.jpeg)
Poly Pocket Podcast
Poly Pocket Podcast
PPP #068: When is the Right Time to Tell People?
Unpack your running shoes and prime your ears for a wild adventure through sports, love, and life! Join Butcher and myself as we traverse the untamed terrain of football matches, half-marathons, and the riveting world of polyamory. From casual vanilla dates to tackles on the pitch, we're sharing it all – even the moments that had us questioning, "when do we reveal our relationship status in all its non-mainstream glory?"
Ready to delve into the delicate dance between honesty and privacy? We're getting real about our own experiences, discussing how our lifestyle choices can impact dynamics with family, friends, and colleagues. It's a tricky balance, we've discovered, with potential misunderstandings lurking around every corner. Listen in for some enlightening anecdotes and tips on how to steer these tricky conversations with tact and sincerity.
Join us as we explore how we would (or would not) approach telling people about our lifestyle choices.
Movie reference is Flatliners (1990) - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099582/?ref_=ext_shr_lnk
... and in case you missed it, Butchers team won 10-0 🙄
Oh, I see you've put a new spongy bit on the end of my mic.
Speaker 2:It's just the mic, but yeah, you can get your mouth right up close to it.
Speaker 1:Can I how lucky it sounds good.
Speaker 2:Do you feel good? It feels wonderful against my lips. It's rubbing against my beard and tass and it's so seductive, oh, stop, stop. Okay, now that is creepy. Hi, I'm creepy hunter. I'm not your friend. I'm behind you, should we start?
Speaker 1:Please.
Speaker 2:Hello and welcome to the Poly Pocket Podcast, the UK flagship podcast of C&M. Six parties, other things.
Speaker 1:I'm not reading the notes of Polyamorism, that's kind of the whole key concept of this, thank you.
Speaker 2:This is a team effort and thank you for bringing back and also being awesome about football.
Speaker 1:I'm running and half marathons.
Speaker 2:And half marathons. We've had a good day.
Speaker 1:We have.
Speaker 2:We've killed it, do you?
Speaker 1:want to cover that off now.
Speaker 2:We'll do that in a minute.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I'm hunter. I'm your running friend. Creepy hunter has left the room, thank God, I'll see you about later for the extras. Please don't Stay there. I'm joined by Butcher.
Speaker 1:Butcher how are you today? I'm now that I'm through the day having dealt with small people who were intent on giving themselves concussion. Yes, they're, it was advised.
Speaker 2:I don't think you advised it, did you? No, there was no advising.
Speaker 1:I just suddenly found her on the floor, having face planted off a bench in the changing room to the swimming pool. Anyway, her like propensity for self preservation is somewhat lacking, but this is why you have two kids, aaron, it's just, it's just statistics. And now the football match that I've played is done with. I am pretty jubilant. Oh yeah, I'm jubilant too, I thought you were going to ask me what the score was, but yes, go on. No fair point.
Speaker 2:What was the score for those who can count? 10-0. That's pretty awesome. How many goals did you score?
Speaker 1:None, but I'm a defender and I was well up the field because, ultimately, like, what else is there to do when you're winning 10-0?
Speaker 2:Nothing. I talked to the goalie at the end of the match and she was bored.
Speaker 1:Oh, we were having a heart yeah.
Speaker 2:I had to tell her it's a bit harsh, but yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 1:She was like a half time. She's like I feel like I've put in a stellar performance. I haven't touched the ball.
Speaker 2:I repeat yes, yeah, my day was very good as well. I got up at 5am to get a taxi to, because we were staying not at our house last night for complicated reasons. That doesn't mean we don't need to go into Non-poly ones. Non-poly ones, yeah. And then I had to get a lift to very near where we live so that a friend from my running club's dad could give us a lift to a half marathon race that we both happened to be doing, where it went very well. I mean, I felt awful yesterday.
Speaker 1:You really did, didn't you?
Speaker 2:Everything ached, I just thought I might not bother, not bother. And then I woke up and got there and did all my prep and did a 125, which is cool, very nice.
Speaker 1:I think I finished sixth, which is all right, yeah, also, I think it's probably worth giving a shout out to our Australian listeners.
Speaker 2:Oh yes.
Speaker 1:We do have some. I believe they may have run a race today as well. Yes, Do we know the result yet? One of, maybe both of them? They've both said, but apparently it was absolutely killer hot, so not the usual times, but they did it and well done to them both. Definitely yeah.
Speaker 2:They're not Australian, but have completed some sort of sporting endeavor today. Well done you.
Speaker 1:Give yourself a pat on the head. How bloody patronising. Yeah, that was a bit Sorry team, so in a moment.
