Rock Bottom Isn’t Always Loud: Burnout, Identity Loss & Finding Yourself Again

What happens when you’ve drifted so far from yourself that you no longer recognize who you’ve become?

This week’s conversation goes there. Fully, honestly, and without the polished version of healing we’re so used to seeing online.

Amanda opens up about a relationship that became one of the biggest lessons of her life, but also one that slowly pulled her away from herself until she reached a point where she could no longer recognize the person she had become. She shares the difficult decisions, years of healing, and inner work it took to finally come back home to herself.

I share a different kind of rock bottom. One that wasn’t caused by a breakup or a dramatic life event, but by a quiet internal voice that slowly became louder and louder until ignoring it felt impossible. Leaving my career and searching for my own “wait… what’s next?” moment wasn’t impulsive. It was the realization that I could no longer live disconnected from my own potential.

Together, we talk about:
 • identity loss and burnout
 • heartbreak and emotional healing
 • nervous system regulation and getting back into your body
 • nature, self-care, and routines that helped us rebuild
 • the messy middle that exists between breaking down and becoming someone new

This episode is for anyone navigating a life transition, questioning their path, feeling disconnected from themselves, or quietly wondering if anyone else feels this way, too.

You are not the only one going through it. And maybe this conversation will help you feel a little less alone in yours.

🎧 New episodes every Thursday. Follow, share, and join us in the in-between.

Wait... What's Next? 

Host: Laura Alba 
Co-Host: Amanda Brilhante
Executive Producer: Lauren Atkinson

Instagram: @waitwhatsnextpod, @lauraalbaz & @amandakbril

Email:  waitwhatsnextpod@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Ooh, hello.

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Benny wants to join. Come here, Benny.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Come here.

SPEAKER_00 0:05

It's a kick.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

This is a dog bed friendly podcast.

SPEAKER_00 0:10

What do you want to talk about, Benny? How much you like?

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Bring your baby to work day.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Yeah, right. I swear to God, he likes it. I love how he like. He's a human. He's a human. Benny, where are you going? Where are you? Okay, bye-bye. Bye-bye. He's staring at me. He's like, what did I do? What do you want? What am I supposed to do now? Toping his head. I really like your bean chair though. Oh my god, I love bean bags. I'm also gonna pigeon my pants right now.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

I love it. Wait, so I have two things to say, but I think I'm gonna get one of those chairs because I do want to have some kind of consistency on how we look. And it looks really cool. It looks so much better. How are you? How are you doing? How's life?

SPEAKER_00 0:51

I wanted to ask you, have you played pickleball at all? No, I haven't. We made it like what six months into turning 30. Well, for Damien, it was less than it was five months, and we're not playing pickleball. Like I have a peekable. I have three years and I still haven't played pickleball. It's actually kind of fun, but I definitely feel like you hit an age where all of a sudden you're like, you're playing pickleball, you're talking about running a marathon, you're posting your Strava, what is it called? Strava run paths or whatever. I'm not there yet, but I am playing pickleball. It's so funny, dude.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

The people that run marathons, I don't know if this is gonna change, but I really don't think it will. I don't understand it. And you know me, I'm a pretty active person. I love to work out, but the thought of running a marathon sounds just so depressing. It's just I don't understand what the whole hype, but there is like a smilestone. It's like such a life-changing moment for people. I don't get it.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

It's torture. I don't like running, so I wouldn't be doing it. No, yeah. This hour of pickleball I'm doing is the most cardio I've gotten straight.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

But I heard it's really fun and it's actually really good to stay active.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

