The Astroavos' vague instructions are dispensed and the party commences with a game in the palace of clouds. Will they find the essence of air, or will the Astroavos find them first?
And what happens if it does?
Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and fantasy violence.
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Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber is Tyrone Cross
Noah is Steven Edwards
Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome
Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman
Magnolia is Jorja Odd
Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant
Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)
We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and Transcriber. Send us an email if that sounds like you!
Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com
Sound effects used in this episode include:
grass29 - levelclearer
Beating Wings - justkiddink
stone12 - levelclearer
calm3 - levelclearer
Thunder - straget
coot call - klankbeeld
Screech - MakoFox
Hadidi Ibis - Nixi_Oodle
Opening Chest - SJLeilani
CD_CONTACT_011FX_Red_star_Magic_planet.wav - kevp888
Baby Goat Bleating - OBXJohn
Story Logo - SergeQuadado
Magic - RICHERlandTV
Sun405 - levelclearer
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.
The Astroavos' vague instructions are dispensed and the party commences with a game in the palace of clouds. Will they find the essence of air, or will the Astroavos find them first?
And what happens if it does?
Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and fantasy violence.
Find us on Instagram
Follow us on TikTok
Like us on Facebook
Follow us on Threads
Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber is Tyrone Cross
Noah is Steven Edwards
Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome
Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman
Magnolia is Jorja Odd
Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant
Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)
We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and Transcriber. Send us an email if that sounds like you!
Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com
Sound effects used in this episode include:
grass29 - levelclearer
Beating Wings - justkiddink
stone12 - levelclearer
calm3 - levelclearer
Thunder - straget
coot call - klankbeeld
Screech - MakoFox
Hadidi Ibis - Nixi_Oodle
Opening Chest - SJLeilani
CD_CONTACT_011FX_Red_star_Magic_planet.wav - kevp888
Baby Goat Bleating - OBXJohn
Story Logo - SergeQuadado
Magic - RICHERlandTV
Sun405 - levelclearer
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Portal Quandary has some content warnings, which you can find in the episode description.
[music]
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: The cloudy passageway twists and winds, branching out in a dizzying labyrinth that Cleary is certain keeps changing when they aren’t looking.
TYRONE/Onyx: I still don’t know why I was roped into coming again.
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Onyx grumbles. Cleary punches his shoulder.
TYRONE/Cleary: I’m pretty sure Ayanna’s exact words were ‘Onyx keeps complaining about being bored and really hopes the next big monster wants to fight.’
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Kyros muffles a snort and darts ahead to peer around a corner before waving the others forward.
TYRONE/Onyx: I told her that in confidence!”
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Onyx hisses as they round the corner. The faint sound of wingbeats silences the conversation. The group pauses, ears straining. In the distance, laughter echoes. A half second later, a screech follows echoing with sonic magic. Onyx winces.
TYRONE/Onyx: You think Parav is doing alright with the Astroavos?
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Kyros stops at a T intersection and glances down at his notes before pointing left.
TYRONE/Kyros: He’ll keep it on its toes just fine. Come on, I think we’re nearly at the centre.
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: The trio makes their way slowly through the claustrophobic passageways. Cleary is certain Kyros has led them to the same tiny clearing with passageways going in every direction for the fourth time when suddenly they come out into a room so large she wonders for a moment if they’ve accidentally left the spherical maze altogether. Kyros darts forward to the now-familiar essence shimmering in a little bowl in the centre of the room and tucks it carefully into his satchel. With a flurry of movement, Parav skids into the room from above, the Astroavos’ iridescent wings brushing his heels on every downbeat. When it spots the trio it pulls away from Parav, swooping in a graceful arc and circling once before landing on a perch above them. It folds its segmented legs in and peers down at the group, head cocked.
TYRONE/Astroavos: I congratulate you on your deception, intruders. I did not suspect that you would return in greater numbers after failing to evade me the first time.
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: The walls shift closer, and the room slowly closes in. The Astroavos’ wings flutter.
TYRONE/Astroavos: Perhaps you would be interested in. . . another game?
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Parav lights up. Kyros cuts in hastily before he can respond.
TYRONE/Kyros: No, no no unfortunately we really must be going, but uh, we… had fun?
TYRONE/Dungeon Master: For a moment, all is still. Then, slowly, a tunnel forms in the cloud ceiling. Kyros can see a glimpse of blue sky at the end of it. They are halfway down it when the Astroavos’ voice echoes down the tunnel at them.
TYRONE/Astroavos: Thanks for playing with me!
Theme Song: [rock music plays]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi there. And welcome to episode eighteen of Portal Quandary Prophis. We’ve got a lot of things to get to because the Astroavos has just flown away after demanding a game of hide and seek. If he finds you, you lose. That’s what he said. Whatcha doing?
Jorja/Magnolia: I’m jumping up into the statue’s mouth.
Steven/Noah: Nice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jumping? You’re not gonna climb, you’re gonna jump.
Jorja/Magnolia: I’m gonna jump! I can jump ten. . .ish. . .feet. Give me one second. Fifteen feet!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: OK! You jump. The thing flies away, it’s not even out of sight yet and you’re like ‘boing!’
Jorja/Magnolia: Boing! Insert Mario sound.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We don’t have the rights to that.
Jorja/Magnolia: Sorry. Insert ‘non-specific Italian man jumping’ sound.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are on top of the clouds-
Various: Yahoo!
Jorja/Magnolia: You said there was something in it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah it’s got a little orb in its mouth.
Jorja/Magnolia: Grab.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is part of the statue, you’re basically trying to rip-
Jorja/Magnolia: Ok, maybe I’ll look at it.
Steven/Noah: What is it?
Jorja/Magnolia: What is it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cloud.
Jorja/Magnolia: It’s cloud?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s cloud.
Jorja/Magnolia: Guys I’m gonna jump off and kill myself. It’s just cloud.
Steven/Noah: Oh no!
Jorja/Magnolia: Well. Shit.
Rosie/Lucille: I’ve got a bad idea.
Olive/Timmit: Ok, can I go first?
Rosie/Lucille: Yes you can.
[laughter]
Olive/Timmit: I was just gonna say as soon as Magnolia jumps up, I’m gonna turn around and bring the gavel up and kind of, pull a bit of essence from it and summon Margaret in the space in front of me, and as she appears I’ll just look at her and the simple command that I’m going to give her is: “Hi Margaret, Hi, um, that bird I hope - really hope - can’t see you, so I need you to do one thing for me: find the essence, OK?”
Tyrone/Margaret: Uh, is this like a metaphorical thing? Like I gotta find the essence of the soul? I've been reading a few novels about it.
Olive/Timmit: “Um, no no it looks kinda like this.” and I’ll use prestidigitation to create the shape of the essence in my hand and show her.
Tyrone/Margaret: Ah! Oh is it in the statue up there?
Olive/Timmit: Um, you can definitely check. Like, you have time, just stroll through, look through all the different rooms and try to find it, ok?
Tyrone/Margaret: Ok! I’ll be back.
Steven/Noah: I’m picturing Margaret with her juicy nails trying to climb this bird statue.
Tyrone/Margaret: I’m wearing an office skirt I’m not climbing.
Jorja/Magnolia: *imitating Margaret* “I don’t wanna get a run in my tights.”
[laughter]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I am starting a timer, so something will happen at certain intervals.
Rosie/Lucille: Ok!
Olive/Timmit: You wanna do your bad idea now?