Speaker 2:now we've got all the sporting stuff, we'll be talking about what is or when. Sorry is the right time to tell people about your lifestyle choices? Yes, but first, dear listeners, we have our weekend polly.
Speaker 1:What you do.
Speaker 2:I have my weekend. What have you done? What have you done? Fine.
Speaker 1:No, you and I had some mind blowing sex on Friday night.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, yeah, it was good. It's very good, partially because of the eight of we haven't really had the chance to sort of see each other a lot this week, so a lot of build up there. But also whenever one of us sees us, someone else, there is a pent up need to have that reconnection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think we had we know had no, because I was no, we had. We had a lunch time. No, it wasn't.
Speaker 2:Join us. Listen. We looked through our diary and tell us when exactly we had sex.
Speaker 1:It was after school one day, when the kids are in after school club, so we made the most of it.
Speaker 2:We finished it after school, but the kids are still in school, but you'd finished work. Yes, yes, that, yeah, it's been good for that side of things. But anyway, I sorry. That was wonderful but I'm going to go into the poly side of things. So that's okay because we are married and we do have sex occasionally. Sometimes it's good, sometimes Sometimes. But, yeah, I went on a mostly vanilla date with one of my partners in London on Monday and it was they've just moved into London from outside London, not the movie usually make. We haven't seen each other for a few weeks and it was just really nice to see her new place and where she is in town. And, yeah, it's just really good to see and it was still very early on. Things is dates one, two, three four, don't?
Speaker 1:It depends if you're including me in that first.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I am because I yes, I had a date with her in Cuba there, yeah, Fourth, then Fourth date, yeah, but yeah, it's just how, like, how far and how quickly it's gone and but also in a really I mean this is a good way how much further there is to go, because you know the total number of hours you spend together. It's Limited 15 maybe, yeah, and some of that is just practical stuff where you do get to talk about things and it's like, okay, unpack someone's entire life and work out all their preferences, things they like, things you don't talk about, but preferences both sexual and food and drink and life, and it just takes a lot of time and I've not had to go through this before, not for not for many years, not Not this level.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I think and there's something and I hope you don't mind me bring it up because I know it's something you and her have discussed but it's not all about getting your end away.
Speaker 2:No, but that's exactly the conversation we had on Monday, which I think is why you're bringing it up. It is very much a relationship.
Speaker 1:Exactly, it's not. I'm going to come over, have sex with you, get it and. And get back on the tube and then get back on the tube and in fact you know there was a relationship that you had with someone that you know she had a very serious accident and you went over to look after her and make sure that she was okay. But in her head the expectation was that you were going over there for fun stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, whereas, having seen the states for my expectation was can I do your food shopping and can I help you down the stairs, because you are in agony every time you move? And yeah, she had a very different feel for that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, whereas this is very much, you know, you're going for coffee, to go for dinner, you're sometimes having sex, you're sometimes not, and that's very much yeah.
Speaker 2:She's on another theater show she wants to go to oh yeah, it's cool. Yeah, I can't remember the details, so don't ask me now. But yeah, nice recurring theme there. It's just because you and one of your partners, you both like theater, so we have taught us quite like the idea, if we can make timing's work, of possibly going to theater together. But it would be a theater too, it wouldn't be hanky-panky.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, until later.
Speaker 2:But separately. Sorry, I just want to go.
Speaker 1:Thank you, you don't need to caveat, I get it. Yeah, it's, and that seems just like it's got legs, because it's genuine. Yes, she's got legs. She's got legs, thank you, but it's genuine connection rather than that's just screw each other's brains out. Yeah, which you know is must be nice.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's not a deal breaker, by the way, but at the same time, for the things that I am and I strongly think you find satisfying is, sex is great, but having sex, that means something is better.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and do you mind me touching on the fact that she mentioned that she was in a similar relationship with somebody previously?
Speaker 2:I don't think I can speak on behalf, but you touch on it.
Speaker 1:Where that was kind of the expectation of every time they met.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's going too far into the.
Speaker 2:If you depersonalize it and go that that's fairly common, which is people have We've kind of talked about it previously which is what does poly mean? And it covers a full range of things. Which is your poly, because you really need someone you don't have sex. And then there's the the side of it that gets close to what you and I think of swinger, which is Effectively a formal poly.
Speaker 2:And then then, you get this blurring of lines, which is it's mostly about sex, and we like to hit some sort of mint point there, because we enjoy sex but we also enjoy having a relationship with our partners. Yeah so yeah, but yeah, her previous one was the expectation of sex and everything else is secondary to that.
Speaker 1:And this is I like her and occasionally have sex so far woods, but it's only occasionally because of the logistics.
Speaker 2:Fundamentally, the notion moved house, so it's got fewer, got less excuses now.
