think of how to breathe normally. Lucille’s sitting there like, *irregular breaths*.
Jorja/Magnolia: Is it two in, one out?
Steven/Noah: I guess I should ask, does that include Beeyonce and Skittles?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It says ‘target’... No, it’s just the two humanoids.
Steven/Noah: Because I don’t know if Skittles is aware of his tongue.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is homebrew. I’m doing my best to make this work. So, you guys now have disadvantage on your next roll that’s an attack roll, skill check, or saving throw.
Rosie/Lucille: Ooo.
Olive/Timmit: Oof.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That came from behind you, not from the rock in front of you, by the way.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, we probably don’t need to worry about that.
Steven/Noah: No, we’re fine.
Olive/Timmit: Na.
Jorja/Magnolia: We’re not affected.
Steven/Noah: No, exactly. We’re just seeing these two have an internal crisis about their tongues.
Jorja/Magnolia: ‘What the fuck happened?’
Olive/Timmit: You see Timmit just, *tongue lapping sound*.
Steven/Noah: You alright there buddy?
Jorja/Magnolia: Do you need to throw up?
Steven/Noah: Careful because it might be fire or something. I don’t know. The elements are doing weird things, right?
Olive/Timmit: Oh, that’s right. What was the deal with that element thing?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anytime you guys do anything with elements, such as radiant or force damage - pretty much anything that’s not piercing, slashing, or bludgeoning - you roll a d100, and I will tell you if you pass or fail.
Steven/Noah: I feel like vomit is acid, right?
Jorja/Magnolia: Mmm, yes, it is.
Steven/Noah: It has a PH of one to two.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But Noah, it is your go.
Steven/Noah: Shit. That’s a lot of responsibility. Well, the eye above us just tried to shoot us, and something behind us hit a ray of…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you felt this ray wash over you, but you feel pretty fine after it, but the other guys are looking a bit rough.
Steven/Noah: A ray of tongue awareness. I guess I’ll- Can I turn around and see if I can see anything?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure, roll a perception.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: I don’t have proficiency in that. Can I roll an investigation? I got a nine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Na, you can’t see shit.
Steven/Noah: Just nothing there? It’s just an empty corridor?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, corridor? It’s a mine, so it's a rockscape everywhere.
Steven/Noah: I see. I guess I will- How tall is the cliff?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How tall is Magnolia? She’s the tallest thing here, and I made sure that she…
Jorja/Magnolia: I feel like five foot eight, maybe? I don’t know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Basically a six foot tall cavern.
Steven/Noah: But we established that Noah sitting on top of Skittles is the same height as Magnolia.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Steven/Noah: So, how much room is there above our heads?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like, a couple inches.
Steven/Noah: So, he’s right there?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Steven/Noah: Oh, okay. I will reach my sword up and try and stab it in its eye hole because I can see it. An eye looking at me,
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, roll the attack roll.
Steven/Noah: Ah, shit. I just remembered that.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: I got a nineteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That will hit.
Steven/Noah: Excellent.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re attacking with your lightning sword right?
Steven/Noah: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you please roll me a d100?
Steven/Noah: Heck.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: Sixty- Ha, sixty-nine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The lightning continues. Roll your damage.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: Five slashing damage, and then three lightning damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. It is not very happy about that at all. It’s going to squirm and make little lizard screeches, which I’m not going to make. I’ll insert that later.
*piercing screech*
Steven/Noah: Hot. We’ll fix it in post. *screeches*. I guess as a bonus action I will command Skittles to attack it as well.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How is Skittles going to attack it if it’s on the roof?
Steven/Noah: He will jump.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And slam you into the roof?
Steven/Noah: Sure.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m up for discussion, but-
Steven/Noah: Hang on, let me see if I have it. As a bonus action I will reach into the wall and grab some pebbles. I will grab one to three pebbles. I’m going to grab three pebbles, and I’m going to cast Magic Stone on them and imbue them with magic. So, we or someone else can use them to hurl them at things. So, now I have three magical stones.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is this a new cantrip? Spell?
Steven/Noah: It’s a cantrip, and its casting time is one bonus action.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, that moves it down to Timmit. Hello.
Olive/Timmit: Hello. Me. The first thing I do is reach down and pull out the little short sword that I have, and as I do a little spark of fire will flare up and coat up along and my hair will flare up, and I’ll enter my bladesong as my bonus action. Then, the thing that shot from behind us, can I turn around and try to gauge it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure, I know it’s just flavour, but I’m interested in you rolling a d100 for you being covered in fire.
Olive/Timmit: Sure.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Forty-three.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re safe, and then I suppose a perception check is what you’re asking for.
Olive/Timmit: Yuh.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Shit. I got a six.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it looks empty, which is really confusing. I think we should probably establish the order here because you basically have to be standing single file to going through this corridor.
Jorja/Magnolia: I was next to Noah, and I think Noah might have been first or sec-? No, you were- I can’t remember.
Steven/Noah: Gee, that’s brave.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I don’t think Noah would have been first.
Steven/Noah: No, Noah wouldn’t be like, ‘I’ll go first’. That’s not Noah.
Jorja/Magnolia: I think I was first, and you were behind me?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Timmit first? I feel like Timmit would be first in this situation.
Olive/Timmit: I think I do go first.
Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. There’s probably you, then you…
Olive/Timmit: How did this thing shoot me if I’m in front?
Rosie/Lucille: It went nroom and went around.
Steven/Noah: It was a ray. It hit us all.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just for the audience because Jorja just said, ‘you, you, and you’.
Jorja/Magnolia: I was waiting to see if they agreed with me. So, Timmit, Noah, Magnolia, Lucille.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. So, Timmit looks behind and sees everyone else.
Steven/Noah: You turn around like, ‘Who shot me!?’, and we’re like, ‘Hey’.
Rosie/Lucille: Hi!
Olive/Timmit: Oh my god. Okay. I will reach back, and I’ll pat Skittles on the head, and as I do Skittles legs will grow out a couple of inches, and I’ll cast Longstrider, so he has an extra ten feet of movement until the spell ends, which is an hour.
Steven/Noah: I better not be bumping my head because of this.
Olive/Timmit: Na, you’ll be fine. Maybe. And then I’m going to, “I don’t know… Come on, let’s go!” and I’ll start making my way down the tunnel.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you just going to start running?
