How to Stop Reacting and Start Responding (Even When You’re Triggered)

Do you find yourself snapping, shutting down, or spiralling and then wondering, why did I react like that?

You’re not overreacting. You’re overtriggered.

And your nervous system is doing exactly what it was trained to do, protect you.

In this powerful episode of The Happya Life, Clare Deacon unpacks how trauma, high-functioning anxiety, and survival mode create emotional reactivity that feels impossible to control. You’ll learn how to create space between trigger and response, and gently rewire the way your body and brain handle stress.

✨ In this episode:

• Why reactions happen before you even realise you’re triggered
• The science behind emotional hijacking and the trauma response
• How to spot the story your nervous system is telling you
• Three trauma-informed tools to create a pause and respond calmly
• Why emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing feelings, it’s about safety

You’ll also hear real-life insights from Clare’s journey and her work with women who felt like they were “too much” and discover how to shift from shame to self-trust.

📩 Ready to stop reacting from pain and start responding from presence? Clare invites you to reach out via Instagram or the website. Whether it’s coaching, tools, or just a reminder that you’re not alone, this is your space to begin again. 

You don’t have to get it perfect. You just have to get present. 

Let’s Stay Connected: Your Journey Deserves Support

Email Clare Directly: clare@happya.co.uk

Music by LemonMusicStudio

Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to The Happya Life I’m Clare Deacon trauma-informed therapist positive psychology coach and the founder of Happya and if you’ve ever found yourself saying I didn’t mean to react like that or I wish I could just keep calm when I’m triggered this episode is for you because today we’re talking about what it really takes to stop reacting and start responding especially when you feel emotionally hijacked and out of control and I want to begin by saying this gently but clearly your reactions aren’t failures they are protective responses they are your nervous system doing its best to keep you safe based on what it’s learned and if you’re listening to this chances are you’ve spent years carrying too much feeling too much holding too much and you’ve never really had the chance to feel safe enough to respond instead of react
This conversation is for the women who walk through life on high alert who hold their breath in difficult conversations who explode or shut down or cry unexpectedly and then spend hours beating themselves up for not holding it together if that’s you I see you and I want to tell you this isn’t about self-control it’s about nervous system regulation because when your brain perceives a threat real or imagined it bypasses logic and goes straight to protection mode and until we learn how to interrupt that cycle we keep repeating the same patterns
Let’s start with what a reaction actually is maybe someone says something that lands wrong and you snap maybe you’re asked to do one more thing and suddenly you’re in tears or maybe you feel shut down silent frozen and numb and you don’t know why these aren’t overreactions they’re survival strategies they are what your body has learned to do when it feels unsafe and most of the time they happen in a split second before your conscious brain even has time to catch up
You might not even realise you’re being triggered because the trigger isn’t always what’s happening it’s what your body remembers and the meaning your brain attaches to it so that text that gets ignored feels like abandonment that sigh from your partner feels like rejection the loud voice in a meeting feels like danger and before you know it you’re reacting not to the present moment but to an old wound that never got a chance to heal
I see this in so many of my clients and I’ve lived it too years ago I would spiral over small things then beat myself up for being too sensitive or too emotional and what I now know is I wasn’t overreacting I was overtriggered I didn’t need more willpower I needed more nervous system safety
So what does it mean to respond instead of react it means finding that tiny pause that moment of awareness between the trigger and the behaviour it means recognising the story you’re telling yourself and gently disrupting it and it means giving your body a new experience a new way to feel safe so that your brain doesn’t keep defaulting to the old pattern
So let me walk you through three simple trauma-informed tools you can begin using today to create that pause and start responding with more calm clarity and self-trust
First name the trigger and name the story what just happened and what am I telling myself about it for example she hasn’t replied to my message and I’m telling myself I must have upset her or he sounded short and I’m telling myself he’s annoyed with me this helps separate the event from the emotional meaning you’ve attached to it and when you can name the story you start to take back your power
Second orient to safety your body doesn’t know the difference between a real threat and a remembered one until you show it so look around your space name five things you can see three you can hear and one you can physically feel in your body this grounds your nervous system in the present moment and reminds your brain you are not back there you are here now and you are safe
Third use a pattern interrupt when you feel the wave rising pause and do something that shifts your state put cold water on your wrists step outside and feel your feet on the ground hum or sing to activate your vagus nerve these small sensory shifts help break the cycle and bring your brain back online so you can respond with intention not fear
These tools aren’t about suppressing emotion they’re about giving your nervous system an alternative route a different path to follow so you’re not stuck in the same reaction loop and the truth is this takes time because for many of us our reactions have been rehearsed for decades your body has learned to protect you through silence or anger or control or retreat and now we’re gently unlearning that
And I want to say this if you’re someone who feels things deeply if your emotions feel loud or overwhelming if you’ve been told you’re too much or too sensitive I want you to know your feelings aren’t wrong they’re information and you get to choose how you respond to that information with compassion not criticism
This is the heart of emotional regulation it’s not about being calm all the time it’s about staying connected to yourself enough that you can notice when you’re leaving your window of tolerance and bring yourself back in without shame and without spiralling
And if you’re listening and thinking this is me I react before I even know what’s happening and then I spend hours regretting it please know you’re not broken you’re protecting and now that you’re aware you can begin to do something different
One of the most powerful things I ever learned was that healing isn’t about never being triggered it’s about responding to the trigger with more safety more presence and more choice and if you’re ready to start doing that in your own life I want to invite you to reach out send me a message on Instagram or through the website let me know what resonated and I’ll help you find the next step whether that’s coaching tools or simply being reminded that you don’t have to keep reacting from pain you can start responding from your power
You deserve to feel safe enough to pause you deserve to be supported as you rewire these patterns and you deserve to live from a place of calm not just control
Thank you for being here for showing up for the parts of you that are ready to heal and for choosing yourself even when it’s hard I’ll see you next week where we’ll unpack whether you’re actually setting boundaries or just avoiding altogether and how to tell the difference until then breathe soften and remind yourself I get to choose how I respond