"DadTalk: Navigating Family Communication"

In this episode, Pete and Chris discuss the importance of communication for dads. They share personal experiences and challenges with communication, including negotiating family activities and dealing with teenagers. They emphasize the need for clear and direct communication, as well as the importance of listening and understanding. The hosts also discuss the value of setting boundaries and creating dedicated family time for open and honest communication. They conclude with actionable tips for improving communication skills and strengthening relationships.

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Transcript

Pete (00:01.112)
Welcome back my unfiltered friends. After a week away, we're back here at Dad's Unfiltered. I'm Pete, and along with me is Mr. Last Minute Plan Change Chris.

Chris O'Neil (00:13.974)
That's me, the stickler for communication that didn't communicate.

Pete (00:20.372)
Yeah, no, seriously, like, I'm glad we're having this episode this week. Just some notices, you know, all I ask for, man, a little bit. I'm flexible and all, but you know, not like Kamasutras are flexible, dude. And, you know, have you noticed that like a couple of our episodes have been themed around some problematic areas for yourself? The on time thing, now this. I've asked your wife to compile a list so we can fuel next season's episodes with things that she would like to improve on you.

Chris O'Neil (00:49.854)
you think I'm doing this shit for other people man? This is my therapy. This is how I get shit out. You know, come on. And yeah, of course, I'm actually usually better about I legitimately am a major stickler for communication. And I'm obviously better about that. It was it was one of those. It was a last minute request of my daughter. There's a family movie night at school. And I knew about it a week ago. But

Pete (00:54.423)
Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (01:19.674)
I had planned to just record at our usual time. And then this morning, she's like, Please, can you come daddy? And I was like, okay. So I should have at least said, Hey, there's this possibility. It's not definite. But I just want to let you know. So that's all my that's my bed.

Pete (01:37.388)
I would have bargained my way out. I would have been like, instead of family movie night, how about we get ice cream later? Because that's more fun. That's totally how I would have played it. I would have been like, shitty movie that we've probably already seen. Junk food. Ha ha ha.

Chris O'Neil (01:47.372)
Yeah, well.

Chris O'Neil (01:56.786)
Yeah, I am not gonna lie, there have been times where I have incentivized my child with sugar for sure. But no, this is actually, it's a school thing that they put on. It's a fundraiser. And like, I'm an active part of volunteering at her school. And it's, it's a good family thing. And I, I actually enjoy it. So

Pete (02:00.759)
Oh

Chris O'Neil (02:24.406)
But this week, per our just finished banter, we are getting into a topic that is at the core of every successful family relationship or relationship in general. Communication. And our partners, our kids, anyone that you come across any

Pete (02:24.63)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chris O'Neil (02:50.958)
close relationship you have communication is the foundation of making or breaking it, it really is the thing that you can't have a good relationship without communication. So it was important that we talk about it.

Pete (03:06.688)
Yeah, I'll admit, I fucking suck at it too. I'm not gonna lie. And I know that with me, I have certain communication issues with another person in particular, whose name I cannot reveal, but I know that she listens. So let's all say hi. Hello. Thanks for driving our stats up.

Chris O'Neil (03:21.554)
Indeed.

Chris O'Neil (03:28.302)
Hi! Hahahaha!

Pete (03:31.836)
And honestly sometimes it becomes more of like a game, you know, like she doesn't communicate with me So I'm like, well fuck you. I'm not gonna communicate back and I know it's not the right way to do things, but sometimes It fucking feels good. You know, I don't know why but there's like that like that dopamine hit of like I've gotten back at you ha and

Chris O'Neil (03:47.495)
oh i don't want yeah that's exactly right yet it's the ego dopamine combination fucking amen yeah and it's and you know what here's

Pete (03:57.064)
Yeah, I mean, and communication isn't... Oh, sorry, yeah?

Chris O'Neil (04:01.174)
Here's the fucked up part of it. Oftentimes we'll do that knowing we're gonna fuck ourselves over later on, but we really want that moment of enjoyment so we do it anyway. And then we curse ourselves for fucking ourselves over later. Oh yeah, yeah.

Pete (04:15.396)
Oh man, in that moment it is so good. Yeah, yeah, just like that time that you eat that dessert you shouldn't have and then you have the shits the next day. It's just terrible. But-

Chris O'Neil (04:24.522)
Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah. It's- it's the communication version of the shits. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Pete (04:29.64)
Yeah. But communication isn't just talking. It's about truly connecting and understanding one another. I mean, yeah, I guess. So let's start the importance. I mean, it's I don't know about truly connecting, but like definitely listening and paying attention. But I mean, I don't know. This makes it sound like.

Chris O'Neil (04:47.298)
Cough cough

Pete (04:55.072)
It's like a fucking Vulcan mine meld, you know? That's what that sentence made me feel like. But to me, I don't know if you need to be on that level like that. Oh, of course you have to. But I mean, I'm just saying like communication for everybody, I mean, I don't know, man. Maybe I just suck at it.

Chris O'Neil (05:00.086)
Well, dude, it's supposed to be that way. I'm like, yes.

Chris O'Neil (05:11.403)
Oh.

Pete (05:15.464)
Maybe. I'm just stuck. I convey what I need and what I want and what it needs to happen. And I just hope that it all goes smoothly.

Chris O'Neil (05:15.67)
Well no, I-

Chris O'Neil (05:24.682)
No, and honestly, I would chalk this up to the shit we need to learn in school that we'd never learn, like how to deal with taxes, how to be financially responsible, how to work on regulating your emotions. Like, that's the shit that we need to learn for life. And communication skills are huge in that category. So it's, yeah, certain people are better at it than others. But it's also because that's not a staple.

Pete (05:47.295)
Oh yeah.

Chris O'Neil (05:54.354)
in how we all learn shit, and it should be.

