Episode 4: The Plague

Fresh from their latest encounter, the team plans to head to the castle to recover, but they’re waylaid as they splash straight into their next case. Sassandra’s encounter leaves her dodging questions, while Ezra tempts fate once more. Höde suffers another loss, and Doug partakes in some tea.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and fantasy violence.

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Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Doug is Steven Edwards

Höde is Olive Jerome

Ezra is Rosemary Ochtman

Sassandra is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and Editing Assistant. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Water Splash 1 - qubodup

Water, Pouring, A - Inspector J

AMBIENCE 1 CRICKETS AT NIGHT -MessyAcousticApocalypse666

Foggy Passage - Victor_Natas

Magic 12 - RICHERlandTV

Army Return - groovy_blue

sad_RPG-town_background - SciCodeDev

CD_CONTACT_006FX_Magic_Mystery - kevp888

Schumann - Scenes from Childhood, Opus 15 - A Tale of Distant Lands (Arr. for Music Box) - GregorQuendel

Chopin - Nocturne in F minor, Op. 55 No. 1 - Concert Grand Mix - GregorQuendel

Tchaikovsky - The Seasons - March, Song of the Lark, Opus 37a (Arr. for Music Box) - GregorQuendel

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Rosie/Ezra: Hello poppets, we’ve got some content warnings, which are in the description below. If you want to take a little peek, you can find out all about it there. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Two figures pick their way hand-in-hand down the sturdy natural path that encircles a lake-like reservoir. The moonlight bounces off the hair of the one in front, so she looks like she gleams in the night. The figure she’s leading stares at the back of her head dreamily, even as she slows.

Tyrone/Pearl: Are you sure we won't get caught, Sandy? My parents will kill me if they find out we snuck in here

Tyrone/Keeper: She hedges. Sandy rounds to face her, reaching out to take her other hand as well. 

Tyrone/Sandy: I promise you we'll be fine! Just you and me under the moon, floating together. Can you think of anything better?

Tyrone/Keeper: At Pearl’s hesitant nod, Sandy bounces in excitement, tugging off her jacket and diving into the water. She doesn't surface. Pearl inches closer to the water, trying to spot her, but the water may as well be ink. She stops just shy of the water's edge. 

Tyrone/Pearl: Sandy?

Tyrone/Keeper: Something breaks the surface. It snatches her ankle. Pearl screams.

Tyrone/Sandy: Shh! Quiet, quiet, it's- it's just me!

Tyrone/Keeper: Sandy hisses between laughter. 

Tyrone/Sandy: I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

Tyrone/Keeper: Pearl breaks free from Sandy’s grip and huffs, sitting down to take off her shoes. 

Tyrone/Pearl: You'd better make that up to me.

Tyrone/Keeper: She tells her, stepping carefully into the water of the reservoir.

Tyrone/Sandy: And how do you suggest I do that?

Tyrone/Keeper: Pearl catches her wrist, reeling her in. 

Tyrone/Pearl: I’m sure you’ll think of something.

Tyrone/Keeper: They float together, listening to the quiet sounds of the night. Something brushes Pearl’s foot, a stray piece of kelp or foliage, She looks down, but in the dark she can hardly see past her waist into the jet-black water. Eventually, Sandy takes a breath and sinks back below the water. Pearl rolls her eyes and kicks away, unwilling to fall victim to her a second time. The kelp is back, catching her foot before she shoo’s it away with her other foot. Sandy breaks the surface a few metres away. She’s watching Pearl with an odd expression. Pearl doesn’t like the expression. Something in it makes her. . . it makes her sad. Sandy shouldn’t look like that.

Tyrone/Pearl: What’s up?

Tyrone/Keeper: She asks, paddling closer.

Tyrone/Sandy: I thought I felt you under the water. But you’re all the way over there.

Tyrone/Pearl: I’m here now. Must have been some kelp or something.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sandy levels her with a flat look. 

Tyrone/Sandy: Pearl. It’s a reservoir. There isn’t any kelp in the water. There isn’t. . . anything in the water but us.

Tyrone/Keeper: The something brushes against Pearl’s calf. Pearl pulls at her hands and frantically kicks to shore. Tears rush to her eyes, mixing with the reservoir water running down her face.

Tyrone/Sandy: I don’t understand.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sandy wails behind her. 

Tyrone/Sandy: We were supposed to have a romantic night out here and it’s ruined.

Tyrone/Keeper: To her horror, Pearl’s heart clenches in response and then she’s sobbing. There is no more room for fear around the overwhelming despair.

Tyrone/Pearl: I thought you’d think I was cool coming out here with you but I’m just a loser!

Tyrone/Keeper: She confesses between the hiccups. Sandy cries back. The two girls clamber out of the water and lie on the bank, clutching each other and sobbing. Slowly, the swirling water of the reservoir calms once more.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Keeper: Heyo. Welcome back to episode four of Portal Quandary: Monster of the Week. We’re literally at the halfway point now. We are halfway through the story, so shit is getting real. Shit went down at the end of last episode, so we’re going to dive right into that. Are you fucking ready Jorja?

Jorja/Sassandra: No.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re diving through a portal because you failed to grab Captain Yes.

Jorja/Sassandra: Mhmm, I am. 

Tyrone/Keeper: And you get spat out the other end at a nice little office. In here is an almost glowing white room with a single door, and there’s a desk - a nice mahogany desk - with a chair on either side, and on one end is this radiant figure with big angelic feathers and a monocle and a suit. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Huh, okay.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “This is a pleasant surprise. I was kind of hoping one of you would visit, actually. Take a seat.” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, thank you so much. I’ve heard so much about you,” and I’ll sit down.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Oh, there’s only one chair.”

Tyrone/Keeper: And she’ll click and another chair will appear.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Captain Yes, take a seat as well.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll pull out a chair for Captain Yes, and be like, “Come on.” 

Tyrone/Valtyra: “You hearing a lot about me is precisely the problem we’re going to have.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I went the wrong way. I took a gamble and it did not pay off.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “You see Höde… You know Höde?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah.” 

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Höde’s been a bit of a disappointment lately.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah.”

[laughter]

Olive/Höde: Above the ground, Höde just shivers at the back of his neck. “Oh.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “We’ve had some eyes on the rest of you, but you know what? I’m glad it was you out of the three others. I’m glad it was you.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thank you so much. I feel honoured.”

Steven/Doug: Pardon me a moment while I find a long implement and sit on it.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m pretty sure there’s already a pole up your arse.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “You’re competent, right?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Of course.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “And you, Captain Yes, you’re a little too competent. That’s why you’re here.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, you do take really good notes. Not that I’ve seen them.”

TyroneCaptain Yes: “Sassandra, what?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh yeah, nice to meet you, I think.”

TyroneCaptain Yes: “We met briefly. I gave you the mission of finding all the beasts.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh shit, you did too.”

TyroneCaptain Yes: “Did you forget already?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I’ve taken a few hits to the head, so yes.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “See, that mission is exactly why we needed to shut you up. Höde was supposed to get rid of you, but clearly you’re still here. So, you two are going to do the job for me instead, alright? Sounds good?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Uhh, what job?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “You’re going to get rid of those beasts, no fuss, and Captain Yes, you’re going to stop asking so many fucking questions and telling so many people, okay? You’re going to get the job done, nice and tight. Lips sealed.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay, why?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “See, you won’t supposed to see that at all. You weren’t supposed to see any of these portals, and I really fucked up in using all of these portals, and nobody was supposed to know about that. I already fucked up, so I’m going to minimise the damage.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “By making more portals and exposing two more people to it?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Well, you were already exposed, and - Captain Yes - it was either this or death, so…”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I’m listening.”

Steven/Doug: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘You got my attention, see?’

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Do you want to work for me?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Not particularly, but I feel like the other outcome is death, so…”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “You could see a lot of interesting creatures along the way. I hear that’s your particular interest. You keep a little journal about it.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Why are you obsessed with me?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “I keep notes on particular people of note.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Like who?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Like a certain creature with moth-like wings, red eyes, and likes to kidnap people from the woods.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “That sounds made up.”

TyroneCaptain Yes: “Are we just working with you on this one job, or do we got to keep working with you for good?” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “What he said.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “For good.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “See, I’ve kind of got some things lined up after this that I need to do.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Like what? Tell me.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I actually signed an NDA, so I can’t really talk about it.”

Steven/Doug: ‘I’m just here so I don’t get fined.’

Tyrone/Valtyra: “We are interested in particular beasts such as this moth-like figure, so if that was in your interest to find more things like this I could definitely make that a part of your contract. I could make it up right here.”

Tyrone/Keeper: She’s going to magic in a piece of paper.

[magical ripple]

Jorja/Sassandra: “What do you do with them?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Either kill them or return them back to where they’re supposed to be from.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Who makes that choice?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Me.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay.” The piece of paper, does it have words on it? Iis it just a blank piece of paper?  

TyroneKeeper: Pull your own fucking thing against you. It’s got words on it, yeah.

Jorja/Sassandra: She’s going to take out a pair of glasses out from her pocket, but one lens is fully cracked and the other isn’t there. She puts them on.

