Episode 5: The Torturer

An old enemy makes a return and faces an icy reception. Inter-party tension continues to divide the team. Höde's workplace troubles come to a head. 

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language, fantasy violence, and mentions of illness.

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Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Doug is Steven Edwards

Höde is Olive Jerome

Ezra is Rosemary Ochtman

Sassandra is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and Editing Assistant. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Water Splash 1 - qubodup

Water, Pouring, A - Inspector J

AMBIENCE 1 CRICKETS AT NIGHT -MessyAcousticApocalypse666

Foggy Passage - Victor_Natas

Magic 12 - RICHERlandTV

Army Return - groovy_blue

sad_RPG-town_background - SciCodeDev

CD_CONTACT_006FX_Magic_Mystery - kevp888

Schumann - Scenes from Childhood, Opus 15 - A Tale of Distant Lands (Arr. for Music Box) - GregorQuendel

Chopin - Nocturne in F minor, Op. 55 No. 1 - Concert Grand Mix - GregorQuendel

Tchaikovsky - The Seasons - March, Song of the Lark, Opus 37a (Arr. for Music Box) - GregorQuendel

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Jorja/Sassandra: G’day mate, there are some content warnings for this episode that you can find down under in the description. 

Tyrone/Keeper: The warm summer night is clear as figures scurry through the newly-constructed sun temple. On the upper floors, various sorcerers eye the new supports, ensuring their hard work is structurally sound and the final pieces are, at last, in place. Down at ground level below the freshly-placed glass dome, Archbishop Rhena leans heavily on a pillar, its rough stone surface still warm from the desert sun and the magic that only recently settled it into place. It has been a tiresome few days, but at last  the work of her mages is coming to an end and the sun temple is back to its former splendour. She's relieved for it - Agnes has already treated one too many sorcerers eager to over-extend their magic reserves for the reconstruction effort. Rhena has no doubt that her lectures about monitoring mana levels have fallen on many a deaf ear. Fog rolls gently across the sandy floor, curling through the open doorways skittering between feet. As she surveys the space, stray strands of her hair begin to rise, floating upward by way of an unseen hand. The fog churns, suddenly thick in the once-clear night, and with a crackle and thunderous crash, one side of the sun temple caves in. Rhena watches in horror as the familiar form rises above her, stepping into the sun temple with a large foot of dense clouds. It tilts its large body down as though it is looking at her. In its featureless face, a long split appears in the impression of a too-wide grin. It raises its arms, spreading them wide. Rhena projects her voice to shout, already diving behind the pew.

Tyrone/Rhena: TAKE COVER!

Tyrone/Keeper: She shouts just as the giant brings its palms together with a deafening clap.

[thunder]

Tyrone/Keeper: With a flash of light and an even louder crack, lighting strikes the sun temple's dome, and glass rains from above.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Keeper: And welcome back to another episode of Portal Quandary: Monster of the Week!

Olive/Hӧde: Woohoo!

Steven/Doug: Woo!

Rosie/Ezra: Woohoo. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yew! It has been a couple of days now since we fought our last monster - the pentapus - and we’re chilling the castle with Lu-Kass and Captain Yes, but before we go any further we’re going to go straight into our checklist today to talk about getting some experience. Are you ready to answer the questions? 

Rosie/Ezra: Always.

Olive/Hӧde: As they say, I’m ready spaghetti. 

Rosie/Ezra: I can assure you that the answer to everything will be yes and we will get the experience. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Question number one: did you conclude the current mystery?

Rosie/Ezra + Olive/Hӧde: Yes

Tyrone/Keeper: Did you save someone from certain death or worse?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Who?

Rosie/Ezra: The town. Höde was standing on top of a waterfall and I told him not to be there.

Jorja/Sassandra: I feel like if everyone kept crying they would have dehydrated. Also, not done anything else because that’s all the fuck they were doing. 

Tyrone/Keeper: I’m going to give you this one only because Ezra got her experience point from preventing Doug from drowning. 

Rosie/Ezra: That’s right.

Jorja/Sassandra: Ah, I forgot about that.

Steven/Doug: I blocked it out.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, fair. I block any scene you’re 

in out. 

[laughter]

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s mundane. It’s like side character stuff. 

Olive/Hӧde: You’re just too boring.

Tyrone/Keeper: Lame. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m kidding, I love Sir Doug. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Question three: did you learn something new and important about the world?

Olive/Hӧde: We learned that they have a really cool and intuitive water delivery system.

Tyrone/Keeper: There’s something important that happened last episode if anyone can remember that. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I learned about Höde’s organisation.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, at the secret society. Yeah, that’s right. You did.

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s what it’s called, ‘secret society.’

Olive/Hӧde: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, last question: did we learn something new and important about one of the hunters?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, Ezra’s a fucking snitch.  

Rosie/Ezra: Jorja was lying! Jorja was lying!

Jorja/Sassandra: Jorja wasn’t lying. You just know that I went somewhere. You don’t know that I know!

Tyrone/Keeper: I don’t think I’ve heard a good case yet.

Rosie/Ezra: What!?

Jorja/Sassandra: She’s a snitch!

Rosie/Ezra: She’s lying. I know that she’s not being truthful, and I never knew that, and that’s a new thing.

Jorja/Sassandra: No you don’t. You know that I went to another world.  

Rosie/Ezra: I had a vision.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, it didn’t say that she knows she went there. Did it?

Olive/Hӧde: I’m pretty sure it was also last episode that Ezra explained that she was cursed because of her parents.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I also learned that you’re in a secret society.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, so I feel like that would fit in. We learned that, and that her gifts and powers came from this weird curse that her parents sold her into or gave her up?

Rosie/Ezra: No, they just made a pact, and I’m part of the pact.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, sold their child for great power. 

Tyrone/Keeper: I think it’s like a first-born child sort of thing. We give you power, you possess my first-born child. 

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, so that.

Tyrone/Keeper: I’ll give it to you for learning about Höde’s secret society. 

Rosie/Ezra: See? I knew all the answers would be yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: If you get three or four, you mark two experience points.

Rosie/Ezra: Yes!

Jorja/Sassandra: I levelled up!

Tyrone/Keeper: Ah shit. Now we have to do that.

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay! Sorry. Got it now.

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s alright. What have you got?

Jorja/Sassandra: Sassandra just wakes up and puts some sunnies on and she’s cooler.

Steven/Doug: Fuck all the way off. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You had broken reading glasses before, so maybe you’ve got new ones now.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, they’re transition lenses.

Tyrone/Keeper: She just actually got some eye work done.

Jorja/Sassandra: She got lasik.

Tyrone/Keeper: Jesus. So, you got plus one Cool?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yep. Plus one Cool, up to two.

