Inappropriate Use of a Podcast presents: Beyond the Near Horizon
Inappropriate Use of a Podcast presents: Beyond the Near Horizon
Jun 5, 1976 - Inventor Piotr Shovelusky & Ranchera Yasmine Birthday Numerology
THIS EPISODE: Colonel Stephen Prather interviews Student Inventor Piotr Shovelusky. Birthday readings from Ranchera Yasmine and listener letters.
INAPPROPRIATE USE OF A PODCAST is proud to present encore presentations of the iconic radio program "Beyond the Near Horizon" with host Colonel Stephen Prather. Since 1975, this innovative program has explored the unexplained, the occult and other controversial topics. Featuring interviews with unconventional experts from across the intellectual spectrum, every program lives up to the promise of its creator Colonel Prather to "not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart the search for wisdom and knowledge." As he reminds, "all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon."
Podcast website: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2027077
Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/inappropriate-use-of-a-podcast-presents-beyond/id1637243805
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BNH 1976 Jun 5 Beyond the Near Horizon
With Colonel Stephen Prather
PRE INTRO
Bigfoot. Alien abductions. The occult. The dead that still walk the earth. The many beasts that prowl the wildernesses and swim the deeps of the strange planet we call home. Join us for the next little while as we take another journey into the darkness, into the void from just beyond that line of trees, the nearby rooftops, beyond the crest of the vanishing point and infinitely onward.
ANNOUNCER
From the Prince Edward Guilt studios in Penetration, Michigan, it’s Beyond the Near Horizon featuring Colonel Stephen Prather. Now here’s your host, Colonel Stephen Prather.
INTRO
CSP
Thank you Stephanie. It is Saturday, June 5th. Welcome to the program. A bit of the personal and administrative. This is our last Saturday with our researcher and board operator, Bruce. Bruce-you were there at the old Errol Flip Studios at the beginning of all this last year. We will miss your fish-related humor and your occasional serenades, I have to say I don’t know many with your love for Irish Murder Songs. I do want to promise we’ll keep sending those checks to pay your mother back for the loss of her El Camino and her goat enclosure. Twenty-two years sounds like a long time, but she’ll soon be made whole. Good luck at the floating Ashram and I hope the currents off Long Island cooperate.
We do have a small bit of syrup in the stirrup. Vlady, who I mentioned a couple of Friday’s back would be filling Bruce’s spot will not be able to do so as he has apparently been elected mayor of Planker, Minnesota. The election actually took place last November, and he didn’t run officially. As it happens, his sister-in-law thought a write-in campaign would make a good prank. He’s dejected over the whole thing as he’s been tabulated as an independent in the city records, but identifies as a member of the Blood Before Tyranny Hatchet Party, which he also founded, apparently.
However, our intern Ian did a little voodoo and happily we’ve made arrangements to bring in Vlady’s cousin, Yuri. Yuri actually ran an all-Carpenters pirate radio station for six months from a walleye trawler in Lake Huron. Sadly, that ship, the Marauder was sunk by shore batteries mounted in front of a Billy’s Burger in Port Austin when noise complaints were ignored. Didn’t realize that was even legal but the lake front folk have a different way of life. We’re happy he was able to make it ashore and pleased to have him join us beginning this Monday.
Tonight’s show, I’m pleased to say we’ll have back for a second time student prodigy and inventor Piotr Shovelusky. He comes to us again with an armload of gadgets of his own making. So, we’re going to take a spin with some of those right here in the studio and we have been assured this time around none of them will fire projectiles, flaming or otherwise. Speaking of projectiles, just a reminder, you can still send donations to the Lower Tampa Animal Education fund in the name of the late Kit Murkerson. Send a check or money order with the words “Kit was done wrong” on the check or envelop with your contribution to Lower Tampa Army of the Revolution, Velikopoljska Place. 22a, 10010, Zagreb, Yugoslavia.
Heck of way to exit life’s auditorium for Kit. Don’t think it would be uncouth to re-inter him at a military cemetery, considering the circumstances. If they can find all the bits, that is.
So I’m reading the Upper Peninsula Pulse entertainment section this morning and Bud Haydn, their beef industry correspondent just came back from Los Angeles where he screened a new Gregory Peck movie called the Omen and was full of nothing but praise for it. Without spoiling it for anyone, it involves a child antichrist shacking up with a politician and his wife, both of whom he kills through his sway over satanists in his employ so he can infiltrate the political elite, which he does. Sounds like fun. But it’s a reminder that the studios need to get off their tush and make a movie out of our friend Enoch Price’s book, The See Through Cat. Very similar plot, superior if you ask me. It has three different helicopter chase scenes in it and all the major characters are partial amputees. Where are you going to find that? Not to mention the unforgettable image of a cat with see-through skin, which would easily be doable with claymation. No brainer.
Let’s stop down now and chat with someone many of you are getting to know well. She regularly helps us understand what the invisible forces in our universe are conveying through her analysis of birthdays, dietary habits and mid to large size moles. She’s an author, prune living activist and clairvoyant. Recently, she has moved into the world of Fiction for the first time with her new novel “Within the Belly,” which is an alternate take on the Jonah and the Whale story, where Jonah decides to stay put and founds first a homestead and then a small, quirky community where he becomes butcher. From there it spirals into cocaine use, corruption and sexual promiscuity. A good read, but I will advise folks that she tends to get salty, so read that sucker silently if you’re on the bus. She connects to us via the Higher Plane Hotline from Hydra, New Jersey. That woman’s name is Ranchera Yasmine. Ranchera can you hear us okay?
