Knot Your Average Questions

Transcript

Kari: 0:00

Well, welcome to 2025 with our new name. What is it? Naughty by nature. Naughty by nature. Why are we naughty by nature? We've been rolling with this for a while because we just, we needed a name change. It wasn't working well. And one of the things we like to do best, remember things aren't working well. We change. Yeah. We adapt. We overcome. And the same way we preach about relationships, we change, we adapt, we overcome. Yeah. And here we are doing that. Look at your cute little segue. See, that was a good one. That was a really good one. We're sitting here like, I didn't know where you're going to go with that. That was great. We're redoing intros over and over again. That one's stuck. I feel like that one. Isn't it funny that you're stuck, but mine didn't. Yeah, that's typical. So weird. So weird. So no, uh, we, we are welcoming into 2025. February of 2025. Hey, you know what? We're here. Damn it. We're here. Um, but yes. So what our hope is within the name change that is actually, there is no change where we're the same, um, quirky ass, weird couple that is here to bring you information. Uh, we, we remain to be our raunchy, but informative podcast and, and literally there is no difference other than, yeah, we adjusted the name. That's been my favorite thing is being hailed as educationally raunchy. Who coined us as that? I feel like I did, but maybe not. It must've been a critic of some sort. Oh, a critic. Couldn't have been from the inside. It had to have been from the outside. None, none of us was going to think of that. Right. But we've been, we've enjoyed it. So far, I mean, we're doing good with the change and, uh, we're excited to bring you the same fun shit episodes that we've been doing. And when today we're actually kind of taking it back to basics, we're going to get it on, we're going to get into this all in good time, but today's all about going back to basics. It's a new year. We tend to do that anyway. Yeah, we kind of do. I mean, this is what our like third year technically. Yeah. We've been going since 2022. Yeah. So third, third year with the show. Um, But again, like we're just really here to continue to bring the information to you. Um, some of it's updated and super relevant and some of it is just whatever we really feel like talking about in the time. Um, we do get a lot of questions from y'all, which is insanely helpful. Um, because sometimes I feel like we've like ran a topic into the ground and then we're still getting questions around the same topic. It's one of my favorites, honestly, because that just, that makes me feel like a teacher. Yeah. Reviewing the same thing over and over again to teach the incoming class and then just trust that the outgoing classes knowing what they're doing from then on out. So I like the fact that we kind of proved to be that conduit for people to expand their knowledge in terms of kink and in terms of relationships. But I think it also gives us an opportunity to like alter how we Give y'all the information right because if we've said something multiple times, but it's still not clicking then How can we better ourselves or alter it or adjust it so it can kind of fit every like? Individual that's listening to us which isn't always easy and coming from me. That's an educator like Sometimes it takes the right way of being said or the right person to say it before it clicks. Yeah, so that's kind of what we hope to do. And, and we're also not trying to like drown you in the same material, but sometimes we do feel it beneficial to bring up old material. So then we can maybe say it in a new light in hopes that it will then click or connect with you. Especially whenever people are asking similar questions. And this, this falls also into new listeners. We've had a huge influx. And the last six months or so of a bunch of new listeners who now we're starting to get emails. It's like, Hey, listen to the show. I've heard y'all talk about this, but dive in goes over anal. Do y'all have an episode that goes over how to talk about my fantasies? Do y'all have an episode that goes over? What the fuck ever it might be. I mean, at this point we kind of probably do, you know, it's just a question of, do you want to catalog them that detail? Yeah, that's fair. I would much rather sit down and be like, great, you know what? Let's have another conversation around it and see what we can come up with. So that's what we want to do today is we've compiled probably our 10, I would say most asked questions about kink. Yeah, very specific topic. People are super interested in kink. I know right now people are going, we don't care about communicating clearly. We care about the spicy shit. Give us the kinky shit. It's all the fucking smutty book readers out there. That's what that is. That has to be like, what do they call it? An up, uptake? And uptick, there's been like a massive loads of individuals that are now talking about like sexual kinks and wants through this, like increase in fantasy books or any fancy books, but like sexual book re emergence, the popularity is smut. Yeah. And we are here for it. Well, that's the thing too, is like, I get to talk to a lot of ladies and a lot of fucking women read who knew, but a lot of it, but they don't talk about it because of what they're reading. I know. And I do have like the very fortunate. Um, career choice that I get to sit down and just talk dirty with these ladies, but especially when you're with a client for hours on it. Yeah. I'm with you for four hours. What the hell else are we supposed to talk about? But like smut is one of the number one topics of discussion, which has led to some of my clients that know that I have a podcast that know what you and I are doing as a couple, and it has encouraged them to start asking questions. And I have answered more kink related questions in my career in this last, building the client. It could also help that forking. I know, right. It could also help that people know that I'm doing it so they feel comfortable talking to me about it. Right. But I do think that the increase in like smut books and the popularity of it is getting people to start asking questions. And it comes on the same as circles that I run around in socially. Where once people learn what I do, um, as, as this, as this business, once