EP203: You Know You're a Jerk When…

Dive deeper into the many facets of love and uncover its intricate connection with leadership in this episode. Stay tuned to cultivate the courage to speak your truth with the gentleness of your heart, becoming a catalyst of kindness that transforms your relationships and leadership journey for a more fulfilling life!

Key Takeaways To Listen For

• ‘Jerktonium’ in Action: Who they are and how they manifest themselves
• A foundational component of being truly kind to yourself and others
• Key characteristics of genuine kindness
• How can the lack of kindness lead to familial dysfunction?
• The effects of true kindness on your well-being and relationships

Resources Mentioned In This Episode

• EP202: Taming the Beast, Strategies for Overcoming Impulsive Leadership with Jeremy Smith | Apple Podcasts and Spotify
• EP184: The Power of Grace in Leadership | Apple Podcasts and Spotify

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Dr. Nate Salah
Hello, my friend, and welcome to this episode of A Call to Leadership I'm Dr. Nate Salah, your host. I'm so glad you joined me here on the show today. We're continuing our conversation around an area of leadership that very few people embrace, very few people understand, and very few people are able to manifest it in ways that are so incredibly relevant and attractive. They create massive influence in their leadership model. It's love. If you can only imagine the power of different aspects of love as we uncover them from the ancient scriptures on the love that we call the love verses. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, always trusts.

[00:00:58]
Always hopes and always perseveres. Imagine if we replaced the word love with leadership. Leadership is patient. Leadership is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Leadership does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. I believe that loving leadership, that's the kind of leadership that does not fail. And so as we uncover each of these characteristics of love, I invite you to join me so that we can lead more effectively. We can lead more wholly, more fully.

[00:01:40]
We can lead lives that are meaningful, are worthy, have deep sense of purpose. It guides my every day. I haven't arrived yet. I laid at your feet to consider in your pathway to aiming for greatness in your leadership journey and serving. So last episode we talked with Jeremy Smith about the patience of love. If you haven't listened to that episode, I encourage you to go back to a one and here we are. Love is kind. The second attribute leadership is kind. What is a kind leader and what is unkind leader? Let's start with. The lack of kindness and I would say this is a little area of leadership that sometimes we can not only be Unkind, but in my own life, I've been what we would call a jerk.

[00:02:30]
What's a jerk? I mean a jerk is somebody who is definitely the opposite if you will of kind, you know Somebody who's disrespect to others or belittles somebody who bullies or intimidates it so many manipulates is rude and you might say You know what, Nate? Speak for yourself, because you might have been a jerk. In fact, I might have been having jerktonium, and I won't ascribe to that. I've always been a kind person. Well, let's say this, you know, you know you're a jerk, or you have been a jerk, if you've ever interrupted. Talked over anyone, perhaps during a conversation or a meeting or disregarding someone's input. Have you ever done that? I have. In fact, I often interrupted. Boy, I was interrupting all the time and talking over, especially if I didn't care about someone's opinion. I didn't think it mattered. I would just disregard what they said, and I would just bully my way into a conversation. And take ownership of it.

[00:03:29]
That's not kind. That's jerktonium. Maybe rumors. You say, Nate, that's not me. Have you ever spread false rumors? Have you ever gossiped about someone, a colleague, a friend, a family member to desire to tarnish the reputation? Oh man, I used to be so catty and gossipy and tell stories. Sometimes there's some truth in them, but sometimes they're completely false. Man, and you can just hurt people with that. That's not Loving leadership. That's jerktonium. Inaction. Say, Nate, that's not me. Well, have you ever made a derogatory comment or a joke that demeans or offends an individual or a certain group of people? I'm not talking about comedians on television. I'm talking about When you are malicious about negative comments at the expense of others, perhaps to make yourself look good.

[00:04:19]
Man, I know I have. You say, Nate, none of those things. None of those things are me. I have not been a jerk. I have not had jerktonium. Alright, what about cutting in line? Have you ever cut someone off? Have you ever disregarded etiquette, showing no consideration for others who are waiting? You know, that happened to me once, and actually I didn't even know what happened. And I was getting ready to get my car washed, and I pulled in front of a guy who looked like he was just cleaning his wheels. And I pulled in front of him, and I looked in my rearview mirror, and he was doing the sign like, hey man, what the heck, right? No middle finger. In fact, what I say is I wasn't being called number one.

