Episode 5: Reconnaissance

The party begins their investigation of Lambence, the Wayfarers’ City as it finally opens its gates to the people of Melbourne. Andres makes a startling discovery about his magic, while Indigo and Pookie cause mischief. Daryl does some (not so) undercover work, and a few old faces crop up.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language.

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Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber is Tyrone Cross      

Andres is Steven Edwards

Daryl is Olive Jerome

Pookie is Rosemary Ochtman

Indigo is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant.

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Our ad partner this week is The Dungeon Boiz!

https://open.spotify.com/show/2tw4Samu1BtFSktscHJRzt?si=52b126e1cf1347b9 

Listener names in this episode include:

Thorne - @thethornefilespodcast

Erin - @erin_niddrie

Celestor - @celestor13

Sound effects used in this episode include:

190621_0380_FR_JapaneseDrums - kevp888

Berlin Town - Synthwave Track for Retrowave and Games - kjarten_abel

Bleating Goats - seenms

intro_snow4 - levelclearer

Nostromo17 - levelclearer

Sun40 - levelclearer

High heels on wooden floor - avakas

Cinematic Mystery Synth - DeVern

Light Bulb Pops - CGEffex

90's Rock Style - monkeyman535

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Tyrone: Portal Quandary has some content warnings, which you can find in the episode description.

Steven/Chaz: Weeeelcome back to Two Birds on a Wire! I’m Chaz,

Tyrone/Rango: And I’m Rango.

Steven/Chaz: We’re here to bring all the latest on all things weird in this strange new world, and boy howdy have we got some exciting stuff for you today folks.

Tyrone/Rango: I still can’t believe it’s actually happening - but I’m sure you all know of the big tower that appeared in Melbourne going on seven months ago now, yeah?

Steven/Chaz: Pretty hard to miss, I think. There have been a number of attempts by brave and foolish to scale the wall around it, but the city of Melbourne seems as dedicated to the people inside the tower at making sure nobody gets over that thing, so sadly, any attempts to figure out what’s going on in there have been unsuccessful.

Tyrone/Rango: Even those who’ve gotten a handle on their wings faster than we did didn’t have much luck with a fly-over - even the airspace around the tower has been tightly regulated. If you’re curious about what new rules and regulations are in place for fliers, tune in to episode six where we go in-depth on how to make sure you’re not copping any fines while you’re getting your wings under control.

Steven/Chaz: But back to the tower, Rango - they’re finally opening their doors!

Tyrone/Rango: It’s pretty wild - we get hardly  anything from them and now they want to throw a big celebration and welcome people in!

Steven/Chaz: Reports say they call it ‘Moving Day’ even though they’re - allegedly - not going anywhere. The police are working closely with the tower, which has been introduced as ‘Lambence’ and it seems like everything is on the level in terms of this big fair day, but I still have some suspicions.

Tyrone/Rango: Yeah - I don’t know that I see everybody just flocking in, but you have to admit a lot of us are curious about what - and who - is behind that wall. I predict the turnout will be nothing to shake a stick at.

Steven/Chaz: So are you going, Rango?

Tyrone/Rango: Oath! You think I’d miss this? I’d have to turn in my investigative badge if I didn’t take the chance! Who knows if they’ll close up their doors for another six months after this? Are you going?

Steven/Chaz: Reports say it’s a festival of sorts. If there’s food, you can count me in.

Tyrone/Rango: There you have it folks. The ‘Moving Day’ Festival in Lambence is set to take place on Sunday, and the doors are set to open at nine am so make sure you get up nice and early if you want a chance to peek inside.

Steven/Chaz: Up next! Bullseye is attempting a comeback by opening a new line that accommodates more of the new body shapes and sizes that have come with the Shift. They’ve reopened some of their larger outlets to trial the line, and I did go to their grand reopening to check out this line myself. I have opinions. Which you’ll hear right after the break! This is Chaz.

Tyrone/Rango: And Rango! And you’re listening to-

Both: Two Birds on a Wire.

[funky guitar music] 

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

[melodic chiming music plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lambence the Wayfarers’ City is this towering structure as tall as any skyscraper in Melbourne in the parkland opposite the NGV - the National Gallery of Victoria. It has been a mystery in Melbourne for the past six months. It’s just standing there with no windows, nowhere to look inside. It’s been closed off by the police for the past six months, but today is the first day that it is open to the public. It is concert lines out the door. There’s barricades, metal fencing around it, and then it goes into the queues. 

Rosie/Pookie: Do people have to pay to get in?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it is free. Welcome everybody to Lambence the Wayfarers’ City. We’ve just gotten off the tram at the Arts Precinct stop just opposite Lambence and just opposite the art gallery.

Olive/Daryl: “Now, don’t forget you’re not supposed to tap off on the trams. You only tap on if you’re tapping.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you Daryl.

Jorja/Indigo: Indigo did not tap on.

Rosie/Pookie: Pookie is a cat.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Pookie just walking around, or is Pookie in a bag or a little backpack or anything?

Rosie/Pookie: No, just hanging out.

Jorja/Indigo: I think the plan is when we’re going in you’re going to go into my backpack.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, but for now, free range.

Rosie/Pookie: Free range cat.

Olive/Daryl: Free range Pookie.

Steven/Andres: Bag search?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about.

Rosie/Pookie: It’s free. They wouldn’t bag search for a free event. They wouldn’t have the manpower.

Jorja/Indigo: It’s okay, I’ll create a diversion. Oh, but they’re fairies… Fuck.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Crossing the road to the parkland, the queues almost immediately start, but there are Melbourne information people in the red outfits and the red hats. They're out there giving pamphlets to everyone.

Tyrone/Guide: “Hi, are you here for the Lambence open day? Here’s a pamphlet.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh yeah, thanks so much.” I’ll take one. What am I looking at?

Jorja/Indigo: It’s a pamphlet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve got a rough map of the city, so you can it has this massive tree. You wouldn’t have known there was a massive tree in the middle except for this map, and it has layers to it, so there’s cross-sections to the map showing you the different layers of the city. Some things to do today include the tea ceremony. They’ve got some stalls. They’ve got the museum you can visit. You can go check out one of the new magic schools.

Steven/Andres: I’ll write that down.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can visit the king in his throne room.

Rosie/Pookie: Can I see my family anywhere? Are they here?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a Perception.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: Yep, that was a solid fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh. Yeah, I tried.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re like, ‘Is that them? No. Is that them? No.’

Steven/Andres: So, all those things you described such as the magic school and whatnot, they’re all in the pamphlet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, they’re in the pamphlet. There’s little briefs about them all. You’re welcome to read them. I’m not going to read the entire pamphlet to you, but you can ask about anything in particular. 

Steven/Andres: I would like to ask about the magic school.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes?

Steven/Andres: What does the paragraph say?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘The Lambence School of Magic has been set up by the Head of Magic, previously the Head of Moving Day, Thaumus.’ It’s one word. There’s no last name. ‘Thaumus has taken it upon themselves to set up a school to teach all of these new people with magic that don’t know how to use it how to use it.’

Steven/Andres: Me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Exactly, so maybe it interests you to go there today.

Steven/Andres: Oh, one hundred percent. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Help.’

Steven/Andres: ‘Help, I’ve got this woman. She talks to me sometimes.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Is that normal?’ Does anybody else have any questions about the pamphlet.
Olive/Daryl: I would definitely like to read about the king in the throne room. What does that entail?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, it’s going to say, ‘Lambence the Wayfarers’ City holds monthly tea ceremonies. We are reenacting one here for you today so that you can participate. You can visit the king in the throne room and partake in some tea with him.’

Rosie/Pookie: You mean ‘par-tea-ke’?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, I don’t.

Steven/Andres: No I do not. 

Olive/Daryl: No, we don’t.

Rosie/Pookie: Okay.

Jorja/Indigo: In no way whatsoever.

Steven/Andres: Has it got a little picture of the teapot in the pamphlet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Andres: Is it evil?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it’s-

Olive/Daryl: Is it available on the merch store?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is available on the merch store at Patreon.com/PortalQuandary. 

[Transcriber’s note: the correct website is in fact redbubble.com/people/PortalQuandary/shop?asc=u

Rosie/Pookie: Nice.

Olive/Daryl: Good plug. Got it in nice and early.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you. 

Steven/Andres: And really naturally.

Jorja/Indigo: Completely seamless.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m a natural. Any other questions?

Rosie/Pookie: Pookie’s just giving the pamphlet a bit of a smell.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pookie can’t read.

Rosie/Pookie: Of course not. Pookie’s a cat, Tyrone. Yeah so - with that in mind - Pookie is smelling the pamphlet, crinkling their little nose, and abruptly darting in another direction.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys have a runaway cat.

Steven/Andres: I don’t go after her.

Jorja/Indigo: I go after her.

Steven/Andres: I’m reading the pamphlet. “Daryl, they’ve got a school for magic.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, magic. That’s pretty cool.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah. You know, some of that stuff I was doing before.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, you do that magic stuff.”

Steven/Andres: “I think so.”

Olive/Daryl: “Are you going to go?”

Steven/Andres: “Absolutely. I’m going to check it and meet this Head of Magic and ex Moving Day person.”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, alright. Ex Moving Day? I suppose they won’t be moving any time soon. They’ve been here long enough, but you know I might check out the king’s throne room. I reckon that’ll be a good spot.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh yeah, go have some tea.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yes, start there and see if we can’t find any information somewhere lurking about. If it’s going to be anything, it’d be in the king’s throne room, surely.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, you’re very astute there Daryl.”

Olive/Daryl: “Stop it you- Alright, beautiful. So we-”

Steven/Andres: Do we notice this cat, or…?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I assume Indigo does. She’s been running after.

Jorja/Indigo: Yep.

Steven/Andres: Do we see it?

