Inappropriate Use of a Podcast presents: Beyond the Near Horizon
Inappropriate Use of a Podcast presents: Beyond the Near Horizon
Aug 21, 1998 - Pastor Thomas Paul Knackery & Jenny Calista Yasmine Field Report
Colonel Stephen Prather interviews Pastor Thomas Paul Knackery from the Church of the Ascending Tension, Plus: a new report from Jenny Calista Yasmine and listener letters.
INAPPROPRIATE USE OF A PODCAST is proud to present encore presentations of the iconic radio program "Beyond the Near Horizon" with host Colonel Stephen Prather. Since 1975, this innovative program has explored the unexplained, the occult and other controversial topics. Featuring interviews with unconventional experts from across the intellectual spectrum, every program lives up to the promise of its creator Colonel Prather to "not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart the search for wisdom and knowledge." As he reminds, "all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon."
Podcast website: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2027077
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BNH 1998 Fri Aug 21 Beyond the Near Horizon
With Colonel Stephen Prather
ANCR: From an undisclosed location in the Upper Michigan Peninsula, it’s Beyond the Near Horizon featuring Colonel Stephen Prather. Now here’s your host, Colonel Stephen Prather.
INTRO
CSP:
Thank you Stephanie and to all those across the North American continent, expanses oceanic, intergalactic and the cyberspace vortex. We do appreciate you all materializing here for the next little while as we journey together into the darkness, beyond the crest of the vanishing point and infinitely onward. It is Friday, August 21st. I wanna say this right off the top. I had a spinal injection yesterday and I feel like frickin Superman. I would like to do an exhibition fight right now. If you listen to this show you know I’m no man of violence but lord do I wanna wrestle something.
Speaking of Wrestling, as it happens, on the show tonight, we welcome Pastor Thomas Paul Knackery from the Church of the Ascending Tension down in Libertyville, Kansas. He’s got an update on his excavation that started in the basement of the Devine Detention Tabernacle there, revealing a fascinating labywrinth of sewage tunnels dating back to the city’s founding. Boy, let me tell you, once he got beyond twenty feet or so, he really starting running into some interesting stuff. Gotta ask how desparate someone have to be to put a box of Carly Simon albums in a cylindrical pit and more importantly, what are they up to? So, strange motives afoot on the Kansan plains.
Before we get to that we also have a new field report from Independent Scholar and Journalist Jenny Calista Yasmine. We understand she’s somewhere south of Tuscaloosa. So we’ll check in with her momentarily-on one of the half dozen or so investigations she has in progress.
Very quickly, you should know that we have the results of our big giveaway for a brand new Paulson Ravenous Panther III 56K Modem. As they say in the commercial don’t just connect, ride that ravenous panther. We’re talking blazing fast here folks. We’ve hooked up our own here at the studio and I’ve gotta say it flies like a stepped on golfball. Just one example, the Portuguese Monkey Attack video which we’ve been chatting about the last two weeks. This video is 48 seconds long so not a short video by any means. We were able to download a copy of that off cheap n’ free .com in two and a half hours, so you do the math.
But on to the important part, Mr. Buck Prawn -Buck Prawn-of Atlanta Georgia is our lucky winner. He correctly named all six of Marisol’s criminal convictions. He’ll be receiving the Ravenous Panther III along with premium membership on thenameoftheshowisbeyondthenearhorizonwithcolonelstephenprather.com and an Astral Beginnings Lotion set, which comes with a free wicker cup and Astral Beginnings Lotion t-shirt. There was a small mix up there with the shirts and they are all toddler sized, so you can probably keep that sucker in the wrapper and wait for a friend or neighbor to pop one out. You’re gonna look super prepared I think.
We have to address also the website. Couple of things. We don’t know where the now notorious “rainbow piano keys” background image came from. And as for the suggestive poses, we looked at all of the models in that picture and outside of Sam Harbine, we don’t recognize any of the rest of them. Ian, who stepped up following Bjorn’s untimely departure has since updated it back to the starfield. He’s sleeping in front of the monitor each night, so if it changes, he’ll start his investigation then and there. All around mysterious affair.
That said, I looked at the counter on my PC today and I have 656,000 emails in my inbox. Last Tuesday, I had 35, so I don’t know what I’ve been signed up for. I have been able to sift through some of that by filtering out the word enhancement. I’ve got a dozen or so real notes about the website name and I hear your feedback clear as a wounded seagull. Deal is- we first take a fork to the shorts and pay a hundred dollars to register the Lo Mein game, Domain name alright-but the form for that thing was confusing as a headless hamster. I recognize the name of the site is a long one. Our first instinct was to just shorten what we already had, but one of our more enterprising fans has purchased the rights to at least 400 of the variations we tried. On that note, Sanjiv, we’re sure you’re listening and we received your ransom letter of sorts. While we would love to purchase one of the names you’re sitting on, we’re on a very tight budget, not to mention that I don’t think we can get our hands on that much shaving cream, at least not all at once.
