Episode 20: Exanimus

The final journey begins. The group makes their way into the strangely familiar Exanimus to retrieve the final essence for their dimension-travelling orrery. As they venture further in, unsettling revelations are made as an old mystery unravels. 

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and mentions of blood.

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Dungeon Master, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and Transcriber. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

intro_snow4 - levelclearer

eternity - levelclearer

dawn9000022uya4 - levelclearer

siberia - levelclearer

Assorted_crashing - nothayama

Synthetic Chipring - Owdeo

Sad bluesy violin - TheFlyFishingFilmmaker

Metal thunder impact_1(8lrs,mltprcssg) - newlocknew

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Steven/Noah: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can check them out in the episode description.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In a sequestered room far below ground, two figures in guard uniforms sit hunched over a pair of items. One of them is holding onto a small toy car, turning it over in his hands with a mournful sigh. The other has the delicate gear of an orrery grasped between thumb and forefinger, and he tweaks it just a fraction. Jack sighs and sets down his car. 

Tyrone/Jack: I don’t understand why you can’t just go back to the summer court yourself now that you have your teleport machine back. 

Tyrone/Kyros: Because - you saw the aftermath of my using it to get here. I was missing a component when I built it, and I can’t get that here. Without that, it’s too unstable to make a safe portal big enough for a person.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jack shrugs and rolls the car back and forth.

Tyrone/Jack: And we can’t just throw the note in the portal?

Tyrone/Kyros: No. I can probably make a tiny portal that will be stable enough to get the car with a note attached through - but it won’t stay open for long. The best shot I have at getting a message back to Cleary is with you sending that thing at maximum speed into the portal the second I open it. Only then is there a chance I’ll get it to her before this orrery falls apart altogether. And I won’t risk sending it with any kind of magic - the thing is volatile as it is; using a spell to send a message through an unstable portal is just asking for chaos. More chaos.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He snatches the hastily-written letter to affix to the car. Jack goes to the other side of the room and sets the car down, giving one last beep as Kyros prepares the orrery. The two fairies watch as it picks up speed, racing across the room. And then, in a second before it crashes into the far wall, a glimmering purple portal catches it. The car disappears, and Kyros’ orrery shudders apart. He looks at the broken pieces for a moment, then turns his gaze to Jack. 

Tyrone/Kyros: I need your help for one last thing: I’m going to bring down the Winter Court’s glamour, and you’re going to help me. Where do we go?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jack whistles. He jerks his head to Kyros, and the two make their way out of item processing, back into the long dark hallways of the Winter Court. 

Tyrone/Jack: That’s a tall order. If I wasn’t going to be nailed for treason before, I definitely am now. Provided they catch me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros opens his mouth to respond, but the sound of footsteps around the corner give him pause. He looks to Jack, then down at his guard uniform. It doesn’t fit great. Jack rolls his eyes and glances around for the nearest door, hauling Kyros back and shoving him through as the footsteps round a corner. He pulls the door shut with a loud cough and whirls to face the new pair.

Tyrone/Guard: Frost! About time you showed face. There’s been a callout for you since you deserted your station and the winter court’s guest was discovered missing. You know anything about that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros creeps to the closed door and presses his ear against it, listening closely to Jack’s response.

Tyrone/Jack: ‘Deserted’ is a strong word my friend, but yes, I had heard about our recent incident with a certain slippery grub. I’ve actually been following orders on the side from Eira to try and track him down, you’re welcome, but if you must join me on the manhunt then I ask that you try and keep up. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros furrows his brow, hearing the shift as Jack pushes off the door. 

Tyrone/Jack: I’ve tracked Kyros from the glyph room here on this right turn here. He’d gone straight down that hall and managed to skip all four less-important intersections before he made the choice to turn left and plough his way in. What possessed him to choose the second door on the left instead of the first, I couldn’t say. Luckily, he clearly didn’t know how important that equipment was, because he didn’t mess with any of it, so the glamour hasn’t been affected. He’s been making his way south now. Looking for an exit I’d wager. Come on, then. The trail’s going grimy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Three pairs of footsteps fade. Kyros breathes, then huffs out a laugh. 

Tyrone/Kyros: Thank you Jack.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He steps quietly out of the room and turns right.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello! And welcome back to Portal Quandary: Prophis. We’re actually up to episode twenty, can you guys believe that? 

Various: Woo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where we last left off was, we were in Oberon’s tea chamber - his antechamber, whatever you wanna call it. He’s offered you some tea - I don’t think anyone took the tea. But we have a very important conversation to have right now, cause he’s just read the letter from Kyros that Cleary found and the clock has just struck past midnight, so he’s awaiting your answer about the orrery.

Tyrone/Oberon: Everyone’s comfortable, you've got some stumps to sit down on. We sure about the tea? Nobody would like tea?

Steven/Noah: Skittles is gonna clamber onto the stump and rest all four legs on the stump.

Tyrone/Oberon: Very well. Okay. Shall we begin?

Olive/Timmit: Take it away.

Tyrone/Oberon: So you’ve all read this letter I assume.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Oberon: So you . . . understand the implications, is that we don’t have an orrery coming back to us.

Jorja/Magnolia: Mhm.

Tyrone/Oberon: Have you talked it over anymore?

Olive/Timmit: Uh - well-

Steven/Noah: Talk is a strong word - actually, Noah’s not gonna say anything. He’s just gonna look between Timmit and Magnolia and just be like, “ . . .”

Olive/Timmit: I’m also gonna be looking at Magnolia just kinda like ‘. . .’

Jorja/Magnolia: Bruh, what the fuck?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No one’s looking at Lucille?

Olive/Timmit: Lucille I imagine is just staring at the king.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes. I am just mesmerised by the king. I don’t know what to say around him because I prefer one-on-one time with the king and I’m not used to all these other people being around.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Don’t know how to share?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah exactly. To Lucille, sharing is not really caring.

Olive/Timmit: I wonder if that was established by her husband.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah no, Lucille didn’t share with her husband. Or actually - no maybe she did share too much with her husband. She shared the goats a bit much and that’s why she doesn’t share anymore.

Olive/Timmit: We're getting into some real heavy shit. “We um. . . well. . .”

Jorja/Magnolia: Go on.

Olive/Timmit: What do you want? 

Tyrone/Oberon: Sorry, I didn’t realise there was some confusion on the topic. We are hoping that you will allow us to travel via the portals made by your orrery soon to be completed, so that we can travel home. You of course will keep the orrery and use it  yourself to travel home as well.

Steven/Noah: That’s a lotta ‘if’s.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: We haven’t finished it yet.

Olive/Timmit: But you still wanna use the portal so that we can go home and that you can go to your home?

Tyrone/Oberon: Of course, this is just for us to use as a one-time. You can keep your portal that you‘ve rightfully made, yes.

Rosie/Lucille: Why don't - and hear me out, this is a good idea - why don't we all jump through at the same time to my goat farm?

Jorja/Magnolia: Who would that help?

Rosie/Lucille: It would help me greatly in getting back to my goats, and then you’d all get to see my little goaties.

Olive/Timmit: Nothing would thrill me more-

Rosie/Lucille: If that’s sarcasm , Lucille does not realise and she’s like ‘Ooh yay! Someone on my side!’

Tyrone/Oberon: I’m afraid your home is not our home Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! 

Steven/Noah: *imitating Lucille* Oh fiddlesticks!

Jorja/Magnolia:  *imitating Lucille* Bah, humbug!

Tyrone/Oberon: Is there anything you need cleared up? You seem hesitant still.

Steven/Noah: Logistically, when you use the orrery - cause I assume you’re using it first - when you use it, does the orrery remain on our side?

Tyrone/Oberon: Cleary I think you’re better at explaining this than I am.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah I thought we talked over this yesterday - or not even yesterday, that was a couple hours ago. Yeah, so you put in the coordinates for us, portal opens up, orrery stays where you are - you’re holding it. The portal’s right there. You can either hold it, take it into the portal with you - which you wouldn’t wanna do because we'll step in. You close the portal when we’re all inside, and then you put in your coordinates. And then you step inside with the machine I assume, unless  you wanna leave it behind. But then you wouldn’t really be able to close the portal then. So you should probably take it with you.

