Inappropriate Use of a Podcast presents: Beyond the Near Horizon
Inappropriate Use of a Podcast presents: Beyond the Near Horizon
Dec 25, 1979 - Clairvoyant Audrey Partridge
INAPPROPRIATE USE OF A PODCAST is proud to present encore presentations of the iconic radio program "Beyond the Near Horizon" with host Colonel Stephen Prather. Since 1975, this innovative program has explored the unexplained, the occult and other controversial topics. Featuring interviews with unconventional experts from across the intellectual spectrum, every program lives up to the promise of its creator Colonel Prather to "not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart the search for wisdom and knowledge." As he reminds, "all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon."
THIS EPISODE: Colonel Stephen Prather peers into the future with world renown clairvoyant Audrey Partridge who discusses her predictions for 1980. Also: celebrity and listener birthdays.
INAPPROPRIATE USE OF A PODCAST is proud to present encore presentations of the iconic radio program "Beyond the Near Horizon" with host Colonel Stephen Prather. Since 1975, this innovative program has explored the unexplained, the occult and other controversial topics. Featuring interviews with unconventional experts from across the intellectual spectrum, every program lives up to the promise of its creator Colonel Prather to "not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart the search for wisdom and knowledge." As he reminds, "all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon."
Podcast website: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2027077
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/inappropriate-use-of-a-podcast-presents-beyond/id1637243805
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0h9HrbF63cZXjtg28it2PR?si=ozcekZDDQBuEgIiBqO-b1Q
BNH 1979 Tue Dec 25 Beyond the Near Horizon
With Colonel Stephen Prather
ANNOUNCER
From an undisclosed location in the Upper Michigan Peninsula, it’s Beyond the Near Horizon featuring Colonel Stephen Prather. Now here’s your host, Colonel Stephen Prather.
INTRO
CSP
Thank you as always Stephanie. A hearty welcome to all of you out there joining us for the next little while as we journey together into the darkness, beyond the crest of the vanishing point and infinitely onward. It is Tuesday, December 25th. A very merry Christmas to everyone, including our interstellar listeners. As is tradition, tonight my friends I’m very pleased to say we will again present for you our predictions show. And as you might be anticipating that means we will be welcoming on our international line from the United Kingdom, Clairvoyant Audrey Partridge, who will be employing her extraordinary powers to give us the briefest of glimpses over the hedgerow into 1980.
The holidays always get me thinking about those folks from our past that have long since laid down the warm pretzel and exited mothership earth. I wish you all could have met my late cousin Bristo Porter. If ever there was a boil the celery with the chicken guy, that was him. Played three sports, ran for city council when he was 17, had his own business making custom, anatomically enhanced wrestling figures which he sold to a handful of discrete clients.
Bristo was only about a decade older than me and I suppose I looked up to him. It was always a little adventure when my mother drove us that hour or so in our rusty Chrysler Roadster across the state line to visit. He and the rest of the Porter family lived in a little burg named Malaysia, Iowa, right on highway 65, in a line of modest two bedroom prefabs. These were all holdovers built for labourers from the Arizona Felt Furniture Factory owned by Troy Otterman. Now in case the name didn’t give it away, Arizona Felt only sold their furniture in Arizona owing to the perennially dry climate, but that ended very abruptly in 1951 when Arizona had one of its wettest years in history. Troy vanished like mustard in a furnace, the factory shut down, but the houses remained in use for about a half dozen families, including the Porter clan.
Bristo was always outgoing and two houses down from his parents place, he befriended a little blond girl named Annabella Mesozoic. They were friends, then dated in high school and even set out to university together at Eastern Central College of the Lower Humanities, where they both majored in Nitechien welding if I remember correctly. Things started to take a downward swing for Bristo about a semester in.
Annabella met a very enigmatic dairy sciences student from Stockholm named Ishfan, who had a habit of communicating with people via a rather unnerving puppet harlequin named Pip, which he always carried with him. She absolutely fell under his spell and dropped poor Bristo like suspenders in a bordello.
Bristo leaves college, completely dejected, winds up back home at his parents place. On most days, he just sits alone on the little concrete steps in front, staring across the highway at the Crystal Goblet Motel. Refused to interact with anyone, they bring his meals out to him and he sleeps curled up on the steps staring at the motel.