Tyrone/Keeper: Hell yeah. Alright, we have two rolls to do as well at the start of a mystery before we get into it again. Do you want to roll a premonition Ezra?

Rosie/Ezra: I would love to roll a premonition Tyrone.

Tyrone/Keeper: In that exact same moment as well, let’s roll your sect roll.

Olive/Hӧde: Oh, yes. 

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: I think I’ve successfully made this roll once.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep.

Olive/Hӧde: Five. ‘They ask me to do something bad. If I fail a mission or refuse an order, I’ll be in trouble with the sect until I atone.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, I’ve got it. I’ve got it, I’ve got it. We’re sitting around the dining hall having our tea as Ezra explains how they drink the tea under the sea once again. She’s got her salt tea once again.

Olive/Hӧde: *to the tune of Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid* Under the tea. 

Jorja/Sassandra + Rosie/Ezra: *to the tune of Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid* Under the tea.   

Tyrone/Keeper: And the morning mail is arriving, so there’s one being passed to you. There’s one being passed to Lu-Kass. A lot is being passed to Lu-Kass actually. There’s a lot of wedding favours because there’s a lot of people being like, ‘I need to leave the city now. Your wedding didn’t go ahead. I can’t just stick around, so here’s the wedding favour.’ Everyone else doesn’t get letters though, I’m sorry. 

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s fine, I’m stealing some.

Steven/Doug: What about Sir Doug?

Tyrone/Keeper: Do you have any subscriptions?

Jorja/Sassandra: Do you have Netflix?

Steven/Doug: None that I want on record. 

Olive/Hӧde: Not so mundane after all.

Tyrone/Keeper: Knight Weekly. 

Steven/Doug: I read it for the sport’s articles.

Jorja/Sassandra: No-one believes that. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You get a letter. I assume you open it.

Olive/Hӧde: I’ll open it. What’s it say? What’s on the paper? What are the words? Read to me.

Tyrone/Keeper: Signed with a ‘V’ at the bottom, it reads: ‘You have this mission once again. Fuck it up and you are out.’

Olive/Hӧde: “I have to say, I’m not a fan of the foul language.”

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Ensure a witness doesn’t leave the scene of the temple. Your next target will be found there.’

Olive/Hӧde: “I’m going to fuck this up.”

Steven/Doug: ‘I’m so fired.’

Olive/Hӧde: “I have to start putting my resume together again.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, Ezra, you have to roll a premonition.

Rosie/Ezra: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: And what did you roll?

Rosie/Ezra: I rolled ten.  

Tyrone/Keeper: So, ‘On a ten plus, you get detailed visions.’

Rosie/Ezra: Mhmm, and I get a plus one forward to prevent it happening, so that’s a plus one to everything, right?

Tyrone/Keeper: No, that’s a plus one forward specifically to prevent what’s about to happen in your premonition.

Rosie/Ezra: Which is subjective. Interesting.

Olive/Hӧde: I heard wiggle room.     

[laughter]

Tyrone/Keeper: You get a very similar vision, actually. One that you got a few days ago that you prevented, and yet here you are again with the exact same vision. It is a cleric getting struck by lightning. You can see specifically archbishop Rhena. It’s because you’ve had this vision before, and now you get some details added to it. You see specifically Archbishop Rhena getting struck by lightning with a giant standing above her.

Rosie/Ezra: Cool. Cool. “Hey guys, do we know if there’s any thunderstorms scheduled for today?”

Jorja/Sassandra: I look out the window.

Tyrone/Keeper: Lightning strikes.

[thunder]

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh okay, I’m just going to head down to the temple. Yeah, bye.” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Is it alright, can I come with you? I like the rain.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I feel like I just need some alone time at the temple, but thank you Höde.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Alright, let’s all go.”

Rosie/Ezra: No. 

Olive/Hӧde: “Yay! Group trip.”

Rosie/Ezra: I really thought I could just sneak out.

Jorja/Sassandra: Not with us.

Tyrone/Lu-Kass: “Actually, I was just reading in the front page of the newspaper - you know, The Magical Times - that they’ve just finished rebuilding the sun temple after that giant destroyed it the other day. I was thinking about going down there for the opening ceremony. Usually my Bart would go down there, but who knows where he is?”

Rosie/Ezra: Well, I’m just going to walk down to the sun temple, and I’m going to walk pretty speedily. I’m off. I’m off on a little adventure. I’m going pretty speedy. I’m not really waiting to see if anyone’s following. I’m just off. Bye.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m suspicious as hell, so I get on my bear and I leave.  

Tyrone/Keeper: He’s just next to the dining room table.

Jorja/Sassandra: He was eating porridge. 

Rosie/Ezra: Was it just right?

Jorja/Sassandra: Always.

Olive/Hӧde: Did it have a bit of honey?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Is it the same with Constance? Constance is next to the dining room table?

Steven/Doug: Absolutely not. She’s outside in the stables. 

Tyrone/Keeper: In the storm?

Steven/Doug: With the stablehand in the storm.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, Sassandra, Ezra, and Höde run down while you go and visit the stablehand to go get Constance. 

Steven/Doug: Sure.

Jorja/Sassandra: First you fill up a thermos with tea.

Steven/Doug: Sir Doug drinks tea. 

Rosie/Ezra: Would he not?

Olive/Hӧde: He’s also got to wait five minutes for his packed sandwiches.

Rosie/Ezra: Cut into triangles.

Steven/Doug: ‘Thank you mummy dearest.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Someone’s shining his helmet.

Steven/Doug: I’m just standing in a T-pose while squires dress me. “I will meet you before the opening ceremony.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Sir Doug, do you think you could maybe not get dressed in the communal space?” 

Steven/Doug: “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Okay.”

Steven/Doug: I’ve got my undergarments on. This is all the other bullshit armour and stuff.  

Tyrone/Squire: “You’re looking very dashing today sir. Shall we be going with the red or the gold?”

Steven/Doug: “It is a special occasion. Gold.”

Tyrone/Squire: “A very good choice.”

Tyrone/Keeper: You open the doors to the castle and the first thing you notice is a giant over the sun temple. A very familiar giant that we’ve all seen before.

Rosie/Ezra: “Argh!”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, our friend is back.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, no, Höde. That’s not a friend. Okay, bye,” and I go faster.

Olive/Hӧde: “Does she want us to follow her?”

Rosie/Ezra: “No!”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I don’t think so, but we’re going to anyway. Come on Höde.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Okay. Do we need to be quick?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, I wish that I still had my running shoes.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ve already put Höde on Vervain and we’re running.

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra’s running. You overtake her on Vervain.

Rosie/Ezra: “Can I get on?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “No. No room.”

