The #1 Mistake Play Therapists Make on Parent Calls

Getting frantic phone calls from parents about meltdowns, outbursts, and behavior problems is a stressful reality for play therapists. 

When a parent says, “My doctor (or therapist) said play therapy isn’t working,” it’s easy to feel the weight of responsibility to fix everything immediately.

In this week’s podcast episode, Cathi Spooner of Renewing Hearts Training teaches you how to handle these "dreaded" calls with confidence, even when you don't have all the answers yet. 

You’ll learn how to shift from being an "answer-giver" to a "container-holder," building trust and maintaining clinical authority.

In this podcast, we cover:

• Step 1: Regulate First – Why one intentional breath changes your nervous system and the entire tone of the call.
• Step 2: Validate Before You Explain – The #1 mistake therapists make when parents say therapy isn’t working.
• Step 3: Honest Uncertainty – How to name what you know (and what you don’t) to actually strengthen a parent's confidence in you.

Stop navigating these challenging clinical moments alone. 

Learn how to transform stressful phone calls into opportunities for deeper clinical connection.

Ready to stop feeling isolated and alone as a play therapist and get access to feedback and support?

If you want to move from knowing these steps to executing them with a community of play therapists backing you up, check out the Play Therapy Elevation CIRCLE. Something exciting is coming soon—don’t miss out!

Join the waitlist for Play Therapy Elevation CIRCLE and be the first to know when enrollment opens: https://www.rhplaytherapytraining.com/f/ptec-waitlist

Connect with Cathi: www.rhplaytherapytraining.com

#PlayTherapy #ChildTherapy #ParentConsultation #TherapistTips #MentalHealthProfessionals #CathiSpooner #RenewingHeartsTraining

Join my free Facebook Community Play and Expressive Arts Therapy Playground.

Check out my free resources for mental health professionals working with children, adolescents, and families who want to integrate play therapy and expressive arts into their clinical work.

I work with individuals and agencies to develop successful strategies and meet the treatment needs of your child and adolescent clients and their families using play therapy & expressive arts.

Contact me to schedule a free 30-minute video call if you're ready to level up your skills