So for others listening, with that whole mess in mind, my feeling is that many of you out there are much more savy with this internet stuff. We’ve obviously got Sanjiv on one end and I hope he finds a friend. But I think of Simona Satchie from Drifting Gardens NJ, who many of you know claims to be the first person born in cyberspace. You’re not going to find better experts than our listeners. So we’re going to draw the water of wisdom from the collective mind hive that all of you are a part of. As I said, we’re a little backed up on email, so if you have a shorter, catchier website name for the show, we’d like you to call into the Higher Plane Hotline, 1-800-438-4444 or 1-800 Get Higher spelled H-I-R-R. You can also send a telegram via our sponsor Western Wayfayers. Western Wayfayers reminds you that for birthdays, holidays or just saying hello, give the gift that truly no one will expect, the gift of a real telegram. Either way, we’ll read those on the air. I have a feeling that we’re gonna end up with something really special.
Lastly on this topic, a reminder that we do still have thenameoftheshowisbeyondthenearhorizonwithcolonelstephenprather.com website guides for sale. You get a lot for your money. The are 75 pages and are bound in a hard cover with the show logo. Really thorough guide to the website. Surgeons don’t open you up without doing a little reading and you don’t want to crack the chest of our website open with out this. On top of that it’s fun to read.. Obviously if we change the name of the website you can scratch out the old references and write the new one in the margins. We’re still in the middle of a beef with our credit card clearing house, but you can still send a check or money order for 59.95 to Beyond the Near Horizon Website Guide c/o the Organism Consortium, P.O. Box 45000 - forty five thousand - South Memphis Tennessee, 38106.
Yuri just handed me a note. This is from Edger47, I guess that’s a handle. Edger47 writes “hey geniuses, I just submitted this comment on the feedback form for your hopeless website. Did you even think that might be what it is for? Your show is the hole they pour stupid in, love Edge.” You know, I’m not going to wave a good idea off when it comes along. I have to admit I had completely forgotten that form thing was in there, so if you’re listening and you want to put your suggestion in that way, pop that wiener on the grill at thenameoftheshowisbeyondthenearhorizonwithcolonelstephenprather.com . One interesting thing-I think we’ll have to have Hendrix Tristan back on for certain. Last time he was on was just a few weeks ago in July we were chatting about the tenth anniversary re-release of his book, “The Coincidence Manifesto.” We normally spend most of our time talking about that string of murders in Finland believed to have been committed by a woman with the exact same first, last and middle name as Marisol. But I was showing him the website during the break and you want to talk impressive, he made a quick call on his cellular phone on a hunch and it turns out all 27 people that had submitted comments with the form on our website had been the victim of a serious property crime. Not sure what the number is up to now, but I would say to Edger47, be on the lookout for that and if something does go down, do give us a call and let us know what they took or damaged. Or you could use the website form, I guess, to get that back to us.
[JENNY CALISTA YASMINE]
CSP
Alright, so Yuri, I think we have Jenny ready for us on the hotline. Folks, you will know her name if you listen regularly. She’s contributed to this program since 1985, Independent Scholar and Journalist, specializing in the Occult. A Graduate of the Lake Huron Academy of Paranormal Sciences, obtaining a degree in Parapsychology with Specialization in Lunar Forestry. She has authored several books on various hauntings and oddities in the US and the world over, and earned this year the Amityville Award for best DIY Manual, that for “Case Studies in Disembodied Cutlery.” Super useful book by the way. That and many other achievements follow the name Jenny Calista Yasmine - Jenny can hear me?
JCY
Yes Stephen, I can hear you, thank you for that very kind introduction. Am I coming through okay?
CSP
A little static-y but not too bad. How’s the weather in Tuscaloosa?
JCY
I’m speaking to you from Durrës, Albania this week Stephen where we’ve been continuing our investigation into the whereabouts of the Woolen Boy.
CSP
Right, tough break, kid looks like a strawberry oven mitt.
JCY
I have a trove of findings to share with you on that front, but I wanted to make sure you got the voicemails I left you earlier this week while I was in transit.
CSP
I’m pretty sure. I do have to say that I don’t know that much about calfing. To be honest, as a layperson, I think you should take your uncle to the ER. To my knowledge it’s not normal for anyone to leak from that end.
JCY
Thank you Stephen. My messages were actually remarking on the very busy celestial calendar these last two weeks. Five different solar and planetary conjunctions alone. Of course the Perseid and Cygnid meteor showers.
CSP
Saturn’s retroactive last weekend -
JCY
Well, Saturn entered its retrograde motion.
CSP
I haven’t been approached, but I don’t make a habit of ranking the planets to be honest.
JCY
Add to all of this the Venus and Mercury conjunction next week and any versed observer could only view this as auspicious and we funneled that energy effectively in the Woolen Boy project. As you know we only have two photographs of the Woolen boy that have been circulating online, one of those is aerial and very difficult to interpret.
CSP
Right
JCY
The other one of course is the famous shot of him catching a fly ball in the stands of a San Diego Padres game next to an elderly vendor with a facial deformity that caused him to resemble a sort of stretched out version of the late actor Chuck Connors.
CSP
Ah yes, the Horned Man. Neither of those pictures are the best resolution, but we do have them up on the website. Folks you can just mouse click on the “Children with Problems Menu” to get in there and have a look. Jenny, I’m a little surprised not to find you in San Diego for that matter.
JCY
Well for one, the Horned Man has proven impossible to find and there is some suggestion, based on the reflection carrying over the face and the small Hardees sign attached to his shoulder in the photograph that he may have been photoshopped.