Well about six months later, word comes down that Ishfan and Annabella are going to be married. The news spreads like gonorrhea on a shrimp boat. Not only is Bristo suddenly gone the next day, but the Crystal Goblet Motel, which by rotten luck was closed for repairs had been absolutely wrecked overnight, signs in the swimming pool, busted windows, chairs in the parking lot. The whole Keith Moon.
The bride and groom on hearing this are understandably a little nervous and hire one of the local Lutheran street choirs for security on the wedding day over at the Tab Hunter Pavillion of Love. But the ceremony goes off without a hitch. Annabella, Ishfan and Pip thank the guests and head up to the Island of Desire suite. When they click on the light Annabella notices immediately a big lump under the bedspread in the middle of their queen size accommodation.
Ishfan readies Pip to speak and Annabella pulls back the covers. Mind you this was years before The Godfather came out, but there right in the center laid a fiberglass horse sawed off its base with a note taped to it. Turns out this was the carcass of a little mechanical horse named Ignominy (ig nuh-mi-nee) that had stood near the front lobby entrance of the Crystal Goblet.
Annabella knew immediately what this was and was more angry than frightened, apparently she and Bristo used to play on Ignominy (ig nuh-mi-nee) all the time when they were growing up. Turns out the note was the real problem. Bristo somehow managed to write it in Swedish. I won’t do it justice but it came out something like (Doo-bee-ah-drog-mehg) which apparently is very close to “you betrayed me” in Swedish.
Well Ishfan was convinced this was from Pip. He ran out of the Tab Hunter Pavilion of Love screaming back and forth with his puppet in tearful fits of Swedish, presumably headed back to Stockholm. Annabella only saw Bristo one more time when she testified for the prosecution at his trial a year later for illegal manufacture and distribution of artificial pork rinds.
I never had the nerve to visit Bristo in prison and before I had a chance to reconsider he died accidentally when he over-cinched a male girdle prototype. Ever the entrepreneur to the end.
You mostly remember the good things, though and I still remember the advice Bristo gave me when I was eleven. He said “don’t let anyone named Loretta store your cocaine and never surf naked in Armenia with men who sell Kalashnikovs” Really stuck with me and I’ve had good success in life following that simple guidance.
Up next birthdays. Stay tuned.
COMMERCIAL
Rashes, painful blisters, violent spitting urges, unpredictable mood swings. If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms my friends, you may have suffered a reaction to the once popular Vege Dous Delight aerosol product and the Van Green Law Firm wants to speak with you.
We all remember the early days of Vege Dous delight. It felt like a dream come true, an amazing time-saving technology that seemed to have come from the future. As it turned out, it was only the beginning chapter of an absolute nightmare.
It was on these very airwaves that I broadcast an entire evening gripped by vivid and terrifying apparitions resulting from my habitual use of this product. You have since heard me apologize to my brother Proctor, the Prime Minister of India and to all of the fine professionals at the Lansing Municipal Zoo. Being incarcerated gave me the separation and clarity I needed to fully recover. Better than this though, I had Van Green on every leg of that journey.
He’s a name familiar in legal circles and among the general public chiefly for his tireless efforts in the courts to prove once and for all that scented balloons do not belong on the food pyramid and are not fit for consumption.
The $22.10 I received as a result of the fine work of the Van Green Law Firm in my Vege Dous Delight suit returned to me the dignity I had lost in such a humiliating fashion. I firmly believe they will do the same for you. So give them a call with your story at 502-826-7433 that’s 502 “VAN RIDE” or write them at Van Green Law c/o Pete’s Grocery Number 3, 14 Pitt Street, Elizabethtown KY, 42701. As Van says, you may be permanently scarred by your poor choices, but that doesn’t mean you can’t profit from them. When you get the compensation you deserve, you’ve got Van Green.
BIRTHDAYS
I don’t often say this, but we have far too many celebrity birthdays today-way too many to get to. This reminds of our last interview with Father Ricardo Rodondo of the Church of The Resonating Covespring-many of you might remember his famous-baby factory theory—the idea being that there is a facility frequented by the elite class outside Asheville, NC where designer children can be picked up like an order of Lo Mein at the Happy Dragon Palace next door to us here. I think the jury is still out, but when the birthdays pile up like they did today, it does gives one pause.
Without further delay. Singer Frank Sinatra is 64. Have to say I’m more of Jimmy Tenders fan, myself. Also, I’m not in love with Sinatra’s cover of “You Made me Feel like a Natural Woman.”