Transcript

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Welcome to Next Level Play Therapy, a weekly podcast dedicated to supporting the next generation of child and adolescent therapists to provide exceptional play therapy services. We'll explore all things play therapy to elevate your work with children and adolescents using the therapeutic powers of play. I'll discuss practical tips and ideas so you can provide a transformative experience for your young clients and make a real difference in their lives. So, get ready to take your play therapy skills to the next level and make a lasting impact in the lives of children, adolescents, and families. Welcome to this week's episode of Next Level Play Therapy. Today, we're gonna talk about something that comes up all the time. If you are working with children and adolescents, you know by now that you're gonna have to figure out how to work with parents. What I hear a lot of times is play therapists say, "Oh, I wish I could only work with the kids. I don't like working with the parents." And when I explore that a little further, and we go a little deeper on it, I would say I'll be conservative and say nine times out of 10, but to be honest, it's usually 10 times out of 10. If you're working with kids, reality is you have to figure out how to work with parents. Some parents are easier than others, and some are not. Some have a lot more complexity to them. And if you're working with kids and adolescents, you're working with the parents and you're working with the family system. That is the reality of the situation, and it's the thing that I think causes the most stress and anxiety for play therapists is working with parents and taking those parent phone calls. So getting those frantic phone calls from parents telling you their child is having meltdowns, there are behavior problems, and it's always stressful, and they don't know what to do, and they are telling you because really they want you to fix it and fix it fast. And so when sometimes you'll hear… I'd be curious if you guys can relate to what I'm about to say. So let me know in the comments or if you're, if, so if you're watching on the live stream episode on YouTube, in my Facebook group, or LinkedIn, or if you're watching here on Instagram, let me know in the comments or send me a message. Private message me. If you're listening on the podcast, pop over to my Instagram channel, follow me, and post a comments,'cause we always post the episodes in there. Or message me. Has this ever happened to you?"My doctor says," or my ultimate favorite, not really, this is me being sarcastic, "My therapist says play therapy isn't working." Talk about feeling undermined as a play therapist when you've never even had a phone call with that doctor or that therapist can be really disheartening. It can be frustrating. It can feel undermining. Ultimately, my guess is that the, those other professionals, one, it's a clear indication they don't really understand play therapy, or two, they're experiencing the same thing you are, which is that parent who is stressed out and overwhelmed and scared about their child, and understanding that if this doesn't get better, that their child is gonna really, really struggle. So it's easy for you though, just like I think probably for those other professionals, it's easy to feel the weight of that in the moment and feel like you have to do something fast, because after all, you're the expert and you should know things, so you feel that responsibility to fix it fast So if that's you and you can relate to any of this, or you dread parent phone calls, or you struggle with parent phone calls, then stay tuned. This episode is for you, and I'm gonna talk about three steps that you can use on these parent phone calls, I call them the, the crisis 911 phone calls, and learn how to be more effective with those so that, that you can build trust with them and keep them engaged. Because the ultimate fear that play therapists have is that parents are gonna not trust you, they're not gonna believe in play therapy, and they're gonna pull their kid from play therapy, which will have meant in your mind that you failed and that you failed the client, you failed yourself, and everything is your fault. I am here to tell you the likelihood that is true is not very high, which to me is why you need to have a play therapy community. We talk about this all the time in my online, um, communities. Play Therapy Academy is the higher level skill building, deep dive skill building, and, uh, um, membership, and then we also have Elevation Circle, which is an online community to provide support, not feel so isolated, and have some people to think alongside with you. Um, so we, we, this comes up all the time in our community discussions, so that's why I thought it would be a helpful podcast episode or live stream episode, because it does come up so often. And I think doing this work in play therapy, it can feel like you're the only play therapist, and a lot of times you are, and so it can feel very isolating, which is then gonna contribute to you second-guessing yourself. So if that's you and you are looking for some more support, stay tuned to the end. I am gonna talk about, um, Play Therapy Elevation Circle, and enrollment is opening up next month, so I'll talk to you a little bit more about that if you're interested, and also talk about Play Therapy Academy too. So stay tuned. Today, we are talking about the number one mistake play therapists make on parent phone calls. Put, uh, "me too" in the comments if this feels like you, or honestly, some people don't like to put things in the comments, but feel free to message me. I always like connecting with people. I think that's one of the nice things about the internet these days, um, is that we can connect with other people. In fact, on my email list, I always send out, uh, weekly emails about the new podcast episodes that are dropping, and I got, uh, an email