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah-
Jorja/Magnolia: Can - sorry, I’m so so sorry.
Rosie/Lucille: No you go.
Jorja/Magnolia: Can I just quickly cast Divine Sense? ‘Detect good and evil until the end of your next turn, so that’s six seconds, anything affected by the hallow spell or know the location of any celestial, fiend, or undead within 60 feet.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know the location of. . .Rosie. You know the location of Lucille.
Jorja/Magnolia: Is that it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Jorja/Magnolia: Ok.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You had an idea Lucille?
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah! So you know how we’re meant to be hiding from this thing? I just had the thought of ‘what if I hid on it?’ Cause it’s quite big right?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is quite large, yeah. It’s a large creature.
Rosie/Lucille: Ok! I’m gonna go fly after it and try to hide on it.
Olive/Timmit: Man she really wasn’t kidding about just wanting to up and die today, was she?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah that’s about - that is indeed a bad idea.
Rosie/Lucille: Well, it’s like, there’s a good idea behind it because it’s like you hide on it, and then I’ll see where it is! So it’s, you know? It’s keep your enemies close type of thing.
Olive/Timmit: Oh no!
Steven/Noah: Noah’s gonna immediately run into the billiard room and hide.
Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia, seeing that they’ve started talking, is gonna run back to the garden - the greenhouse.
Olive/Timmit: Ok, so, you’ve gone to the rec-room, and you’ve gone to the greenhouse. I will go up towards the study. We’ll split off. Divide and conquer.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rosie, can you please roll me a stealth check?
[die rolls]
Rosie/Lucille: That’s a natural one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that natural one? Ah, what can this thing do?
Rosie/Lucille: I have luck! Wait! Ok, I’m going to spend a luck point and reroll that.
[die rolls]
Rosie/Lucille: Twelve!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I love that you’ve all decided to split up in a boss battle but that’s fine.
Steven/Noah: We were told to hide.
Rosie/Lucille: I never hide with people when I’m playing hide and seek. They give me away.
[die rolls]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A twelve. I’ve rolled a four on my perception against your stealth. You have landed on this heron. Do you know where you guys are going? The bird has landed on the roof, is sort of morphing through the roof, through the cloud roof upon which Rosie you get stuck on the roof because you can’t morph through the clouds.
Rosie/Lucille: Aw!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it is inside one of the rooms.
Rosie/Lucille: So now I'm just hanging out on the roof?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to into the ruby say- *radio* “Lucille? Where did it go?”
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* It just went down the roof. Through the roof into a room.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Which one?
Rosie/Lucille: Where on the roof am I?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Based on where you know the entrance was and the courtyard you know that you are on the roof of the bathroom section.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Above the bathroom!
Olive/Timmit: *radio* The bathroom?
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* The bathroom!
Olive/Timmit: *radio* The bathroom?
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* The bathroom? OK going dark.
Olive/Timmit: I’m gonna immediately turn and go straight into the master bedroom hearing that.
Steven/Noah: I’m gonna go down to the kitchen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know what room youre talking about, are you going to the empty room?
Steven/Noah: I’m going into the final room we haven't been into yet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Could you please put on the final piece of the map.
Steven/Noah: Oh my god it’s a kitchen!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you want the map or not? Just cause you know it's a kitchen doesn't mean you know what it looks like.
Jorja/Magnolia: You say it’s a kitchen?
Olive/Timmit: There's a kitchen?
Rosie/Lucille: A kitchen?!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re losing precious time on your timer.
Jorja/Magnolia: No! This isn’t happening in-game!
Rosie/Lucille: This is out of game!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: OK, sorry. Magnolia you’re going to the greenhouse. What’s happening in the greenhouse? We can see Pidge is absent.
Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, what? Fuck! Have I seen any birds as I make my way?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which way did you go through? Did you go through the dining room or through the lobby?
Jorja/Magnolia: Lobby.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You notice an absence of the pelican.
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck you Pidge. This is shit, then. What the fuck am I gonna do? OK, so there’s no Pidge. Well I’ll cry for half a second, and then-
Steven/Noah: I weep for Pidge.
Jorja/Magnolia: My Pidge, when will he return from war?
Olive/Timmit: Weeping for lord Pidge.
Jorja/Magnolia: Can I. . . fuck! Where’s Pidge? Can I do a perception check of this room to see if there’s anything that’s not-cloud, just from a glance? Or anything that looks off?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So just a look like a perception, you're not gonna investigate?
Jorja/Magnolia: Just a quick ocular pat-down.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright roll it. While you’re at it, can the other guys just roll me perception checks as well, just for unrelated reasons?
[dice rolls]
Steven/Noah: Nat twenty baby!
Various: Ooh!
Rosie/Lucille: This dice doesn't like me. I got ten.
Olive/Timmit: I got a twenty-three for perception.
Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-two!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Going with Magnolia’s first because it’d be rude if I made everyone else roll and then make you wait . No, there is absolutely an absence of spherical objects in this room.
Jorja/Magnolia: Bitch! Um. . .
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s probably good news. You can like, get rid of one room.
Jorja/Magnolia: OK. *radio* Probably not greenhouse. Uh, most likely not greenhouse. I don’t know, I doubt myself. Over and out.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, you don’t hear this which is interesting cause you’re on top of the room, but Noah, you hear some wing flaps in the room next door in the rec-room.
[wing beats]
Steven/Noah: Ew.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, you hear some wing flaps coming towards the study.
Olive/Timmit: I’m not in the study anymore.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, but you hear it coming into the room next door cause you’re in the master bedroom.
Steven/Noah: Hmm. This motherfucker’s become two! How big are these wing flaps?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know what? With a natural twenty, I’ll give you that it sounds like a collection of birds. A flock if you would.
Steven/Noah: Does one sound like Pidge?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know what - with a natural twenty as well you hear a lot of different bird calls. Like some [various bird noises]
Jorja/Magnolia: That’s Pidge alright.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Speaking of which - Noah, what’s happening in the kitchen?
Steven/Noah: I don’t know. I rolled a twenty, you tell me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The kitchen! We’ve got some benches here. You know what’s on the bench? Croquembouche.
Steven/Noah: Is it made of clouds?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
[laughter]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the corner there’s a pantry. There’s a series of chests which you’re free to open. The walls are also lined with sacks of potatoes and onions. In between the doors, there are benches full of dirty dishes, there’s a sink there, and there’s cupboards lining the walls as well.
Steven/Noah: Are the dishes made of clouds?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct.
Steven/Noah: Are they in a sink full of clouds?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct.
Steven/Noah: Is there water in the sink?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Steven/Noah: Does that just mean that the tops of the dishes would be like, coming out of the water, but then any dish in the water would just be water?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Steven/Noah: Wow.
Jorja/Magnolia: EVERYTHING IS CLOUDS. UNLESS IT IS WATER.
Steven/Noah: Can I, with a satisfying *pwah!* lift up one of the chests?
[8-bit jingle]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In one of the chests you have - a chest full of. . . meatballs. And walnuts. And lemons. And onions. And caviar.
Jorja/Magnolia: But they’re just clouds!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re all spherical foods, baby!
Steven/Noah: What, as in all of the chests?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. I've just given you a rundown of all the chests to save you some time.
Steven/Noah: Oh. Was gonna do one at a time. Fine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sorry, would you like to open another one?
Steven/Noah: No cause I know what’s in it! Is the same object in every single chest?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Steven/Noah: OK. There’s just four identical chests.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Correct.