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, I imagine we see Indigo run off, and I look over and go, “Alright, bye then. I suppose we’ll meet up with her a little bit later.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, they must have found something interesting. They’re a team though. They’ll be alright.”

Olive/Daryl: “Surely. I have faith in them. I mean, she’s quiet, but she’s got a good head on her shoulders.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah.”

Olive/Daryl: “The cat though, I don’t know. Alright then, shall we get in then?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah.”

Olive/Daryl: “Beautiful. Alright, let’s do it.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Join the queue?

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, let’s line up. 

Steven/Andres: Which one of these cantrips will help me get in fast?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the line, from inside the city, you can hear drums. Like rhythmic drums in the distance. Do you guys just want to wait in line like a normal person?

Steven/Andres: I was hoping to speed it up a little bit, actually.

Olive/Daryl: “Have a little bit of patience there Andres.”

Steven/Andres: “Na.”

Olive/Daryl: “I know when you’re young the earth feels like it’s moving a million miles an hour, but you really do have all the time in the world. We’ve got all day to get in here and find out what’s going on. Before we thrust ourselves into the fire, let’s just take a moment to enjoy the nice, cool air on this lovely summer day.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Autumn. 

Olive/Daryl: “Autumn day. Beautiful.”

Jorja/Indigo: ‘Feels like summer though.’

Olive/Daryl: ‘Absolutely. Is it getting warmer or is the the earth burning up?’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘It’s just Melbourne weather, you know? Four seasons in one day.’

Olive/Daryl: ‘Oh yeah.’

Steven/Andres: Can I create an instantaneous sound that originates from a point of my choice within a range of ten feet. I want it to sound like a booming voice being like, *booming* “Come one, come all, to the magic school,” or some crap, and some people will hopefully leave the queue.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What? You know you’re still outside the city, yeah?

Steven/Andres: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a Performance.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: I am not proficient in Performance. I got thirteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get one or two people peek their head around. ‘What’s going on there?’

Steven/Andres: I immediately move into their space.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You moved forward in the queue approximately three spaces.

Steven/Andres: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes!

Olive/Daryl: “Keep going.”

Steven/Andres: “Daryl, I got us up thirty seconds.”

Olive/Daryl: “I know. That was fantastic. Keep going. Keep going. Try something else.”

Steven/Andres: I can have up to three of these effects at a time, so sure. Let’s- Can we see any windows in the wall?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. It’s just a wall. 

Steven/Andres: Okay. The sound was coming from the right, so on the left I want to create a small, green flame on the wall, and it’s going to flicker there for a bit. I’ll also make it make a little sound because that's three effects. Can I get a whoosh sound?

Olive/Daryl: “Make it sound like a whoo.”

Steven/Andres: Yeah, it goes whoo.

[ghostly whoosh sound]

Olive/Daryl: “Perfect. Brilliant.”

Steven/Andres: So, it’s just this green flame going whoo.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think everyone’s going to look up like, ‘Woah.’

Steven/Andres: I’m going to make it move away.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think you hear over the megaphone.

Steven/Andres: Balls.

Tyrone/Police Officer: *megaphone* “Whoever is doing that, please prohibit from using magic in public spaces. We won’t ask again.

Steven/Andres: “Fuck!”

Olive/Daryl: “Keep your voice down. Jesus Christ, Andres.”

Steven/Andres: “Sorry dad.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What is Pookie doing? Pookie’s run away.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, Pookie doing that thing that cat’s do where run and go *meow*. They make a little noise, and then once someone tried to walk up to them they think it’s a little game and they try to run further away. Sorry Indigo.

Jorja/Indigo: That’s okay. I cast Mage Hand and grab you.

Rosie/Pookie: “Oh. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Okay, I was playing a little game. It was a game. It was a fun, little game.”

Jorja/Indigo: “It’s okay. We can do it inside though, I think we should try to get through this line as quickly as possible.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Better idea: we climb the wall.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I think we should just go through the line. Here, watch this.” I’m going to grab Pookie in my actual arms and walk to the front of whatever line is next to me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: To the front?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, just walk to the front and to whoever’s there like, “I’m so sorry, but my mum and dad went inside without me because I stopped to grab this kitten. Do you mind if I go in front of you?”

Rosie/Pookie: I’m doing the cutest cat eyes as well. I look like a little angel.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a Persuasion with advantage because…

Steven/Andres: These bitches.

Olive/Daryl: Andres, we just don’t have rizz, mate. You know how the kids say rizz? We just don’t got it like these younguns do.

Steven/Andres: We have the same rizz.

Jorja/Indigo: Is this Persuasion or Deception?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, it is Deception, you're so correct. 

Jorja/Indigo: Yay.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Indigo: That is twenty-six.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled a ten Charisma Save.

Tyrone/Citizen: “Isn’t that the cutest little thing? Can I pet them?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Be very gentle.”

Rosie/Pookie: I’m telepathically saying to Indigo, “No, no, anything but a pat from that strange. Please, have they even sanitised?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They start petting. 

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay, that’s enough. I’ve got to go to my parents.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Thank you.”

Tyrone/Citizen: “Pookie, such a cute little name. Bye!”

Jorja/Indigo: How’d they know that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s on the name tag.

Jorja/Indigo: Oh, yeah. And I’ll walk in.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright.

Rosie/Pookie: That was so good.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get to the front of the line, and there’s police there. There’s going to be an actual tabaxi there, and a minotaur. There’s a tabaxi and a minotaur doing bag searches?

Tyrone/Tabaxi: “You’ve got a bag there? Can I see in?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yeah, sure.” I think there’s a walkie-talkie… No, my drumsticks are in my pocket. It’s a walkie-talkie and those containers and a bottle of milk.

Tyrone/Tabaxi: “No liquids inside. There’s milk inside.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Oh, okay.”

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, for like seven bucks.

Jorja/Indigo: Not if I steal it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s looking at the cat.

Rosie/Pookie: I raise my head a little bit and do a little purr and give him this cute little smile and go to rub up against their head. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think the tabaxi will accidentally - even without thinking - start purring. *purrs* 

Olive/Daryl: Reflexively purr?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, reflexively, yeah. Thank you. 

Tyrone/Tabaxi: “ *clears throat* In you go.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thank you.”

Steven/Andres: Is he a bit flushed?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A little bit. 

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to take out the walkie-talkie and be like, *radio* “Haha, beat you.”

Steven/Andres: I don’t respond.

Tyrone/Thorne: *radio* “Please only use this for official use.”

Jorja/Indigo: *radio* “That was official, thank you,” and I turn it off.

Olive/Daryl: *radio* “Sorry, what was that? Indigo, come in. I didn’t quite hear you, I’m sorry. I just missed it. What’s going on?”

Jorja/Indigo: I’ve turned it off.

Olive/Daryl: *radio* “Hello? Anyone?” *normal* “I don’t know if these things work, Andres. I think it might be busted.”

Steven/Andres: “I think it might be, actually. It’s okay, I think they got in. That’s what they said.”

Olive/Daryl: “Do you reckon they got them from K-Mart?”

Steven/Andres: “Probably.”

Olive/Daryl: “Classic.”

Tyrone/Thorne: *radio* “We didn’t have much of a budget. Over.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, we can still hear home base. Alright.”

Olive/Daryl: “Alright, good to know. Even though they’ve carved out an entire subsection of a dungeon underneath a convenience store, but they can't even afford proper microphones - or radios rather.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m assuming that’s not in the mic?

Olive/Daryl: Oh, god no. That has been put back in my pocket.

Steven/Andres: *radio* ‘And these guys are fucking idiots.’

Jorja/Indigo: After five minutes, I turn the radio back on because I assume that's when Daryl has done whatever spiel he would have done.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys at the front of the line, you get to the front and you’re like, ‘Right, how do we get in?’ And you realise there’s no door or anything, but the walkway is leading to an elevator. Like a mediaeval, wooden elevator.

Jorja/Indigo: Alright. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, in you get.

Jorja/Indigo: How many people are in the elevator?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The max capacity is twenty-five.

Steven/Andres: So, thirty? Thirty people crammed into the elevator?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are at the police check.

Steven/Andres: Us?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.

Tyrone/Tabaxi: “Can I see your bags, sir?”

Olive/Daryl: Do I recognise these police officers?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What check is that? That’s a check. Let’s go History. Why not? We’ll go History. 

Olive/Daryl: Alrighty then, let me do a little History check. Can I do anything but?

[laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Jorja/Indigo: Aren’t you a detective? Shouldn’t you have Intelligence?

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: I was a detective, and I don’t even need proficiency because I got a twenty-two. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh shit.

Jorja/Indigo: That’s pretty mid.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Even despite the fact that you haven’t been on the force since people turned into fantasy creatures, you do recognise old mate, the minotaur. This tabaxi must be a newer guy. The minotaur is like:

Tyrone/Leroy: “Daryl. Daryl, is that you?”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh my word, Leroy.”

Tyrone/Leroy: “Yeah, it’s Leroy.”

Olive/Daryl: “Thank you. I’m so glad you didn’t give me the name so I could have that opportunity.”

Tyrone/Leroy: “Exactly. I just wanted to make sure that you remembered me.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yeah, of course. How could I forget you? How have you been, lad?”

Tyrone/Leroy: “Oh, it hasn’t been the same without you.”

Olive/Daryl: “You don’t need to talk me up. It’s perfectly fine. I miss you too. I miss you too, but stuck on guard duty for you? I wouldn’t have assumed you’d be posted here.”

Tyrone/Leroy: “I must prefer the detective work, but sometimes you’ve got to do it.  They’ve got so many people working this one gig They’ve got all hands on deck.”

Olive/Daryl: “It’s a big event, and I’m sure that they wanted the best for security purposes.”

Tyrone/Leroy: “It’s going to be good security in there. It’s going to be a good show. I’m going to try to take my kids tomorrow.”

Olive/Daryl:  “Oh, very exciting. How are the little rascals?”

