The Conscious Salon
Welcome to The Conscious Salon.
Join Tessa and Nicola - sisters, best friends and founders of aHead, Melbourne’s First Mindful Salon. In this space, you’ll be empowered, inspired and entertained by the ups and downs of running a conscious, small business.
We chat mindset, culture, business and give you practical steps to make your life more conscious.
The Conscious Salon
Tess' Truth: An Abusive Relationship
In this vulnerable episode, Tess shares her story of a past relationship that left deep emotional scars, and the strength it took to walk away. She reflects on how grief made her more vulnerable, how the red flags were easy to dismiss, and the pivotal moment that gave her the courage to finally choose herself.
Seven years on, Tess speaks with honesty about the lingering impact of shame and self-doubt, while also showing how her healing has given her a renewed sense of purpose. She opens up about the lessons she learned and the inner work that continues long after leaving.
This conversation is both raw and hopeful. It reminds us that while trauma may leave its mark, it can also be a catalyst for growth, self-trust, and empowerment. Tess’s message is clear: if something feels wrong, it probably is, and you always have the power to change your path.
For anyone who has experienced a difficult relationship, or for those who want to better understand and support someone they love, this episode offers validation, compassion, and the reminder that healing is always possible.
Tune in now, and share this episode with someone who might need to hear these words today.
To follow our journey:
Instagram @aheadhair_
@the_conscious_salon
This episode of the Conscious Salon podcast is proudly brought to you by Revlon Professional Australia.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the Conscious Salon podcast, tess. Today we're just going to get straight into it. Today we are going to talk through something that I feel needs to be spoken about, and we spoke about this during the week and we said you need to share your story and we said, you need to share your story, and I think it's one of the biggest.
Speaker 2:one of the most amazing things about you is how much you advocate for women and you are quite outspoken in the way that you advocate for women, and our community loves that about you, because a lot of the time it strikes a chord in women who don't feel confident to speak up for themselves. But there is a reason that you are this way and I want to invite you to speak about this because I think it's going to resonate with a lot of women. Well, thank you.
Speaker 1:Nikki, definitely the first time I felt nervous before we start. But yes, I do want to talk about why I am so passionate about women taking up the space, and I think this comes back to the fact that I keep very hidden, or I play down, a very dangerous relationship that I was in prior to my partner now with Nick. With Nick and this is something that I have it was a real pivotal moment in my life of creating change and being part of change and really getting a lot of change, but also something that I've had a lot of like shame, a lot of trauma, a lot of yeah, I really do keep quite hidden. I'm so sorry I'm gonna cough. I do keep this quite hidden, um, because I think it's. I don't really feel comfortable labeling it as abusive, but I would say it was a dangerous relationship from an outsider, I would say it would fall under the category of abuse certainly, yeah, hard to.
Speaker 1:I think even as uh, and I think this is the thing. I often get labeled, as you know, like a um, someone that hates men, and I'm. That's not something that's possible because I'm in a partnership with a male, I have a son, I have a nephew, I have incredible men around me, I have incredible friends that are men. So that that's not part of that's not something I identify with. But there is a reason that I have had a lot of, I would say, like, uncertainty or feelings of not being safe with men and, yeah, I'm not going to talk. I don't want to talk too much about that person that I was with, because I feel like I don't even want to give him the airtime, but I was in a dynamic that was very dangerous, abusive yeah, it probably was abusive. It was very manipulative. It was very this person when I met him at a time that was really vulnerable. So this is I met him, I think, not even a year after my best friend, al, had passed away from bowel cancer at 27. I was very depressed, I was very sad when I met him and I feel like he.
Speaker 1:There's a TV show, which is also a true one. It was originally a podcast called Dirty John. You remember that one? It's on Netflix and it's pretty much about how this guy comes along and he like meets this woman and like sweeps her off her feet and seems like too good to be true, but everything moves really really fast and then it turns out that he's like kind of a bad guy and that's effectively what happened to me. Or the Tinder swindled.