people learn where we are, then they start to open up real quick. And it's really funny cause I'll have some men that I talked to who on the outside, you would not. Paint them as kinky at all. They're very light, cut and dry. And that's like my social circles and it comes to the bit like my business and talking with them the second they find out it immediately turns into a conversation. Well, wait a minute. I heard about, wait, I can talk about this. Exactly. Now I'm trying to shift. I'm always trying to ship their perspectives because you know me, I'm a, like I consider myself a feminist. Um, I'm not a guys, guy. Uh, I don't want to think I'm more masculine than. You are sure we can explore that at a different thing. However, my point, my point being is that you have a lot of these guys, their first response they have is like, Oh, you do that. How can I get my wife to do this? And I've heard you say that actually. Yeah. My response is the same every time as you don't, you don't get them to do anything. Don't approach the conversation is how do I convince someone to Yeah. I mean, there's not really much equity in that. That's more of, that's to me, that's like a selfish introduction. Very. Ooh, you're kinky? Cool. How can I make this happen? Yeah. I respect the fact that you're interested in kink and fantasy and all that, but I think that you should first have a conversation with your partner around like maybe your fantasies. Right. Or even a talk with yourself. Am I only doing this for me? Yeah. Am I doing this for us? Yeah. Right. It's okay to enjoy things on your own. Like it's okay to be like, you know what I've, I've thought about, I've watched videos on this. Here's, here's maybe the fantasies I have. Here's the acts that I would like to engage in. How can I bring that to my partner? How can you bring it into the relationship versus how can I get them to do this to me? Another thing that I find really interesting is that men don't really talk about this type of stuff to other men. It takes, it takes, it's really rare. It's so, I, I did not know growing, growing up in my head, men were just like, The biggest gossip sharing stories and like what I do with my partner that it could not be further from the truth. It's women, women will talk about anything. Clients. I know about your husband's, I know, I've heard all about it. I've heard everything, you know, the size, shape, girth, all of it. I know your clients been around, but like. And I just grew up thinking that that was men that talked like that. Right. And it's not, it's women. Right. And I'm not, I fucking love it. But it is women that share these stories. For the most part. Yes, I would be fucking bored if I was a dude. It has, it had, to me, it has a lot to do with so many men being territorial. And thinking of have that mindset of like, this is mine. And they're like very covetous about it. And they're very like, this is mine. This is my treasure that they don't want anyone else to know about what's going on with them. And also it leads into them talking or not talking about perhaps issues or problems because they've been trained to believe that talking about their issues is a sign of weakness. And if you discuss it with someone that it makes you less of a man. Do you think that's what it is? I think that's in part. Yeah. I think there's a lot of variables that go into it, but for the most part, like men are not brought up in an okay way, like they're not, it's, there's a lot of, a lot of toxic behaviors that go around and I'm not going to toss out the trigger word for that, but there's a lot of toxic behaviors that come along. That's one of them with how men are raised, uh, there's a severe lack of sexual education. There's a severe lack of like emotional vulnerability that's needed within relationships and with people. And it's just a shit show for so many out there. So I have a, I have a like a quick question and then we are going to actually get into our topic. But it's something I just thought about. So like, you know, my history of. Um, watching sex shows at a very young age, um, we do being very passionate about it, but I always thought that I was receiving this information as like a girl that. Not only needed to protect herself, right? But be as educated as I could to, in a sense, benefit my own safety. But like, from you, growing up and learning the same perspective, or, I'm sorry, not the same perspective, but watching the same stuff through a different lens. What do you feel was your benefit from watching that type of stuff? And do you feel like it altered who you are today? Oh, absolutely. I do. So I think that the, the type of materials consumed is probably what did the trick, uh, because a lot of the stuff that I watched growing up, and we've, we've talked about this before. Yeah. We've talked about watching real sex. We've talked about watching, um, like what Dr. Ruth, yeah, Dr. Ruth and a lot of these, a lot of these shows and part of what it provides you. I. Think boils down to like, what, what is your, it's hard to do this as a, as a kid, because as, as growing up, you don't have the mindset of, I'm trying to learn as much as I can about relationships. You're just like, mine was just safety. I just remember being like. Okay. What would men be attracted to? What would men be drawn to? And let me do the opposite. And I, and it was literally coming from a safe, a place of safety. Which came from learned experience from you. Yeah. Right? So it comes from stuff in the past of now you have the mindset, like something created that lens of I need to be safe for men. Yes. And so, you know, And so in doing that, it became, that was your perspective of watching the show. That's the lens. You were, you were viewing it through. Yeah. So I guess I'm curious about you though. What made you have that like, I wanna watch originally it was from a purely sexual standpoint, uh, it was, I know what sex is. I know that I'm not learning about it. I wanna know about it. I don't know anything about it. What's, what is this? What is this? Okay, yeah. What, what's pleasure about? And I mean, at a young, as a young of an age enough to be like. What's masturbation and how do you do it? To be like, well, there was a pleasure standpoint. There was a sexualized standpoint purely in the beginning. Well, yeah, you're a kid. And then