Ep.42 When Military Life Gets Lonely + Emily Steinour

Kimber and Emily Steinour discuss the military life this week and how loneliness uniquely affects families who live this lifestyle. They talk living overseas, uprooting and replanting, and how to grow in bravery while living unpredictably. Emily shares a bit of her story in moving four times in the past 12 years, wisdom that she’s gleaned, and how the Lord has grown her faith through this lifestyle.

Even if you’re not military, I hope you tune into our conversation to gain some insight in how to love your friends who do live in the military world a bit better.

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Transcript

Kimber: 0:09

hey friends. Welcome to the, your sister Kimber podcast. My name is Kimber Gilbert, and I'm so glad you're here. Today, we're talking, moving pains. I'm chatting with my friend, Emily, about her experience with loneliness as a military wife over the course of four moves. She's been all over and through. It all has learned to lean into prayer. And faith and action. If you're a military wife, you're going to want to learn from Emily's wisdom today. And if you're not, I hope you'll join us for today's conversation. Anyway, because odds are, you have a friend who this is their reality and being a good friend to your military affiliated friend is such a huge blessing to them. Trust me, so friends, thanks so much for joining Emily and I today. I hope our conversation helps you grow authentic community in your own life. And friendships honor God and Dre, closer to Jesus. I wished we could literally have this conversation over coffee together, but grab your own cup and we'll settle for the next best thing. I'm so glad you're here, friend. Let's get started.

Emily: 1:20

Hey Emily. Thanks so much for chatting with me today. Yeah, hi Kimber. I'm excited to be

Kimber: 1:24

here. Yeah, I'm excited for our conversation. We got to have coffee the other day and I just got to hear a little bit of your story, which I was excited to do. I've gotten to know you a little bit better over the recent months, but we had never had a chance to like sit down just us. And so that was really cool for me. And man, it's just like a really awesome story and so I'm really excited and thankful that you're sharing it with us today here. So thank you.

Emily: 1:50

Yeah. Oh, thank you. Well, I enjoyed very much getting together with you, Yeah, it's good.

Kimber: 1:55

Well, will you go ahead and introduce yourself to our friends listening who may not

Emily: 1:58

know you? All right. I am Emily Steinhower. I, have two. young boys, a six year old and a four-year old. And I am due with another boy, so I'm a boy mom. in the next through couple weeks. Yes. And he should be here in the next couple of weeks. So I'm very pregnant. Feel a little bit like a beached whale. Oh

Kimber: 2:22

yeah.

Emily: 2:22

And my last came at 42 weeks, so I'm not anticipating in early. Start. Yeah.

Kimber: 2:28

So you're like, I'm in here for the long haul, probably. Yeah. Well, Emily, specifically, we're kind of looking to hone in on how we navigate our loneliness as a series we're in right now, handling loneliness as this universal experience that we all go through. But specifically what I'm interested to talk to you about is how this plays out in the lives of military families. And, um, my husband's in the military, yours is as well. And so when we talked the other day at coffee, that was what our conversation came around to a lot is like, I think military families and particularly wives, we experience loneliness in unique ways. And so, I would love to kinda get your perspective on how you've learned from your experiences in this regard and over the course of your guys' moves. And for our friends listening who aren't military families, I think that, um, they surely have a friend or in, you know, know someone in some capacity who does live this lifestyle. And so I think this is gonna be a great opportunity for those of us who are in this world to, learn from what you've gone through and for those who aren't, to get some empathy and just compassion for families and friends who are in this kind of a situation. So, how many times have you guys moved? It's been a lot right?

Emily: 3:47

Yes. oh, And I feel bad I didn't mention my husband at all in my introduction.

Kimber: 3:52

No, I sort of derailed you. It's totally fine.

Emily: 3:55

don't feel bad. I am happily married. I love my husband. He's great And yeah, so, he's been in the military for 14 years, or he commissioned 14 years ago. Hmm. and I knew, going into dating him that he was, he was in R O T C at Penn State. Uhhuh, We met, through a, a ministry at our college. And, I actually, we were friends before we started dating, and I remember having a conversation with him just as friends, Uhhuh and asking what military life was going to be like. like what it's like for the families and yeah. I remember thinking that it sounded horrible. and I, I had some like good, um, guy friends who were also in R O T C at the time, and I was like, well, they are, great guys, but maybe I, no, thank you I'm not interested in dating them because I wouldn't wanna become their wife because that sounds the worst. Yeah. Um, I grew up in a small town and I went through like K through 12 in the same small, school system. Yeah. And so the thought of moving every couple years, just,

Kimber: 5:03

um, totally foreign. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Emily: 5:05

Foreign intimidating. It doesn't sound good. Yeah. And yeah, so, but then here I am, I fell in love and oh

Kimber: 5:13

man. Signed up. Anyway. Yeah,

Emily: 5:15

signed up anyway, the same week that I graduated college, we got married. and I moved to England. So I went from having, being one of six girls in a small apartment where I was surrounded by, community Yeah. Or friends all the time. Yeah. To this very foreign, place where I was oceans away from everyone I knew. And, and our honeymoon was great, but then Dave left a couple weeks after. Oh. Um, we got there and I had never, I had never driven on the other side of the road. Yes. I didn't know anyone. Little things

Kimber: 5:54

that like, at least, you know, you think you can take for granted even a lot of those things Yeah. Stripped away cuz of your location. Yeah. Yes.

Emily: 6:02

I was so excited for the, the adventure of it and Right. I loved my husband and Was like thrilled about a lot of it, but the loneliness set in pretty quickly. Um, I'm sorry. I'm gonna backtrack here because you had asked now many times we've moved. Yeah. Um, so there, that was the first move moving from Pennsylvania to, England. And then we moved from England to Florida. In Florida. We moved once, which, and it, it's probably not worth what mentioning, but we did have to change churches because it was so far from where we went. So it felt like it's still like, like

Kimber: 6:38

you're separating from the community that you're trying to engage in. Yeah.

