Episode 4: Beginnings

With a week to kill before their next mission, the party spends some down time. Andres and Indigo work their day jobs, while Daryl’s family history is explored. Pookie enacts a plan with her cat contacts, and the team’s next mission is revealed. 

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and mentions of alcohol.

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Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber is Tyrone Cross      

Andres is Steven Edwards

Daryl is Olive Jerome

Pookie is Rosemary Ochtman

Indigo is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant.

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Listener names in this episode include:

Jonika - @jonika_cazar

Thorne - @thethornefilespodcast

Cameron - Cameron Edwards

Sound effects used in this episode include:

milk frother mono -dude3966

Cinematic Mystery Synth - DeVern

Amulet - 62 BPM D# Min - NOIZ

Ziplock - 120 BPM F Maj - NOIZ

Neon Dreams: A Retro-Futuristic Synthwave Track - Bas 02 - Robhog

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Steven: Yeah, Portal Quandary has some content warnings. Yeah, check them out in the episode description.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A short man hovers in front of a large touchscreen, idly tapping it as the general clamour of the McDonalds washes over him. On the other side of the counter, a goliath woman is speaking to a halfling, hunched over to meet their eyes as she towers over them. 

Tyrone/Worker: I know - I know, I’m trying to get a hold of her now. I’m sure she’s on her way.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The goliath is saying. The halfling throws out a dismissive hand and ducks back away from the counter. The man slowly taps through the menu, adding the occasional item to his order. Not long after the exchange, a human girl sidles in.

Tyrone/Worker: “Indigo, this is the third time this week you’ve been twenty minutes late.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Well, I don’t have a car.”

Tyrone/Worker: “I can give you a lift next time, alright?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay, thank you.”

Tyrone/Worker: “That’s alright. Go. Go get changed.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Worker: “I made you your frappe.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The two disappear into the back, and the man drops his hand, backing away from the screen and leaving. He pulls out a small bottle of hand sanitiser and squirts some onto his palms as he strides up the street, ducking through a few emptier ones before coming into a small Turkish coffee shop with three tables. Only one of them is occupied. He sits across from the shop’s only customer, pulling out a small recorder and sliding it across the table. The young woman across from him takes it wordlessly.

Tyrone/Man: Everything is normal, for the most part. She’s still going in to work late. Sometimes skips shifts entirely.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He tells her, nodding to the device. 

Tyrone/Man: Overheard her talking to her supervisor about it. I think I know why. The young woman’s eyebrows raise. The man hesitates briefly, searching for words. 

Tyrone/Woman: And?

Tyrone/Man: It seems like she’s looking for her sister.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The young woman leans back in her chair, eyebrows pulling together. 

Tyrone/Woman: What does she think she’s going to be able to do? That’s ridiculous.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The man shrugs a shoulder. 

Tyrone/Man: She’s committed. I’ll give her that much.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Tucking the device into a pocket, she reaches up and rubs her forehead. A small smile plays at her lips, but she sighs and it melts away.

Tyrone/Woman: I think.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She starts.

Tyrone/Woman: That may be a problem.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi there, welcome back to another episode of Portal Quandary. This is episode four, and what a way to start episode four but by levelling to level four.

Rosie/Pookie: Actually, that’s very satisfying

Jorja/Indigo: It’s like he planned it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s not going to happen every time though. You’re not going to get to level five on episode five. You’re not…

Jorja/Indigo: Well, you’ve already started it, so we should continue with that.

Rosie/Pookie: I have expectations.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, we’ve all gone home from the convenience store just to live our lives for the whole week. We’re going to start with Andres. Andres, we just want to know what’s going on in your life? What’s new?

Steven/Andres: I mean, it’s a Tuesday.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: See you next Tuesday. I like it.

Steven/Andres: I haven’t said that word yet- Actually, I probably have. Yes, it’s Tuesday, so I’ve got school.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What do you do at school?

Steven/Andres: He’s studying a… Oh shit, what is he studying? It’s education. He’s got classes for his Bachelor of Education. He’s got Teaching Primary School Children 101, I don’t know. I don’t know what they’ve got in a Bachelor of Education.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Primary Education 101?

Steven/Andres: Yep, and I've got an assignment on controlling children.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And how’s that going for you?

Steven/Andres: He hates it because he hates children.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s doing education but hates children. Got it.

Steven/Andres: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sounds about right.

Steven/Andres: Yep. That’s what’s going to make him a really good teacher.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In person or online?

Steven/Andres: In person.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. We’re at the lecture hall at [insert name of university here in Melbourne]

Steven/Andres: At [insert time of day here.]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s probably about midday, I reckon. You’d go for the later classes, surely?

Steven/Andres: No, I got earlier classes today because I’ve got a shift at the cafe in the afternoon.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eight am. Intro to Primary Education. 

Steven/Andres: Teaching Early Literacy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Teaching Early Literacy?

Steven/Andres: Yep.

Tyrone/Teacher: “Alright class, so today…”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You go up to the front and there’s an owlin teacher, which is an owl person, will rock up-

Steven/Andres: I love that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. They’ve got a beautiful blazer on.

Tyrone/Teacher: “Hello class. Today we’ll be talking about controlling children and teaching them literacy. So, we’ll be taking out our child’s books.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Have you got any friends in class?

Steven/Andres: No, so because Andres already has a degree he’s considered a mature age student.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So everyone avoids you. 

Steven/Andres: Everyone else is eighteen year olds, and he doesn’t really want anything to do with that. Actually, they don’t want anything to do with him - is probably more accurate.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you try to talk to them?

Steven/Andres: No.

Olive/Daryl: The former is what he tells himself.

Steven/Andres: Exactly.

Olive/Daryl: Yep.

Steven/Andres: Yep. He’s like, ‘I’m better than all these people.’ Whereas, I’m the one that goes, ‘Umm actually, did we have a test today?’

Jorja/Indigo: ‘I brought my homework in. It was due today, yes?’

Steven/Andres: He’s kind of the worst.

Olive/Daryl: No, he’s just keen. He wants his education to be right. He’s proper. It’s good. It’s not bad to be a nerd.

Steven/Andres: He just doesn’t want to get a job.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s roll an Intelligence check to see how you went with your homework.

Steven/Andres: Lucky that’s my best stat, said no-one ever.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: A four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A total of four?

Steven/Andres: Yeah.

Tyrone/Teacher: “So Andres, did you read the book?”

Steven/Andres: “Which book?”

Tyrone/Teacher: “My First Words.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh shit, I must have missed that one. Was that key to this assignment?”

Tyrone/Teacher: “That was the assignment, yes.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, right. Yep.”

Tyrone/Teacher: “Look, you get the assignment back to me by midnight tonight and I’ll consider it remarked.”

Steven/Andres: “Yep, yep, right, yep, yep. Can do. Yep. I definitely don’t have anything else to do tonight. Yep.”

Tyrone/Teacher: “I suggest you probably leave now and get it done.”

Steven/Andres: “Yep.”

Tyrone/Teacher: “You can watch the class later online.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, are these recorded?”

Tyrone/Teacher: “Yeah.”

Steven/Andres: “Sweet.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Second class… Do you have a second class today, did you say?

Steven/Andres: Well, not now. I have to go and do an assignment. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, but you have work? Okay.

Steven/Andres: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’re skipping your second class to go and study at the library?

Steven/Andres: Yep, yep. I’m going to start getting cracked into that book. My First Words, is that what you called it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It was the first thing that came into my brain.

Jorja/Indigo: The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Steven/Andres: Possum Magic.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The Rainbow Fish.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah!

Steven/Andres: Aussie classics.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, I think that one of your coworkers is going to find you at the library because you work at the campus cafe from my notes here.

Steven/Andres: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: James the drow - is the only identifier I have for them - is going to come up to you.

Tyrone/James: “What are you doing? OH, are you studying? What the hell?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, I fucked up an assignment.”

Tyrone/James: “How did you fuck it up? It’s primary education. Surely you already went through that education.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, but that was more than six years ago.”

Tyrone/James: “Is that your memory span, is it? Six years?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, sure.”

Tyrone/James: “Cooked it. Too much of the alcohol. Speaking of which, a party at my place this weekend?”

Steven/Andres: “Of course.”

Tyrone/James: “Saturday?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah. I clearly don’t have any other more important things to be doing.”

Tyrone/James: “Yeah, let’s do it at my place. Karlee might be there. I’ll have to ask her later on.”