Yeah, I like it. It's fun. I'm also not super competitive though, and I'm playing with my competitive boyfriend. We love a competitive boyfriend though. It's really fun. That makes it fun.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Except when they start saying things and you're like, okay, stop. Like, yeah, now you're being mean. Right. You're gonna like competitive and just give it back to him, Amanda.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Sometimes I've had to be like, okay, stop hitting the ball as hard. Like, you can't that that's we're not playing, you're just like hitting the ball as hard as you can on my side. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Is it easy though? I always heard that it's so much easier than tennis, but honestly, it's the same dynamic. And I try to play tennis. I want to play tennis, actually. I want to start doing that. I try to start that a couple of years ago. I think that was my pickleball moment. But then I was training with Erica, and you know how she likes plays really well. We spent hours of her teaching me how to surf, and then really I don't know, yeah, and so yeah, this is great. I'm trying to get the technique down, but at the same time, there's a part of me where it gets anxious, and I'm like, can we just start playing? I just want to have some actual standing here and trying to get this ball to the other side is just not fun. That was the end of my tennis career. But I do want to go back though. I don't know if pickleball is easier.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

I think it might be a little bit easier, but it's still kind of similar. And I mean, I do think Erica had a good point in getting you to learn the foundations of it because even with pickleballers, all these rules about how you're supposed to serve and your elbow is not supposed to be higher than your hip, and your wrist is supposed to be higher than your elbow, and your paddle isn't supposed to be higher than your wrist, or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 3:38

So when I romanticize playing tennis, which is probably the same thing as playing um pickleball, I wanna play and sweat. You know how people just leave the tennis court in the red and they just look, they just had this huge workout. Like that was when I was romanticized. You look pretty, you wear the cute little tennis skirt, and then you leave, and it's a workout that you were just sweating. I don't know why that was my idea.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

I think it also depends on the person, though, because I don't sweat a lot in workouts, and pickleball has made me work up a sweat more than other sports, but two minutes after I stopped playing, I looked like kind of normal-ish. Maybe my face is a little bit more flushed because I have a hat on. But even with like hot pilates, I walked out of the hot Pilates class and stood there for five minutes, and my friend was like, Why do you look like you're still composed? And I was like, Well, I wasn't. I was dying. I I physically thought it was the day after Coachella. I was like, I don't know how I made it through that class, but I just don't sweat the same. I do turn very, very red. It's dog day too.

SPEAKER_01 4:42

Oh baby. I wonder what the she's like the cutest. I like dog's day sometimes. I don't understand what science is there. I don't sweat normally, just sitting, you know, some people do, which I'm grateful that I don't, but I don't understand people who don't when they work out. I take five to ten minutes and I immediately start sweating and I don't stop. Even post-workout, apparently, is when you sweat the most because it's when your body's trying to really cool you down. So I really don't understand what the science of that is.

SPEAKER_00 5:11

I know that your diet can play a role. I know that the amount of sugar you eat, alcohol, but then I think some of it's literally just genetically. Yeah, my mom doesn't sweat either. I stress sweat, I do stress sweat. Sweat, really? Oh my god. Yeah. I refuse to wear, like, you'll never see me on stage with a sleeve because I'll stress sweat through that. It's not worth the risk. For me, I don't.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

I do feel the anxiety that one two minute before I start talking in a presentation. My heart's racing really fast. And there's a part of me where thinks my voice is not gonna come out, I'm not gonna be able to speak. But the moment I hear my voice, I completely forget, and then I'm just into it. We're like the opposite here.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Yeah, we're really the opposite.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Besides speakable, what updates do you have?

SPEAKER_00 6:00

How's life? I don't really think I have any updates. Kind of same, same. I'm gearing up for like two months of nonstop travel. I think I counted and I'm gone almost 80% of the month. So that's fun. But and it's not fun travel, it's all work travel. And everyone glamorizes work travel. And my friend, my coworker actually sent me a meme and it was like about work travel. And it's like when you get that first class meal and it's the biscoff cookies, and you're like diet coke on a plane, and then it's like when you get the views, and it's like you're actually just in bed watching Netflix because the 30 seconds you have to yourself, you're not sightseeing. So kind of just mentally preparing for that. Pickleball's the big one. Obviously, it's Mother's Day now, so we're gonna do some Mother's Day things. What about you? What's new? I know that last time we chit-chatted for everyone to hear, we were thinking about some big moves, we were talking about some pivotal moments in life, we were talking about hitting your rock bottom, all those different topics.