Speaker 1:So when I met um, my ex, uh yeah, I was really sad and really lonely and I fully he knew a lot about, he wanted to know a lot about me, and so he learned a lot about um Al and used a large amount of like, my sadness around the death of my best friend to be able to, I would honestly say, manipulate me into thinking that I truly believe that she had like sent him to me. So I really held on to a relationship that was very detrimental to me, to my family, to my business. So, yeah, within three weeks of meeting him, he'd convinced me to let him move in to my business. Uh, so yeah, within three weeks of meeting him, he'd convinced me to let him move in um to my home, which was obviously mind-blowing now hearing that um, but that was where I was at at that time.
Speaker 2:I want to say, though, at the time, because of the way and this is why it's so important to address it for what it is, just because we as a society think of abuse as you need to physically see someone being abused yeah, abuse can be, manipulation it can be verbal. It can be emotional, psychological it can be coercion, it can be financial yeah, so many different versions of abuse and I think it's really important for us to stick with addressing it for what it is, and from the outside.
Speaker 2:I'm quite a logical person and I'm quite black and white and it also takes me a long time to trust someone. This situation a lot of the time, people may hear this story and think how could you be in a situation where you would let someone move in after three weeks, when you're in that and that person is working hard to convince you that this is working hard to convince you that this is the best option for you? It's very, very hard to recognise it when you're in it 100%.
Speaker 2:So this person did absolutely convince you to move in after three weeks and it did feel like a logical thing because of the way that they….
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was manipulated or presented to me and I think it was very coercive, this dynamic, and there was a lot of like heavy, um, yeah, manipulation going on. And then there was things of like things I like turned blind eyes to, like he stole money from me, he stole money from our business, he um yeah, it was like the definition. I had so many red flags like slapping me in the face every time and even now I felt as part of me that's still trying to lessen. What has happened in this, like me calling it dangerous rather than abusive, like yeah, you're right, it is. I need to call it what it is. And even saying that like I've been in an abusive relationship does not, um, that's the first time I've said it out loud out, which feels oddly kind of calming.
Speaker 2:I think it's such a massive part of what your mission is to help women yeah, I think this comes up as well with clients of ours that are in situations similar to this in various ways, and what you have been through has been able to get you to a point where you can help these women so much more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think it does come from lived experience. And even with this, this is currently playing out for my. One of my closest friends is going through this currently with her husband of 15 years, like 15 years together and this is playing out started with financial control, but it's fast escalating intoating into you know who knows what, and you know this thing and I'm not going to speak on her story because that's hers, but this can happen at any point to anyone and it's not. I'm not unique, I'm not a one-off and nourished like. This happens all the time.
Speaker 1:And I think where things really changed me and I know, you know I've spoken about this before on the podcast but when there's the manipulation and the coercion and the the genuine like, questioning of, like what is and isn't a good situational dynamic to be in, when that is starting to present itself and I know you know we had many conversations about you know this person is not a good person for you. It didn't matter. It's like when someone tells you to quit smoking and like you can hear it and you can. Oh no, I know, yeah, I know he's like, yeah, I can see, but you know I still like it, or like whatever, or like you know he's better this week, or you know I'm and sorry, I feel like I'm like starting to stutter and get a bit weird. I'm not listening to. Like get back in the game. There. You can keep rationalising and making excuses and like trying to believe the good or that someone has the potential, but the reality of it.
Speaker 1:Now, where I am with black and white, either people will or won't, and like the in-between of that is not your responsibility, like it's completely up to the individual to either do the work or change, or however that is in this situation that I was in. That was never going to change. It was always going to continue playing out. What changed was that I changed. I woke up. I started realizing, oh, this is fucking ridiculous. Like what are you actually doing with this person? Like it is dangerous, it is shrinking you down, it is completely toxic. It is like unhinged and you kept saying to me how concerned you were for my welfare, like the fact that you were almost anticipating that I would become one of the stats, which is I ask.
Speaker 2:I'm sensitive to the fact that I know you don't want to give this person any airtime, but I want to ask you what were the signs that you saw that now you look back on and you go, oh my gosh, I can't believe that, I didn't see that. But what sort of behaviours were playing out for you in this dynamic? I think people would be surprised to see that version of you as well 100%.
