Episode 19: The Essence of Air

The party prepares for their foray into Exanimus with mixed results. The debate over whether to trust the summer court with the orrery continues. Meanwhile, Cleary gets a message from an unexpected source.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and references to alcohol.

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Dungeon Master, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and Transcriber. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

intro_snow4 - levelclearer

sun40 - levelclearer

calm3 - levelclearer

Sun405 - levelclearer

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can find them in the episode description.

Tyrone/Astroavos: Okay! All touch essence now, all together!

Jorja/Magnolia: We all need to touch the essence.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait -wait - do we trust the bird?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: “He said sorry.” Touch essence.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re all grabbing it?

[chorus of agreement]

Tyrone/Astroavos: You play again?

[words echo and fade, overtaken by an ominous chord]

TYRONE/Dungeon Master: When Lucille finds herself in a purple-tinted space,  wind in a gale around her, she wonders if perhaps this is it. She kicked the bucket on the train of all places. Getting tea towels. Surrounded by Luigis, whatever they are. That’s the only explanation for all of this. One minute, she’s waiting patiently to get back to her goats, the next she’s seeing crazy visions of planets and purple and- who will take care of the goats?

Rosie/Lucille: Hold on, excuse me - I must get back to my goats actually, so I won’t be dying just yet thanks!

TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Very reasonably, somebody appears when Lucille calls out, though they don’t get much closer to her. She thinks it’s rather rude, nevermind how they appear to be struggling nearly as much as she is to stay upright in the whirlwind.

Rosie/Lucille: Excuse me? Hello? Oi!

TYRONE/Dungeon Master: The figure finally faces her and - oh, dear. They have some kind of dragon mask and silver armour of all things. Frankly it looks a bit ridiculous. Lucille is quite certain it’s anime.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, are you one of those Luigis going to Comma-con then? What’s going on?”

TYRONE/Dungeon Master: The mouth of the mask opens as if to respond - quite impressive workmanship, really - but then the figure drops out of sight.

Rosie/Lucille: Well that wasn’t very helpful, was it?

TYRONE/Dungeon Master: Like a window being cranked open through the formless lavender fog, a new sight is revealed behind the strange figure, though it doesn’t make things any less confusing for Lucille.  She catches the sight of a skyscraper, but it’s entirely the wrong way, top-down in a large circular building. A stadium? But - no, the architecture is like nothing she’s ever seen, and in place of a ceiling is a shattered glass dome the skyscraper has punched a significant hole through. There are creatures flitting about, descending from the clouds and down into the city surrounding the circular building. But, like the first structure, none of the buildings look right - not enough glass, wood and sandstone, and she can’t place a single paved road traffic light. 

[goat bleats]

Rosie/Lucille: Wait - what was that?

[conch horn]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Standing in the courtyard, you can see the thunderdome and the storm around you slowly dissipates as well. And the sun comes out. You can see the essence that you’re all holding is glistening cloudy white. And here is where I would love to freeze time.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hey there! Welcome back to an episode of Portal Quandary. Say hi everyone - I realise I talk all the time you guys dont talk at the beginning-

Rosie/Lucille: You said to say hi and we didn’t get to say hi.

[laughter]

Rosie/Lucille: Hello.

Jorja/Magnolia:  *imitating Tyrone* ‘Say hi everyone I’m still talking though so don’t!’

Steven/Noah: Find a space, find a space, find a space - there isn’t one!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Hello.

Steven/Noah: Hello.

Olive/Timmit: Hi.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So we’re standing here in the remains of the Avos castle in the sky. The sky has cleared around you. You've got a beautiful sunset piercing in. The bird has left you alone. And the king has just said that he can’t wait to speak to you when you get back about the decision about the orrery that we’ve definitely talked about.

Jorja/Magnolia:  *singsong* Yes we have!

Olive/Timmit: Indeed. 

Steven/Noah: And we’ve definitely reached a consensus?

Rosie/Lucille: Which was?

Jorja/Magnolia:  We talked about it. We have not had an agreement about it.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll put out a reminder that Timmit did have a few things that felt a little bit off if we wanted to explore those things before we went directly to the king and had a conversation with him. But I feel like that’s likely not gonna be how that goes down.

Steven/Noah: And once again, it’s Timmit versus the group. 

Olive/Timmit: Well I mean it doesn't have to be if you guys agree with me-

Jorja/Magnolia:  *imitating Timmit* ‘If you guys bend to MY way-’

Olive/Timmit: What would you like to do about it?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think I’ve made myself very clear as well.

Olive/Timmit: And that is. . . ?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Perhaps we might like a round-table so we all get a chance to speak about what we'd like to do with the orrery?

Olive/Timmit: Yep

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep?

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh. . .shot-not.

Steven/Noah: I’m sorry, you two have the opinions!

Olive/Timmit: Actually I am more curious to start with Noah - what do you think? Before we put our opinions out, what’s your feelings towards it?

Steven/Noah: I mean I‘d like to look at it. And study it.

Olive/Timmit: Mhm.

Steven/Noah: It looks very interesting.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah I do agree.

Steven/Noah: That’s like as far as his thought process would go though. Let’s be honest.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, yeah.

Steven/Noah: I’m just roleplaying.

Olive/Timmit: I like that Noah goes. ‘Oh. I’m just roleplaying’ Well are we discussing the orrery or are we discussing the conversation with the king?

Steven/Noah: Ooh, the conversation with the king! Yeah I’m not sure.

Olive/Timmit: Fair enough.

Steven/Noah: I figured I’d just do whatever Magnolia did.

Olive/Timmit: Well then do you wanna kick us off?

Jorja/Magnolia:  No.

Olive/Timmit: Not very confident in your argument then are you?

Steven/Noah: Kicks Timmit off the cloud. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I wanna let Lucille talk!

Rosie/Lucille: Well my thoughts on the matter are that I would like to get back to my goats pronto, so I’m going to tell the king that I would like to be the first to go through and get to my goats. And that’s my thoughts on the matter. If anybody else wants to come with me they can, but I’m going to be jumping right in there! That's my thoughts on that.

Olive/Timmit: Straightforwardand and right to the point.

Rosie/Lucille: Absolutely!

Olive/Timmit: Lucille trademark.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Is it?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: It depends on how much I know about the conversation at hand.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Mm - Okay, there we go.

Rosie/Lucille: Me being Rosie.

Steven/Noah: So uh, Magnolia, what are we doing?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yes?

Steven/Noah: Have we had a think?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh little Noah. I mean - Timmit has his conversation he wants to have. Lucille wants to go first. I think we're all going. It’s a matter of the fairies going as well, that was the issue with you, right? 

Rosie/Lucille: I don’t mind what the fairies do after I've gone through as long as I go through.

Olive/Timmit: Which concerns me even more.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay - what if it isn't a matter of who goes first, it's a matter of everyone going at once?

Olive/Timmit: We’re all going in at the same time-

Jorja/Magnolia:  Mhm?

Olive/Timmit: I would like for them to explain how they plan to send us to different places - that part I don’t understand.

Steven/Noah: So one orrery - one teleportation - two locations? That’s your question?

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know! There’s something about it that doesn't sit well with me. I mean at the end of  the day, if we all have to go in together for it to work then that’s what we're gonna do - what are we gonna do? Tell the king to say no? We don't want you to come? We want your people to be abandoned here forever? They might deserve it, they might not. They might be some really good people.

Rosie/Lucille: We could just persuade them to let us go first as like, the guinea pigs. 

Olive/Timmit: That’s not a bad idea.

Rosie/Lucille: And then they get to go once they know it’s worked.