Speaker 1:But you know, sometimes things get in the way like offspring and work and we're intend to liveable. Yeah, there is that, there is that yeah well then you place up on the head.
Speaker 2:Go on, place up on the head. Let's see if this is Is.
Speaker 1:No, but yes, I just think is she sort of mildly surprised or Is it kind of just nice? I'm just gonna ask her. Um, I think you need to get a name for her at some point In the ether woman. Oh god.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:We call her in the ether.
Speaker 2:It's too hard to say I want to call the nerd. There's some sort of like retroactive revenge. Well, come on a better name. Um, oscar, I will ask. I have asked her multiple times and yeah, I'm going to call it mrs Indecisive, miss missing mrs MISS. Indecision the MISS INDECISION.
Speaker 1:The MISS INDECISION, MISS INDEPENDENCE DAY? I don't know yeah. I tell you, I want to know the football today, apparently so.
Speaker 2:If you go back and listen, you can hear the words 10 nil appear five times down on this podcast. I might edit some of this out just to make me wrong. Um, but yeah, we. Is she surprised? I think she's pleasantly surprised. Sounds like dammit was fainting praise. I think she's get surprised, but not in a completely jump out of your skin, but in a way, this is what I wanted. This is a surprise because you know, sometimes you want something and you don't get it. Sometimes you wonder, yeah, yeah, why are you going with?
Speaker 1:that Thinking about previous things, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes, fair enough. Yes, I thought you went like you wanted what? 12 nil. But yeah, when you want something and you get it, it is a pleasant surprise and I think it's that. And I'm not saying that I don't want to speak on her behalf and say she wants me, but it's going very well and we've got a lot in common.
Speaker 2:We Know a lot of crossovers in there, yeah, there is a lot of crossover groups of people that we know. It's very interesting because we can just like nerd out about that, that environment, and it's fascinating and she's a good company and she likes theatre and yeah, there's just loads of like just warm, fuzzy feelings.
Speaker 1:She's very switched on and very kind as well. Yeah, also a massive nerd, as you have mentioned, but I like that yeah you know, I really like that because I have my massive nerds.
Speaker 2:So, just like you, count together yeah, it's cool, it's cute, yeah, cute, it's funny when your wife sorry, I know, this is like what we're all here for it is still a bit strange when your wife Says that you and someone else are cute together. Yeah, well, you and legs are very cute together and you and both your partners are great together, great.
Speaker 1:But you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know why do you want? Yeah, because you and um Tex and Tom would go to the theatre and you're a really cute couple. And then you go off and see French man seat and you two are really cute together. We are really cute together, yeah, and then he mercilessly teases you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's not cute.
Speaker 2:No, but I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:That is fucking annoying, but hey, I'm here for you can be roses words.
Speaker 2:Going fucking no, you can't be roses, we're gonna fail to. It says that we can poly. It's been. It's the start of something, but it's. It feels good.
Speaker 1:It feels good for both of us. Yes, I know you have this conversation, or lots of polyamorous. I have this conversation of do you have to like your metamore, do you have to like your partner's partner, so to speak? No, no, but it helps. It really bloody helps. Yeah totally, because I think you went out for work drinks after you'd seen her. Yeah, and her and I just had a general chit chat on our three-way group.
Speaker 2:Which is great because I was like I've seen her for, effectively, a lunch, um, go back to work for a bit, then gone out with the boys from work, as it were, and then I can just see this chat on, going and watch, and it's like this is Wonderful and weird and hilarious. Yeah because you two are pretty funny.
Speaker 1:But she's just, she's very thoughtful. Yeah, it means a lot. So, yeah, yeah, right, did we want to actually talk about the topic of this?
Speaker 2:podcast, you're the one who keeps talking about football. So what is this week's topic? Madea?
Speaker 1:So nothing to a football, thank god. We wanted to talk about um. When is the right time to tell other people about your relationship status? Five o'clock on Friday.
Speaker 2:Five o'clock on Friday yeah, because all the news is done. Everyone's like switched off, gone the pub.
Speaker 1:They don't care, it's fine and I guess it because we started to really Going into this quite a bit recently with my work friends, finding out my football team friends. I think I referred to them as friends last week. Anyway, football team, it's a team.
Speaker 2:Yeah but they my mates, who've obviously found out.
Speaker 1:You told them yeah. Yeah, but it still Lends into this whole thing about when is the right time to tell someone exactly, and you and I realized we kind of get in a bit of a loop on things and kind of have a recurring theme that goes through a few weeks at a time and we feel like this is probably, invertingly, the next thing that we're going to be stuck on a bit of a loop for. So bear with us, team, strap in, strap on.
Speaker 2:So the first thing is, when you say when is the right time, let me just qualify that and say whom.
