Tim Bedore "Vague But True" Cremation Show #76

Another very funny "Vague but True" story by comic Tim Bedore, as he tackles the difficult topic of cremation. Hilarious!!  and worth 6 mins of your time...Ha!
Maybe your Family has had the same discussions??
Listen, Laugh, and Share!

Hosted by: R. Scott Edwards

Transcript

Jill Edwards: 0:02

Stand up comedy, your host and emcee presents, comedy appetizers, a podcast where you will find short comedy sets, stories and funny bits from the famous. Not so famous. Here's your host and emcee Scott sky that were

Scott Edwards: 0:22

ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the podcast and we have another special audience of one, and we're in for a treat. You've heard him before one of our favorite regulars. He was one of the stars of the Bob and Tom radio show. What he's most famous for is his series called vague but true. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tim but or

Tim Bedore: 0:44

here he is a philosopher, writer, a comedian, a man who can fool a lie detector, but chooses not to the host of the BioTrue Tim Vador. Well, thank you very much. I'm a life coach now and lots of people asked me for advice on cremation. Well, okay. One person asked me for advice on cremation, because they were concerned about getting into heaven. If they were cremated and didn't have a body, a dead body, but still have a body that could be reanimated, I guess to walk through the pearly gates. A lot of people believe that. And those concerns brought me back to my own parents and what they wanted done upon their deaths. My mom wanted burial my dad wanted to be cremated. And my mom wanted us to tell my dad that we would have them cremated, but not do it. My mom behind my dad's back lobbied my brothers and I to lie to my dad, my wife is a lawyer and she said the dead rarely Sue so we could get away with it. But it was an odd spot to be in. My mom was worried that you can't get into heaven without a body that cremation was against the will of God. And if my dad went first was cremated, thus not in heaven, because, you know, you can't escort a pile of ashes into the pearly gates. If that was the case when she died, she wouldn't know anybody up there or be without her husband and old boyfriends might be hitting on her. She worried about this kind of stuff. That's my mom in a nutshell. My dad was very opposed to being buried, taking up space expensive caskets. He thought it was all silly and not God's will at all. And if you're in it's not even your body that goes into heaven if there is a heaven, and he was very intent that his ashes be spread in the sand dunes above Saugatuck, Michigan my dad had never been to Saugatuck, but he always heard it was a nice place. Just kidding. He spent idyllic summers in Saugatuck when he was a kid and that's where he wanted, wanted his ashes spread. So that was his thought. But I remember worrying that if my dad died first, my mom was going to be an emotional wreck already. And because she thought my dad was a saint. He should be interred at the Vatican are buried with military honors at Arlington National Cemetery. Even though the closest my dad got to seeing combat in World War Two is when he was guarding a plane in Texas and a cow stepped on his foot. Why a cow decided to attack that plane in Texas. They were never certain but my dad held them off and according to my mom turn the tide of the war. Anyway, I never predicted I'd have to wonder if St. Peter would ever usher a pile of ashes into Heaven, to sit at the right hand of God, the Father almighty, but suddenly I had to, and that got me thinking if there is a heaven, and those that go to heaven sit at the right hand of God the Father. What's off on the left side? handball courts, what is he doing on the left lawn bowling? That didn't help the discussion, but that's kind of my role in the family. Anyway, the most vexing issue for me was what if we're all out there in the sand dunes. This is the big moment we're going to disperse my dad's ashes my mom is muttering about we should be at the Vatican or Arlington, but we're out here in the sand dunes. And there is no wind and I open the urn fling out the ashes and dad plops out onto the sand and lands on a Butterfinger wrapper or something out there. What do you do then pick up the Butterfinger wrapper and put it in the trash say goodbye to Dad head to the beach and go swimming. None of this seemed right. Although my dad loved candy in the beach, so maybe it would be all right. But I think it would freak my mom out. And with her fake hips, hips struggling through the sand dunes. This is all not a good idea. So this is what I told my client cremation is fine, but hang on to the ashes. Why? I saw this on the evening news an older woman widow just lost her house in a flash fire gas explosion had seconds to get out. And she grabbed she told the TV news guy she grabbed the one thing that was most meaningful in the in the house, the urn with her husband's ashes and she told the TV news guy as long as she had that urn, she was okay. She could rebuild. And I thought wow, that's the kind of lifelong love we should all strive for. And what a comfort for her to have those ashes nearby. And then I thought the ashes were the only thing in the house that would have survived the fire intact. I would have taken the TV, that's what I would have done, I would have yelled to my wife's earn honey fires done all the damage it can do to you at this point in your life. And this is a new 4k LED screen I got with your life insurance payout gotta run. Anyway, I take my responsibilities as a life coach seriously. So I told my client, if they're going to distribute anyone's remains to bring an air rifle, or leaf blower, or one of those cannons that they use to shoot T shirts into the crowds at baseball games, bring something like that, and make sure the dearly departed gets launched a reasonable distance out there. Otherwise, if there's no wind there remains might end up in your sandals because that's what happened with my dad. For Minneapolis, Minnesota where the introverts stare at their shoes and the extrovert stare at your shoes. I'm timber door for vague but true.

Scott Edwards: 5:56

Well, thank you, Tim. That was certainly an interesting story. I don't know if I'll get that image out of my head. Oh,

Tim Bedore: 6:03

my pleasure.

Jill Edwards: 6:04

Thanks for listening to this week's episode of comedy appetisers. Be sure to share with family and friends and we will see you this Sunday for our regular podcast, your host and emcee. And again next Friday for another episode of comedy appetizers. Bye