Episode 1: Initiation

Six months ago the world changed, and now a monster that was once the stuff of fiction lurks in an abandoned department store. Join our new team as they receive their first mission from a mysterious organisation to hunt that monster down before anybody can get hurt.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and mild sexual humour.

Find us on Instagram

Follow us on TikTok

Like us on Facebook

Join our Patreon

Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber is Tyrone Cross      

Andres is Steven Edwards

Daryl is Olive Jerome

Pookie is Rosemary Ochtman

Indigo is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant.

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Neon Dreams: A Retro-Futuristic Synthwave Track - Bas 02 - Robhog

2020-03-18 Synthwave - Doctor Dreamchip - Doctor_Dreamchip

SYNTHWAVE MIAMI VICE STYLE - XHALE 303

Cat Toy - kklab5050

SYNTHWAVE2 - XHALE303

90's Rock Style - monkeyman535

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Jorja: Portal Quandary is made by Australians, so we’ve got some content warnings that you can find in the episode description

[funky guitar music leads into a short rock sequence]

Steven/Chaz: Hey, I’m Chaz.

Tyrone/Rango: Hey, I’m Rango. And we’re…

Steven/Chaz + Tyrone/Rango: Two birds on a wire.

Steven/Chaz: We’re bringing you all of the latest updates on The Shift. For those of you new to the podcast, the Shift is what we call that crazy transformation that happened across the world six months ago. 

Tyrone/Rango: Heaps of people are no longer human - for example, I used to be six-foot white guy from Gunnedah. Now I’m 10 centimetres shorter and covered in feathers.

Steven/Chaz: Six foot? That’s generous Rango - even before you became a birdman. 

Tyrone/Rango: You’re one to talk! Anyway - we have a huge update on that big tower that just appeared in Melbourne at the same time that all of this magical whack took place-

Steven/Chaz: Which many people theorise as the source of The Shift-

Tyrone/Rango: Right, right. More on that later in the show. As you know, the tower’s walls have been closed up since it appeared, and Melbourne police have kept a pretty steady perimeter around it. Two nights ago, a group of unidentified people tried scaling the wall.

Steven/Chaz: Not the first attempt to get over that wall around the mysterious tower, but definitely the most successful so far.

Tyrone/Rango: Not quite successful enough, Chaz. Police caught up to the crew right near the top of the wall and successfully detained two, with a third allegedly fleeing the scene. We haven’t got word yet on the identity of these mysterious individuals, but we’re keeping a close eye on the story.

Steven/Chaz: Would you say we’ve got a. . .bird’s eye view on it?

Tyrone/Rango: And that’s my cue. It’s time for an ad break folks - up next, we’ve got some tips and tricks on how to condition and brush your fur, from our guest stylist Maddie Jones - once a hairdresser, now a satyr, and also still a hairdresser. We’ll also be giving you another update on Chaz’s latest attempts to actually fly using just the power of his own wings and a horrifying lack of self-preservation instincts.

Steven/Chaz: Stay tuned! You’re listening to Two Birds on a Wire with Chaz…

Tyrone/Rango: And Rango.

[funky guitar music leads into a short rock sequence]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

[Radio static before a dark, slow synthwave song begins]

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “So, you want to join the organisation. Why should I? Why should I let you?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There are four figures standing in a little room in the basement of a convenience store. Down these little stairs are concrete floors and velvet red curtains. There’s the door you came in up the stairs. In front of you stands three figures in black cloaks and white masks. One in the middle - the man who talks like this - is wearing a dragon mask. You can get a burly frame, and you can sort of see some green pointy ears coming out from behind the mask of that one. Another one is an enormous, even burlier frame, standing much taller than him wearing a white owl mask. And to the other side stands a much shorter, more petite frame wearing the mask of a rat. These four figures, we look to the first one. They’re wearing a black cloak and a lion mask. I think we can see some pointed ears coming out from the sides of this mask, and the dragon mask looks to you and says:

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Why should I let you join? What have you got to give us?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, yeah mate. I was just sort of your whole set up here, so yeah. Just let me in. We’ll see what happens.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “If you prove yourself.”

Steven/Andres: “What do I have to do? I’ll do it.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “We’ve got something to take care of. We’ll get to that in a minute.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The next figure has the black cloak again and a horse mask this time. I don’t think there’s any features that give away anything about your appearance underneath.

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “And you, what do you bring to us? Why should I let you join?”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, me? Well, I have plenty of experience. I feel like with all my years under this belt, I could add a new perspective to what you’ve got going on here, and my granddaughter seems pretty chuffed with you all. You know, I thought I’d tag along for the ride. I’ve got a lot of spare time on my hands these days, and well I was just thrilled for an invitation. I didn’t realise this was an interview. I would have dressed up more.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “The eagerness is showing, but be sure not to give too much away to these strangers around you before you get to know them.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, well if we’re all going to be working together, we’ve got to make sure we get off on the right foot.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, I’m with horse face. I reckon we’ll be right.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Our next figure is a bit slimmer, a bit more petite than the other two I’d imagine, wearing the mask of an owl as well. I don’t think too much either is given away behind the mask.

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “What about you, huh? Why should you be in?”

Jorja/Indigo: “I don’t care if you let me in or not, but the way I see it is I could help you and then I can get what I want from it.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Resourcefulness is what I hear out of that.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Good.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Finally, there is a clump of black cloak on the floor, and this cat mask sitting on this tiny figure under the cloak.

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Sorry we couldn’t get you anything big enough, or small enough I should say. What skills have you got?”

Rosie/Pookie: “The question isn’t my skills. They speak for themselves. The question that I’m interested in is how can you help me?

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “We can help with that attitude a little bit.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m sure.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “We’ll whip you into shape. Alright, you four, you’ve been suggested by one of us. You should recognise who based on the mask. You’re going to leave here, and you’re going to take care of a job, and then if you succeed you’ll come back here and you’ll be in. So, there’s this little department store in the inner-city suburbs. It’s been abandoned for a while now, about the past six months. It’s been having a bit of a monster problem. That’s part of the stuff we do in this organisation, and I need you, you four, to go in as a team - We’re testing your teamwork here as well. We’ll see how well you take them out. It’s a little store called Bullseye. It’s in the Docklands. Questions?”

Olive/Daryl: “Just to be clear, I just want to make sure that we’re all well-informed and we don’t make any mistakes on our first day. When you say, ‘Take care of,’are you wanting these monsters completely dealt with, disappeared, or are you wanting to get a look at them and understand them better. What’s our purpose? Are we exterminators, or are we investigators?”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Your mission first and foremost should be death. You should kill it outright. If you can bring back any part of it, if it’s easy enough to transport, then sure. Our friend here in the owl mask - not you little one, the big one - he would love to take a look at it. But if you’re going to get caught, we don’t want the public seeing it so it would be outright dead.”

Olive/Daryl: “Copy that.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Any more questions?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Well, I just have to say, I don’t like getting my claws dirty, so if there is anything where there is blood spilling and everything, I might just take a little step back so I don’t dirty my paws.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “You’re going to have to learn to get those paws dirty if you’re going to work with us, alright?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Oh, it’s alright. I’ve got my little ways around it.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “We’ll be watching.”

Steven/Andres: “Na, yeah, I’ve got a question. How am I supposed to kill something with my bare hands?”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “You’ve got to show us what you’ve got. You’re, from what I understand, magically inclined?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, I mean, I’ve been dabbling, but I’m not very good. Can’t I get a knife or something?”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Not until you’ve joined. Until you’re good enough to join. We want to see how well you are first.”

Steven/Andres: “Righto, no worries. It sounds like we’re on our fucking own then.”