Olive/Hӧde: “You can take my spot if you like Ezra.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh Höde, that’s so kind. I’ll actually take you up on that.”

Olive/Hӧde: Höde will absolutely get off the bear.

Jorja/Sassandra: I didn’t stop!

Olive/Hӧde: No! I assume she would just run it up.

Steven/Doug: Höde’s just like, ‘Ah,’ as he falls off. 

Jorja/Sassandra: We run past her and Höde’s like, ‘I’ll get off.’ He jumps off but I’m still ahead.

Rosie/Ezra: Now we’re both just running. 

Olive/Hӧde: “I didn’t really think that through, but I guess I can walk now.”

Steven/Doug: And Doug will ride past on Constance like, “Stop fucking around Höde.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Sir Doug, Sir Doug, please can I get up?”

Steven/Doug: “I haven’t the time!”

[laughter]

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, how this has backfired.”

Olive/Hӧde: “It’s okay Ezra. We can walk together.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I’m going to run, but thank you Höde. That’s so kind of you. Bye.”

Steven/Doug: I’ll catch up to Vervain and be like, “I’ll race you Sass.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Both of you roll an Act Under Pressure.

Jorja/Sassandra: Ooo, I just levelled up my Cool.

Steven/Doug: Shit.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: I got a ten. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I only got a nine.

Steven/Doug: Oh shit.

Tyrone/Keeper: Constance wins.

Jorja/Sassandra: Vervain starts to feel sick. ‘Maybe that porridge was not just right.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Vervain says that?

Jorja/Sassandra: In his mind. I assume that’s what he says. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Jesus. We arrive.

Steven/Doug: But I got there first.

Tyrone/Keeper: We arrive in the downspout, in the pouring rain. You can hear thunder. You can see some strikes of lightning happening around the sun temple. 

Steven/Doug: More like the cloud temple.  

Jorja/Sassandra: Terrible

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, it’s a very similar scene to three days ago, I believe it was. Archbishop Rhena  is in the centre directing the sorcerers to evacuate the building. She’s got flashbacks. She’s like:

Tyrone/Rhena: “Please leave the building. You know what happened last time.”

Olive/Hӧde: As they’re running out and we’ve all arrived I assume, Höde will rush over and be like, “No everyone, please stay. You all have to stay here. You can’t leave. The weather’s too dangerous. Please stay. Please.”

Jorja/Sassandra: What the fuck, Höde?

Steven/Doug: “Höde, what are you talking about? We need to evacuate the temple. It could fall at any moment.”

Olive/Hӧde: “They’re not allowed to leave.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Why not? Because I did get quite a concerning vision. I won’t tell you all what it is because- Anyway, why do you want them all to stay?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I’m sorry, you got a concerning vision but you were going to come here on your own saying there was no issue?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Um…”

Jorja/Sassandra: “That’s very interesting.”

Rosie/Ezra: “It was just a bit worrisome, and I didn’t want to worry any of you, and I thought that maybe I could do it by myself and it would be really cool and look good for my internship at the council because then it would look really good on the resume. I probably didn’t think it through, but it was really stressful and scary.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Swarms of mages clad in white and red are running past you just standing in the middle, and all of these people are pushing into you basically.

Jorja/Sassandra: I have a question for The Keeper. ‘The Things I’ve Seen: When I encounter a creature or phenomenon, you may declare that you have seen it before,’ which I have. Like, we have.

Steven/Doug: Yes.

Jorja/Sassandra: Can you remind me of one useful fact I learned and one danger I need to watch out for. I do not remember the fight. I just remember being labelled an abandoner.   

Steven/Doug: And if you say lightning I will kill you.

Tyrone/Keeper: That was it last time. You saw it from the castle last time do the big clap with the lightning. As you’re looking around, you realise that the reason that it’s so difficult to see is not the downpour, and it’s not the dust being kicked up by the clerics. It is in fact coming from the cloud giant itself. It’s putting fog into the sun temple.

Olive/Hӧde: I’d like to do a little bit of magic. I’ll roll the dice and see how we do.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Nine, so it works imperfectly, so I choose an effect and a glitch. So, I would actually like to use That old Black Magic feat that I have, so when I Use Magic I can ask one of the Investigate a Mystery questions as part of my effect,a nd I would like to ask what can hurt it?

Tyrone/Keeper: What can hurt it? You recall last time, you guys were having a pretty good fight, and then it turned into mist and went away, so you surmise that if there’s a way that you can trap its gaseous form - if there’s a way that you can turn a gas into a liquid or a solid - you might be able to do some damage.

Steven/Doug: Well, I don’t know how to do any of that, so I’m going to use What Could Go Wrong? and charge immediately into danger. 

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s a Kick Some Ass?

Steven/Doug: Well, I’m using the What Could Go Wrong? Which is, ‘you charge immediately into danger without hedging your bets. Hold two.’ I’m going to do that while I Kick Some Ass.

Tyrone/Keeper: Ah yeah, so hold two you can use to do a couple of things. Well, roll to Kick Some Ass. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: I got a nine.

Tyrone/Keeper: You got a nine, so, ‘you and whatever you’re fighting inflict harm on each other.’

Olive/Hӧde: Would you like a helping hand? Get you over to a ten.

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah? I can try. I can give it a red hot go. How am I helping you?

Jorja/Sassandra: I like to imagine you’re running over to Sir Doug to tell him you need to change the mist and you fall into him, and you push his sword in.

Olive/Hӧde: I’m just going to start going over like, “Sir Doug, where are you going? It’s going to turn into a mist again- Ugh!” He’ll fall over and bump you. I’ll see if this works first.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: That’s a nine, baby. So, you get plus two to yours.

Steven/Doug: Stunning.

Olive/Hӧde: I’ve got Helping Hand, but I also expose myself to trouble or danger. 

Steven/Doug: What’s your Cool?

Olive/Hӧde: Zero.

Steven/Doug: Nice. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, so resolving Sir Doug first, you’ve gotten a ten plus now on Kick Some Ass, so you get to choose one extra effect. I should also mention if none of you have done it, you can reset your health.  

Steven/Doug: When you plus one forward, is that…?

Tyrone/Keeper: Onto their next roll. 

Steven/Doug: Is that explained somewhere? Oh, it’s just plus one to the next roll?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah. Sometimes it’s plus one forward to a specific situation, but I think the one here is just to the next roll. If you give it to yourself you get plus one to your next roll. If you give it to someone else they get plus one to their next roll.

Steven/Doug: Right, right, right. I’m just going to inflict terrible harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: Are we spending any of our holds?

Steven/Doug: I’m going to reduce the harm suffered to me by two.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, and how much harm do you inflict all together?

