EP209: Navigating Life's Turbulent Emotion of Anger

Dive deep into the fiery world of anger: its roots, its impact, and how to tame it. Whether you're an occasional hothead or a chronic simmer, this episode offers insights and actionable steps to find calm, build stronger bonds, and unlock personal growth. Tune in and take control of your anger today!


Key Takeaways To Listen For

• Reasons to understand and manage your anger
• The impact of anger on your relationships and how you can fix it
• Actionable anger management tips to find your inner peace
• Importance of having empathy for others in quelling your anger
• When to ask for help in managing your anger

Resources Mentioned In This Episode
Anger Management


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Transcript

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[00:00:00] Dr. Nate Salah
Hello, my friend, and welcome to this episode of A Call to Leadership. I'm Dr. Nate Salah, your host. I am so glad you are here. Well, have you ever felt angry? I mean, to the point to where you made a mistake in your business, in your family, in your life, where you wish if I could only turn back the clock and perhaps I didn't act in such great frustration. I would have not made those critical errors. Well, if you've ever felt that way, or if you've ever experienced it, if you've been on the receiving end, you are not alone. It is. Such a common emotion, the emotion of anger, however, in business, in family, in life, in leadership, when we are easily angered, it can lead to devastation.

[00:00:47]
When we utilize it in the ways that are constructive, it can actually be a beacon, a tool to help us along our journeys. We're going to unpack that on this episode, as we continue our journey in a multi-part series on different aspects of leadership. that manifests itself to bring out the very best in each of us as leaders, leadership that loves. And so we're looking at the verses from 1 Corinthians 13, 4 8, what's considered the love verses. We're transposing the word love with leadership, because I believe that leadership that acts in accordance with these Virtues is so incredibly resonant and so incredibly powerful and so incredibly effective that we can't ignore it.

[00:01:32]
So we talked about leadership that's patient, leadership that's kind, leadership that doesn't envy, that doesn't boast, that isn't proud. We talked about leadership that is not rude and leadership that's not self-seeking. And today, leadership is not easily angered. And so let's dive right in. What is anger? Well, anger is an emotion we've all seen, we've all experienced. You say, Nate, I've never been angry in my entire life. Well, let's talk about it. And perhaps by the end of the episode, maybe you'll have changed your perspective, or maybe you'll have galvanized it. It's an emotion. It's a complicated emotion.

[00:02:10]
It can have constructive and destructive effects on so many aspects of our lives. So whether it's in a business context, whether it's in our families, whether it's in our personal relationships, anger has the potential to shape outcomes in massive ways. And so we're going to explore the nature of anger. We're going to explore its devastating consequences as well as the possibilities and the potential for positive change. And look at some real world. Real life examples of anger in each of these domains of business, family, and life. And we're going to finish with some really important insights on how to control it, how to challenge it effectively.

[00:02:46]
And I'm speaking to you from a place of experience. You might not believe this. However, I was once a very angry person. And here's the thing, what we're talking about is the scripture says easily angered. I was easily angered. Leaders should not be easily angered. We should be able to temper and control our emotional responses no matter what the feelings are. And yes, having a feeling of frustration, having a feeling of injustice, some kind of threat that we perceive, all kinds of reasons. That anger makes its way into our lives. Maybe we've got expectations that are unmet. Maybe some conflicts that's bristling. Maybe some kind of trigger that buttons that's being pressed.

[00:03:29]
It's a natural human emotion. In my own life, massive anger. And I grew up in this environment to where just about anything could trigger me. I had such a short fuse. And you might have been this way. You might have known people like this. But in high school, I was always ready to fight. You think, Nate, you, yes, I was always, and I didn't care how big they were. If there was a fight because I was upset or angry about something, I would just roll up my sleeves and whether I got beat up or not, it was going to happen. Of course, I'm much older now and I found new ways to resolve my issues. But I remember in high school, you're a deal with people that just poked at you.

