Two of The Most Powerful Coaching (and Life) Skills

This week’s episode focuses on two of the most powerful coaching and life skills.. Em and Lex discuss the importance of active listening and provide tips and best practices for listeners to be present at all times with clients and coworkers, and how to tune out distractions to better actively participate in discussions. Em and Lex also discuss an aspect of their coaching toolkit that includes asking open-ended questions to clients that can help fast-track finding solutions and seeing results. 

Here’s what you’ll learn: 

• Tips on how to be a good active listener
• Why turning off distractions is important
• How active listening helps in coaching and life overall
• Tips on taking effective notes during sales calls
• Their thoughts on listening barriers and different types of questions to ask clients
• The different types of questions that generate action, reflection or response
• And more!

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Transcript

Lexie Smith  

I'm M. And I'm Lex.

Emily Merrell  

And we're thrilled to welcome you to the ReadySet. Coach podcast. Now,

Lexie Smith  

we're not just your hosts, we're also Mama's entrepreneurs, coaches, friends and co founders of the ReadySet. Coach community.

Emily Merrell  

What began as a pandemic side hustle has blossomed into a vibrant online community crafted by coaches or coaches.

Lexie Smith  

So when we're not immersed in our coaching community on circle, we're busy managing our other businesses navigating the ups and downs of life, and of course, recording this podcast.

Emily Merrell  

This is where we dive deep into epic conversations about life, business coaching, and everything

in between. So are you ready,

Lex?

Lexie Smith  

I'm set and let's coach. Hi, Emily. What? This is so on par for today's episode, guys. Let's try this again. Emily, are you listening to me? Hi, Emily.

Emily Merrell  

Where are you from?

Lexie Smith  

I'm calling from Ventura after coming off having been in your neck of the woods for a bit now. A I

Emily Merrell  

think I'm not. Oh my gosh, is not a Canadian accent just because my husband is Canadian. Lexie, I just couldn't hear you because you weren't in my like one mile vicinity of life.

Lexie Smith  

Yeah, well, you better get better active listening. But before we dive into that, I do want to quickly recap that. I just spent what, five, five days, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, five days with Emily Merrill in real life and it. So is it I'm just kidding.

Emily Merrell  

I heard that I was listening to that. Well, I have a few questions for you on stayin with me, because I like some feedback post hosting an individual. So first and foremost, it was your first time away from your daughter for like a significant amount of time. How was that time away?

Lexie Smith  

That's a very complicated question. I think the time away was healthy for me. Because I've never been away from her for more than one night and this was three nights. So I think it was healthy for me. Did I miss her? Yes, I did.

Emily Merrell  

So yeah, that there's that. If you're like I didn't miss her. I did. I

Lexie Smith  

did. I miss her. I actually had to sleep with my sound machine on because I was like, this is weird. It's

Emily Merrell  

so quiet in here. My second question is How was your time at AmeriHealth wonderful.

Lexie Smith  

It was great. That the hostesses with the most assists. I was well fed. Very well socialized Holy Jesus. appeases we went to a book club, we went to events, we went networking, we played games, we went to a club, we did all things. So it was all a dream. How was your time with with the Smith is and the

Emily Merrell  

Smithson's Smithsonian's it was wonderful. It was really fun. It was fun. So as she mentioned, she was away from her daughter for three nights. And then on Friday, her husband and daughter came and visited. So it was really fun to be able to socialize our small toddlers together. The last time we saw them together, they were small blobs that couldn't really do much. And so it was fun to see them kind of fight with one another because as small children do, they are very territorial of their toys. So that was fun learning where I need to socialize my son a little bit more. So he's not stealing things out of kids hands. And

Lexie Smith  

I mean, it was his toys that Ashlyn thought were hers. It was funny this morning, that drop off. Austin was chillin, and then the two other like kids who were in the room started crying. So she looked at them, and just started crying, because that's what they were doing. And I felt like there was a couple of moments back and forth this weekend, where like, one of them would be really upset. And then the other one saw them and just was like, Oh, I probably should be upset too. And I was like, Oh, I don't I don't there's something primal in that. I don't know.

Emily Merrell  

But I think it's like a tribe mentality where you follow the leader, which Lexie, I feel like I'm about to tee you up for something. What else do you follow when you follow the leader? How do you do that?

