Olive: Hi, you’re listening to Portal Quandary. There’s stuff in here that you might not like, so check out the episode description just in case.
Theme Song: [rock music plays]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello, welcome back to episode seven of Portal Quandary: Atrius. Last we left, Indigo was about to roll initiative with three guards (question mark). Dayrl and Pookie have just arrived at the front of the museum.
Rosie/Pookie: Hello.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Andres is clinging to Thaumus’s arm after blowing their cover.
Steven/Andres: She is mother.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, we’re going to start with Pookie and Daryl quickly. You’re at the reception of the museum. There’s a little lady at the desk being like:
Tyrone/Worker: “Hi, how’s it going? Are you coming in?”
Olive/Daryl: “Oh, hello there. Yes, yeah, yeah. We were just inquiring about this lovely museum. We say these pamphlets and thought that we might get more familiar with your culture.”
Tyrone/Worker: “Well, doesn’t that just sound lovely. Do you have any questions, or you can just go right on in on the left here, and by the end you’ll come out on the right.”
Olive/Daryl: “Beautiful, I don’t think so. It’s alright to bring my cat, yes?”
Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “
Olive/Daryl: “Don’t worry, it is a service animal.”
Tyrone/Worker: “I don't know what that means, but sure.”
Olive/Daryl: “Wonderful.”
Rosie/Pookie: “A service animal, really?”
Olive/Daryl: “Look, it’s a cover, alright? I know you’re not. I know you add a valuable and worthwhile element to this team and to our bonding, I just want to say that I’m sorry I did not clear that with you before saying that. I’m sorry.”
Rosie/Pookie: “You could have said something much more important like I am the cat who advises the city bosses.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m assuming this is all telepathy?
Rosie/Pookie: Yes.
Olive/Daryl: “The who? The what?”
Rosie/Pookie: “The bosses of the city.”
Olive/Daryl: “Oh, the bosses. I thought you said the botters.”
Tyrone/Worker: “Sorry sir, why are you talking to yourself?”
Olive/Daryl: “This is- I beg your pardon. I tell you I have a service animal, and then you ask a very insensitive question like that. Madam, please do your mind your own business if you wouldn’t mind.”
Tyrone/Worker: “Alright, Jesus. Just head on in, yeah.”
Olive/Daryl: “Thank you very much.”
Rosie/Pookie: I’m going to talk into her mind and say, “Also, your hair has a stray.”
Tyrone/Worker: “Hello? Huh? Huh?”
Rosie/Pookie: “Goodbye then.”
Olive/Daryl: I’ll very quickly take her around the corner.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay. Quickly jumping over now to Andres.
Steven/Andres: Me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. Hello Andres.
Steven/Andres: Greetings.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have reached in front of the Kingsgrove with Thaumus. She’s had to walk down with you because otherwise she’d usually just fly, but she has to walk with you, and it’s twelve o’clock right now. She’s going to be like:
Tyrone/Thaumus: “You said that they would be here, didn’t you darling?”
Steven/Andres: “Yeah na, they said they’d be here. Let me check the radio.” I’ll switch it back on and, *radio* “Oi, is anyone there? Where the bloody hell are ya?”
Olive/Daryl: So, I would have been keeping an eye on the time. So, looking down at my watch, it’s twelve o’clock now?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Olive/Daryl: Cool. I’ll switch the radio back on and turn the volume down a bit. *radio* “Andres, how are you?”
Steven/Andres: *radio* “Ah, g’day Daryl. I’m pretty good. I’m here outside the tree. Where are you?”
Olive/Daryl: *radio* “We actually took a quick little detour down to the museum. We had a bit of time on our hands, so we figured-”
Steven/Andres: *radio* “Well, you didn’t. It’s twelve.”
Olive/Daryl: *radio* “I’m sorry. We’d be more than happy for you to meet us here if you’d like. We just got here, so we’d like to take a look at the space and see if there’s anything else that we can scrounge up.”
Steven/Andres: *radio* “Has anyone rolled initiative yet?”
Olive/Daryl: *radio* “Not that I’m aware of, no.”
Steven/Andres: *radio* “Alright then, I’ll leg it and meet you there.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beautiful segue. Indigo.
Jorja/Indigo: Yes?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are disguised in front of these men.
Jorja/Indigo: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is twelve o’clock. I’m not sure how closely we’re paying attention to the time-
Jorja/Indigo: Not at all.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not at all. Okay. Indigo. Wonderful. Let’s roll initiative, Indigo.
Jorja/Indigo: Yes, it will be good. I promise.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: Could have been better.
Steven/Andres: Pretty mid
Rosie/Pookie: That was so mid.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you get Indigo?
Jorja/Indigo: I got like a million.
Rosie/Pookie: I saw it.
Jorja/Indigo: And by that I mean fourteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah, that’s alright. That’s alright, that’s alright, that’s alright.
Jorja/Indigo: I’m going last.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
Jorja/Indigo: Okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Welcome to combat.
Jorja/Indigo: Thank you. Welcome.
[a siren builds up to dark synthwave music]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re not going first.
Jorja/Indigo: I’m aware.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re aware? Okay. This guy right in front of you actually, he’s immediately going to cast Enlarge on himself.
Jorja/Indigo: Not on me? That’s crazy.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s crazy. Fairies, however, are small creatures, so he’s going to grow to your height.
Jorja/Indigo: Oh, meet me at my level.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’ll be like:
Tyrone/Guard 1: “I think you should step out of here right now, okay?”
Jorja/Indigo: “I think I’d like to stay.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s actually just going to pass his turn because he’s a little unsure about what’s happening with you.
Jorja/Indigo: Same.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Same?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This second guy though, he’s going to come up to be in between the first guy and you. He’s going to come around the corner, and he’s also going to cast Enlarge on himself. Fun fact: did you know that fairies get Enlarge/Reduce as a racial feature?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
Yeah.
Rosie/Pookie: I just never used it last season. I forgot.
Tyrone/Guard 2: “So, who sent you then? You reckon you’re one of us. Who sent you? What’s their name?”
Jorja/Indigo: Can I do a history check of some kind?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can attempt it, sure.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: A total of twenty-one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. From the museum, you remember these paintings about the exile of The Summer Court, and you remember the name Demeter run a bell as the head of the people who exiled them.
Jorja/Indigo: “I’m here for Demeter. What are you doing?”
Tyrone/Guard 2: “I don’t know. She knows what she’s talking about.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving down to your turn now. What are you up to?
Jorja/Indigo: Uh-huh. That’s a great fucking question. I don’t know what’s in the room behind them, do I?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, they’ve just come out with paintings.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, I’m just going to click my finger, and from behind the second guy - in that corner there - I’m going to cast Shatter.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
Jorja/Indigo: So, Con saves please from all of them.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you in that as well though.
Jorja/Indigo: No, because it’s right at the back.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ten.
Jorja/Indigo: Fail.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Another ten.
Jorja/Indigo: Fail.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Did you see that?
Olive/Daryl: I witnessed that. That was brutal.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s three tens in a row. I rolled three fives.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: Ooo, I rolled like shit. Ten damage, and it’s really fucking loud.
Olive/Daryl: You can hear it up to three hundred feet, right?
Jorja/Indigo: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie, Daryl, and Andres.
Steven/Andresl: Yeah?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can all hear it to varying degrees. You hear it faintly in the background, Andres.
Steven/Andresl: Can I ask what it sounds like because you cast Shatter before. Is it the same Shatter?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, you’d know it as, ‘Oop, that’s a Shatter.’
Steven/Andresl: ‘That’s an Indigo Shatter.’
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, so it’s going to sound as if you clicked into what we’re doing now - into a microphone - and just upped the volume, upped the bass, upped the reverb.
[cymbal crash with an echoing click]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a - what am I doing for memory? - Wisdom save please. You guys are welcome to as well, if you’d like.
Steven/Andresl: Wisdom save?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, because you guys have heard it before.
Steven/Andresl: Just to see if I should run towards or to run away. I’m going to cast Guidance on myself.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andresl: I rolled an eight, but I do have a plus six, so I got a fourteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fourteen. What did you guys get?
Rosie/Pookie: Think Stranger Things plus one, so twelve.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice, and you?
Olive/Daryl: I got a sixteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fourteen, sixteen, twelve. So, you all hear it regardless. Pookie, I don’t think you remember, but Daryl, that does sound like a familiar sound to you. You recognise it as a spell that Indigo has cast. Andres, it rings a bell. You’re like, ‘Someone can do something like that, can’t they?’ But you can’t place it as Indigo’s spell. You can just place it as something that you’ve heard from the group.
Steven/Andresl: Coming from the museum?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Steven/Andresl: I’m going to leg it.
Olive/Daryl: Daryl will instinctively go to reach for his hip and remember that the gun was left in the car. “Ah, dammit. Hey Pookie, stay very close to me. Do you understand me? This is not a joke. Alright, stay right behind me. Don’t leave. We’re going to go in,” and I’ll adeptly start making my way through the museum. Making a beeline, ignoring everything that’s going on. Just keeping an eye out for people.