[00:04:04]
And I had one of my classmates who was also, I was on the swim team and he was on the swim team too. And we kind of ribbed each other. But he would take it really far. You ever meet people who would just take things way too far? Well, he took things so far in class and he would just. Poke and poke and poke till I was ready like man when this bell rings We're gonna go outside and we're gonna scrap we're gonna box and he would just get my emotions So incredibly fired up and then when we got outside, he wouldn't want to fight. He'd say nah, man I was just playing with you. I'll just mess with you and I'm like wow that is happening. You know what? I am a fool for letting this person press my buttons and that wasn't the only time, but then I stayed the fool because I allowed this emotion to continue to drive me to the point where I was on autopilot so much that it began to wreck my relationships because I was just uncontrolled in my rage, easily angered as a young man.

[00:04:59]
I remember one time my mom would not let me borrow the car. It was my car. Supposedly, and she said, no, you can't take the car. And I had this frustration because I had the expectation. Remember when we talked about unmet expectations? I had the expectation that I was to get those keys to that car anytime I wanted. Now, it was an old beat-up 1982 Buick Regal. My mom paid 900 for it, but she's the one who paid for it. It was her car. Technically, but it was my car because she bought it for me. So what do you think happened when she told me I couldn't drive that car? Most kids would go back into the room, perhaps, and maybe sulk a little bit, maybe slam a door. No, I decided to go outside to the car and kick a big dent in the driver's side door. What a buffoon! Think about that. The anger that I exhibited, I was just wound so tight to the point where I kicked my own car and damaged the vehicle. Yes, you're like, Nate, you probably had some psychological issues.

[00:05:59]
Yeah, perhaps so. And that's something we'll talk about as well. But here's the thing about this, we are human beings and anger is a natural human emotion and it signals something that's wrong, something that needs attention. The problem is when it's left unchecked, in my case, It was left unchecked because you can just go down the box, right? My parents were divorced. I didn't have a relationship. My father, my mom had some challenges herself. I had two stepdad, you can go down the list of all the things that are wrong with life. It is what it is. But here's the problem. When my emotions were in such bondage that I just became uncontrollably angry, I expressed those emotions inappropriately and it led to detrimental consequences.

[00:06:44]
And as a youth, I didn't understand how to deal with those emotions. I didn't understand the healthy way to lead a life that wasn't so wound up and bound up and just ready to explode. And here's the thing about it. It doesn't end there. Unless this is, is addressed, unless we find healthy ways. To deal with anger, whether it's ourselves, whether it's a loved one, it'll wreak havoc in every of our lives, you know, in business, it works in the same way. Uncontrolled anger can zap. It can wreak havoc on productivity, on teamwork, on success. Have you ever had a manager who frequently lost his or her temper? I have. And what does that do to a work environment? Well, it creates hostility. It creates an environment that stifles creativity. And by the way, talented employees aren't going to stay in this environment.

[00:07:38]
They will leave because it's toxic. If that carries on to the business environment, that's toxic. I carried that on. And if you've listened to the show, you've heard me talk about Chuck E. Cheese's. And as hard of a worker as I was, I had this festering anger just building up inside of me. Remember what I talked about earlier? Frustration. Injustice, perceived threats, unmet expectations, conflicts, personal triggers. I had all that. And so as soon as I felt threatened, I was ready to just quit, just give it up. And eventually I did. And I was a talented employee. It's not necessarily the manager that was causing this. This was me. So we have to monitor, we have to understand who we have working with us.

[00:08:15]
Are they emotionally mature? Because There is an emotional and moral immaturity that goes along with this idea of becoming easily angered. And we have to assess that in our organizations. You know, sometimes when you're dealing with teenagers, I was a teenager. I was 16 years old when I got my first job. Sometimes it is what it is. However, now, as an adult and an owner of a business, I don't hire anyone who doesn't have emotional maturity. That doesn't have emotional intelligence. And that's a non negotiable. In my environments. And as soon as I see that that's perhaps not being addressed, we have a way to, to work that out, whether it's, we make some changes in our behavior, we make changes in our team members because it is so devastating to a business.

[00:08:57]
And if you're a business owner and you're reacting angrily to your customers, to customer complaints, that has devastating effects too. It could damage the reputation of the business. You could lose valuable clientele again. It's happened to me. I remember a time and I'm telling you this because it's just real. I had a client who there was an issue with the expectation. The client had an expectation. This is many, many years ago, by the way, probably about good 20 years ago. And the client had an issue with the billing and the billing was, I thought, very low. And the argument was really over a very small amount of money. And I got so angry that I took the money. I think it was even changed. I slammed it on the counter and I said, there's your money. Are you happy? You can go, this is so immature. This is such an unproductive way to do business. I've done it with employees too. I mean, way back in the day in 2002, I had a disagreement with an employee and during.

