Episode 13: The Astronovis

Magnolia and Noah make conversation with the Astronovis, but Timmit and Lucille are less inclined for chit-chat.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language.

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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for two people to join the team as a Transcriber and Community Manager. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Story Logo - SergeQuadado

Fire - mmutua

Light Bulb Pops - CGEffex

Boiling Water, Large, A - InspectorJ

Synthetic Chipring - Owdeo

Baby Goat Bleating - OBXJohn

Wind Chime, Gamelan Gong - InspectorJ

Beating Wings - juskiddink

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Jorja/Magnolia: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can check them out in the episode description.

[music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A large structure looms in the jagged horizon dotted with steam vents. The structure is remarkably different to the rugged landscape around it. The ground is uneven, natural shapes carved into the stone by nature and time, meanwhile the structure is all smooth lines and straight angles, impressive stone columns and a perfectly symmetrical archway at its front. Three figures dwarfed by the structure have stopped in front of it, taking the view of the castle in now that they have arrived. It’s taken all day to fly to it, and dusk approaches, painting the world in a golden light. The group moves forward under the archway, falling into shadow and out of the blazing light of the setting sun. They pace through a courtyard with varying levels of awe at the architecture around them.One of the figure’s voices echoes out across the heat-encrusted landscape. 

Tyrone/Onyx: You’re telling me you study these Astrolustris and whatever this essence business is, but you still can’t explain how clearly fairy-made buildings can just suddenly appear where these Astros are? Without anybody to build them?

Tyrone/Kyros: That’s just it, Onyx, it’s both fascinating and infuriating - a complete mystery so far.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros responds.

Tyrone/Onyx: And the ones you’ve faced before, they seem to value strategy and combat prowess, which is why you’ve asked me along.

Tyrone/Kyros: Alongside the fact that I’ve only just survived both of my recent encounters with the Astrolustris, yes, they do appear to have some level of intelligence - if not sentience! And I hope that by appealing to this sort of ‘game-like’ respect for rules and structure, we may have a slightly easier time appealing to the Astronovis. If we can retrieve its essence with fewer, ah. . .scorch marks, than before, that would be ideal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: On the other side of Onyx, Cleary snorts. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, somehow I doubt that will be the case. But I definitely like our odds a lot better now that this lump’s agreed to come with us.

Tyrone/Onyx: I really appreciate the respect, Cleary, that you address the head of the watch with. I’m so glad I came along right now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary punches Onyx in the arm playfully. However as the group makes their way through intricate - though undecorated and unfurnished - hallways, a solemn hush befalls them. The anticipation for the confrontation ahead is palpable. Eventually, they come to a large high-ceilinged room with enormous rounded windows lining the walls, something Kyros surmises would be a throne room if it had the proper fixings. At the other end of the room, a feathered creature seemingly made from fire itself perches. It is larger than any of the fairies facing it. Its gold-flecked eyes flicker to them the second they enter, pinning them with laser focus. Onyx reaches slowly for his bow , waiting for any sudden movements from what he can only guess is the Astronovis.

Tyrone/Cleary: So. Plan of attack?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary asks quietly.

Tyrone/Kyros: Uh. I’m not sure.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros mutters in response. The Astronovis cocks its head. Onyx groans quietly. 

Tyrone/Onyx: “Great. Great plan, really not regretting any of my life choices right now.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The Astronovis ruffles its feathers, raining sparks when it does. Onyx tenses, but the creature only seems to be making itself comfortable, because it stays where it is, settling its wings back against its sides. It opens a long, slightly hooked beak the colour of ash. A voice rings out from it across the room.

Tyrone/Astronovis: Know any good jokes?

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello, and welcome back to episode thirteen of Portal Quandary Prophis. We ended last episode with Lucille face to face with the Astronovis. The dragon curled around its hoard, which is surrounded by a moat of lava inside the base of the volcano, and now I’m ready to resume the scene. Lucille, you’ve seen the dragon and the hoard.

Rosie/Lucille: Yep, I certainly have. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you plan on going back to tell the others? What’s your plan of attack here?

Rosie/Lucille: At the moment I’m just staring at it, and I’m like, “Guys, guys. It’s not a fire in here. You might want to come have a look at this.” Not quite sure what to do with this. It’s much bigger than anticipated. 

Jorja/Magnolia: If I hear her, I’ll go in.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’ll go in. She’s made sounds. She’s not dead immediately. 

Olive/Timmit: I’ll very sheepishly trail in behind.

Steven/Noah: Goatishly?

Olive/Timmit: No.

Rosie/Lucille: So, is the moat- Do we have to go over lava to get to it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, and so there is a dragon coiled around, and then in the middle of his coil is the moat, and then a big treasure hoard in the middle of that.

Steven/Noah: Oh, he’s coiled around the moat?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: Dragon - moat - treasure?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: By the way, it spoke to me. Do you guys hear dragon’s too?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ve never encountered one, so I don’t know.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, yeah. Alright, fair enough, fair enough. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Mmm, there’s some creatures that aren’t fay here. Come closer so that I can look at you.

Steven/Noah: Do we understand it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Noah: All of us?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Rosie/Lucille: Do you hear that? It wants us to go closer. We should probably listen.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Okay.” I’ll start walking to where I- I guess I can see its head?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, you can see the eye that was looking at Lucille. Its head is facing towards the entrance.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I’ll walk over there. 

Steven/Noah: I’m going to telepathically ask Skittles to do that, but slowly. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m walking towards it, and I’m being like, “What a lovely eye you have.”

Jorja/Magnolia: All the better to see you with. 

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: What do you call that? Is that an emerald green, or?

Steven/Noah: I picture you as Donkey talking to Dragon.

Rosie/Lucille: I was just thinking about that.

Steven/Noah: Large, sparkling teeth. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Timmit listening?

Olive/Timmit: Before Timmit does walk on over, he’ll cast Comprehend Languages on himself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, still?

Olive/Timmit: Just in case, but as soon as Timmit makes eye contact with this dragon he will just freeze. Just unable to move. Completely stuck in place.

Tyrone/Astronovis: You’re what? Some type of rabbit? 

