God’s Plan vs. Yours: Guess Who Wins Every Time?

"God is funny. Ask the creator to show you who he really is, and he'll give you a mirror. If you don't like the reflection, then change the reality. " In this episode, we touch on me trying to Outsmart God. And as a medium and a reader, we see that me trying to use my gifts to get ahead only introduced me to myself. Now I mean God speaks, but it doesn’t sound like an old man wise man. He/She sounds and looks exactly like you. So you tell me, who outsmarted who? Listen and find out!

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Transcript

Hey everyone, This is your host, Kennede Drew, and welcome to the Ew People Podcast, a show that takes a deeper dive into spirituality, mental health, adulthood, and self-growth. This audio series will provide a safe space for your inner introvert without any judgment. So pop on those headphones and let's head over to Introvert Avenue because we love it there. 

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first episode of the Ew People Podcast. This is your host, Ken, and this episode is going to talk about me trying to outsmart God and have failed attempts in doing so I first want to preface this and say that I know how ridiculous this sounds, but it will all make sense in the end, so just stick with me. 

So let's get started. So after I graduated college in 2020 I was very dissatisfied, by the way my life looked. No offense to God in any way, but I was confused, because I realized that life really didn't have a curriculum. Even after you graduate college, there's still no road map. There's no set schedule of day-to-day tasks that you have to overcome. There's no credits calculator to tell you that what you're partaking in, rather it be passions, business startups or even relationships, actually adding up to your purpose. Yes, there are requirements that you have to meet in life in order to get to the next level of learning, but there is still no blueprint in physical form. 

Rather than, you know, certificates, plaques, fancy jobs or even degrees, there's no one to tell you if you're on the right track or not. There's no one to tell you except your own intuition or trial and error. But being an analytical and practical person as yourself, you'll try to minimize the risk in failing. And how do you do this? You might ask you go to a lot of readers trying to outsmart God and see what the next months of ahead look like for you, because if you only see just a glimpse of anything, you could then go and try to fail proof everything. Um, just a little side note. I  am a reader as well, so that's why I go get readings. But back to the story, but the jokes is on you, because energy changes, and once you started studying spirituality and becoming one with your spiritual gifts, you realize that new phases in your life equates new lessons, new relationships and new energy shifts. 

So now those readings that you once took solace in changes. Every time you change, God is very clever, because he just inadvertently shows you that the only constant and reliable being who is even capable of understanding what you want and need is you. But then the joke still carries on, because for your entire life, you never knew what you liked, your hobbies, passions, nothing. So you have no idea what your intuition sounds like, because people always told you what you should do. So God sends people, relationships, jobs and situationships and goals that are no longer in agreement with you. So you don't like specific jobs. You hate hanging around people who choose to misunderstand you. Relationships never could quite give you the emotional capacity or intelligence back and the situation ships that you once entertained because you were bored, literally are for the birds, but you realize that the feeling of the disagreement was part of the intuition. I think my dilemma was trial and error, because with trial and error, time and effort goes down the drain right time you can never get back, and effort kind of slowly dissipates after every passionate, quote, unquote unsuccessful venture. 

I know I sound very pessimistic, but what happens when you pursue your childhood dreams of getting into medical school or law school even? But on the first day of the job, you realize that you want nothing to do with the goals that you set up for yourself, or even what your idea of success looked like when you were younger. Now maybe it's just me, but no one ever tells you about this part of life, because we always have been taught to either stick it out or it will get better over time, as if our happiness has to be compliant with our outdated choices. So in my mind, I can go to a reader and ask them, Hey, am I going to be successful in this career field? And they tell me, Well, I don't see you going in this direction, and I don't see it being a good fit for you. I see that you are not going to be fulfilled. But. This job field, and you're going to most likely leave within the three months of being there, which sounds like me. 

So in my mind, I just say three months of confusion, time and effort, while also maintaining this egotistical need for control throughout my entire Well, every aspect of life, like my entire life, I blame it on my Capricorn moon so and throughout my control, I realized, if I don't ask questions and if it doesn't make sense, then there is no need to investigate or invest any further. So on the other hand, being this hyper-analytical person for your entire life, you'll start to question everything. So you can imagine the questions that I had about God, like, why would God create a being such as myself to interrogate him so often? Why would he inflict that type of annoyance on himself? Well, he must be loving to allow me this space to see all that he is right, or am I just a version of him that seeks to understand Him for who He really is? 