Gameshow host Bob Barker is 56. Guess the price-what is the show Yuri? Price is Right. I probably shouldn’t mention this on the air, but my aunt Eufala actually runs a betting room based entirely on this show. I don’t know how much she actually makes in that concern, but she wears a lot of pink fur. That cannot be cheap.
Songstress Dionne Warwick is 39. Yuri remind what she did? Okay. Did she do Sex Machine? No. No, I don’t know that one.
As I said, lots of others, but I want to get to the listener birthdays so let’s get into that.
Picket Man. Picket Man. Our frequent caller, occasional guest and mealworm expert is 285 today. Now before you pick up the phones, recall that Picket Man owes his name to his original occupation, which was as a guard for a 17th century French squid merchant, Lamoh Dufont. Our good friend was apparently frequently disobedient and as punishment was made to stand on one leg atop a sharp stick. Common practice at the time. Silver lining-Pick-as he is called by his friends- cites an all squid diet as the secret of his extraordinary longetivity. I understand he currently works as a teacher’s aid in a Junior High School in Nebraska, so we might argue he’s still being punished for prior Insubordinate behavior.
Professor Thomas Yilk who is leading the hexadecimal initiative ‘Beef Cafe’ for universal adoption of that numbering system is 0x37 today.
Katie Orberluber from Ice Spire Minnesota is 46. Marisol and I thank you for again for this years solstice gift, the limestone sculpture of a Zebra intestine. It’s visually striking and one heck of a conversation starter. Do have to keep towels under it though.
Oracle Richardson is 35. If you listen to the show, you know that Oracle is on a pretty epic quest to be arrested for a misdemeanor in every one of the 3100+ counties in the United States. That’s really something. I do hope he will be able to resume soon. I think many find it baffling as to why De Sota county Florida decided to make public urination a felony with a 20 year minimum sentence. I also know a lot of you out there receive Oracle’s monthly newsletter as I do where he usually includes a wish list. He has asked again this month for the third month running for linseed oil. You will need to conceal it in something when you send it-I can’t recommend enough The Secret Bear Company which operates out of Toronto, which is what I use. For around fifteen dollars they will hide just about anything in a bear and send it to the address you provide them. You don’t get more handy than that.
So happy birthday wishes all around.
When we return, we set course for the 1980s with clairvoyant Audrey Partridge. That’s next.
COMMERCIAL
No one likes to talk about constipation. When we were approached by this sponsor, I was hesitant, fearful that my own repulsion might prevent me from doing justice to the material. But the longer I considered the spot the more I realized that the ability to go is something that no free American should be deprived of.
This begs for some ingenuity and folks it doesn’t get more ingenious than the Flinger from Commandant LLC. You’ll see as I have that It’s the answer for many problems including constipation.
How does it work? If you’ve ever been to a chairlift at an amusement park you’re halfway there. And it doesn’t take much to get started. The Flinger stabilizing cage is easy to install in any bathroom. Once you have that mounted using your complimentary ceiling bolts, just snap in the high tensile tungsten - and yes I did say Tungsten - supporting cables, hook in the harness and you’re set.
When the time arrives, pop on your custom Flinger poncho, drop trou, jump in the harness, and grab both of the easy to reach rip cords. When you’re ready, give those things a yank and get ready for a ride worthy of Coney Island. The patent pending Flinger harness rail system will perform a controlled vertical shake-just visualize the last time you ordered a martini and you’ve got the idea. Anything—and I do mean anything —in your passage way will head for the exits.
As for those side benefits I mentioned, I’ve gotta tell you my back has never felt loser and more fluid than it does now. My walk is so modified, my doctor wanted to send me in for xRays. I politely declined.
Commandant LLC also wants to address the dismounting mishap of Carl Indermull of Cleveland, OH. While the company offers its most sincere condolences to the Indermull family, it does wish to highlight that an independent study found Mr Indermull’s condor wing customization was largely responsible for his unfortunate ensnaring in the apparatus. The important thing is that when used correctly, the Flinger will enrich your life and provide daily, solid entertainment. Honestly, you’re going to have trouble keeping the kids off it. My nephews are obsessed with this thing.
Talk with an expert installer today at 1-800-354-6463 or 1-800-FLING-ME They’ll arrange for a home visit where they will make conceptual sketches right on the spot. About two weeks later you’ll enjoy a private screening at their local offices of a custom, animated film to help you better envision your future Flinger installation. Trust me folks it is life changing. It’s the Flinger by Commandant LLC: let your life flow.