RY
I hear you fine Colonel, how are you?
CSP
Doing great. As always, feel free to call me Stephen if you wish.
RY
I don’t think so.
CSP
You’re out of the boroughs today over in the meadowlands. I hear you have some big news this week.
RY
We’re at the Motel New Madrid next to the Rotundadrone where we were attended Jenny’s graduation from Paul F Taser high. We’re about to drive down to see her new apartment today in Scrappington. Pleased to say she’s already been accepted to The Academy of St Angler in the Hinterwoods-
CSP
Down in Garter Gossip, Delaware.
RY
Journalism and Medieval Weaponry double major, we’re over the moon. Larry and I prefer that she become a petroleum executive as her palms are very long and definitely fire hand by any measure. Petroleum burns of course, so I thought it was perfect, but her Mount of Jupiter is the most prominent I’ve seen since I read Dirk Longhouse, God rest his soul. Speaking of singers, I’m so sad we’re not talking tomorrow, Sunday is Jimmy Tender’s birthday.
CSP
I was listening to a little Jimmy last night, the Live at Pretension Gardens album.
RY
Masterpiece, oh was that man taken too soon.
CSP
Ride the Meerkat is more than uptempo jazz, it’s a way of life if you ask me. Blueprint on vinyl. I was looking through the birthdays today and we’re pretty darn lean, but I think you have a little to work with.
RY
Well, to all the people out there listening, if you were born today, I may not have to remind you that you are Gemini, Life Path number 7. Some of my favorite authors are on this path, Linda Prince Pine-
CSP
Linda Prince Pine. The Pale Marmite mysteries.
RY
Like other Geminis. Seekers of knowledge, prone to introspection and self-awareness. I like these for your match, Colonel, especially since I’m sensing some instability in that department.
CSP
That could be the Swanson’s I threw down before we aired-always gets the intestinal intrigue activated.
RY
Don’t be silly, put your hand on the microphone sweetie.
CSP
Alright.
RY
Close yours eyes for me. Okay. I’m picking up a scent. Very strong, but sugary.
CSP
Again I gotta finger the Swansons. I only managed to get through half of the Polynesian Sweet and Sour.
RY
And I see the island of Malta. Does that mean anything to you?
CSP
I have a rash on my left arm that looks a little like northern Kentucky.
RY
That has to be it. I do see that you are facing challenges in the love realm.
CSP
I appreciate where you’re coming from, and I share a bunch, but there are certain things that just aren’t worth knowing. To name one, our neighbor back when I was a kid, Mrs Hozna could remove the left size of her pelvis like a pair of dentures. Really didn’t feel comfortable playing tackle football with her after finding that out.
RY
Colonel, that’s the psychic airplane, are you gonna open your hanger?
CSP
I’m gonna say closed for maintenance
RY
Do you want to the psychic airplane to crash? Do you want all those people to die? Imagine the fear they’re feeling right now.
CSP
No, I just need some time to
RY
Open the hanger, sweetie. You don’t want the blood on your hands for all those poor people
CSP
Alright, Spruce and I have filed for divorce.
RY
Oh you poor thing. Thank you for offering that out of the blue. She was such a sweet girl, but clearly, with demonic undercurrents.
CSP
Well, if you’re going out with a Virgo, don’t tell them when they have ribeye in their teeth. On the low end, they may not thank you for it. Or with my case, they might end up exchanging gunfire with the Michigan Highway Patrol in the parking lot of a Spot Johnny’s. On the bright side, it was the first time I urinated in a cup and I thought it went well.
RY
I’m proud of you sweetheart, that’s very stressful. Extra points for focus and accuracy in an environment with so many percussive interruptions. You must feel a lot better-
CSP
Well, this has brought to mind the foundation of my relationship with Spruce. This ties into a very specific habit of my mother. She would split a garden hose down it’s length with a hunting knife-
RY
Colonel, if you don’t me jumping right in, do you recognize the name John Carlos?
CSP
It’s not a name I’ve used.
RY
Someone else is using it sweetie. You can let go of the microphone.
CSP
I know a guy in Sioux Falls who makes two person wetsuits named Carlos Jones.
RY
John Carlos is a world class sprinter who won the bronze back in the Mexico City olympics. He is very controversial, you may remember he raised his fist along with another sprinter.
CSP
Doesn’t really stick. Normally I follow this kind of stuff. I think it’s fascinating. I should get you a transcript of our show from last May with Sara Tafswada. She regrew her ex-husbands head in a kiddie pool.
RY
Well, Mr. Carlos turns thirty one today. I see a lot more industry ahead for him, possibly the assembling of dirigibles, which I sense are going to be making a comeback.
CSP
I see, have we started out celebrity birthdays then?
RY
I felt it was time to move on.
CSP
I wholeheartedly agree with the blimp thing.
RY
Dirigibles though.
CSP
Fair correction. Our announcer Stephanies ex-boyfriend was a blimp pilot. Totally spineless. What was that? Still the current birthday. What happened to the one who died?
RY
Hello?
