Episode 3: The Parasite

The squad is called to seek out a missing person. The resulting investigation sends the party into disarray, and loyalties come into question around every turn.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language, fantasy violence, and kidnapping.

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Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Doug is Steven Edwards

Höde is Olive Jerome

Ezra is Rosemary Ochtman

Sassandra is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and Editing Assistant. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Jazz Background Music Loop - Migfus20

Army Return - groovy_blue

Epic Orchestra - LOOP - Joshuaempyre

magic - vr

Water Elemantal Magic Skill - EminYILDIRIM

Fire - mmutua

Fireball Flyby 1 - LiamG_SFX

CD_CONTACT_006FX_Magic_Mystery - kevp888

Tchaikovsky - The Seasons - March, Song of the Lark, Opus 37a (Arr. for Music Box) - GregorQuendel

La Partida - Valse Venezuelienne - Arranged for Strings - GregorQuendel

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Steven/Doug: Portal Quandary has got some content warnings. You can check them out in the episode description. I did it. 

Tyrone/Captain Yes: It's a quiet night in the city, for all the chaos and rabble born from recent events. Almost too quiet. It makes the knock on my office door all too easy to hear. Lucky for whoever’s on the other side of the door, I only sleep when a job is done, and this job is far from done. The new client is a small half-elf, eyes glancing about, wringing his hands together. Something has him worked up, that's for sure. He keeps his distance, only just stepping into the moonlight shining through the slats of my office window. The job is simple enough - the half-elf was meeting with a friend - Florence Webb - for lunch, but Webb never showed. That's out of character, according to the half-elf. He sent a messenger wren, stopped by his house, but no dice. He even reached out to Webb’s boss out at the greenhouse, but hasn’t heard back. It's been two days now. I tell the guy I’ll do what I can and set to work. The gardeners would have all gone home for the night by now, so I won’t bother with the greenhouse just yet. I make a mental note to stop by and have a chat with his boss tomorrow, see if Webb has missed any shifts. If this is something to worry about or just an anxious friend and a missed cue. For tonight, I make my way through the quiet streets to Webb’s residence. Either he’s home and it’s all a misunderstanding, or he’s gone and just maybe there’s a case to be had. The streets are quiet. Recent events have folks worried. Holed up in their houses, praying the sandstone walls are enough to keep them safe. It’d be a clear night, nice full moon, but the air is thick. Some days, when the winds are high or just out of a storm, the desert sand fills the air and makes things hazy for a few days. I don’t think it’s been windy, but I wonder if I’ve spent too long in my office, head down. Motes swirl in the moonlight, little particles that rattle in the lungs, mask the deep shadows or the odd figure in the distance. Webb’s house is a small thing squeezed between two others of similar build - makes sense on a gardener’s budget, and it’s not too far from the greenhouse. At a glance, there doesn’t look to be any signs of forced entry. You can never be too sure, though. I knock anyhow, just to be on the safe side. I’ve got my lockpick tools ready. I’m sure my friends on the guard force would disapprove, but for a guy like me, locked doors are just another clue to solve a case. I rarely get complaints about it when the job is done. The door creaks open. Seems like the half-elf was worked up over nothin. The door is only open enough for me to see half a face, but it’s more than enough to match the picture the half-elf left with me. The man peers out at me with sleepy eyes. “Florence Webb?” He grunts in affirmation. “Apologies for the late intrusion. Had a friend worried about you. Claims you went missing. I’m not interested in domestic disputes, so I won’t go asking for particulars. But you may want to let him know you’re okay. At least to save you getting woken up again by more folks like me he’s asked to track you down.” The case is over before it even starts. It isn’t the first time, and it sure won’t be the last. It’s a shame, but I won’t turn down the easy money. I turn on my heel and leave Webb to his rest. The dust is thick tonight. Really scratches the throat. I hack a cough into my elbow, trying to expel the particles. They don’t go easy. Something doesn’t seem quite right, but I can’t work it out. Is it Webb? Or the other case? Some missed connection? No - it’s the door. I never heard it close after I turned to leave. Maybe it’s nothing, but my gut tells me it’s not. I didn’t get this far by ignoring my gut. I turn back to Webb. Something heavy collides with the back of my head before I can. Everything after that? Well, who can say?

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Keeper: Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Portal Quandary: Monster of the Week. We’re up to episode three. 

Olive/Hode: Roar.

[laughter]

Olive/Hode: Well, we usually go, ‘Woo!’ or whatever, but it’s Monster of the Week, so I thought I’d be a little monster. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Roar. We left on a bit of a cliffhanger last time, so we’re going to dive straight into that first. Höde, you just got dragged through a portal at the bottom of a hole, and someone has said:

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Höde, you have some explaining to do.”

Olive/Hode: “Oh, hello.”

Tyrone/Keeper: It is your boss, Valtyra, if you recall them.

Olive/Hode: “Val-ty-ra… Yeah, I remember.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Höde, kindly, what the fuck are you doing in there? We send you in there to get rid of five monsters. You’ve barely gotten rid of one!”

Olive/Hode: “Well, it’s a really tough job, and I don’t think you fairly explained how tough it was going to be, but I’m not doing it on my own necessarily.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Yes, I’ve been keeping an eye on these guys. A few of them seem to be a bit more competent than you, actually. Maybe I should hire them instead.”

Olive/Hode: “Oh, they go alright. They’re very clever, but some of their hearts aren’t in it for the same reason. It’s dedication that you want, isn’t it master?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Dedication, but also efficiency. There’s no point in being dedicated if you can’t do the fucking job.”

Olive/Hode: “Now, now. There’s no need for language, master. It’s very unbecoming of you. All good things, as we’re taught, will come in time.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “People are starting to ask questions, you know. Whatever happened to not letting a witness leave the sun temple, huh? That archbishop seemed to come out of it okay. Why’d you go and help her for?” 

Olive/Hode: “Well, as you mentioned, I’ve only found one, so we need help to find the others. I know I screwed up. I’m sorry, but I only think of what’s best fo the mission, and if people are asking questions, could you do something for me, master? Just one thing. It’s all I ask.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Only if you hurry up.”

Olive/Hode: “Of course, of course. I’ll hurry. Just tell them to go fuck themselves and they’ll piss right off and get off your arse. I promise you. I’ve heard it a lot of times. Many times, and it always discourages me from following up. I’m sure it will do the same for you, master.” 

Tyrone/Valtyra: “You’ve got to watch your tone there, or I’m going to start taking things away from your cart, and you’re not going to have all of those tools I’ve given you.”

Olive/Hode: It’s like a paradigm shift. This slightly hunched over, plaintive face, little dwarf suddenly lifts his shoulders up and squares up and looks up with a determined look. “Master, don’t touch the cart. I promise to be good. I do. I promise. I’m good. I do as I’m told, always.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Just get the others quickly. You’ve seen the giant. There’s still three others out there.”

Olive/Hode: “Not to nitpick, master, and it may be ironic, but it seems to me that I was doing my job, and now you’re the one preventing me from getting the job done.”

Tyrone/Keeper: It is at this point actually that I’d like for you to do the roll that you do at the start of every mystery.  

Olive/Hode: Oh shit. Oh yeah. ‘When you’re in good standing with your sect roll plus Charm.’ My Charm is not very charmful.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hode: Fuck. That’s a four. 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a miss, they ask you to do something bad. If you fail the mission or refuse an order you’ll be in trouble with the sect until you atone,’ which you kind of already are.

Olive/Hode: Yeah, but this is my second chance so let’s see what they’ve got.  

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Alright Höde, you’ve got one more chance to prove yourself.”

Olive/Hode: “Alright master. Yes. One chance. I understand.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “One of these beasts has taken this detective. The one asking all the questions. You’re going to ensure that they don’t make it out of it alive.” 

Olive/Hode: “Like murder, or like a happy accident?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “You know Höde. You’ve done it a few times now.”

Olive/Hode: “No, I know, I know. I do what you ask, master. You know. Yes, master. He won’t leave. I promise. He won’t breathe. It rhymes.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Alright, now get out of my sight.”

Olive/Hode: “Which way is that?”

Tyrone/Keeper: She’s going to bring her foot up, and she's got these big combat boots on. She going to put a foot on your chest and kick you backwards into a portal.

Olive/Hode: “Ah!”

[mystical chime]

Tyrone/Keeper: And Höde, you are pushed into the little bed in your caravan, and two days have passed automatically for you.

Olive/Hode: “That was a really strange nap. Wait, no. I haven’t slept. Why am I in bed?” I’ll hop out and crawl out and take a look around.

Tyrone/Keeper: Hello everyone, you guys are allowed to talk again.

Rosie/Ezra: Hello.

Steven/Doug + Jorja/Sassandra: Hi.

Tyrone/Keeper: We have something to do at the start of every mystery that we’ve solved. We’ve just solved the mystery of the beast, so we’ve got questions to ask to get you guys some experience. Number one: did you conclude the current mystery?

Steven/Doug + Jorja/Sassandra + Olive/Hode: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: Did you save someone from certain death or worse?

Rosie/Ezra: Almost certainly. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I saved Doug multiple times.

Steven/Doug: I attempted to save Höde. 

Jorja/Sassandra: And I think Höde saved me.

Rosie/Ezra: I swear I probably saved someone in there.

Jorja/Sassandra You definitely tried at one point and failed.

Rosie/Ezra: It’s the thought that counts. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, as a group I would say yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, did you learn something new and important about the world?

Steven/Doug: Höde has a connection with portals. 

Tyrone/Keeper: That is true. Okay, yeah. We’ll say that’s a yes. Did you… Although, that’s the next question which is did you learn something new and important about one of the hunters? So, that last one is probably no.

Olive/Hode: Well, no.