CSP
I’d like to go one year without being targeted by another photoshop scam. The one from March still stings like a broke rubber band. You know, you see Mary Conchito Alonzo on the surface of Mars, you get your hopes up. It takes a sadistic mind to do that if you ask me-
JCY
And this was the real eye-opener, Stephen, in the wake of the cease and desist order taken out by the Padres organization, on a whim we did some additional research and there are apparently fifty-six hundred and eleven cities or townships named San Diego, worldwide.
CSP
Dolph Lungren, that’s a lot.
JCY
Not to mention 1,243 of those field some version of the San Diego Padres.
CSP
Little league then, we’re talking?
JCY
No, if we include Little League that number shoots up to 2,808. However, examination of the catch photo clearly shows adult males in baseball uniforms in the background, so we can rule out the younger lot. Our team linguist Lindretta pointed out that there was a sponsorship patch for Spend-A-Pound on one of the players uniforms. This turns out to be a chain store in the United Kingdom specializing in travel toiletry resell.
CSP
They need to get a shop like that over here in the states pronto. I can’t imagine how much I’d blow in a place like that, not to mention smaller packages have to be better for the environment.
JCY
As you know we lost my assistant Jocelyn on the Squirrel Monkey Drop at Asphalt World last December while we were investigating Occultism at Tempe Rent a Car.
CSP
Sad stuff. You know, I’m not big on regulation, and it’s one thing to feature squirrel monkeys, but the biscuit has rolled under the table if you’ve got them operating the ride.
JCY
She will be missed. We sold the remainder of Jocelyn’s prosthetics collection at an impromptu estate sale in Encino to book passage to England. Unfortunately, after a week spent searching in the UK, it turns out there were no cities or villages there bearing the name San Diego.
CSP
Not to be critical, but I know they have atlases and maps at the library-did you consider giving those a go before you dove into that?
JCY
That was top of mind, Stephen, but we were in the Encino area at that point and you may recall that we are on year 2 of our ten year ban to entry to the California State Library System. This stemming from our 1996 Toilet Paper Flammability Study. Now, as you also know I am recovering from an addiction to bovine tranquilizers-
CSP
Those things get a bad rap in general. I think folks should ride the mule before they complain about the pasta.
JCY
Well, connected to that and at the end of that week in the UK, as I was making calls trying to arrange for a 4 gallon combination bucket of these to be delivered to the Bertrand Russell Day Spa in Sussex where we were staying at the time, the black marketer -whom we’ll call Kenny Wayne Shepherd for the purposes of this discussion—kept confirming an address in Albania. It turns out he had sent a load of eclair-shaped Methadone loaves along with some urine stained San Diego Padre uniforms sold at half price to an Albanian address for a woman who identified herself as Margaret Cho. This is where we heard the name Woodswayne for the first time.
CSP
Why in hades is Margaret Cho ordering baseball uniforms for a Celtic Tribute Band?
JCY
Stephen, Woodswayne is actually a replica English Village on the Albanian coast south of Durrës. This is my primary reason for being here with the unit. Interesting backstory: for years there’s been a movement and political party that started in the capital Tirana, named Pse Jo Ne, Britani (Say-Yo-Nay Bri-tah-nee) which translates to Why Not Us, Britain in Albanian. The idea was to encourage a sort of soft invasion by the British through dotting the coast with cozy villages to lure them in.
CSP
These folks should be a little careful about what they wish for. Then again, I don’t think Albania has ever been invaded, am I right?
JCY
Aside from the Romans, Visigoths, Huns, Bulgars, Slavs, Ottomans, Italians, Germans and Communists it’s been mostly quiet recently. So far there are only two of these villages that have been funded and built by Pse Jo Ne, Britani. The sister village down the coast in Vlorë Albania (Vlor-a) was purchased by a private equity firm and converted into a Der Wienershcnizel Family Park featuring a flaming schnauzer attraction, so Woodswayne stands on it’s own for now. We were prevented from openly entering Woodswayne during daylight hours due to an NHO issued at the request of the local-
CSP
I’m sorry, Jenny Neptune, Hemorrhoid, Oracle, NHO?
JCY
Yes, that’s a non harassment order-It’s the equivalent of our restraining order back in the states. The NHO was sworn out at the insistence of the local unitary council.
CSP
You know I’ve never had too much trouble from Unitarians. I assume they must be a little more aggressive over there. I tried the diet once. You know if you could shape Tofu at all I think I would have really stuck with it.
JCY
Well Stephen, I think this situation might refer to something different, this is sort of a of local village council I guess you could say.
CSP
It baffles me why the Brits haven’t tried to clean up some of these terms. I mean let’s all try to get along here.
JCY
True enough, but we have to remember that these are Spaniards pretending to be Brits. They just happen to be very well researched.
CSP
I thought this was in Albania-
JCY
It is, more or less. Pse Jo Ne, Britani actually has behind it a long-standing Spanish expat community based out of Tirana.
CSP
Didn’t we run a story on the website last year about Canadians pretending to be Spaniards living in Turkey?
JCY
Yes, your memory is spot on. It’s entirely possible these are Canadians pretending to be Spaniards living in imitation English villages in Albania, given the proximity to Turkey. That aside, it seems like there’s a really focused hatred over here for your program and as soon as they recognized that we were affiliated with the show, things really got nasty quickly.