from somebody, and we were able to have a conversation, which I always enjoy those. So when I say comment or message me, I actually mean it. I do like connecting with people who are play therapists and child a- and adolescent therapists in this therapy space. Um, alrighty, so N- step number one is regulate, regulate, regulate, regulate. Think co-regulation, 'kay? We're, we teach parents how to co-regulate, we teach parents what co-regulation is, why it's important, and then we teach them to do that with their kids. And here is what I have found my experience over the last almost 35 years, is that first and foremost, as a play therapist, we need to co-regulate parents. They need our help, they need our support, and we need to be able to do that, and what that looks like is co-regulation. So that includes those 911 phone calls, I would call them, the distressed, everything's going terrible, my child is melting down three times a day, they're failing school, they're arguing with their siblings all of the time, they don't listen or do anything I say, and they're telling me they hate me, they're throwing things. All those distressing things that get them upset, right? That they're worried. They're worried about their child. But here's the thing, you can't help anybody if you're not regulated first. So the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath. D- not, you don't have to do a dramatic one, but just take a deep breath. Get your mind settled, and be fully present in that, in that phone call, in that moment. You … That phone call, you are not fixing things. What you need to do is to be present, take that breath, remind your nervous system,"I'm the play therapist. They're scared. I can handle this. We can do this." That's the first thing you wanna do. Uh, check your, check your mindset. The thing that I find, um, is the most overwhelming is that we start to kind of quietly panic, and then we feel like we have to fix everything fast. That phone call is not for fixing That phone call is for feeling heard and then skelet- scheduling the parent consultation call. One, you don't wanna ref- reinforce that they're gonna have access to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week for all of those distress calls when you're not actually getting them to come in for the parent session. So you don't wanna reinforce the, the wrong thing, but you also need to be present for them, but the purpose in that moment is to help them feel heard, and then you're gonna shift it to getting, getting a parent consultation session that where you can go more in depth. The first thing you wanna do is recognize in that phone call, I don't have to diagnose what's going on. I don't even have to fully understand everything that's going on. That's not what this phone call is for, unless you're assessing for safety and do they need to be hospitalized. That's a, that's a different phone call, but even with those phone calls, these steps still work. So remind yourself you don't have to have all of the answers in this moment. This call isn't diagnosing or solving the problem. It's for listening, validating, and creating that container for that moment in time. The clinical problem-solving comes after. That comes in your parent consultation call. So if you're multitasking or you're doing something else right now, then I want you to hear this part because this first step sets the tone for the other steps. The first thing you need to do is take a breath. This phone call is not for fixing. This phone call is for validating, helping parents feel heard, helping them feel like you've got this, you've heard them, you've got this, and w- it's gonna get solved, but just not in that moment. That's why you're gonna schedule the parent phone call You have to remind yourself that you don't have to fix this in the next five minutes. You just have to help parents feel heard and understood right now. This shifts your role in that phone call from answer giver and fixer to container holder. That changes everything. That's your mindset shift that you need to have to help you accomplish that, build a little bit of trust, have a little more confidence yourself. If you're grounded in understanding what the purpose of this conversation is for, it's gonna help you feel a little more settled and a little more confident about what you need to accomplish in that phone call. And what you're not focused on accomplishing is fixing it in that moment. That's comes after. That comes in the parent consultation call, whether you schedule them to come in person to meet with you at your office, or if you're doing… If you do the parent consultation virtually, however you do it, then that's for later. Here's another thing that I would recommend for later. Make sure, if this is a two-parent household, both parents need to be in that consultation call. If you're getting these little crisis calls, distress, 911 calls between sessions, that means it's serious, and that means both parents need to be present. If parents are divorced and they're in a high conflict, then meet with the parent who's calling you. In that moment, if it's about, about a parenting issue, you're gonna get the phone calls for those, um, high-conflict divorce family situations. You're gonna get the phone calls about what the other parent is doing, and they kinda tell on each other, um, because they don't work together, and there's a lot of mistrust, hurt, fear, anger, betrayal. All the feelings, those get in the way of them working together. Some might be valid, some might not be valid That's not for you to fix in that phone call either. That's for you to decide if the parents can be together, great. If not, just meet with the parent who's calling and help them in a parent consultation meeting, and help them figure out how to navigate through that. But first and foremost, regulate yourself, take a breath, check your thoughts, focus on what is the purpose, what is the outcome of this phone