Betrayal’s Emotional Rollercoaster

Betrayal doesn’t end after the “earthquake” moment of discovery. For many women, the next stage is worse in a different way: an emotional rollercoaster that can flip from rage to numbness to grief in a single day. If you’ve been thinking, “I don’t feel like myself,” we want you to hear this clearly: that whiplash can be a normal trauma response, not a personal failure.

We break down the psychoeducation behind betrayal trauma and infidelity recovery, especially the idea of attachment trauma. When the person who was supposed to be your safe place becomes the source of danger, your brain starts scanning for safety nonstop. That can show up as spiraling thoughts, constant checking for reassurance, and very real body symptoms like poor sleep, appetite changes, clenched jaw, tight chest, and living on high alert. We talk through anger as protection, grief as the deeper truth underneath, and why tears and numbness can feel shameful even when they’re doing important work.

We also get practical about what helps when you still have a job, kids, school, and life to manage. We discuss choosing safe support, setting boundaries around unsafe conversations, and using simple grounding tools to ride the waves: holding onto something, deep breathing, releasing tension through a scream in the car, and giving yourself permission to step away when it’s “not now.” If this resonated, subscribe, share this with someone who needs steadier ground, and leave a review with the one feeling you want help naming next.

We are excited to announce that we will be releasing new content on two different days. On Tuesdays, we will focus on women and unwanted sexual behaviors. And the next week, on Wednesdays, we focus on women impacted, recovering, and healing from betrayal trauma. Tune into one or both; either way, we pray it will bring healing and hope!

Contact us today: If you have a question, comment, or need help, email us at info@regenerationministries.org

Free Resources for you!

👉Women 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Women overcoming unwanted sexual Behavior)
👉Compass 21-Day Prayer Journal & Devotional - (Wives who are or have been impacted by partner betrayal)

Transcript

From Earthquake To Rollercoaster

Andrea 0:23

Earthquake. That's the word that we use, the word picture that we use to describe for women who have just found out that their husband or boyfriend has been unfaithful. And that is appropriate, and that is disorienting and awful.

Anne 0:40

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 0:42

And then today what we're gonna talk about is what comes next, and that is equally disorienting because this, this phase where you probably are right now is a rollercoaster A rollercoaster of emotion, a rollercoaster of heart, mind, and body. Um, if that feels right, you're in the right place. So let's get into it. Let's not waste any time.

Anne 1:14

Definitely. Mm-hmm.

Andrea 1:17

What is a, a phrase you hear often or an understanding that you've, that you've, um, held onto now after talking with so many women who have gone through betrayal and moved from the earthquake and now to the rollercoaster?

Anne 1:36

I don't feel like myself. Mm-hmm. I don't know what I'm gonna be like throughout the

I Don’t Feel Like Myself

Anne 1:42

day. I can't get grounding. Mm-hmm. I'm... I don't know who I am, and I don't, I don't like the feeling of it. I don't... I wanna find some level ground.

Andrea 1:57

Mm-hmm. And you can go, like, extreme emotions, right? There's this rage, and then you're numb, and then you're lonely, then you're teary, and then you're angry again. And that's all appropriate.

Anne 2:18

Yeah, and that's a lot in, what, a day, right? Oh, gosh. Numb to rage and anger. And you don't want to be like that, and you wanna be yourself, and you've lost yourself. Mm-hmm. And it's so scary.

Andrea 2:32

Mm-hmm.

Anne 2:32

Just like a roller coaster.

Andrea 2:35

And it's so hard to even just listen to on this side as a coach. I mean, my heart just goes up and down, and I find myself like, "Jesus, w- will you settle me even as I'm listening?"

Anne 2:48

Yeah. Like, I felt my heart drop.

Andrea 2:50

Mm-hmm. Or your gut drop.

Anne 2:52

Yeah.

Andrea 2:53

Yeah. And I get angry, too. So- Yes,

Anne 2:56

me too.

