Mortality Meditations

In which I muse on death, mortality, and our obligations to our children and ourselves to share the truth of the cycle of life. Feliz Día de los Muertos a todos! 

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Transcript

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Look, the trees are turning their own bodies into pillars of light. Our giving off the rich fragrance of cinnamon and fulfillment. The long tapers of cat tails are bursting and floating away over the blue shoulders of the ponds and every pond, no matter what its name is is nameless now. Every year, everything I have ever learned in my lifetime leads back to this, the fires and the black river of loss whose other side is salvation. Who's meaning none of us will ever know. To live in this world, you must be able to do three things. To love what is mortal to hold it against your bones, knowing your own life depends on it. And when the time comes to let it go to let it go. Mary Oliver. I feel obligated to post something today. I think that most writers. And artists will appreciate the fragile feeling of words and thoughts fluttering inside your breastbone, waiting to fly. This podcasting experience is unique, both because I get to craft the written words that I send out or that I speak, but also because I'm able to shape them with my physical voice. It's like reading poems and then experiencing slam poetry or spoken word, the way that we can twist the meanings of words with inflections. And emotion amplifies the satisfaction of getting my words out. But I am still finding my voice. I'm still trying to fight past the inner voices that tell me that. I should keep still and small and silent because I am talking about topics that are not mine to, to pontificate on or to speculate on. And so I want to thank you for coming with me on this journey and forgiving my stumbles along the way. Especially when I talk about a topic as heavy as death. And about the season that we're in. So this season of Halloween. Approaching the mid point of fall is popularly conceived in the spiritual community. As a liminal time when the veil of the worlds is thin. And those who believe that the spirits of the deceased persist past death are more able to visit the So certainly since I moved to Chicago, the weather feels far more appropriate to the holiday. It's actually getting colder. The days are shorter. The leaves are falling. The breadth of winters moving into the land. And the holiday reminds us of the dangers of the cold season and of the long dark. For a long time. I viewed Halloween more as an amusing holiday for carousing, most often intoxicated. And I kind of, cause I seriously maybe lit some candles or talked a little bit. About how there were ghosts and spirits. But as I've gotten older and particularly since I've had children, I'm actually struck by the depths of the horrors on display at Halloween. I'm walking through the neighborhoods with my five-year-old daughter and my two and a half year old son. And there are mummies and vampires and ghouls and themes of famine and body parts and cannibalism. Murder and madness and they're all offered up as amusements And while I don't think there's anything wrong with finding some dark levity. In the worst aspects of humanity and human experience. I do think that we miss the intention of the holiday and of this time of year. If that's all we take from the displays. For all of those concepts and ideas come out of true horrors. We tell our children that monsters don't exist when they do and that the monsters are us. That there has been murder and there has been famine and there has been war and rape and pillage. And those are all things that happen because ordinary people become monsters. Due to hunger to hate to rage. And so perhaps we would be better served if in an age appropriate way, we started drawing connections early for our children, between the plastic vampire. The Google, the dead bodies that are student on lawns. And bloody hand prints on windows. If we do lines to the historical human facts of famine and war and conquest. Jealousy and rage and passions that are out of control. When they're small and growing up and learning so much about their own emotions. I think that it's important that we talk. A little bit. Now I'm not saying that you inundate your four-year-old with the details of some horrific historical famine. But I think that it's important that we tell them as appropriately as possible, how those emotions have played out in society. And why, when we talk about help set, we're getting our angry that we're getting, how, why it's important that we recognize and learn to express our emotions because they are powerful and they can To these very destructive forces in the world. And children aren't dumb. They sense this. And when we sweep it under the rug we do them a disservice when we hide the darkness in our histories and in ourselves, we leave our children unprepared for encountering darkness in real life. It's an uncomfortable and terrible thought that I cannot protect my children. From the worst of humanity and from the uncertainties of life. But that reality doesn't go away. If I pretend that it doesn't exist or that it's in some past time. Our culture, prizes distraction from the seriousness of life. And in my generation, I find that when people talk about spiritual experiences or thoughts about death or loss, that there's almost always a really swift self-deprecating remark or lighthearted wisecrack to kind of pull up and out of a serious and intimate moment. And I'm certainly guilty of this myself. We are also a culture that prizes youth over old age. And we're surrounded by a spiritual culture. That teaches us that there is a way to everlasting life. If only we believe in a certain God or profess certain spiritual incantations. We're constantly bombarded with information about how this particular supplement or super food or exercise or scientific breakthrough. We'll bring us an ever longer life individually. And the overwhelming message is that death and pain are to be escaped. To