[00:09:54]
We had our mortgage company and we're yelling so loudly in my office that the entire office just stopped working and I had to go out and apologize because I was reacting so angrily There's no possibility for constructive resolution for this environment. But on the other hand, anger can be harnessed and it can serve as a catalyst when used appropriately to motivate individuals to address inefficiencies or injustices within an organization, but it can't be used strictly from the perspective of, I am allowing this emotion to take dominion, to take ownership. I have to display anger in a way that's constructive. There's been a phrase called righteous indignation, you know, you can be angry for something and have that anger fuel positivity and a positive solution. We don't have to lose our temper, by the way you can become angry without losing your temper, so that a hostile environment is not creative It's just simply stating that there's a situation That my emotions are welling up in, and I'm going to do something good about it.

[00:10:59]
I'm going to do something good about it, and we're going to talk about it as well in different contexts. Within the family, anger finds its way. And unfortunately, in business environments, yes, anger can be devastating. In families, it can be just as devastating, if not more. Because in business environments, anger can lead to all kinds of other issues too. because you think about individuals in business environments who react in such great anger that they cause physical harm to some of their co-workers, sometimes even death. We know this in the news. We've seen it in different environments where people have massive breakdowns. And their anger just becomes rage and it gets the best of them.

[00:11:37]
So you can see where the slippery slope is with this and the business. And then of course, that can carry over into families because it can have massively challenging issues in the family, in our overall well-being. Because if we have unresolved anger, what happens to trust? It gets eroded. What happens to communication? It falls off. What happens to intimacy between family members? It falls apart. For example, if we are constantly arguing in a way that's fueled by anger, it can create such a toxic atmosphere that impacts our families negatively and impacts our children's emotional development negatively. It impacts our overall family dynamics. Negatively, we've had arguments in our family that have been so devastating to our little one when our son was so young and to where he was just breaking down. He didn't want to be there because my wife and I were arguing so angrily, so viscerally, and it's not that we don't have disagreements. However, there's real trauma that can develop within a family.

[00:12:36]
And we've got to be able to understand and find ways through that. And I'll share some soon on the other side, when it's managed effectively, we can grow together, we can address our underlying issues. We can seek counseling. We can seek therapy. We can improve our communication skills in a family. And right now, friend, families are so divided. We've got so many challenges in our families when it comes to post pandemic and kids having challenges with connecting and parents being pulled in so many directions. And there's so many commitments that we're saying yes to so many things. And so our emotions can well up. Perhaps the finances are challenged.

[00:13:13]
Perhaps we've got some substance abuse or alcohol addictions. Perhaps there's infidelity. There's all kinds of reasons that are valid that are causing us to have these kind of emotions well up. I get it. It is not easy. It can have massive detrimental effects on our mental, on our physical, on our emotional, our spiritual health. But here's what happens. Our stress levels go up. Our blood pressure rises. We have heart problems. Our immune systems get compromised. We get our personal relationships strained by it. We get isolated from others with our support networks. We hinder our personal growth and happiness. All of these things have a profound effect.

[00:13:53]
And sometimes anger isn't outward. Sometimes it's inward. Sometimes being easily angered. is angry with ourselves. Perhaps we've got negative self talk. Perhaps we're telling ourselves we'll never amount to this, or we can never appreciate that, or we'll never have that kind of life, or that's such a negative, devastating anger within, directed at our own selves. Or perhaps we missed a shot in a game, or we didn't pass the test, or perhaps at the recital I didn't have the lines, right? Or perhaps during the dance competition, I mistakenly made a wrong move and we didn't score or we didn't win. Give yourself some grace. Take a moment. Give yourself some grace. Don't become so easily angered with yourself.