Olive/Timmit: It's gonna be harder to convince Cleary of all people of that though. Cause she has a better idea of how it works. And the king as well could be very adamant about wanting to waste any time. He’s already-

Rosie/Lucille: I can handle the king!

Olive/Timmit: Tell you what? I’ll follow your lead, Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay! Well I think we can’t really do much without talking to the king or Cleary about - we can sit here and talk about what we want and what we think, and-

Olive/Timmit: It needs to be an open discussion.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah it needs to be a discussion with - not the four people who don't know how anything here works.

Olive/Timmit: Sure.

Steven/Noah: Learn how things work.

Olive/Timmit: Sorry I had a train of thought and then I lost it.

Steven/Noah: Who do you wanna have a conversation with?

Olive/Timmit: I’m happy for you guys to handle the conversation part. 

Steven/Noah: But it sounds like you want more information before you give the king an answer.

Olive/Timmit: Well, I just wanna know what we’re walking into. Cause we know very little about these people. That’s my only real concern - if we’re bringing these people and allowing them to go somewhere, is it morally a good thing? Do we really know-

Jorja/Magnolia:  I  mean - I spent some time with the people here, but if you’re going to bring up that point, then I would like to point out: have you taken any time to get to know the people here? Other than the ones that can teach you the things you wanna do?

Olive/Timmit: You see Timmit’s face wash over very much, like ‘you are right.’ And there’s a moment, and he processes. It’s not the people of a nation that are at fault. The people behind the curtains, trying to figure out if those curtains are hiding anything that’s . . . unsavoury. 

Rosie/Lucille: Nefarious. Heheheh.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Well, you’re not gonna get the answers from just asking the king, or talking to Cleary about how a machine works, so. . .if you want those answers, you’re gonna have to find them somewhere quick and somewhere else I think.

Rosie/Lucille: Unless - and hear me out here - what about if we tied the king up, and then we intimidated him into telling us the truth? 

Olive/Timmit: I-

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* Lucille, this is your conscience!

Rosie/Lucille: WHAT!

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* I don’t think really you need to be-

Rosie/Lucille: That voice is in my head again!

Steven/Noah: *telepathically* I don't think you really need to be getting into this conversation, don’t you think?

Rosie/Lucille: Guys, that voice was in my head again and it’s a man’s voice. I am very confused here. Do you know how this could happen? I’ve spoken to Cleary and she thinks one of you could be behind this - just saying. Just saying.

Olive/Timmit: I personally love where your head is at, but I don’t think we need to go to that extreme. Keep that in the back pocket though.

Rosie/Lucille: But - but - but there's a MAN in my head!

Jorja/Magnolia:  You can explore that as you please and we will support you through no matter what happens, but for now, we should really get back.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah - I did mention-

Rosie/Lucille: You’re all the worst.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: I want to point out that I did mention last time that I am going to be going in and doing some research and seeing if there’s anything that can be found. That is my current plan. I understand that through a conversation they might be a little more well-guarded on - especially with us around. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Magnolia’s taking what you are saying into account, and is going to try to help you get the information you want.

Olive/Timmit: I’m on board, and I’m placing my trust in you to handle this. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  *groaning* Jorja’s throwing up but Magnolia’s honoured and so strong.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You did ask Lucille as well to get help getting info from the king.

Olive/Timmit: I did, yes. We will have that conversation later, but not right now.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just gonna telepathically talk to these two - sorry, cause I’m your conscience. And then you’ll know it's me - yeah. To these two, and just be like - *telepathically* “If you need me in the room to listen to thoughts while you’re interrogating, I can be.”

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Ooh!

Rosie/Lucille: I mean that would be handy for Lucille to know since she’ll be the one talking to the king.

Steven/Noah: And I’ll be the one listening.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh you’ll be there? Okay cool.

Olive/Timmit: Let’s just go have a conversation and see how it goes to start with and then we can work from there, eh?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: A’ight.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Aye, lassie!

Olive/Timmit: *Scottish accent* Aye! Let’s go talk to the king!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How are we getting back?

Jorja/Magnolia:  I’m on my broom.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m flying.

Olive/Timmit: *singing* Going on a trip in our favourite rocket ship, flying through the sky! Go go go!

Jorja/Magnolia:  *whispering* Fire.

Olive/Timmit: Go Go Go!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Hee-yah!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And we begin the flight back down as the sun slowly sets over the horizon. Aaand. . . no I won’t make anyone roll for it, we can all see it. On our descent down, we know from the way that the landscape goes that Avos borders Novis. You can see far off in the distance where the volcano was - was - as it is now just a mound covered in reeds. And it is growing a significant distance since you were last in Novis, towards the city. It’s coming in from the edge of Avos as well.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s gonna get a nice aerial sketch from above.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Skittles is flying you're like ‘Hmm! Sketching!”

Steven/Noah: Yeah. With my painter’s tools. Which I'm proficient in. It’s a fucking masterpiece.

Jorja/Magnolia:  And they’ve come SO in handy, and integral to our operations!

Steven/Noah: Yeah! Skittles has racing stripes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m very disappointed that nobody tried to skydive.

Olive/Timmit: There’s always time.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I can send my broom to catch me.

Steven/Noah: Fuck that. Although I do have Feather Fall.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where are we landing? Are we gonna land at the foot of the Kingsgrove?

Olive/Timmit: I suppose no better place.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The sun has well and truly set by this point and the bisexual moon is high in the sky. Cleary did invite you to come visit her workshop when you came back. Would you like to go see her?

Jorja/Magnolia:  We do need to ask her questions as well.

Steven/Noah: The king said we could make a decision before going to see him? Should we go to Cleary first? 

Olive/Timmit: To Cleary.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you knock on the door,

[knocking]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And enter, you just hear a-

[wine cork popping]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You hear the cork of a champagne bottle open up. Cleary’s like-

Tyrone/Cleary: Congratulations!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Thanks boss.

Olive/Timmit: Uh - Okay. Cool? I mean we’re not done yet, right?

Tyrone/Cleary: What? Yeah but you got the four. I figured now’s a good time to celebrate. You got as far as Kyros did, did you not?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And she’ll start pouring five bottles of champagne.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh, how delightful!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Bottles?!

Olive/Timmit: How big are these bottles? Are they like pint-sized bottles or are we talking like-

Jorja/Magnolia:  We’re getting a bottle of champers each?

Rosie/Lucille: We’re getting lit!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She starts pouring a glass of champagne each.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Ugghh!

Olive/Timmit: Laaaame!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Kay, guess I’ll sip from a glass like a heathen!

Steven/Noah: As opposed to sculling  from the bottle? Like a civilised person?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah!

Tyrone/Cleary: Just wanted to thank you guys and I thought that I’d get you guys a little gift and some bubbles to - you know, celebrate.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Aww, thank you so much!

Steven/Noah: Is there alcohol in this?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, goody.

Steven/Noah: Can I make a sleight-of-hand to pour it into Magnolia’s cup? Uh, not so Magnolia can’t see it, but so Cleary can’t see it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. Roll a sleight-of-hand, I’ll roll a perception.

[dice rolls]

Steven/Noah:  A dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well I rolled eight, so-

[laughter]

Steven/Noah: Well I still feel pretty proud of myself. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you sneakily pour it into Magnolia’s glass. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  She’s - she’s like hiding it.

Tyrone/Cleary: So would you guys like your gifts now?

Various: Yes?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah? I hand-picked it from the market for you!

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh!

Olive/Timmit: Oh, please!

Steven/Noah: I love the appreciation from Timmit being like ‘ooh, gift!’ and Lucille’s just like ‘yes. Gift. Give it. I deserve it.’