Rosie/Pookie: So, I think that this a bit of a game at this point.
Jorja/Indigo: ‘This is really serious.’ ‘It must be a game.’
Rosie/Pookie: So, I’m going to do that thing that cat’s do when they think that the person is trying to play a game with them and run away. So, I’m going to be running around in front of Daryl’s legs and hiding out in little spots and jumping out.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can I please get you two to roll initiative as well.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah.
Jorja/Indigo: Beautiful.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you get?
Olive/Daryl: I got a twelve.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lovely.
Rosie/Pookie: Fifteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. tying this all back together after that enormous side-track: Shatter.
Jorja/Indigo: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see little bits of wood and canvas start flying from around the corner, as you’ve just shattered paintings (assumedly) from around the corner.
Jorja/Indigo: That’s fine. I don’t give a fuck.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Fuck art!’
Jorja/Indigo: ‘Art’s fucking boring!’
Rosie/Pookie: Oof.
Steven/Andres: You’re literally a Bard.
Jorja/Indigo: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anything else that you’d like to do with your turn?
Jorja/Indigo: Yes, of course. I’m going to use my Unsettling Words. To the one in front I’m going to say, “She’s not happy with you,” and the next saving throw that they make, I roll a d6 and subtract it from it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good lord, that’s your Bard feature?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, that’s nasty.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s like a teenager that just knows how to insult you.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, teenagers get you to the core, man. I stay put.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You stay put?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, pass turn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You pass the turn. Pookie.
Rosie/Pookie: Hello.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s now your go now that you’ve entered initiative.
Rosie/Pookie: I’m going to double my speed then.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice.
Rosie/Pookie: And I’m going to go towards whichever one is closest to me and just dart there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, are you going to head down the hallway towards you, or are you going to turn around and head back through reception and head through the exit?
Rosie/Pookie: Down the corridor. That’s quicker, right? It looks quicker.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s up to you.
Jorja/Indigo: Whatever Pookie thinks.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you’ve never been here before.
Olive/Daryl: It would really depend on which way he heard the sound come from.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
Olive/Daryl: Was it an all encompassing around us, or could we hear it better from one direction than the other?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You heard it diagonally opposite from the way that you’re facing right now. It’s through the walls. You don’t really know the layout of what’s inside. Alright Pookie, so I assume you’re using a Dash and doubling your speed for turn.
Rosie/Pookie: Yes, I forgot about Dashing. I was just going to double the speed, but yes, I shall be Dashing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that’s one hundred and twenty feet because it’s thirty to sixty doubled.
Jorja/Indigo: Yep.
Rosie/Pookie: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can we please move one hundred and twenty feet?
Rosie/Pookie: So close.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean yes. Daryl's like, ‘Stay close. Don’t you fucking run off,’ and you’re like, ‘Vroom!’
Olive/Daryl: Zoomies!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, just to recap what Pookie just did there. You started in a room with a big statue of a man. You run down the corridor, run through some paintings of - you don’t know what. You were running too fast to care. You run into another room where the walls are lined with big portraits of all these people.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay, for my action this turn. I’d like to sharpen my claws on a portrait.
Steven/Andres: You Dashed, my dear.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe not a portrait, but there’s the side of the wall that you’re next to. Maybe you could scratch the side of that?
Rosie/Pookie: I can’t reach a portrait?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, you’re in the middle of a room, darling.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh, I’ll just scratch the carpet then. Is it carpet?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it’s marble.
Rosie/Pookie: Alright, I’m going to throw up a hairball.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are hearing a hustle and a bustle from ahead of you. You hear lots of people. They’re like, ‘What was that? That was a really loud bang. What?’ Daryl, Pookie has just run away.
Olive/Daryl: That’s fine. That’s what we do.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is what it is.
Olive/Daryl: It is what it is. These walls…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes?
Olive/Daryl: Do they appear solid like brick, or if I quickly knock on them, can I tell if it would be…?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re pop-ups, so it’s not plywood. It would be thicker than plywood, but they’re painted white wood.
Olive/Daryl: I’ll turn around, and I’ll, “Alright, you’ve got this.” I’ll pat my shoulder, and then I’m going to run straight up to that wall.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
Olive/Daryl: I’m going to try to bust through it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to Kool-Aid Man.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah!
Jorja/Indigo: Oh yeah!
Olive/Daryl: He sees Pookie zooming off, and he’s like, “Woah, that was rather quick. Alright. See, I know that the sound came from that direction. Whether or not Pookie goes there or not, someone needs my help. That way, who knows what I need to do, so there’s a wall there. I can get through it. Hopefully there’s something on the other side.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an unarmed strike.
Olive/Daryl: Ah yeah, sure.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, or Athletics. I don’t know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m currently Googling the HP of a wooden wall.
Jorja/Indigo: It does exist.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: That’s a sixteen to hit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That does hit a wooden wall’s AC.
Olive/Daryl: Beautiful.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Damage, which I believe has been upgraded recently in our feats.
Olive/Daryl: It has.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Ah, four damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How have you gone? You’ve shoulder-barged it?
Olive/Daryl: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah? I’ll say you’ve put a hole in the wall, but just big enough for your shoulder. You haven’t gone through the wall.
Olive/Daryl: “Ah! Fuck! Okay, alright. Mental note, that’s two dollars in the swear jar. Alright, one more!” And I’m going to Action Surge.
Jorja/Indigo: Ah!
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Yeah, unnatural twenty.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Another four points of damage, and I’m going to thrust my foot into the wall just below where the shoulder is to kick the rest of the wall out.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A Google search has come up that a wall of wood has fifteen points of HP per inch of thickness.
Olive/Daryl: Oh shit.
Rosie/Pookie: How many inches is that wall?
Steven/Andres: You can’t ask a wall that.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Apparently, it had an AC of fifteen, so I’m going to say that you’ve gone through at least half of its HP, so you haven’t got enough to get through, but Pookie is standing right there and sees a foot go through it and shoulder go into it, and you can see that there’s a bit of damage to the wall.
Rosie/Pookie: So, there’s nothing poking through?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You saw the foot go through.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah, the third and final guy…
Jorja/Indigo: Let’s go.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s go. He’s stuck around the corner.
Jorja/Indigo: Sucker. Fucking idiot. Your mum doesn’t even like you. Off hand Vicious Mockery.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, he’s going to walk up to where his mate is in the corner there. He’s going to share that space, and he’s going to cast Misty Step.
Jorja/Indigo: Fuck! I’m fucked!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’ll see him disappear in a cloud of smoke-
[shimmering chimes]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: -and appear what that door is, so about twenty-five feet up the hallway.
Rosie/Pookie: Is the door open or closed?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Closed.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to conjure this ice in his hand. You can hear it crackle in the air, and I have to make a ranged spell attack.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a twenty-five to hit.
Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to use a reaction to Silvery Barbs.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does that go down?
Jorja/Indigo: So, I turn around and wiggle my little finger. Uh-uh-uh
Steven/Andres: No, no, no.
Jorja/Indigo: Oh no, no, no.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, no, no. no.
Jorja/Indigo: And so he has disadvantage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a natural one.
Olive/Daryl: Yes!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Haiya.
Jorja/Indigo: Part of the spell is that I can then choose a different creature to get advantage, so he goes to cast whatever ice magic it is, and it fizzles as it gets to me, but then I embrace it into me, and I give myself advantage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s taichi stuff. I’m here for this. Back to the top of the round now because that guy is ashamed for life.
Steven/Andres: Where am I?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can roll initiative now that we’re back at the top of the round.
Steven/Andres: I’m going to give myself Guidance because I’ve still got it.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: I rolled a four on both dice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yikes.
Steven/Andres: Four and four and four is twelve.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You rolled a twelve.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah, my Dex is a plus three.
Steven/Andres: Mine is a plus four.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay Andres, you can put yourself in the front to the door on the outside.
Olive/Daryl: You walk in to see Daryl ripping his foot out of the wall and backing up, ready to run through it again.
Steven/Andres: True, I would be able to see Daryl!
Jorja/Indigo: And this bitch is like, ‘What the fuck!?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s got a red gem out and is like:
Tyrone/Worker: “Hi, how quick can you get here!?”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, what does this do? This guy in the corner, he’s going to step into the space of the Rogue because I think you can do that. The Rogue, yes.
Jorja/Indigo: So, he’s a Rogue.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to put his hands together in a cone and make a big blizzard shape.
Jorja/Indigo: That’s not good.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you’re going to have to make a Constitution saving throw please, but I believe that you have advantage on this, right?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: Seventeen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seventeen… DC…? Okay, you have succeeded on the save.
Jorja/Indigo: Half damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, you take half damage.
Jorja/Indigo: Fuck.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven, so you’ve taken five cold damage. He can’t move through your space though, so he’s going to step back into the corner. The guy that’s still directly in front of you is going to pull out a knife.