Lexie Smith  

By listening? Yeah, good. Oh, okay. So transitioning into today's. We're going to talk today about active listening and the power of asking questions now. In its form, period, the power of asking questions isn't super sexy sounding right? It doesn't sound all that exciting. It's like cool. I'm a human. I know how to ask questions. But if I could get on a soapbox and say, what is one of the most lucrative skill sets, you can adapt as a coach or an entrepreneur? It's a skill of AI active listening and question asking,

Emily Merrell  

Can I also add that like beyond coaching and entrepreneur, I think for life in general, it is so powerful to be a strong listener. And a, I'm gonna say the word potent, potent question asker. In that from relationships, friendships, if you want to deepen something, I would really start exercising those core strengths.

Lexie Smith  

And what was what is not what was one of your nicknames Emily 20

Emily Merrell  

questions.

Lexie Smith  

So, hey,

Emily Merrell  

yeah, I have a problem. Like, it's literally imagine, when I meet a person, it's like, I want to kind of flip them inside out, I want to understand, like, why they are they the way they are? What makes them tick, like what excites them, what, what challenges them, and then I can really fully understand that person and support them in what capacity makes sense for, for our relationship. So we're going to talk about active listening today. So you guys know that I'm called 20 questions. And I think that this is, this is something that is so powerful to add into your life, if it's not something you're doing. So I think first and foremost, is to take a little self inventory. If you are an active listener, like think about what Alexa you probably can define active listening better, like what isn't a good exercise that someone can do, to audit themselves to see if they're a good active listener? Well,

Lexie Smith  

how about this, I'm going to give you some tips and some best practices to ensure because if you aren't doing these, then you're not active listening, I guess is the way I think about it. From a definition standpoint, active listening is when you're listening without the intent of interruption or you're truly present, you're really hearing what the person is saying. So the first tip we have is to turn off distractions, which I'm such a hypocrite in this because I'll call myself out earlier in this podcast. I was like Emily, let's talk about active listening. And then I got distracted by my phone. So in a world that's digitally connected with 20 tabs, and I have three monitors and a phone next to me, notifications, close your browser is when you're going into a sales call or a coaching call or any sort of meaningful call. Turn off distractions. And yeah, no, just well, Emily just did a core non active listening, which is interruption.

Emily Merrell  

We're crushing this episode right now. Lexie, I agree with everything that you just said from the turning off the distractions and closing the browsers and being present, especially for a sales call. I if I may, I wanted to jump in there. And say a fun tip for closing the distractions is you guys probably all do this. But the Do Not Disturb tab on on Apple or whatever your whatever your phone is made out of nowadays, pairs. Just put that on. Lexi's like coughing at me now, which is really cute and distracting, too. But put that on. So then no one can call you during your sales call either.

Lexie Smith  

Okay, so perfect, turn off distractions. And then Emily just demonstrated another tip or skill on how to active Listen, which is repeating it back. So repeat back key things you hear to ensure your understanding correctly. So this is a really great skill set in general it, it kind of really solidifies that you're hearing the correct thing and in your brain. makes it stick.

Emily Merrell  

How do you is it like a hat that you put on? Oh,

Lexie Smith  

it's it's basically a hat. So the other hat that you can do, and we all did the screen up in school, if we were good students is what?

Emily Merrell  

Taking notes. And I will say that in this day and age, we also have an advantage where we have plugins that can go into zoom to take notes for you and send you recaps of things. But read those recaps if you are not actively taking notes. I think taking notes, we do so many things all day long. And I honestly don't know what I was doing before this like that's how much our brain shifts from activity to activity. So taking notes can help you ensure retention. And they'll also give you a point of reference if you do forget something and need to go back on it.

Lexie Smith  

Thank you for bringing that up because I have actually a lot of clients who have those transcription note takers that join the Zoom meeting. And if you think about it, well that's great for after the fact it's actually going against active listening because the point of active listening isn't to recap after the effect it's to active be actively listening. So If you're taking notes yourself in real time, it's going to make sure you're retaining and understanding. Presently, much, much better. So taking notes, repeating it back, turning off distractions, also making the intent. Now, a tip I have here, if this is something, if you're self aware enough to address like, if you're someone who constantly is scrolling or gets distracted, maybe put a sticky note on your computer, and you look at it that says, active, listen, put a reminder on your calendar invites, do something tangible, that reminds you to set the intention before a given call, to be there and to be present.