Jorja/Magnolia: In this world, yes.

Tyrone/Astronovis: In this world, hey?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Astronovis: And where are you from?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m from Melbourne,

Tyrone/Astronovis: I haven’t heard of this Melbourne before.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I guess it’s somewhere else entirely because if you’re from where I’m from you’d know of Melbourne. It’s one of the bigger cities in our country.

Rosie/Lucille: Very cold. You probably wouldn’t like it, being a dragon and all. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: I think I’ll decide for myself what I like and don’t like. 

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, an independent dragon. I’m down with that. 

Steven/Noah: Pop off queen.

Jorja/Magnolia: Girl boss. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: And what’s this over little one? What’s this little thing you’re riding?

Steven/Noah: “Oh, this is Skittles,” and I’ll pat Skittles on the head, and he’ll do a mechanical *snort* like a horse. 

*Skittles beeps*

Tyrone/Astronovis: Hmm, named for its skittering I suppose?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, exactly. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Quite intelligent. You, over there. I thought I told you to come closer.

Olive/Timmit: I- uh- I-

Steven/Noah: I’m going to telepathically talk to Timmit. Like, “Oi! What are you doing? Get over here.”

Olive/Timmit: I can’t. I can’t do it. No.

Steven/Noah: I can’t hear you.

Olive/Timmit: This is Timmit in his own brain, just being like, ‘No, I can’t do this. No. I don’t know. This is- What the fuck is this?’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, could you please make me a wisdom saving throw?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, can do.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Thirteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just going to stand there, like, “Do you need me to carry you? I can come get you. Are you good?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You find yourself regarding the dragon as similar to an old acquaintance, as I have cast Charm Person on you.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I said come closer. 

Olive/Timmit: Timmit will start to move forward, but very terrified of it, but cautiously will approach. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: You remind me of my lava pools here. I haven’t seen one of you before.

Olive/Timmit: I am very hot, ha.

Steven/Noah: I’m going to telepathically communicate to Beeyonce, and tell her to go and boop Timmit, and she’s going to go and boop Timmit, and a wave of red is going to come from her nose and wash over Timmit, and he’ll be enchanted with Heroism.

Olive/Timmit: Ooo, what’s that do for me again?

Jorja/Magnolia: Immune to fear?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, basically. You are immune to being frightened, and gain temporary hit points equal to my spellcasting modifier, which is four, at the start of each turn. It’s only up to a minute, sorry. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Are you two from this Melbourne? 

Steven/Noah: Yes, I am.

Olive/Timmit: Yes, but it’s not just one place. It’s like your world. We’re from a small place in an otherwise larger world. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: What do you call this world?

Jorja/Magnolia: Pangea. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, Pangea.

Jorja/Magnolia: Not technically wrong. 

Steven/Noah: Wait, weren’t we Gondwana? I think we were Gondwanaland. I don’t think we were Pangea.

Jorja/Magnolia: We were all once Pangea, were we not?

Rosie/Lucille: Bring back Pangea. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Pangea.

Olive/Timmit: You look like a dragon, but you’re not are you?

Tyrone/Astronovis: Depends on the definition I suppose. I take this form as a being of pure fire. Why? Why do you ask?

Olive/Timmit: Well, I’m just curious because I think you and I, well for now anyway, we share that. Beings of fire.

Tyrone/Astronovis: What are you?

Olive/Timmit: A friend. An explorer?

Tyrone/Astronovis: What do they call your kind I mean.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, that’s a good question. I still haven’t quite figured that out myself yet, but there’s not anyone else like me here. 

Rosie/Lucille: If you could be any form, does that mean you could be a goat?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to notice the goat by your side. 

Rosie/Lucille: In my arms actually.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I suppose this is a goat.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, this is Goaty.

Tyrone/Astronovis: It’s not quite that simple, but I suppose I could.

Rosie/Lucille: So, you could potentially be part of a herd of goats?

Olive/Timmit: Lucille. Lucille, I really don’t think he’s interested, but you feel free to keep going if you want. I’m going to be over here. 

Rosie/Lucille: I provide the best conditions for my goats.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll take three steps away from Lucille.

Steven/Noah: What are you talking about? You’re brave.

Olive/Timmit: I’m not stepping away from the dragon. Just her. I’m brave not stupid.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I suppose I could, but to what purpose?

Rosie/Lucille: Just to live out your days. Just eat some hay. Chomping on some grass. Having some bedtime little pats. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: The dragon form suits me just fine. 

Rosie/Lucille: “We’ll talk later darling.” Lucille would love to have a dragon goat. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Jorja would love to have a dragon goat.

Tyrone/Astronovis: Why? Why are you here?

Jorja/Magnolia: We’re trying to get back to Pangea.

Tyrone/Astronovis: And how will coming into my lair help you get home to Pangea.

Jorja/Magnolia: Because, well obviously you’re very powerful, but we need some-

Tyrone/Astronovis: Obviously.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, so strong. Very impressed, but we think that you have something that can help us because the machine that brought us here was using these essences, I think is what they’re called.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to see him spin around in his coil for a minute. He’s going to rummage around in the hoard, and it’ll come spin back around, and, it’ll be in a claw that will come out from underneath, and he’ll be like:

Tyrone/Astronovis: You mean this essence?

Jorja/Magnolia: Does it look like the other essences we’ve seen?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it’s a small marble size. It’s got the essence of fire in it. It’s got a ruby glow about it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I think that might be it.

Tyrone/Astronovis: And why? Why should I give it to you?

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean, we just want to go home. There’s no need to give it to us, but it would be very nice. I’m sure we could probably do something for you if you wanted. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: I’m sure it would be very nice, but am I feeling nice? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Well you told us not to tell you, so I can’t answer that. 

Olive/Timmit: We needed to save Kyros.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t know if…

Olive/Timmit: Do you remember Kyros?

Tyrone/Astronovis: Kyros? Kyros? It’s not a name that I’m familiar with, no. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, he’s the reason we’re here. He built that first machine that went all goopy, and didn’t work, and brought us from Pangea to here, and so his apprentice person is trying to build a second machine so that we can go back. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: I’m intrigued. Some sort of interdimensional portal machine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Sure, I don’t know. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Well, tell me why I should give it to you. What can you do for me?