[00:05:00]
And I looked at my, I was like, oh shoot, I think I kind of look like a jerk. And I backed up because what was happening was he was spraying his wheels. So that he could go through the carwash and he was actually in line. I didn't realize that. So I told him I was sorry and he said, no problem. I said, no, no, I can wait. He said, no, go ahead. And that was a moment where I realized, you know, sometimes it can look like you're a jerk and you don't realize it. I didn't realize it. And turning the corner to actually conduct an act of kindness in exchange for that, I mean, I was in a new place and that's one way that I found that I could change that perception.

[00:05:43]
And maybe you're saying, Nate, those are really trivial. I mean, there's all kinds of ways that either I've been a jerk, maybe someone else has done this to you, constantly criticizing, nitpicking your work without offering any constructive feedback. How about ignoring or dismissing your contributions? How about harassment, bullying, abusive language, insults, threats? How about taking credit for someone else's ideas or achievements without acknowledging anything about a contribution? This used to happen all the time with Steve Jobs. He credited his other ideas with himself. He would credit himself for other people's ideas. That was jerktonium in action. Sometimes it's not like that.

[00:06:22]
Sometimes you're ignoring personal boundaries. Have you ever had your boundaries ignored by someone either physically invading your personal space, perhaps using offensive body language? Perhaps it's not even Physical, maybe it's mental, maybe it's emotional. Now it could be on the other side of boundaries and you are setting boundaries that perhaps are just pretty jerk like I'll give you an example of when I was dating, I had met this beautiful girl who would eventually be my wife. And I could just tell you, boy, even as I say this, Hey, don't judge. Okay. This is vulnerable. We're going to go on our first date and we're going to the movie theater and watch a movie with a bunch of friends.

[00:07:04]
And she said, yes, I'll go to the movies with you. Well. At the time I had a two-seater sports car, my 40th anniversary edition Corvette and my buddy Will always rode shotgun. Well, when I had mentioned to Will, Hey, I got this date. What's up dog? Are you going to let that happen? You get that between us. I'm like, Oh boy, here we go. And what did I do? Total bonehead, total jerk. I let Will ride shotgun and I then had, My buddy, Benny, drive my, not even girlfriend, it's like one of our first dates, to the movie theater. Well, you know, she's looking at Benny like, well maybe I need to be dating Benny. Well, thank goodness, I eventually, I came to my senses, the bonehead jerk.

[00:07:51]
And I pivoted on that one, but it was a rough night. In fact, she was like going to ride home with one of her friends because I was being a total jerk. I wasn't kind at all. It's just one more example of that kind of an issue. Speaking of cars, how about road rage? Have you ever given someone, you know, what told them they were number one on the highway, on the interstate? Maybe you were tailgating. Maybe you're honking excessively. Maybe aggressive gestures toward the driver. No, of course not. That's not you. It's not me either. Actually, I could probably list about seven or eight of these that I know examples, uh, where some of these scenarios highlight where I've been exhibiting disrespectful, unkind behavior towards others.

[00:08:31]
Jerk-like tendencies. I think it's important to understand that and to understand how that doesn't foster positive interactions. It doesn't foster positive relationships. It doesn't foster the kind of leadership that's loving and leads us to have a collective of the same goals and reaching them. That's repulsive. And so there's a need for us to exhibit the opposite of that. The opposite of that is true kindness that helps create positive, supportive environments. And we're going to talk about all that. We're going to talk about the opposite of this. And sometimes We can appear as though we are jerks, and perhaps not showing kindness and empathy and care simply by what we say and what we don't say.