call. That's gonna help you get settled, shift your mindset so that you don't feel the pressure to fix everything in that moment. Okay? Minds, deep breaths, mindset shift Second step. This one always takes me back to my DBT roots of validate, validate, validate, validate. And anytime you feel like the conversation is going a little rough, validate, validate, validate. It brings it right back down to calm. They feel heard and understood, and you can get back on track to get them to schedule that meeting with you. That is the purpose, feeling heard and understood, not fixing. To do that, it really does help to validate. That helps them feel heard and understood. And here's the thing, this is the step that most play therapists skip or you rush through because you feel like you have to fix it. You're trained to be the expert in the room and, um, sometimes it feels like if you try to fix it fast, it'll show that you're the expert because you know how to fix it, and that'll build trust. But the problem is, it doesn't always end up that way, and you end up spending hours on the phone, and you get these constantly because now you've just reinforced that you're gonna do free therapy between sessions and you're gonna get backed up with your progress notes. You're gonna feel overwhelmed. You're gonna start feeling burned out. You have got to protect your time. So the first thing you need to do in, uh, is mindset shift. Second step is validate. That, validate their concerns, and you don't have to fix it fast. So some- oftentimes what I hear that most play therapists are doing, a pa- a parent says,"My child's having meltdowns this week and I don't think play therapy is working." Right? That's the magic one. That hooks us every single time. The guilt and the pressure, we get hooked. Play therapy isn't working. So you, you gotta detach from that and not get sucked in. That is, that is a trigger hook. Don't get sucked in with that one So then because what happens then, you immediately going to try to fix it or trying to solve the problem and prove play therapy works. But then you spend hours on the phone for every crisis that comes along. It's not effective. It is, it is the playbook for burnout, and here's what happens. Start dreading working with that family, with that client. You're gonna start dreading those phone calls, and then you're gonna feel guilty about that maybe. Some people do, some people don't. Um, or start wishing… You know, you're gonna start thinking, "Oh, who can I refer this to, this client to? Maybe I'm not a good fit." All the things that we do when in fact it's a, it's, it's a shift in the way you're approaching the situation. That shift is just be a container in that moment, but don't spend a lot of time on the phone, 'cause that's not what this… That's not the pur- That's not the goal, the outcome that you're working towards in that moment. So you can validate their concern. You can validate their frustrations, all the things that make them feel heard and understood. But do not, if you don't take anything else away from this podcast, do not use this as a time to fix it. And if they say, "My doctor said play therapy's not working," or, "My therapist said play therapist isn't working," don't take the bait. Don't take the hook. Disconnect from that. You can work on that later. In that moment, in that phone call, your sole purpose is to help parent feel seen, help them feel understood, then schedule the parent session as quickly as possible. Yeah, and I'll even say, here's what I'll say sometimes. I'll validate, "Yeah, it sounds like it, he's having a really hard time, and it sounds like you're not sure what to do, and I totally get that. Parenting is really, really hard, and this is a longer conversation, so let's schedule a parent phone call. And here's when I'm available. Which of these dates and times work for you?" Easy peasy. You just have to do it though. I tell you, it will work. I, I've, I've used that strategy for decades, and it will work. And I use it because I did get burned out and I did start dreading, and then I had to have a little chat with myself about why, why am I feeling this way? Why am I dreading this phone call? Or what, what is … Why am I having such a strong reaction? And then I realize I haven't set boundaries. I have kind of reinforced something and I don't wanna reinforce, so I need, I need to shift this. And I will tell you it works. So the third step is, and this one can be the scariest for play therapists. I would say scariest for therapists in general, to be honest. This is the one that terrifies us the most because we've been trained, right? To be the expert, and you are. You are the expert. And just because you're the expert doesn't mean you know everything all the time for every situation 100% of the time. Th- there's no way possible, especially in a phone call, when you, when you haven't even been present for what's actually going on. You might have some understanding or some, I call them working hypothesis about what's going on, but in that moment, a, a lot of times I don't know what's going on, and I've been doing this a long time, and I don't always know what's going on. And the reality is I don't need to know in that moment. That's for later. We're going to get to that part, and we will figure it out. I have confidence about that. But the first thing I have to admit to myself is it's okay for me not to know. I can still be an expert And not know in that moment exactly what to do. And that is okay, and you need to give yourself permission for that to be true, because that's usually what gets us feeling like we have to fix it fast. So here's, here's what I've also learned. Parents don't need me to really fully have all the answers in that moment, in that phone call. What they need is to trust that I'm working on the answers, and that together we will figure it out. And that part is true. That part is that I am working on it, I am trying to understand