Steven/Noah: Uh, not me.

Jorja/Magnolia: Shot not!

Olive/Timmit: I volunteer Beeyonce. 

Steven/Noah:  *to the tune of Single Ladies* Woah-oh-oh - actually that’s true, she'll die anyway. Skittles can do it!

Olive/Timmit: I think something that I'd like to know is, what are your intentions of going back home? I mean you’ve spoken about this little rivalry with the Winter Court and now Kyros is imprisoned by them - or has escaped? What’s going to happen when you go home?

Steven/Noah: What’s your beef with Winter?

Tyrone/Oberon: I mean there’s quite a lot of answers to that. The first one I suppose being that’s our homeland, it’s our motherland. We want to return home. We don't belong here. But also look around. As I’ve said before, there’s nowhere to go to. The moment that Glamos overtakes us, this is the last time. There’s nowhere to grow food, there’s nowhere to get our medicine, there’s nowhere to get-

Olive/Timmit: I know why you want to go. My question is what are your intentions when you get there? Because people already live there. People that don't like you.

Steven/Noah: Who’ve been there thousands of years.

Tyrone/Oberon: We’re hoping that the other creatures that lived in our world were able to talk some sense into them. But we don’t overly know.

Steven/Noah: Kyros’ capture doesn't make you nervous?

Tyrone/Oberon: I mean, of course it does. That’s why our food going missing was such a big deal. We need all the supplies we can get. 

Rosie/Lucille: Nah but that's kind of like ‘out of sight, out of mind’ once they’re gone, they just. . . we’re not seeing them so they don’t really exist.

Olive/Timmit: I think I might just level with him. I’ll look at the three of you. “I’m just gonna address the elephant in the room.” I’ll turn back to the king. “Are you gonna murder those people, or are you looking to just amicably find your way into their life again?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna look a bit shocked. A big aghast. A bit taken aback. 

Tyrone/Oberon: Murder?

Steven/Noah: I think telepathically, Noah is going to go to the king, *telepathically* “Well you did murder that dragon. Pretty easily.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Telepathically, the king is going to say,

Tyrone/Oberon: *telepathically* That dragon was ready to murder every last fairy here because someone set it on the loose. 

Rosie/Lucille: I wonder who that was!

Olive/Timmit: Couldn’t tell you.

Steven/Noah: Once again telepathically, Noah is going to defend himself. *telepathically* “Well it wasn’t me - I was talking about Pangea.”

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just sat here and I look at Timmit. “Are they. . ?”

Olive/Timmit: Yeah Timmit’s just looking at the king waiting for an answer and sees the king not even looking at him. “I asked you a question.”

Tyrone/Oberon: No, not murder. We really hope that we’re able to come to some sort of arrangement. But no, we’re not there planning on assassination. Really, we’re getting ready to defend ourselves if we need to while negotiations take place.

Steven/Noah: Is there a way for us to sort of, check your coordinates? To make sure that the place you’re gonna land is free of-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary will chime in.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well, we were just having that conversation before, remember, with the scrying mirror. So we can scry to where we wanna go, make sure it’s not there. It does have to be someplace familiar to us, that’s the rules of the mirror. So obviously what’s familiar to us is also familiar to the court. 

Steven/Noah: Is a thousand years in the future still familiar?

Tyrone/Cleary: Technically.

Steven/Noah: Well, that's good enough for me!

Olive/Timmit: Can I make an insight check on the king please?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.

Olive/Timmit: Determine that he’s trying to-

Steven/Noah: Noah just trusting for absolutely no fucking reason.

Olive/Timmit: -tell the truth.

[die rolls]

Olive/Timmit: Twenty-one!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Holy shit. Yeah, the king’s intentions are true. He doesn't want a fight. He thinks that there probably will be a fight, as much as he doesn't want it to be. But he’s speaking the technical truth.

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Steven/Noah: He’s speaking HIS truth.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah! He’s speaking his intentions even if he thinks the other side won’t allow him those intentions.

Steven/Noah: I guess Noah’s gonna telepathically communicate to Timmit and Magnolia. Sorry Lucille. *telepathically* “Look, it sounds like a pretty good plan to me. I’m happy to work with Cleary getting those coordinates correct. I do have tool expertise now, so. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it right.”

Olive/Timmit: Alright. Well then I think we can say yes. We’re in. I mean we have to actually get back from Exanimus.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The king bursts into tears of joy. 

Tyrone/Oberon: Thank you. Thank you so much. 

Jorja/Magnolia:  You’re welcome sir, I was always a yes.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s gonna pull a small square of spare cloth out of one of his many pockets and hand that to the king.

Tyrone/Oberon: *blowing his nose* Thank you. Thank you.

Steven/Noah: I’m picturing after they blow their nose and try and hand it back to you and you’re like ‘no no, that’s okay. you keep that one, that’s for you.’

Tyrone/Oberon: Cleary, you escort these guys to Exanimus yourself tomorrow, okay? Don't let anybody else do it.

Jorja/Magnolia:  Win after win after win!

Olive/Timmit: It’s all coming up Magnolia!

Tyrone/Oberon: Please help yourself to the tea. I’m going to take a moment.

Jorja/Magnolia: You go, king! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’ll step out onto the balcony. I thought there was gonna be a little more resistance, that’s nice.

Jorja/Magnolia: I thought there was gonna be WAY more resistance.

Olive/Timmit: Well there’s not been any evidence that’s come up in my investigations, so there’s no reason to really fight back. I mean we still need to get back from Exanimus with this thing in one piece, so. We can say yes but all we’re doing is just short-selling ourselves if we don’t come up with the answer to get outta here.

Tyrone/Cleary: You guys have made the right decision.

Olive/Timmit: That’s not troubling at all. Cool! Thank you.

Tyrone/Cleary: Maybe we should all rest up. I think we all need to go to bed ready for our adventure tomorrow, since I’m now going.

Jorja/Magnolia: Mmhm!

Rosie/Lucille: I’ll join the king on the balcony briefly.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m gonna leave as soon as I see her get up to move.

Olive/Timmit: That’s our cue!

Tyrone/Oberon: Oh, Lucille, you don’t need to see a king in such a state.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh king, I could see you in any state, at any time. I want you to know that I have always trusted you. I was always going to say yes.

Tyrone/Oberon: Thank you for your vote of confidence.

Rosie/Lucille: Anytime! Now I must say - any point you want to come and see my goat farm, or you know, live with me on the goat farm. Or - anything like that, you know. Come to my goat farm. 

Tyrone/Oberon: Well, theoretically you will have the orrery afterwards, so you can choose to visit me whenever you’d like.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, is that an open invitation? Oh, how splendid! Tea with the king every single day! Excellent!

Steven/Noah: *singsong* That’s how you know you fucked up!

[laughter]

Tyrone/Oberon: I definitely need to go home to Atrius.

Rosie/Lucille: Eh, Atrius-schmatrius!

Tyrone/Oberon: You probably should rest up for your journey tomorrow, Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: “I definitely should, I’m going to spend so much time with my goats when I get back after this journey! I’m gonna go have a big sleep!” And she’s gonna walk up to the king and give him a little kiss on the cheek, and then stare meaningfully into his eyes for just a few seconds too long before walking away.

Olive/Timmit: Damn!

Jorja/Magnolia: Get it girl!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get the little transition where it’s the blackout coming in that’s in the shape of a heart til it comes in.

Olive/Timmit: Aw.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes!

Jorja/Magnolia:  Then there’s just a hard cut to all of us walking to our rooms just like ‘I feel really sick all of a sudden.’

Rosie/Lucille: *imitating Magnolia* I’m gonna throw up!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We all going to sleep”?

Olive/Timmit: I’ll spend the rest of the evening practising magic, going through formations, casting spells until I'm completely spent, and then I’ll fall asleep.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m gonna cuddle up with my dog.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I forgot he was there.

Jorja/Magnolia: I didn’t! I love you Toby.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just gonna finish up the finishing touches on his disguise for the next day.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sorry, what?