INTERVIEW PART 1
CSP
Alright, joining us on our international line now from the United Kingdom is an expert visionary known to many of you who follow this program. She holds the record for correct, consecutive sunny day forecasts for the Atacama Desert in Chile and most recently accurately anticipated the Austrian houndstooth textile shortage in Spring of this year. We’re happy to welcome our good friend and world renown clairvoyant Audrey Partridge. Audrey can you hear us okay?
AP
Yes General Prather, I can hear you plain and strong and clear on this end.
CSP
Great news, Colonel is fine. Before we get into the main business, I know you keep extremely busy-catch us up with the latest in your world Audrey.
AP
Very busy indeed. In mid November, I attempted for a third time to interview roofing contractor Barnett Shushter in regards to the cabal of Scottish Mushroom Shrew that have reportedly assumed financial control of several villages in North Yorkshire. He escaped on foot as I pursued him through a ceramic dental appendage conference at the Ulcer Gardens. Beyond that, I’ve only just come back from a short trip to the south of Upper Hemp Squireshempshire.
CSP
Don’t know if I’m familiar with that particular village. Is that in the Cots?
AP
Well, it’s due west of East Northingham Blister Terrace for those of you not from the UK.
CSP
Named for Lord Admiral Blister of the fifth mounted engineers. Inventor of the little butter pats you see in restaurants.
AP
I’m afraid that’s catastrophically wrong. Nonetheless, I found the experience harrowing and the weather demonic, which was not unusual. We were harassed by waves of homicidal Razorbills throughout, which is odd for being over a hundred miles inland. Nonetheless, I was only out spreading ashes in honour of my dear Leonard.
CSP
My condolences Audrey, I hadn’t realised Leonard had passed away.
AP
Oh no, he hasn’t quite. It was just a bit of a warm up. He’s an awful mess though so it shouldn’t be that long really.
CSP
Very interesting, now that I roll that around, it wouldn’t surprise me if more folks starting taking that kind of proactive approach.
AP
Yes, there’s a great many things that can go wrong with the spreading of ashes. I was out a few weeks prior and had an awful misunderstanding with a Sikh gentleman. That’s certainly a birthday party his daughter will never forget. I do wish them all a very quick recovery indeed.
CSP
And you recently celebrated a birthday did you not?
AP
Ah yes, in November, I turned 88 if you’re counting in terrestrial years.
CSP
Interesting, there were exactly 88 members of my brother Proctors lacrosse team arrested for racketeering in Portland last week. And as the time tends to rocket by, I say we just jump right into these-
AP
Yes, let’s not waste another moment.
CSP
Alright. We start with international affairs. Now, last December you predicted-Audrey-that an eastern European nation planned to invade a country in the Americas over a canned brisket dispute.
AP
Yes, I can comfortably reveal now that the two principles involved were Lithuania or the Lithuanian Soviet Socialist Republic if you prefer and the adversary, the country of Uruguay.
CSP
The year’s not quite over yet, but I haven’t read anything about - if you forgive the term - a beef between Lithuania and Uruguay.
AP
No, I’m pleased to say - as I was able to intervene behind the scenes and successfully defuse tensions.
CSP
Kudos to you Audrey, for refusing to stand on the sidelines. A lot of your colleagues put on their goggles and pull the plastic over their shorts, but you take action on your predictions.
AP
I certainly don’t lollygag, especially when lives are at stake. In this case, I contacted the ambassadors for both countries and through the course of the year managed to secure several private meetings with each head of state. I expect this to be out in the press soon, so I’m happy to get in front of it. It was very basic. I slept with all the parties involved and through misdirection convinced them to jointly invest in an international chain of brothels for the hearing impaired.
CSP
Sleepovers, very creative.
AP
Let me be clear, Inspector. I had sexual Intercourse with every man jack of them. This required all the guile I could manage and a significant expansion of my wardrobe, which differed greatly between Uruguayan el presidente Mendez, and his counterpart Lithuanian First Secretary Griškevičius (griska-vissee-us), who liked to be called Grizzie.
CSP
You’re quite the feminist, Audrey, any conflicting feelings about engaging in a serial orgy of this intensity?