as it started going, as we started, started watching more of it, it became more of like, well, wait a minute, there's people that do this and they're able to achieve like, like these really cool things like social circles and they're able to like, learn how these toys are operated. They're able to learn like all these different acts. And I went, that's not what I have understood sex to be. I'd always been told that sex was this one thing. And then I've come to find out that there's this whole area that sex encompasses that is really entertaining and that can be used for good and that can be used to build connection and communication. And I think it was probably because I watched a lot of those sex shows from way too young of an age. Um, but then going into like teens. And being exposed to things like pornography, because I was exposed to those shows before I was ever exposed to pornography. Same. So then when I was like first exposed to like pornography and stuff, I did have the sense to realize like, cool, this is a, this is an act. Yeah, this is actors acting on stage just like they do in dramas or anything else. Mm hmm. So to have that perspective that shifted to being able to be like, how can I like use this in my own life? How can I use this to create pleasure for other people in my life? You know, like, you know, me, that's one of my key concerns. Anytime we like with sexual, uh, acts or anything like that. It's always been like, how can we get the most pleasure for everybody? Very like you tell utilitarian principles, how can we get the most pleasure? And so that's what it was on my perspective of looking through the lens of pleasure and how do you achieve it? Yeah. It's just like a fucking Lewis and Clark of sex manifest destiny, explore it all. So then like, where do you think that growing up the way that you did being sexually aware that the way that you were or brought or not brought up, but you know what I'm saying? Um, when did you start taking with your introduced into like kink? So in the getting into like more of what we consider some of the, yeah, like I, like we understand where we came from and all that and what shaped us. But again, like. Because obviously today we were focusing on kink, but I'm very curious as to like, what was one of the first things that you understood as kink or what was something that you saw the first time you're like, Oh, that's defined as kink. I have pinpoint that that would have been on an episode of real sex when I was little and there was people like dressed in leather and engaging in impact play. Okay. Oh, I didn't know what it was at the time. Sure. To me, even at that time, like it was a little scary because it was like people in leather not showing their faces and like being whipped with shit. Yeah. And it was like, what the fuck is going on? Like, I don't know what this is. Yeah. This is, this was like a little bit scary. Now it wasn't until later the understanding of consent, the understanding of communication, like learning what they're engaging in. Uh, would be considered just kink, but it's not something that was harming these people. This is something that everybody that was there and participating in it wanted to do. So would you say that you didn't understand that level of kink until you understood like The other side of things, right? Like what they're saying. Oh yeah. I don't think that anybody, I don't think anybody watching kink from the outside in with no knowledge about what's going on is going to understand it. Yeah. I don't think there's any hope for them to understand. I think that it's not until they actually gain the perspective in the same way that you gain perspective from any culture, any group of people, you look from the outside in, you're going to have. Your biases that you, that you have inherently grown up with the ones that you've formulated because you haven't engaged. It's the same way that we engage in like cultural understanding. If we go in and immerse ourselves in it, or if we at least talk to people who engage in it, you gain a better understanding. And so it was, yeah, it was for me, it was definitely like, saw it, didn't know what it was, kind of scared of it, started to learn more about what it was, started to learn about all the different angles of it. And then when. Oh, this is a really great way for people to engage with each other in a safe manner that they can explore deeper sides of themselves and engage in such a way that creates not only pleasure, but oftentimes a therapeutic feeling of release and ways of feeling just pure satisfaction and happiness in their lives. kink could maybe listen to this episode? And what we're about to be discussing and maybe have a different perspective. Yeah. I would hope so. Right. I would hope that if you're somebody that's, that's like, I feel like I know what kink is, but I don't engage in kink and this episode is probably for you. Okay. Um, I think that if you do engage in kink and you listen, you, maybe you can gain some new knowledge, but if you're talking about completely having like a paradigm shift that I think that this would be good for people that are like, I'm not really a keen person, but I've had interest in it. To really explore maybe some of your misconceptions that you understand or have a lack of understanding for. Okay. So Mr. Like critical thinker, cause you're really good at gotten better over, over the time. Isn't that weird? So I basically have, I compiled a list of questions that not only viewers or listeners have sent us, but I did go through and like ask, like, what are the, some of the most common, like miss whatever of. Go ahead. Misconceptions. Thank you. Of kink. So because you are the doctor, I'm going to go through, and of course I'm going to have my own two cents, but I would like to ask these questions then to you, um, and then let's just kind of let it go into discussion. Okay. You ready for your first? So we're doing, we've got like a compilation of like 10 questions, right? Yeah. I went through and just made a list of 10. Like I said, some of them were ones that people had asked us and some are the ones that I've just kind of like searched online, like most common misconceptions of, right? Yeah. Okay. Let's do it. Okay. So, the first question, now this actually came from a listener, but it says, is kink just