Andrea  0:00  
Of all the hurts and ways to endure trauma, what we're going to discuss really has a way of putting people in a position where they want to slam the brakes, just complete stop, pause, freeze, whatever it is. So they don't have to deal with the term, even just the term mother wound. Maybe you've never heard of it. Stay with us. I hope I didn't scare you away. Because either way, this is such a rich conversation and a delicate conversation and unnecessary conversation.

Rebecca  0:35  
Yeah, I think there's there's already probably some feelings popping up just from hearing that. And I think this one, we have some gut reactions to it. And maybe you've had one of like, what what is that? Or? I don't have that or, and there are, there are some layers here, which, which we'll talk some about today that this is hard to talk about sometimes because we we want to protect our parents and our mothers specifically we're talking about today, it can feel like a sense of betrayal to say no, there's some there's some hurt there. Yeah, some wounding there. Or maybe you're coming here with a place of saying, Oh, no, I can talk about there's been a whole lot of hurt. And it's hard to recognize some of some of the humaneness or, or some of the good. That was there too. Anyway, it's a it's a tough one. Tough, we're not ready to dive into it was a tough one to prepare for, right that what we're doing

Andrea  1:35  
what we're doing. So can we ease into it with a story? Maybe? Yes. And I promise this will be relevant, right. Okay. So, back in July, I was playing tennis, and I went to slide for the ball. And thank you, and my tennis shoe stopped, but my knee kept going. So you heard this loud pop. But we were on vacation. So you just plugged through and you keep hiking and you keep biking and you keep playing tennis because you have to, but then that pop turned into a lamp, the lamp turns into fate, you know, like throbbing, and then all of a sudden, I'm feeling this throughout my entire leg. Like my quad is really knotted up and the top of my foot hurts and my calf is hurting. I've now learned to drive with my left foot because my right foot hurts too bad to drive with. And then finally, I was like, This is enough. I've got to go see an orthopedist. I get the MRI, I get the X ray. I meet with the orthopedist who shows me that the source of the pain is the swelling right behind my kneecap and arthritis. So this tiny little area that finally we get to see through all this imaging and time with this doctor has radiated into all sorts of different symptoms and grown well past the area of just my little kneecap. So you know where I'm going with this.

Rebecca  3:06  
That's a that's a great analogy, because we feel those symptoms that come out in other ways. And sometimes we don't always we feel the symptoms but not always knowing the source or in this case you did but out how true is that of us when we're talking here about Mother wounds that you we might come in to therapy or to coaching saying cure all these symptoms I'm having here all these ways that that this pain is coming out sideways. And hopefully with a good coach or therapist we can we can go more to the sources of where some of the Where's some of that hurt? Or is that some of that pain coming from and some deeper healing that is waiting for us there.

Andrea  3:53  
But nobody walks into therapy saying so I've got this mother wound, right? They don't like me like after

Rebecca  3:59  
listening to this podcast, maybe?

Andrea  4:03  
Hey, that's that's one small goal. Yes. But like I didn't walk into my orthopedist with I've got arthritis and edema in my right kneecap. I had pain I was limping, all this, all these things. So could you define mother wound firms?

Rebecca  4:19  
I think it will come out in different ways. But when I was thinking about it, of where where was your mom, not who you needed her to be as a kid. Whether that is from being emotionally checked out, even even towards neglected, whether that's from being overbearing and strict, more more authoritarian, all the way to abusive but were were were there some ways where your mom was not to you needed her to be

Andrea  4:57  
okay, if you can see both of our faces right now, because right That's hard. Because your mom's your mom. Yeah, yeah. But everyone's mom is a human being. So there are. And I'm not saying that to be trite, but because she's a human being, we as human beings are both good. And there's brokenness to us as well. So not connecting as a little little girl can turn into difficulty connecting as a woman. That's what makes this so important.