Rosie/Ezra: We learned that killing things, it’s specific. You can’t just stab them.  

Olive/Hode: We learned a little info about the village that we’re in and how that came about. 

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, the past! We went to the past. The place where you lived. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Hello. Yeah, I…

Steven/Doug: Doug got to learn about all the mundane people. Wait, no. He’s The Mundane.

Jorja/Sassandra: Doug learned about the poor people.

Steven/Doug: Yes. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Again, more things about the other hunters, not about the world.

Olive/Hode: No, we learned about the environment and how it fell apart because we got a bit of backstory about Sassandra and Sassandra’s home, which is something about the world.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, we’ve answered yes to every single one apparently.

Rosie/Ezra: Look at us go.

Steven/Doug: Yes we have.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you get two marks of experience.

Rosie/Ezra: Woah, would you look at that.

Tyrone/Keeper: And one more thing to quickly talk about is Doug, you levelled up last session, but you never told us what you got. What’d you get, girl?

Steven/Doug: Yeah, because it wasn’t relevant. I took a move from another playbook because why not? From The Chosen I took Invincible, which means I always have two armour.

Tyrone/Keeper: You say not relevant as if that wouldn’t have saved you form the goat if it had attacked you again. 

Steven/Doug: But, it didn’t attack me again, so it’s fine. 

Tyrone/Keeper: And anyway, Sassandra was your armour.

Jorja/Sassandra: Hello. 

Steven/Doug: Exactly. It’s fine.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s been two days. Höde has just disappeared for two days for the three of you. I don’t know if that worries you in any capacity.

Jorja/Sassandra: Not one bit.

Steven/Doug: I don’t think Doug would really care. Sorry Höde.

Olive/Hode: No, totally fair. 

Rosie/Ezra: I’ve noticed, but I don’t like to get involved in other people’s problems. It feels a little bit rude. 

Steven/Doug: We definitely talked about it because I would have been like, ‘Oh yeah, we were in the hole, and then he disappeared through a portal,’ and that was probably the most important thing. Maybe you guys were fascinated by portals. They’re magic. That’s weird.  

Jorja/Sassandra: “Ooo, a portal.”

Steven/Doug: And I’d be like, “I don’t know, it was dark. I don’t know what happened,” and that’s as fair as we probably would have gone.

Jorja/Sassandra: The menace is gone. 

Rosie/Ezra: No, I would just assume that the portals are a little bit more normal on dry land because in the ocean we don’t have them. You guys aren’t seeming super weirded out by it, so I’m like, “Yeah, portals.”

Tyrone/Keeper: The beast made its own grave. You just got out of the hole and shovelled the dirt on top of it.  

Rosie/Ezra: I clean my hands of this matter. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Two days… Obviously Sir Doug is staying at the castle. 

Steven/Doug: Of course.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re in your caravan. Where do the other two stay?

Rosie/Ezra: I have no lodgings. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re on the street.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, probably. 

Jorja/Sassandra: You don’t have an ambassador’s suite or some shit?

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, yes, yes. I would actually. No, I would have a motel that they put me up in for…

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, you’ve got the guest suite at the castle. Of course.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, at the castle. Oh, lovely.

Steven/Doug: We’ll do brunch.   

Jorja/Sassandra: I feel like I’d be shacking up with an old friend of some kind.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re like, ‘Umm, my old house got collapsed in.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Is there a refugee space?

Tyrone/Keeper: There would be actually. I feel like there’d be a campsite near the residential thing. 

Jorja/Sassandra: A campsite? Yeah!

Steven/Doug: And you shan't be invited to brunch. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I will be there whether you like it or not. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Each of you gets a letter from Nimurata Graves, is what it’s signed. Nimurata Graves, being Captain Yes’s contact that you met up with before the beast. Along the lines of, ‘Thank you all for helping me out last time. I haven’t heard from the captain in two days, nor have I seen him. Can all of you meet me at the sun temple at midday? I need help. Signed, Nimurata Graves.’

Olive/Hode: Höde will finish reading the letter. He’ll fold it up and sit it in the door of the cart, and he’ll grab the sign and pop it on the door. He’ll give it a little lock, and he’ll find a spot for a nice bagel and for a nice spot to enjoy his breakfast and wait for midday.

Jorja/Sassandra: Very similar vibes, Sassandra is going to scrunch up the letter and throw it somewhere, and go into a garbage can somewhere and pull out a half-eaten sandwich, and make her way over.

Steven/Doug: On that note, Sir Doug will be at brunch with the other delegates as one of his servants is reading it out to him.  

Tyrone/Servant: “Good heavens, the captain is missing.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh yes, that is what you just finished telling me.” He’ll be halfway through his tea and do a spit take.

Tyrone/Servant: “We’ll prepare your going out gear at once.”

Steven/Doug: “Very good, very good. Elfie, will you be joining?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes, yes. It appears that we have the same letter, and I think that we should go right away because it sounds like they need help, and this would look very good for my internship.”

Steven/Doug: “And it’s the right thing to do.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes, oh yes. That too.”

Steven/Doug: Noted.

Jorja/Sassandra: Doug will remember this. 

Steven/Doug: He doesn’t.

Jorja/Sassandra: He’s just thinking about the tea he wasted.

Tyrone/Keeper: Höde, one thing that I neglected to mention about your caravan is that there's usually a very prominent trinket box that you have, and it is notably missing.

Olive/Hode: “Oh no. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh no. Okay, it’s alright. There’s no need to panic. You’ll be fine. You find trinkets all the time. My mouth is dry. Okay, bagel time. Bagels.”

Tyrone/Keeper: And Ezra Elfie, I believe you have something that you need to roll right now for a start of a mystery.

Rosie/Ezra: I most certainly do. I’m having a premonition.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: And I got seven.

Tyrone/Keeper: And what happens on a seven?

Rosie/Ezra: ‘On a seven to nine, you get clouded images of something bad that is yet to happen. Mark experience if you stop it.’

Steven/Doug: “My goodness Elfie, what is going on with your eyes?”

Rosie/Ezra: “I’ve got a bit of a premonition going on. It’s normal. It;’s just something that my parents gave me where I can see some things that happen and I have to stop it or something bad happens, but it’s chill.”

Steven/Doug: “Really?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah.”

Steven/Doug: “Fascinating, but not enough for me to do anything about it.”

[laughter]

Rosie/Ezra: I imagine that Sir Doug has tuned himself out as soon as I started talking.

Steven/Doug: As soon as you went weird.

Tyrone/Keeper: You can see a soldier’s uniform with vines wrapped around it, squeezing tighter and tighter and tighter.

Rosie/Ezra: “Sir Doug, is there an army here?”

Steven/Doug: “Yes.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Okay, because I just saw this thing with soldiers and there’s vines and they’re squeezing, and I think it’s going to be bad, so I think that we should stop it because usually if we don’t stop it it gets worse when I get these little visions that are completely normal.”

Steven/Doug: “These are completely normal things that happen to normal people.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes.”

Steven/Doug: “Well I guess we could go find the Captain of the Guard?”

Rosie/Ezra: “To the guard!”

Tyrone/Keeper: Captain Yes?

Olive/Hode: Yaas.

Steven/Doug: Yaas.

Tyrone/Keeper: Captain Yes, the Captain of the Guard. Captain Yes, who you just got a letter about being missing.

Jorja/Sassandra: The very same.

Steven/Doug: That is the one we seek. “We should address this letter.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I do think that would be the best course of action.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Are you going to let Ezra onto Constance?

Steven/Doug: Of course.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, yay. 

Steven/Doug: We must get there quickly.

Rosie/Ezra: “Make haste!”

Steven/Doug: And her little fish legs aren’t going to get us there quickly.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m just imagining them floppy.

Tyrone/Keeper: Eww. Sass is on her way, and Vervain is looking through some trash while you’re on her back?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes, absolutely. I’ve trained him well.

Tyrone/Keeper: At the sun temple…

[peaceful orchestral music]

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, Nimurata Graves, who we met a couple of days ago, is standing in the middle of the rubble of the sun temple. The clerics are working on fixing it.

Jorja/Sassandra: I did forget about that.

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Oh my god, you guys came. You got my letter.”

Steven/Doug: Who’s fixing it? The clerics?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah.

Steven/Doug: Are they also builders?

Tyrone/Keeper: They’re doing their best.

Rosie/Ezra: “I have to ask, is letter really the best way to contact someone? Couldn’t you send someone because it would be quicker than the post?”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Are you quicker than the messenger wren, are you?”

Rosie/Ezra: “I’m just wondering. You see, in the ocean, down in Sea World, we use dolphins, so I thought you might have an equivalent here.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, a wren. We don’t live underwater.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “You guys said that you were really good investigators last time, so I thought, if not the captain, who else do I contact. You guys. You guys are great investigators.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Correct.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Would you say that in a reference for me?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I’ve already written it. You just have to sign it.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Thank you.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Sure, if you’ll do the job.”

Tyrone/Keeper: She’s signing it without even looking at it.

Rosie/Ezra: “Absolutely. Win.”

Steven/Doug: This person’s an idiot.

Olive/Hode: From behind, Höde will just waddle up with a couple of bites left of a bagel, and just “*chewing* Oh, hi guys.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh, you survived.”

Olive/Hode: “Well yeah, of course.”

Steven/Doug: “What do you mean, ‘Of course’? You-”

Rosie/Ezra: “Where’d you go?”

Olive/Hode: “Oh, I didn’t do very well apparently, so my boss had to have a little talk with me.”

Rosie/Ezra: “What line of work are you in? Sculpture? Sales?”

Olive/Hode: “I am in sales. I am. I like to sell my trinkets and earn a bit of coin.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes, but that’s not what your boss employs you for.”

Olive/Hode: “Sure they do. I just have additional responsibilities.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “And so can you control the portals or your boss?”