Tyrone/Keeper: I love that. The contract describes a job title for a Key Master they’re called who essentially keep interplanar peace. Anything that shouldn’t cross between the worlds they deal with, which usually involves monsters because they cause the most trouble. Although, sometimes people do cause a lot of trouble as well.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Obviously if I don’t sign it I die. What do I get out of signing it? Super?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “We’ve got super, dental..”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, like what's the deal?”

Steven/Doug: ‘Seventeen percent super.’

Tyrone/Valtyra: “A certain amount of hours of free therapy, which you are going to need.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes.”

Steven/Doug: ‘There’s tea and coffee in the coffee room.’

Olive/Höde: ‘I mean, you had me at dental.’

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Unlimited leave.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Unlimited?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Yeah.”

Steven/Doug: Yeah, you could take eternal leave.

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I do it right now?

Tyrone/Valtyra: “All expense paid for while you’re working on a job.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Privy to certain information.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay, that does sound good. If I do sign it does that mean Höde is my colleague?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Assuming we don’t terminate his contract.”

Steven/Doug: ‘The budget is looking tight this year.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘We’re taking on two new ones.’

Olive/Höde: Above, Höde is panicking that everyone’s gone, and then he turns around and looks at the others and just thinks, “You know, maybe this is where my luck begins to turn around.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “We could sign you up for a temporary contract - like a probationary period - and then at the end of the mission we could get you signed on full-time.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I like the sound of the probationary one.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “The same goes for you too, Captain Yes. You know too much.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You’re really good at your job.”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “I was already in before the probationary period.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, it kind of sounds cool actually. I don’t like the sound of the whole Höde as my colleague, but I’ll figure that out.”

Steven/Doug: Take it HR guys. You’re colleagues now.

Jorja/Sassandra: I haven’t signed yet.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “When you go back, obviously don’t speak a word about this to the other two. okay?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, of course. I don’t like talking to them about things I need to talk to them about.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “And when you do see Höde again please do tell him that Valtyra sends her regards and has taken another trinket box.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh okay, will do.”

Olive/Höde: Not my trinkets. No!

Tyrone/Keeper: She hands over a nice felt-tip pen.

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, I sign it. It’s as if a toddler picked up a crayon. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s thick.

Jorja/Sassandra: And it says Sass and then a little smiley face. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve snapped the felt-tip pen.

Jorja/Sassandra: And then I hand it to the captain.

Tyrone/Keeper: He’ll pull out his own pencil...

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, you’re so good at your job.”

Tyrone/Keeper: …From behind his ear, and he’ll sign it, and before you realise anything else you are back in the greenhouse.

[magic ringing followed by dramatic orchestral music]

Jorja/Sassandra: Is the captain there?

Tyrone/Keeper: The captain is there, and for the other three it has been five seconds.

Olive/Höde: “Oh, I don’t know where they went. They’re never going to come back- Oh.”

Steven/Doug: “Höde, they’re right there.”

Olive/Höde: “Oh, hello.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Where’d you get to?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Here.”

Rosie/Ezra: “But there was a portal.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, we just kind of fell for a bit, but we’re here so I think whatever portal you did was broken.”

Olive/Höde: “Are you alright?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Perfectly fine.”

Rosie/Ezra: I want to know if she’s lying. How can I tell?

Steven/Doug: You could Read A Bad Situation. You could Act Under Pressure.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I’m quite curious. Could I Investigate a Mystery because this is quite mysterious because it was a full on portal, and you did just disappear, and I did - a few seconds ago - not trust you?

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, sure. You’ve got shit Sharp anyway, don’t you?

Rosie/Ezra: Oh god, probably. Yeah. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I rolled a seven.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, ‘on a seven to nine, you can ask one of the questions.’

Rosie/Ezra: I would like to ask where did it go? It being Sass.

Tyrone/Keeper: You are familiar with portals. You summon beasts into the world sometimes, so you get the reading from the portal I’ll say that it goes somewhere off this plane. They went off the world of Phoenaxis and went somewhere else entirely. They haven't teleported to somewhere else in the city. They haven’t teleported to somewhere else in the world. They have teleported somewhere else entirely.

Rosie/Ezra: Interesting. Very interesting.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Why are you staring at me?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, I’m just…”

Steven/Doug: “Yes Elfie, you do look quite suspicious.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I mean, I guess maybe I am a little bit suspicious, but trust is very important to me, so I’d like to think that I could trust you all.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I would too until two of you turned on me.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Well look, I can blame my parents for that. That made some bad deals that I now have to deal with, but I’d like to think that we could all be honest with each other because that really is the most important thing moving forward, so I’m going to believe you. I don’t.”

Olive/Höde: “I don’t have an excuse. I’m sorry. You’re right. Höde made a bad deal a long time ago and I guess i’m just not what I used to be anymore.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Höde, I understand that. I don’t care. You can’t blame your parents for everything you do since I don’t see any parents here. Entirely your own actions. I hold it against you.”

Rosie/Ezra: “They give me these dark urges. It’s this spooky thing, you know? It’s a spook thing.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “I think we’ve all had a bit of a rough day. I think perhaps if we all head back to my residence for a cup of tea’

Olive/Höde: “I’m really sorry, but I actually still need to kill you.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I don’t think you do.”

Olive/Höde: “No, I think I definitely do.”

Steven/Doug: “Why on earth do you need to do that?”

Olive/Höde: “It’s just I have to.”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Wasn’t there something that we had to say to Höde?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes.” How do I play this out?

Steven/Doug: And I remember what it is. 

Olive/Höde: “Well, if you can’t remember it,” and Höde’s hands will start sifting around in front of him.

Jorja/Sassandra: “There’s a voice in my head, but I don’t know where it’s come from. They said to say hello and that another trinket box is gone.”

Olive/Höde: He stops. His head tilts to look at you. “What did you say?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Another trinket box is gone…?” I move back.

Olive/Höde: “Sass, what did you do with my trinkets? WHAT did you do with my trinkets?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I didn’t do anything. All I remember is a voice telling me this.”

Olive/Höde: “Whose voice?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I think they said… It started with a V.”

Olive/Höde: “Valtyra.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, that could be it.”

Steven/Doug: “Elfie, what is a Valtyra?”

Rosie/Ezra: “I don’t know, but I get the feeling that it happened in the portal.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I just said that I heard it in the portal. You don’t whisper quiet enough. We’re all standing ten feet from each other.”

Steven/Doug: “We would love a cup of tea. Thank you so much.”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “Well, I was actually going to say Captain Yes that I’ve got some better teas at the castle and maybe we can treat ourselves to the pantry.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Do you have a chai?”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “Yes, we have chai.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Very good. I’ll be attending.”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “I mean, it is rather worrisome that Sir Bart hasn’t turned up, but you found me so you’ll find him, yeah?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Just before we go I need to ask, do you have salt?”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “I mean, it is scattered all over the ground right now…”

Rosie/Ezra: “No, no. I mean with the tea. Do you have salt in your house?”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “Yes.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Excellent.”

Steven/Doug: “And while we’re walking to get this tea you must enlighten me. How do you brew tea underwater?”

Rosie/Ezra: “That’s such an excellent question.”

Steven/Doug: “Let’s walk and talk.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes, yes. So, what we do is we go under the water - where we live obviously - and there’s all the hot springs where the bubbles happen. *Rosie’s voice is sped up to an incomprehensible speed.* And there’s a tea bag in that, shoved in that, and then… *Rosie’s voice is sped up to an incomprehensible speed.* You can even do this fun little thing where you lift up the lid and you open up your mouth and it all goes [slurps] just right in.”

[peaceful orchestral music]

Tyrone/Keeper: We’re going to do a little montage here because we have to do our end of session experience after that cutscene. Did you conclude the current mystery?

Steven/Doug + Rosie/Ezra: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: Did you save someone from certain death or worse?

Steven/Doug + Rosie/Ezra + Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.

Olive/Höde: Not me.

Jorja/Sassandra: Myself. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Did we learn something new and important about the world?

Steven/Doug: I didn’t.

Olive/Höde: We did discover the…

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, oh, the stuff that you licked. Doorknob. 

Olive/Höde: Yeah, that stuff. I’m not sure if that’s from the monster or not, but we discovered how that affects the human body.

Jorja/Sassandra: We also discovered the whereabouts of the missing grooms. 

Olive/Höde: Oh yeah, that’s true. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I think that’s important. 

Rosie/Ezra: Oh yeah, the storyline.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, you know, the reason we’re here.

Olive/Höde: A much better example. 

Steven/Doug: I mean, at least two of us know about the existence of portals and the multiverse. 

Rosie/Ezra: I already did. 

Steven/Doug: Well, I don’t.

Tyrone/Keeper: I love the way that you’re the mundane surrounded by all these supernatural things, and you’re like, ‘I’m human.’ Did you learn something new and important about one of the hunters?

Jorja/Sassandra + Rosie/Ezra: Yes.

Jorja/Sassandra: Dark possession. Fuck you. You are what you are.

Steven/Doug: Mundane. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, you're not even cheating it this time. You marked all four of them.

Rosie/Ezra: ‘This time.’ What is he on about?

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you mark two points of experience.

Rosie/Ezra: Guess who’s levelling up, boys?

Jorja/Sassandra: Guess who already did?

Steven/Doug: Do we heal our harm?