Andrea 2:57

I think what's, um, very intentional about our conversation about this roller coaster is, is that we're gonna look at it in three careful ways, and one is the psychoeducation around it. So sometimes if you can understand with your head and name with your mind something that you learn, that settles your gut a little bit, right? Or calms your heart rate. So let, let's get into, um, some of the psychoeducation around betrayal.

Anne 3:26

Which I love- Mm because whenever you're educated, you start to feel a little bit more- Mm steady and empowered.

Andrea 3:32

Mm-hmm.

Anne 3:32

Because everything up to that point is free reign, and there's no stability and no wisdom and no feeling of a

Betrayal As Attachment Trauma

Anne 3:42

direction or, um, a roadmap maybe. Mm. And so I think education, psychoeducation is a great place to start.

Andrea 3:52

I love it. I love it. So, um, one of the words that I hear a lot is, "I feel stupid." So I love that you're saying that because you're not stupid. Mm. And, um, let's fill your brain with some, some knowledge so that you do feel empowered. Where do we begin?

Anne 4:10

I would begin with that it's an attachment trauma.

Andrea 4:15

Mm.

Anne 4:15

Since... And that this relationship that you committed to, believed was gonna be faithful, supportive, honest, instantly changed. So you then feel detached, alone Forgotten, abandoned. Mm-hmm. And so that, that attachment when you made either an engagement or you made the wedding day, you really believed was gonna be that other half of support and stability. Mm-hmm. And then it feels ripped out from you, and so it's destabilizing, and then brings the, like, trauma responses where it-- your brain is trying to answer, "Am I safe?"

Andrea 5:10

Mm-hmm.

Anne 5:12

And then hence the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings.

Andrea 5:19

Because a lot of times, especially in attachment, um, those four pillars of being seen, soothed, safe, and secure, my goodness, um, those, like you said very accurately, are just ripped.

Anne 5:34

Right.

Andrea 5:35

This is your person.

Anne 5:37

Yeah. That you're gonna go through life together.

Andrea 5:40

Yeah.

Anne 5:40

You're gonna build a family, and you're gonna be there for each other. I mean, that is that secure, seen- Mm-hmm soothed, safe, and then instantly it's g- it, it feels-

Andrea 5:56

Yeah

Anne 5:56

like gone, and you're abandoned.

Andrea 5:59

Like, uh, right away- Mm-hmm I feel like the drop.

Anne 6:01

Yeah, the drop on the-

Andrea 6:03

On the rollercoaster. Mm-hmm. Ugh. Um, yeah, this is your person.

Anne 6:08

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 6:09

It feels stable. It feels safe, and so t- this is an attachment trauma, and your brain reacts by asking, "Am I safe?" What does that look like? When your brain starts doing that, what does that look like in real life practically?

Anne 6:22

Well, am I safe? Um, do I rely on you? Mm-hmm. Do I tell you things that are going on in my life? I can't. I shouldn't. I, I then retreat. I feel, you know, a r- an array of like, "I wanna talk to you, but you're not safe. Who do I talk to? Who do I go to?" Right? And do I have safe others in my life that can, that can hold what I feel and what my emotional state- Mm-hmm the ups and downs? So yeah, on an everyday level it's- Who do I talk to? How do I find stability, security again? Mm-hmm.

Andrea 7:17

All those questions. It's not... To me, now it feels like we're going the ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka up, up- Mm-hmm and you're just building with all these questions. So I imagine that if your brain is doing this, your eyes are scanning. Mm-hmm. Like, looking for clues, looking for reassurement, or for validation of, like, you are bad, or I am stupid, or I'm right and you're wrong. I mean, imagine your eyes do that, and then what else? Like, palms. Are you eating? You know, practically real life, um, this attachment trauma has real consequences.

Anne 7:56

Yeah. Right. Am I sleeping? Am I eating? Am I taking care of myself? Mm. Which is, which is, you know, the, the basics of, like, um, helping those, um, nervous system states that- Mm go from high to low, low to high. Mm-hmm. Right? Numb to angry. And I mean, really until you're... un- until you find some safety and support, you're on high alert.