Jorja/Indigo: A gun!
Rosie/Pookie: A knife!
Steven/Andres: A knife! No!
Olive/Daryl: No!
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven to hit.
Jorja/Indigo: Miss.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Miss. He is going to bonus action Disengage and step back around the corner.
Steven/Andres: He is a Rogue!
Jorja/Indigo: You bitch!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You bitch. So, one guy is down and around the corner behind that wall. Indigo, you’re up.
Jorja/Indigo: Beautiful, everyone is within thirty feet of me, so I’m going to cast Bane, so can I get a Charisma save from all of them please?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you have to see them? Because that guy just went around the corner.
Jorja/Indigo: Oh yeah, he went way far back. I see, I see, I see. I'll still do it, but for the two at the top. I don’t care about that other guy.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure, and that guy in the corner I believe has disadvantage on his next… Or was that only until his turn?
Jorja/Indigo: No, it’s until the start… Ah, let me read it. Oh yes, ‘before the start of my next turn,’ so no.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I just rolled two twos. What the fuck.
Jorja/Indigo: Tutu.
Rosie/Pookie: I thought the same thing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Two threes.
Jorja/Indigo: Fail.
Steven/Andres: What?
Jorja/Indigo: So weird, I know. So, any saving throw or attack roll that it makes has a negative d4.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which comes out as… How does it manifest?
Jorja/Indigo: There’s floating hands. Like a Mage Hand, but there's two on each covering their eyes and ears, so it makes it harder for them to see and hear.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I love that. That’s fucking terrifying.
Jorja/Indigo: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anything else for your turn?
Steven/Andres: At least they’re not my Mage Hands.
Jorja/Indigo: That’s true.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Skeles.
Jorja/Indigo: For my bonus action, I will transform into my bestial appearance, so my speed increases by ten feet and I gain six temporary hit points. So yeah, her ears grow a little bit pointy, her nose gets more pointy with little bits of hairs, and she starts gnawing at the bars on the cage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s terrifying. What cage?
Jorja/Indigo: What?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What? Huh?
Jorja/Indigo: Huh? And then they Disengaged from me. It didn’t sound like the third guy ran too far, did it? It sounded like he backed up slowly and stopped?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
Jorja/Indigo: So, I’m going to assume he’s not running away, so I’m going to run to the guy that’s…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Down the corridor.
Jorja/Indigo: Down the corridor, yep. ‘Hello, I will stand here too. Where are you going?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Sup?’
Steven/Andres: They might kiss. Mwa, mwa, mwa, and they’re both boys.
Jorja/Indigo: They’re kissing and they’re boys.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s your go?
Jorja/Indigo: That is my turn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie.
Rosie/Pookie: Hello.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re in this room where you’ve seen Daryl’s foot and shoulder come through the wall.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay, so I can use an action to Dash, right? Which gets me up to sixty feet?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Rosie/Pookie: Which would get me - If I go back to Daryl - five, ten, and then I go back. Thirty-five, forty, forty-five, fifty, fifty-five, sixty. Perfect.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you going to do without an action though?
Rosie/Pookie: I can make a spell into a bonus action, but can I also lick the foot just for free? Can I lick the foot?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who’s foot are you licking?
Rosie/Pookie: Daryl’s.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If the foot’s still there. I assumed he pulled it back.
Rosie/Pookie: Is the foot still there?
Not quite. I put it through, and I’m getting ready to pull it back to try again.
Rosie/Pookie: I’m going to obviously see the foot, get very startled, quickly Dash back, give it a sniff and a lick just to make sure that it is a friendly foot. It’s a friendly foot, so I’m going to run through the corridor and then up the hall towards the evil things.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, so you’re not helping him? You just wanted to see what was going on?
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just wanted to give him a lick.
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, just curious.
Steven/Andres: How does Pookie open the door?
[laughter]
Olive/Daryl: Go on, run through it.
Rosie/Pookie: I didn’t think about that. Okay, what type of door handle is it? It’s not round, is it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is round.
Rosie/Pookie: The one type I can’t open.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it is a round one.
Rosie/Pookie: Alright yeah, so for my bonus action I’m going to scratch on the door and make the cutest little meow that I can to get the guard to open it. Like, the most hopeless sound that I can possibly make.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see that there is someone standing on the other side of the door.
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, and I’m trying to make them think that there’s this cute, lost, little cat that needs help.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So Indigo, you run up to this guard, and front he other side of the door next to him you hear *meows*.
Rosie/Pookie: No, not like that. It’s more like *meows*.
Jorja/Indigo: My saviour is here.
Olive/Daryl: Alright, so that’s my turn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. It moves to Andres now. He’s kicked in the way. You just walked in-
Steven/Andres: Damn, I wanted you to get through the door first.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: -to see Daryl kicking through the wall, and the receptionist is calling for help on her little gem.
Steven/Andres: Right, I was looking at what spells I might be able to use to help you get through this wall. None of them is the answer to that.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You could Dimension Door if you really want.
Steven/Andres: How could I use Dimension Door?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s anywhere you can see, so if you can see through the hole in the wall.
Olive/Daryl: I was sure that Dimension Door was any space within a range. I didn’t think it was sight related.
Jorja/Indigo: Not sight related. It can be a place that you can see, or you can visualise, or one that you can describe by distance and direction.
Steven/Andres: I’ll visualise. Can I remember where the sound was?
Olive/Daryl: There also was a Cone of Cold that was let loose. How loud would that have been?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why don’t you roll a Perception?
Steven/Andres: I’m still concentrating on Guidance.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: Seventeen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, I’m going to say that you could hear the Cone of Cold only because you are very familiar with the sounds of blizzards and icy related sounds.
Steven/Andres: My patron is on my shoulder being like, ‘Oh my god, someone is doing a blizzard. Did you hear that?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Oh my god, they’re coming for our gig. Find them.’
Jorja/Indigo: Kill.
Steven/Andres: ‘This bitch is doing ice magic. Kill them.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Kill them.’
Steven/Andres: So, sorry Daryl, but I cannot reach you and use Dimension Door, so I’m going to see that he’s got this, and I’m going to Dimension Door to where the ice was.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Describe Dimension Door.
Steven/Andres: Yeah, so I’m going to look and visualise the blizzard that was there, and at my feet a little blizzard, snowstorm flurry is going to appear, and then I’m going to seemingly disappear, and then in the point of range of the little blizzard area is going to form, and I’m going to appear at that one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes Indigo, a snowstorm has just appeared behind you, and you did just hear a little Cone of Cold situation before, but this time Andres has appeared behind you.
Steven/Andres: Hey queen.
Jorja/Indigo: Hey.
Rosie/Pookie: Who are you, Elsa? Get it?
Steven/Andres: Let it go.
Rosie/Pookie: That was good.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have movement and a bonus action.
Steven/Andres: I’m going to use my bonus action to activate my Form of Dread, so once I have appeared in this snowstorm, I’m then going to look dead and dying.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh god.
Steven/Andres: My hair is going to grow out again, and it’s going to look like I’m all wispy and underwater. I’m going to extend my white cloak above my fingertips so that you can’t see them anymore, and it’s going to look like I’m floating.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This guard is looking wide-eyed at you like, ‘Who the fuck is this guys?’
Steven/Andres: It’s Brittney, bitch. I’m going to roll…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Temp hit points?
Steven/Andres: Yeah.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: So, I have six temporary hit points.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice.
Steven/Andres: And I have movement. Yeah sure, I’m going to stand back to back with Indigo.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice. Squad goals.
Steven/Andres: And she’s seen this form before, so she knows me.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, this is fine.
Steven/Andres: And I’ve seen her form before, so it’s fine.
Jorja/Indigo: Yipee! It all works out.
Steven/Andres: We’re both transformed, and we’re not going to talk about it.
Jorja/Indigo: Nope.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We don’t talk about each other.
Jorja/Indigo: It’s normal.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That brings us up to Dazza.
Olive/Daryl: Alrighty, I’m going to pull the foot back out through the wall, and then I’ll back up ten feet. “Alright, one more. Here we go. Come on, you’ve got this. Argh!”
Jorja/Indigo: ‘Argh!’
Olive/Daryl: I’m going to burst through the wall one more time. Come on.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Seventeen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a success.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Seven points of damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ay! You Kool-Aid Man through this wall.
Olive/Daryl: Yes, I burst through, and I take a look around and don’t see anyone. “Oh, alright. Well, I remember it coming from this direction, so let’s head that way.” Just move me ten feet to the right. That’s it. That was my action.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, it is the guy in the corner. Wait no, he’s moved. He’s over there next to Indigo.
Jorja/Indigo: Heya.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Heya, how are you doing?
Jorja/Indigo: Pretty good, how are you doing?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think this guy is going to follow up with the same shit that the other guy did but from the other side this time. We’re going to go again with a nice cone of ice heading towards both of you this time.
[rushing ice ending with cracking ice]
Steven/Andres: Who put me there?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You did!