Tyrone/Leroy: “Oh, they’re pretty good. Putting horns on kids though, it’s a bit dangerous now, isn’t it?”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh god yeah, you don’t need to tell me about it. Anyway, I hope the day goes smoothly for you. If you don’t mind my friend here and I are just going to head on inside and take a little look. Going to scope the place out and make sure that it’s a safe environment for the wife and the grandkids. We might come by another day.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a Charisma check.

Olive/Daryl: Okey-dokey. It’s probably not my best, but…

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you roll?

Olive/Daryl: I rolled a sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s alright. I rolled a six.

Olive/Daryl: Beautiful.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Particularly Andres, you notice that you guys just walk through without getting bag-checked. 

Steven/Andres: Stunning.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you head up to the elevator, I guess. 

Olive/Daryl: As we’re walking along, if there’s a moment where no-one can overhear us, I’ll lean over to Andres and be like: “Look mate, if you do spot anything of interest that you… I’m not going to say that I’m necessarily endorsing theft, but if there’s anything that you find that may be worth valuable information from here, we’re not going to get checked on the way out. Just so you’re aware.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, righto. No worries. I mean, I’m not one to steal, but-”

Olive/Daryl: “I know that, Andres. I know you’re an upstanding bloke.”

Steven/Andres: “-If it’s for the mission, we’ll make an exception.”

Olive/Daryl: “For the mission.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys are getting led to a different elevator. You notice that there are multiple elevators on the outside. You guys at the top of the elevator, the drums are getting louder.

Rosie/Pookie: My hackles are immediately up.

Jorja/Indigo: I pat them back down.

Rosie/Pookie: Thank you. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you guys are at the ramparts of the building - the very top of Lambence. Everything seems to be made of stone, and there’s a lovely, little Melbourne information person at the top. 

Tyrone/Worker: “Hi guys, please make your way down the ramp. You can head down the ramp and stop anywhere you like along the way. This is mostly residential here, but if you head towards the lower parts, that’s where all the fun is.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Shall we go to the fun?”

Jorja/Indigo: “We shall.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Okay, let’s go to the fun.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I do like some fun.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, Lambence works in layers as I’ve described, and because it’s a city of fairies it’s hollow in the middle, so there’s barricades around the ramp. It’s a ramp that goes from the top and slowly goes all the way around until it gets to the bottom. It’s a long way down. 

Olive/Daryl: I kind of picture it similarly to the beehive from The Bee Movie, where everything is on the outside. All the residential areas, and then you’ve got the inner where the tree is, but it’s the factories and stuff in the beehive, and that’s how it all looks. Do you know what I mean?

Jorja/Indigo: I think of the colosseum. 

Olive/Daryl: Ah yeah, true. True, true, true. Beehive.

Jorja/Indigo: Same thing, really.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, everything was modelled after bees.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I see what you’re saying.

Steven/Andres: Do you like jazz?

Jorja/Indigo: Do you like jazz?

Olive/Daryl: Do you like jazz?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, the biggest landmark in the middle is this enormous tree that almost stretches to the top with these cherry-blossom pink leaves, and there’s a bit of a crowd at the bottom. About halfway down the ramp, you’ll notice there’s some sort of procession happening. There’s people following them with drums, and there’s people in robes with wings at the back walking. They're pretty far away, so you can’t tell too much. Do you guys start heading down?

Jorja/Indigo: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay. I guess eventually you guys get to the top. Anything you guys want to talk about on the way?

Steven/Andres: I was looking through my cantrips to try and create a harmless smell. I was going to make it seem like I farted in the elevator, so that people would leave us to go up the elevator alone. I don’t have one of those. I needed Prestidigitation, not Thaumaturgy. 

Olive/Daryl: Oh, that’s unfortunate. Good thinking, though. If you had told me about ten minutes before we got on the elevator I could have prepped. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No magic required.

Steven/Andres: Magic’s no match for this one. *toot* Clear the elevator.

Olive/Daryl: About ten years ago it used to be on command, but you know, age. But as we get up to the top of the elevator and we’ll walk off, I’ll pull out the walkie-talkie and go, “So, you’re going to go to the magic school, yes?”

Steven/Andres: “Yep.”

Olive/Daryl: “Wonderful. Alright, well I’m going to check out the king’s quarters. I’m going to update Indigo to find out what they’re doing. And then we’ll say-” I check the time. How long would it have taken us to get in there?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nine thirty, ten o’clock. 

Olive/Daryl: Ten am. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, we’ll say ten.

Olive/Daryl: “Let’s say that we’ll try to meet up around the central area of the tree-ish by about midday.”

Steven/Andres: “Alright, that sounds pretty good. Maybe just don’t use the radio until then in case they are in a place that they really shouldn’t be.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, I’ll give them a little call check just to update them, and then we’ll do twelve.”

Steven/Andres: “Alright, I’m going to turn my radio off.”

Olive/Daryl: “That sounds like a good plan. Alright.” I’ll pick up the radio. *radio* “Indigo, Indigo, come in.”

Jorja/Indigo: *radio* “Yeah?”

Olive/Daryl: *radio* “Hello. Just letting you know that I myself am going to the throne room and Andres has opted to go and check out the magic school. Just wanting your update on the location that you’ll be checking out, and to let you know as well that we’ll be meeting up at the tree by midday for a bit of a follow-up check-in.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Indigo, tell him to sit onto the throne because thrones are quite lovely to sit on.”

Jorja/Indigo: *radio* “We’re going to check out some stalls and talk to some people.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Indigo. Indigo.”

Jorja/Indigo: “And we’ll meet you at the tree, but there’s something really, really important I think you need to do. Pookie says you need to sit on the throne.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Thank you.”

Jorja/Indigo: And then I just turn it off. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Turn it off?

Jorja/Indigo: I turn it off.

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, that’s a pretty odd thing to say, isn’t it?

Olive/Daryl: “That is a very odd thing to say.” *radio* “Yeah look, if I get the opportunity to sit on the throne, I’m going to sit on it. It’s a throne, but we’ll check in at twelve. Keep your radios off until then. Over.”

Jorja/Indigo: I’m one step ahead, baby. You think I’m just really good at obeying. 

Rosie/Pookie: Into Indigo’s head, “Indigo, do you think that cat people that we saw earlier also keep cats as pets, or do they keep little humans as pets?”

Jorja/Indigo: “I feel like they might have cats because they feel like family.”

Rosie/Pookie: “That must be quite lovely.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Maybe on the way out we’ll ask them.”

Rosie/Pookie: “I think that’s a great idea because I do like the idea of meeting tiny, little humans my size.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I think that’s just babies. We’ll definitely look into it.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Okay, excellent. I’d love that.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, it seems like we all have our own agendas for today. Shall we roll an initiative to see who goes first?

Olive/Daryl: Let’s do it.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: I got a dirty, slutty twenty.

Olive/Daryl: I almost got a nat twenty, but instead I got five,

Jorja/Indigo: I got a twelve.

Rosie/Pookie: I got a sixteen. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That sounds very lovely. Even though the girly and the cat are in the front, we’re actually going to go with Andres first. 

Steven/Andres: I’m just so fucking fast. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m fast as fuck, boy. 

Steven/Andres: I’m fast as fuck, boy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you’re at the top of the elevator. Do you run away from Daryl?

Steven/Andres: I didn’t run. We walked in different directions. 

Olive/Daryl: Respectfully nodded as we parted ways.

Steven/Andres: And then walked in the same direction. 

Olive/Daryl: It’s twenty minutes of, “Oh, funny seeing you here.”

Steven/Andres: As you’re walking down the ramp-

Olive/Daryl: “Do you come here often?”

Steven/Andres: I speed up a little.

Olive/Daryl: “This is where you say ‘It’s my first time,’ and then we have a little laugh because it’s the first time anyone’s been- Whatever. Kids just don’t understand comedy these days.”

Steven/Andres: Radio off, I’m gone. I respect him, but it’s time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s time. Yes, this little group that is walking down the ramp is walking very slow, so it basically reaches the bottom at the same time you do.

Rosie/Pookie: Slow walkers are my pet peeve. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a procession, it’s supposed to be slow.

Steven/Andres: Oh, so we’re all stuck behind this procession?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Andres: Like, everyone? Are there any tourists-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can go around. If they’re in the middle, then you can walk past them. 

Steven/Andres: Oh okay. Oh, I’m going to go around them. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, there are definitely people that are stopping and walking in pace in them. You’re like, ‘Argh!’

Steven/Andres: I’m going to push through them and squeeze through. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, a quick side note about these guys, there’s seven of them. One is clearly the king because he’s got a bramble crown on with gold wings. He’s bare-chested with some robes over. Followed by six other fairies. You don’t know anything about them.

Steven/Andres: I don’t care. They’re not the magic school. I’m a one track mind. Let’s go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Alright, the map has it on the second level, so they’re going to continue further down, but you’re going to stay higher up. It’s time to open the map. As I said before, we have new and better maps in season three. Describing as best I can what we have in front to the people who can’t see it listening. It’s a series of classrooms - six of them. Three on one side, three on the other, and a grassy walkway in the middle. There's some steps leading up to a verandah situation - a little outside bit. There’s going to be another Melbourne information person. They’re used all throughout the day, of course. This one is going to be a fairy.

Steven/Andres: Slay.

Tyrone/Worker: “Hi, are you here to meet Thaumus at the school of magic?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, I mean as long as they’re the teacher I’m supposed to be meeting. Yeah.”

Tyrone/Worker: “They’re not here at the moment, but there are teachers inside. You are welcome to see one of them.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah alright, which room do I go into?”

Tyrone/Worker: “So, we’re all gathering in this middle room on your left in the middle, and we’re just going to wait until they have enough people, and then we can start.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, sick, sick. What’s in the other rooms?”

Tyrone/Worker: “More classrooms.”

Steven/Andres: “But is there anyone in there at the moment?”