Speaker 1:Who missed the right time? No, who are you telling?
Speaker 2:Right. Notice the grammatical correctiveness there.
Speaker 1:I am going to go back one further step, which is I am going to preempt the conclusion of this podcast episode. Do you want to show one crack on by saying depends who, depends when, depends where, depends who you are? It just depends, as like with anything else. But hey, let's go.
Speaker 2:Okay, with your little multi-layered stack of analysis there. Where would you like to start with your topic this week?
Speaker 1:If I can be proved otherwise, it'd be wonderful.
Speaker 2:Give me five minutes.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to take our example first of all, which is we've never told any family members as of yet.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay. So family is the starting point. When is the? So the question is, when is the right time to tell family? Well, we haven't yet. No, we haven't, so when is the right time to tell them?
Speaker 1:It depends, no, but seriously, yeah, no, you're welcome. I think it does depend on how serious these relationships are that you're getting into, how much it actually means for you to tell them. So, for example, you know, I'd quite like to tell my family now that I have got two solid other partners, one of which I've been with over two years, one of which I've been with over a year yeah. It feels like a big thing to be hiding from your family, but at the same time, I've little thought about it that way though.
Speaker 1:But you're right.
Speaker 2:Because it's, I mean, above a certain age. How much insight do your family have into your life anyway? But even if you do tell one of the members of your family, they very rarely pay attention anyway.
Speaker 1:I probably have told them, and they've just ignored it.
Speaker 2:But you told me about it by sexual years ago and they thought it was because you're trying to cover up not paying someone some money. It's just a diversionary story. Because that's how sneaky you are, I'm just going to make up this entire character trait because of it. It's good, it's not sexual orientation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's fine.
Speaker 2:It's totally normal behavior.
Speaker 1:Yeah, surely you'd be more worried about that than anything, but anyway, apparently not.
Speaker 2:So you'd like to tell your family, I would like to tell parts of my family more specifically. Sorry, let me rephrase that I don't want to. I feel like I could, but also.
Speaker 1:It's not a burning desire. No, it's not.
Speaker 2:But also there's another part, there's two things, there's three parts, sorry, what do I want, what do they want and what do I want to get out of doing that? And there's a bit which is I feel like I could. I think the other party will particularly care, but also there is no upside to doing it. I don't see my sister regularly enough for it to be of any consequence and there is always the potential there are downsides. So you have to balance these things out. So going to it depends that's my version of it. Depends is is there any upsides or the downsides? Well, the upsides is I'm not lying, that'd be nice. There is no other upsides. There is potential downsides.
Speaker 1:Is there a difference between lying and just not giving the truth, Not like just not saying it?
Speaker 2:Can I refer you to a Julia Roberts film from the mid 1990s? I've forgotten what it is, but they. It's Keith the Sutherland. You're asking the wrong person. I am because you were like five at the time when it came out.
Speaker 1:And I don't watch films, really.
Speaker 2:But it's. I've completely forgotten what the film is called. They did remake as well a few years later, but it's where they send people to basically be on the edge of death and then bring them back and there's a. I just remember the and they have to tell people what happened to them. But I remember the trailer. There's a bit where Julia Roberts says you would hold information. That's the same as lying, and every time I think about what you just said, I see that scene from the trailer from a film that's like nearly 30 years old now and, yeah, it sticks my head. So is it the same thing? Well, no, I don't think it's the same thing, and you've gone through this, which is if someone asks I'm not going to lie.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you've also not withheld information, because how this gets into a tricky moral area which is exactly why it depends on it's interesting. But if you know something and you don't tell someone, then you're making a moral decision on the other party's behalf about whether they need to know or not. Nobody needs to know about our lifestyle choices.
Speaker 1:No, whereas and we have a very good example of this, and this is a it's like a different use case, but I guess, also valid in the realm of what we're talking about here, which is when we first got on what was the KK app? A couple of years ago, the first person we found on there of interest was Bunny, and I had known Bunny for the best part of 10 or 11 years by that point. And then we had a moral dilemma of do we say something? Because if we don't, we're holding information over her. We know something about her that she doesn't know, that we know, that she doesn't know, that we know.
Speaker 2:And I was very clear at the time and I still think it was the right thing, which is because of that reason. It's not fair that you know something that person doesn't know about Something that you should both know about each other, because she quite easily find us on the app and of course we didn't know that she'd never looked at the damn thing anyway, but in theory, like seconds after you found her, she could have found us. Then you're in a moral contrary about well, who blinks first.