Olive/Timmit: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
Olive/Timmit: I’ll just move- Hang on because I have thirty feet there. How much more do I have? Yeah, that’s it.
Steven/Noah: You cast my spell.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah.
Steven/Noah: On my creature.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah.
Steven/Noah: The audacity.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Something that I just thought of. I assume because they have no commands that Beeyonce and Skittles are just idle posing?
Steven/Noah: Just vibing.
Olive/Timmit: I’ll move forty feet. Yeah, forty feet down the hall. Get far away from all of that, and that’s me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: About another forty feet in front of you, you can see a T-intersection coming up.
Olive/Timmit: Okay, cool.
Steven/Noah: So, hang on a minute. You cast Longstrider on my Skittles, and then you just yeet?
Olive/Timmit: Yes because everyone is in my way, and I can’t do anything else.
Steven/Noah: Prepare to yeet boy.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi Lucille, it’s your go next, and you are at the back of the line.
Rosie/Lucille: Invigorated by Timmit’s sudden running, Lucille’s going to run past everyone and say, “Get out of my way you little eye,” and stab it right in its eye.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, the one on the roof above where Noah’s standing right now?
Rosie/Lucille: Yes. Yes, that one.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: Nat twenty!
*laughter*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck! Holy shit.
Rosie/Lucille: Oh wait, I have disadvantage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do have disadvantage.
Rosie/Lucille: Oh wait, but I’ve got advantage on this because of my sneak attack.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They do cancel out then, don’t they?
Rosie/Lucille: Oh really? Oh, nat twenty!
Jorja/Magnolia: Yay.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: Twelve damage.
Olive/Timmit: And also roll your sneak attack damage.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Twenty-four total.
Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-four.
Jorja/Magnolia: Woof.
Rosie/Lucille: Big hit!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Were you just stabbing it in the eyeball as Noah did?
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, just a big stab in the eyeball.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you stab it in the eyeball, it’s fucking holding on. It looks like it's really, really drunk, and it’s trying to focus on something.
*piercing screech*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It doesn’t look happy Jan. So, that’s your movement and your attack. Anything for a bonus action?
Rosie/Lucille: Yes. Absolutely. I’m just going to turn around and yell out to the other two, “Alright, now’s your chance! Give it a hit,” and step back- Oh I can’t move. Basically, I’m just going to yell at them and tell them to hit it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, that moves it over to Magnolia. Hello.
Jorja/Magnolia: Hello. I guess I’ll look behind me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I love everyone being like, ‘Huh?’
Steven/Noah: There was a ray of tongue acknowledgement. We just need to know.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t see shit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was that one?
Jorja/Magnolia: A one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oof.
Steven/Noah: Your ears are flopped in front of you.
Jorja/Magnolia: *blowing air* Fuck the fuck? Okay,
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nothing behind you.
Jorja/Magnolia: But, there was something behind us. Something definitely happened. Okay, fuck it. I’m going to use my action to not listen to Lucille. Instead, I’m going to cast Bless on Lucille, Noah, and myself because Timmit ran out of range.
Olive/Timmit: RIP.
Jorja/Magnolia: So, I’m going to concentrate on that. You get to add a d4 to any attack roll or saving throw you make.
Rosie/Lucille: For how long?
Jorja/Magnolia: For a minute.
Rosie/Lucille: Nice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that concentration as well?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. How does that manifest for Magnolia actually? Now that I think about it.
Jorja/Magnolia: She’s just going to panic, look around, and “Okay, I saw something, but there’s also that guy. I just-” She’s going to clutch her necklace out of habit. “Okay, we’re fine. We’ll be fine. We’ve got this,” and then little motes of light are going to come from beneath her hand where her necklace is, and then fly over to those two and myself, and whatever they’re holding - whatever hand they’re dominant with - it’s going to land on the back of their hand, and a little glowy flower is going to glow on their hand.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah’s got the triforce symbol on the back of his hand. Nice. I love that.
Steven/Noah: I am the Hero of Time.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So that’s- Anything else you’d like to do?
Steven/Noah: Does that include my friends?
Jorja/Magnolia: No.
Steven/Noah: Wow.
Jorja/Magnolia: Sorry. Yeah, that’s all.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The one on the ceiling who’s barely hanging on… Let’s do an action first, so I’m going to roll a d8.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which is a four. One, two, three, four. I’m going to go Lucille because you’re being a bitch.
Rosie/Lucille: Teehee.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does a fourteen hit you?
Rosie/Lucille: Haha! I am safe.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s your AC?
Rosie/Lucille: Sixteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, what you see happen is from one of these gems that you realise is now a part of the larger body - like you can see the eyes and now you realise the gems are part of its body - and from one of the gems comes out this fire ray, which now that I think about it, I have to roll a d100 on that.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m safe. This big ray of fire comes out towards you, but because you were focusing on it you manage to parry. Realising that it is no match for you guys, it is going to run towards Timmit’s direction. Down the mine.
Jorja/Magnolia: Do we get attack of opportunities.
They do. I guess everyone gets attacks of opportunities now, don’t they? I’m really good at designing encounters. Anyone that would like to can roll an opportunity attack with their reaction. Except for Timmit. Sorry Timmit.
Olive/Timmit: Oh, that’s okay. I’m over here just hanging out.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-one to hit.
Steven/Noah: I also got a twenty-one to hit.
Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-five.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What the fuck!? Are you guys okay?
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: I did six damage. Oh, we all get to add d4s, but we don’t need them.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It literally had one HP left.
Rosie/Lucille: I gave it six, so it’s extra dead. Plus the extra thing. I did ten.
Steven/Noah: Thirteen. Six of which is lightning damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it lightning? Roll the d100 for me.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: Sixteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, now you get to roll on a d10.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: Four.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, what we have here is we have this big action sequence where in a movie it would flash to each character’s face as they’re going in for the attack. All of which land and do a stupid amount of damage, and Noah’s now fire sword comes up and collides while Magnolia’s morningstar collides with it, and at the same time the walking stick collides with it and stabs it, and you can see it clearly now because it’s going to fall to the ground. It might fall on top of Skittles body now that I think about it. So, you’re sitting on the seat, and next to you, on top of Skittles, flops this body of this gecko made out of rock and gemstones.
Steven/Noah: Hot.
Rosie/Lucille: So, we basically just pulverised it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stop. Stop. He’s already dead.
Rosie/Lucille: No!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Going back to the top of the round, we have the mysterious character behind you all still.