Tyrone/Worker: “We have just started because it is the start of the day, so no, not yet. We’re just getting started, getting underway.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh okay, so all six rooms are going to be utilised if need be.”

Tyrone/Worker: “Yeah, and then this space is going to be used as a waiting area once the six classrooms are full.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, right, right. So, you’ve got about six teachers here then?”

Tyrone/Worker: “Yes, you could say that. One of them is Thaumus, but as I said, they are not here, but they’ll be here soon.”

Steven/Andres: “Okay. yeah, no worries. I don’t really have to speak to Thaumus in person, but any teacher will be great.”

Tyrone/Worker: “You’re welcome to meet them later when they come in.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah alright, so I’m just heading down to this classroom?”

Tyrone/Worker: “Yeah, that’s correct.”

Steven/Andres: “How many people are in there now?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How many seats have I got there? Twelve? Let’s roll a d12.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Worker: “There’s actually ten other people there, so…”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, so you just need two other people?”

Tyrone/Worker: “Yeah, you and just one other person.”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to immediately turn around to try and find someone. Just a random person. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give me a random D&D race.

Steven/Andres: Elf.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Elf? Sure, there’s a middle-aged elf lady coming up. Are you just going to grab her?

Steven/Andres: No, I’ll be like, “Hey, do you want to come see some magic?”

Tyrone/Elf: “Yeah?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah? There’s a magic school and they just need two more people, so me and you?”

Tyrone/Elf: “Yeah, that’s what I was coming here for.”

Tyrone/Elf: “Cool, follow me.”

Tyrone/Elf: “Okay.”

Steven/Andres: So much rizz I didn’t even have to roll.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She was coming here anyway. You were impatient. 

Steven/Andres: Rizztastic. Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Inside the classroom, it almost looks like you’ve walked into a kindergarten classroom. The chairs are quite short, and the tables are short. There’s a blackboard and there’s colourful posters everywhere talking about basic concepts.

Steven/Andres: This just looks like my uni degree. This is perfect.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give me another race.

Rosie/Pookie: Sprinting. 

Steven/Andres: We’re all just like, ‘Ugh.’ Half-orc.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: An elderly half-orc lady is going to be up the front. 

Tyrone/Erin: “Good day, my name is Erin. I will be your teacher for today. So, I assume most of you are magic. No? No-one. Good.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, I am.”

Tyrone/Erin: “At least somebody, fuck. Yes, you. What can you-”

Steven/Andres: “I mean, I can do this.” I’m going to produce Mage Hand and it’s going to wave. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does your Mage Hand look like?

Steven/Andres: A skeletal hand. It’s all gross and decrepit.

Tyrone/Erin: “Good lord.”

Steven/Andres: It’s going to wave. 

Tyrone/Erin:“Oh.”

Steven/Andres: ‘Oh!’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’ll make their own Mage Hand. It's like this gloved hand. 

Tyrone/Erin: “Very good. Why is it a skeleton?”

Steven/Andres: “I don’t know. That’s what I’m here to learn. I’m here to learn magic.”

Tyrone/Erin: “Very good. Anybody else? No, okay.”

Steven/Andres: “I can also do this.” I’m going to cast Chill Touch on the person to my left.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you actually?

Rosie/Pookie: Brutal.

Steven/Andres: I’m playing an active role this time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an attack roll.

Steven/Andres: Yeah, boy!

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: Oh, that’s shit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is a regular person. It’s not a monster or anybody wearing armour.

Steven/Andres: It’s only an eleven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think that still hits a regular person.

Steven/Andres: Oh, okay. Weak.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: It’s only four. Four damage. Four necrotic damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Four damage. This eleven, middle-aged lady that you’ve dragged in with you is going to be like:

Tyrone/Elf: “Ow! What the fuck!?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, sorry. Did that hurt?”

Tyrone/Elf: “Yes.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, it’s all I really know how to do.”

Tyrone/Erin: “Alright, young man. Sit down. That’s quite enough out of you. Do we need to get you to the infirmary? No? Great.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, it’s no worries. I can help.” 

Olive/Daryl: You’re that kid.

Tyrone/Erin:“No, no.”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to cast Healing Word on the person that I just hurt.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: I’m just going to say, “No, no. You’re alright, you’re alright,” and my soothing words are going to heal seven points of damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, they feel better than they did this morning.

Tyrone/Elf: “Okay, but you shouldn’t have done it in the first place, but thanks. Thanks.”

Steven/Andres: “You’re welcome.”

Tyrone/Erin: “Please stop.”

Steven/Andres: “See? I can only do a few small things. I’m here to learn better magic.”

Tyrone/Elf: “I need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They just leave.

Steven/Andres: They do not come back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They did not come back.

Tyrone/Erin: “Alrighty, we’re going to begin with the basics: Prestidigitation.”

Steven/Andres: I don’t have that one yet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, and I’m going to cut over to Pookie. 

Steven/Andres: Oh no. My magic lesson.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you do a training montage. So, you guys are heading to the stalls.

[slow electronic music with fanfare plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There is bunting with fairy lights. Ha. There’s a variety of stalls. There’s blacksmiths crafting swords and shields. There’s little trinket stalls. Most notably, there is a little petting zoo set up, and the petting zoo has exclusively goats.

[goats bleats]

Steven/Andres: Wait, are they regular goats or goats with drill horns?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Regular goats. 

Steven/Andres: Oh okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just regular goats.

Rosie/Pookie: As I see the goats, do they seem happy or are they stressed from their environment?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They seem happy. Yeah.

Rosie/Pookie: Okay. I’m going to try to communicate with the goats.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay?

Rosie/Pookie: I’m going to try and cast into their brains. “Hello fellow not humans. Are you okay? Do you need any help?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Your telepathic utterances are in a language you know, and the creature understands you only if it knows that language. Your communication doesn’t give the creature the ability to respond to you telepathically.’

Rosie/Pookie: Okay, can I do Detect Thoughts on goats?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘The creature you choose has an Intelligence of three or lower or doesn’t speak the language. The creature is unaffected.’

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, okay. 

Jorja/Indigo: So, they don’t speak the language.

Rosie/Pookie: Well, I’m going to bound over to the goats and assess them. I’m going to watch them for a bit just to see how they feel. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, you’re going to happen to see the person running this petting zoo who is a spritely, young fairy wearing a purple cardigan and a custom sweater underneath. It’s got a little goat logo on it, and what do they say Rosie?

Rosie/Lucille: “Oh hello, welcome to my goat spectacular petting zoo. I see we’ve got a little, furry creature here. Should you like to sit on the back of a goat?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Why hello, I just wanted to check in on the well-being of your goats. It’s something that I’m very passionate about being not a goat, but a four-legged animal myself who is owned by humans. I know you’re not a human, but you know, similar with wings.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does Lucille find surprise in a talking cat?

Rosie/Pookie: At this point probably not. Not so much. It’s weird, but she’s seen some weird things. It’s a bit vanilla. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve put yourself in this situation, so you can get yourself out of it.

[laughter]

Rosie/Lucille: “Oh, yes, yes, yes. The goats are very, very well looked after. They all have individual beds now, actually. I built a new loft for them. They each have one. Sparkles has their own bed. Bread has their own bed, and we’ve got a new, little goaty too called Little Little Little Goat. Now, I’ve never quite seen a talking cat before. This is quite very new to me. I should quite like to meet you properly. Come over here.”

Rosie/Pookie: Pookie’s going to feel compelled to walk over to Lucille.

Jorja/Indigo: I’ll follow Pookie.

Rosie/Lucille: “Now, I’m going to pick you up.”

Rosie/Pookie: Picks Pookie up. Puts Pookie onto Little Little Little Goat.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Look at me, I’m the DM now.

Rosie/Pookie: Haha, I run this show. Yeah, Lucille going to plop Lucille onto Little Little Little Goat.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Pookie is sitting on the back of a goat getting trotted around?

Rosie/Pookie: Yes.

[goat bleats]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Pookie: “Yes, I quite like this. This is actually kind of lovely. It’s a bit calming, isn’t it? The rhythmic movement of the goat. I understand this, and they don’t seem to be stressed at all. I was actually thinking of letting them out, but I shall not do that for now.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Indigo, are you partaking in the petting zoo at all?

Jorja/Indigo: I'm going to stand next to that young, youthful, beautiful fairy that’s very, very young.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Very young.

Jorja/Indigo: Yes, and is Pookie near us on the goat, or is it doing a whole ring around? 

Rosie/Pookie: Still pretty close.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay. I’ll be like, “So, do you live here, or…?”

Rosie/Lucille: “Oh, oh no, no, no, I’ve got a farm. I’ve got a farm that’s a goat farm. It’s been in my family for my generation, but now I do live here every now and then with the king.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Oh, you and the king are tight?”

Rosie/Lucille: “Yeah, we do weekend on, weekend off, my place, his place, whichever.”

Jorja/Indigo: “That’s really cool.”

Rosie/Lucille: “Should you ever want to meet the king, just let me know. We could have tea and scones.”

Jorja/Indigo: “That actually sounds really nice. I might take you up on that one day.”

Rosie/Lucille: “You and the cat. The cat- What’s the cat called?”

Jorja/Indigo: “The cat is Pookie.”

Rosie/Lucille: “Okay yes, you may come and visit me and my goats any time. Any time. Just remember to bring some snacks for the goats.”

Jorja/Indigo: “What do the goats eat?”

Rosie/Lucille: “Anything.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anything?

Steven/Andres: Literally anything.

Jorja/Indigo: Literally anything. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I believe from my notes, Lucille might have some merchandise like some plushies or some T-shirts. 

Rosie/Lucille: “In fact, I’m going to give you some merchandise for free.”

Jorja/Indigo: “I would love that. Thank you.”

Rosie/Lucille: “You can have a little plushie.”