Emily: 6:42

Yes. Absolutely. So that was kind of a mini move. Yeah. We had, um, good friends that we, we had like a breakup dinner with where we told them Aw. Where we found it was kinda like farther away. Yeah. But then they, they ended up moving in our direction too, so Oh my gosh. It worked out. Cuz then we saw them all the time again. Oh, that's cool. but then we moved from Florida to Maryland and then Maryland to Alaska.

Kimber: 7:09

Okay. So four already under your belt in 15 years you said?

Emily: 7:14

Um, so we've been married for 12 years. 12, okay. He, he had been in Oklahoma and Texas before we, got married, so yeah. I don't have those on my record, but Yeah, totally.

Kimber: 7:26

That's a lot. Yeah. It's, you know, it's amazing. It's really good for me, I think to hear. Perspectives of people. Who would you say you like enjoy the military lifestyle? Is it like mix of good and bad? Like what's kind of your take on this? Because my husband and I have had a little bit of a rough go with the military. Mm-hmm. And so sometimes it's really easy for me to be very cynical about this lifestyle. And so I'm always interested to hear from people who don't quite have that. Um, what would you say is like your perspective on this? Like, best part, hardest part? Where do you fall?

Emily: 8:01

so I feel like we've been in a good season. He hasn't deployed in two years. Oh, that's nice. Ask me again when he's gone, but but no, I, I think that there have been times where it's been really challenging mm-hmm. but overall the experience of being a military spouse is something I really have. Um, I, I can't say I really have always enjoyed, but I think that it's been, it's been just great. It's, in a lot of ways I think our marriage is stronger than it, would be I guess if we were just Outside of that military, certainly invited

Kimber: 8:38

opportunities to have to grow Yeah,

Emily: 8:40

yeah, yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Like the challenges of, and then, you know, when we end up in a new place, I have a built-in best friend and it's my husband. Mm-hmm.

Kimber: 8:49

Yes. And then I experienced that when we moved a couple years ago, like away from our community here, and it was like suddenly Sean and I got a a lot closer, I feel like, because it was like we were all, we had you know? And so, yeah. Yeah, that was definitely a silver lining of that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hard experience for sure.

Emily: 9:07

Yes. And being far from family, like the, some of the locations we've been, Maryland was the closest and I was still seven hours from my parents. Yeah. But we were closer to my in-laws and my sister. Yeah. But for the most part, we've lived in a different time zone. Even Florida was a different time zone cuz we were near, yeah. We were central. I would say that's that has been the hardest part for us. Mm-hmm. is being so far from family and Yeah. They grew up, right on the same property that his, his grandparents lived in the house. Mm-hmm. behind him growing up And he could just run up the hill and, see his grandparents.

Kimber: 9:45

His grandparents. So both of you kind of grew up in that very like home base. Kind of an environment. Yeah. Yeah. Hard to break out

Emily: 9:51

of that. Yeah. it is. And yeah, his whole family still, they, they all live back in the same area and so it makes it very convenient to go visit. Yeah.

Kimber: 9:59

Go home and visit, see family. Yeah. Yeah.

Emily: 10:02

but yeah, not being close to family and then, um, having grandparents pass away. Yeah. And, we, so for my, when my grandmother, she was in her her later nineties, so she had a really full great life. Yeah. But, we were in England when she, she ended up getting pancreatic cancer and things kind of took a turn really fast. Mm-hmm. And I had this choice like, do I fly out right now and get to her and get to be with her before she passes away or, because the. We, we were poor newlyweds and the plane tickets were so expensive that, or do I go out for like the funeral? Right. Um, so I ended up flying out and I got to spend time with her. It was just so sweet. But then, um, when she did pass away, I missed the funeral. and so just things like that, that, um, you know, you choices closer. Yeah. Yeah. and I've been far away from like my sister when she had her babies Yeah. And mm-hmm. things like that. That, those are the hardest things, but Yeah. but on the flip side, I've experienced just, getting to know people and they kind of become your family away from family. Yeah. And a different level of community that you depend on because you're away from family. Yes. And there's, there's something really sweet and special about that too.

Kimber: 11:22

Yeah, and I mean, that has like, at least from what you've told me, that has been really like a big part of your story there is like, when you're in those moments where you don't have family close and like, especially when you grew up and that was always an option. Mm-hmm. it's like, okay, how has God provided other community for me in those moments when I felt like I didn't have anyone? And so, I would love if you picked up kind of with your, with your story of, how loneliness started playing out as you guys made that first hard move to England. Like how did God show up in that, in that place for you?

Emily: 11:58

Yeah. So, one, I'm gonna share one story from England that, Just like highlights how God provided in a time of, I was probably in doubt of how I would get through a long deployment. Yeah. You're

Kimber: 12:12

like just there, newlyw new place. Yes. And he is like, bye Sorry,

Emily: 12:18

yes. So well that time, I just had to dare myself to like my first time driving on the opposite side of the road, And I would say I'm a very confident driver now. Uhhuh But I was in multiple car accidents in high school Yeah. And was not a confident driver. I didn't have a car through college. Okay. So my brother went to the same school and then I had Dave there. Yeah. When we were at school together. and friends with cars. And so I just. it was pretty much like getting back to driving and then wow, everything I had learned in reverse. Oh my God,

Kimber: 12:54

I can't imagine. I've never been to England or like, anywhere that drives on the other side of the road. So I, I literally cannot imagine. I think it would be host so hard for my brain.