[00:14:44]
Allow yourself to realize and recognize that failure is not final. It's feedback. It's actually fuel to help you to overcome and to work harder and to try harder. The next time use that anger rather than to talk yourself down, to build yourself up, make it a powerful force for transformation. Channel it constructively. Let it motivate you to set boundaries, to assert yourself, to make the positive change in your life. That helps you to be better, to be stronger, to be wiser, to be healthier. That's the power of rechanneling that emotion. And here's some things that we can do to control our anger. I think one of the first things we can do in the realm of emotional intelligence, and that's practice self-awareness. If we can recognize the signs of anger within ourselves and understand that there are underlying triggers that lead to its expression, you know, what is it that's triggering me? What is it that I feel injustice to? What are my unmet expectations? Unmet expectations are likely one of the larger realms of this environment for cultivating an anger problem, right?

[00:15:55]
Where we need anger management. I'm sure you've heard of the movie or seen the movie Anger Management. Once I became more self aware, once I realized that my friend here He's just giving me a lot of trouble. He's trying to push my buttons. He's trying to trigger me and I need to be self-aware enough to know that I need to expect him to do that and recognize that, you know what, man, I'm not your puppet. You can say whatever you want. It's not going to bother me because you're the one who's making a fool out of yourself thinking that you're going to say something that's going to upset me. And as soon as I became more self aware, Of my context, I began to take dominion and control back of my own responses to what I thought was going on.

[00:16:38]
I didn't care about injustice. You know what? You're just full of hot air. Your sole intention is to get me to act the way you want me to act, and I say no. It's not going to happen. In that particular instance, I was no longer going to let it happen. And perhaps it's something else for you. Maybe politics. Maybe someone got elected and you thought the other person should have been elected and it's total injustice. And you're just so incredibly angry. And rather than be destructive over the anger, be constructive. Instead of tearing things down. Build something up. Fight harder for that individual to get elected. Whoever that might be. Begin to regulate our emotions. This is another strategy for re-channeling, for controlling our anger. We need to develop healthy coping mechanisms to manage our anger effectively. Sometimes, it's taking a deep breath, friend. I've had so many instances when I've had to just step back and breathe and allow my emotions to settle, to do meditation, to pray, to get out there and do a physical activity, to just pause.

[00:17:44]
You know, sometimes, just pausing. Just stopping. Don't communicate at the moment when I'm angry you've heard maybe perhaps you've heard of the phrase halt It's not to make decisions when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired HALT that A is for anger when you're feeling angry when I'm feeling angry stop. Don't respond to the email I've responded to emails when I was angry and then I look the next day and I'm like, oh my goodness, Nate, dude. What you said was just made the whole situation worse We were just waiting a day. I love the Abraham Lincoln approach of write the letter fine. Don't send it. Of course, we don't write letters much more type the email type the text. Don't send it let Your emotions settle so that you can think clearly because emotions can cloud our judgment and if we don't have clarity, we don't have power So that cloudy judgment is like driving in a fog and you're gonna hit something sometimes if you've ever seen A massive rain.

[00:18:42]
Sometimes it's better just to stop and wait for the rain to pass away. So you can see the road clearly again and you can make wise choices. That's what we call emotional regulation and it helps and it works. And it helps me every day that I start to well up with anger for all those reasons. Stop. Is this anger being used to help and build up the situation or is it going to be folly and foolishness that's only going to make the situation worse and learning to then effectively communicate to express our anger in a constructive way? Let's foster understanding. Let's foster resolution. I can express it. And say, look, this situation, my emotions are angry right now. I can express that and say, I'm in anger, but I want to be constructive. I want to be constructive in this anger. I want to foster understanding. I want to foster resolution.

[00:19:37]
And then I want to seek support. Hey, if I need to talk with somebody, talk to a mentor, talk to a therapist, talk to a counselor, let's gain some insights. Why I'm feeling anger. Let's get to the root, to the heart of it. And then perhaps learn strategies. For managing it, that is so essential. If I don't have a support community around me to help me to flesh this out, I'm struggling. That might be a coworker. You might have a coworker and there's a situation that is sensitive. And of course, if there's room to speak about it where it's not a gossip situation, it's like, you know, this situation has caused me great grief. It's caused me great anger, perhaps. There's another coworker who's taking credit for something that you, uh, did.