Olive/Timmit: *imitating Lucille* ‘Gimme!’

Tyrone/Cleary: Magnolia, I’ll give you yours first. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay!

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And she just hands you a rock.

Jorja/Magnolia:  “Did you make this?” I look at Noah.

Steven/Noah: Hmmm. . . no I don't think that’s one of mine.

Jorja/Magnolia:  It’s just a rock?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And she’s gonna pull out her own rock, and she's gonna speak into it.

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Hello? Hello?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Whoah! *radio* Hello? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can hear it come through the other rock.

Jorja/Magnolia:  That’s so cool! 

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, so I thought that maybe after you go home, that maybe you wanna keep in touch and talk about all of the experiments that you've been doing. So, I got you a rock that can talk across dimensions!

Jorja/Magnolia:  We can talk across dimensions with this??

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah!

Jorja/Magnolia:  That’s so sweet, thank you so much!

Tyrone/Cleary: Anytime!

Steven/Noah: Noah was almost about to pop up and be like ‘um, I’m sorry, I fashioned headsets? Ours look amazing?’ and then she was like ‘interdimensional’ and he was like ‘nevermind.’

Olive/Timmit: Timmit’s just gonna be there and just kinda of look up and just nudge a little, and just be like *whispering* “she’s so into you, what the fuck! Damn!”

Jorja/Magnolia:  *whispering* I’m fuckin’ in, bro!

Tyrone/Cleary: Anyway. . .uh, Noah, I know how much you love tools and borrowing all of my tools, so I got you something so you don’t have to borrow my tools anymore.

Steven/Noah: Where’s the fun in that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s gonna hand you essentially a swiss-army-knife. It’s called an all-purpose tool. A simple screwdriver that can essentially transform into any artisan's tool of your choice. It is magical, so it does-

Steven/Noah: Fuck,

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I imagine it to be like one of those pens that got those four different colours and you can slide up and between them.

Steven/Noah: I’m just picturing the screwdriver from Doctor Who.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah, same.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course. Well-

Steven/Noah: *bad attempt at a sonic screwdriver noise*. Sorry.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ta-da! 

Steven/Noah: Thank you!

Jorja/Magnolia:  No one saw, but Magnolia kicked Noah. Being like ‘Say something!’

Steven/Noah: “Thank you Cleary!” And he’s gonna run off and start playing around with Skittles.

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay. Sure - um,

Jorja/Magnolia:  He loves it!

Tyrone/Cleary: I can see that he does. That’s just. His way of showing it. Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh!

Tyrone/Cleary: Can I see your mirror for a second?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah? Are you gonna give it back though? Cause my goats are in the mirror.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, yeah. Your goats will be even more in the mirror in a minute, they’ll be out of the mirror.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh okay! You can have the mirror. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s just gonna pull out a little crystal, and gonna pull out a screwdriver and essentially attach it to the top of the mirror.

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay, you should try to use the mirror now! Give it a go!

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh. Okay! Oh no, I need to think of a secret.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There is the other option.

Rosie/Lucille: What's the other option again?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sacrificing something to it.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I need to do the arcana thing first, don’t I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Only if you do the secret. If you do the sacrifice-

Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna do the secret.

[die rolls]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’d you roll?

Rosie/Lucille: I rolled a seventeen. I don’t know what my plus-thingy is, but it’s over twelve, so.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. So, what’s the secret?

Rosie/Lucille: My secret is. . . “When I was younger - I won’t say how old, probably um, about thirty though - I used to have this friend. And I thought that it was - anyway, I thought it was a friend and we would talk for hours and hours on end, and realistically I knew that it was a voice in my head, but at the time I was so lonely after my husband - parted his ways with me and the goats, that I indulged it. And I kept indulging it, and then one day, I woke up and I didn’t hear the voice anymore. And I mourned for about a year and it really set me back. Anyway, that’s a secret that I um. . . never thought I’d share but here we are. I listened to a voice in my head for years. There we go. Haha!”

Tyrone/Cleary: Your husband left quite early! I didn’t realise.

Rosie/Lucille: Uh. . .yes. I guess that’s also a secret - it was after about a year.

Steven/Noah: Why do you have an issue with me in your head? You mourned for a year.

Rosie/Lucille: Cause this is - this is a different voice, it’s confusing. And this one is like, telling me to do things.

[laughing]

Steven/Noah: Tell you NOT to do things.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, yeah the other one encouraged me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, so the secret has been told, and the mirror is swirling. Where are you thinking about? Which ten-square foot area are you thinking about?

Rosie/Lucille: I’m thinking of the ten-foot area that is the creek that has a little bit of paddock in it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And what goats are there?

Rosie/Lucille: Could be any of the hundred and twenty-three goats. Could be like Sparkles, could be Pepper, or Salt - oh they're always together, so if Pepper’s there, Salt will be there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you know what? Cleary’s workshop comes alive as you see a hologram. It is clearly a hologram, but a hologram nonetheless as Salt, and Pepper, and Sparkles are in Cleary’s workshop.

Rosie/Lucille: “Oh my golly gosh it’s Salt and Pepper and Sparkles!” I’m gonna run toward them and try to pat them. What happens?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone sees them as well. Your hand does go through it.

Rosie/Lucille: Mmkay. Very sad.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit was legitimately distracted with himself just having taken on that secret and being like ‘woof.’ Look up, and just freeze. And he's just - he’s just frozen. He’s trying not to react in this moment. And he’s just. . .quiet. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s like– “Everyone, meet my goats! These are some of my favourite - I’d say top hundred and twenty-three for sure! This is Sparkles, and Salt, and Pepper.” And I'm just gonna sit there and stare at them and keep trying to pat them but it’s not gonna work.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I’m gonna go sit over next to Pepper.

Rosie/Lucille: Pepper’s black.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Ooh! I say “Hello Pepper!”

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille whispers “Hello Magnolia, I’m Pepper!”

Jorja/Magnolia:  This is going too far.

[laughter]

Jorja/Magnolia:  *singsong* Now I’m scared!

Rosie/Lucille: That’s all Lucille’s about. Just going over that line, just that bit too far.

Tyrone/Cleary: Timmit, I didn’t forget you of course.

Olive/Timmit: Oh!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s gonna pull out a sword. Pull out this shortsword and it’s got the emblem of a dragon growling coming out of it. There’s dragon teeth set into the hilt.

Tyrone/Cleary: I got you a cool sword! Something to protect yourself with cause you know, you're a little bit scrawny.

Olive/Timmit: Um-

Jorja/Magnolia:  Hah! Sorry.

Olive/Timmit: Uncalled for. Just cause you’re six foot and - you’re covered in fur, alright? I don't see how this is a win on you. But Cleary - thank you! So much! So. . .lovely.

Tyrone/Cleary: Anytime. Does some pretty sick stuff too. Yeah, so this one’s for a red dragon, so occasionally when you hit it right - just right - it can essentially let out a little explosion of fire. 

Olive/Timmit: That’s so cooool.

Tyrone/Cleary: I know you’re all about your fire and stuff with your hair and whatnot.

Olive/Timmit: Ooh, I do like a little bit of fire. It’s a bit of fun. Thank you Cleary!

Tyrone/Cleary: Anytime! You guys like you presents?

Jorja/Magnolia:  I love it, thank you so much! 

Tyrone/Cleary: Anytiiime!

Rosie/Lucille: Very cool.

Tyrone/Cleary: I hope you’re enjoying the bubbles as well.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Hell yeah brother!

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s forgotten about the bubbles, she's just - she’s so. . . watching the goats.