Speaker 1:I'm surprised, like I'm surprised that that happened. I think your body always tells you I remember like gut reactions of like no, this person, this is not the person, this is not the person, and I know we've spoken about this a lot, but my body was telling me constantly, like no, and I would ignore it. I would choose to ignore it because I'd believe I had a genuine belief in a connection between the loss of my best friend and meeting this person, and that that was her like sending him to me because I was so sad and so lonely. So there was also a connection there that is completely created within myself from the manipulation where I felt like, if I was letting that go, I was like being disrespectful towards her. So it was very layered. When I think about what I knew in my gut, I wasn't proud of this person. I wasn't, um, like, I didn't feel the way that I feel with Mick, where I'm like, so, um, like in awe of him, and that I look at him and I want to be better and do better. I constantly was waiting for this person to just like, just be somewhat of a like, decent human being, like, stop being this version that you keep presenting out. I would make excuses for him constantly, I would cover for him. I would constantly try and like, lessen and soften and like I think those are the real, like red flags that would pop up, big things of what I could actually identify that are red flags.
Speaker 1:He did not have anyone around him so he was separated from everyone. He was not close to his. I never met any of his family members. I only met them when I was throwing him out. That was the only time that like not sorry, not one person. I did not meet one person. I didn't meet a friend, I didn't meet a family member. I, this person, was completely on their own and always telling me how everyone else had burnt him. It was not his doing, it was everyone else's doing, that they haven't been there and I believed it. I completely fell for it. There was a lot of stories as to why he was in such hard times, even with how he got into my house. It was because, you know, the situation that he was in wasn't going to work and it was only going to be temporary.
Speaker 2:It was only going to be for three weeks, and 18 months later was when I threw him out the door can I invite you to talk about that story as much or as little as you want to, but for me, as your sister looking from the outside in, it's such a pivotal moment, yeah, and such a huge part of your journey yeah, so it was actually my 30th birthday, like literally the day I turned 30, and when I woke up that morning, he had gone MIA, which wasn't unusual.
Speaker 1:He would do that quite a bit. Um, however, it was a really like pivotal time because he had yeah, it was. It was a moment where he was like meant to be coming to. Like I didn't have a big 30th birthday, I had a dinner with, like my closest friends and, no, I think it was just the family, wasn't it?
Speaker 1:It was just the family and it was a big deal because he had, I think, stolen from our business a couple of weeks before. There had been a big showdown, it had not ended well, police were involved and yeah, it was scary, it was really scary. So my 30th was meant to be his like, um, I guess, like coming back and like owning what he's done and apologizing and facing it, which, again, like that's fucked up anyway, it was the first time we'd broken bread as a family after that incident, and it was really important anyway.
Speaker 1:So he obviously, you know, run away, um, and so I'd spent the day trying to find him. So my 30th birthday I'm driving around trying to find him and I remember being so embarrassed and ashamed and like just thinking this is nuts. Like you're turning 30 today, like people are celebrating you and you're like in a car trying to find this fucking loser. And for what? Like because I wanted to, like I can't face going to this event by myself, and I kept driving and kept driving and I kept delaying, kept delaying, and I knew how you felt about him and you were very much like this guy's an absolute low-life loser. And so I didn't tell anyone that I like literally spent my 30th birthday driving for hours and trying to call and find where he was, and I was so like nervous because he threatened so many times that if I left him that he would harm himself. So I felt this unbelievable fucking pressure. It was just so much to be holding and I just thought this is so wild that I'm like, what am I doing? But not enough where, I think, because I was so concerned that he would harm himself that I didn't push too hard. Anyway, eventually I had run out of time and I had to go to the dinner myself and I don't even think I like wore anything nice. I don't think I came in. I think I like literally called mum on the way and I said to her hi, like I'm on my way, I don't know where he is and I just don't want to talk about it. Like I just want to come and just like feel safe and feel like I just need to like have someone like loving me today, because I just feel, you know, really like alone. And I remember she was like I we've got, I've got you, it's all okay. Like come, come, it's all gonna be okay.