CSP
Is this the dustup over the Anton Lavey Nesting Doll again? I don’t know why folks hold on to this stuff. We had these things made overseas, but I thought they were pretty darn good quality. And who looks at the packaging for things in a reflection, even if it does spell “Die England Die” in the hall mirror? That’s nobody’s fault.
JCY
Well, it actually doesn’t involve the Matryoshka (muh-tree-owsh-kuh) dolls. Their main complaint is the treatment of the Barbary sisters-the twins from Liverpool.
CSP
Not ringing a bell.
JCY
They seem to object to your repeated suggestions that you had found genealogical links between Jonna and Gabby Barbary and the Portland Oregon Chimaera Beast.
CSP
Alright, hold the rooster. I know what this is-Jenny-and naturally no offense to you—but boy am I sorry we ever had Baldwin Reed guest host. I expected better ethics from a lacrosse champion to be honest, even if it was amateur.
JCY
I don’t remember a Baldwin Reed guest hosting-
CSP
That’s the confusing part, he referred to himself as Colonel Stephen Prather throughout the show and everyday afterwards. The whole thing has been nothing but a pair of loaded Pampers. I still get credit card bills to this day. Let me tell you, I’ve never known anyone so obsessed with signed Monty Hall glossies.
JCY
I didn’t realize that Stephen. Well, I did manage a brief phone interview with Allecia Garnett, whom I’m excited to say I have confirmed as mother of the Woolen Boy. I’ll play that for you now.
CSP
Fantastic let’s hear it.
[Tape starts]
[Interview sound is distorted to the point that it cannot be deciphered a all]
[noise continues throughout]
JCY
She may sound a little sleepy, I wound up having to call her a lot later than I wanted.
CSP
Comes off a little slushy.
JCY
She really opened up to me, I was very surprised.
[pause/noise]
She seemed to be very attracted to our staffer Zed.
CSP
That really comes across.
[pause/noise]
JCY
That joke is a little racy, but I didn’t have a way to remove it from the recording.
[pause/noise]
CSP
That’s fine. Is that a rock polisher?
JCY
It’s one of the neighbor boys singing outside the window.
[more useless noise]
This part is very touching I think.
CSP
Did she say she bit down into rubber?
JCY
No, there she was talking about Tony Blair. She gets really political from here forward. I’ll stop the tape.
[ Tape stops ]
Unfortunately, I did not speak with Mitchy directly, but we did get to watch him out the window overlooking the back patio. Suffice to say, the women in the household are very protective of him.
CSP
Who’s Mitchy?
JCY
The Woolen Boy. She mentions him several times in the recording.
CSP
That’s amazing Jenny. This one I’ve got a load of questions on. Right off the top, we can put an end to our office pool after a grueling six months, is he canabalistic?
JCY
I’m afraid he is not canabalistic. He subsists almost entirely on a diet of canned creamed corn.
CSP
Daggonit. Second time that’s happened with creamed corn. Next question, does the Woolen Boy fly?
JCY
This one is a little murky. Zed, Troy and I split on this. I’ll give you my take first: I think he flies, but he moves really fast, in a single direction and doesn’t have much control. Zed and Troy claimed he is just jumping off the roof. Reasonable people can disagree obviously.
CSP
I’d say that’s a yes on the power of unassisted flight. Not to be be too biased, but I think Zed and Troy are just afraid of the unknown. Neither of them tried the fruit jello at Yuri’s belated christening party and I haven’t seen either of them wear the Beyond the Near Horizon Crosstraining Shorts we passed out on Bastille Day. Some lessons in courage right there.
JCY
Insightful as always. Stephen, we’re shopping this recording with every major network now. You can expect to see this story everywhere in a matter of days.
CSP
With a recording like that, no surprise. Jenny thanks very much and safe passage back to the states.
JCY
We’re actually headed East. I don’t have to remind you of Bjorn’s Rafter’s recent, untimely death.
CSP
We were just talking about that. All around awful story. One heck of an athlete and quite the engineer. Just have to say as tempting as it is cook with transmission lines—and they give wild game in particular a unique flavor—it’s just bad news to mix that with tailgating, collegiate or pro.
JCY
As it happens, he also left the show a collection of prosthetics. We’ll be liquidating those to fund our travel to Myanmar. If you consult your Burmese mythology, you’ll readily recognize the Belu-
CSP
Man eating shape-shifter-
JCY
The same. There have been dozens of accounts recently that Singh Pranav, proprietor of the Uncle Singh’s Curry and Fritters restaurant chain in Myanmar has been knowingly employing Belu to work his kitchens as they don’t appear to have an aversion to extreme heat and they operate at reduced labor costs. We’re looking to time our arrival there around an Osmond Family Reunion special being filmed in Mandalay. I expect to call in with that report in the next week and a half.
CSP
Yet another paranormal overlap with the Osmonds. Jenny, thank you. We’ll look for that. Jenny Calista Yasmine folks, who has netted the mysterious and depressed-looking Woolen Boy. When we return, your letters and emails, stay tuned.