Tyrone/Keeper: I was going to say, ‘at the end of a mystery you also have the chance to heal. If there is no time to rest (like now) heal one harm.’ Maybe let’s start with Höde. Höde, you’ve levelled up. What are you picking?

Olive/Höde: Yeah, I sure did. I decided to take the ‘take another Initiate move’ with the improvements, and I have added That Old Black Magic to my arsenal. So, when I Use Magic, I can also ask a question from the Investigate a Mystery move as my effect.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, so it’s almost like divination.

Olive/Höde: Yeah, so it’s basically a free question. It’s pretty neat.

Tyrone/Keeper: But that’s instead when you do Use magic and you choose your effect you can instead ask one of the Investigate a Mystery questions. Fuck yeah. What about you, Ezra Elfie?

Rosie/Ezra: I picked another Spooky move, and it’s Telepathy. So, you can read people’s thoughts and put words in their minds. This can allow you to Investigate a Mystery or Read a Bad Situation without actually needing to talk. You can also Manipulate Someone without speaking. You still roll moves as normal except people will not expect the weirdness of your mental communication. Cool.

Tyrone/Keeper: Interesting. On the way to tea at the castle we walk past one of the local watering holes. There’s quite a few watering holes around the city because we’re in the middle of a desert. So, there’s an aqueduct situation where there’s this big central reservoir that has all these different aqueducts going all out to the different watering holes to supply water to the citizens.

[Ominous piano music]

Tyrone/Keeper: There seems to be a bit of a public gathering happening there. Everyone just seems to be sitting solemnly at the banks of the watering hole. Probably fifty or so people are sitting there with their legs tucked up holding their knees up high.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Umm, what?”

Steven/Doug: “Goodness me, why is the vibe so low here?”

Jorja/Sassandra: I didn’t know Sir Doug knew the word vibe.

Steven/Doug: I vibe all the time.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Do we know what’s going on?”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “There seems to be a commotion, and I *sniffs* I sniff a case.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Eww, goodbye.” I’m going to walk over.  

Steven/Doug: Stop sniffing the cases.

Jorja/Sassandra: Is there someone sitting by themselves?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, you know what? There is a home. A little gnome old lady sitting by herself.

Olive/Höde: “Hold on, let me handle this.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “No.”

Steven/Doug: While they talk to the little old gnome lady, I’m going to play the game. Can I Read a Bad Situation?

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, you go first, and then we’ll do the conversation.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Sharp. Nine.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘When you Read a Bad Situation, on a seven to nine, you can ask one of the questions.’

Steven/Doug: Are there any dangers we haven’t noticed?

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, you are used to pristine drinking water and bathing water, but this watering hole is pretty much ink black. It’s pretty murky and not fun to look at.

Steven/Doug: “Ah! My eyes! It’s disgusting.”

Tyrone/Keeper: So, there might be something lurking in the water because it’s unusual.

Steven/Doug: “You, sea creature.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes?”

Steven/Doug: “Does this water look good to you?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Nu-uh. No.”

Steven/Doug: “Good because to me it looks awful.”

Rosie/Ezra: “No. For one it’s fresh water not salt water. That’s the first indicator, but no this is not good water in my experience.”

Steven/Doug: “I don’t think we should go near it.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I’m very curious. I’d like to. I think we should.”

Steven/Doug: “I don’t think we should.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I think we should cautiously.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Hold up. Before we have this conversation with Sassandra, we also have a couple of rolls to do at the start of a mystery. I think it;s important right now for Ezra because she has to have a prophecy.

Rosie/Ezra: I have a little premonition to have. 

* dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Damn, that worked out bad for you.

Rosie/Ezra: No, that’s alright. I got a nine. ‘On a seven to nine, you get clouded visions of something bad that’s yet to happen. Mark experience if you stop it.’ I should have marked experience for the mystery we stopped last time. 

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s right, I messaged you about it after.

Rosie/Ezra: That’s right, and I didn’t, but that’s okay. I levelled up anyway. I’ll add it now. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra, you see Sir Doug.

Steven/Doug: I’m just a boy.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug struggling in some murky water.

Rosie/Ezra: Interesting.  

Tyrone/Keeper: Interesting. That is all I will reveal.

Rosie/Ezra: “Sir Doug, on second thought, maybe you shouldn’t go near the water.”

Steven/Doug: “That’s what I was just saying.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I agree. We’re in agreeance that you shouldn’t go near the water.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh okay. Are you going near the water?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes. I shall. You shan't.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Höde, you also have a little thing to roll at the start. It does say when you’re in good standing with your sect…

Olive/Höde: I haven't been fired yet.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yet.

Steven/Doug: No, but a new recruit outranks you.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Look, if you fuck this one up there’s no more rolls, but we’ll give it one more go.

Olive/Höde: It’s fine, we’re going to roll a ten.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, nice. 

Olive/Höde: Eight.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a seven to nine, you get a mission associated with the mystery, and if you do it you’ll get some help too.’

Olive/Höde: I get some info to help too. Yeah, the first two I rolled were both below seven.

Tyrone/Keeper: Captain Yes is going to hand you a piece of paper and say:

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Höde, I just found this on the ground. It has your name on it.”

Olive/Höde: “Thank you.” I’ll take the letter. “This does say Höde.” I’ll open it up.

Steven/Doug: Are you sure? ‘Oh, it’s addressed to me.’

Jorja/Sassandra: You just look in someone’s mailbox.

Olive/Höde: ‘Who’s Höde? Oh, wait a minute.’

Steven/Doug: ‘Is this one mine? Is this one mine?’

Olive/Höde: I’ll open it up and read it.

Tyrone/Keeper: This letter is rather to the point. It simply has a title like a case number and ‘The Plague. Location: Reservoir. Consider drying out the water creature.’

Olive/Höde: “Hey guys, I don’t know where this came from, but it has my name on it. So, it says here that there’s a water creature that we should dry out.”

Steven/Doug: “Yes, thank you Höde. Any luck with the water Ezra?”

Olive/Höde: “My pleasure. You’re so welcome Doug.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Was there not a conversation with an old gnome lady we were having?

Jorja/Sassandra: I was, yes.

Olive/Höde: “I really think you should let me do this.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You’re reading a fucking letter. You can do one thing.”

Olive/Höde: “No, I can do as much as I like. I just take my time.”

Steven/Doug: We’ve got at least half an hour, mate.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Höde, I think that has your name on it too. Go look.”

Olive/Höde: “Where?”

Steven/Doug: Well, that’s just given us two hours.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to sit down next to the lady. “What’s happened?”

Tyrone/Gnome: “Oh, it’s just awful. Just awful, it is. Look at the water. Look how filthy it is.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Is that all?”

Steven/Doug: Wow.

Tyrone/Gnome “It’s rather devastating, isn’t it? I came to get some water, and look at it. Just look at it.” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah.” She drinks swap water. She doesn’t care.

Steven/Doug: ‘Looks bloody delicious!’

Tyrone/Keeper: She’s going to start bawling now. She can barely hold a sentence now. 

Tyrone/Gnome *sniffling*

Tyrone/Keeper: Ugly crying.

Jorja/Sassandra: She leaves. 

Olive/Höde: Höde will walk up. “How did this happen here?”

Tyrone/Gnome “We all came here this morning. It happened in the night, and now we can’t get our water.”

Olive/Höde: “Have you tasted it?”

Tyrone/Gnome “Yes, we tried.”

Olive/Höde: “Do you have any left over?”

Tyrone/Keeper: She’s going to point at the watering hole.

Olive/Höde: “Oh, yes. Can I borrow a cup?”

Tyrone/Gnome “Here you go.”

Olive/Höde: “Thank you.” I’ll take the cup and I’ll lean over to the pond.

Rosie/Ezra: Ezra’s thinking about telling you not to go there because of her premonition, but that was about Sir Doug, so she doesn’t say anything. 

Olive/Höde: Yeah, I’m going to use a bit of magic. Holding the cup in front of me and kneeling down in front of the pond, and I will Use Magic to use my new Initiate effect that I got, and I will ask an Investigate a Mystery question.  

Tyrone/Keeper: Don’t you have to do a Use Magic roll first?

Olive/Höde: I do. I’ve got to see if I’m successful. 

*dice rolls*

Olive/Höde: Nine.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a seven to nine, it works imperfectly. Choose your effect and a glitch.’

Olive/Höde: So, I’m going to go with it has a problematic side effect, but with it being successful I will ask the question: what can it do? Knowing that it is a water sea-based creature.   

Tyrone/Keeper: Let’s see. You are staring at this pond around you, and you get this image of ink in your mind. Ink dripping into the aqueduct and sliding down into the watering hole, and then you get the image of everyone uncontrollably crying around the watering hole, and you can divine that it can incapacitate its targets by forcing them to be uncontrollably sad. Strong emotions.

Olive/Höde: Höde doesn’t need anymore sadness.

Tyrone/Keeper: But by thinking about the ink in the aqueduct you have found yourself in the aqueduct, and you have teleported yourself to the top of that waterfall. 

Olive/Höde: “Uh oh.”

Tyrone/Keeper: To Doug.

Steven/Doug: Yes, I’m going to use my action: Don’t Worry, I’ll Check It Out. I’m going to start wading into the water. 

Rosie/Ezra: “Sir Doug!”