Jorja/Indigo: She’s trying really hard to not show how excited she is. “So, do you know a lot about this place, or…”

Rosie/Lucille: “Oh, yes, yes, yes. I’m a regular here.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Oh okay, do a lot of people come in and out?”

Rosie/Lucille: ”No, in fact they don’t. This is the first time it’s been open to the public. It was just my little secret before then. Mine and the king’s little secret.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Oh okay, that’s pretty cool. Just you? You’re the only one with that little secret.”

Rosie/Lucille: “Just me and some other friends. I shouldn’t be telling you this actually. Pretend I said absolutely nothing. Anyhow, please have another plushie to keep your mouth shut.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I found my notes. You have specifically said that you knit little goat beanies that you sell as merchandise.

Olive/Daryl: That’s adorable.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, I take that back. “You may have a handmade goat beanie to keep your mouth shut.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Thank you.” I put it on the goat plushie that she gave me before.

Rosie/Lucille: “Now, you and your little friend, Pookie, might want to be a little bit careful around here for now reason at all. Just be aware who you talk to.”

Jorja/Indigo: “What does that mean?”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does that mean?

Rosie/Lucille: “You’ll have to find out. What I will say to little Pookie is watch out for the little, grey mouse.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay. We will watch out for the little, grey mouse, and if we have any questions we will come to you because you clearly know more than anyone here.”

Rosie/Lucille: “I do, I do, I do. Now, off you go, off you go, off you tot. You’re done with your ride, Pookie. Off you go. As much as I enjoyed meeting you, your time is up. I have many, many important guests.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay, bye.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s just full of five year olds wanting to ride the goats.

Rosie/Pookie: I just still want to release them for fun, but I won’t.

-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I hope you’re enjoying episode five, I’m so excited to get back into Lambence in this arc. This season, we’re naming NPCs after listeners, so if you want to have a character named after you, head over to our Instagram and check out the pinned post. All you need to do is share that to your story, and be sure to tag us so we see it! Just then you heard Erin, named for erin_niddrie on Instagram, and coming up soon is Celestor named for celestor13 on Instagram, and Glen, named for Glen Higgins on Facebook. Let’s quickly head over to the ad this week featuring The Dungeon Boiz.

The Dungeon Boiz Ad Read: Hey folks, this is Justine. I am the host and dungeon master for The Dungeon Boiz. The Dungeon Boiz is a high fantasy, science fiction, Dungeons and Dragons podcast with a group of friends telling a story and bringing it right to your headphones. Our podcast is a really eclectic mix that makes you feel like you’re sitting down with your friends at the table laughing. “What’s everybody bringing to this team?” “Have you ever been on a team before?” “Ah yes, I have been on plenty of teams, and I always win.” “Okay, well that’s good.” “I like this can-do attitude. Let’s go. Let’s do it.” “Dear god, we’re all going to die.” “How did we get into this?” “People don’t tell me no.” To heartfelt and tense, sincere roleplay. “I’m going to grab his hand, and I pull him in close. Little buddy, what happened?” “And as you pull in this member of your party, holding him so tight to your chest, you feel the presence of your patron behind you, and that voice.” “She can’t hear you, Valinn.” “Terith?” “A knife slides out. It’s about to hit you.” “This is not my doing, tiefling.” And the ability to explore this homebrew world with us with planets with different ecosystems where all are welcome and thriving, and a tale of imagination that is out of this galaxy. Yes, we know that was corny. Bear with us. You can find us wherever you listen to podcasts, such as Spotify, Apple Podcasts. You name it, we’re probably there. We must warn you that our podcast is rated M for mature, but we hope that you’ll give us a chance to make you laugh, possibly cry, and overall just feel like you’re sitting down at the table with us as we go on one adventure at a time, protect the star system, and make sure that all your travels are safe. Thank you so much from The Dungeon Boiz, and that’s Boiz spelt B-O-I-Z because everyone’s included in this podcast. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before we get back to the episode, this week I wanted to talk about our Redbubble store. Our Redbubble store is where you’re going to find our merch store. Right now we’ve got the designs for Daryl, Indigo, Pookie, and Andres along with all the characters from previous seasons, and you can get any of those on almost anything, ranging from stickers to T-shirts to mugs to little pet bandanas. To find it just visit Redbubble.com and search Portal Quandary in the search bar to find our store. Anyways, I’ll let you get to the episode. Episode six will be coming out Friday, April eighteenth.

-

[drums beating]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello Daryl.

Olive/Daryl: Hello.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you doing?

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, Daryl will head towards the king’s throne room, but I assume as we’re all making our way down, the little ceremony that’s occurring- You said that there was a figure wearing kingly robes, so I’ll, as we’re walking along and I spot Andres wandering off and Pookie disappear, I’ll take a look around and see that. “Oh, interesting. Let’s see where this leads,” and I’ll follow the ceremony.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay. They are going to continue down to the ground level, stop in front of the tree, and then the kingly figure will fly up to the balcony towards the top of the tree and cast his own Thaumaturgy.

Tyrone/King: “Thank you so much for coming to Lambence, the Wayfarers’ City. You may have noticed the procession today. This is just a small demonstration of a cultural celebration we call Moving Day. Now, Moving Day from our homeland was about every time we moved the city, we would have this celebration. Obviously, we are not doing that anymore, so we just thought that we would share this celebration with you all. This also coincides with another celebration that we regularly do. Once a month we hold a special tea ceremony where we brew tea for all members of the land. We partake of the communal tea. I’ll be talking more about this in the throne room shortly, but please help yourself to one cup of tea, and feel free to peruse the library inside the Kingsgrove. That is open to everybody. Please enjoy the festivities. I won’t hold you up any more.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And he goes inside the room behind where the balcony is.

Steven/Andres: Did I hear that from where I was in my classroom?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a bit muffled, but you can hear a megaphone sort of voice talking out loud.

Steven/Andres: Was our class disrupted and do we all walk out into the hallway to listen, or do we just keep going?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think the teacher will be like:

Tyrone/Erin: “Oh, that’s the king. It seems like the procession has started. Feel free to go attend that if you like, or you can stay here and you can keep learning Prestidigitation.”

Steven/Andres: I’m definitely still there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. 

Olive/Daryl: “Tea once a month. A bit too long to go without tea, but a free cup’s a free cup.” I’ll stand in line and wait for my cup of tea, and then I’ll slowly sip on it as I take a walk through the area and take a look and see who’s mingling and having a conversation. I might even approach a couple of people and introduce myself and find out why they’re there. Just canvas the area and engage in a little bit of nice conversation.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think there’s going to be one figure, they’ve got ombre purple and blue wings. They’ve almost got a flower outfit on. It kind of looks like they've got a tulip on their head, I guess, and they’ve got different plant bits making up their outfit. Thai is not someone you’ve met before, but they’re handing out pamphlets for the museum. 

Tyrone/Fairy: “Please, afterwards, please attend the museum. I am the curator at the museum and I am excited to share with you our culture.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s handing it down the line.

Olive/Daryl: “A museum you say?”

Tyrone/Fairy: “Yes, do you enjoy the museum?”

Olive/Daryl: “Yes, absolutely. I love going down to a museum every now and again, and I don’t mind the occasional art gallery though. I can’t take the grandkids though. They're too young and full of beans and energy to take there, but the wife and I do occasionally love to go down and check it out.”

Tyrone/Fairy: “I’ve been gazing longingly at that art gallery across the ways from the top of our tower.”

Olive/Daryl: “It is beautiful. The exhibits they do there are fantastic and so engaging.”

Tyrone/Fairy: “I can’t wait to visit one of these museums in Melbourne.”

Olive/Daryl: “I’m very much looking forward to visiting your museum.”

Tyrone/Fairy: “I’ll see you there. I’ll look forward to it.”

Olive/Daryl: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

Tyrone/Lustrous: “I’m so sorry. My name is Lustrous, and yours was?”

Olive/Daryl: “Daryl. Shit. Daryl.”

Tyrone/Lustrous: “Pleasure to meet you Daryl.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you continue on?

Steven/Andres: Daryl Shit Daryl.

Olive/Daryl: The afterthought in his mind- He’s like, ‘Shit, why did you say your real name? Fuck.’

Rosie/Pookie: What was that flirting though?

Steven/Andres: His best.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Flirting mentioning his wife.

Olive/Daryl: I’ll take a look through the pamphlet. What kind of exhibits? What does it detail?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to be a journey through the ages, starting from the history several millennia ago. Starting with the exile of The Summer Court, working their way through the land of Prophis, and working through their way to now - returning home to Atrius. You notice they won’t call it Earth. They won’t call it Melbourne. They won’t call it Australia. They call it Atrius.

Olive/Daryl: They won’t call it Pangea.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, they won’t call it Pangea.

Fools.

Olive/Daryl: “Atrius. Where have I heard that before?” Have I heard that word before? Atrius?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not before today. I think maybe it was in the first pamphlet you got about the whole city. That is not a name you’ve heard before. 

Olive/Daryl: “Interesting. Okay, alright then. Thank you so much for the pamphlet. I appreciate it. I’ll swing by. I’ve got a friend of mine that is around here somewhere, but for now… The king’s throne room. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?”

Tyrone/Lustrous: “You are almost there. Here we are outside the Kingsgrove. If you just head inside the tree just there, that will be the throne room there.”

Olive/Daryl: “Thank you very much. I appreciate it.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to leave you with this before I jump back to Andres, but this room is very bare. All you can see at the front is this throne on a small dais constructed out of a piece of wood. Someone has grown the throne. You know how they grow the fruits into certain shapes with the moulds? They’ve done the same thing with the throne.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The king is sitting on the throne. He has a collection of guards with him. Eight guards to be precise. They are all in the traditional robe, which is yellowy-green leaves, bracelets, and bare-chested. They’ve got essentially a skirt made out of it as well. They’ve got fossilised leaf shields. They’ve also got orange wings that have a bit of a glow about and a flower crown as well.

