Next Level Play Therapy: A Podcast for Play Therapy Excellence

Should Parents Participate in Play Therapy Sessions?

• Cathi Spooner, LCSW, RPT-S • Episode 88

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How many of you have had this happen with play therapy clients (raise your virtual hand in the Comments) –


You greet your client in the waiting room and your client looks at you with an eager face and asks, “Can my mom/dad come with us?” 🙄 Or …


When you meet with parents for the first time and they ask you why you only meet with their child.  Why don’t they get to join the sessions?  They want to know what you’re doing with their child.  😬  Or …


You know that parents are important in play therapy because you’re a firm believer in helping children establish strong attachment relationships, so you include parents in the session with no real plan or direction and it ends up feeling awkward and doesn’t go well.


This is the ongoing dilemma in play therapy – 


Do you or don’t you include parents in play therapy sessions?


Can play therapy be successful without parent engagement and what does parent engagement look like?


Join me for this week's podcast episode. I’ll also share 5 tips for improving successful outcomes when integrating parents in play therapy.


So make sure to join us and pass on the information to your colleagues to share the love.  🤩



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Cathi Spooner:

Welcome to Next Level Play Therapy. A weekly podcast dedicated to supporting the next generation of child and adolescent therapists to provide exceptional play therapy services. We'll explore all things play therapy to elevate your work with children and adolescents using the therapeutic powers of play. I'll discuss practical tips and ideas so you can provide a transformative experience for your young clients and make a real difference in their lives. So get ready to take your play therapy skills to the next level and make a lasting impact in the lives of children, adolescents, and families. Hey there. Welcome to this week's episode of Next Level Play Therapy, and today I wanna talk about a question that comes up all the time in the Play Therapy Circles comes up in my play therapy training. It comes up in my consultation programs. Play Therapy Elevation Circle is my new membership. And then, um, my consultation program for those who really, it's typically for people who want to pursue their RPT credential, and that's Play Therapy Academy. Not everybody in Play Therapy Academy is joining or pursuing their RPT credential. They just want a whole lot of support. So thi this question comes up a lot and those consultation programs. And that is, do I or don't I include parents in play therapy sessions. So I'm sure you've had this happen. You have walked out to the lobby and you're client with their cute little face says to you, can my mom come? Can my dad come in the session? Can they come with us? In your head, you're a split second having to make a decision. Or maybe you've had this happen where you are meeting with parents, you're doing your diagnostic intake session, uh, session where you're gathering all the information, you're explaining about play therapy, and they look at you with a skeptical eye when you explain how you provide your play therapy services and say, well, what are you doing in there? You mean I can't be in the session? And then you instantly hear that kind of underlying, I'll say accusation. I don't think it's really accusation, but I don't have a better word right now. Uh, concern, skepticism, or. Uh, parents heightened alarm, like, what the heck are you doing in that session? I would say that that one doesn't happen as much as walking out to the playroom and having a parent, uh, client say, can my, can my mom come in? Can my dad come in? Can my brother come in? Can my sister come in? They want their siblings to come in. Or maybe they, they, their little friend is coming and they're waiting out in the waiting room and they say, can my friend come in? All the things that tend to happen when you're a play therapist. So, so if that's happened to you, or maybe you have thought, I know parents are important and I wanna figure out how to involve them in the play therapy process. And maybe you include them in the session and it's awkward and you're regretting your decision thinking, oh my gosh, maybe I shouldn't have done that. That one's so terrible. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Usually when we talk those things through in our consultation meetings, we kind of figure out one, what was at the root of that? What was going on, and then what do we need to do and what is that gonna look like? And so that to me is the purpose for today's livestream episode, podcast episode. For those of you who are listening to the audio version of this. That's the purpose of this conversation, to kind of help you think about what needs to be considered when you're deciding yes or no to the question of are parents going to be involved in the play therapy session? So that's what we're talking about today. If you're joining me live, I would love to know who's here. Um. Say hello. In the comments post your name, where are you from? What population do you work with? If you're watching on the replay, I would still love to see who's watching, say hello, what population, all the things. If you're listening on the podcast, I would love it if you would leave a, a review if you find the episode helpful. Then I'd love for you to leave a review. Gives me lots of good feedback. Also, feel free to pop over to Instagram at Renewing Hearts training. Send me a message. I would love to hear from you what was helpful. What are your thoughts? You know, how do you handle these situations? So. Before we do that though, I, before we jump into that, I want to, um, say something about the events of the last week. I try to say this without crying to be actually, but I can't guarantee I'm not gonna tear up a bit. Um, I've, I have. I've gone back and forth in my head over the last week. What am I gonna do today? Am I gonna say something? Am I not gonna say something? I feel like in order to be in integrity, I, I need to say something that has been happening in the mental health community that has actually been breaking my heart and that is engaging in the same rhetoric of the person who murdered. Another human being for their ideas, whether or not you agree with them or don't agree with them, I think mental health professionals need to be part of the healing process. I don't think we need to be celebrating the death of another human being over his ideals that may not align with your political ideology. I, I have been heartbroken by some of the comments that I have seen posted online, continuing the same rhetoric accused by a murderer. I don't think as mental health professionals, that's who we are. And so I, I just wanted to encourage all of us to be part of the