Who Holds Your Story, And How Do You Know

What if the thing you fear—letting people in—is the very thing that heals you fastest? We open up about why isolation intensifies shame, why “being right” without being known leaves you empty, and how a few safe relationships can anchor recovery, restore trust after betrayal, and steady your identity when everything feels uncertain.

We get practical about building community that actually helps. You’ll learn how to test for safety with small disclosures, look for integrity and honesty over warm fuzzies, and invite people who can play three vital roles: mirror (reflect what’s true), flashlight (illuminate options), and sandpaper (gently refine). We unpack rhythms that make connection feel secure—a standing coffee, a weekly check-in—and how prayer sharpens discernment so you can sense who’s trustworthy. 

If you’ve been hurt by community, we name that grief and show how to re-enter wisely. Needs change across seasons; circles shift; God still provides the right companions for the chapter you’re in. We talk about interrupting addictive spirals with one simple text, why listening can heal more than advice, and how Jesus’ withness reframes everything—because love doesn’t demand you swim the ocean alone. You don’t need twenty people to begin. You need one safe person and a baby step.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review to help others find conversations that lead to real healing.

Contact us today: If you have a question, comment, or need help, email us at info@regenerationministries.org

Free Resources for you!

👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Transcript

A Riddle About Community

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Okay, I feel like I should almost start with a riddle. Like, what's both a gift and a mess? What do you both give and receive?

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Community.

Why Isolation Intensifies Pain

Defining Community By Quality Not Size

SPEAKER_01 0:39

We were talking about it beforehand. It is all the things. It is all the things. And yet, um, to be alone is especially, especially if you're struggling with an addiction. Um, if you're struggling after discovery of a betrayal, if you are grappling with who Jesus says you are and what he says about you, you don't want to be left alone with those questions. No way. Yeah, you don't you don't want to be in your own head with that. No. No. So community is also a bit scary. It is. So let's define it a bit because I think when we were talking even just before, um, when you say the word community, it feels large, overwhelming. Like yeah. It feels like 10 billion people need to be involved. And is that what we're talking about? No, not. So let's talk about, let's define like numbers and some nitty-gritty about community. What do you think?

SPEAKER_02 1:42

Well, I think community is or are those people who can come alongside you who are for you in whatever your struggle is, right? Um, and that can happen in different places. It doesn't necessarily mean, oh, I need 10 people, and that's what makes my community. It could be part of your community at church, it could be your small group, it could be your one good friend who is there with you all the time through all everything, who can speak the truth in love to you, and and you know that that person is for you, that they're not trying to harm you in any kind of way, but they want to see you grow and become the best person you can be in the midst of all of the things that are going on in your life.

SPEAKER_04 2:40

That sounds so nice. Just listening was like I could feel my chest just soften a little bit. That one, that one friend or some a group at church doesn't have to, it's not one size fits all. Exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 3:00

I like that.

Reflection Tools And Their Limits

Loved In Community Versus Right Alone

SPEAKER_01 3:02

I like that. Um we have here at Regeneration Ministries so many offerings. We have journals, we have um the podcasts, we have articles, and all these things are such great sources for reflection. But then there comes a point where you're answering your own question, or is that from the Lord? Is that not from the Lord? And that is such a key time to bring other people in. But shame wants to say, really? You want to bring them into this? But we do. Especially now, we need community. Um I heard Kurt Thompson say is you can be right by yourself, but you can only be loved in community. To be to be right and lonely? Um what is that? Yeah, what is that?

SPEAKER_02 4:06

Yeah, this that's not living now.

Scripture And The Design For Togetherness

SPEAKER_04 4:09

There's a and it might have been necessary for a little bit, yes, right? To uh you know work out what you're what you're actually feeling or what you're actually needing to talk to somebody about. And it's okay for a little while, but when we open up our heart to others, just this I'm not alone, I'm not crazy. You've been there. I mean, it is just the best thing under the sun.

SPEAKER_03 4:38

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

I was thinking about the visual of I'm gonna already forget it again. We already talked about Ecclesiastes 412. Yeah. That a chord of three strands is not easily broken. Thank you. So there's a a beauty. There's a beauty to that plating, to that braiding, um, to the intertwining of these um three chords of these three souls and lives. Um a string, a strand on its own can get really easily knotted, right? So, what beauty is there in this design that God has set for us in the Trinity, in this chord, in creation, that it wasn't just Adam, it was Adam and from the get-go, we have been designed for others to live with others.

SPEAKER_04 5:33

Right. Is that also the verse? Um, I I don't have the reference right in front of me, but um, two are better than one, for if one falls, he has the other one to pick him up.