Emily: 13:02

It was, for the beginning part it was really hard. but yeah, the first time I drove was driving Dave to his like, deployment. I think they were leaving at like 3:00 AM So thankfully there was no one else on the, the road. So if I did pull out and turn onto the wrong side, like I wasn't gonna hit anyone. That's good. but then I, this is something I still do every time we move, I just, well, I prayed, um, for community and then, putting my faith in action, I also made just. this, kind of like a dare every day that Yeah. To be brave and do something. bold. And so something that made me uncomfortable. So, um, I, even though I am an extrovert going, I'm an extrovert in friend groups, Uhhuh I think that going to try to seek out friends is kind of like go, going to find a date or like Yeah. When you're looking for Yeah. to pick someone up because you have to put yourself out there. Yeah. And, it's scary. Yeah. Scary. Yeah. So, just to do something brave every day. Mm-hmm. So sometimes that was driving onto base and shop shopping at the BX and kind of like scanning around looking for ladies, not too. Who would look like my friends or sometimes it was like talking to someone at a coffee shop and Yeah. or going to church by myself. Mm-hmm. and not knowing anyone and just starting conversations and so that was kind of how I built up community there. But then back forward to a year from then, Dave had come back and then he deployed again. And, my closest friend for that first year had just moved away. Oh. I think that's another challenging part of military life because you move, but then your friends move and you're not always on the same schedule. you're usually

Kimber: 14:52

not on the same schedule, usually. Usually. Yeah, absolutely. So it's like constantly, not only are you having to uproot and re. put down roots, but then also your friends, that may happen too at any point. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Emily: 15:06

So you're either like leaving or being left behind and Right. and so my friend was moving right before Dave deployed and then, and she was kind of my lifeline out there. They lived down the street from us. and I like thought of his deployment, like this dark storm cloud coming in and I was just not sure how I was going to get through it and not looking forward to it. um, he deployed and the first weekend that he was gone, I took a trip with some other military friends and was driving home from that. We had gone to like France for the day and coming back, just gone to

Kimber: 15:41

France for the day. Just gone to France. Yeah.

Emily: 15:44

Casually as one does there There are definitely perks to the military lifestyle. Yeah. We got to see a lot of places but so cool coming back. This is in like the days of flip phones and Yeah. I don't even think I had a car charger. yeah, we had kind of an old British car. my car started making weird noises and I was driving by myself through this little British village. Mm-hmm. We lived, like an hour and a half from London, but we lived in a really rural area. Okay. And there weren't any streetlights or anything. and then the lights on my car just went out and I was still driving, so I was trying to Oh my gosh. stop. Right. And my car was making weird sounds and I'm not a car. I don't know. Yeah. Like I'm Dave would've known right away what was happening. But, I got out of the car and like, I wasn't even sure if I was on the side of the road. I didn't have a flashlight and my phone was dead and Oh gosh. Um, I just, I saw like a little light in the distance and walked to this house. it was your quintessential British house with like a batched roof. And, I

Kimber: 16:50

mean, that's better than like, you know, the creepy like mansion where Dracula lives. Yeah. Or something like That's very cute. At least it was a cute little cottage, right? Yes,

Emily: 17:00

yes. I did not know anyone in this village. but yeah, I just walked up and knocked on their door in this came out and they, I, I think I just broke into tears.

Kimber: 17:09

Cool. I just saw her doorstep

Emily: 17:12

and my husband's gone. I think I was like processing everything and she just hugged me and her husband went and oh, made sure my car was on the side of the road and, they had been celebrating their anniversary, so they were like, we've been drinking, but we'll call you, we'll call you a ride, Oh. they took care of me and, and so it was just one of those, like, I went from thinking how lonely I was going to be. Mm-hmm. to just this realization that God can provide in these strange and wonderful ways. Yeah. And I just felt so provided for like these, um, strangers that just gave me the hug I needed. Yeah. And took care of me. Yeah. Um,

Kimber: 17:52

something I learned when Sean was deployed a couple years ago was that apparently people, I don't know who these people are, scientists, whatever they say that really to be like emotionally healthy, you need like eight hugs a day. Oh, And I was like, well, I'm not kidding that like with him gone and man, that was like, and it was kind of funny thing like to joke about with my friends, but like, I think about that all the time now. I'm like, you know, am I being intentional when Sean is gone? Especially, but even always like to think about, you know, am I getting those hugs like from people? Like am I connecting with other people when my person who I'm used to being in my house with when he's not there? And man, it's like sometimes you don't realize how much of a difference it is when when family's gone. It's tough. Yeah,

Emily: 18:43

that's true. That's funny. About the hug thing. It made me think of, we had just moved another time and my mom sent me, flowers on my birthday. Oh. And I think we had just gotten there and like we didn't know anyone. And, she had told the, the lady delivering the flowers, um, I think because I had complained to her that I was lonely. Yeah. She told the lady to give me a hug. Oh my gosh. And, and she did. And this was during like covid time. Oh wow.

Kimber: 19:13

Even bigger ask. Yeah.

Emily: 19:15

Yeah. And I just like, I felt so, Um, that's so sweet. I was so sweet by that

Kimber: 19:20

Yeah. That's so cool. Hey friends, I'm interrupting our conversation with Emily real quick to share with you guys a new free resource I dropped last week. It's called 20 facts to know about your friends and it's designed to help you do exactly what Emily and I are talking about. Being intentional, having the brave conversations and going too fast. This mini questionnaire is designed to print out and share with your friends at your next girls' night. Answer these questions, allow them to guide your conversation and then trade your answers. But the details of your phone under their contact card in your contacts, so that anytime you need to know their coffee order or that important anniversary or lost state for them, or you just want to surprise them with a fun, like thinking of you kind of treat, you've got some ideas ready to go at your fingertips. I hope this resource blesses you, your friendships in new ways. So stick around for the end of the show to learn how to download it today. Okay. Back to the show.