Steven/Noah: Stunning. Can I scoop through and see if it’s cloud?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You may. It is cloud, you feel the little cloud spherical objects run through your fingers.
Steven/Noah: Ok. Sad. There’s a fridge?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, the chests are the fridge. There’s no fridge here. I’m gonna jump over to Timmit real quick. Timmit! You’re in the bedroom.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah I am. OK so as soon as I walk in and I hear the wing flaps behind me I’m gonna use my bonus action to immediately engage my Bladesong. So the fire flowing through my hair is gonna burn that little bit brighter. I’ll also in the same instance cast Expeditious Retreat on myself, so I can now use on this turn an action to dash - each turn as a bonus action. So I wanna just run as fast as I can, which my movement speed is now currently at - so I’m moving eighty feet every six seconds and I want to just run around like a little fire tornado in this room and just basically toss it searching for the orb.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh my gosh! Roll me an investigation I suppose.
[die rolls]
Olive/Timmit: Twenty-seven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Holy shit - what is the modifier on that?
Olive/Timmit: Plus eight - rolled a natural nineteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus Christ! Noting some of the spherical objects in this room include: some sports trophies, all of the handles, and the tops of the four-poster bed, the tops of those are all spherical. All of them are clouds. You feel very comfortable that it’s free of the essence. And as you’re doing that, a flock of birds enters through the door from the study.
Steven/Noah: You've been found.
Olive/Timmit: So my idea, right, is because I’ve got eighty feet of movement per six seconds, so how long are you telling me that I have before that happens?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ll give you a minute. We’ll give you a minute of doing that.
Olive/Timmit: So racing around the room is just gonna be tossing everything - it’s just gonna be knocking things down, lifting things up, pushing cloud, I’m like, dissipating as much cloud as I can in this room. And then as I’m hearing it getting closer, I wanna open the door at the bottom of the room, and then race myself back up to hide in that little - in the closet with all the shorts and the shirts that are hanging on the racks and try to hide myself.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So run around to investigate and then as you hear the flock getting closer you run into the corner in the walk-in closet?
Olive/Timmit: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a stealth check please Timmit
[die rolls]
Olive/Timmit: Yeah that’d be about right. Four.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let me roll a perception. Yes, they did roll higher than that, I'm sorry. You’re hiding yourself in between these little clothes, trying to make yourself invisible in between cloud shirts and cloud pants, and then the door slams open and this flock of birds finds you.
[various bird calls]
Olive/Timmit: Oh! Oh my god! Ahh!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it is going to whip up a frenzy of wind in a ten-foot wide fifteen-foot high tornado. Which I believe is this whole walk-in wardrobe.
Olive/Timmit: Hmm. Swell.
Rosie/Lucille: No, wind. Swell is the ocean.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You must roll an acrobatics check to avoid being swept up. Which, luckily, you’ve got Bladesong on right now.
Olive/Timmit: I sure do. I have advantage on acrobatics checks.
[die rolls]
Olive/Timmit: Not superb, not great. That’s an eleven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That does not beat it, I’m sorry.
Olive/Timmit: Dang.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And so, what it is going to do, is essentially carry you inside of the flock. You are surrounded on every side by birds, and you can feel yourself moving through the rooms. Through the flock of birds you can kind of see the study, and then they throw you at the feet of this giant heron.
Olive/Timmit: Um I-I uh, [retching].
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi Rosie, what are you doing?
Rosie/Lucille: That’s an excellent question. See, I’m of two minds: I could do the normal thing and go and fly through the door. Or, I could try to melt the clouds with fire and go through the roof!
Steven/Noah: ‘Or I could melt the clouds with fire?’ Love.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You sure could.
Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna melt the clouds with fire.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that with Druidcraft?
Rosie/Lucille: Faerie Fire!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t think Faerie Fire is real fire.
Olive/Timmit: Faerie Fire spell lights things up and that’s it.
Rosie/Lucille: Ugh! Well where’s my fire? I’ve got fire. Yeah, I’m gonna use Druidcraft! That’s very misleading, it’s called ‘Faerie Fire’!
Olive/Timmit: I agree.
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I’m going to make a little fire and put it on the cloud roof and see what happens.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll just say that you melt a hole through this roof. I assume you drop down into the bathroom.
Rosie/Lucille: Yes I do. I melt a little hole and I’m like “Ooh, that worked!” and then I pop on down into the bathroom.
Steven/Noah: I’m so sad that Lucille would have no idea what ‘Mission Impossible’ is. If she did, she’d be like *humming Mission Impossible theme song*. She wouldn’t-
Rosie/Lucille: I also don’t know anything about that.
Olive/Timmit: Oh, maybe she would though!
Rosie/Lucille: No, she doesn't watch TV.
Olive/Timmit: Oh, you're right.
Jorja/Magnolia: If Rosie doesn't know it, Lucille doesn’t know it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You drop down into the bathroom, and there’s a notable absence of the Astroavos in this room.
Rosie/Lucille: As in there‘s no birds?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s no birds.
Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna talk into the ruby now that I've remembered we have those cool little things. *radio* “Is anyone around? Have you seen the big bird yet? I’m in the bathroom. The bathroom in the clouds.”
Olive/Timmit: *radio* Ahh, help! Help!
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* I think - maybe - Timmit sees a bird.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Timmit, what room are you in?
Olive/Timmit: *radio* [Unintelligible sounds of fear].
Steven/Noah: *radio* No no - which room are you in?
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Alright after this we need to have a meeting: Timmit Fucking Sucks.
Rosie/Lucille: Can I just like roll a little perception-y thing to see if I can hear Timmit’s voice coming from a room?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah go for it.
[die rolls]
Rosie/Lucille: Twenty-two.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys are rolling quite well today. Yes, you can hear him in fact in the next room over where you remember the study was.
Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna jump into the study! Woo!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And when you get into the study, Timmit is currently being pecked-
Olive/Timmit: Bring it.
[die rolls]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: -With a nineteen.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah that’ll do it cause by this point my Bladesong will be done.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How long - it’s a minute right?
Olive/Timmit: It lasts a minute, yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah you spent a minute running around the room.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah. So technically I shouldn’t have had advantage with that acrobatics check but it didn’t matter anyway.
[die rolls]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s alright. You've just taken eleven piercing damage from the beak as it smashes down on you.
Olive/Timmit: Ow!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And that is what Lucille sees.
Olive/Timmit: Are we entering initiative? Cause I wanna fight back.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is attempting to run away, but we can enter a quick initiative if you’d like.
Olive/Timmit: Hell yeah, like as soon as it pecks me, both my hands just push upward toward it to try and push it away and just- “GET AWAY FROM ME, BURN!” and I’ll cast Burning Hands at third level.
[fire roaring]
Steven/Noah: I picture Noha just like listening in on the other end eating some clouds, being like “Mmm.”
[laughter]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve helped yourself to the croquembouche.
Olive/Timmit: So the bird creature needs to make a dexterity saving throw.
[die rolls]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is a ten.
Olive/Timmit: It fails and it takes thirteen points of fire damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good lord! It is not very happy about that in the slightest. You can see this fire burning up towards it as it has joined forces with the flock again and is flapping with one wing to get up through the roof.
Olive/Timmit: As it’s fleeing and I’ve burnt it and can hear it screaming behind me I’ll turn and try to crawl away as fast as I possibly can.
