Boundaries That Don’t Backfire: Protecting Yourself With Heart

Boundaries That Don’t Backfire: Protecting Yourself With Heart

Have you ever set a boundary, only to feel guilty, misunderstood, or like you caused more conflict than peace?

In this episode of The Happya Life Podcast, Clare Deacon, positive psychology coach and trauma-informed therapist, explores why boundaries often backfire, and how to create ones that protect your energy without pushing love away.

Boundaries aren’t walls, ultimatums, or punishments. They’re living, breathing choices that evolve with you. Sometimes they mean saying “not right now,” sometimes they mean opening more space for connection. When led with heart, boundaries can become a source of safety, clarity, and self-trust, not fear.

🎧 Listen in and discover:

• Why boundaries feel so hard for women wired for care and survival mode
• The difference between flexible boundaries and being exploited
• How to protect your peace while staying open to love and support
• A guided grounding moment to help you embody your boundaries with calm

💛 Free gift: Why You Keep Saying Yes When You Mean No → happyacoach.com/boundaries

Next week: Trusting Yourself Again: Even After You’ve Broken Your Own Promises.

🌸 Let’s Stay Connected: Your Healing Journey Deserves Support

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🎵 Music by LemonMusicStudio

Transcript

Hello, and welcome back to The Happya Life Podcast. I’m Clare Deacon, positive psychology coach, trauma-informed therapist, nervous system educator, and the founder of Happya. I’m so glad you’re here.

Whether you’re squeezing this in between Zoom calls, listening while pushing a trolley through the supermarket, or finally sitting down after everyone else is in bed you made it. You chose to press play. You chose to connect. And that’s a big deal. Because today… we’re talking about the kind of boundaries that don’t just protect your time, they protect your soul.
 
 Today, we’re talking about something that might make your chest tighten and your jaw clench… but also something that can set you free. Boundaries.

And I don’t mean the cold, rigid kind. Not the “cut everyone off and call it healing” kind. Not the kind you throw down like a wall and dare someone to climb. Boundaries are not ultimatums. They’re not tests. And they’re definitely not punishment.

Think of them instead as a flow valve something you adjust, moment by moment, to protect your energy, your peace, your body, your growth. Sometimes, boundaries are about turning the volume down, taking in less so you can heal, reset, remember who you are. And other times, boundaries are about making more space, allowing in the support, love, rest, and nourishment you need but maybe forgot you deserve.

Boundaries are not about keeping everyone out. They’re about choosing, with intention, what gets in. What you’re available for. What serves your nervous system. What aligns with your values.

And here’s the thing no one talks about enough: your boundaries can change. They’re not carved in stone. They evolve with you. What was a hard “no” last year might be a gentle “maybe” today. What you welcomed before might feel too heavy now. That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom. That’s self-awareness.

The difference and this is key is who is adjusting them. When you choose to expand or contract your boundaries, that’s sovereignty. That’s care. But when someone else pushes past them without consent, or guilts you into giving more than you have that’s not flexibility. That’s exploitation. And the difference between the two is everything.

Boundaries aren’t black and white. They live in the greys. In the nuance. In the heart. And that’s what we’re here to explore today boundaries that honour your humanity.

Because let’s be honest, boundaries are hard. Especially when you’re wired for care. When you’ve spent years, maybe decades, being the reliable one. The peacemaker. The emotional sponge. The one who holds it all together, even when it’s breaking you.

And you’ve probably tried, haven’t you? You’ve read the books. You’ve followed the scripts. You’ve said “no” with shaky hands and a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes. And maybe it worked… for a minute. But then came the guilt. The pushback. The misunderstanding. The friend who ghosted. The partner who sulked. The boss who pushed harder. And somewhere deep inside, a whisper said: “See? It’s not safe to ask for what I need.”

And so you retreated. You softened your “no.” You offered compromises. You rationalised the discomfort. You told yourself, “It’s not that big a deal. I can handle it.”

But here’s what I want you to hear today: just because you can carry it doesn’t mean you should.

Boundaries are not about building walls. They’re about creating clarity. They’re not about shutting people out, they’re about inviting the right kind of connection in. The kind that’s honest. Respectful. Mutual. Safe.

And most of all, boundaries are about you. Your nervous system. Your energy. Your peace. Your capacity to show up as the most authentic, aligned version of yourself not the performance of a “good girl,” a “strong woman,” or a “team player.”

Now, let’s get real for a moment. Why do boundaries so often backfire?

It’s not because you’re doing them wrong. It’s not because you’re “too sensitive.” It’s because for many of us especially those of us with trauma histories or people-pleasing patterns setting a boundary can feel like a threat to our survival.

Think about it. If you grew up in a home where love was conditional… if you learned early on that being easy, helpful, agreeable meant being safe… then standing up for your needs now? It doesn’t feel empowering. It feels dangerous. It feels like you’re putting the relationship at risk. Like you’re inviting rejection. And your nervous system registers that as a threat. So of course you freeze. Of course you over-explain. Of course you cave when someone pushes back.

That’s not a flaw. That’s a protective pattern. One that helped you survive. But one that’s probably costing you now your time, your peace, your joy, your identity.

