You Know Absolutely Nothing About Love! Here's Why..

You know absolutely nothing about love. Let me tell you why! In this episode, we are going to be discussing:

1. Describing some of the reasons that “our versions” of love don’t work.
2. What I learned...
3. How our examples of love are presented to us.
4. Advice for love/ making it last.
5. Are you manipulative in the name of love?

Remember! Life is like the card game uno, everyone is doing their best to play a bad hand well!


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Transcript

Hey everyone, this is your host. Kennedy Drew and welcome to the Ew people podcast, a show that takes a deeper dive into spirituality, mental health, adulthood and self-growth. This audio series will provide a safe space for your inner introvert without any judgment. So pop on those headphones and let's head over to Introvert Avenue, because we love it there.

Welcome back to another episode of the Ew People podcast. My name is Kennede Drew as you know, and I am your host. I hope you all have been doing well, um, in this new year, and I hope that it's been treating you well. My life has been insane. Life has been insane. Um, just to catch y'all up on like, what's been going on? Uh, I moved into a new apartment. Uh, one-bedroom apartment. Very cute, very nice, very demure.

Nice neighborhood. No nosy neighbors, very cutesy, very

quiet. Okay, so, um, also, I've been going to therapy this year too. Congrats for me, and I'm gonna definitely take some of the advice that my therapies give, and then we're gonna make some episodes on that as well. And I think I'm going to change the way that I have that I do the episodes, because in order for me to give you guys an episode, I will have to write like at least seven pages just to get at least 14 minutes of content. And I think that's why I've been viewing this as an obligation rather than my fulfillment, because it really is my fulfillment. Like I would love to do this like all day, every day, but I just been formatting it to where I'm thinking, like everything has to be perfect. 

So I hope you guys, um, by the title of this episode, I hope you guys know that it's going to be talking about love. The other love episode did really, really well, and that's going up against the how to get out of survival mode episode that that was on tick tock as well. Y'all really like me talking about love. So that's what I'm going to give you guys and you, I'm going to prove to you that you know absolutely nothing about love. All right. So here we go, this episode. I'm going to describe some of the reasons that our versions of love doesn't work right, as well as what I've learned, how our examples of love are presented to us, and lastly, how you might be manipulative in the name of love. So if you got like, any questions like, Oh, does he like me or do does he or she like me or whatever, by the end of this episode, you should know. So there we go. 

So I have been studying all of my relationships and all of my friendships, including the ones that I have seen growing up, and I have came up with a couple of reasons of why our relationships with people that we love don't work majority of the time. So here's some of the reasons. Number one is majority of the reasons that I've seen or experienced were uncommunicated and unmet expectations, expectations on getting love shown or reciprocated in the way that you have given it, specifically from people that you know cannot or choose not to reciprocate that Love in the same way unprocessed emotions from previous relationships, whether it be from family members or previous failed relationships, unconsciously recreating emotional cycles that you could have learned growing up. 

Um, in for an example, would be unrequited love, which is basically means that one person is giving and the other person is not, or emotional abuse, overextending boundaries to make the other person more comfortable, and then all that over-extension turning into resentment. And lastly, the last reason is having expectations out of people, rather than standards. And this is what I learned in therapy, y'all because expectations are inherently designed to make someone else pick up where someone else has let you down or failed you in some way. And I haven't put this in the script, though, but to give a good example, let's just say for me, like, because it really is, uh, protection is really big for me. Well, it used to be very big for me. Well, it still kind of is, um, and whenever I would date, I will always have the expectation of the person like, oh, he better be doing this. Um, why they both so? Blah. He or She better be like, ready to fight if somebody, like, messes with me or something like that, because I'm coming for the you know, say, for instance, if it was me on the other end and somebody else was provoking the person that I love and stuff like that, I'm going to be charging at him, because I value protection so much. 