Rosie/Lucille: Do I have time to really quick attack it? Cause Lucille’s reaction would be ‘attack!’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah I’ll give that to you as it’s flying away.
Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna whip out my wand of Magic Missiles and go “Get away, you bird!”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That just goes off hey, you just deal the damage from memory?
Rosie/Lucille: There's three darts, each is 1D4+1. I’m gonna aim them all at that birdie with the little wing that’s not working.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Better roll 3D4.
[dice rolls]
Rosie/Lucille: So four for the first one, three for the second one, three. So ten.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. It’s taken a total of twenty-three damage so far. And then it squirms up through the roof with one wing. Magnolia! What’s happening over in the greenhouse?
Jorja/Magnolia: First things first: I’m gonna cast Speak With Animals.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes?
Jorja/Magnolia: To hopefully hear some chatter. And then go back into reception. That’s - lobby.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Same thing, yeah.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah!
Steven/Noah: And ding the bell.
Jorja/Magnolia: *laughing* HELP!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Currently in the lobby is a flock of birds.
Jorja/Magnolia: Wait. Did I hear that before - I did just cast Speak With Animals.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s entering as you enter, so no.
Jorja/Magnolia: Ok. It’s not a reaction spell, it’s like a bonus action: as the doors are opening, hearing them, can I cast Misty Step-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooh! Where did that come from?
Jorja/Magnolia: Ooh, you know, second level spells baby! -Uh, to the other door to the dining room, cause I have to see it and I imagine that door isn’t open? Like. We didn’t close any doors, but maybe someone else did.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does that manifest for Magnolia? This is a new thing for her.
Jorja/Magnolia: Ooh, OK, so starting from - in her new armour, the magnolia that is on it, just like, silver mist starts pouring from it-
[mystical music]
Jorja/Magnolia: -and then pulls at her feet. And then she sort of melts into a puddle and then. . .pops up!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh my gosh. And you’re in the dining room!
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s happening in here?
Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, what is happening in here? Are there any birds?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There are no birds here currently.
Jorja/Magnolia: God. OK. I’ll have a look around.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You wanna investigation?
Jorja/Magnolia: I want a perception.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: OK.
Jorja/Magnolia: Thank you!
[die rolls]
Jorja/Magnolia: *laughing* you’re not gonna believe this. It’s a natural twenty! For twenty-five.
Olive/Timmit: That’s sick.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I swear the only time you guys roll natural twenties is when we’re in combat.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. Immediately you know just having a quick look around, the essence is not in this room. With a natural twenty - the chandelier on the roof had glowing orbs: all clouds. The feast on the table, the grapes, the veggies: all clouds. The little orb things that are on the coat rack? Cloud.
Jorja/Magnolia: Niiice. *radio* “Dining room clear. Over and out.”
Rosie/Lucille: Did we ever ask the bird if it has the orb? Did we talk to the bird and ask if it has the orb?
Jorja/Magnolia: He said ‘find it’ so I assume he doesn’t have it. The birds that went into the lobby - can I hear what way they might be moving? Or anything that they’re saying?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I imagine that they’re moving towards the greenhouse cause they saw you for a moment.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. Fuck.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can hear-
Tyrone/Pidge Friend? Magnolia. Hi! You there? Where go? Pidge here.
Jorja/Magnolia: “Pidge!” Is he part of the flock?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck you Pidge you traitor!
Steven/Noah: I’m picturing one of those monsters who has like an anglerfish with - just with Pidge like ‘come on!’ and behind is this big swarm of other birds ready to fuck you up.
Tyrone/Pidge: Find essence?
Jorja/Magnolia: I haven’t found the essence.
Steven/Noah: *Imitating Pidge* ‘You better find it or I’ll kill ya!’
Jorja/Magnolia: I’m trying Pidge!
Steven/Noah: We’ve lost our only ally.
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck that sucks. I will - do I use all of my spells? That’d be kinda funny.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: When else are you gonna use them?
Jorja/Magnolia: That’s true!
Steven/Noah: When you’re getting pecked to death.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah that’s kinda what I’m trying to avoid but I don’t know how long that I’ll last so-
Olive/Timmit: The pecking comes for us all.
Jorja/Magnolia: Mmm. Peckoning. Can I hear any other birds other than Pidge from the other direction?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you’re searching through the dining room, you sort of hear the sudden appearance of birds in the room ahead of you in the bedroom.
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck it we ball. I go into the courtyard again.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. Timmit, could you please just roll me a flat twenty for Margaret?
[die rolls]
Olive/Timmit: Ooh. Ten.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do - you can hear her like normal, or do you have a telepathic link with her?
Olive/Timmit: Let me double check - I’m pretty sure I have a telepathic link with her. Here’s the thing though: technically Unseen Servant - they don’t actually talk. So I mentally give a command to Margaret.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh fair. OK. I imagine that she would talk back mentally then.
Steven/Noah: You have been talking to yourself this entire time.
Tyrone/Margaret: Yeah Timmit I’m in the kitchen at the moment, Noah’s here, he’s just eating some croquembouche. It doesn't look to be in here, I’ll just keep lookin’ around.
Olive/Timmit: *panting* Ok. Yeah. Yeah sure. Good. That’s. . .huh.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, which way were you crawling?
Olive/Timmit: Away from the bird.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Into the courtyard, or the bathroom, or the master bedroom?
Olive/Timmit: Was it directly in the middle of the room?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It would’ve been off to the right slightly when it went up.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah. OK, so back into the bedroom then.
Jorja/Magnolia: You’re just like army-crawling out of a room.
Olive/Timmit: Oh dear.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, what up? Hanging out in the kitchen?
Steven/Noah: Eating croquembouche.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you like to go anywhere else or are you happy eating your croquembouche right now?
Steven/Noah: Dunno, can I hear flocks of birds?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can hear a flock of birds pass through the lobby. They’ve gone in and they’ve left again.
Steven/Noah: OK. Well they’re not in here, so - they’ve gone away. I guess I should investigate the room a little further? Cause I really only looked in the chests. Unless it’s in the croquembouche. Cause I have looked up and down that thing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It's not in the croquembouche.
Steven/Noah: If it’s in the croquembouche I fuckin’ found it, dammit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you like to investigate further?
Steven/Noah: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll that investigation.
[die rolls]
Steven/Noah: I’m trying to remember what my modifier is. Oh fuck. Twenty-six.
Olive/Timmit: The fuck?
Steven/Noah: I have a plus seven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beeyonce is giving you a little help - she’s like investigating every single potato. In fact actually, while you're in the kitchen, you can see potatoes are being lifted up and put back down but-
Steven/Noah: I know it’s Margaret but I’m still not happy about it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the pantry, you find bowls and bowls and bowls of eggs. All the eggs are clouds, there is no essence. There is -
Steven/Noah: This must be where all the cloud birds come from! From the cloud eggs!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh my gosh. You are very confident now that the kitchen is clear.
Steven/Noah: Twenty-six I bloody hope so.
Olive/Timmit: How fucked is that though? There’s just a bowl full of eggs in this bird house.
Steven/Noah: That’s pretty fucked.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you like to have a look somewhere else?
Steven/Noah: Sure! I guess I’ll move into the lobby cause they just left the lobby.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep! Moving into the-
Steven/Noah: I’m gonna open the door first and see if I can see them.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can’t see anyone. You sorta see wind shaking the door. You know how like when it’s really windy and your door sorta rattles?