Andrea 8:33

Mm-hmm. Okay, so now when we've gone through naming it as attachment trauma and what that can look like, let's, let's go to this next part of explaining the swings, these, this wide range of emotion that can really take you throughout the day and leave you wiped out What are, I know I know some of the ones that I feel listening for these, for these women. Um, and I, I have heard the rage. I've heard the rage. Um, I'm sure you've heard it too.

Anne 9:08

Yes. And before we start, I just... You're not broken if you're having these swings, right?

Andrea 9:14

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Anne 9:15

But they feel unpredictable. They can come at any time. Um,

Rage Grief Tears And Numbness

Anne 9:22

you know in your gut that this was wrong, and you find yourself wanting to defend yourself and protect yourself, and anger feels like the safest way to do that.

Andrea 9:37

Mm-hmm.

Anne 9:37

Guard up.

Andrea 9:38

Mm-hmm.

Anne 9:40

Defend.

Andrea 9:41

Mm-hmm. Feels appropriate.

Anne 9:45

Mm-hmm. Because it is wrong.

Andrea 9:47

Mm-hmm. It is. And thank you for the reminder that we're not broken to feel those things.

Anne 9:52

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 9:55

Uh, C.S. Lewis has this quote, um, "I sat with my anger long enough to learn her name was grief."

Anne 10:03

Wow.

Andrea 10:04

Right?

Anne 10:05

Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I sat with my anger long enough

Andrea 10:12

Mm-hmm

Anne 10:13

I didn't sh- I didn't shame myself for it. I... With this education you- Yeah you learn that it's a body response because of the trauma of the attachment being broken

Andrea 10:24

Mm-hmm

Anne 10:25

That you're looking, your brain is scanning for safety, and that's... And it doesn't know where to find it

Andrea 10:33

Yeah

Anne 10:35

So it feels threat and anger, and, and then grief s- grief will follow

Andrea 10:43

Yeah It's hard to sit in these, um, strong emotions, uh, and these appropriate emotions. It is hard to sit. Um, that's where I always wanna remind our listeners that we are here.

Anne 11:03

Definitely. We are here.

Andrea 11:04

Mm-hmm. We don't want you to do this alone. Um, when you can't find someone to talk to in your circle, when that doesn't feel safe, please consider and remember that we are safe- Mm-hmm and we are here.

Anne 11:18

And we can hold and sit with anger.

Andrea 11:21

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Anne 11:25

Cause soon enough, anger does turn to grief.

Andrea 11:29

It does.

Anne 11:30

Mm-hmm. And

Andrea 11:30

then these tears that a lot of times the tears are, are frustrating, like almost shameful. Why do they carry so much shame? Um

Anne 11:46

Well, how did this happen to me? Yeah. What is wrong with me that this happened to me?

Andrea 11:53

How did I miss it?

Anne 11:54

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 11:56

What should I have done differently? And it's not on you. This was his choice It is important to sit with these emotions, as hard as that sounds

Anne 12:18

Unfortunately, the only way is through. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And when you feel heard, either through coaching or a friend that can handle these different states that you feel, it, it does begin, it does heal.

Andrea 12:40

Mm-hmm. It does heal.

Anne 12:42

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 12:46

I love that the The acknowledgement of our brain scanning for safety, and in the meantime, our bodies are expressing the truth. Um, through clenched fist or clenched jaw, um, that's the rage. Through tears, that's the grief The fact that your, your heart, your core still wants, like longing, right?

Anne 13:20

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 13:21

You still want, you miss, you need this connection. This is your person. Um, your body's a truth teller And while your brain is busy doing all this other stuff, rightfully so, your body's moving through a lot of these emotions Mm-hmm.

Anne 13:41

And I really appreciate you being able to name the, what your body is doing. It's moving through these states

Andrea 13:49

Mm-hmm. Your body is good, and it's going through so much.

Anne 13:55

And I think the psychoeducation that feels helpful, like an anchor to somebody who is like, "I'm numb, I'm, I'm in bed, I can't function," to, "I'm, I'm angry. Oh, there's a name for this."

Andrea 14:12

Mm-hmm.

Anne 14:13

Right?

Andrea 14:14

Mm-hmm.