SPEAKER_01 7:01

Which we will be talking about today, hitting our rock bottoms. But before we get into that, yeah, some huge moves for those of you guys who have been following. I own an apartment in San Francisco, and that was something that I have been so focused on the past couple of weeks, and the reason why we couldn't even record last week because I basically became an agent and threw a little open house in my little apartment to get the best tenant, which was actually a pretty fun experience. It honestly felt like I was an agent. Talking up my apartment, just walking around, giving people tours. I brought some little snacks and waters. People were just walking around. It was overwhelming in the beginning because everyone is kind of coming at you with different questions because it was mine. I understand it, but it was really fun. Also, the difference, which in the feedback that I got from a lot of people was that I wasn't just a property manager. Property managers don't care. And I know that because I am renting where I live. They just try to get you the apartment. The apartment sometimes comes with a lot of issues. It's really hard to get a hold on people. And so this one was different because I'm very hands-on in my apartment. I care because I'm the owner. And so that was something that people really resonated with. It was funny, it was almost I was dating. It was like speed dating. They were telling me why they were a good fit and what was the differentiator for me to pick them. And they're saying this in front of each other. It's kind of very interesting dynamic. But ultimately, what I was telling them is I do want to make sure that it's people that are gonna take care of the place because I've had had the apartment on Airbnb, and it's been really sad coming into the apartment and receiving it back, and it's just destroyed, and having to see something that you own that is just very heartbreaking, and then really, really annoying, and the money and all of that. That was one, and then two, it's a vibe. You can explain it. It's like, what are you getting your boyfriend? I don't know. There was a vibe, there was a connection. There were really good people and really good candidates. And at the end, I really buy with this girl who she told me her story. She is gonna move in for the first time with her boyfriend, and they're planning a wedding next year, they're planning to be in the apartment for a few years, and it was just kind of really nice. I just loved her, so I picked her immediately. I kind of knew in my head, I was like, Oh, this is gonna be them. If everything goes well, you know, with the contract, all of that, this is gonna be the people. But now, and I haven't done that, I have to send a rejection email to everyone else who didn't get the apartment. And I'm stressing because there were so people that were so nice, and I feel like I was being so fake because I really did like this other couple, and I was like, no, you guys, like I really like you. But then now I'm gonna be like, yeah, so this happened, and that's what I've been doing this past two weeks. It's been a lot, but I'm excited to close that chapter for a while and then just focus on what's important, which is this podcast and other things in life.

SPEAKER_00 10:12

I'm so glad though that you were able to find a good tenant for that apartment because I could not imagine, like, to your point, walking in and seeing how an Airbnb guest left it. I mean, I've seen the horror stories. We were so good, Amanda.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

When we will get all the girls and like tang girls on Airbnbs and everything, I feel like at the end of the day, we would always get together and clean up and put the trash. And yeah, it's like obviously it's not as spotless. I don't expect anybody to leave a place as spotless, but like we would leave it as good as we could. But I have walked in my apartment and I'm pretty sure these people threw a party every time they live before. And so it's walking like in a frat house, it's like everything is like around. It was crazy. One time it was like that, this was rough.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

Crazy. I always learn to leave it cleaner than you found it.

SPEAKER_01 11:05

I could have sent invoice for extra money, but honestly, Airbnb does a whole review of the process, and I was like, you know what? Like, I don't I don't want to deal with this anymore. It's too much. But transitioning into what we're gonna talk today, last episode that we were together, Amanda, we talk about the market episode, and we touch on some situations where we also have to go through different transitions and how we navigated those. It would be fun to, or not fun, just really nice to talk about some of our own rock bottoms in our own lives and how we navigated those. We're gonna focus in the moments in between everything, the transitions, and how we ultimately got out of that, or we're still dealing with some of those. What is it like to navigate those situations?