[00:09:19]
Hey, I can't tell you how many times I've had to pivot when my spouse or someone has asked me if they look fat, if you will. And you know what I'm saying, if they look good in an outfit, if they're wearing too much makeup. Any of those things is dangerous territory, friend. And we must tread Lightly yet not be dishonest or deceptive. You say, Nate, you're going too far, man. I'm going to be deceptive and dishonest when it comes to those kinds of things. Hey, you be you, but I can tell you this, there's a way to use language that's affirming and helpful. And if we're intentional about it, we can do this. We can create environments where we are totally in a kindness mentality.

[00:10:03]
And here's the other thing, you know, somebody listening, you might be thinking. Well, isn't kindness weakness? It's true. There's a possibility that it can be challenging to exhibit kindness without fearing that it might be mistaken for weakness. And it's important. It's important to understand that you can genuinely be kind while still asserting yourself. And maintaining personal boundaries, maintaining the differences, you know, kindness is not synonymous with weakness. It's about treating others with respect, with empathy, and compassion. At the same time, valuing your own needs and your own boundaries. Weakness, on the other hand, it involves and can involve allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

[00:10:50]
A lack of assertiveness and compromising your own values. Without considering your well being. Now, I've exhibited this. I don't know about you, but I have had the tendency in the past to have a high level of agreeableness. And so, sometimes I would have a lack of assertiveness, and I would compromise my own boundaries. And I think one of the aspects of of being truly kind is starting with self awareness. Start with a self awareness that we know our values. We know our boundaries. Being kind doesn't mean saying yes to everything. Sacrificing our own needs at the expense of other needs. You know, we have to set healthy boundaries and express our needs as an essential part of maintaining a fulfilling life.

[00:11:40]
And I'm not just saying Personally, I'm talking about professionally too. That's an important step because I have to be kind to me and it doesn't mean that I'm selfish It just means that I understand where my principles lie, and I communicate those effectively. Being kind doesn't mean that I compromise that. Being kind doesn't mean that I don't say things that perhaps are not in vogue, or things that are not generally considered as socially acceptable. You know what? There's a lot of things today that are considered socially unacceptable, and that doesn't mean that I am not being kind by expressing the truth.

[00:12:18]
Sometimes it's unkind to not express the truth. Sometimes it's unkind to not express exactly what's happening and express your feelings. If people can't have tolerance for you to communicate how you feel, then perhaps they're not people who need to be in your community, in your purview, in your sphere. Because I believe that effective kindness communicates clearly. I believe that if we can practice effective communication through sharing our thoughts, sharing our concerns, sharing our ideas openly, yet respectably. If we can do that with respect, kindness can be expressed through active listening, through giving others the benefit of the doubt, and at the same time, let's not shy away from expressing our opinions, standing up for our convictions when we need to.

[00:13:12]
Assertiveness can coexist with kindness. In fact, I think that sometimes we can best find our way in being kind. By leading by example. When you are a leader who's not taken for granted, you're a leader who is setting clear boundaries and expectations. You have to model, I have to model kindness combined with strength. We can inspire others when we share those attributes because they'll follow suit. They'll create what I would consider harmonious environments. That emphasize respect and collaborations. Remember kindness doesn't make you weak. Instead, it reflects emotional intelligence. In fact, it expresses empathy, strength of character, be true to yourself, set boundaries, practice effective communication to exemplify kindness while still maintaining personal strength while maintaining your integrity.

[00:14:06]
It is far from weakness. In fact, That is the kind of kindness that's the opposite of weakness because you're secure being secure Means that you're not threatened in your kindness while you understand what's acceptable. What's unacceptable You understand where those boundaries are if you begin to have people who are taking advantage Of your kindness, you know how to raise that boundary and just say, stop, I'm sorry. Hey, this is going in a direction that I'm just not willing to go. Yeah. We've got to go a different way. You can be assertive, you can be Kurt, and you can at the same time be kind. And I think part of it is how we speak and what comes out of our mouths. You know, I don't believe. In language that tears people down.

[00:14:49]
I don't believe in that. In fact, I look at the old verses from Ephesians 4. 29 that says, Let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth. Only those that are good for building others up according to their needs So that all who listen may benefit that's really the model for speaking life into people's worlds I think we can get what we need to get across. I haven't always been good at this friend. I have not I have said things that are So rude, disrespectful, dismissive toward my friends, my family, my employees, it's never helped. In fact, sometimes it's created a hostile environment in the workplace. It can lead to all kinds of problems, turnover, low morale, reduced productivity.

