The Three C's of Healing

This episode of Sacred by Design delves into the often-overlooked issue of pornography addiction among women. We highlight the nature of pornography, the shame it brings, and the silence women maintain around this struggle. We want to break this silence by offering the three C’s: (Content, Coaching, and Community) showing the importance of integrating knowledge through resources, personal coaching, and supportive communities.

You are not alone in your journey; we see you, and we are here for you!

Contact us today: If you have a question, comment, or need help, email us at info@regenerationministries.org

Free Resources for you!

👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Transcript

Supporting Women's Journey Through Pornography

Speaker 1 0:22

Welcome back to Sacred by Design. I can't even contain myself, because it's a whole couch. It's a whole couch, it's a whole couch and we are here to, right off the bat, just invite you into a conversation that opens the door to understanding that pornography can be and is a problem for women, not just for men. Pornography is so sneaky, right, it's just isolating, and then it just ushers shame in, shuts the door and wants to leave you right there. We're opening the door and we are all here to have a conversation, and so settle in, get ready. Our heart is for you, we have prayed for you even before we hit record, and so, yeah, I hope you enjoy this. The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. Pornography is this masterful tool to come to kill, steal and destroy? Is this masterful tool to come to kill, steal and destroy? And for women, we almost do this more in silence, more in secret, because it is not talked about as much, and so, while the enemy may come to kill, steal and destroy, he does not always get to, and so this conversation is an opportunity for other women, to hear women's voices talk about how we can invite God into this conversation, how we can bring this issue. If it is an issue for you, to Jesus right Amen.

Speaker 1 1:57

And we have three Cs. I've talked a lot so I'm going to be quiet. Three Cs we're going to cover content. We're going to cover coaching and community. These are three Cs to help you, as a woman, identify and walk through your addiction, understand it a bit better and how to move through it. So content I already have a couple things Strong Like Water from Andi Colbert, which was amazing Her Freedom Journey. Dr Julie Slattery and Joyce Karka Dr Joyce Karka Amazing books to help. What other content there's so much I have my Try Softer. Andi Colbert.

Speaker 2 2:42

Thank you, andi. I think, even Unwanted by Jay Stringer, is really good. I think too, though, one big, big content is the Word of God. Right, like, how are you using the Word of God in your journey? Because you can't do this without Him and you need His truth Especially. You know Andrea talked about the enemy in his voice, like the Word of God is a way to ensure that you can shut up the enemy. And so what are the ways that you are? Taking the promises of God, using the promises of God, praying the promises of God, hiding the word in your heart and even, like, with some of the promises, you know, maybe you don't believe it now, but it's still true. Even if you don't believe it right, it's still true. So how do you start to even claim it when you don't think it's true for yourself?

Speaker 3 3:40

I'm so glad for the way we're framing up this conversation today because we're talking about these three C's, this conversation today because we're talking about these three C's, but really how all of them get at different pieces and together are such more of a stronger and more supportive way to walk through some of this.

The Beauty of Coaching

Speaker 3 3:58

I think all of these are so good and yet if we just have the content, without the other types of support, there can be a little bit of a lie or a tendency that we can have of like, if I just know enough, if I just learn enough, if I just have the right insight, then I'll be able to do this without talking to other people, without getting help, people without getting help. And yet it's such a key, we know it's such a key part when we're walking with clients to help bring some really good, solid knowledge, to bring some of those insights, to bring another lens that they can see patterns through and by being able to see some of those, be able to perhaps, we hope, catch themselves in patterns before they're kind of on the merry-go-round. All that to say, I like how we're talking about how important it is and how it's connected with these other scenes that we're going to talk about today how would you all encourage people not to rely solely on the content, like some people can look at the content as the savior right.

Speaker 2 5:12

They look at the content and go kind of like what you were saying, rebecca if I know it all, then just the knowledge in and of itself is good and that will free me. So, like, what suggestions would you offer to someone if you know? They come to me? They come to you, annie. Go, well, you know, tell me what books to read and tell me what videos to watch, and are there any conferences to go to? Right? How would you encourage them to make that picture a fuller picture?