about sex? Of this question. That's why I started with it. I was like, oh, he loves this one. Cause I get to answer that question with a question. Yeah. Uh, and you don't have to answer this question. It's just, uh, how do you define sex? That, that's genuinely the first question that I have because what I've had in my conversations with people is that whenever they're asked to define sex, a lot of the time they're like, Oh, that's, you know, penis and vagina penetration. That's a very narrow scope of the word sex. And even whenever I talk to members of the queer community. Because we don't, you know, remove that penis into vagina penetration. Right. Then they're like, well, it's, you know, some sort of, of act of which we're playing around with each other's genitals. Okay, well, we need to broaden our horizons from even that. Sex is really whatever you define it as. Yeah. Any engagement that you have with at least one other person in terms of this intimacy way. You could potentially consider it as sex. So I think that sex can be defined in a broad, broad stroke. Having said that, whenever it comes to kink, is all kink sexual? No, that's a resounding no from me is not, not all kink is sexual. What is it you're deriving from some of the kink acts that you're portraying? Cause remember if it's considered kinky, then it's just considered kind of like. Outside outside the norm. Yeah, exactly. So unconventional is what they'll call it a lot. And in Western society, we have a very narrow scope of what sex is. So anything being introduced is considered outside of the norm, which is considered kinky. So like, just not having sex in the bed, could it be centered? Yeah, a lot of people would be like, Oh wow, sex on the couch is super kinky. And then in the Western culture, we had sex with the window open. And I think in neighborhoods, there's a lot to consider, but you can also engage in a number of acts that would be considered kink that are not necessarily sexualized, take one of our favorites, Shibari, for example, I can sit down with you and I can place a tie on you. With no intention of engaging in sexual activity whatsoever. More of it being this feeling that you get of being bound, of being restrained, the feeling that I get of restraining you, the practice in it. So we can remove the sexualization of it. We can remove the sex from it. And just engage in a simple act of what would be considered kinky. And that can be spread across the entire board. So no, a resounding no, not all kink acts. Is it actually? Yeah. Yeah. Um, so this is one that I actually got from online, but I thought it was a good point to bring up. And it was saying is BDSM. Abusive. But first, can you go ahead and like, what is BDSM? Can you, do you remember like bondage? It's bondage, dominance, submissive, um, masochism, right? Like masochism, it is. No, it absolutely is. Um, but then, yeah. Is that then considered abuse? Here's the fun thing. Uh, whenever we look at the, see, this to me is going to all go back to definitions. How do you define certain things? Right. And so whenever we're looking at the definition of abuse and we're looking at like creating harm for someone, BDSM could potentially create harm for someone. Um, the key word that we want to put into any of that is, is consent is the act that you're engaging in consensual as a person saying, I would like to experience, let's go, let's go with impact play. Cause that's what a lot of people think of. But right. It's like, Oh, you're going to get whipped when hit with a pad and all that. Yeah. That's a form of it. That's impact play. Um, and you can create bruising and you can create. Like lashings and all that kind of stuff and go with it. It can generate like pain, but not everybody sees pain as a bad thing. And whenever it's a consensual act between two adults in which you're not creating life threatening harm and what you're engaging in an act that allows you to explore various sensations, that is not inherently abusive because remember, whenever we're talking about abuse, we're talking about. That generation of pain or whether it be emotional or physical, and that is unwanted and something that creates harm within the person's life itself creates negative outcomes. The outcomes typically of BDSM that we look like when engaged appropriately and consensually aren't going to create those negative outcomes. They're going to create positive outcomes. Yeah. And as someone, um, from my own experience that has gone into the BDSM lifestyle and found it, Very therapeutic. Um, I've never felt that I was abused in any way. Um, because as a person receiving, we had this like a beautiful thing called a safe word. Um, we, we also have the red, the light light system where we've talked about in the past, we're going to very quickly talk about it now, right? Where. Um, green means go, right? Whatever act you're doing, I love it. Yellow means I don't mind it, but just don't take it to the next level, right? Maybe, maybe, maybe slow down where you're at. It's okay, but don't go, don't go further. And in red, obviously meaning stop, um, and then our added blue and then our added blue and blue is I'm having an emotional response for this, which immediately typically goes into like after directly after care, whatever the case may be. But from someone that has been on the receiving end from it, I have never felt that way. Not not once and also because it's From our communication and the things that we have set in place. Yeah. We see, we see the depictions of BDSM and we'll stick with specifically impact play for this example where people are tied up and you're looking from the outside in, and if you don't understand what's going on, you're like, Whoa, this person's being. like hit or hurt, or they're even making noises that I would associate with somebody being injured. They need to stop doing that. They're clearly being hurt and reality. No, what they're engaging in can be very cleansing for them and very calming for them. So so no, uh, not all kink is abusive, but there is definitely, we have to side note this. There is definitely people that can, Leverage kink to generate abuse. This is the importance of doing things like vetting the people that you're going to be engaging with. This is the importance of making sure you're in a safe, a safe environment. There's so