healing. And not engage in rhetoric that perpetuates hate. We can have differences of opinions. We don't have to engage in hate, so that it's been breaking my heart lately. I wanted to give a nod out to the New York Association for Play Therapy and jody Mullen who have issued a hope challenge, being a hope detective, and that is going online and posting what things that are, give you hope, that make you look at the world and find the good. To find the healing, find ways for us to move past I call the poison that seems to be infecting our, I would say, our profession. So that's just all I wanted to say on that. I, I'm gonna end with one thing. Uh, if you're gonna call me a white supremacist, that kills me because that happened on Instagram. If you're gonna call me a white supremacist, a white nationalist, or a racist. Don't bother. I will delete your comments. You just validate my point. I don't want you in my circles. Please disconnect from me. I have no tolerance for that. You cannot call me a white supremacist or a white nationalist or a racist because I ask you to engage in healing, not hate. It just proved my point to be completely honest. So yes, that one hurts. It does. I'm human. And to call me that vile name is unconscionable, so don't bother posting. I'll delete it. You'll prove my point. I think it's time for us to be part of the change. So that's all I'm gonna say about that. For those of you have remained and haven't cut me out yet, I'm gonna move on to the topic that we have, which is attachment. It's relationship, it's connection, right? And we want to facilitate that in families. We wanna facilitate that for our clients. So I am going to the topic for today. Oh, I wanted to, it's somebody posting on YouTube. So Renee from Oklahoma welcome. Currently working on my RPT as I work with show. Oh, that's so awesome. In the native community. Sorry. I was, I was impressed by the work that you're doing and I just think that is so awesome. Um, thank you, Renee. That did, that gives me hope.'cause what I'm finding is, as we have the courage to speak up, we're finding others like me who hate drama, who hate, hate the ickiness. And so we tend to stay quiet. And not say something, but Renee says, totally agree with their statement about mental health professionals to not engage in the same tone as someone with who, uh, we have differing opinions. Yes. Thank you for that. Gives me hope, so being a hope detective. Thank you, Renee. Alrighty. So the topic that we are discussing today is, should parents participate in play therapy sessions? It's for those of you who have remained, oh, there's another person. Uh, on Instagram. I work with children and families at a homeless shelter. That's so awesome. I did that for a while too when I was in Virginia helping to get a play therapy program off the ground. It, it, it was an interesting model that we ended up developing because of the nature of the, um, agency, what, you know, the, the population we were working with. But that is awesome and doing, repairing some of that, that attachment security for children who have experienced homelessness and some of the kind of trauma that comes along with that. I think that's awesome. So. Yes. So that's what we are talking about today. Should parents participate in play therapy sessions? I think it's helpful to go through kind of a pros and cons when you're trying to figure out whether or not to include parents, because making a decision in the, in the, in the waiting room in a split second, based on seeing your client's cute little face and their sweet little voice, um we need to be intentional about our decision making. And so let's first look at the benefits of including parents in play therapy sessions. We call these the pros. If we're doing a pros and cons list, these would be some pros to think about. What are the benefits of including parents in the play therapy sessions and I, I would say strengthening attachment relationships, right? To improve resiliency and self-concept to settle their little neuro systems. Um, we know that children who have secure attachment relationships with their parents thrive. They develop the, um, ability to tolerate distress. They develop what I would say cons, conceptualizes, wider windows of distress tolerance. Um, so perfect example of this would be, I can't tell you how many times over the last couple of decades. I have found when I include parents in play therapy sessions to address pretty significant emotion dysregulation issues where the child is tantruming maybe every day, several times a day, or several times a week, several times a day they're tantruming and you know. Throwing things, smashing of teeth, saying angry things to their parent, like, I hate you. You're the worst mom. You're the worst dad. Which, you know, stick a knife in my heart when, if I'm a parent. That's got to be a hard thing to hear. And so parents don't know what to do. They, and they're bringing their child who is getting in trouble at school, or maybe they're fine at school and they're not doing well at home. Parents are feeling overwhelmed and lost, and they're worried about their child and so they are bringing them to therapy. And I, I can't tell you how many times at some point when I begin to include parents in the play therapy sessions and we, we use my attachment focus family play therapy model. And we work on that attachment relationship. We help, uh, parents learn some attachment based, uh, approaches or things to do to co-regulate and, and kind of help their child down, like downregulate their, their nervous system. Um. It has made a huge, huge, huge difference. So I think that's one of the, the benefits is that we can strengthen that attachment relationship, um, to help children use their parents for co-regulation. So, KMT Webster says, I would love a resource about attachment focused. Plan. Oh, that's great. Well, I stay tuned because I'll be talking about that a little bit. Um, at the end, I have a training coming up. It's virtual and in person about attachment focused family play therapy. I also have a book called Attachment Focused Family Play Therapy. This one's focused on trauma, so this one might be a good one for you because a lot of times that. Experience of homelessness is pretty traumatic and, and I think it's pretty, um, typical to find generational histories where there's been some trauma and attachment issues in the family system. Not always, but I think it happens a lot. So anyways, I will talk more about that. Another, uh, benefit of integrating parents into the play therapy session is you, I find that treatment outcomes are better and faster. There was a study done, I think it was in the early two thousands, actually by D Ray and some other play therapists. I, I mentioned it in my book. Um, I, I forgot the year offhand. Anyways, they looked at the effectiveness of play therapy and one of the things that they found in the study was when parents are involved in their