Jorja/Magnolia:  It’s Okay, Magnolia drank it.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! Nice.

[laughter]

Tyrone/Cleary: So, you guys are maybe gonna stick around for a bit, you know, head to bed and then we can talk about Exanimus tomorrow. We don't have to talk about it right now. Unless you wanna.

Steven/Noah: Telepathically, did we wanna?

Jorja/Magnolia:  I think like we had some questions? But Olive - not Timmit - Olive is distracted.

Olive/Timmit: What’s happening?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Do we have questions about Exanimus?

Olive/Timmit: Oh shit! No, I said you were gonna take the lead on this.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I look at you and say “Do we wanna discuss it now or tomorrow after a sleep?

Olive/Timmit: I mean I‘m feeling really well-rested, aren’t you?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Didn't you almost get ripped apart by birds?

Olive/Timmit: You see Timmit’s eye literally twitch, just for a moment-

Jorja/Magnolia:  Sorry. Touchy subject. Wont bring it up again.We have a few questions?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah? Go on?

Jorja/Magnolia:  It’s mostly about like - I mean I have some about Exanimus, I don’t know about others. But the way we get teleported - could you describe it to us a bit more now that we sort of have a bit more of an understanding of this world and how things work?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, so - how it works? Is that what you. . ?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah!

Tyrone/Cleary: So we input the coordinates into it, and then it opens up a portal there. And if it’s stable enough - unlike the last time - it’ll stay open.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay. And so if we’re going to different places-

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, so . . . oh yeah. The king asked. Right. Well, I guess what you can do, is we can - you can stand there, and we can input the coordinates to our place. Everyone goes in. Then you close it. Then you input the coordinates to your place, and you go in and you take the orrery with you, cause it’s your orrery so you get to keep it.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Mhmm.

Olive/Timmit: Would you show us how these coordinates work?

Tyrone/Cleary: Uh. . .yeah? 

Olive/Timmit: Well it’s planar travel. It’s not like it is on pangea. We can’t just put in the longitude and latitude. This is across different planes of existence, right?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, alright. Do you have the essence? You haven't given me the essence yet, I forgot about that.  I can show you on the orrery.

Olive/Timmit: Who has it?

Steven/Noah: Oh I would’ve given it to Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia:  It’s in my bag right here, I knew the whole time.

Steven/Noah: If Noah found anything that’s relevant, he’d be like ‘Magnolia.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s gonna pull out the mechanical device with three little marbles inset into it already. She’s going to input the final spot right there with the essence of air. You can sort of see it react to the energy and it’s gonna start slowly spinning around like a planetary model.

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay, and then we twist this little dial here - for the x-axis. We twist this dial here for the y-axis. We twist this dial here for the z-axis. And then we twist this dial here for  the time-axis.

Olive/Timmit: Hmm. Take a mental note of that.

Jorja/Magnolia:  And so do you know the correct coordinates for us?

Tyrone/Cleary: Ah. So - like - no, but I know how to get it.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay?

Tyrone/Cleary: You can actually get it with this little thing that Lucille’s got right here. You can - the place that you’re seeing right now - we can get the data from that mirror right there.

Rosie/Lucille: Can we all go to my farm?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Fuck we gotta go to the farm?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes!

Tyrone/Cleary: You don't have to go to the farm, you can go to wherever you’re thinking about with the mirror!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh, true.

Olive/Timmit: We - we could choose a more central location that benefits all of us.

Rosie/Lucille: But I’m always thinking about the farm!

Steven/Noah: Do you even have uber out there? How are we gonna get home?

Rosie/Lucille: Uber-fun that’s all I know!

Jorja/Magnolia:  We’re gonna rock up at Lucille's farm and she’s gonna be like ‘you’re not going home - this is your home now!’

Steven/Noah: *imitating Lucille* ‘You are my goats!’

Rosie/Lucille: That’s so messed up! “I mean I guess I could maybe think of somewhere else if you all really wanted to not meet my goats.”

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Rosie/Lucille: But I will take it personally.

Steven/Noah: Good.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: The farm sounds like it would be a nice place to visit.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah! 

Jorja/Magnolia:  After we drop off our luggage, when we get home.

Steven/Noah: Any brownie points that you have earned have just been lost.

Tyrone/Cleary: Did you guys have more questions?

Jorja/Magnolia:  I think we’re good for now, thank you so much for answering the question.

Tyrone/Cleary: That’s alright!

Rosie/Lucille: And thank you for my present.

Tyrone/Cleary: Anytime, yeah I thought I’d handpick it this time. Now that I'm starting to get to know you a little better.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah it’s been fun hasn’t it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Now I’m picturing Jorja in bed with the stone like ‘Hi Clearly, how you doing?’ 

Steven/Noah:  *imitating Magnolia* ‘So what are you wearing?’ 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Full plate armour? Wow, me too!

[laughter]

Tyrone/Cleary: Anything else we’d like to talk about before bedtime?

Olive/Timmit: Lucille? Would you like to hug your goat?

Rosie/Lucille: Would I like to hug my goat?

Olive/Timmit: Mhm.

Rosie/Lucille: But I can't.

Olive/Timmit: It might hurt a little bit.

Rosie/Lucille: What do you mean?

Olive/Timmit: I’ll take the gavel, slip it out, flip it over, and just look at it for a moment, wave my hand over it and it’ll disappear. And this purple sparkly sort of - mist starts to swirl up and around your hair and lift it up a little bit, and then you blink and it’s gone. And you see a fourth goat in front of you as I cast Phantasmal Force. If you want, you can make an intelligence saving throw to determine that it isn't real. But you can choose to ignore that. 

Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna ignore that. 

Olive/Timmit: And the goat will just come up, sit in front of you, look up. It’s Sparky.

Rosie/Lucille: Sparky! Oh my golly gosh how are you?

[Timmit bleats like a goat]

[more convincing goat bleat sound effect]

Rosie/Lucille: I give it a little hug - does it feel like a goat?

Olive/Timmit: It’s going to - as you go to reach it - it will jump up at you and just fall into your arms.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah!

Olive/Timmit: But it will cause damage.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah!

Olive/Timmit: Otherwise you won’t feel it.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s so cute, oh my god!

[die rolls]

Olive/Timmit: Just four points of psychic damage.

Rosie/Lucille: It’s so worth it!

Jorja/Magnolia:  I’m standing behind her with my hand on her just healing her as it happens.

Rosie/Lucille: Thank you Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Welcome.

Rosie/Lucille: “This is literally the best day that I’ve had in so long. I have a goat hugging me? Thank you.” Lucille’s just gonna keep jugging the goat. She’s very happy. How long does it last?

Olive/Timmit: A minute.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay. It’s a minute of squeezing.

Tyrone/Cleary: You guys ready for bed?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yessir!

Olive/Timmit: Yes. Thank you Cleary. Thank you for our presents as well.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Thank you so much!

Tyrone/Cleary: That’s alright. You can come hang out again tomorrow, it’s alright. Come hang out and we can talk about Exanimus. Do you want me to hold onto your stuff while you’re there?

Rosie/Lucille: Hmm, no.

Tyrone/Cleary: Like. there's a lot of magic things you're holding onto that just aren't gonna work, so.

Olive/Timmit: Can I please make an insight check?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

[die rolls]

Olive/Timmit: Seventeen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s just like - just offering. You can definitely take it. But. She’s been a friend. 

Olive/Timmit: Cool.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s gonna take all her things with her because she feels like she’s leaving her goats behind if she doesn't.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fair.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Magnolia might leave the bag of holding because that seems like a bad idea. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I want you to get to Exanimus and the hundreds of gems just fall to the floor.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Introduce Glamos into it cause there’s aetherbloom in there as well.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oof.