Rosie/Lucille: You can live on my farm with me, and be one of my goats, and I’ll take real good care of you.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I think I’m doing just fine here in the lava pools.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean, I don’t want to speak for you or make any assumptions about what you might like, so is there anything you need?

Tyrone/Astronovis: I don’t need anything, but the company is nice every once in a while. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lots of talking on the farm.

Steven/Noah: You want someone to talk to?

Tyrone/Astronovis: Yes.

Steven/Noah: Like, you would like someone to stay here and talk to you?

Tyrone/Astronovis: Not to stay. I do like my lonesome time, but come stay and chat a while. Maybe at the end of it I’ll give it to you. 

Steven/Noah: I’m going to telepathically talk to these two. Sorry, I can’t speak to you because you’ll think it’s your conscience. 

Rosie/Lucille: That’s true.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’m going to speak to Magnolia and Timmit, and just be like, “So, who wants to volunteer themselves to stay here and talk to dragon or should we volunteer Lucille? I can tell her to talk to the dragon because I feel like Lucille is probably the best person to just ramble on.”

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know if that’s the best idea. 

Steven/Noah: I’ll also add at the end of that, “I can’t hear you if you respond in your brains.”

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll just, out loud, be like. “Well, I mean, I’m always down for a chat. I’m happy to come sit and talk.”

Tyrone/Astronovis: Okay. Come tell me a story about this Pangea. Tell me something that I haven’t heard of, such as this Pangea.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll go sit with the dragon I guess, and I’ll be like, “Okay so, our world - it’s like a big ball. Some people think it’s like a dinner plate, and that it falls of the- if you could walk off the side - and then in the middle there’s a big landmass called Pangea, and then in Pangea there’s little subsections that are like countries, and they’ve got cities in there and all kinds of different people, and we’re from one called Australia, and within Australia there’s other different sections.” I’m just going to filibuster a whole bunch of shit about Australia.

Tyrone/Astronovis: So, there’s a lot of cities where you’re from? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Tyrone/Astronovis: Interesting. I only know of the one city the fay have made.

Olive/Timmit: We’re able to hear this whole conversation, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s a big, loud dragon.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, cool.

Jorja/Magnolia: Is that Atrius?

Tyrone/Astronovis: No. What is this Atrius we’re talking about?

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t actually know, I just know the word. I’ve seen the word written down a couple of times…

Tyrone/Astronovis: Atrius… This is Sylvan. This is a Sylvan word. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes. I don’t know how I know that, but I know that. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to cast Message, and I’m going to cast it to Magnolia, and be like, “Good plan. You distract the dragon, and I’ll get the essence.”

Jorja/Magnolia: I can respond to message, so I say, “No, no, no, no.”

Rosie/Lucille: Don’t worry darling, I’ve got it sorted. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Whatever you’re- I will get killed. I am right near its mouth. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to cut it off. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You can’t cut off my response.

Rosie/Lucille: I can’t? 

Jorja/Magnolia: No!

Rosie/Lucille: Then I choose not to listen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can she end the spell? Like, if you’re responding… 

Jorja/Magnolia: You get the option to respond. It’s not a concentration thing, so you can still respond. 

Steven/Noah: It's also not a conversation. It’s one-one. That’s it. 

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, the other one was just in my head. That was me just, you know. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that was Lucille being like, ‘you distract it,’ and Magnolia being like, ‘No, no, no, no.’

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia’s going to get eaten. 

Steven/Noah: I’m sure you’re very tasty.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh thanks. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are the other guys doing?

Steven/Noah: I’m listening to the dragon talk. It’s very interesting.

Olive/Timmit: How long does Heroism last for?

Steven/Noah: A minute. You are no longer brave my lad. 

Olive/Timmit: Almost shitting myself again, but I will take the opportunity while the dragon is talking to take a look around the cavern. Is there anything worth of note that would be cool to go and take a look at?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Please roll me a perception.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Mostly just scattered lava pools around that you can see with a ten. It’s pretty large. You could go for a little wander if you want, but that’s what you get with a ten. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I’ll just try to - as casually as I possibly can - look over at Noah, and be like, “I’m going to… Okay,” and I’ll just go for a little wander and try to stay as close as I can to Magnolia while also trying to take a little look around. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. What is Lucille doing?

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to cast Mage Hand. 

Jorja/Magnolia: This is the death of me. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to try and- Because it’s an invisible hand, right? I’m going to try and do it all sneaky and see if they don’t notice, which they probably will, but, you know, you can always dream.

Steven/Noah: I’m picturing the dragon holding it this whole time while he’s talking. ‘Oh, yes. Very interesting.’ Then all of a sudden it’s just gone. He’s like, ‘Ooo yes. Oh. What happened to my essence? Good heavens, I’ve been robbed’

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, yes. Quite. 

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you’re there with everyone, with Noah and Magnolia, but also doing the Mage Hand?

Rosie/Lucille: Well, you’re sitting with the dragon, right? I haven’t moved since we were standing there with them originally, if that makes sense?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, so you’re still at the entrance?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, I guess roll me a sleight of hand. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yay.

Jorja/Magnolia: You do have to be within thirty feet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you have to come forward a bit.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, I’m going to walk forwards very subtly, like he’s not going to notice me walk forwards, and I’m going to-

Steven/Noah: Oh, isn’t it?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, then I’m going to walk forwards, like, ‘Hmm, yes. Quite’. 

Steven/Noah: Hmm, yes. Pangea, yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: I remember Pangea. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no. This is bad.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh fuck, I’m dead!

Rosie/Lucille: No, wait, no! I’m going to use my luck because that was a one! Alright, Lucky feature. Time to reroll. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: So, that was a three, but nine. I got nine. 

Olive/Timmit: I hope you enjoyed life Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It was pretty sweet. I felt like I was really getting into the groove, so it’s good that I’m getting shot down right before my prime. Just throwing lightning bolts at Lucille. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, a total of nine?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, I guess he can’t see the invisible hand, but what he does feel is the Mage Hand brush against his arm of the outstretched claw with the essence, and he’s listening very carefully, like:

Tyrone/Astronovis: Pange- Which one of you is that? WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THAT!? 