Emily: 20:24

Back to the England story. Mm-hmm. how God continued to provide, um, just. using that broken down car. I had to, I just left it there for the night. The next day I walked to church and, there was a couple that had just moved to England that Dave had introduced me to. the week before he left. Okay. They had come to our church, I just started telling them

Kimber: 20:47

the story of like, yeah, your

Emily: 20:49

crazy night about the car, the crazy night, and, I didn't know, but he, he liked fixing cars just as a hobby. Mm. And when I started describing what had happened, he was like, oh, I bet it's this. And you know, he asked, you knew Yeah. what kind of car I had. And he had the part ordered by the time we got out of service. Oh my gosh. And, and he went and fixed my car while I hung out with his wife. And, um, and so I didn't know them at all before that. And then, we became really close Dave was gone. I don't think, I think that was the year he wasn't supposed to be gone over Christmas, but they ended up getting extended. Oh, that's so hard. But then I ended up spending Christmas with these friends and they were. Like the kind of friends I, I would walk over in my PJs. I put have like a P coat on over it so that the most people wouldn't judge me. Judge you too hard Yeah. They wouldn't know I was a sloppy American Um, and God provided in just like the best, best ways. Um, that's so

Kimber: 21:50

cool. I love that you were like looking for that. Like you, you asked him for it and then you saw, do you feel like you could see that as God's provision in the moment or has it been more in hindsight that you've been able to see like his hand at work in like that story, for example? And just in that time in general

Emily: 22:05

with that story in particular? I think I knew, like I saw it right away. Yeah, yeah. God's provision. But there have been other times where, I can look back and see how, how God really provided

Kimber: 22:18

Yeah. Um, I think that's so cool to like be able to look back, but also like when we can get to a place, I think it's just like growing in our faith where it's like, as things are happening, we're able to see like, oh, mm-hmm. thank you God. Like, you know, and see that provision because I, I don't think it's always that ca that way, but I think when we can start to notice those things, that's a really, it can be a really rewarding and cool thing because it's like, you know, you see it more tangibly how he's showing up for you and providing for you in those, in those hard moments, which is I think, just bolsters our faith.

Emily: 22:51

Yeah, definitely.

Kimber: 22:52

we're, uh, your other new moves as you were moving to Florida and to Maryland, were they all kind of, you know, this bumpy or when you were starting out and like looking for community? Or do you feel like you got better at it? How did you like grow and change as you've done this kind of same cycle over and over?

Emily: 23:14

I don't think it's gotten easier, if anything, having kids, especially now with a, this last move, my oldest was five and it was hard on him. Oh yeah. Um, um, we re-homed our dog. Like there were a lot of challenging things. I used to think that I would become this like seasoned military spouse, and I would like be great at all. You know, at moving,

Kimber: 23:40

you're like breezing through your moves, like it's no big space. Yeah.

Emily: 23:43

it's, I definitely thought it would, it would get easier. but I do think I've learned a lot of, um, of things like tips or just like ways

Kimber: 23:53

to

Emily: 23:54

navigate and sort of it Yeah. To make it easier. So, in, England, we had joined a, a military Bible study called O C F. And so, We found an OCF group in Florida. Oh, cool. And kind of got plugged in there. Yeah. And, I had also heard about mos. I think the first time I learned about it was in Florida and I started going before I think we even tried to get pregnant. Just, yeah. Cause friend,

Kimber: 24:21

I actually just learned that the other day, that mops is not like, you don't have to have a preschooler. I just like Right. Which friends listening, if you don't, it's like mothers of preschoolers. Right. It's like the acronym. But, um, yeah. That like if you have a child in some way, or maybe even if you don't, I don't know if they're like, yeah. Weird about that at all. I'm sure they're not

Emily: 24:41

I don't think they're Yeah. You prob they talk a lot.

Kimber: 24:44

Motherhood. So, right. So like you would probably be interested primarily if that was your situation, but Yeah. Like such a great resource. Totally. Yeah. That's cool.

Emily: 24:54

So that was when like, I, I had joined mops, um, in Florida and then found another MOPS group in Maryland when we moved there. So

Kimber: 25:04

kind of like those, like organizations that are broader. Mm-hmm. it's like mm-hmm. it gives you just like a level of familiarity. A little bit or like a Okay. I know this is like a good place to start at the very least. That's super helpful. I think that's one thing that like church provides even is like, you know, you're in this new place and it's like, okay, where do I start trying to find community? Do I go like, knock on my neighbor's door? I mean, maybe but that's probably wouldn't be my move. But yeah, like church starting to connect with groups, like things like that can be great starting places.

Emily: 25:37

and definitely just praying about it. I, um, one of the biggest things I always pray for is our community and the next place. and now I kind of like, I get excited about who God's gonna place in our, our lives. I prayed specifically for great neighbors. here and the day we moved in, our neighbors here are older They have great grandkids and so they're, they've kind of adopted our kids as like adoptive grandchildren. But the day we moved in, she brought over cookies and just, I think the movers had come and, she was like, we have a playroom in our house for my grandfather. That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah. I, um, she was like, bring the boys. And I think I went and stayed for an hour or so over there and she was like, please go back. And, um, she was like, I know you don't know me very well, but we're neighbors now. like, if you feel comfortable, go back over and leave them here. and they have just been like, so wonderful. Um, I feel. safer here. Having great

Kimber: 26:40

neighbors and Yes. Yeah. Supported. Absolutely

Emily: 26:43

supported. They taught us, you know, best places to salmon fish. They took us out on their boat and sword and, when I start really missing, family is kind of like around the, the kids' birthdays and things like that where we would, or holidays and, they bring things over. Actually, this Christmas, another older neighbor, asked the boys what they wanted for Christmas, Uhhuh And on Christmas day I had gone down like early. I think I get more excited for opening presents than my kids too

Kimber: 27:13

That's awesome.

Emily: 27:14

There were wrapped presents on our front porch. On Christmas,

Kimber: 27:18

like from, from your neighbors. That's so sweet. Yes.