And at the same time, since we said, um, expectations are inherently like, making somewhere else meet, where somebody else left off initially, when I was growing up, I really didn't feel protected at all. And a lot of things happened to me in regards to men. And I'm not really going to get into it, but I will always put that expectation on other men that I date that were interested in me because I'm like, You better fight for me. Like, if somebody tries me on the street dog, you better fight like, I really don't like somebody being passive about me, or passive about my protection, because, again, somebody let me down in that way, or failed me in that way, and I'm expecting somebody else to pick it up. So hopefully y'all understand what that example so with these reasons, I have created some solutions for these issues that I keep seeing come up, but I really want to address the significance of these issues so that the patterns don't repeat for any of us. But here is the bulk of what I learned. Love is not as cookie cutter or simple as you think.

 It is not the red roses. Is not the straight up paltry or candlelight or dates or nice words of affirmation, or even, you know, just straight up raw affection, love is essentially comprehension and meeting in the middle. And when I say meeting in the middle, I mean, here's your journey, here's my journey. Let's decide to do both of our journeys together, side by side. I make myself laugh. I'm sorry, side by side, meaning we are two separate individuals that agree to do life together in this period of time, in the midst of traumas, deficiencies or seasons in a person's life, in addition to their capacity for love, it is essentially an agreement of patience and a choice to choose the other person, regardless of possible inconveniences. And love to me, is a comprehension of something or someone, and the letting go of the urge to try to change the conditions of what that thing or person is. And so to give you an example what I mean by comprehension. So like someone who really loves roses, right? And they come across this rare one, that person knows that in order to love that rose properly, they have to allow it to be in the circumstances that it thrives in, rather than it, rather than that person cutting it and bringing home in the Rose dying like a week later. 

Some people even try to do this with like rare or exotic birds or even like beautiful women and like being used as a trophy or being of service to another person, you know, rather than being supported in the environment that would be beneficial to that other person, because it is what it sounds, really one sided, you know, it that's not really good. It's not really um, embodying, like the comprehension of the other person and like studying them and knowing what makes them thrive, you know what makes them glow up? And if you really think about it, how many times have we heard someone say, you know, hey, I love you, but they only mean it within the confines of their own comfort zone. And, you know, and that is understandable, because it's good to have boundaries however. You know to, I mean, I'm gonna say, do not tolerate any BS at all. But if the other person has not accepted themselves fully, and I had to learn this because, yeah, I'm not gonna get into it. But if, but if the other person has not accepted themselves fully. The highest amount of love for them to give you is tolerance. Okay, let's say, let's say somebody is at like, a pint sized love, and you're at a gallon sized love, they're not going to be able to love you at that gallon sized love capacity. Because they're at a pint it doesn't make sense. It it really just doesn't. They don't have the capacity at all. So what that looks like is, usually, y'all are cool, as long as you don't provoke them, challenge them or inconvenience them. And if you do, it's like an it's like the end of the world. And if you do good, you know, on the opposite end. If you do good, then it is their version of love that you receive or that you are rewarded with. 

Or it could be when you do things in the world or or accomplish things, and you go out to be yourself without boundaries, the other person is like, you know, okay, I'm gonna let them be them, but I don't agree with it, you know. And it's like a disdain, a little bit, the best way I can explain it. It's like a disdain, and it's just like an uneasiness, because it's just like, why are you like this so freely, you know? And I say this again because they can't meet you where your excitement is, because they have yet to experience that for themselves. So the one thing that I mentioned earlier, which was like a conditional love basis, meaning if you act outside of what I'm expecting out of you, then you are subject to however I treat you afterward, whether that be provoking disrespect or any type of negative emotion that is used to control the outcome of the other person's actions, kind of like my grace only extends for you, extends to you, where you only provide for me these set of emotions, which is, By definition, not love.