much to it, which is also why we try to tell people don't engage with people that you're not comfortable and safe with and always be vigilant, making sure you're looking out for others and you're looking for red flags. Yep. Um, so the next question that I got, uh, came from one of our, our listeners. But I do feel like this is. It's a big topic, but we have to be careful with it at the same time. But, um, are people into kink because of past trauma? Yes. And no. Yeah. As I said, let me be careful because it's both. But I do think that people assume that, Oh, I had this traumatic experience as a child, which then, or any point, it doesn't have to be childhood at any point, which had then turned into a kink, but that's not necessarily the case. So let me return that with say, say that you did experience something traumatic as a child. Okay. And now because of that trauma, you have developed, uh, this attraction towards a certain type of kink. Why is that bad? I find it like I'm a reclaim that shit. Right? Like I don't think it's bad, but I, yeah, no, keep going. Keep going. I'll stop. That was, that was, that was a, I think that was a good answer. A lot of times people can reclaim their power. They can find a, uh, this nice empowering experience by engaging and taking back the very thing that broke through their defenses in the first place, especially whenever it's something maybe that happened to you as a child and It created this like rewiring of your brain that just destroyed you emotionally to re explore that we have other types of, you know, therapies that people see where there is a version of, of exposure therapy, where someone say afraid of heights. And so they take them up on a high building or they do like VR where you're at the top of the building. Exposure therapy can be, can be helpful to people. And the same way. If you had a traumatic experience and now you find yourself attracted to certain kinks as long as they're consensual and as long as you are not creating a negative outcome for yourself by engaging in it, no, it's, it's, it's entirely okay to engage in it. But yeah, of course that you can develop kinks off of past traumas. I like using the example, uh, because I'm a bourbon drinker. I always like using the example that all bourbon is whiskey, but not all whiskey is bourbon. It takes certain things. There's a broad topic that is whiskey, but then there's a subset that is bourbon in the same way. Not all traumas become kinks. And not all kinks are traumas, right? You can develop kinks that have nothing to do with your past with your past. That can be something that you just saw and said, that looks fun. Now, if we did a deep dive, you might find something that linked it to an event that occurred to you. Could have been negative, could have been positive. Could have been a number of things. Yeah. I mean, really, we're all subject to our past anyways, right? We can be. Yeah. So at the end of that all, like you can make that claim. Like they're not all. Not all kinks are, are, are derivative of the trauma. Uh, but I would also ask you to revisit that by saying, even if some of them are, um, is that a bad thing? Right. Cause I love what you're saying is like, we're reclaiming that. Right. And then also I, I know individuals that have gone through a traumatic experience and use that to, like we've said to reclaim it, but it also needs to come with what we were talking about just a second ago is. Finding a partner that you feel comfortable with to try to reclaim that through while using the red light system while communicating. I mean, that's one of the reasons why I do feel like this kink lifestyle can be very therapeutic. I mean, even the trauma therapist I'm seeing now, she has brought up. Hey, what is a lot? Have you ever thought about getting into a, you know, impact play engagement with someone where you could. You know, reclaim some of the trauma that happened to you in the past. And this is my therapist telling me this. Like, and I, and I love to hear that though. One, it's validating for you and I. And two, like, It's just, it's really helpful and empowering. I mean, there's actually a friend of ours that obviously we don't mention names here, but there's a friend of ours that went through a breakup where, um, they had this like massive praise kink, like massive praise kink. And then, um, after they broke up with her partner, they were like, Oh, I'm not doing that anymore. I don't, I'm not going to have a praise kink because. It just reminds me of this other person, which to me, I'm like, fuck that. Like have a praise kink because you have a praise kink. Don't like associate that. You don't necessarily need to tie it to one partner. And so going through some steps to break that. Tie that association would be necessary. Yeah. Anyways. Okay. We're going to go on to the next one so we can keep in timeline. Um, does being dominant mean being aggressive? I love this question so much. There are a million different types of, of doms or dominance out there. There really are. Uh, The thing that we have to keep in mind whenever it comes to our dominance, aggressive, they can be, they can also be soft. And they're kind of aggressive or soft to what your needs as the sub could be, which is one of the biggest thing are as the person is that Dom doing this for their own selfish reasons, which it could, or are they doing it for like, with, for the relationship, for the dynamic. For you, are they taking all that into account? We've had people we've talked to that have been like, well, you know, I wanted to be submissive. So I got onto something like fat life and I was looking for a Dom and I met this guy. And one of the first things he messaged me was that was his expectations of my behaviors before ever entering into any sort of contractual agreement before. Ever vet any vetting process. It immediately was like, you will address me as sir. All the time you will do, you know, X, Y, and Z. And that's what we call red flags. Yeah, that is aggressively what we call red flags. But that level of aggression is not OK. No, but you have to understand that the, um, the bind or I'm trying to think of a better word for it. But the connection that a Dom and a sub have is not to make one higher or better than the other. Most times a Dom's goal is to help the sub achieve what they want