Steven/Noah: Oh. Well, Noah’s gonna be looking over the sketches and the various paintings that he saw in the library and he’s gonna be using his various tools - his smith’s tools, painter’s tools, tinker’s tools. Basically to create art.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: *dubiously* Okay. . . it’s a surprise tool for later.

Olive/Timmit: I like the idea that in one room you hear magic going off for two hours, so many different spells. The next room all you hear is buzzsaw noises and sockets being screwed in. The room after that is just Lucille talking to herself in her room ‘The king loves me ! The king will love me. He’ll come around!’ And then just Magnolia peacefully sleeping with her dog. 

Jorja/Magnolia: *snoring*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia being like ‘Cleary are you there?’ 

Jorja/Magnolia: *whispering* Cleary I miss you.

Steven/Noah: I picture Lucille in bed with the mirror being like ‘Show me. Show me the king.’ like Lord Farquaad. 

Rosie/Lucille: *laughing* Oh Lucille would love to be Lord Farquaad. I think that's her dream.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. We get the little heart coming into black. And then a hard cut to Cleary-

[Extended knocking]

Jorja/Magnolia: Ayup.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Actually before that-

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Good morning Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* Oh good morning, Cleary!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But what you actually say is, ‘Huh!? Huh!?’

Jorja/Magnolia: Ah! Ah!

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Are you awake?

Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* I’m up! 

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Good. Yeah, I’m gonna come knock on everyone’s door now, just uh-

Steven/Noah: Did she just get a ‘you up?’ text?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At seven AM!

Jorja/Magnolia: Are you up? You’re late for work.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I also appreciate that you - the king was like ‘you need to rest up for your journey tomorrow.’ Proceeds to stay up until at least two AM.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. That's normal, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: I followed orders.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It wasn’t an order to sleep, I’m just surprised. Anyway -

[Extended knocking resumes]

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m at the door. “Hello.”

Tyrone/Cleary: Morning.

Jorja/Magnolia: Morning!

Steven/Noah: There’s gonna be a series of clangs and bangs-

[series of clangs and bangs]

Steven/Noah:  -as Noah makes his way through shit to answer the door.

Tyrone/Cleary: Noah!

Steven/Noah: Hey.

Tyrone/Cleary: You're looking a little different!

Steven/Noah: “Oh, thank you.” He’s gonna pull like a warrior’s pose.

Tyrone/Cleary: What’s uh. . . what’s with the uh, get-up?

Steven/Noah: “Can you tell what I am?” And he’s gonna contort his body into this weird, metallic shape.

Tyrone/Cleary: Ummm. . .

Steven/Noah: I’m Exanimus, baby.

Tyrone/Cleary: Uh. Sure. You get into the mindset, yeah! You are Exanimus.

Steven/Noah: Proudly, he’s gonna walk through, clanging as he goes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And as everyone else gets up for the morning, what do they see, Noah?

Steven/Noah: I’m Exanimus. What do you mean? So basically Noah has attached various bits of metal and other materials as well as painting himself - and Skittles - to look essentially like Exanimus. 

Rosie/Lucille: So it’s like a metal camouflage?

Steven/Noah: Exactly.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ve likened it to uh, Peeta in the Hunger Games?

Jorja/Magnolia: Woah! Noah! Are you a baker?

Steven/Noah: Y-Yes.

Tyrone/Cleary: Good morning crew! Are we ready for our trip? It’s the last one.

Olive/Timmit: Uh - Yes?

Jorja/Magnolia: Mmhm!

Olive/Timmit: So ready. How long is it gonna take us to get there?

Tyrone/Cleary: Like a half-day fly. Maybe a bit less.

Olive/Timmit: Okay! 

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah. Are we flying or are we - you don’t wanna walk through Neptis, do you?

Olive/Timmit: No, we’ll fly.

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay good. Good good good.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait - I can still fly in Exani - Examinos? Exanimus? That one.  I can still fly there, right? Cause I’ve got wings.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah! You and me, we can fly there.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh heck yeah! Amazing. I’m gonna fly.

Jorja/Magnolia: Um. . . if you’re coming with us, where are our things that we gave to you?

Tyrone/Cleary: Well Beeyonce can come for a little fly, obviously she can’t cross the border. But we can put all your stuff in a safe.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay!

Steven/Noah: Can I leave her with the king?

Tyrone/Cleary: If you’d like. You just said that she was gonna stay with me?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I didn’t know you were coming with us!

Tyrone/Cleary: I was just escorting you to the border-

Steven/Noah: *overlapping* She’s gonna die!

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, you’re just going on the border.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. Sick. That's fine then.

Steven/Noah: Oh that’s fine, she can come.

Tyrone/Cleary: You need me to come all the way?

Jorja/Magnolia: No I just. Wanted - clarification. 

Tyrone/Cleary: So. We’re gonna fly? We ready?

Jorja/Magnolia: Woo!

Steven/Noah: Yeah. Cleary, I know it’s hard to tell, but I have my thumb up right now. I know it’s hard to tell with my outfit.

Tyrone/Cleary: I really couldn't tell. Uh, alright, I’ll lead the way. Good bye!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She takes off.

Jorja/Magnolia: Good bye!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s in the hallway, she’s running. She dives out the window.

Olive/Timmit: Yeet!

Steven/Noah: Well, she’s enthusiastic.

Jorja/Magnolia: We should go before - she’s REALLY quick.

Olive/Timmit: Lets. . . Go go go!

Steven/Noah: I have a telepathic connection to Beeyonce it’s okay. I know where they are.

Jorja/Magnolia: My dog and I get on my broom.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Toby’s still around?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does Toby. . . not. . . have a time limit?

Jorja/Magnolia: Nah. Toby’s here forever. He’s gonna sit at the border until I come back. Although he’ll probably die because it's a spell.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s your Gigi. You’re Kiki and he’s Gigi.

Jorja/Magnolia: My Gigi! My Titi! My Toby!

Tyrone/Toby: I’m not sure about this broom, Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Shut up! You love it.

Tyrone/Toby: As long as you’re going to be there.

Jorja/Magnolia: Always, Toby!

Tyrone/Cleary: Are you guys coming? Guys? 

Olive/Timmit: I’m already there, mate. I ‘go go go’-ed and everything. I'm out the window.

Steven/Noah: *whispering* “Fire.” And this hunk of metal will all of a sudden start to fly. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then we are flying over Neptis. It’s a little different than you remember because it was covered in heavy fog for a lot of your journey. That disappeared after the Astroneptis whooshed away. You can fly over the jungles and you can see all sorts of little creatures under the canopy. And it’s much clearer above the treeline as you can see this big skyscraper, ejecting essentially, out of the distance. You’re gonna be flying for half a day so I don’t know if you guys wanna talk about anything while you’re there, or if you just wanna-

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know if my boots can actually do that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh shit you've got a four hour time limit on those.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So do you.

Steven/Noah: I got two sets, I got eight hours.

Olive/Timmit: I’ve only got one pair of magical boots that make me fly, sorry.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you just get two thirds of the way into the journey and you just start hearing a- *stuttering noise*

Olive/Timmit: Uh, guys? Guys? I need to get back on the ground.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: Alright, well I guess I’ll just walk and see you there then.

Jorja/Magnolia: Bye!

Olive/Timmit: No please come with me, I’m scared. The forest is big and spooky.

Rosie/Lucille: No but I got wings. I gotta stay in the air.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah is having the same issues with Skittles by the way.

Steven/Noah: Shit.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Alright.” *radio* “Hey Cleary?” I imagine Cleary is super in front of us.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, you got the sending stones.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. *radio* “Hey Cleary? Some guys are having some trouble flying so we might need to take the rest of the track on foot.”

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Fuck. Fuck!

Jorja/Magnolia: *radio* I’m sorry! 

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Why can you guys just have wings?

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright! Racist! 

Steven/Noah: Yeah. A little racy, jesus!

Olive/Timmit: Why don't you get us some wings then Cleary?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! Build me wings!

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* Okay, we’ll land.

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean. I coulda kept flying, but.

Steven/Noah: Cleary, I don't think you thought this through.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: *laughing* I don’t think the DM thought it through. Yeah, we land in the forest - in the swamps - of Neptis. 