Steven/Andres: Wait, is this James?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Steven/Andres: I’m pretty sure I live with him. We have the same house. 

Tyrone/James: “And when I say my place, what’s mine is yours.”

[laughter]

Jorja/Indigo: ‘Mi casa es su casa.’

Olive/Daryl: ‘I also pay the rent, so it’s mine technically.’

Tyrone/James: “Yeah, so party, our place, Saturday.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Tyrone/James: “I’ll see if Karlee will come. I don’t know if Ryan or Li will come. We’ll see what goes on.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, I haven’t seen them in six months.”

Tyrone/James: “You’ve got the midday shift, yeah?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah.”

Tyrone/James: “Twelve till eight?”

Steven/Andres: “I thought it was twelve till seven, but I could be wrong.”

Tyrone/James: “Twelve till seven, but you know how it is. We always stay late.”

Steven/Andres: “True.”

Tyrone/James: “Anyways, I’ll see you there at twelve. I’ve got the twelve o’clock shift too.”

Steven/Andres: “No worries.”

Tyrone/James: “I’m on barista. You’re on cashier, yeah?”

Steven/Andres: “Maybe we could switch?”

Tyrone/James: “Half-half, yeah?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, alright.”

Tyrone/James: “Alright, bye. Smell you later.”

Jorja/Indigo: Do you live with Bart Simpson?

Olive/Daryl: We’ve been flung back to 2006.

Steven/Andres: Eat my shorts.

Jorja/Indigo: Cowabunga.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, after we’re done studying My First Words, it’s time for work at twelve o’clock at Common Grounds. Such a good name for a coffee shop, honestly. Karlee is there, a wood half- A half wood half elf-

Steven/Andres: A half wood elf.

Tyrone/Karlee: “Well, don’t you look pleased to be here.”

Steven/Andres: “Always a pleasure Karlee.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “What’s been happening?”

Steven/Andres: “Nothing.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to roll Insight against that.

Steven/Andres: Shit.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: I got a ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, I rolled a base eleven, so…

Steven/Andres: Shit. I’ve got a plus five.

Tyrone/Karlee: “What the tea? Come on, the only entertainment I have is our talks.”

Steven/Andres: “I mean, last Friday…”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Yeah?”

Steven/Andres: “I got into some pretty cheeky shit, I’m not going to lie.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “What’s their name?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, it wasn’t a person. It was a thing we did.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “I’m listening.”

Steven/Andres: “Down girl. It’s not like that.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “You’re the only entertainment in my life. I live vicariously through you.”

Steven/Andres: “So, I mean, I don’t know if you’ve seen the posters around, but have you heard of the…” What are we called? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You never asked. It’s just the organisation.

Steven/Andres: Okay, what’s on the poster then? I’ve seen that. I picture it with little tear-away number things.

Oh yeah. ‘Bored with your life? Want some new interesting political science Tyrone/Dungeon Master: club stuff to do? Come here to this convenience store at this time.’

Steven/Andres: “You’ve seen those posters about the political science extracurricular?”

Tyrone/Karlee: “I’m bored with my life, but political science does not interest me in the slightest.”

Steven/Andres: “Well, you know that tower that popped up and caused The Shift?”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Yeah. Caused- Caused it?”

Steven/Andres: “Well, that’s what they reckon.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Have you been reading those conspiracy websites?”

Steven/Andres: “No, no, no, no. So, these people- There’s a convenience store, and you go through the milk, and there’s these people with cloaks and masks, and they told me they did it.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Did you go to the LARPing club?”

Steven/Andres: “No, no, no. It’s not- No, no. So, you go through the convenience. You go to the milk aisle, but you go to the milk fridge that’s full, and it’s actually a door, and it goes down. They’ve got a secret society down there.”

[bell rings]

Tyrone/Karlee: “Hi, how can I help you? Can I take your order? Yep. M’kay. A large? Okay, anyways. Hmm, what?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, so you go down to this thing, and they’ve got this whole set up. There’s a human.There’s a-”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Sorry, could you do this milk?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah.” *imitates a milk frother*

[milk frother sounds]

Tyrone/Karlee: “There’s a human. Who else?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, there was a human, and there was a centaur, and there was a minotaur.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Alright, was it worth it? Do you get extra credit, or…?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh no. It’s not part of the uni. It’s just a group.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “I don’t want to do anything that doesn’t look good on my resume.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, well that’s your decision. I’m just here to have a good time.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “That is why I live vicariously through you.”

Steven/Andres: “Speaking of, Saturday night. You down?”

Tyrone/Karlee: “What’s happening Saturday?”

Steven/Andres: “We’re having a party at our place. Didn’t James tell you?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: James walks in now about ten minutes late for his shift.

Steven/Andres: “Fuck’s sake James.”

Tyrone/James: “Heyo! Saturday, let’s party.”

Steven/Andres: “Heyo!”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Oh, are we going to play King’s Cup again?”

Steven/Andres: “Hell yeah, brother.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “King’s Cup is the only way I can open up socially.”

Steven/Andres: “Okay, that was too real. Calm down.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Okay, sure. Was that the end of your story?”

Steven/Andres: “I mean, that was pretty much it.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Wait, so what do you do with them?”

Steven/Andres: “So, we went to an old Bullseye store.”

Tyrone/Karlee: “Oh yeah.”

Steven/Andres: “And there was a mannequin, and there was a record, and they attacked us, so-”

Tyrone/James: “What are you going on about, mate?”

Steven/Andres: “It’s all linked. The Shift.”

Tyrone/James: “Is this the kid’s books you’ve got to read for class?”

Steven/Andres: “Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it.”

Tyrone/James: “Fuck me dead. Get off the milk, I’m on the milk to start with, remember? You’re cashier to start with.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, yep. Hey, what can I get you?”

Olive/Customer: “I’d like a tall, iced latte macchiato with a half pump of vanilla and three sugars. Hold the ice.”

Steven/Andres: “You’ve got it. That’ll be twelve fifty.”

Olive/Customer: “Wow, that’s actually really cheap.”

Jorja/Indigo: Much like you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fade to later in the day after our shift. After our shift at The Common Grounds, what are you up to?

Steven/Andres: Well, I have to stay until late. I’m going home because I’ve got this assignment to write.

Tyrone/James: “You want a lift, yeah? You’re coming home with me, right?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Tyrone/James: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Steven/Andres: “As we’ve already established, I don’t have a license, so a lift would be great.”

Tyrone/James: “I’ve got a brewsky in the back if you want one. I won’t have one. I’m driving, but you can have one.”

Steven/Andres: “Cheers.”

Tyrone/James: “Cheers. By the way, I’ve got to actually go and study for once. If I’m going to party on Saturday, I better actually study, I guess.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, I’ve got to repeat this assignment for three year olds.”

Tyrone/James: “Do you really want to do that? You really want to be a primary teacher?”

Steven/Andres: “Nah, but it’s a part of the curriculum, so I’ve got to do it. To be honest, I'm just still finding my way. I don’t know what I want to do.”

Tyrone/James: “Yeah, well I’m going to be off doing my medicine homework, so…”

Steven/Andres: “I bet your dad’s proud of you.”

Tyrone/James: “More proud than your dad is of you. Have fun in your room reading children’s books.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Doing our homework: My First Words. For whatever reason, you really can’t focus on this book - My First Words - and you keep glancing over at this piece of paper on your desk. This sketch, you don’t really remember where you got it from, but it’s of this woman. You figure you must have gotten it from your travels overseas last year. During your between degree gap year. Yeah, your attention keeps getting drawn back to that.

Steven/Andres: Sure, I will try to… I’ll put the children’s book down, and I’ll go over to my desk and look at this picture.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give me an Investigation, please.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: Why are we doing Intelligence rolls? I’m not good at these. I’m proficient in it, so it's a plus three. Eleven. I’m going to cast Guidance on myself.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: That’s a fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Guidance is interesting. We’ll get back to that in a second. 

Steven/Andres: That’s from my book.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh. With a fourteen, you’re going to look at this properly for the first time. You’ve looked at it time and time, but now - only just now - you’ve noticed there’s a little bit of blood splatter on the bottom of the page. ‘Woah wait, is that my blood? What’s going on with that?’ And you’re going to feel a cold hand on your shoulder, and you hear this womanly voice whisper:

Tyrone/Patron: “Andres.”

Steven/Andres: “Huh?” I’m going to immediately turn around a full one eighty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You seem to register that she’s not speaking English, and yet you still seem to understand it well enough still.