SPEAKER_00 12:00

So I'm gonna let you start. I was thinking too, there's so many different versions of rock bottoms. Like, I think a lot of us experience a rock bottom when we're in a really toxic environment, and probably more often than not, it's relationship-wise related to who you're dating, but it can also be your job, it can just be situational. And and I know that you and I were obviously chit-chatting offline about the rock bottoms. And for me, I remember thinking and being told too that you're gonna know when you can't take it anymore. And mine was more relationship focused for my rock bottom, but I knew when I hit it because leading up to it, it was like I just wanted it to stop. I wanted out, I didn't like who I became, I lost who I was. My entire personality had shifted. And when it finally ended, it was just because I was I was just beyond being able to keep going in that situation. And thinking about my friends who, even career-wise, they've been there where they just quit because they can't do it anymore. Maybe their job is making them sick, or maybe it's just leaving them so mentally unwell, and you're not looking forward to your day anymore, and your mental health is tinking and your physical health it's tinking, and all of that happens at once. For me, I was getting back acne, I was getting chest acne, I was getting cystic acne. Like my body was like, you're not listening, and I'm gonna do everything I can to show that you can't keep going like this. And so when I made the decision to finally get out of it, kind of had my hand forced as well, but it was like a weightlift. And I think I spent two years after that just healing and reclaiming who I was. And I I describe it as like a pendulum. Like I had swung so far this way, and that was my rock bottom, that I had to swing so far back this way until I eventually found my middle point, which is where I'm at now. But when I swung to the far extreme, that's when I was living my best life to an extent. You know, I still think I live my best life now, but I was going out more, I was socializing more, I was just doing all the things that I had neglected for two years. And I got to just be me and I became hyper-independent and I held on to that, and I didn't want anything to disturb my peace and disturb what I was doing and where I was going. But those in-between stages of getting to where I am now meant that I also had to work through probably some of those feelings where, for lack of a better word, you get a little triggered, or when you do find a healthy relationship or a better job, not getting so worked up when something seems a little bit off. Because I think people talk about this all the time. Nothing's harder than getting into your healthy relationship after an unhealthy one. And there is an element of that that's true. But I would say that that's in short, a little bit about my rock bottom. What about yours? Wait, before I jump into my rock bottom, I want to dive a little bit into where if you can cheer with us.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

Oh no, we felt speaking of rock bottom.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

I know my camera said, hold up, I'll show you a rock bottom. The computer is like, I'm done. I'm gonna I think we're balanced. We're back, baby. Yeah, I don't think that's right. I was funny. Yeah, they're like out of nowhere.

SPEAKER_01 15:45

There we go. Okay, perfect. We're good. For those of you who are watching um not watching on video, the camera just fell and I felt like I was falling with it because I was looking at it. It's so funny, little funny story. I always video shot with my boyfriend. Video talking is how we talk because we're doing long distance right now. And we always put our phones, I just place it on my bed or something, and then he puts it in a weird way, and his phone falls every single time. And I swear my belly drops because I feel like I'm falling. I'm watching. Anyhow, it's just broad memories. Back to what were you saying, Amanda? And you can share and you can tell us a little bit more about your mental state at that time because you said you were on one side of the pendulum, and you seem like you were at that point at some point where you're so in that head space that you can't see forward until you're out of it and you look back and you think of those moments in your headspace and you're like, oh my god, like I was really, really unwell. Can you describe what that feeling was like and that mindset? Because if people are going through this, and sometimes they can't really pull themselves out of it because they don't even realize that they're in that mindset where they're almost rock bottom. Also, what was your mindset that you were able to pull yourself out enough to be able to start pushing forward into out of that state?