Olive/Daryl: Alright, cool. Toss it back to the boy.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The boy, back at school.

[upbeat synthwave music]

Tyrone/Erin: “So, Prestidigitation.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an Arcana check.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Andres: Eighteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is very good. You don’t know Prestidigitation though.

Steven/Andres: No, I don’t.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, so I almost think that you’re using another spell by accident to replicate this. Like a Minor Illusion. 

Steven/Andres: What are we using Prestidigitation for? Because I can use Thaumaturgy or Minor Illusion for that. Depending on what our Prestidigitation lesson is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Making little fireworks, little sparkles.

Steven/Andres: Yeah, I’ll probably use Minor Illusion.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘Create an instantaneous, harmless, sensory effect, such as a shower of sparks,’ is the example we’re going with.

Tyrone/Erin: “That seems very good, Andres. I can’t help but notice that is actually Minor Illusion though.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah, but it’s still working though, right?”

Tyrone/Erin: “Yes, that is not the lesson, however.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The doors are going to crash open suddenly.

[the music stops, doors slam open, and high heels walk on floorboards]

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Hello darlings, welcome to my school. Sorry I’m late.”

[bubbly electronic music plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s holding an iced coffee.

Steven/Andres: ‘I was… held up.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She has bisexual wings. She’s got the purple, blue, pink wings. She looks like a traditional wizard with a big, blue wizard hat and wizard robes. She has a staff with these red crystals coming out of it.

Tyrone/Thaumus: “I can see that Erin’s kept you busy for a while, but I’ll be taking over from here, Erin.”

Steven/Andres: “See you Erin.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Who have we got here? You, little half-elf boy.”

Steven/Andres: “G’day, I’m Andres.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “What have you learnt so far from Erin? Nothing I’m sure. What do you already know?”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, you know, she was showing me how to do this,” and I’m going to replicate the sparks with my Minor Illusion. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: “That is a very good Minor Illusion, isn't it?”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to create my Mage Hand and give myself a high-five. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: “That’s a very odd Mage Hand, isn’t it Andres?”

Steven/Andres: “I mean, na. It’s fine. It does the job.” 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to roll an Insight.

Steven/Andres: It’s going to stroke my chin.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I did not roll a good Insight. 

Steven/Andres: Haha!

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Tell me about your magic, Andres. I’m apparently just focusing on you and nobody else in this classroom.”

Steven/Andres: “To be fair, I am the best one in the class.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Okay, yes. Sorry, I was just eyeing them off for a second. Tell me about your magic. How did you get your magic?”

Steven/Andres: “Why don’t you tell me about your magic? Where’d you get your magic?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “My magic… I learned my magic pain-stakingly day after day. I have a little tome in my office where I write down all the spells I learn.”

Steven/Andres: “Where’s your office?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Excuse me?”

Steven/Andres: “You mentioned an office. I was just wondering where it is.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “It’s not on campus. It’s in my private quarters.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, okay.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “That is the first lesson of today, actually. There’s a few different ways you can obtain magic. Like myself where you learn it pain-stakingly day after day, or you can be born with it and skip all of that.”

Steven/Andres: *spit sound* ‘A dirty sorcerer.’

Olive/Daryl: ‘Pretenders.’

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Or you can get this power from somebody else. A deity or some powerful being.”

Steven/Andres: “Interesting.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Very interesting. Meet me after class. So, where were we? We were learning Prestidigitation. How boring.”

Steven/Andres: “What would you prefer we learn then? I’m open for whatever. I’m down for whatever.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The other ten people in the class are just groaning. ‘Fuck this guy.’

Tyrone/Thaumus: “What do you guys want to learn? Anybody? Yes, you again, Andres.”

Steven/Andres: “Me. I want to learn… What do I want to learn? That’s a good question.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “What do you already know?”

Steven/Andres: I know so much. I’m not a wizard. You can’t teach me magic.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, I don’t know why you’re at the school for magic.

Steven/Andres: Because I’m shit at magic. “Can you teach me how to understand other languages? Because I’ll give you some context. Thaumus was it?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “That’s correct.”

Steven/Andres: “I mean, I don’t know if you hear it, but sometimes I hear a voice in my head, and I don’t always understand it. That;s why I’ve got this.” I pull out my Japanese Book for Dummies. “And I’ve been keeping some notes.” I’ll flick through to my spells page where I’ve written some notes about magic and stuff. Just some observations of some stuff that I’ve been able to do, which is not a lot.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to see cogs turning in Thaumus’s mind.

Steven/Andres: She’s judging me.

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Class dismissed. Andres, you stay behind.”

Steven/Andres: Yaas.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She just abruptly ends the class.

Steven/Andres: I’m in. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Andres, was it?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Have you made a deal with something? Something that gives you this power?”

Steven/Andres: “A deal? I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Well, I was just talking before about the different ways you can get magic, and I think that you have made a deal with something in exchange for magic.”

Steven/Andres: “Na, na, I don’t reckon. I mean, I didn’t learn pain-stakingly like you, so maybe I was just born with it.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “So, this person that you hear.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “How long has that been going on?”

Steven/Andres: “Only really since The Shift.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Look Andres, I’m going to break it to you. I need you to go home and do some self reflection and come back. I think that you may be a warlock. Whether you realise that or not, which means that you made a deal with something that could be dangerous.”

Steven/Andres: “A warlock? That sounds pretty sick.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Sure. Usually you have to do things for this person in exchange for power. Otherwise they might cut it off or do something bad to you or other people around you.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh. Do you reckon that’s the voice in my head?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “That’s usually it. Sorcerers, wizards, they don’t usually hear that. You could be what they call a cleric, which is with a deity or a higher power.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, cleric. That’s like healing a shit, right?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Yeah.”

Steven/Andres: “I did that before to another girl in class. I healed her.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “It could be. Commune with this person.”

Steven/Andres: “That’s why I asked you if I could get a spell to understand what she says. I’m trying my best with this book, but it’s not working out too well.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’ll go through the drawers. She’ll rifle through papers. She’ll pull out a scroll for the Comprehend Languages.

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Take this. This is your homework.”

Steven/Andres: “Alright, so what? I go home, I study this scroll, and then what?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: ”See what you can learn from this voice, and I’m really very curious, so I’m going to come visit.”

Steven/Andres: I’m going to start reading the scroll.

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Woah, woah, woah. Right now?”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “That- Sure. Alright.”

Steven/Andres: I’m actively casting Comprehend Languages. I’m impatient and impulsive and kind of a dick. Let’s go.

[mysterious music plays]

Tyrone/Patron: “Andres.”

Steven/Andres: “Yeah?”

Tyrone/Patron: “I’m waiting.”

Steven/Andres: “What are you waiting for?”

Tyrone/Patron: “For the bodies.”

Steven/Andres: “Holy shit, I can hear you. I can understand you.”

Tyrone/Patron: “Yes.”

Steven/Andres: “Wait, what bodies?”

Tyrone/Patron: “We talked about this the other night.”

Steven/Andres: “Did we?”

Tyrone/Patron: “You give me what I want, and I give you power.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh, so what is it you want?”

Tyrone/Patron: “Youth. Power.”

Steven/Andres: “Like this one.” I’ll point to Thaumus.

Tyrone/Patron: “She’s actually quite old. She’s not young at all.”

Steven/Andres: “Really? Huh.”

Tyrone/Patron: “It’s how the fairy-kind works.”

Steven/Andres: “I’ll have to ask her about that. Interesting.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are still speaking out loud.

Steven/Andres: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, Thaumus is right here. 

Steven/Andres: No, I know. I’m assuming that Thaumus is taking this all in and judging me. It’s great.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. She’s sipping her iced coffee.

Steven/Andres: The tea, sis. Piping hot.

Tyrone/Patron: “I’ll be around, but I’m impatient.”

Steven/Andres: “Oh yeah, right. I’ll get right on that.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “What are they saying, darling?”

Steven/Andres: “Shh, shh, I’m talking.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “I heard ‘bodies’”

Steven/Andres: “What’s your name?”

Tyrone/Celestor: “Celestor.”

Steven/Andres: “Celestor. That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful lady.”

Tyrone/Celestor: “And you will help me keep my beauty up.”

Steven/Andres: “Of course, of course, of course. Alright, see you Thaumus.” I’m going to run out.

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Be sure to visit me again!”

Steven/Andres: “Yep, yep, yep.”

Tyrone/Thaumus: “Keep talking to them.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, Pookie and Indigo?

[slow electronic music with fanfare plays]

Jorja/Indigo: I’m going to look at what kind of stalls there are.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There was blacksmith stuff, and there was one called Bob and Gregg’s Artifacts and Enchantments.

Jorja/Indigo: Do I have…? What money do they take? Do they take real-world money, or do they take gold, or…?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s like little trinkets and things they give out. It’s merch, like you get a sticker at Comic-Con or you get a little band. Just little things they’re giving out. It’s free. Obviously you can’t just take fistfuls of everything.

Jorja/Indigo: Fuck. 

Rosie/Pookie: But it’s not the law, though. It’s not the law that you can’t take fistfuls.

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah, we can steal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There are police around, but sure.

Jorja/Indigo: No, we can steal. Other people will get caught. Well, let’s go to the blacksmith first, and then to whatever this wonderful place is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, the blacksmith. 

Tyrone/Blacksmith: “How’s it going?”

Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: “Yep.”

Tyrone/Blacksmith: “Hello kitty.”

Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: “She says hi. What are you doing? What’s your deal?”

Tyrone/Blacksmith: “We’re doing a bit of a demonstration today. Showing how we make the swords and the shields and the weaponry for the guards.”

Rosie/Pookie: “How riveting.”

Jorja/Indigo: Are there other people here?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not many. Some are watching the people working in the back working at the forge.

Jorja/Indigo: “Cool.”