Steven/Noah: I don’t like that you said ‘character’.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Very suddenly - there’s no save for this, which is random - Noah, you feel yourself become immediately drenched with water including Skittles and literally anything you’re holding. You just feel very wet.
Steven/Noah: Hot. I prefer the term ‘moist’.
Olive/Timmit: Sopping.
Rosie/Lucille: *sucking sound*
Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille’s licking it off of you.
*laughter*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eww.
Rosie/Lucille: She learnt from the goats.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. Drink water when you can. You don’t know when you’ll get your next bit.
Olive/Timmit: Oh no dearie, are you a little moist there? *sucking sound*
Steven/Noah: Well that would be at disadvantage because Skittles would be like, ‘No.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s everyone’s passive perceptions?
Rosie/Lucille: Fourteen.
Jorja/Magnolia: Fourteen.
Olive/Timmit: Fourteen.
Steven/Noah: Twelve.
Jorja/Magnolia: You just had to be different.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No reason. Continuing on. We’re still in combat. Noah, you’re up.
Steven/Noah: Ooo, okay. I don’t like being wet though. That’s a bit uncomfortable.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Especially for someone that uses a lightning sword.
Steven/Noah: Yeah. I don’t love that. I mean, it was just a fire sword. I mean the thing behind me just made me kind of wet. I don’t know. I mean, I guess I’ll look in that direction again, and assume I don’t see anything because I’m an idiot.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: I got thirteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do not see anything with a thirteen, no.
Steven/Noah: Sweet. I guess I’m going to lean down and start looking at the gems on this lizard.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Do you want to roll an investigation or something on it?
Steven/Noah: Sure.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: I got a one. It’s plus six, and I am proficient, but it’s a one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus. You sort of go to touch it, and Skittles jitters for a second and rocks it off of Skittles’s body onto the ground now.
*Skittles beeps*
Steven/Noah: Okay. I guess I’m going to take that as a sign and just not touch it. I guess as a bonus action I’ll instruct Skittles to remain vigilant. I don’t think we’re out of danger yet. We’ll walk down the corridor a little bit more.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve got Longstrider.
Steven/Noah: I’ll walk. We’re not in any rush.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How far are you walking?
Steven/Noah: Twenty feet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Halfway between the group and Timmit.
Steven/Noah: Heyo!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Speaking of which, Hello Timmit. You are running.
Olive/Timmit: Hello, yes I was. I started running. I got to where that T-intersection was and I looked back, and nobody else has moved, so I decided, “Okay, fine! I’ll run twenty feet back, which I imagine is meeting Noah in the middle?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct.
Olive/Timmit: And then I’ll look over and I’ll just think of the silliest thing that I can, like dogs running on a treadmill in space,and I’ll push that energy forward and cast Nathair’s Mischief. So, I’ll place it forty feet in front of me, so that the twenty foot square cube just misses Magnolia, and let’s find out what happens. I roll d4.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: I rolled a two, so along the cavern bouquets of flowers sprout of the rock walls, and if there are any creature within the space, which is a twenty foot cube just behind Magnolia, they have to succeed on a dexterity saving throw or be blinded.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There are no creatures within that space.
Olive/Timmit: Alright, good to know. So, flowers sprout out, and then water starts shooting out of the flowers all over the cave, drenching the hallway.
Steven/Noah: I was going to say, is it water?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Water’s technically not one of the elements on the list.
Olive/Timmit: It’s not an elemental spell. Then I’m going to back up another twenty feet, and…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, heading straight instead of taking the fork?
Olive/Timmit: No, I’ll go back to where I was. So, I move twenty feet back to meet Noah in the middle.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.
Olive/Timmit: Cast the spell, and now I’m going to move twenty feet back to where I started.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.
Olive/Timmit: And that’s me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to walk twenty feet, so he’s going to see timmit run in and run out, like, ‘What is he doing?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t realise the flowers are behind you?
Steven/Noah: Well, maybe I see the flowers, but I don’t sense any danger, so I’m like, ‘Okay’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fair.
Steven/Noah: As far as I’m aware, we killed it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that’s fair. Lucille, hello.
Rosie/Lucille: Heyo! Are there any more enemies around?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you like to do a perception to check, or maybe investigation. Depends on how you want to go about it.
Rosie/Lucille: I would love to.
Steven/Noah: Sure, she can do an investigation.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Perception is like looking. Investigation is like, ‘I’m going to look under this rock. I’m going to move up and down a little bit’.
Steven/Noah: Are you part of a lizard?
Rosie/Lucille: Let’s go perception because I’m better at that.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: Eight.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys are all rolling really bad on these. I’m so sorry. You cannot see anything or hear anything.
Rosie/Lucille: Okay. With this, Lucille’s suddenly going to feel really, really lonely. There’s no-one there, and she’s going to get overwhelmingly… I mean, you guys are all there, but she looks around and there’s no-one there except for you guys, and she gets this overwhelming loneliness, like there’s no-one else out there, and she starts missing her goats. Then, all of a sudden a little goat appears. I cast my animal goat thing by the way.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You cast the spell, Find Familiar?
Rosie/Lucille: Yes. Yes I did, and now I’ve got a little goat friend.
Steven/Noah: Goat. Baa.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: From memory, it’s obvious that it’s spectral, or it doesn’t look like a goat. Like a physical goat, from memory.
Rosie/Lucille: All I know is goat.
Steven/Noah: It’s an ephemeral goat. An ethereal goat. Can she touch it? Because I feel like Lucille would need to be able to touch this goat. Because I can imagine her reaching for it and going right through. That’s going to be worse.
Rosie/Lucille: That’s going to be so sad. Like, I’d rather not have a goat.
Steven/Noah: It’s going to be traumatising. Does it have a physical manifestation or is it literally just a-
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, so it’s spectral, but you can touch it and it is there. It’s just not an actual goat.
Steven/Noah: It’s not like Margaret?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, no. It’s a celestial, fey, or fiend.
Steven/Noah: Margaret’s in your head, boy.
Olive/Timmit: Na, she’s real.
Steven/Noah: No.
Olive/Timmit: She’s real helpful.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, yep. So, it looks spectral, but you can still touch it is what I’m understanding.
Steven/Noah: It’s like a little goat angel. It can have a glow about it.