Tyrone/Dragon Mask: “Yeah, you didn’t get that from the beginning? We’re not giving you nothing. You’ve got to prove to us that you can work as you are without our help.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, righto. Fair dinkum.”

Olive/Daryl: “All about resourcefulness. I like this. Good test. Good, good test. Alright, well shall we get on then? I’ve got the car around front. We’ll scoot on over, check it out, see what we’re up against.”

Steven/Andres: “Na, yeah, you seem like a guy with a plan. Righto horse face, let’s go.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, you guys are done in here?

Olive/Daryl + Jorja/Indigo + Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The three figures will walk behind in curtain through a part in the curtain on the other side. You’re alone in this concrete floored, red-velveted room.

Rosie/Pookie: I’m going to quickly run over and look behind the curtain. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to walk in and you’re going to be immediately met with this towering figure in the owl mask looking at their feet.

Tyrone/Owl Mask: “Get along now, would you?”

Rosie/Pookie: “*screech*“ I scurry away.

Steven/Andres: I’m immediately going to take this mask and cloak off. Wait, am I naked under the cloak?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Steven/Andres: Oh good. I’m going to take the cloak off. I mean, it wouldn’t change anything, but yeah, I’m going to take the mask and cloak off immediately and take a deep breath.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are we looking at?

Steven/Andres: Oh, a handsome devil. Yeah, he’s a half-elf man with medium length dark hair. A good looking man.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A good looking man. What’s he wearing?

Steven/Andres: He’s wearing raggety jeans and a T-shirt and his favourite puffy vest that he definitely got from Kathmandu.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, is anyone else taking off their cloaks and masks?

Rosie/Pookie: Pookie would have when I jumped out because I’m too small to have a cloak.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Too small. What are we looking at under this?

Rosie/Pookie: Just a little cat. Pookie is just a little British Shorthair black cat with green eyes with a little black collar that has a little glowing spot on the centre of it. I’m just a cat.

Jorja/Indigo: So, you’re just a regular, household cat?

Rosie/Pookie: Yep.

Jorja/Indigo: You’re not big or anything?

Rosie/Pookie: Nope. Just a regular household cat.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay. That’s perfect for me.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh no. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before anyone asks, we are slightly homebrewing Rosie’s new character, Pookie.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh yes, my name is Pookie.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We are doing a tabaxi build with the only change being that she is a tiny creature instead of a small creature.

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, you’re… I’ve never seen a cat talk.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Well, get used to it.”

Olive/Daryl: “I’m sure I will.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I just don’t shut up.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh. Ah, well I’ll get used to it just as quick.”

Steven/Andres: “Bloody oath. That’s just a cat. I mean, I know we’ve seen a lot of changes since everyone went all magic and shit, but that’s just straight up a cat.”

Rosie/Pookie: “And I do have to say that I do love scratches behind the ear, so if you’re so inclined I shan’t say no.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, no, I’m allergic.”

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to not say anything, and bend down and put my hand out.

Rosie/Pookie: I go up and do a little sniff, and then I run up the arm and onto the shoulder.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay.

Rosie/Pookie: Yay.

Olive/Daryl: “Looks like we’ve already got a dynamic duo here. Now I know we’re not supposed to sharing names and all, btu I like the cut of all of your jibs, so I feel like we’re all going to get on quite well,” and I’ll remove the horse mask and the cloak, and underneath you’ll see just a regular human. Older gentleman, early sixties. He’s got some greying hair atop of his head and its receding, but he’s doing his best to make it look like he’s still got a full head of hair.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sixty-eight.

Olive/Daryl: Late sixties. He’s a bit of an older fella. And he’s just got this constant, relaxed grin on his face. He’s just a happy guy, and he’s wearing a pair of darker jeans. They look like they’ve had a fair bit of wear and tear over the years, and he’s wearing a very interestingly designed sweater vest as well. It’s got some interesting colours and ebbs and flows, and there’s some parts of it where the patterns do change from a cotton material into a bit of a leather and it criss-crosses and things, and it’s this weird mix and match kind of thing. “Hello, I am Daryl. Daryl Copper. Pleasure to meet you.”

Steven/Andres: “Struth, the magic hasn’t been kind to you, has it?”

Olive/Daryl: “Ah, well I like to say that the only magic that’s occurred in my life is the day that my mother gave birth to me.”

Steven/Andres: “Bloody oath.”

Olive/Daryl: “Nothing too strange about me here. Just a regular joe, but I’m more than happy to be here to help and put myself to work again.”

Rosie/Pookie: “How interesting.”

Steven/Andres: “Nice to meet you Daryl. I’m Andres.”

Olive/Daryl: “Nice to meet you Andres.” I’ll take your hand and I’ll give it a shirm- Firm handshake. “What was it that brought you around this neck of the woods?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh yeah, I saw one of those flyers on the community noticeboard at uni.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh yeah, I did some of those flyers going around. Yeah, yeah. No, my granddaughter actually knows one of the girls that works in the convenience store, so it was pretty happenstance. Managed to cross paths, and I’ve not been doing too much else with myself these days, so I figured why not the extra hobby?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The last cloaked figure, are you going to reveal?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, while they’re talking to try and be subtle about it and not make a big deal, she’s just going to take her mask off, and then take the hood off, but put it around the cat so that the cat’s covered.

Rosie/Pookie: I like.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ll nestle in the hood?

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, I’ll do a little curl up and start purring. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And what do we see with just the mask off?

Jorja/Indigo: Her hair spills forward a little bit, but not all of it because you can tell that it’s very long. It’s very long and straight. She’s kind of pale. She just looks like a human. Very young. She looks late teen, early young adult - whatever that is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that awkward era.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah. Just brown hair, pale skin, blue eyes. Just a young girl.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just a young girl keeping the cloak on. 

Jorja/Indigo: Just a young girl. Yes, well the cat’s on it, so…

Rosie/Pookie: If I fits, I sits.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, you’re just here in this room under this convenience store. What’s going on?

Steven/Andres: “And what was your name, love? Andres.” I’ll extend a hand.

Jorja/Indigo: “Indigo.” I shake it slowly.

Steven/Andres: “Got a firm grip there, Indigo.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thank you?”

Steven/Andres: “So Daryl, you said you’ve got a car.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve got a car out front. You know, more of a- Kind of similar to a van. It’s a soccer mum car. You know, I’ve got plenty of people to go around picking up and dropping off and all that sort of thing, but yeah, I’d be more than happy for us to utilise it to get this job done as soon as possible. Also, pleasure to meet you Indigo as well. I didn’t want to gloss over that. Are you a handshaker or just a nod?”

Jorja/Indigo: “A nod will do.”

Olive/Daryl: “Nod it is.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thank you.”

Olive/Daryl: “And I believe I caught your name. Poo- Who?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Excuse me, it’s definitely not Poo. I prefer Pookie. Pookie.”

Olive/Daryl: “Pookie. Pookie. No, it’s a pleasure to make your meet all of you and make your acquaintances.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I am a little bit offended. I’ve noticed that you’ve offered everyone a handshake except for myself.”

Olive/Daryl: “Would you like a handshake?”

Rosie/Pookie: “I certainly would.”

Olive/Daryl: I’ll stick out my hand for the cat paw.

Jorja/Indigo: I’ll turn my body so that the cat’s closer.

Rosie/Pookie: My little paw extends.

Olive/Daryl: I’ll take it gently and up and down. “My, that was very courteous.” 

Rosie/Pookie: “Thank you, sir.”

Olive/Daryl: “Alright then, shall we get going?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, up we go. Up the stairs that we came down from before. It’s a couple of flights. I’d say that you’d be on a second basement level here. You come back into the convenience store that we entered from.