Speaker 1:And I went in. I was so embarrassed I just remember just like crying because I was so embarrassed that I was turning up and I felt humiliated and just anyway, and we had the dinner and everyone there from the right place was saying you know this, this is so under you and like you come on. And I and I get it because I do that, I'm like you know, come on. I was wanting to do that for myself, but I had such a deep fear that you know what, if, like I felt responsible for this person, I felt like you know, it was so layered and and I wanted to get out but I just couldn't. And there were other aspects he had children and like I was concerned about how that was going to play out, I was I'd gotten them back in his life and I I felt a responsibility, like it was just a fucking heavy burden.
Speaker 1:I remember leaving the dinner and I'd gotten a lot of opinions that night and, you know, no real clarity and no real answers. And I went back home and I walked in the door and he was fast asleep with a book over his face and I just thought this motherfucker is that relaxed that he's reading a book to the point where he's fallen asleep. Like you're pretty fucking comfortable if you're reading and falling asleep. And I flipped the switch and I was just like, oh, this ends now, in this moment, like in this moment, at quarter to one in the morning, this is ending. And I turned on the light and he woke up with a start and said oh, how was your night? I said not good, but it's about to get better, get up, you're out. And he was oh, no, no, like you know, we'll talk in the morning, we'll talk.
Speaker 1:Manipulation started, but it was so set and done. There was no turning back. And so I continued and I said you are like out, you have five minutes. If you are not out, I'm calling the police. And he knew I wasn't fucking around with the police, like the police had already been. They knew who we were, which, again, that's like humiliating to say. But yes, that was I was. It was known. He had a file there, um, and then it moved very quickly. I did call the police. They were there within a couple of minutes and everything changed from that moment. The police got him out of there.
Speaker 1:The police officer that was there had been there two weeks prior when he'd had this massive episode, and said to me, which changed everything. I don't know if you remember. I was here two weeks ago. I know what men like this are capable of. This is escalating. You need to do whatever you need to do to get this man away from you. And it changed. It was so sobering. I remember hearing that and just thinking like, oh, he's not fucking around, he's not saying like maybe blah, blah, blah. It was. This is escalating. You need to do what you need to do right now. And I did. I changed the locks, never spoke, saw, had any communication with him ever again.
Speaker 1:That's seven years ago now, so it's a we've had a lot of time passed, but that trauma still lives in me because when I see this playing out and I'm currently witnessing this is one of my like sisters that doesn't leave. Because she asked me the other day, like when does this feeling go away? It doesn't. It gets easier and you can feel safer and calmer. And I felt I truly felt safe again when I moved, when we moved into our home, because there's no way of ever knowing where I am, and not that he's even looking. He's moved on to other people and other situations and it has escalated and people have gotten hurt and he has been in jail and that's really fucking sobering and that's also. There's a lot of guilt and heaviness that comes from that. But that feeling, even with what I'm, having come up now with witnessing this with my girlfriend, that's still there. It just shifts. It shifts but it's still that activation is still there and this is where I push for for women especially to have their. If you were resonating with this and you were hearing this and you have that activation, like you know what I'm talking about. And if you're questioning. If this is potentially it, then it probably is.
Speaker 1:And why I push for women to want so much more is because I know how different it can look.
Speaker 1:I don't want there to be more stats of this.
Speaker 1:I want things to start changing and for there to be actual change, not like bits of it, and I think this is why it has so much meaning behind, because I am part of the stats, but I'm one of the luckier ones. I see that and I recognise that and something good has to come from that. So it's not about hating on men or anything. I'm evidence that I'm not those things or anything like I'm. You know, I'm evidence that I'm not those things. But I'm also evidence for women to fucking listen to that God and to like take up the space and do what they need to do to get them so, and like stand tall and and not settle or not feel like there's not other options, because there is. And to not be part of the statistics but I mean the fact that those statistics are even there is like fucked. But that is why I am so passionate about women really taking up for themselves, because there's a lot of pain behind it why has it taken you so long to share this side of you?