CSP
My neighbor Glenn Katerwall got into those just a year out of high school. Heck of a site to see a semi-rigid coming down our street, and he loved customizing those things. The one that flew at his funeral had red/yellow flames on the side, super sharp.
RY
John Carlos is a Dragon on the Chinese zodiac just like Joan of Arc and a yang fire element. Mr Carlos if you’re listening, skip the danish, die your own clothes, take the soup.
CSP
Solid advice right there. I don’t have it in Bruce’s notes, but I think Cary Grant may have been born today.
RY
Close, Pancho Villa was born today all the way back in 1978.
CSP
I guess you mean 1878?
RY
Yes, that’s what I said, dear. 1978. There are several things he needs to watch out for, but unfortunately for him he’s already dead, which will make this advice much more difficult to implement.
CSP
Who do you have there next?
RY
That’s it. No one else important was born today.
CSP
I do have a list of dynamite people who we’ve had on the show I thought we might have a run at
RY
Can you hold on a second?
CSP
Sure. (Beat) Folks, we’re on the line with clairvoyant Ranchera Yasmine.
BY
Hello?
CSP
This is Colonel Stewart Prather, may I ask who I’m speaking with?
BY
This is Burt Yasmine. I’ve already told you people I’m done. I can’t go back to Thailand.
CSP
I have the name Larry.
BY
Okay then, Larry, the answer is still no. You got some gall calling at this time of the night.
CSP
Actually, your wife handed you over to me.
BY
My wife? Are you the bastard responsible for this? She’s doubled over in pain right now.
CSP
I’m sorry to hear that. We were actually in the middle of an interview.
BY
Boy you have really lost it. She can’t even move her left arm anymore. When does she finally get what she deserves after all she’s done for you people? Did you think you could shoot her up like that twice a day with no consequences?
CSP
Well, we have a birthday or two to get through if she’s clear-headed enough.
BY
You people are really something. Bunch of sadists. Hold on a minute. Heartless piece of crap.
CSP
Thanks very much. (Beat) Apologize for the delay here folks.
RY
Thank you Colonel, sorry about that.
CSP
Yes, your husband was very concerned. We can reschedule this call if you think you might not be quite as entertaining to the listeners.
RY
I don’t think so. Rodrigo is in New Brunswick testing aerosols for Hasbro.
CSP
I see. Rodrigo Larry Burt?
RY
No, he flew Continental.
CSP
Good to know. Now Ranchera, you have to be the quickest person I’ve seen with numerology. I almost think you should have considered going into mathematics.
RY
Paul jokes with me all the time about that. He said I can teach at Harvard when women run the numbers at NASA.
CSP
Your brother?
RY
Sister. She’s got the gift as well, but only when she’s at the airport.
CSP
Well, getting down to it and speaking of one of your fellow clairvoyants. We had Leith Toyin on around New Years. He runs the “I Sense You Want Pizza” Pizza parlor out in Tennis Victory, Nevada. Young guy for what’ he’s accomplished, turns 26 today. What do you see for Leith?
RY
11 destiny number, a 9 soul urge, it’s no surprise he went into munitions. He experiences guilt, even some nightmares over the deaths of strangers, but he feels he’s an instrument of god.
CSP
He’s more on the pizza end of pizza versus armaments, as I recall.
RY
He is also about to welcome his third grandchild.
CSP
Well, happy 26th birthday Leith and congratulations on the grandchildren. Dr. Tracey Avital, turns 43 today. She’s a wrist surgeon. But, notably, she invented the In Good Hands Chair Cushion, which I’ve advertised on the show before. It really does feel like someone is gripping you down there every time you sit on it. Super unique experience.
RY
Another 11 destiny number. A 6 soul urge number. You said she made eyewear for dogs?
CSP
Chair cushions.
RY
I can’t get Cleo to stay still unless he’s having a tinkle. My advice for Dr. Obetrol
CSP
Avital
RY
My advice for Dr. Rabbitfall’s family is to keep moving and pay in cash.
CSP
Alright, good insight there. Dr Avital if you’re listening, happy 43rd. Next is very interesting, we’ve only had him on one time, but he left an impression like an engine block on a bar stool. He’s a philosopher, martial artist from Hidden Kingdom, Mississippi. Tashi Rudo. Normally if you can be connected with fourteen homicides, you’d find yourself in jail, but he managed a trial exemption for severe malocclusion owing to a pretty nasty beef jerky habit. What do you see with Mr. Rudo?
RY
Interesting. 4 and 9 duality. He has a 9 plane of expression, 4 physical. Destiny number 7, no wonder he’s a pain in the rump. He’s very meticulous, tends to dominate conversation. Wife is probably a Scorpio and I sense she is very quiet.
CSP
Yes, unfortunately she passed away last year.
RY
That would explain it.
CSP
Well, we always enjoy having you join us Ranchera. Good luck with the apartment hunting.
RY
Actually, while we were talking Jenny’s decided to go with new construction. You know how they are at that age.
CSP
Well, hopefully she can find a site near campus.
RY
They’re going to start her snaking toilets at a new Penny Saved they’re building in Lake Madison.
CSP
Then I wish her good luck on the construction thing.
RY
Hold on a minute, she’s changed her mind again. Can I get back to you?
CSP
You’re always welcome on the show. Ranchera Yasmine folks. The new book is “Within the Belly.” You will absolutely not look at Jonah and the Whale the same way again. Where can folks pick up a copy Ranchera?
