Breaking the Silence: From Abuse Victim to Resilient Survivor Kim Shares about Saprea

Are you ready to walk with me on a journey of remarkable resilience, raw courage and healing? Our guest for today, Kim, is a brave survivor of childhood sexual abuse who’s chosen to share her healing journey, lending her voice to an issue often shrouded in silence. As she recounts her transformative experience at the Saprea Retreat, she emphasizes the importance of reaching out, seeking professional help, and the power of talking about our traumas.

Kim’s journey hasn’t been an easy one. The aftermath of her childhood sexual abuse had severe impacts on her life. She found solace and strength in the therapeutic practices of the Saprea Retreat, a pivotal beacon guiding her towards healing. Listen in as she candidly shares the coping mechanisms she employed and how these led her to seek help, starting her journey towards healing and self-discovery.

Hear Kim’s words of wisdom, encouragement and love for those facing similar challenges. Her heartfelt advice for finding support during trying times serves as a reminder of our inherent resilience and the potential for healing. It's a testament to the power of resilience, the importance of seeking help, and the understanding that you're not alone in your struggles. Come, join us in this inspiring conversation that’s bound to leave you with newfound hope and strength.

Visit saprea.org to learn more about hope and healing from child sexual abuse

Visit Defend Innocence for resources on child sexual abuse prevention

Buy makeup, skin care and collagen here and help survivors of child sexual abuse

Connect with Ciera on Instagram @confidentlybeautifulpodcast

Transcript

Ciera: 0:03

You are listening to Confidently Beautiful with Ciera, a podcast to help you stay confidently beautiful, because we all have confidence inside us. We just need to bring it out and I'm here to show you how Body image, dreams, parenting style, personality and more here we cover it all. Get ready to stay confidently beautiful. The Break the Silence Benefit Run for Saprea is this Thursday, july 27th, at 7am. There's a 10K, a 5K. You can walk it, you can run it. It is open to the public and it is a fundraiser to benefit Saprea and all of the survivors of child sexual abuse. You can find the link to register in the show notes or you can go to spare. org and there is a link to register for the Break the Silence Benefit Run. And again, it is on July 27th in Salt Lake City, utah.

Ciera: 0:54

Today I have a wonderful guest, somebody that we have heard from once before. I have Kim with us and she is going to be talking about something a little bit different than what she did before. It's my second most listened to episode so far on this podcast and it is episode 7. I will include a link in the show notes, of course, but if you want to go back and listen to that you can get a little bit to know a little bit more about Kim, as she talked about her postpartum depression and anxiety experience. Today, I'm going to have her talk about something a little different. We are going to be talking about Saprea and what is formally known as the Haven Retreat. Now it is just the Saprea Retreat and she is going to talk about her healing journey as she is a survivor of child sexual abuse. I mentioned the 5K 10K run that is coming up, and that is just one way that you can benefit Supriya.

Ciera: 1:41

I am a monthly donor to Saprea. Anytime you purchase makeup or skincare from my website, you are donating to Saprea, whether you know it or not. 10% of all of the profits that are on my website go straight to Saprea to help prevent child sexual abuse, provide more education on how to prevent it and give parents guidelines that they can share with their children, and it also helps people heal from child sexual abuse. You will also have the opportunity to round up your order or you can add an additional, like dollar or $5 donation every time you order on the website. But even if you don't do that just your simple order 10% of all of the profits will be donated to Supriya. It's an incredible organization. Shalene Maxfield is probably one of the purest people I've ever met. She is the founder of Saprea and she is the heart of Saprea. She is what keeps it going and there are so many awesome resources that you can find on Supriya's website and they can help you to know how you can prevent child sexual abuse from happening but also help yourself to heal or to help someone you love who has experienced it to heal.