Tyrone/Patron: “You’ve been ignoring me.”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to run over and grab my Japanese Book for Dummies and start rifling through the pages to see if I can put together what she’s saying.

Tyrone/Patron: “You’ve been reading well enough.”

Steven/Andres: Not English, just Japanese.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just Japanese. It’s the only thing you care about. You’ve got that whole book there that you couldn’t give a shit about My First Words.

Steven/Andres: My First Japanese Words, now that’s where it’s at. 

Tyrone/Patron: “We had fun at the Bullseye, didn’t we?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, whoever you are.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can’t really see her. You can just feel the cold hand and her voice.

Steven/Andres: What happens if I put my hand on top of her hand on my shoulder?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can feel a hand. You can feel that something’s there.

Steven/Andres: What does it feel like?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cold, like touching a popsicle.

Steven/Andres: Oh okay, I will probably recoil my hand.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you should.

Tyrone/Patron: “That creature wasn’t really in my best interest though. We need something better.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, right. Yep. Better, got it.”

Tyrone/Patron: “You enjoy this new power, yeah?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, yes.”

Tyrone/Patron: “This beautiful jacket you’re wearing?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah.”

Tyrone/Patron: “More where that came from if I get more where that came from.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Tyrone/Dunegon Master: You can see icicles forming over the sketch that we were talking about. She’ll say:

Tyrone/Patron: “Again, like this one. We can have some more. Talk to you soon.”

Steven/Andres: Do I need to roll a check on the picture to see if I can remember what happened?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, what did I have last time? It’s a Wisdom Save, please.

Steven/Andres: A Wisdom Save?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Steven/Andres: Oh shit. Well, this is going to be better.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: No, it won’t.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you get?

Steven/Andres: I got a one. Wow, this is boding really well. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It fits with the narrative though. You’re staring, and you’re like, ‘Who’s blood is this? Where did this come from? What is she talking about? You can’t give her more of what she wants if you don’t know what it is.’ Before we jump over, we should talk about level up. Before we jump over to one of the other guys. What happened? What did you get on your level up? Level four is big, baby.

Rosie/Pookie: Did you learn to count to that much with your books?

Steven/Andres: No, no I did not. We’re not up to four. We’re still up to two. I will have spent the rest of the night - instead of doing my assignment - rifling through my Japanese For Dummies book, which inside of I’ve been writing notes in the back about the kind of abilities I’ve been able to access through this mysterious lady, and I’ve grown quite fond of her in an admiration way. In that, I want to do what she wants me to do. I’m thinking that she has a goal, she has a purpose, and I think that I can follow her and it’ll be fine maybe, but not just for selfish reasons. Not like, ‘If I help her, I’ll be better.’ I’m thinking more that she’s got reasons and goals, and I want to attune to that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, and where has that led you?

Steven/Andres: Oh right, so I took one level in Cleric, and I’ve taken the Grave Domain.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Multi-classing?

Steven/Andres: Yeah, the first time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Grave Domain?

Steven/Andres: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s suspicious. That’s weird.

Steven/Andres: No, no it’s not. It makes perfect sense if I didn’t roll a one on this backstory check.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who’s blood is it Steven? Who’s blood is it?

Jorja/Indigo: ‘Is it mine? Did I get a papercut?’

Steven/Andres: ‘Oh, it’s mine. I have a papercut from this…’

Jorja/Indigo: ‘Oh, it’s just ketchup.’

Steven/Andres: ‘It’s this huge, thick cut from the literacy book - the children’s book.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, your warlock patron has become your cleric deity?

Steven/Andres: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, that makes sense.

Steven/Andres: She’s both my mummy and my mummy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And with that, let’s move over to Daryl.

Rosie/Pookie: Dazza!

[relaxing lofi music plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hi Daryl.

Olive/Daryl: Hello.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s got a good old Wednesday.

Olive/Daryl: It is Wednesday. It’s been a bit of a quiet week this week. Regular errands and moving about in my normal ways, and taking my time after the events of Friday night. Taking it all in. But, Wednesday is Daryl’s day, so he gets to get up to whatever he can and whatever he wants, so he wakes nice and early and doesn’t have to rush anyone off anywhere. The lovely wife is able to cater to those events, so he wakes up nice and early and will get some good breakfast for himself before heading out to maintain his garden and checking on the house. Do some homework and clean up a little bit and tidy up his space. He might even sit down for a bit and read. He’ll catch up on a couple of hi favourite books, and then just after midday he’ll actually get himself some lunch and sit down with the old laptop, which took him several months to get used to, but he’ll crack it open and check his emails, and check if anyone has requested his advice on any particular cases. He will still touch base occasionally if there’s a particularly tricky case that someone needs a secondary eye for. A bit of consultant work, so he’ll work on that for about an hour or two and take a look to see if there’s anything that clicks for him, but I feel like today’s not really his day. He’s not in the mindset. He’s got other things churning in the background. And then after that he’ll pop off and go and grab the kids and pick them up from school and take them to their afternoon activities, and in between that - when they’re doing their activities - he’ll actually swing around past his old gym that he used to go to.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The gym.

Rosie/Pookie: ‘Used to.’

Olive/Daryl: Well yeah, when he retired he didn’t feel the need to necessarily continue with the gym. You know, he has his home gym, and he has his runs that he likes to do, so the gym itself he felt wasn’t a real necessity in retirement. It’s time to relax, but with the events that happened on Friday night, there’s a bit of an understanding that he’s going to need to be in physical shape for this. He needs to be at the top of his game, so he’ll get abc into some boxing, and he’ll hop in the ring for a couple of hours and go back and forth, and he’ll work himself down to the bone until his arms are all little, wet noodles, and then he’ll head home and enjoy some lovely dinner that the family’s cooked up for him for a change, which is also lovely. Daryl usually does all the cooking through the week, so on a Wednesday night he gets to come home and enjoy a nice, lovely meal, which is very refreshing. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Meat and veggies? Meat and three veg?

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, exactly. You’ve got to cover all the basics. There’s a little bit of… Daryl likes to indulge on Wednesday’s because he gets himself on the way home from the bakery a little wholemeal bread roll, which is stuffed with this… Someone help me. I don’t know much about bread.

Rosie/Pookie: I don’t know where you’re going, but please continue.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like a pizza bread?

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, it’s like a little pizza bread, but it’s got this cinnamon twinge to it. 

Rosie/Pookie: Pizza bread- Wholemeal pizza bread with a cinnamon twist?

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, it’s very unique, very strange, but he loves it. It’s his little delicacy.

Steven/Andres: I love the, ‘Someone chime in at any point,’’I cannot. I can’t match this.’

Jorja/Indigo: No-one knows where you are or what’s happening.

Rosie/Pookie: I just wanted to hear what you were coming up with.

Olive/Daryl: I asked for help and no-one saved me. But yeah, that’s pretty much his whole day, so Daryl’s pretty clear cut. He has his objectives from when he wakes up to when he goes to sleep. He has tasks that he wants to get down. He gets in and he gets them done and he moves on.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He moves on. We’ll jump in in the middle here. Let’s talk about your level up for level four because I think we went to the gym for a reason.

Olive/Daryl: We absolutely did, yes. So, we’ve taken the feature: Tavern Brawler, so it gives me a plus one to my Strength - I’ve put in in instead of my Constitution - but it also means that my punches delivers a one d4 damage on top of Strength bonus, and I can now use my bonus action to grapple targets as well after I’ve given them a good, old socking.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give them a citizen’s arrest.

Olive/Daryl: That’s it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can’t do real arrests any more.

Olive/Daryl: No, no, I can only do citizen’s arrests. It’s trifling, but the law is the law.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I thought we might talk about our family a little bit. We’ve been mentioning them a lot.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, Lorraine is our wife?

Olive/Daryl: Lorraine is my lovely wife. I was a single parent for many years. He raised his two children by himself for quite some time, and then when he was at a charity event still working for the police - he was a detective at this time 0 he met his lovely wife Lorraine who was there for a… I believe it was a charity event.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you met at a charity ball I’ve got here.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, yeah, a charity ball. So, her support and her encouragement and her love for life just clicked for Daryl, and they really helped each other get their lives back on track to where they are now, and it’s a beautiful, little relationship that they have. His kids are all grown up now and they have kids of their own now. His son is married with two kids: Claudia, who was the connecting piece that got him into the organisation; and then cheeky little Spencer. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cheeky little.