Steven/Noah: Which door?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Door opposite you which is the greenhouse door.
Steven/Noah: OK. I’m gonna send Beeyonce to the courtyard.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: OK.
Steven/Noah: And tell her if she finds any birds to come back. And if she doesn't: stay there.
[laughter]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well she’s dead.
Steven/Noah: Stay - well - [noise of disagreement]. She’s very fast. Oh actually I’m gonna cast Longstrider on her. I'm gonna cast Longstrider and. . . Sanctuary.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I love that!
Steven/Noah: She’s a speedy little invulnerable beast of a thing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you’ve cast Longstider and Sanctuary on her?
Steven/Noah: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I love that - how long does that last?
Steven/Noah: Not long enough. Yeah. One minute. Sanctuary's one minute.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think from memory what happens is a little barrier around her appears. It’s like hexagonal bits of energy.
Steven/Noah: Yeah. Like a hexagonal sphere.
[magical chime]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you doing anything while she’s investigating?
Steven/Noah: I mean I’ll probably have a look around the lobby.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
Steven/Noah: And investigate the lobby.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let's do one more investigation.
[die rolls]
Steven/Noah: Nineteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A nineteen? Why the fuck are you guys rolling so good?
Steven/Noah: Not sorry.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The lobby: you can see some decorative orbs similar to the one that was in the study - you can see them on either corner where there aren’t lounges. You’ve inspected each olive and nut that are sitting on the coffee tables. All clouds. You’ve even checked behind the desk and found the secret stash of olives and nuts that was kept by the clerk. The cleric if you would. All clouds. You feel confident that the lobby is free of the essence.
Steven/Noah: Heck! *radio* “It’s not in the lobby. Over.” It’s also not in the croquembouche. Oh yeah, I should probably tell them it’s not in the kitchen.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Well I've had an excellent idea I’ll have you all know - a stroke of genius! My excellent idea: so, just then I put some fire onto the roof and all the cloud went away! So I thought ‘if the essence is the only non-cloud, we just burn the whole thing down!’
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* If you kill Pidge I’ll fucking kill you.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Pidge is cloud!
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* I DON’T CARE.
Olive/Timmit: *radio* I hate to say it, but she does have a point.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Shut up, bird-hater!
Olive/Timmit: *radio* I - I’m not against the birds. I mean this is a marvellous spectacle, I’d love to figure out how it works, but-
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Are we all for me burning it down? Cause I’ll do it now!
Olive/Timmit: *radio* We can fly.
Steven/Noah: *radio* What if it drops out of the sky and we didn’t see it.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Nooo, catch!
Steven/Noah: *radio* What if we don’t see it?
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Oh.
Steven/Noah: *radio* What if - in all the fire - we don’t see it?
Olive/Timmit: *radio* Stand down, Lucille.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Also we’re IN the cloud. Like, c’mon man.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* We can all fly!
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* I’m in a room of cloud. You’re gonna set it on fire and you’re like ‘You can fly!’ There’s still fire!
Olive/Timmit: *radio* Just fly though it - it’s cloud and fire you’ll be fine.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* OK - I’m leaving.
Olive/Timmit: We’re in the same room right now aren’t we?
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.
Olive/Timmit: OK.
Steven/Noah: I really hope you guys are talking on the ruby the whole time.
Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah!
Steven/Noah: Like back-to-back.
Olive/Timmit: One hundred percent! The feedback is insane, but you have to do it. I’m gonna turn over and lay on my back for a minute and - where did the bird peck me? How badly did it get me?
Steven/Noah: Through the chest.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Right in the forehead. Magpie style.
Olive/Timmit: Oh shit! So I’m just bleeding from my head right now?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah a little bit.
Olive/Timmit: Ow! Just gonna very tentatively reach up and touch it and pull it away and see all the blood and just “Ah - ow! Is - is it - how bad is it?”
Rosie/Lucille: Oh you’re fine young chap, I’ve seen worse on my goats!
Olive/Timmit: But they're goats, so you know. . . that’s-
Rosie/Lucille: “It’s just a little scratch! The blood is just - you’re fine. You’re fine!” Meanwhile in my head I’m like ‘oh god that’s a lot of blood.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Speaking of goats - Goaty has wandered off.
Rosie/Lucille: What? Oh no!
Olive/Timmit: When did you bring Goaty back out?
Rosie/Lucille: Goaty just always there. I haven’t got rid of Goaty.
Olive/Timmit: No that’s not true.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think you got rid of Goaty while you were flying but then you brought him back.
Rosie/Lucille: So Goaty’s wandered off. Do I notice Goaty wandering off?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He hasn’t wandered too far - he’s still in the room, but he’s just having a little look through the books.
Steven/Noah: He’s been swallowed by birds.
Rosie/Lucille: Goaty! Goaty, do you see anything? Like an orb? Fetch Goaty! Fetch the Orb!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You just hear a bleat from behind the books.
[Goaty bleats]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Having a little play around to be honest. Telepathically I guess, Goaty will be like-
Tyrone/Goaty: No!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can Goaty roll a perception?
Rosie/Lucille: Goaty can roll perception I’ll - not use that dice, been my back luck dice.
[die rolls]
Rosie/Lucille: Seventeen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seventeen. Goaty’s rummaging around the room and starts bleating and dancing in circles around the orb in the middle of the study.
Rosie/Lucille: “Goaty! Goaty you found it! Oh my gosh.” And I run over and pick up Goaty and give Goaty a big hug and kind of forget about the orb for the moment, because Goaty’s such a good little Goaty!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, are you doing anything?
Olive/Timmit: I’ll sit up and look over and just “Did- did your goat just find the orb?”
Rosie/Lucille: Yes, it’s all that training I gave him from my years of orb-hunting experience, yes!
Olive/Timmit: “Hm. Ok. Um - cool?” I just put my finger up to the earpiece. *radio* “I think the goat. . . won?”
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Uh, doubt.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is anyone gonna check out the orb?
Olive/Timmit: I’m not going near it.
Rosie/Lucille: I'll just pick it up - look at it. What does it look like?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is a very large orb - like it is ten-foot in diameter, you would not be able to pick up this orb. It is a large sphere in the centre of the room.
Rosie/Lucille: Ooh. Uh *radio* “So we definitely found the orb, no need to set it on fire anymore, um - but it’s big. Help?”
Steven/Noah: *radio* Are you sure you found the right orb?
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* It’s not - it’s not a cloud?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s Goaty’s intelligence?
Jorja/Magnolia: What’s Lucille’s intelligence?
Rosie/Lucille: Is that a minus four?
[laughter]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sorry - what was Goaty’s intelligence?
Rosie/Lucille: Three for a minus four stat?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think Goaty thinks he’s found the essence.
Rosie/Lucille: And Lucille believes it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This orb was already investigated by Magnolia last episode.
Olive/Timmit: *radio* False alarm. Nevermind.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Called it.
Olive/Timmit: *radio* Taken a bit of a head wound.
Jorja/Magnolia: Damnthatsucksbro
Steven/Noah: Sounds like you could use some heals.
Jorja/Magnolia: Oh if only we had a healer!
Steven/Noah: I don’t think anyone knows how to do that! Magnolia, do you know any heals?
Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t - not off the top of my head!
Olive/Timmit: I’m just gonna take the earpiece off for a moment and take a deep breath in and then I’ll use my ring-
Rosie/Lucille: “No, that’s ok! You can have a little smooch from Goaty!” and Lucille goes over and puts Goaty’s face up against Timmit’s for a little smoochie!