SPEAKER_00 17:13

I can answer the second question pretty quick there. And that was just, I feel like I kept having the recurring thought of I just needed this to stop. I needed the way I felt to stop. I was just so out of my mind with anxiety and stress that I needed that to stop. I was at capacity. If you had a bag of Skittles, mine was empty. I didn't have any to give to anyone anywhere, not myself, not my friends, not my family. And the second part of your question, I do think it can be really difficult to recognize when you're in rock bottom, or even maybe when you're on that path. And I've gone through therapy. I think uh I had therapists at certain points during my downward slope to my bottom. And I definitely had some tools that made it so I could identify that I was trending down. I also kept a pretty open relationship with friends and family who could kind of call you on on that. But I think on some level, there's only so much you can do because friends and family, the delicate balance. A lot of the times when you are trending downwards, you tend to push people away, especially when it's a romantic relationship. So, as friends and family, I get it. It's so hard to see somebody go through something that you know is not good for them. And being on both sides of that coin, I can say that the best thing you can do is support them and hope that they eventually see their way through. Because at the end of the day, when they do, they're gonna need you. And I can say that you'll probably know that, and they'll know that eventually. But in the moment, it's just you can't see it. You can't see that light. Some of my identifying factors where if you were to sit there and you were to think who you were two years ago, or maybe before whatever the event is or the situation is that happened that has kind of kickstarted your downward slope, who do you like more? Who you are now or who you used to be? If you're sitting there and you're reminiscing on past you and you're wishing you were past you, there's probably something going on there. If you are anxious all the time, probably something going on there. If you're doing things to your friends that you would feel guilty about if you were to sit back and zoom out, something else is happening there. And a lot of this stuff is stuff I was doing. I know I at one point even apologized to one of my friends because I was like, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. I just I couldn't handle it anymore. And I would hang out with my family. Family was a great target, and it was just I had no patience. I couldn't do it. I was always distracted because my mind was just elsewhere. And I think that's another good factor. If you're not paying attention, if you're going into work and you're thinking about other things, and again, your rock bottom could even be a health issue. Maybe you're just so distracted by other things that you can't recenter yourself. But those were some of the identifying flags, and then hitting rock bottom, it just happens. And when it happens, you know it happens. I don't know if there's a really good way to transition in between there, as much as it is identifying you've hit that bottom and you can't keep living your life like that, and then changing it. Because at the end of the day, you're the only person that controls how you feel and what the situation is and how you move forward. And if you have one life to live, do you want to live it that way? Another part of that is you change your people, you change your situation, you change your surrounding. If you look at all that and you're not happy with where you are, then something has to get. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