[windchime music]

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to take this moment to look at Timmit, and then look at Noah, and then look at Lucille, and I just think ‘oh, they're all so squishy’ and I cast aid.

Steven/Noah: I’m made of fucking metal!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah but you’re so tiny. So I’m gonna cast aid on those three. So your hit point maximum and your current hit points increase by five for the next eight hours, or until we cross the border.

Olive/Timmit: Sick!

Rosie/Lucille: Woah! Wait, so those hit points  go away when we go over the border thingy?

Jorja/Magnolia: I would imagine so. 

Rosie/Lucille: Mkay. Cool.

Tyrone/Cleary: Ugh, well, this is. . . great. I didn’t anticipate this. Sorry guys. We still got plenty of daylight though, we left early, so we can walk. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re walking through this familiar territory of little pools of water and mud everywhere, you’ve got a thick canopy so the sunlight is hard to come through. Occasionally there’ll be some fauna coming past, if we remember the little shimmering fish that swim through the sky,

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m gonna collect random plants and some mud.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re just gonna scoop up some mud?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah I got a bunch of vials off Cleary ages ago, so I’m gonna collect random samples of plants and mud.

Steven/Noah: *scoffing* Biologists.

Jorja/Magnolia: Shut up, you look like metal!

Steven/Noah: Yeah, not really fitting in yet.

Jorja/Magnolia: Kinda actually stand out a little bit

[Rosie giggling]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does take a little longer than half a day to get there now because we do have to walk. But we don't run into any man-eating anglerfish while we’re there.

Olive/Timmit: Hey! Nice! I think I wanna take this moment to find a moment when Cleary’s out of earshot and just explain to the three of you, “When we were talking with the king, he seemed genuine. Like he just wants to get his people to safety. But it’s like with the dragon, if their people are gonna be attacked, he’s gonna defend them. Arguably it’s just as worse as going in to murder everyone with the expectation that there will be a fight and people will get hurt, so. Yeah. I dunno. It’s a tough spot. It depends on morally where you stand.”

Jorja/Magnolia: I wanna contribute to the conversation but you said ‘when Cleary is out of earshot’ and Magnolia is definitely right next to Cleary.

Olive/Timmit: I would have definitely come up to you and pulled on your jacket and-

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, okay okay okay.

Olive/Timmit: -been like “come back here please. Sorry I don’t want to interrupt you but. . .”

Jorja/Magnolia: Blocked again!

Olive/Timmit: That’s Timmit!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I don’t wanna know that I’m part of the cause for a whole city of people dying, so I was sort of always on board.

Olive/Timmit: As in you wanna go with them?

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, I definitely wasn't going to abandon them and take the orrery for ourselves, is what I was getting at. Huh? What’s that Cleary? Yeah I’m comin!

Olive/Timmit: I just look over at Noah. “She’s hooked. Mkay.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that all Timmit wanted to say?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. We’ve already said yes, so. . . damage has been done for now.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh there’s no damage! It's all going to go beautifully well because it’s the king and the king makes glorious decisions for all!

[Jorja gagging]

Olive/Timmit: His entire city is about to be devoured by a weed, I don't think he’s doing too hot.

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, but the weed’s not his fault! Like - it’s just unfortunate circumstances, you know?

Olive/Timmit: That’s fair.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary is cutting through brush like she's an explorer. I’m picturing fucking Road to El Dorado for some reason cutting through the brush. Or Tarzan is in my head as well.

Rosie/Lucille: No, no! Cleary is just Kim Possible!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it cause she’s a redhead?

Rosie/Lucille: I dunno, I just imagined it just then. I thought that would be a funny image.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s cutting through the brush and suddenly as she’s cutting, the ground turns from soil to almost a hard border of asphalt growing over the top of it. You can see the weeds growing over the top of it. And there are no more trees to cut because you have reached the border.

Olive/Timmit: Well I - this is it, then?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah. I don’t quite remember it looking like this, but I don’t know, we don’t look at Exanimus all that much anyway I guess.

Rosie/Lucille: You don’t EXAMINE it that much? Haha.

Jorja/Magnolia: What did you remember it as?

Tyrone/Cleary: I don’t remember what this ground is. I haven't seen this stuff before. Usually there's a bit more metal than this.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I. . . being the biologist that I am, scrape up a little of the ground and look at it and assess?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. I won’t even get you to roll because it’s very obvious from what you’re looking at that this is bitumen, this is road. This is a road. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Do - do you normally come to this specific part of the border?

Tyrone/Cleary: Uh, well I mean it’s different every time, because you know we’re teleporting all over the land, so. . .

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. But you haven’t seen this before?

Tyrone/Cleary: No. do you know what this is?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. This is what our roads are made of back in pangaea-slash-Melbourne.

Steven/Noah: Melbourne is the city within pangea.

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The full sight, now giving you the full sight - we’re just looking at the road here in front of us. But what else you see is essentially this big long road with these tracks in the middle of them. There looks to be little traffic islands every now and then. The road is lined with shorter skyscrapers in comparison to the big one in the centre that the road leads all the way down to the centre.

Jorja/Magnolia: Does it look exactly like our road?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah! Yeah. 

Olive/Timmit: Is the road completely abandoned? Like there’s nothing, no movement or anything? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No movement. There's no people here.

Olive/Timmit: Mhm.

Steven/Noah: What in the transformers is this?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can everyone please roll me an investigation?

[dice rolls]

Steven/Noah: Fuck! Fuck! *cackling* I got a one.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah I got a plus zero, I got a seventeen!

Steven/Noah: Fuck you.

Rosie/Lucille: I got sixteen!

Olive/Timmit: Twelve.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah you are like. . . ‘the bitumen.’ You’re getting down, you're rubbing it between your fingers.

Steven/Noah: This shit’s made of rock!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  *imitating Noah* This is not metal!

Steven/Noah: Those sketches lied to me!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille and Magnolia, as you’re looking between the buildings, like some of the details are off, but you’ve seen this street before. You’ve seen these shops. Magnolia, there’s the kebab shop where you used to stop after a night out sometimes. Lucille, there’d be the little shop where you’d pick up some wool if you know the sheeps were all shorn and you had no wool left.

Jorja/Magnolia: Well. . . shit.

Rosie/Lucille: Are they copying pangea?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think it is pangea.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh!

Jorja/Magnolia: This street, I’ve been here - I've been to that shop, I've eaten those kebabs!

Steven/Noah: What shop? This is clearly made of road!

Jorja/Magnolia: If you can see it in my mind, this was a shop!

Tyrone/Cleary: This is pangea?

Jorja/Magnolia: This is pangea.

Rosie/Lucille: But how is it here? How did they get the whole pangea here? Makes no sense.

Jorja/Magnolia: How are we here?

Tyrone/Cleary: This is. . . pangea? This is what pangea looks like?

Jorja/Magnolia: Sometimes. There’s other bits, but they don't really matter.

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh. Was gonna say like. . . it’s a bit sad.

Jorja/Magnolia: No, it is sad, there’s just other bits.

Rosie/Lucille: My farm is pretty!

Tyrone/Cleary: I imagine your farm doesn't look like this, Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, there’s none of this there. No shops, just goat.

Olive/Timmit: Can I make an arcana check?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Cause I know this is a place of no magic, but I wanna see if the buildings themselves have been created from a magic, or if they’ve got illusionary kind of fuckery going on.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure!

Steven/Noah: Can you have an illusion within an antimagic field?

Olive/Timmit: Well that's the thing I’m trying to figure out: if it's an antimagic field for people, or if the building - like the actual place itself - is magic and that’s why magic doesn't work in it.

[die rolls]

Olive/Timmit: Sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With a sixteen, now that you’re up close, you can see the big skyscraper in the middle - you can see almost this energy flowing into it, which you can deduce is the magic essence itself being absorbed by Exanimus. Which Noah saw in his sketches already.

Steven/Noah: Yes but this is a road.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Well I think that’s probably the reason for no magic, it looks like the city is actually eating it. So I dunno how I’d go casting magic, so I think we should just avoid that altogether.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah I told you guys that before. Glamos is pure magic, Exanimus - absolute no magic.