Steven/Doug: “Don’t worry, I’ll check it out!”

Rosie/Ezra: “But Sir Doug, I really must insist that you don’t go there.” 

Steven/Doug: I’m walking.

Olive/Höde: You can persuade.

Rosie/Ezra: Manipulate!

Steven/Doug: You’re going to manipulate me? Yeah, righto.

Jorja/Sassandra: In your mind.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I’m going to use Telepathy to manipulate him.

Steven/Doug: Try it.

Rosie/Ezra: I don’t know how it works, but I’m doing it.

Tyrone/Keeper: With Manipulate Someone you have to give them a reason and tell them what you want them to do before you roll.

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, Sir Doug, I basically had this vision that you were going to be stuck in there, and that it would be really not good and you might die, so I think that you shouldn’t go into the water.”

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I got a four.

Steven/Doug: Splash. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Mark experience.

Steven/Doug: Well, I’m marking experience because I’ve gone off. 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘It’s up to that hunter to decide how badly you offend or annoy them. They mark experience if they choose to not do what you asked.’

Jorja/Sassandra: You get two experience.

Steven/Doug: I get two experience!

Rosie/Ezra: Oh my god.

Steven/Doug: “Ezra, you really are ridiculous.” Off I go.

Rosie/Ezra: Well, that was useless except for my experience. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What’s your move about going off alone do? Is it just experience? Does it do something?

Steven/Doug: I just get experience whenever I go off by myself to check out somewhere. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What are we doing Doug? Are you investigating a mystery? Is that what you’re doing to see the trouble?

Steven/Doug: It just says whenever you go off by yourself.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, but what are you doing in the water?

Steven/Doug: I’m looking.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’re investigating a mystery?

Steven/Doug: Sure.

Tyrone/Keeper: Or reading a bad situation?

Steven/Doug: Sure, let’s Read a Bad Situation. No, let’s investigate. Let’s investigate the mystery. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: I’m pretty Sharp. Ten.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a ten plus, you can ask two of the questions.’ What questions would you like to ask?

Steven/Doug: I would like to know what is being concealed here because I can’t see shit, and what can hurt it?

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re wading in the water and you feel these… How do I describe it? Something…

Steven/Doug: Tentacley?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, but how do I describe that? Something…

Steven/Doug: Slippery and wet.

Tyrone/Keeper: Something slippery and wet. You feel it at your feet as you’re wading through.

Steven/Doug: Well, it’s not water because, as we know, water is not wet.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, there is a creature of some sort in the water, and it appears to be a lot of them. Not just one. It appears to be many, and what was the other question?

Steven/Doug: What can hurt it?

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve spent a lot of time around these magical people.

Steven/Doug: Unfortunately.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve seen the capabilities of their magic, and you’re thinking, ‘Just kill them all. Just electrocute the entire lake and have it be done with.’   

Steven/Doug: Right, well I’m going to turn around and walk back then. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Steven/Doug: With this information that I can’t do anything with because I don’t partake in magic. I stifle a vomit back in. 

Olive/Höde: Can you actually just explain to me what exactly happened when I fell in? So, it’s an aqueduct and I fell in, so I’m flowing through? 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, you know what an aqueduct is, yeah?

Olive/Höde: Yeah.

Steven/Doug: I thought you were standing at the top of it.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve teleported to the top of it, and it sounds like you-

Olive/Höde: What do you mean teleported? Like, actual teleportation, or…? Because we’re playing in Portal Quandary. I need to know.

Tyrone/Keeper: In your mind you see the aqueduct with the ink running down, and the next moment you are there.

Steven/Doug: It’s some sort of magic.

Tyrone/Keeper: You said something went whack.

Olive/Höde: Oh okay, right.

Tyrone/Keeper: There was a problematic side effect.

Olive/Höde: Okay. Alright, alright, alright.

Steven/Doug: ‘Teleportation.’ 

Olive/Höde: So, I’ve just teleported myself to the top of this.

Steven/Doug: And I just picture you at the top being like, ‘Oh fuck.’ I didn’t think you’d fallen yet. I thought he was just at the top looking at it going, ‘Oh.’

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you guys can see that now: Höde at the top of the aqueduct going, ‘Eh?’

Steven/Doug: You’ve got Höde there, Sir Doug in there.

Jorja/Sassandra: Sassandra has just sat down.

Olive/Höde: “Guys, I don’t know how I got up here, and I don’t think I know how to get down.”

Steven/Doug: “Sass, I think Höde’s speaking, but I can’t hear him.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I’ve learnt to block him out.”

Olive/Höde: “Guys, help me please.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Is someone playing a horn?”

Olive/Höde: “ *moans* ”

TyroneGnome: “Oh, it’s just awful, isn’t it? Hear his wail. Isn’t it just awful?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah.”

Steven/Doug: What did you just compare him to?

Olive/Höde: “ *moans louder* “

Steven/Doug: Maybe you should try a different dialect. Try humpback. Wah!

Tyrone/Keeper: What do you guys want to do?

Steven/Doug: Well, I’m wading back to meet these two.

Jorja/Sassandra: “What’d you find?” I’m screaming. 

Steven/Doug: So, I’m going to make it back to the edge and speak to the magic girls. “So, I just went out there. I’m pretty sure there are multiple of whatever this thing is hiding in the water, and I think we should just kill them all. Use some electricity. That usually travels well in water, right?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, yeah. It’s really, really scary when there’s lightning storms in Seaworld.”

Steven/Doug: “So, are either of you capable of conjuring up such a thing?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, sure.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Probably. First thing: Captain?”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Yes?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Do we know if anyone is in these bodies of water that are all connected? Other than Höde. Don’t worry about that.”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Some of the kids do be swimming in these water holes, yes.”

Rosie/Ezra: “We should get the children out. Maybe Höde.”

Steven/Doug: “What families do they belong to?”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “This travels to all the districts. It travels to the residential direct, of course. It travels to the garden district. It travels to the merchant district. It travels to the industrial district.”

Steven/Doug: “Hmm, that is a lot of districts.”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Yes, and it all travels to the central reservoir at the centre towards the castle, so perhaps if you think there’s a problem with the water we should follow it to its source.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Is it barbecue?”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “I was thinking more of a ranch.”

Olive/Höde: “Ketchup for me, please.”

Rosie/Ezra: Out of curiosity, are there any invisible things like spirits or magical influences?

Tyrone/Keeper: Can you read me the exact wording?

Rosie/Ezra: ‘The Sight: You can see the invisible, especially spirits and magical influences. You may communicate, maybe even make deals with the spirits you see, and they may give you more opportunities to spot clues when you Investigate a Mystery.’

Tyrone/Keeper: There is for a moment - looking towards the castle because of course Captain Yes is talking about it - you think for a moment there is a glimmer towards the spires of the castle. A shimmer like the top of the sea, a bit of that, but then it’s gone again.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to - this isn’t going to work, I know this - but I’m going to try telepathically talk to it, and just be like, “Hey ocean, is that you?”

Tyrone/Keeper: You have to roll an Investigate a Mystery as part of this. Just roll that first.

Rosie/Ezra: Roll Sharp. Excellent.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: It’s only a six. 

Tyrone/Keeper: A six?

Rosie/Ezra: A six.

Tyrone/Keeper: A six is a fail.

Rosie/Ezra: It most certainly is, and I could change it to a twelve, but I would be a bit closer to doomed, and I feel like I should save that. Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Fair. So, you mark experience and I take a hard move. You are going to hear a shriek come back in your mind, like a banshee shriek. You are going to hear the worlds clearly:

Rosie/Ezra: “Go away.”

Tyrone/Keeper: And you take one harm.

Rosie/Ezra: Well, that was quite rude.

Steven/Doug: “Ezra, I think your ears are bleeding.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, it's just that a thing screamed in my ear. There was this thing near the castle that looked like the ocean, and then I tried to speak to the ocean, and then I don’t think it was the ocean because the ocean is always very nice to me and this one yelled at me.”

Steven/Doug: “Captain, do you have any more tea? I think this one needs some calming tea.”

Tyrone/Keeper: One second. I’ll be right back to that. I just wanted to clarify as well with the ‘go away’ that you got a clear sense that this is not the monster you’re hunting, and it’s something else for the future.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, excellent.

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “Oh yeah, well we’ve still got to go back to the castle and get the chai tea that was requested with salt.

Rosie/Ezra: “A good teaspoon, thanks.”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass “But we can go to the castle and then check out the reservoir.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Should we get Höde? I don’t think it would reflect well on my internship if someone died while I was around.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “What if you killed them?”

Rosie/Ezra: “If it was required…”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Required by them or by the dark voices in your head?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Them. Them. Yes, them.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, I see.” I walk off.

Steven/Doug: I also walk off.   

Olive/Höde: You see Höde at the top of this aqueduct looking down, and he’s just standing there - standing and watching and watching - and he sees you look up and does a little wave.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to use telepathy to talk to him and tell him to walk down because he can just walk down, right? 

Tyrone/Keeper: No.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s just a bit of stonework and then it's a waterfall. It sort of just ends unless he walks back the other direction.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, you know what? “Go for a big walk, buddy. A really big walk. Loop back around.”

Olive/Höde: “I do like to walk, but it might be a bit far. You know, I think I’ll just meet you there.”