Jorja/Indigo: You’re literally in control.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, I require a Constitution saving throw from both of you.
Steven/Andres: Why!? Who’s asking!? This is bullshit!
Jorja/Indigo: Who is this?
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: I got a five.
Jorja/Indigo: Dirty twenty.
Steven/Andres: Can’t we just both have twelve and a half.
Olive/Daryl: Can’t we meet in the middle?
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Indigo, I guess you manage to turn your back in time. I don’t know. You’ve taken half of seventeen, which makes eight cold damage, but you’ve turned to the side and let Andres take it all, which is seventeen cold damage.
Jorja/Indigo: ‘Thanks for coming!’
Steven/Andres: Seventeen, you reckon?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, you’ve also got ice surrounding you, which it already was, but now you can’t move until you use an action to break it away.
Steven/Andres: The ice has betrayed me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He is, as a bonus action - he is hearing this meowing, and he is going to turn and open the door. ‘What the fuck?’ He’ll look down and look at you and close the door again.
Rosie/Pookie: No! Horrid. Simply horrid.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Horrid.
Jorja/Indigo: Is that the end of his turn?
Rosie/Pookie: Wait, did Indigo see me?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah? Yeah.
Rosie/Pookie: Neat.
Jorja/Indigo: Yep, I’m definitely going to do something about that later.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is the end of his turn.
Jorja/Indigo: Perfect, I’m going to use my reaction to move ten feet back.
Rosie/Pookie: No!
Jorja/Indigo: I don't have any melee things.
Steven/Andres: Ten feet behind me?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, behind Andres. And say, “You should be worried about the cat,” and squiggle back,
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve now got this other guy on the other side because it’s his turn again.
Jorja/Indigo: I’m soaking up damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Look, I don’t mean to sound like a broken record, but I think that they're going to do the same thing again. They see that Andres is caught, but they see that you’re still evading it, and they’re like, ‘Get back here, you little bitch.’
Jorja/Indigo: I’m a child. What the fuck?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s another Con save please.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: Oh god.
Jorja/Indigo: I think that one gets me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, what have you got?
Jorja/Indigo: Eleven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.
Steven/Andres: Thirteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You both got got.
Steven/Andres: Oh god.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s twenty cold damage.
Steven/Andres: I’m down.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re down?
Steven/Andres: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Here we go.
Jorja/Indigo: Brother, how do I have more health than you?
Steven/Andres: I’m a warlock.
Jorja/Indigo: Oh, true.
Olive/Daryl: ‘Pookie, I reckon we ought to just cut our losses, mate. It’s not sounding too good on the other side of that door.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Indigo, your speed is also reduced to zero.
Rosie/Pookie: Should have opened that door.
Olive/Daryl: Oh fuck.
Jorja/Indigo: Okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That moves to the guy around the corner.
Olive/Daryl: Quick question: does the door open towards Pookie or towards the other guy?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it’d have to open towards him.
Olive/Daryl: Beautiful.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going to barge it open?
Olive/Daryl: Oh, I’ve got an idea.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Alright, I’ll bonus action Dash so that i can get right up to you, and I want to grapple - is my instinct. I know your speed is already reduced to zero, but he wants to get an arms behind the back situation.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ve rolled a four.
Jorja/Indigo: Thank god.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I have zero bonuses.
Jorja/Indigo: I rolled an eleven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice. He’s going to try to grab your arms.
Jorja/Indigo: Eww. “I’m a child!”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, he’s going to stand in front of you to get ready to do that again next turn. It does move to your turn.
Jorja/Indigo: I will use my bonus action to just say, “Please get back up. I need your help. Please, please, please.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘I need an adult.’
Jorja/Indigo: “I need an adult. I’m scared.” I will Healing Word Andres.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: Seven hit points.
Steven/Andres: Thanks queen.
Jorja/Indigo: You’re welcome.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s back up.
Jorja/Indigo: And with my action I will Sorcerous Burst the one in front of me. It is ranged though.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: That’s alright. I rolled the same number twice. It would have been disadvantage, but it’s the same fucking roll. That would be a seventeen to hit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That hits.
Jorja/Indigo: Yes!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes!
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: So, I can choose the damage, I think. Yeah, ‘of my choice.’ If I roll an eight on the d8, I get to roll another d8.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which you just did?
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, I rolled an eight.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love.
Jorja/Indigo: So, I’ll do that again.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: One, so nine damage, and I’m going to choose probably not cold. That seems not like a good idea. I will choose acid.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus fuck! Ow! So, what does this look like? What are you doing to this guy?
Jorja/Indigo: As he tries to grapple me, I’m going to put my hand right in his face and say, “Don’t touch me,” and shoot acid.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s like pepper spray.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
[aerosol]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ow. Yeah, you can see the leaves and feathers that are around him singe and melt away a little bit.
Jorja/Indigo: Nice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anything else?
Jorja/Indigo: No, if I move I’ll die, so I’ll just stand there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s fair. Your speed is zero at the moment anyhow. It does move to Pookie. What have you got for us, Pookie?
Rosie/Pookie: Do you reckon that Wither and Bloom can go through a wall? It just says ‘upon a ten foot radius centred on a point within range.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If it’s a radius, maybe. I think so. I don’t think that you can make the point beyond the door, but the radius can extend beyond the door.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay, I’m going to cast Wither and Bloom, which is a spell, which means that I roll on the magic chart. Teehee.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Instead of that, I’m going to make you automatically roll on the wild magic chart. Thanks to your Tides of Chaos.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh, is that what that means?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, so you forgo rolling the d20, and you can automatically roll the d100.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh no.
Steven/Andres: The spell goes first though, doesn’t it? Before the chaos.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it does, sorry. So, let’s resolve the spell.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, ‘a ten foot radius sphere. Each creature has to make a Constitution save?’
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ve rolled a nine Constitution save.
Rosie/Pookie: In that case, you take two d6 necrotic damage.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Ten damage.
Steven/Andres: I picture that there’s an exhibit like, ‘and this is the first flower that we used to brew our tea from.’ *depleting sound*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because you’re currently in a corridor and you’ve got a room on either side, so it has seeped through into both of those rooms as well.
Rosie/Pookie: Excellent.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There are definitely people in that room to the right.
Rosie/Pookie: And Andres…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Andres can roll one of your hit dice?
Rosie/Pookie: Yep, what’s a hit dice?
Steven/Andres: I roll your hit dice?
Jorja/Indigo: You’re a sorcerer, so it’s a six. A d6.
Steven/Andres: Thank you so much. Can I roll mine?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s your hit dice?
Steven/Andres: My hit dice?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does say, ‘one creature of your choice in that area can spend and roll one of its unspent hit dice.’
Steven/Andres: Oh, thank god. Mine’s a d8. That’s better.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh. Yeah.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: Especially when you get an eight. Plus your spell modifier?
Rosie/Pookie: Plus four.
Steven/Andres: Twelve.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice.
Rosie/Pookie: Nice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How much changes in a round is unbelievable.
Rosie/Pookie: I know, right?
Steven/Andres: I just got here.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just got here and they’re like, pew, pew, pew.
Steven/Andres: *Dying sounds. Waking sounds*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does Wither and Bloom look like?
Rosie/Pookie: So, it looks like these cool, little… Imagine Tinkerbell, right? The little sparkles that come off of Tinkerbell go through the room, but in them are also some really smelling fuzzy, furry-looking mould things, but the good ones go to Andres, and the evil ones go to everyone else and all the vegetation that’s non-magical, and it… Oh, Oh, I know! Have you guys seen Fern Gully?
Olive/Daryl: Oh, yeah.
Rosie/Pookie: You know when all of the trees wilt and it’s all sad? Think of that. That’s exactly it.
Olive/Daryl: Okay, now I’m just sad.
Rosie/Pookie: You’re welcome.
Steven/Andres: Andres is still wilted and sad, but it helped.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Please roll a d100.
Jorja/Indigo: Let’s go!
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: How do I roll a d100?
Jorja/Indigo: You got a ninety-nine, dude.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh okay. With a ninety-nine, you regain all of your sorcerer points, which I think you still have them all.
Rosie/Pookie: I do still have them all. That’s so lame. Okay, for my bonus action, I’m going to chat to Daryl in his head.
Steven/Andres: Can I quickly ask: when the guy opened the door, I was standing there. Did you meow when the door was opened?
Rosie/Pookie: No, why’s that?
Steven/Andres: Okay. I don’t know that you’re there then. I don’t know where the healing is coming from?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘What the fuck?’ You have to see Daryl. I just had to look it up.
Rosie/Pookie: Do I? Why?
Jorja/Indigo: ‘Someone that you can see.’
Rosie/Pookie: Oh.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You could just speak out loud if you wanted to.
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, okay. You hear, “Hello, can somebody please open the door. I appear to be quite stuck.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Now you hear Pookie from the other side of the door.
Steven/Andres: “Thanks Pookie.”