Olive/Timmit: Well not absolute no magic. There’s magic being funnelled in.

Tyrone/Cleary: It’s uh. . . antithesis? It’s its opposite. Where the magic goes, Exanimus takes it.

Jorja/Magnolia: Cleary! Cleary! Cleary!

Tyrone/Cleary: Yes?

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I have my bag really quick?

Tyrone/Cleary: Sorry, it’s back in the safe. 

Jorja/Magnolia: No that's okay, that’s okay. Um. . .

Tyrone/Cleary: What did you need?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll figure it out, we’re all good.

Olive/Timmit: Shall we then?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah. Good luck guys. I can wait here for you if you’d like.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I fly up really quick?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I see any Glamos?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It doesn't seem so, no

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I  - so - I can't see any at all?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, I looked up the geography of the place, like ‘where is Novis in comparison to Neptis’ - they're opposites, so.

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright. I fly back down.

Tyrone/Cleary: Everything all good?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. We’re good. Just uh. . . scouting.

Tyrone/Cleary: Uhh okay? Bye.

[chorus of ‘bye’s]

Olive/Timmit: Well see you when we get back! Oh just as a reminder how long do we have until the city's over run by the. . . you know

Jorja/Magnolia: Just a quick reminder - how long do we have until everyone’s dead?

Olive/Timmit: It’s kind of important.

Tyrone/Cleary: Four days including today.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Okay, sweet so three and half days. So we got really three days here with the half a day walk back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Depends how long you take here, but yeah.

Steven/Noah: How long are we taking here?

Olive/Timmit: Well I mean, who knows? We got no magic, no quick way to get around. We gotta go through this whole cityscape.

Rosie/Lucille: But we’ve got my walking stick so we'll be fine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia’s ADHD is kicking in so she’s like “We should go, we don't have much time, so we should keep goingggg.”

Olive/Timmit: Alright, alright ants-in-your-pants, lets go.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay! Okay okay okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We step over the border?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: *sighing* Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Whos’ the first one to go?

Jorja/Magnolia: Probably me cause I was bouncing around. “Bye Cleary! I love you!”

Olive/Timmit: That girl’s gotta chill.

Jorja/Magnolia: Shut the fuck up Timmit!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia. As you step over, you feel a few things: number one, your armour feels just that little bit heavier. You feel the true weight of the armour on your shoulders. Number two, the bristles on your broom - they don't stand on end anymore, they sort of - sag, I guess. You - the glow that the sending stone Cleary gave you dulls into just an ordinary rock with a rune written on it. You're gonna feel that little earpiece in your ear? You're gonna feel the power draining from it, you don't feel that magical resonance anymore.

Steven/Noah: Was it drowning out your tinnitus?

Jorja/Magnolia: Ah fuck! That’s still there.

Olive/Timmit: Hey Magnolia, you good?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah we're good just. . . ugh, my ear!

Olive/Timmit: “Alright then.” Timmit will step across.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, the first thing that you notice: your gavel that you hold. It loses the rune - the glowing runes and the inscriptions of the spells that it has over its body. You feel the boots? You feel them - you can look down and you can see they’ve lost their fiery glow that you mentioned they have. They're not those sick little kid’s light up boots anymore.

Olive/Timmit: That's the biggest disappointment of all.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And your sword with its sick dragon head at the hilt loses its red glow about it as well. SImilarly, you don’t feel the magical resonance in your ear anymore. And you don’t feel the connection with your bladesong anymore.

Olive/Timmit: Why am I still short, but I lost all my cool things?

Jorja/Magnolia: Short kings rise up, woo! 

Olive/Timmit: *despondently* Woo.

Jorja/Magnolia: “It’s okay, Timmit.” I go over and pick him up just a little bit.

Olive/Timmit: Bringing me up to like, eye level? Or are you just gonna hold me like an inch off the floor?

Jorja/Magnolia: Well I don't wanna give you vertigo, so like an inch.

[laughter]

Steven/Noah: Well at the sight of seeing the other two people that Noah trusts not spontaneously burst into flame, Noah will sort of nudge Skittles and Skittles will take a couple steps forward. I shan't be taking a step.

[Skittles chirps]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, the first thing Skittles notices is that he doesn't feel the power from his boosters anymore. Your shield, if you’re to look at it, has lost its glow about it. And the crystal of Honey Boo Boo’s heart has lost its glow as well.

Steven/Noah: Oh no! I forgot about that. She’s fuckin dead’ again.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh my fuckin’ god, she fuckin’ dead!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Your lighting sword loses its electricity about it. Your new all-purpose tool? If you wanted to try and change it you would be unable to do so. Similarly you're not able to conjure up tools into existence. You’d find yourself unable to give small objects a magical property, such as kacaw stones. And you lose the magical resonance in your ear as well. Lucille, are you coming?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah I suppose. I’ll go and fly across the border just to be a bit different.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just to show off that no one else can.

Rosie/Lucille: *giggling* Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Goaty here?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah of course, I’m carrying Goaty in my arms as I fly.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you fly across the border, Goaty just vanishes from your arms.

Rosie/Lucille: No! Goaty!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That's something I did forget as well, I didn't ask if Toby was still there.

Jorja/Magnolia: No, Toby was under strict orders to sit at the border.

Tyrone/Toby: I will wait until you get back Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Tell me of anything that happens.

Tyrone/Toby: I will wait here and I will see all.

Jorja/Magnolia: My all-seeing Toby!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But the moment you cross the border he vanished.

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, if you were to look at your Wand of Magic Missiles, you can tell that it has lost its spark, it’s just a stick. Your mirror, if you are to look into it, you’d just see your own reflection now instead of a swirling pool of potential. And you sort of just feel that extra weight about your goat-coat.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille doens’t really mind about all of this, but she’s like “Guys, where’s Goaty? Why did Goaty disappear?”

Olive/Timmit: Um - well you know, sometimes, magic doesn't last a very long time. So, maybe if we just focus on this we can fix it when we get back.

Rosie/Lucille: You think Goaty will still be there and still love me when we get back?

Olive/Timmit: I think Goaty will still be there when we get back, yes.

Rosie/Lucille: What about the second part?

Olive/Timmit: I think a goat could love you, Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, everything’s good.

Tyrone/Cleary So - will I see you guys back home? Should I meet you back here?

Olive/Timmit: We’ll see you back home.

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean, once I cross the border I can let you know.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, okay! Goodbye.

[chorus of byes]

Tyrone/Cleary: Good luck!

Steven/Noah: Gonna send her a ‘you up’ text?

Jorja/Magnolia: You up? I almost just fuckin’ died.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary’s gone. And you begin to hear a noise come from these speakers. Like, I guess in the real world they’d be used as emergency siren type things. Like speakers, yeah. You hear what sounds like a violin?

[violin music]

Jorja/Magnolia: Don’t you fuckin’ dare. Don’t you fuckin’ dare - he’s not here! He died!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It sounds vaguely like ‘Toss a Coin to Your Witcher.’

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s him.

Olive/Timmit: What? What’s going on?

Jorja/Magnolia: *singing* Toss a coin to - you ever watch ‘Witcher,’ Timmit?

Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah no, I love that show.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, it’s the song.

Olive/Timmit: Okay! 

Steven/Noah: Yeah. That's all there is.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. That’s all it is.

Olive/Timmit: Alright. Should we check it out, then?

Jorja/Magnolia: Hmmmmmm. I guess we probably should, to be honest. I mean, what else are we gonna do? We don’t know what we’re doing.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll just start making my way toward the violin noise.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So it’s coming from a whole series of these speakers that are up on these power poles. So it’s being projected.

Olive/Timmit: That’s not at all ominous.

Steven/Noah: I was wondering if I could do an investigation check on these poles to see if I can see where the sound is coming from.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. Roll it.

Steven/Noah: Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Trying to see if he can argue that a tool gives him a bonus to it.

Steven/Noah: Yes. Let me have this, okay? It’s all I can do. I have proficiency on insight checks with things made of metal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: From what?

Steven/Noah: With my smith’s tools that I brought with me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, yeah go for it.