Olive/Hode: “No. Oh, can I control the portals?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Probably not, so why does your boss who can control portals get you to sell trinkets?”

Steven/Doug: Jeez, rip him a new one.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, he’s been missing for two days. 

Steven/Doug: Fucking hell.

Olive/Hode: “Well, it’s the fastest way to get them to me, and also for them to get to me if I detour.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay. Your honour, I sustain.”

Steven/Doug: So, while the whole conversation is going on, Sir Doug is going to pull NImurata aside, and be like, “Alright, what’s going on? What do you need us for? They’ll sort out whatever they’re talking about.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Well, the boss went missing. I went to go around to their place to report for duty as I do every morning, except on weekends, and they weren't there. I went around to their place, and they had some notes about a case that they were working on, but it wasn’t in the box that said checked, like completed, so obviously they were still on the job.”

Steven/Doug: “Did you hear that? We have a case!”

Rosie/Ezra: “A case?!”

Steven/Doug: “A case!”

Rosie/Ezra: “I heard that! Does this person wear a soldier uniform? Obviously they do, yes. Nimurata, I had a vision.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Is this why you’re such a good detective? You have visions.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes. Yes, it’s not my evil overlords.”

Steven/Doug: “This is all getting a bit weird if you ask me.”

Olive/Hode: “Did somebody say case? Did you find my case of trinkets?”

Steven/Doug: “No, Höde, you goon!”

Rosie/Ezra: “But I did see something very sparkly over there if you go take a look.”

Olive/Hode: “Where?”

Rosie/Ezra: “To the left. Keep walking.”

Olive/Hode: He’s gone.

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes Nimurata, I saw a soldier that looked like they were in distress, covered in vines that were squeezing them very tightly like snakes. Would that be him?”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “That could be the captain, yes! You didn’t see their face?”  

Rosie/Ezra: “Nup.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Well, he was investigating a case about a gardener, so maybe we could look there?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Vines are in gardens.” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Are we able to look at the case that you saw at their place?” Oh my god.

Rosie/Ezra: Dr. Suess!

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Yeah, yeah. We could go around to his place now if you’d like,”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, yeah. Let’s do that. Let’s do that immediately.”

Rosie/Ezra: Could I use Hunch? Could I have a Hunch? ‘When something bad is happening or just about to happen somewhere that you aren’t roll a Sharp.’ Because then I might know all the things. I don’t know why I picked this when it’s a plus Sharp and I have zero Sharp.

Olive/Hode: Oh, but you don’t know.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I got an eight, and it says, ‘On a seven to nine, you get there late in time to intervene but not prevent it.’ The bad thing that’s happening.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m having déjà vu. This is exactly what happened at the sun temple. 

Olive/Hode: Yeah. 

Rosie/Ezra: It is.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, you get a hunch that there is something bad happening to the captain. Somewhere. You just don’t know where.

Rosie/Ezra: And I’ll get there just in time.

Tyrone/Keeper: The captain’s house.

[mysterious orchestral music]

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s a little shack. They don’t look after it very well because they’re mostly working on cases. There is a study full of paperwork. There’s a tray full of completed cases and just one in the ‘incomplete.’ There’s one of those boards with the red string around everywhere.

Steven/Doug: I’m looking at the Sharp and Weirds.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I’m going to… I’m trying to figure out which one is the best.

Olive/Hode: Whatever you’re going to do, I’ll give you a Helping Hand, so you get a plus two instead of the usual plus one. 

Steven/Doug: I feel like this one.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, Investigate A Mystery, please. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep, that sounds good.

Jorja/Sassandra: Beautiful.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hode: I rolled an eight.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Your help grants them plus one to their roll, but you expose yourself to trouble or danger.’

Olive/Hode: Okay, so you still get a plus two.

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, so plus two from you? Fifteen.

Tyrone/Keeper: The scale is a ten plus.

Jorja/Sassandra: So, I think I just make it. Barely.

Tyrone/Keeper: What sort of trouble or danger are you in now? God damn. We’ll get back to you in a second.

Olive/Hode: By all means, take your time.  

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re not off the hook yet, muster.

Olive/Hode: Ah shit.

Tyrone/Keeper: What questions are you asking for the Investigate a Mystery? ‘On a ten plus, you have hold two.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Where did it go? In reference to the captain. What is being concealed here?

Tyrone/Keeper: Beautiful questions.

Jorja/Sassandra: Thank you, I wrote them myself. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Where did it go is a nice easy one to answer because the case was for a Florence Webb. The case was that Webb never showed for a meeting with their friend, and was missing at work and everything, so they went to investigate where that was. So, he went to Florence Webb’s address.

Jorja/Sassandra: Which is listed there, and I can see it, and know where it is? 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Jorja/Sassandra: Sick.

Tyrone/Keeper: What is being concealed here? There is, on the doorknob to the study, there are some spores - some pollen residue - that Höde was looking at and then *sniffs then licks*

Jorja/Sassandra: “Ooo, I don’t know if you should do that.”

Olive/Hode: “But it looks really tasty. I thought it would be a good follow up to my ba- *struggles*”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Move.”

Steven/Doug: “Good heavens, what is he doing?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I think he’s throwing up like a cat.”

Olive/Hode: “*retching*”

Steven/Doug: “Well Höde, could you keep it down?”

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I rip off a bit of my dress and put it over the doorknob and open it?

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh yeah, you can do that.

Jorja/Sassandra: I just don’t want to touch it. Is there anything past that door?

Tyrone/Keeper: Inadvertently, you’ve also collected the evidence on your outfit.

Jorja/Sassandra: Well, I ripped it off, so I can go put it in a little ziplock baggie.

Steven/Doug: Dispose of it in one of the hazardous waste bins.

Olive/Hode: “I’ll take it for later.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “No.”

Olive/Hode: “Please.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “No.”

Olive/Hode: “It’s all I have.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I don’t care.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Well, if it’s all he has, maybe we should let him have it.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “No.”

Olive/Hode: “I just want to keep it in case it could be ‘portant.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You’ve already ingested it. You have some with you.”

Olive/Hode: “I promise you I won’t be eating any more, and you won’t want it if it’s important and it comes back out.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I don’t know what you’re saying. No.”

Olive/Hode: “Oh, alright.”

Tyrone/Keeper: There’s a Manipulate Another Hunter if you desperately want.

Olive/Hode: Oh shit, yeah. There’s a thing I can do.

Tyrone/Keeper: You have negative one Charm.

Olive/Hode: Yep. Alright, we’re just going to roll Charm.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hode: Seven.

Tyrone/Keeper: Minus one.

Olive/Hode: Six. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What does a six mean?

Jorja/Sassandra + Olive/Höde: Miss. 

Olive/Hode: So, nothing?

Tyrone/Keeper: No, bad things happen on a miss. 

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘On a miss, it’s up to that hunter to decide how badly you offend or annoy them. They mark experience if they decide not to do what you asked.’

Olive/Hode: Well, there you go.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Höde, I told you no!”

Olive/Hode: “But, please.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Respect my decision,” as I put my cloth into a ziplock bag, and turn around and put it in an unmarked pocket so you can’t see. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve just opened the door to the closet essentially.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh perfect, I was just worried that there’d be something growing in there or reaching out.

Tyrone/Keeper: Is there anything else we’d like to do in the residence of Captain Yes?

Rosie/Ezra: Does he have scones?

Tyrone/Keeper: Whatever the fantasy equivalent of a fridge is empty.

Rosie/Ezra: “*sobs*”

Steven/Doug: “Elfie, we had brunch.”

Rosie/Ezra: “We did, but I just like to have a little snack on the road, especially when I’m anxious about something. You know, boost the spirits.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I have some nuts in my pocket.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I do love nuts. *eating noises*”

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, did I just feed you like a horse?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes, yes you did.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m into it. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Did you ride Vervain up into the house?

Jorja/Sassandra: No, he sits outside on guard. “Alright, I know where we need to go.”

Steven/Doug: “And where is that?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “This address here, which is in this section in this town in this portion of the city we’re in.” 

Steven/Doug: “I don’t think I’ve been there.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You definitely haven’t. It’s working class.”

Steven/Doug: “I definitely haven’t.”

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s in the garden and produce section of Aubade.

Steven/Doug: “Oh no, there’s definitely no way I would have been there.” I take my glove off and I say, “Feel this. Feel how silky soft my skin is.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “It’s like a baby.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Because you’re in the middle of a desert, they have a whole section dedicated to growing enough food for a large, large city in the middle of the desert.

Jorja/Sassandra: That makes sense.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, they’ve got greenhouses.

Jorja/Sassandra: To the greenhouse. 

Tyrone/Keeper: No, to the gardener’s house.

Jorja/Sassandra: To the Webb house. 

Steven/Doug: Travel interlude.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep, travel interlude. You’re at the address.

[tense orchestral music]

Tyrone/Keeper: Hey, it’s Tyrone, your Keeper. As always, thanks for supporting us and listening to the show and supporting us. I just wanted to jump in here really quick before the ad to talk about our upcoming episodes. So, this is episode three of a six part mini series in the leadup to season 3! And for season 3 we’re looking into adding listener names in as NPC’s when they share about the show. That’ll likely be through Instagram because that’s where we get the most traction - so keep an eye on our Insta if you want to be an NPC in season three. Let’s quickly head to the ad - featuring another awesome Monster of the Week podcast. 

The Thorne Files Podcast Ad Read: Are you a fan of mind bending mysteries and terrifying monsters? Well, come and listen to The Thorne Files Podcast. A Monster Of The Week, actual play podcast with new episodes coming out every other Friday. Set in 1952, four investigators find themselves entangled in the world full of malevolent forces seeking to destroy the world as we know it. Will they uncover the secrets in the darkness? And more importantly, will they survive to see the light? 