[00:15:37]
I just believe that there's a kind and considerate empathetic leader within all of us, which we can foster a positive environment, whether it's at work or at home or in our communities where people feel valued. We're employees, we're co-workers, we're our children, our spouse, our friends, our family members feel supported because we're actively listening, we're acknowledging their contributions, we're providing feedback that's not destructive but constructive because a kind leader can inspire a sense of connectedness, it can inspire a deep sense of engagement in a work environment or non-work environment.

[00:16:14]
I mean, I've said some things in a work environment that I completely and totally regret. And you may have heard it said before on a different episode, I had an employee who was a dear friend of mine. And one day he was making a comment about something he thought, and I thought it'd be a really cool to say, Hey, I don't pay you to think I pay you to work. Wow. How rude and boneheaded and disrespectful is that? How dismissive? Is that statement. And of course, that individual is still a dear friend of mine. He's seen the change in me, and so if that's you, if you're in that space, there can be a change in you. And it's not just the business environment. At home, in a family setting, having a lack of kindness, being a jerk.

[00:16:52]
You know, you could be demanding, controlling, belittling, toward family members. I'm telling you about this approach, it can create so much tension. It can create so much resentment, and it just hinders. Healthy communication, healthy progress within a family. We can do so much more. We can have the kind of leadership within a family that's patient, that understands, that's respectful toward our family members, that creates an environment out of love, out of trust. Out of support so that we can have open conversations. Look, I don't understand everything. I am far from all knowing so far. So I want to understand. I want to have cooperation and I want to have growth as a unit. I want to bless you. I want to be blessed by you. Sometimes we might have differences, opinions in a family.

[00:17:41]
Sometimes we might be a helicopter parent. Sometimes we need to back off just a little bit. Sometimes even if one of our children has a jerk Tony, a moment. Instead of engaging, sometimes it's okay just to be silent, give them some time to think it through and perhaps then come back and say, Hey, you know, I was really not in a good place at the time. And then we have an opportunity to give them grace. Boy, grace is the antidote, friend. And if you haven't heard the episodes on grace, where sin abounds, grace abounds even more. Grace abounds, grace abounds even more. We can shower people with grace through kindness. It's okay. It's not going to hurt. You're not going to be taken advantage of as long as your boundaries are set.

[00:18:28]
And this expands to all kinds of relationships, personal relationships. I've seen it so much, myself included, acting selfishly, disregarding others feelings. Consistently putting my needs above others, and it's strained friendships, it's strained intimate relationships. That kind of behavior leads to conflict, it leads to alienation, it leads to brokenness. On the other side of it, we can have values and feelings of the well being of others. We can demonstrate compassion, oh my goodness. We can demonstrate empathy, generosity towards our friends and our partners. Wow, think about the bonds that are fostered, that are so strong based on trust, based on mutual respect, based on reciprocity.

[00:19:13]
Being a jerk in leadership or in personal relationships, it will damage our trust. It will erode business morale, well-being drops, not only for others, for ourselves. Choosing kindness as not just any principle, but a guiding principle. People want to collaborate with you. People want to communicate with you. People want to grow with you. Everyone will want to be developed. It is not weakness. It is such important attribute of your own leadership journey. Plus, it's good for you. It can reduce your stress. Did you know that acts of kindness, if you help others, you express gratitude, you've heard me talk about gratitude on the show many times over. It can lower your stress levels, it boosts the production of oxytocin. And oxytocin is a hormone and it's associated with feeling of happiness, of relaxation. Not only that, it can improve your mood. You won't be in such a bad mood, you won't be curmudgeonly. You know, being kind triggers also the release of endorphins.