me, this focus on an escape from the cycle of death. And life is misguided and detrimental to our spiritual health and actually affects our ability to respond to both small personal crises well and also larger crises like climate change. I know it sounds really odd to link such a small thing to our collective, inability to take action to fix what's happening. Happening. But I think that this is a small part of it. I'm not saying it's the whole thing, but I think. That this essential piece of wanting to escape. Death of thinking that we're above the rest of creation, that we are so smart, that we're going to think our way or invent our way out of this as if we're not part of one living entity of the earth. I think that is why. It's so difficult to get us all to take collective action there's a, I don't know if it's a famous quote, but it's a saying that I think most people know. That says something like tomorrow is a dream. Yesterday's a memory and today is all we have. It sounds very trite. And kind of dumb. And very obvious. But it is also true I think that there are probably other quotes and sayings out there that basically this say the same thing, but in fancier language attached to learning names. And I found myself quoting it to my, uh, almost five-year-old a couple of months ago when she was lamenting a thing that she wanted to do the next day that she wanted to rush. And hurry to get to, and that she wished that she could just skip over. The rest of the day and get to the thing tomorrow. And I was trying to get her to appreciate. Staying in the moment. And I found myself quoting the saying. And it's probably because i had a little bit of a personal revelation that goes directly to the point of the saying About six months ago. I was sitting on the couch exhausted as my children kind of bounced around the living room, laughing and playing. And I want to say right here that. In many of my reflections and my experiences of my own life. I fully recognize that that I have, and I am privileged in many ways. I don't have to try and put my children to bed and go work a second job. I don't have to scrape and scrounge to try and find rent money or to find food. And so I realized that a lot of the trials and the hardships that I face in my life are significantly less than a lot of other people. And maybe even some of the people that are listening to my words right now. And so I want to just say that I don't want to claim in my podcast or in these reflections that my words are absolute truth. They're just the reflections and thoughts that have come out of my life and my own experience. So. Prefacing all of this with saying that I was sort of sitting on my couch, exhausted. It was 6:00 PM. And even as I was sort of, half-heartedly engaging with them when they requested it. All I could think was I just have to get through until bedtime. I just have to hold on. Until they're asleep. And I realized that I had been thinking that. For weeks. I had just sort of been. Pushing through. And thinking that at some point something was going to change or get better. Or go back to the way it was. I think that's really, it, it was going to go back to a better time or a better place. But then I realized that this was it, that these are all the little moments that are swiftly passing me by. And that I was treating the precious moments when my children were utterly present. As a time to just endure rather than to celebrate. I was already thinking past the moment I was in, rather than trying to find some joy in the moment, along with the exhaustion. And so I tried to use the reminder of mortality to find the joy, even when I'm tired. We're feeling that just trying to be more gentle with myself and my children and not give into anger and irritability. Because I think when you're constantly thinking beyond your moment or into the past, Then you're letting the disappointments of the past or the fears or anxieties about tomorrow. Really get in the way of where you are in the moment. I try and remind myself that cycles are natural. The cycles of emotions, cycles of relationships, cycles of interest and creativity that our lives have rhythms like the seasons and that without There can't be new life. On the planet. Or inside myself that without the death of the old me, there cannot be new things. I died and I was reborn when I had my children. I died and I was reborn. Then I decided to take control of my own identity and start speaking the words in my heart. The times I have been most full of despair in my life or the times that I was consumed with the things I had and had not done in the past. And obsessed with all the things that I might yet do in the future. So when I noticed this tendency. To try and hold on to only the pleasurable things or experiences. When I noticed that coming up in my children, I try and sit with them and use it as a teaching To talk about how we cannot hold on to even the best things in life. And also that the worst things are transient as well. Buddhism, very helpfully has a term for this. They seem to have a tr a term for everything. And the term is Tonna the craving to hold on to pleasurable experiences. To be separated from painful or unpleasant experiences and for neutral experiences or feelings not to decline. And from this craving in the understanding of Buddhism suffering arises, and I think the cultural practice to turn Halloween. Into a fun holiday. That's only stuffed with candy and silly costumes is a prime example of us embracing this craving and thus leading to unnecessary suffering when the reality of death and endings and truths. It's also a kind of strange spiritual stunting to have a common cultural ritual that so visually and visibly evokes death without actually including any real reflection on an honoring for those who've died. I think we can see this cultural whole. And the way that the ritual of the other. This has become more popular. True to a culture that consumes at a surface level and commodifies everything companies via to sell products themed generically to the holiday. And many people are adopting the look of the ritual celebration without the necessary solemnity. I think that people are drawn to the idea of honoring the deceased, because our larger culture dismisses the debt as completely gone. Or have no consequence. I once read a book or an article. I can't really remember which The talked about how we used to see and smell death much more closely in our daily lives, people slaughtered animals, or they saw it being done. The diet at home, they prepared the dead bodies of their relatives. They sat with them. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that it was a better way to live or that nobody does these things now because clearly people do. But I think that it's important to ask ourselves what we have lost by keeping death and dying at a distance and overly commercializing. And I'm speaking for most of us population. We don't even give the earth. It's due of our bodily remains. We pump bodies full of chemicals to keep even decay at bay. And we put them in plastic boxes, denying our place in the cycle of death and decay that has kept this planet alive for millions of years. Do also shows how race and ethnicity can shape our spiritual expression. The holiday has its roots, both in Spain and in some of the Mashika practices. Spanish celebrations in medieval times included bringing wine and find the animals, spirit bread to grave sites, lighting candles, the grave, and covering the graves with flowers. The Michigan celebration of way must say, must have must the wheat. And I apologize to anyone, if I totally butchered that. It was actually a month long and it corresponds roughly with the period of time that we now know as late July and early August. The other Los Muertos marries the two and is a solemn time when we believe that the boundary between the living and the dead dissolve and our ancestors can visit us. We share food. We offer alcohol water songs, flowers in the lights of candles. And it will say if you're a history hound, you should know DIA de Los Muertos. Wasn't really a huge celebration, even in most of Mexico until the early 19 And that after. The after the civil war. And the early 19 hundreds. There was a real surgeon interest in promoting things that created a Mexican identity. And so following that, and then the evolution of more of an indigenous consciousness in Mexico and among the Mexican diaspora. Uh, you see people adopting and taking on more of the, the, of those, what. Those traditions. In their families and in their towns. So for the Michigan. is the underworld, the land of the dead. And it's also known as she Malayan plein police of Polish. Mint or friction, and it has nine levels, which spirits must traverse to be cleansed. The rulers of Mictlan army Uh, sorry, what. and death is both the mother and the daughter of life. The two go together and cannot be celebrated. Separately from each other. So for me, although I would say that I'm not yet Of the tail of the Michigan gods. I try to remember the death goes together with life and I don't shy away from talking about death and endings with my children. My ancestors walked hand in hand with death and recognize that it was part of the cycle of life and not an evil thing to be avoided or banished. We talk about how everyone dies, how all things pass away and the ways in which it can happen. It feels very strange to calmly say multiple times, yes, everything dies. Mom and dad will die. Someday. Nima will die. It's very sad, but it is also part of life. And it is truly a cold shock when you're three or four year old, looks at you in the eye and says, someday I will die. It is a truth. That is it, but it's a really difficult truth. And I think that the urge to soften and deflect that moment is understandable. I can't imagine a parent who wants to think about the mortality of their child or themselves. But I think that we do our children and ourselves a disservice. If we don't engage with them on this topic. I think this avoidance, uh, I think from this avoidance, we get the frantic worship of youth in our The pursuit of life, lengthening at the cost of a good death and more trauma and confusion that is necessary when beloved pets and relatives die. Absorbing the cultural message of Christianity as we become adults that you will find life everlasting in some exalted heaven. If you profess a certain thing. Feeds the trauma increases strife and keeps us emotionally separated from the other beings on this planet. The secular side of our culture. Doesn't escape my criticism I think that the secular message about death. Is dominated by avoidance and silence. The non-Christian secular message is that spirits don't exist. Our bodies die and we rot and there really seems to be a fear and avoidance of talking. About the sacred exchange of biomass and energy that our Def is the silence or the denial of the sacredness of death and the mystery of Is cold and uncomfort ING. Hopefully when I die, my body will feed worms and bacteria at the roots of trees will twist into my bones and my blood will nourish mushrooms and animals. I will become the nutrients that continue to make life flourish. My body will become and my life will become. The fecund richness of the earth. And I don't know why the poetry of that kind of exchange. Is missing from the secular discussion of death. Nothing in that statement that I just made requires a God. Nothing in that even requires you to believe that a soul exists. Or that the non-human lives on this planet are people worthy of respect too but it does require that we rest the words and the concepts of sacredness from an exclusive purview of christianity within our culture The Christianity most visible in American popular culture and politics is an apocalyptic faith. It's followers are simply waiting on the day that Christ returns and the world is destroyed. Or alternatively. The day when unworthy people are all killed and Christ returns to lead a 1000 year golden age. Either way. There's always a lot of blood and destruction involved. A good portion of Christians in this country are actively hoping that their actions and the actions