I definitely agree with you that there is this core person that you are. It's this person that you identify with ever since you're little. And I think women, especially, and not men too, as you go through changes in life, you do see how that person changes. So sometimes you change and you don't even realize until you look back three, four years ago, as we talked before in episodes, and you're like, oh my God, who was that person? I want to go back to being fun and not be so worried about life and all of these things, right? Like you cannot just forget about it until you're on the other side and you recognize that you have shifted. We have to shift. I mean, that's growing up. You can't be expected to be the same person your whole life. But at your core, you are the same person and with the same values. And that's how you recognize yourself. I think it's so important that you said that you couldn't even recognize yourself anymore. You couldn't recognize how you were acting with the people that you love, even apologizing for things that honestly at the time probably weren't your fault because you. You were just existing in, I would call this an airplane mode. You're kind of just doing the steps through life, but you're not really realizing what's going on. As we talked in the episode about anxiety, the more you are distracted and the more you are away from the present and what's going on in the moment, the more your body starts to get those feelings of anxiety and those feelings of this association. Because you are so not in your body to transition into my rock bottom. It wasn't about relationship. I really thought about this because you know, when we were talking, Amanda, you were like, okay, we already talked about my breakup and really what was something that was rock bottom for me. Sometimes I would not argue a breakup, at least for me, there is a reason that you're sad. Somebody broke my heart. I need to move forward because I really depended on this person. But let's talk about the type of rock bottoms that come out of nowhere. And nobody outside did anything to you. It wasn't really related, word related. It wasn't that there was this huge change in your life. There's just something inside of you that starts to feel off. And you don't know where it's coming from. And that's something that very much I experienced. And that was back a few years ago, 2023, 2022. I do think it was a little bit tied with losing my grandmother, which I did share in the past. However, as time has gone by and I can very much say that I'm on the other side of this, there were multiple factors happening around me. I knew that I wasn't happy career-wise. I felt that I needed to start pushing myself forward into something. But that was a thought that was kind of lingering in the back of my head. But I was fine mentally and physically, I was like, I'm okay, I'm having fun with my friends. I just moved to San Francisco. I met my boyfriend. That part of me wasn't extremely fulfilled, and I knew that. But because so many other factors in my life were fine, I was just distracted by everything else. And then I like to think that crises in life come when it's time for you to change and you don't make that decision yourself. I remember very vividly, I started to feel anxiety out of nowhere. And like I said, sometimes when you're like, okay, this guy is making me feel this way, and that's why I'm getting anxiety. Because I very much know what it's like to have anxiety from dating somebody that you're not supposed to be dating, following them on social media. I know that type of anxiety, but I know it's tied to that situation. But when that anxiety feeling starts coming to you out of nowhere, and you don't really understand where it is coming from, it's really hard because if you don't know the problem, you don't know how to find the solution. And so that's how it started for me. Back in 2023, I started feeling off. I started feeling waking up in the middle of the night and having like sort of like those little panic attacks. Slowly and slowly, slowly, it starts sticking over your mind over your days. I remember in the beginning, I would just have it and forget about it and move forward. But as time kept moving forward and days started happening more often, it started to take a lot of space in my mind in the day-to-day. And so it got to the point where I was literally thinking, is it my hormones? Am I having a hormone disbalanced? Am I feeling alone? I'm definitely not enjoying going to work anymore. And all of the things that were kind of minimum, like me not being happy with where my career was at the time, start kind of just become big because every little thing, it just becomes huge. Your boyfriend, like now everything is huge. Your family, it's huge. And I felt very much like you, Amanda, very distracted because I couldn't sit down and enjoy a meal because I was so worried about everything else and just enhance. It's just going through the emotions, right? I went to the doctor and I remember going to this doctor, and I also shared this experience where I told her, hey, like I'm having this anxiety. I don't know where it's coming from. Can you test my hormones? She was like, everything's fine. Your blood test is fine. You're not really having any symptoms that your hormones are of balance. Because welcome to the modern world where they don't really like to look into deeper roots of your issues. They just want to wait for you until you're sick and then they medicate you. Um, and so it I literally had to cry. I was so overwhelmed in that in that appointment that I had to cry, and that woman finally was like, Okay, yeah, yeah, like let's do the um hormone test. And she's like, I don't really know what I'm looking for, but whatever. Putting that to the side, I did do my test, everything really came normal, except I don't remember which hormone was kind of a little bit high. And I remember, but she was like, There's nothing to do about it, like it's just very mild. But I remember looking into Googling it, and it said, if this hormone is off balance, you're most likely experiencing anxiety, and you're also getting acne. And I was like, it's kind of interesting how it's a little off, but it is, I am experiencing those, you know, those uh symptoms, but I think that was just a small part, a small little side of a bigger issue. And the bigger issue as I move forward, I think truly was tied with one, me reconciliating with the fact that I know I have to understand that people are gonna leave your lives at some point. I'm talking about you're gonna experience grieving, family, and people that you love because we know that everyone basically is gonna die at some point, right? So I think that was one of the biggest things that I was battling and that I needed to face. And it took me a long time that I knew that I needed to face that. I knew that that was something that was huge for me, but I try not to think about it. Because that's the first thing that you do. You're trying to not think about the thing that's