Tyrone/Keeper: Before we get back to the episode, I just wanted to talk about our Patreon. We’ve got tiers for every level of support. So, the entry tier provides access to character and monster sheets and ad-free episodes (free from me talking about Patreon like right now), and that middle tier provides all of that plus access to bonus episodes like our The Quiet Year mini-series, telling the history of Prophis, the world of season two. And that highest tier provides access to early access episodes, which usually come out between two and three weeks before official release! Anyways, I’ll let you get to the episode. The next Monster of the Week episode will be coming out Friday, November 1st. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to immediately Read a Bad Situation. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re at the front of the house and you’re like, ‘Well, this is bad.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, there’s bad juju.

Tyrone/Keeper: ’Okay, ‘When you look around and read a bad situation, roll plus Sharp.’

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, no.

Steven/Doug: No.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve got plus three Sharp. Surely you haven’t missed.

Jorja/Sassandra: I rolled snake eyes.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, so it’s a five?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yep.

Olive/Hode: Can I give you a helping hand?

Steven/Doug: There’s no helping that.  

Olive/Hode: Yeah, so what are you doing? Sussing it out, right?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Steven/Doug: Reading a bad situation. 

Olive/Hode: Yeah, Höde will take a couple of steps and veer to the left and take a look around behind the house to help you out. 

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hode: Oh, fuck me. What do I need to get?

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re rolling Sharp, so you got a six.

Jorja/Sassandra: No, rolling Cool.

Olive/Hode: Seven. I did it again.

Steven/Doug: Help Out. Seven to nine.

Olive/Hode: I grant you a plus two, but also expose myself to trouble or danger.

Jorja/Sassandra: So, that makes mine a seven.

Steven/Doug: And Elfie and I won’t be standing close to these two.

Olive/Hode: “Hey Sassandra, I think there’s something I don’t… Huh. Look over here.”

Tyrone/Keeper: You have opened up the trash, and - in fact - you find some kind of plant growing in the trash, and again you’ve inhaled more of these spores. 

Olive/Hode: “*gagging* I found- *coughing* I found some more spores. *coughing* Look Sassandra, I found- *coughing*”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Very good Höde.”

Olive/Hode: “Thank you.”

Steven/Doug: “Would you please stop coughing everywhere.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Coughing is so strange above the water. It’s a bit more bubbly.”

Steven/Doug: Doug is going to pull a tiny, little handkerchief out of his pocket and hold it over his face.

Rosie/Ezra: Not offering it to Höde or anything.

Steven/Doug: No, no. It’s to protect myself. 

Jorja/Sassandra: He is already done for.

Tyrone/Keeper: Good luck. What question are you asking for Investigate a Mystery? Oh, sorry, Read a Bad Situation?

Olive/Hode: “I helped.”

Steven/Doug: “You sure did.”

Rosie/Ezra: “You did great, buddy.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Are there any dangers we haven’t noticed?

Rosie/Ezra: I was going to ask if I could see anything invisible like spirits or magical influences with The Sight?

Tyrone/Keeper: No. 

Rosie/Ezra: No.

Tyrone/Keeper: I had a good think about it, but no.

Rosie/Ezra: Okay, okay. That’s fair.

Tyrone/Keeper: And I’m genuinely thinking, but I think there are no dangers that you haven’t noticed, which is an answer in itself because it means that noone is home.

Steven/Doug: So, can I just ask, we’re outside a building, right?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Steven/Doug: So, it’s a person’s residence?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Steven/Doug: Oh, fuck it. “Don’t worry, I’ll check it out.” I’m going to go inside.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, what does the ability actually do?

Steven/Doug: Whenever I go off by myself to check out somewhere or something scary, mark experience.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s scary, I guess.

Rosie/Ezra: Would it be annoying if I followed you? Just tagged along.

Steven/Doug: Yes. While these guys are looking at spores and sussing it out, I’m heading inside.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, fair. It looks like a little bit of a scuffle happened here. You can see that the scuffle took place in the bottom half. It’s a two storey building, so the bottom half is the kitchen/living area. They’re relatively poor.  

Steven/Doug: I tightly grip the handkerchief to my nose.

Tyrone/Keeper: And you can see from the way that the first has been moved around that there’s a body that’s been moved around, essentially. You can see these spores as well, just floating around the house.

Steven/Doug: I mean, I guess after seeing all this and doing a quick survey to be like, ‘Oh, nothing is immediately killing us or whatever,’ I’ll go back out the front door and be like, “Quickly everyone, come inside. Have a look at this.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Just go inside after I was like, ‘There’s pollen around in the air.’

Steven/Doug: What could go wrong? Oh sorry, that’s a different move.

Jorja/Sassandra: Seeing the pollen, I’ll rip more of my dress off and copy Sir Doug. 

Steven/Doug: I was going to say, I’ve already got my mask on. We’re fine. 

Olive/Hode: Höde doesn’t even give it a second thought. He just walks straight in the front door.

Jorja/Sassandra: You’re already done for.

Olive/Hode: Yeah, yeah, yeah. One foot in the grave.

Steven/Doug: Deep in your lungs. 

Olive/Hode: Yummy,

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra.

Rosie/Ezra: Yes, I’m going to walk in and have my hand over my face a little bit. Just a little bit. Yeah. I just don’t really have any fabric to cover myself with.

Jorja/Sassandra: I rip more of my dress. 

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh thank you. My hero.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You’re welcome.”

Tyrone/Keeper: There’s a green haze about the place.

Rosie/Ezra: “This is kind of like when you’re underwater, but it’s the air and it’s green instead of blue and water.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “It’s pollen.” 

Rosie/Ezra: “Woah.”

Steven/Doug: “You do say some funny things, Ezra.” Nothing? At the moment Sir Doug is tolerating your weirdness because of the reason you’re here, the nobility thing. He’s just ignoring you two. You’re weird and he’s like, ‘I’m out.’ He finds your weird charming. 

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, I’m charming.

Jorja/Sassandra: What’s your Charm?

Rosie/Ezra: Minus one. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I thought so.

Steven/Doug: Nice.

Olive/Hode: “Shall we *cough* take a look around? Sorry, I’m done with that now. It was just a little funny.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yep. Alright.” I’m going to follow whatever tracks I can find. You said it looked like someone was pulled?

Tyrone/Keeper: So, from the front door all the way up the stairs to the bedroom at the top.

Olive/Hode: How dark is it in here?

Tyrone/Keeper: I mean, it’s midday roughly, so just natural light coming in still.

Olive/Hode: Yeah okay, so the curtains have been opened and things?

Tyrone/Keeper: The curtains are closed, so it’s just whatever is peeking through. It’s not darkness, like nighttime darkness, but it’s not a beautiful sunroom or anything. Somewhere in the middle.

Steven/Doug: Where are the drag marks going?

Tyrone/Keeper: Up the stairs and to the bedroom.

Steven/Doug: “Höde, would you be a dear and go up the stairs and see what’s going on in the bedroom?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Don’t follow me!”

Steven/Doug: Oh, you’re already going?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Steven/Doug: Oh, shit. 

Olive/Hode: “I mean, now I’m conflicted. I’ve been told two different things.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Do whatever you want Höde. Do whatever makes you happiest.”

Steven/Doug: No, I’m trying to manipulate him.

Olive/Hode: “Sorry, you want me to do something for Höde?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes.”

Olive/Hode: “What?”

Rosie/Ezra: “You are Höde, right?”

Olive/Hode: “Yes, I am Höde. My name is Höde Ador. Yeah, I’ll go up the stairs.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m already in the bedroom because that took two hours.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: So, on a ten plus, if they do what you ask they mark experience and they get plus one forward.”

Olive/Hode: Sweet, I will do that.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going up the stairs?

Olive/Hode: Yep.

Rosie/Ezra: Yes, I don’t think I’m quite qualified for this.

Jorja/Sassandra: That’s not what my note says.

Rosie/Ezra: Wait, what? What note?

Jorja/Sassandra: The one that that person signed.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh yeah, you’ve still got that. Oh no.

Jorja/Sassandra: It didn’t have anything on it. She just signed a blank piece of paper.

Rosie/Ezra: We could write anything we want on it. Amazing.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah. 

Rosie/Ezra: We could make copies.

Jorja/Sassandra: You’re starting to get it!

Rosie/Ezra: Cogs are turning.

Steven/Doug: You’re saying this as if magic doesn’t exist in the world.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m sorry, do you want to use some magic?

Steven/Doug: Oh god no. Don’t be absurd. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Again, it looks like there was a scuffle here in the bedroom. It looks-

Rosie/Ezra: Like a fun scuffle?

Jorja/Sassandra: You’re not here. 

Olive/Hode: Like a fun scuffle?

Rosie/Ezra: Thank you.

Tyrone/Keeper: No, not like a fun scuffle, no. Unless they’re into that.

Olive/Hode: “This doesn’t look very fun.”

Tyrone/Keeper: There’s a trenchcoat discard on the ground.

Olive/Hode: “Maybe it was fun.”

Tyrone/Keeper: There’s some papers and some sketches scattered around the floor.

Jorja/Sassandra: I pick them up. Can I have a look? 

Tyrone/Keeper: It looks to be some case notes written down. The name ‘Florence Webb.’ An address. A map with the captain’s address to this address. A pretty good file about the gardener. Yeah. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I quickly read those. It could have information. 

Steven/Doug: When you say case notes do you mean case notes about the address that we are currently at?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Steven/Doug: Alright, so they’re case notes that have been taken.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, it will have the location of Florence’s work as well: the greenhouse that he works at specifically because I’m sure that there are quite a few greenhouses.

Jorja/Sassandra: May I Read A Bad Situation again?