of their chosen politicians. We'll bring about Armageddon. So when you believe that the best thing is waiting for you after you die and that you have no tire obligation to those who come after you. And that you yourself will never return. And that the thing to be hoped for is the destruction of our life giving planet. How can you care about the preservation of other lives and beings that are other than human? Particularly when your religion also tells you that they are people, that their things are commodities are less than. How can you believe or care in cataclysmic climate change? And things that are going to affect the actual. The actual life of your children and grandchildren, if you believe that the apocalypse is near and that all these things are just signs and you actually want to speed it up. Then it's really difficult to have a conversation around policy that will help the world heal from the impacts of too many people and too much extractive, commodified. Economic growth. And even a kind of version of Christianity that emphasizes good works is really mostly focused on good works and actions toward other people. The underlying message is still one of separation from the earth and the other people we share with Even if the centrality of Christian worship is Of Christ its emphasis is on And the proof of God's power over death. As though death is an obstacle to We removed rather than a gift that makes way for new life. And renewal on this planet. Side note. If you're very interested in going down a rabbit hole, there is a lot of evidence that the Roman cult of Mithras actually strongly influenced the myth of Jesus Christ. Uh, also the theme of death and resurrection is very common in many fertility gods, which also probably influenced the myth of Jesus Christ. And when I say miss, I mean, the story that surrounds the person that they're, there was a historical person who became Jesus Christ. And so i'm just using myth to talk about the miracles and the origin story and all of that that was built up around this person in the bible But Christians take the death and the resurrection of Jesus Christ to be something that only had to happen once. Whereas the death and resurrection and transmutation of fertility gods tends to happen every year. As life dies and is renewed. So how might the season be different for us if we all embraced the idea that while we don't know the time of our deaths, that death is inextricably. And done necessarily a part of the cycle of growth. I am not minimizing at all the terrible grief. The people experience when they lose somebody that they love. I have been fortunate. To have had few losses in my life of people who were close to me. I do understand. That. Death does not always feel like a gift. And I don't want to insult anybody's experience with it. I'm talking about the larger reality of endings and how we reconcile and deal with those endings while living in this world. Death should not be something to be. Only feared or avoided at any cost or hidden away, like some unsightly stain on a rug in our living room. I think that there are ways to look at different faith traditions around the world. And come to some understanding of the ways that others have tried to embrace this truth. That we all end that things end and they die and that new things grow out of that death and that ending Buddhism has Mara nasty mindfulness of death and chorus meditation, where amongst With the dead body. Or a skeleton and meditate on the fact that one's body will be like that body or skeleton. And to interrogate within themselves any unskillful qualities qualities of desire and grasping that remain. In Wicca and many Northern European pagan practices. On or near the 31st people will also hold a dumb supper. With the place lead for the dead, where food is taken in silence. They may use this time to try and contact spirits or ancestors for blessings, magic and other purposes. Every year, I have a personal, a personal promise to myself that this is going to be the year that I put up a proper fit in that, and that I make offerings to my ancestors. And truthfully most years. I can script together the intention. And last year we did a celebration and we had And we And we drink a little tequila and we told stories and we listened to music. And it was wonderful. And it was a really magical feeling. This year, we have a makeshift or friend that because I haven't had time to go and get the right flowers. And I'm still going to light the candles and we're going to talk about stories of the past. And we're going to celebrate our ancestors and tell them that we love them and we appreciate their gifts. I actually do this almost every night with my children. I call on all the well and whole ancestors that stand around us and that guide our steps. And that have loved us and whose choices. And lives and sacrifices have led us to be in the place that we are. And so tomorrow night, we're just going to try and add on a little extra to that. And I, that's how I am taking forth a little bit of my tradition into my new life, with my family. And even if it doesn't feel as fancy and as. Well, not fancy. Fancy is the wrong word. But as intentional as I want it to be, it's still a beginning and it's still a thread that I can. Improve on and I can build on next year or the year after, so maybe as we exit the revelry of Halloween with its plastic gore and candy gluttony. It is worth asking ourselves if we've taken some time and space to solomnly mark the transition of the season. The passing of our loved ones, a change within ourself, the sacrifices of our ancestors and the deaths of the other than human people who share our world. Maybe we can find ways to carry this wisdom about death and loss and transformation into our every day, reminding ourselves that death makes life sweeter, even as it can be bitter that all things end and begin again. So wishing you all the blessings of your ancestors during this season of transition. Phyllis DIA de Los Muertos may the dead feast and drink with you. And here are the stories that you tell of their lives.