Steven/Doug: Three.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, after doing all of that math and all of that mechanics, here is the story output. You run up and slash. Do you have a rapier, or is it a sword?

Steven/Doug: It’s a sword.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s a sword, so you slash at its ankles as before, doing a little Achilles’ Heel gash, and in response - as you would if your ankles are getting cut - kick. It’ll kick you out of the way, but it’s been reduced by two which makes one, which I think means your armour absorbs that, right?

Steven/Doug: See, I’ve got two armour, so that does zero damage.  

Tyrone/Keeper: However, someone else put themselves into danger.

Olive/Hӧde: I did, but fun fact that I forget about every time is that I have the Mystic feature, so every time I successfully Use Magic I can take a plus one forward, so that roll was actually a ten.  

Tyrone/Keeper: So the plus ten makes…

Olive/Hӧde: I just help them out.

Tyrone/Keeper: Ah yeah. Wonderful. Everything goes according to plan. We stab a giant in its Achilles’ heel, and you get kicked, but you're fine. Sweet. The mages are still running out, and Rhena is still in the middle giving orders out, and Agnes - the little old lady in the infirmary - is calling out from the sides.

Tyrone/Agnes: Rhena! Get out of the storm. Get out of the storm, you fool!

Jorja/Sassandra: She sounds not long for this world. Can I do some magic, or try to do some magic?

Tyrone/Keeper: I’m curious to see if Ezra has something, based on what we’ve got going on. We’ll go Ezra and then you.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I want to manipulate the big giant. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Jorja/Sassandra: So, we’re all dead.

Rosie/Ezra: Because it just says manipulate someone. It doesn’t specify that they have to be human-sized. 

Tyrone/Keeper: I think there’s a thing somewhere that says usually manipulating a monster is impossible, but… If you look at For Another Hunter. ‘Monsters and minions can’t normally be manipulated.’ 

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, in that case I want to telepathically manipulate the dude. You know him? Archbishop Rhena. Telepathically.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, you want to manipulate Rhena. How would you like to do that?

Rosie/Ezra: I would like to- Yep, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to roll.

Tyrone/Keeper: Before you roll, you have to give them a reason and tell them what you want them to do.

Rosie/Ezra: Wait, what?

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Once you have given them a reason, tell them what you want them to do. Then roll plus Charm,’ because I can’t do the result unless I know what you want to say to them first.  

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, so okay I telepathically - no one else hears this - say, “Hello Archbishop Rhena. Yes, I just had this weird, little vision where you get struck by lightning and you die, and it was coincidentally right where you are right now, so I’d like you to move from there and go back to the castle and be safe. Please and thank you.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I got a four, but I’m going to use my luck to change it to a twelve. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. As you’re saying this, you feel your patron, your friend that’s always around, whatever you want to refer to them as.

Rosie/Ezra: Spooky guy.

Tyrone/Keeper: You feel their presence well up inside you as you project your brain into this other person, but nothing happens yet; however, Archbishop Rhena is looking to the sky like:

Tyrone/Rhena: “Pelor? Pholtus? Is that you? Yes, yes, I’ll listen to you.”

Rosie/Ezra: Wait, do they think that I’m someone else?

Tyrone/Keeper: They think that you are the gods. 

Rosie/Ezra: Oh okay, yay.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘If you ask too much they tell you the minimum it would take for them to do it, or if there’s no way they’d do it.’

Tyrone/Rhena: “Okay, I’ll do it, but please make sure that everyone gets out of this place okay. I’ll go.”

Rosie/Ezra: Can I respond to that, or na?

Tyrone/Keeper: I mean, she says that out loud.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m not going to respond. I want her to think that I’m a god still.

Steven/Doug: Now you know what it feels like to be a telepath with great power.  

Rosie/Ezra: It feels powerful. Yay, are they safe now? Do I win?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, you can get the experience point.

Rosie/Ezra: Levelling up!

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, and you can see that she runs off, and you can see Agnes, satisfied with that, retreats as well.

Rosie/Ezra: “Yay! Everyone, I did it. I want you all to know I did it. They’re saved. Hoorah!”

Olive/Hӧde: “Great work, Ezra.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Thank you.”

Olive/Hӧde: “You know guys? I feel like we’re all finally coming together as a team.”

Steven/Doug: “Not now Höde. Giant!”

Jorja/Sassandra: “There’s still a giant.”

Rosie/Ezra: “My work’s done.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, right.”

Steven/Doug: You’re like, ‘I’m going home. Bye!’

Rosie/Ezra: ‘I’m out!’

Olive/Hӧde: ‘I’m ducking out. Thanks. Thanks for having me.’

Rosie/Ezra: I got my experience. That’s what I’m here for. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Jorja wanted to do something?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I’m going to Use Magic to do something that humans don’t do. What’s it called?

Tyrone/Keeper: Beyond human limitations.

Jorja/Sassandra: That’s the one. I want to change the weather, Change the atmospheric pressure so that the mist turns into a liquid.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll try it anyway.

Olive/Hӧde: It’s about to get real wet in here.

Tyrone/Keeper: Real humid.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I rolled a nine.

Tyrone/Keeper: And we’re doing something beyond human limitations.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: And your glitch?

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s of short duration.

Rosie/Ezra: Interesting.

Jorja/Sassandra: I assume because it’s a big spell I wouldn’t be able to hold it for long.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, that’s fair. Which is funny because I was about to say that it’s going to take one minute to cast. It’s going to take a while to cast, and then it’s not going to last for very long once it goes off.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah. Good luck fellas. There's a giant there. I’ll be doing this. 

Tyrone/Keeper: How does this magic go? How are you thinking of doing it?  

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m thinking of Storm from X-Men. That’s what’s in my mind, but she’s got her hands out in that sort of position. Her eyes go cloudy. Her dress floats up to make what looks like moth wings as she does it.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re levitating a little bit.

Jorja/Sassandra: A little bit.

Steven/Doug: ‘By all seven winds of Africa.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra.

Rosie/Ezra: Hello.

Tyrone/Keeper: The presence inside you has built up as we’ve been talking about, and its needs get nastier, which includes paranoia. And so, we see someone that we already kind of distrust start to build up a big spell. You’re like, ‘What the fuck are they doing? Are they about to blow us all up?’

Rosie/Ezra: “Hey, hey, hey, Sass. What are you doing there?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Well it keeps trying to turn into mist, so I’m trying to stop it from being mist.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Uh-huh. I think that perhaps you shouldn’t do that because there are things worse than mist like fire, and I think that you’re going to make fire,” and I’m going to push her. “Mist is pretty close to water, and I trust water. Some things I don’t trust.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I’m turning it to water!”

Rosie/Ezra: “Really?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes!”

Rosie/Ezra: Can I read her mind with my Telepathy?