Tyrone/Keeper: It is a bad situation. You can roll it again.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I got a seven.

Tyrone/Keeper: You get one question. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, fuck it, I’m terrified. Are there any dangers we haven’t noticed?

Rosie/Ezra: *whispering* It’s me, I’m the danger.

Tyrone/Keeper: You have a little peer behind the curtains out the window to have a look at the view, and you can see there’s a soldier outside the window looking up, staring at the window, and they see you, and they see you look, and they turn and run away. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Which way are they running?

Tyrone/Keeper: Towards the greenhouse. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Well, is it a soldier I’ve seen before?

Tyrone/Keeper: No, it’s just a random soldier.

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay.

Olive/Hode: “Should I get him?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I think we should definitely follow, but maybe from a distance because he was just standing out there, and then when he was seen he ran, so it could be a trap or like minded with you.”

Olive/Hode: “Ah, the sneakies. How do you mean?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “We should go tell the others.”

Olive/Hode: “That’s probably important, but we can talk about that later because I’d like you to define that for me.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Of course.”

Steven/Doug: “How’s it going up there? Have you found anything?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Shh.”

Steven/Doug: “Are you dead?”

Jorja/Sassandra: *whispering* “Yes. Shut up.”

Olive/Hode: “No, we’re not dead!”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Shush. Quiet.”

Olive/Hode: “Sorry guys, we have to be sneaky!”

Rosie/Ezra: “Why do we have to be sneaky?!”

Olive/Hode: “There’s people watching us!”

Steven/Doug: “Good heavens, who’s watching us!?”

Olive/Hode: “A guard!”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, does he have vines?!”

Olive/Hode: “I did ask if we should follow him, but Sassandra wants to do a bit of a stealth operation!” 

Rosie/Ezra: “Well, if you see him now, does he notice that we’re yelling?!”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes!”

Steven/Doug: “Well, quickly! We must catch him before he escapes!”

Olive/Hode: “That’s what I said, but now he’s gone and gotten away!”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh no, I guess we can’t catch him. We don’t know where he was going.”

Rosie/Ezra: Can I have a Hunch?

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I sneak out the door?

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: Oh wait, on Sharp. I don’t have Sharp. I’m going to mark a luck and make mine a twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, what happens on your luck?

Rosie/Ezra: Once I get to doomed, it’s bad, but it’s a Spooky Special. I can use a luck to change a roll to a twelve or I can avoid all harm from an injury. I just have to mark off boxes, and when I mark off boxes my dark side’s needs will get nastier.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, as you guys are making your way down the stairs, we’re going to do a two in one. As your dark side’s needs become more prevalent including paranoia and poor impulse control, without saying a word you;re going to dart out of the house and sprint after that man.

Olive/Hode: Höde will see this and immediately follow suit, darting out of the door chasing after her. In a hushed whisper so that no one can hear, *whispering* Rosie/Ezra: “Wait, no, stop. We have to be sneaky. Stop, we’re sneaking.” Running at full speed.

Steven/Doug: “Huzza! We’re off!” Sir Doug too will charge out of the door.

Jorja/Sassandra: Sassandra just cries. “Arlight, come on Vervain. At least if we’re a little bit behind them we might not get hurt.” 

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, the greenhouse is where you’ve chased this man to. This area is rows and rows and rows of greenhouses. You follow him into one that is full of all the different plant life that is needed to sustain a city this large - produce of every sort. Throw out a fantasy fruit if you want.

Rosie/Ezra: Apples but purple. It’s the first thing I thought of.

Jorja/Sassandra: Nirn root. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Nirn root. I picture growing goodberries.  

Rosie/Ezra: Watermelons but they’re apple-sized and you can eat the skin too.

Tyrone/Keeper: Without a word that man has stopped, but you’re sprinting past because you can see this dragonborn noble who is wrapped around in vines being held up in the air, and you tackle them to the ground.

Rosie/Ezra: Look at me go. Yeah, cool.

Olive/Hode: How does the guard react to that happening?

Tyrone/Keeper: The soldier is going to make a move to another figure who is wrapped around in vines now, and is in fact the captain.

Olive/Hode: I’m going to cast some magic.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh shit, what are you doing with magic?

Olive/Hode: I’m going to bar a place or portal to a specific person or a type of creature.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. 

Olive/Hode: Can I bar the space where the vines are wrapping around the captain from humanoid creatures?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, just like a small sphere around him, basically?

Olive/Hode: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, roll Use Magic. Roll Weird.

Olive/Hode: Let’s roll Weird.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hode: That’s a twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh shit, son. ‘The magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’

Olive/Hode: Beautiful, so it’s this transparent bubble that suddenly wraps itself around the captain, and as the guard goes over to, I assume, help-

Tyrone/Keeper: No.

Olive/Hode: No?   

Tyrone/Keeper: The guard’s gone over to stab a bitch.

Olive/Hode: “Höde’s made a mistake.”

Jorja/Sassandra: So, the captain is wrapped up in vines?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes. 

Jorja/Sassandra: And the soldier went over.

Tyrone/Keeper: With his sword drawn.

Jorja/Sassandra: With his sword drawn. Did it look like he had intent to cut the vines or the captain, and then you’ve just done what?

Olive/Hode: I’ve just wrapped a translucent bubble around the captain, so that no humanoid creatures can interfere with it. I wrap the bubble and I look at the guard, and I just say, “Hello.”

Steven/Doug: What’s the captain look like when he’s wrapped up in vines? When you say wrapped up, is it limbs? Is it neck? It is mouth?

Tyrone/Keeper: I want to picture it’s like a spider’s wrap, so you can see the head and the eyes, but the body is wrapped around. The arms and the legs are tight-knitted together, so you can see a little bit of arms and a little bit of legs and the head.

Steven/Doug: “Elfie, is this what your vision looked like?”

Rosie/Ezra: “I’m in the middle of tackling. It does look remarkably similar! Yeah, no, it does look like that. Yeah.” The one I’m tackling has vines, right?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, it also has vines in a similar situation - mummified.

Rosie/Ezra: I have a plan.

Steven/Doug: I would like to cut the vines. 

Rosie/Ezra: I’ll let him try it first.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’re holding him to the ground, and Doug’s come in like, ‘I’m going to cut the vines’? Of the dragonborn?

Steven/Doug: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: Because you can’t enter the space of the other one anyway.

Steven/Doug: Well, just because Ezra has tackled him, and we’re besties.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I’ll hold him down. Sir Doug can do the cutting.

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah. Roll an Act Under Pressure. I think that’s the best way, which is a plus Cool.

Steven/Doug: Act Under Pressure? I don’t have any cool. I’m not cool.

Olive/Hode: Under Pressure.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: You’re really not. 

Steven/Doug: Three.

Jorja/Sassandra: You get experience though. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Ay. Sir Doug, you’ve gone to help, sword raised, and you’ve tripped over the vines, and now you have one wrapped around your ankle.  

Rosie/Ezra: “Sir Doug!” Can I take out my big knife, and I want to enchant it?

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Big knife.’

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, that’s what it says it is.

Steven/Doug: Oh wait, the monster has captured me. I mark experience. I’m Always The Victim.

Tyrone/Keeper: Ay.

Jorja/Sassandra: You’ve levelled up.

Steven/Doug: Yeah, I’ve levelled up.

Tyrone/Keeper: Wait, you’ve levelled up again?

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Rosie/Ezra: My gosh.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sorry, we need to pause for a second Ezra, someone has levelled over here.

Steven/Doug: I tripped and fell into a level up.

Olive/Hode: I hate when that happens.

Tyrone/Keeper: You weren’t even farming it today.

Steven/Doug: No, that was accidental. Well, there’s one here that says, ‘The Power of Heart: When fighting a monster, if you help someone, don’t roll plus Cool. You automatically act as if you rolled a plus ten.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh damn, okay.

Olive/Hode: Oh shit.

Tyrone/Keeper: Are you going to be helping people out?

Steven/Doug: ‘When fighting.’ Yeah sure, why not? The Power of Heart. Let’s do it. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, so you automatically grant them a plus one. That’s fucking sick. Moving back to Ezra, you’re enchanting your big knife. 

Rosie/Ezra: I am. I would like to enchant it because then it gets plus one harm and plus magic, so I’m going to enchant it -hopefully successfully - and then I’m going to stab the vines on Sir Doug.

Steven/Doug: Appreciated.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: That was an eleven.

Tyrone/Keeper: Hell yeah. ‘On a ten plus, your magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’

Rosie/Ezra: Enchant a weapon. Alright, it’s enchanted. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What does this look like? Don’t just, ‘Yeah, it’s enchanted.’ Give me a fucking description. 

Rosie/Ezra: I was trying to get the audience to use their imagination. 

Steven/Doug: Type in the comments. What does this look like?

Rosie/Ezra: So, it’ll look like… I’ll get out my big knife, and then I do this big, spinny, really over the top, woozy kind of movement, and this blue water-like stuff criss-crosses around it from two different circular directions, and then it splashes up and falls over it like it’s encased it in a bubble and it keeps this glow.

[water splashes]

Tyrone/Keeper: Beautiful, and you can cut down the vines.

Rosie/Ezra: Do I have to roll for that?

Tyrone/Keeper: That would be an Act Under Pressure again, I believe. That’s the same roll I made you do to cut vines.  

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, okay.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: Hahaha. Oh, that’s not too bad. I rolled a seven. Oh no, that’s not great.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘The Keeper is going to give you a hard choice, worse outcome, or price to pay.’

Rosie/Ezra: What I could do is change it to a twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: Are you going to?

Rosie/Ezra: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: Jesus.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m getting closer to doomed.