Jorja/Magnolia: What do you mean? 

Steven/Noah: What?

Tyrone/Astronovis: Who has invisible hand?

Rosie/Lucille: Woah, you guys can have invisible hands in this world?

Steven/Noah: Noah is going to immediately put both of his hands up, like, “Mine are visible! It’s not me!”

Jorja/Magnolia: “I’ve got mine here.” I’m just following Noah. 

Rosie/Lucille: No, I don’t have it. The essence.

Steven/Noah: Oh, the essence. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The dragon is going to curl around again and again and again. He’s going to put the essence back on the hoard.

Olive/Timmit: Can I see where? 

Steven/Noah: More importantly, can Beeyonce see where? Asking for a friend.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can everyone roll a perception?

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Fuck you. 

Steven/Noah: I got a five, but Beeyonce got a nine. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  I got an eleven.

Olive/Timmit: Just for the record, I’m not paying attention to the essence. I’m keeping a very close eye, as subtly as I can, on the dragon’s head and mouth. Waiting for a flare. I’m going to be waiting and holding an action for if I see him start to ramp up. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  I probably should have done that.

Steven/Noah: You’re like, ‘I’m looking at the face and the teeth and the dangerous bits.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I assume Timmit is waiting for a Control Flames or something?

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: People who rolled above a twelve will know the Novis essence is. So, I think that’s Lucille only. Lucille, you can see a spot tucked away in the hoard where the dragon has placed it. 

Rosie/Lucille: Cool. I’m not going to say it to anyone because then the dragon will know that I’m looking for it. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yes, that’s the reason. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Now, before we begin this story again, where are all of you? Come here now.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I’m still right here. Hello.

Steven/Noah: I’m also right here. Hello. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh, hello.

Steven/Noah: Hello.

Tyrone/Astronovis: Where is the fire one?

Jorja/Magnolia:  He’s kind of scared of anything that resembles not a human. He’s barely okay with my existence, so he’s probably just back a bit.

Olive/Timmit: Could I attempt to hide?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You want to hide?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What is that? That’s stealth.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Twenty-one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He can’t see you, but he’s still pissed off because you’re not here in front of him. Is Lucille coming forward?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Where is the fire one?

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s just really scared. I think he definitely hears you and respects you, but I think if he gets any closer he might vomit everywhere.

Steven/Noah: I mean, you don’t want vomit in your beautiful lair.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia can roll a persuasion if you’d like.

Jorja/Magnolia: I would like.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: That would be eighteen.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I suppose not. I’ll be keeping a close eye on the essence though. You’re trying to cheat me out of it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m not trying to do anything. I don’t think we’re trying to do anything. I was just trying to talk to you. You saw me the whole time. I’m not very wise in this magic stuff, but the times that I have done it, I’ve had to move my hands, and you didn’t see me do that, did you?

Steven/Noah: “Similarly, I’m an artificer, so I usually build things or use these,” and I’m going to hold up my little tinker’s tools, and they were in my pocket the whole time. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone except for Timmit, because Timmit is away hiding, can you all please roll me a charisma saving throw. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, fuck yeah I can!

Rosie/Lucille: You know Lucille: charismatic as fuck. 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Ooo, that’s good.

Steven/Noah: Noah got a four. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-four.

Rosie/Lucille: I got twenty-two. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah.

Steven/Noah: Sí?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know that you have failed the saving throw, and you know now that you are not able to speak a deliberate lie while you’re where you are.

Steven/Noah: Okay. Do I know that I can’t speak a lie?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The inflicted creature is aware of the spell and can thus avoid answering a questions to which it would normally respond with a lie.

Steven/Noah: Right, okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you can just not say anything instead of lie.

Steven/Noah: Okay, yep. My next question was going to be, do I roll for my robots, but they can’t speak. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that lasts for ten minutes, so for a good while. 

Steven/Noah: Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, the Charm Person is an hour as well.

Steven/Noah: You’re besties with this dragon. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Now, where were we?

Steven/Noah: We were talking about Pangea?

Tyrone/Astronovis: Yes. Magnolia you said your name was?

Jorja/Magnolia: Did I?

Steven/Noah: I don’t think she did. What’s the- I’m assuming he cast whatever he cast. Does he know whether I failed?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know whether a creature succeeds or fails on its saving throw. 

Steven/Noah: Okay, so he knows who can lie and who can’t. Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: You’ve taught me a great deal about this world of Pangea.

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I would love to hear a tale from this other small one, Noah. 

Steven/Noah: That’s me.

Jorja/Magnolia: Noah’s really good at science.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I’d like to hear it from him!

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just telling you what he likes, so that he’ll be more engaging to talk to.

Steven/Noah: I do really like science. Do you want to hear about science? What kind of story would you like to hear?

Tyrone/Astronovis: What is science?

Steven/Noah: Science? It’s the study of everything around us. It’s performing tests, and discovering things about the world around us.

Tyrone/Astronovis: So, magic?

Steven/Noah: See, we don’t have magic in Melbourne.

Tyrone/Astronovis: You don’t have magic?

Steven/Noah: In Pangea, no. There’s no magic in Pangea. Oh wait, am I allowed to call it Pangea?

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s still true. There’s no magic in Pangea. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, you could just be referencing that Pangea had no magic.

Steven/Noah: There is no magic in Pangea. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: And what do you have to tell me about?

Steven/Noah: Depends. What would you like to know about?

Tyrone/Astronovis: What is this science good for? Why is it different than magic?

Steven/Noah: Well, you can see what I’m riding on. I built it myself. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: I have no need for that. 

Steven/Noah: “Oh, well, I thought it was pretty cool.” Noah’s going to be really sad now, like he’s real sad now. I hope the dragon knows that. “Like, I understand that you’re a big dragon and stuff, but that really hurt my feelings.”

Tyrone/Astronovis: Well it hurt my feelings when somebody’s invisible hand tried to grasp the essence. 