[00:20:13]
They're natural mood boosting chemicals in the brain. So what happens is it helps elevate Our mood increases our feeling again of happiness, of well being, by the way, duh, it increases social connections because people don't want to be around jerks. Acts of kindness when we involve interacting with others, we strengthen those social connections. We foster a sense of shared belonging. You know, I believe that it's one of the X factors in creating a supportive friends, relationships, colleagues, and this can lead to more social capital. More relational currency and your mental health and longevity. And here's the thing. I don't think that people are, who are jerks like I have been in the past, have very high self-esteem.

[00:20:59]
In fact. When we engage in acts of kindness, it can boost our self-esteem. It can foster our self-worth. When we make others, we help others through our own actions. Man, talk about positive sense of purpose. Talk about accomplishment. You want lower blood pressure? Be kind. Be compassionate. It's actually associated with lower blood pressure levels. Acts of kindness promotes what? Relaxation, reduce stress, and it can contribute to your overall cardiovascular health. You didn't know this, did you? Hop out of your immune system. You're like, Nate, do acts of kindness, does it solve all the world's problems? Boy, I tell you what, if you had patience and kindness together, think of a world that patience and kindness reigned.

[00:21:47]
They were the one and two. Behaviors of all humanity. They were the pillars of behavior. Think of a world where patience and kindness were how people progressed, how they interacted. What would that world look like? What would that world be like? That would be a beautiful world, a world full of joy and happiness. Think of the problems of the world through patience and kindness, acts of kindness beyond our own finite world where we gave of ourselves beyond measure. Friend, that's a utopia. That's a world beyond what we know today. So yes, kindness is an X factor. And even some studies suggest that acts of kindness can activate genes that are responsible for enhancing immune function so you can improve resilience against illnesses.

[00:22:38]
And there's even research that suggests that engaging in acts of kindness can contribute to a longer and healthier life. Booyah! Acts of kindness have been associated with reduced mortality risk. And increased longevity. Yes, you say, Nate, where do I sign up? Well, you know, it just starts with just a few things that you've already probably been doing. Sometimes it's a smile. Sometimes it's listening. Attentively. Empathetically. Sometimes it's physical. Helping someone carry a bag. Hold a door. Offer to help a coworker with a task that someone may be struggling with. Don't expect anything in return, giving a compliment, not any compliment, a genuine compliment, a sincere compliment, sincere expression of appreciation for someone's efforts or achievement, volunteering our time or our skill, some kind of charitable cause.

[00:23:33]
Some kind of initiative in our community, some worthy objective, taking some of the resources we have and sharing them, whether they're information, just something where others would benefit, just some kind of an effort to include someone who may be feeling left out or lonely in some kind of an activity, random acts of kindness, paying someone's coffee. Buying a meal, anonymous, if you prefer. I shared about our 30 days of love that my son and I did together with these random acts of kindness. Man, they were so life giving for us. They gave us a renewed sense of life. All of these things that I had mentioned were all ticking on our list. Yes, they were. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[00:24:15]
I mean, just as simple as expressing gratitude through a thank you note. If you can send a text message right now to someone who you have gratitude for. This is an acknowledgement of someone else's contribution in your life or the life of others. This offers support. It offers encouragement and who knows who needs it right now in this challenging time. I'm telling you, friend, acts of kindness as a leader can create such a positive impact on individual's wellbeing, your wellbeing. It fosters a sense of community. And remember that even a small act of kindness can go. Such a long way in brightening someone's day, creating a ripple effect of positivity that continues on for all eternity.

[00:25:04]
Well, my friend, thank you for joining me on this episode of A Call to Leadership If you've been listening, you've probably heard me talk about our accounting and advisory business. And this show was actually born out of that business, those relationships. I found that entrepreneurs and professionals were missing aspects of their leadership that. And help their businesses be successful. So I'm so thankful that I've had all those years in that area to feed into this. And the truth is that so many people still need accounting and advisory help and they don't know where to go. If you're in that place where you feel, Oh my goodness, my tax person or my accountant, I can't find them.

[00:25:47]
Or maybe the service wasn't up to my expectations. Do not despair. I'll leave how you can find us in the show notes. And one of my Team members can do some discovery and help you along your journey. You're not alone. My friend, you always have helped. I'm Dr. Nate Salah. Can't wait to see you on the next show of A Call to Leadership.