Rosie/Pookie: “Oh hello, you’re welcome. Can you please come and let me out? I would quite like to do some destruction.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is your turn.
Steven/Andres: Oh, shit. What are the Action actions around opening a door?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Reaction-
Jorja/Indigo: Free action.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
Jorja/Indigo: Object interaction is free action.
Steven/Andres: Can I open it through this man, or is he in my way?
Rosie/Pookie: Through the man.
Jorja/Indigo: You put your hand through his torso and open it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to say yes. You can’t enter his space, but you can put your arm in.
Steven/Andres: ‘Excuse me. I'm not trying to touch your arse. I’m just trying to open the door.’ Sure, I’m going to open the door.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The door is open Pookie.
Rosie/Pookie: *meows*
Steven/Andres: Hey queen. And then I’m going to use a Warlock spell slot, which is a second level spell slot, and I’m going to cast Inflict Wounds on this fucker.
Jorja/Indigo: Let’s go.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh god.
Steven/Andres: Because I’m annoyed.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you have to roll a thing?
Jorja/Indigo: I forgot to roll my Con saves for Bane, but I also forgot to tell you that there’s a negative d4 for everything.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean, I failed them both.
Jorja/Indigo: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank fuck.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: I got a twenty-one to hit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That hits.
Steven/Andres: Stunning. I’m casting this at second level, so that’s four d10.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: Twenty-five necrotic damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How would you like to kill a man?
[laughter]
Steven/Andres: Is my patron watching?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, she’s always here. It’s a Warlock spell, so…
Steven/Andres: As I go to reach out and touch this guy, I’ll be like, “Is this one good enough?” And then he will - at the touch - begin to decay and go all gross and decrepit and fall into a pile of bones and dust.
Tyrone/Celestor: “Yes”
Steven/Andres: Mummy’s happy with me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Andres opens the door, Pookie, and you see him disintegrate a man in front of you.
Steven/Andres: One arm on the door, one arm on the man.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good lord. Yeah, you see your patron - just Andres. No-one else can see - she’s going to linger around this new body.
Steven/Andres: Her hands steepled. And then…
Jorja/Indigo: Who has the painting? Who’s holding onto it? Which one? The one that was in front to begin with?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, I’m pretty sure he’s the guy still in the corner.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, he is.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because that guy was at the back before. The one that just died.
Steven/Andres: Yeah, I’m going to move down the corridor away from these people and their ice hands. I nearly died. Yeah, that’s it.
Rosie/Pookie: Bye.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Indigo, do you quickly want to roll your concentration check?
Jorja/Indigo: Gone.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Gone?
Jorja/Indigo: Yep, gone.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’d like to think that you contributed to those two guys failing though.
Olive/Daryl: Yes, that was me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Andres… Daryl. Hi Daryl.
Olive/Daryl: Hello. I’m going to walk thirty feet towards Pookie.
Rosie/Pookie: Yay. Heyo.
Olive/Daryl: “Hey, Pookie. I mean, the door’s open. Are you alright?”
Rosie/Pookie: “Oh yes, I’m quite fine. I’m ready.”
Olive/Daryl: “Alright, okay. Well…”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You look up ahead, and you see the disintegrated corpse of a guy.
Olive/Daryl: “Oh my god, who is…? What happened?”
Steven/Andres: “Oi Daryl, is that you?”
Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, Andres, what’s the deal? What’s going on?”
Steven/Andres: “I killed him.”
Olive/Daryl: “ *Stuttering* You did what?”
Steven/Andres: “I just reached out and killed him.”
Olive/Daryl: “I don’t- Andres, don’t say that again. Don’t.”
Rosie/Pookie: “I saw the whole thing. It was brilliant.”
Olive/Daryl: “Shut the fuck up, Pookie. Sorry, sorry. Andres, don’t open your mouth again. Shut up.”
Steven/Andres: “Mhmm.”
-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I hope you’re enjoying episode seven, combat episodes are always so much fun to showcase everyone’s awesome abilities. However, we need you to be an NPC in our show. We’re naming NPCs after listeners this season, so if you want to have a character named after you, just head over to our Instagram and check out the pinned post. All you need to do is share that to your story, and be sure to tag us so we see it! We didn’t have any new listener names in this episode, but there’s always room for more, so get sharing. Let’s quickly head over to the ad where we support other creators in the TTRPG space.
Minds Never Matter Ad Read: “I have never had students cause so many issues at the Adventuring College of Elona, especially in their first year. So tell me, why is it always this group standing in front of me when something goes wrong? Sartheleon, you threw a knife at a student on the first day.” You pull out your knife, and it goes flying, and it sticks into the wall at the entrance at… A student standing there looks like... “Cecily, you punched a cop.” “Yeah, here they are officer.” You hear one of the ravens run past you and they go, “Yo Cecily. Cecily beat up a cop.” “Pogo kidnapped a student.” And Pogo tracks him down, grabs him, and puts him in the lecture hall. “And Emilia, you tried to kill a party member in front of everyone on family day.” She picks up the glass and presses it where an artery would be. “Not to mention Frederick in the corner over there is the reason that there isn't any green tea anywhere on campus. Wait, where’d Sartheleon go? A chicken leg? Really? Where did you even get one this size?” “It was Darkion” “I didn’t do it. I was over here doing my own bad thi- I mean, I wasn’t doing nothing.” “Both of you, stay right there. Sartheleon, don’t you get any closer to him. You already killed one of his party members, and we can’t handle another death on campus. I don’t get paid enough for this.” If you want to keep up with our not-quite heroes misadventures, listen to the Mind Over Matters podcast each Wednesday wherever you listen to podcasts, or drop us a follow on Instagram at Hilarity Saves RPG.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before we get back to the episode, I just want to talk about our Patreon. We’ve got tiers for every level of support. It doesn’t matter about your matter. The entry tier provides access to character and monster sheets, ad-free episodes, and this season we’re introducing maps. I’ve started upping my map game, and you can check them out on the lowest tier on Patreon. That middle tier provides all of that plus access to bonus episodes like our The Quiet Year mini-series telling the history of Prophis, the world of season two. That highest tier provides access to early access episodes, which are usually coming out between two and three weeks before official release. Anyway, I’ll let you get back to the episode. Episode eight is coming out Friday, May thirtieth. Enjoy.
-
[dark synthwave music fades in]
Olive/Daryl: That’s my turn. I’m done.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do still have movement, and action, and bonus action. Oh sorry, you still have action and bonus action.
Olive/Daryl: I do. Maybe I will use my action to Dash.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, after that brief conversation with Andres, you’re like, ‘What the fuck is going on in there?’
Olive/Daryl: Yeah, and I’ll very tentatively step my way into the hallway, making sure not to disturb the body.
Rosie/Pookie: Or Pookie.
Olive/Daryl: Or Pookie.
Steven/Andres: ‘I shall Dash and then walk.’
Jorja/Indigo: Tiptoe.
Olive/Daryl: Yes. I shall look over to see Andres and re-emphasize again. “Shh,” and then I’ll…
Steven/Andres: You’ll see this skeletal hand go up to my mouth.
Olive/Daryl: “Oh, bloody strife.” I’ll turn around and see Indigo.
Jorja/Indigo: Hey.
Olive/Daryl: And I’ll walk up to her, and I can’t go into her space, can I?
Jorja/Indigo: You can pass through your ally’s space or take up the same space, but I don’t think that you can stay in it, but you can pass through it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
Jorja/Indigo: No, so you can go in and out.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah, I’ll move the ten feet to get right behind her. “Indigo, are you alright? You don’t look too good.”
Jorja/Indigo: “ *coughs* “
Olive/Daryl: “It’s alright, stay calm. We’re going to get out of this.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright. He’s the one holding the portrait, so I think he’s going to cast Misty Step to jump to the door. How far is that? Okay, so he moved forward five feet and then teleported.
[mystical chiming]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to turn at Pookie and look ahead at Andres’s shit, and think that they can take the cat.
Steven/Andres: ‘They think.’
Olive/Daryl: ‘They think.’
Rosie/Pookie: They think wrong.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, they’re going to cast Gust.
Rosie/Pookie: That’s okay, I like wind.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have to make a Strength saving throw, please.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Good luck mate, twenty-one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh fuck. He’s going to beat his wings really fucking fast at you, but you manage to dig your claws in.
Rosie/Pookie: You know how cats fluff up and sit there loafing? That’s exactly what I’m doing. Staring at him unblinking.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I pictured that you were holding the door like, ‘I am getting through this door.’
Rosie/Pookie: I mean, that too. My paw is in the way of the door closing. There’s no way that this door is closing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that’s an action and a bonus action, so he’s going to stand there, I think. He’s panicking a bit, I think. It’s going to go to the other guy in front of Indigo.
Jorja/Indigo: Yee, yee.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to try and stab you again.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nineteen.
Jorja/Indigo: Nu-uh-uh. Silvery Barbs.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, that’s higher, so a nineteen.