If God is everything, then that must mean he's both light and dark, because darkness came first, which means he could be both good and bad if he's everything, because if man is made in His image, then people of ill intent start to make sense, right? Why isn't there a feminine version of him? If he's a multi-dimensional being, then why is the first gender that we assigned to him is a masculine one? If everything that is created in the earth was birthed from a feminine energy. So you can see, I have a lot of questions that definitely need answers. Also in this state of questioning, I either find myself in two states of being, and that is in solitude and in moments of self-awareness. Because in order to consult with God, you have to go within which, in a practical view, makes sense. Because if I'm in the image and likeness of God, then I have to have in some aspect of God within me, right? So being a child with spiritual gifts, though, I think I was always in conversation with God, solitude was never foreign to me, because I will always be in a state of disassociation, like my body would be present, but my mind and spirit will be elsewhere, like anyone who knows me knows that I am in my own little world majority of the time, and I would daydream and disassociate so heavily and be so heavily involved in that either vision or Daydream that I will almost Have to be nudged back into existence.

So, I mean, no, I know it sounds pretty harsh, but it was necessary, especially, you know, if you're in elementary school, you got to take the CRCT, right? Well, not elementary school, middle school, high school, you know, but in that state of disassociation, God will always speak to me, but he didn't speak to me an old man voice or anything, he didn't present himself in any other form, other than myself, which kind of baffled me, like I will always see myself in third person, but I will always see myself talking in front of a camera or microphone, and everything that came out of my mouth was the advice that I needed or answers that I was looking for at the time, and it was always in a conversation, kind of like a podcast format, but it was only for my ears and experience at the time. And since I was always in that state of disassociation, it kind of became like me and God's unofficial slash official meeting area on the other half of that duality that my disassociation also manifests in the form of self-soothing, right? Since I was already in a state of getting answers that I needed, my ego would then step in, and I would become a primary problem solver for myself, which I'm pretty sure most of us can agree with, having to be our own problem solver.

 It's just that for me, I experienced a lot of, you know, disappointment from people in my life, simply because I was always expecting myself out of everyone. So I just assumed that people had the same temperament as me, empathy and compassion, which is really the case, because everyone grew up differently. So altogether, I just kind of exed out everyone. I was just like, I'll handle it myself, you know, I'm not going to burden anybody with my, you know, problems, you know, negative self-talk, which is not really healthy, because I did that merely out of survival. And the thing that I want you to realize is that the ego steps in as a form of protection for ourselves, right? So let's think of it like this, instead of me creating a fence to set a boundary and protect myself, all while being able to look over and through the fence to see if the next person coming into my life and having that discernment, you know,

I can still. Gage to see if I still want to be involved in that person's life, right? I just built a big old brick wall and canceled everybody else out. Because if I can, my mindset at the time was, if I can't expect me out of the people around me, then it's like, why are y'all around but I want you to stick with me. Because in my frame of mind at the time, I was like, if I was if I wasn't brought up to have this level of empathy, compassion, um, emotional depth. I didn't have the resources to do all of this, right? I just sought out to do better for myself because I wanted to. Then I kind of looked at the people around me and I was like, But why can I expect that out of you? Right? It should be a given which is not. And then that's when, you know, God stepped in and showed me that all the times that I would show this externally, like the compassion and everything, I would never really give that to myself in all of those aspects, I just gave it to everyone else. So in turn, everything that I was lacking inside of me because I didn't give it to myself, I attracted it on the outside. So the people who were, you know, rude, empathetic, you know, quick to demean something or someone, were all reflections of how I never gave those to myself, and they were now the physical embodiments of what I needed to work on. So my self-soothing started off when I was a child, I was always unconsciously taught that my emotions or problems were either insignificant or minuscule, because there were always bigger things in the world to worry about or that needed more concern. 