Steven/Doug: You’re just having a conversation with yourself, mate.

Olive/Höde: He raises a thumb up.

Jorja/Sassandra: Well, you can read thoughts.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, I can read thoughts. Yeah, I’ll read that thought.

Olive/Höde: You want to read Höde’s thoughts?

Rosie/Ezra: Yep.

Steven/Doug: You’ll see Ezra standing there for half an hour, not moving. What is she doing?

Olive/Höde: You get flashes of some of the most awful atrocities and a couple of shiny rocks and trinkets, and then more atrocities, and then murders and kidnappings and cover-ups. A whole bunch of things, and then you’ll hear a single strand of Höde’s inn thoughts. Just, “Oh, how I miss the beach.”

Rosie/Ezra: What? Cool, I’ll shoot back at him and be like, “Yeah Höde, excellent. Thanks for that insight. Yeha, just meet us back at the castle, yeah? Bye.”   

Olive/Höde: “Alright, bye,” and he’ll wave down. 

-

Tyrone/Keeper: Hey, it’s Tyrone, your Keeper. I can’t believe we’re already up to episode four of six in our Monster of the Week mini series. We’re already making strides in planning season three, which is why I’m here today to say that we’re adding listener names in as NPC’s for season 3 when they share about the show. That’s likely going to be through Instagram because that’s where we get the most traction - so keep an eye on our Instagram if you want to be an NPC in season three. Let’s quickly head to the ad - featuring another awesome Monster of the Week podcast, the Thorne Files Podcast.

The Thorne Files Podcast Ad Read: Are you a fan of mind bending mysteries and terrifying monsters? Well, come and listen to The Thorne Files Podcast. A Monster Of The Week, actual play podcast with new episodes coming out every other Friday. Set in 1952, four investigators find themselves entangled in the world full of malevolent forces seeking to destroy the world as we know it. Will they uncover the secrets in the darkness? And more importantly, will they survive to see the light? 

Tyrone/Keeper: Before we get back to the episode, I just wanted to talk about our Patreon. So, we've got tiers for every level of support. The entry tier provides access to character and monster sheets and ad-free episodes (free from me talking about Patreon like right now). That middle tier provides all of that plus access to bonus episodes like our The Quiet Year mini-series, telling the history of Prophis, the world of season two. You can even listen to The Quiet Year: Spring. We released that publicly just after our season two arc, so check that out on your listing. On your Spotify, Apple Podcast, whatever you’re listening to, and if you want to listen to the rest come join our Patreon. And then finally, that highest tier provides access to early access episodes, which usually come out between two and three weeks before official release! Anyways, I’ll let you get to the episode. So, the next Monster of the Week episode is coming out Friday, November 22nd.

-

Tyrone/Keeper: Smash cut to all of us having little teacups and saucers as we all walk through the gardens.

Rosie/Ezra: Us including Höde?

Tyrone/Keeper: No.

Rosie/Ezra: Okay.

Tyrone/Keeper: Though, Lu-Kass is carrying an extra one for Höde to give him when he sees him. 

Steven/Doug: His boss hasn’t just teleported him there? Like, ‘You’re supposed to be here.’

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Stop, what are you doing?’

Steven/Doug: Yes, so if you just go down the steps in the garden, we’ll get to the reservoir. It starts here at the castle and then it spreads to all the different places of the city. Oh look, there’s Höde down there now. He’s caught up.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I run ahead to the reservoir.

Steven/Doug: I also run ahead to the reservoir.

Olive/Höde: “Oh, hi guys. Oh, bye guys.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Höde, if you hurry up you can walk along with us.”

Olive/Höde: “Just because I talk slow doesn't mean I move slow.”

Steven/Doug: Takes half an hour trying to explain that. 

Olive/Höde: “I appreciate the sentiment, Ezra. It’s very lovely.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “So, we’re investigating a mystery around here, are we? Right at the source of the problem.”

Tyrone/KLu-Kass: “We brought you a tea, Höde. Here you go.”

Olive/Höde: “Thank you.” *sips*

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “It’s an elven blend.”

Olive/Höde: “Hmm, quite delicious, though I’m usually more partial to dwarven herb.”

Jorja/Sassandra: May I Investigate a Mystery?

Tyrone/Keeper: You may. Please do, actually. Roll it.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I got a thirteen.

Steven/Doug: You’re so Sharp.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep, ‘On a ten plus, hold two.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Hold two. What do I want? I want what sort of creature was it? What was it going to do?

Tyrone/Keeper: You can see in the light of the day the sun shining perfectly on the reservoir, and it is not as inky-black as the watering hole we see, and so you see right down to the bottom, and there is this warped tentacley mess. There is a spherical body at the bottom in the centre and then there are uncountable tentacles branching out, and from the ends of these tentacles you can see pumping out from the ends of these tentacles tiny versions of itself heading towards the aqueducts. What it’s going to do is spread its disease, spread its sadness that immobilises all who ingest it, and so it is spreading out as far as it can to everyone it can. 

Olive/Höde: Can I do another magic roll?

Steven/Doug: Damn, straight into the magic. Jesus Christ.

Olive/Höde: Yeah. As I'm drinking my tea, I’m going to whisper magically arcane lyrics into it, and i’ll sip it up and allow it to restore me, and as part of that: insight my vision, and the question that I would like to ask is - with my Investigate a Mystery as part of my magic - is what can hurt it?

Tyrone/Keeper: Well, roll.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Why are you doing magic for that?

Olive/Höde: Fuck.

Tyrone/Keeper: Because he’s got a new move that’s as an effect for Use Magic you can ask one of the Investigate a Mystery questions.

Jorja/Sassandra: And that’s better for magic.

Steven/Doug: And that’s better for you, sure. Makes sense

Olive/Höde: Seven.

Tyrone/Keeper: Seven to nine. Same as before. ‘It works imperfectly, choose your effect and a glitch.’

Olive/Höde: How much do I want to fuck us all?

Tyrone/Keeper: Greatly.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, based on past events: as much as possible.

Olive/Höde: Alright, cool. ‘The magic draws immediate, unwelcome attention.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Beautiful.

Olive/Höde: And the effect is that I will ask the Investigate a Mystery question: ‘What can hurt it?’

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, you stare at the creature at the bottom of this reservoir, probing into its mind almost. Trying to probe and scan almost. You get flashbacks to the cloud giant when it was clapping and bringing down lighting on you. You think possibly a big bolt of lighting right down into it will fuck it up.

Olive/Höde: Beautiful.

Tyrone/Keeper: And then it will turn to look at you. Just one big eye, one big cyclops eye. It’s going to reach out to you to try and grab you.

Olive/Höde: “Oh, not again.”

Steven/Doug: I’ve played enough Zelda. Someone needs to get a bow and arrow and shoot the eye.

Tyrone/Keeper: It is a Zelda boss.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to… First of all, I’m going to yell out, “Don’t even worry guys. I’ve seen this before. This is no issue. Back in the swamp there’s so many tentacley little creatures. This looks like… It was smaller. It was like one of those baby ones! Don’t worry guys. It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine,” and use The Things I’ve Seen. ‘When you encounter a creature or phenomenon, you may declare that you have seen it before. The Keeper may ask you some questions about that encounter and will then tell you one useful fact and one danger you may need to watch out for, maybe right now.’

Steven/Doug: Just to understand what’s happening while you’re recounting an anecdote, you’re being grappled?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, the tentacle is-

Steven/Doug: A tentacle is reaching very, very slowly while dialogue is occurring. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes. No. As soon as I saw it I imagine I was like, ‘Oh, don’t worry,’ and then that happened because it’s when you first encounter it.

Steven/Doug: Okay, so we’re not worrying. Höde is being attackled.

Rosie/Ezra: ‘Attackled.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I say, “Don’t worry,” and he’s like, ‘ugh.’

Steven/Doug: And I oop.

Olive/Höde: Maybe worry a little bit.

Steven/Doug: While you’re doing that and you’re doing that, I guess I’ll do What Could Go Wrong? I’m going to charge immediately into danger without hedging my bets because I see a tentacle, and then I do what Doug does which is smack.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep. En guarde. Alright, to answer the questions on Sassandra’s sheet, one useful fact you learned looking at these little critters is that they contaminate the water. If you get that water into your system, you will shut down. You will stop caring. And one danger you might need to watch out for is that they may attempt to grapple and hold their victims under the water. Sir Doug, you are running headfirst into danger?

Steven/Doug: Yes, regardless of the information that has just been said, I am running into danger. 

Tyrone/Keeper: That does things.

Steven/Doug: Yeah, I can hold two. I can spend my hold two to inflict one harm, reduce someone’s harm, or take a plus two to an Act Under Pressure roll. 

Tyrone/Keeper: And what do you want to do?

Steven/Doug: I’m not doing anything yet. I’m just running in. I’m going to hold my hold two.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. This tentacle is going to wrap around Höde and yoink him into the water.

Rosie/Ezra: Well, that’s not great.

Steven/Doug: Can I Act Under Pressure to help him?

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I Protect Someone?

Tyrone/Keeper: It would be a Protect Someone because it is preventing harm.

Steven/Doug: Oh, hang on. I have The Power of Heart, If I help someone, I don’t roll plus Cool. I automatically help as if I rolled a ten. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you're going to help Sassandra protect?