Olive/Timmit: Do you wanna get burned, bitch?
[die rolls]
Olive/Timmit: Oh fuck that’s rough. I get - little petals on my ring just fall off and wilt away and then I get five points of healing back.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s really important right now because the Astroavos kicks down the door of the master bedroom and walks into the study.
Olive/Timmit: Run.
Rosie/Lucille: Ah!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The Astroavos is going to exhale a forceful gust of wind from its mouth, pushing you back - sorry, you must roll a dexterity saving throw first.
Olive/Timmit: Us?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes
Jorja/Magnolia: And Goaty!
Steven/Noah: Goaty know how to do this?
Jorja/Magnolia: No he dead.
Steven/Noah: You have a smooth brain!
Jorja/Magnolia: No wrinkles or bumps.
Steven/Noah: All ideas slide right off.
[die rolls]
Rosie/Lucille: I got fifteen. Goaty got. . .
Jorja/Magnolia: Goaty about to fucking die.
Rosie/Lucille: Fifteen! No - fourteen.
Olive/Timmit: Timmit got eleven.
Jorja/Magnolia: *laughing* A goat beat you, dude!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille and Goaty are hanging on for dear life after this forceful gale of wind. Timmit just flies right by and ends up smacking into the door into the bathroom behind you, ending up in the bathroom.
Olive/Timmit: Ow! Ah, god damnit! Ugh.
Steven/Noah: *radio* What’s uh- what’s happening over there?
Olive/Timmit: *radio* Birds - SUCK!
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Big bird, big gust wind!
[laughter]
Steven/Noah: Thank you for the update Goaty. Lucille-
[more laughter]
Rosie/Lucille: Sometimes Goaty just gets into my head, you know?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m just gonna cut over to Magnolia really quickly cause we’ve been a while since we visited you - what’s happening in the dining room? You were heading up to the courtyard right?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the courtyard, coming out of the door from the lobby-
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck, dude!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beeyonce comes through.
Jorja/Magnolia: Oh thank god. “Ah, Beeyonce, you’re so beautiful and talented!” Uh, I’m gonna have a quick look in the courtyard - perception - to see non-cloud objects.
[die rolls]
Jorja/Magnolia: Is there a non-cloud? With an eighteen?
Steven/Noah: I detect non-cloud!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With an eighteen, the only orb that you can see in this area is the orb inside the mouth.
Jorja/Magnolia: [Annoyed sound]. Ok.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Woah. That’s another room ticked off the list!
Jorja/Magnolia: Ugh, this is so many.
Rosie/Lucille: I still say we burn it.
Jorja/Magnolia: Shut up Lucille! *radio* “Courtyard’s clear! Beeyonce’s here, she's cool.
Steven/Noah: *laughing* Like, Beeyonce’s there and we’re just like ‘Fuck Goaty’. Like they’re the same goddamned thing and we’re like nah, fuck the goat!
Jorja/Magnolia: I can touch Beeyonce, I can give her little pets! I don’t know if I can do that with Goaty, I haven’t tried!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As a quick recap - I’ve been keeping track of which rooms you’ve ticked off. You have not yet ticked off the rec-room, the study, or the bathroom.
Jorja/Magnolia: OK, top corner - got it.
Steven/Noah: Well I was in the rec-room and then-
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.
Steven/Noah: I was-
Jorja/Magnolia: That’s why I was going over there.
Steven/Noah: I was running away from the birds. Like, nope!
Jorja/Magnolia: Can I hear birds? Chattin’?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can hear birds in the room behind you, they’ve come into the dining room, and above you in the study with the Astroavos.
Jorja/Magnolia: That sucks.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can just hear-
Tyrone/Astroavos: I found you! You didn’t hide very well!
Jorja/Magnolia: The Astroavos said that?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
Jorja/Magnolia: Ahah - sucker.
Steven/Noah: Take that Pidge.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, like ‘shut up Pidge, alright!’ Bitch-ass Pidge. I’m just gonna say to - on the crystal *radio* “Uh, the - the big bird’s mocking you guys in the study, just so you know.” And then I’m gonna run into the rec-room.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: *imitating Magnolia* ‘You guys are getting attacked, uh, I’m not going that way.’
Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck that! I’m finding this orb man! Also we’ve established - I don’t know how to heal.
Steven/Noah: It’s every man for himself.
Jorja/Magnolia: No one has that magic, that’s crazy! Timmit can hold on, it’s fine.
Steven/Noah: What is magic? We don't have magic in pangea!
Jorja/Magnolia: There’s no magic in pangea!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll give you the rec-room. What’s happening in here?
Jorja/Magnolia: I'm frantically looking, running out of options, scared for my life.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: *imitating Magnolia* ‘He’s gonna find me, he’s gonna find me!’
Jorja/Magnolia: Pidge has betrayed me! There’s nothing to live for!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I suppose you’re rolling another perception?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You roll another fucking twenty I swear to god. Anything above a ten I swear to god.
[die rolls]
Jorja/Magnolia: I didn't roll a twenty. I rolled a nineteen, so that’s a twenty four.
[laughter]
Steven/Noah: I smell an essence.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The rec-room. Those billiard balls: clouds. The chandelier with, again, the orbs: clouds. Billowing fire: clouds.
Steven/Noah: They're very light, wispy clouds.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. They’re glowing like the sunset.
Jorja/Magnolia: There’s a sunset in this fireplace!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. Poker table with the chips: all clouds. This room is good.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Rec-room’s clear.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Olive, could you please roll me another twenty for margaret?
Olive/Timmit: Yar.
[die rolls]
Olive/Timmit: Eleven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven.
Olive/Timmit: Less mid.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You just hear in your brain as you’re getting fuckin’ blown away-
Tyrone/Margaret: Yeah, Timmit honey, I just checked out the lobby, uh, Noah’s still here again. Uh, nothing to note.
Steven/Noah: Leave me alone, I’ve fucking got this! Jesus christ!
Tyrone/Margaret: I’ll uh, keep checking it out, I’ll keep you posted.
Olive/Timmit: Ugh, thank you - ow. Thank you Margaret, OK.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Speaking of Noah - Beeyonce hasn't come back. Uh - Beeyonce-
Steven/Noah: Which means that there’s no birds in there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, Beeyonce hasn’t come back.
Steven/Noah: I’m gonna check the front door.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes?
Steven/Noah: I wanna see if there’s anything going on on the. . .my side or the other side.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a quick investigation.
Steven/Noah: A quick one?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. Uh-
Steven/Noah: Can I do a more in-depth one?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. It’s not a very big area.
[die rolls]
Steven/Noah: Ooh! Twenty-six.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So remember last episode when Magnolia rang the bell? The reason it made a sound is because it was in fact real, and banging against the clouds. The essence is sitting inside the little bell. Being the little clanger.
Steven/Noah: Mine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You pick up the essence and you feel the essence of air inside.
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Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Lucille, you see the Astroavos stepping towards you - closer, and closer, and then all of a sudden it looks like it’s sort of hypnotised as it steps back. It announces loudly - not that anyone can understand it-
Tyrone/Astravos: Congratulations! You found it! I found you but I didn't find all of you.
Jorja/Magnolia: I can! *radio* “The bird says congratulations, we found it. He found us, but not all of us - not the science gang.
Steven/Noah: We play by the rules bitch.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah baby!