Tyrone/Keeper: Is that how it works?

Rosie/Ezra: ‘You can read people’s thoughts and put words in their minds.’

Jorja/Sassandra: What?

[laughter]

Tyrone/Keeper: Read people’s minds and what?

Rosie/Ezra: Put words in their minds.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh. What are you thinking about Sassandra?

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s, ‘Is she seriously doing this again? I’m trying to help. Why doesn’t she believe me when I tell the truth?’

Rosie/Ezra: “I’m just going to walk over here. You know what? I think that water is a good idea. Thank you for that. I just got this dark voice in my head. You ever get that? Just a little buddy telling you that people are bad. Sorry.”

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re staring at Ezra and she’s got black eyes. No pupils or anything.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, that’s totally normal. I get it. No problem. Talk to you later.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Thanks bud.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “What the fuck? I must investigate her.” 

Rosie/Ezra: I’m just going to go into a corner and have a little breather. Just breathing by myself. “Yeah, you know what? These dark forces, they’re chill. They’re fine. I’m used to them. They won’t affect my relationships or my friendships or anything. It’s great.”

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’re there levitating, and she comes up like [pushing sound].

Rosie/Ezra: I didn’t end up pushing because I read her mind. I didn’t push in the end. So, I would have come up really fast saying this and about to push her, and at the last minute like, “You know what? It’s fine.”

Olive/Hӧde: Whilst all that is going on, Höde is going to use some more magic to attempt to trap a specific person, minion, or monster. So, I’m going to try to-

Steven/Doug: I’m stuck with three nerds. 

Olive/Hӧde: I’m going to try to trap the monster and keep it in place while the ceremony for the demistification is going on.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, give it a go.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Woo! That is fourteen.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, ‘on a ten plus, the magic works without issue. Choose your effect,’ which is to trap one specific monster.

Olive/Hӧde: We’re going to trap that giant. We’re going to keep it still.

Tyrone/Keeper: How are you going to do it?

Olive/Hӧde: There’s going to be some pre-drawn glyph cards, and he’s going to sift through them. “No, no that one. Not this one. Oh right, that’s the one,” and he’s going to draw it in the dirt on the ground, and he’s going to raise some vines from the ground that will grow and expunge a very dark purple sort of colour that’ll crawl and dig into the ground around the giant before exploding up and wrapping around his legs together, keeping him in place. 

Tyrone/Keeper: [imitating Höde’s slow speech pattern] ‘Go Sir Doug. You’ve got him.

Steven/Doug: That was a brilliant Höde impression. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Thank you.

Olive/Hӧde: That was spot on.

Steven/Doug: That was adorable. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What can I say?

Olive/Hӧde: The tempo was a little quick. 

Tyrone/Keeper: [imitating Höde’s slow speech pattern, but slower this time] ‘Go Sir Doug. You’ve got him.

Rosie/Ezra: That was pretty good.

Steven/Doug: Love it. 

Olive/Hӧde: We love it.

Steven/Doug: He’s going to pop his last sandwich. Can I get a gauge for how the temple is structured?

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. Well, how do I even begin? It’s a colosseum shape. It’s a big round building, and the top originally had a glass dome, but that’s been shattered in, so now it’s open air at the top. There isn’t seating or anything like a colosseum though. It’s used to house the clerics for the clerical work. There is the altar in the middle. The cloud giant is standing on it at the moment, but the idea was there was this big magnifying glass thing that would magnify the sun into one specific spot on the altar. All that remains is the altar now. Not the magnifying glass part. 

Steven/Doug: So, he’s in the centre of this temple?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Steven/Doug: Would there be a way for me to climb up the temple to meet him more at head-heighter, rather than attacking his ankles?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, for sure. Because it’s a multi-layered building, so it’s ground level from here but there are stairs on the inside to get to the more communal areas because there's the bedrooms in there, but towards the top are the communal spaces like the mess hall and the hanging out area.

Steven/Doug: Cool, I’m going to invoke my Don’t Worry, I’ll Check It Out, and go off to the top.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s probably about five stories tall. About a five storey building. 

Steven/Doug: That sounds pretty scary, right?

Tyrone/Keeper: Pretty scary. 

Steven/Doug: Cool. I mark experience.

[laughter]

Steven/Doug: And then I’m going to Kick Some Ass.

Tyrone/Keeper: I reckon you’re probably up to its chest height.

Steven/Doug: Cool, that’s where all the vital organs are. Let’s go. 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Oh dear. I got a six, but I would like to change that to a twelve. 

Rosie/Ezra: Yes, let’s all be doomed.

Steven/Doug: And my Mundane special is, ‘When I spend a point of luck, I find something weird, maybe even useful.’ 

Jorja/Sassandra You get a humidifier.

Steven/Doug: Stunning. ‘What is this magical contraption? Yeet!’ Throws it away.

Jorja/Sassandra ‘I don’t do blue collar work.’

Tyrone/Keeper: The tops been wrecked a bit, but you come up to where the communal study area is. It’s not quite a library. It’s just got desks and stuff. On one of those desks right at the top is a book opened up to a spell for essentially a Cone of Cold style spell. Something to shoot out immense cold. It lays it out there real basic. It’s like Cone of Cold For Dummies. 

Steven/Doug: I will grab the book of magic, and I guess after I stab him. He takes two harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: Two harm? And you take three harm.

Steven/Doug: I take one harm. I still have two armour, baby.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, what I’m picturing here is that you’ve lured it closer to you because it’s in the centre, so you’ve got to lure it closer to your side. You’ve stabbed it in the chets?

Steven/Doug: Sorry, now I’m picturing that I’ve jumped off, stabbed it in the chest, slid all the way down its body, and handed the book to you. Parkour.

Jorja/Sassandra In my head, as soon as you started describing that, it was jump off and stab into it, and you’re like, ‘Ugh.’ Let go and fall.

Steven/Doug: ‘Eww!’

Rosie/Ezra: Like, ‘Icky!’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Ugh, I’m near it now.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Is that what you want to do? You want to jump in and stab it in the middle?

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Hell yeah, and you slide all the way down its body?

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Fuck, that’s gross.

Steven/Doug: It’s okay, it’s made of cloud. It’s fine.

Rosie/Ezra: Everything’s a cloud.

Steven/Doug: Exactly. It’s fine. It’s not even real flesh. It’s fine.   

Tyrone/Keeper: And you get about halfway down its chest, and it picks you up and throws you to the ground.

Olive/Hӧde: Some of the vines reach out to gently catch your fall, but it’s still like you hit it hard.

Tyrone/Keeper: What are you doing with this book of Cone of Cold For Dummies?

Steven/Doug: I think i’m going to give it to Sass out of all three. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Who’s in the middle of a spell at the moment.