child's play therapy treatment, the outcomes are better. I would also say we can get there faster because what we're doing is we're helping parents become the therapeutic agents of change for their child, and they're gonna be in their child's life way longer than you're gonna be in their child's life. So if we can shift those relationship interaction patterns in that family system. I would even, I would even advocate to say that we can shift them for generations then, then that's a win-win, I think by including them in the, in the treatment process. And I can't tell you how many times. I've also found that at some point, especially when we're working with trauma or maybe we're working with anxiety or depression or. Or other things that when at, at some point when I begin to integrate parents and we do my attachment focused family play therapy model, what we find is children move fast. I find that that children move faster through the healing process because now they can use their parents. I would say also siblings. I have found that including siblings in the family play therapy session gives children a safety net of support when you can shift those dynamics within the family relationship. And so that, in that way we're looking at this through that family systems lens. I like integrating family systems and attachment theory and I, I think we create, um I. The ability for children to get better outcomes and to heal faster. I think I kind of also mentioned the third thing that I would say is it creates a safety net for children to be able to have resources for support throughout their life because children are gonna be part of their family system, hopefully we, we hope they stay connected and build strong support networks. There's also research that has been shown. I think I mentioned this one in a previous episode as well. This might have been. Maybe last year, I probably mentioned it in my book as well, but I can't recall it offhand right now. Um, but there, there have been studies that have shown, um, there was one study that looked at maternal depression and the, um, resiliency support of having older siblings kind of help out and connect and be that source of support within the family system as well, and how that helped children to develop some resiliency. So I, I think these sibling relationships are things that we often overlook and they can be really beneficial to include siblings. It is not uncommon. I get the whole family in there. Um, there might be a ton of people in there, but you get to see in real time what is going on. And I think that's the other benefit that you get to see for yourself what is going on in the sessions. So if you have parents who say, well, I did that, it doesn't work, or You're still getting those phone calls in between the sessions of everything that's going wrong and you feel that pressure to fix it fast, and you've made the suggestions, well, I've done that. It didn't work. Then why don't you just get 'em all in there? Use a plan I, and we will talk more about that. It's, you need to have a plan, you need to use a framework. What does your theoretical model say? I'll go over that in some of the tips. Um, but, you get a better sense of what is going on in that family system. Can't tell you how many times I've had parents say, well, they, they just hit each other. Talking about the children, the siblings, they're just saying mean things or hitting and pushing. You know, and the, and the fear, of course, rightly so, is that pa the, the siblings are gonna hate each other and they're not gonna have relationships when they get older. And then we get in there and we do family play therapy sessions, and I find out, well, they actually do like each other, I mean. The other things yes, need to be addressed. And I find out, wow, they, they really like each other. And I see the kindness show up towards the sibling that maybe yesterday drove them bonkers and they, they weren't being so kind to each other right. Um, but if you wanna see what is going on in real time and have a better sense. Then including parents and I would include siblings in the sessions, will give you an idea of what is going on and how to help this client make some real progress healing. So those are the benefits. Um, I wanna move on to the drawbacks, or we'll call these the cons. Of including parents in play therapy sessions. So some, one of the, one of the drawbacks is that children don't have their own space for healing when they're struggling. And that's, that's the benefit of individual play therapy sessions, is that you can really provide that space for the child to, to go to a deeper level of healing internally. Right? So that, um, intrapsychic healing to pull out one of my big fancy therapy words. Um, the other drawback might be is that parent able to be a secure attachment figure for their child. Here's the thing, just because a child does not want their parent in the session doesn't necessarily mean they can't be a secure attachment figure. Just means you have some things to work through. There are some parents though, or some adult figures or even some siblings. That, that maybe are not able to be in the session. Maybe there's been trauma or abuse or neglect. Um, or maybe there's, you know, you have to work on creating a little bit of healing for the child and do some work with the parent, and then through that process you can kind of figure out is this parent able to be what the child needs in terms of developing a more secure attachment. I would say it doesn't happen as often as play therapists think it will happen, and I will say it does happen. So we, we have to be intentional and definitely need to think that one through about safety because you're not gonna be able to f facilitate any safety, any healing, unless there's a sense of safety in the sessions. The other drawback might be that you don't have a framework. Most play therapy trainings focus on the individual client for individual sessions. And I think what I wanna challenge people is including parents in the play therapy session, isn't. Individual therapy plus another person. When you integrate parents or sibling and or siblings in the play therapy session, you've moved out of an individual therapy model and the, and the way in which you, um, work with children and families in a session. You can't just use an individual lens, an individual therapy lens, you need to shift to either an attachment lens and what would that attachment lens look like? Or using a family systems lens or like me, I use, I mold those two together and integrate those two into an attachment and family systems lens. So you. If you're, if you're going to include parents and or siblings in the family in the session with their child, what I would say is you need a model. You need to have some training to, um, to, to learn a framework into the play therapy session. Don't just include them in there and wing it and hope it goes well. If you, maybe