SPEAKER_03 5:47

Yes. Yes, we fall.

SPEAKER_04 5:51

We fall. And we scrape our knees and they bleed and we suffer. And suffering alone is harder.

Falling, Suffering, And Being Lifted

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Yeah, how beautiful is it to imagine, like when you do fall, that there is someone who is extending their hand to say, come on. Yeah, get up. Let's get up. And and you might only be able to get up on one knee, and that's okay. Yeah. They will be okay with you getting up on one knee, and they don't feel put upon by you. They don't feel like you're too much, they don't feel like, oh, here they go again, the but they are willing to go every time to extend a hand to help you up. Which, and I know that it can be hard to find. Uh, I think there it is understanding who is also safe. Right. Um, because some people will want to jump out into community and just kind of share all the things. They throw all 52 cards on the table. And I think one thing to remember is that not everybody is worthy to receive your story.

SPEAKER_04 7:11

Right. And to possibly test out your story a little at a time with some trusted people, right? You don't have to share everything that's going on. Um, if you're falling, you know, if you're looking at pornography or if you have been betrayed, you don't have to share it all, but start off by sharing parts and see how well somebody holds that part of your story to know how much more to say. Safety is a key ingredient for good community.

Finding Safe People And Testing Trust

SPEAKER_02 7:43

And I think it's good to know too that community can change and shift over time. You know, you might find a place of transition. You know, you find you get good community and you feel like things are going well, but maybe people move away, things, people's life circumstances change, and you find that your community has to shift and to know that that's okay as well. Like you don't have to necessarily hold on to people for dear life and never let them go. But are you willing to even trust that the Lord knows the people to bring into your life at specific times and seasons so that you can receive the gift that you need of community from them and you can also be the gift to them.

SPEAKER_04 8:39

Yeah, and you might might grieve, right? When you have to like let go of something and grieve it, but the goodness of God in knowing that that we need community, like it keep keep praying for it and keep hoping for it. If it hasn't come or it is starting to shift for you. Yeah. I feel that. I feel it in my own, you know, longing for community and it when it shifts.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

And the rhythms, when the rhythms shift. Yeah. Because rhythms are necessary with community. And they do build that safety, right? That time to look forward to. That date on the calendar, um, the meetup for coffee after church or whatever it is. Um, that rhythm helps build safety. I do think we believe there's power in prayer. And there's power in prayer. So pray for that community and pray for that discernment of, hey God, help me feel in my body, feel in my heart what feels safe, who feels safe. So, what are let's let's build some parameters about safety, maybe even for community.

Community Shifts Across Seasons

SPEAKER_02 10:02

Yeah, there's um a great book by a guy named Van Moody, and it's called The People Factor. And in it, he talks about like what are qualities that you should look for in people that you want to be in community with. And, you know, he talks about who are people that are good soil, right? That you've seen fruit from their lives. He even talks about people who want to make an impact for the kingdom of God. Um, and one of the things he talks about integrity. And the one thing he says about integrity is that you know, you want to make sure that you're dealing with somebody who is going to be honest and truthful and they walk in integrity. Um and the question he asks is also, are you willing to also have them to challenge any anything, any lack of integrity in you? And like even give them permission to say, if you're not going to maintain integrity, what does that mean for our relationship? Is it okay that I walk away if if you'd want to consistently not maintain integrity? Uh, and so, you know, I think those are some good things to think about. Because I I think it's it's easy to say, oh, well, this person makes me feel warm and fuzzy, but are they a person of substance? Right? People can be good and warm and fuzzy, but you might need the person who's gonna say, you know, that thing that you said was really hurtful. Or the way you interacted with this other person is wasn't really good. How how can we talk through that and more? Tell me what was going on in that um so that you you have this level of honesty and you you have people speaking the truth in love to you, because you really don't want a bunch of mini me's around right.

SPEAKER_04 12:16

Kyle, those were really helpful. Those, you know, kind of little guidelines about is someone safe? I really appreciated you sharing those because it is if you're talking about wanting to open up about a pornography struggle for yourself or something that you've just been, you know, learned about from a partner or a spouse, you you want safe people to share these things with. And uh right, we will um grow through these things when we talk about them. But keeping them inside is just like just makes your heart heavier.

SPEAKER_03 13:05

It does.