[upbeat synthwave music starts]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve entered from a false door of a fridge. The fridge appears to be selling milk, but the whole thing opens up into the basement. What you’ve entered into, it’s not a Seven Eleven. It’s not a very popular or well-stocked convenience store. It’s one of those ones where every time you come it seems like they’re constantly running out of things. You’re like, ‘Are these guys… Have they been robbed? Can they not afford enough stock?’

Rosie/Pookie: Is it one of those ones where you question whether or not it’s a drug front, and it always just has this weird smell and dust on the floor? Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s kind of that.

Jorja/Indigo: They’re either really good at business or really bad at business. Yeah.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And up the front at the counter is this teenage half-orc girl. She’s just working on her homework actually. She’s got a novel in one hand and writing some notes in a notebook in the other hand. She looks up at you, gives you a little leer, then looks back down. Doesn’t say a word to you. Indigo, you’re a little bit familiar with this girly. You’ve seen her around when you went to school, but I don’t know what your relationship is like now.

Jorja/Indigo: Probably weird and awkward like most teenagers.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We head outside?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. Where we are is Melbourne. Ta-da.

Steven/Andres: What?

Olive/Daryl: Woah!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Surprise.

Jorja/Indigo: Nani?

Rosie/Pookie: What street are we on?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We are on a little alley-way between a Little Bourke or a Little Collins or something like that. It’s pretty quiet. You’ve got the convenience store here. It doesn’t sell well. Then there's a vacant For Sale on the one building to the left, and to the other side is a kebab shop.

Steven/Andres: “Bloody oath.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Otherwise, most of these shops are the back ends of restaurants or shops, so it’s mostly dumpsters or the occasional parked car, but it’s very skinny with all of these tall buildings surrounding you, and I assume the car is parked around here. 

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, I just parked right out front of the convenience store. Maybe one or two parks down to create some separation, so that no-one becomes suspicious.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What sort of car have you got?

Olive/Daryl: I’m driving a 2002 Tarago. 

Steven/Andres: “That is the kind of car that my parents drove.”

Olive/Daryl: “Me too.”

Steven/Andres: “I love that.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Has it got sliding doors?

Olive/Daryl: Yes. “Yeah, it’s got the sliding doors.”

Jorja/Indigo: Subtle.

Steven/Andres: “The seats go down so everyone can pile in the back.”

Olive/Daryl: “That’s exactly it. We call it the soccer van. You know, my grandkids, they used to go to soccer, but not so much now, but the name stuck so that’s just what we call it now. Good old pop-pop’s soccer van.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, all piling in?

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, everyone in. Now, whoever does want to sit in the front seat, we do have a shotgun rule. If you call it, it is yours.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Not it.”

Olive/Daryl: “Alright.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, alright, I’ll call shotgun.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, come on mate. Get in the front there.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl driving, Andres in the front, and Indigo and Pookie in the back.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, I might wander around a bit and see what happens.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Inside the car?

Rosie/Pookie: I’m a cat?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you don’t have a seat belt that’s going to be good for you. We’ll have to get you a carrier.

Rosie/Pookie: No! Absolutely not! I’m a free cat.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright.

[car engine starts]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Start it up. Have you got any music playing? Got the radio on? You got a CD in?

Olive/Daryl: When we get into the car, everyone hops in, “Now, this car is over ten years old. Keep that in mind. It’s not in the best shape, but I keep it as clean as I possibly can as often as I can. You can tell that there are quite a few scuffs and marks around, but as we hop into the front, Andres, you will that there is an auxiliary that you can plug your mobile device into, and you can feel free to put whatever music you would like on as we drive down to the Docklands.”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to play Nickelback.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh god.

Jorja/Indigo: *groans*

Olive/Daryl: Woo, yes!

Steven/Andres: Because you either love it or you hate it, and Andres will die on that fence. 

Olive/Daryl: One hundred percent.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What song?

Steven/Andres: What song? Animals.

[melodic synthwave music begins playing]

Jorja/Indigo: As soon as that starts, Indigo is going to subtly - so the two in the front mainly can’t see - cast Mage Hand, and block one ear, and then block the other ear with a hand, and continue to scratch the cat, Pookie, with the other hand.

Rosie/Pookie: Yay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If you’re trying to do it stealthily, let’s roll a Sleight of Hand opposed by a couple of Perceptions.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are the Perceptions?

Steven/Andres: Well, I got a twenty-five. 

Olive/Daryl: Twenty-three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jorja?

Jorja/Indigo: I rolled a natural twenty. Suck it!

Olive/Daryl: For a total or what?

Jorja/Indigo: The total is twenty-four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah yep, so no-one notices. They haven’t. They’re bonding in the front over Nickelback, I guess, while you’re not listening to Nickelback.  

Olive/Daryl: Just getting really worked up. “Which album is your favourite!?”

Steven/Andres: “About Nickelback?”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah.”

Steven/Andres: “Jesus Christ. Surely they would be way before Daryl’s times.” 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can like modern music.

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, I love Nickelback. What are you talking about, mate? It was my bread and butter when I was on the force.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I do not feel safe.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie.

Rosie/Pookie: Can I do a quick sniff around to see if there’s any snacks that have fallen into the cracks of the seat that I’m sitting on?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an Investigation.

Rosie/Pookie: Minus one.

Steven/Andres: Oh god.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: I got a crit. I got a one, which makes it a zero. This is a great first roll. So, yep. Great.

Olive/Daryl: “Like I said, I keep the backseats very clean.”

Rosie/Pookie: “It’s pristine.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie is getting hungry.

Rosie/Pookie: Soon, I accidentally bite someone. Not you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, I thought we might use this car ride to talk a little bit more about our characters. It’s got a little montage while we’re driving like, ‘Andres, race, class.’

Olive/Daryl: All the while, I’m pulling out snacks from the front that I’ve got a little compartment. There’s a bag of chips, and there’s also a full bag of jellybeans as well, and I’ll offer them to the back and Andres as we’re going through.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You going to eat jellybeans?

Rosie/Pookie: Chip.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Honey soy chicken?

Olive/Daryl: Obviously.

Steven/Andres: “You diabetic there, Daryl?”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, you know, those doctors, they keep telling me that there’s things going on with me, but I feel fine.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, just knock back a couple of jellybeans. You’ll be right.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, exactly. You know, keep on going. Keep on going. Keep on keeping.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl, who are you Daryl? Who’s playing Daryl? Like, who’s talking right now? 

Olive/Daryl: Hi, I’m Olive. I am playing Daryl, the Human Fighter. He is a retired police officer who was a detective for a number of years, and then returned back to classic beat cop to be involved in his community more, and then retired in 2015, so he’s been retired for eight years now. Taking care of his family. His wife and his children and his grandkids and just being a doting grandfather. They’ve got an interesting family dynamic, and he’s always happy to help out, and he keeps up with a lot of extra-curricular activities. Still heavily involved in the community. Still likes to go to church at least once a month to pay his respects, and he is also a heavy gardener. Loves his gardening. Loves his flowers and his veggie patch. But not, he’s just a simple, joyful guy. He just loves to be around people and to help out when he can. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Looking at a front view of the car as it’s driving, you take a left turn and now we’re looking at Andres in the passenger seat. Andres, you are a half-elf. That’s all we know about you so far, and that you have some sort of magical capabilities.

Steven/Andres: Yeah, hi. I’m Steven. I’m playing Andres.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you like to divulge any more to the listeners?

Steven/Andres: Sure, I have calculated myself to be twenty-three years of age because I had not written that down before.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lovely.

Steven/Andres: Yeah, he’s about twenty-three. So, I recently finished studying a Bachelor of History, majoring in never getting a job. No, majoring in British History. Like the Middle Ages, Tudor period, that sort of stuff, and realised after finishing that that there’s no work in that, so I’ve decided to take a gap year, and I decided to return to university doing a Bachelor of Education, so I’ll turn that history degree into a history teaching job.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Primary or Secondary? I assume Secondary if you’re going to combine those two.