And I'm going into another section of this episode where it says, where we seen our examples of love, and so previously, all of our reasons that I named our majority of the cases that I've seen and I have experienced, and I was able to synthesize and it, you know, it makes sense, some of some of the love that you know, not all of it, but some of the love that I've seen was transactional and and I had to learn it in the last couple of months. But everything that I I was seeing, it was transactional, like I know exactly who I got it from. And it was always like a I could never go somewhere empty handed. I could never do something or meet up with somebody without having an exchange. So I'm like, I feel of value just being there when it shouldn't be like that at all. I felt bad asking for things that I needed, and I felt like I had to earn it later. It's very weird. 

But, you know, people learn things from other places, it either had to be earned or it was a means to an end. And when I say means to an end, I mean that if I acted out of what I thought the other person's expect expectations of me, then I am not in quote, unquote, good behavior, and I could not earn in the regular aspects of relationship. So like, the closeness, and you know, it was, it was an inherent belief for me that I, if I mess up, then the relationship changes, and it would feel like a coldness or a shunning. So that, like, I keep saying, like, sorry, um, it will feel like a coldness or a shunning, so it will serve as a reminder for me to stay on good behavior, so that the relationship will remain unchanged. And since I already had assumed the position of everything being transactional in my behavior being a part of that every partner that I had prior to being able to see that, like it wasn't, it wasn't good, like it was always draining. And I was like, Oh, I just hate the fact that I always have to give up just to prove my my worth in the relationship.

 And that's just it. It's annoying, honestly. So then felt like I had to perform all the time, and it felt like intimacy with other people wasn't a safe space anymore, because I don't feel like performing today. I don't feel like playing the system of rewards and deductions today with myself. And since I had quote, unquote, love is transactional mindset. I felt like people really don't love, really don't love for real, like, unless you have something that stimulates them or validates them, they're not there and and frankly, I don't have the time nor the energy to do either, to do either for anybody. So I'm going to isolate. That was my whole thing. I was like, I'm going to isolate. I'm going to do what I have to do, because I refuse to reform. And it is a skewed way of thinking. Of course, I know that now, and I fixed it. It's just self preservation for me at the moment. Um, honestly, if you really think about it, how many times have you seen a skewed type of love in our lives, our parents lives, our friends lives, and who really shows us how unconditional love is supposed to be shown, besides seeing it in movies or what our parents, our friends showed us that it was and a lot of people really get into a. What they think love is because of their own definition of what love is, and is an example of what has been shown to them. So let's say, for an example, romantic movies is all that we have to look at for love or healthy relationship, and what love is supposed to be. 

Mines used to be like Twilight. I love Twilight. I just love the intensity of Edward, you know. But how many times have we seen a movie where the guy is like, giving the woman roses and kind of like dinners and everything, and we are essentially assuming that's what everybody likes, that's how everybody wants, everybody is supposed to be loved or wants to be loved. And some people really love the feeling of love, what it looks like, the affection, of how it comes in everything. And you know, that's a beautiful thing. But what I'm saying is, is that in order to be loved properly, back in the way that you want it, maybe find someone that you know that has the same capacity that you do and to do that for you, and chooses to do that because everything is a choice, and meet you where you are at. And sometimes there are people who really love love and want it a certain way, and want that love with a specific person, and does not care whether that other person has the capacity to love them back or not, and they think that their love will show them something different than what they are used to, and that they might might like it and change, right? Because, you know, they think that the volume of their love is enough for change in the other person, which, majority of the time only works movies, um, but when that other person gets depleted, it's a whole story of resentment and how the other person is to blame because they weren't reactive to their love in the way that they should be responding. But what they actually needed to happen is that they were supposed to love themselves enough to where they wouldn't put themselves in a predicament to be in an unrequited situation. Because I guarantee you, if you really learn to love yourself, you're going to be literally offended when somebody does not come with the same respect that you approach yourself with. Period. You really have to be patient enough to get to know yourself, look at your capacity and know how you want to be loved. And to also get rid of expectations of anyone and allow people to show up how they are. Which leads me to the next part of the episode, advice and the implementation part.