Tyrone/Cleary: Just the bag of holding?

Jorja/Magnolia:  How far is the walk from here to where magic doesn't work anymore?

Tyrone/Cleary: Depends if you guys wanna walk as well. You probably don't have to go through Neptis to get there, you could probably just fly over it if you want.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah how long does that take?

Tyrone/Cleary: Probably half a day?

Jorja/Magnolia:  How far from the - do you know where the magic stops?

Tyrone/Cleary: It's a hard border yeah. It’s like everywhere here - the border.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Will we - will we know where the magic stops?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia:  How can we tell?

Tyrone/Cleary: Because you won’t be in the forest of Neptis anymore, you'll be in the metal land. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh okay, okay. Cool. It’s just I don’t wanna be flying on a broom of flying, and then not be flying on a broom of not-flying.

Olive/Timmit: Well when we see the tower we should approach it from foot.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah that’s why I asked if there was a way to tell, cause I didn't wanna just fall out of the sky, you know?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. Might put in the pearl of power, cause it won’t do anything for me. And the petal band as well. Might as well.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re just gonna chuck it all in the bag of holding that's staying behind?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah I'll chuck em both in the bag of holding, cause they won’t work, they’re magical items, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, you leaving anything behind?

Steven/Noah:  I still need the sword. I still need the shield.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can keep your screwdriver, it'll just stay as whatever you had it as last because it can’t swap.

Steven/Noah:  Um - no I don’t think I need to leave anything. Cleary.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah?

Steven/Noah:  Will you please look after Beeyonce?

Tyrone/Cleary: I’ll protect her with my life.

Steven/Noah:  *to the tune of Single Ladies* Woah-oh-oh. Sorry.

Tyrone/Cleary: She’s gonna get so much done in the workshop.

Steven/Noah:  Beeyonce do as you're told.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bedtime.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Bedtime!

Olive/Timmit: So we’ve just had a full long rest, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. You just had a rest. Unless you wanna go through the night.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I suppose on the way to our quarters - living arrangements, or whatever it is that we call it. “Magnolia.”

Jorja/Magnolia:  Ayo.

Olive/Timmit: I wanna go down to the library for a little bit, do you-

Jorja/Magnolia:  Can I come?

Olive/Timmit: You wanna come with?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Cool. Let’s go.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay, okay, okay.

Olive/Timmit: Actually, sorry I’ll just meet you down there, one second.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Fuckin weird, alright. Invite you somewhere and then don’t go.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: Just stand you up.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah, alright I’ll go fuck myself then. “Yeah I’ll meet you there.”

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* I have a very important mission for you!

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* What is it?

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Do you wanna go see what the king’s up to?

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Like right now? In his bed chambers?

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Alright.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Just keep an eye on him.

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Yeah I’ll keep an eye on him, yeah.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Yeah! You okay about that?

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Yeah! Yeah I’ll watch the king. I could probably do that on my little mirror hey.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Oh yeah!

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* I could just swap between that and my goats.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* True. That’s a lotta secrets.

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Oh gosh. I’ve got a few. No alright, yeah no I’ll get the king up right now, shall I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you guys in Cleary’s workshop still?

Olive/Timmit: No we're walking back to-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, I was like - you’re just in the workshop, you just pull up the king on the fuckin’ mirror. 

Rosie/Lucille: While we’re walking I’m just gonna pull up the king and look at him.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* AH - don’t -don’t do it out here!

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Why?

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Cause people will be looking!

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Ooh!

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* It'll be weird!

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Oh yeah people might be a bit weirded out if the king just - pops up.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Yeah. That’s what they’ll be weirded out by.

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Alright. I’ll wait.

Olive/Timmit: Noah, are you staying behind in Cleary's workshop?

Steven/Noah:  No, I wasn’t planning on staying in here.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, you’re welcome to come to the library with us if you like. Or you can stay with Lucille.

Steven/Noah:  Library. . . do they have picture books in the library?

Olive/Timmit: Did they? When I was there last?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Library’s for everyone. It’s for children, it’s for archivists - it’s for everyone.

Steven/Noah:  How dare you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You said a picture book!

Steven/Noah:  I said ‘pictures in books.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No you didn’t.

Steven/Noah:  Whatever. Can I ask Cleary if -

Olive/Timmit: I’ll just say “Yeah there’s picture books!”

Steven/Noah:  No, not picture books.

Olive/Timmit: Pictures of books.

Steven/Noah:  I can read your mind, I know you’re being an asshole. So I’m gonna go ask Cleary if there are any pictures, paintings, uh - artistic representations of Exanimus. Because basically - yeah, I wanna know what it looks like.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah. That’s a whole department, Noah! It’s research and development. So there’s me, the archivist, there’s the cartographers, there’s the scouts. We go out and we - you know, we record everything.

Steven/Noah:  And they’re in the library?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah. Public access, free domain.

Steven/Noah:  “Sweet!” He’s just gonna turn and run.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Library trip! Woo!

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Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who’s doing what in the library?

Steven/Noah:  I’m looking at picture books.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Noah’s in the kid’s section on one of those bean bags.

Steven/Noah:  The bean bag is twice his size.

Olive/Timmit: That'd be great!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, you find a section titled Exanimus under ‘E’ - ‘EX.’ Woah, crazy. What are we looking for in particular? You just wanna see what it looks like?

Steven/Noah:  Yeah, I just want like, a lay of the land. You know - what does the landscape look like?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The books - they don’t, they talk about the fact that we don't - like, the fairies don’t really go in there cause it’s shit for them. They feel shit in Exanimus.

Steven/Noah:  This bodes well.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But there are some sketches of essentially - it kind of looks like the Kingsgrove but it’s metallic, it’s inorganic. It’s got sharp edges and ridges of this enormous tree in the middle is one interpretation of it.

Olive/Timmit: Is the tree metallic as well, or is it natural?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Metallic.

Steven/Noah:  Which is naturally metallic.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: All these various interpretations of Exanimus that they’ve seen over the years, they all have this giant metal object at the core of it. And - roll a history check to see if you can find the rest.

Steven/Noah:  In looking at how tools work, having proficiency in painter’s tools, I’m proficient when it comes to insight checks based on paintings.

Olive/Timmit: ‘Your expertise aids you in uncovering the lore of any sort that is attached to a work of art, such as the magic properties of a painting or the origins of a strange mural found in a dungeon.’

Steven/Noah:  Or the scribblings of a fairy that stumbled into Exanimus.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Actually, no, yeah you can roll it with that bonus. I’ve got an idea.

Steven/Noah:  Yes! And cause I’m an expert I get plus-lots.

[die rolls]

Steven/Noah:  Twenty-three.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ll notice in lots and lots of these pictures of the various tall metallic buildings - or structures - that there seems to be - like a vortex situation. Like all this energy is coming to this spire at the top. It’s being drawn in from the landscape around it. Does that make sense?

Steven/Noah:  Hot.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. That’s what you get with a twenty-three.

Steven/Noah:  I think I got what I wanted.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You happy with that?

Steven/Noah:  Sí.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, what are you looking for?

Olive/Timmit: Ok, so soon as I rock up, I’ll - “Magnolia.”

Jorja/Magnolia:  .Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: I’m gonna need a bit of help.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay.

Olive/Timmit: Okay? But um, we’re gonna need more than just the two of us.

Jorja/Magnolia:  “You need more than this?” And she starts flexing.

Olive/Timmit: I can’t tell if that's strong or if it would just be gamey.