Anne 14:14

There's n- a n- there's names for these things Yes.

Andrea 14:17

Yes.

Anne 14:19

Ah. You know that, "Oh, so I could read about it?" Mm-hmm. "Oh, other women are going through this?"

Andrea 14:27

Exactly. Exactly. Um, I, I love that you even named numbness because that is, is something that we definitely, um, definitely if you feel it, that shutdown is real. A- and that is something important to acknowledge that I can't get out of bed or I can't, I can't move.

Anne 14:51

Right. I have no feeling.

Andrea 14:53

Yeah.

Anne 14:53

Like wait, you're talking about a rollercoaster of rage and anger. I feel nothing

Andrea 14:58

Mm-hmm

Anne 15:00

and that's equally scary.

Andrea 15:01

It is. It is.

Anne 15:03

And it needs permission and- A voice to say that Mm-hmm and safety to be able to say that to somebody.

Andrea 15:12

Right. So in a way, these emotions are protective.

Anne 15:17

Mm-hmm

Andrea 15:22

What is something, or is there something to do as you name these emotions? Or is it enough to name it? Like, "Okay, this is where I am today." Is that enough?

Anne 15:35

Well, it's a start. Okay. Right? Yeah. Um, I mean, naming it, sitting with it, not, um, uh, you know, being allowed to feel that a few days, months in a row.

Andrea 15:49

Mm-hmm.

Anne 15:50

Um, and somebody that just maybe places their hand on your shoulder and is, "I'm, I'm here in your... I'm here while you're naming them."

Andrea 16:02

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Doesn't that feel good?

Anne 16:07

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 16:16

I think also when you can name it, it takes kinda the shock off of it, right? Like, instead of what's coming next, you might not know- Mm-hmm or be able to predict what's coming next. Mm-hmm. So know that it's unpredictable, know that it's appropriate, and also, um, naming

Safety Support And Daily Survival

Andrea 17:08

it, like, "Oh, here it is. I'm crying."

Anne 17:12

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 17:13

"And this is right."

Anne 17:14

Mm-hmm. This is right.

Andrea 17:15

Mm-hmm.

Anne 17:15

And my... It's a way of m- of my body releasing some tension and fear and release and... It's... But it's a hard place to be.

Andrea 17:29

Mm-hmm. So on this rollercoaster, though, what's hard is you want that person next to you probably to be your s- your husband, your, your boyfriend. You want them to be there or to share this with them. How appropriate is that?

Anne 17:47

Well, I think it depends on, you know, the circumstances and the stage that you're in, right? The levels of safety. Mm-hmm. Um, I mean, if it's at the beginning of a discovery, right now, like, they're the threat, right? Right. Um, they, they might not be the safest person right now.

Andrea 18:07

Mm-hmm.

Anne 18:07

If there's lack of ownership, lack of empathy, you know, that, those then increase the lack of safe- unsafety.

Andrea 18:16

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Anne 18:17

Um, now as you, you know, as you're moving through these emotions, right? Mm-hmm. A- and they are becoming safe and can handle your rollercoaster ride- Mm and not asking you to get off, or you're too much, or this ride is too, uh, too confusing for me, like, all of those impede-

Andrea 18:38

Mm

Anne 18:38

right, that safety with that person.

Andrea 18:41

Mm-hmm. Yes, they do.

Anne 18:44

So i- you know, I just wanna acknowledge that, yes, you want it to be that person, and they're unable to right now, perhaps.

Andrea 18:55

So there is, uh, this is your ride. This is your ride. Um, so pay attention to yourself And there's these emotions that we've described are not soft by any means. There's a whiplash here.

Anne 19:11

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 19:11

Right? So how that switching fast between all these emotions, m- that's, that's hard. What does that look like on a Tuesday afternoon when you've got kids to pick up and, or maybe you don't. Maybe you have work or maybe you have both work and the kids or maybe you're going to school. The whiplash is- Mm is something to hear that, that that's appropriate also, right?