Emily: 27:21

They had kind of like winked and said that Santa would

Kimber: 27:24

be coming. That was probably coming. Yeah.

Emily: 27:26

But yeah, just like so sweet and that's really cool. And then with all the Alaska things, they always let us know, like there's a bull moose in our side yard, so So don't let the kids out right now. Right. You know,

Kimber: 27:39

I love what you said about, almost having like anticipation now for like, who is God going to bring into my life? And I feel like that is such a shift from like, maybe the typical mindset of like, Ugh, I don't wanna lose what I have. Or like, oh, I'm scared like Is there going to be anyone? But like, I love that mindset of like, I know that he will provide this. how did you get to that place? Like what was it just seeing like God provide and like over and over and you're like, well, now I expect it. Or Like what, what did this journey to that perspective, what did that look like for you? Yeah,

Emily: 28:17

I, I definitely think it's just a hopeful prayer that I can be, be filled with, hope. In that anticipating, I guess. Yeah. Um, I would still say moves, like, I cry a lot. I, I should doubt things like, will I ever have a group, as great as, my friends here or, but. Yeah. Some of it is seeing God provide over and over again. Mm-hmm. That it's not always what I expect. But his gifts are always good. Mm-hmm. and, yeah, I would say like in Maryland, my first best friend was, in her seventies Yeah. Was my, our farm neighbor there, Uhhuh Um, she just like walked over and her husband had passed away like 20 years ago before that. Mm. And I think she saw me, I moved into our farmhouse a month before Dave. He had some training to finish up so I had, I had to use our, our tractor. Okay. By myself. By myself. I'm trying to picture you on a tractor, Emily Oh yeah. It's not pretty. I love it. No,

Kimber: 29:20

I bet, I bet you crushed it. I'm sure you crushed it. It's just a different picture than what I have of you in my mind now. Yes.

Emily: 29:27

No, that's awesome. In Alaska, I can't really run around like barefoot and yeah, it's

Kimber: 29:33

a little bit different vibe on the corner.

Emily: 29:35

Sure, definitely. but yeah, she, came over and just said how much she, I think she said, started with something like, I love seeing another woman out on the tractor. Aw. Oh. And then she just like told me, you know, her life story and we got to talking about things. She wasn't a woman of faith, but the people who we bought our farm from Uhhuh were And had really, started some good conversations with her. Cool. That, Then I got to keep having mm-hmm. and the year we moved, she actually ended up passing away. Oh. And I got to go in and, and be with her on her like last days. Mm-hmm. And, so those like sort of things are, like when I pray for friends, I don't necessarily think of like, I think of someone, a peer Yeah. Like another military spouse or

Kimber: 30:22

um Right. Someone like, maybe that idealistic, like, this is what I envision my friend looking like. Yes.

Emily: 30:29

But, I, so I think that's another thing, just having a more open mind. Yeah. To, um, who God's like placing. In my life in that season.

30:38

Yeah.

Kimber: 30:38

And like he can work in my life to battle my loneliness in so many different ways. Ways I probably would never even think of. And so I love that reminder to like just be ready to notice how he's working in unique ways. Because I think sometimes like, we pray for this idea of God rescued me for my loneliness, or like, send me a friend, or, you know, that kind of a prayer. And then it's like, you know, we look around in a month and we're like, well, I don't have a best friend yet, so what the heck? You know? Mm-hmm. Whereas I wonder like if we brought in a little bit how we are looking for answers to our prayers. Like, you know, it might not be that like, ready made, perfectly packaged best friend that we're hoping for. Mm-hmm. But it might be in like, more non-traditional friendships like that one or in, like the couple that helped you out that night when you were stranded, like, you know mm-hmm. I think that, if we look for provision in, just more ways or even in started conversations or like doors opened that we could invest in. Um, I love what you said at the beginning of like, putting my faith into action and like taking those steps towards mm-hmm. community and like towards what, I feel like God's given me the opportunity for it and then like, okay, how is he gonna work through that? Sometimes that can be the answer to our prayers even. Yeah. Definit. you were telling me about some, you know, just different ways, like over these four different places you've lived when you've had to start over again. each of these times, how God has really shown up in like very diverse ways, at least it seemed like to me, in each of those places. And you've told us a little bit about England, and a little bit about here even, but, what did this kind of look like, in Florida and Maryland? Like, what were some of the ways that, you feel like God showed up to help you in your lonely moments in those places? Yeah.

Emily: 32:31

So, in Florida, I know I was struggling with loneliness and just, um,

Kimber: 32:37

Because that was your second move after you had like, gone through the whole ordeal in England. And I feel like that second one is hard because you're like, Ugh, I just went through this Yeah,

Emily: 32:48

yeah, yeah. And there were ways that I like learned to make friends. I think being a new military spouse in England. Yeah. Um, Dave was, Dave was in a unit that was really close. Mm-hmm. all the families were really close. And so, in a lot of ways that was great because I had, we kind of had community right away or Yeah. I had people I could call if I needed anything or Right, right. Um, and then his job in Florida, he was an instructor there. Mm-hmm. where he was, much smaller shop There wasn't a like,

Kimber: 33:20

no, like a unit community. Yeah. Right.

Emily: 33:23

and so, that was fine. I think it was great to have, like, when you're overseas, it was nice to have like a group of Americans, to kind of I had those friends. We would get together and watch the Bachelor and have

Kimber: 33:35

our like Yeah. They're like kinda built in. You can connect on things that you all relate to. Yeah.