it, and I don't have to fix it in this moment. I don't have to have all the answers in this moment, and I will figure it out. I will work with parents together. This is why partnering is critical. Together, we're gonna figure it out together And we will get there. And so, um, there's a, there's a specific way you can communicate that in a way that actually strength- strengthens their confidence in your ability to help them with this, rather than weakening it, and still admitting in the moment you don't know what is going on. So you can try something like, um, like some of the things that I'll say when I get those phone calls, I'll listen, I'll validate, I'll, um, and then I'll, I'll, I may something, say something like, "Yeah, I've been noticing that as well, and I've been keeping an eye on it. This is helpful information. This is a longer conversation. It's an important conversation, so this, so we need to schedule a, a parent session so we can figure this out. Here's when I'm available. Do any of these times work for you?" And that usually, one, it validates to them that I've heard them and I understood, and I understood the urgency, and that I'm also monitoring it, and I've been keeping an eye on it. Or if it's something that is totally out of the blue, and let's say sometimes I don't see any sign of that in the playroom, right? But here's the thing that also happens, and this is, this, I can't tell you how many times this happens with the kids who are diagnosed with oppositional defiant behavior, where, where parents will describe all of the oppositional things going on at home and at school, and in the playroom, they're these amazing little cherubic ch- Human beings who are a pleasure to hang out with. You don't see any of that. That happens a lot. Think about this. In the playroom, especially if you're using child-centered play therapy, they get to be in charge. What do kids with oppositional defiance want? They wanna be in charge. So but here's what you do. You also know, because you've been meet- meeting with parents, that they are struggling with these things at home. So they're actually happening, you just have to understand the different role. Sometimes they do show up in the playroom. Sometimes you get the room wrecks, right? Or the, the limit- limit testing. If that's the case, you can say that. You can say, "Yeah, I'm noticing some of that in the playroom. Sounds like there's a lot of that going on at home, and they haven't quite made that shift yet. So, um, let's schedule a parent session. This is a longer conversation. We need more time to really get into it and figure out what's going on. Here's when I'm available. Do any of these work for you?" I try to get to that as soon as possible, but that's not gonna work if you don't first validate and help them feel understood and create a little containment in that moment That's, that's what keeps them in the conversation. So you can, you can name what you know and name what you're exploring with them, but don't go into detail in that phone call. You don't have to have the full clinical picture in that moment to help them. So one of the things that you want to do also is you wanna normalize the process without dismissing it. So there's a difference between saying, "Oh, that's totally normal," which can feel dismissive, especially if it feels like you're not struggling as much in the playroom, and they're only struggling at home, which can feel like to parents like something's wrong with them or they're… You know what I mean? Like, that can feel really dismissive. There's a difference between that and saying something like,"This is something I've actively been thinking about, and I've been kinda watching for that, so this is helpful information. This is a longer conversation. Uh, let's, let's meet so we can have more dedicated time to really sort through this and figure out what's going on, and then we can come up with some strategies that, that are gonna help with this." I guarantee you, uh, well, there's always the outlier. But here's what I can say. I'm gonna rephrase that a little bit. Um, when I've done this, it's always been fine. And, and, and we do meet, and we do figure it out. It might take a couple of parent sessions, but that's why you wanna make sure you're having those parent sessions. So, um, and then you wanna kinda close with some clarity, and I'll usually do some validating."Glad you told me this. It actually helps. Let's plan on, you know, we're gonna talk about it some more." Um, the other thing that I would suggest is be- when you first get started with that very first session when you're first meeting with parents, you wanna make sure you explain how it works, how, how do they access you, under what circumstances are they gonna access you, how you're gonna respond to phone calls or emails or texts. I do not do therapy over text or email. I don't think that's a good practice to get into. I know it makes things feel easier in the moment, but from a clinical and ethical standpoint, it kinda sets you up, um, for some problems, and one of those problems being more clinical, that you don't wanna reinforce behavior that's not gonna help to get the outcomes that your client needs. So alrighty, well, that is it for today. Let me do a little recap. Today we have been talking about the number one mistake par- play therapists make on parent phone calls. Step number one is regulate first. Take that deep breath. You get regulated. That's gonna help you stay present. You need to shift your mindset. What is the goal of that phone call? The goal of that phone call is not to fix it in that moment. The goal of that phone call is to help parents feel heard and understood and validated. That will build some trust, and then as quickly as you can, get that parent session scheduled. And if you need both parents there, if there's a 911 call that you're getting, like distress, those distress calls, then that's important and that means things are