Pete (05:58.216)
Yeah, well I just don't, the truly connecting and understanding one another. What the fuck? No, I understand you have something that you need to have done and you know, you convey your, the, the item, the importance of it, you know, the date that you need. I don't, I don't feel like I need to be on like some fucking emotional level in order to communicate. I just don't. And that's what it makes it sounds like. No, I know, but there's.

Chris O'Neil (06:11.648)
Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (06:19.274)
Well, no, but there's a difference between relaying information, but there's a difference between relaying information and communicating to connect with somebody.

Pete (06:28.908)
but it's just about truly connecting. It just sounds so stupid, doesn't it? Come on. Doesn't it? I mean, that sounds stupid to me.

Chris O'Neil (06:39.222)
Well, because again, what communication are you talking about? Are you talking about sharing something about yourself with somebody else or telling someone when to pick you up? Cause those are two different communications.

Pete (06:52.1)
Dude, I'm talking about communications, all kinds. But I don't think that I need to be like, it's just, it's not always all about truly connecting. I don't, but it just makes it sound, what is written here just makes it sound like it's some sort of like shampoo commercial. I don't know, it's about truly connecting with your innermost unconditioned hair, I don't know.

Chris O'Neil (07:03.55)
No, of course not always, but some of the time it should be.

Chris O'Neil (07:14.122)
Well yeah, there's cheesy ways of saying it.

Chris O'Neil (07:21.194)
Yeah, well, see, here's the problem right here. Because certain language tends to like it's like where certain people can't deal with airy fairy type language. I can't I have a very hard time with certain language, too, because it's just like, it's not that way for me. So I'm not going to say it like that. So I totally get that version of it.

Pete (07:42.848)
It's the wording that just, it's like that, all you need to do is add a hand, and they have that picture of fucking Stallone and Mr. T, and they add his hand on his cheek, and it like changes the whole dynamic of the picture. It's kinda like that. It's the way that I read it and hear it in my head that just makes it sound fucking corny.

Chris O'Neil (07:55.125)
Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (07:58.922)
No, I get that. I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pete (08:01.312)
It's about truly connecting. I like, on a fucking soap opera, these are the days of my life, you know? Like, what the fuck? I just need you to be at the mall at 5.30 to give my ass a ride home. That is what I need. Or I'm going away. This is the time that I will be away. Or not, and like ample time too. That's the other key about communication is making sure that there is enough time for preparation. Because like springing something on like last minute, like

Chris O'Neil (08:26.583)
Sure. Yeah.

Pete (08:30.728)
Oh, I know I have the kid, but I'm dog sitting, so I'll have to drop them off at 1230 the same day that you're telling them that like, no, no. I it's like, I have things set aside and you know, I, if, if you gave me enough time to adjust my schedule and such to work accordingly with your thing, then that's fine. But to drop a bomb, like on a last minute, like there's definitely more than just.

Chris O'Neil (08:38.789)
Mmm.

Pete (08:58.52)
deeply connecting and understanding each other. It definitely has to be ample time and preparation.

Chris O'Neil (09:01.291)
No, of course!

Of course, but once again, the con the communication that you're talking about is logistical, like, schedule oriented type communicating. Like, hey, I'm gonna let you know what I'm doing. Well, I guess we know why all of your relationships suck Pete, all of them, every single fucking one, because you don't connect with someone's soul while you're talking to them.

Pete (09:15.756)
That's the only communication I need.

Pete (09:27.521)
Meh.

Pete (09:33.048)
That's not true.

Chris O'Neil (09:34.698)
No, dude, I know it's a it's a valid point that we actually oh, shit, knocking shit over that we didn't bring up in our standard notes of for the episode is the different types of communication, not simply relaying information, but relaying emotion, relaying needs, relaying wants and desires like those are important parts of communication as well. And they should be important parts of relationships.

Pete (10:05.224)
I would like to say though that the reason why my past relationships have failed is because much like Justin Halpern, the author, I too suck at girls. So I just... I've never had the luck, the choices, the... It was never... I finally made a decent decision, but it only took like 40 odd years to fucking do it. You know? Like I had to wade through this crazy bitch sea. It was just... Nightmare.

Chris O'Neil (10:14.946)
Hehehehehe

Chris O'Neil (10:31.542)
Well, shit, man, it's, that's the thing. I had my fair share of bullshit, too. It's, it's growing and learning, right? That's the whole point. And I wasn't speaking of specifically your romantic relationships. I was just blasted every single one you've ever had. Motherfucker. That's the point of a joke, sir. I'm taking Yeah, yeah, me included. Yeah, we've had a very dysfunctional relationship since we were 14 fucking years old.

Pete (10:42.488)
Hmm.

Pete (10:50.184)
Oh, you included? You son of a bitch? You included?

Pete (11:00.48)
It's the weed. It's the weed in the Catholicism. It's crudice.

Chris O'Neil (11:02.074)
Love you.

Chris O'Neil (11:06.795)
Yeah, goddamn right it is. Yeah, see, there's some communications that fucked us up. Anyway. Yes. Yeah.

Pete (11:13.612)
You know, speaking of Catholicism, just a quick break between this communication thing. Don't you honestly think, like, we were fed a line of bullshit about Joseph? Do you really think he was okay with his brand new wife fucking knocked up? He didn't even have a chance to, like, putt into the rough and she's already with child. I would have been bullshit. I mean, like, I'm getting this shit annulled. I am the fuck out. But again, maybe they had good communication.

Chris O'Neil (11:35.486)
Well, and that actually brings that actually brings up a fantastic acknowledgement to like it regardless of your beliefs. Because of course, you bring up anything about that to an actual Catholic and they get super pissed off at you if you even suggest the fact that you know, but I thought Kevin Smith handled that amazingly well in dogma. Because Chris, Chris rocks line about Jesus having brothers and sisters and he was like, well, Mary was, you know,

Pete (11:50.3)
Oh yeah, they do, it's awesome.