Olive/Daryl: And then his second child, Suzanne, who’s partner unfortunately… We don’t talk about him.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One of those. 

Olive/Daryl: One of those. One of those, but she’s a single parent with three kids. She’s doing the best she can, so a lot of Daryl’s time is spent helping her out with driving around the kids, when their mother’s off at work.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a very supportive grandfather there.

Olive/Daryl: Daryl tries his best, he does.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And are they all human? You’re human, so what’s happening there with…

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, so myself and my lovely wife Lorraine, we’re both human - unaffected for the most part - and majority of my family, so Patrick and his partner and their kids are fairies. The other kids are also all fairies, but Suzanne is actually a centaur, which was a little bit strange. A little bit out there, but their family crest is a horse, so it makes sense in that way, but yeah no. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Suzanne as a single parent as a centaur, that’s got to be tough.

Olive/Daryl: It really has made carpooling a lot more effective.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: When the seven year old wants piggybacks.

Olive/Daryl: Exactly, they get to have actual horsey-back rides. It’s great. She doesn’t find that as entertaining when I make that joke.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think as well when you were searching through your emails today, there was a small hit. Something that was a little bit of note from one of your old colleagues: Alan Pidgee. [Pronounced Piggy]

Olive/Daryl: Oh yeah, Alan.

Jorja/Indigo: You named a cop Piggy?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The other one is Sadie Paupau. [pronounced Po-po]

Olive/Daryl: Well, I’ve actually made a little bit of an homage to Pidge because it’s spelt P-I-D-G-E-E. Pidgey, but it’s pronounced Piggy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pidge! They have an email to you. They keep you in loop every now and then with things that might be interesting to you. This email details - you saw it on the news the other night while you were watching the tele and eating your din-dins - about these people that tried to scale the tower. Two of them got caught, but one got away. It’s talking about the fact that fairies were trying to sneak into the tower, which is interesting, so we assume this one fairy also got away.

Olive/Daryl: So, the two that were captured were both fairies?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Olive/Daryl: Interesting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, he just thinks that information of note to pass on. ‘Hey, is there something going on here?’ And I think we’ll leave it there with that.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah mate, yeah. Just another Wednesday. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just your typical Wednesday. 

[melodic lofi music plays]

-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I hope you’re enjoying episode four, it’s been really interesting getting to know more about these character’s backstories. As you probably know, this season we’re naming NPCs after listeners, so if you want to have a character named after you, just head over to our Instagram and check out the pinned post. All you need to do is share that to your story, and be sure to tag us so we see it! We did have another one this week, coming up in the second half of the episode, Cameron, named for Cameron Edwards on Facebook. Let’s quickly head over to the ad, this week featuring Of Monsters and Mixed Successes. 

Of Monsters and Mixed Successes Ad Read: The small town of Ferrough is strange. Filled with monsters, magic, and entities unknown to all but a few residents. Join local priest, Leviathan Bell - “Any threat to the divine and to this town needs to be taken care of, and that’s my duty” - Ex monster hunter, Alex Palmer - “I’m not paranoid enough to stop being curious. Fine! He takes my hand. Oh shit, I’m in over my head” - And haunted archivist, Ananiel Malice - “It’s Ananiel’s turn to have a bad day. Opening his little satchel and taking his little notebook out, and he’s opening it to the page where he’s sketched the boulder” - as they step up to do their best to protect their town and its people from entities that want to lay claim over it. Every other Wednesday, come take a seat at our table where there are monsters aplenty - “Where these eyes should be are concave pits of flat flesh” - We’re all a little bit silly. “Awkward moment when you just want to read some books, and your friends start having a fight about your free will” - And our characters are very, very sad. “I really appreciated and cherished having friends.” Of Monsters and Mixed Successes is available on YouTube and most podcasting platforms. “As you raise your hand to start to do this magic, he shoots you. Yes.” “Oh no.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before we get back to the episode, This week I wanted to talk about our Redbubble store. Our Redbubble store is where you’re going to find our merch, and right now we’ve got the designs for Daryl, Indigo, Pookie, and Andres along with all the characters from previous seasons, and you can get any of those on almost anything, ranging from T-shirts to mugs to stickers to little pet bandanas. To find it, all you have to do is visit Redbubble.com and search Portal Quandary in the search bar to find our store. Anyways, I’ll let you get to the episode. Episode five will be coming out Friday, March twenty-eighth.

-

[melodic lofi music plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ve gone through Tuesday and Wednesday, so we’re up to Thursday with Indigo. What’s happening on a typical Thursday for you?

Jorja/Indigo: Well, it’s not typical because she works at McDonalds, so her shifts are very sporadic and I think she usually takes night shifts, so in the morning she’ll wake up and see her parents before they go off to work.

Tyrone/Mum: “Bye Sweetie!”

Jorja/Indigo: “Bye. Have a good day.”

Tyrone/Mum: “Stay out of trouble.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah, I just have work. That’s all.”

Tyrone/Mum: “Okay, we’ll see you after work. I love you.”

Jorja/Indigo: *whispering* “I love you too.” And then she’ll spend a good majority of the morning going back to sleep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This repeats until about three pm.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah. She’ll sleep in the rest of the morning. She’ll get up and make some two minute noodles or something. Just whatever she finds in the pantry, and then she’s going to practice her music for a few hours.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Drums from memory?

Jorja/Indigo: There’s a couple, so she drums. She also has a flute, and her mum has a cello.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, it’s a bit of a musical family?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’re going to practice all three?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, she’ll practise one. WEithe target mad or bored that she can’t do something and then change to the other one, and then they share a music room. She’s going to spend ten minutes sitting there looking at the guitar that her sister played. “Okay, I guess I’ll go to work,” and take forever to get ready.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. It’s the Maccas where you've got to take your uniform there and get changed at the change room as well. 

Jorja/Indigo: Yep, so she’ll take ages, and then she’ll slowly make her way to work. Her work has been really good to her. I would say that her parents maybe talked to them because her sister is currently missing. They’re like, ‘Sorry if she’s a bit disorientated or not with it,’ and they spoke to her and they’re like, ‘Yeah, that’s okay.’ They’ve been nice and let her be a bit lenient with her shifts, but she hasn’t told her parents that, so when she’s out her parents think she’s at work and she’s not, but she’s showing up for this shift. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you just haven’t been showing up for shifts. Is that what I’m getting?

Jorja/Indigo: No, she’ll just be like, ‘I don't really feel like it,’ when they ask if you want a particular shift. Like, I don’t think I can do that one, but I can do this one.’ Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, so they’re looking at you today. The manager’s like:

Tyrone/Worker: “Indigo, this is the third time this week you’ve been twenty minutes late.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Well, I don’t have a car.”

Tyrone/Worker: “I can give you a lift next time, alright?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay, thank you.”

Tyrone/Worker: “That’s alright. Go. Go get changed.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Worker: “I made you your frappe.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thanks.” She’s going to have a tiny, little smile as she walks off.

Olive/Daryl: Begins to start crying but her tears immediately evaporate.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Frappe!’

Jorja/Indigo: ‘That burns my skin.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know anything about your work really.

Jorja/Indigo: It’s just McDonalds. She hasn’t really made friends there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s just a four till eight or four till nine. A shitty, small shift?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you do the drive-through? Do you do the McCafe? Do you do the kitchen?

Jorja/Indigo: Definitely not a drive-through person.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No? *dry tone* ‘Hi, may I take your order?’

Olive/Daryl: I think she’d be the exact type of person.

Jorja/Indigo: Actually, you know what? She loves the drive-through. 

Rosie/Pookie: I imagine that she’s staring blank-faced at the person waiting in the car the whole time. Not looking at what they’re doing, but just staring at them.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, you're string dead ahead talking into the headset while holding your hand out for the money.

Jorja/Indigo: It’s one of the eftpos machines that’s on a stick. She’s holding it- She barely outstretches her arm.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She does not lower it down.

Jorja/Indigo: No. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you have a work bestie? Do you get along with anyone?

Jorja/Indigo: There’s probably one person that she likes. Like is a strong word. That she gets along with.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘That she gets on with.’

Jorja/Indigo: That she’ll actively talk to.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s either someone your own age or a forty year old lady.

Jorja/Indigo: It is a forty year old lady.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And their name is?

Jorja/Indigo: Nancy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nancy. Is Nancy a human, or…?

Jorja/Indigo: Nancy is a…

Olive/Daryl: Hobgoblin.

Steven/Andres: Bugbear.