Steven/Doug: Using The Power of Heart.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sassandra, explain what you’re going to do so that he knows what to do to help you. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to - as the tentacle comes out towards Höde in slow motion - I’m going to go, “Fine,” and I’m going to take my big lantern to hit the tentacle off course.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeet! So, how are you going to help?

Steven/Doug: I guess if you’re doing that, I’m going to be waiting at the other end where it’s going to land, and I’m going to stab it using the hold from my What Could Go Wrong move to inflict plus one harm. I’ll do it twice.

Tyrone/Keeper: I see. Well, you’re bouncing it and then stab. Alright, roll the Protect Someone with the plus one from Sir Doug. 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Sir Doug. That’s not good, so I’m going to use a luck.

[laughter]

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh shit, okay.

Steven/Doug: Slay.

Jorja/Sassandra: With your plus one and my minus one to Tough, I rolled a three. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Fuck.

Jorja/Sassandra: So, we’re going to make it a twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: Which, ‘On a ten plus, choose an extra.’ Which extra would you like?

Jorja/Sassandra: I inflict harm on the enemy. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, how much harm does your lantern do?

Jorja/Sassandra: It does one harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: Something related to your backstory happens. Is that right?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes. ‘Your first encounter comes up in play. It could be a flashback, new occurrence, or related event.’ 

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, what you’re going to see is Sassandra lining up the shot. She’s going to hit it with the lantern with this extraordinary power, and as you’re looking at her you can see these antennae coming out the top of her head in this spectral visage. You can almost see this black cape situation,and then she lines you up for the shot and you stab?

Steven/Doug: I’m going to - upon seeing this - close my eyes immediately because magic is terrifying. Don’t fuck with that shit. With my eyes closed I’ll still smack it because I’m Sir Doug.

Tyrone/Keeper: Is that…?

Steven/Doug: It’s just inflict two from my hold two.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, it’s going to head back to the centre, and you can see movement happening below the water now. 

Olive/Höde: I’ll look over at Ezra because I imagine you’ve knocked ti and stabbed it, so the tentacle is starting to retreat. “Ezra, quick. Zap it.”

Rosie/Ezra: But there’s people in the water, right? You guys are in the water?

Jorja/Sassandra: No.

Rosie/Ezra: No, no one in the water? If I try to electrocute the water, will people die?

Olive/Höde: No, don’t electrocute the water. Electrocute the tentacle.

Tyrone/Keeper: Which is in the water.

Olive/Höde: Yeah, but it can’t travel that far. Just a little.

Jorja/Sassandra: Water is conductive.

Olive/Höde: No.

Rosie/Ezra: It could kill people.

Steven/Doug: The last time you cast a spell you teleported yourself to the top of a cliff.

Olive/Höde: No, the last time I cast a spell I almost had a tentacle wrap around me.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m also going to take this opportunity as Sassandra to yell out, “Don’t go in the water by the way!”  

Steven/Doug: But why?

Rosie/Ezra: If I do zap the water, it will just kill lots of people, right?

Jorja/Sassandra: No, only some children, maybe.

Olive/Höde: Höde is also going to Use Magic to zap it.

Rosie/Ezra: Well, can I Use magic to do something that is not humanly possible? ‘Do one thing that is beyond human limitations,’ such as somehow manifest a giant microphone and yell out to the whole city not to go in the water.

Steven/Doug: You can do anything and that’s what you choose?

Rosie/Ezra: Well, yeah. I don’t want to kill the people.

Jorja/Sassandra: You have telepathy, man.

Rosie/Ezra: Not with people I can’t see, I reckon.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, but you can use your magic to inhumanly talk to everyone and be like, ‘Get out of the water.’

Rosie/Ezra: Can I?

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s magic.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, that’s smart.

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll your Use Magic.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I change it to a twelve using my luck.

Tyrone/Keeper: What did you roll?

Rosie/Ezra: Oh actually, maybe I don’t. I rolled a seven. Yeah no, that’s chill, right? Yeah no, that’s chill. I don’t change it. It works imperfectly.

Tyrone/Keeper: Choose an effect and a glitch.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I am just going to have a really booming voice that speaks to everyone like Jorja said. Thanks Jorja. So, what I’m going to say to everyone is, *echoing* “Everyone, we are about to zap the water with some lightning, I think, because there are monsters in your water sources. Please don’t go into the water or you will die. Thank you.” 

Steven/Doug: ‘Hello, this is your captain speaking.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘You will find your exits here, here, and here.’

Steven/Doug: ‘But don’t go into the water. We’re currently undergoing maintenance.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Deadly maintenance.’

Steven/Doug: ‘You may be electrocuted.’

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to add onto the end of that, *booming* “We will be shooting it with lightning in about thirty seconds.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Thirty seconds?

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: What’s the glitch?

Rosie/Ezra: The magic draws immediate, unwelcome attention because I don’t want it to be of short duration. What? They hear, ‘Please don’t go in the-’

Jorja/Sassandra: That’s not even how you said it. You said, ‘Attention citizens,’ or some shit.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, yeah I did.

Jorja/Sassandra: You didn’t say don’t go into the water until twenty seconds in.

Rosie/Ezra: Exactly, so if it was of short duration then people wouldn’t get it.  

Tyrone/Keeper: And so, in reaction to this big voice, a couple of these tentacles are going to swing around in your direction.

Steven/Doug: I will protect her.

Rosie/Ezra: Damsel in distress.

Tyrone/Keeper: Let me finish before you jump in, okay?

Steven/Doug: No.

Tyrone/Keeper: You don’t even know what’s going to happen.

Rosie/Ezra: It’s bad though. 

Tyrone/Keeper: These tentacles are going to shoot out a bunch of miniature versions of itself in your direction.

Jorja/Sassandra: *gags*

Steven/Doug: Are they cuddly?

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure. You’re going to Protect Someone?

Steven/Doug: Na.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to take out my knife and start slashing. 

Olive/Höde: Can I zap the tentacle of the monster first?

Steven/Doug: We gave the citizens thirty seconds.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, we did.

Steven/Doug: That’s not thirty seconds. 

Olive/Höde: Alright, fine. I’ll wait the thirty seconds. 

Steven/Doug: I mean, we’re going to get smothered by tiny, little, squishy things. We’ve got thirty seconds.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ll be taking two harm as all of these little guys bite you. You get tiny, little octopus bites all over you.

Rosie/Ezra: Cool, excellent.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, you two were fighting over who’s going to fight something first.

Olive/Höde: Yeah, I’m going to wait the thirty seconds and then zap it.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going to call down lighting? Noone else is doing anything.

Rosie/Ezra: No, I’ve got my big knife.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, you’re going to Kick Some Ass?

Rosie/Ezra: I’m just slashing. Yep. I’m just slashing manically because this is freaking me out, and no sea creature has ever done this before.   

Steven/Doug: I don’t believe that.

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll to Kick Some Ass.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: Nine.

Steven/Doug: I’m going to help her do that.

Rosie/Ezra: Yay.

Tyrone/Keeper: How are you going to help her do that?

Steven/Doug: I’m going to yell out encouraging instructions like, “Hook them on the left!”

Tyrone/Keeper: I was thinking of fencing terms like riposte, is it?

Jorja/Sassandra: I was thinking en guarde.

Steven/Doug: I don’t think that’s going to help her. If I just start speaking French, she’s just going to get confused.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, that was a nine that’s bumped up to a ten?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes. Thank you.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, ‘On a ten plus, you inflict your harm rating on the enemy and choose one extra effect.’

Rosie/Ezra: So, the harm is one, and the extra effect is I force them where I want them.

Tyrone/Keeper: Where do you want them?

Rosie/Ezra: I want them back in the water and away from me.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, there’s a whole bunch of these tiny, little guys on you, and because we’re inflicting harm on each other you take another two harm from these guys.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m so close to dying!

Tyrone/Keeper: Are you?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes! I’m unstable.

Tyrone/Keeper: You could have chosen to suffer less harm.

Rosie/Ezra: Could I? Yeah, you’re right. I could. No, I’m going to avoid all harm. I’m using a luck.

Tyrone/Keeper: What? Are you actually? How much luck do you have left?

Rosie/Ezra: Four. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve got four left? That’s alright.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah. 

Steven/Doug: She’s not dying, she’s just doomed.  

Rosie/Ezra: There’s a difference.

Tyrone/Keeper: What’s your luck thing say?

Rosie/Ezra: ‘As you expend luck, your dark side’s needs will get nastier.’ This is why last time I turned.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, so you’re using your big knife to stab a couple and you push the rest in the- I went to say ocean. This is a fucking little reservoir or whatever. And you hear the voice that you have inside. You know? The voice that everyone has, yeah?

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.    

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, it’s going to be like:

Tyrone/Entity: Spill their secrets. Tell the world about them, about your friends. 

Steven/Doug: We're not friends. 

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, so guys, when Sass went in the portal, she was actually gone for a while and she was somewhere that was completely different to the world that we’re in. So yeah, she lied to us. Sorry Sass, I had to.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I don’t remember going anywhere.”

Rosie/Ezra: I use Telepathy.