Rosie/Lucille: Okay, this little goat appears, and it’s black with some little white dots on it and a really cute, little, pink snout, and it’s all furry, and Lucille’s going to be like, “Guys! A little goat. This is my goat. This is Goaty,’ and then she’s going to say to it, “Alright, Goaty. Go around for any enemies for us to attack,” and send it off.
Steven/Noah: You went bowling with your child.
Rosie/Lucille: Well, it’s a goat isn’t it. It’s not a child.
Steven/Noah: To Lucille?
Rosie/Lucille: Well, yeah, but this is one that just popped up. In her heart of hearts she knows it’s not real.
Steven/Noah: Oof.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In combat it acts on its own initiative and acts on its own turn, so can you please roll initiative for the goat? Is the name ‘Goat?’
Steven/Noah: I think its name is Goaty.
Rosie/Lucille: Goaty.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like the goatee that you grow?
Rosie/Lucille: No. Like with a ‘y’. Like Goat-y.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Goaty. Got it. What is Goaty’s initiative?
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: I got a ten.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t have the stats page up, I’m guessing? The goat that I gave you.
Rosie/Lucille: Oh. Yes I do.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, it’s a cat, isn’t it? It’s a cat.
Rosie/Lucille: Then I got a twelve.
Jorja/Magnolia: The cat-goat.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’ve looked about for your friends, and suddenly this goat just pops into existence with this fae glow about it? I think you have a movement left if you would like it.
Rosie/Lucille: No. I think I’m pretty happy standing here watching my Goaty run around.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful, which does put Goaty next in the initiative order. So, Goaty is going to roll a perception or an investigation to look around for things by the sound of it?
Rosie/Lucille: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t think it has investigation. I think it only has perception.
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, it does.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: It got a one, but I can bring it up to a three.
Jorja/Magnolia: Because it’s a cat, it’s eyes aren’t open yet because it’s a newborn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goaty has just been birthed into this world, and is like, ‘What is this place?’
Steven/Noah: Just two licks and off you go. Get into the world. Go and help. *makes the sound of falling over*.
Jorja/Magnolia: It’s face down in the ground.
Rosie/Lucille: It’s like:
*goat bleats*
Jorja/Magnolia: Goaty got distracted by a pebble.
Rosie/Lucille: Useless.
Steven/Noah: Goaty got scolded.
Rosie/Lucille: You’ve got to start it early with these goats.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s just tripped over a tiny little rock. So, Goaty did not find anything. Moving over to Magnolia’s turn.
Jorja/Magnolia: I’m not going to be upstaged by a goat, so I’m going to start walking back down the tunnel.
Steven/Noah: Be wet with me.
Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, if I walk into it will it affect me?
Olive/Timmit: No, only when I use it next turn to do something next turn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you move its spot?
Olive/Timmit: I can, yes. Only by ten feet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll walk fifteen feet into it and look around. See if I can see anything.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Oh. Oh, yeah. Twenty-one!
Steven/Noah: There’s a tiny goat at your feet.
Jorja/Magnolia: I pick him up and put him on his feet. “It’s okay buddy.”
Steven/Noah: No, your eyes are this way.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Finally, someone found something. I’ve got a couple of things to give you Magnolia. The first one is of interest to Magnolia in particular to Magnolia. You notice occasionally in the roof you can see some roots that are glowing. They sort of have that same glow that you remember from the aetherbloom. More importantly to the current situation, up towards halfway between Timmit and Noah - sort of halfway between those two - is another rock with eyes. You can see it slowly crawling towards Timmit’s location.
Steven/Noah: He’s going to munch. He’s going to crunch. Nibble, nibble, nibble.
Olive/Timmit: Nom, nom, nom.
Jorja/Magnolia: So, it’s gone…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Forty feet away from you.
Jorja/Magnolia: Towards…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit.
Jorja/Magnolia: Timmit, okay. So, it went past us then.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because it rolled a stealth and all of you did not have a high passive perception.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it’s ten feet between Noah and Timmit.
Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, well I’ll use the rest of my movement to go back over to it, and I will yell out, “Oh fuck! I found it,” and point at it, and cast Toll the Dead, so a wisdom save.
Steven/Noah: How smart is this little lizard?
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eight plus zero. Eight.
Jorja/Magnolia: No. It hasn’t taken damage, has it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. We haven’t seen this back since episode three.
Jorja/Magnolia: So, from the roots of the aetherbloom grow little death bells, and they start ringing next to it, and it takes 1d8 necrotic damage, maybe.
*bell dongs*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But you have to roll the d100.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yep. That’s why I said maybe.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Eighty-nine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are safe.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Woo! It takes eight necrotic damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ll hear it let out a little screech, altering the others to its location from the bells. Like:
*piercing screech*
Jorja/Magnolia: That’s all.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That was a great turn because now everyone knows where it is. Moving down to that one who is dead, so moving back to the start of the round is the newly discovered - we’re calling it the gem gila. That’s what it says on my stats. The gila is that one where its tail looks like another head. - Anyway, it’s going to roll its d8 to see its action.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which is a one, and I think it’s going to go to Magnolia because Magnolia just pissed it off.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oop, that’s a nat twenty!
Jorja/Magnolia: It doesn’t affect me! My armour’s so good.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It still hits you at least.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, but you don’t get double damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is fucked, isn’t it?
Steven/Noah: Oh, yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just to Magnolia, of course that’s the one I had to roll a nat twenty on in this episode.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, get fucked. I’m going to soak up all of these crit hits.
Steven/Noah: I love this for us.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It rolled a one on the d100, so it does go into effect.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And I rolled a one on the d10, so it’s going to shoot a bolt of radiant energy in your direction as you take:
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Six… Makes eight damage! Eight radiant damage.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: I continue concentrating.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah yeah. You’re still doing Bless, hey? And now that it’s been discovered, I don’t think it’s going to move. It’s ready for a fight, so I’ll move the initiative over to Noah. Hi Noah.
Steven/Noah: Hey.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hey girl.
Steven/Noah: Well, I suppose I just saw a lizard both screech in pain and then shoot radiant damage at the rabbit. Sure, I guess I’m just going to pull out a crossbow.
Jorja/Magnolia: You get to add a d4 to your attack roll, like to hit.
Steven/Noah: On the roll?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: That’s an eight total. I am not a good marksman.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was the base roll?
Steven/Noah: Two.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I’m sorry. You were looking at it - you thought you knew where it was - and then you realised that you were looking at this other rock that’s shaped like a lizard, but it actually just a rock.