AP
To the contrary. I make my own decisions and this was a mission in service of humanity. Not to mention that Leonard had the comfort of his automaton Beatrice back home at the Annex to rely upon to relieve his own frequent and insatiable burden. Uruguay was particularly challenging as I had to work my way through most of the cabinet as well. This involved a good deal of research on a two handed technique that the minister of transportation was obsessed with. Choice of lubricant was vital.
CSP
You’ve got that right. Good lubricant can be hard to find. When he was still in Ankara, my brother in law Fisel, out of desperation picked some up in a tanning salon and used it in his tractor. He did one more row of sugar beets and that was all she wrote.
AP
Particularly confusing is that you have a self-heating lubricant called Passion Finger sold in a .333 liter jar. Well, it turns out there are two companies that make a product of identical name, both located in Van Nuys, CA.
CSP
Site of the Ringdale String Quartet UFO abduction
AP
Quite. The first jar of Passion Finger was made by a firm called “Tamara’s Saucy Secret” turned out to be rather gritty and this was quite evident as I was applying it. One of the few moments of honest danger during the whole affair. Tamara would have done quite well to keep that crunchy nightmare hidden, I have to say.
CSP
I wish I had another show just to dig into lubricant. We had Pastor Carson of Unity Sphere Tabernacle last month and after that discussion I’m not so sure standard lubricant isn’t produced without supernatural assistance. How about next year, Audrey? What do you see on the horizon in 1980?
AP
Well, as you know the big news from yesterday is that the Soviets have invaded Afghanistan. This has triggered many visions
CSP
Right, ironically under the terms of the Soviet Afghan friendship treaty as they called it
AP
Not the sort of friend I would seek out. I now predict that in January, 1980. The Soviet Union invades Afghanistan
CSP
Not to be picky, but didn’t they just do that?
AP
Yes, but the Supreme Marshall of the 33rd aquatic infantry detachment out of Blini forgot his ABBA themed canvas bag. They all had to pop back for that and then have another go
CSP
I read somewhere this happened to Rommel with his touring shorts during the North African campaign. Point of order, watch your diet like a hawk when you’re wearing those things, that khaki is an unforgiving country.
AP
I next predict in April 1980 that Linda Ronstadt will assume power in Austria and name herself chancellor. For reasons unknown, all public restaurants will be immediately required to field mariachi trios.
CSP
You know I have to say at the risk of sounding callous. That’s quite a resume, singer, songwriter, dictator.
AP
I see next in June 1980 that the province of Nova Scotia invades itself. As a Canadian affair, the participants determine that actual bloodshed would come off been impolite, so surrogates are employed. I will say that the site of thousands of Jacque Cartier mannequin heads floating in the Bay of Fundy is absolutely unnerving.
CSP
At the risk of offending my brothers and sisters to the north, when you dominate ice hockey as they have, I think it makes you a little Napoleonic.
AP
Dateline August 1980. I predict that Pope John Paul II will agree to join the cast of Mork and Mindy, portraying an extraterrestrial junkie named Tamborine.
CSP
I applaud it. It’s about time they injected some more realism into that show.
AP
Finally, in November 1980. Linda Ronstadt
CSP
Back already
AP
Linda Rondstadt defeats Charlton Heston in a mele contest in Stephansplatz square. She declares herself Königin Hündin (kun-i-goon ven-dun), which loosely translates to Queen Bitch and displays Heston’s head at the Vienna DMV for a week.
CSP
You know you see Planet of the Apes you think that guy is pretty good shape, but sounds like Ronstadt got the drop on him. We will take a short break, and then as is custom, put on the Wayne Newton and our continue journey through the time vortex to delve into the misty expanses of future days with Audrey Partridge. Stick with us.
COMMERCIAL
It’s can be very, very awkward dealing with body odor. I’ve always recognised myself as lucky that my amazing wife Marisol was born with the ability to smell only talcum. Not everyone is so fortunate. If you’re like me, you might have a friend or two that have sequestered themselves due to the presence of malevolent odors. My cousin Gaither comes to mind, and I have to say Gaither, if you’re listening, I hope they let you out of your container today.
For years, there have been few options, ranging from watered down perfumes to aluminium zirconium, which doesn’t sound like something I want to put under my arms. Well, what if I told you the answer to this age old problem might have just dropped in our laps from outer space?