it'll go well. Most of the time it does not. I can say that from personal experience, and I can say that from talking to hundreds of play therapists. So those are the pros and cons. So those are the things you wanna think about if you're deciding yes or no. Do I wanna include parents or siblings? If you decide yes, here are some tips to think about for including parents in play therapy sessions. First thing is get clear on the purpose for parents in the session and what you want to achieve. I the previous two episodes, livestream episodes. Or, or podcast if you want. I talked a little more in depth about this, so you may wanna go back and either watch the replays. If you're watching on YouTube, just go on my YouTube channel. If you're watching on LinkedIn, it's probably easier to go over to my YouTube channel as well. And that, um, Cathi Spooner renewing hearts. Click on the live tab and you'll see all of my livestream replays on there. Um, so you may wanna go back and, and listen to some of those. The second tip is. Meet with parents first. Have some conversations. Explain what you're gonna be doing, explain their role, explain your role, explain the purpose, explain um, how you think this will benefit their child, because that's the reason we're doing it right, is to benefit the child. But first, explain all of that and what is that gonna look like. And you're also gonna want to explain the model that you're using and, and what, what they're, what they're gonna be doing and what you're gonna be doing in the session. Otherwise, it's really awkward. Um. They may say something, they, you might explain all of that, and they may show up in ways that don't represent their best selves when they're, when they're, uh, managers, right. Their protectors get engaged to use an IFS terminology. That's what we're there for, to help. Again, you know, we're not. So let me clarify that. We're still mandated reporters. We still, we, you know, if the child is not safe, we suspect abuse. We have to report that. Most of the times parents show up with their messy selves. They're relying on us to help them and it we can help them. If they trust us, we can help them facilitate that shift and use different kinds of parenting approaches, but first we need to help them understand that's the purpose of the session, they're gonna practice some skills that you're gonna be teaching them in the sessions and also outside of the play therapy sessions. But first you have to help. You have to help them understand all of that, and then you're gonna practice it in the sessions. The third thing is really thinking about parents as your partner. You want parents to see you as somebody who's gonna be supporting them and not judging them. In order for them to feel supported and not believe you are judging them, even if you are not, they still worry about that because this is hard. They feel like failures most of the time. I feel like a failure sometimes as a parent. I, I mean that's, it's hard. Parenting is hard. So we want to help them understand that we see them as a partner, and we want to use a model that's going to engage them as a partner, and your play therapy model is going to influence that. The key is helping to establish that trust with parents where they see you as somebody who's there to help them so that their child can heal. The fourth thing is you can use the play therapy sessions to teach parents skills and help to change those attachment patterns, those interaction patterns. So what is that gonna look like depending on your play therapy model that might look different ways. If you are using Gestalt play therapy, that model allows for looking at the child in context, and you can use Gestalt play therapy for integrating parents and siblings in the play therapy session. I would say that's true also for Adlerian Play therapy. If you're using Thera Play, then you're just gonna be having the one parent in there, so it might look a little bit different. All of those models though, you're gonna be helping parents to strengthen their relationship with their child. And you're probably also teaching some skills to parents and helping parents teach skills to their child that can be used outside of the play therapy session. And then the final tip is, um, your play therapy model is your theoretical GPS system, so to speak. Your play therapy model is what, um, influences how you conceptualize the problem. So what are you seeing at the root of the problem that's causing this to continue and what are the patterns going on? Your play therapy model is gonna influence how you how you conceptualize that. And then also it's gonna show you what to do. Your play therapy model is going to show you in each stage of play therapy, what's your role? What's parents' role? What are you accomplishing in each stage? What does that look like? So that when you're choosing the play therapy strategies and activities of what you're going to be doing in the session, you're gonna be aligning that with your play therapy model, and you're gonna be thinking about what activity you're gonna do in what stage of the play therapy process. So you wanna have a play therapy model that is gonna guide you in how you are integrating parents. And I would even say, um, siblings in play therapy sessions. So that is it for today. Let me do a quick recap and, and basically the recap is. If you are thinking about are you gonna include parents or not include parents, or I would even say siblings in play therapy sessions, then it's really important to be intentional about the process, being clear about why parents or siblings are in that session. What is it you hope to accomplish? What are you working on? What is their role? What is your role? All the things, and you're gonna go through that kind of pros and cons process to help you decide whether or not to include parents or family members in the play therapy sessions and, and who and what is that gonna look like. And then also when, if you've decided to include parents or siblings in the play therapy sessions, be clear about those expectations, roles, and aligning their involvement with your play therapy model. So, um, KMT Webster says, how can we contact you via email? I'd love to reach out and learn more about future trainings. Well, thank you for that awesome segue.'cause I am about to say that. Um, so if you're interested in the training. Pop over to my website. There's other resources on there as well. Other information. I have some other trainings on there as well. If you're interested, um, pop over to my website at rh play therapy training.com. That's RH play therapy training.com. It's renewing hearts play therapy training. Um, you can look on the training page right now. I, I have a training coming up called Attachment Focused Family Play Therapy. It's a, it's either, you can either attend virtually or in person. It'll be in beautiful St. George, Utah. Um, it's November 8th and it's a Saturday and it's um, I