Steven/Noah: That’s something Noah would do. One hundred percent.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the prize.
Steven/Noah: I guess, as my bonus action, I’m going to hand these magical pebbles to Beeyonce, and I’m going to tell her to attack it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, and then it moves to Beeyonce’s turn, I imagine, unless you want to move.
Steven/Noah: No. I’m good. We’ll stay here. I move really, really fast, but I’m not going to use it, sorry.
Olive/Timmit: That’s fine.
Steven/Noah: Noah’s more of a stationary fighter.
Olive/Timmit: It sticks around for an hour so its…
Steven/Noah: Oh, sweet. I should know that. I have the spell. Yeah, so Beeyonce’s going to take these pebbles, she’s going to hurl one of them at the thing. Someone else can make a ranged spell attack with the pebbles. It has a range of sixty. If someone else attacks with the pebbles, the attacker adds my spellcasting attack modifier, not theirs, which is why I picked it. Because it means I can give my intelligence to my dumb thopters.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s interesting. So, what is your spellcasting attack modifier?
Steven/Noah: It’s plus six, so she’s going to attack.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: Eighteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eighteen will hit. Yes.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: It takes four bludgeoning damage. Oh wait, no. Six bludgeoning.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. It’s still standing.
Steven/Noah: She has two pebbles left.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And she’s not afraid to use it, and she has the attack order now, so she can just keep attacking until you tell her to do something else.
Steven/Noah: Until her target is dead. She’s lethal.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I will not stop until you are dead. So, this rock flies past like a slingshot and gets it right in the eye. Like:
*piercing screech*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll add a cool sound effect in there. If I can’t find one, it will just be me going wah!
Steven/Noah: Woosh. Bonk.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which moves it down to Timmit again. Hello Timmit.
Olive/Timmit: Hello. See, it’s on the ceiling right?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s actually on the wall this time.
Olive/Timmit: I see it sitting there on the wall, and I kind of, “Woah!” and I’ll throw a Produce Flames at it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know the drill by this point.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll roll to see if I hit it first, shall I? Or roll the d100 first?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can roll both. I think that the flames will still come out regardless. It might just not hit it.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Natural twenty.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Woah!
Olive/Timmit: And I rolled a fifty-four.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so it is fire.
*fire gushing past*
Olive/Timmit: Wonderful.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Six.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Six damage?
Olive/Timmit: Six damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. It’s not looking very happy, but it is still thriving.
Olive/Timmit: And that, I think, will be me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t want to move?
Olive/Timmit: Pretty happy where I am, yeah. Actually, can I use part of my action to turn around and look at the T-intersection and see if anything is coming from either way?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a perception.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Twenty-two.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You will not see anything. Down the fork in the road you can hear faintly, faintly, faintly off in the distance, you can hear a low growl echoing.
*low growl echoing*
Olive/Timmit: Cool. I’ll just, “Uh, guys. There’s something down- We shouldn’t be here, For much longer anyway.”
Jorja/Magnolia: It’s probably fine.
Steven/Noah: Someone’s belly is making the rumblies.
Jorja/Magnolia: Someone’s just hungry.
Steven/Noah: It’s the dragon.
*laughter*
Jorja/Magnolia: He lives next door.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think, just taking a moment to acknowledge your nat twenty as well Timmit, and how awesome producing this fire from your hands, and then absolutely charring this lizard. It is definitely a darker shade of rock now.
Olive/Timmit: Hell yeah.
Steven/Noah: A darker shade of rock.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rosie, it is Lucille’s turn.
Rosie/Lucille: Okay. I’m going to do a little run up to the wall and get my walking stick and do a little jab directly into the eyeball with the stick.
Jorja/Magnolia: You can add a d4 to that.
Steven/Noah: You are currently being blessed.
Rosie/Lucille: Yay.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: I got fifteen. No, sixte- No, seventeen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seventeen’s your final answer?
Rosie/Lucille: Yes, it is.
Steven/Noah: Lock it in Eddie.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s good because that’s its AC.
Rosie/Lucille: Yes!
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: So that is just a straight eleven then.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven damage? He’s not looking very happy.
Rosie/Lucille: Yay! Lucille’s going to do a little jabby-jab, and then she’s going to be like, “Goaty, come on. Give it a bite.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goaty can’t attack.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goaty’s not allowed to attack.
Rosie/Lucille: Oh, she’s still going to yell it out. She doesn’t quite know the parameters of this yet.
*laughter*
Steven/Noah: She didn’t read the character sheet.
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, no. All she knows is that this little goat appeared, and she’s like, ‘Yes!’
Steven/Noah: I have an ally.
Rosie/Lucille: A goat!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And what does Goaty do?
Rosie/Lucille: Well, I guess Goaty’s going to run up to it and kind of open its mouth really wide and at the last minute go *teeth gnashing sound* and bring its mouth back and look at Lucille sheepishly even though it’s a goat.
*goat bleats*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does he lick it?
Rosie/Lucille: It doesn’t even get to licking. It just reaches its neck out as far as it can. Then at the last minute just brings it back. Like a cat when it’s about to bite you then decides not to.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goaty just looks at you, like, ‘Sorry man. I read the contract.’
Steven/Noah: Dons a suit and a tie and pulls out a contract and is like, ‘Mmm, no I cannot’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia, are you prepared to maybe finish it off?
Jorja/Magnolia: Maybe. I think the flowers next to it are going to keep ringing as I make my way, and I’m going to stand under it, so it needs to make a save as I cast Toll the Dead again.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just to clarify, that’s a separate iteration of Toll the Dead?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. Making sure we weren’t concentrating on two different things.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nine.
Jorja/Magnolia: Fail, and because it’s taken damage it’s a d12.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it’s automatically dead, but let’s find out.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Three.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, it’s dead.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yay!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Three damage was enough to take it out.
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would you like to kill the gem gila?
Jorja/Magnolia: So, the bells are going to ring. Only the gecko can hear it. So, the little flowers next to it are going to ring, and then the roots that they grew from are going to keep growing and encase it where it is, and hold it to the wall as it dies.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does it just suck it up and retract back into the wall?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, that’s terrifying.
Steven/Noah: Noah’s terrified.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that body is gone. It didn’t leave behind a corpse.
Rosie/Lucille: We killed them.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re out of combat guys.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yay.