Jorja/Indigo: I was going to say Goliath.

Olive/Daryl: Oh, a Goliath is perfect.

Jorja/Indigo: She’s a Goliath.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She stumbles over to you. She’s got bad hips.

Tyrone/Nancy: “Are you alright if I take over?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah, that’s okay.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “You go down and serve at the frappe machine.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “I snuck you another one in there.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thank you.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “Listen, are you alright?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah, I’m alright. It’s just been a bit weird at home, but it’s fine.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “I’m always here if you ever want to talk about anything. You’re like my own daughter.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thanks Nancy. Okay, bye.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “Bye. Let me know if you need a lift home after.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes please.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “We can listen to our tunes again.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes we can, Nancy.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes Nancy! I picture you guys listening to metal on the drive home.

Jorja/Indigo: We are. It’s that scene from Monster’s University.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes! We get home after an okay shift. It’s fine, it’s fine.

Jorja/Indigo: It’s McDonalds, yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. Roll me a Perception please.

Jorja/Indigo: Perception.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Indigo: Six.

Steven/Andres: Nice. Welcome to the loser’s club.

Jorja/Indigo: Hell yeah!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hell yeah. Okay, everything seems fine and exactly where it should be.

Jorja/Indigo: Wow, coming home, everything seems fine and exactly where it should be. 

Steven/Andres: Suspicious.

Tyrone/Mum: “Honey, is that you?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah, it’s me.”

Tyrone/Mum: “How was work?”

Jorja/Indigo: “It was alright.”

Tyrone/Mum: “Anything else?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Nancy says hi.”

Tyrone/Mum: “Oh my god, is she still out there?”

Jorja/Indigo: “No, she left. She’s got to get home to the kids.”

Tyrone/Mum: “You tell her I said thank you. We need to get her a thank you gift for driving you home all these shifts.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah, I’ll let her know. How was your day?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does your mother do?

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to say she is a music teacher at a college. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was going to say, ‘Is she your music teacher?’

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, no. That’s why we have an extra room in our house. University money.

Tyrone/Mum: “It was alright. I just really missing them today.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I’m sorry mum.”

Tyrone/Mum: “A letter came. It’s on your bed. I don’t know who it’s from. It’s random.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Who’s sending a letter to an eighteen year old?”

Tyrone/Mum: “That’s what I want to know. Don’t you kids use texts these days? TikTok?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes, we communicate through TikTok.”

Steven/Andres: It’s not a lie.

Jorja/Indigo: It is not.

Tyrone/Mum: “Do you make TikToks?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Do I make- No.”

Tyrone/Mum: “Oh, you’ve got to teach me the dances.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I would have to learn the dances, and I don’t dance.”

Tyrone/Mum: “It could be a mother/daughter bonding experience.”

Jorja/Indigo: “We could also play music together.”

Tyrone/Mum: “I agree. Your father will play the triangle.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Sure, he will try.”

Tyrone/Mum: “Okay, bye.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Bye.” She’s going to go into her room and find that letter.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s just a neutral envelope. No addressee besides Indigo.

Jorja/Indigo: And then she’s going to quickly do a scan of her room to see if her mother has touched anything else.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She has tidied up all of the clothes that were all over the floor.

Jorja/Indigo: Yes! Thank fuck! I’ve been waiting all week for that!

[laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going to open it?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, so it just says Indigo on it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Indigo: Is it handwritten?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Jorja/Indigo: Does it look like familiar handwriting? Not that she’s seen a lot of handwriting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What is a handwriting check? That is Investigation.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that a one?

Jorja/Indigo: Yes.

Steven/Andres: Fucking up our backstories!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In fact, when was the last time you saw something handwritten? Everything’s been texted. You have no idea what anybody’s handwriting looks like.

Jorja/Indigo: Correct.

Olive/Daryl: Hey, Daryl writes all the time.

Jorja/Indigo: Not to me.

Olive/Daryl: No, not to you, but I’ve written notes in front of you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hopefully he doesn’t. Wait, do you?

Jorja/Indigo: I don’t care.

Olive/Daryl: Daryl is writing any chance he gets. He gets out his little notepad and he writes down what’s happening. It’s like his little diary.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t recognise the handwriting.

Jorja/Indigo: Well, it’ll probably be fine. I’m going to open it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is pretty short. Just a couple of sentences. All it says is, ‘Please stop looking for me. I’m doing okay. I’m finding my way. Look after yourself.’ You’ve levelled up. You’ve levelled up to level four.

Jorja/Indigo: I have. I took a feat: Spell Sniper, so I can make my spells go further. So, I can stand further back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wise. 

Jorja/Indigo: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, it doubles the range of your spells, right?

Jorja/Indigo: Yes, it does do that. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it gives you a cantrip?

Jorja/Indigo: ‘When you cast spells that require you to make an attack roll, the range is doubled. Ranged spell attacks ignore half cover and three quarters cover, and you learn a cantrip from’ either Bard, Warlock, Druid - the other ones. I took the bard option because it’s Charisma.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to leave Indigo with that letter.

Jorja/Indigo: Great.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As we move onto Pookie.

[eclectic synthwave plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the gutters. Where do you stay? Where do you sleep

Rosie/Pookie: Woah, that was such a… Well, I-

[laughter]

Olive/Daryl: Valid question, you mean?

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah. Well, some nights I will sleep in, as you say, the gutters, but not in the gutter. Just in a convenient alley. Usually one that has that - you know that thing that heats up rooms? I will sleep near one of the things that let the air out.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The vents outside the laundromat?

Rosie/Pookie: Yes, yes exactly. Or I’ll go into where my little friend. The one that gives me milk. Sometimes he lets me sleep under the counter when his father doesn’t notice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re asleep there when he’s on the shifts?

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He does the day shifts because he is a child, so you sleep during the day and then explore at night?

Rosie/Pookie: A little bit of both.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, it’s Friday. The day before our Saturday meet-up. What's a Friday like for Pookie?

Rosie/Pookie: Fridays are very exciting, particularly because everyone gets drunk, and then they all see a cute, little cat on the street and feed it. So, Pookie’s day will start by trotting on in to the convenience store, greeting her little friend.

Tyrone/Child: “Hello little kitty.”

Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “

Tyrone/Child: “You want the milk?

Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “ Pookie doesn’t talk to them.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, fair. 

Tyrone/Child: “I’ll go get the milk.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They put down their Nintendo Switch and run over. It’s this… Fuck, how old is this child? Seven! He’s this seven year old half-orc. 

Rosie/Pookie: Lovely.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, he’ll run over and get the milk and put it down. Just stare at you while you drink the milk.

Rosie/Pookie: I give him the most loving look I can get from my cold eyes.”

Tyrone/Child: “ *excited noises* “

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to run around the store.

Rosie/Pookie: Okay, so I drink my milk, and then I give him the amount of attention and affection I know will make him keep wanting me to come back to have milk. It’s an exchange.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course.

Rosie/Pookie: Yep. As everything is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you just get the milk and run away?

Rosie/Pookie: No, no, no. I get the milk. I go up to him, give him some little head boops, snuggle up in his arms for a bit, get some little cuddles, and make him feel wanted and loved by me, and then I skedaddle. 

Tyrone/Child: “Bye kitty!”

Rosie/Pookie: Now I’m off to see Terrance.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where is Terrance?

Rosie/Pookie: Terrance is either going to be on Little Collins Street, Little Bourke Street, or the little alley that’s just behind Bourke Street that’s behind the David Jones building. “Terrance? Terrance my boy, where are you?”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Pookie, is that you?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Oh yes, it certainly is Terrance. How are you doing on this fine day?”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Now look what the cat dragged in.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Oh Terrance, you get me.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “What’s the word on the street?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Honestly, I was going to ask you the same thing. I’ve just gotten up. I’ve had my little drink of milk, and now I’ve come to find you. I was hoping that you had some news.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Well, still no word of Em, Babe, or Dickhead. We’ve been looking.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I thought as much. I did my little calls to them last night and they did not come.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “You’ll find them one day.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Now, I think I do have a job for you Terrance. I would like you to find any information that you can on a certain organisation that I’ve stumbled upon.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Yes?”

Rosie/Pookie: “No, in it for you is a promised bowl of milk and even some salami sticks.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Make it two salami sticks.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Deal.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “I’m in. What is this organisation?”