Steven/Doug: She’s the one I trust the most. I don’t know what she’s doing.

Jorja/Sassandra: She looks asleep. 

Steven/Doug: Yeah. I’m just going to bash her in the head with a book. “Do this one!”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh fuck, okay.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Höde’s just shuffling through all the glyph cards, and you’re looking at Ezra with black pupils. 

Steven/Doug: Yeah. Out of the three options.

Rosie/Ezra: I don’t understand. 

Steven/Doug: Oh, and I would give it to Rhena, but I don’t think…

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, she’s run off. She’s gone.

Steven/Doug: We don’t have control of the other people. Otherwise I’d give it to the dragon or something. ‘Dragon! Do magic!’

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, Lu-Kass did not come with you.

Steven/Doug: He wanted to see the ceremony.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, and then you opened the door and saw the cloud giant, and he’s like, ‘Nup.’

Olive/Hӧde: ‘I might actually stay in.’ Give it to the bear.

Steven/Doug: ‘Here Constance. Cast this.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Speaking of which, I think that climbing up a building, jumping down, and sliding down counts as probably a minute, so I think that this spell has finally gone off.  

Rosie/Ezra: She’s going off.

Tyrone/Keeper: How’s it go?

Jorja/Sassandra:  Well I assume that everyone would feel it. It would get more - I assume - colder (based on science), and the mist begins dripping I guess, and some pools start forming, and there’s condensation everywhere.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, I guess the air feels real thick as well? Yeah, the air starts to feel thick, and you can start to see a small layer of water across the bottom of the sun temple now. And yes, the fog is not coming out of the cloud giant anymore, which does set a bit of panic into it now.

Jorja/Sassandra:  “Ooo, this is not going to last long, so I guess I’ll read this book I just got thrown at me.”

Steven/Doug: “You’re welcome.”

Jorja/Sassandra:  “Thank you, Sir Doug.”

Rosie/Ezra: In light of the water on the floor, I’m going to realise that everything’s okay, and I shouldn’t listen to the dark forces, but I’m a bit emotionally not great at the moment, so I’m going to lie down in the water and take out some of the packets of salt I keep in my pockets and put them into the water and just lie there with my eyes closed as if I’m in the sea.   

Olive/Hӧde: That would be really therapeutic. That would feel really nice.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, right? Like sure, there might be a giant here that’s trying to kill everyone, but I just need a moment, you know?

Tyrone/Keeper: Just pull out a shell and listen to the sounds of the ocean.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Olive/Hӧde: Sometimes you just get overwhelmed and you have to escape to the sea.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m reading Cone of Cold For Dummies. “Okay, so if I do this, and I’ll do that. I’ll try it.”

Tyrone/Keeper: I’ll get you to roll a Use Magic again, and I’ll let you add a plus two forward to that for conditional.

Jorja/Sassandra: With a plus two?

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: A twelve?

Jorja/Sassandra: A twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘The magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’ Cone of Cold.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes. “Fuck you!”

[laughter]

Jorja/Sassandra: “It’s ice to meet you.”

Rosie/Ezra: Nice.

Olive/Hӧde: I preferred, ‘Fuck you.’ The delivery too. Spot on.

Jorja/Sassandra: She just keeps saying more and more. This isn’t an either or. She’s saying both.

Rosie/Ezra: She’s trying to find the best one.

Steven/Doug: This is the incantation in the book.

Jorja/Sassandra: “You need to chill out.”

Olive/Hӧde: Fuck.

Tyrone/Keeper: There’s so much written in the margins. All of these cool things they can say while they cast the spell.

Jorja/Sassandra: I think it’s part of the spell, so I have to say all of them.

Steven/Doug: And you’re like, ‘Oh, all of these are optional. Well.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Fuck.

Olive/Hӧde: ‘Ice weather we’re having.’

[laughter]

Tyrone/Keeper: Literally it’s a  cone of cold. This cone of ice and wind shoots up in it, and… How do I even explain it? You can start to see the ice crystals moving up its legs to its torso, getting into the gaps of the wound that Sir Doug cut into it. You can see the panic set in, and it’s trying to activate its fog. You can see its arms go into gas, but then it drops into little ice shards, and it stops. It’s not looking good, but you’ve made it very angry. 

Rosie/Ezra: While I’m lying there in my little, mini ocean that I’ve created, can I see - because I have The Sight - do I happen to see anything invisible like spirits or magical forces around? 

Tyrone/Keeper: You do see again your bestie, Clerica from episode one, and there are some other dead mages around that are fresh from the new calamity from today.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, cool. 

Tyrone/Clerica: “Hey girl.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Hey, how are you going?”

Tyrone/Clerica: “Just great. I love watching my people slowly get murdered by a giant.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, do you have any tips on how I can kill it because yeah…?”

Olive/Hӧde: ‘Hey!’

Rosie/Ezra: Literally. I’m just lying there with my eyes kind of open and dark still. “Oh yeah, can you see all of the dark forces around me? Are they real bad right now? Because it feels real bad.”

Tyrone/Clerica: “Yeah girl, yeah. I think you really need to get checked out by Archbishop Rhena. You need to get a purification spell happening or something. Whatever’s happening inside you is getting more powerful since I last saw you, what? Three days ago now.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, yeah, I might look into that, hey. Yeah, cool.”

Tyrone/Clerica: “I’d really love it if you guys could help me make sure that nobody else dies, so that it’s okay for me to move on, you know? I’m still worried about my made friends, you know?”

Rosie/Ezra: “You wouldn’t prefer if they died to join?”

Tyrone/Clerica: “I mean, it is nice that Stefanie over here joined me, but I would prefer them alive.”

Rosie/Ezra: *strained* “Okay, I’ll get up and help.”

Tyrone/Keeper: What was that?

Rosie/Ezra: That was Ezra sitting up from the water.

Olive/Hӧde: Of course.

Jorja/Sassandra: Dehydrating immediately. 

Olive/Hӧde: I’d like to use another little bit of magic if I could.

Tyrone/Keeper: Go on. It’s the theme.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, I’m just going to do a classic. I’m going to inflict some harm. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh shit.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, and I do have a plus one forward as well.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: That’s a nine…

Jorja/Sassandra: Did you plus your one forward?

Olive/Hӧde: Ten! Thank you. Ten!

Jorja/Sassandra: Ten!

Tyrone/Keeper: What is this forward from? 

Olive/Hӧde: From successfully using magic last time. Yeah, each time that I successfully Use Magic I get plus one forward. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Shit, okay, and our intended use is to inflict one harm. How are we doing that?