*portal SFX*
Tale of the Manticore Ad: Are you looking for a D&D podcast with a dark side? Something more like Game of Thrones and less like Monty Python? Tale of the Manticore is part dark fantasy audio drama, part solo D&D RPG. There’s no plot armour here. The dice make all the decisions. Join me as I resurrect the excitement, wonder, and emotion of old school D&D. Make for a mature audience, Tale of the Manticore is both a fiction and a game. It’s the story where chaos rolls.
*portal SFX*
[music]
Jorja/Magnolia: Are there any gems around?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There are a lot of gems around. We are in the gem mines.
Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, so it’s probably safe to take them now, right?
Rosie/Lucille: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit’s already investigating the fork in the road. Trying to listen out for those little growling sounds.
Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia’s watching, taking gems out of the walls.
Olive/Timmit: I’ve completely given up hope. No lessons have been learnt.
Jorja/Magnolia: Well if there were enemies they’d be here by now, so I’m going to take gems.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ll resolve the fork in the road situation first. So, we’ve established that there’s growls coming from one way. Is there anything else in particular that you’re trying to figure out?
Olive/Timmit: If there’s a more travelled path?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, roll an investigation for that one?
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Eleven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s not too bad. It’s not too bad. I don’t think it’s such a difficult roll. It’s the direction towards the growl is definitely a more travelled path. You can figure out that just around the bend up ahead is probably a dead end.
Olive/Timmit: You mean along the forked road or along the straight and narrow path?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, if you continue straight it’ll reach a dead end eventually. So, if you take the fork it’ll head towards the dragon - that is the more travelled path.
Alright. Cool.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s resolve the gem picking. What sort of gems are we picking?
Jorja/Magnolia: At least ten of each.
*laughter*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you picking any more than ten?
Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, I’m going to get as many as I can. Specifically sapphires.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a d20.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Five.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At least in this section you are able to get five of each gem type, which includes sapphires, emeralds, opals, peridots, quartzes, amethyst, topaz, and citrine, and rubies.
Rosie/Lucille: Citrine’s a shit gemstone.
Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t even know what it is, so it must be.
Rosie/Lucille: It’s green, but lighter than an emerald, like a lighter green. Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s an olivine colour. Timmit’s investigating this fork in the road. You’re collecting gems. What are the other two doing?
Rosie/Lucille: I’m sitting there hugging Goaty. Holding its face and giving it pats, and being like, “You’re my little Goaty, and I’m going to keep you safe, and I love you.” Just having a little moment.
Steven/Noah: Noah is going to immediately walk away from that. I’ll walk towards Timmit at the fork in the road, and he’s going to be wringing out his clothes as he does that because I’m still very moist.
Olive/Timmit: As Noah approaches I’ll look back at him, and just, “That way’s no good. We can’t go that way. I mean, we could. I don’t know what would be there. Not much. There’s something down that way though,” and I’ll point towards the fork in the road. “Just listen.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t have to roll for it. I’ll just let you hear it now. You can hear the:
*low growling*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Off in the distance.
Steven/Noah: Well that sounds terrifying.
Olive/Timmit: Oh, I hate it with every fibre of my being, but we’re here for a reason, and we should go towards the growling sound.
Steven/Noah: What’s the other way?
Olive/Timmit: Dead end, I assume.
Steven/Noah: Could there be something fun down there though?
I’m happy to check it out.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going to run over there with your Longstrider?
Steven/Noah: I’m going to walk.
Olive/Timmit: Can I try to get onto Skittles? Could I just, “Could I? Can I hop on the… Is there enough room?”
Steven/Noah: How large are you?
Olive/Timmit: I’m a small creature.
Steven/Noah: Oh. Are you!?
Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I think I’m only an inch or two taller than you are.
Steven/Noah: Are two small creatures able to mount a medium creature?
Olive/Timmit: *southern accent* Have you ever watched Lord of the Rings where the hobbits get on the same horse together?
Jorja/Magnolia: What?
Olive/Timmit: *southern accent* I don’t know. I’m just hoping he’ll say yes, and we can keep going.
Jorja/Magnolia: Since when is Lord of the Rings set in the south?
Olive/Timmit: *southern accent* Uh, you never been south of Mordor?
Steven/Noah: Sure, Noah will reach his hand out and give him a hoist up.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you have a little ladder or anything to get up there, or do you just have to pull up every time.
Steven/Noah: No, he pushes his legs down so that I can step up onto it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, but Skittles isn’t doing that for Timmit?
Steven/Noah: No. I’m already onto it.
Olive/Timmit: Well, nearing the end of the Bladesong, Timmit will take the hand, but he’ll do a half little hop and flip up onto the back.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Parkour!
Steven/Noah: Which is why I didn’t bother lowering it. Because I knew he could do that.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah, it all worked.
Rosie/Lucille: I want to imagine that whenever Noah gets up onto it he goes, ‘Yeehaw!’ and he does a big jump onto it and suddenly he’s a cowboy.
Steven/Noah: No, I feel like Skittles lowers down as low as he can, and then Noah’s like *struggling sounds*. Like, awkwardly trying to get on as best as he can, and almost falling over every single time.
Olive/Timmit: Just flops onto it and shuffles around.
Steven/Noah: One of the four legs just boosts him up so he gets on properly.
Olive/Timmit: That’s adorable.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Heading around the corner on Skittles, we head up around one hundred feet in that direction, and then it comes to a bend, and then literally twenty feet in front of that is this wall that’s encased in gems, untouched.
Steven/Noah: I feel like my eyes roll like the dollar signs. Ka-ching!
Olive/Timmit: Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Before we do I’ll carefully inspect each one and see if there’s any movement at all.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, yeah, investigation.
Olive/Timmit: Okie-dokie.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Timmit: Twenty-one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: These are very safe. There’s nothing moving around.
Olive/Timmit: Okay, quick. Let’s take as many as we can.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Quick, before Magnolia notices.
Olive/Timmit: Starts plucking them out of the wall.
Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’ll start plucking out gems.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Each of you, roll me a d20 then.
Steven/Noah: Can I also roll for Skittles and Beeyonce?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How are they picking?
Steven/Noah: With their hands.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beeyonce doesn’t have hands.
Steven/Noah: She can have whatever she wants. I’ll install a hand in her. Just a single hand.
Olive/Timmit: I’ll take this moment to cast Unseen Servant. “Hi Margaret, hi. I know it’s been a- I need your help.”