So if boundaries feel hard for you it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because your body is trying to keep you safe. And the more we understand that, the more compassion we can bring to the process of learning a new way.

Because that’s what this is a learning. Not a personality shift. Not a one-and-done decision. A practice. A rewiring. A remembering.

And yes, it gets messy. It will feel awkward at first. It will stir up discomfort, not just in you, but in the people around you who have benefited from your lack of boundaries.

Let me say that again, with love: not everyone will celebrate your growth. Especially if they’re used to the version of you who always says yes. The version who accommodates. Who absorbs. Who makes things easier for everyone else at her own expense.

And that’s okay. Your job isn’t to keep everyone comfortable. Your job is to honour your aliveness. Your job is to protect the version of you who’s finally, finally learning to come home to herself.

Let me tell you a story.

A while ago, I had a client we’ll call her Sarah who came to me completely burnt out. She was doing all the things parenting, work, volunteering, emotional support for her extended family, always available, always agreeable. But inside? She was empty. Resentful. Disconnected. And when we started talking about boundaries, she immediately said, “I’ve tried that. It doesn’t work. People get upset. They think I’m being selfish.”

And so, I asked her what if the problem isn’t that your boundaries are wrong… but that you were never shown how to hold them with heart?

See, what Sarah had tried were abrupt, reactionary boundaries, the kind you set when you’re already at capacity. The kind that come out sounding harsh or final because you’re trying to protect your last remaining nerve. And while those moments are understandable, they’re often met with confusion, resistance, or even conflict.

What we worked on together was learning to set boundaries before the breaking point. From a regulated place. With clarity, kindness, and consistency. And not just with others with herself. Because sometimes, the hardest person to hold a boundary with is the one in the mirror.

So let me ask you, gently: where are you saying “yes” out of fear instead of desire? Where are you hoping someone will read your mind, rather than speaking your truth? Where are you over-explaining to avoid discomfort, instead of simply saying what you need?

You don’t have to answer right now. Just let the questions land.

And while we’re here, let’s do a moment of grounding together.

If it’s safe to do so, soften your gaze. Let your shoulders drop. Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose… and out through your mouth.

Place one hand on your heart. One on your belly.

And just say to yourself, quietly:
 “I am allowed to have needs. I am allowed to take up space. I am allowed to protect my peace with love.”

Breathe that in.

Because here’s the thing. Heart-led boundaries aren’t just about saying no. They’re about saying yes to yourself. To your values. To your energy. To your capacity.

They’re about showing up in your relationships as a whole person not a depleted one. They’re about letting people love the real you, not the version of you that’s performing wellness while silently falling apart.

And yes, it takes courage. But courage doesn’t mean you don’t feel fear. It means you feel the fear… and choose integrity anyway. Integrity with your body. Your truth. Your wellbeing.

So no, this episode isn’t a crash course in boundary scripts. That’s not the work we do here. The “how” lives inside my coaching spaces like Blooming Happya where we go deep, gently, and practically. Where we unlearn the wiring of over-functioning and replace it with nervous system safety, emotional literacy, and actual tools for capacity building.

But what I hope this episode offers you is something even more important: permission.

Permission to want what you want.
 Permission to say no without apology.
 Permission to stop over-explaining.
 Permission to be misunderstood and still stay true to yourself.
 Permission to protect yourself with love not from love.

Because the more you honour your boundaries, the more you invite others to meet you in truth. And if they can’t? That’s information. Not failure.

So today, I want to invite you into one simple act. One micro-boundary. It doesn’t have to be big. Maybe it’s muting that group chat you dread. Maybe it’s saying, “Let me think about that,” instead of a knee-jerk yes. Maybe it’s carving out ten quiet minutes just for you no guilt, no phone, just breath.

Because small hinges swing big doors. And every time you honour even the smallest boundary, you’re rewriting the story of what’s allowed to matter, starting with you.

And if you’re realising how often you say yes when you mean no, not because you want to, but because you’re wired to I’ve created something to help with that.

It’s a free guide called “Why You Keep Saying Yes When You Mean No and Three Steps to Start Saying Yes to Yourself.” Inside, I unpack the real reasons boundaries feel so confronting, especially for those of us who’ve lived in survival mode and I share gentle, science-backed ways to start creating space, safety, and sovereignty in your daily life.

It’s honest. It’s gentle. And it was made for women like you, women who care deeply and are finally ready to care for themselves, too.

You can download it right now at happyacoach.com/boundaries or just click the link in the show notes.

And if this conversation sparked something in you if you felt seen, if you exhaled, if your body whispered “finally” then trust that. You’re not being dramatic. You’re remembering who you were before the over-functioning, before the people-pleasing. And that remembering? That’s sacred.

Next week, we’re diving into what I think is the perfect follow-on: Trusting Yourself Again: Even After You’ve Broken Your Own Promises. Because boundaries mean nothing without self-trust. And that’s where we’re going next.

Until then, thank you for being here. For listening. For letting this podcast walk with you through the messy, beautiful work of coming home to yourself.

If this episode moved something in you, please share it with someone who’s carrying too much. Leave a review. Subscribe. And if you’re ready to go deeper, you know where to find me.

Take kind care of you.
💛 Clare x