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s a roll. That’s an Investigate a Mystery or Read a Bad Situation.
Steven/Doug: When you Investigate a Mystery, that is the mystery though, right? Like Sass lying is not the mystery.

Jorja/Sassandra: What?

Steven/Doug: What?

Jorja/Sassandra: It could be.

Rosie/Ezra: It’s also not Read a Bad Situation because none of the questions are the right ones. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What’s the original intention? What are you trying to do?

Steven/Doug: Prove she’s a liar!

Rosie/Ezra: I just want to see what she’s thinking at the moment because I know what she’s saying isn’t true.

Steven/Doug: And whether she believes it because you know the truth, but does she also know the truth?

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: I think it’s an Investigate a Mystery with - if you succeed - one of the questions being concealed here. That would be my best bet.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah okay, cool. Very cool. I don’t have Cool.

Steven/Doug: Yeah, I was going to say, I think you add Sharp not Cool.  

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I got a five. I shan't be changing it this time.

Jorja/Sassandra: You get experience though.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, I’m levelling up. Would you look at that?

Jorja/Sassandra: That means you don’t know I’m lying.   

Tyrone/Keeper: And something bad happens that I have to think about.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh yeah, true. Sucker. I am unscathed and my mind has not been read.

Rosie/Ezra: I am getting a Sharp. I need it. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Fuck you.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re getting a Sharp?

Rosie/Ezra: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: Wonderful. Because you failed, when you were trying to read this mind you were focusing on it so hard, but you were just standing there not in your mind. You were just trying to project your mind while just standing there. 

Rosie/Ezra: So, I’m just standing there staring really intensely at Sass like grr.

Tyrone/Keeper: And then it’s going to grab you and pull you in.

Rosie/Ezra: Like actually?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah. It’s bad. You rolled a fail. I have to take a hard move.

Steven/Doug: Can I roll a protect now?

Tyrone/Keeper: You can. Yes, yes. 

Steven/Doug: How do I do that? 

Jorja/Sassandra: Roll Tough.

Steven/Doug: Roll Tough? I’m so tough, I’m Doug.

*dice rolls*

All: Woah!

Steven/Doug: I got thirteen.

Olive/Höde: Woah!

Jorja/Sassandra: Doug’s so tough!

Rosie/Ezra: Tough Doug.

Tyrone/Keeper: Woah. ‘On a ten plus, choose an extra.’

Steven/Doug: All the impending danger is now focused on me. 

Rosie/Ezra: That’s so bad for my premonition.

Jorja/Sassandra: You’re such a drama queen.

Steven/Doug: I know, but look at these biceps.

Jorja/Sassandra: Sir Doug may be mundane, but he sure does love the spotlight.

Steven/Doug: I’m a royal.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, you have two harm coming at you.

Steven/Doug: Did I just take two damage?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Steven/Doug: That I reduce by two from my armour.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes. That’s exactly why I’m like, ‘Fuck me dead.’

Steven/Doug: Am I grappled?

Tyrone/Keeper: Some monsters are stronger than others. 

Steven/Doug: It was trying to pull her in, wasn’t it?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, so what? You’ve pushed her out of the way and gotten yourself instead to put all the attention on you? So, it’s lifting you up into the air-

Steven/Doug: I level up. 

[laughter]

Steven/Doug: I held it out as long as I could.  

Tyrone/Keeper: Because the monster has captured you?

Steven/Doug: I’m Always The Victim.

Tyrone/Keeper: What are you picking, Sir Doug?

Steven/Doug: I’ll take more moves. Moves are fun. Sure, let’s The Panic Button.

Tyrone/Keeper: What does The Panic Button do?

Steven/Doug: It says, ‘When you need to escape, name the route you’ll try and roll plus Sharp. Ona ten plus, you’re out, no danger, you’re fine. Seven to nine, you can go or stay, but if you go it’s going to cost you. Either you leave something behind or something comes with you. On a muss, you’re caught halfway out.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, so you’ve been grappled and you’re being held up in the air by this huge tentacle as others are trying to rise up to grab you as well, ready to pull you under. 

Steven/Doug: Panic button! What’s the route I’m going to try? I have to roll pretty high. Let’s say I’m going to pull my shoe because that's what it’s grappled onto, and I’m going to use my free leg to push off it and land back parkour style. Watch me fall.

Tyrone/Keeper: Parkour!

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh my god.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s pretty fun because you guys want to electrocute the water, but he’s in the water right now.

Steven/Doug: No, I’m not. I’m yeeting out. I got an eleven.

Tyrone/Keeper: An eleven?

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, on a ten plus, you get out no problem.

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: You kick your shoe off.

Steven/Doug: Oh, well I did lose a shoe.

Tyrone/Keeper: You did lose a shoe.

Jorja/Sassandra: You’re rich.

Steven/Doug: “Those were my favourite.” They’re not my favourite. I’m not going to go on an adventure with my favourite shoes.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ll do a flip? That’s not mundane.

Steven/Doug: I do several backflips. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Into the water or onto the shore?

Steven/Doug: Onto the shore.

Tyrone/Keeper: Of course. 

Olive/Höde: As soon as I see Doug is free, I’ll reach out and little motes of electricity will start to spark up my hands, and I’m going to give the tentacle a big old smack.

Tyrone/Keeper: Wait, what move are you using?

Olive/Höde: Magic.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s four total plus something.

Rosie/Ezra: I could Help Out. I could Help Out.  

Steven/Doug: Plus three.

Olive/Höde: No, that’s alright. I did get a seven. 

Rosie/Ezra: Oh okay, cool.

Olive/Höde: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Ah, so choose your effect and choose a glitch. 

Olive/Höde: I’ll take one harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: As the glitch?

Olive/Höde: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: And what’s the effect?

Olive/Höde: Inflict one harm, so I’m going to inflict harm and it’s going to be an electrical zap.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, you see the electricity spark into the tentacle, into the reservoir, and you see all of these little squids rise to the surface. There’s still some that you can see, but a lot of them have risen to the surface, but it’s also channelled into you as you zap yourself for one harm as well.

Olive/Höde: “Ow.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Is the big one still alive?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, you can see that it did not like that. You can hear a screech in response though. A nice kraken screech.

[monstrous roar]

Jorja/Sassandra: “Sir Doug, I think you should hit it,” and I’m going to hold your sword and try to Use Magic to enchant it with lightning.

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll Use Magic.

Jorja/Sassandra: Dude, gang stuff.

Tyrone/Keeper: Gang gang shit.

Jorja/Sassandra: Gang gang shit. It’s Weird, right?

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Eleven.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, choose your effect. It works without issue. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Lightning! Huzzah! 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Enchant a weapon. It gains plus one harm and plus magic’?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I assume the magic is lightning.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, we’ll do that for flavour. You can also basically customise, so that’s what I’ve been doing if it doesn't perfectly fit into anything there.

Jorja/Sassandra: Beautiful.

Steven/Doug: I suppose I will Kick Some Ass with this enchanted sword I’ve just been given. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Do it.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Oh dear. I think I’m going to have to take a point of luck.

Tyrone/Keeper: What’d you roll?

Steven/Doug: Three for a total of four. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Jesus, you’re taking luck?

Steven/Doug: Yeah boy.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, let’s resolve it first, so ‘On a ten plus, choose one extra effect.’

Steven/Doug: Sure, let’s inflict terrible harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, so your sword does…?

Steven/Doug: Two.

Tyrone/Keeper: Two, and then another one from terrible harm, and then another one from the sword.

Steven/Doug: Da.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, you stab it in one of the tentacles that were reaching out towards somebody, sending ripples of electricity through its body right to the source. It’s sort of flailing about now, screeching, and one of the tentacles hits you, dealing one just harm. 

Steven/Doug: Zero harm.

Jorja/Sassandra: Could I protect? 

Steven/Doug: You leech! You leech! I love it. Protect me from the harm I’m not going to take.

Tyrone/Keeper: I will continue, but yes you can. This harm - whether it happens or not - the flailing will eventually stop from the spherical body, and it’ll rise to the surface and stop moving. Someone’s rolling a Protect Someone because you’re a little shit. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I haven’t done it for a while.

Steven/Doug: Oh my god, I’m Always The Victim. Mark experience.

Jorja/Sassandra: You’ve been doing it all day.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Five, six, seven.

Steven/Doug: So, that one harm I wasn’t going to take. You’re going to take it now.

Jorja/Sassandra: I wasn’t going to take it either.

Olive/Höde: What did you roll?

Jorja/Sassandra: One off. 

Olive/Höde: I will give you a helping hand,

Jorja/Sassandra: Thanks brother.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, how are you protecting, so he knows how to help you?

Jorja/Sassandra: I was standing next to Doug. My whole plan was to enchant someone’s weapon and then protect them. It just happened to be Doug. When the tentacles are flailing, I’m going to cover my head with an arm and push Doug out of the way.  

Tyrone/Keeper: Höde?

Olive/Höde: So, I see Sass get in the way and I’ll use the last little bit of electrical energy that’s still coursing through me, and send some sparks out to try and distract it from hitting Sass.  

*dice rolls*

Olive/Höde: That’s seven. 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Your help grants them plus one, but you also expose yourself to trouble or danger.’

Steven/Doug: I wasn’t going to take any harm.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m not either.

Steven/Doug: You experience whores.