to achieve in life. It's to help them. It's to better them. It's not to take over. It's not to control. It is, is there to say, I'm going to help you with the things that you are already wanting to achieve. Yeah. Which is one of the, one of the topics we discussed. Remember it like comes to the power of the sub versus the power of the Dom. Yeah. Power exchanges is willingly given. Let's be correct. Willingly. Yes. It's you're not entering into a power dynamic in which power is. Taken or demanded. Ultimately, the initial start is going to be willingly given. And then from there it becomes, here's how you'll talk to me. Here's going to be your tasks, your punishments, all of that kind of stuff that comes after those initial engagements of here's what I'm looking for. Let's vet you out. Let's figure out if this is going to be a good fit. Now, green light go. Now we can enter into that aggressive behavior or that more aggression if it's negotiated out. Correct. Okay. So then, um, really back into the same thing, but on the opposite side of it is submission a sign of weakness. Then I think that you would be a good person to answer this. Yeah. Um, so as someone as myself, that is a very loud outspoken dominating like personality type. Um, I love to be submissive at certain times because for me it is that sense of like, I'm going to let myself go. Someone that is very. Um, in charge or dominating, never allows themselves the permission to just let go. Um, it can be a very cleansing experience. And the very first time that I was ever submissive was with you. And then it, it sparked this, like, Inner child in me that wanted to be taken care of, didn't need it, but desperately desired to be taken care of. And I understand that I am more of like the dominant role all the time. So I will find times to be submissive. Yeah. That's where you fit in as a, as a business owner, as somebody that like is taking care of people all the time. You're a mother, like you, you do all these things where you're in like this head roll. All the time around you. So to be able to let go and just sink and have someone else do it all. And that's, to me, I'm like, that's, that's empowering in itself. It is. And, and, and that's the thing is because I'm going to let you do that. And so there is no weakness and letting someone, right. But at the same time, like. I will admit before we got into this lifestyle, before we understood and research and like really dove in, I would in the past have considered that as a weakness. But now as someone that my eyes are more open and I am just more generally aware of things, I now view it as one of my strengths. But I also view it as. I'm, I'm glad that you as my partner give me the space to be submissive because if I didn't trust you, there's no fucking way I would be submissive to you. I like, so it's not a weakness. I like that a lot because whenever you do you discuss like the trust aspect of it, you'll see people that want to enter in, they want to be submissive, but they have a very, very hard time. Letting their guard down. Yeah. This is, again, goes back to that importance of safety and communication and trust, because once you find a group of people or a person that you can genuinely become vulnerable around and allow your defenses to sink, and you sink into that submissive space, and you allow someone to come in and just let them take over and then they do it in such a artful, unique domineering way. That's a great, great dynamic for you to find. Yeah. And it can do a ton of things for you, especially like whenever we're talking about like day to day emotional stuff. That's one of the, one of the things I love. saying to people that maybe that are, uh, that struggle with like their emotions, that they like they don't feel fulfilled or they have all this kind of things. What are you exploring right now to try and change that? And what are you exploring on the side of like intimacy and on the side of potentially leveraging kink? To your benefit to increase your overall happiness and satisfaction in life. Honestly. All right. We're getting serious today. I really like this. Um, so the next one kind of jumped, uh, and this is one I actually found online, um, which I'm kind of surprised our viewers haven't asked this before, but, but it's about. And living a polyamorous lifestyle. Do those, do those go hand in hand? Is it one without the other? Or those are not like mutually inclusive. What's it called? So not synonymous or whatever, saying it wrong. Not, not all people that are into kink are polyamorous and not all people that are polyamorous or kinky, which is interesting because I mean, generally speaking, if you're like polyamory, that's kind of. Sexual interaction outside the norm, which would be considered kinky. So we can go off on a whole, right? That's fair. However, no, not everybody that engages in kink and Paul is polyamorous. What we do see is that people that are engaged in poly, something like polyamory and people that engage in something like kink have some personality traits in common, like great fucking communication skills, right? Serious. You cannot be poly and not be the best communicator. It's an, it is an impossibility for people to engage in these things in a consensual and productive way without building a ton of communication skills without being able to, to set boundaries and follow them and have great self worth to where you can create, generate trust and engage in these things. So I think it's more along the lines of just a lot of. polyamorous people are drawn to kink just like a lot of kinky people are drawn to polyamory. Yeah. I don't think they're, they're not interchangeable. We know plenty of people that are strictly monogamous. Oh yeah. And kinky as fuck. And kinky as. Book. Once you get to know them. Yeah. And then once they actually open up and start talking about it, you're like, you really? Okay. But I also know plenty of poly people that aren't kinky at all. We know poly people that are like vanilla. Yes. Right. Like, um, we have sex with the lights off and close on. But like, yeah, it's, it's not. Yes. Yes. There you can have one without the other easily. Yeah. Um, now this one, I kind of created myself, uh, just because I thought it was a really good question. And it's also because. Like, duh. Okay. I'm gonna go anyways. So Dub and