Emily Merrell  

I think to your point on that one, zoom it has. It has like I say, zoom just as a general screen to screen or face to face. Kleenex, you know, yeah, exactly. I'm like it's a brand name at this point. I think it's great in that, like, you can track someone's eyes. And you can see if they're glazed over and laxness when I'm totally multitasking, and vice versa. We both have like a little jaw thing that opens up and we're like, we look a little zoned out. But I do find that I'm much more present in a zoom, than I am on a phone call. And I don't know if this is just a me thing, or anyone else can relate to this. But when I'm on a phone call, I don't know what to do, unless I'm in mood, in movement or in motion. So like, the best time that I can actively listen, is when I am going on a walk or when I'm driving, where my hands are doing something else, like I have to be paying attention to moving forward. Versus if I take the call and I go into bed or something. I'm just scrolling Instagram in the background. distractions,

Lexie Smith  

right? tasking if at all? Yeah, I would agree with that, I'd say you have to pay attention more on a phone call than when you're at your computer unless you do the do not disturb. So the number like the next big tip for active listening, and one we're gonna really really dive into is to ask questions when appropriate, and not to interrupt. Now. I am so I don't want to call myself a hypocrite. I want to say that I am a student of life. And I am a student who is always going to need the reminders here. Right? So I know in theory, to active Listen, we need to do this list of things. And I need to ask questions. That being said, I still have my moments, Emily still has her moments as you just see where I interrupt Emily, Emily interrupts me. And so that's why we wanted to record this this episode, because it's a really, really great reminder for us all. So if you're 20 years into your coaching practice, or you're just starting out, learning to prioritize this is not only going to help you become a better coach, it's also going to prove very, very fruitful on the sales process.

Emily Merrell  

And from a user who is being asked these questions, it is so flippin annoying when someone won't let you finish a thought or finish how you're feeling and just jump in and ask a question. I want to point out like yesterday, I hosted this session, but a conversation about the Middle East and a few times I had to reset that container of discussion because it got a little bit heated it was a very heated topic. And just reminding people to let the person finish what they're saying they have this stand and then if you have something that you want to say in response, I want you to do so but you have to give people space to finish before responding. So remember that when when asking questions. So

Lexie Smith  

can we bring a talking stick? I feel like that's the good interjection can we I feel like we all need to hold the virtual pretend like talking stick

Emily Merrell  

I just love the power of the mute button and I'm wish that we could meet people in person myself included like Stop stop stop.

Lexie Smith  

Hey everyone, Lex here. And M and if you haven't heard uh, we did something pretty darn cool. We

Emily Merrell  

sure did. We launched a completely free community built specifically for coaches say it again but the people the back, we launched a free community for coaches. Tell them quickly who it's for and what we're doing inside Lex, your

Lexie Smith  

thing so if for anyone from the coaching, curious to side hustlers to coaches ready to scale and through the virtual platform that we've built, we've created a safe and fun space to learn, launch, grow, connect ideate collaborate and evolve together.

Emily Merrell  

Nailed it Lex. Now while it's free, you must apply in order to gain a free membership. You know, so we can make sure everyone inside is awesome. Like us.

Lexie Smith  

Apply today at Ready Set coach community.com

Emily Merrell  

so lax. I love asking questions. I just asked questions. I don't have a structure or whatnot for it. So can you give us some examples of coaching questions or power questions that we could ask? Sure thing.

Lexie Smith  

So this is what I like to say is coaching toolkit, seals toolkit management toolkit. These questions are transferable across a lot of different use cases. But today we're talking about them in the frame of for your coaching business. So types of powerful questions. First, we have open ended questions. So these generally prompt thought and can't be answered with yes or no. So it could be like, hey, Emily, what what are your let's say we're on a sales call. Emily, what are your goals six months from now?

Emily Merrell  

Well, Lexi, working with you in PR, I would love to be on the cover of Forbes magazine and Fast Company. So then I could pitch investors and buy a mansion.

Lexie Smith  

Okay, so then the conversation will continue. But that's an example of an open ended question. Emily, can you give us another type? Or another category of question? Oh, this

Emily Merrell  

is my favorite question to ask. And I think actually, we've gotten better as I've gotten older, because before, I would just assume, but those are clarifying questions. And clarifying questions are important at all levels of business, if you're working for someone working with someone, and oftentimes, we don't ask enough clarifying questions, and we end up working harder. And rather than clarifying, like, is this how the thing was supposed to be done? So it's an example. So for example, Lexi, what specifically do you mean by put the module in the folder?

Lexie Smith  

Well, Emily, what I mean is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I think another like another iteration, too, that I've, I've used a lot lately is, here's what I'm, this is what I'm hearing. Can you confirm? Like, if I'm understanding this correctly?

Emily Merrell  

Yes. I want to add one more. One other one, too, could be something like, yeah, I need to grow my marketing. And a clarifying question could be like, what marketing tools or strategies have you implemented thus far? Yep.