so scary. My anxiety got so bad, and this was towards the end of 2024. I decided that I needed to move away from San Francisco. I was overwhelmed. You talked to your community about it, Amanda, but I didn't tell anybody. The only person that knew was my mom. And Noah knew also. My boyfriend, he knew that I was dealing with two things, but I would say they only knew 20 to 30 percent. I wasn't telling the whole thing because what I was going through, I felt what you said, nobody could help me. I knew I was going through it alone, and as much as people know, the fact that I know that I'm helpless from them, this is something that I need to change. It was almost I don't need to talk about it. This is just taking already energy for me that I don't have. I remember I just knew in the back of my head, what I knew was I need to quit my job. I don't have another job waiting for me, and I need to move back to the region where my mom is, which is the Palo Alto area. All I kept thinking was, I need to be in nature. That's all I kept thinking. I just had this thought, which is very interesting because it's very similar to what you said. There is this thought that keeps coming back, and for me was you need to be in nature. And I don't know how to explain it. I love my apartment in San Francisco, and it's so interesting because now I go back and I'm like, oh, this is so pretty. I would love to live here. But the mindset that I was in when I was living there, it wasn't it. The fact that I didn't have a place, a backyard or anything, it was so annoying to me because I was like, I need to be outside. This apartment is making me feel claustrophobic. I need to live. Long story short, I quit my job. I make sure that my apartment is rented or Airbnb, and I have no financial things that are holding me back. I'm able to just move back with my mom. And then I just need a break. I need to just wake up and not worry, and then just try to find a middle where I can just start sorting through these thoughts. But of course, part of me was like, Am I running away? There was just also thoughts on this side. Am I running away from this situation? Is this something that I need to go through? Do I need to just push through? What's going on? But I really couldn't. And honestly, when I decided to live, I was, as you said, there were almost zero skittles in my bag. I was at my bare minimum. I wasn't even trying to hang out with my friends. And that's when you know, I didn't feel motivated to go out. It was just raining, going out and socializing with people. Even though when I finally did, because my friends were like, let's go out. And I'll be like, Okay, let's go get lunch. And I will be with them. It was it was actually helpful. Once I would go back to my apartment, I didn't want to leave. And I started getting a little bit of anxiety of leaving my apartment. I just kind of wanted to be alone. I didn't want to see people. It was just crazy. And how I'd be spiraled into all of those things. And I remember moving back with my mom, and there was this shift. I immediately felt a relief. I remember waking up the next day and then just kind of taking it slowly. And it took a long time because I did have to sit alone, really just go through it. But I didn't have my work anymore where I had to pretend to be there and all of these little distractions that just weren't helpful. And then slowly and slowly, nature. We moved next to a place where it was necessary. Every day I would wake up and go on this long hike in the middle of nature and then just walk and not even listen to music, just be in the moment that was healing me. I keep saying to people, this walk healed me. Because it was the only thing that would pull me away from those anxiety like throughout the whole day. It started becoming slower and slower. I wasn't rushing through my days. Okay, I need to like get ready and go to work and do all these things. And I also noticed that that was important too because you feel you have to do it all. You have to work out and you have to eat well and you have to socialize and you have to go to work. And I feel having that stopped, maybe this is also why your body is also rejecting all of these things. I was very skinny. I remember looking at myself in the mirror, and it was the kind of skinny that I was like, this is so ugly. I feel unwell. Even though I wasn't physically unwell, I just felt not healthy, which is very interesting. You know, people are like, Oh, I want to be skinny. You don't want to be this kind of skinny, you just feel not okay. Food wouldn't taste well. All of those little things. It's just crazy how every little factor of your life just gets affected. But that's how I still came back. Interesting enough, literally within a month of quitting my job, immediately got reached out by a company where I could work remotely, where they were paying a grade, where I was able to start working on initiatives that I actually care about, where I was gonna show up with value. And I was like, is this too soon? I'm not even looking to get a job. I'm not working in an office. So that's already a huge deal. So I started working for them and it was different. I was excited to show up and start collaborating with people and having conversations because I was showing value. Slowly started building up my working out in the middle of the day, and then just enjoying the morning and slow mornings. It didn't happen overnight. I think this year I finally had been feeling I will say normal, but we were saying back to that person that I recognized because I very much didn't recognize myself. Being more soft and not the hassle and not the you gotta do it all. Even some people that are close to me, they recognize I feel like you became more soft because if people know me, I'm very intense when I go for something. I go wholeheartedly and I have a lot of intensity and discipline. And while that's good, it can also be too much, even for myself. And it's funny because now I'm actually opening up to my friends about that state in my life, and they're all like, What? Y'all are going through that and you didn't tell us, and no one noticed, no one ever was, oh Laura, yeah, we felt like something was off. No one noticed. I was just really faking it because I was so unwell. I was like, you amella. People would talk to me and I'll be like, wait, what? I was so not there, but I am happy that I'm on the other side, and it's so interesting, and I so resonated with something that you said. It was what, like almost two years, three years, and I think, oh my god, I wasted three years of my life being in that head space, and I have so much life to live, and I'm so excited for everything that's coming and life's happening. At the end of the day, maybe it's just experiences that we have to go through, and you really come to the other side better, I think, than before. So is this growing up? I don't know. Is this what everyone experienced? I don't know, but I would definitely say once you're on the other side, it's amazing. It's an amazing feeling.