Tyrone/Keeper: We’ll figure out the consequences of that luck in a second, but for now, ‘On a ten plus you do what you set out to do,’ which is cut down the vines holding Sir Doug back.

Rosie/Ezra: “You’re free.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh, thank you.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Any time.” Can I just continue slashing?

Jorja/Sassandra: Sass has been looking through her notes. She’s like, “I- I haven’t seen one of these before,” and I’m going to use Cryptid Sighting. ‘You take notes of any strange creatures. Any time you see a new creature you may immediately ask one of the Investigate A Mystery questions.’ I’m going to choose what can hurt it? What?

Olive/Hode: The only relevant question.

Jorja/Sassandra: I don’t give a shit about the rest.

Steven/Doug: To the point, to the point. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You are in a greenhouse, and the threat appears to be plant-life because there are vines, so the best course of action would probably be fire. Gathering from the pollen and the spores you’ve been seeing, it’s possible that something like salt might harm the plant as well.   

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, okay, okay.

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s what you’re gathering from the plant-like things you’re seeing.

Steven/Doug: It’s not halotolerant. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I love the use of that word.  

Steven/Doug: It’s such a cool word.

Jorja/Sassandra: It is. May I use some magic?

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to do one thing that is beyond human limitations. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Jorja/Sassandra: And I’m going to go around the back from where the captain is, and I’m going to put my hands near the vine - just outside the bubble - and cast fire. I’m going to make fire.

Tyrone/Keeper: Holding your little effigy?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes, yes. Yes. 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I rolled a seven, but I haven’t used any luck, so I’m going to make it a twelve. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What does your luck do?

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Searcher Special: When you spend a point of luck your first encounter comes up in play. It could be a flashback, new occurrence, or related event.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Sass, where were you when your mother was taken from you by a figure with big wings with red eyes?

Jorja/Sassandra: Well, we were going to pick some berries to mix paints because she was teaching me how to express myself through art. You know that weird art teacher? So, we went out to pick some berries, and I found some really cool ones. They had some really deep green leaves, and I thought that would be a pretty colour, and it was just outside of town actually, and I heard some kind of twigs snapping but not on the ground, from above. It was really strange, and then I turned around, and something had shrouded my mum in a cape.

Rosie/Ezra: I was picturing a vampire, like bleh!   

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘I want to suck your blood’

Tyrone/Keeper: As you’re casting this spell and you’re holding this effigy, you get burned into your vision the look of that creature before it turned around and flew away with these red eyes staring at you. That’s what you see as you cast this spell. Like, ‘Fire!’

Jorja/Sassandra: Yikes. Well…

Tyrone/Keeper: Höde, you feel something awaken in you. You feel as if someone very important to you is being threatened by this fire, and you feel a certain rage against the person who made the fire, I guess, caused by these beautiful pollen and spores that we’ve been inhaling all day.

Olive/Hode:  Ah yeah. Alright. Okay, okay, okay. 

Steven/Doug: Protect the mother.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sorry Höde.

Olive/Hode:  I look over and you see the same colour as the pollen flash across my eyes, and my brow furrows at you. “Stop that now!” and I’ll use magic to trap you.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hode:  It’s a nine.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘It works imperfectly. Choose your effect and a glitch.’

Olive/Hode:  ‘Trap a specific person, minion, or monster,’ so trapped, and the glitch that we’ll go with is, ‘The effect is of a short duration.’ 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Olive/Hode:  Yeah, I'll do that.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re doing the fire magic, but now you’re stuck there with this fire magic that you’re spreading.  

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh no, I’m trapped in the exact spot I wanted to be in doing the thing I wanted to do. I guess I'll keep burning this vine. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Good luck when it spreads to the plants around you. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I don’t give a fuck. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Jesus Christ.

Steven/Doug: “Höde, what are you doing?”

Olive/Hode:  “She’s doing something I don’t like, but I don’t know why. I don’t know why. Why?”

Steven/Doug: “I don’t like magic either, but it seems to be the only thing we can use to stop these plants.”

Olive/Hode:  “It’s not the magic. It’s something else. I can’t-”

Jorja/Sassandra: “It’s the pollen! His mind is all fucked.”

Olive/Hode:  “More fucked than it already was?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I said all fucked.”

Olive/Hode:  “Oh.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra.

Rosie/Ezra: Hello.

Tyrone/Keeper: Remember that paranoia thing that your spirit-thing has that you’ve just aggravated a little bit by your luck points?

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Olive/Hode:  Two luck points.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah. You’re getting a bit paranoid that maybe the pollen is affecting Sassandra and she’s lying to throw off the scent. 

Steven/Doug: Y’all should stop doing magic. It’s just stupid.

Rosie/Ezra: So, I think that she is doing bad by trying to get the dude out of the vines and that Höde is doing right by trapping her.

Tyrone/Keeper: Well, Sassandra is setting the vines on fire on the guy who’s trapped, so maybe you think that she’s trying to set him on fire or something.

Rosie/Ezra: Okay. Oh god. “Guys, I think that we need to- There’s something very not right happening right here. Kay.” I’m going to use magic to put water all over her.

Olive/Hode:  More magic, yay!

Rosie/Ezra: I literally cut out Sir Doug, and I give him a little pat on the head to make sure he’s okay, but then I quickly run over and I squirt water all over her if I can make water with magic.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, give it a roll.

Jorja/Sassandra: After she said that I say, “Yeah, there’s something not right. Höde just tried to trap this man in the vines. Yeah, we all forgot about that, didn’t we?”

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I got a ten.

Tyrone/Keeper: A ten? ‘On a ten plus, the magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to just drench them in water, completely drench them in water.

Steven/Doug: Isn’t she in a shield?

Jorja/Sassandra: No, I’m trapped. I’m not in a bubble.

Steven/Doug: Oh okay, right. 

Rosie/Ezra: And I’m going to have a little tear come down my eye, and be like, “Sass, I thought we could trust you.”

Steven/Doug: Can I please Read a Bad Situation?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I please ask if my fire did anything? 

Tyrone/Keeper: The fire started spreading up the vines, and so it separated the vine wrapping around the captain and the source before it got extinguished. Does that make sense?

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, so if he unravels is he free?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah. He’s still bound up, so he’s trying to wriggle free. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Alright.

Steven/Doug: Can I read into three different moral compasses?

Rosie/Ezra: Can I add Hex onto that because I forgot?

Jorja/Sassandra: Can you fuck off?

Tyrone/Keeper: What are you hexing?

Rosie/Ezra: I just want to make the target break something precious or important because I feel like it would be chaotic.

Tyrone/Keeper: Do you have to do anything for that?

Rosie/Ezra: No, it just happens when I cast a spell.

Jorja/Sassandra: Rosie!

Rosie/Ezra: It doesn’t have to be your thing. It can be anything precious or important.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m in a fucking greenhouse that I don’t care about!

Tyrone/Keeper: The target being Sassandra?

Rosie/Ezra: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: What breaks?

Rosie/Ezra: I don’t know.

Tyrone/Keeper: I don’t want to say it’s the effigy, but is it the effigy because you’re holding the effigy?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, it’s the effigy.

Rosie/Ezra: What’s an effigy?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. It’s not important or significant.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, so as your fire dissipates and you’re holding it you crumple it?

Jorja/Sassandra: I think in her anger of you, Höde, clearly doing something shady in the background that everyone’s ignored, and then me trying to help, and then you getting infected and doing something again to stop me from helping, and then whatever the fuck Ezra’s doing.  

Rosie/Ezra: Dark forces, what can I say?

Jorja/Sassandra: And then she’s in pure frustration of, “I’m just trying to help. This is why I work alone!” and she rips it from her neck, and it’s in her fist in pieces.

Tyrone/Keeper: And the hold over you is broken in that moment as well so you can crumple it.

Jorja/Sassandra: You win some, you lose some.

Tyrone/Keeper: Doug. Sir Doug, you’re reading a bad situation.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Yeah, I rolled a seven on a Read a Bad Situation. I would like to know what is the best way to protect the victims?

Jorja/Sassandra: Depends on who you think the victim is.

Rosie/Ezra: I was going to say, who are the victims here?

Steven/Doug: It says victims. I want a breakdown of everyone in the room and how I protect each one. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s going to be to find the source of the vines and kill it at its source, so you can get rid of the vines, and the people like the captain and the dragonborn, and it’s the source of their fucking mess as well because they’re at odds with each other.

Jorja/Sassandra: Don’t point at me. I didn’t make a mess! I’m in a mess because of two idiots.

Rosie/Ezra: No, you’re actually a bit cleaner since the water.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll kill you.

Olive/Hode: You set fire to some vines. I mean, that was pretty…

Jorja/Sassandra: They were killing someone.

Olive/Hode: You don’t know that. They could have just been giving them a tight hug.

Steven/Doug: Based on that information, I’m going to look down and follow the vine trail as far as I can see. Without moving. Just see.

Tyrone/Keeper: They all seem to go to one source in the middle of the greenhouse. It seems to be under the soil a bit.

Steven/Doug: And then i’m going to attempt to… Oh, I don’t need to manipulate you. I’m going to ask you to fire that thing because you seem to know. Based on decision that have been made, I think that you’re doing a good job, so I’m going to ask if you will run down and put fire on that, and I will help.

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay. Reluctantly.

Rosie/Ezra: I just want to really quickly run up to Doug and be like, “I think there’s something that we don’t know about Sass. There’s something that feels really really weird, and I don’t think that she’s telling the entire truth. I just wanted to let you know that it doesn’t feel quite right. I just have this feeling.”

Steven/Doug: “Okay, you just doused her in water.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Because of that feeling.”

Steven/Doug: “Okay, I think there may be something wrong with you as well.”

Rosie/Ezra: “No. Anyway, we should… I’m just letting you know.”