 So number one, we are going to find out how we want to be loved, and to try to find somebody that loves like you, or knows how to deal with the way that you love, so your love is always recognized and appreciated for how you show up, and this is how you do it. You find out what your values are, right? Like, like a business has values you do too, some of mine, let's say some of mine, for example, our accountability, self awareness, emotional intelligence, emotional temperament. I really had to crash out. To be honest, I hate a man that could crash out on any and everything you know, not very demure, not very classy. And in addition to all those values, I like humility as well, because anybody you know needs to be able to admit when they're wrong. That's just my opinion. 

And yes, you know, God sometimes brings you people that are different from you, so that you can learn different things like Grace and patience and all of that, right? But once you know better, you have to do better, because if you don't, everything that you choose to do on your own accord is really just you just setting up for your own detriment, for real and another life lesson. And I hate life I mean, I, I don't, but life lessons are costly, especially if you have to learn them again when you should have got it, you know, earlier, and you just chose not to, because it's comfortability. In some cases, people really go into relationships knowing that the other person cannot and will not speak their love language, and really to go into the relationship trying to change the other person, which is not love at all, it's actually manipulation. 

Which leads me to number two, there's absolutely no way that you can change another individual going through their own journey because you so called love them or care for them that much. So you being Jane. One is great, but the volume of your love is perfectly designed for yourself and yourself only another person's potential with your implied force or love or care for that other person is not their full potential or genuine potential. Just because you love hard does not mean that the other person is moving or changing on your accord or on your own time, because you believe that they should be able to receive your version of love whenever you give it. And I used to be this person too. When I was younger, I would always think that if I treat this person nice long enough, then eventually, at some point I'm be able to receive you'll be able to receive me in a nice manner. Because I grew up with a system of thinking that love is transactional.

 So in my mind, I'm thinking, Okay, I'm building up all this good debt. You know, eventually I'm a cash in at some point. Which leads me to number three, when you say that you just love too hard, it means that you overextend your own boundaries. Over and over again, I sound like one of those poets, because if you transferred that love to yourself, you would never be able to knowingly put yourself in an unrequited situation, and if anything, you would be highly offended.

 Snaps, okay, so I'm just going, I'm so funny, so I'm just going to give you an example so that you can understand how this sounds. Let's say that I'm a coffee shop, or I have one, and I'm really going to take you guys for a loop with this one, that I'm a coffee shop that only accepts us dollars, and you come in and you really love my coffee shop. You love everything that I have to offer. You like my style, the way that I present my coffee shop to the world, right? So in your admiration, you come every day now you are aware that, out of all of these years prior to you, that my coffee shop only accepts us dollars, and that is how I've been operating. My intent is not to change my currency. And moving forward, I am not changing it at this time. However, I am open to receiving more currencies in the future. Notice that I did not put a date on my coffee shop right, right? So just now, right at this moment, I'm not accepting new currencies. One day you come in with euros after months of you coming. 

I don't really mind, because I don't really mind accepting those euros, because you know you come all the time, you come all the time. You're loyal, you're consistent. So I meet you in the middle. Now, in order for me to be able to access into my financial account, in order to continue business operations later on, after you leave, I have to go out of my way to get them converted, which is kind of a hit and loss on my part. So I set my boundary, and I'm like, Hey, I can't keep accepting this form of currency at this time, because it does not make me feel appreciated for the work that I do at my coffee shop. I tell you that I have to, you know, go out of my way to redeem this type of currency. And you knowingly keep giving me, you know, keep giving it to this coffee shop, the Euros, I mean. And matter of fact, you say, I just love it here so much, but this is all I have, I mean, which is completely understandable, because life is life.

 And right, however, there are modes of transportation that you have not completed on your part, whether that is a credit card you can use that to convert whatever you know, currency, like or getting a US bank account in order for us to continue business. So because you see that you do not have the capacity to continue business with me at this time, you make an offer to give me euros so that it exceeds the fees and to get them accepted on my end, so I would just be getting paid, but you'll be paying more. That makes sense, so I allow you to right, because now you're paying me almost double what you owe me, including the inconvenience of driving and paying the fees and converting it now.