Speaker 1 5:45

Well, all those suggestions are good, but they're not enough.

Speaker 1 5:48

And they just don't get to the part of hiding and being embarrassed and feeling alone and feeling unique and different. It just only talks to your head and not your heart. At the same time, there's so many segues, it is so connected, and so there are videos, there are conferences, there are books, there are Bible studies, there are podcast episodes, there are ministries devoted to women who love Jesus and are struggling with an addiction to pornography. So you are not alone, but it's important not to stay alone, and so coaching is a beautiful way to introduce one other person, one other person, into that conversation. Let's talk more about that.

Speaker 2 6:44

So let's talk more about that. Yeah, you know, I think, when you can identify that the pornography is not a sex issue but it's an intimacy issue, and so I think coaching brings a level of true intimacy. Right, you're with someone who is going to know you, all of you, the good, the bad and all in between right. And so there's this opportunity to feel what it's like to be truly known by someone. And that's scary, out in the real wide, whole wide world. Right, that's pretty scary, is like to go to someone and go, hey, here's all my stuff and I don't know what you're going to think about me, I don't know what you might say about me later, and so I know that's a scary thing. And so maybe a first step is where's the safe place I can go, where I can share all my stuff and say, maybe stuff I've never said out loud ever Often To anybody right.

Speaker 3 7:48

I mean, I think that's often an experience of someone coming in and saying I've never talked about this before. This is the first time I'm really, really talking about this. And coaching does offer that space Thinking back to the content where you can, when you're reading something or listening to something, and the content can help you to put words to something maybe that you experience but you haven't had words for before, or be able to give you, like I said, a lens to see things through that you haven't found before. You haven't found before how helpful that is to now have words, to now have a picture, to now have a lens, to now have a framework to see this through. But then, so you have some of that knowledge, but through a book or a podcast, they don't know you, they don't know your story.

Speaker 3 8:40

They don't know how it connects to your particular unique life. So then, to take that content into a place like coaching, where it can be connected we talk so often about this, but connected with your story. So take what you're learning, but how has this played out in my life? How is this coming up for me, and I think especially for women in this area, helping them to make that connection, especially if it's hard to find good content for women specifically, or if they're finding good content, but how does this connect with me in a particular way as a woman, that coaching can offer a space to help integrate some of that. So it might be you read something on the page and something kind of lights up and you say I get that, I know that and then in coaching, to be able to like you said further make that connection from okay that and then, how does that connect with my life, my story?

Speaker 1 9:45

okay that and then how does that connect with my life, my story? I just love, rebecca, what you're saying, and in coaching, I know there's a lot of C's here, but the word comfortable is that, as coaches, we're comfortable talking about it. It's not something we're afraid of or it's not something we don't talk about very, very often and we're comfortable.

Speaker 3 10:07

That's good.

Speaker 2 10:08

That's really good. Yeah, yeah. I mean I can think about some women I've met with and they share something and I think they brace themselves right, like what is her response going to be? I was like what is her response going to be? Is she going to have a surprised look on her face? Or is she going to say I'm weird, or whatever? And when I can come back with compassion? Sometimes it's just so blown away, that disarming.

Speaker 3 10:39

Yeah, no, you're not creeping up on what I'm telling you. That's a beautiful experience too, especially when someone's really been carrying something and silence them, when there's a lot of shame, where they haven't talked about it before or maybe they have and it's been a bad experience. But to come in and to be received, to be met there by someone who says, yeah, I'm not putting you in another category, I'm saying putting you in another category, I'm saying come on in, it can be a beautiful experience and the start of some healing, just right there to be received, and that I'll say too. I wonder if anybody else has this experience, like so often, I think, clients coming in and feeling a lot of that shame or like, oh, I'm so and so scared to talk, or yeah, ashamed and anxious, so they're like not making eye contact or they're you know kind of kind of feeling.