Steven/Andres: Yeah, Secondary.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beautiful. Would you like to talk about your race or your class at all?

Steven/Andres: Sure, I am a half-elf, and my class is warlock. Gasp.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m sure we’ll come to learn more about your patron as it continues.

Steven/Andres: As will I.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, moving into the backseat, we’ve got Indigo still wearing a cloak and patting a cat.

Jorja/Indigo: I probably took the cloak off to make a little nest for the cat.

Rosie/Pookie: I love this. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love.

Jorja/Indigo: She doesn’t like humans. She likes cats. I’m Jorja.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi Jorja.

Jorja/Indigo: Hello. I play Indigo. Indigo is eighteen years old. Yes, she dropped out in Year Eleven to take music classes. She has a part-time job at McDonalds, so a lot of the time when she’s out she just tells her parents that she’s working. She is talented in music. She is a Bard. Yep, and she looks Human. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Interesting.

Steven/Andres: She’s a rebel.

Jorja/Indigo: She wears black cargo pants with lots of pockets, big boots, a bit oversized, metal, graphic tee, so the cloak really worked for her. She loved it. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘I’m going to keep this.’

Jorja/Indigo: She’s like, ‘That’s going in the closet.’ She’s got a pair of drumsticks in one pocket, and then in another pocket it looks very full. You can’t really tell what it is, but it just looks like a lot of rods or something. Don’t know. It’s a pan flute. The reason she’s here is because her sister has recently gone missing, and so she;s trying to fugure out why. Her sister turned into a fairy, and her mum is a fairy, but her dad is still human, and her sister is just gone all of a sudden. She’s looking for answers and she got told, ‘Come with me. See about this organisation.’ 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We can talk more later about who recommended you.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, I do remember who that is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s good.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving on to the last character in the backseat - the cat - Pookie.

Rosie/Pookie: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi Pookie.

Rosie/Pookie: Hi! I’m not really Pookie. Haha, psyche! I’m Rosie, and I play Pookie. So, Pookie is just an ordinary, every day cat that was living as an ordinary, every day cat until all of this magic came through, and now - through the collar that got all magickified - can now speak and do magic things, but yeah. Pookie was living in Northcote with their family, and then they moved to Port Melbourne, and in the move - as a lot of cats do - Pookie got really, really scared and ran away, and has been living on the street. She’s not really sure how long. I think seven months or so. Cat time’s weird. Oh, he’s also four in cat years, which - according to Google - is thirty-three in human years.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, okay.

Rosie/Pookie: Yep, but for a cat, that’s still a little baby, but yeah, Pookie’s joined this organisation to find their family again because that's their whole goal. It’s to find their family so they can be happy again because they’ve just been living on the streets, and they don’t likethat  because when they kill rats they have to get rid of the guts and eat around the guys, which they’re really not a fan of, so yeah. That’s Pookie. Oh, and I’m also a Sorcerer, Wild Mage Sorcerer.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ll deal with the Wild mage stuff later. We’re zooming back into the car. Nickelback’s playing. Is this a whole album of Nickelback, the whole journey?

Steven/Andres: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, are we singing karaoke? Are we chatting? What’s the vibe?

Olive/Daryl: I’d say that as Animals is coming to a close and dropping out. I can’t remember the ending of that song, but I feel like it’s a fire. As it’s finishing up and moving onto the next song, Daryl will reach over and turn the volume down a little bit, and as we’re driving along will just, “So, we’re all here going to work for the same company. I guess you could call them a company or an organisation. What’s brought everyone working for them here? Any particular motivations or goals that you have for working for these lovely fine peoples?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, I'm just bored. I go to uni quite a lot. I do a bit of part-time work on the side. This is to fill out the hours on the side. I saw a flyer at uni and thought, ‘Let’s go.’”

Olive/Daryl: “Hey, and look, you never know. I could be something that could look really good on your application for jobs in the future too, so it’s very smart, very forward thinking. Filling your time with useful things to do.”

Steven/Andres: “Thanks dad.”

[laughter]

Olive/Daryl: There’s going to be so much of that, and I’m not ready. “How about you guys in the backseat? You don’t have to share if you don’t want to. It’s just curious conversation.”

Jorja/Indigo: “This just gets me out of trouble, so I took it.”

Olive/Daryl: “Fair enough, well I can’t speak for everyone, but I’ll do my very best to make sure that there’s no trouble that finds you as we’re going along.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I do have an agenda. I would like to find my family who I unfortunately  lost. They are humans, and I wanted to see if any of you have them before. I unfortunately don’t know their actual human names, as when I was with them I couldn’t speak, but if you know a: Babe, who smells like a warm summer day; Dickhead, who smells like dirt and smiles; or an Em that smells like sparkles, please do let me know.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, first off I’m really sorry that you lost your family. That couldn’t have been easy. I mean, especially before you couldn’t talk. You wouldn’t know how to work through those emotions and those feelings.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Well, I didn’t quite have emotion then, but it was quite disturbing eating on the street and eating rats.”

Olive/Daryl: “No good. Well, we’ll do our very best to see what we can do to help.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I just need to smell them and then I’ll know.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, that’s easy.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, just two steps back, Pookie. You’ve been a cat. You’re just a cat?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes.”

Steven/Andres: So, before the world was magic you were just a cat?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes.”

Steven/Andres: “Shit.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yeah, just a cat. I ate my Kibble. I curled up and got scritches. I purred. That was my life.”

Steven/Andres: “Daryl, you don’t mind if I drink in your van, do you?”

Olive/Daryl: What time is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is quite late. I want to say about eleven PM-ish. It is a Friday night, so the roads aren’t too busy, but the streets are quite busy.

Steven/Andres: I’m pulling out a local brewery pale ale thing.

Olive/Daryl: Oh, I look over at you and give you a bit of a look. “What are you drinking?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, they make this up in Brunswick. It’s pretty good.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh lovely. You know, I haven’t been up Brunswick way in a minute. How is it these days?”

Steven/Andres: “I don’t know. I just go for the beer.”

Olive/Daryl: “No, fair.”

Steven/Andres: “I’m actually in Ressy.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, nice. Good spot. Good spot, but you know, go for it. Just keep it below the dash.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Daryl, why are you here?”

Olive/Daryl: “Myself? That’s a fantastic question. Well look, I’ve been occupied and busy since my retirement. I put up the hat and clipped off the belt, and I just decided I didn’t necessarily have to work anymore. My wife, she essentially supports us both with her income, and I’d be working for several years. Raising my daughter as a single parent for quite some time, and had a bit of a struggle in life, but no. Now I’m looking for something to fill my time. I miss that thrill, that adventure, but I didn’t want to do anything for the sake of looking for a quick buck to earn. I wanted to do something that meant something to people, so I’m here. This magic has affected everyone differently. I wasn’t personally affected by it. My family, like yourself Indigo, half of them - most of them actually - are fairies, and my daughter is a centaur. Don’t know where she got that from to be completely honest with you. Me and my wife, we both are just normal, the same.”

Steven/Andres: “Cheers to you Daryl. Bloody inspirational.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh Andres, you cheeky thing. Thank you.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, we’re approaching Docklands. For those not familiar with Melbourne listening, Docklands is in the south. It’s sort of CBD, sort of a weird mix between trying to get business and people to come visit, but it ends up being a residential district that’s a bit expensive to live in in the city. So, this place that we’re going to - this Bullseye - is a department store that went out of business after The Change. Six months everyone was human and lived our normal Melburnian lives, and about six months ago for whatever reason everyone has changed into fantasy creatures such as half-elves, or ‘humans’, or sentient cats.