Tyrone/Blacksmith: “We are not giving anything away, particularly for children, but…”

Rosie/Pookie: “Would you like me to bite him?”

Jorja/Indigo: “I can't speak to you.”

Tyrone/Blacksmith: “What was that?”

Jorja/Indigo: “I think I hear my mum and dad. I’ll be right back. We’re getting out of here.”

Tyrone/Blacksmith: “Goodbye.”

Jorja/Indigo: “That place sucks.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good because I had fucking nothing for that place.

Jorja/Indigo: Let’s go to the cool one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I made it boring on purpose.

Rosie/Pookie: If you hadn’t walked away, I was going to take that as ‘Yes, bite him,’ and go over and do it.

Steven/Andres: There are two places: a boring place and a really cool place. ‘We should go to the boring place.’

Jorja/Indigo: I don’t know. Well, what was it? Bob and Gregg? Bob and Bob? 

Rosie/Pookie: Bob and Gregg’s?

Jorja/Indigo: Bob and Gregg’s?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bob and Gregg’s Artifacts and Enchantments.

Jorja/Indigo: Bob and Bob and Gregg and Gregg. Alrighty.

Tyrone/Gregg: “Hello there, child with the cat.”

Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: “Me? Oh, hi.”

Tyrone/Bob: “Would you like a little tester?”

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s going to pull out four potion bottles and lay them out.

Tyrone/Bob: “We’ve got four here. One for you. Does the cat drink? I don’t know.”

Rosie/Pookie: “ *meows* “

Jorja/Indigo: “Yes.”

Tyrone/Gregg: “Alrighty, we have four here to choose from. We have a red one. Pretty good as a little pick-me-up in case you get a little tired. We’ve got this one: a blue one. Pretty good if you want to take a little dip, a little swim. We’ve got this one: a green one, which is fun for a little party trick to show off, or we have the black one, which is good in case you get yourself into some little trouble and you need to fight back. Which will it be, child?”

Rosie/Pookie: “Ask if we drink them now.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Do we drink them now?”

Tyrone/Gregg: “Preferably no.”

Rosie/Pookie: “Because I should quite like to drink that red one.”

Jorja/Indigo: “The cat would like the red one, I think.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s almost like two identical brothers, but they keep changing between who’s talking, but they both sound the same.

Tyrone/Bob: “Very well. Don’t drink this now. It will be good later when you need a pick-me-up.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay, I’ll put it in my pocket for later for the cat.”

Tyrone/Gregg: “Yes, and for yourself?”

Jorja/Indigo: “The black one.”

Tyrone/Bob: “Very well. Do you get into a few scraps, do you?”

Jorja/Indigo: “No.” She nods. 

Tyrone/Gregg: “Aright, this will give you an edge. Good day. Tell your friends. Tell your friends to come visit us.”

Jorja/Indigo: “Okay, absolutely.” Did they replenish it once we take them?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not immediately. Not while you’re in front.

Rosie/Pookie: Can I just… I’m going to jump up and swipe one of them off the table. 

Steven/Andres: Oh my god.

Rosie/Pookie: Do you know how cats just swipe things?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a Dexterity…? Is it Sleight of Hand?

Rosie/Pookie: No, I’m not trying to be sneaky. I’m just jumping up and swiping, and it falls on the ground.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Dexterity check. I’m going to see if I can beat you.

Jorja/Indigo: Can I steal the other one while she’s doing that?

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, I’m the distraction.

Olive/Daryl: That’s so good.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: I got twenty-one.

Jorja/Indigo: Oh fuck.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled six. Which one did you knock off the table?

Rosie/Pookie: What were the colours again?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Green and blue.

Rosie/Pookie: What do they do again?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One was a good party trick. One was good for swimming.

Rosie/Pookie: I want the party trick.

Jorja/Indigo: So, you’re knocking the party trick, or you want me to steal it?

Rosie/Pookie: I’m knocking the party trick.

Jorja/Indigo: Okay.

[glass shatters]

Tyrone/Gregg: “Hey, hey, hey, control the cat. Control the cat.”

Jorja/Indigo: My Mage Hand is taking the other one while this is happening. I’m like, “Hey, hey, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do a Sleight of Hand for that one. 

Jorja/Indigo: Sleight of Hand?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.

Jorja/Indigo: Do I get advantage because there’s a distraction?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I’ll class that as the Help action from Rosie.

Jorja/Indigo: Yes! A forced Help action. I love those.

Steven/Andres: Didn’t even know she was helping.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Indigo: Fuck!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes!

Jorja/Indigo: Can we cast magic in here? Have they said anything about that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You heard the megaphone in the line about not casting magic in public. 

Jorja/Indigo: Okay. That is an eleven. Sleight of Hand? Yep, eleven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled a thirteen Perception. It was base eleven, so…

Tyrone/Bob: “Missy, I see now why you get into some scraps. Put it back, no questions asked.”

Rosie/Pookie: I bite his leg.

[laughter]

Olive/Daryl: It’s happening. It’s happening!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an attack roll.

Rosie/Pookie: Also, I need to ask, did the bottle break when I knocked it off?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, it is made of glass.

Rosie/Pookie: I started lapping it up as well.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you biting or are you lapping?

Rosie/Pookie: I lapped then bit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, roll an attack roll.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: Sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll damage.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: Six.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Add an extra d4.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: Ten.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ten total?

Rosie/Pookie: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Indigo, you will notice that Pookie is starting to grow in size. You have dealt ten points of damage to the shopkeeper. Are you sticking around?

Rosie/Pookie: No, I’m running. 

Jorja/Indigo: How big is Pookie?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One might say they have moved from a tiny creature to a small creature.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh, cute.

Jorja/Indigo: Cute. I can’t pick you up anymore. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you are now the size of a child.

Rosie/Pookie: How long does it last?

Steven/Andres: Until it ends.

Jorja/Indigo: You don’t know.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ten minutes.

Olive/Daryl: You’re going to find out.

Jorja/Indigo: Well, we’re running.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ten minutes.

Steven/Andres: ‘Climb on me Indigo, we’re out.’

Rosie/Pookie: “Indigo, I suddenly feel quite large and fast and speedy, and I think we should keep on running because this is quite fun.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you running as well?

Jorja/Indigo: Yeah. I did not put the potion back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, I figured not. Alright.

Tyrone/Gregg: “Stop! Thief! Get them. There, the one with the cat.”

Rosie/Pookie: Oh no, I’m not small. I can’t hide anymore.

Jorja/Indigo: Wait, they want the cat?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They want you guys because you just stole from them.

Jorja/Indigo: Or both? I’m going to cast Minor Illusion of Pookie running in the opposite direction, and we’re going to duck into an alley.

Rosie/Pookie: Nice. Smart.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. I’ll give you a chance to roll Stealth.

Yipee!

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Pookie: Nineteen.

Eighteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You win this round. That’s an eleven. 

Rosie/Pookie: Oh, that worked so well.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m not rolling well on this dice. 

Jorja/Indigo: I’ve been rolling really well on this dice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck you. Well, I can tell you now that you are currently under the effects of a Potion of Growth, which is essentially the effects of the ‘Enlarge’ in the Enlarge/Reduce spell in a potion.

Rosie/Pookie: Yeah, cool, nice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do not know the rest.

Jorja/Indigo: That’s fine.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh, how lovely.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, how lovely.

Rosie/Pookie: Oh, how splendid. Excellent.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think we might cut over to Daryl now. After we’ve just had some theft.

Jorja/Indigo: What? You can’t prove it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Children shenanigans. Daryl.

Olive/Daryl: Hello.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re in the throne room, ready to attend the session with the king.

Olive/Daryl: I am indeed. I’m very excited.

[electronic music with a choir starts]

Tyrone/King: “So everyone, you see this tea? We hold the teapot at the tallest part of the Kingsgrove, and the youngest member of our community flies to the top to retrieve the teapot, and then we brew the tea in that teapot for everybody.”

Olive/Daryl: “I do have a question. Question here. So sorry for interrupting.”

Tyrone/King: “You in the back, yes?”

Olive/Daryl: “I’m sorry, you said your youngest member of the community. Are we talking like children, or is it a baby? What’s the age restriction? Where does it kick in?”

Tyrone/King: “I know it is a little different for you guys here in Melbourne.” [Mel-born]

Olive/Daryl: “Melbourne” [Mel-bin]

Tyrone/King: “Melbourne.” [Mel-bin]

Olive/Daryl: “That was fantastic. Very well done.”

Tyrone/King: “Thank you. We fairies tend to live a lot longer, so we don’t have children very often, so the youngest is usually already in their early nineties.”

Steven/Andres: What!?

Olive/Daryl: “I’m almost there myself, actually. I suppose you all consider me a small, little child, wouldn’t you?”

Tyrone/King: “But if we do have a child, it usually kicks in at around twenty.”

Olive/Daryl: “Very well. That seems respectable. I’m so sorry for interrupting. Please continue. I’d love to learn more.”

Tyrone/King: “That’s quite alright, I suppose.”

Olive/Daryl: “He supposes.”

Tyrone/King: “You see, this tradition began long ago when we moved to the land of Prophis - where we came from - and tea was really the only thing that brought us together. There was some disputes early about the ownership of tea, but it’s back in the community’s hands now.”

Rosie/Pookie: Communi-tea.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. 

Olive/Daryl: “Did somebody steal- Sorry, me again at the back here. Hi, my name is Daryl, by the way. I’m full of questions. I just wanted clarification so I could get my head wrapped around this. I’m a very visual, need to be hands on learner.”

Tyrone/King: “Yes.”

Olive/Daryl: “So, just a question: someone stole the tea?”

Tyrone/King: “Well, it was really more of a question of who had the tea first. There was a young lady who laid claim to it, and she built fences and greenhouses to surround it, but the community ultimately deceived that no, it belonged to the community.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yes, but the small woman, she claimed ownership first, so it would belong to her.”