Building Intimacy Through Community Healing

Speaker 3 11:38

I feel them feeling small, you know. And then if they, if they gave a glance towards me, I'd be sitting there, probably beaming, being like, yeah, keep going, like, keep going, because really, like, as much as they're bracing themselves, like what is this person going to think of me? I'm thinking I'm so like proud of you for stepping out, for saying yes multiple times, for saying yes to starting this, for saying yes to coming in the door, to saying yes to talking to me about this, and it's like a funny dissonance, in a good way, between what they're feeling and what I'm feeling, because truly, truly, so often I'm feeling, yeah, bring it, bring it, bring it out, bring it out the value of the head nods in this space right now and the smile and the hand gestures like that is the beauty of coaching To have an unloading of this story or this experience and have another human across from me just like, oh, that was hard.

Speaker 1 12:43

Or I am so proud of you.

Speaker 2 12:48

Or how does that feel? Now, you just let that go. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful experience. It is, and again, now you get to experience this level of intimacy that's so different from trying to connect with images on a screen or words on a page. It's wow.

Speaker 2 13:06

Here's what it feels like to have somebody really kind of see all of me and to even like, when I think of it, I think of it, I see it as like holding a person's hand and we're going okay, we're going to go to the edge of the water and we're just going to get our toes wet and we'll let the water splash up and we don't have to. You know, we can just let the water get our toes wet. Okay, maybe now we can w I'm going to take you, just throw you deep in and just let you flail around, but really just even being led to places, because sometimes there is uncomfortable thing, there are some uncomfortable things to talk about, and the one thing that comes to mind is when, as you start to kind of delve in and connect stories, when you start asking okay, you're watching pornography, would you tell me what kind it is? Right? Yeah, you know what are the themes in it, and that can be.

Speaker 1 14:18

Are you feeling it right now? Yeah, like what we're going there.

Speaker 2 14:22

Exactly. We're going there Exactly, exactly, like I can tell you so many women who have come and who, would you know, consider themselves wholly heterosexual but they don't understand why. They're looking at it as being boring. But there's a story there and there's a way to uncover that and it doesn't make you like some weird person. But we'll take our time getting there, right take our time getting there right.

Speaker 1 14:49

Yeah, one of the coolest things that we've done in coaching recently or I've been doing more and more of, is fantasy framework and the dismantling of oh, this is my go-to. This makes me feel this, or this is why I go to this, whether it is lesbian porn or dismantling the scene and appreciating the details and understanding where in your story this has maybe come in before, and to understand. It's not that you're dirty, it's not that you're bad, it's not that you're gross, it's not that you should be quiet, it's you needed kindness and you didn't get it. You needed somebody to hold you and she wasn't there. When you can get to the core of it, that is powerful work. That begins with content, for sure, but then within the privacy, confidentiality and safety and sacredness of coaching yeah, the confidentiality piece is so safe.

Speaker 1 15:47

And it's your pace is valid.

Speaker 3 15:52

It's confidential.

Speaker 2 15:53

Yes.

Speaker 1 15:54

You know you're grieving your story. You're grieving having to come, feeling like you have to come.

Speaker 3 16:03

It's okay, there's also a uniqueness where it is a particular kind of relationship that's one way, right, but because of that you can sit back and just you're just there for you, right? So there's, it's unique, but there's kind of a because of that uniqueness, there's something good that can happen there where you don't have to worry about taking care of the other person or if you're taking too much time or something like that, that time, that space, those conversations are wholly there for you, which is vulnerable, which is a little nerve-wracking sometimes. Which is a little nerve-wracking sometimes, but it can also be a relief just to be able to more deeply focus on some of these things that we get into.