Jorja/Indigo: That’s fine. I still give the advantage to Daryl.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Dazza.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seven.
Jorja/Indigo: Seven you say?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seven piercing damage.
Jorja/Indigo: Indigo slumps down on the ground.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh. Her feet are still frozen to the floor.
Jorja/Indigo: When does that end?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: After a minute, or until someone uses an action to break it away.
Jorja/Indigo: Okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think we’ve forgotten that on Andres who was frozen, but you’ve moved now, so oh well. Here we are.
Olive/Daryl: That’s just the way it goes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s just the way it is, isn’t it?
Steven/Andres: My patron helped me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, that’s it, isn’t it? Fuck. He’s going to stay there.
Jorja/Indigo: Sick.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that’s going to go to your turn now, Indigo.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: I rolled a five, so I have a failure.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s getting tense. Pookie.
Rosie/Pookie: Hello.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello, there’s a new bad guy blocking my way inside.
Rosie/Pookie: There are. Is. He there. So, I can't go past him, hey? Unless I cast Spider Climb and go over him, hey? And just another logistics question: I can’t stand in the spots that Daryl or Indigo are in, right?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can go there, but you can’t stay there at the end of your turn.
Olive/Daryl: Well, you could because you’re a tiny creature. You could sidle past, but he’ll get an opportunity of attack at you, so he’ll be able to take a swipe if he wishes, but that’s only if you move out of his five foot range. So, you could go to the right side of him next to where I am, but if you move into my space, he’ll be able to take a swipe at you.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh, interesting, and if I’m in that space next to him then I’m within ten feet of Indigo?
Olive/Daryl: Yes.
Rosie/Pookie: Interesting. Okay. Teehee. I should quite like to cast Chaos Bolt on the one in front of me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh god. Do it. You won’t do it, you’re scared.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay, I will. I think I will do it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, do it. Do it.
Olive/Daryl: It’s right next to him, so you’d be rolling with disadvantage.
Rosie/Pookie: I should quite like to use my Tides of Chaos to manipulate the forces of nature and choose to get advantage on one attack roll.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, that’ll cancel each other out, and you’ll be regular. Just a regular roll now.
Rosie/Pookie: Cool. Easy.
Steven/Andres: Just a regular roll from a regular cat.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Twenty-five.
Olive/Daryl: That is a good dice you’ve got there, mate.
Rosie/Pookie: It sure is, and now I have to roll a d6, right? To choose what the total damage is. No, a d8.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it two d8s?
Rosie/Pookie: Two d8s.
Steven/Andres: Two d8s and a d6, or something stupid.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: They both got one.
Jorja/Indigo: You rolled the same number though.
Rosie/Pookie: What’s this? Oh, that means that I get to roll again.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.
Rosie/Pookie: Alright, so the type of damage is acid damage. They got eight damage, and I get to roll again to a different target of my choice within thirty feet..
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, to the other guy, I assume. Yes.
Rosie/Pookie: To the other one, I’ll make a new attack roll and a new damage roll.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. This one would be at disadvantage.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Twelve.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A twelve?
Rosie/Pookie: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That does not hit, I’m afraid.
Rosie/Pookie: No. Okay, that’s okay. Now, I think I’m going to walk past that bad guy and stand just there next to Daryl. Oh, was I meant to roll on the wild magic chart just then because I cast a spell?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just now. You can roll that just now.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Seven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, nothing happens.
Rosie/Pookie: Nothing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, the next time you make a roll, make a note that it's a one or a two.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay. Okay, in that case, I’m going to continue walking past the other one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, you could do thirty feet at the other end of the red guy.
Rosie/Pookie: Yep, and then I go there, and I will do…
Steven/Andres: Are you doing anything? Punch a cat.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I’ll punch a cat.
Rosie/Pookie: Go on.
Jorja/Indigo: Pad it so it can feel it.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fifteen. Does a fifteen hit you?
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I kick you, and yet you feel nothing because I dealt zero damage.
Rosie/Pookie: Weaker than the gust of wind I had earlier.
Steven/Andres: ‘Are your shoes made of feathers?’
Rosie/Pookie: In that case, I’m going to cast Fire Bolt on the one I’m next to now.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a ranged spell, so I feel like you’d have disadvantage again, right?
Rosie/Pookie: Oh wait, is that how that works? Can I pick a different one?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Shocking Grasp, perhaps?
Rosie/Pookie: I’m going to do Shocking Grasp.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Nineteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That hits.
Rosie/Pookie: Excellent. Excellent.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Three damage, and you can’t take reactions until the start of your turn.
[buzzing electricity]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good to know. That moves it down to Andres.
Steven/Andres: Heyo.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This new guy has appeared at the door where… He’s standing on the corpse of the other guy actually.
Steven/Andres: Perfect. I won’t say anything this time.
Olive/Daryl: That’s my boy.
I’m going to use my movement to walk next to this guy. One might say I glide over in his direction. I’m first going to look past him, and I’m going to Spare the Dying on our gal pal, Indigo. So, from my Grave Domain, Spare the Dying is a range spell of thirty feet, and I can cast it as a bonus action, and so I extend a skeletal hand that gently caresses your face and nurses you back to health.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s stabilises, but still at zero?
Steven/Andres: Yes, that’s correct. So, she’s automatically stable, and then I will use my action to again-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cast Inflict Wounds again?
Steven/Andres: Cast Inflict Wounds at second level on this guy.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This guy is not going to make it out of this.
Steven/Andres: You tried to kick Pookie. Naughty, naughty.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: Oh, but this might not hit. That’s only a nine to hit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That does not hit.
Steven/Andres: Bugger. Not this time, mistress. But I got you up, so that’s fine. That’s it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay. It goes to Daryl.
Olive/Daryl: Seeing the skeletal hand come over the shoulder and very gracefully nurse Indigo back to health, I’ll see her, and I’ll catch her and place her against the wall as I shuffle past her, and then go to swing a fist at the other guard there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Punch a guy.
Olive/Daryl: Punch a guy.
Jorja/Indigo: With advantage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This may be important. Is it lethal or non-lethal damage?
Olive/Daryl: Non-lethal damage. With advantage because I got…
Jorja/Indigo: Indigo’s last dying wish for you to do well.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah. Yeah. I got the hecking things. Sweet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, the Silvery Barbs.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Beautiful. That is a… What is that? Twenty-two.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That hits, yes.
Olive/Daryl: Awesome sauce.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Four points of damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They are still up. They are not looking fantastic.
Olive/Daryl: That is fine with me because what’s going to happen is I’m going to use my bonus action to grapple them with my Tavern Brawler feat.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stop it, you. So, I get an Acrobatics or an Athletics.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to go Acrobatics.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty-one?
Olive/Daryl: That’s a thirteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean, he is a Rogue, so, ‘I tried to do that on her. You’re not going to do that on me, son.’
Olive/Daryl: “Bloody try me. Let’s go. Where do you think you’re going, mate?”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl’s like, ‘Trying to pick on a little girl. Look at you.’
Olive/Daryl: “Look at the state of her. What is the matter with you? You should know better.” Because Indigo is unconscious, can you move me into that spot please?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It brings itup to that guy. This guy is going to attempt to run. He is going to run through that door, down thirty feet.
Rosie/Pookie: Excuse me, that’s very rude.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s the guy with the painting.
Rosie/Pookie: Do I see this happening?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If he’s doing that freely, I’ll use my action to Dash.
Steven/Andres: I could punch him and deal zero damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful, he’s just run out of here.
Rosie/Pookie: Interesting.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That moves to the other guy up there. We’ve got Daryl and this guy in a bit of a fight now. He’s got a knife.
Rosie/Pookie: I forgot he had a knife.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s got a knife, so he’s going to try and stab Daryl.
Olive/Daryl: Bring it on.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fifteen?
Olive/Daryl: Fifteen does hit.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Makes eight piercing damage.
Olive/Daryl: Yep, that’s fine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. There’s nothing that he can do because he is actually trapped. He cannot move through any of you guys, so that moves it down to Indigo. You’re back. You don’t have to do anything because you don’t have to roll, but you are not conscious, so that moves it down to Pookie.
Jorja/Indigo: Can I see what I would have got?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: I need to not use that dice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I thought that was a one for a second. You would have fucking died.
Olive/Daryl: “Pookie, do me a favour and cut this moron down.”
Rosie/Pookie: “Gladly.” I’m going to cast Wither and Bloom.
Olive/Daryl: Oh god. Don’t kill him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Okay.
Rosie/Pookie: Why? What’s wrong with killing him? I don’t get it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie’s like, ‘Andres got to kill somebody.’
Rosie/Pookie: Well, also because Bloom can help heal Indigo. Otherwise I would do Chaos Bolt, but I want to heal.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I have to roll a save? A Constitution Save.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven?
Rosie/Pookie: Haha, failure.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll your necrotic damage.
Rosie/Pookie: I believe I shall.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Four. How good.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I assume Indigo’s gaining hit points?