Listen to this. After months of the other person doing all of this, your money is running out, basically, and you're saying, Oh, well, why thought you were going. Gonna accept more currencies in the future. Why aren't you now? I'm just like, dude, what's wrong with you? I told you in the beginning. So now I don't have your business anymore, and now both parties are not mutually benefiting. So now the other person is upset, which is understandable, saying, you know, well, you could have changed it and yada yada yada. But my coffee shop, and my coffee shop that I built about myself, and it was only me, myself, and I said, what was my capacity in the beginning? And that whole time, the other the other person being you knew that there was another coffee shop right across town that accepted euros and you chose not to go. Moral of the story is people have to choose if they want to change, meaning that my coffee shop has to choose whether or not I want to accept different currencies at all times, and I was not ready for that. In addition to listening to the capacity of someone, the capacity that someone already has or is willing to give you, and you to believe them, and for you to not overextend for someone that will not extend, in general for you, okay? 

And I have seen a lot of people separate off the basis of, I'm talking about, like marriages, like separate off the basis of unmet expectations, basically, or what they think genuine love is in their book. So, um, I honestly think that people should find someone that can reciprocate the same amount of love back on a very fairly consistent basis across like all seasons of life, like whether you're happy, you're sad, you're upset, you're struggling, or something like still being able to do that on a consistent basis. And sometimes that's unreasonable, because, you know, life, life's and whatever. And sometimes we can't afford to, you know, love people in that capacity, that's fine. But if there's some level of consistency, if there's some level of the other person wanting to stay in your life and to still want you to be there and still, like, implement you in there, and different percentages, that's a consistent, consistency I'm talking about. And majority of the time. Of course, I say life is going to life, and that the other person that you might need a little bit more support of from time to time, but the trick is to love the other person in their love language, rather than what you think that they want. 

So give an example for the longest like me and my mom have very different love languages. Hers is acts of service, and mines is like words of affirmation. I think is it. Mine is quality time and words of affirmation. And so ours is like, completely different. And so what I started loving her in her love language one time, and she just could not stop talking about it. I remember one time I, like, cleaned up when I was living at the house I was I cleaned up her bedroom for like, the whole day, like, I did the laundry and everything, made every bed, change the sheets, everything. And she would not stop talking about like, she really in like, she really enjoyed it. She appreciated it and everything. And loving somebody and their love language is is really gonna go farther than you know you think, and they'll love you and theirs and yours. My bad, all right, which leads me to number four, and on the topic of love, what I really learned is that the people who have a great sense of self love really go far in life, like being self full, like how Ayala Van Zandt says, um, being so full, in a sense, to where you establish that this is how much I'm going to give.

 I'm not going to put myself in a situation to where I have to overuse my empathy. I understand what you you know you're going through, the other person's going through. And after I have met the threshold of how much I care, not how much I care, but how much I'm going to extend my compassion to you. You know, that's it, because, in reality, people owe you nothing. People really do owe you nothing, and that other person being able to withdraw and prioritize themselves and making sure their needs are met, and if they have to say, you know, no, then that's what it is. It's no really hard feelings or nothing like that. It's like, Hey, this is how much I can help you. I can't really do all this that there, but I'm showing up for you in this way. 

You know what I mean? And soulful people would never put themselves in a predicament or a situation to where their resources will be depleted with their permission, and if it is with their permission, best believe that there is going to be another resource with the same or added quality or quantity. So this, this is not the end of the episode, you guys. Um, just think. Just think of. Like this. Here, there we go. In the card game uno, everyone is doing the best that they can to play a bad hand well. So now that we know how to discern what love looks like, what type of love does your relationships have? Is it conditional or unconditional? All right, and that's, that's the end of our episode, guys. I really appreciate you guys listening this far. I know it's probably like a longer episode than most, but I really appreciate guys sticking with me. We got some more episodes to come. And yeah, if you like this show, go ahead and give it a rating on Apple tunes!