Emily: 33:42

Yeah. Or like, you know, they don't have Thanksgiving over there. Right. So we would all celebrate Thanksgiving together and Yeah. Things like that. but in Florida, I started going to a small group through our church of, a women's group. Mm-hmm. And, through that group, I guess a couple of, of ladies I had met there, we like started a prayer. Group together. Cool. I think we started just walking and praying together, like, do you wanna walk with me? And then just, you know, praying together. And then, and then once the like women's group got kind of big and they broke up, into smaller groups, the three of us, led a group together. Cool. And so that was, one way that I found that kind of close. Yeah. Close community. that, and then I, I remember sitting on my back porch in Florida and like praying for a friend and we had just gotten this new puppy and mm-hmm. I think I like let her out and she got loose and like ran to our neighbors. Into our neighbor's yard where my neighbor was like lounging in the sun and picked up our puppy and was like, oh, I love your dog. So cute. And aw, I had just been journaling about how, I was like wanting a, like killing and want a friend and then here like, wow, that was like an immediate yes. Yeah. Slap in the face like your neighbor Right. Led you write

Kimber: 35:04

to her

Emily: 35:06

Yay. And so she, she became a really close friend and she ended up having a baby the year before we had our first And she had a, a baby boy almost to the week before, uh, the year before. And so, she was just instrumental in teaching me how to be a mom Yeah. And all the things I would need. and she just gave me like, you know, her son would grow out of it and she would be like, you're gonna need this size. So here. Oh, that's awesome. So just that was awesome. Yeah. But yeah, there have definitely, those are times where, or that time with our dog was one where I wasn't really doing the work, but I've definitely, um, since then been in situations where I really have to put myself out there. Mm-hmm. And so in Maryland, I guess so in Florida, I had found a group of moms, that did like a stroller workout together. Mm-hmm. outside, and I was looking for something similar to that in Maryland. And there was nothing, I couldn't find anything close to where we lived, and so I just decided that I was going to, try to be brave and ask some moms that I met, if they would want to do like a walking Yeah. Stroller workout thing. And so I got this group of moms to come and, um, we would start at the farm and then walk through my neighborhood. Cool. And at all the like cul-de-sacs, we would do like workouts,

Kimber: 36:30

like you stop and do it. Yeah, yeah. But

Emily: 36:33

it was much more for the community than for the like, getting fit aspect of it. I love

Kimber: 36:40

that idea of, okay, what am I doing? Or like, what do I need to do for my, like, wellbeing and then thinking, okay, how can I invite other people into it? That's something that like, I have been trying to practice like since, especially since having a baby is like, okay, I have a limited time, so it's. You know, not always easy to do both separately, but like, how can I merge these things that I have to do together? And I think that's a great way. Yeah. Great way to do that.

Emily: 37:08

Yeah. That was one, and then my other that kind of became my, closest group of friends in, in Maryland was, I had gone to meet a new friend I think that I had, or we had met at mops. Um, and she invited me to an event at the library mm-hmm. And we went and, there were of us that started talking about, I guess, books we wanted to read or some book on parenting mm-hmm. And we decided then to start this book club. Yeah. And, the first time we met, we were just going to talk about what book we would pick for the next month. and, we kept meaning, but we never ended up reading a book We just we called ourselves a book club.

Kimber: 37:49

we're like in quotes, book club Yes.

Emily: 37:52

We thought we should make like t-shirts or something after a couple of years of this. But, um, we, so for, so we meet like every other week or sometimes mm-hmm. Every week. and just really, experience life together and we would, we would always try to meet like every other, week as just moms. Hmm. or just, just us. But um, like without your

Kimber: 38:13

families, is that what you're saying?

Emily: 38:14

Without the kids. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then we would meet like through, through the week at the park or Mm.

Kimber: 38:21

Um, you know, what do you think those, like, that distinct time when it was you didn't have the kids around? And then also when you did, what did like both of those opportunities provide distinctly for you guys?

Emily: 38:33

Yeah. so I think having the kids around, it was great to have, our ki you know, socialize our kids a little bit. Yeah. Get to know, um, their kids and, and that, that was just really fun. But, we would try to have like deeper conversations. but when you're chasing

Kimber: 38:50

so hard Yeah.

Emily: 38:51

Yeah. And constantly Yeah. On the move it, um, yeah. A

Kimber: 38:56

lot of started conversations and not finished ones is my experience.

Emily: 39:01

definitely. Yeah. Definitely how it would go. And then having the, these nights where we would get together without the kids. yeah. Just allowed for that conversation to. to go further. Yeah. And for our friendships really, to grow. And, and we would just share it like, the good, the bad, the ugly, all the Yeah. All the things. when someone, would you say

Kimber: 39:23

it's like, easy for you to go deep? Or is that a harder thing for you to like be vulnerable and open up in those kind of situations?

Emily: 39:31

so I have found that I now just wanna go deep right away. But I, um, why do you think that is? Because I think because, our time is limited somewhat with, this military lifestyle or moving often, that. if it took months and months to get to a place where you're sharing, um, yeah. yeah. Where you're really honest people,

Kimber: 39:55

then half your time is gone.

Emily: 39:56

Yeah. Yeah. And, and nobody has time for that Yep. and I just, yeah. Maybe it's some somewhat my love language. I, I'm kind of, I'm physical touch, but also, um, yeah. time. Yeah. That I need that like quality conversation and, and going deeper and, and so we're, as I probably used to have more walls up um, years ago mm-hmm. that, I'm sure there have been times where I over shared or yeah. Or went too deep. Too fast or something and maybe scared friends away. but I'm not thinking of any off the top of my head. Maybe that's a