Steven/Doug: Can I manipulate her and tell her to calm down?

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. Roll a Manipulate Someone.

Steven/Doug: I’m going to manipulate her into believing that she might also be a little crazy. That’s what I want her to…

Tyrone/Keeper: Consider the possibility.

Steven/Doug: Consider the possibility. Exactly, but based on what you’ve done, you’ve done, and you’ve done, you’re all looking at each other and being like, ‘You’re all doing the wrong thing.’ My thought may be you’re all not of solid mind.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: What’s that? Eleven.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a ten plus, if they do what you ask they mark experience and mark plus one forward.’

Rosie/Ezra: Wait, I get experience?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, winning.

Steven/Doug: You’re like, ‘I’ll do it!’ 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, what do you say to Ezra?

Steven/Doug: So, I’m going to say, ‘Maybe the possibility is that something is messing with their minds, and it might not be you who is of solid mind, so I’m going to help her burn this plant.”

Rosie/Ezra: “You know what? Now that I’ve taken some deep breaths and I’ve spoken to someone as noble as you. Maybe you’re right. Yeah, yeah. You know she’s good, right? Yeah. She’s helped us,”

Steven/Doug: “Yeah, exactly.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I’m sorry for putting water on you.”

Steven/Doug: “Weird one, do the magic!”

Jorja/Sassandra: The hold has fallen, so I’m going to run over holding my broken effigy. I’m going to be like, “Okay, please, please. Mum, please,” and try to cast fire again.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, give it a go.

Olive/Hode: My question was what is the guard currently doing amongst all of this chaos?

Tyrone/Keeper: He’s almost standing back a bit. He’s like, ‘Alright, my job here is done, so master, you do what you’ve got to do.’

Steven/Doug: He didn’t seem to be phased by the burning of the vines?

Tyrone/Keeper: In Monster of the Week there’s monsters and there’s minions, and the minions, their type is called The Renfield, which is to push victims towards the monster.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I rolled a ten.

Tyrone/Keeper: The flower petals that were the effigy’s eyes, they start to glow a bit and give you the magic.

Jorja/Sassandra: Alright, if I feel it starting to work, I’m going to reach down to the very root of the issue and immediately hold it where the fire is coming from.  

Tyrone/Keeper: You can see the vines wriggling around a whole heap now. Thankfully you cut the one on Captain Yes-

Jorja/Sassandra: He’s just like, ‘Beep, boop, beep, boop.’

Steven/Doug: *imitating screaming moving back and forth quickly*

Tyrone/Keeper: The one on the dragonborn was never cut.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh shit, did we…

Steven/Doug: But the one of Doug was cut.

Jorja/Sassandra: Thank goodness. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, the dragonborn is flying around the room right now. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Does he look familiar?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep.

Jorja/Sassandra: Shit. 

Steven/Doug: That’s what dragons do. Live the dream! 

Tyrone/Keeper: And this body is wiggling up - the plant body - up the soil, and it’s wiggling up. It looks to be some sort of fungus or mushroom.

Rosie/Ezra: “Do you think it’s edible?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Can someone cut him down?”

Rosie/Ezra: I can run and cut.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I’m going to run and cut. Do I roll to cut with the big knife? Is it still enchanted after I enchanted it, right?

Tyrone/Keeper: I’m going to say yes.

Steven/Doug: I’m going to help her do it.

Rosie/Ezra: Yay. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going to give her a lift. You’re going to run, jump, lift. 

Rosie/Ezra: We’re doing the Dirty Dancing lift. 

Steven/Doug: Hell yeah. 

Tyrone/Keeper: I almost want to say now it’s a Kick Some Ass.

Steven/Doug: I help, and with the Power of Heart I succeed. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: Well that’s a ten plus what do I get from you?

Steven/Doug: Plus one.  

Rosie/Ezra: Eleven, so that’s still ten plus.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a ten plus, choose an extra effect.’

Rosie/Ezra: I would like to force them where I want them.

Tyrone/Keeper: Where do you want them?

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to force the vine into the fire.

Tyrone/Keeper: Run, jump, lift, cut the vines that are surrounding this dragonborn, and then throw the rest of the vines onto the fire.

Rosie/Ezra: And as I’m doing it I’m going, “Hi-ya!”

Jorja/Sassandra: Good addition.

Tyrone/Keeper: How much harm does your big knife do with its enchantment?

Rosie/Ezra: Now it does two now. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Beautiful, and this wonderful dragonborn noble falls out, and it is indeed one of the missing grooms from the wedding: Lu-Kass.

Jorja/Sassandra: Fuck! How are these vines going?

Tyrone/Keeper: Burning away slowly. I think the soldier that is standing against the wall is starting to make a move towards you. As is the newly freed Lu-Kass. He’s going to make a move towards you, and the Captain is going to attempt to make a move towards you, but he’s just hitting against the bubble now that they’ve made their way out of the vines.

Steven/Doug: “Höde, stop them!”

Olive/Hode: “Who am I stopping?”

Steven/Doug: “The two. The dragon and the soldier.”

Olive/Hode: I’ll reach out my hand-

Steven/Doug: Oh, I should probably see if I- I’m going to manipulate you, so I guess I’ll see if you actually get it. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: You don’t. Seven. Okay, ‘You mark the experience if you do what they asked.’

Olive/Hode: Yeah, I will do it because I want that experience. Yoink.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, so you’re going to attack the dragonborn or the solider?

Olive/Hode: Well, the captain is trapped in a bubble still, right?

Steven/Doug: No, I said stop them. Like, bubble them. Just like you have with the captain, do with the other one. I’m like, ‘She can do fire. Do that again. You made a shield. Do that again.’ I don’t understand how it works, but it seems to be working. Keep doing what you’re doing. Input the same commands. You did it before.

Olive/Hode: I’ll Use Magic to banish a spirit or curse from the person, place, or object that it inhabits, so if they’re working against their will by some sort of curse, I’ll attempt to circulate my energy. You’ll see some small, little tattoos on the fingers and under the palm light up as this small orb of this greenish energy will sift and circle around and very slowly wisp out, and then it’ll grab onto the soldier and I’ll pull the curse from his body. 

Steven/Doug: Doug is going to raise up his handkerchief again. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Give it a roll.

Olive/Hode: Yeah, I’ll give it a roll, and I’ve also got plus one because I succeeded on magic last roll.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hode: Six, nine, ten!

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh shit, you needed that. ‘The magic works without issue, choose your effect,’ which is to banish them.

Olive/Hode: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: From the solider?

Olive/Hode: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Olive/Hode: Hard choices, hard choices to make. No actually, I am going to go for the dragonborn. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. You can physically see all of this green come out of the dragonborn as all of the pollen and all of the spores are ejected from their body. 

Steven/Doug: “Elfie, are you able to do that?”

Rosie/Ezra: “I don’t think so. Wait, can I?”

Steven/Doug: I don’t know how magic works. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I quickly… I have cryptid hunting gear.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to assume I may have salt on me.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, no yeah.

Steven/Doug: How else will she throw it over her shoulder?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: I was thinking, is it ghosts?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah. I am going to, whilst firing, try to make a…

Steven/Doug: I can carry salt.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh okay, “Doug help.”

Steven/Doug: “Sure.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Can you just draw a ring around me?”

Steven/Doug: Wow.

Jorja/Sassandra: “You can walk in it once you’re done, but I need to make sure he can’t get me.”

Steven/Doug: “Sure.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thanks. I feel like it might help. I don’t know, and if not, just throw it at him.” 

Rosie/Ezra: I can do that thing, right? Expel the shrooms?

Steven/Doug: Doug’s thought process was that the spores are in you guys. I don’t know who. It’s but in you guys. I know. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It could be in yourself. 

Steven/Doug: Because he just did that, so I thought if you could do that on him and he’s safe, and he could do it back on you and you’d be… You know. I’m not going to try it 

Rosie/Ezra: Ezra’s not going to make the connection that he’s got spores in him. 

Steven/Doug: Never mind, I’m putting salt around things now. 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thank you, dear.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, could you please roll and Act Under Pressure, which is a plus Cool. 

Steven/Doug: I haven’t got any of that.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Seven. 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘The Keeper is going to give you a worse outcome, hard choice, or price to pay.’

Steven/Doug: I can pay whatever. I’ve got money.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re putting salt around the circle, but you are exposing yourself to the danger of the soldier coming to swing down their sword on you, so you can continue doing the salt circle and get hit, or you could stop and not get hit.

Steven/Doug: What could go wrong? I’ll keep going. I’m fine.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, you…

Steven/Doug: Is this charging immediately into danger? You’ve just presented me with danger and I’m doing it anyway. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Steven/Doug: I’d like to reduce someone’s harm suffered by one.

Tyrone/Keeper: Being yours?

Steven/Doug: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Well, he is going to deal three harm with his sword. 

Steven/Doug: Cool, well I have two armour and I reduce it by one, so that’s zero.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep.

Steven/Doug: “I’m invincible!”

Tyrone/Keeper: But the salt circle is now complete. It is screaming - the fungus - and it is near death.  

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll pour more salt on it, why not?

Steven/Doug: I’m going to empty whatever is left onto the plant.

Tyrone/Keeper: Onto the plant? That is actually the final straw, is the salt. That is one of its weaknesses used to kill it. As it’s dying, it wriggles the full body out of the ground, and you can see it has little arms and little legs and a little face on it as well as it’s sort of drying out into the death of a Zelda boss.

Rosie/Ezra: That is horrifying.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m drawing it.

Steven/Doug: I’m stifling a vomit.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m taking notes. “Salt. Fire.”

Steven/Doug: Handkerchief to face.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Spores - bad.”

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s dying out and everyone comes to their senses. You’ve got Lu-Kass.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh yeah, I would run straight to him. 