Rosie/Pookie: Yes. Indigo is gaining hit points.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll one of your hit dice.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: Nice.
Rosie/Pookie: Plus four.
Jorja/Indigo: I got nine.
Rosie/Pookie: Yay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. In the same moment that indigo flickers her eyes back open, the guy next to them shrivels up into a necrotic mess.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh, excellent. Yay!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s dead. How would you like to kill him?
Rosie/Pookie: I would like to cast it… It comes out the same way as before, but this time the weird, little, mouldy things floating around all really, really quickly latch onto him like he’s a magnet, and it gets smaller, and smaller, and smaller until he’s a little thing of mould.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good heavens. You’re quite creative there, Rosie.
Olive/Daryl: Well, at least there’s no evidence.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Destroy the evidence! Destroy the evidence!’
Rosie/Pookie: Do I roll on my wild magic chart?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes please.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Twelve.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, the next time is a one, a two, or a three.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay.
Steven/Andres: Andres’s going to ask his patron, but it’ll be verbally, so everyone can hear it. I’ll be like, “Does that one count?”
Olive/Daryl: “Andres, what did I say about opening your mouth again?”
Steven/Andres: “Sorry, dad.”
Olive/Daryl: “Bloody hell.”
Tyrone/Celestor: “Yes. Well done. Good boy.”
Steven/Andres: Daddy’s a little mad at me, but mummy’s happy with me, so it’s okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anything else Pookie?
Rosie/Pookie: I’m just going to start going after the one that went the other way, and I’m going to double my movement.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, up to sixty feet?
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fifty-five, sixty. You are hot on his case.
Rosie/Pookie: I’ve got the zoomies.
Steven/Andres: ‘I taste death.’
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, when I went past you guys, I didn’t say anything. I just suddenly zipped past.
Steven/Andres: ‘Die.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl. Oh no, sorry. Andres, you’re up.
Steven/Andres: I guess I’m going to yell from my position and say, “Pookie, can you see them!?”
Rosie/Pookie: “Yes, yes, yes, he’s here. Yes he’s here. I’m about to go and do a little bit of a scratch, and then I’m going to kill him, and then he’s going to be gone forever.”
Steven/Andres: “I’ll race you!”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie, I forgot to mention that to your left in that room now is approximately five cowering in the corner.
Rosie/Pookie: “I mean, *meow*”
[laughter]
Steven/Andres: Oh no, witnesses.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who just heard me talk.
Steven/Andres: Okay. Yeah, I’ll move thirty feet down the corridor. Oh look, it’s the dude.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see the people in the other room from that angle.
Steven/Andres: A figure of death wisps through, and I’m like, ‘G’day cunts.’ I’m going to cast Chill Touch at him.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: That’s a dirty, slutty, whore twenty.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Dirty, slutty, whore twenty will hit.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: That’s three necrotic damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Three necrotic damage. He’s still going.
Steven/Andres: Balls!
Olive/Daryl: He can’t regain hit points until your next turn though, right?
Steven/Andres: Correct. Yeah man, that’s kind of it really. Yep, that’s all.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It moves to Daryl.
Olive/Daryl: Hearing the commotion, I’ll check down on Indigo. “Hey, are you alright? Hey, welcome back. You’re all good?”
Jorja/Indigo: “Where’s the painting?”
Olive/Daryl: “I’m going after it. Just be safe. Stay here.” I’m going to turn and Dash, and make my way down the corridor and see Andres there, and as I come down, I look down at Andres and, “Oi, hey! Get them to spin around the side and get them to meet me there. We need this one alive, alright?”
Steven/Andres: “Okay.”
Olive/Daryl: “Do you understand?”
Steven/Andres: “Yeah.”
Olive/Daryl: “Andres.”
Steven/Andres: “Dad.”
Olive/Daryl: And I won’t say another word, and I’ll turn to make my way back towards the hole I made.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Forty, forty-five, fifty, fifty-five, sixty. The hole is one more ahead. Wonderful, that's your go?
Olive/Daryl: Yeah, that’s my turn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How am I going to get out? Yeah, he’s going to use sixty feet to Dash. Forty-five, fifty, fifty-five, sixty. I wanted to Misty Step, but I don’t have any second level spell slots, so that is all.
Steven/Andres: Same. That’s why I didn't Misty Step to you.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That moves it back to Indigo. You’ve been told to stay put.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, that ain’t happening.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘You’re not my dad.’
Jorja/Indigo: Can I move?
Olive/Daryl: The person who cast it is dead, right?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, you’re good.
Jorja/Indigo: So, it takes half movement to get back up. So, I’ll move fifteen feet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Your speed increased by ten?
Jorja/Indigo: I don’t know if that lasts after I go unconscious. It doesn’t say anything about it, but… Oh, ‘until you die, or until you revert.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, so you’re fine. You’re still in your zone because you didn’t die. You were just down.
Jorja/Indigo: Yes, I will Dash down. Can I cut the corner to save movement?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.
Olive/Daryl: Can you move me two spaces forward then if that's a rule?
Jorja/Indigo: And then I will use my bonus action to give Andres Bardic Inspiration.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How do you inspire him?
Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to - as I walk past - tap Andres on the shoulder and, “You’ll make your parents proud,” and keep going.
Steven/Andres: My real parents? Fuck those guys.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oof. Savage.
Jorja/Indigo: End turn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie.
Rosie/Pookie: First question: so these walls, there’s no gaps at the top, is there?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.
Rosie/Pookie: There’s no air vent just hanging around up there that leads straight through to the other side?
Olive/Daryl: If I had to go through a wall, so do you.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, what he said.
Steven/Andres: Fire Bolt the wall.
Rosie/Pookie: No. No, the looks that you’re giving me.
Steven/Andres: I’m only half serious.
Rosie/Pookie: Well, my next question is if I go to that spot in the corner there, can I see him from the diagonal?
Steven/Andres: What is this beautiful thing?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you don’t know until you get there. I’ll describe it when you get there.
Rosie/Pookie: So, I don’t know. In that case then, sure. I’m going to try and Fire Bolt through the wall.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Through the wall?
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going to Fire Bolt the wall?
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, I’m going to Fire Bolt the wall.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At which point? Just there right in front of you?
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an attack roll.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Well, that’s not very good.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you get?
Rosie/Pookie: I got a nine.
Jorja/Indigo: Could I also have - on my turn - told these two, “Don’t break the painting,” because I just remembered that they weren’t there for that.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, you can do that.
Jorja/Indigo: Okay, thanks.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Don’t break the painting,’ is what you’ve heard.
Jorja/Indigo: “Don’t ruin it.”
Rosie/Pookie: “Okay.”
[flames flicker]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have failed to make a dent in the wall. You see a little bit of a char against the wall, but you have failed to hit the wall.
Rosie/Pookie: Excellent. In that case then, is there any food in the room that I’m in?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.
Rosie/Pookie: Okay, well my bonus action was sniffing out for food, so in that case…
Steven/Andres: There are scared patrons in the corner.
Rosie/Pookie: They’re not food.
Steven/Andres: Not yet.
Rosie/Pookie: No, I’m going to walk towards the scared patrons and start loafing and purring.
Steven/Andres: I was like, ‘Out of all of us here, you’re probably the best person to do that.’
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.
Olive/Daryl: ‘Don’t be afraid.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: After you did just shoot a Fire Bolt at the wall, and then you turn around like, ‘Right.’
Rosie/Pookie: It’s like, you know how cats go really manic and they scratch everything and bite you, and then they’re suddenly in your lap staring at you like, ‘I am baby.’ That’s what happens.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think they've still got fear in their eyes. They’re patting you very, very carefully because they’ve just see you talk and do magic.
Rosie/Pookie: Oh yeah, the talking.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that your turn?
Rosie/Pookie: Yep, that’s it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Andres.
Steven/Andres: I was really hoping that you’d break that wall.
Rosie/Pookie: Same.
Steven/Andres: So I wouldn’t have to go around, but I have to go around.
Rosie/Pookie: You do. Oops.
Steven/Andres: I guess I’ll Dash.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. This room that you’ve just come into: there is a model of the Kingsgrove in this room, so there’s this big tree with the pink leaves around it.
Rosie/Pookie: Is it wooden?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. Yes, it is. Just here it’s got soft ground and there’s kid’s toys on the ground scattered around it. You know at the art gallery where they have the kids zone? It’s like that. Yeah, and you can see the guy almost to the exit of the room.
Steven/Andres: Is there any way that I can roll an Intimidation or something?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that an ability you have as an action?
Steven/Andres: That’s if I hit him. I can make him roll a Wisdom saving. If I do and he fails then he’s frightened.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can try to intimidate him if you want to yell something out.
Steven/Andres: Yeah, I want to yell at him and be like, “Stop now, or I’ll fry you like your friends are.”
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: I got an eighteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I got a natural one on a save, so he’ll stop and turn around and assess you for a minute. I don’t know how long he’ll stay there, but he’s stopped.