Steven/Noah: That’s uh - that’s two points for science!
Jorja/Magnolia: [Hooting].
Steven/Noah: How’s it going, rash idiots?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: OK. The Astravos has backed down and the flock of birds that was coming into the courtyard has separated and all the birds have gone their separate ways. Including Pidge, including the raven, including the pelican, including the ibis, and a whole bunch of others. And Pidge I guess will run up to Magnolia.
Jorja/Magnolia: Yes!
Tyrone/Pidge: You found!
Jorja/Magnolia: You found me Pidge, good job!
Tyrone/Pidge: You like game?
Jorja/Magnolia: That was a fun game, you’re really good at it!
Tyrone/Pidge: I found you!
Jorja/Magnolia: You’re so good!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you guys all meet up?
Jorja/Magnolia: I will just put my hand out to - for Pidge, if he wants, and then I’ll stroll into the bathroom where I heard Timmit get slapped into. I’ll just pat his little head and go “It’s OK - don’t look at him - it’s OK!” and heal you.
Olive/Timmit: I’ll just kind of. . . very, somewhat painfully getting up off the floor and dusting myself off, and just giving this nasty stink-eye to these birds. Just feel up the top of my head and kind of- “Ow! Ugh. Thank you.”
Jorja/Magnolia: “You’re welcome.” I heal you for ten.
Olive/Timmit: Woo! Back up to full.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, in your head you hear-
Tyrone/Margaret: Yeah, I found uh - I found the orb thingy. Noah’s holding it right now.
Jorja/Magnolia: She found it.
Steven/Noah: Bitch gonna take my fucking credit?
Olive/Timmit: Margaret, you are. . .
Steven/Noah: She is indescribable.
Olive/Timmit: “You are a gem. Thank you my dear.” And I’ll just mentally dismiss her.
Tyrone/Margaret: Oh yeah, thanks for taking me on this castle tour of yours. Goodbye!
Jorja/Magnolia: Mentally disintegrate her.
Steven/Noah: Noah’s just gonna feel a sense of relief.
Tyrone/Astroavos: Come centre now! Courtyard! Statue - come!
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* OK everyone to the statue!
Steven/Noah: *radio* Copy that.
Olive/Timmit: *radio* Roger roger.
Steven/Noah: Noah’s gonna walk out into the courtyard and be like “Hey, Beeyonce! You survived!”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Be like ‘I didn't find anything!’ When you step out into the courtyard that circular bit in the middle around the statue is now glowing with that same blue light that you remember from the Astroneptis and the Astrotheran, but not the Astronovis.
Steven/Noah: Why, what happened?
Rosie/Lucille: I am, um, very confused.
Steven/Noah: I don't remember.
Various: [Overlapping sarcastic confusion].
Tyrone/Astroavos: Step in ring - I heal you!
Jorja/Magnolia: We step in ring.
Tyrone/Astroavos: Sorry for hurting you!
Jorja/Magnolia: “Everybody step into this ring. The bird is sorry for hurting you, Timmit. But they’ll heal us!” I’m gonna step in while holding Pidge.
Tyrone/Astroavos: OK! All touch essence now, all together!
Jorja/Magnolia: We all need to touch the essence.
Rosie/Lucille: Wait -wait - do we trust the bird?
Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.
Rosie/Lucille: OK.
Jorja/Magnolia: He said sorry.
Steven/Noah: You are too trusting.
Jorja/Magnolia: It’s a bird! What nefarious deeds could it be doing?
Olive/Timmit: It’s not a bird - it's a cloud.
Jorja/Magnolia: “That’s even more trusting! That’s not sentient - how could it be evil?” Touch essence. I grab Timmit’s hand and make him touch the essence.
Olive/Timmit: “Don’t - dont - dont - I will,” I reach forward and-
Steven/Noah: Noah would be like ‘come get it!’ but he's literally the shortest person here, so.
Olive/Timmit: I love that you try it anyway.
Jorja/Magnolia: I pick you up.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re all grabbing it?
[chorus of agreement]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. And all of you get the benefits of a long rest. You are all healed up, all your spell slots are back. Your - I believe - the petal band is back with a long rest.
Jorja/Magnolia: And you didn’t wanna touch it!
Tyrone/Astroavos: You play again?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can all actually understand it now, you can hear this childlike voice.
Rosie/Lucille: Not if you’re gonna kill us!
Jorja/Magnolia: Um, maybe not right now cause, uh, we have some things to go do. . .
Steven/Noah: Magnolia looks at empty wrist: ‘We have places to be!’
Olive/Timmit: *imitating Magnolia* ‘This guy was fun, but like, I’m done now.’
Jorja/Magnolia: But maybe like another day - we might come back! I might come back!
Steven/Noah: Lucille, burn the floor!
[laughter]
Jorja/Magnolia: Escape! Escape!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Standing in the courtyard, you can see the thunderdome and the storm around you slowly dissipates as well. And the sun comes out. You can see the essence that you’re all holding is glistening cloudy white. And here is where I would love to freeze time.
[magic sound effect]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And time has stopped for a moment as we have levelled up. We’ve gained enough worldly experiences that we’ve gained new abilities. Who hasn’t started us off before? I think Jorja - I dont think you’ve started us off before.
Jorja/Magnolia: Well - so we just got healed, and then we’re all standing around the orb, and you’re probably all within ten feet of me. And you just sort of notice a glow sort of just - push out from Magnolia in a ten-foot circle around her. Ten-foot radius. And you all just kind of feel a little bit more protected, and warm, and maybe a bit more safe. That’s about it actually. She’s just strong.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it radiating from the necklace?
Jorja/Magnolia: It looks like it’s radiating from the magnolia on her armour, but if she were to take it off, it’s just radiating from her heart.
Various: Aw!
Various: [Retching].
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rosie!
Rosie/Lucille: So - you all don’t really notice anything from Lucille except that she might get a little bit of a - little bit of an extra spark of deviousness in her eye. She gets just a little bit more stealthy and a bit more persuasive. That’s pretty much all she’s got.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah. . . Noah! Hi Noah.
Steven/Noah: Hi.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How are you feeling after that lovely burst of energy?
Steven/Noah: I think while there appears to be glowing coming from this rabbit, Noah is really only gonna notice his spanner, and it’s glowing to him anyway. And it’s real fuckin’ interesting. And he just wants to make more things. He’s like ‘let’s infuse more things’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: New ideas, new inventions have sparked into his mind?
Steven/Noah: Yep. Yep. he wants to get back in Cleary’s workshop and start working.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What sort of things is he thinking about?
Steven/Noah: Everything. Anything and everything.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Olive.
Olive/Timmit: Hello, it me! Little Timmit! Nothing too noticeable from the outside of Timmit’s lovely little rest. He seems a little more - actually no, he does seem a little more stocky, he’s broken a barrier and hit points, which he’s really proud of. But he’s kind of twirling the gavel around in his hand and he can feel his entire body is just a little more limber, a little more. . . swift, if he’s using it in a practical sense, so, yeah. It’ll be interesting to see just how much faster he can get.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, as time clicks back into motion-
[magic sound effect]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This vision enters your brain from the essence - the energy from the essence has- flown into you? Ha. Air essence. The essence of air flies into you and you get this memory or this vision - you’re not really sure - but it’s you leaving Melbourne, getting through the portal, and ending up in Prophis.
