Season 6: Expecting More In '24

Could understanding the profound impact of generational trauma change your perspective on managing expectations? This episode of Vision in the Valley takes you through an intimate journey of my childhood, growing up with a schizophrenic mother. I recount how living in a household that suppressed painful truths shaped my aspirations and dreams, leading me to limit my expectations to avoid disappointment. Despite excelling academically, the heavy burden of my family's past kept me from seizing life-changing opportunities. Through this heartfelt narrative, we explore how early experiences influenced my professional approach to managing expectations, contrasting it with the boundless blessings God promises us, as illustrated in Ephesians 3:20.

In the latter part of this episode, we delve into the profound theme of trusting in a higher power for new beginnings, even when born under traumatic circumstances. At 24, I uncovered the painful truth of my conception and its lasting effects, but through faith, I came to see my birth as a divine intervention that ended my mother's suffering. Born in August, a month symbolizing new beginnings, I've embraced this symbolism in my journey of self-acceptance. In 2023, I finally began to fully embrace my identity and look forward to further growth in 2024. Join me as I emphasize the transformative power of faith and resilience, while sharing personal stories and insights that highlight the importance of trusting in God without the constraints of managed expectations.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:08

Welcome back to Vision in the Valley. I am super excited to share a little more of my childhood or my upbringing with you and, with that being said, I want to just jump into it. So, as a child, I learned early on to manage my expectations and if I were asked to share my wish or my dream, you could always guarantee that it would be a small, manageable, obtainable thing, the things that wouldn't cost much in reference to sacrifices, or even money, much in reference to sacrifices, or even money. The things that could likely be accomplished or given to me without impacting others on a high scale, if you will. I guess I learned to protect myself from being disappointed with the results of dreaming too big. My model was give me the simple, give me the easy, give me the obtainable things and we can all go home happy. You know, even things like wanting a healthier mother.

Speaker 1 1:13

I mentioned in the Garments we Adorn episode that I'm a product of rape and that my mother is a schizophrenic. I've talked about generations being wrapped up in the threads of resentment and embarrassment and guilt. You see, my grandmother's ex-boyfriend is my father and it had to have an impact on my grandmother as much as it did on my mother and eventually me. I believe this victimization was a cause of my mother's illness. I believe that growing up in a household where the truth couldn't be discussed was as painful as the trauma of the rape itself. And who knows how many rapes there were Maybe there were several. My mother had been victimized much of her life and now I was being wrapped in the same garment, perhaps using a different color of thread or stitch pattern if you will, but the same fabric of cloth nonetheless, right. I believe that my grandmother continued to be a victim as well, because she must have felt the burden of truth every day of my life, right, and every chaotic experience one witnesses when you're dealing with a mentally ill person who's left untreated. It's that burden, it's that guilt that prevented her from letting me go. She was aware that my mother severely abused me and in hindsight, when I think about my mother and that abuse, I understand that, the anger that was behind that right, that feeling that she must have felt because she's looking at the product of this, of this rape. It robbed her of her youth because she was only 13 when I was born.

Speaker 1 3:08

So my biggest wish, my biggest dream, was that someone, somehow, some way I'd be removed or delivered from this reoccurring nightmare that I was experiencing. I had fantasies that my father would come and just save me. You know, come and find me and save me, not knowing right that he was the very cause of all of this chaos that had happened. And it's just completely ironic that I would be looking for this father. I love my sister and I loved my grandmother, but I always felt that the only way for me to experience peace would be to be absent from my mother. I know that's a lot right, but that's just how bad things were in my household. Now don't get me wrong.

Speaker 1 4:00

I excelled in school and because of that I was introduced to opportunities after opportunities that most kids would never see or know. In fact, because I tested so well in those state mandated tests, I was actually sent for. As pastor would say, they will send for you. I use this term because pastor reminds us that our next will send for us. Our names will be called Well.