Ciera: 2:48

And let me just reintroduce Kim to you as we go into this new episode with her. Kim is a mom, she's a foster mom, she has gone to cosmetology school, she is a baker, she makes the most beautiful cakes and she has put everything on hold besides motherhood and she has kind of cleared her schedule to help her to have time for her healing, as she has discovered that she has some healing that she needs to do with her childhood sexual abuse. So here is my interview with Kim. She talks about her experience at Saprea retreat and she talks about her healing journey and some trauma therapy that she has been doing and some other resources that she has that have been helpful to her as she has started to heal.

Ciera: 3:30

Thank you so much for joining us, kim, I'm so glad to have you back. Your episode was like one of the top listen to you I should pull up the statistic, but it's like still one of the top listen to episodes on the podcast, so I'm really thrilled to have you back. You always have such great things to share. Today, we're going to be talking about your journey with Saprea and your healing journey from your child sexual abuse, and I'm really excited to hear your experience. Saprea is something that I think is an incredible organization, and to know somebody who has experienced it firsthand is really awesome, and I am so proud of you for all of the healing that you have been doing, because I know it's not an easy road to heal from trauma. So can you give us a little bit of a big, a big picture of how you started to heal, why you felt like you needed to heal, just to give people an idea?

Kim: 4:22

Yeah, for sure. Thank you. I'm excited to be back here on the podcast and today I'm going to be sharing a little bit about my story as a childhood sexual abuse survivor. So I don't plan to share a lot of details about the abuse, but that's kind of your trigger as this topic can be a little bit more difficult to listen to. As a survivor Just anyone in general I've been on a healing journey from abuse and the effects is out of my life Really since the abuse started. But it's really been the last five years that I have Kind of dove deep and into my healing, especially the last 10 months while I was from a therapy.

Kim: 5:01

My abuse happened at a very young age, kind of in the the critical developmental stages of my childhood. My abusers were all family members, both male and female, and I mentioned that because more than 80% of the time A child is abused by someone that they know and trust. My abuse happened over a few years time and I spent my childhood, my teens and my early adulthood Pretending that it didn't happen, tell myself that it didn't affect me and just honestly kind of praying that I would just get in and move on. I have very little memories as a child, both good and bad, due to the fact that I just kind of blocked everything out. I do remember a few counseling sessions when I was fairly young, but they kind of felt forced and left me feeling ashamed, which often times victims of childhood sexual abuse do feel ashamed, which is totally opposite than what they should feel. But I kind of just went on with my life. I was living in fear, just trying to be a kid, being like all the other kids around me but really not have any idea to handle the emotions or what I had been through. I believe that my my abuse led me to have extreme anxiety, depression, chronic stress on my body and my mind, low self-esteem, overeating disorder, ptsd and hyper vigilance and all those things that I experienced after this. But I just really never had a name to kind of pinpoint what was actually happening and I still have a lot of those things to this day.

Kim: 6:31

The trauma response has mostly been a flight response which caused me to to overwork for years and just go the extra mile and time and time again. And honestly I was praised by other people around me for they just thought I was such like a go-getter and stuff In which I am, but it was. It was a hundred percent a Trauma response and I know that now, if I just stay busy, I don't have to deal with my thoughts. That's one of the harder things about trauma, is it? It makes it a lot harder to just sit and connect with what's happening in the present moment.

Kim: 7:03

So kind of fast forward several years and until when I, when I had my first baby at when I was 26, I struggled really, really hard with postpartum depression and anxiety. You can refer to that episode 7 where we kind of dope deep into that more specifically on Sierra's podcast. But I started therapy as an adult for the first time and I briefly mentioned to my therapist about the abuse they encourage you to to bring up any, you know, like past trauma or things like that, so that they can kind of have it in your background. But I had just kind of brushed it off as like I'm fine, I'm healed, but I'm here for postpartum depression and anxiety and I just I was. I did not know that that would have been like a huge factor into why I had postpartum depression and anxiety. Having a child brought so much added stress and anxiety into motherhood. But all of that was linked back to my trauma and things that I didn't heal and how my brain developed due to trauma.