RY
Let’s see, Miami. You can find it anywhere they sell books west of Little Havana no further north that NW 14th Street and don’t south of Coral Way. You don’t wanna go any further west than SW 49th.
CSP
You heard it here folks, if you’re in that sector of the Magic City. Mambo on down. Coming up next, we crack open the breach and peruse your letters. Stay tuned.
COMMERCIAL
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When is the last time your family went on a vacation? How many months, years of pulling into your driveway in that broken down station wagon again, again and again.
Something seems wrong with the world and it’s not just you.
You pass the ghostly faces of your neighbors as they wander the grey sidewalks that crudely bind together the desolate suburban landscape.
The dull drone of lawn mowers swirls like a noxious cloud seeded with the remains of once vibrant dreams.
The laughter of children falls sharp, like a knifes blade. Every cut upon cut brings closer a clarifying image and it seems to be an impotent, bowel evacuating , humiliating end.
As evening descends the television fills your drab rooms with mushy, meaningless noise. You, your exhausted wife, your talentless teenage son and daughter swallow mouthfuls of thawed mystery meal, though only enough to stave off physical collapse.
When the day ends and the lights are switched off, even the darkness is too weary to fear.
How about a change? The lush forests, babbling brooks and serene lakes of Labradale, MI probably won’t solve your problems, but wouldn’t you rather experience your mental breakdown someplace tranquil, where your remains would be unlikely to be found for years?
Write to the Southeast Labradale Michigan bureau of tourism at PO Box 4646, Lansing MI 48664. Do it while you’re still able to form sentences.
LETTERS
Letter 1
You know it has not been more than a month since we had Dr. Pitch Spineblow on the show. He was primarily with us to discuss trout limp, which is awful disease of course, but I was encouraged, and maybe you were too to hear that the number of cases of Smallpox around the world continues to decline. That’s obviously goods news if that is the case.
Well, jump to today and the first letter we’ll be reading. I’m walking into the studio this afternoon, and I find that someone has slipped a blank envelope under my door.
When I open it - at the top of the typewritten page inside, in capital letters are the words YOUR ANNIHILATION IS AT HAND. Not the friendliest introduction. And the further I read the more I realized this was a manifesto essentially, claiming to have been penned by -using their term- representatives of the Intergalactic Pox Kingdom or IPK. I’ll just read a snippet here to give you a sense of this:
It starts “you humans are truly a self-deluding species. Your modest and mostly accidental gains against our diminutive, defenseless Pox brethren as they gathered for a simple holiday excursion in Nairobi seals the consensus among our civilization that you are a worthless and putrid race. We warn you now to prepare for your subjugation to the Intergalactic Pox Kingdom or as you may call it for short the IPK.”
I’ll skip ahead. “In addition to our vast armies which even now are entering their attack postures, we have IPK footholds throughout your species that walk among you already. Be warned, for every Gene Hackman or Frankie Vallie you manage to unmask, there are countless others that are also well within our control.”
Just to interject - I didn’t catch a wiff of any take down of that sort. Bruce researched our transcripts and no surprise found nothing on Hackman. He also verified we’ve only ever talked about Franke Vallie in the context of his work for the Venusians.
I think the closing is the most interesting. It goes on “for the more intelligent among your species, if you wish to signal your allegiance to the IPK, we offer a few, generally affordable means of doing this. T-shirts in standard sizes (small, medium and large) or buttons featuring the following slogans “IPK: Let’s Not Pretend you had something else to do” and “I’m okay with IPK.” They go on to provide an ordering address - which by the way is oddly enough in Terra Haute IN - and pricing information.
If this is the real article and I don’t have anything to suggest it isn’t-and while they may be planning on destroying the human race, I think you have to admire that kind of publicity and merchandising push for these folks. We definitely could have used that around here last year.
If any of the IPK posse happen to be listening, I’d love for you to pop over. We’ve got -I think - a really nice parking lot behind us here at the Prince Edward Guilt Studios that could accommodate a variety of different vessels. I’m sure I can arrange to get a voucher for some cutlets at the Meat Castle if that sweetens the pot. I’m no turncoat, and not to go full Phillip K Dick on you, but if the odds turn ugly on us, I could I could serve as Governor General of the North Americas. I’d be a firm but benevolent leader I think. So, drop us a line if you’re interested.
Letter 2
Next letter here comes all the way from Dead Timber, Alaska. This is from Nichole Arnd. Dear Colonel Prather, I recently invested in one of the Pottery Shanties that you’ve been advertising on the show. I honestly purchased it for the children originally to make little necklaces and the sort, but this spring I thought I would finally give it a try and elected to make a pot for my Chinese Evergreen which we had sitting in a coffee can. When I spun some fire clay into a pot, I scored what was supposed to be a Hope Moon Glyph on the side. After baking, I noticed the side with the inscription collapsed a little as I forgot to put sand in beforehand. It turned out more like a blood moon glyph, but I didn’t give this a thought and proceeded to repot our little plant.
A week goes by and my husband Terry is in the kitchen, just home from his shift at the fork plant. He grabs some barbeque take-out from earlier in the week to have a bite and he begins to notice that every time he takes a bite, he hears a moaning sound. He first thought our neighbor Mr. Prenniz might be at his old tricks again, but then he remembered Mr Prenniz died last February digging pits for the Easter Seals.