COMMERCIAL
You know, I can still recall the fascinating stories my mother related to young Proctor and I about her first family, before the life we all knew. This was years before meeting my father in April 1941 when they were both working as volunteers handing out cigarettes to victims of the Mohana Coal Plant explosion in Baltimore. Before she became Mrs. Leonard Partisan Prather, she raised eleven children out of wedlock, despite giving birth to none of them.
In the years before my eleven step-siblings peeled off to fight in the Spanish Civil War and eventually serve in Franco’s Entertainment and Leisure cabinet, they were holed up with my mother Agnes in the grey, lean days of the Great Depression.
Two things ring in my memory from the many stories she shared with us. One was the recipe for her rustic Carrot Tar Soup and the other was her guile at obtaining and hiding valuables. Like many folks in the old days, my mother hid her money in the mattress, and since she had eleven children to care for in the first go round, that meant she had two whole mattresses to work with. Her checking and savings account of sorts.
For most of my adult life banking has been a far cry from the convenience and peace of mind my mother had. That is until I found about Slumber Savings & Loan. From the crochet border on the sign to the hummingbird feeder next to the mahogany front door at each branch, you’ll know immediately, this is a different type of financial institution.
Safe and securely underwritten by the Jordanian Ministry of Tourism, you’ll feel that Slumber difference as soon as you step onto the plush carpet of their cozy front desk area. What you won’t find are zombie-like bank tellers, sterile marble floored echo chambers or garish FDIC Insured signs all over the place. Instead, you’ll be greeted by one of Slumber S&L’s grey-haired matrons, ready to direct you to your private banking room. From your first visit and onward, these chatty denizens will never lack for comments on your appearance and explanations of their skin care regiment. You’ll be allowed to refer to your comforting guide by Memaw, Grammy, Nana or the endearing term of your choice, each with their own unique eyeglass chains and tissue box accessories combo. Grim, emotionally distant, elderly men are also available upon request in a variety of high-waisted jeans.
When you open the cedar door to your private banking room, you’ll immediately notice the temperature increase and a penetrating aroma with notes of musk deer, cinnamon and menthol. Enjoy the floral wallpaper, light switch doilies, abandoned embroidery hoops and decorative plates adorned with phrases alternating between bold sexual innuendo and the owners love for the savior. Quilt collections, china cabinets, cast iron bed and a connected commode outfitted with a cushioned vinyl toilet seat are all standard.
Taken all together, this offers you perhaps the most valuable service-choice. Split up your assets to confuse any potential thieves-tuck them in the always popular mattress, maybe a little cash wrapped in foil does the jacque Cousteau in the toilet tank. They’ve had folks hide a few hundreds in that saran wrapped almond bark from 1980-no one alive would dare touch that.
I have to say though, the security the folks at Slumber S&L offer will season your filet. All doors are left unlocked-that’s right-unlocked. When any unauthorized person enters your abode of avarice, the temperature begins to increase from the already cozy 97 degrees all the way up to a balmy 130 Fahrenheit, with every one of the six humidifiers in the room on full blast. By the way the minute the would be rogue entered, the 1992 Lee Greenwood album ‘Love is on the Way’ begins playing on continuous loop at one quarter speed. Of the six hundred desperate thieves who attempted entry last year, only one survived and he now interacts with the outside world banging out morse code on salad spoons.
You’ll find branches in most every town with a population under six thousand, so it’s time for you to visit the Slumber Savings and Loan near you and get back to the basics of money management. No monthly fees and a range of competitive interest rates await you. Like my mother always said, “if anyone comes near the mattress while I’m out, stab them in the kidney with this steak knife.” Slumber Savings and Loan, start making your own unforgettable memories today.
LETTERS
CSP
I was just lifting up my coffee cup here and it reminds me we have a truly fascinating individual on the show next week, Armaury Babette. I just watched this guy a couple of weeks back on the Mexican talkshow, “Mis Palabras son Fuego” and if you’ve ever been curious about cup rings on furniture as I have - boy am I glad to have this guy around. He’s performed thousands of cup-ring readings on kitchen counters, coffee tables, you name it. Years ago he read a nest of these suckers on a console table at his Great Aunt’s place in Tel Aviv and accurately predicted Japan would win the bid for the winter olympics this year. He’ll be here promoting his new book, “Wait a Minute Before You Clean That,” which I’ve read and I think it’s fantastic. One of the chapters in there on bathtub hair fibers has me fixated on those now. I was in the shower for four hours on Monday decoding these things and poor Marisol called 911. You have not lived until you burst out of the curtains in the full Greek in front of a crew of paramedics. .
Alright. Our first email is from Brahma Xolani at Burkina Faso Import Explosion dot com. Dear friend, it starts, I ask you as you begin reading this letter to involve as few people as possible. Your life will be in danger from rocks and possibly knives as soon as this delicate matter exposes itself to you. If you are versed in international affairs, you may recognize my family name Xolani from our well-know brand of diesel-powered, riding vacuums. These are not only a favorite of consumers throughout Belgium, but provided distinguished service in the Sixth War of Frustration fought against the Sokoto Caliphate, a poorly dressed regime whose holdings included Cameron, Niger, Nigeria and my homeland Burkina Faso.