Kim: 8:02

I had heard from a friend about the unique foundation Haven Retreat, which is the superior to retreat for women of childhood sexual abuse, and I kind of just felt a nudge that maybe I should look into it, even though I had healed or so I thought, and I looked into it to see if maybe it could help or heal me more with the trauma I had gone through, even though I was convinced I was fine and I kind of passed it off as being okay. But really I think I was just in denial and I just lived as though it didn't happen. So this was during COVID, so I applied for the treatment, really not knowing if I could actually attend because I mean early mid 2020, things were kind of shut down and they have two retreats in the US. One is in Utah, a few hours from where I live, and the other one is in Georgia. So I chose the Utah retreat in hopes to get in, so I wouldn't have to fly. So I they called and my registration went through and the people were just so kind and helpful and you could tell that they were trauma informed, which I really appreciated, and so I attended the Supri retreat in September of 2020. And I was pregnant with my second. So there's a free retreat is for women who were sexually abused before the age of 18.

Kim: 9:13

I really wasn't sure what to expect for the retreat, but my friend had just said amazing things about it and I was really excited for some me time. Almost honestly, I was kind of like, oh, this is like a mini vacation, but I was excited to also just be educated more about trauma. So I drove to the meeting location a few hours away and they don't give me the address, they just have you meet up and if you want to get in their vehicles with them or follow them. It totally sounds like a bad situation, but I trusted them. So I followed these SUVs to a place. I didn't know where I was going, but I felt safe and safety is a huge priority for them.

Kim: 9:53

This property was located in the mountains out of town. It was so beautiful. There wasn't service. We really got a chance to unplug and I remember going through it was a game of place to the gates open and we drove in and I was like I have never seen a more beautiful piece of property in my entire life, like it was like a mansion, it was like a castle, like it was so pretty. There was like beautiful, like grassy hills and like a pond, and it was just gorgeous. All of the staff was so incredibly kind and welcoming. We were put into small groups of six due to COVID I believe. Now they're bigger groups but it was smaller, smaller numbers. To keep a spaced out. We did have to wear masks and the like procedures were a little bit different for us because of like their policy and the state regulations, but for me I feel like it didn't like take away from my experience at all.

Kim: 10:45

Over the next few days at retreat I was really able to connect with other women, be educated on my brain and how it developed and how trauma kind of hindered that development and how it affected me. My mind was blown when I found out that our brains actually don't fully develop to like age 25. And so I was. Just I learned so much. It was really really neat. I spent time in nature outside. I did yoga, art journaling, muay Thai, kanzuki, breath work and we got makeovers done. I was able to do kind of like some beginner yoga Well for me beginner. Other people did more advanced yoga, but that was something that was really cool, where I could just kind of like be and breathe and it was just refreshing. I remember we were in the kind of like yoga studio and you could see the mountains right there and all of the glass doors kind of opened up so you could like just like the breeze was coming in and it was just. It was just so refreshing. Muay Thai was a new experience for me. I had never tried it but I really liked it. I felt so empowered, punching the mitts back and forth while they counted to 50 and everyone was cheering and I was pregnant at the time. So I kind of first was like, oh no, like I'm pregnant, I'm not going to do it, and they're like it's fine, you're not going to hurt your baby, like they had instructors there, and so I did it and I was so glad that I did.

Kim: 12:10

I really liked the journaling that we were able to do to kind of get our thoughts and feelings down on paper. That's something that I still use to this day. We made dream boards and I remember doing mine blue and purple, a kind of watercolor, just kind of simple. I'm not like super artistic, unless it's on a cake, but I wrote just in black follow your dreams, and I always like to think of that, that picture, in my mind when I'm kind of feeling like I can't dream big.

Kim: 12:37

One of my favorite activities was Kintsuki. I think I say that right. We took we each took a bowl kind of off the shelf and we broke it into pieces with a hammer and then we got to use glue gold glue to put it back together. And this is something that the Japanese do they take broken things and they make them more beautiful. It's all about embracing our flaws and imperfections. When my life feels like it has fallen apart, I can celebrate and create a beautiful healing experience.