Speaker 2 16:58

Yeah, and I think that's a really good point, like not have to be concerned, because I think we've all probably been in situations where you kind of share something and then the other person goes, oh yeah, well, for me it was, and then all of a sudden the role has shifted. Yeah, and then you don't get to really be in that place of receiving and being cared for.

Speaker 3 17:18

Now you have to switch and try to care for somebody else which can be its own helpful thing, but having a separate space, yes, like this is where I go to sort through kind of my stuff here and I know that I have like the freedom to do that, but kind of it's protected to do that too, I think is helpful.

Speaker 1 17:41

So we've discussed two of the C's that are really solitary. Yes, we introduce a coach, but then community, community is key also, and that can be scary but so necessary. So how do we find community? What is the point of community? Shared understanding, shared suffering. I'm not alone. You get it. Oh, you do that, you've done that, you struggle with it. You know, midnight, middle of the night, early morning, you struggle too. Someone's maybe, you know a month ahead, and they've been able to, you know, put some things in practice and then you feel stronger that you can do it too. It's the secret sauce. Yeah, it is.

Speaker 2 18:36

Yeah, and Jesus never healed in secret, right. He always healed in the presence of others. And so I think one of the things we like to say here regeneration is healing happens in community, right. So your heart can get better when you are around other people, and that's knowing that it's healthy community, right. And that's knowing that it's healthy community right, not just being in spaces where it's unhealthy, but really, how do you find that community where there's shared experiences and value, right?

Speaker 3 19:18

Because there's no sense in trying to share with someone if they don't have the same values that you have.

Speaker 2 19:24

Helps to build trust when you have that shared, those shared values, and it's being able to also say, oh, that particular community isn't safe. Like to know the difference, to know that am I in a place where, if I share my heart, my heart will be handled well. They will care for my heart, they will reflect Jesus back to me. I won't feel condemnation or shame, but I will understand what it feels like to be loved by Jesus in the midst of this.

Speaker 1 20:01

Just feels like your great cloud of witness is gross. To encourage you and spur you on, I think about the Strong Like Water group that we did, rebecca, and just the head nods, but like times five right, and everything that you're saying, anne, about being able to say, oh, you tried this, or I struggled this week, or this was great. It's just to grow your circle as you're moving towards wholeness. People are so valuable.

Speaker 3 20:31

We're not meant to do this alone. Yeah, and I think of the dichotomy of shame's biggest lie is telling us we're alone and we deserve to be alone, right. And then here in community, those head nods saying, yeah, me too.

Speaker 2 20:46

I've been there too.

Speaker 3 20:47

Keep going Like we're here for you. What a contrast that is. Inevitably that's one big theme that people take away, of feeling strengthened and more confident by not feeling alone, by being able to join and talk with other people, and how there's some deepening of healing just through that. Mm-hmm, I'm so isolated. This thing over here and then the rest of my life isn't right. So we like to say sometimes, like you didn't get here on your own. Really, Once we start kind of opening things up and taking a look, you didn't get here on your own, so you're not getting out of it either, even though I think there can be a feeling of like I don't want other people to know, so I want to try to just swim out of this riptide on my own.

Speaker 3 22:10

I want to try to just get out of this on my own to help, and maybe that is starting with content and then introducing a coach and bringing in community. Maybe through some of those steps can build some of that strength and some of that confidence of okay, it's okay to let people in to help walk with me here. I love that image with Jesus, though, of how communal God is, of how incarnational it is, of how Jesus heals us, and in community too, face-to-face with other people, something does start to shift. I think even people feel the anxiety they feel in their bodies. But to be able to hear somebody else say, yeah, me too, I know, I know, I know what you're talking about. There's something. Oh, it's like fresh, fresh air coming in and it doesn't stop there, but wow, that can be a really powerful wind in the sails to keep going, yeah get started.