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, so I’m going to - still holding onto the spell with the vines wrapped around it and dig into it - I’m then going to imbue it with a cold ice magic, and it’s just going to shoot across the vines, and as it’s attached to him it’s going to have the amplification of the chilly frost, so he takes one point of harm as thorns are digging into him and it’s all cold and sore and owie.

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘I’m giving him an owie.’

Olive/Hӧde: ‘I just got to give him an owie.’

Tyrone/Keeper: It is not great. It is looking to make a run for it. It is probably looking for the nearest wall out of the city because it can see over the wall and out to the desert, and it’s going to start making a run for it. 

Olive/Hӧde: It’s trapped.

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to cast some magic.

Tyrone/Keeper: That is a good point. It’s going to try and run, and it’s going to trip. It’s going to fall into the side of the building.

Rosie/Ezra: I want to cast some magic, and I want to Hex it.

Olive/Hӧde: They already had to rebuild most of it anyway. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: Nice. Okay, that was a fourteen.

Tyrone/Keeper: Jesus Christ.

Rosie/Ezra: When I levelled up I got more Weird. I’m going to make it contract a disease. I want it to get covid, but really, really bad covid where you can’t walk or get out of bed. 

Olive/Hӧde: What the fuck Rosie? Not just blindness?

Jorja/Sassandra: Not frostbite?

Rosie/Ezra: No, covid. That’s what came to mind.

Jorja/Sassandra: Pneumonia. 

Rosie/Ezra: Covid, but the really bad kind where you can’t get out of bed or do anything. 

Steven/Doug: Sir Doug’s going to pull his little handkerchief out again and put it over his face.

Olive/Hӧde: Mask it up. 

Rosie/Ezra: It just suddenly collapses. It’s too weak. 

Steven/Doug: It’s on the ground. 

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, but now it can’t get up. Stuck. Dead. Too weak. Can’t fight back.

Tyrone/Keeper: You essentially open a mini portal of your own and you can see this contagion come through the portal and close back up, and now you can see the giant *deep breathing*. It’s heavy breathing. It’s not even trying to get back up. I don’t know why we gave it covid, but that’s what happened. 

Rosie/Ezra: It just popped in my brain. Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: And now someone wants to stab it while it’s got covid and it’s on the ground?

Steven/Doug: Well, now I feel bad.

Tyrone/Keeper: You going to kill this giant with covid?

Jorja/Sassandra: You don’t feel bad. You just don’t want to get sick, so you don’t want to get near it. 

Steven/Doug: I don’t. It’s got one of those mundane diseases. I’m susceptible to those. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re not going to get anywhere near it now?

Steven/Doug: No.

Jorja/Sassandra: Cone of Cold again.

Tyrone/Keeper: Another Cone of Cold. Jesus. Okay.

Rosie/Ezra: You are welcome. 

Tyrone/Keeper: We’ll finish it up with another Use Magic roll. Fuck, I guess.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Ten.

Olive/Hӧde: We are on fire today guys.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, what the fuck?

Steven/Doug: No, we used ice.

Jorja/Sassandra: I do it again, and I say, “You won’t be missed [mist]”

Tyrone/Keeper: Was this one in the margins too?

Jorja/Sassandra: No, she thought of it herself.

Steven/Doug: She added it to the book.

Jorja/Sassandra: She read that they were optional cool catchphrases, and she thought of another one. 

Steven/Doug: ‘When fighting a giant that turns into mist say this.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Very situational but effective.

Tyrone/Keeper: And this cold comes over it again as this covid-inflicted giant-

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll freeze the germs so it can’t get you.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s ice spreads to the rest of its body up its chest and into its head. It starts cracking, and you can see its head cracking, and it starts shattering into tiny little ice shards, and it’s dead.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yuck. “Well, sucks for whoever is cleaning this up.”

-

Tyrone/Keeper: Hey, it’s Tyrone, your Keeper. We’re already up to episode five out of six of our Monster of the Week mini-series. We’re already making great strides in planning season three as well, which is why I’m here today to say that we’re adding listener names in as NPCs for season three when they share about the show. So, we’re running this through Instagram and Facebook, so find our pinned post over there and follow the details. If you’re on Instagram as well, make sure that when you’re sharing that you tag us so that we can see it. We want to make sure that it gets seen and that you get in the show. Let’s quickly head over to the ad featuring another awesome Monster of the Week podcast. 

The Thorne Files Podcast Ad Read: Are you a fan of mind bending mysteries and terrifying monsters? Well, come and listen to The Thorne Files Podcast. A Monster Of The Week, actual play podcast with new episodes coming out every other Friday. Set in 1952, four investigators find themselves entangled in the world full of malevolent forces seeking to destroy the world as we know it. Will they uncover the secrets in the darkness? And more importantly, will they survive to see the light?  

Tyrone/Keeper: Before we get back to the episode, I just want to quickly talk about our Patreon. We’ve got tiers for every level of support. The entry tier provides access to character and monster sheets and ad-free episodes. Free from me talking about our Patreon like right now. That middle tier provides access to all of that plus bonus episodes, like our The Quiet Year mini-series telling the history of Prophis (the world of season two). And that highest tier provides access to early-access episodes, which usually come out between two and three weeks before the official release. Anyway, I’ll let you get back to the episode. The finale pf our Monster of the week arc will be coming out Friday, December 13th. 

-

Olive/Hӧde: “Well, it looks like that's another monster for the list. Now, excuse me everyone, but if we could have you all make a statement and don’t leave. Please. Thank you. Alright.”

Tyrone/Keeper: Everyone’s already left.

Olive/Hӧde: “Well, I guess I better start finding another job.”

Rosie/Ezra: “What job is that Höde?”

Olive/Hӧde: “Well see, I’m going to get fired anyway. I work for this sect. It’s like this secret society, and we hunt monsters, and I’ve not been doing too good lately.”

Rosie/Ezra: “But you got the monster.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Yeah, but I was told I wasn’t allowed to let anyone leave today, or else I’d be in big trouble, and then they were all running away because it was a mass hysteria. So, I don’t know what to do now. All I’ve ever known is this world, and this ect and my trinkets, and now I have nothing.”

Rosie/Ezra: “You can join the dark side.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I would not do that.”

Rosie/Ezra: “My family has connections.”

Olive/Hӧde: “What’s a dark side?”

Rosie/Ezra: “It’s just this weird, spooky, spirit thing that owns me and my family, and yeah. We have to do things that it wants us to do, and it’s just always kind of there. Yeah, but you get some cool powers, which is cool, but it does kind of control you. Yeah, but yeah you can join.”

Olive/Hӧde: “You lost me when you said ‘side’ because I thought you said ‘cider,’ and now I just want a nice warm cider in my belly.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Sassandra is making copious notes as Ezra talks. “Oh, so that’s what’s happening.”