Steven/Andres: On a one, I hope for a while.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. Daryl, you’re up.
Olive/Daryl: I’m going to use my action to Dash and get in front of him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’ve gone through the hole in the wall, and you’re in the room with the statue at the beginning.
Olive/Daryl: Yeah, so sixty feet, and I should get there in fifty, and as I get around and get in front of him I’ll lean against the wall and look down at him casually. “Hello there. You know you probably ought to listen to him because that was a very grisly sight back there. If you hand over the painting now I can at least ensure that he’s not going to bring that harm to you, but if you don’t I don’t have full control over the beasts.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have run across this girl who’s sitting at her desk cowering, on her phone still. I mean, he’s stopped. We’ll have to see on his turn now. Is that your turn up?
Olive/Daryl: Well yeah, basically that was an inclination for him to hand over the painting.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
Tyrone/Guard 1: “What do you want the painting for? You don’t need it.”
Olive/Daryl: “It doesn’t really belong to you, does it?”
Tyrone/Guard 1: “Not to me, but to her, yes. It doesn’t belong to these guys. It belongs to her.”
Olive/Daryl: “I mean, you shouldn’t have it then. She should come and get it herself. There’s a proper rule and procedure for these things.”
Tyrone/Guard 1: “We’re going to bring it to her.”
Olive/Daryl: “Oh, that's very kind, but do you have any proof of that?”
Tyrone/Guard 1: “No.”
Olive/Daryl: “Excellent. Then get down on the ground and place your arms behind your back. Otherwise my friend here is going to put a very unfortunate spike through your head,” and I’d like to roll Intimidation please.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Daryl: Fuck, son of a nine.
Jorja/Indigo: ‘Son of a nine.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A nine?
Olive/Daryl: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I just remembered that this man is a Sorcerer. I’m going to use my Sorcery Points to create a second level spell slot, and he is panicking and looking between Andres - the deathly figure - and Daryl.
Olive/Daryl: Who’s blocking their only way out.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Exactly.
Tyrone/Guard 1: “Don’t hurt me, yeah? Yeah?”
Olive/Daryl: “Oh mate, that’s entirely up to you, and I think we’re well beyond the point of not making that promise.”
Steven/Andres: While he’s pleading with Daryl for his life, I’m going to turn to my patron and say, “Am I still killing him?”
Tyrone/Celestor: “The more the better.”
Steven/Andres: Okay, noted.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Indigo.
Jorja/Indigo: Hello.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Your go.
Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to walk my forty feet. I’ll go next to you.
Steven/Andres: That’s the most direct path to him, I suppose. Kill him. Then I’m three for three.
Jorja/Indigo: No, we should keep him alive.
Olive/Daryl: Just you wait until we’re back in the van.
Jorja/Indigo: I haven’t killed anyone.
Steven/Andres: One out of two parents is okay.
Jorja/Indigo: Not much that I can do.
Olive/Daryl: You could block the exit or pathway at least. Just avoid him from getting extra time to go anyway.
Steven/Andres: Or back around to Andres.
Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, I will Dash down to where that door is.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, that’s essentially a hallway that goes on the other side of this room that you’re in.
Jorja/Indigo: I’ll stay there with my eyes on him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s your turn?
Jorja/Indigo: Do I heal myself, or am I going to get hurt again? I’ll use my last spell slot to heal myself.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With Healing Word?
Jorja/Indigo: Wait, no. Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Indigo: Nice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you get?
Jorja/Indigo: Eight total.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s pretty good considering you were at zero a while ago.
Jorja/Indigo: Yep.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie, you are hanging out with some very frightened patrons.
Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, I am. I thought that I’d show them a magic trick. So, I’m hanging out with them. They've obviously heard me talking, so I’m like, “Oh well, now you know my little secret. How would you like to see something really cool that I recently discovered that I can do?” and then I cast Spider Climb, and I climb up the wall, and I fall down onto the chairs and start scratching it, but I need to cast Spider Climb.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, you don’t roll for that, but you can roll the d20 for wild magic. Oh actually, you can roll on the d100 please. I’ve just remembered.
Steven/Andres: ‘Look what I can do. Oh fuck. That didn’t happen last time.’
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Pookie: Ninety-five. Oh no.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘You and all creatures within thirty feet of you gain vulnerability to piercing damage for the next minute.’
Rosie/Pookie: Okay, that’s fine.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, as long as these people don’t get pierced, they’ll be fine.
Rosie/Pookie: Excellent.
Steven/Andres: The guy with the knife is dead. We’re fine.
Olive/Daryl: We’re g, we’re g.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Knife guy is dead. You do your Spider Climb which is licking your paws with sticky saliva. There’s this shockwave that bursts out from you.
[energy build up then burst suddenly and loudly]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And nothing seems to happen, so you’re like, ‘On with the magic trick.’
Rosie/Pookie: “Okay guys, keep looking at me. This is actually really, really cool, so if you see me here and then I climb up the wall,” and it’s literally just ‘Look at me, I want attention,’ and when I come down it’s like, “And now when I want pats I like a little scratch behind the ear first, and then you can continue,” and that’s my turn.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s this worried look in their eye, but they're warming up to you. ‘Okay, the cat is not going to hurt us, I think’ Or are we being held hostage?’
Rosie/Pookie: I will add in, “Do not tell anyone that I am talking or there will be consequences, but in the meantime just enjoy my company.”
Tyrone/Citizen: “Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.”
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Andres, what are you doing to this poor man?
Steven/Andres: I’m going to kill him.
[laughter]
Steven/Andres: I will use my movement to run up behind him and touch him on the back of the neck with Inflict Wounds.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you have three of those slots?
Steven/Andres: At first level unfortunately.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, okay.
Steven/Andres: This is my last spell slot. Oh, are you going to Counterspell?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to Counterspell.
Steven/Andres: I knew that was coming.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because he’s fucking scared for his life. He’s seeing you, ‘You said that you wouldn’t hurt me, but you walked up to touch me.’
Steven/Andres: I lied.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Counterspell. You see the magic fizzle in your hands.
[magic fizzle]
Olive/Daryl: Oof.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oof.
Tyrone/Guard 1: “No, no, no. You stay away. I saw what that did to the other people.”
Steven/Andres: That could have been a healing spell and you don’t know. I will weep a little bit. I will use the last of my movement to walk away from him. I walk ten feet away from him. I will back away.
Tyrone/Guard 1: “Stay there. Stay.”
Steven/Andres: Are you going to unarmed me for zero? Oh wait, you used Counterspell. Very true.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to turn to Daryl.
Olive/Daryl: “Well, mate. I told you that you had one chance.” I’m going to sock him on the back of the head. If you had stayed where you were I would have had advantage.
*dice rolls*
Steven/Andres: Sorry.
Olive/Daryl: That’s alright. I got a nineteen.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’ll do it.
Olive/Daryl: And then give me a four.
*dice rolls
Olive/Daryl: Two’s alright. Five points of non-lethal damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He is still alive. He’s not looking fantastic.
Olive/Daryl: Bonus action to grapple.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.
*dice rolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I got a fifteen.
Olive/Daryl: Nine. Fuck me. Just end. Stop. Give up!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He is the last guy. He’s seen two of his friends die. Everyone’s surrounding him.
Rosie/Pookie: I’d be curled up in a little ball.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s fair. This guy is a spy. Anything else Daryl?
Olive/Daryl: All done.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: All done. He’s going to use his new second level spell slot to Misty Step thirty feet as close to the door as I can get please.
[mystical chiming]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then with the rest of his movement he’ll run out the door, and that moves it down to Indigo if you guys want to stay in that order.
Jorja/Indigo: Okay, diagonal one, diagonal to the door. I’ll go through the door.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Yeah, he’s standing out there. He is looking to the sky. Assuming you look up…
Jorja/Indigo: Yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see chaos in the city. People are running around screaming. There’s fairies everywhere because up in the sky is a big, golden portal, and these winged beast creatures are flying out from it and into the city. They are four-legged beasts with these wings and this long tail with barbs on it. It’s got a lion face to it. Like, in the tens and twenties.
Jorja/Indigo: Sick.
[dark synthwave music builds to a crescendo]
Theme Song: [rock music plays]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber, Steven Edwards as Andres, Olive Jerome as Daryl, Rosemary Ochtman as Pookie, and Jorja Odd as Indigo. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on a bunch of social media, including Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and Patreon. All of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
Theme Song: [rock music continues]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.
-
Rosie/Pookie: I like that two of us saw Daryl trying to get through the wall and thought, ‘Na, he’s got it.’
Steven/Andres: ‘He’s got this.’ I didn’t lick his foot.
Olive/Daryl: Why not?
Steven/Andres: Because I’m on the wrong side of the wall.
-
Rosie/Pookie: You left the door open, right?
Olive/Daryl: No, I closed it behind me.
Rosie/Pookie: No, you didn’t!
[laughter]
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you imagine?
Olive/Daryl: No, I left it open.
Rosie/Pookie: Thank you.