Qualities Of Safe People And Integrity

SPEAKER_01 13:11

Have you heard the um qualifications for good community or good friend are sandpaper, a mirror, or a flashlight? No, like tell us. Tell us, tell us more.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Like I can visualize who the sandpaper friends are, who the flashlight friends are, and who the mirror friends are in my life. Um it's kind of funny. But so the flashlight are the people who will point out, like highlight something for you, um, will illuminate like a new path for you, or um, as you're making a decision, or um then the mirror is a friend who reflects something back to you well. They're a good listener and they they ref reflect back to you um things that you're saying, things that you're uh questioning. And then the sandpaper, that's the friend who kind of like let's like let's sit with this a little bit and let's ask some deeper questions and kind of get to the um to the truth of it. Um so they they refine things in your life. Um do you have those people? Like, can you see them in your in your head? Oh yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 14:24

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 14:25

Right? But but they're all important. Yes, yes. And I and I love that that is a qualification or those are qualifications for friends. So we've got the safety, we've got people who can challenge us and feel safe in that challenging because you know me and you're for me. Um, people who reflect well. Not everybody who um has great advice listens really well. Sometimes we just need a friend to hear us.

SPEAKER_02 14:52

Yeah. You think about Job, right? I mean, the one good thing that his friends did was they came and they sat with him and said nothing for seven days. Nothing. And sometimes you need that. Sometimes you don't need a bunch of words. You need people who were will are willing to sit with you and not try to fix everything for you in that moment and can just be there with you.

SPEAKER_04 15:22

I think um I'm learning a lot today in our podcast. That's really great. And I it's also I'm hearing I want to be that kind of friend that offers a light, a mirror, and sandpaper. And I need that. I want to be it and I need it. And, you know, if you don't have it right now, um come for coaching, right? In the meantime. And what Andre, how you said is pray. Pray for this because God answers prayer and he knows you need it. For sure.

Friends As Sandpaper, Mirror, Flashlight

SPEAKER_02 16:01

And and don't discount the face that pops up that you would go, I would never be in community with that person. Don't discount that. Um, because you never know the blessing that that person could be, that that God knows that this is a person you need in your life. And so don't discount that wonderful face that pops up that you want to reject right away.

SPEAKER_04 16:25

Yes. And you know, even in my own life, I've been surprised at how a new friend has come along. And when you think, oh, there's this is it, or I have I have nobody, or this group of friends is it. Be open and goodness comes.

SPEAKER_02 16:48

And I know it can be scary if you've been in a community that was messy, where you know, confidences weren't honored, and people always want to tell you what to do and how to do it, and nobody wants to just be with you or um is curious enough to just even ask questions. Um that can be really scary to try to re-enter into safe community. Um, but you know, as you both have said, prayer is important around this, and the Lord wants community for you. And so his heart's desire is to get you back into community because the enemy wants you to isolate and to think that you don't need anybody. And um, because you got hurt, like you can't go back out there again because you're gonna get slaughtered again. Um, and that is just the voice of Satan wanting to keep you isolated and away from the healing that community can bring.

Presence Over Fixing And Deep Listening

SPEAKER_01 17:59

Especially with addiction that feels so spirally, so circular, to have a friend kind of interrupt that, interrupt that thought process or interrupt here I go again. Um what a gift to have that safe person in your life to be able to be with you. I mean, I just think about Jesus um and the power of his withness, because he came to this earth. Um, that that matters so much to the heart of God that he would send his son to be with us. We we need to be with others.

SPEAKER_03 18:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:45

And hold that withness with Jesus as you venture out into community with one person, three people, ten people. You have this withness with Jesus as you find courage to to share your story with somebody or to call, call a friend to get together or join a group. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

And even going back to what you were talking about, Kyle, with the scariness of community, if you've been burned in community before, taking that to prayer and discernment with the Lord of, okay, I felt hurt because I had too many opinions. Okay, so maybe moving forward, finding community means I need, I need, I want more listeners. I want more flashlights and less sandpaper. Um, you know, I need um that's a great way to discern what you need moving forward to give it a another shot. But give it another shot.

SPEAKER_03 19:48

Yeah, yeah. It's worth it. This was a great conversation. It was.

SPEAKER_02 19:57

It was good. And and I hope, I do hope that um our listeners feel a nudge if if they're not in community. If you're not in community now, I hope you felt a little nudge today to even take a little baby step to know that God is with you in the baby step.

unknown 20:16

Amen.

SPEAKER_02 20:17

You know, you don't have to go, you don't have to go in the deep end and and try to find, you know, 20 people. Yeah. You know, the baby step could be the one.

SPEAKER_03 20:25

Yeah. That's good. That's really good. I say we end there. Yeah. I think it's a great place to end.