Speaker 2:So you should always be the one who blinks first and say I found you and that's okay. I'll have a chat Very much, very soon with your work problem, work problems or your work scenario, which is your, one of your team, not your boss. One of your team found out and they reached out to you, which is the right thing to do, because if you knew something about someone else, that's withholding information, that's a problem. Changed the gears slightly. Let's put my parents in place of my sister. There's no way in a billion years my parents would ever know, unless they found out through someone else in my life that they know that knows them. The only other person in my life is my sister.
Speaker 1:And we've made a decision really to not tell your sister because she's got lots of other stuff going on in her life. That means her circle and everything that's going on where she is in the world. It's more important than who we're in relationships with. As long as we're okay and her nieces are okay. That's kind of where it ends for her Exactly.
Speaker 2:Like I say, I didn't see often an effort to have any bearing. So would it be nice for me to tell her from a? I don't want to hide things from my sister. Yeah, that'd be it, but that's the only upside. Everything else is either neutral or downside. So therefore the balance on this whole depends, equation, how many things you're on one side of the. There's a mild upside, which is it releases me from having to, on a very intimate and occasional basis with hold information from her that she doesn't need to know because it can affect her life, versus all the downsides of her being on the wrong side of it. Tell them. I don't have parents to know. My parents are in their mid seventies, they live in a different country, it has no upside for them and would cause way more trouble, and it has more questions than I want to give answers. So that's a very straightforward case of I will probably never tell my family.
Speaker 1:But if they asked, for whatever reason, say something meant that they can't go down. Yeah, for some reason, whatever, we're not going to lie.
Speaker 2:No, exactly, and that's, that's the moral stance we're taking for this one. Let's take your family from moment which I started.
Speaker 1:So yeah, we have touched on before.
Speaker 2:But anyway, let's take a case by case. Let's start off with your sister.
Speaker 1:Okay, so my sister? Yes, I think I would tell her, but again, probably just if she asked yeah, because we have a joke they've. Her and her partner have just moved into a new house, and I did make a comment about some rather suspicious mirror placement within this very dated property.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I said it does have kind of the feel of a 1970s sex club and shouldn't they went? Yeah, we'd kind of had that conversation ourselves. So you know, you can have at least a level of conversation around it. And I know they've got friends in their circles who are polyamorous etc. But it's part of their friendship group and their age group. They probably quite haven't made the mental leap of a married couple of children considering it.
Speaker 2:And we've had this whole thing which is is poly just a label to cover up or to not cover up? So that's a bit too demonic. But modern dating Do you use the word poly to explain the way that you date these days? And you know, she's 20 something years younger than me, so she's got a very different approach to sorry, not her, her friends. They've got a very different approach to dating, so they're use of polys maybe slightly different from ours. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Very possibly.
Speaker 2:So as he says to, so it's a not going to tell her, not going to lie my dad. See you, mum next, okay.
Speaker 1:My mum weirdly probably getting closer to possibly being able to say something, but again, I still don't 100% trust her. Just, it's probably the the historic thing rather than anything else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and also like is it any upside to telling actually either of them?
Speaker 1:Definitely not my dad, I think that's all three of them Just causes more problems than it's worth, but think it's simply mom and the sympathy sister and the reason.
Speaker 2:I think the downside, the main one, is they provide a not inconsideral around of supportive childcare for us Mmm. Sometimes we're using that childcare to go off and have fun. Sometimes some no, like today was very much about Logistics logistics of a football game, a half marathon in different parts of the country and kids that need to go to similar Since and drama and all the normal day today crap.
Speaker 2:So, we have one car between us. Yeah, yeah, so you know you mum chipped him. Great. If they knew that what we were using the childcare for was as they might see it Let me just use the word shenanigans, because it sounds cool Would that bother them?
Speaker 1:So I think this is probably because I don't really know if we could answer that question. I think it's worth Looking at it from the friend angle now, which is Out of everybody that I've told mm-hmm, nothing has changed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, as proven stay as proven today, and I actually text one of my friends who found out last weekend and Just said to her Thank you, because I was really worried I'd upset her or worry her or concern her in some way, not because of me, but because of how I I know how much she worries and stresses in life and I just wouldn't want to burden her with that additional worry of Because sometimes people conflate this, of thinking that maybe I'm after her partner in some way, because some people do.
Speaker 1:I've heard this with other people who have told Other people around them yeah, and then it's like that wife's that's going to sleep with all the school dads or yeah, whatever, I just I just never wanted her to View me like that and that's why I was so concerned about her knowing Because my friendship with her is really important yeah, and she just text me back. She's like but you're just you, I feel, if you hasn't changed, yeah, you are just who you are and that's great, and I was like cool and she's like it's just because I'm really like Robbish relationships and blah blah. I'm like you're not just a very giving person who's had a lot of people take advantage of that and shit on you.