Steven/Noah: I don’t know. I don’t even think any of us have invisible hands. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess you haven’t seen… You don’t know about…

Steven/Noah: I don’t know about Lucille’s magic. I’m not lying. 

Jorja/Magnolia: The wrong person failed this save. 

Steven/Noah: *tongue poking out sound* I know fucking nothing. *tongue poking out sound* I have no emotional intelligence. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t care about these losers. I don’t know nothing about them.

Tyrone/Astronovis: Besides this machine… The science back home-

Steven/Noah: So, I mean, you guys use magic here for things like healing and, I don’t know, creating fire. We can’t do that back home, so we use science instead.

Tyrone/Astronovis: How do you have fire? Do you have fire?

Steven/Noah: I mean, I don’t currently have fire, but yes. We have fire in Pangea. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Well, how do you get the fire if it’s not magic?

Steven/Noah: So, we use friction to create heat. So, for example, if you rub two things together with friction such as two sticks then that friction can create heat, and then that can eventually create fire, and that’s how we did it in caveman times before we had more modern technology. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: What?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This dragon in enthralled.

Steven/Noah: Excellent.

Jorja/Magnolia: Are there any stick around?

Steven/Noah: God, I wish.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Probably not.

Jorja/Magnolia: Damn. 

Steven/Noah: That would be cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, no. This is a volcano.

Jorja/Magnolia: I was going start trying to make a fire.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I would love to check in with the other guys while you guys are chatting about science. 

Olive/Timmit: I would like a somewhat detailed explanation of what this room looks like please. Because if I’ve hidden myself away, where am I in comparison to them, and where can I go?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, I’m going to say the room is five hundred feet in diameter. I feel like it’s got to be very large if it’s a volcano. Five hundred feet sounds large.

Olive/Timmit: Circular? Ovular?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, circular. 

Olive/Timmit: Diameter - five hundred feet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. So it’s two hundred and fifty feet from the entrance to the centre. I suppose you’re hiding off towards the edge? Towards the of the circumference?

Olive/Timmit: He’s dead smack in the middle?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, we’ll make it nice and easy. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay, so I’m behind something off to the sideish?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.

Olive/Timmit: And then all three of them are just sat right in front of him?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Olive/Timmit: Can I try and make my way around towards the back of the room, but not all the way at the back. Probably just sixty feet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. Are you trying to do it stealthily?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s time for a stealth check, baby. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay, here we go. It’ll be fine.

Jorja/Magnolia: You’ve got this.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: That’s another twenty-one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, nice. Yeah, you can definitely do that. In fact, do you know what I’m going to give you for running around the room and checking it out? 

Olive/Timmit: What are you going to give me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You notice on the far end of the volcano, far on the opposite side from the entrance, you can see on the furthest edge on the walls of the volcano, you can see just the hint of aetherbloom growing in.

Olive/Timmit: That’s the yucky bad stuff?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The flowers. The reeds, yeah. Noticeably in reed form. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Are you doing anything?

Steven/Noah: None of that’s good.

Rosie/Lucille: Can I like-

Steven/Noah: I’m going to recast Mage Hand!

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Actually, I think it’s still hanging about. Is there a roll I can do to figure out if it’s good or bad?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If what is good or bad?

Rosie/Lucille: If the dragon is good or bad? Like, is it lulling us into a false sense of security by being all chatty and nice, or is it actually chatty and nice, you know?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I suppose an insight is the most appropriate. You can get a sense of character.

Rosie/Lucille: I’ll do that then. I don’t trust that dice. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Six.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s kind of hard to tell because it’s a dragon. Dragon’s aren’t something that you’re used to telling their poker face or anything like that, so…

Steven/Noah: Looks nothing like a goat.

Rosie/Lucille: I was going to say, this ain’t no goat. 

Olive/Timmit: We’re a long way home from goat land now Barbara. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m not doing much then. I’m just listening and scheming. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: And what do they use this fire for back in Pangea?

Steven/Noah: So, we use it for lots of things. Early on, we were using it for food. So, a lot of food is not safe to eat when it’s found in nature. It contains lots of microorganisms, which can be harmful for us, so we usually use fire to first cook the food, which not only makes it smell better and taste better, but it is also more safe for our digestive systems. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: I mean, I usually just eat whatever I want.

Steven/Noah: Damn, lucky for you. See, now if we were to do that back in Pangea most of us die. It was a natural selection process that allowed us to learn more about our world around us. 

Rosie/Lucille: Can I use Mage Hand? Just to give it a little boop on the snoot to see how it reacts?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, so this isn’t being sleight of handy at all? This is just doing it?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I’m just giving it a little boop, you know? Letting it know that the hand’s friendly.

Steven/Noah: Read the room! 

Tyrone/Astronovis: So, you’re saying that there’s organisms more micro than… THE HAND IS BACK! SOMETHING IS TOUCHING ME! 

*low growl*

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*low growl*

Steven/Noah: I don’t know where it’s coming from. I’m really not sure.

Rosie/Lucille: This is really confusing. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s looking and Magnolia and Lucille, like: 

Tyrone/Astronovis: I request the fiery one now.

Jorja/Magnolia: Timmit! Oh, Timmit my love! Where are you? Get the fuck over here!

Olive/Timmit: Whilst this is going on, I make my way slowly towards the aetherbloom because I’m really curious about it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess that’s another stealth roll then if you want to move further across the room. 

Olive/Timmit: Well no, I can see it from here. The aetherbloom, could I tell if it’s moving and shifting? Is it alive?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to sit there and stare at it for a bit, I guess, during the science conversation.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You kind of notice after a few minutes that it’s taking up just a little bit more room than before. Like, it’s slowly growing into the volcano.

Olive/Timmit: Hot damn. Alright, I’ll use Prestidigitation to create an illusory image that fits in my hand of the essence. So, I will use it to create that, and I will step out from behind after I’ve been called out, and I’ll hold it. Look over it. Look over it, and go, “Oh, sorry. Hi, I’m over here.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re holding it out openly?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, and then when it makes eye contact with me I’m going to try to put it back into my pocket.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody else sees this as well, I suppose. 