Pete (11:57.859)
Oh yeah.

Chris O'Neil (12:03.59)
virgin when she had Jesus like, yeah, but they're still married. They had kids after Jesus was born. I was like, Oh, that is a great take on it. And a great acknowledgement of not breaking that issue that so many Catholics have with even suggesting that Joseph and Mary had sex as a married couple. And he was able to, to circumvent that I thought it was great.

Pete (12:30.7)
Hmm. Yeah, so very weird. So Chris, why do you think that communication is crucial for dads?

Chris O'Neil (12:35.787)
Yes!

Chris O'Neil (12:39.108)
Well, Pete... Um...

Chris O'Neil (12:44.938)
Well, obviously, our partners, our teammates, the people that we have chosen to spend our lives with that it's a big part of it because it's a marathon, right? It's it's not a sprint. And without good, solid communication, and effective communication, you're just going to hit walls. continually. You got to build trust, you got to

navigate life in general we challenges up the ass. Certainly, as of right now I have had more life challenges now in the last five years than I ever have. And after hitting midlife, and then having two kids being I've been with my wife 10 years this year. So certainly the longest romantic relationship I've ever had. So you got to include transparency, empathy, a willingness to listen to compromise.

Like, that's a huge part of communication. And the other one, the other big one here. Well, I already said it, but the one that's super important is listening. And this is a certainly a skill to be learned. Like, all too often, our egos get in the way of us needing not to be wrong. So we're not actually listening to what the person is telling us. We're feeling attacked.

And you know, they may simply be expressing how they're feeling. And we're like, Oh, so you're saying I'm this horrible person now because you're feeling this way. Well, no. And that's a skill in and of itself to the ability to listen to someone else and what their issues or emotions are without taking it personally and having your ego get all up in arms.

Pete (14:32.524)
Hmm. I used to be, I was told a couple times that I was a good listener. But really I just have perfected sitting there with a dumb look on my face. Like I'm paying attention. That's really where it all goes. And a lot of yeses and mm hmm. I could have been a therapist. I really could have been. But you're spot on, you know, you know, communication is not just. You know, talking, it's also the listening aspect.

Chris O'Neil (14:47.47)
Mm-hmm.

Pete (14:58.42)
But we can't forget about communicating with our children, which is not easy to connect with them, especially as they grow older and become more independent. Like right now you're like at the golden age where like you could do no fucking wrong, man. Like ride this superhero power out man for the longest as you can. Because as soon as they get older, it's weird. It's like a fucking a switch flips and it's not the same person. It's bonkers. And I was thinking about that with my kid, Karen, you know, and.

Chris O'Neil (15:09.965)
Mm.

Chris O'Neil (15:21.51)
Yeah. Well, yeah, they literally aren't the same person. They're they're becoming their own person, right? That's the thing. Yeah. And obviously, we've had in recent episode, we've, we've had a whole a whole barrage of challenges coming from your situation, which I totally empathize with.

Pete (15:27.913)
No.

Pete (15:31.328)
Yeah, the hormones and everything.

Pete (15:41.512)
Yeah, so speaking to techniques, what have you found helpful with your younger kids? Because I can't figure out a way to communicate with a fucking teenager. I've tried and tried and tried. I've just given up.

Chris O'Neil (15:55.078)
Yeah. And I, I know I'm not there yet. So I can't even speak to that. I've certainly heard of plenty of challenges speaking to teenagers and I know I'll be there eventually but

Pete (16:03.784)
But when you get there buddy, I'll be there to fucking pour a drink for you. That's for certain And did you go I told you so Yeah

Chris O'Neil (16:07.006)
all i know you will i know you up and point laughs and say i told you mother fucker yeah exactly uh... now what the big one the big technique and this is true across the board but especially with young kids active listening if any of you out there do not know what active listening is uh... there's multiple

Pete (16:30.672)
Oh, is that the one where you do jumping jacks while they're talking? That act of listening. I go for a walk. You keep talking, I'm just gonna walk away. Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (16:33.674)
Yeah, exactly. You're being active while you're listening. Yes. So you just walk out of the room while they're talking. Yeah. No, that's called growing up in my house.

Pete (16:47.588)
Hehehehe

Chris O'Neil (16:50.09)
uh... all kidding aside now active listening it there are multiple aspects to it but the big ones for me are excuse me uh... first of all i contact and so often we're in the middle of you know we're trying to be busy and we do a billion things and we're listening to our kids but we're not looking at our kids

even just holding your phone while you're talking to your kid. If you're not looking at it, that's a big thing. Put your phone down. Look at them in the eyes. When they're talking, repeat back something that they've said, Oh, are you saying this? That way they that's it's more of a definitive acknowledgement that you are definitely listening because you heard something they said and repeated it back to them. Even if they're not consciously aware of it, that hammers home the additional awareness for them.

So the big one too is letting them know that their emotions are valid. Because I find this one, especially being an emotion coach talking to a lot of dads. There's this black and white view of it. A lot of times where it's like, well, I can't acknowledge

my kids emotions and just let them do whatever the hell they want. Well, no, it's not one or the other. You're not saying no and just shut up. You're not getting what you want. You can acknowledge their emotions and say, Hey, I understand it feels this way. And that really sucks that it feels this way. I hear you. I understand how that feels. But the answer is still no. Like there's a way of doing both. And that's a big part of communicating with younger kids to the other huge thing.

is remembering that their problems, their challenges are very real to them. And how we look at them as, you know, not a big deal. It's like, how are you this upset about this stupid little piddly thing? Wait, wait till you get older and have real problems. Like, did you hear that grown up? Because I certainly did. And it's, it's

Pete (19:04.74)
Just wait until Columbia House dogs you for that fucking penny.