My concern in writing is my brother Borealis Xolani, who is in danger of losing his birthright. I myself am already a wealthy man many times over (just one example of this alone is my ownership of the entire Cagney and Lacey boxset dubbed in Korean on VHS with commentary), the laws of Burkina Faso are quite draconian and do not allow me to purchase so much as a sandwich for Borealis without risking my own execution. As for Borealis, he is deep in the wilderness of British Columbia filming a situation comedy, “The Elderly Wolves,” and we have had no success in reaching him via phone, mail or fax. Emails are also unable to reach anyone in BC, as there is severe flooding in the area and the waters have risen too high for electronic communications to get through.
He continues. By the time our father Rick passed away after consuming undercooked yam, Borealis had already left to film The Elderly Wolves which also stars former Olympic gymnast Mary Lou Retton. -They’re going to be sorry on that one. Beyond the obvious suffering of the heart, the ugly gears of monied affairs were triggered and now we are left with only two weeks to claim my dear brother’s inheritance of 352.6 billion dollars. I am not a dishonest man, but I am asking you, a stranger—the receiving party for this letter— to impersonate Borealis and claim the money so that he is not left with empty hands on his return.
If you can agree to this and provide your bank account and routing information post haste, I or a servant of my choosing will send you back the message we need you to send to the Burkina Faso Department of Deceased Affairs, along with a phonetic guide to impersonating my brother’s unique speaking accent. We will allow you to keep 10% of the 352.6 billion dollars. We know this is not much money for your trouble, but hope you will consider helping us out.
Sincerely Brahma Xolani, son of Rick.
Thank you for your letter, Brahma. I don’t know a whole lot about estate planning.
I hate to see anyone put in a tough position, because it can often effect your critical thinking. I don’t think your plan is necessarily flawed, but the problem is that I’m actually already impersonating two other people who live British Columbia. To be honest it was just some harmless fun while an old high school friend of mine tried to get some assets relocated to New Zealand, but the bigger point is that the authorities up there do not take kindly to it. Normally I would be pleased a plumber to see my face on a billboard, but this is not one of those times.
Now, unlike most letters, Yuri actually had me read this one prior to our airing. As it turns out, we’ve had a little bit of mustard on the mashed potatoes here the last few months. Marisol is absolutely hooked on those shopping channels. Well, she was double fisting the Jim Beam like a club hammer back in March when she lost a couple grand on the Lewis-Briggs fight. To put it short, she spent a night screaming at the television and in the morning we were owners of a food supply warehouse in the Dominican Republic.
Well, we could have just emailed you for this, but we really wanted this to be a surprise since it looks like you can really use some good news. Yuri has a little of the skip-tracer in him and he managed to find your location based on something called an IP address. I think the term’s a little vulgar, but you know engineers.
The point of all this is to say that sometimes, folks are just looking for a little hope and opportunity - and that’s what we’re sending your way. I don’t judge your attempt to try to extricate Borealis, but I think the thing he would appreciate more than an inheritance is building that wealth from the ground up. So, I’m pleased to say, we’re going to be sending you 16 palettes of freeze dried peaches, a tent and a chair. This is a basically a business in a box and although I didn’t see our acquisition coming, moments like this do make it worth it and the market for preserved fruit is flying like a high hamster right now. I think he’s gonna make a ton of money. We hope you’ll drop us a line and let us know how that works out.
Just two of these entries tonight, but have we got a blast from the past. It’s a little alarming how quickly I got used to email, but the fact is we still get a good amount of snail mail and I’ve got another genuine article right here. The letter I’ve got in my hand is a bit of a special case for a couple of reasons. First it’s postmarked May 1975, twenty three years ago I guess. Second, it’s from the previous owner of the Errol Flip Studios where we started out, Davey Medora, god rest his soul. As it happens, Davey passed away in June of that year when he popped a wheelie on his Yamaha and wound up in Naval Microwave Relay overlooking Pensacola harbor.
Alright. It begins, Dear Stephen, I’ve given some thought to the agreement we made that allowed you to pay half normal rate for your use of the studio. The thing is I met a girl at the Topless Bottom on Saturday. Her name is Isadora Flame and I want to try to get her out of the exotic dancing game and that means I need more money coming in. The Indemnity Brothers are willing to pay full rate for the same time slots I’m booking you in now. Dougie does a little Coke, but he’s generally manageable.
I’m headed down to Florida for a week, but when I get back we’ll work out the details. Sorry to do this, but Isadora is Hungarian and I don’t think anyone is listening to the show anyway. Yours, Davey
Well, revisiting the memory of Davey makes me feel like we should give something back for getting things started all those years ago. Unfortunately, Davey is no longer here to give it to. And if Isadora Flame is the one I’m thinking of, she’s serving in the Italian parliament. I do believe Davey’s sister Nelly is still alive, so Yuri, I’m thinking we can send her three or four pallets of the freeze dried peaches. Very least we can do.
When we return folks, it will be time to reconvene our conversation with Pastor Thomas Paul Knackery from the Church of the Ascending Tension. Do stick around.
COMMERCIAL
We spend a good amount of time on this show, trying to find ways to reconnect with lost loves ones. No-one is every really ready to say goodbye to a friend or relative, but the process that surrounds how we steer folks to the afterlife often seem to pour piranhas into the punch. From the ceremony to the interment, Funerals can seem like one long death march.