Tyrone/King: “Well, no-one really knows if it was her first.”

Olive/Daryl: “Because it never really belonged to the community. It was just there for people to take, and then someone claimed property of it, so therefore it’s theirs.”

Tyrone/King: “What is theirs? How did it belong to them first-”

Olive/Daryl: “They built a fence around it and took property and ownership of it. I’m not sure if you’re aware of how we run the law here, but I’m sure it is a little different.. Maybe you had different laws, if you had laws. Not to disgrace not having any laws. If you have a lawless civilization, that’s totally fine. Respect to you for not having that, but it’s just a little bit confusing for me. I just like to talk this out.”

Tyrone/King: “I believe you might have received pamphlets for our museum. I do suggest visiting that, which will explain our law a little bit more. It’s not for me to explain today.”

Olive/Daryl: “I will absolutely be checking it out. Will you be there as well? I would love to hear more of your talks on your society.”

Tyrone/King: “No, but our Head of Culture, Lustrous, will be heading some of those. Once I’m finished here today, I'll be retiring to my quarters for a while, as is tradition. The monthly tea ceremony is usually a, I suppose you call it a public holiday here. Everybody takes a day off for rest, but they will continue with the Moving Day festivities later, and you can go out and have a dance. Whatever you want.”

Olive/Daryl: “Ooo, a dance. Very fun.”

Tyrone/King: “Yes, I do also invite you to visit the public library in the next floor up to read up on our laws, if you like.”

Olive/Daryl: “Wonderful, I may just well do that. Please, continue. I’m terribly sorry.” How many other people are in the room right now? There’s eight guards, but if there’s a talk, is it a small group of people.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pretty full. This is an exciting opening day for everybody. Can we please go back to the throne room? Thank you. Most of that is full.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, cool. So, less than one hundred people in there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, probably. It’s pretty crowded.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, okay. I was going to say if it was over a hundred people, Daryl wouldn't have been as confident, but that’s fine. Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine.

Olive/Daryl: We can handle that many. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a Perception.

Olive/Daryl: Perception?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so while you’re taking a look at the room to see what’s going on in there. 

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: Eleven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everything is fine.

Olive/Daryl: Cool, thanks.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s alright. Everything is awesome. 

Olive/Daryl: Alright, can I make an Insight check on the king when he makes that answer to my question about who owned the tea first? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.

Olive/Daryl: Beautiful.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: Nineteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Shit. He talks of it like he was there. Like he is reciting it from memory, but he is also saying it quite politically. He’s trying to remain apolitical. It’s almost like he’s conjuring up old times for him. ‘Ah, when we all fought over the tea.’

Olive/Daryl: ‘A simpler time.’ I’ll allow the rest of the ceremony to go through, and once he’s finished talking and he goes to retire, I’ll slip out and head upstairs to check out the library, and as I’m walking through the area, I want to take a look and see if there’s particular doorways that are cut off or restricted or anything like that as I go through.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay. Welcome to the library. 

[electronic mysterious music plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This actually has a mezzanine to it as well, so you can see that the stairs go up a bit more, and there’s a balcony level. You can see up. Basically, the edges of this are surrounded by bookshelves of every sort, and there’s a section in the middle where there’s seating. There’s beanbags. There’s desks to sit at. Roll an Investigation is what it sounded like what you wanted?

Olive/Daryl: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: Thirteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see there are guards positioned at the staircases here, and you can look up the staircase to the mezzanine level. You can see there are some more guards up on the second level as well. A quick look around the space: there doesn’t appear to be any doorways as such. It is literally the shape of the tree is what you can tell. It’s not a rigid space. It just fills the space of what it fills the space of. I think that’s the basics of it. Any questions I can answer for you?

Olive/Daryl: Is there anyone else in the library checking it out?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, for sure. As soon as that session finished, a few people did head up to the library as well, and a few people headed back out to check out the other stuff happening in the city. So, maybe fifteen people are here just checking out what they’ve got.

Olive/Daryl: Is there any signage that would alert me to what could be potentially up the stairs, or is it…?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I think there’ll be a little sign on the staircase that just says To Mezzanine.

Olive/Daryl: I’ll just approach the staircase and try to go up the stairs.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, sure.

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, I just walk past the guards if I can.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have no issues going to the mezzanine level.

Olive/Daryl: Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know if you’re going to stay here, or if you're going to head up more. 

Olive/Daryl: Oh, there’s more stairs going up?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It keeps going, yep. 

Olive/Daryl: Yeah, sure, sure. Is there anybody really on this particular level?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s going to be one old guy that’s found a book he’s picked up and grabbed a chair. He’s having a look, a little read. Otherwise, it’s just the guards at each set of staircases.

Olive/Daryl: And if you look down in that, you can just see into the library?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you can look down and you can see the seating and the desks and everything.

Olive/Daryl: As I walk past the old guy, what book is he reading?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s reading a history of the rulers of Lambence. 

Olive/Daryl: “Ah, a bit of a history buff?”

Tyrone/Old Man: “Oh, sorry, you spooked me. Yeah.”

Olive/Daryl: “My absolute apologies. I didn’t mean to startle you. It must have been a good read.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “Yeah, it’s a very good read though. It’s not very long, though. It looks like they’ve only had a few kings in their time.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, I mean I’m pretty sure he said something about having lived for thousands of years or something like that, so it makes sense, I suppose.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Olive/Daryl: “You’re telling me.” I’m looking down at my hands that are all wrinkled over.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is another old human guy as well.

Tyrone/Old Man: “I know the struggles.”

Olive/Daryl: “If only they knew of how mortality felt. Strange creatures, but kind enough to invite us into their house.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “Very much. How I’d love to fly like them.”

Olive/Daryl: “Yes. I mean, me myself, I’ve never been too much a fan of heights, but flying. Actually, no. I have to disagree with you, mate. That would be fucking terrifying.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “I mean, I was pretty queasy on the elevator up, but I still would love to soar.”

Olive/Daryl: “Just to try it.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “I wish I could go higher up this tree, but…”

Olive/Daryl: “Oh, they’re not letting anyone past?”

Tyrone/Old Man: “No, this part ends the public access they say.”

Olive/Daryl: “Did they say what’s up there?”

Tyrone/Old Man: “They just said it’s the private residences, the private part of it.”

Olive/Daryl: “Alright, okay. Well, thank you for the chat. I appreciate it.” I stick my hand out. “Name’s Daryl.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “No problem. Name’s Glen.”

Olive/Daryl: “Glen. Pleasure.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “Pleasure to meet you.”

Olive/Daryl: “Well, you have a good rest of your tour here.”

Tyrone/Old Man: “Thank you. I’ll just enjoy my book here.”

Olive/Daryl: I’ll wander off, and make my way towards the staircase. I’ll approach the guards. I’ll walk  up to them, and as I approach - the cap that I’m wearing - I’ll do a curt nod, and then just go to casually walk up the staircase.

Tyrone/Guard: “Hey, sorry, sorry. No up. No up. Just down.”

Olive/Daryl: “I beg your pardon?”

Tyrone/Guard: “You’re not allowed to go up.”

Olive/Daryl: “Do you understand who you’re talking to, son?”

Tyrone/Guard: “No, but considering you’re a human-”

Olive/Daryl: “You’re telling me that you were placed in charge of the private residences, and you’re not aware of the undercover agents here to protect the king on this special day? Bloody fucking…”

Tyrone/Guard: “Are you with the Melbourne police?”

Olive/Daryl: “Yes, mate.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a Deception.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Daryl: Fifteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I rolled a nine. These dice are not good. 

Rosie/Pookie: Woo!

Olive/Daryl: Woo!

Tyrone/Guard: “Oh, I didn’t realise. You were just so well undercover.”

Olive/Daryl: “You know what, mate? I’ll cut you some slack. Do yourself a favour. The next time you’re in a debrief, try to pay extra attention. Do you take notes, son?”

Tyrone/Guard: “No.”

Olive/Daryl: “Get yourself a notebook. They’re very cheap. Very easy to make even if you have some spare paper. Start taking some notes. Trust me. It’ll change your life.”

Tyrone/Guard: “Yes. Yes sir.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He salutes. 

Olive/Daryl: I give him another curt not, and I’ll wander up the stairs.

Tyrone/Guard: “They’re serving food in the dining hall for you guys as well.”

Olive/Daryl: “Thank you for the update, and what was your name?”

Tyrone/Jacob: “Jacob.”

Olive/Daryl: “Thank you, Jacob.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daryl, you have infiltrated the Kingsgrove. Indigo and Pookie, you have robbed some innocent merchants, and you have learned a lot-

Steven/Andres: Earned myself an invitation to Thaumus.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, earned yourself an invitation to Thaumus, Andres, and learned a lot about yourself, and I think we’ll continue this next episode.

Olive/Daryl: Things are happening.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, Community Manager, and Transcriber, Steven Edwards as Andres, Olive Jerome as Daryl, Rosemary Ochtman as Pookie, and Jorja Odd as Indigo. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on a bunch of social media, including Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and Patreon. All of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

-

Jorja/Indigo: It’s the same energy as when a toddler shows you their drawing. You’re like, ‘Oh!’ and they’re like, ‘It’s a tiger,’ and you’re like, ‘Yes! Yes!’

Olive/Daryl: ‘It’s going on the fridge.’

Steven/Andres: ‘It’s a beautiful picture of a… tiger. Yeah. I see that now.’

Olive/Daryl: ‘Dog… Kittiger.’

-

Jorja/Indigo: “Oh okay, do a lot of people come in and out, or…?” When you become the DM but don’t have the information.

Steven/Andres: ‘I don’t wish to be the DM anymore.’

Olive/Daryl: Too much responsibility!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was the question? I was sitting back, relaxing. I wasn’t the DM anymore. 

Jorja/Indigo: It was: do a lot of people come in and out of this place?