Chris O'Neil (19:07.634)
Yeah, there you go. But it's, it's recognizing that they only have their experience, they don't have yours. So being the more mature adult, and recognizing that, hey, I can, like, and I've talked to my wife, like, after, you know, I talked to my daughter, and she's like, Oh, God, do you believe that shit? She's complaining about that? It's, you know, there's something to be said about

while you're engaging with them, to dismiss how they're feeling about something because it's not a big deal to you is a very potent, like, emotional, emotionally traumatic thing for them. So simply acknowledging their problems as actual problems, recognizing that their feelings and emotions are legitimate, and communicating back to them about that, despite

still saying, Oh, no, you can't have that, or we're not doing this right now, or we have to go do this. That is very, very important. And and things that I have found work really well.

Pete (20:15.06)
I give it a three shot. I give them three chances, and if they keep harping on it, I end it, I'm like, the answer is no. That's where it ends. Like, you can't, because after a certain point, they are literally just trying to haggle and get their way. They're trying to overturn your decision. It's like fucking Trump in the whole vote shit. You know, it's like.

Chris O'Neil (20:32.231)
Oh yeah! Yeah yeah! Ha ha ha! Yeah!

Pete (20:37.18)
That's why you like I think with that I agree that you do need to communicate and understand and listen but at the same respect it needs to Have kind of like a moratorium like a Disney movie release You know you have so much and then it's like this is it and we're not going to go further on this Like I understand why you don't like it

Chris O'Neil (20:55.573)
Oh yeah!

Pete (20:58.02)
But we're done. But I think that's like where a lot of the parents go wrong with a lot of the gentle parenting. They let it get to the point where they end up overturning their decision because they just get so fucking exhausted by that used car dealership mentality where they just wear you down until they get that lollipop or that they stay up to watch the late show with David Letterman.

Chris O'Neil (21:15.83)
Hmm.

Chris O'Neil (21:20.768)
Well, it and that's, and that's a factor that I constantly have to address to because there that's the assumption that Oh, well, that's gentle parenting. No, that's permissive parenting. That's not the same thing. So actually,

Pete (21:32.596)
Right. And I just wanted to make that out there. Like, you can communicate, but you have to have that line drawn. There still has to be that, yaw.

Chris O'Neil (21:40.47)
Right. And that is gentle parenting. And that's my point. People say, Oh, well, you can't, you know, with gentle parenting, you know, sometimes you let it go too far. No, you don't. That would be permissive parenting. So and I don't like calling it gentle parenting anyway, because people think it's like, Oh, you're just soft and you're, you're gently parenting. No, it just means you're not beating the shit out of them and not letting them have their own opinions. That's it. So I like calling it like

respectful parenting or authoritative parenting, something like that. Anyway, yes, that is a valid point. The no needs to say no. And a big one for me is because my daughter is in this phase of please, daddy, please, daddy, please. And that's how she's it's just like a record player over and over and over again. And my wife and I have settled on the phrase my answer is not going to change.

If you continue asking me, I'm not going to respond anymore. Okay? So the answer is no. It doesn't matter how many times you say please, my answer will not change. And then we let it go. So it's that setting, like again, there's communication. The answer is still no, but I'm letting you know what's gonna happen before it happens so you're not surprised when it does.

Pete (22:51.137)
Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (23:00.578)
That's how I deal with.

Pete (23:01.004)
Yeah, usually if it goes on with that, it was always a, pick the little kid up and plop them in the room. When you stop this, then you can come out and we can continue on the day. Like, you just take your time, compose yourself, when you're ready, the answer is still no, but you can continue on with us afterward. Like, I just give them that moment to kind of separate, regulate, and then.

Chris O'Neil (23:17.939)
Hmm. Hahaha.

Chris O'Neil (23:21.792)
Yeah.

Pete (23:25.868)
Hopefully if they're able to carry on sometimes it results in a nap in a fucking break for me. Whoo

Chris O'Neil (23:31.798)
Yeah, and my big difference with that, and this is something that I'm really adamant about, because, and I'm not knocking anyone who does it, I'm just saying this is how I do it. I don't like the separation in the sense of like, go to your room and just don't come out until this changes. For me, I'll either go in with them, I'll go in.

her room with her and say, No, we're staying in this room. I'm not going to lock you in here and have you bloodcurdlingly scream trying to get out. I don't think that does anything. No, no, no. And I'm not saying you did. I'm not and I'm not even I'm not even refuting what you just said. I'm just acknowledging a difference in adding to that process to give them more tools. Because I barely

Pete (24:08.476)
Oh, I never said lock. I just said put and don't come out until you've relaxed.

Chris O'Neil (24:26.014)
know how to legitimately regulate myself. Like I've been working on this for years. And all my programming stuff is still a factor with trying to figure this stuff out. So I know that, you know, she has some skill that I've taught her that we've taught her. But it's not she's not

amazing at it by any means. So at every turn, I will, okay, we're going to take some breaths, we're gonna, you know, focus on this, how do you what do you feel in your body, I will sit in your room with you while you tantrum, you know, and just sit there. So you have someone with you, let your emotions out, I'm not going to try to stop you or teach you anything right now, your brain is incapable of receiving any new information right now. Right. So I look at it like

Chris O'Neil (25:15.126)
Granted, if she goes up on her own, like she just runs up the stairs and goes in a room, sure. I'll leave her there for as long as she stays in there. I'm not going to go and interrupt and try to you know, whatever. I just I just mean, I'm not going to initiate her going in a room by herself and telling her to stay there until she's ready to come out because she might not have the skill to do that. That's just me.

Pete (25:42.457)
Fair enough.

Pete (25:47.379)
Ah, where the hell was I?

Chris O'Neil (25:48.893)
leading by example as dads.

Pete (25:53.56)
Where the fuck is that?