Steven/Noah: Yes!

[die rolls]

Olive/Timmit: What’s it gonna be? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s gonna be like thirty from what I can see on that dice.

Olive/Timmit: Twenty eight.

Steven/Noah: Twenty nine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oi, jesus fuck!

Rosie/Lucille: That's a big one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was the base roll?

Steven/Noah: Sixteen.

Olive/Timmit: Holy shit. 

Steven/Noah: So plus seven, cause of my investigation, and then another plus six cause I used my tool.

Jorja/Magnolia: I use tools at the time and I don’t get anything from it!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, taking a look at these speakers down the street. As it would be on a normal road, everything’s connected by these power poles that all continue up til they stop at the border. They don't continue past the border. They continue all the way down to the end of the road.

Steven/Noah: It’s like one directional?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: I really want Noah to be like “I figured it out! We just follow the road!” Cause it’s literally the only fucking way to go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean there's side streets and stuff but this is the main road.

Steven/Noah: ”The power source is definitely coming down that way.” He’s gonna point down toward the power poles. “I reckon if we follow those it’ll take us toward the sound. If that's even what we’re interested in finding.”

Olive/Timmit: I think that’s probably the first point of call. Find out what that’s all about.

Steven/Noah: He’s gonna telepathically communicate to Skittles to give him a high five and they're gonna-

[smack]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah so periodically down this road is what you would assume to be a tram stop. You've seen these before, you’ve probably seen this exact tram stop as you waited outside of it drunkenly.

Jorja/Magnolia: Which tram line?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh the. . . putting piece together what you would expect to see where the skyscraper is, is where you would expect the main train station to be. 

Olive/Timmit: This violin music that’s playing - is it constant, does it take breaks, is it on a loop?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah it takes breaks. it might stop for a couple minutes, then pick back up with a new tune.  Something like ‘Pony’.

Jorja/Magnolia: They’re the two.

Steven/Noah: *singing* Riding my pony.

Olive/Timmit: But there’s no talking at all, it's just violin music?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just violin yeah. Any questions? Anything that we’d like to check out?

Olive/Timmit: Follow it to the source.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll let Timmit go ahead a little bit then I'll grab Noah.

Olive/Timmit: Okay well I guess I’m going first, that’s fine. Timmit won’t even register it, he’ll just start walking. “Doo doo-doo.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I suppose Lucille’s going ahead?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll stop Lucille from going too.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She flies.

Jorja/Magnolia: I can jump.  “Um, do we think this could be him, though?”

Steven/Noah: Yeah, a hundred percent. I just hope that it is him, like. . . in his entirety? And not some sort of weird, warped monstrosity.

Jorja/Magnolia: Should we be a bit wary about this? Cause I don’t know. Do we tell Timmit?

Steven/Noah: What exactly would we tell him? Like - we know - or at least we think we know - exactly who it is?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait wait who do we think it is?

Steven/Noah: Hymnbo!

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! No, leave it as a surprise.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Why did I ask? Alright. Let’s go.”  Magnolia’s gonna keep a fuckin’ eye out, cause suddenly she is the most scared she’s ever been since being here.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Scared, that's interesting.

Jorja/Magnolia: Well yeah - they lost him, and she felt so much guilt for that. And she just assumed he was dead because she found all of his shit. And now, she doesn’t know what it’s gonna be.

Steven/Noah: I think if Noah had feelings, he would be the same, but. He doesn’t. He’s chill.

Olive/Timmit: Still dead inside, ha ha!

Steven/Noah: I mean logically I know the answer, ha ha!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, few things to point out along the way before we get there. Like, it is roughly the city that you know but there are some changes, in that of course where the train station would be there is a massive skyscraper. From that epicentre heading out, there seems to be larger and larger skyscrapers as well, as if it’s sort of pulled up from the ground like a mound.

Jorja/Magnolia: Are these skyscrapers from Melbourne?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Some you recognise, some are sort of. . . not where they should be.

Jorja/Magnolia: Is the Skydeck here?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Sick, we should go up and see the skydeck.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know, Timmit’s office is probably here somewhere.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah most likely.

Jorja/Magnolia: Meh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah’s work is around somewhere.

Olive/Timmit: We always take an interest in your work but fine I get it, you don't wanna know anything about my-

Jorja/Magnolia: Tell me what I do for a living.

Olive/Timmit: You're a student.

Jorja/Magnolia: In?

Olive/Timmit: Biology.

Jorja/Magnolia: No. 

Olive/Timmit: You just called yourself the resident biologist. Anyway.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One other thing to note as well is that typical in this city, there does seem to be a lot of construction going around. Little bit - you know there’s some common things, like the frames to hold everything up, there might be toolboxes lying around. Um, but less common as well there’ll be bulldozers that aren’t fenced in, so easy to access, there’s jackhammers, there’s all sorts of shit.

Jorja/Magnolia: How heavy is a jackhammer?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Google it if you’d like.

Jorja/Magnolia: I guess people hold them to work with them.

Steven/Noah: Do you think that’d be classified as a smith’s tool or a tinker’s tool?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh thirty kilos, is that it!

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh fuck yeah, Magnolia’s stealing a jackjammer!

Olive/Timmit: Not even plugged in though. So you can’t even be like [attempt at a jackhammer noise]. You’re just smacking people with it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m gonna throw it!

[Olive asphyxiating from laughter] 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia, you have attained a jackhammer.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes! I’m gonna add it to my notes. I’m gonna show Cleary - she’ll love it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia, while you’re picking up this jackhammer, you glance - you’re pretty close to the skyscraper now - you glance up, probably halfway up? You're pretty sure you see a silhouette in the window. It does seem to have horns and a tail.

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s come to find me. “Um, I think I know where we need to go.”

Olive/Timmit: What?

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, she’s just gonna point up.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll look up.

Jorja/Magnolia: Please tell me you see that too.

Olive/Timmit: Uh - what is- what - what is that?

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s just a guy.

Olive/Timmit: Should we um. . . go inside, then?

Jorja/Magnolia: I guess so.

Olive/Timmit: Is this a trap? Feels like a trap.

Rosie/Lucille: Nah, there wouldn’t be a trap here! This is a friendly place.

Olive/Timmit: What makes you say that it’s a friendly place?

Rosie/Lucille: It’s so familiar! We know this place, like it’s fine. Nothing bad happens here.

Olive/Timmit: *sceptically* Uhh!

Steven/Noah: Can I investigate the areas for traps?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.

Steven/Noah: I’m gonna use my thieves’ tools to assist with that.

Olive/Timmit: Whilst he’s doing that, you said that there were tool bags and stuff around, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Just as we were walking along the street, could I have just stopped at one and tried to grab a handful of bolts?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just bolts?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah sure.

Olive/Timmit: Cool, I just wanna put them in my pocket.

[die rolls]

Steven/Noah: What do I get for a twenty-five?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus christ.

Olive/Timmit: Bro.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Traps. . . .I’m trying to think of - I don’t think you find anything with that. By the area you mean, the area in front of the skyscraper and everything?

Steven/Noah: Well Magnolia was planning on going in to the skyscraper, so was there anything around, around the door, anything like that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it’s unlocked It’s auto doors, actually, its [automatic hum]

Jorja/Magnolia: Is it one of those rotating ones? You gotta time it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah it’s one of those.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, Skittles is not fitting in that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No he’s not. It does look like the silhouette has noticed you, he’s - it seems to be waving, trying to get your attention. Sort of trying to smack on the glass a little bit.

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s just a damsel in distress.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll look up and wave up at him too. “Hi! Hi, I don't know if you can hear it but we’re - do you need help? Help?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jumping up and down.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, we’ll come to get you!

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I do an insight check? And I’m gonna use my tools!

Olive/Timmit: Friendship!

Jorja/Magnolia: JACKHAMMER.

[die rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia: Seventeen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Insight into. . ?

Jorja/Magnolia: Into his behaviour. Is it - frantic? Is he panicked? Or is it a calm act?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He seems. . . not distressed - in a frenzy, sort of like overwhelmed.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah I’ll go.