think it's 9:

00 AM to four 30. PM Mountain Time, 'cause Utah's in Mountain Time. If you're interested, the link will post the link in the comments, but you, if you're on Instagram, you can click on my bio. Should be a link in there as well. Or you can pop over to my website. Um, so if you're interested in play therapy, I mean, uh. Attachment focused family play therapy. Um, registration is open now. There you can take advantage of the early bird pricing. We just opened registration this week. Also, um, it, if you're interested, 'cause I always think it's awesome that we take trainings. I think it's awesome to have a community of play therapists that we can meet with and connect with to help us apply those skills. I, I Play Therapy. Elevation Circle is my new membership that I created for people who really wanna connect and get support. So we take the trainings. I definitely think we need the trainings. I also think it's really helpful to have a community to help us apply those. Right now, if you wanna get on the wait list for Play Therapy Elevation Circle, then you can pop over to my website as well. Click on the link to to get onto the wait list. Um, I closed it off. We're gonna be changing over to a new platform that's gonna allow a lot more inter interaction. So when I reopen enrollment, um, in January, I'll open it back up. Then it'll be on our new platform and people will be able to connect more so. So that's it for today. I have a great day, um, and I will see you next week. Bye for now. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Next Level Play Therapy. I hope you found the discussion valuable and gained new insights and ideas to support your work helping children, adolescents, and families feel. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. Your feedback helps to improve and reach more people who can benefit from this information. Remember. Play therapy is a powerful tool for healing and growth. Whether you're a new play therapist or experienced, I encourage you to continue your learning journey to unlock the potential of play in your own work in relationships. If you have any questions or topics, suggestions for future. I'd love to hear from you. Connect with me on social media and visit my website at Renewing Hearts Play Therapy Training to stay updated on upcoming episodes, trainings, and resources. Thank you once again for listening to Next Level Play Therapy. Until next time, keep playing, learning and growing.