Lexie Smith  

Okay, so we have open ended questions. We have clarifying questions. The next one is reflective questions. So reflective questions, encourage self reflection and introspection. So this is where we talk about our field leads. So

Emily Merrell  

to be like talking about your feelings, no, raise your hand, if you'd like to talk about your feelings that at like 1130, while your husband's like, eff off, please don't talk about your feelings. Now. Let's

Lexie Smith  

see, again, this is where your CJ and I'm Greg, those are our partners names. Okay, so here's an example from a coaching lens, how this might be, how this might be used. And actually, I'm gonna use it in a sales call, because that's a little less obvious. Let's say you're on a sales call. And you're a marketing coach. And they are spewing off about this really bad experience and how they hated their last coach and how they invested all this money, and they don't really believe in coaching, you can ask a question of, well, how did it make you feel when that coach didn't deliver upon what they said they would?

Emily Merrell  

Not not our best example, but I was. Like what you're doing with that? I think, I think what you're saying what I hear you saying Lexie is a reflective question could be like, I know you didn't have a positive experience with your last marketing coach. Why are you sitting here today? And wanting to work with us?

Lexie Smith  

What makes you want to try again? Why? Yeah, perfect. That's what I Emily just grabbed my brain. Yes. So that's a great example of a reflective question. You can also ask this a lot, you know, in coaching, right? Like, how did that situation make you feel? Or let's see, what's another one? It could be? In what ways has your perspective on this issue changed since we last discussed it basically making them really think internally?

Emily Merrell  

I love a good reflective question. But do you know what I love more? Relax

Lexie Smith  

what Emily,

Emily Merrell  

I love an action, action oriented question. I love giving homework and I think you were the homework queen. So can you give an example of what an action oriented question would look like?

Lexie Smith  

Yeah, this is actually when you pose a question that has the person come up With our own homework, so I think it's really, really easy to, especially when you're someone who's coaching based off experience, just automatically want to default to telling someone what to do. But when you phrase it in an action oriented question, it makes a person think what is my next step? So what it could be, let's say I'm coaching Emily on PR, and we have this great discussion. I could go, okay, Emily, what is your next step? Hi, are you done?

Emily Merrell  

Yes. I'm gonna go pitch Forbes. And I'm going to write 10 by lines, and I am going to follow everyone on X slash Twitter, whatever we call it nowadays.

Lexie Smith  

Okay, so what is the first thing you're going to do with your media list?

Emily Merrell  

I don't know.

Lexie Smith  

That. The point being is you ask questions that lead them to create their own to do list. Sure.

Emily Merrell  

I wish I had that. I ended. Yeah, I'd say my immediate list I'm going to girl flirt with them, is that

Lexie Smith  

we would have had a whole hour of coaching. So you would know the answer to reflect. Okay, so action oriented questions. The next category is hypothetical. This is a fun game. Don't use this to spiral because hypotheticals can cause people to spiral. There is also a healthy way to use this to to innovate to create new ideas. So an example might be what would you do if you had unlimited resources? Right. So that's an example of a hypothetical question. What are some other hypothetical questions? Emily? One that we

Emily Merrell  

use a lot is, what if What would you do if you had a magic wand to solve your biggest problem and get people to deliver to you what their problem is that they are struggling with? And hopefully, point them in the right direction to get itself?

Lexie Smith  

Beautiful? And then what is the last category of questions we want to talk about

Emily Merrell  

today? Oh, man, I wanted to come up with something clever to say this but Socratic questions. So I always like to be or not to be but yeah, yeah. To be or not to be as an unbeliever Socratic question. Wait, ready

Lexie Smith  

to be or not to be Socratic? Tick the question. There we

Emily Merrell  

go. Bad jokes. The question, here we go. Yeah. So a Socratic question is something I learned in high school that I'm going to tell Lexie to tell you about.

Lexie Smith  

So by definition, guys, a Socratic question is modeled after the Socratic method, and encourages critical thinking and can challenge assumptions and beliefs. So one of my favorite words here in Socratic questioning is why. So an example is when someone says a fact and coaching like, I just hate marketing going, Why do you hate marketing? They go, because I'm not good at it. Why do you think you're not good at it? Kind of like digging deeper, and really getting to the root of things can be incredibly powerful.

Emily Merrell  

And two, I think, yes, I think that's so true. And I think that's, you think about like two year olds, for example. And when are toddlers when they start asking why it's they get to the root of things? Why is the sun out? Why is the sky blue? Why why why, why, why until you want to leave them in the other room? Why? Because they have so many questions. They're

Lexie Smith  

all little Socrates people.