Chris O'Neil (25:56.385)
Ummm

I don't know how many paragraphs down. You got it? Ha ha

Pete (26:01.308)
Oh yeah, I get it, all right. That's great advice, Chris. And as dads, we can also lead by example when it comes to communication with the family unit. Setting aside some dedicated family time, such as meals or game nights, creates opportunity for open, honest communication and strengthens our connections, which is true, but in this day and age, with everybody running around, it really is...

Chris O'Neil (26:12.129)
Ah, Jesus.

Pete (26:31.788)
uh... stressful for that whole for a lot of that uh... cuz everyone is usually running this way in that everyone is doing that keeping up with the jones is a good soccer karate paint night for the mom i don't know about with the dads everyone's drawn somewhere so would definitely take a lot of scheduling planning for a lot of that but it is definitely a good idea because i think that allot of things are missed by not having

At least the family dinner at least that one meal a night You know game nights can be a little difficult to coordinate because like I said Everyone's keeping up with the Joneses and it seems like everybody has to have on some sort of activity like my brother he has three kids and They are like when they were younger. It was like they were every which way but loose It was like why are you paying a mortgage on the house when you never fucking there? You know that kind of deal because they were always running around

Chris O'Neil (27:05.066)
Yeah. Well, yeah, I.

Chris O'Neil (27:19.572)
Hmm.

Chris O'Neil (27:28.227)
Yeah.

Pete (27:30.392)
But now, you know, it's starting to calm down as the kids get older and you know, their oldest can drive so She can take You know her brother to practice and it gives my brother and his wife some time But yeah, I mean I couldn't do it Cameron and Zachary never really were into things Like I tried to get Cameron to play baseball and stuff and he just never took into any of that stuff I always liked the video games, but

I could never keep up with that shit.

Chris O'Neil (27:58.954)
Well, you know, and that and that other aspect of that, again, with regard to communication, you know, there's a, I think, I've fallen into this for sure. I'm a big Star Wars fan, as you know, and last night, last night, I was trying to watch something, you know, she had been watching TV earlier, and it's like, Okay, let's, we're gonna change to something that

we can all enjoy it and my daughter stands up and goes well not watching star wars and my wife just looks at it goes damn someone called you out like you know just this acknowledgement of you know she just she i think because i suggest it i don't suggest it all that often but she knows that i'm a fan and i

like if I just want to put something on in the background, I'll put on Star Wars, I've seen it a million times, and I don't have to really pay attention. But the fact that, you know, she definitively doesn't want to watch it, knowing that I bring it up, and I can't say that it's not disappointing sometimes where you're like, hey, why don't we do this? And they're like, no, I don't want to do that. And I'm like, all right, well, I enjoy doing that. You know, so.

Pete (28:59.8)
Hmm.

Chris O'Neil (29:21.054)
I think the big the big thing I'm trying to do with that child communication is acknowledge or suggest things that I would enjoy, but also doing my best to really pay attention to what she enjoys, and trying to take part in that as much as possible. You know, so like, as you were saying, a lot of times it's hard to schedule a game night because

things are different now than they used to be it's not there isn't that you know clang a ling a ling a ling a you know bell on the front porch come home the street lights are on let's all sit down for family dinner that doesn't yeah what we went through rate like my grandmother that she had a huge bell that she'd ring on the front porch my mom would do the two-fingered whistle uh...

Pete (30:00.884)
I had a neighbor that had a fucking air horn

Chris O'Neil (30:15.99)
But yeah, I still and I know you did too. I still grew up during a time where you came home, you were just out playing. No one knew where the fuck you were.

Pete (30:23.6)
I had one girl that was like always looking at streetlights because like as soon as they came on if she wasn't home like it was like death for her. It was like...

Chris O'Neil (30:31.646)
uh... yeah stuff i know you almost died being outside unsupervised but i'm a kill you when you get home to the nice

Pete (30:40.856)
Tough or not, that girl was a bitch, so whatever.

Chris O'Neil (30:44.79)
well i wonder why to write if she had that level of fear from uh... her father specifically i'm sure she was acting out i was a mother but yet with regard to the family night and stuff like i think it way more out of the box thinking needs to happen nowadays for sure uh... but even there's something to be said about

Pete (30:50.584)
Eh. It wasn't her father, man.

Mm-hmm.

Chris O'Neil (31:14.582)
going bowling or playing miniature golf or doing stuff like that, where you're still out. And there's usually an arcade there, you know, look, can I play video? No, we're having family time. But but that's the thing. It's like, for me, as long as there's time together, and there's engagement and communication during that experience, then I don't mind saying, Okay, yes, you can go do this as well.

Because I remember that was something my parents did for all the challenges in communication, especially being raised Catholic where no one talked about shit until it all hit the fan, right. But it was it was always okay, if you if you do these things, if you take part in this family activity, you can also then do this. And I always appreciated that from my parents, because there were times like, Oh, let's go to the bowling. Well, can I play a video game? No.

All right. You know, and they knew that would just create an emotional issue for me. And then that would ruin the general time for everybody. So it was like, okay, compromise, we need to spend this time as a family. But after that, if you want to do like one game or something, then yes, you can do it. And that satisfied my need to have what I wanted. And then I was able to engage a little bit more. I'm trying to instill that in my daughter as well. So

Pete (32:41.604)
Mm.

Chris O'Neil (32:42.11)
Sometimes you can't, you know, go all out with the game night or the family dinners. And you know, you got to just take what you can get a lot of the time.

Pete (32:53.448)
Yeah. I, um, I'm going to share a story from my youth that I might hope happens to you with your children. So, I was, I'm three years older than my brother, and, uh, me and the kid that I, I was...

Chris O'Neil (32:57.878)
Alright.

Chris O'Neil (33:02.207)
Okay.

Chris O'Neil (33:05.962)
Wait, wait, hold on. Is this like, I hope this is a great awesome thing that happens to you? Or it's like, I hope this happens to you, fucker! Which one is it, Pete?