Olive/Timmit: Maybe. Well, I’m behind the dragon, so depends.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s true actually. It’s probably obscured, hey. You’re going to see the dragon curl around so its head’s on the other side of the pool now.

Steven/Noah: I wasn’t finished talking yet about…

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll listen!

Steven/Noah: Okay! So, microorganisms…

*laughter* 

Tyrone/Astronovis: Why didn’t you come when summoned?

Olive/Timmit: I was a little busy.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I can see that. Hand it over!

Olive/Timmit: What’s the magic word?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: Hi.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you make an intelligence saving throw for me please?

Olive/Timmit: Oh, that’s my schtick, baby. 

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Twenty-six. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s attempted to cast Mind Sliver on you, but you have succeeded. You feel the presence of this dragon in your mind. You’ve managed to have an intellectual battle to fight it off. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh, that’s very rude of you. If you wanted it you could come over and ask me nicely. 

Tyrone/Astronovis: That is mine by right! You have no right to take it. 

Olive/Timmit: “You know what? You’re absolutely right. My humblest apologies.” I’ll try to cast Prestidigitation again, and hold it out, and say, “Here.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to reach out to take it from you, and snatch it.

Olive/Timmit: I will double back and use my bonus action to enter into my bladesong, and I will back up a full eighty feet so that I’m just barely nearly the aetherbloom.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m really shocked that you wanted to piss it off. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s loving it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’re standing in the aetherbloom, or you’re standing in that direction? Okay. 

Olive/Timmit: Just in front of it. Having having watched it for a certain period of time, and having seeing how much it’s grown, I will take that calculation into account when I stand in front of it to know how much time I have before it’s too late.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you up to? What are the other guys doing during this?

Steven/Noah: Well, I don’t know how much we saw, but we definitely heard it, so I guess that I think that Timmit has the essence. I guess I’m going to turn to Magnolia because she’s right there, and be like, “What are we doing? What should we do? I think he’s got the essence.”

Jorja/Magnolia: I- I don’t know, but I think he’s about to get hurt maybe.

Steven/Noah: Maybe? Should we run over and back him up?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think we should definitely get close but not cluster.

Steven/Noah: Because if he’s already got it we can just run, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, maybe. Let’s just try and see more.

Steven/Noah: Uppies. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Uppies.

Steven/Noah: Hoist me up. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I think I’m going to try and get eyes on Timmit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, so you’ve kind of got to run around the side of the dragon’s body.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Where’s Lucille in all this?

Rosie/Lucille: Good question.

Steven/Noah: Are you with us?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. 

Steven/Noah: Okay, maybe I’ll summon Lucille’s conscience. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no.

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* “Lucille, I think we need to move over to Timmit. I think he has the essence,” and then I’m going to cast Detect Thoughts on Lucille.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s interesting because Lucille knows where the essence is. She knows that it’s not in Timmit’s hand.

Rosie/Lucille: Do I?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, you saw it.

Steven/Noah: You saw it on the pile of treasure. So, I’m telling you as your conscience that we should help Timmit, but I am casting Detect Thoughts to hear your response. Talk to your conscience. What do you want to say to it? Tell it to fuck off. 

Rosie/Lucille: So many things.

Olive/Timmit: This whole plan would have been so much easier if I had taken the Message cantrip. 

Rosie/Lucille: Do I need to roll anything?

Jorja/Magnolia: So, he can read your thoughts. There is the option to probe deeper, and then you could possibly make a save, but he can just get your surface thoughts.

Steven/Noah: I’m just reading your surface thoughts. 

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, cool.

Steven/Noah: For the duration of the spell you can read the thoughts of some creatures while casting the spell, and on your action on each round you can focus on the mind of a creature that you can see within range, which is thirty feet. If the chosen creature’s intelligence is three or less or does not speak any language the creature is not affected. So, I’ve just spoken to you as your conscience in your head. So, whatever Lucille’s thinking in response or whatever.

Rosie/Lucille: *telepathically* Fuck off conscience. I know that’s not right. I’ve got to go get the thingy. Not from Timmit.

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* What do you mean fuck off? He has the essence, does he not?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think if you want to say any more…

Steven/Noah: So, I’m using my telepathy to put thoughts into her head, and then I’m reading her thoughts back.

Olive/Timmit: That reverberation must be a headache.

Steven/Noah: I’m fine. My intelligence is really high. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: *telepathically* But conscience, I know that the thing isn’t with Timmit , so why would I go to Timmit?

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* If you know where it is then Timmit doesn’t have it? We should go and-

Rosie/Lucille: *telepathically* Yes, conscience. You’re me. How do you not know this? I’m starting to think that something’s up here conscience. 

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* Oh, of course. We already know where it is. We should go and get it.

Rosie/Lucille: *telepathically* We should, shouldn’t we?” Lucille’s going to run towards the essence. 

Steven/Noah: I’m now going to turn to Magnolia, and tell her the abridged version of what the fuck just happened inside of Lucille’s brain to catch her up to speed.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh god. Okay, fuck. Well, chances are they’re both going to die.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I think we let Lucille get the essence, and then we get the fuck out of here.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Yep.” I’m going to keep eyes on Timmit.

Steven/Noah: Oh wait, before you go I’m going to give you Longstrider. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes! Yes!

Olive/Timmit: All of us are so fast.

Steven/Noah: I’m going to cast Longstrider on Magnolia.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does that manifest for Noah?

Steven/Noah: He’s going to telepathically communicate with Beeyonce because he only delivers any touch spells through Beeyonce, and then Beeyonce will woah oh oh over to Magnolia, and let’s go a boop on the inner thigh. Why not? Let’s be intimate, and it’s going to be a white light energy that’s going to start from touch point and go downwards, and you’re going to feel so fast. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Meanwhile, Timmit. Hello. 

Olive/Timmit: Hi.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve pissed off a dragon.

Olive/Timmit: You know what though? In my defence I must say that I didn’t start it. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That was Lucille I guess.

Rosie/Lucille: What? It-

Olive/Timmit: Don’t. Don’t even say a damn thing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, could you please make a dexterity saving throw.

Olive/Timmit: Yes. In regards to what? What’s happening.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The Astronovis is going to exhale fire in a fifteen foot cone in your direction.