Emily Merrell  

They are there. They're like little, little philosophers of life. Yes.

Lexie Smith  

So okay, we just went over five categories of questions. You guys, I'm gonna recap them really, really quick. One more time. We have open ended questions. We have clarifying questions. We have reflective questions, action oriented questions, hypothetical questions and Socratic questions. Why, Emily, our questions so powerful and so important for a coach to to have in their arsenal?

Emily Merrell  

Well, I think there's many reasons for that lacks, but I think one is that it, it helps the individual that go inward, it helps the client go inward and actually understand what's going on versus being told what to do. So I that's a big differentiator between consulting and coaching is the coach helps you find the answers and helps you get to the answers versus just telling you these are the answers. Go do the answers. I think that's the biggest takeaway that I have.

Lexie Smith  

What about you? Yeah, I think I'm going to bring up one of our favorite I'm gonna bring up two of our favorite analogies metaphors. Question. Yeah. First, what is a coach's job so the first metaphor is the consultant goes fishing for you and delivers the fish on a silver platter. The coach teaches you how to fish on that same vein. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force them to drink. So leading the Horse to Water and teaching them how to drink is best deliberate or is best achieved through self reflection to Emily's point, how do we get self reflection and self awareness? Through question asking. So when you're able to pose questions that have your client or your prospective client, really take a step back and think it helps them retain it more, it helps them have introspection, it helps them sometimes be more receptive to what you're saying. There's even a way to ask, you know, sometimes we can use questions to get them to say exactly what we would have just told them, right. And sometimes they can hear it a lot better when it's coming from themselves

Emily Merrell  

or not, at times will also be really frustrating. There's moments where they'll they could feel frustrated, or they don't have the answers. You might get some resistance in this too. People are like, well, I don't have the answers. That's why I heard you. But keep asking those questions. And you'll get to the root issue, cause or answer. Alexei also want to add, go ahead.

Lexie Smith  

i Sorry, I sorry, i Sorry, I just wanted, I just wanted to interject right there. Because I think it's worth also mentioning, what I forgot to say is when your client answers the questions themselves, they start to build confidence, they start to feel empowered, right. And those, those are both needed in order for them to actually reach the results and operate without you.

Emily Merrell  

It builds self trust. I want to ask you, Max, also, on a question point of view, we know how powerful it is in the coaching world. But how do questions make you feel at a personal level?

Lexie Smith  

Like someone cares, right. And thank you for bringing that up. Because another core core component of coaching and having an effective coaching relationship, once you're in it, even on the sales call is developing rapport and trust, not only. So self trust is important, but trust within the coaching container is important. And if I can trust you to care, then I'm going to feel a lot more comfortable. But that's how I That's how I feel. How do you feel when you could ask questions, I

Emily Merrell  

feel seen, which is something that I want you all to take inventory on the next few weeks, especially as we go into the end of the year and early next year. Just thinking like how many people around you ask you questions, and actively listen, because there are those that ask questions like, Well, why don't you have kids yet? Or why are you married? And those questions can bring some negativity into your body. But those questions like, oh, you know, your parents got divorced when you were seven? Was that hard for you? And those questions that allow you to pause and to reflect and make you feel safe and feel seen. Pay attention to those people who are asking

Lexie Smith  

them? That's a reflective question that Emily just demonstrated, which, again, can as we iterated tapas show. While this is relevant today, in the context of coaching, this is relevant for sales. This is relevant for relationship building, this is relevant for getting a job this is this is relevant for life. This is a core skill to life. So we hope you take your homework very, very seriously. Because here's your homework, I'm not going to ask you an action oriented question because you guys can't respond to me. So I'm not gonna I'm just gonna tell you what it is. So we went over the five question groups. If you were active listening, great. You don't need to tap back. If you weren't, you're gonna have to tap back. So a little loving call out, we want you to make five categories of the five questions and brainstorm, three to four for each category that you can just have in your coaching toolkit. This is something you can can screenshot, you can print it out. It's can become a PDF, it can be a Word doc can live in your phone. But these can become core questions that you return to and so many different elements or moments or components of your coaching business in life. Love

Emily Merrell  

that homework. And with that, we will see you there next time. Ready?

Lexie Smith  

Will we see you then? On the Ready Set coach, podcast, Yoda

Emily Merrell  

I am. If you're enjoying the Ready Set coach podcast, please leave a review wherever you are listening. For more information about Ready Set, coach, Visit Ready Set coach program.com