Terry tends to take these sorts of things very seriously and immediately covered the house and its contents in spray foam. Afterwards, the moaning was more difficult to hear, but still present. It didn’t matter where we ate, including by the pool in back, although it lies now under several inches of hardened foam. After two months of this we decided to spend a night at the Spyglass Motel down in Picker Lake, but to our great disappointment, the moaning continued. A glance out the window at the parking spaces revealed our potted plant, sitting in the middle of the drive.
Terry was furious at this point and despite my urging went out to confront the pot with the 38 special he uses when he officiates Jai Alai games. Unfortunately the pot produced a small rifle and severely wounded Terry along with two members of an amateur basketball team that happened to be passing by.
Terry was wrongfully accused of the murder of the two amateur basketball players and we’ve been on the run since that incident. We’ve kept up a criss-crossing pattern in the hopes of avoiding law enforcement and to confuse the pot, which has now been joined by a menacing cedar window box who carries a length of chain. We figured you might have some advice to offer us since you advertise the horrific device that produced this demon. Love your show, keep up the great work. All our love, Nichole and Terry (deceased).
Thanks for the letter Nichole and I trust that Terry is refereeing Jai Alai in the great unknown now, 38 at his hip. The mother of our water meter guy Lyle actually had a very similar problem with a roasting pan last summer.
That turned out horribly, but I was watching an episode of Kojak last night and I think we can take some of the lessons to heart here. It’s absolutely true you have to be tough with these kinds of entities-they can smell fear like a randy ferret. But you also have to see beyond that veneer a little and use some psychology to understand your opponent. This may be judgmental of me, but I believe your Chinese Evergreen is a male, 18 to 29 years old. He enjoys dinners with friends or family and easily establishes new relationships. This is the kind of kid that will have a Neil Sedaka poster on his wall and no appetite for curfew. He also tends to be testy, obviously. He turns to his firearm when he feels-as he did as a child-that he is not being listened to.
I’ll go out on a limb and say that some female companionship would go a long way here. I’d hustle on down to the nearest Bush World or Green Kingdom and pick out a Parlor Palm or maybe a Fiddle Leaf Fig. Set them within ten or fifteen feet and let them feel each other out. You might have to run through a few ingenues before they get down to business. As it goes with many things in this world, the love of a mature woman can do wonders. Thanks for your letter.
Letter 3
Last one here is from Grant Chalice at the University of Southeast Houston. Dear Colonel Prather, I am a bachelors student in the Amorphous Foreign Bodies program at the University of Southeast Houston. My two roommates and I were listening to your show in February with the conjurer Leyton Stefan and afterwards grabbed his resurrection spell booklet when we saw it on sale at Turby’s Gas & Chicken. Me and the boys went out to the St Fragmentation Cemetery that night drunk as all get out and read the spell. Nothing seem to happen and we all stumbled back to crash at the dorm. About an hour had passed when there was a loud banging at the door. We opened it to find a guy a little older than us in a dusty suit who smelled like cattle and went by the name Marcus.
We were hardly able to keep awake, but dead sober, this joker would have been equally confusing. Turns out Marcus was Marcus Maynard who died back in 1950 when he got stabbed by a pacifist at a candy festival and whom we had apparently resurrected. He was also a pin-setter at Shinedale Lanes, which I didn’t even know was a thing. He’s very excited about resuming his career and has an elaborate plan to manage other pin setters in what he calls squadrons that he won’t shut up about. We think he could really go off if we tell him that bowling alleys automate all that stuff now. We reached out to Mr. Stefan but it turns out he’s doing three years for bovine fraud at Mountain View Correction up in North Carolina.
Hoping you can help us with an incantation to send Marcus back to the afterlife, or least permanently out of state.
Thanks for your letter, Grant.
Well, I tell you, it is north of impossible to get rid of some houseguests. Speaking again of my father, I didn’t find out until years after his passing that my sainted Mother Agnes Lillian Abernathy was herself a houseguest in my father’s home. She was only supposed to be there for a week, but then she stubbed her toe which grew gangrenous and one thing led to another.
Bottom line, sometimes you just have to be practical about it. I’m going to have Bruce mail you back with information on a fumigation place right on the other side of the border from Brownsville in Matamoros. Back when we started the show last year, I invested in a toddler academy down there, “Estofado de Pescado” with the guy that did the brakes on my Plymouth Valiant. We were set to renovate it into a shopping center, when we found out most of the kids were still squatting in there.
Obviously you have to be cautious in a situation like that. After our attempt to repel into the auditorium entrance failed, we decided that knocking them out with an incapacitating gas made the most sense. We ended up using methyl propyl something. You want to talk about a hard day. One or two of those tots were easy to pop on the shoulder and load in the flatbed, no big deal. But you start getting into twenty or thirty of those suckers under the summer sun down there, boy. I’m only thankful they didn’t wake up before we got out of the parking lot of the Western Sizzlin where we dropped em off. We definitely earned our money that day.
I think you’re going to love Luis. He lives in Matomoros, but is originally from Nashville where he managed a Question Mark and the Mysterions tribute band for a few years before going into the fumigation game. Best of luck to you.