Rosie/Pookie: Just normal things.

Jorja/Indigo: I am ‘human.’

Steven/Andres: I am a normal ‘human’ like the rest of us humans.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And magic has come to the world. It went out of business. This Bullseye is a department store like a Big W or a K-Mart sort of thing. Very affordable miscellaneous stuff: clothing; toys; electronics; everything. The building is like most Bunnings that you’d run into. It’s a stand alone building with high ceilings and the car park out the front and a loading dock off to the side. The car park is, of course, empty, and there is an attempt to put some construction fencing around the side, but it’s like they gave up halfway through. It’s around one corner, but you can still easily drive in. Why would they bother?

Olive/Daryl: “Shoddy construction work, to be honest with you. I mean, if you’re going to do a job, at least finish the job. Unless, of course, the fences were likely probably nicked from people, but you never know truly.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Can you do better?”

Olive/Daryl: “Myself? No, I’m not a builder. Not by any means.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Intriguing.”

Olive/Daryl: “No, I’m just saying that if people have a job to do, they should just do their job.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I quite agree.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This part of the city is a little bit further away from everyone. Everyone’s more in the CBD centre and going out partying. This area, there’s some residential areas around, but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of people walking around here. Are you guys going to park?

Steven/Andres: I’ll say, “Oh, Daryl mate, where are you going to park, mate? There’s nowhere to park.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, you’re such a cheeky boy.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The child lock’s on.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, I’m trying to open the door.

Olive/Daryl: The child lock is one hundred percent on. 

Jorja/Indigo: Fuck.

Olive/Daryl: “I wonder where we are going to park? You know, it’s so difficult these days. Everyone’s out and about.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, Daryl mate, you ruined the joke.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where are you parking though? Are you parkling up near the front?

Jorja/Indigo: No, two stops away to make it less obvious.

Olive/Daryl: She’s right on the money.

Steven/Andres: “We can’t let people know we’re going there.”

Olive/Daryl: “No, we don’t want to be seen out the front of this store.”

Steven/Andres: “It could be us and any of these other cars.”

Rosie/Pookie: Are we out of the car yet, by any chance?

Jorja/Indigo: I’m trying.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Have you turned the car off?

Olive/Daryl: I will switch the car off, get out, and open up the sliding door to let them out.

[car sliding door]

-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I hope you’re enjoying the season premiere of Portal Quandary: Atrius. I’m absolutely in love with these new characters, so I hope you are too. In this season, we’re naming NPC’s after listeners, so if you want to have a character named after you, just head over to our Instagram and check out that pinned post. All you need to do is share it to your story, but be sure to tag us so that we see it and you actually get a character named after you. Let’s quickly head over to the ad where we support other creators in the TTRPG space.

5 GMs in a Trenchcoat Ad Read: Five GMs in a Trenchcoat is back, and this time with season three as GM Tannlyn uses Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition for her story. Imagine the stench of fear, of sweat and of blood. Cold stone beneath your palm as you feel your way down and impossibly dark and endless hallway. Here, there’s as much fear as there is isolation, and as much hopelessness as there is violence or at least fantasies of it. Join Kalan Amores-Caldwell played by Adam Gonzales, Rin Sado played by Kim Tsuyuki, Two and Half Horns played by Jesse Espinoza, and Ander Madison played by Tanner Sherlock as they navigate the kingdom of Miltont and the horrors that await them. So, you guys hear an alarm bell. Like, *high pitched screech*. Fucking, all the doors go shadoonk, and you also hear *hissing* coming from the ceiling. Five GMs in a Trenchcoat is a TTRPG actual-play podcast where five friends take turns running the tabletop game of their choice each season. With new episodes out every Monday wherever you get your podcasts. We are in Silent Hill! It was just a joke before!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before we get back to the episode, I just wanted to quickly talk about our Patreon. We’ve got tiers for every level of support. The entry level provides access to character and monster sheets. It provides access this season to maps, so you can see a map of Bullseye in a minute, and ad-free episodes. Free from me talking about Patreon like right now. The middle tier provides access to all of that plus access to bonus episodes like our The Quiet Year mini-series, telling the history of Prophis, which is the world of season two. And that highest tier provides access to early access episodes, which usually come out between two and three weeks before official release. Anyway, I’ll let you get back to the episode. Episode two will be coming out Friday, January twenty-fourth. 

-

[mysterious music plays]

Rosie/Pookie: I’m going to get out and quickly run my claws down the paint to put a scratch into it. “I’m sorry darling, but I have to do this so it looks like it fits into the area. Now people won’t target us because they’re going to think that this car was already here. It’s got a scratch on it now. You’re welcome.”

Olive/Daryl: “You know what? It’s due for a new paint job anyway. It has been a number of years since I got it fixed up, so that’s totally fine.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Oh, I’m so glad.”

Olive/Daryl: “I like the forward thinking. I like it.”

Steven/Andres: Andres is definitely going to take a mental note of that interaction. ‘Jesus, Pookie’s just pushed and Daryl’s like, ‘Yeah, no worries. She’ll be apples.’’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bullseye, it’s this big, blue, concrete building with this red logo that says, ‘Bullseye’ and it’s got this arrow going into the target. There’s big sliding doors at the front, big, glass, sliding doors.

Jorja/Indigo: Are they the automatic ones?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m just going to walk very close to them.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: *groans to mimic automatic sliding doors* They open up. Inside, you can hear a little jingle going on. 

Tyrone/Bullseye Jingle: *echoing and distorted* “Bullseye, Bullseye, where all your dreams come true.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I very much do not want to go in here.”

Olive/Daryl: “A little ominous that the music is still on. I though that this buildings was shut down years ago, or months ago rather.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Are we just going to walk in there, or can we maybe be subtle?”

Olive/Daryl: “I mean…”

Rosie/Pookie: “I’m quite small.”

Olive/Daryl: Can I take a look from outside, are there any lights on, or is it just the music that’s playing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just the music that’s playing. 

Olive/Daryl: Okay, well there’s not much to see then. It’s too dark.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’d say the outside lights are on, but not the inside. Lighting up the car park with a few that are out.

Olive/Daryl: Okay.

Rosie/Pookie: I also have Darkvision. Can I see anything cool?

Jorja/Indigo: Me too.

Steven/Andres: I also have Darkvision. 

Olive/Daryl: Guess who’s the only one left out? It’s me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl’s about to have a lot of fun.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh, but I bet that Daryl would have a torch in the boot of his car.

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, you know my wife, she did try to show me how to use it on the-” and I’ll put out my very old, like a ten year old iPhone that I’ve not upgraded since I bought one of the original ones. “I tried to use the flashlight. She told me there’s a flashlight on here. I couldn’t-”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, pass it over here Daryl, I’ll help you. Yeah, click that one.”

Olive/Daryl: “Couldn’t quite figure it out.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, click that one. No, no, that one. Nope, Daryl, that one.”

Olive/Daryl: “ *struggling* Oh.” I’m not sure if the original iPhone’s had the flashlight.

Rosie/Pookie: I was wondering.

Olive/Daryl: I don’t think they did.

Jorja/Indigo: Fact check.

Olive/Daryl: No, because there were apps that you could get that had the flashlight, but you couldn’t use the thing.

Steven/Andres: Because it had flash on the camera though, didn’t it?

Olive/Daryl: Yes. I don’t think that they’d isolated that. I’m not one hundred percent sure.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘With no LED flash on the original iPhone, there was no original flashlight. When the app store launched, some flashlight released that displayed a white screen at maximum brightness.’

Steven/Andres: That’s right, the white screen. 

Rosie/Pookie: Oh.

Steven/Andres: Remember those days.