Like so many of you, I’ve consumed since the 1950s the work of former marine and UFO journalist and author Donald Keyhoe and thanks to him and many others, we’ve known for years that countless sightings and captured technologies are being hidden from us by our not-so-benevolent, overprotective government.
Well, that’s about to change thanks to entrepreneur Cal Rando, whom you might remember for his line of woven milkweed men’s apparel, the Cal Rando Collection. Well, he’s back from a fact-finding mission in Biloxi MIssissippi and boy has he brought back a zinger. It’s a substance adapted from a captured Venusian agriculture probe and in wide use by the CIA laundry intervention group.
I’m talking about Green Glow Radiance, and when you get a look at a bottle of this stuff, you’re going to be tempted as I was to slather the thick, rich neon green contents all over your body. But here’s the thing, Green Glow Radiance is made to drink. It works from the inside, folks. Every package comes with a dose sized cup. One of those every morning after your shower and get ready for your life to change.
Green Glow Radiance is going to replace your existing, socially repugnant odor with a smell I can only describe as pleasantly scorched scrambled eggs. And oh by the way, did I mention that it does in fact make you glow? Over time, you won’t think twice about crossing busy streets or boulevards in semi or total darkness. And since wearers of Green Glow Radiance tend to leave visible trails wherever they walk, it’s recommended for parents desperately trying to keep track of their little ones. Just use a half dose to avoid convulsions.
There’s only one way to order, that’s toll-free 1-800- (D-I-E) DIE-ODOR or 1-800-343-6367. They’ll send you an information packet with full color glossies of Cal Rando in three different western themed outfits, along with liability waivers and monthly order form. My forearms are a little numb, but I have to say I love the stuff and hope you will too. Go get your Green Glow Radiance, won’t you?
INTERVIEW PART 2
CSP
Boy oh boy. Have we learned a lot already. We’re back with clairvoyant Audrey Patridge. So far, we’ve been talking about events pretty far removed from our everyday lives. But, now we’re about to hit the home front. Audrey, I have to say, as usual, Im feeling a little nervous about continuing this discussion.
AP
I absolutely understand the trepidation Field Marshall, but as I’ve always told Leonard, if you can reach it, you can put ointment on it.
CSP
Wise words. Let’s turn to the domestic pages then, shall we? I think the prediction that stands out from last December was the Phoenix, Arizona mayoral race. And this is why we put our trust in you Audrey, as you predicted, a candidate, claiming to be half-man, half-cougar did run for mayor.
AP
Yes, Loomis Gerand turned out to be that man. Were it not for his on-stage defecation during the victory speech and the run off it triggered, he would be making policy now, I must say.
CSP
Amazing stuff. Speaking of triggers, I know you like for us to play Danke Schoen by Wayne Newton to help bubble the visions up, but Yuri informed me during the break that our maintenance man Ian used it to jimmy the window on his Pinto this morning and that thing is shot. It was a re-release, so the b-side is his cover of “Brown Sugar” which you have told me gives you hives.
AP
Also tends to make me lactate, it’s a very strange reaction
CSP
Just a suggestion, but I thought for a change of pace, we could try a promo album we received a couple of days back from a band named Mrs. Spock. I like the vibe of this thing and I think you might be pleasantly surprised.
AP
We’ll make do, just as we did during the blitz
CSP
Yuri, you wanna roll that?
[MY BIG GREEN MAN BY MRS SPOCK PLAYS]
So hard in the depths of space
No-one here to lick my face
I want my freaky first officer
I need it long so I can prosper
When we mind meld I can see
An erotic reality
Meet you in the sick bay ten till three
You know I like it best when we’re at warp speed
I need your Vulcan love
I need
My big green man
I need your Vulcan love
I need
My big green man
AP
Are they saying my bunt cake pan?
CSP
My big green man, I think
AP
Extraordinary.
CSP
I’m not a down the middle disco guy but this is pretty darn haunting
AP
I think it will work superbly. The visions are certainly flooding me like never before…these are more out of time, I can only say they are likely to happen in the coming year. A shopping mall in Carson City Nevada will be the site of an interstellar dung beetle infestation. Strangely, this goes largely unnoticed and the 6 legged visitors open a successful Franz Kafka themed leather accessories store.
CSP
I was robbed by an Episcopalian at a shopping mall in Carson City once. They stripped me of my saffron coloured golf shirt and my pelvic sling. Audrey do you see a pet crematorium next to an auto parts store with a Lebanese sounding name?