Kim: 13:07

One of the days we were able to all have makeovers and get our hair done and for me I'd have it done before being in the cosmetology industry. But some of these women had never had professional makeup done or their hair. They could go all glamorous or keep it simple, and then we were able to get pictures done by a professional photographer and again I had. I mean, I had had this done before, but it was really neat to kind of sit back and watch the other women who had never had an experience something like this and it was. It was really fun to kind of sit back and just kind of experience that with them.

Kim: 13:43

There's not one on one therapy there, but our small group discussions were led by a licensed therapist and it was really cool and unique to experience that with so many women from all over the US, different states. They were all different ages. Some were very young, younger than me, some were, you know, grandmas and even grandmas and even older, and we all we were all there at different parts in our healing journey and we were able to learn and support each other. The food there was incredible. They had a specific team of chefs that were making our meals for us. They were healthy and delicious. They even like have a garden on the property that they used the food from. It was like a five star quality restaurant dish. I was so impressed with how well they planned out the retreat and it was done with every detail specific to survivors.

Ciera: 14:34

You mentioned so many awesome things that you did at the retreat. If you had to pick one, like do you have one moment that was really impactful for you in your healing?

Kim: 14:43

One thing that really kind of helped me just kind of like sit back and feel so blessed is some of these women this was their first experience, or admitting that they had this abuse done, and so it was really cool to kind of like witness and be a part of the beginning of their journey, and I felt like that kind of helped me like root for them, and so it helped me like, oh, people are also rooting for me. So I feel like that just kind of that connection was probably healing factor, because you can go to therapy, you can read books, but when you're in a room full of women that have experienced abuse and we never talk about like specific of abuse because you're not, you know there is no comparison when abuse abuses abuse but when you're in a room full of women that have all had something horrible happen to them, I just feel like there's such a deeper connection and understanding about like why you do the things that you do.

Ciera: 15:39

And there was probably, like I would imagine, like a mutual respect for everyone in the room, just that you're all there and you all took that step to go to that retreat. I know I would respect you, everyone who goes there. Anyone who applies. I'm like, yes, like you're doing. You're doing something hard.

Kim: 15:55

Yeah, for sure. And now that even you mentioned applying, there's there's so many stories that I've heard of women that they say, oh, I applied three times and I chickened out the first two and I finally went on the third, like if applying is a big step for you, just apply. Just apply and see what happens. Do whatever you can to. You know, get yourself there, even if it's not the first time you apply. But because it is, that that's a huge step for some people and for me I was just like, oh yeah, I'm gonna apply and go. You know, but other people it's so much harder Because again you're, you're admitting that this did happen to you and that you're going to do something about it.

Ciera: 16:33

You mentioned that you went. You applied for the retreat and you went to the retreat but you kind of felt like I'm, I'm healed, like I don't feel like I really like need to like go for this, for like the healing thing. But you were intrigued and so you went. Anyways, do you feel like, after you were there, or I guess what, at what point in your whole journey, do you think that you realize like, oh, I actually have a lot more healing to do? Was it at the retreat or was it later on, like you had said?

Kim: 17:01

I would say later on. I feel like my mindset at the retreat was still like I'm going to be strong for other people, like I'm going to help them. And it's funny that I say that now, because my nickname at the retreat was like the rock, like I was the rock of the retreat, like everyone kind of leaned on me type thing and and they're just like I don't like, how are you so put together if you like you seem so like normal, like they, like people said that to me and I was just like, well, I've done a lot of healing, like I think I said that. But now I'm like, oh my gosh, I was such a fraud, not really. But I really think that that was kind of like a good introduction for what I needed, because everything was kind of so hush, hush like even like like I had told my husband about abuse but he didn't know who, he didn't know, like I mean it was, it was just something I didn't talk about, and so I feel like that was a good opportunity for me to be like hey, I went to this retreat, like I got support, and then since then I've been able to share with more and more people. So I feel like that was kind of like planting the seed, but I would say probably I really started to notice I really needed more help and healing after having kids and seeing how much it just affected my whole life, and especially the past year and you know, and after just last October when I just feel like my life crumbled to pieces, that's when I was like you know what everything's linked back to this trauma and until I heal that and kill back those onion layers, like I'm never going to be able to like fully embrace life and be happy. And so that's kind of where I've been.