Olive/Daryl: “So, my wife has tried to show me on this, but we both just can't figure it out. We don’t know where the flashlight is. Where is the flashlight? Everyone else has got a light.”

Steven/Andres: “No mate, you’ve got an old one. There’s no flashlight. You’ve just got to turn the brightness up.”

Olive/Daryl: “No, but it’s the same phone as everyone else. Why hasn’t it got the flashlight?”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to show him the back of my phone.

Jorja/Indigo: While this is happening, Indigo and Pookie are sneaking into the store.

Steven/Andres: I love that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Everyone, we have bigger and better maps in season three. I’m going to try and describe this as best I can for the listeners at home. We have a map in front of us, just for the people to look at, but we’ll make this as theatre of the mind as possible. Welcome to Bullseye. You come in here at the bottom and to your left is the old checkouts there. It’s only self-serve there.  No normal checkouts.

Jorja/Indigo: Easy to steal from. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: To the right here is the cosmetics and accessories section, so it’s got your make-up. It’s got your handbags. It’s got your hairbands, all the necessities. That’s what you can see from the entrance with your Darkvision as you go in as these guys are figuring out how the flashlight works.

Steven/Andres: “Daryl mate, are you having some problems with your eyes there? Can you not see in there?”

Olive/Daryl: “No mate, it’s dark. There’s no light. I’ve just got my regular human eyes as I’m told.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, wow. That’s shit.”

Olive/Daryl: “It’s not great, but I’ve got my handy-dandy - thanks for showing me,” and I’ll turn the brightness all the way up on my phone, “ I’ve got my light.”

Steven/Andres: “Yep, I hope that helps.” Can we see the other two?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. Are you going just inside?

Jorja/Indigo: No, we were going to sneak in.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Steven/Andres: They were sneaking in while we were working out flashlights, so I’m assuming that we’re just in a car park now by ourselves.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, just two dudes in a car park.

Steven/Andres: I’ve been there. What?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nasty bitch.

Rosie/Pookie:In a car park?! Steven!

Jorja/Indigo: Can I ask a quick question? When we were driving here, did we see the back of the building?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it was sort of covered by those construction fences I was talking about, but there is a loading dock around to the back.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay, so that is an exit. It’s not another store behind it or whatever.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, there is more building behind this. Those are doors that I can click on, but yes, it is the one building. It’s like a Bunnings.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay, thank you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, roll Stealth Pookie and Indigo. Roll Perception please, Daryl and Andres.

Steven/Andres: Do we need to roll with disadvantage because we’re fixated on torches?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I want to say… How does- Bitches without Darkvision, do you have disadvantage? Is that how that works?

Olive/Daryl: Yes. Yeah, but I am using light.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: True, just roll regular.

Jorja/Indigo: I am going to use a Bardic Inspiration on Pookie.

Rosie/Pookie:Because Pookie rolled shit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How are we inspiring Pookie is the question?

Jorja/Indigo: Before we go in, we’ll get to the doors, and I’m just going to get down really low and be like, “Just between us, I don’t really know about them, but I like you. You’re fun.”

Rosie/Pookie:“Oh yay, I’ve always wanted to hear that I’m fun.” I let a little purr out. You know the little chirps that cats do when they see a bird or they get really happy?

Jorja/Indigo: So, you can add a d6.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie:So, that’s a total of ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And yours?

Jorja/Indigo: That would be twenty-two.

Olive/Daryl: I got a sixteen Perception.

Steven/Andres: I got a thirteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, the boys in the front can see Pookie the cat trudging along.

Jorja/Indigo: You have a bell on.

Rosie/Pookie:No, there’s no bell, but I think I’ve actually got my claws out, so it’s click-clacking all over the floor.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think there’s a lino situation. 

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, Daryl mate, I think Pookie’s gone inside. I can’t see Indigo though.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh yeah, there she is. Follow the cat.”

Rosie/Pookie: You can also see my glowing green eyes in the darkness because I’m a cat.

Olive/Daryl: Oh yeah, true.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course.

Jorja/Indigo: The flashlight.

Steven/Andres: Everything’s working against you. So many senses on the go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So yes, you guys can see what the others saw with the checkouts and the cosmetics section. There’s not a lot of stock on the shelves because it is shut down. They took most of it away, but there are just a few pieces, like there’s an eyeliner on the ground, or there's one handbag still on the shelf.  Further on ahead, you’ve got that middle aisle that’s seasonal stuff, so it’s got your Christmas trees or your Halloween decorations, so I think this time of year we’re coming into winter. From what you can see here, just up ahead to the top-right from where you are, you can see the women’s clothes section, and to the top-left you see the gift sections, like the wrapping paper or the school stationery supplies. That sort of area. Where are we heading? 

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going all the way to the right.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh shit. That’s a wall. That’s a shelf I should say.

Jorja/Indigo: And then I’m going to go up there. Is this make-up?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, this is make-up. Oh, you’re probably up the handbags right now. You’ve gone up a handbag aisle.

Jorja/Indigo: Oh, is there a make-up aisle?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Probably a couple back. Yeah, that’s got make-up.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to grab eyeliner on the way.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course. Pencil or liquid?

Jorja/Indigo: Both.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course. One of each.

Jorja/Indigo: And then I’ll just keep going.

Steven/Andres: Do we roll Perception against that?

Olive/Daryl: I mean, the initial Deception- What were you rolling? Stealth or…?

Jorja/Indigo: I rolled a Stealth of twenty-two.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, I rolled a fifteen, so I assume that we’ll just use the same. We don’t see shit.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m also up an aisle now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love. What about you guys?

Rosie/Pookie: Is there anything on the floor? Just underneath the counters?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m sorry, this is not discount Easter. This closed six months ago. This is Christmas tree.

Rosie/Pookie: So, there’s baubles probably on the floor?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, there’s probably a couple.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, nice. I’m running up and batting them around with  my paws.

[cat toy jingling]

Jorja/Indigo: So, discount was on the other side of the store?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Up the middle. Those ones up ahead of you.

Jorja/Indigo: Oh okay. Yep, great.

Rosie/Pookie: I’ve probably darted right up there.

Olive/Daryl: That’s probably how we spotted you. You just immediately saw all the- Overstimulated you, and you’re like, ‘WOW!’

Jorja/Indigo: Pookie’s in a tree.

Rosie/Pookie: You turn around and Pookie’s like, ‘ *attacking noise* .’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The lads, what are you guys up to?

Steven/Andres: *echoing* “Hello! Is anyone here?”

Olive/Daryl: “You know, I’m not too sure if announcing ourselves… Well, I guess it is the fastest way.” *echoing* “Hello! Hello! Anyone home?”

Tyrone/Bullseye Jingle: *echoing and distorted* “Bullseye, Bullseye, where all your dreams come true.”

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to look above me and walk to the end of my aisle, and just wait if I can hear anything going past.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, all you can hear is the cat to your left playing with baubles in the middle of the room.

Jorja/Indigo: Then I will quickly jump into the next section.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lovely, you’re currently in the cardigans of the ladies.

Jorja/Indigo: Oh, is there anything cute?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s a floral cardigan.

Jorja/Indigo: Is it bright floral?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I’m going to say green and pink.

Jorja/Indigo: Is there a brown cardigan? Brown/black?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, but it’s too small. It’s an extra small. 

Jorja/Indigo: I’ve got to go to the men’s section. Fuck.

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, an idea Andres. Ondres? Andres?”

Steven/Andres: “Whatever you want mate.”

Olive/Daryl: “Beautiful. The last convenience store we were in had an underground cellar thing. I wonder if there were a monster wanting to lay low, maybe using a similar kind of hidey-hole, so maybe we’ve got to take a look to see if there’s any secret contraptions to find our way downstairs.”