Rosie/Pookie: “So, the organisation, it’s looking into - obviously you know the change that happened around this city. It’s basically looking into that, and I just need to know if it is trustworthy, and if I can use it to find my family,, and how we as a cat society may use it to our benefit because the more of us get into it, the more we can control what it does.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Right, but you can talk to the humans.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes, which is why they would suspect me of trying to find information. If you’re there, you’re just a cat.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “And they won’t just kick out the cat? Every time I try to walk into that convenience store they just kick me.”

Rosie/Pookie: “No, no, no, no, no. You need to finesse the way you look at them with your eyes. There’s a certain kind of look. Like, you’ve been on the streets your whole life, Terrance. You don’t know the look when you want them to give you attention and love and food. You need to finesse it, and now we shall do a thirty minute workshop on how to do the look.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Rosie/Pookie: “Now, when you do the meow, do a little bit more high-pitched. A little more whiny, like you need something.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Rosie/Pookie: “Now, that is art.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “I’m going to start the investigation by checking out that place next door. Not the kebab shop, but the unleashed store next door - the empty plot.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes, yes, a marvellous idea Terrance. You know my convenience store?”

Tyrone/Terrance: “The one with the child?”

Rosie/Pookie: “There is a door there that looks like it has lots of milk. It looks like heaven, but there’s nothing. Behind that door is everything.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “A fake milk door. They just love teasing us cats. Why is there a door behind there? Obviously we’re going to open the milk fridge.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I know. Anyone in their right mind would open the milk fridge.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Me and the cat squad will get on it.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Thank you very much Terrance, and you shall be compensated, and I shall bring you enough milk for everyone.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you do with that one point two five litre milk that you had?

Steven/Andres: Straight down the gullet.

Rosie/Pookie: It’s in an alley.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can’t figure out how to open it.

Rosie/Pookie: Yes, well no. No, Indigo opened it for me, and I like to think that the cap has been screwed on enough that I can flick it open with my nose.

Olive/Daryl: How do you put it back on?

Rosie/Pookie: With my teeth.

Jorja/Indigo: With her opposable thumbs.

Olive/Daryl: Let’s look at this realistically.

Rosie/Pookie: Yes.

Olive/Daryl: It’s Friday.

Rosie/Pookie: Yes.

Olive/Daryl: And you got that milk on Saturday morning.

Rosie/Pookie: I’m a cat. I’ve been eating mice.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, but mice and off milk are two very different milk.

Tyrone/Terrance: “I’ve been eyeing off those chips at the kebab shop.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Oh, I actually have an in for the kebab shop now.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “What!? How do I get some?”

Rosie/Pookie: “I shall ask my friend Indigo.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “I must meet her at once.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Oh actually, as it happens, I am meeting up with them this Saturday as part of the organisation I told you about.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “I’ll just happen to be waiting out the front.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Sounds splendid to me. I’ll suggest very subtly that we make a detour to the dirty meat shop.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “Alright, I’m ready. *meows* “

Rosie/Pookie: “Perfect Terrance.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And he runs away. Saturday morning.

[upbeat synthwave music]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We agreed to meet there at seven thirty.

Jorja/Indigo: Indigo’s there at seven thirty.

Steven/Andres: I’m waiting to get picked up by Daryl, so it depends on when Daryl gets there.

Jorja/Indigo: You arrive at nine.

Olive/Daryl: Daryl is up at six o’clock and has himself a quick shower, grabs a bit of toast on the road. He will go and pick up Andres first, and then we’ll swing past near to where they dropped Indigo off because Indigo wanted a lift.

Jorja/Indigo: Indigo didn’t want a lift. She wanted a lift home, not there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, she wanted a lift home.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, that’s what I meant. 

Jorja/Indigo: Oh, so you know the vague area of where she lives. Yes. She did not tell you the right house.

Olive/Daryl: So, we’ll drive in that area, and as I drive past would we spot you there?

Jorja/Indigo: No, because I’m there early.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, okay. So, we’ll drive past.

Steven/Andres: “Yeah Daryl, I wouldn’t mind if we stopped by and got a coffee.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, a coffee is actually a brilliant idea. Yeah, yeah, let’s do it.”

Steven/Andres: “It might make us late, but I reckon that’s fine.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, no, it’s alright. They’ll happily wait for us. I mean, I did try to push for… We’ve got till seven- It’ll be fine. A couple minutes late. We’ll be alright.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maccas drive-through.

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, yeah. A cheeky maccas run.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get to Maccas and it’s a line out to the road.

Jorja/Indigo: It’s Nancy.

Steven/Andres: Nancy is on the till.

Tyrone/Nancy: “Hi, how can I take your order?”

Olive/Daryl: We’ll order two coffees. “Whatever you want, mate.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, thanks Daryl.”

Olive/Daryl: “Do you want a hash brown too.”

Steven/Andres: “Of course.”

Olive/Daryl: “Two hashbrowns.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “Two hashbrowns. What sort of coffee?”

Olive/Daryl: “Just a simple, nice cappuccino. Skim milk for me.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “Any sugars?”

Olive/Daryl: “No, thank you.”

Steven/Andres: “I’ll get a caramel macchiato.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “We don’t do those. Caramel latte?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, alright.”

Tyrone/Nancy: “Please drive through to the next window.”

Olive/Daryl: “Thank you.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anyway, Nancy’s there. An old goliath lady with a bad hip. We get to the convenience store.

Olive/Daryl: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But in the meantime, Indigo’s been waiting out the front of the convenience store?

Jorja/Indigo: She’s going to see if it’s open.

Rosie/Pookie: Pookie’s inside. 

Jorja/Indigo: Somehow.

Rosie/Pookie: The boy lets me sleep overnight sometimes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is a twenty-four hour.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay, sweet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There is a random cat hanging out the front too that’s very affectionate.

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: “Hiya.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes Terrance.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Do you need something?”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Steven/Andres: ‘Five stars. No notes. Brilliant.’

Jorja/Indigo: “What do you need, little guy?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’ll circle around your legs and paw at the door.

Jorja/Indigo: To where?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: To the convenience store.

Jorja/Indigo: Oh, okay. “You need to go in the convenience store?”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay.” I’ll open the door.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He runs in and immediately runs over to the milk fridge.

Jorja/Indigo: That’s not a good sign. “Do you need milk?”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: She’s going to take her newly stolen backpack off and take out one of the little containers that she bought and the milk that she’s kept in the fridge so she can give it to Pookie, and pour some out for this new cat.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is this new milk, or is this week old milk?

Jorja/Indigo: Week old milk. Milk lasts more than a week.

Rosie/Pookie: Pookie appears. 

Tyrone/Child: “Hi Pookie! Oh, you have a friend. Who’s your friend? Isn’t this cat so cute?”

Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “ I look at Indigo like, ‘Sorry, I cannot talk to you right now.

Jorja/Indigo: “Hi Pookie.”

Rosie/Pookie: *whispering* “Hello.”

Tyrone/Child: “Isn’t this cat so cute?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah, do you hang out with the cat a lot?”

Tyrone/Child: “I always give it milk and salami sticks, but don’t tell my dad.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I won’t. I won’t.”

Rosie/Pookie: I would like to point out that Pookie did get the zoomies last night, so there is some product on the floor.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What?

Rosie/Pookie: Midnight zoomies.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course. 

Tyrone/Child: “I don’t know who this other cat is though.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Me either. It seems friendly though. Okay, how much are your salami sticks?”

Rosie/Pookie: With my Telepathy, I put into Indigo’s head…

[laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Your Telepathy Pookie, what’s this?

Rosie/Pookie: Segue! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s your segue?

Rosie/Pookie: Well, I’m so glad you asked. In my little, cheeky level up I got the feat: Telepathy, so now I can talk in people’s heads and cast Detect Thoughts whenever I want without any spell slots. It’s also cool because if my collar gets stolen I can still talk, kind of.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You assume. Have you tried it?

Rosie/Pookie: No, but if the magic came through and made me a little bit smarter, it’s not just the collar, then it would work.

Jorja/Indigo: Also, if Rosie read Telepathy, she would know the answer.

Rosie/Pookie: I did read it, and I don’t know the answer. What’s the answer Jorja? Please help.

Jorja/Indigo: You don’t have to share a language for them to understand what you’re saying.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, cute. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can speak cat and they’ll understand.

Jorja/Indigo: They’ll get the gist. It’s not perfect.

Rosie/Pookie: Heck yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you speak telepathically to Indigo.