Alright folks, we thank you sincerely for your letters. Remember if we don’t respond on the air, we do respond in writing or with a coupon of apology, good for 20 cents off a rib roast burger at our special sponsor Cow Country Diners. Cow Country Diners remind you their dining rooms have the look, feel and smell of real Cattle Country. Up next, we are going to check out some real gadgetry with student inventor Piotr Shovelusky. Stick around.
COMMERCIAL
Are you a woman? If you are, I hope you’ll keep listening. Many of us in journalism are hip to the change occurring around the world, a little thing called the feminist wave. Now admittedly, we’ve been blindsided to find a lack of equality among the very mothers, wives, girlfriends and daughters we’re ordained by nature to protect. It’s an equal drag for a man knowing all the time we spent watching shows like Petticoat Junction and Bewitched didn’t give us the real lowdown on what was really going down. Thanks to folks like Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem, the gong has finally struck. We’ve started understanding the real differences between the truth and the jive. For myself, I happen to own a “Women are Okay with Me” t-shirt, which I wear frequently at night. But, is that enough? Well, ask your average man on the street and they might say yes-but I think we can do more.
That’s where I’m very excited to let you all know about ‘The Future of Women Conference’ being held at Pygmalion College in Mute Thunder, Michigan on August 3rd and 4th of this year. Your ticket will purchase one of the most thorough journeys into womanhood imaginable, with a series of lectures and discussion panels designed to light the way to your very own future horizons.
They begin the conference focused on the female body. Woodworking expert Derrick Franklin will present slides on his amazing reproductive diaramas, famous for bringing the often fuzzydetails of the reproductive system alive, complete with miniaturized furniture and amazingly detailed puppets representing each of the mysterious and unknowable processes at work inside our girls.
Then it’s on to the female mind. Fitness Instructor and certified public accountant Hanz Oldleheim will read excerpts from his acclaimed work “This is how they Think,” and take questions afterwards from any women looking for more insight on how their complex brains operate.
Finally, competitive fisherman Bill Chucker will convene a panel of some of the most overqualified ine-casters from across the country to discuss the what the future holds for women in America. Former Georgia Attorney General Mac Darby, Industrialist Henry Tribblecore and Professional Quarterback Hipshot Johnson will be there to weigh in on these important issues.
Tickets are going fast. If you’re in the Michigan area, call the switchboard at Pygmalion College today at 312-4477 or 312-GIRLS. As the organizer of the conference Slim Nichols says, if we get the men of the world together, we can lick women’s issues.
INTERVIEW PART 1
CSP
I wanna welcome everyone back. Joining us here at the Prince Edward Guilt studios, for a second and we hope-not the last time, is a mechanical engineering student now in his senior year
PS
Junior-Junior
CSP
Junior year. He was awarded a Pierre Tremble Award for Scientific Audacity for his work in simulating metallurgical dynamics in excrement-
PS
Ostritch excrement.
CSP
Ostrich excrement. He’s currently on the Charles F Ringer scholarship at the Bruce Eerie College of Aeronautics and Languid Humanities. Piotr Shovelusky, thanks for joining us again on the program.
PS
Yes. Yes. Very good to be here. There are many many worse places.
CSP
That’s probably true.
PS
In a ten minute drive, I could show you three of them.
CSP
I think we’re good for this go-round. What have you been up to lately Piotr?
PS
Can you time bracket for that me?
CSP
Sure, how about since our last discussion?
PS
There are around 11, 316 unique events that I can speak about without violating FCC regulations. WIth questions and feedback considered, I believe we could get through nine before the estimated end of your program.
CSP
I gotcha. How about the last two?
PS
At 301p local time this afternoon, I was leaving the La Casa de la Ropa Sucia with a 6.8 ounce order of Frijoles Espiritus and noticed that an elderly woman, approximately 65 to 68 years old, had her eyes trained on my facial area. I began to maintain visual focus on her facial area with an intensity approximate to her own. After pausing 1.5 seconds, which I have calculated as the average maximum before verbal engagement, I determined that for reasons of infirmity or ulterior arrangements she had not responded. I approached to within two feet of the woman maintaining eye contact before she struct me hard to left temple with a large bag of uncooked pinto beans.
CSP
There’s a Lucky Lennys near there I think. I scored a big bag of the George Jones russets for .89 cents down at the Lucky Lennys in Port Tribulation, did you happen to see what the pintos were priced at?
PS
I was rendered unconscious by the blow and experienced minor hallucinations and memory disruptions afterwards.
CSP
That’s a shame. Are you continuing to feel any effects?
PS
I would have to say green. I prepare oatmeal in a variety of different ways for the colonists.
CSP
That’s a load off. What are we going to be looking at here first, Piotr.
PS
I owe you a second anecdote from today I believe.
CSP
So you do, go right ahead.
PS
When I set up the demonstration table at 525p today, I briefly entered your break room to drink a glass of water. I made note of a 7.5 inch particulate matter accretion in at least two areas of the ducting with high rate of flow. Based on the model I designed, I believe there is a 49.2% chance that one or more regular visitors to the room will develop lung disease in the next four months.
CSP
Well, as long as it’s under 50.
PS
This is technically a third anecdote, but there is also a nest of Norway rats in the break room, based on analysis of the droppings, the colony contains between 73 and 81 rats.
CSP
Man, I’ve gotta get Victor Tambo back on the line, we were convinced that scratching was his Uncle Melvin. Daggonet. What are we going to be looking at here first, Piotr?