Speaker 2:And that is ultimately so. Ultimately and more, we don't even ultimately. But where we've come to is for family, and the whole thing is that when is the right time to tell people? Probably never tell parents, and probably never. Well, okay, tricky one, you go have a knee. I feel like you need to have a need to tell them and if the need is to clear your conscience, so you're not lying to family to terribly reasonable. I think there's a balancing point there between the needs to have a clear conscience and and what the downsides are for that. If you can sorry, so I was gonna say so let me give a different scenario, which is, let's just say, my parents are no longer around. Then I might tell my sister maybe yeah.
Speaker 2:I Kind of don't wait. It's all I don't want parents to know. I just think my parents will understand.
Speaker 1:They just don't need to know, it was just. They do it almost confuse them.
Speaker 2:But that's it. So like there's no, there is no upside. Hmm, even clear my, even the smaller amount of conscience, clearing they would go on would be massively outweighed by all of the I don't understand us. So, no, I don't know.
Speaker 1:My sister would understand so, going back to that point around the, is it lying or is it just admitting the truth? Is there any need to clear your conscience to your family? Because ultimately, with all of this, at any point have we Lied to them if they've said what have you done at the weekend? Went out with friends, went to a party?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get it. We've, but you're you. This gives much what you're saying. You are withholding information, you are not being fulsome with the truth and there is a bit of having to think on your feet and Hmm and keep multiple realities spinning is hard work.
Speaker 2:Now I'd limiting it to just family. My problems much easier to solve for than yours, because my family live miles away, and Once 200 miles north, once 400 miles south, and live in France. So it's fine. I Don't have to worry about this too much. It's more of a problem for you. So let's throw it back to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I think for me, with family, it's that thing of I Don't feel like I need to clear my conscience, because if someone asks me where did you go? Went to club in London. Oh, did you have fun? Yeah, I did. Did you drink much? No, don't feel I need to give a gang bang. Okay, so that question came up. No, because Hasn't happened yet. Very difficult to arrange, dad. Oh, it's just not gonna happen, is it?
Speaker 2:We tried to hear that. I thought we kind of funny, like how do you handle that conversation? You just have to.
Speaker 1:But I, you know. So. Therefore, from that level, I think the biggest Time, the biggest ones we'd have to clear conscience on, is why I'm in a foreign country and you're at home with the kids. Yeah, that's been. That's probably the only time that I've gone. Oh, it's a bit uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:I had. The low key I've told you at the time was all like you know, when someone travels, especially the traveling internationally, you know just that it's very small increase in risk with an increase in risk, which is what's something happens to you when you're abroad, not even like I don't mean something dramatic, like a praying crash, but if you break a leg, break a leg hit by a car, come down with like food poisoning, which is like not a mini mother, and having to explain why you're not going back immediately or why you're there on a Saturday when the meeting was on a Thursday because I've explained it to work thing, and it's like what, if that's where you're getting caught up.
Speaker 1:Or even with, like what if something happened to my partner whilst I was out there and I was helping them, and it's like really sorry, but they, I don't speak French. I don't speak French. I'm in the midst of trying to contact their parents, siblings, etc. And I'm kind of in the midst of this right now. I'm too far down the rabbit hole. I can't just like up and leave. I've got a flight in a half an hour late, as, whilst you're in your hospital bed, yeah, and these things like that.
Speaker 2:There are many things that letting people. No one wants to live a lie. I say no one, I'm just showing most of you don't want to live a lie and yet we feel compelled to and I think we both resistant to that compulsion, and everything else about this conversation so far has been justifying giving into that compulsion to not to be honest, not to be open.
Speaker 1:Well, this was again. This was actually one of the relief things from last weekend when I got asked directly and I got to tell five people in one go whilst it was very nerve wracking because how often do you tell five people where you're just a center of attention? So far never I am literally the most interesting person in that hot tub. I smoke, but I'm joking, she's not. I mean, when nobody else had anything to say after that, I clearly was. But no, only joking. But I had that same friend that I mentioned a moment back. I just said why do you think I go to France on my own all the time? And she was like oh really, I say it's not just because Hunter's parents live out there. I have a partner out there. She was like so that joke around having French baguette stuffed up your bum, yeah, yeah, that's pretty on point.
Speaker 2:Listen. As far as I know, I've just never had a baguette shifter for bum. Would you like to confirm to the audience?
Speaker 1:I can't confirm. I've never had a French baguette shoved up my bum.
Speaker 2:Anything else.
Speaker 1:Yes, I've had other things shoved up my bum. That was one of the questions I got asked quite a lot about actually. Well, bum sex, yeah, really, yeah, weirdly, that's the angle that it took.
Speaker 2:Something's really not into it that much.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know it's quite understanding. I think they just assumed oh, you're into sex, so you must be into anal, not massively. Anyway we digress.