Anne 19:40

Yes, and a- as you were describing that, it's hard. Mm-hmm. It is hard to be in these r- emotional states while trying to work and take care of your kids. Mm-hmm. And so if you can hear anything from us is we care and we know how hard it is. Mm-hmm. And it is waves, you know, and it, it is, it is, you know, uh, depending on the level of, um, you know, how high and low you feel, you know, maybe it is getting some breaks and time off- Mm-hmm and, you know, especially in early discovery, you know, not forcing yourself through i- if you have to, right? Your career is in such a place that y- you can't, but it's- Mm-hmm your weekends that you can- Mm-hmm decompress.

Andrea 20:34

Mm-hmm.

Anne 20:36

Get breaths. Mm-hmm. Get time away.

Andrea 20:39

Mm-hmm.

Anne 20:39

Um, for it's a necessity.

Andrea 20:42

Yes. Yes. Get the babysitter-

Anne 20:46

Mm-hmm

Andrea 20:47

so that you can feel the feelings.

Anne 20:49

Yes.

Andrea 20:50

So you can sit with it. So you can name it. That is a wonderful reason to get a babysitter. Mm-hmm. To get somebody to help out.

Anne 20:57

Get your friends to come over.

Andrea 20:59

Mm-hmm.

Anne 20:59

Swap, right?

Andrea 21:00

Mm-hmm,

Anne 21:01

mm-hmm. When, when your spouse gets home for dinner, go out to a bookstore, to a drive- Yeah for a walk, a long walk.

Andrea 21:13

Mm-hmm.

Anne 21:14

Um, really getting some good self-care.

Andrea 21:18

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Anne 21:19

It's really kind of state of emergency sometimes, really getting that care- It is for these emotions. It really is.

Andrea 21:26

Yeah. I... Yes, 100%. Um, and what's unfortunate or just reality, what's reality is that there is no like, "Oh, well, in three months you'll be off the roller coaster. In six months you'll be off the roller coaster." That's just not real.

Anne 21:47

The roller coaster will be there, and it's not a timeframe. Mm-hmm. But we're here to gently offer some... Like, picture us on the ride.

Andrea 22:04

Mm-hmm.

Anne 22:04

Right? Mm-hmm. Picture us on the, on this ride, and picture- Mm there is, there is a way, um, to, um, honor the roller coaster ride with care and support- Mm-hmm and breath and... Right? There's... We're not trying to offer, like, quick fixes. Mm-hmm. But we do wanna say, um, we care about this and we want to Just name it and be with you in it.

Andrea 22:41

Yeah

Practical Ways To Ride The Waves

Andrea 22:45

And that space is sacred, and that is what we're here for. And also, even just your offering that we'll be on the rollercoaster with you kind of makes me nope, I don't want to, only because I hate rollercoasters. And so this conversation feels really visceral for me, like this up and down. And, um, so you know, I asked ChatGPT, I was like, "Hey, when you don't like rollercoasters, how, how do you do it?"

Anne 23:10

I love it.

Andrea 23:11

Right? 'Cause you've gotta do it. There, there is no avoiding this.

Anne 23:14

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 23:14

Um, and there is... You've gotta go through it. You've gotta thr- go through it. So how do we ride this rollercoaster with you? Um, well, one idea is to hold onto the handles. That's actually what ChatGPT says, is hold onto the handles in order to feel secure while you're riding. You can hold onto the bars or handles. So holding onto something, um, physically, whether it's, um the pen that you use to journal out your feelings Scribble out your feelings. Whether it's, it's, um, a branch from a weeping willow that you can just, you know, run your fingers down the branches and, and hold onto something, um Hold on even, like put your hand on your chest.

Anne 24:07

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 24:07

And take a deep breath. That, that's a good way to hold on to the bars.

Anne 24:13

Yeah. Even I just, as you were sharing, I was even picturing like a cross, holding a cross in your hands. Mm-hmm.

Andrea 24:22

I have one thing right now. Yep. Like this little...

Anne 24:27

Yes, ma'am. Yes.

Andrea 24:30

I hold on to this one. And then, um-

Anne 24:32

Right, and squeeze it.

Andrea 24:33

Yeah.

Anne 24:34

Mm-hmm. And then let go.