AP
There’s nothing of what you mention. I do see within the winter months, the price of beef will reach 250 dollars a pound after a mass cattle abduction depletes livestock across the continent. Clint Eastwood will market a line of Tofu Shish Kebobs under the brand name ‘For a Few Curds More.’
CSP
My God, that’s apocalyptic.
AP
Quite. Martha’s Vineyard will see weeks of violence, looting and rioting when catamaran waxing in Dior sandals is outlawed
CSP
I hesitate to use the word tyranny, but you can only live under Pharaoh for so long. I shudder to think what would happen if they go after the fertility carvings at Captain Jiffys.
AP
In politics, Alfonso Ernesto Puntoreal, will be elected president of the United States running as a member of the Rain Barrel Freedom Party.
CSP
Who in Hades is Alfonso Ernesto Puntoreal I wonder?
AP
He’s a part-time bartender from Medellin.
CSP
Kentucky?
AP
Columbia
CSP
Well at least it’s Ivy League
AP
Also that autumn, a full-sized, wind up pickup truck that emits lavender musk will be released on to the market. It will be pulled only days later after it is discovered that most possums become obsessed with procreating with it.
CSP
Boy if that does’t remind me of my high school buddy from metal-working class, Von Cinderthrust. He loved Buicks. I mean he really loved them. It’s extremely sad when the law of the land prevents you from siring your destiny.
AP
This is shocking: the states of Minnesota and New Mexico will exchange residents, forming the states of New Minnesota and New New Mexico. North and South Carolina will merge and rename themselves Utah.
CSP
Utah is taken, is it not?
AP
Not after they voted unaminously to change their name to Ohio.
CSP
Glad I’ll be in Charlotte for the holidays.
AP
The one in Oregon?
CSP
There’s a Charlotte Oregon?
AP
Yes, but not the one you’re thinking of. Charlotte is to be annexed along with large portions of West Virginia by Ohio, before they rename the new territory Oregon.
CSP
As long as Marisol and I can get massage oil shipment to her grandmother, I’m happy.
AP
Well, if you’re looking for specific residents, they will be in Joplin Missouri, Sacramento CA or San Juan Puerto Rico depending on the first letter of their last name. And I also see something else from your future, Brigadier.
CSP
This has got to be the asparagus winery. Question is do I want to spoil the surprise?
AP
It is entirely your choice. If you wish to choose rank cowardice, you will not be judged.
CSP
Well, as I said when I tried to win back my mother’s wheelchair, hit me.
AP
You will at last be abducted by aliens.
CSP
Wow. I can only say -You put in the years I have on a lawn chair in your driveway, and you don’t sleep with a lot of clothing on to begin with, it’s worth the frostbite and the little stripes on your buttocks that never go away.
AP
You are taken on an extensive tour by your captors.
CSP
Ahhh yes, galactic center, Cassiopeia, the Orion system perhaps?
AP
Most of the trip will be focused in Nebraska.
CSP
Hm, well you can never eat enough chicken fried chicken at the Stick N/ Pick I guess. I assume the EPA has cleared out of there by now.
AP
I’m afraid I must take my leave to prepare for Leonard’s rubdown. The ingredients have to be prepared perfectly to avoid discolouration and blindness.
CSP
We appreciate all of your amazing insights Audrey. Merry Christmas and Happy 1980 to you and Leonard.
AP
Hold on please. Leonard, you’ve left your vinyl leggings on the footrest again.
[BUZZING SOUND]
Turn that off this instant!
[DISCONNECTS]
CSP
Fascinating, frightening and hopeful as always. It’s not always a comfortable thing to look into the future, but when you wear jeans out of the dryer, that button is going to burn your tender bits. We will find out together as the year unfolds whether that burn leaves a scar. I have to thank again Kallie and her husband Hector from the Coal Exchange for the Salmon Jello Loaf. My nephew Orson took a crack at it. A little alarming that his head is continuing to swell, but I’ve been told that and the hallucinations will only last another 36 hours. Gourmet cuisine is an education that does not come cheap. Great thanks to our announcer Stephanie and to the always sprinting Yuri.
Tomorrow night, get ready for another visit with the time traveling plumber, Nick Rounderspice. He’s back from medieval Spain and he has a lot to say about the state of their sanitation, let me tell you. Until then do not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart your search for wisdom and knowledge, all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon. Good night.