Olive/Timmit: Cool.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: That’s a five.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that's a five total?

Olive/Timmit: Yes. Where did all those nineteens go?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How much HP do you have at fourth level?

Olive/Timmit: Why don’t you deal the damage and find out?

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh shit. Okay. Oh, I guess you are resistant actually. Now that I think about it. He’s dealing thirty-nine fire damage. 

*growl and fire SFX*

[music]

Olive/Timmit: I’ll use a reaction to cast Absorb Elements at second level, so that thirty-nine halved - because I’m naturally resistant to fire - is what? Nineteen? And then I will cast the Absorb Elements to reduce it further.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can it give you double resistance?

Steven/Noah: Does it give you additional resistance? Is that a thing?

Olive/Timmit: Can it?

Steven/Noah: Is it redundant? Like, additional resistance is not a thing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it is redundant, I’m really sorry.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. No, that’s alright. So, I still take nineteen. That’s okay. Ouchies.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’re not casting Absorb Elements at all?

Olive/Timmit: No, I still absolutely will.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: So, I’ve got that stored in there. I’ll just take as much of it as I can, and then when the flames dissipate I’ll look up at him like all the fire is raging off of me, and I’ll, “Is that all you’ve got, huh? Come on!”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does Absorb Elements work for you? I guess because it’s fire as well, does your hair become more fiery?

Olive/Timmit: I would like to envision it as… Because Timmit is naturally kind of red, but when the Absorb Elements comes in it’s like this blue flame that it absorbs up into, and it’ the hair and down along the neck you can see these blue flames flickering all across, and as Timmit stands up as well the petalled band, which has grown new flowers in the day will be absolutely gone, and I’ll absorb that now. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice.

Rosie/Lucille: Is that health?

Olive/Timmit: Yes.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. 

Olive/Timmit: Yes it is. Sweet, glorious health. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The rose in the band just flakes away.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Five. I’m on twelve hit points now.

Steven/Noah: Hashtag health.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: After it releases this barrage of flames, the rest of its body is going to sink into the lava, and it’s going to slowly retract back into the lava moat until you can no longer see its body anywhere. It’s all in the lava pool. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I say we get the essence and get out, right?

Steven/Noah: You’re already getting it love. Did you get it?

Rosie/Lucille: I uh- Oh, did I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know where it is already, so I guess you don’t need to roll.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m just flying towards it real speedy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, which is roughly two-hundred ish feet for you, so it is- How fast do you move? Thirty feet?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

Jorja/Magnolia: But she can dash, so sixty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you can get there in about twenty seconds based on the maths of D&D combat.

Steven/Noah: Well, she started to fly towards it while Timmit was being roasted.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you know what? After the barrage and the body disappearing - that’s twenty seconds there. Yeah, you’ve got it, and you guys that were running towards it to see Timmit, you can see that he’s taken a lot of- Like, the whole area is blazed.

Olive/Timmit: “Okay, let’s get the fuck out of here!” And I will cast Expeditious Retreat on myself.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, by the way, I did put Goaty down. I forgot to mention, but Goaty isn’t with me. Goaty is running around having some fun.

Steven/Noah: Yes, I will cast Longstrider on Skittles. One action. Duration: one hour. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Something else to note before you guys start to turn tail and run is the aetherbloom seems to remain unscathed by the fire and by the time Timmit was done withstanding the fire he was basically standing in it.

Steven/Noah: Are we heading towards Timmit and the aetherbloom or are we going back the way we came?

Olive/Timmit: No. Back that way.

Jorja/Magnolia: Back. Back that way.

Steven/Noah: Oh, thank god. 

Olive/Timmit: Go.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to hang back until I can get to Timmit, and then I will give you ten health with Lay on Hands. So, I reach my hand out to grab you and help you run and pump a bunch of health into you.

Olive/Timmit: Sick.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, you have the essence now. You’re holding it in your hands now. This ruby with the essence of fire inside of it.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo, I feel so powerful.

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* Excellent work Lucille. We’ve done it. Quick, let’s retreat.

Rosie/Lucille: Who are you?

Steven/Noah: Oh, I can no longer hear you because the Detect Thoughts is no longer.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Lucille immediately turning tail and running?

Rosie/Lucille: I’m turning tail, holding the essence, and being like, “I’ve got it! I’ve got the essence!” And I’m going to fly, and I’m going to scoop up Goaty, and then fly out.

*goat bleats*

Olive/Timmit: I’m using all actions, bonus action, and movement to move one hundred and twenty feet per turn.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Holy shit. 

Steven/Noah: Skittles is trying his darndest. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m with Skittles.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, as you scream, ‘I’ve got it. I’ve got it’, and start flying backwards this dragon emerges from the lava and begins chasing you down. You can see the lava drooping off of its body, and it’s mad. It is roaring and causing an uproar.

*roaring*

Rosie/Lucille: Can I try to intimidate it to stay behind?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to stop and turn around to intimidate it?

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to not stop, but keep flying and yell at it to, “Fuck right off!” 

Jorja/Magnolia: How far away am I from it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’d be similar but just behind, so you’re probably one hundred feet away from Lucille, and probably sixty feet away from the closest bit of the body of the dragon.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I’m going to Toll the Dead on the closest bit of the body.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that a sixty feet radius? Yep! I knew exactly…

Jorja/Magnolia: So, wisdom save. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is a twelve.

Jorja/Magnolia: Fail. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh no!

Jorja/Magnolia: Has it taken any damage?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, no one's dealt damage yet.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Four necrotic.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, so am I further away from it than you guys?

Steven/Noah: Timmit has yeeted.

Jorja/Magnolia: So, door, you, dragon. We went around this way because Timmit was here. So, we’re still running back.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, so you’re closer to the dragon than where I am?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, I think so, or there’s a part of it that I’m closer to than I am to you because then you… I don’t fucking know. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m not within sixty feet of it, am I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re within forty feet of it.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, cool. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, yeah. These death bells appear near its body, and sort of leave a little sizzle on its body, but it doesn’t seem too fazed by it because it’s really mad at Lucille right now. 