PS
This first device is a Pain Obscuring Interjection apparatus or POI for short. This is POI mark 3.
CSP
For folks at home, this thing is super stocky, this is iron?
PS
Wrought iron, it weighs approximately 118 pounds.
CSP
It seems to open up like a waffle maker and it’s about as big as your average toaster.
PS
There are no reliable tables of averages available for toasters made in the United States.
CSP
How does this thing work Piotr?
PS
The name is more or less descriptive. The Pain Obscuring Interjection apparatus distracts from preexisting pain. Are you experiencing any pain currently?
CSP
No, not really.
PS
I will need to introduce that. May I strike your head?
CSP
Sure
[Blow arrives almost instantly]
That landed.
PS
Now, I’m going to open the POI. Can you please place your left hand in the apparatus?
CSP
Alright
[Immediately closes on CSP hand]
Daw-Mother Gerald Ford
PS
Do you feel any pain?
CSP
Yes, my hand feels like I tried to make chop steak surprise-
PS
Do you feel any pain in your head?
CSP
Uh-no, actually. Wow, that is really something. Pretty darn effective, if you look past the side effects. This comes off very large and heavy looking, do you expect to streamline it before you put it on the market?
PS
Two days ago I signed an exclusive sale agreement with the Philadelphia Pipefitters Union number three with the unit as-is. Apparently they can put it to immediate use.
CSP
That is amazing stuff. I’m just going to rest my left hand on the table here while we take a short break.
PS
How long would that be?
CSP
Usually about 3 or 4 minutes.
PS
Do you mind if we synchronize our watches?
CSP
You may just have to wing it, I can’t really move that left side right now.
PS
May I close my eyes then?
CSP
Absolutely, Bruce can also tie our desk rope around your ankle.
PS
Okay.
CSP
Folks, we’ll be back with more gadgetry with Piotr Shovelusky right after this.
COMMERCIAL
From the time we’re kids and it seems sometimes, increasingly as adults, there are certain conversation killers that truly try our patience. I was recently at an impromptu Beltane pagan pot luck explaining for the third time to my great uncle Terrance that not only is former president Nixon an asset of the Sudanese Livestock industry, but that he is in fact a reincarnation of the Nubian god of war Apedemak. In addition to the indignity of being rebuffed by Terrance, I was rudely interrupted by my Great Aunt Telemetry who dismissively suggested that our disagreement would be solved when mankind found a cure for cancer.
Of course, listeners to this program understand that the Israelis already developed that cure, but had to keep it under wraps understanding that one of the unintended effects are telekinetic abilities. Of course, to date, only Uri Gellar has taken this supper vaccine as it’s called and we all know what happened there.
That still leaves an array of different unsolvable problems in our world that only seem to exist to make us feel guilty about what we’ve managed to accomplish.
Well, I’m pleased as a form fitting jumpsuit to tell you all we are not alone in this pet peeve. The folks at Make More Smart have come up with what I think is a pretty far out way of helping us all feel a little bit better about what we’ve actually done for the world. It’s the Solve World Hunger board game and let me tell you, it’s perfect for every kind of gathering, young and old.
The multicolored, eye-catching board features the flags and mascots of fifty different countries around the world. Select your playing piece from either Pop Sensation, Soccer Champion, Award-Winning Actor, Uranium Tycoon or Charismatic Politician. Roll the included dice and you’ll land in one of the many hungry hotspots.
Maybe you’ve stopped on Ethiopia. Hesitation is your enemy, so you want to use that seed money to purchase refugee tents. As you collect donations from your fellow players when they have the misfortune to land on your country, move on to distribution centers and eventually tourist attractions to give your many dependents hope.
The first player to reach ten million mouths fed wins and here comes the best part, every other player has to say it together, “you solved world hunger.”
Pick up your copy today at toy or game retailers near you for $7.99. Sleep easy in the knowledge that for every thousand games sold, Make More Smart sends a brand new game, free of charge to one of the famished countries on the big wheel at the Make More Smart headquarters in Honolulu.
Feel the satisfaction of knowing you could solve any problem if you put your mind to it. Grab your copy of the Solve World Hunger board game today.
INTERVIEW PART 2
CSP
Big extra thank you to Piotr who rigged up my left hand with a -what is this?
PS
Biomechanical support sleeve.
CSP
There you go. So the hand still looks like hammered tenderloin, but I can crush car bumpers with this little guy. Can I wear this to bed?
PS
Bed. Okay I misjudged the decay rate of the thorium. It’s probably best not to leave it on you or to breathe in around it if you want to avoid pancreatic cancer. Do you want to avoid pancreatic cancer?
CSP
Sure why not. We’ll go and lay that sucker down here. Guess that leaves this number on the end, and I have to say I love the look of this thing. If you’re listening, this looks like your standard phone booth. What do you call this thing Piotr?
PS
A phone booth. We both need to step inside here.
CSP
Alright. It’s a little tight.
PS
I can generate enough energy for a seven by four cubic foot containment
CSP
Sorry about that. Boy it is cramped in here, I’m going to have to put my hand on your face.
PS
I don’t find any issue with that. I’m not sexually attracted to you and I plan on waiting for another 11.3 days before I approach potential partners to seek out an intimate encounter. The unit is in the receiving position as you can tell by the lever on the side of handset.