When I say unconsciously like I mean whenever I would go to open my mouth to express somewhat of an emotional response, right, there would always be an immediate dismissal, or there would be no room for it, right? So it was the rolling of the eyes, you know, the heavy sigh, or just side comment that we made. It was kind of like a, you know, here we go again, right? So then at that point, I'm just like, I'm trying to defend myself, right? And be like, This is why my emotions are important and everything. And I think I got to a point where I just stopped talking, right, and I just held everything in. But let's look on the bright side of it. On the bright side, it did make me self-sufficient, but on the other half of that, on the other side of that coin, it made me hyper-independent, which is not ideal, right? So in turn, I made myself solely responsible for my emotions. So when I left them, I mean, I'm sorry, when I felt them, when I felt them, I dressed them in a masculine sense and externally removed myself, right? 

Which, in other words, it just means that I try to deal with my emotions as little as possible, but I search for what the root cause of it was while I was away from everybody, right? Because if I'm away, I don't have to defend myself, A, B, I don't have to explain. C, I don't have to be criticized by the way I feel I was gonna say 4b. I don't have to be given a time limit of how long I should, you know, feel how I feel, right? Everyone who I grew up around went through similar life experiences as me, so they felt like it was within their jurisdiction to tell me how I should feel. So then I would unconsciously do the same thing for myself, right? So I would give myself a time period to get over something that would, you know, and that would be it like three days, which is not, it's not realistic, but I would always revisit the same topic at a at a later time. So if there were any triggers, or if I was daydreaming, I would constantly like replace scenarios of in try to implement the things of what I could have done, but it really wasn't beneficial at all. Or, um, or I would just like, lash out sometimes, you know, from all the built-up anger and stuff, but I realized the problem never really went away until I, like, fully addressed it and gave myself all the time that I needed to process it, which kind of it not it kind of made me mad, because I never knew what The End Date of it was like it was no end date. But then I tried to give myself the space to do so, but then I hit another dilemma, because I realized that I never really knew how to give myself space and the capacity to do that. 

So the confusion is kind of like going into a grocery store without a list, and you just wandering aimlessly through the house and having no sense of direction or even to go buy a car, right? But you have no clue what your non-negotiables are, or even the making model that you want. You just know that you want a car, and in this instant, my car was emotional literacy. So. So in my journey of self-discovery, the first thing that I had to master was emotional literacy. Then my next step was emotional intelligence. I had to learn that I had to articulate my emotions, because if I didn't, I had no way of defending myself or even explaining myself. So I did that by watching documentaries self improvement. I had to learn how to articulate my emotions, because if I didn't, I had no way of defending myself or explaining myself. So I did that by watching documentaries on self-improvement as well as podcasts reading books, and I all realized that they had a format. 

So the format was all about narrowing down a feeling to a definite root cause. So I'll give you an example. If you had any emotional intimacy phobia, people would usually say that, you know, I'm starting to catch feelings for this person. So I'm gonna go stem right? And then it goes, Why did you go to them? Person says, because I didn't want them to get too close. And the other person says, Well, what happens when you usually let people in too close to you? Right? Person says, they either leave or they hurt me. Then it's first acknowledging that pattern. And then, when did you start seeing that pattern during childhood, right? And then you will take all of those responses, and then you just compile into a complete sentence, right? So I'm feeling this way because it puts me back into a state of when I was a child around this age, and I always got this response out of it. I never understood why. I never felt like I did anything wrong, and this was always the response that I got. 

So this is why I respond the way that I do, right? I would definitely say that emotional literacy and intelligence are definitely non-negotiables in relationships, right, whether it be for friendships or just romantic, because think about it, who would want to be in a relationship with somebody who is you have to essentially teach how to communicate, like, if you need some time to yourself to reflect back on some things that happened, you know, just say that things could be so simple. But then again, you do have to double back, because it is two sides to a coin, right? You have to double back and see if the person that you're dealing with ever had the space to say how they felt without any retaliation. Did they feel safe with you? Do you encourage them to speak up? So you know, it's a lot more tied to it. But also in my solitude, I've learned so many things that we're going to talk about in the upcoming episodes, like trusting your inside job, boundaries, relationships and how they are a reflection of us. So I don't want to give you guys any more spoilers, but I definitely want to encourage conversations with yourselves and even others, even after the podcast ends.

 So thank you guys. 

That's it for this episode, and I'll See you on the next one.