Steven/Andres: “You know mate, I like the way you think. I’m going to head to the left here and see what I can find.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah alright, you go that way. I’ll go to the back of the store. See what I can find up there. Indigo is somewhere.”

Steven/Andres: “I don’t know mate. I don’t know where she is.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I assume you didn’t answer when they called out? Nope.

Jorja/Indigo: Nope.

Olive/Daryl: No, I didn’t. “And Pookie.” I’ll look over and see cat going, ‘ *aggressive cat noises* .’

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes?”

Steven/Andres: “Keep working hard.”

Olive/Daryl: “You’re doing great love.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright.

Steven/Andres: I would like to roll an Investigation in this corner.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You may.

Jorja/Indigo: Just in this corner though.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re at the self-checkout so there’s little impulse buy stuff, so some little chocolate bars that are probably going out of date. Some little gift bags, gift cards.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Indigo: Ooo Andres.

Steven/Andres: We’ve got our eyes on today. Although, I’m not proficient in Investigation, but still. I got a dirty twenty. Slutty little twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus Christ. They’ve got gift cards, like iTunes gift cards and Apple Store gift cards that might be worth a bit of money if you want to scam somebody. There’s some little chocolate bars like a Snickers or a Mars Bar. There’s some - not plastic bags - the little paper bags.

Steven/Andres: Mate, Daryl was a policeman. I’m not going to steal with him on the…

Olive/Daryl: I mean, I’m walking to the back of the store, mate. What I don’t see, I don’t know.

Steven/Andres: Don’t encourage me.

Jorja/Indigo: My pockets are full.

Steven/Andres: Andres’s not a thief. 

Olive/Daryl: You’re going to live your best life, mate, however you want to do it. I’m not here to stop you. I’m not going to call the police on you if you take a couple of cheeky gift cards.

Jorja/Indigo: You’re a uni student.

Steven/Andres: Yeah, but I have mummy and daddy’s money.

Jorja/Indigo: Oh, you’re one of those.

Steven/Andres: We don’t steal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to hear a feminine voice in your head that you do not understand whatsoever. It sounds like they’re trying to help you, like they’re speaking some sort of encouraging words, but it’s not a language you understand. Daryl, we’re going up the back past Pookie?

Olive/Daryl: Yes, yes please mate. We’re going to go right up the back to those doors. We might even check out that top-left corner maybe.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah. 

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, we’ll take a stroll through there, and I’ll have my flashlight out, and I think I’d just like to do a Perception check to see if there’s any sort of hustle and bustle or movement or scratches on the floor or anything that seems a little out there. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, give us an Investigation check please.

Olive/Daryl: Can I do Perception instead?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s not really what it is though, is it?

Olive/Daryl: Oh, fuck me. Okay.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: That’s not good.

Steven/Andres: I’d really rather just look. I don’t want to dig. I just want to do a man look.

Olive/Daryl: That’s me. Well, I did it anyway. Eleven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven. So, coming up there past the old Christmas trees, to the right is the men’s clothing section showing out the latest summer clothes on the mannequins. On the left, the back to school section. You’ve got the backpacks and the notebooks and the pencils and whatnot, and the way you’re heading now is towards the electronics section. We’ve got the video games and the… Video games. What else have they got? That’s all I go there for. 

Jorja/Indigo: CDs, DVDs.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, CDs, DVDs. they’ve got cameras.

Jorja/Indigo: Perhaps a new iPhone.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Perhaps a new iPhone. There is an iPhone… What number are we up to now?

Jorja/Indigo: Fucked if I know.

Olive/Daryl: Seventeen or eighteen I think.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus. There is an iPhone fifteen sitting there not in a display case. Just sitting there on the tech desk. That’s what up there in the back corner, a tech desk. 

Olive/Daryl: If I tap it, does it light up?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it is dead.

Olive/Daryl: It’s dead. I’m going to rummage around, and see if I can’t find it. Because, is it disconnected? Is it attached to an alarm trip thing. Did someone try to steal it, or is it just out on its own?

Steven/Andres: With an eleven, there is a dead iPhone on the table.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think that’s fair, actually. A dead iphone on the table.

Steven/Andres: Oh, sorry.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, I didn't know what to give you, and I was like, ‘No actually, yeah.’

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. I’ll take that, and I will spend the next however long - until someone interrupts me - trying to find a charging cable to see if I can plus this in and turn this bad boy on because it could have some answers for us.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I love it. Pookie.

Rosie/Pookie: I have a question for the DM.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes?

Rosie/Pookie: I was just thinking and should I have a good sense of smell being a cat? Do I get advantage on scent checks?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I believe you’re already proficient in Perception because you’re a tabaxi.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah okay, cool.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, it’s a weird mix of cat versus tabaxi. I think cat is if your Perception check relies on… There’s ones that are like if it relies on hearing or sight or something like that, so there might be a smell one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, what I can see here is: Cat’s talent, you have proficiency in Perception and Stealth; you’ve got Darkvision; you’ve got Feline Agility, so you can run fast; and you can make attacks with your claws.

Rosie/Pookie: Well, I was just going to say, can I - while I’m playing around with my bauble - stop every now and then and give a sniff of the air to see if there’s any weird smells of creatures around.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If it’s a smell, I’ll grant Perception. 

Rosie/Pookie: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give it a Perception check because it’s a smell.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: Eighteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eighteen. There is a funky-fresh smell coming from the clothing section, both the men and the women’s section. It’s that general area. You can smell Indigo because you guys have been all up and cuddling and whatnot. You can smell Indigo over in the clothing section as well.

Steven/Andres: That lady whispering in my ear.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Andres: Is she still talking?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Andres: I’m going to pull out my Japanese For Dummies, and frantically start flicking through the pages.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll come right back to that. You’re searching?

Steven/Andres: Yeah, yeah. I’m just looking through the book.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to say that’ll take a little bit of time while I jump back to Indigo really quickly.

Steven/Andres: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to start investigating, but I’mn also going to start moving towards the men’s section because that is where she gets most of her clothes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love. We’re heading through the big long one. On the other side of that is the men’s.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll head towards that way, and I’ll start looking for weird things that wouldn’t normally be in a department store.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, that’s an Investigation from you.

Jorja/Indigo: Yay.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Indigo: Six.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Six. Interesting.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cool. That’s the second one I’ve rolled on that. 

Jorja/Indigo: Good. Good dice. 

Olive/Daryl: Stay for us.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah Pookie, you can smell Indigo walking through to the other clothing section.

Rosie/Pookie: I’m running afterwards. Partly to be next to Indigo and partly to investigate the smell.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m finding all of the large, black T-shirts and dark coloured cardigans and trying to steal as many as I can.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s all the band tees.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’ve got the classics. The Pink Floyd… What is it? The triangle?

Jorja/Indigo: Dark Side of the Moon?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, a Dark Side of the Moon shirt. They’ve got-

Steven/Andres: Nickelback.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. Metallica.

Jorja/Indigo: I start burning that. I take Pink Floyd and Metallica.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice. A little Guns ‘n’ Roses.

Jorja/Indigo: Na. I put them in one of my various pockets. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, they’re all in the cargo pants?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah. If I can find a sleek, black…. Like a backpack, but not a big backpack, you know?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like a sports backpack?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah. If I can find that in black, I’ll take one of them.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With your roll, no.

Steven/Andres: Who raised you?

Jorja/Indigo: No-one.

Steven/Andres: Well, shit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl, I’ll cut back to- Oh no, are you still looking at your iPhone until told otherwise?

Olive/Daryl: Well, I’m trying to find a charger to connect to the iPhone to turn it on.

Steven/Andres: I’m surprised you know what a charger is. I’m sorry, that was rude.

Olive/Daryl: I have to charge my phone sometimes. You know, and I do lose it occasionally, but I do know what it looks like.