Kim: 18:49

In the thick of that, last October I had a series of things in my life happen and it really brought up the pain and triggers and trauma all to the surface. I would kind of shut them down for over 20 years at Reservice and I found a trauma therapist that I've been working with for nine months and going every single week. It's been one of the best and hardest experiences I've ever had to do. Digging up memories and events and learning how to process and heal them is exhausting. You can think of it like decluttering a pantry Everything must come out first and then you can slowly put things back together. You can toss things that don't belong. You can reorganize it whatever you need to better serve you. I've had to learn to put myself first and, as I'm recovering, people please your God is really hard work and it takes a lot of time and patience.

Kim: 19:38

I've had to remove toxic people from my life and cut out triggering events or get togethers and do what's best for me in my healing. I'm grieving the childhood I didn't get to fully experience. I've been mad, I've been angry, bitter, sad, confused, and that's all a part of healing. There's no time limit to healing. It's a lifelong journey. I'm always going to live with what happened to me and my life will never be the same. But I'm a fighter. I always have been. I've really had no other choice. I hope that my healing journey will get easier and I have hope that it will. Mason Sawyer says in his podcast life is 10% about what happens to you and 90% about how you respond. Right now, I'm really focusing on that 90%. I'm here to take something that broke me and make it to a strength so that I can help others.

Kim: 20:22

Some books that have really helped me with my trauma healing is the book what Happened to you by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perry. I really loved this book because it really talked about instead of saying what's wrong with me, what's wrong with me, I'm crazy, what's wrong with me? It goes and says it's not about what's wrong with you, it's about what happened to you. What happened to you is why you do these things, and I feel like I really resonated with a lot of things from that book. Another book is the Body Keeps the Score. That one's a little bit more heavy, but it talks a lot about trauma and what it does to the body. And another book that I really like is called the Myth of Normal by Gabor Mateo. He talks a lot about how childhood trauma affects your life and your brain, and that one was really helpful to me as well.

Kim: 21:13

Going to trauma therapy has probably been the biggest thing for me and giving myself space and just time to just be. I really unplugged from social media a lot over the past year. I've kept to my schedule, clear and not overloaded. I focused on my body and my nutrition and I've had to say no to anything that really doesn't serve or uplift me. And no, that's not selfish, it's just so critical to my healing and processing what I've been through. If you are a woman survivor of childhood sexual abuse, go online to the Saprea's website and look into it. This is a completely free retreat. All you have to do is get yourself to the look, and if you can't even do that, I know that there are sponsors that help with flights to get you to this retreat. You deserve healing and this is a wonderful way to start or continue your healing journey.

Ciera: 22:00

Thank you, kim. I think even if you help one person, all this is worth it, but in the end, maybe this is even talking it through can be helpful to you. Even I have so much respect for Shalene Maxwell. She's the one who founded Saprea. She's an incredible human. I've had the opportunity to meet her in person a couple times and she has a heart of gold. She really does, and I just admire her so much in the mission that she's doing and all of the lives that she is affecting. Thank you so much for sharing a little part of your story and I just wish you the best of luck on your healing journey. I know you have a lot of support and love around you and you can do it. You can do hard things.

Kim: 22:43

Thank you so much for having me, and I hope every survivor out there can find support and heal from something that they should have never had to experience. Don't give up. Keep fighting. You're a warrior and your future self will thank you. Don't wait until you've completely healed to do something you've been wanting to try. You can do hard things and you're not alone.

Ciera: 22:59

Thanks for listening. Connect with me on Instagram at Confidently Beautiful podcast and share this episode with someone in your life who could use a little reminder of just how amazing they already are. Stay confidently beautiful.