Speaker 2 23:21

Yeah, and I even think, like so, for what ann said, like there are going to be people that are maybe have gone ahead of you and they really experience from change and some transformation, and so there's that other piece of hope, right is that? Right Is that? Oh, like that person was where I was and look at where they are now and, my goodness, they they're doing OK, that they came out of this, and so you know, if God can do that for them, he can do it for me too. Just even to have that kind of encouragement available when you can see someone who was once where you were and to see their growth is an amazing thing.

Speaker 1 24:12

And any amount of growth is worth celebrating. It sure is. Say it again.

Speaker 2 24:20

That's right, anne Say that again. That's right, anne Say that again, because it's just like baby steps are still steps forward.

Speaker 3 24:29

And often like it's easy to discount our own small steps like that, but other people will be able to catch us a little bit more Because we'll be the first ones to say but I could have done this. I could have done more I could have done it sooner, but for other people to shine a light and say, hold up, hold up, let's celebrate that moment right there, let's celebrate that bit of growth. It's really good.

Speaker 1 24:58

Yeah.

Speaker 2 25:00

And as coaches, you know, as coaches, we're going to always yes, we're going to encourage celebration.

Speaker 1 25:05

Yes, All the time.

Speaker 2 25:06

Like go spend some money on yourself, go back, get some ice cream. Do like cheer, get, let's do something.

Speaker 1 25:13

Is ice cream your favorite way to celebrate?

Speaker 2 25:15

Because you mention it a lot. Well, Actually I don't do ice cream, but I know a lot of people do, so I suggest ice cream If it was me it's going to be pizza.

Speaker 1 25:27

Okay, good, good.

Speaker 3 25:30

Cheers.

Speaker 1 25:34

Oh man, I love how the content is head knowledge, and then in coaching you move it to your heart, and then in community you really need to exercise heart. And then in community you really need to exercise with the group and release it and receive it. There's such fluidity to all of it, and there's no good or bad place to start right. Right you just start Right. You might be ready to jump into community and someone might need content to baby step you know, and yeah, start somewhere.

Speaker 3 26:11

Yeah, start somewhere. And even though we're saying all three of these really can pair in ways that are unique, but offer some really strong supports, but start somewhere. Start where you're at and then grow from there, that's okay, and hopefully you know wherever you do start. We'll cheer you on to keep adding some of the other ones.

Embracing the Three C's

Speaker 1 26:37

For sure I just feel like I keep hearing the Lord asking where are you? That question, where are you? Are you sitting alone with the content? I see you and I love you. Are you considering coaching? I see you and I love you. If you're ready to dive into community, I see you and I love you. But where are you If you're a woman who loves Jesus and is struggling with pornography? The Lord is asking where are you? And here are three amazing C's to consider that involve confidentiality, confidence and celebration. We've got more C's Hold on, and ice cream and pizza.

Speaker 2 27:21

And confetti.

Speaker 3 27:26

That's my favorite C, Andrea. Even right there, I think how in Scripture, when God says something important, He'll often say it more than once and even just now, like repeating it, I could hear it. Okay, Okay, I'm taking it in. And how I think these three C's do that in a way that in all three of them we might absorb a little bit more of some of the deeper truths, Like in content we might know on a head level okay, we're not alone Statistically. I'm reading stories or I'm seeing statistics that other women struggle with this too. Right, but in coaching, in a particular way, we might also be able to take that in.

Speaker 3 28:06

Okay, it's not just me. Like this person has met with people before, Like this person is not shocked by me but is able to receive me in community. I'm seeing head nods, I'm hearing yeah, me too girl from other women, and how each one of those helps us to take it in a little bit deeper. And I think there's many examples we could give of that. But then that's why we're saying how good this is, because we need to take it in a little bit deeper, and how each one of them can kind of help us take in another layer to connect the head and our heart, and maybe it's our hands with community.

Speaker 2 28:46

That's good, that's good.

Speaker 1 28:48

What a gift. I think I say that every time, but I mean it. If I don't mean it, I'm not going to say it. So thank you, thank you, thank you. It was great, so good, great having this conversation, yeah.