Olive/Höde: It was successful, so you get a plus two.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yay, thank you. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’re now ten plus? No, seven plus?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I’m seven plus. ‘You protect them okay, but you suffer some or all of the harm they were going to get.’

Tyrone/Keeper: You (Sassandra) and you (Höde) each take one harm from these flailing tentacles.

Jorja/Sassandra: I don’t. I’m Prepared to Defend.

Tyrone/Keeper: Something about when you Protect Someone you take one less harm?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.  

Steven/Doug: We didn’t pre plan this.

Jorja/Sassandra: We absolutely didn’t. We figured it out afterwards.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure, Jan.

Jorja/Sassandra: Hey, I do Prepared to Defend knowing I have negative Tough, okay?

Tyrone/Keeper: You guys look over and there’s Captain Yes and Lu-Kass sitting nearby drinking their tea. They’ve got a picnic blanket out. They’ve got a picnic basket with some sandwiches.

Jorja/Sassandra: “We’re fine!”

Steven/Doug: “Yeah, thanks for the help.”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “You know I’ve never been much of a fighter. I’m a doctor not a fighter. Yeah, you’ve got this. You’re doing all your cool magic stuff, you know? That’s why you’re cool.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thanks. You’re so nice.”

Steven/Doug: “Did you guys see that cool backflip I did?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “That was fucking sick Doug. That was not at all mundane.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I didn’t. I saw no backflips of the sorts.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Eh? Did you hit your head?”

Rosie/Ezra: “No.”

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “No sign of my fiance in there I guess?”

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll look over. Is there anything?

Tyrone/Keeper: Nope.

Olive/Höde: “We need to get it out of the water.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “We shouldn’t touch the water.”

Olive/Höde: “No, I was thinking magic. Ezra, if you could try and I’ll help.”

Rosie/Ezra: “What are we doing?”

Steven/Doug: “Meanwhile, I’ll have one of those sandwiches if you don’t mind.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I would too, please. There’s a cucumber one.”

Steven/Doug: “Cucumber sandwiches. Those ones are my favourite.”

Olive/Höde: I love that you’re like, ‘Why have you roped me into this?’

Rosie/Ezra: What is it? What are we doing?

Steven/Doug: ‘I want sandwiches.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra, what are you doing?

Rosie/Ezra: What are we doing?

Olive/Höde: “Can you use your magic to pick it up, and I’ll also do it to help you?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh okay, sure.”

Olive/Höde: Yeah, so if you roll Use Magic, I’ll roll help.

Rosie/Ezra: Cool.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I rolled a ten.

Olive/Höde: I rolled a four, so you’re good, but I get experience. 

Rosie/Ezra: Ten it is. The magic works without issue.

Tyrone/Keeper: What happened here with our experience? You rolled a fail?

Olive/Höde: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: In helping out?

Olive/Höde: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: You rolled it perfect?

Olive/Höde: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: And you’re telekinesising it out of the water?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes. Yes, that’s what’s happening here. I’m doing a bit of a telekinesis.  

Tyrone/Keeper: So, Ezra, you’re lifting it out of the water. Höde looks like he’s helping.

Olive/Höde: Höde’s completely tapped out. No magic left. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra, you’ve accidentally moved it above Höde, and some of the water has dripped onto Höde, and you’re filled with a bit of melancholy.

Olive/Höde: “Hoooooooooooo…”

Steven/Doug: “D.”

[laughter]

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re particularly melancholy because Sir Doug seems to have just found and claimed one of your trinkets from your trinket box. It’s a lucky coin.

Steven/Doug: “Yes, I found it all by myself. Isn’t it marvellous?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Quite.” 

Olive/Höde: “That was my favourite coin, but it doesn’t belong to me anymore.”

Steven/Doug: I definitely picked it up with a handkerchief, so there is a layer of handkerchief between.

Olive/Höde: Good call.

Steven/Doug: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re just sort of thinking, ‘I don’t think that coin was there before. I wonder where it came from. Perhaps out of the sky.’

Steven/Doug: ‘As a master of currency, I do not recognise it.’

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘I’ll add it to my coin collection.’

Steven/Dou:g Well no, not if it’s worthless.

Olive/Höde: “Oh, he’s calling my lucky coin worthless. *sobs*”

Can I Use Magic to make another coin?

Jorja/Sassandra: I was just going to walk over to Höde, who I assume is a decent distance away from most people?

Tyrone/Keeper: Depends on Ezra…

Olive/Höde: I would have been standing next to Ezra.

Tyrone/Keeper: Because you guys were doing the magic together, so it depends if you’ve walked off now. 

Rosie/Ezra: No, I’m still there. I’m hanging out.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, Ezra is still there.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll walk up to Höde and find which pocket it is - there’s like one hundred -and she’ll pull out a little teaspoon, and I’ll say, “This is the spoon my mum would use to make me tea. It’s very precious to me, but you can have it for your next trinket box,” and hand it to Höde.

Olive/Höde: He’ll almost stare at you in utter disbelief and then he’ll start wailing. “ *sobs* This is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for Höde. *sobs* “

Jorja/Sassandra: Sass is going to be like, “Don’t mention it!” and runs away. 

Steven/Doug: ‘This never happened!’

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Yes, well anyway, it seems like it’s going to take a while cleaning these bodies out of the water to purify the water. We’ll head inside for some tea?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Why, yes.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes.”

Steven/Doug: “We could have tea right here. You’ve put out the picnic blanket.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I wouldn’t mind a sandwich.”

Steven/Doug: “You must try these cucumber sandwiches. They’re to die for.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I do love cucumber. Especially sea cucumber.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I take one out of another pocket and hand it to you.

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Ezra, I’m quite afraid you’ve soiled the sandwiches with all of this moving the squid through the air. We’ve got wet sandwiches now.”

Rosie/Ezra: “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of water in the food. Makes me feel right at home.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Not that water. Not that water.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh. Oh, you’re quite right.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “These ones I took before you did that, so you can have this one. It’s dry.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, thank you.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Going back into the castle? 

Jorja/Sassandra: Ah.

Olive/Höde: Yeah.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: As we’re all heading inside, Ezra, You think for a moment as you look up at the castle spire, and you think that you see that glimmer of ocean on the spire again before it’s gone.

Rosie/Ezra: Very interesting. I shan't try to communicate this time. I’ve learnt my lesson. My ear is still sore.  

Steven/Doug: I mean, I guess I could save it for next time, but I was just thinking, could I look at the coin and see if I at least recognise it? Is it money, or is it a random ass coin?

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure. 

Steven/Doug: Because as someone who has money, if it’s not worth anything I’ll probably just throw it on the ground.

Jorja/Sassandra: You have money?

Steven/Doug: I wouldn’t think to give it to Höde, sorry. I’m Doug.

Tyrone/Keeper: I won’t make you roll for it, why not? As a connoisseur of coin and money…

Steven/Doug: I have held quite a bit before. 

Tyrone/Keeper: This is not a coin that you recognise from this world. Obviously the elves, the dwarves, and all sorts of races bring in different currencies, but this is not one that you have ever seen before.

Steven/Doug: Okay cool, so as we’re walking towards the castle I’m just going to throw it on the ground.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m Sharp, do I see that? 

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure.

Jorja/Sassandra: I take it.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve got a lucky coin.

Olive/Höde: Lucky for who, though?

Jorja/Sassandra: You don’t know I have it. You’re busy crying. 

Olive/Höde: “ *sobs* It was whom. *sobs* “

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Keeper: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as The Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager, Steven Edwards as Doug, Olive Jerome as Höde, Rosemary Ochtman as Ezra, and Jorja Odd as Sassandra. Elias Moffat is our content producer, narrative consultant, and transcriber, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and an Editing Assistant, so if any of those sound like you please shoot us an email or slide into our DMs. We’re also on a bunch of social media now, including Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast. 

 -

Rosie/Ezra: Can you have a whole conversation please?

Jorja/Sassandra: I was really tempted to try and make him talk to himself.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Keeper: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* Well you see, I’ve invited you all over for a ninety minute podcast where I talk to myself. 

Rosie/Ezra: Please, I would enjoy watching that. 

-

Rosie/Ezra: I’m imagining you’re a dad, like an Aussie dad, walking out into a dam with his hands on his hips going, ‘Ah, yeah this is the life.’

Steven/Doug: It’s wet. I’ve rolled my pants up so I don’t get the pants wet.

Olive/Höde: Rolls up your steel plates.

-

Steven/Doug: I love how my character is like, ‘Get caught. Get out. Get caught again. Get out.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘I’m going to run into danger. Oh no, I’ve been caught. I’ll get out.’

Olive/Höde: ‘Oh, here I go running into danger once again’

Steven/Doug: ‘Oh good heavens, I’ve been caught again.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Who could have foreseen this?’

Olive/Höde: ‘However will I- Oh, I’m out.’

Steven/Doug: ‘You think I would have learned by now with all of this experience.’

-

Tyrone/Keeper: I guess we fade out here.

Olive/Höde: Cool.

Tyrone/Keeper: Unless anyone had anything cool to say?

Rosie/Ezra: Doop-di-doo.

Jorja/Sassandra: So, no?

Rosie/Ezra: No.

Olive/Höde: *sobs*