[uncomfortable silence]

Olive/Timmit:  I cast unseen servant!

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: And bring about the best cleric there is - Margaret!

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh hi doll, what’s going on?

Olive/Timmit: Hi lovely! I just need some help looking through these archives here.

Tyrone/Margaret: Yeah, what are we looking for?

Olive/Timmit: Anything out of place.

Tyrone/Margaret: Outta place how?

Jorja/Magnolia:  *laughing* I’m so sorry!

Olive/Timmit: You and I are gonna be looking for the exact same thing, so just follow my lead okay?

Tyrone/Margaret: Okay!

Olive/Timmit: Mmkay.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Margaret’s drunk as fuck.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: She’s always, always the first in line at eleven AM mimosa Fridays

Jorja/Magnolia:  I’m second.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit’s had the bubbles so she’s had the bubbles.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Magnolia also drank Timmit’s drink.

Tyrone/Margaret: Uh, so do I - what are we lookin’ for?

Olive/Timmit: Just anything that seems out of sorts, any books that shouldn’t be where they are, any. . .sort of. . . um,” I’m just gonna look over, as I’m saying this kind of - almost out loud, look over at Magnolia. ”Just anything that doesn't feel right. If there’s a certain book in a certain area that feels out of place, if there's anything wrong with the lining of the walls. If you . . . just look through. Just keep an eye out.”

Jorja/Magnolia:  Aye-aye, Cap’n!

Olive/Timmit: And the last thing I’ll do is I’ll scoop up a book and I’ll flip through a couple of pages. I’ll roll it over in my hands, and I’ll place both my hands on back and front cover, close my eyes, and go “Frederick. Assist me.”

[magical chimes]

Olive/Timmit: I open my eyes and the book will have two little arms and legs that’ll sprout. It’ll hop out of my hands and do a little tumble on the table and swivel around and look up at me. Its pages will just go [vocalising random noises].

Jorja/Magnolia:  Magnolia just looks at it. “You’re okay with this, but not animals?”

Olive/Timmit: The book?

Jorja/Magnolia:  It’s a fuckin’ freak - look at it!

Olive/Timmit: Yeah but it’s completely under my control.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh, that’s how you like it, I see.

Olive/Timmit: Frederick, buddy! Come help us! Go find some odd books. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Frederick just blank-stare looks at you and. . . gestures at himself? 

Olive/Timmit: You're doing so good! Now go find some more!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Seeing you do that, I’m gonna think, ‘yeah we- we probably need a little bit more help, right?’

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Can always take a little more help.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay, I’m going to cast find steed. I’m gonna create a mastiff! So I’m gonna get a puppy! ‘It’s a spirit that assumes the form of an unusually intelligent, strong and loyal steed.’ Ooh ooh ooh! Okay. ‘It’s celestial, fate or fiend, this steed serves as a mount.’ *Laughing* I’m gonna ride a dog around the library! I’m not gonna ride it around, I’m gonna send it off and do shit.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit will be dead before he’s caught on the back of a mastiff.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah we can communicate telepathically, but within one mile of each other. So seeing you do your book weird shit, Magnolia’s gonna go, “Yeah, well . . .watch this,” and she’s gonna - reminiscent of how she was trying to pat Lucille’s goat earlier - she’s gonna start patting the air and from her hand the form sort of trickles down. And then slowly a little puppy - not a little puppy, but a dog appears under her hand and she’s scratching it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A big woofer.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah a big boofer! She says “this is Toby!”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Woof!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Good boy!

Tyrone/Toby Toby, at your service!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Is that what he says in my head?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh, this dog’s fuckin’ sick!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s loyal.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah he is!

Tyrone/Toby: What I can do for you Magnolia?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh Toby! We’re just looking for shit that’s out of place, so you can just wander around. If you see anything that looks like it shouldn’t be there, or if there’s people that you see that you think shouldn’t be here? Other than me, this is Timmit, there’s an invisible lady called Margaret. I don’t know if you can see invisible stuff. And this book thing. Oh, and there’s also Lucille and Noah, but I don’t know if they’ll be moving in at any point.

Olive/Timmit: And they’ll probably also be, you know, if Skittles is also here.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah true, Skittles is fine. Anyone other than everyone that’s in this room right now. Thank You Toby!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I like how we put fifteen minutes prep into searching the library.

Olive/Timmit: Hey! It’s - it’s a big task, it’s probably a very big library!

Jorja/Magnolia:  We’re going to a place with no magic, alright? I need to get this spell out before I forget about it.

Olive/Timmit: I would like to search this library primarily for any form of secret hidden traps, any additional kind of hidden room, levers, anything that is out of place that might lead to.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me an investigation at advantage please. Cause you’ve got Frederick and Margaret.

Olive/Timmit: Woo! Can I please borrow another die?

[dice rolls.]

Olive/Timmit: Oh well thank god for that. That’s one, and that’s a twenty-five.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Holy shit! Like I don’t want to give you NOTHING, with a twenty-three-

Olive/Timmit: Twenty-five.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty-five, but I think - with a twenty-five, you at least know for certain that there are no traps in the library. I want to give you something extra. . . some other piece of information. Just trying to think what you would find. Cause it’s a library and there's a lot of information. You know - okay, you find one of Kyros’s journals. Cause he’s got quite a few there and they’re all in the public domain for people to read. You find one that was a little bit more hidden away than the others. It was. . . first of all you found that there was a gap in the books. You were like ‘what’s that about’ and eventually you found the book that fits in the gap, hidden away, tucked in a corner. And essentially what it entails is - if you remember back when you read the quiet year in the library last time, there was two fairies - Jorja and Rosie. It details how after many, many, many years of trying to get information out of them, and they didn’t crack on how to get home or what their motivations were, they were sentenced to go into Exanimus.

Olive/Timmit: Is there a date for that day when they were sentenced?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like, a good five hundred years ago.

Olive/Timmit: Righto, yeah, they’re dead. “Anything on your end?”

Jorja/Magnolia:  That’s so interesting that you should ask this. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an investigation.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Toby’s just gonna wander around. You know, giving the vibe of an old crypt-keeper holding an oil lantern, just like ‘Who’s there?’

Rosie/Lucille: Is he like the Harry Potter dude?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m picturing him like a bloodhound, he’s got his fuckin’ snoot to the ground and he’s like [loud sniffing].

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah! But he’s gonna be mostly listening and smelling, trying to perceive more than investigate cause he doesn’t have opposable thumbs. I’m going to do similar - scan the area for things out of place. Maybe things move, just things that don’t look right, but also I wanna find the ‘history of our city’ section.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me investigation.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Can I roll perception for Toby? Separately?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Toby: Toby at your service.

[die rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia:  Aw, I don't see shit man. I got four. Toby gets advantage.

[dice rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia:  Toby got a twenty-two.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus christ!

Jorja/Magnolia:  [hooting]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, I’m afraid that your search for the history of the city has yielded pretty much the same results - Kyros’s old journals that you’ve already found before. Toby, however, will telepathically-

Tyrone/Toby: Awoof! There's someone runnin’ down the stairs.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Describe who they look like while I make my way to you.

Tyrone/Toby: She’s got a big wrench, she’s got red hair, got some furs. She’s runnin’ real fast. She looks like she’s got something in her hand.

Jorja/Magnolia:  That’s Cleary right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Ok - “Stay on her! I’m following!”

Tyrone/Toby: Toby on the case!

Olive/Timmit: What a good boy!

Jorja/Magnolia:  This is the best decision I've ever made. I’m gonna try to catch up with Toby and figure out where the hell my girl’s going.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s running down towards you guys.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh shit! *Laughing* Fuck!