Kimber: 40:37

good thing, Yeah. Well, and I feel like, I don't know, that's such like a good reminder too of like if someone is in the, at the point where they're like, Ugh, I feel like, like they're feeling this stress of like, or not stress, but like the pressure or tension of like, I feel like I need to do this faster. Like, I can't wait around for, deep friendships to happen. Because like you're saying, like we're on 2, 3, 4 year timelines here and mm-hmm. it's like I'm, if I'm like wasting a year just waiting around for someone to like open up to me, that's, that's kind of a bummer. And so I feel like that's something that I've definitely, learned over our shorter course in the military is like, just go there. Just go there. And to me it's like, there may be moments, I do have like a, a story of that, that I've, I think shared, um, somewhere on blog podcast, uh, realm before of like where I did feel like I went too deep, too fast and felt like the other girl kind of retracting. but, and that was a hard moment for me. However, in the grand scheme of things, I would not do it differently because yeah, that one moment like was hard and she kind of withdrew and I didn't have a friendship there. But of all the other times when I have just gone there mm-hmm. and someone has responded that is totally worth it to me. It's like, yeah. You know, it's like, go there because yeah, time is short for sure. Yeah. You know, that's something that with. I think our non-military friends listening, I would love you to speak to this a little bit, that is something that I think is maybe helpful for our non-military friends should know. It's like if you feel like friends who are military families come in and they just like, blow the doors off of what you're used to as far as like how long it takes to grow a friendship, it's probably because we just have learned that you just gotta go there fast because mm-hmm. otherwise you're gonna be lonely for three years and then you're finally gonna get connected and it's gonna be time to leave. So it's like, I think sometimes that can feel maybe a little intimidating to people who are, have developed or cultivated friendships. their whole lives if they've never moved or you know, have only moved once or so. And so, I think that's helpful to remember of like for our non-military friends, it's like, if it feels fast, this is why we're approaching. Mm-hmm. friendship this way. cuz I feel like that can just help things maybe seem a little bit more like normal. Can you think of any other things like for our friends listing who aren't military, like what do they need to know about their friends who are military families? Like, because I think there are ways that we are just like trained or wired or whatever to do friendship a little bit, right? Like, is there anything that comes to mind for you? Like what would you wanna tell your friend who's not military? Like what do they need to know about their friends who are military

Emily: 43:29

families? well, the most important, we, we did definitely talk about the going deep and that that can be intimidating. but why, why we do that. Yeah. And then, I know friends in the past, non-military friends in places we've been stationed have told me that it's hard when like, when Dave is deployed, I really depend on friends or I spend a lot of time with friends. And then they've said it's hard when he comes back because then we miss you for a little bit. Or is like, yeah, you're paid pace changes kind of with like him being here or him being gone or, um, yeah. And so, so I haven't experienced that in a little while, but I do remember friends saying that that was really a challenging part of being fr friends with a military spouse. Absolutely. And so, kind of, I guess just having grace for, those friends who, maybe while their spouses are deployed, if they're, you see them a lot more, they're, you know, inviting you out more mm-hmm. they're mm-hmm. in your life, and then it seems like they withdraw because they're reconnecting again as a family once the husband comes back. Right. yeah, and I don't know if there's, uh, because it's been a little while since Dave is deployed, I don't know how my, How I do that now, but yeah.

Kimber: 44:44

no, I think that's a, a great thing to be watching for because it's like, you know, because easy in those moments to think, oh, well, it's because they didn't really care about me, or they, you know, maybe they don't like me, or they were just, you know, there because he was gone. But, but it really is like a balancing act and it's hard to like mm-hmm. navigate that reintegration and like time both with, of course, your spouse, but like also your friendships. And so I think having grace for that is a great, a great reminder. another one that I thought of was just the balance of like disengaging when, you know, you're like almost ready to mo like when it's, when time is coming to move. Um, something I've heard from a lot of military families that I also have experienced like this sort of tendency to start, like disengaging from your relationships a little bit because you know that your move is coming, but it's like how have you learned to balance that, like disengagement, stay connected? Like what is navigating that looked like for you over the course of the. you know, really three times that you've had to do that up until this point.

Emily: 45:50

so I, I don't think I've always done it well because Yeah. sure. We do have a tendency to like start thinking of that next place. Yeah. And I can remember leaving Florida thinking that I, like I had been prepping so much for life in Maryland. Mm-hmm. that, I had kind of pulled away from friends there a little earlier. Mm-hmm. but yeah, I, I think it, you have to be intentional about staying where you are. even when your things get packed up and shipped up. Cuz sometimes that happens hard like months before you leave. Right. And. I really look up to this one. other military spouse. I think. We had probably. been married four years when I met her and she had been married maybe 15 or 16. And so, um, just had a lot more exp. They had moved nine times. And they're still in the military. but at that point, So that was years ago. They had already. Nine times. And so I actually asked her to mentor me. And. Um, Kind of just. like read through the Bible together, but also. I just would ask her all the military questions. Like, how do you do this? Well, And I just saw her as someone who. Really. built great community in a short amount of time. And then. Um, she moved before we moved. And she just She didn't disengage. It was, Like up until the goodbye where we waved to there. As they drove away with the trucks, She was just in it. And I was like, how do you do this all the time? And, and she just had this perspective that you really have to. Set down roots wherever you are. And that motto grow where you're planted. That. It's not healthy to like uproot too soon or, or to live without. Letting those roots grow, like why you're in a place. and she had been in long enough to know that. Oftentimes we end up. Like the military bubble is pretty small and you end up moving. Either back to the same place and seeing familiar

Kimber: 47:54

Yeah. Reconnecting with people.

Emily: 47:56

Or that like bubble just kind of helps. There've been times where I know like friends from another base have said, Like, oh, my best friend is moving to Alaska or. like where are you guys are? So. This is their name. So, yeah, I don't think I do a great job of staying in touch with friends.

Kimber: 48:14

that's hard too.

Emily: 48:14

Yeah, it's just hard to be intentional with all the relationships when you. like, I still love all my friends and. and I definitely go. Too long between talking to them. But, but if I'm thinking of someone I don't hesitate to call. I just. think that. Really good, deep friendships. Like you can go. A long time without talking and just kind of pick back up.