Pete (33:15.696)
Oh no, because it's probably the latter. So, so again, in those early days of our youth, we were able to go out and do things that you can't do these days. So, my brother's three years younger than me, and Vacation was a popular movie at the time when I was a child, and my friend had a VCR in his basement.

Chris O'Neil (33:20.049)
Yeah, I kind of thought it would be.

Chris O'Neil (33:27.499)
Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (33:31.164)
Right.

Chris O'Neil (33:39.147)
National Lampoons. Yep.

Pete (33:42.128)
And we taught my brother, we sat him down in front of the fucking TV and we replayed the, yo, fuck you mama, that scene when they're in St. Louis and they asked for the direction, repeated it over and over. We sat there and it was in the day where you couldn't just cue it up. You had to sit there and fucking rewind and then hit play and hope that you got it right. Like I think by the time we were done, you could visibly see like where we would stop it because it would like scratch up that spot on the VCR tape. Have you ever, you know that?

Chris O'Neil (33:53.657)
Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (34:08.794)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, no, yeah, I remember that.

Pete (34:12.352)
So anyway, we got my brother saying it the whole way down the street, all the way home at the fucking top of his lungs. Yo, fuck you, mama. He didn't get in trouble, but I did. But I hope something like, I hope your kids are creative enough in that way to get into that kind of trouble. Because it's funny and-

Chris O'Neil (34:27.502)
Ah.

Chris O'Neil (34:32.18)
Yeah.

Pete (34:35.108)
cute, but like, what the fuck? You know? Like, why would you do that? Ha ha ha.

Chris O'Neil (34:37.906)
No, and it's funny that you say that too. No, and I could totally I could totally picture Charlie doing that to J know you doing that, of course, I could picture that. No, but I could totally picture my oldest daughter doing it to my younger daughter. I was like, say this, say this. But I have to say to as much as swearing and language very specifically was a big issue in both of our houses growing up. It actually isn't in mine. I know, you know, like,

Pete (34:45.192)
Me doing that? Hm.

Pete (34:55.457)
Mm.

Chris O'Neil (35:07.606)
there are plenty of parents that it is an issue. For my part, they're just words. It's how you use them and what your intention is. So my wife and I swear in front of our children, we don't swear at them. We swear in front of them. But we have also had multiple conversations about the fact that some words aren't always appropriate, just like you don't wear your underwear to dinner at a restaurant.

Pete (35:15.861)
Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Chris O'Neil (35:36.842)
because that's not appropriate. You don't wear a bathing suit, you know, to church. Or we don't go to church, but you know, like there are appropriate places and words and things in certain situations. So we just acknowledge that. That is a very valid point. Yeah, good God, man. That's an adventure in and of itself. But yeah.

Pete (35:53.448)
Unless you run Walmart, then everything is null and void. There are no rules.

Pete (36:04.524)
I got pink eye just trying on glasses there for Christ sakes.

Chris O'Neil (36:07.566)
Yeah, don't do that. But yeah, it's see and there's another acknowledgement of communication. People communicate in different ways. And I think it we're doing our best to say, Hey, you know what, this is how we do something. And we don't mind. Like, she's coloring on her table. She's done this many times now where she you know, colored pencil or marker rolls off the table and onto the floor. She goes, Ah, shit, and then

picks it up. And that makes me laugh. It makes my wife laugh. I think it's hilarious. And, but again, we make it a point to say, Hey, this, this is a place where we can do that. And it's not okay in these other areas. And honestly, she's, she's been really great about it, because I haven't come down on her about it. Like, it's not a moral issue for us.

So there's I'm not yelling, hey, don't you dare use that language in my house, you know, like, that's not a thing for us. So it's much easier for the communication to land because she's not feeling like emotionally attacked and afraid, you know what I mean?

Pete (37:17.912)
Hmm. But I just hope that your kid has some sort of dedication like that. Like, I ended up carrying that same kind of prank to later on in my early parenting when I took my father in for his colonoscopy. And while we were waiting, I took and told my son over and over to say, when you see grampy, say clean as a whistle.

Chris O'Neil (37:22.891)
Yeah, I get that.

Chris O'Neil (37:30.832)
Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Pete (37:41.332)
So as soon as he saw him in the hospital in front of all the nurses, Hey, Grampy, clean as a whistle. The nurses, I thought were all gonna fucking die.

Chris O'Neil (37:41.376)
Pfft!

Chris O'Neil (37:49.686)
That's awesome. Yeah, see now there, there is good quality, fun and, and humor. Like you can you can do that shit. No, what you don't know? Do you think that's inappropriate?

Pete (37:58.283)
I don't know.

Pete (38:03.924)
No, I think both of them were both quality shit. Even the you'll fuck your mama thing. I mean, in the 80s, that was totally right on for the time. That was groundbreaking shit. That was groundbreaking shit, man.

Chris O'Neil (38:08.946)
Yeah.

Chris O'Neil (38:12.226)
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing too is it that's always stuck. Well, look at this right now. We are reminiscing and laughing about that stuff. Did it make or break you as children? Was it such a horrible thing that it was said? No, it was just your parents had an issue because Oh, this isn't supposed to happen.

So you're gonna be in trouble for it. But looking back on it, are you horrible delinquents now because you said fuck when you were however old? No. So, eh.

Pete (38:35.681)
Yeah.

Pete (38:45.56)
Right? No. It's funny though, cause during this conversation too, even when we talked about the family dinners, I have one specific memory about a family dinner, and that's because I choked on a roll from a Chinese food restaurant. And my dad had to give me the Heimlich, and I remember the roll like flew fucking all the way across my kitchen. And I just remember like, yeah, dude, legitimately was choking on a fucking roll. And I remember...

Chris O'Neil (39:02.17)
Oh shit like, like legit. Oh, I thought you meant just kind of like, Wow, you had to get the Heimlich. Wow. Yeah, that's something.