Olive/Timmit: Oh, okay.

Steven/Noah: It made it sound like she was running away.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah! Like did she just steal a bunch of shit and bolt? Oh my god. In that case, “Uh, Cleary’s comin’.”

Olive/Timmit: I’ll just tuck away the journal of Kyros’s in my back pocket.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I'm gonna pick up the first book I find.

Tyrone/Cleary: Guys guys guys you guys guys you guys! *panting* Guys. Guys. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah? Hello.

Tyrone/Cleary: Guys-

Olive/Timmit: Hi Cleary.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s holding something - she’s waving this note in her hand.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I just . . take it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This note is attached to a little toy car.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Toy car?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A little remote-controlled car.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Huh. . . Toby appears somehow holding a cup of water.

Tyrone/Toby: Awoof! For your friend.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Here you go Cleary, take a drink.

Tyrone/Cleary: Thank you. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you read the note?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Dearest Cleary, I’ve been captured by the Winter Court. But I’ve been freed by a turncoat. Though I cannot return - the orrery is very broken. All I can do is manage enough energy to push this tiny car through. Here are the coordinates of my location. I cannot come back until I’ve brought down the glamour. Please start preparing your own way to get here. The glamour will be down by the time you come.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Uh. . . what’s a glamour? Is that different to Glamos?

Tyrone/Cleary: The - the glamour, that’s what we call the thing that the Winter Court put over Atrius so that we can’t use magic.

Olive/Timmit: This toy car, does it look like it’s from our world?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. You know what, on the side it’s got a little brand. I’m not gonna say a brand, I don't wanna get demonetised, not that I am monetised.

Jorja/Magnolia:  It says ‘Made in China!’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah - ‘Made in China’, it says on the bottom.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Quick, rub it out, put in ‘Pangea!’

Jorja/Magnolia:  Fuck, fuck!

[laughter]

Steven/Noah: I can use my painter’s tools!

[more laughter]

Steven/Noah: I’m kidding, I'm not paying attention to anything that you guys are doing.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay, did the note say who it was from?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘From, Kyros - Head of Research’

Jorja/Magnolia:  Fuckin’ pretentious. So Kyros is now with the fairies that banished you here?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah! That’s why he didn’t come home, don’t you see? He got - he got jailed! He got dungeoned!

Steven/Noah: He got got.

Tyrone/Cleary: He got got!

Jorja/Magnolia:  And so he’s going to take down the anti-magic field that they have on their place for you to come there?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, so that we can bring the portal and open it up long enough for everyone to come through!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh - for everyone here to go through back home?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Oh! Okay. 

Tyrone/Cleary: That wasn’t the plan at all - he was just gonna test the thing and then we were gonna figure out how to do that later. I guess cause he can’t come home that’s all he can do.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Now I don’t know this man. Can I insight-check the note?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure?

Jorja/Magnolia:  C’mon, twenty.

[die rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia:  Fuck. Twelve. Fourteen total.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It matches the handwriting of the journals that you’ve been reading. So it was written by Kyros, assumedly.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Interesting. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There doesn't seem to be any hidden messages in it.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay. “What does this mean for you guys?”

Tyrone/Cleary: We gotta go find some essences if you guys won't let us use your orrery. We gotta go real quick.

Jorja/Magnolia:  True. Mmm. 

Rosie/Lucille: Can it be used to go there and to my farm? Like both? Like twice?

Tyrone/Cleary: What?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Lucille’s asking if we can use the orrery to go to home location-

Steven/Noah: Pangea.

Jorja/Magnolia:  No - THEIR home location.

Steven/Noah: Oh, right. I think go there first.

Jorja/Magnolia:  -after the anti-magic is down, AND also to Pangea. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah. That’s what we were talking about just before. We open a portal to Atrius, you close it up, then you use the portal to go to Pangea.

Rosie/Lucille: But what if it’s like a one-time use type of situation? Cause like - Kyros’s broke.

Tyrone/Cleary: That’s - that’s what I was saying we need to go to Exanimus for. Because I think that his broke because it didn’t have the anti-magic essence. That wasn’t part of the original prototype.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. So clear something up for me: he was captured by the Winter Court at - where?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Their home world.

Tyrone/Cleary: Atrius. 

Olive/Timmit: And then he escaped. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Yes, some turncoat he talked about.

Olive/Timmit: And now he’s in Pangea?

Jorja/Magnolia:  No, no, no. Still in Atrius.

Olive/Timmit: So how did that car get here?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Is this something from your home?

Tyrone/Cleary: No. Don’t know what that is.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Noted. Well - I mean, we saw things when we got teleported here. What if he saw this?

Olive/Timmit: Where would he have gotten it from?

Rosie/Lucille: He just grabbed it. He was just like ‘mine.’

Olive/Timmit: But if he went to - [noise of uncertainty]. ‘Kay. So what’s the plan?

Tyrone/Cleary: I gotta go - gotta go find the king. Gotta find the king now. Do you guys want to - do you need to come? I’m going,  I’m-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s gonna run off.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh man I still - in that time when they were all searching the library, was I looking at the king? That’s what I was gonna do.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah! We can do that now if you’d like. We can do a little flashback.

Rosie/Lucille: Uh - yes, so before Cleary comes I’m gonna have been looking at where the king is, and what he’s up to.

[die rolls]

Rosie/Lucille: I just rolled a seventeen and I’m gonna tell a secret. “Once, I was - well not once, for a little while when I was wearing my wedding ring, it didn’t fit my fingers anymore, so I started using it as a toe ring. And then I lost it in the farm, so whenever I'm out there with my goats I’m always looking for that wedding ring.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the swirling starts in the mirror. Where are you thinking about? Which ten-foot square are you thinking about?

Rosie/Lucille: The king’s chambers.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bedchambers? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: Bedchambers. It’s that time of night. I’ve been there, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t think you’ve been in the bedchambers but.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I thought I had. In that case I’m imagining just his quarters, his living quarters where we had the tea together. The lounge chair that we sat on.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A hologram comes up of his tea room with some tree stump seats around a table. Little teacup on it. Little teapot. And you can see the king is there, out standing on his balcony watching out over.

Rosie/Lucille: Hmm. Very interesting. Very pensive of him. Alright. Good to know where he is. Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I imagine you try and stop concentrating on that the moment that Cleary comes down?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah instantly. But I am like “Yeah guys, so he’s on his balcony if we do wanna go - should we tell Cleary where he is? Or should we just-”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s gone.

Rosie/Lucille: She’s out? Alright. 

Olive/Timmit: I dunno what to do with this. 

Rosie/Lucille: Well I wanna go talk to the king, so. . . 

Jorja/Magnolia:  I don't wanna let Lucille go talk to the king on her own.

Olive/Timmit: I think that's a great idea!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Nope! Let’s go, Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: I actually had this whole plan of how I would get my little goat up and I would make  - I’d tell the goat to run into the room and make it look like I’d accidentally let the goat into the room as a way to be like ‘I’m so sorry king, the goat ran in - oh no! Oh we should chat though, hey! How are you doing?’ But. That’s cool.

Steven/Noah: *imitating Lucille* ‘I didn't mean to catch you in your bedchambers.’

Jorja/Magnolia:  *imitating Lucille* ‘Undressed - oh you’re not. I can come back in.’

Olive/Timmit: *imitating Lucille* ‘Take two!’

Jorja/Magnolia:  *imitating Lucille* ‘I’ll re-enter!’

Olive/Timmit: Can I take a look at that note?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Ayo! There you go.