Steven/Andres: ‘Marge! Where’s my charger!?’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Behind the desk, they’ve got a million different cords for all these different phones. So, you’ve been looking through and been like, ‘Not this one.’

Olive/Daryl: “Oh Christ.” I will individually go through and pick out each one and try to pop it in, and be like, “No, that’s not the one. Next one. No, that doesn’t even… No, not that one. Next one. Oh, it does fit. It’s not doing anything though. Why does it… Oh no, it half fits. It fits because it’s small. Okay, alright. Next one.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I feel like there’s a bit of, ‘Oh, this one looks like mine. Oh, they’ve updated the bloody charging port.’

Olive/Daryl: “Where do I plug it in?”

Steven/Andres: ‘Well, that one goes into the phone, but how does this one go into the wall!?’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Love. True, it’s just the USB. There's no…

Steven/Andres: It’s USB-C. ‘What the fuck is this?’

Olive/Daryl: ‘I’ve had it plugged in for three hours. It’s done nothing!’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, Andres, you’ve finally figured out some words. Maybe not a whole sentence. You’ll make something out like ‘disguise’ or ‘trickery’ - one of the words you’re making out. ‘Clothes’ is something that you’re familiar with, and ‘cat’, ‘near.’ Those sort of words.

Steven/Andres: *in an Australian accent that purposely butchers the pronunciation* “Arigato Gozaimasu,” and then I’m going to…

[laughter]

Jorja/Indigo: That was disgusting.

Steven/Andres: You’re welcome.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve been waiting all day.

Steven/Andres: I’ve been waiting my whole life, and I guess I’ll wander towards the cat. Is she saying anything different?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, like, ‘closer, closer, closer.’ Those sort of vibes. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rolling a fucking stealth check, and I rolled a two!

Steven/Andres: What do I see?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie and Indigo, you’re here shopping for T-shirts.

Rosie/Pookie: I’m over there near Indigo now, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, I believe so.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, you come around the corner and I’m putting a shirt in my pocket.

Rosie/Pookie: I give you a nod.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just for Pookie and Indigo though because you’ve been in this area for a bit now. You’re looking around a bit. You’re looking for that backpack, that black, sports backpack that you want. Was that mannequin there before? I feel like that mannequin was a bit further in that corner before.

Jorja/Indigo: “Pookie?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Did that mannequin move?”

Rosie/Pookie: “I do not know, but what I do know is that there’s a very strange smell, and I don’t quite like it. It’s tickling my nose in just the wrong way.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The smell is coming from that mannequin.

Jorja/Indigo: I don’t take my eyes off it the whole time as soon as I notice that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then Andres is coming around the corner.

Rosie/Pookie: Cat hackles, my hackles, are on end, and I’m slowly inching towards it in that way cats do with the unblinking stare.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to cast Mage Hand again and have it follow Pookie.

Steven/Andres: “Hey guys, what did we find?”

Rosie/Pookie: *whispering* “Shh, shh. There’s a mannequin and it has a smell to it, and I’m investigating.”

Steven/Andres: *whispering* “Righto, let us know what you find.”

Rosie/Pookie: *whispering* “Oh, I shall. Thank you.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does your Mage Hand look like because I’m used to Lucille who has an invisible one, but this is visible to everybody, right?

Jorja/Indigo: Yes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And how do you summon it? What’s your magic look like?

Steven/Andres: “Pookie, Pookie. Are you aware that there’s a hand following you?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes, I am quite aware and I should hope that it should give me a couple of pats soon because I’m quite scared.”

Steven/Andres: “Righto.”

Jorja/Indigo: Because she’s a Bard, but she’s a Bard that’s College of Eloquence, so it’s speaking and music. So, some of her spells are speaking. Some are through music. This one is speaking. So, she just mutters to herself a little bit, and I think from her hand- It’ll be black, but not sparkly, but you can see it. It will look like her hand starts to grow and fall off, but it’s a spectral hand that falls from her hand, and follows.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I hate that.

Jorja/Indigo: You’re welcome.

Steven/Andres: With it’s pinky up.

Jorja/Indigo: Yes. At the moment, it’s going to hand from The Addams Family follow Pookie.

Steven/Andres: They float, can’t they?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.

Steven/Andres: Right, but you’re choosing not to.

Jorja/Indigo: At the moment because Pookie is down low. 

Steven/Andres: Of course.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl, you find the right charger after about twenty different chargers. You’re like, ‘This is the one.’

Olive/Daryl: “Yes! Found it! Got you!” I’ll plus it in, and the screen, does it show that it’s starting to turn on? That it’s charging?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it does the circle loading thing and it’s got the battery symbol and ‘one percent.’

Olive/Daryl: “Okay, alright. You sit here,” and then I’ll let that start to charge, and I would like to take a look around me again and see if I can shine my light and spot anything. Any of my accomplices or anything that seems off?

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure, roll a Perception.

Olive/Daryl: Lovely.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: I’m blind.

Jorja/Indigo: It’s dark in here.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What is it?

Olive/Daryl: Dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see this ball roll past. You see it roll out from one of the shelves just behind you and bounce against the wall and roll back behind another shelf.

Olive/Daryl: What kind of ball is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a semi-transparent, pink, bouncy ball, about as big as a head.

Steven/Andres: Is it a head?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Steven/Andres: Just checking.

Olive/Daryl: “Strange.” I’ll peek around the corner and watch the ball.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to do the same thing again. It's going to bounce against the shelves ahead and bounce into another.

Olive/Daryl: Just of its own volition?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, okay. “Okay, why not?” I’ll stroll over and try to pick it up. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: For sure. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: Oh no.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does a twenty-one hit your AC?

Olive/Daryl: It sure does.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This ball seems to open up and grow teeth, a big jaw. It’s going to latch onto your arm and deal:

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seven piercing damage. Oh shit.

Olive/Daryl: “Oh! Ah!”

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And five acid damage apparently.

Olive/Daryl: Oh shit. So, twelve?

Jorja/Indigo: That ain’t good.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Rosie/Pookie: Ah!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Meanwhile, over at the mannequin.

Jorja/Indigo: Suddenly scared.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see this…

Steven/Andres: Does Daryl let out a sound?

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, do I hear?

Olive/Daryl: I sure do. It bites me, and at the bite it’s like, “Ah!” and then the acid starts to seep through, and it’s like, “Argh!”

Steven/Andres: “Daryl, is that you mate?”

Olive/Daryl: “Some bloody ball’s bloody gone and done a bite on me.”

Steven/Andres: I’m probably going to turn and head in his direction. You can continue with what the mannequin’s doing. Just know that I’m looking now towards Daryl with the intention to go and help him out.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. Okay. The mannequin that Pookie’s trying to sneak up on… You’re watching safe from a distance I believe Indigo?

Jorja/Indigo: Yes. prepared.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see it morph and change from this porcelain white mannequin wearing cargo shorts and a polo shirt.

Jorja/Indigo: Damn, hot.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to start to morph at the stomach, and this big maw is going to open up from its stomach, and this big tongue is going to come out, and it’s going to start moving its mannequin legs towards you, and we can all roll for initiative.

[dark synthwave music rises]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber, Steven Edwards as Andres, Olive Jerome as Daryl, Rosemary Ochtman as Pookie, and Jorja Odd as Indigo. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on a bunch of social media, including Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and Patreon. All of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Rosie/Pookie: *making siren noises*

Olive/Daryl: *to the tune of You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive.* You spin me right round baby, right round. Like a siren baby. Right round, round down.

Rosie/Pookie: Sorry.

All: Yipee!

Jorja/Indigo: I get advantage and plus twenty to mine, just so you know.

Steven/Andres: That’s amazing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, of course.