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “My gosh, is that you Sass?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Luke!”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “You came for our wedding, didn’t you?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I did, and then you weren’t here, and I saw Lin-Dare”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “Oh yeah, she’s probably very upset that the wedding didn’t go ahead as scheduled. She’s a bit of a control freak.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, she was not happy, but I’m glad you’re okay.”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “Thank you so much.”

Steven/Doug: “Ah, Lu,” and I’m going to extend my hand out.

Jorja/Sassandra: “You remember Sir Doug?”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “I’m sure that Doug remembers me.”

Steven/Doug: “Yes, well it was your wedding.”

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve got Captain Yes, he’s hitting against the bubble now going:

Tyrone/Captain Yes: *struggling*

Jorja/Sassandra: “Höde, can you get rid of it?”

Olive/Hode: “Get rid of what?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “The thing that he’s trapped in. That you trapped him in at the start to get killed by vines.”

Olive/Hode: “Oh. Oh, how do I say this…? No.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “We’ll figure it out.”

Olive/Hode: “If you want him I want to trade.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “What do you want?”

Olive/Hode: “Trinkets. Baubles.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I have a lot of shells back at Seaworld. Do you like shells? They’re trinkety.”

Olive/Hode: “Shells are kind of cool. Not worth it though, sorry. I do need him.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You need him?”

Olive/Hode: “Yes. It’s nothing against you. It’s just that I have to.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Why?”

Steven/Doug: “What do you need him for?”

Olive/Hode: “I think it was death.”

Steven/Doug: Can I Read a Bad Situation?

Tyrone/Keeper: Go for it.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh shit. ‘On a ten plus, hold three.’ You’ve got three questions.

Steven/Doug: What’s the biggest threat? 

Tyrone/Keeper: The biggest threat is Höde’s boss that they talked about before. 

Steven/Doug: What’s the best way to protect the victims?

Olive/Hode: “Uh oh.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Use your own magic to dispel the shield, or… In D&D terms it’s to break the concentration of the caster, essentially. You need to use your own magic to dispel, or interfere with the caster.

Jorja/Sassandra: I go Weird. You go Tough.   

Steven/Doug: Sounds good.

Jorja/Sassandra: I think you get one more.

Steven/Doug: Are there any dangers that we haven’t noticed? Other than Höde.

Olive/Hode: Can I just interject and say that during this I would have been slowly moving the area of the bubble down into the ground, so inch by inch it is starting to squish.

[magic resonance]

Tyrone/Keeper: That is probably the best bet then. The danger is the imminent squishing.

Rosie/Ezra: Do I notice the imminent squishing?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, he’s probably like, ‘*struggling*’. I’m going to use magic to try and break the spell.

Steven/Doug: What action would it be to try and knock Höde out? Not kill him.

Olive/Hode: Yeah, no.

Steven/Doug: Just knock him unconscious.

Tyrone/Keeper: Kick Some Ass?

Steven/Doug: Alright. Sorry Höde, I’m going to kick your arse. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, each of you roll your things.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to use luck.

Steven/Doug: I’m also going to use luck.

Tyrone/Keeper: What does your luck thing do?

Steven/Doug: When I spend a point of luck I find something weird, maybe even useful. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Sassandra.

Jorja/Sassandra: Hello.

Tyrone/Keeper: As you’re holding the remains of this effigy, it is going to reform in your hands as you get that same burn into your vision. You hear a voice, like an echoey voice be like:

Tyrone/Creature: “Remember where your power comes from.”

Steven/Doug: ‘Without me, you’re nothing.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘With me, you’re weird!’

Tyrone/Keeper: What are you going to find that weird, maybe useful?

Steven/Doug: What’s on Höde?

Olive/Hode: I would say that Höde would be in a bit of inner conflict right now. You can see the determination. He’s using his magic to make the ball slip down, but he’s not really looking at that. He’s looking at you, and he’s very unsure about what he’s doing.  

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re tackling him, essentially?

Steven/Doug: I want to knock him out.  

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going to hit him with the blunt of your sword? Donk.

Olive/Hode: Can I avoid it? Can I say, ‘No, don’t bonk me.’

Steven/Doug: No. You can’t.

Jorja/Sassandra: No, you cannot.

Olive/Hode: Well, how much harm would you do to me?

Jorja/Sassandra: Only a widdle.

Olive/Hode: Just a widdle bit.

Jorja/Sassandra: Just a widdle bit.

Tyrone/Keeper: I’m going to say that the bubble is coming down with an automatic twelve. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, ‘on a ten plus, the magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’

Jorja/Sassandra: The effect is that the bubble goes away. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep.

Olive/Hode: “No! No, no. Please, no. Don’t. Stop. No, no, no. You don’t understand. If I don’t do this, we’ll be in a lot of trouble.”

Jorja/Sassandra: To cast it, I would go over and put my hands onto it, and from within - like a light turning on - it’s going to glow and then shatter.

[magical discord]

Jorja/Sassandra: And then I’m going to go over and stand in front of the captain. Between him and Höde, but close by.

Olive/Hode: “You don’t understand. He has to die. He has to go. He’s got to disappear.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Why? You can tell us. We’re all friends.”

Steven/Doug: I want to hit.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, I guess inflict your harm on Höde, and I assume it’s, ‘you force them where you want them.’

Olive/Hode: You take three harm from my shotgun.

[laughter]

Olive/Hode: Sorry, no. We decided it was a magical item of some sort. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s some sort of crossbow-ish thing.

Olive/Hode: Yeah, it’s some sort of hybrid/magical crossbow. Yep, you come in and try and swing at me, and I just go, ‘Bonk!’

Steven/Doug: Sure, I’ll take one because I’ve got armour. 

Olive/Hode: It’s close and messy range.

Tyrone/Keeper: And you, how much harm has Höde taken?

Steven/Doug: Oh, he only takes two. I’m not trying to kill you. 

Olive/Hode: “Ow. I’m so sorry.”

Steven/Doug: No, no. There’s no ‘ow.’ You’re unconscious. 

Olive/Hode: Due to what effect?

Steven/Doug: I force them where I want them. You are unconscious.

Jorja/Sassandra: Your head hit the floor. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Let’s say you force them on the ground. Let’s go in the middle. Maybe not knocked out, but you’ve knocked him over and he’s not feeling great.

Olive/Hode: Yeah.

Steven/Doug: I knock him on his arse.  

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, as you’re laying on the ground and you’re trying to focus, you can see the newly freed Captain Yes, and a portal opens up at their feet and yoinks them down.

[magical ringing]

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I react?

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure.

Steven/Doug: Brings them down?

Tyrone/Keeper: Captain Yes.

Olive/Hode: “No, no, no. See? Oh, I’m in trouble now. We’re in trouble. You should have just let me do it. You should have just let me do it.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Is it Act Under Pressure? Protect Someone?  

Tyrone/Keeper: Let’s go Act Under Pressure. Protect Someone seems to be more for preventing them from harm.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Yeah, I’m not helping you there.

Jorja/Sassandra: I don’t really know him.

Tyrone/Keeper: You go to dive after them, but you’re keeping a fail? 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yep, keeping a fail. I rolled a four, I think, but I level up. 

Tyrone/Keeper: I want to say, Sir Doug, you find a ring that was dropped by Captain Yes. It’s got a little insignia on it. You can have that. Alright Jorja, I have to take a hard move against you.

Steven/Doug: She doesn’t care, she’s levelling up. Do your worst. I’m level three.

Tyrone/Keeper: What were you setting out to do?

Jorja/Sassandra: I wanted to grab them and prevent them from falling in the portal because it was underneath them.  

Tyrone/Keeper: Instead you-

Jorja/Sassandra: Quickly, I feel like if you say something that’s about to happen, and then I say what I’ve chosen then  you’re going to be like, ‘Well, that’s purely because of what’s happening.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh yeah, what’s happening?

Jorja/Sassandra: So, I’m choosing, ‘Take another first encounter move based on a recent mystery,’ and it is the one that I’ve been looking at since the start, which is, ‘Things are not fixed’ - It’s called Zone of Strangeness. ‘Things are not fixed. You never need to Act Under Pressure when supernatural forces alter the environment around you. You gain two armour against harm from sudden changes to the law of physics.’ I feel like that’s apt for what just happened. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep. You go to grab Captain Yes, but you miss them altogether, and you sort of penguin slide into the portal after him.

[fanfare]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Keeper: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as The Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager, Steven Edwards as Doug, Olive Jerome as Höde, Rosemary Ochtman as Ezra, and Jorja Odd as Sassandra. Elias Moffat is our content producer, narrative consultant, and transcriber, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and an Editing Assistant, so if any of those sound like you please send us an email or slide into our DMs. We’re also on a bunch of social media now, including Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.  

Olive/Hode: The only thing better than naming it Seaworld would just be to name it Wet ’n’ Wild.

Tyrone/Keeper: When things get Wet ‘n’ Wild.

Steven/Doug: That’s the capital. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I was going to say that’s their Las Vegas. 

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, Wet ‘n’ Wild is a bit too wild for me. I just stay at Seaworld.

Jorja/Sassandra: Not wet enough for me. 

-

Steven/Doug: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* They’ve got me, see. I’m restrained. 

Tyrone/Keeper: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* I’ve become the femme fatale.

-

Olive/Hode: Hey Magnolia, I think that…

Jorja/Sassandra: Who the fuck is Magnolia?

Olive/Hode: Fuck!

-

Olive/Hode: Oh, Magnolia, that’s a really cool…

Jorja/Sassandra: WHO IS MAGNOLIA!?

-

Tyrone/Keeper: I went to say Magnolia.

Olive/Hode: Yeah, right?

Jorja/Sassandra: She’s just iconic. You can’t get her out of your head.