Rebecca  5:32  
Adam Young says something like that we can acknowledge the good and our moms and, and just put that in a box on a shelf, while we are examining the ways that we've been wounded. And Jay stringer says a similar way of looking at our story. And here we're talking about looking at our moms with honor and with honesty, both of those, and those don't feel like they go together. Because to say, Okay, let me honor the humaneness in my mom. But also, let me be honest about the ways that I was hurt or the way she she wasn't or couldn't be what I needed. Those Those won't feel like they go together, but don't they, but don't they.

Andrea  6:25  
I like that you knowledge that they don't feel like they go together. But it's just feels like a reflex. I know even for myself, that I'm eager to protect my mom. And I think that that's why people do want to slam the brakes, because honor and honesty don't feel like good partners, but they are necessary partners in this. But looking out for the little girl that you were. It's important to healing into the woman that you are and are meant to be. So let's give that little girl some relief, some answers because she deserves it. So can we explore some of the ways that a mother wound can show up in our lives like the symptoms, right? I didn't walk into my orthopedist, like I said with the edema. But I walked I limped in with a lot of pain and some some other symptoms. So what are ways that a mother wound can radiate into our lives?

Rebecca  7:22  
Sure, sure. Well, I mean, we could throw around some fancy words like in bashment. Differentiation, but but really we're talking we're talking about hurts when talking about pain that comes out in other ways. So for for someone that might look like not being your full self, because you don't want to be threatening to others. You don't want to be that overbearing presence. Having a high tolerance for people treating you poorly. Just taking that in or, or emotional caretaking of others taking on everyone else's needs and making sure they're good so that I'm good. Feeling competitive with other women. And maybe a sense of of being threatened, they are to self sabotage. If I have something good for a little while. Then if I self sabotage, I'm in control, I have the power that to when for when it ends, no one else can take that away from me that I'm the one doing it being overly rigid or dominating with others self, and even coming as conditions more like eating disorders or depression or addiction.

Andrea  8:43  
So just the idea of Mother wound in and of itself is heavy. But the list that you just shared is equally heavy. And I hope that anybody who's listening, if maybe you never considered a mother when before but you can identify or say, Oh, crap, I think that's me. Or maybe that's why I have this pattern showing up in my life, or the self sabotage all of it. If it connects, I hope you continue to listen. Because there's so much more we can say on this. This is just a tiny little conversation. But I hope and I pray that you allow it to be a way that you can start the conversation with yourself with honor and honesty also, as you think back about your mom. I know that we for myself also like to make excuses. She did the best she could. She didn't mean to do that. She didn't know any better. Why don't we do that? Yeah,

Rebecca  9:49  
I think that that the the that unit, we want it to be good. We do. And if there's a sense of while if I, if my parents were were good, then I'm going to be okay, then I can I can my world is safer, more predictable. And there may be some truth to it as well, that she did do the best she could. And we can say that and still with that honor and honesty, right, and still be able to acknowledge that there was some hurt there.

Andrea  10:29  
It turns into sometimes looking for what you didn't get. Because like you said, we, we want for we long for that, that union that bond with our mom. So why do your relationships dissolve? Why do people treat you like a dumping ground. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved. And you're longing for love. And the way it was Miss might look now like an addiction, or constant comparison. So let's try moving through it. I what I really, I am encouraged by our conversations is that we are not staying stuck in it. We can, we're if you're watching, like I hope you see both of us using both hands, there's a lot of two handedness and this to be able to acknowledge and move through the good and the bad, the honor and the honesty. So use both hands with awareness as you move through this. Because naming a mother wound is hard. I want to protect my mom. And I'm also a mom. So flipping it the attention to me, all of a sudden, gives me but I can't even go down that road road just yet. So let's just stick to how to honor your mom, with honesty in this process.