Andrea 24:37

Right.

Anne 24:37

Yeah.

Andrea 24:39

And then the second tip is to take a deep breath as the ride starts. So as you are able to, through this attachment trauma, be able to say, "Here comes anger" Take a nice deep breath. Here comes anger, and I'm feeling it.

Anne 24:58

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 24:59

And I'm feeling it in my heart, I'm feeling it in my toes, I'm feeling it in my, my s- clenched fists and my jaw. I'm feeling it. And take a deep breath. This is where you are right now.

Anne 25:10

Mm-hmm. Like a wave, like it, um... allowing it to, to ride the wave of the anger.

Andrea 25:19

Mm-hmm.

Anne 25:20

And ride it, ride it, ride it, ride it, and then see the wave kind of... No wave stays up in the air.

Andrea 25:27

Right.

Anne 25:27

Right?

Andrea 25:28

That's right.

Anne 25:28

It- no wave at the ocean stays all the way up. It comes down.

Andrea 25:32

Mm-hmm. And I've never seen a rollercoaster just go straight up.

Anne 25:36

Right.

Andrea 25:37

It has to come down. Come

Anne 25:37

down.

Andrea 25:39

Okay, well, there, there's a little bit of wisdom that I'm gonna be- Yeah. Really l- thank you for that. Um, and yes, as you feel the grief, take a deep breath. Here comes grief. I feel the tears coming. Thank you, eyes, for making my tears. Thank you, body, for, for saying what I can't even say Uh, number three might be my favorite 'cause I am Andrea. Try screaming to calm your nerves. And we laugh about it- Yeah but it's so good. No,

Anne 26:11

yes, out the window. Yes. Right. Mm-hmm.

Andrea 26:14

Yes.

Anne 26:14

Get on that drive and roll the windows down and let it out.

Andrea 26:21

Mm-hmm.

Anne 26:21

Let it rip.

Andrea 26:22

Mm-hmm.

Anne 26:23

Not once.

Andrea 26:24

Mm-mm.

Anne 26:26

As many times.

Andrea 26:27

Yes. There's such a release. Don't hold it all in. It's all so tight inside. To scream really good is- Yeah it feels really good.

Anne 26:39

Mm-hmm.

Andrea 26:41

And it's really necessary. Number four says close your eyes if you're afraid of heights. Hmm.

Anne 26:49

So close your eyes if you're afraid of heights, yeah. Yeah, I'm in a new phase of being a- scared of heights, so, um, yeah, close your eyes.

Andrea 26:58

Yeah, close your eyes Um, number five says keep your eyes open if you experience nausea, when it becomes too much. Lord, keep my eyes open

Anne 27:12

And help me see something else.

Andrea 27:15

Mm-hmm.

Anne 27:16

Right? The, the situation does become ginormous Keep my eyes open, God, to see a flower, a butterfly, a friend's face, a friend's kindness

Andrea 27:37

And number six, don't feel pressured to ride

Anne 27:44

If there is that conversation that you can walk away from, walk away from If there's the beginning of a conversation that you know won't end well Say, "I'm not ready." Excuse yourself. Girl, I know that's easier said than done, but if you do it one time, you'll do it two times. Like conversations after 7:00 at night, 8:00 at night, if they're, if they end up in a brawl, try not to have them. Don't feel pressure to

Andrea 28:26

have them. Mm-hmm.

Anne 28:28

Mm-hmm

Andrea 28:32

This is goofy AI, right? About how to get through a rollercoaster. But my gosh, um, it became a prayer, um, involving this knowledge this empowerment to name And then to be able to use your body to hold onto something, to take a deep breath, to scream, to close your eyes, to open your eyes, and to say, "No, not now," to walk away.

Anne 29:09

Hmm.

Andrea 29:10

So I pray that this conversation has been a, a, a blessing to your mind, a blessing to your heart, a blessing that you're not alone, and to your precious body to do what it can do on this rollercoaster.

Anne 29:28

Thank you so much, Andrea.

Andrea 29:30

Thank you, Anne. This was awesome.

Anne 29:32

Mm-hmm.