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yup. Jackhammer first.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Skittles cannot fit through the revolving doors.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll jackhammer them out.

Steven/Noah: Do I need to break my way into this?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You might.

Steven/Noah: Alright.

Jorja/Magnolia: “It’s a skyscraper, it's made of glass - here!” And I’ll throw the jackhammer through a wall.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I won't even make you roll. You smash the glass.

Steven/Noah: And Skittles will just step through over the glass and onto the other side.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What you step into is the lobby - the reception of this building. It seems to be some sort of business building. There's the reception at the front and at the back is the - you've got little gates to pass through and into the elevators or stairs. It sort of seems a bit like what you’d see in an apocalypse movie I guess. Things are discarded, papers are everywhere, looks a bit grimy like it hasn't been inhabited in a while.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille doesn't know what an apocalypse movie is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It looks like your shed after you haven't touched it for like ten years.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh like Lucille hasn’t touched her shed since her husband left, yeah alright she understands.

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright.

Olive/Timmit: TMI. Can I take a look around to see if there's any sort of major disturbances? Any struggles?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah give an investigation.

[die rolls]

Olive/Timmit: Fuck.

Jorja/Magnolia: I like to imagine that Lucille’s a hoarder.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh definitely.

Jorja/Magnolia: She just got shit everywhere. Yeah? Okay, cool.

Rosie/Lucille: Hundred percent.

Olive/Timmit: Uh, fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fourteen - doesn't seem to be any major struggle really, no. With a fourteen I’ll give you that you can see a set of footsteps that were there before you guys arrived heading from the entrance over to the elevators.

Steven/Noah: Does it go through the gate?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Can I check the integrity of the gate?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The integrity of it?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, do you need a pass or something to get through it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No it’s a roller one, just made to not be easy to get through.

Jorja/Magnolia: There’s only one set of footprints?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Just. Walked in?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Keep my hand on the pommel of my sword as we’re walking through. Just in case.

Jorja/Magnolia: Timmit, can you tell how long ago the footprints were here?

Olive/Timmit: Um. . . 

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I tell how long ago the footprints are. . . would it be survival? Do we know how long ago it was?

Olive/Timmit: That would be a survival check.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll roll with you cause why not, that’s fun.

[dice rolls]

Olive/Timmit: Total for a nine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Eight!

Olive/Timmit: Wha!

Steven/Noah: What are we rolling? Survival?

[die rolls]

Steven/Noah: *cackling* One.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll do that thing that I’ve seen in ‘Lord of the Rings’ where Aragon’s trying to track, and I’ll take a little bit and give it a taste.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the process you accidentally rub them out a little bit.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. “Well I gotta say it’s probably at least this week.”

Jorja/Magnolia: I concur!

Steven/Noah: I’ve forgotten what feet are.

Jorja/Magnolia: *imitating Noah* You guys see footprints?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Skittles just lets out a sneeze. All the force just blows all the dust everywhere.

Olive/Timmit: Skittle sneezes and it's just all gone.

[Skittles chirps]

Jorja/Magnolia: So he walked in here and he hasn’t left since he walked in here?

Rosie/Lucille: What if he jumped out a window?

Jorja/Magnolia: Then how did he get back up?

Olive/Timmit: But what if there’s a back exit?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: I like where your head’s at though Lucille.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, there could be a back exit?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The steps lead to an elevator. There's also a door into the stairwell. There appears to be no back exit.

Steven/Noah: I’m gonna regret asking this, but does Skittles fit in the elevator?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah he’s a medium creature, he can fit.

Steven/Noah: Not through a door!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia can fit through a door.

Olive/Timmit: What floor did we see him on?

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, middle.

Olive/Timmit: What floor did we see him on?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: About halfway up the building.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, so what floor would that have been-

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah see? Middle!

Olive/Timmit: -if I sat there and counted them out?

Steven/Noah: Can I mathematically calculate it?

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, Magnolia’s gonna poke her head into the elevators to see how many floors there are.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There are a hundred floors.

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh, I think he was maybe at fifty? Possibly forty-nine.

Olive/Timmit: We saw him at floor fifty?

Jorja/Magnolia: I got good eyes, I’m a bunny.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You were like ‘can I mathematically calculate’ like. . . it’s gonna be half of whatever the total is.

Steven/Noah: Forgive me for wanting to use my tools.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, I was gonna suggest maybe take the stairs. It’d be a little less conspicuous, but um. . . 

Jorja/Magnolia: Is there a. . . actually nevermind, I have the perfect thing for this. We should send the elevator up and us go up the stairs and just hear if anything happens when it goes up. Like, an explosion of some kind.

Steven/Noah: If only we had all of our familiars.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m gonna prop up the jackhammer, cause it's kinda human-shaped.

Olive/Timmit: Still covered in glass.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The jackhammer’s going in the elevator?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah the jackhammer’s going in the elevator.

Steven/Noah: I’m gonna assist with the propping up of the jackhammer and I’m gonna use my smith’s tools to do it!

[die rolls]

Steven/Noah: That’s a fifteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: Any extra bedding or clothing that I have I’m gonna ball up and make it look like a head on top of it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have your leaf armour from before.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep. chuck her on.

Steven/Noah: I’m gonna paint a face on it using my painter’s tools and it looks fucking immaculate.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is the same things as them in the library like ‘I’m gonna pull out my little assistant.’ ‘No, I’m gonna pull out my little assistant.’

Steven/Noah: Well my dick’s bigger.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m doing things so Noah can use his tools.

[laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I won’t even make you roll for it, you’ve created a pretty believable scarecrow.

Jorja/Magnolia: Nice! I hit floor fifty and then start up the stairs.

Olive/Timmit: Then we start up the stairs?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, but-

Olive/Timmit: We’ll probably have to be a bit quick about it. I mean the elevator’s gonna beat us no matter what, but we should probably haul ass.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah but we can hear if anything happens was the main thing. I don't wanna-

Rosie/Lucille: If I fly will I be speedier than everyone walking?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You wont make footprint sounds I guess.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna fly.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone has to walk up the stairwell and you’re like ‘Bye!’

Steven/Noah: Uh, I’m not walking.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah I’m gonna speed ahead and peek around the door and do a - gonna have a little looksie.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: If you just get us recon then we’re just backup, so if anything goes wrong, just um. . . just scream ‘goats!’

Rosie/Lucille: I was - I was gonna say goats, that was gonna be my screaming word, yeah! I’ll just go ‘goats!’

Olive/Timmit: Perfect. But god I hope there’s not an actual goat up there, that’d be confusing.

Rosie/Lucille: No, you just have to tell from the tone of my voice.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, it’s not *panicked* ‘goat!’, it’s *excited* ‘goat!’

Rosie/Lucille: Exactly.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Picture throughout this building as well speakers as you would in a business building, so you are also hearing violin music throughout.

[note: faint background violin music has not stopped since the players first heard it]

Jorja/Magnolia: Same two songs?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It mixes them up every now and then but they’re the main ones.

Jorja/Magnolia: Throws in a little ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are we going up fifty flights of stairs?

Olive/Timmit: *sighing* Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep. Magnolia’s fine with it.

Steven/Noah: Skittles, he’s doing it. He's fine. 

Olive/Timmit: Probably get halfway there, Timmit will eventually- *panting* “Noah, please. Please can I sit on Skittles? I’m dying.”

Steven/Noah: Fiiine.

Olive/Timmit: “Thank you oh my god.” And he climbs and hauls himself over on his tummy on the back of Skittles.

Steven/Noah: Just watch out for all the spikes.

Olive/Timmit: Ah that - that’s fine it’s comfy. Comfy spikes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you peek in the door ahead of everyone apparently, you peek into a similar state room, you know, the shed of your late husband that you never go into. It’s offices that appear to be abandoned - various cubicles. To - yeah to one side sitting in an office chair is a devil figure playing the violin. To another side of the room appears to be a giant industrial wood chipper.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! Is it chipping wood? Or is it just sitting there?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Um, it is not currently chipping wood, no. It is just sitting there.