Kimber: 48:40

And I think so often we're like afraid to try to do that. Like, oh, I haven't talked to her in a while. So like, will it be weird? Or, you know, something like that. But I think just, you know, having grace for each other and being willing to try. is really cool and like that whole like connect disengaging reconnecting thing is so tough. And I love hearing about, you know, that mentor that you asked that question to. I think that's a great. Thing to do is like find people around you that you trust, who are kind of ahead of you in the game and say like, Hey, this is my current struggle with this. Like, how did you do it? And they might not have a perfect answer for you, but I think they can probably encourage you towards some, some maybe tools and tactics. And at the very least, hopefully. they can encourage you to, to pray about it, which I love how that has been a, such a huge part of your story, because I know God knows what he's doing in this whole story of the military life. Way better than I do. That's for sure.

Emily: 49:38

true.

Kimber: 49:39

Well, Emily, let's go ahead and, um, kind of wrap things up here. I would love to hear from you too. Kind of close things out for us today. Just, you know, for our friends listening, who. This is the, her reality right now. Like she is feeling lonely. Maybe it's due to military moves or just, any other reason for moving or change in seasons. And, I would just love for you to share with us. What would you encourage her with today? Like, what is your number one thing for her that you would want her to remember in this moment? If she's feeling kind of the same spot that you have been before?

Emily: 50:13

well, I guess first to, to be prayerful in it and have eyes. To see where God might be. Working. I think there are times I've missed. and then seeing it later, like, He was providing.

Kimber: 50:26

Um,

Emily: 50:26

you know, that neighbor was there and, I didn't think of them as a friend right away, but then, That was a relationship that was life-giving so just having eyes to see where God is, already at work. And then, Putting your faith. Into action and, If you're in a time of wanting. community then. I would say. Do the dare game that I

Kimber: 50:47

Yes. I love that.

Emily: 50:49

Something little on. I mean, it could just be as easy as. Talking like starting up a conversation with the mom next to you on the playground or. you know, someone's standing in line at the coffee shop or, or something like that. or, or showing up, going to. The women's group at church or, or showing up at church by yourself. Um, When you feel lonely, it's. It's hard to get out and do these things, But I, I definitely believe in, Faith and action.

Kimber: 51:18

Mm, that's so good because I think sometimes I can get very like, too progress oriented. So I'm like I do something like that or like reach out to someone or show up to something and I'm like, oh, well it didn't like produce these perfect results that I want. Therefore, it was not the right thing to do. Or it was silly that I did that or unhelpful when really, I think like what you're describing here. It's just like how boldness, like breeds more boldness in our lives. And so it's like, you know, it's even the practice of like, okay, God, I'm going to trust you with this moment and I'm going to be bold or, you know, whatever it is. And I think that breeds more and more trust in our lives. and then, hopefully we will see your results in some way. And I really believe we will, because I think God wants us to live in community. And so I think that prayer is going to be one that he's going to answer. even if it is an unexpected ways, like you said, so all of that.

Emily: 52:06

I definitely didn't share any of the failures, so I just want to share one real quick. Are those feeling discouraged if you did. Right. Something bold and it didn't go. As you thought. For my first couple of months that we lived here. I didn't realize that the time on my Facebook was set to.

Kimber: 52:26

Okay.

Emily: 52:27

will work.

Kimber: 52:28

Oh,

Emily: 52:29

so stupid now. But I would look up these events. So, there was like a walking group

Kimber: 52:34

Uh, huh.

Emily: 52:34

like. It would be fun. Like a ladies walking group. I knew no one, so I didn't have any numbers to call, but it was like a group I found through Facebook. And that was my, like, I'm going to go to it, even though this might be uncomfortable. so I think the group was actually meeting at like noon. But of course I had Eastern time. So not alone.

Kimber: 52:55

Yeah.

Emily: 52:56

And I, so I thought it started at four and showed up at the parking lot, the only car and I like waited and. No one else was there. And so there. Were definitely times like that, that I just sat in my car and maybe cried or. Brought me to like, pray. Um, Like I I'm out here. I'm trying and there's no one else here. What is this? but then just, Keeping with it the next day. And yeah. Not getting.

Kimber: 53:27

Try it again. And check your Facebook settings.

Emily: 53:30

Yes.

Kimber: 53:31

Oh, man. I love it. No, thank you for that encouragement because it is so easy to, I think sometimes share when we're on the other side of it. And we remember like what worked, which is so helpful to share, I think, and to press into that. But. the reality is that we're all just out here trying and failing both. And so, and so I love that reminder for, for the one discouraged. So man, Emily, thank you so much for. Sharon with us today and, your story and just what you've learned from it, because I think you are a wealth of wisdom for the military spouse. You know, you talk about. That lady who is a mentor to you who had moved nine times. I mean, you're getting to the point where you're going to be that person for someone. And, um, I just think that that's such a gift, so thank you friend.

Emily: 54:17

Thank you, Kimberly. It's been such a joy talking with you today.

Kimber: 54:27

Sisters. I'm so glad you could join Emily and I this week on the, your sister Kimber podcast. Man military friends. It is not an easy road we walk, but I do think we have so many opportunities to dig into friendships in unique ways because of this lifestyle. I really pray. Emily's words encouraged you today as motivated me. Next week we'll continue cruising along in this series, living lonely can wait to share some other unique perspectives with you. And earlier in the show, I shared with you a bit about my new digital resource, which is available to you for free. If you're already in my newsletter crew, check your inbox. Your copy has already been delivered, but if you're not just go to my website and click on the resources tab to find the 20 facts to know about your friends, download. There you'll find the details on how to get this freebie delivered straight to your email inbox. Downloading this freebie it'll allow you to join my newsletter crew. You will get a weekly newsletter directly to your email inbox with a preview of what will be featured On the podcast that week, plus a peek at this month's blog, post some other resources and tips to help you grow friendships, honor God and Dre, closer to Jesus. Just follow the link in the show notes to find my website and get this new resource. And during the newsletter crew, Friends. Thank you so much for being part of this community until next time. It's your sister Kimber.