Speaker 1:It was like still a huge amount, like there is a huge amount of shame and like I know or I know because you hear, I've heard it from therapists, I've heard it from everyone saying you know, it was just the timing of it. Like you know, I was vulnerable, I was, I get it, I know, I know all those things, but there is still a huge shame around it. You do still feel stupid. You feel like you have, you know, created this, or like you can't not feel like that. It is the way that you feel when you're in those moments. You think it's not a victim thing, it's a thing of like you question everything. You question what was real, what wasn't? I, the whole relationship is not real. Like I don't, I don't feel anything about this person anymore, and that can sound really harsh, but I don't. This person didn't exist. This person was just a figure that he created in that moment and then he changed it to the next person, to the next one, to the next one, and that's okay. Like that doesn't. That's not painful for me, but for other people who fall deeply and hardly and like the mother of his children may not feel like that, like she still has a compassion towards him?
Speaker 1:I do not, and I think with that, when you've had that shame and that feeling and that trauma, there's a part of you that wants to keep it really private. It's fucking big any trauma that you share. There's parts of you that wants to keep it really private. It's fucking big any trauma that you share. There's parts of you that want to keep that hidden and secret and private because you don't want to, whether it's you don't want to be seen differently, or whether you don't want to have people's sympathies or you don't want to have um conversations, whatever it is. There's a reason that we keep it sacred and and quiet. And look, I'm still uncomfortable with it, like I'm still sitting here and you know trying to catch my breath and slow things down, or even you know making it smaller, because there is a huge discomfort with acknowledging that I have been in an abusive relationship and it was. I'm one of the luckier ones.
Speaker 2:Tess, before we wrap this episode, I want to ask you to speak directly to women who are in this situation or, if you feel more comfortable to speak to yourself, that version of you that was in this situation what would you say to her? Um?
Speaker 1:this is gonna sound a bit um I don't mean it to sound insensitive to what I'm really grateful. I went through that because I I know that I wouldn't be who I am now or show up the way that I do or advocate the way that I do, or even have the partner that I have, the children that I have, the life that I have. I'm really really grateful for it. It doesn't mean that I'm grateful for the experience, but I learnt so much from it when I think back to that version of me so I wouldn't change it. But I think, if I think of women in that situation who potentially don't know how to change it, I knew. I think I deep down, I knew in one way, shape and or another, because I used to say I didn't want to have kids. I used to say that I didn't want to do all these things. It was all bullshit. I didn't want to do that with him and I didn't know how to get out of that dynamic. But I know in my gut I knew one day I was walking away from that situation. It was a matter of timing as to when that was going to be.
Speaker 1:I think if this is hitting people that potentially need to hear this. You will know when that moment comes and I think it is so important to have. If you have these thoughts coming up and you are questioning the person that you are with in any way if this is a friend, a relationship, it doesn't matter who it is man, woman, in like, it does not matter who it is. If you have people that are presenting to you and your body is talking to you and letting you know this doesn't feel quite right, or you're ignoring things you shouldn't, or you're making excuses, or you're feeling that shame or that pull or that shut down. Stop ignoring it and really start exploring why.
Speaker 1:Why am I questioning this so much? Why is this actually bringing up so much? For me? Because if you start getting curious with it, you're probably going to find out a lot quicker and, in terms of it, when it becomes a safety issue, it's a lot easier to remove yourself than in a dynamic like where I was. That could have gone very badly, very fast and, as I said, I was one of the luckier ones. So I think with it, like, just trust your gut, it tells you, it it tells you and don't think that this is as good as it's going to get, or like I'm stuck with this. Now you can change whatever you want at any point.
Speaker 2:Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate you doing this. We've had this podcast for three years and you have never told that story and it really dawned on me last week when I was like this is such a massive part of who you are, what you advocate for, what you value, what you stand for, and people need to hear why you are that way and how much it hits you. You will be helping so many women talking about this. I know it's not easy, but you will be helping so many women. There will be women listening to this, realizing that they are in that dynamic, or feeling safer hearing your words, knowing that there's a better life on the other side of this. So thank you for sharing. Thank you, it's a really important conversation. I'm really grateful that we had it.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. I really appreciate you saying that because it can fit. It's a big thing, I do want to say, for anyone that is in this situation, especially if, like I also know that, like it's not as easy as just like you just call the police and get out. Like that is a privilege that I had, that is not for everyone's situation, but I do think it is really important to like make sure you have solid support around you, however that looks, and just have your people there to like you know it's not a matter of like you will know when it's the right time.
Speaker 2:But yeah, thank you so much. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you, guys so much for listening to another episode.