Rosie/Ezra: One of my dark eyes starts to stare at you.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Eww.” I make a note and draw a picture.

Olive/Hӧde: “But seriously, it sounds like you’re like you’re in a similar position that I am in with the sect because they do the same thing. They tell me what to do and I have to do it all the time. They tell me to do bad things sometimes. Like to hurt people, but I don’t want to hurt people. I just want to kill monsters.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, I think maybe you should leave the sect then because mine doesn’t make me do bad things.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I don’t know if I could get away with a resignation. I think they’re going to fire me.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You literally just said that it makes you do bad things.”

Rosie/Ezra: “No, it doesn't make you. It gives you the urge and you can choose to fight it or not, but it doesn’t make you, and you can sometimes fight the urge. Except for when it’s really bad and then you just have to do it. Yeah.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “So, sometimes it does.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay, well sometimes Höde doesn’t kill people because he failed his mission, so it’s the same.”

Olive/Hӧde: “But does this dark side leave you?”

Rosie/Ezra: “No. It’s part of me. It’s fun.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Well, that sounds better than the sect. At least I won’t be alone.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I can draw up the agreement soon if you want. You can join.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I’ll read it over.”

Steven/Doug: “Sandwich?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thank you. Should we leave these freaks?”

Tyrone/Keeper: From the sky, a slightly glowing figure with angelic wings starts flying in from the sky. They’ve got a waistcoat, a little monocle-

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m taking notes. 

Tyrone/Keeper: As they come in they speak out.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Höde. I think you know what you’ve done. It’s time to hand in the badge.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Can I say one thing first?”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Don’t make it take too long. We know how your speeches go.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I never dreamt this day this day would come, but I really only have one thing to say: Fuck you.” I’ll take the badge out and throw it onto the ground. “I’m done.”

Tyrone/Keeper: And they’ll pick it up, and they’ll go over and hand it to Sassandra.

Jorja/Sassandra: “I don’t want his position.”

Olive/Hӧde: “No, you’re going to love this job. The benefits are great.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You just said all of these terrible things about it.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Well, the hours are shit and the boss is a total maniac - like psychopathic. Like, they’re kind of like a murderess villain, but great health benefits. I lost all my teeth. Look at my smile. Can you see these? One hundred percent fake, but all for free.”

Jorja/Sassandra: They’re all jagged.

Olive/Hӧde: It’s just twigs.

Tyrone/Keeper: Eww.

Jorja/Sassandra: Sassandra loves that.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “Are you happy residing here Höde, or would you like to go back home?”

Olive/Hӧde: “I think I can find my own way, but it will take me a long time.”

Tyrone/Valtyra: “I suppose you can have this back now,”

Tyrone/Keeper: And she’ll throw out your trinket box onto the floor.

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, my trinkets! Come to me! Come to papa!”

Tyrone/Keeper: They’ll look at Ezra and stare at you for a minute then nod. They’ll look to Doug for a moment and nod.

Tyrone/Valtyra: “I hope I see you two soon.”

Tyrone/Keeper: And she starts flapping up and flying away.

[wing flaps]

Rosie/Ezra: “Okay, bye.”

Steven/Doug: “Who was that?”

Olive/Hӧde: “Yeah, that’s the piece of shit I used to work for. There’s no better way to explain it really. Yeah. Does anyone feel like getting a snack? I’m really hungry.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Do you have any seaweed here?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Sea… Weed…?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Weed from the sea.”

Rosie/Ezra: “What do you do with your weed?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “We have what’s called a weed whacker.” Did they take Höde’s…?

Tyrone/Keeper: Badge?

 Jorja/Sassandra: Badge. Yeah. 

Tyrone/Keeper: No, they threw it on the ground near you. 

Olive/Hӧde: “Sassandra.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Hello.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Well, I have a lot of my trinkets here now, and I know how much this spoon really meant to you, so I’d like for you to have it back, so you can keep it and remember your grandfather.”

[laughter]

Tyrone/Keeper: Nope.

Olive/Hӧde: No? Who’s spoon was it?

Jorja/Sassandra: My mother’s.

Rosie/Ezra: That’s like the opposite.

Olive/Hӧde: Oh shit.

Jorja/Sassandra: We talked about this earlier today.

Olive/Hӧde: I forgot.  

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, thank you Höde. I’ll take it, but if you want to keep it you can.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I do love trinkets, but no. It’s the right thing to do. I also won’t be upset if you want to take my old job. I suppose I’d just feel a bit burnt, but I think you’d be really good at it and it could help you a lot. These people know lots and lots of things.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I appreciate that. I’ll take the spoon back, but when I find my mum then I’ll give it back to you, and I don’t lock into long-term contracts. I like to do my own thing, but thank you.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I hear you, player.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thanks gang.” For real, for real, on god.

Olive/Hӧde: “So, you don’t want that?” Pointing to the badge on the ground.

Jorja/Sassandra: “No, do you want to put it in your trinkets?”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, fuck no.” I’ll put the heel of my boot on it and squish it into the dirt.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, Jesus. That’s it?

Jorja/Sassandra: “Sandwiches?”

Steven/Doug: “I have sandwiches.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Sharesies?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Let’s fuck off from here. I’m not cleaning any of this shit up.”

[fanfare]

Tyrone/Keeper: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as The Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager, Steven Edwards as Doug, Olive Jerome as Höde, Rosemary Ochtman as Ezra, and Jorja Odd as Sassandra. Elias Moffat is our content producer, narrative consultant, and transcriber, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and an Editing Assistant, so if any of those sound like you please shoot us an email or slide into our DMs. We’re also on a bunch of social media now, including Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.  

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

-

Jorja/Sassandra: I have a question for the DM: Who is talking?

Tyrone/Keeper: Lu-Kass.

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay. I thought so, but I wasn’t sure.

Tyrone/Keeper: *deep, aloof voice* Lu-Kass talks like this.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: *film-noir accent* And Captain Yes talks like this.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah. I was like, I’m sure it’s him, but what if there’s a random person I’m forgetting. 

-

Jorja/Sassandra: He was eating porridge.

Rosie/Ezra: Was it just right?

Jorja/Sassandra: Always.

Olive/Hӧde: Was there a bit of honey in it?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Rosie/Ezra: Was it Uncle Toby’s brand?

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, the porridge? I was like, ‘They do honey?’

Steven/Doug: Uncle Toby’s.

Olive/Hӧde: Hey, Toby could do honey. 

Tyrone/Keeper: This is my Uncle Toby.

Jorja/Sassandra: This is my Uncle Toby. He produces honey. Don’t ask how. 

[laughter]

Tyrone/Keeper: Eww.

Olive/Hӧde: You had to be [bee] there.