Speaker 2:We'll talk about your bum sex another time. I think there was an episode around that we need to get into, but that's not for now. Okay, so is there anyone else in your life you feel like you do want to tell, and what's the right time to tell them?
Speaker 1:So there are a few longer term friends that kind of veer more towards the family category in the sense of we've just known them for so long that you kind of feel like you should. But again it's like, oh my, it's that risk versus reward thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sure.
Speaker 1:You know, do they really need to know? Is it going to cause more problems and actually solves? Okay, possibly. But I'm also kind of happy for now that actually, in the grand scheme of things, quite a lot of people know, just happy for it to kind of just work its way through. My biggest problem still stands the school mums. Yeah, and it's funny because all the friends that I make are kind of the outliers within their own school. Mum set or they don't, they just don't give a fuck.
Speaker 2:They're not the cool. They're not the cool ones.
Speaker 1:They're cool in the sense that they're not cool, yeah, but they're not the mean girls cool, no no. Yeah, I get that and you know we've all got kids all over the local area, loads of different schools etc. But they are the ones that I tend to find myself drawn to Kids you're an outsider.
Speaker 2:I am, I'm an outsider, A hundred percent, we're just. You know we're not mainstream. And hey, look at us. Not mainstream life With the podcast. Talk about how non-mainstream it is and how it should be.
Speaker 1:But if people didn't know that, technically we should be mainstream. But we both get tired of the school politics and antics and I don't think we've even talked about you rage quitting the PTA recently. No, you did it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but they're also fairly close to being dragged back in because no one else wants to be treasurer.
Speaker 1:Who's got egg on their face now?
Speaker 2:Probably me. To be fair, I probably should just like, said no, I'm done.
Speaker 1:I think you're a sucker if you go back in.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:Never look back. We've talked about this.
Speaker 2:We have not talked about this and it's now not the time to do it. We should do it, my Mike. There's no one else I particularly want to talk to, but there is people in the running club. I would like be like the football team Very different, it's not. It's a much bigger group of people. There's like 400 people in the running club Different concept and it's very different concept and there's no one I am particularly close to. There's a few people I feel like I'd be comfortable telling, but you've completely lost control of the information. And then it proliferates across the entire town instantly because it would be so scandalous.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:With that group. And the fact that some of the kids, teachers and stuff are part of that running club and there is that as a good point, and the people who are members of the running club, including the guy who gave me a lift. Who's kid will be going? Who lives on the housing state we're on? Whose kid will be going to the same school as our children in three or four years time from now?
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:So yeah, as much as that, sorry, sneeze.
Speaker 1:By the way, for anybody who doesn't know Hunter, well, he can never sneeze. Just once I'm going to edit that out. No, you're not.
Speaker 2:No, I'm not Sorry for that, I should. But yeah, there's a there again, there is that desire to tell people, and so it's like I'm going to go again.
Speaker 1:I know I could see it in your face, but I didn't want to stop your flow. That's been coming for 15 minutes.
Speaker 2:I've been waiting for it Very dehydrated, like Friday night. Like Friday night you were more dehydrated than I was. I've never seen someone go through a towel that quickly. I would like to tell people the running club, because there is again. You just have to. It's easier to not have to edit yourself. It's easier if you can just tell someone what you're doing at the weekend. I'm going to sex up in London. It's a sentence, it's a string of words. In theory, it has no more value than I'm eating a tin of beans, but yeah, people put so much weight onto it. If I have to think about what I'm saying and you're right you don't have to explain a lot. You say I'm going to London. Oh cool, where are you going? I usually just go. I have no idea it's being organised by someone else. Either you or work or me, and that's as far as I go.
Speaker 1:Which you get away with. I don't why? Not? Because I'm people know I'm an organiser. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Whereas I can pretend to be scatting, I'm actually pretty scatty. So when we just leave it into that and I don't have to tell people, but I'd rather not have to we use pseudonyms to be all hiding. I don't want to have to, but I feel like I have to.
Speaker 1:So, and you're right, because it's very difficult to spin those different realms of reality constantly to the point that because and this was quite a few weeks ago, this, so this was before, potentially before work found out and might have been just after and definitely before, my friends last weekend found out. But we had a friend, a couple of friends, over. We were talking about how her sister had ended up pregnant with a second child and she said I Add condom malfunction, condom came off and she's ended up pregnant and I just went are you are there?
Speaker 1:I think I said recently because With one of my partners had a condom malfunction malfunction and Kind of, as I said recently, just went, even though I stupid thing was, it would have been fine if I hadn't been just prior to that, talking about being on the coil and not needing to use condoms with you.