Tyrone/Margaret: What? Huh? Timmit, where are we? Why are we in this cave? I don’t really like caving.
Olive/Timmit: Well, look at all the pretty rocks on the wall. Could you help me get a couple of them?
Tyrone/Margaret: My husband never buys me anything like this anymore.
Olive/Timmit: I don’t know what that says about me, but uh-
Steven/Noah: A lot. It’s all in your head.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah. “Okay, let’s go.” Can I roll two d20s? One for Margaret?
*dice rolls*
Steven/Noah: Noah rolled a fifteen, and Skittles rolled a two.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’ve got seventeen of each type of gem. Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did the Timmit and Margaret team get?
Olive/Timmit: Timmit got fourteen, and Margaret got eleven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Holy shit. That’s a total of twenty-five of each gem for you guys before the whole wall is picked clean. It does take a bit of time. It takes twenty minutes at least to pick them all out of the wall. They’re not easy. You’ve got to, you know, grab them out and pull them out quite a bit.
Steven/Noah: What if I use my tinker’s tools? Ting, ting, ting. Strength is for losers.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It takes fifteen minutes then.
Steven/Noah: Thank you.
Tyrone/Margaret: So, do I get to keep any of these? I’ve really got my eye on this beautiful amethyst here. It’s my birthstone.
Olive/Timmit: “Oh, of course Margaret. You can keep that one.” And then I will-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s gaslighting.
Olive/Timmit: Of course Margaret. You can keep that one. No worries. Just hold onto that one for me if you don’t mind.
Tyrone/Margaret: I love it so much. Thank you so very much.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are we doing now that we’ve picked the mines clean?
Steven/Noah: Probably dust our hands off.
Olive/Timmit: Alright, we good?
Steven/Noah: Yeah.
Olive/Timmit: Okay.
Steven/Noah: Am I dry now?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Probably not if you’re air-drying. Oh actually, it’s hot here, so yeah.
Olive/Timmit: If not, I’ll use Prestidigitation to clean, to dry you.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you use it on yourself?
Olive/Timmit: Me?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because you’re all dirty from picking gems out of the wall.
Olive/Timmit: Nah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a dirty bitch.
Olive/Timmit: Keep all the dirt. I very rarely get my hands dirty. It’s kind of cool.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Feels like a real man.
Olive/Timmit: I feel like a man.
Steven/Noah: Noah with his construction hands is like, ‘You don’t know what worker’s hands are, mate’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You hear the growling echoing once more from the T-intersection.
Steven/Noah: What were these two doing for fifteen minutes?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Playing with goats and getting gems out of the wall, I think?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I taught Goaty how to run around in a circle around me.
Jorja/Magnolia: You can just tell it to do things. You don’t need to teach it.
Tyrone/Margaret: No, I taught it.
Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.
Tyrone/Margaret: Animal training, or at least Lucille thinks that she taught it to it, but really she can just tell it what to do, but she’s like, ‘Oh my god, I’m such a good trainer guys’.
Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille, see if it can pick up some gems.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Putting the kid to work.
Olive/Timmit: Hahaha.
Steven/Noah: Well, I guess we walk back. I telepathically tell Skittles to walk back to the group.
Jorja/Magnolia: I will slowly make my way towards the intersection. Always looking for gems.
Steven/Noah: Meet in the middle.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you guys going to mention that you just found a stupid amount of gems?
Steven/Noah: I will. I will turn to Magnolia and be like, “Hey, I got seventeen of each of these. Can I put them in your bag of holding?”
Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.
Steven/Noah: Just shuffle them in.
Olive/Timmit: How many did we need to get for Cleary? She asked for how many?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, she said ‘as many’. At least ten, but I figured we could probably lie and keep some.
Olive/Timmit: Okay, cool. I’ll keep what I found then.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lie to Cleary then. You’re going to hold onto all of them on your person?
Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I have a backpack with literally nothing else in it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, twenty-five of each, right?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yep. So, twenty five times nine.
Olive/Timmit: There’s nine fucking gems?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, so it’s almost two hundred and fifty.
Steven/Noah: That’s why I put mine in the bag of holding.
Olive/Timmit: They’re tiny gems. They’re fine. Actually, Margaret would be holding half of them at least. “Actually, you know, would you mind?”
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I’ll remember which ones are yours. It’s okay.
Tyrone/Margaret: Guys, can you hear that…? You can’t hear me. Timmit, hon, what is that?
Tyrone/Margaret: Gwuys.
Olive/Timmit: Gwuys.
Jorja/Magnolia: Gwuys.
Steven/Noah: Gwuys.
Olive/Timmit: That’s a really good question. I’m not sure, really. It could be a dragon.
Tyrone/Margaret: Oh, like one of those little ones in my little fantasy books.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah! Yeah, exactly, exactly. Like that.
Tyrone/Margaret: I love Eragon.
Olive/Timmit: I’ve got a feeling it might be exactly like that.
Tyrone/Margaret: I don’t know what sort of fantasy tour island thing that you’ve booked, but let’s go for it.
Steven/Noah: Let’s go girls.
Olive/Timmit: Well, you all didn’t hear Margaret. Let’s go.
Steven/Noah: Did you say, we didn’t hear Margaret?
Olive/Timmit: Yeah.
Rosie/Lucille: Lucille isn’t there with you guys by the way. She’s still with the goat. She hasn’t really noticed that everyone’s walked away.
Olive/Timmit: I’ll look over and be like, “Lucille, come on. We’re going.”
Rosie/Lucille: Goaty too?
Olive/Timmit: Who?
Rosie/Lucille: Goaty.
Jorja/Magnolia: She has a goat. Did you not see it? It fully fell on its face immediately.
Olive/Timmit: Don’t.
Rosie/Lucille: It’s just a little baby.
Jorja/Magnolia: It’s not a real goat though. It’s like a spectral one, so it doesn’t have any of the bad stuff like the fur or the-
Rosie/Lucille: ARE YOU SAYING-
Jorja/Magnolia: Shh, he fucking hates goats. He doesn’t like goats, remember?
Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I get it. Yes, no fur.
Steven/Noah: *telepathically* Lucille, you should probably be gentle with Timmit. He doesn’t like goats, remember?
Rosie/Lucille: You guys ever hear things in your head? I mean, I know I’ve asked this, but do they sound different to your own voice?