[00:20:17]
Perhaps there's a situation to where a coworker has dropped the ball and you've had to pick it up and they're not doing it. Perhaps there's been other issues. Perhaps there's issues that you need to go to a supervisor about because they're serious. And they're causing harm to you. Are they causing issues to your safety and you need to go that direction. That's perfectly acceptable in a family, man, the power of going to my spouse and saying, I'm really angry about the situation because of what's happened here. I've gone to my spouse so many times and I've shared. That, and just having my spouse to listen and perhaps to just share some insights has helped me to release and relieve that anger and to properly channel it and manage it.

[00:20:57]
Sometimes practicing empathy toward others perspectives, trying to understand their emotions before reacting with anger is so incredibly helpful. I remember a story once that Stephen Covey told about a man on a subway or a bus with kids and the kids were just acting. Out of sorts, they were making such a commotion and other people on that ride were starting to become angry because the man was just sitting there just not doing anything. And they're like, why don't you control your kids? They're so loud. They're. They're just making a big fuss all around this tram and here you are just sitting there. Man, we're angry. We need to do something about it. It turns out they were coming home from the funeral. He had just lost his wife. They had just lost their mother.

[00:21:44]
He was just in a shock of a bombshell. That changes things. That perspective changes things. Now I understand what's going on. Now instead of reacting in anger, I can react with compassion. Man, I'm so sorry. Is there anything that I can do? In the moment. You see, my friend, practicing empathy has a massively valuable effect on Understanding our emotions before reacting with anger It's not always the case, but it's such an important tool and then sometimes it's all about the resolution of conflict You know, we have to learn strategies that promote open dialogue create compromise Finding mutually beneficial solutions. Sometimes it's simply distance. Sometimes there's situations where it creates so much anger and we're not ready for that. So we've got to distance ourselves. I've had to do that. I've had to do that in relationships and just not have a conversation around it. I've gotten messages that have caused me to become so angry because of the level of injustice in the message.

[00:22:44]
And I don't respond sometimes the best way to handle something is to allow that time to pass to really think it through and not even respond. Sometimes the best open dialogue is no dialogue at all. Sometimes it is wise to dialogue and have a conversation, but timing is important to wait till the emotions have subsided and then have the dialogue. I found that in my own family, my own son. Sometimes as a teenager, his emotions are on fire. And I've had a conversation about something that I thought was important at the time and it resulted in a very angry conversation with my, I was angry, my son was angry, and I realized, man, Nate got to get better timing with this.

[00:23:26]
Let his emotions begin to subside and then wait and have an open conversation so that we can find solutions that benefit both of us have discernment. Discernment is such an important opportunity here. And as much as I can, I don't put myself in situations. That will cause those old anger triggers to manifest the ones all the way back from high school way back 32 years ago. Here's the thing friend, anger is a very complex emotion and it has the potential to both destroy and transform businesses, our families, our lives. Here's what we have to manage. We have to recognize that uncontrolled anger. It can be devastating. It can damage our relationships. It could damage and destroy our productivity.

[00:24:12]
It can totally kill our well-being, but when we manage it effectively, when properly utilized, it can be a catalyst for positive change and personal growth. We have to develop self-awareness. We have to regulate our emotions. We have to improve our communication skills and find that support when we need it. Find it in our hearts to have empathy when it's appropriate. Embrace solutions when we can. We can harness this power in a way that promotes growth, promotes healthy relationships. It's a natural emotion, but it's how we choose to express and manage it that ultimately determines its impact on lives. Well, my friend, we did it.

[00:24:54]
Well, my friend, we did it. I'm so honored you were able to join me on this episode of A Call to Leadership. Now, this might not be for everyone because you really have to be in a certain place in order to take the kind of steps to level up your leadership. And I want you to be taking steps. And for those of you who feel like you're ready for something like this, there's a place you can go. You can go to our website, greatsummit.com. I'll make sure that's in the show notes, but here's the cool thing that we have, we have a masterclass. We have all different kinds of events. We even have our leadership club where you can meet other people just like you to go deeper in your leadership journey. You and I all get to spend some time together and really focus on aiming for greatness. I can't wait to see you there. I'm Dr. Nate Salah, and this is A Call to Leadership.