Rebecca  11:47  
And yourself to that by those words honor and honesty they share they share a route there. That again, they don't feel like they go together. But but to by by by being honest about some of these wounds, we can honor ourselves some more to say yeah, these are some ways that I've been hurt. And that's, that's being honest. But that's also bringing to light. Some things that are hard. I want to encourage people to that it this is these can be hard to recognize maybe there's some real new stuff, or maybe you've been down this road for a while. It can be hard to recognize some of the ways that our pain comes out sideways. So that's right there. That's hard work. And on top of that, it can be hard to acknowledge it and be able to say yes, there is pain there with some more honesty. And if you're the type of person who says great. Now, what's next? How do I fix it? Yeah, to start here, by recognizing it and acknowledging it that there is some some amount of healing that can come even just from the app. But even just that can be some hard work. So

Andrea  12:59  
you reference atom and putting the goodness of your mom on the shelf for a little bit while you consider the wounding for a little bit. The knot being stuck is then taking that goodness back off the shelf. Right. So let's talk about healing. Let's talk about not being stuck because identifying a mother wound is not to say my mom is bad. Identifying a mother wound is to name the wounding and then move through it towards healing. And that is that's the regeneration. That's the Reformation as the transformation. Henry now and says, When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we become wounded healers. Hold on. It's I'm sorry. I mean, I wrote it down for a reason. But it is just hitting me. So is there a better kind of healer than a wounded healer? Because the school of pain and shame is powerful. But to be a wounded healer means you move with a different kind of awareness, a different kind of compassion and empathy and love and honor and honesty. You've done the work to name the wound you're aware of? Oh gosh, it's it's hard but this leads to exactly what I was just going to say is that grief and anger are necessary and uncomfortable. But they're okay. There's there's a place for them here. Yeah. In this process.

Rebecca  14:45  
Yeah. As you're talking, I'm thinking about how much we have this literal picture of Christ as our wounded healer, who, who fell a couple times on the way Who who asked for her who needed help to carry across that was heavy that was hard that we we see him and we we can look to him through this too if this is if this is hard to look at our pain. To look at our humaneness our our mom's humaneness number two, we have Christ to look at as our wounded healer and his and his humaneness.

Andrea  15:44  
As we named the wounds and I feel like shame is a real bully, and this to start saying things like, Oh, you are complicit though. Or you keep letting it happen. You didn't find you know, you didn't just find your voice or whatever it is. How do we bully the bully out? Is that a fair question?

Rebecca  16:18  
I think bringing back to that, that you're a kid remembering who she was, who she is still

Rebecca  16:39  
that now maybe you're listening to this as as an adult or are certainly older, that you can look back and see some things but that you were a kid. And think about how you you treat kids. Now when they're in pain you you may get get small yourself and sit next to him. You may you know in kind of a softer voice say, Okay, I'm here. You might give give them give them some time to let those feelings come out. Because they will and they'll come back to themselves too. But leave some room for it. Bring that kind of compassion to yourself being a little kid.

Andrea  17:36  
We have mentioned on here a couple of times the idea the concept of rupture and repair. And I if the rupture is the mother wound, the repair is still necessary. And so what a great opportunity as a grown woman to love on the little girl that you were and with the your wounded healer with Jesus. Sit down and consider how to repair instead of a spiritual practice. Maybe we could just end with a prayer for our listeners. Yeah. And before we get to the prayer, there's so much more we could say on this. Always. There's so many layers. There's so many opportunities for different tangents and ways to look at this and how to move through this. And so the conversations will keep coming. We're here and we're ready for them. So if anyone has another question or another need to please send that in, because we would love to walk with you through that

Andrea  18:54  
I just pray for every woman listening. God would you speak being into her? Holy Spirit open her heart to ways that she's been wounded and being near her she grieves as she gets angry. And as she learns to forgive God you see the little girl now woman listening. Arm her with honor and honesty to hear your words. You are precious. You are lovely. I see you. Lord, give us hope and eyes to see the new thing you're doing. Where there's a void and this precious woman listening Fill her up from Isaiah 49 Can a woman Woman Can a mother forget the baby who was nursing at her breast? Can she stop showing her tender love to the child who was born to her? She might forget her child. She might But I will not forget you I have written your beautiful name on the palms of my hands I am your wounded healer