Well, Procession Concessions is here to euthanize yesterday’s mortuary moments and usher in an experience ready for the 21st Century. I was invited by these folks recently to attend the funeral of Gert Agner, a young Danish man who died tragically while attaching decorative fringe to water treatment plant smokestacks outside Dusseldorf. Not only did I have no connection to the deceased, when I looked at Gert’s photo in the entryway, I felt instinctually I wouldn’t have gotten on with him in life.
Before I could make a quiet exit, I was greeted by a young woman dressed in a smart neon green pant suit, who immediately offered me a delicious pork sausage on a stick and a commemorative keychain with a miniature bear attached. Looking into the foyer, I couldn’t help but notice a healthy sprinkling of Procession Concession personnel, easy to spot in the same eye-catching neon green slacks and shirts.
I had only to take a few steps inside before I realized the drab, organ-heavy music normally permeating this kind of scene had been replaced by a driving hip-hop/deep house dance track. As I was filling out my lunch order choices on the back of the full color tri-fold In Memoriam pamphlet, I was also delighted to find a coupons for carpet cleaning, storage and match-making services.
For an extra ten dollars, I purchased a recliner seat to enjoy the ceremony. I’ve got to admit missing a great deal of it after finishing my braised duck. That’s with the exception of the opening magician Fez Jacob whose pyrotechnics kept even the snooziest of us awake. I have to admit believing the casket fire was a real accident, before Fez slammed the lid shut and took a well choreographed bow.
And I can guarantee you will never has as much fun as frisbee-golfing your way out to the burial plot. I had the second lowest score after Gert’s mother, who was a woman of singular focus. While as the winner she did receive the coffin piñata, all participants received a bling bag.
Add to all this that there’s a good chance, that like me, between the hot towels and coffee service, you’ll hardly remember what was said at the interment. Not to worry, every member of your funeral party will receive a professionally produced VHS of the event with a hard rock score by the band Spandex Fuselage, whom you might remember from their top 20 hit, ‘The Fire That Burns Us All.’ Although I was told Gert was terrified of the water, I thought the surfing footage really tied his presentation together nicely.
Don’t settle for a lackluster event, turn to the neon shirts at Procession Concessions and choose from an array of options from the Mini-Mourner to the Peace-Out to the top of the line Ultimate Goodbye package. Give them a call today at 1-800-279-7863 or 1-800-CRYPT-ME. Or visit them on the web at itsmypartyandilldieifiwantto.com for more information. Let Procession Concessions freshen your next succession.
INTERVIEW PART 1
We’ve had a nice stack of recommendations for our website name change come in off the higher plane hotline. Read through a couple of these. Crystal in Thunder Diamond, Ontario suggests FountainOfBlood.com. Pretty evocative, but it might hem us in to certain topics I think. Nadeem Indira, in Perth Amboy, NJ recommends question mark-just the question mark symbol, dot com. Tempting, I like the openness of it. Nice thing is that if we ever hung up the spurs on this program we could do pretty much do anything with that. Maybe we could finally make the custom Patio Furniture design dream finally come true. Let’s find one more here-Johannes Kenton, from Dust Trap, North Dakota likes SpectralEnema.com, that’s kinda catchy. I am in love what we’ve seen so far, so light up that switchboard, if we can get this settled tonight I can list my Dollywood chaps on eBay to underwrite the whole thing, assuming that sucker is still available.
Ten years ago, we first spoke with our next guest. I was immediately impressed by his general liturgical knowledge and an immediate camaraderie with a holder of an honorary title. Pastor Thomas Paul Knackery was born Freddy Angel Phillips to a family of amateur wrestlers in Shallow Pool, Montana. I think most folks would call him a journeyman. He hosted the Mixed Sex Go Montana Beauty Pageant in 1977 and 78. He was the first man to ever be incarcerated at Montana Women’s Prison when he attempted to spring Margaret Merit Lindsey, who was doing a stint for bribery after the two agreed to marry. While there, he would earn the nickname the Pastor, as primary conduit into the facility for illicit drugs. Margaret would be released on good behavior and now manages a non profit delivering BBQ grills and accessories to the wealthy. On his release in 1987, Pastor Knackery also turned his back on narcotics and penned the autobiography, Star Preacher where he also shared his plan for vast underground communities that would serve as the forerunners to interstellar colonization.
Joining us now on the Subterranean Line from somewhere under Libertyville, Kansas, Pastor Thomas Paul Knackery. Pastor how are you my friend?
PTPK
I’ve been better.
CSP
We’ve been eagerly awaiting this little chat since we parted ways last October. When we last spoke you were taking on a pretty daring mission, following the tunnel from under the south wing of the Devine Detention Tabernacle driving straight on under the city dump, which we understand had active use dating back to the Woodland Peoples.
PTPK
That was the plan.
CSP
Of course, you had-gosh, a huge list of different opportunities- including getting a look under the Evelina Cotton Soaking Mill, which were about 70% sure had a community of Incubi. How many tunnels have you dug since our last discussion?
PTPK
One.
CSP
So, I know everyone listening is as excited as I am, which tunnel did you choose?
PTPK
The same one.
CSP
Well, we knew it might take some time even following the old city sewer outlet. You were lucky enough to find out that the sewage hub was right under the old Tabernacle.
PTPK
Lucky.