Pete (39:11.996)
Oh yeah, I remember having, we used to have, our dinner table had like the bench style seat, so it was a big long bench. And I remember my dad, like when he stood up to do it, he like knocked the whole fucking bench over. And then, yeah, he gave me the Heimlich and I remember the roll fucking like shot out of my throat and like knocked over this wooden calendar that they have on the wall and it knocked, like you.

Chris O'Neil (39:19.307)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chris O'Neil (39:38.13)
Oh yeah, yeah.

Chris O'Neil (39:43.629)
Wow.

Chris O'Neil (39:48.002)
Jesus.

Yeah, I did. I can still hear you. Technical difficulties. Did mine freeze?

Chris O'Neil (40:06.931)
I still have recording on my side.

Chris O'Neil (40:15.418)
I still have the 99% uploading and the record. Um, symbol on it.

Chris O'Neil (40:27.914)
Now the counter over here is still working on my side.

Chris O'Neil (40:38.922)
I know we say we never edit, but we might have to edit this one.

Chris O'Neil (40:45.156)
All right, I'll be here.

Recording by myself. Wow, this is the range of, now I can see, I'm just the only person here, so the range of where the camera is way out here.

Pete (40:59.166)
There we go. It's starting again. Sorry, I had to switch cameras.

Chris O'Neil (41:02.487)
Oh, see, it's still going on my side.

Pete (41:07.238)
Yeah, it's going back to one. So anyway, yeah, so it knocked off all the dates on the calendar, it was like mass chaos after I almost died on a roll. And the sad thing is, it wasn't like an egg roll, it wasn't any kind of Chinese food, it was just a fucking dinner roll. Like a regular old dinner roll.

Chris O'Neil (41:22.366)
this could break. Jesus. Yeah.

Pete (41:27.782)
Almost took my life.

Chris O'Neil (41:28.97)
shit happens man well good thing your dad new the heimlich maneuver

Pete (41:30.602)
Bastards.

Chris O'Neil (41:34.678)
That's something. I have to say one of my absolute favorite references to the Heimlich maneuver, and then we'll continue on with the rest of our episode is quantum leap. Remember that show? We're Scott Bakula. And for those that don't know, quantum leap, he was basically time traveler, but he would time travel into the bodies of other people in history. And

Pete (41:34.95)
Yeah. I guess.

Yeah, it is.

Pete (41:50.982)
Okay, yeah.

Chris O'Neil (42:03.998)
He could see himself, but everyone else still saw that person. And there was an episode where he's at this party and someone starts choking and he walks over and gives him the Heimlich maneuver. And then and he's like, oh, wow, thank you. Thank you so much. And then he just leaves and they stay on the person who was just choking. And someone walks up to them and says, are you all right, Dr. Heimlich?

So just a fantastic reference to the fact that he actually gave Dr. Heimlich the Heimlich maneuver because it hadn't been invented yet. During that time, I thought that was a great reference.

Pete (42:32.005)
Hahaha

Pete (42:40.502)
Nice. It's pretty cool, pretty cool. So, as we wrap up this conversation, let's leave our dads with some actionable tips for improving their communication skills. You got any technique that you would recommend?

Chris O'Neil (42:43.634)
Yeah. Yeah, so God.

Chris O'Neil (43:01.154)
Yes, the big one, of course, and I am one of the poster boys for this is number one mindfulness, certainly, but connecting that with emotional regulation, like your ability to show up to a communication with someone else emotionally regulated will allow you to communicate that much better. And

being present in the moment not being, you know, stuck in your head in the past or the or the future. We could better focus on what other people are saying respond thoughtfully, rather than reactively. And that's a big part of maintaining your emotional regulation is your reactivity. And your ability to just pause, take in what was said, figure out how it's affecting you and then respond instead of react. That is the foundation.

of really living life, to be honest, it's a huge reason why I'm a self proclaimed emotion coach because that is what I needed for me and I know so many other people needed for them. And in fact, there's a great quote from Jim Rohn. You're familiar with Jim Rohn?

Pete (44:21.566)
No.

Chris O'Neil (44:22.326)
He was dead for a couple decades now, but he was one of the original like Bob Proctor, like motivational speaker, you know, business coach, that type of thing. Huh? Matt Foley. Is that what he said? Yeah. Yeah, I live in a being down by the river. Yes, yes, yes.

Pete (44:35.954)
Mad Fully.

Pete (44:40.018)
I said Matt Foley. Yeah. I'm 35 years old. I am divorced. And I live in a van down by the river.

Chris O'Neil (44:51.998)
Yeah, but he was a real one. And he had some good shit. Anyway, his the age old quote of I'll take care of you if you take care of me. He was like, Yeah, that. No, that's not the whole story. There's obligation there that is, you know, and if it's not reciprocated, it doesn't work. Right. So he changed the quote, and he has lived by this for as long as he did live. But he said, I'll work on myself for you.

if you'll work on yourself for me. And the acknowledgement of course being that the only thing, the only person you can change is yourself. And if you continue improving yourself, it will automatically improve your relationships and your communication. And I think that's the foundation of all good communication is working on yourself enough to be better at it.

Pete (45:44.342)
I prefer the quote, easy miss, I've got you. If you've got me, then who's got you? That was from Superman in 1978. Still almost the same kind of thing.

Chris O'Neil (45:54.398)
helicopter scene. Yep.

Chris O'Neil (45:58.835)
There's a similarity there, I will say. Yes.

Pete (46:02.482)
There is, it's true. I've got you. I am there to support you. Well, if you've got me, then who the fuck has got you? It's all right there, laid out in front of you. But no, Chris, that is excellent advice. And I'd like to add that seeking feedback from your partners and children is also a great help to understand how we can communicate more effectively and strengthen our relationships.

Chris O'Neil (46:12.4)
Mm-hmm.