Rosie/Pookie: “Hello Indigo, it is me, Pookie, inside your head. I would just like you to know that this is my friend Terrance. He is in charge of my little network of cats, and I cannot speak in front of this boy because then I won’t get all of the food that I need because he will think that I am strange.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Terrance is looking at you two drinking his milk.

Jorja/Indigo: Indigo does not know if she can talk back, so she thinks in her head: “Okay, I understand.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I assume that you assume what I have said. I shall now leave your head. Bye bye.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Daryl and Andres walk through the door.

Jorja/Indigo: I bought a bunch of salami sticks. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They walk in and you’re holding salami sticks.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m feeding one to Terrance.

Olive/Daryl: “Ah, ten minutes early still. I can’t believe we actually made it. Traffic was pretty nice.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Did you guys go to McDonalds?”

Olive/Daryl: “We did. We got a cheeky coffee.”

Steven/Andres: “And a cheeky hash brown.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, you weren’t supposed to mention the cheeky hash brown, you…”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, come on Daryl.”

Olive/Daryl: “It was a good hash brown, actually.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Which McDonalds did you go to?”

Olive/Daryl: “Actually not too far from where we dropped you off the other night. Kind of around the corner. We had to cut through there, so I thought I knew there was a Maccas, so I figured we’d pop in there.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Nice.”

Olive/Daryl: “Why do you ask?”

Jorja/Indigo: “I was just trying to make small talk.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, I see.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I’m never doing it again.”

Steven/Andres: Can I do an insight into that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure, roll an Insight if you want to roll a Deception Indigo.

Steven/Andres: Ah shit.

Olive/Daryl: “You did very good. It was a good topic of conversation. I liked that.”

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: Oh dear. Twelve.

Jorja/Indigo: I rolled my minimum of eighteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A minimum of ten plus eight?

Jorja/Indigo: Yes.

Steven/Andres: Brutal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does that work again, with the minimum of ten?

Jorja/Indigo: So, with the college that I have selected, with any Deception or Persuasion roll I roll, if I roll a one through nine I treat it as a ten, but I rolled a ten. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay.

Jorja/Indigo: It was legitimate.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noted. 

Steven/Andres: A dirty, rotten ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You think nothing of it. Just, ‘Yep, interested in the Maccas.’

Steven/Andres: She’s eighteen. They’re all about the Maccas.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s another door in the corner of this convenience store, which now that it’s open you can see leads to some stairs, and the orc is going to stomp down.

Tyrone/Thorne: “Ah, you’re here.”

Jorja/Indigo: I am going to.. Just because I heard the kid say, ‘Don’t tell him about the cat.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, yeah.

Jorja/Indigo: If I hear him coming down the stairs, can I Minor Illusion in front of the cats that it just looks like the normal store?

Olive/Daryl: That’s so good. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that within the realm of Minor Illusion?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, sure. ‘Create an image of an object such as a chair, muddy footprints, or a desk.’ Dammit!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You could probably cover one of the cats.

Jorja/Indigo: I will cover Terrance. I’ll cover it as if it was my bag sitting there, and then I’m going to take my bag off and put it where it was to actually cover it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. So, wait a second. There’s a backpack on your back and then there’s an extra backpack on the ground.

Jorja/Indigo: I cast Minor Illusion as I’m taking the bag off in case he sees it as I’m putting it down.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s not noticing. He’s still asleep.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay perfect.

Tyrone/Thorne: “Come on Cameron. Calm down, calm down. It’s too early for this. Is that a cat in my store? Oh, it’s you Pookie. It’s okay.”

Rosie/Pookie: No response.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No response?

Rosie/Pookie: Nope. No talkies to them. They don’t know secrets.

Tyrone/Thorne: “Oh!”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Finger to nose.

Tyrone/Thorne: “Let’s go down.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, we’re going to go down through the milk fridge to the basement.

Jorja/Indigo: I’ll go last so that I can pick up my bag when no-one can see.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Terrance is going to try to sneak down.

Jorja/Indigo: Do I see him?

Steven/Andres: ‘Ah! There’s another cat.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a Perception. I’ll roll a Stealth.

Steven/Andres: Is this to see whether we see the cat?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. Anyone who wants to can roll a Perception to see Terrance can.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Indigo: Seventeen.

Rosie/Pookie: Twenty-three.

Steven/Andres: Twenty-one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Terrance rolled a nine.

Steven/Andres: So stealthy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Terrance is a fat cat.

Steven/Andres: This chonkers is trying to be stealthy down the stairs. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He doesn’t get seen by Thorne though.

Jorja/Indigo: Can I try to grab Terrance. *whispering* “What are you doing?”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Steven/Andres: “Why is there another cat here? Pookie, is that one of your friends?”

Rosie/Pookie: *whispering* “Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh. Everyone, this is my friend Terrance. Terrance is helping to figure some things out about this organisation. We must keep Terrance a secret.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I unzip my bag and put Terrance in.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: *whispering* “Shh.”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to cast Mage Hand.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay?

Steven/Andres: Can I pull the cat up, and my Mage Hand is a skeletal hand. Very similar to my chill Touch. So, it’s going to go over and pull the cat out of the bag. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I feel like this maybe a Sleight of Hand contest to see who can shove it in the bag first versus grab it out of the bag first. 

Steven/Andres: Sure.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: Fourteen.

Jorja/Indigo: Fifteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The bag shuts before the hand can get in.

Steven/Andres: Rude.

Jorja/Indigo: And then I cast Mage Hand and flip you off. 

Steven/Andres: Well, I’m just going to tell the orc guy, What’s his name?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah? Thorne?

Steven/Andres: Thorne. “Ah, Thorne. I think we’ve got a stowaway.”

Tyrone/Thorne: “Who’s there?”

Jorja/Indigo: “I found this cat on the street.”

Steven/Andres: “There’s a cat in the bag.”

Jorja/Indigo: “So, I put him in my bag because he kept following us, but I didn't want him to get hurt.”

Tyrone/Thorne: “I keep telling that kid to stop bringing in cats. This is how we ended up with you though, I guess.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Hello.”

Tyrone/Thorne: “Leave it upstairs.”

Jorja/Indigo: “It’ll be fine upstairs in your store with just your son watching?”

Tyrone/Thorne: “Cameron will get rid of it.”

Jorja/Indigo: “In what way?”

Tyrone/Thorne: “Chuck him out. He’s not killing a cat. Jesus.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I should hope that you’re not killing a cat.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, I mean, it’s pretty easy to.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Excuse me.”

Olive/Daryl: “I’m just joking.”

Steven/Andres: “Good one Daryl.”

Olive/Daryl: “Thank you. Goodness gracious. Could we just get along!? We have a very busy day ahead of us.”

Jorja/Indigo: “You’re the one who wanted to move back our start time.” I’m going to unzip my bag. “Go away Terrance.”

Steven/Andres: “Get out of here Terrance.”

Tyrone/Terrance: “ *meows* “

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Terrance will oblige and run up the stairs.

Rosie/Pookie: I give Terrance a meaningful look of, ‘Do it,’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Do it.’ What? He runs up.

Steven/Andres: Do what?

Rosie/Pookie: Investigate.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jonika will be there as well, as well as the minotaur - unnamed minotaur. 

Tyrone/Jonika: “Alright, alright, alright, alright. Are you guys ready for the plan?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “You guys are all wearing your citizen’s clothes. Good start.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes, clothes.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “I like that. Good joke.”

Jorja/Indigo: A little jacket.

Tyrone/Jonika: “So, we’re just going to go in as regular residents because it’s open to the public, so we go in from there. There’s a big tree in the middle I’ve seen, so I reckon that stuff’s in there. It’s the centre of the city, so I reckon that's important, right?”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, it’ll most likely be the focal point of the whole visit. If it’s the centre of the city, and it’s where the hustle and bustle is, wouldn’t we want to be looking in different areas? Of course keep an eye in there. Absolutely, there could be something that goes on, but with my experience with reconnaissance work, you need your finger in every pie. You’ve got to make sure that everyone’s around everything.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “So, you guys are going to split up?”

Olive/Daryl: “I reckon that’s the best way to do it personally.”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to recast my Mage Hand and I’m going to go, “Well, I’ve got fifteen fingers.”

Rosie/Pookie: Good use.

Olive/Daryl: “That’s a lot of fingers.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “It’s going to be useful. Fifteen pies.”

Steven/Andres: “We can cover a lot of pies.”

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to cast Mage Hand and Minor Illusion. “I have twenty.”