Psalm. Duh. Really? I hate when I do that. Um, that was me in the store yesterday. I do that all the time and it annoys me so bad and I hate that I finally did a recording. I did that with Skittle Gummies yesterday. You, you said it like twice too. Anyways, um, a, a dom and a sub. Walk into a bar. I knew how the fuck did I know you were going to say that anyways, uh, gender roles between dubs and dub. I hate this. We have a dub stepper in a Somalia. Uh, whatever. I'm running my own goddang question. I'm so annoyed. Try again. I am. Okay. For a dom and a sub, are there gender roles around that? Correct answer. No, absolutely not. That is so silly. Go further. Are you, what are you saying? That like, do we usually see? Yeah. Like I'm a dog. I'm a, I'm a man. I'm a man. Cause I'm a dom. That a dom needs to be this like hard cut, aggressive biker looking guy. Almost biker. Yeah. Submissive needs to be like this, like dainty, like quiet, very Calm. All right, Jerry. Yep. No, because it's so funny. I like, yes, I talk about sex a lot. And, and that is one of the most common things is they'd be like, Oh, so are you, well, clearly you're submissive because you're the woman. And I'm like, have you ever heard of Thank you. And I'm like, if you've ever heard of a dominatrix, it is a woman. It is a badass fucking leathered up woman with a whip that I would love to be friends with. If you're a dominatrix, please. Oh, Carrie's got a Catwoman kink. I really have a Catwoman kink and I will sub so hard for you. Uh, Oh, satisfaction. I yours? Yeah. That was a wishful sigh, but no, there's, whatever it comes to things like gender roles, no kink is whatever you make it. Yeah. Like we have to repeat ourselves over and over again, because I've watched a number of, of males that are submissive and they want to be submissive and that's okay. It's the same thing. And this is something that will come up because what you just discussed earlier, we're like thinking about like the powerful woman CEO going into service and to her submissive side. But we didn't discuss the powerful male CEO that wants to explore his because he has a lot of stress on him all the time and he's running things and being a leader and doing all that. It can benefit them as well to sink into their submission and allow someone else to take over and control them entirely. You'd probably get a pretty good, like. emotional release doing that. Yeah. So no, gender roles don't have a. No, that's but that's also the whole thing that I feel like we're trying to get past in the first fucking place or gender roles as a whole. I still have guys out there that I'll talk to. That's like, oh, if a woman puts a finger in your butt, you're gay. You're totally gay. Oh, my God. I had to process it at the time because, you know. I don't think that you understand what that means. I love that you're pointing your finger in the air as if you're trying to put it in a butt. I don't think you understand what that, what that means. Whenever you say what you're saying, like take a step back. Like you're literally talking about engaging with someone of the opposite sex of you, uh, but you're calling it gay. I know. Okay. Anyway. That's a whole other podcast episode about those types of people. All right. So the next one, um, is kink something that has been modern, modern, modern, modernized, or has this something that we have seen like In our history. Oh, are you asking if kink is like, if this is like, did we just come up with this in the last, you know, 20th century or have we been kinky since the dawn of time? I will say this one time and one time only kink has existed as long as humans have. Yeah. Right. And again, the definition of kink can be altered based upon what culture you're speaking with. Um, however, we have well documented. Events throughout history where people engage in all sorts of kink and sexual kink. I mean, what do you think they were doing back in those Victorian eras at those secret parties that they were having? That was some kinky shit that was happening. All right. We can take this back to, I mean, ancient Greece. We can go further back than that. Like there's, there's hundreds and thousands of years of history. Uh, which I mean, I kind of, I don't have the book title on me right now. I think it's just like sex, a history. I'd have to look up who the, uh, who the author was, but they talk about, uh, kinky activities throughout history. I mean, what do you think was happening at orgies? Orgies is considered a kink. Where did we have orgies? Oh yeah. Greek. It was actually, no, there was a video I saw not too long ago, uh, a reel that somebody had made where it was like, it was discussing the difference between, I think it was like Greek orgies. And, um, Oh, I don't remember what other culture it was, but it was like, whenever the, whenever this culture finds out that the other culture brings women to the orgies. Okay. So, um, to end our 10 questionnaire of kink, do people in kink relationships have unhealthy dynamics? They can, they can, they absolutely can. Yeah. Do they all know? Um, if you're engaging a key, so this is just like any other. Any other thing that you engage in, there are multiple ways to go about it. There are multiple ways that you can study it. As long as you're doing your due diligence and learning as much as you can about it and preparing and doing it in a consensual way. That's not going to create an unhealthy dynamic. What creates unhealthy dynamics are the people that do it in an ignorant way. So those people that begin to engage in these things without looking into it first, they're just like, we're going to jump in head first. We're going to go, I'm going to go to the store today and I'm going to go get a paddle and a spanking bench and we're going to put it in the house and then you just bend over and I'm gonna start beating the shit out of you. That's going to create an unhealthy dynamic real well. Yes, I would try not to be turned on right now because we're trying to stay on task. But for the most part, these are the dynamics are typically made by the people. It's not, it's not, it's not the king. It's not the king's fault. It always goes back to the back to the people. Yeah. Well, and I mean, and honestly, any relationship can have an unhealthy dynamic. You take kink or kink out of it entirely. Every