Steven/Noah: Same.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, you’ve rolling an intimidation?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep. Intimidate a dragon.

Olive/Timmit: Goat in arms.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Eighteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He does not seem fazed by your suggestion that it fucks off.

Rosie/Lucille: That was with a nine by the way. I’ve got plus nine intimidation. Then I’m going to yell at it, “You fuck right off you little… Fuck off!” and fly away. Trying to fly away faster as it keeps running at me terrifyingly. 

Olive/Timmit: Holding up at the door, I want to hold one last spell for as soon as the dragon is within sixty- Oh no, when it’s within one hundred and twenty feet of the door. I’m going to hold Web.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. As it is chasing Lucille down, Lucille is just about to the door, so I assume we’re shooting web?

Olive/Timmit: Yep. I’ll shoot it and try to string him up.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. What do we need to do here?

Olive/Timmit: Each creature that starts its turn in the webs or them during its turn in them must make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save, the creature is constrained as long as it remains in the webs or until it’s able to break free.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck! It rolled a six on its dexterity saving throw. 

Olive/Timmit: That’s a fail.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, I’m restrained? I can’t move?

Olive/Timmit: You’re restrained for - at the start - six seconds, but then a creature restrained by the web can use its action to make a strength check against the spell save DC. Point of note - the webs are flammable.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does this all manifest? Where does this web come from?

Olive/Timmit: So, much like earlier in the entrance of the caves, it’s pulling out the gavel. It’ll be slamming in into the ground and the web will shoot straight up from the ground and string up to the sides of the cavern and the ceiling, and will web around this dragon and will try to bring its wings in and legs down.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s got no wings, but yes.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, well then what a shit dragon. JK. It’s scary.

Steven/Noah: He dealt nineteen points of damage to you. 

Olive/Timmit: He fucking did. He could have done more.

Rosie/Lucille: Have I been caught in the web? 

Olive/Timmit: No, I explicitly made sure that no one was. Just the dragon.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay. Okay, cool. Nice.

Jorja/Magnolia: So, where am I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are - from the entrance - back in the chamber you’d be on the left. I’d imagine by this point you’d be sixty feet from the entrance.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I imagine Noah would be the same. I think you’ve got the same speed, right? Oh, I think you’re slightly slower because you’re five feet less than everyone else.

Steven/Noah: I am on top of a robot who is faster than all of them, so fuck off. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s forty feet, right?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, he’s forty feet, so he’s fifty feet now. Thank you very much. No, because I didn’t go over to help Timmit. I don’t have healing, so Magnolia diverted. I went straight for the exit. So, I imagine that he would have ran past me at some point. I probably would have been the second to the entrance.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, so you’re pretty much at the entrance.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, but I’m going to pull out the ka-caw rock from my pocket. I’m going to press it so it goes ka-caw, and I’m going to yeet it as hard as I can in the direction of the dragon.

Nathan/Hymnbo: Ka-caw!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to get rid of the ka-caw rock. Woah.

Steven/Noah: It’s all I can do. I’ve already lost one thopter. I’m not sending another one in. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I assume that she’s flying next to you? She’d be slower than you now. 

Steven/Noah: I’ll grab her. I’m holding her.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As this dragon is covered in this web and it’s wriggling and writhing and just getting angrier and angrier, it’s going to attempt to cast Hold Person on Lucille. If Lucille could please make a wisdom saving throw.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille can. Oh no.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do succeed. You feel this dragon enter your mind to try and paralyse you, but the adrenaline is running through your body right now.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, get away dragon! I’ve already got enough voices in my head.

Steven/Noah: Guilty! 

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you make a mad dash for the exit?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I'm dashing. I’ve got Goaty, and I’ve got the little ball thingy and I fly.

Steven/Noah: I believe the yeeting continues 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, out of the entrance?

Olive/Timmit: Yep.

Rosie/Lucille: And you’re all trusting me with the essence the whole time.

Olive/Timmit: I’m not even stopping to consider it right now.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, cool. Nice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see as you guys are running down the tunnel that you came in from that this fire chases after you but doesn’t quite reach you in time.

*growls and fire SFX*

Olive/Timmit: Even if it does get close I just Control Flames and, ‘No! Get back!”

Rosie/Lucille: Not today.

Jorja/Magnolia: Get back heathen! Get back!

Steven/Noah: I feel like fire comes in and then turns into something else, right?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, true.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah, that’s right. Let me roll.

Steven/Noah: Come on bubbles.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does actually! 

Olive/Timmit: Oh shit.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, this fire goes in, and as it enters the tunnel a crystal pops and it turns into…

Steven/Noah: I was going to say, is this going to be worse?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It turns into force damage. So, you sort of get that superhero action sequence where the explosion forces you guys forward a little bit.

*explosion*

Olive/Timmit: This was the Shrek movie.

Steven/Noah: That’s what I was picturing, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you just hear it screaming out:

Tyrone/Astronovis: You betrayed me! I will exact my vengeance on all of the fay once I am free! 

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s cool. We’ll be in Pangea. 

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and Chanelle Hayden is our transcriber. Our theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on the lookout for someone to join our team as a Community Manager, so if that sounds like you, shoot us a DM or an email. We’re also on a bunch of social media including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon. So if you’re interested in any of those please head over to them. They’re all @PortalQuandary. That’s Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Jorja/Magnolia: I just like muscles. 

Steven/Noah: It’s a serpent.

Jorja/Magnolia: With muscles. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m just trying to turn it into a goat.

Olive/Timmit: What? You’ve never been horny for a serpent before?

Steven/Noah: Mmm, I wouldn’t say that. 

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia:  Moving on.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m thinking - I don’t know if anyone’s seen, I think it’s Shrek the Third, when it’s Pinnochio when he’s got that long convoluted lie. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah.

Steven/Noah: I don’t know where he’s not. 

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia:  You just keep going, ‘I’ll never tell’. Answer every question with a question.

Steven/Noah: That’s how you do it, yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah.

Tyrone/Astronovis: I can see that. Hand it over!

Olive/Timmit: What’s the magic word?

Steven/Noah: Avada Kedavra!

*extreme laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus christ! I’m dying.