Steven/Andres: I’m also going to cast Minor Illusion.

[laughter]

Tyrone/Thorne: “Can we get on with it now?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “Slay.”

Olive/Daryl: “Children, am I right?”

Tyrone/Thorne: “Honestly.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s like Andres’s age.

Tyrone/Jonika: “Maybe split up into teams. Like, stealth team…”

Jorja/Indigo: “Stealth team.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Stealth team.”

Olive/Daryl: “I don’t think that’s a brilliant idea.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “No?”

Jorja/Indigo: “What?”

Rosie/Pookie: “But you just said to split up.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “Yeah.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, I know I said that, but the second I saw the two of you next to each other I immediately recognised my mistake.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Which was? Please spell it out for us.”

Steven/Andres: “How do you think the teams should be Daryl?”

Olive/Daryl: “Actually, you know what? You two present a very solid point. I’m sorry to have judged so quickly. Let’s say that they would be a fantastic trial run for everyone to trust each other a little bit, so if you two would like to pair up and find some very important knowledge for us, I’m more than happy to let you two go off and do that.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thanks, we were going to do it anyway.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, that’s not in the team spirit, but alright.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Well, that was before you said that thing about trust.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “I picked up these radios so that we can talk to each other. Old school like you said.”

Olive/Daryl: “Fantastic, beautiful.”

Jorja/Indigo: *radio* “Breaker, breaker!” Sorry.

Steven/Andres: “I thought you said that you didn’t want the knowledge on radio waves.”

Jorja/Indigo: “They didn’t want the knowledge on media devices.”

Olive/Daryl: “We can make a secure line with this one.”

Rosie/Pookie: “My question is how would a cat carry a radio?”

Tyrone/Jonika: “Can I clip it to your collar?”

Rosie/Pookie: How big is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like a phone size.

Rosie/Pookie: It’s going to weigh down on the neck a bit. I mean, realistically it would.

Tyrone/Jonika: “Okay fine, no radio. Whatever.”

Rosie/Pookie: “They could all have radios, and I could simply do what I will.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yes.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I was going to say we’re a team, so I’ll have a radio, so Pookie will be there.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “As long as you guys don’t split up.”

Jorja/Indigo: “We would never.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Absolutely not.”

Olive/Daryl: “First opportunity that they get.”

Steven/Andres: You know that and I know, but Daryl and Andres don’t know that.

Olive/Daryl: No, no. Absolutely not.

Rosie/Pookie: I’ll see a fly.

Tyrone/Jonika: “I’m not sure if they are going to use the tree because all the articles I’ve read say it’s going to be a Ren Fair situation, so there’s going to be these stalls around the city, but I don’t know if you’re allowed to go into any building. Like, stalls on the outside. Find out what you can. Sneak into where you’re not allowed.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, the most difficult part will be determining where we are and aren’t allowed because they will manipulate their city. I mean, no-one’s really seen it.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “Yeah, exactly. Isn’t it exciting?”

Olive/Daryl: “It is exciting, but it’s also kind of daunting because we’ve got no idea what we’re walking into. They’re going to manipulate it to look like everything is where it should be in where we’re allowed to go. We need to break through that wall to find where we’re not supposed to be, so that will be fine. Andres, i don’t know if you want to pair up or not, or if you would like to split so that we can cover more ground. Because I think it makes perfect sense for these two to go as a team. Splitting them up and then letting them go to their own devices is a recipe for disaster.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Excuse me, I don’t quite understand.”

Jorja/Indigo: “A cat and a child!? A cat and a child on their own?”

Steven/Andres: “Now you’ve done it, Daryl.”

Olive/Daryl: “But grouping them together and making them responsible for one another. Hopefully they’ll come through.”

Steven/Andres: “We’ve got radio contact. I reckon we’ll be alright.”

Olive/Daryl: “We will never hear from them again.”

Jorja/Indigo: Turning it off immediately.

Steven/Andres: Oh my god. “No, I meant between us, so three teams we’ve got.”

Olive/Daryl: “I reckon that’s the smarter way to go.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “So, the first barrier that you’ve got to get through, of course, is the police checkpoint because they’re doing bag checks still to get in. They have a police checkpoint, and then you’ve got to scope out the city. Get in and then get out if you don’t get caught. If you get caught, don’t trace it back to us.”

Olive/Daryl: “Question though, will they have metal detectors there?”

Jorja/Indigo: “I mean, if they have them for concerts, I think that they’ll have them for this.”

Olive/Daryl: “Alright then.”

Steven/Andres: “I guess it depends who’s organising it will depend on if it gets in or not. Is it fairies organising people to come in, or is it in conjunction with the Australian government?”

Tyrone/Jonika: “No, no, no. It’s the Melbourne police.”

Steven/Andres: “Okay, so they probably will then.”

Olive/Daryl: “They most definitely will, yes.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “Sniffer dogs.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yep.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I mean, that’s fine.”

Tyrone/Jonika: “Alright!”

Olive/Daryl: “Alright then, shall we get going? Has everyone had breakfast?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, I had a coffee and a hash brown.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, beautiful. You’ve eaten, Indigo?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes.”

Steven/Andres: ‘Yes dad.’

Olive/Daryl: I would like to roll an Insight.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Go for it lovey.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: Twenty-two.

Jorja/Indigo: Twenty-three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Damn.

Jorja/Indigo: Fifteen plus eight. 

Tyrone/Jonika: “Oh yeah, you can probably walk down too. You can leave the car here. It’ll be easier. It’s in the city. It’s opposite the NGV, yeah?”

Olive/Daryl: “We’ll hop on the tram.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I shall need to be hidden in someone’s bag in that case, I believe.”

Jorja/Indigo: *zip noise*

Olive/Daryl: “If there's anything in that bag that can’t go through a metal detector, you can leave it in my car because I need to deposit my gun.”

[laughter]

Olive/Daryl: “I won’t be sneaking that through.”

Jorja/Indigo: “There are eighteen plastic containers, some milk, and some salami sticks.”

Olive/Daryl: “I think you might be right.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does anyone else have any contraband?

Steven/Andres: Nope.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nope.

Steven/Andres: I’ve just got my school backpack and my Japanese For Dummies.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay.

Jorja/Indigo: I will put my drumsticks in Daryl’s car, and I’m going to put them under a seat, and I’m going to make sure that Daryl doesn’t see which seat I put them under.

Olive/Daryl: I’ll also pull out a spare leash that I have in the back of the car as well. I’ll take that and I’ll wind it up and I’ll hand it over to Indigo. “Just in case the cast’s not allowed to be off leash, you can pop it on.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thank you.”

Olive/Daryl: “Put that in the bag, but hopefully we can get through just fine. We won’t resort to that for you just yet.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why do you have a leash? Do you have a pet? You’ve never mentioned one.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, of course. I’ve had pets: cats; dogs; the whole fucking shebang. We had chickens at one point.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anything currently?

Olive/Daryl: Not at the moment, no, but I always keep a leash in the car just in case there’s a stray dog that needs to be picked up.

Rosie/Pookie: That’s so wholesome.

Steven/Andres: Oh my god, he’s such a saint.

Jorja/Indigo: If it’s a stray dog, would they have a collar? So, you have a collar and a leash?

Olive/Daryl: She has a collar on.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, but you - if it’s a stray dog - what if it doesn’t have a collar?

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, well then I’ve got the collar, but I don’t need the collar. The collar can stay in the car.

Jorja/Indigo: That was what my question was.

Olive/Daryl: Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jorja/Indigo: I’m just trying to get a read on him.

Steven/Andres: He’s just a wholesome guy. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s get on the tram down Swanston Street down to the NGV.

Olive/Daryl: Sure thing.

[tram dings and moves past]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber, Steven Edwards as Andres, Olive Jerome as Daryl, Rosemary Ochtman as Pookie, and Jorja Odd as Indigo. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on a bunch of social media, including Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and Patreon. All of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Steven/Andres: “I’ll get a caramel macchiato.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a Starbucks order, babes. That’s not a Maccas order.

Steven/Andres: No, it’s not.

Olive/Daryl: Macchiato isn’t served at Mac-Donalds? Crazy

Tyrone/Nancy: We can do macchia-

Steven/Andres: How about a McChiato? [Mc + Macchiato]

Olive/Daryl: I’d like a McMacchiato!

-

Olive/Daryl: And his partner and their kids are fairies.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, but what is their race? I’m sorry.

Steven/Andres: I was thinking the same thing, especially because you said partner.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.