relationship can have something unhealthy with it. And I don't what are the most unhealthy relationships statistically? I was about to say am I allowed to answer this? Cisgendered heteronormative relationships? What are the worst? That tends to be where we see the most issues. Now, could that be correlated with the sheer number of these types of couples there are versus other relationships? Yeah. Dynamics. Yeah. Sure. Um, however, that's where we see it most. So no, it's, it's not, it's not the kink. It's the people. Yes. Thank you. So until the people learn how to better themselves and their communication abilities and their ability. Because odds are, they're probably already having. Lack of communication, right? Laugh, lack of consent in their relationship. Don't use it. It's kind of same thing of like, don't use kink to fix your relationship. Oh God, no, that'd be so bad that you use kink in order to really break down the walls between you and your partner to better your relationship and to grow and understand each other more. But God, no, it's not going to be an automatic fix into a relationship. If you have a healthy relationship. Kink is going to put a like wrench in it for a little bit because it just alters and changes everything that you think, you know, about the person that you're with and yourself and yourself. It's similar to whenever we see people that are like, I want to have a threesome. Me and my partner, when I have a threesome and they're doing it because they're just trying to like. Check it off their bucket list. I've had a threesome. Yeah. And so we'll go through and they'll do all these like terrible practices where they like just go and look for a third and they objectify the person. Don't hold them in equity to their own relationship and do all this kind of stuff. That's just damaging. Yeah. I think at this point now I talk people out of having threesomes more than I talk them into it. Because I'm like, okay, you want to have a threesome, let's talk about everything you need to know. And by the end of it, they're like, I don't want to have a threesome anymore. I'm like, I bet not. I don't know if I want to have put in the work. Yeah. I bet you don't. And if you don't want to put in the work, then you don't deserve it. Look, if you're a person that falls into like your. Absolutely secure and everything. And you don't really experience jealousy. You're like, it's a hugely low level and you're curious and you're in your partner on the same level and y'all want to experience that, you know what? Go for it. You can find out that it's an amazing thing. And like, this is a really cool bonding experience and you're getting to engage with somebody else that you guys get to like have equity with and making sure that everybody's taken care of. It's going to be a really cool thing. But you're sitting down, you're like, I think that we're going to have a threesome. I don't really build our relationship more. We're going to be so much stronger after this. Read more about it. You won't learn about it. First, you won't see that first time. They're seeing some of their partner, like receive pleasure from someone. They're like, what the fuck? That's the face I make her make. We've said that on the podcast. Whenever we started engaging our first times, it was like, wait a minute. I know that face. That's what Anymore it could be a kink within itself actually You know a healthy kink next time. We're gonna have a whole discussion on healthy kinks versus unhealthy kinks No, anyways Those are all the questions I had. I mean, yeah, there are a few more, but, um, I was just trying to like compile it into like 10 to keep her episode. No, you did good as, as a parting thought in this. Yeah. Um, we have a lot of people that we talked to about kink. We have a lot of people that we talked to. We talked to them through their relationship issues. We talked to them through all sorts of stuff. Uh, and in fact, I mean, real quick, I would love for you to, you can mention this. Carrie's got something coming up, an opportunity to engage in that very discussion. Yeah. So if you are hearing this message on Friday, the 14th, when this is posted, um, at the salon that I work at on Sunday, the 16th, uh, I am hosting a kink. Expo, essentially. Um, I'm very excited about it, but we've had a group of girls that are coming together and it is business owned women of South Fort Worth and we are creating a little Galentine's event and I'm going to be going in and just talking about my experiences within kink and everything else. I'm very excited for it. Um, it's something that I've always been wanting us to do to, you know, branch out more than just our podcasts and what it is that we're doing. So, yeah. Um, the group that I'll be talking with are called she dares collective. And again, it is, you know, it's all business women, all South Fort Worth. And we are just really looking to expand, uh, and grow, but yeah, it's going to be at collective salon from one to five. If you have any questions about it, just shoot me a message and I would be very happy to answer any questions and also really love to have y'all there. Yeah. That was what? Sunday the 16th. Yep. From one to five. Yeah, you can find out more about it on if you actually go to our page on naughty by nature. You can learn a little bit more about it. Or, or my, yeah, um, I also created another Instagram account. It's called before the knot. Um, and you can find a lot of information on there as well. Um, did you mention this is a free event? Oh, of course. Okay. I didn't mention it. I didn't know if you had said that or not. I didn't, but it is free. So come see me talk about some kinky shit for free this Sunday at collective. I'm proud of you because this is one that we, this is an event that it's not us doing it. This is you doing it. No, this, this is, this is my first event without you, which I'm kind of nervous. Like you should be. I'm so nervous. You're with me with everything. We already know this. You're going to do amazingly. Yeah. You know the stuff, you know, you know the topics, you're very well versed in all these things. I mean, it's easy when I enjoy talking about it, right? Exactly, right? Makes it much easier. Well, for our first episode of 2025, this is Naughty by Nature. I am your co host, Keri Sanders, and I'm Casey Sanders.