CSP
I know it must smell like an ostrich with the runs down there, but I have to say the organization is flat out impressive. Gotta hand it to the City fathers. That’s the way you design drainage my friend. If I remember correctly, you set out on one of the twelve spokes out of the hub, that was City Alley 5, Right?
PTPK
Right.
CSP
So you kept following City Alley 5?
PTPK
Up to a point.
CSP
You had to abandon it?
PTPK
I didn’t have a choice.
CSP
Based on the diagram in the hub portico that you shared, City Alley 6 was the closest, but that would only go straight back to center. It’s the shortest run in the complex. City Alley 5 you may remember, made a huge loop under pretty much every major structure in Libertyville.
PTPK
It didn’t really work out that way.
CSP
I don’t understand why you would leave City Alley 5. City Alley 5 is the lifeline of that whole system outside the hub itself.
PTPK
Well, it didn’t work out. Can we talk about something else?
CSP
I don’t mean to grumble, but with City Alley 5 you could have run the table, there’s a fair chance you’d be done by now-
PTPK
THIS IS CITY ALLEY FIVE!! City Alley 6 collapsed six months after our last conversation. The shock forced a partial collapse of the basement toilets behind the methadone clinic around my position. I hear them working up there. I can’t tell if they’re digging. There’s so slow.
CSP
Well, at least that leaves you with a water supply. Pastor, we’re going to put you on hold while we take a short break here.
PTPK
I’m cold.
CSP
We’ll be back after this with more insights and discoveries from under our very feet with Pastor Knackery. Do stick around.
COMMERICIAL
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The 7 minute VHS tape is all you need to get started because the MotoPlasty does all the heavy lifting. And get ready to save time, because their patent-disqualified dual track system lets you literally do two things at once.
Here’s how easy it is. Grab that laminated MotoPlasty Quick Start Guide and select one of the forty different surgery and service combinations of your choice. Let’s try the Brake and Body Fat combo number T-12. Open up Molly MotoPlasty, the colorful and massive turtle shaped storage container that the fine folks at Rafferty Sterling dropped off in your garage. Use the color coded guide for option T-12 to grab the surgical and automotive materials needed for this convenient procedure.
Fasten the Lipo Pack around your midsection, remove the wheel of your choice and watch in amazement as the fat is sucked away by the very centrifical forces resurfacing your brake drum and rotor.
And why stop there? Put a little volume in your cheeks while your A/C gets its own recharge.
Maybe your posterior will enjoy a classy new interior passenger seat makeover with their new high speed stitched leather upholstery upgrade and you’ll have to pull that seatbelt a little further out to make room for the breast augmentation you knocked out at the same time. I think you’re going to be very pleased with this system. I say that out of personal experience. Best of all you’ll be happy to know it has a fatality rate often below 40%.
I’m looking forward to giving the oil change rhinoplasty a spin myself.
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INTERVIEW PART 2
CSP
Back with Pastor Thomas Paul Knackery. So Pastor, as you know our listeners have been pretty darned inspired by your story and your passion for exploration. How can the folks listening contribute to your effort?
PTPK
Get me out of the hole.
CSP
Imagine you have a pretty long list, what about money, equipment, materials?
PTPK
A car.
CSP
A car, any particular make and model? Might you be looking for a small truck perhaps to haul small loads of rock and earth?
PTPK
Looking to drive out of the hole.
CSP
What about condiments? Something to give meals a little more punch?
PTPK
This is an endless crapstorm.
CSP
Crab storm you say?
PTPK
Crap, as in you’re all full of it.
CSP
I don’t think the audio is the best there. The Endless Crabstorm Dotcom. This really resonates. Gosh, I think we’ve had 6 or 7 shows over the years about Crab Storms, most of these on the east coast, except for that Cheyenne Wyoming incident.
PTPK
Am I in Wyoming?
CSP
The Endless Crabstorm Dotcom. That is gonna be hard to beat. Yuri, can you logon and see if that’s still available?
PTPK
Margaret?
CSP
I’m gonna promise everyone that we’ll look at your entries, but boy do I feel a positive inferno inside my loins for this one. It’s really emblematic and pretty darn infinite in its application. Pastor, I’m going to patch you back to Yuri, who’s going to send a pallet or two of freeze dried peaches down as a parting gift for joining us on the program. Good luck with your continued exploration.
PTPK
Thank you Margaret.
CSP
The good Pastor remains an enigma. Are we any closer to understanding what likes beneath the haunted habitat of Libertyville? You get people together, like minds or not and it just builds a creative energy. Bit like the taverns in the days before the revolution. Tom Paine and those boys obviously had their own Endless Crabstorm to contend with. It could have been cod in their case, but the spark is the same.
I extend my thanks to Stephanie and Yuri as always and to the fine, fine folks at the Coal Exchange. I have to say that I have never felt a weightier presence in my gut than an extra large calcified bran pretzel, so my thanks for that unique experience. Our Saturday program will feature songwriter Desiree Glenn, who is the first Indie artist to perform with an extraterrestrial on stage. She’ll be sharing with us what it was like to perform with the Sassani bassist from the band Flerm. They did a nice cover of Bridge over Troubled Water, if you haven’t heard it. So that and a lot more, we hope you’ll join us. Until then do not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart your search for wisdom and knowledge, all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon. Good night.