not going well. Both parents need to be there. If it's a divorce situation and they don't get along, then the parent who's calling you. If it's a single parent, then it's the parent who's calling you. That's number one. Second, number two, step number two is validate. Validate before you explain anything. Validate, validate, validate. Here's the thing. Um, you, you can validate to help them feel heard and understood. You're not gonna fix it in that phone call. You can validate by saying and reassuring, "Yes, I've heard, you know, I've been monitoring this," or, um, "That's really helpful feedback, and this is a longer conversation. Wh- when can we schedule a parent meeting?" And then the third thing is you, you can be honest. Step number three, you can be honest and say, um, you know, "I, I've been kind of curious about that," or, "I've been wondering about that l- and we're working on this. Let's meet and have a longer conversation." So you, you can, you can, you can be Okay, not knowing the answer in that moment, and still have co- build confidence and trust because you're validating and you're holding the container, and then you're giving them what they need, which is, "We're going to figure this out. We're gonna figure it out together, and in order to do that, we have to schedule this parent session. And the sooner we get that parent session scheduled, the better, so we can get to it, because it is a longer conversation and it's an important conversation." And so I hope this has been helpful. Um, if you have found it helpful, please feel free to share it across your social media platforms. If you're following on YouTube, then feel free to subscribe. Hit that notification button so you get notified every time. Um, if you are listening on the podcast, I would love for you to leave a review. Give me your feedback, what's been helpful. Um, share your comments, share your thoughts. And that is it for today. I do wanna let you know, Play Therapy Elevation Circle is my online membership for play, play therapists who are tired of feeling isolated and alone, and feeling like they have to figure out everything by themselves. We have monthly consultation calls where you get not only my almost 35 years of experience, I kinda structure the phone calls, I mean, the, the consultation calls. We do the case conceptualization process to figure out what's at the root of the problem, why is it happening, and then what to do about it. And you get not only my almost 35 years of experience, you get the collective wisdom and experience of other play therapists in the, in the community on that phone call, on that consultation call, or in that book club meeting. We usually talk about clinical things in the book club meetings as well, reading play therapy specific articles or books. And then you don't have to read those alone either. You get people to think alongside with you about the information that you've read, and get ideas, practical ideas for what to do in the playroom. Because trying to figure it out alone can be exhausting, it can be overwhelming, and you second-guess yourself. You don't have anybody to say, "Yeah, I had that too. Here's what I did. I tried this." Or yeah, you may show up on a call and realize,"Oh, I have a client like that. I can use that with my client as well." So you don't have to do it alone Elevation Circle enrollment is opening next month. If you're interested, then get on the wait list so you can be the first to find out when it's opening. You'll also find out a little bit more about Elevation Circle, Play Therapy Elevation Circle. So you can pop over to my website at rhplaytherapytraining.com. That's Renewing Hearts Play Therapy training.com. If you go on the website, go on the supervision page, it'll walk you through what Play Therapy Elevation Circle is, what Play Therapy Academy is. You'll also see a link for Play Therapy Elevation Circle to join the wait list and get on the wait list, so do that today. Um, if you're kind of… If you want more skill building and you want more confidence of knowing how to use a play therapy model through every stage of play therapy, and you're interested in more of a deep dive and a, and a, a lot more support, then you probably would be interested in Play Therapy Academy. Space in that one's limited. We only have space in that one when people leave. Um, it's a much, much, much smaller group. If you're interested in that one, then schedule a 30-minute video call with me, and we'll see if it's a good fit. If you're not sure if Elevation Circle or Play Therapy Academy is, which one is a better fit, then schedule a video call with me, and we'll figure it out together. Um, so also we'll put links for those. We'll put links for Play Therapy Elevation Circle and links for Play Therapy Academy to schedule a 30-minute call. We'll put the links to join the wait list. We'll put those in the comments. Feel free to message me, um, or reach out to me if you have any questions, and I will see you next week. Bye for now Thank you for joining me on this episode of Next Level Play Therapy. I hope you found the discussion valuable and gained new insights and ideas to support your work helping children, adolescents, and families heal. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. Your feedback helps to improve and reach more people who can benefit from this information. Remember, play therapy is a powerful tool for healing and growth. Whether you're a new play therapist or experienced, I encourage you to continue your learning journey to unlock the potential of play in your own work and relationships. If you have any questions or topic suggestions for future episodes, I'd love to hear from you. Connect with me on social media and visit my website at Renewing Hearts Play Therapy Training to stay updated on upcoming episodes, trainings, and resources. Thank you once again for listening to Next Level Play Therapy. Until next time, keep playing, learning, and growing.