Jorja/Magnolia: We don’t hear our voice how other people hear our voice, so when you hear it in your head, that’s how it really sounds.
Rosie/Lucille: But a male voice?
Steven/Noah: Oh yeah, mine’s like a girl.
Rosie/Lucille: Really?
Steven/Noah: Yeah.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, mine sounds like a droid.
Rosie/Lucille: So interesting, the human brain.
Olive/Timmit: Mine is literally named Margaret.
Rosie/Lucille: Now that’s a lie.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah and Magnolia, can you roll deception, and Lucille roll insight.
Jorja/Magnolia: No, Magnolia sure fucking can’t.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Magnolia: Never mind. Yes she can.
Steven/Noah: Eleven.
Rosie/Lucille: I got eighteen.
Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-two.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You think Noah’s fucking lying, but yeah, Magnolia’s got a droid voice.
Rosie/Lucille: Okay. I’m a bit suspicious of Noah now, but I’m not going to say anything. I’m just going to nod, pick up Goaty, and walk along.
Steven/Noah: Well, you just know that my voice isn’t obviously a girl’s voice. Maybe I’m embarrassed.
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, that’s true actually.
Olive/Timmit: Timmit will see Goaty and reflexively gag. Just impossible to hold it back. *gagging noises*
Steven/Noah: Are you still riding on Skittles?
Olive/Timmit: Yep.
Steven/Noah: Alright, I’m going to politely ask you to get off now.
Olive/Timmit: Yep. That’s a good call.
Steven/Noah: I don't want you to be vomiting all over-
Olive/Timmit: Nope. I respect that.
Steven/Noah: Get.
Olive/Timmit: Timmit will now follow at the back of the pack now - probably twenty feet away from everyone.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What is the new walking order?
Jorja/Magnolia: One.
Steven/Noah: Alright, I’ll follow. I’ll follow the rabbit.
Rosie/Lucille: Closest to Timmit.
Olive/Timmit: Make it forty feet.
*laughter*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia, Noah, Lucille, Timmit - hiding in the back a fair distance away.
Steven/Noah: Forty feet behind.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve been walking for quite a while. It’s going to feel like hours and hours to you guys. You have no concept of time. You’re inside.
Rosie/Lucille: My gosh, Goaty gets heavy.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goaty’s around indefinitely, hey?
Jorja/Magnolia: She can appear and disappear-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And eventually, it starts getting hotter and hotter as we get closer and closer to the volcano that we were talking about. Until eventually we can see a chamber where the growling is a bit louder.
*growling*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do we go in?
Jorja/Magnolia: I shouldn’t go first.
Steven/Noah: My stealth is also very bad.
Olive/Timmit: So is mine, but I could at least go in, and then if anything sees me it won’t hurt me as badly.
Rosie/Lucille: I has good stealth.
Steven/Noah: What!?
Rosie/Lucille: Do we know it’s a dragon yet?Do we see the dragon?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can’t see anything from here. You’re welcome to move up closer and have a look, or…
Steven/Noah: I’m going to send Beeyonce in. I’m going to ask her to fly in, and then… Okay, nerd. I’m going to ask her fly in at a constant speed until she reaches the dragon. As soon as she sees the dragon, fly back. I’m going to time it and calculate the distance between us and the dragon. I’m an artificer.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beeyonce will fly in, and she will swiftly come in, and you calculate that it is about one hundred feet inside.
Steven/Noah: I’m going to look up from my watch and be like, “It’s very close.”
Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s a bit confused. She hasn’t really heard the growling. Not that she has bad hearing because she has no medical problems, but she hasn’t quite heard it. She just feels the warmth, and she’s like, ‘Ooo, is there a little fire that we might sit by?’ and she walks right in.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No stealthily? Just casually?
Rosie/Lucille: Well at this point yeah.
Steven/Noah: Did you not see me instruct my thopter to all sneaky like-
Rosie/Lucille: Actually, she might be a little bit sneaky, but she is expecting a fire.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, roll stealth.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Lucille: Sixteen, and she’s still carrying Goaty.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going to head on in?
Rosie/Lucille: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What you see now is a big chamber. Imagine, if you think of a volcano in your head, and picture the base of that volcano. That is the size of the room that we are looking at. A few hundred feet in diameter because we’re talking about a circular space. What you see is this big, long, red, Chinese dragon. Like a big long snake with no wings. It flies without wings. It’s curled up a few times around this hoard in the middle. There’s lava pools everywhere, and, in particular, there’s this lava moat around the treasure hoard of all these different types of elemental gems, and you can see, as you look at this dragon, it opens up its eye and looks at you.
Tyrone/Astronovis: Mmm, the fay have gotten bold.
Theme Song: *rock music plays*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and Chanelle Hayden is our transcriber. Our theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on the lookout for someone to join our team as a Community Manager, so if that sounds like you, shoot us a DM or an email. We’re also on a bunch of social media including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon. So if you’re interested in any of those please head over to them. They’re all @PortalQuandary. That’s Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
Theme Song: *rock music continues*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.
Rosie/Lucille: Ooo! I’m going to go *yawns*
Jorja/Magnolia: Have a nap.
Steven/Noah: That was such a good battle cry. Ooo!
*laughter*
Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s just so happy. She’s got a goat.
Steven/Noah: Also, two hobbits jumping on a horse together sounds so gay.
*laughter*
Jorja/Magnolia: What would you do if we were two hobbits and we went on a horse together?
Steven/Noah: One of them would turn to the other and say, ‘I wish I knew how to quit you.’
Rosie/Lucille: So, that means that Margaret is a Pisces.
Jorja/Magnolia: I also just looked that up.
Olive/Timmit: That’s great because I’m a Pisces.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Timmit a Pisces?
Olive/Timmit: Umm, no.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What is everyone’s star signs is the question?
Rosie/Lucille: Like, in game or?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In game.
Olive/Timmit: I feel like Timmit would be a Virgo, or an Aquarius.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m a Virgo.
Jorja/Magnolia: Timmit would be, I want to say, Leo.
Olive/Timmit: Hmm, no-
Jorja/Magnolia: Because it’s a fire sign.
Olive/Timmit: Oh, true.
Jorja/Magnolia: And you’re not a sagittarius.
Olive/Timmit: No.
Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I want to say Lucille’s a Scorpio actually.
Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille’s an Aries.
Rosie/Lucille: I don’t know what that means.
Jorja/Magnolia: Just chaotic as hell.