Rosie/Lucille: Is the guy still playing violin? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay. so Lucille’s kind of realised that maybe screaming out goats right now isn’t a good idea because the guy will see - hear her scream out goats, which probably isn't the best thing to do.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you roll me a stealth check?

Rosie/Lucille: Maybe.

[die rolls]

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah, I got twenty-eight.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. You're fine. You’re good.

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah.

Steven/Noah: Yeah and my twenty-nine with a double proficiency was too high.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you gonna wait for the others?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah has that elevator come up yet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It has now, you just hear a -

[elevator dings]

Rosie/Lucille: Wow - I was faster than an elevator? That's pretty cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia pressed every single button.

Jorja/Magnolia: *laughing* Yeah, she would’ve.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you guys have caught up?

Olive/Timmit: Well what was - I’m curious - what was Hymnbo’s reaction when the elevator came up?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Rosie looking or has Rosie closed the door again waiting for you guys?

Rosie/Lucille: Nah I’m looking I’m just watching the whole time, I’m like mesmerised by the music

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He just - drops the violin, you can hear the violin stop in the - I don’t wanna say sirens. . . in the speakers.

[violin music stops]

Steven/Noah: The PA system.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. He’ll look up and see the door’s open and see nothing’s - look at the scarecrow for five seconds. 

Tyrone/Hymnbo: Oh.

Steven/Noah: It has the face of Michelangelo’s David you bitch!

Jorja/Magnolia: And his cock too!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean he has. . . no arms and no legs.

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s got tiny little arms!

Steven/Noah: Yes, I fabricated them out of. . . bits of scrap material and scrap metal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna start his lonely tune again.

[violin music resumes]

Rosie/Lucille: Maybe I wanna throw something at him.

Jorja/Magnolia: Don’t do that! Don't do that!

Rosie/Lucille: *Rosie laughing* No, I said maybe I want to. But maybe I won’t. But at the same time I have throwing stars?

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck me!

Olive/Timmit: Do it!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going to?

Rosie/Lucille: No! Oh, I’m gonna shoot the thing in the elevator. I’m gonna get out my shortbow and I’m gonna shoot the thing that we made in the elevator. Just to see what he does, you know? I'm just curious.

Steven/Noah: Does he not have to roll against the facade of the doll we created?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like, I really appreciate what you did. . . but also you made a jackhammer with some leaves on top and painted a face on it.

Steven/Noah: I painted a really good face.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So Rosie's going to shoot it.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah I wanna shoot it.

Jorja/Magnolia: Have we caught up?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I think you guys are there now.

Steven/Noah: Just in time for the arrow to be let go.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Catching up just in time for you to see the wood chipper is gonna shoot a hook out to the scarecrow and is gonna drag it into its stomach and start chipping away.

[metallic clank, followed by the sound of a chain being reeled in, finishing with the screech of the wood chipper’s blades grinding.]

Rosie/Lucille: Oh.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Upon which point the metal shrapnel is going to fly everywhere as it attempted to shred this jackhammer.

Rosie/Lucille: Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hymnbo runs - ducks for fucking cover of course. You hear this loud wood chipper coming from the next room as you come up.

Jorja/Magnolia: Did Lucille shoot a bow? And then the wood chipper hooked - sent out a hook?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. From its. . . mouth? The bit where you put the wood into.

Rosie/Lucille: What happens if I shoot the wood chipper?

Steven/Noah: Well I mean, you won’t know until you shoot it.

Jorja/Magnolia: My brother in christ. Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: No it’s fun just shooting things, I’m gonna shoot the woodchipper.

Jorja/Magnolia: No! Lucille why - why the fuck are you shooting things? Stop!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I thought you were trying to be stealthy and now you’re shooting shit.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah well - like the Hymnbo dude is hiding, he’s hiding for cover, so he’s not gonna notice. Maybe.

Steven/Noah: The wood chipper might notice?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah but like it’s - I feel like it's a stationary thing so it’s - I imagine it can’t walk. I hope.

Steven/Noah: It destroyed a jackhammer. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. 

Steven/Noah: I think Lucille is probably softer than a jackhammer.

Rosie/Lucille: But Lucille can fly away - the jackhammer couldn't.

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia’s just going to hide. I’m assuming Lucille’s at a door? She’s gonna hide on the side of the door closest to Lucille so Lucille is within ten feet.

Steven/Noah: Just like a totally random number, like - I dunno, ten feet.

Jorja/Magnolia: Just off the top of the dome, like. Maybe ten-ish feet. Exactly.

[Rosie laughing]

Jorja/Magnolia: Cause she knows there’s no talkin’ her out of it.

Rosie/Lucille: I want to like - shoot it, but as soon as I let go of the arrow, fly up above the door.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Above the door? But you’ve just got it ajar still.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. But I want to fly up above it so it’s like if something looked out, it wouldn’t see me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you’re not looking in the door because you're - you know, trying to fly up and hide? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah so I kind of shoot the arrow and straight away fly up. Cause I’m like ‘Agh, it might kill me.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. You shoot it and then it kind of pauses for a second. And then you hear a big screech. Like a person-screech. And then you hear a - a lot of wood chipper noises.

[Wood chipper blades whirr and grind]

Jorja/Magnolia: Is there a window in the door? That Lucille is at?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. I'm just gonna open it. Like, a little bit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s um . . . looks to be a lot of blood in the room now.

Jorja/Magnolia: I fully open it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There looks to be a lot of blood. In the room.

Jorja/Magnolia: Only blood?

Olive/Timmit: Is there any violin music anymore?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There is a violin sitting on the ground.

[sorrowful violin tune plays]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and as a transcriber, so if that sounds like you, please shoot us a DM or an email, and that email is portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on a bunch of social media that you should check out including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @PortalQuandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Olive/Timmit: I dunno we can hope for the best, but it depends on where you morali - mah. Blugh. Eh. Ugh. So yeah. I don’t know where you guys . . morally stand with-

[sound of pencil being dropped]

Olive/Timmit: Fuck. I don’t know where you guys morally stand- *starts laughing*. I dunno where you guys morally stand with, you know-

[Laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let the man say his line!

Jorja/Magnolia: *laughing* He has, like, six times!

Olive/Timmit: Are we ready to take this seriously? “Um. Yeah. I dunno. It’s a. . . tough spot. Just depends on morally where you stand.”

[Pause. Laughter]

Olive/Timmit: What. Why?

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean you got it out okay!

-

Olive/Timmit: I mean we have to actually get back from Exanimus. Or, as I’ve written in my journal here, ‘Sexanimussy.’

Jorja/Magnolia: Haha, he made it better!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was about to say. . . the King bursts into tears of joy. 

Steven/Noah: Exanimussy?

[Olive laughing]

Jorja/Magnolia: Same.

-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was about to say that she puts your bag in her bag- I’m like, ‘that’s an explosion.’

Olive/Timmit: That’s the end of the world.

Jorja/Magnolia: My brother you just killed the campaign, what the fuck.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: Cleary, what the heck man?

(note - a bag of holding can’t go into another bag of holding or bad things happen due to pocket dimension shenanigans)

-

Steven/Noah: That’s phallic tower.

Olive/Timmit: It’s mephallic.

Jorja/Magnolia: Necro. . . philia?

Olive/Timmit: No. No. METALLIC and PHALLIC. Mephallic, not nec. . . no.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t know where you’re going with it?

-

Steven/Noah: Noah has the weirdest boner right now.

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s alright. We can’t tell.

Steven/Noah: That’s why Noah did it.

Jorja/Magnolia: Is that another thumbs up?

-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You‘re pretty sure you see a silhouette in the window.

Jorja/Magnolia: Is it . . . twink-sized?

[Laughter]

Olive/Timmit: What is - what is- what - what is that.

Steven/Noah: It’s just a twink.

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s nothing to be scared of, it’s just a twink.

Olive/Timmit: Oh! Oh okay, totally fine then. Alright.

Steven/Noah: They’re more scared of you than you are of them.

Jorja/Magnolia: If they - if they get too brave just put your arms up.

Steven/Noah: Can we investigate the footprints? Are they twink-shaped?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s uh . . size ten men’s . . .uh, suit shoe.

Jorja/Magnolia: Twink.