SPEAKER_00 35:14

Yeah, it is. There's two things you said that I think are in both of our stories, and probably hopefully anybody that experiences something similar to this is the first one being when it's over, you do have a sense of relief. It's like a weight has lifted from your chest. And then the second one being that if you are asking what's wrong with me, what's going on, something along those lines? Well, you and I both did that. And I think that's a telltale sign. Laura, with the last few minutes we have of this episode, I wanted to ask you then what is your kind of advice to somebody who may be starting to identify that something is amiss or some crisis that's happening. What would you say to do to help identify what's going on and where they're at with that rock bottom process?

SPEAKER_01 36:07

I think that going back to yourself, listen, I do want to reiterate, we're not experts in we are not telling people what to do because we're just as normal human beings just living this life and experiencing it as we go. But I will say a common denominator from your story and my story is that there is always this little voice inside of you that is talking to you. And I look back when I quit my job, and that was huge. I was about to quit my job, and it was at the time where people are getting fired. I mean, you're really thinking about this, right? I knew that there was no alternative. I couldn't see or imagine myself past a point in my life, continuing that life. And I think that happened to you. It's either now or I don't see myself going forward. Cannot picture myself in a situation or you kind of just picture yourself in the future. I couldn't. I couldn't see past that until I changed that. And while that was really scary, letting my job and not knowing what I was gonna do next, everything started aligning again the moment I made that decision. And I wish I would have made it earlier on. I think that when you create that kind of there's a word for this, you push back where life is take taking you, pull back, and you kind of just don't want to make it, you will feel it. That is the right thing to do, and you will feel that life is taking you in a different direction. I want people to take that away. Listen to your inner voice. If you are feeling those symptoms that we talk about today, and your body is literally physically telling you something is not okay, pay attention to that. Put everything else in the back hold. Turn back and ask yourself what is happening because that feeling is not gonna go away, it's gonna get worse and worse, and you're gonna have to make moves. And the beautiful thing is there is beautiful life happening after that. And so you just need to face it and go through it, but it's I think it's the biggest indicator that you need to shift and that you need to change something. That is, I think, what I will say to somebody who's going through it. What about you to end it really quick there?

SPEAKER_00 38:25

I would say to find moments to self-reflect on whatever that self-reflection looks like to you. It could be journaling, it could be a walk in nature, it could just be taking a shower and giving yourself time to unplug and think and know devices. Maybe it's in your car when you're driving, whatever it is, where you can find a moment of silence to truly self-reflect and be able to listen to what your body is telling you, body and mind. That would be my advice.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

Yeah, and I would say pay attention to that repetitive thought that you get in your head. Like yours, what was yours? Oh, mine was I need this to stop. You need this to stop. And mine was you need to be in nature. Yeah, so yeah, no, and it's true, and you need it to stop. And honestly, nature saved me. It really changed my life. Amanda, always a pleasure. Thank you so much for sharing. We will see you guys next week. And you can always find us on Wait, What's Next Pod. I actually created a link tree, and now that lives in the podcast, so now you guys can go and it'll prompt you to whatever you want to listen to, whether it's Spotify, Apple, whatever. We have a vlog on YouTube. Already started posting on TikTok, so that's great. If you guys can stream it and find us anywhere else, we have an update. Apple Podcast is now gonna have a video. So now you can not only listen to us on your way to work or on your vlog, you can also watch that on Apple Podcasts when you're in your channel or when you're working out or whatever it is that you listen and stream video. So we'll see you guys next week and thank you for joining us. See you next week. Bye.