Speaker 1:So, then, yeah, the fact that I then went I had that recently and this was like months and months ago, this conversation months ago I can't remember now my time frame to all over the place, but it's Sunday, it's Sunday. And did I tell you one thing now? Um, yeah, I might mention it. Um, but yeah, and they're not people that, no, they're more that group, that kind of a line closer to family, that I suddenly went, oh yeah, these people don't know shit like, and luckily they didn't hear, although one of them didn't really break their neck on a tile in our living room because it was a bit oily.
Speaker 2:For reasons unknown.
Speaker 1:Oh, you've got a slightly slippier tile than any others around her, do I?
Speaker 2:Can I imagine why? That's just here where I was bent over the table.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so there's the key thing that I want to call out between friends and family is that family, regardless of whether it's right or wrong, feel they have some level of ownership over you. Yes, and what you do, for whatever reason, regardless of whether you've talked about sex or Regularly or don't, or whatever. Like you and your sister went out a few weeks ago and you were being chatted up by people and you were joking and laughing about it and it was all great. I got in the car, you told me about it. I was like, oh cool, I didn't get chatted up by anybody. You know it was. You know a very cool conversation to have. But Ultimately, if you'd then gone and snogged someone, your sister would have been like holy shit, like what the fuck do you think you're doing? I give you a version of this from today, if I may, which I've not.
Speaker 2:So there's a woman at the half marathon today who I have met previously and she's really, really, really, really happy. I met her previously and she's really cute and I wanted to ask her last time and didn't, but I came to with her on Strava, so again this time I started talking to her. She's a movie, I remember her. I'm really tempted, like she's not. I know nothing about this girl, but like to ask her for the data. I can't work out if that's the right thing to do, but I couldn't do anything there because some of the running club is there with me and they've been spending the entire time on the way there talking about you and the girls. So I can't.
Speaker 1:And you got a wedding ring on.
Speaker 2:So that's not the right time to do it. So I probably missed the boat, but it was on my mind a lot as I was running around Like could I, how do you instigate that conversation? When do you instigate the conversation? Should you instigate the conversation? When is the right time to tell people, especially someone who you're chatting up, Right?
Speaker 1:So that is something we need to talk about at a later date. I agreed.
Speaker 2:And I just thought I'd open up the floor to that particular idea.
Speaker 1:Great?
Speaker 2:No, no great, Because I think it's so good I did.
Speaker 1:Didn't I, but it's true, because it was a conversation we were having last night. Yeah, like, when is the right time to tell someone who you're asking on a date Very different concepts to family and friends, but we wanted to focus in on that Particularly. So, in summary, in summary was. I right? Does it depend?
Speaker 2:Yes, well done. You can pay yourself on the head twice. Today I can literally hear that it does depend. I think friends is easier or easy, but easier Family is just always hard because, like you say, they've got ownership, they have strong opinions. This isn't fairly brutal, it's. I'm going to say it and hopefully people don't misunderstand what I mean when I say this. You can't change your family, but you can change your friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if friends have enough invested in you, they won't care which we have found to be true, which we have found to be true.
Speaker 2:And if family, whether they're invested in you or not, they're still family and they can still be a pain in the ass.
Speaker 1:There's so, and I'm glad that this is the sort of new brain loop that we're on at the moment, because it's giving me. There's so much more that I want to say today.
Speaker 2:But not for now, because we've taken enough time, because? But you need to tell us more about football and how her game went very well in her team. What do you want to score today?
Speaker 1:Ten, though Cool. What I do want to say, though, is that you and I will hopefully have a great polyfiller next week.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Just a 10 to hooks.
Speaker 2:Little little little stippard there. Foreign fun in bound.
Speaker 1:And it's not in France.
Speaker 2:It's not in France. Watch it turn into an absolute shit show.
Speaker 1:Watch it turn into also the sex club of 10 French men. Yay, you wanted me to have a gang then?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wanted me to have a gang bang too. Reverse gang bang, no, no, I'm just saying it's going to be like sausage party. There's all like pile into butcher.
Speaker 1:I don't think we can be a sausage party though. Sausage party, though, because they don't allow single males in, do they? Based on the rules that you sent me over. I think you're right, so there you go.
Speaker 2:No, this is, this is fine. Yeah, no, we'll just like have 10 couples and two people. So far, you think about it.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I'll be too busy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was going to say that let's just go have fun. Let's just go have fun and then record a podcast about it. Indeed, sounds good. Yeah, let's do that. Let's put in the meantime. Keep us and your protection and your 10 now, oh, and came six and half. Yeah, although it's just came six.
Speaker 2:Important fact Dnf. Apparently, the system did not record my finish. Goodbye, it was a month's drive.
Speaker 1:It didn't happen Whatever.