Olive/Timmit: The coordinates that are on it. Do I have any understanding or relevance as to where that would be?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can roll a wisdom saving throw if you’d like to try and remember what Cleary put into the orrery.

Olive/Timmit: Alright.

Jorja/Magnolia:  I’m standing within ten feet of you, cause I just handed you a note. So you get plus-four to that.

[die rolls]

Olive/Timmit: You did this.

[Jorja cackling in the background]

Olive/Timmit: You did this. Yeah, so it’s a one. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, this makes no sense to you. You’re a lawyer, not a scientist.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Your turn!

Steven/Noah: Noah’s gonna look up from his sketches. “Huh? What? What’s going on?”

Olive/Timmit: Those numbers, do you recognise those?

Steven/Noah: Do I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Were you paying attention when she was doing the orrery stuff?

Steven/Noah: Oh I would have been paying attention if she was doing orrery stuff, that’s interesting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah, well you can roll a wisdom saving throw with Magnolia’s extra plus-four.

[die rolls]

Steven/Noah: Ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like. You don’t remember if you’ve seen those numbers before, but. . . it makes logical sense, it’s not nonsense.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Uh. . .what are y'all doing?

Olive/Timmit: Just reading. Like cool kids do?

Jorja/Magnolia:  Okay. 

Rosie/Lucille: “Well I’m gonna go talk to the king now, so I’ll see you all later. Bye!” And I’m gonna start leaving because I kind of wanna get there before Cleary. Yeah, probably won’t, but you know. [laughs]

Jorja/Magnolia: Good luck, she was fuckin’ hoofin’ it. “I’m gonna follow Lucille, hope you guys are good?”

Olive/Timmit: Yeah we should-

Steven/Noah: Telepathically - “Did you want backup?”

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, not sure, dunno what’s gonna happen or how he’s gonna react, but I definitely wanna be there when he finds out.

Steven/Noah: But the brain-reading.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, brain-reading!

Olive/Timmit: Mm.

Rosie/Lucille: Can he read in your brain that you're reading brains?

Olive/Timmit: Probably.

Steven/Noah: I think it’s only if I go deeper, so surface-leve, no.

Rosie/Lucille: Cool.

Steven/Noah: But I’m pretty sure, did I project into him? Yeah I projected into him and then he projected back.

Rosie/Lucille: Mm, yeah cool.

Steven/Noah: And that’s how I knew he was also telepathic.

[die rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia: I’d just like to point out, if you asked the OTHER science person who is a wisdom character? What’ve we got, twenty-one. [transcriber's note: it isn’t clear what this roll was in reference to]

Olive/Timmit: Well you didn’t think to check, did you?

Jorja/Magnolia: You took the note from me and then said ‘Noah you try!’

Steven/Noah: She literally just said ‘And what are you guys doing? Nothing? We're going to see the king!’

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh yeah!

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘Don’t trust Magnolia!’

Tyrone/Margaret: I’d love to meet the king actually! We haven’t met him yet.

Olive/Timmit: Oh. . .

Steven/Noah: *imitating Timmit* ‘Um. . . you’re still here.’

[laughter.]

Jorja/Magnolia: *imitating Timmit* ‘I forgot about you.’

Olive/Timmit: “Oh sweetheart. Uh. . . one day, dear.” And I’ll flick my hand and she’ll disappear. She probably wasn’t gonna be around for much longer anyway. Depending how much time we spent.

Tyrone/Toby: Aroof! I’m on the scent.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Get him, Toby, get him!” Toby doesn't disappear. I walk with him.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Your crew: Skittles, assumedly still Beeyonce, Goaty, Toby, Frederick. Everyone is walking up to the king. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Um, no - Lucille can ride Toby’s back if she wants.

Steven/Noah: I’m totally on Skittles.

Rosie/Lucille: Can I ride on Toby’s back?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah!

Rosie/Lucille: Yes!

Tyrone/Toby: I’ll allow this because Magnolia says it’s okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: Thanks Toby.

Rosie/Lucille: Good boy!

Tyrone/Toby: Don’t patronise me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We reach the king’s living quarters.

[frantic knocking]

Olive/Timmit: Sorry, no one was - I didn't - I-

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh I was just gonna fully walk in.

Olive/Timmit: “Oh. Okay!” I’ll reach up, open the door.

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh!

Jorja/Magnolia: I didn’t think that would-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see Cleary on the other side. She's grabbing the door.

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh! Okay! Sure, yep. Hey guys.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You look over and you see the king reading the note over and over again. Without looking up, he says-

Tyrone/King Oberon: Hello everyone. I’ve got the teapot brewed. Would anyone like a cup?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes please!

Steven/Noah: Before he does that I’m gonna cast detect thoughts.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just surface level?

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give me - what’s the - it’s just surface thoughts, like what he’s thinking generally?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, as he’s reading the note.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He's. . . deeply troubled? Like - stressed out. He’s almost pleading, I guess? Is the sort of emotions, thoughts, surface level.

Tyrone/King Oberon: Tea, anybody else?

Rosie/Lucille: I would love a cup of tea, king!

Jorja/Magnolia: Same.

Olive/Timmit: Yes, please.

Steven/Noah: Can I change my detect thoughts to Cleary at the same time?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. She is - what is she feeling?

Steven/Noah: I don't care what she’s feeling, what is she thinking?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think surface thoughts, emotions, is like the general vibes.

Steven/Noah: No, Noah doesn’t know emotion, you’re gonna have to give me hard facts.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s worried about her friend, and wants to take immediate action but knows that’s not necessarily the right choice. She’s hoping that the king knows what to do and that you guys will support her.

Steven/Noah: I’m gonna telepathically relay that to these guys - but not you, unfortunately, otherwise you’ll know.

Rosie/Lucille: Cause I'm onto you!

Steven/Noah: Love you!

Rosie/Lucille: I’m waiting for you in person to do your ‘Ooh, I’m in your head voice!’ and Lucille’s gonna be like ‘Hang on. Hang on a second!’

Steven/Noah: I’ll do that in Exanimus. ‘Lucille! Don’t do -’ oh. Shit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think you still get telepathy.

Rosie/Lucille: Really?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It doesn't say it’s magical. I think it’s the same thing as Timmit not having fire resistance, you can’t take that away.

Tyrone/King Oberon: Please. Please, bring up a tree stump. I assume you’ve read the contents of this letter.

[various noises of confirmation from the party.]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He takes a deep breath. Glances out at the moon.

Tyrone/King Oberon: It’s past midnight, so it’s a new day. The day that you guys said that you would provide me an answer. It’s time to talk about it over a cup of tea.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and as a transcriber, so if that sounds like you, please shoot us a DM or an email, and that email is portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on a bunch of social media that you should check out including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @PortalQuandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Steven/Noah: This is not you. But Timmit just got read.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: Working on a reply, hang on.

Rosie/Lucille: Comeback loading.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. You just see Timmit-

Jorja/Magnolia: You need to give me THREE business days to get back to you!

Steven/Noah: Sorry, just like to point out the fact that the artificer used his tools.

[chorus of ‘ooh’s and applause]

Jorja/Magnolia: You dungeon that dragon!

Steven/Noah: Yeah, that really dungeons my dragon.

Tyrone/King Oberon: It’s past midnight, so it’s a new day. The day that you guys said that you would provide me an answer.

Steven/Noah: You motherfucker.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Tryna provide the closing to this episode!

[laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The end.

Rosie/Lucille: The end forever.

Olive/Timmit: And ever, and ever, and ever,

Everybody chiming in: And ever, and ever, and ever, and ever-

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia swiped whiskey from somewhere and she’s pouring it into her tea.