CSP
Okay, a standard ma-bell handset for those folks listening. And what do we call this Piotr?
PS
I actually named it on my own. It’s a field escaping unbound communication relay. It sends and receives telephonic communications from and to the future. I’ll activate the unit and it will take a few minutes to reach optimal operating temperature. Received calls will originate from the future-
CSP
That’s something-how far into the future?
PS
I don’t have any means of detecting that. The only condition is that someone is attempting to communicate over an energized telephonic array of some kind. We’ve got an audio jack on the side plugged into your sound board to allow your listeners to—
CSP
Wow, okay, here we go folks. A phone call from the future. Shall I just -
PS
It usually rings almost immediately-
[rings]
CSP
Alright, let’s make some gravy. We don’t make history often. Prepare for a voice from the future folks. This is Colonel Stephen Prather, what year is it where you are?
UNKNOWN CALLER 1
J'appelle encore pour me plaindre des anglophones!
CSP
What in hades does that mean?
UNKNOWN CALLER 1
Vous êtes l'un d'entre eux!
CSP
Listen you’re gonna have to call back when you can learn some English.
[HANGS UP]
PS
There’s a non-significant probability that inbound calls will not be native English speakers.
CSP
Does that thing have an anglo setting? I know a little Spanish, but only enough to get myself shot in a cathouse—
[rings]
PS
You should pick it up
CSP
We have got to start getting English programs out to these folks. Lordy. Yeah. Hello?
ALT-CSP
This is Colonel Stephen Prather, who am I speaking to?
CSP
I’m afraid you might be confused, this is Colonel Stephen Prather. Genuine article.
ALT-CSP
I think we’ll have to agree to disagree, my friend.
CSP
Fair enough. Ride the Meerkat, whoever you are.
ALT-CSP
Fair enough, ride the Meerkat.
[DISCONNECTS]
CSP
Why don’t we switch this around to some outbound calls Piotr, what do you say?
PS
It’s switched over now. Any call you make will be routed in the future.
CSP
Isn’t that the case with any phone call?
PS
The containment field we’re standing in has a lensing effect. This both delays and disrupts the time-space coupling resulting in a currently unpredictable amount of time dilation.
CSP
Now I’m wondering who I should dial?
PS
Is your father dead?
CSP
Yes, years ago.
PS
Don’t dial him.
CSP
I’m going to try the blood bank here.
[dialing]
This place is great in a pinch. Dialing now into the future folks.
[connecting]
UNKNOWN PARTY 2
Spot Johhny’s, Escalades, what can I do for you?
CSP
Wow, did you used to be a blood bank?
UNKOWN PARTY 2
I don’t know.
CSP
Can you tell me what year it is?
UNKNOWN PARTY 2
Why don’t you get high on your own time?
[disconnects]
CSP
I couldn’t really tell, but that has to be the future. Let’s try another one here.
[dial sound]
[connects]
Who have you called on this thing Piotr?
PS
Who have I called. Who have I called. I most recently spoke with a sceptic tank clinger. For some reason, I kept reaching him repeatedly. He eventually threatened to kill me.
CSP
That’s too bad.
ALT-CSP
Yeah. Hello?
CSP
This is Colonel Stephen Prather, who am I speaking to?
ALT-CSP
I’m afraid you might be confused, this is Colonel Stephen Prather. Genuine article.
CSP
I think we’ll have to agree to disagree, my friend.
ALT-CSP
Fair enough. Ride the Meerkat, whoever you are.
CSP
Right on, right the Meerkat.
[DISCONNECTS]
Well, they’re obviously well-educated, whoever that was. Piotr, what’s next for you my friend?
PS
I’m probably going to use your bathroom.
CSP
Alright, well enjoy yourself and thank you again for joining us. Look forward to next one. Folks, thank you all for joining us again. We hope you will pop back over on Sunday when we’ll have author M. Hedley Griffin joining us to discuss his new book “The Coming Mule Apocalypse.”
Man, I had no idea how many mules are strategically placed worldwide. If you have a chance to read this, I’d jump on it. He really traces the recent rise of sentient muledome to the centuries of servitude that preceded.
I don’t have any hooves and it got me cooking under the color. Hope you’ll join us for that. Big thanks to Stephanie and once again a fond farewell to Bruce. He’s been a little gaseous, but I think he’s going out on a high note. Ian will fill in on tomorrow’s show when we hope you’ll settle in for a new and unprecedented exploration.
OUTRO
Until then do not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart your search for wisdom and knowledge, all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon. Good night
Beyond the Near Horizon: Jun 5 1976 - Inventor Piotr Shovelusky & Clairvoyant Ranchera Yasmine
THIS EPISODE: Colonel Stephen Prather interviews Student Inventor Piotr Shovelusky. Birthday readings from Ranchera Yasmine and listener letters.
INAPPROPRIATE USE OF A PODCAST is proud to present encore presentations of the iconic radio program "Beyond the Near Horizon" with host Colonel Stephen Prather. Since 1975, this innovative program has explored the unexplained, the occult and other controversial topics. Featuring interviews with unconventional experts from across the intellectual spectrum, every program lives up to the promise of its creator Colonel Prather to "not allow the ordinary distractions to thwart the search for wisdom and knowledge." As he reminds, "all that and more may just be revealed beyond the near horizon."