Chris O'Neil (46:25.89)
that is actually really huge. Yeah, fantastic point. One of my favorite ones is sitting my it and you'll be amazed at what comes fellas and anyone listening but certainly the fellas. Is there anything I can do better as a dad to you? And then just actively listening to their response? works wonders. So

especially as a dad, recognizing that communication is a skill, it's not just inherent, it's something you have to work on something you can get better at. And continually improving on that. By prioritizing, honest and open communication with your partners and your children, you just create that much stronger connections, relationships, and family structures. And that's, that's the whole point.

Pete (47:25.651)
Mmm.

Very true.

Chris O'Neil (47:34.518)
Yeah right buddy? Did you get lost in thought?

Pete (47:37.214)
good. No, I didn't. You want to do your thing at the end of the episode, so what I was going to say next would wrap up our episode, but I'm sure you don't want to do that before you do your thing. So I was like, huh.

Chris O'Neil (47:46.998)
Ah. Well, do you have anything else to say before? Why? Well, yeah. You can cue me into my exercise or you can say something else. Just let me know. Ha ha ha.

Pete (48:01.046)
I don't know how, but that's all over the second we take a ride up in Troy's bucket. Here's Chris. I really don't have a segue. Chris you goony.

Chris O'Neil (48:14.806)
uh... ship that was beautiful that was beautiful uh... okay fellows well in uh... in true uh... dad's unfiltered form i uh... as i had said previously i've only been one so far but at the end of every episode i'm gonna provide some actionable real-time exercises tips uh...

Chris O'Neil (48:43.266)
to do some of the stuff that we've been talking about. And I thought it was appropriate for this one to be communication with the body. So we're talking about communication. And oftentimes, and this is a big part of my hero training program, is the idea that whenever we have an emotion or any experience that triggers an emotion, it always comes with a story. And...

the story is, oh, well, this happened because of this reason, or I'm feeling sick because blah, whatever comes after because right. And the interesting thing is, it's so hard to disconnect the story from the sensation or the emotion that we often think they're the same thing. And this exercise allows you to really separate the story.

from what your body is communicating to you, so that you can look at it objectively and say, Hey, this is happening. It doesn't matter why it's happening right now. I just need to focus on the fact that it's happening. Is there anything I can do about it? Instead of launching into Oh, this always happens and blah, and then you get caught up in the story of what's happening, then you get all out of whack. So basically, this is a self check in where your goal is not

to get into the story of whatever's happening. So you start with just taking a couple deep breaths. If you want to close your eyes, great, you don't have to. But your goal is to just quietly focus on your body and acknowledge what's happening. And I'm going to do it right now. So you have an example.

So.

Chris O'Neil (50:37.322)
Right now I can taste the coffee that I was just drinking. There's residual in my mouth.

Chris O'Neil (50:48.37)
I can feel a soreness in my ankle from a previous injury.

Chris O'Neil (50:58.859)
I'm still kind of buzzing with enjoyment and elation from laughing with Pete.

Chris O'Neil (51:10.774)
And I can really feel as I'm breathing, I can feel the air going in and out of my lungs. So recognizing what I'm doing here, I'm not saying.

Chris O'Neil (51:23.346)
my ankle hurts because last week I, you know, heard it and then I was walking on it today and it really, you know, and I think that happened because I was running into, you know, see something in the bedroom and I slipped on the floor and that that's what I'm talking about. That is story. Do not connect the story with what you're noticing. And the reason this is important is that it allows you to separate what you're feeling with why it's there or

justification of why it's there or a reason to be pissed off about it. Whatever it happens to be, if you can just focus on what you're actually feeling, then you have more practice and understanding of what your body's communicating with you. Then you can actually get in and make a plan of what to do about it without getting caught up in all the emotional, intellectual,

Chris O'Neil (52:21.59)
to make sense of why you're feeling that way. So the self check in exercise, if you guys need help with it, feel free to reach out on the Facebook page, you can contact us directly to dads unfiltered at gmail.com. That is the number two, Daz unfiltered at gmail.com. And I would highly recommend you guys use that technique and practice, you will be amazed at what happens when in real time something happens.

And you've practiced enough that you don't spin out into story and you can actually focus on what's happening in the moment and adjust accordingly without getting super pissed off or taking it out on somebody else. Something like that. It's a great skill to have.

Pete (53:11.614)
Well said, Chris. And with that, we're gonna wrap up another episode of Dad's Unfiltered. We really do appreciate you guys listening to our bullshit. And we really hope that it helps, I hope that it brings some sort of levity to your day, your week, your month, or even your year. Ha ha ha. I just quoted the song from Friends.

Chris O'Neil (53:25.227)
UGH

Chris O'Neil (53:30.307)
I love you, man.

Chris O'Neil (53:38.747)
Yes.

Pete (53:41.054)
But anyway, we're gonna take the next couple of weeks off because we deserve a break and maybe you deserve a break from us, I don't know. But while we do...

Chris O'Neil (53:43.114)
Yes, Pete.

Chris O'Neil (53:50.338)
Maybe, maybe, but yes, this is our unofficial last episode of season two.

Pete (53:59.102)
Yes, unofficially, officially the last episode of season two. Um, it'll only be a couple weeks, I'm sure, just to get some shit together. I got a road trip ahead of me going to Durham. Gonna be good times, good times. Yep, yep, yep. For sure. Well, you guys take care over the next few weeks. What are you laughing at, asshole?

Chris O'Neil (54:12.542)
Alright, bullderm, yeah.

Good times indeed.

Chris O'Neil (54:26.825)
The fact that you don't know how to wrap up an episode.

Pete (54:31.93)
I don't. Will you keep fucking talking? You bastard. Alright, well, here, I'm gonna wrap it up. I'm gonna hit the fucking stop button. You guys have a great one. We'll see you in a couple of weeks.

Chris O'Neil (54:34.638)
Yeah, yeah, all right, I'll stop now

Chris O'Neil (54:42.561)
Love you.