Rosie/Lucille: So is this like a hallucination while I’m awake? Like a fever dream while I’m awake type of thing?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it’s sort of like your consciousness was not in your body where you were, but was back in that memory.
Rosie/Lucille: Woah guys! A thing just happened - I just saw a thing, and I was falling, and there was this thing and it was like a building but it was different to a building I’ve seen, and it looks like a different place and I’m confused . . help?
Jorja/Magnolia: Are you going senile?
Rosie/Lucille: No! That’s a medical condition!
Jorja/Magnolia: Oh true- and you don’t get those.
Rosie/Lucille: I don’t get those.
Olive/Timmit: How many of those mushrooms have you been eating?
Rosie/Lucille: I don’t eat mushrooms!
Olive/Timmit: Do you like - avoid mushrooms when you’re cooking, like, a pasta, or. . .?
Rosie/Lucille: Unless I really feel like them.
Olive/Timmit: Right. Right. Right.
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah - but it was purple, and there were things there!
Olive/Timmit: What type of things?
Rosie/Lucille: Like there was a person. But it wasn’t a person. It was a weird little - it was a thing. And then there was like, purple, and then there was a building - but it didn’t look like our buildings, you know? On pangea.
Olive/Timmit: Did it look like buildings that are from here?
Jorja/Magnolia: Have we seen the building in Exanimus? Or do we just know there’s a building there?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve seen a skyscraper in the distance is all you know of Exanimus.
Jorja/Magnolia: Do we know the colour of it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Grey?
Rosie/Lucille: It’s fine though - it’s probably nothing! It’s probably just me thinking. I was just thinking a bit too hard and then I just thought a bit too much and then it came into my brain as a photo that moved.
Jorja/Magnolia: What you’re describing is a memory. Uh-
Olive/Timmit: Or a hallucination!
Rosie/Lucille: That’s a medical condition!
Steven/Noah: Or a stroke!
Jorja/Magnolia: But we all touched the different essences and saw - or remembered - things from when we fell. Well - I know I did. You did.
Olive/Timmit: Yeah.
Steven/Noah: I haven’t.
Jorja/Magnolia: You’re broken.
Steven/Noah: Skittles, do you remember anything like that?
Rosie/Lucille: It was very - there was all these - like - Luigis that’d gone to this - the comma? The con.
Steven/Noah: Comic Con?
Rosie/Lucille: Con-comma?
Jorja/Magnolia: Where he was?
Rosie/Lucille: I don’t know!
Olive/Timmit: Was it like, a bunch of nerds?
Rosie/Lucille: Luigis!
Olive/Timmit: Hm. Yes. Nerds.
Jorja/Magnolia: Like - you saw nerds on the train home before you came - before you got portalled, right? Were they Luigi nerds?
Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.
Jorja/Magnolia: Ok, so she’s had a memory.
Rosie/Lucille: Ahh!
Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t know if she’s ever had one before.
Rosie/Lucille: I remember!
Olive/Timmit: Was it you. . .remembering how you got there?
Rosie/Lucille: Maybe? I don’t recall! Yeah!
Olive/Timmit: Hm.
Jorja/Magnolia: We need to get back. We need to talk to Cleary and the king.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Speaking of which, from each of your earpieces, you hear very loudly - [vocalising a generic ringtone]
Jorja/Magnolia: Damn they got nokias here! What up, bitch!
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Uh - hello?
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Hello!
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Hello?
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* You guys realise you've been on a public channel this entire time?
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* I’m sorry what?
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Oh. . .
Olive/Timmit: *radio* Umm. . .
Steven/Noah: We look pretty stupid right about now.
Jorja/Magnolia: I don't think we’ve ever looked smart in our time here.
Steven/Noah: Valid.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Cleary, did you think I should burn it all down, if you were listening?
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* I don't know what you were looking at, but I don’t think fire is the answer.
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Alright! Interesting take.
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Why did you guys not just use the rubyphone that I gave you? Why are you using the random rubies?
Steven/Noah: *radio* I made it.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Testing new software? Developing our skills?
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* I have so much to teach you, oh boy.
Steven/Noah: *radio* I'm doing my best.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* And he’s doing really good, alright?
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* It sounds like you guys got it?
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Yeah.
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Ah, well - the entire city knows that you have it now as well.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* OK, cool.
Steven/Noah: *radio* Cool, we don’t have to do another public event where we have to speak to them.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Guys we didn’t fuck it up this time!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You hear this-
Tyrone/Random Fairy: *radio* “Yeah, Cheryl and I send our regards, good job!”
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Oh I love you guys, thank you!
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Well come on down here, we can finish up the orrery. You just have Exanimus to go, but you know - the essences are there and then we can put it all together.
Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* OK!
Steven/Noah: OK baby.
Jorja/Magnolia: OK baby whatever you want!
Steven/Noah: *imitating Magnolia* ‘I’ll do whatever you want.’
Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* I uh - I got something for you as well. I went to the shop and I got someone a little - a little something.
Jorja/Magnolia: Ooh! *radio* “Alright we’ll be there soon! Loveyoubye.”
Steven/Noah: *radio* We’ll see you soon!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And chiming in on the very public rubyphones, you‘ll hear the king who’ll be like-
Tyrone/King Oberon: *radio* Good job everyone. I'm excited to hear about what you’ve decided. We’ll see you in the throne room when you get back!
Rosie/Lucille: *radio* Oh - King, we could keep talking if you want. While we’re on our way back we could just have a good old casual chat. We could just - you know, like mates? Friends if you would. Will. Please? I mean. If you want to?
[music fades over Lucille’s rambling]
Theme Song: [rock music plays]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and as a transcriber, so if that sounds like you, please shoot us a DM or an email, and that email is portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on a bunch of social media that you should check out including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @PortalQuandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
Theme Song: [rock music continues]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.
Jorja/Magnolia: Aw, there’s no receptionist!
Steven/Noah: There’s no receptionist.
Olive/Timmit: There’s no cleric!
Jorja/Magnolia: A clerical error!
Steven/Noah: I’m sorry - cloud shirts and cloud pants for the cloud bird. Love it.
Rosie/Lucille: When - when birds don’t have wings they’re just kind of rats, aren’t they?
Jorja/Magnolia: *laughing* That might be my favourite thing you’ve ever said.
Olive/Timmit: I have to agree.
Rosie/Lucille: Well I’ve had an excellent idea, I’ll have you all know - a stroke of genius.
Steven/Noah: I get that at seventh level.
Rosie/Lucille: That’s actually a thing.
Jorja/Magnolia: You get a stroke at seventh level?
Olive/Timmit: Woah, I’ve gotta get to at least ninth!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You pick up the essence and you feel the essence of air inside - inside you.
Jorja/Magnolia: You got gas!
[laughter]
Steven/Noah: Woosh.
Rosie/Lucille: Does the cloud castle go as well, because it’s a cloud, and the sun came out? And clouds go away when the sun comes out?
Jorja/Magnolia: Have you heard of an overcast day?
Rosie/Lucille: Yes.
Jorja/Magnolia: Mmkay. Think on that for a second.
Rosie/Lucille: OK.
Jorja/Magnolia: There we go.
Steven/Noah: Sorry, I was stuck on the ‘sun coming out.’ ‘Aw well done, congratulations! Slay queen!’
Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just like kicking Noah, like ‘say something, she thinks I'm weird!’
Steven/Noah: Are you into rabbits?
Jorja/Magnolia: NO NOT THAT. NOT THAT!
[laughter]