Speaker 1 4:28

Beginning in the third grade, my test scores showed that I tested at senior level senior in high school for math and science and language. So the math and science academy in Aurora was opening a new campus with dorms and they wanted me, they were calling for me, they were calling my name, they were sending for me. They tried every year until the seventh grade. I didn't know about this really until the fourth grade, but I was utterly crushed knowing that I had an opportunity to further my education, to be empowered and then to find peace. I would have lived in the dorms on campus. This would have been something that was going to be covered by scholarships, so it wasn't a funding issue for me, right, it was a cloth my grandmother was still wrapped up in. That prevented my second chance.

Speaker 1 5:29

So when it came to expectations, I had none, only those that I could see through to fruition on my own. If I were in charge of it, then I had expectations. If I could manage it, then I had expectations. But anything beyond my own management, I had no expectations. So, yeah, after years of practice, I've become really good at managing my expectations of other people. In fact, I've incorporated that kind of mentality into my work life and I have a process that I teach my staff, no matter where I am. I teach them about how to manage expectations from others, how to manage your expectation from a process or from a system, and it does come in handy because it helps to, like, establish an understanding. Everybody goes into a project understanding what is going to be delivered from it. It helps to provide clarity and, of course, effective communication, but, most importantly, it helps to create realistic goals.

Speaker 1 6:35

So managing expectations is not necessarily a bad thing, especially if we're talking about the regular degular, if we're talking about the work life. But you know, as a Christian who was forever evolving and growing, it's hard not to put on my spiritual cap, avoiding viewing this from a compartmentalized space, but from a holistic space. Right, managing expectations is quite literally the opposite of what God wants from us, the opposite of what God wants from us. At New Life we recite Ephesians 3.20 after we offer our tithes of thanksgiving. Right, this scripture reminds us that God wants to do exceedingly and abundantly above our expectations. God has the ability to do more than what we could ever ask or imagine. In fact, ephesians 3.20, niv, says immeasurably more. Immeasurable means too large or extreme to measure. So how do you manage that? Right? You can't.

Speaker 1 7:49

The Bible teaches us that nothing is impossible to those who believe in christ. I said earlier that managing expectations help us to set realistic goals, right. But what is realistic to us is nothing to god. In luke 18, 27, the thing which is impossible with men are possible with God, and we're again reminded in Isaiah 55 and eight that his thoughts are not our thoughts and our ways not his ways. So when we say managing expectations helps to create realistic goals, we are speaking solely from a human perspective. Right, because what is realistic to God? Everything is possible. So what do you do when everything and anything is possible? How do you speak? How do you look at the world? What do you ask for when there are no restrictions? Restrictions, asking for the immeasurable can seem silly, especially to others, and sometimes it may even seem unrealistic, it can appear extravagant or exceeding what is reasonable or what's necessary. But when you truly believe in your source, you don't hesitate to ask. When you're in this mindset, it's not even really clear to you why others are taken aback by your request, because you are in this space that you believe all things are possible, because if it's available to me and I have access to it, why wouldn't I request it? You following me so far.

Speaker 1 9:30

So I'd happened to catch a clip of a late night talk show I think it was Jimmy Kimmel. It was a few months ago and Kim Kardashian was his guest and they gathered a few fun facts and extreme rumors or whatever, about her life and they were trying to play, I guess, like a little game to dispel or confirm what these extreme rumors were Right. So one of the questions asked was whether or not she warmed her jewelry up before wearing it, and she responded with yes, she does, and the audience. They shared a few laughs and scoffs, and I looked at her face. She had her head tilted a little bit. She genuinely looked surprised as she attempted to explain why she does that. But she had this, you know, this look that's like well, like I don't really get it. What, what are you? What are you laughing at? She was doing a photo shoot wearing a two-piece swimsuit that was made entirely of crystals and she noted that they were cold against her body and she asked that they be warmed up. She since then warms up her jewelry, or even her zippers, before she adorns them.

Speaker 1 10:49

So, yeah, it may seem a bit extreme to us, but she has access to staff that can meet that request. They are her resources and she trusts that whatever she asks of them, whether it be immeasurable or extreme, the request is valid, right, she's bold about what her needs are. She's bold about her asks and, again, she didn't seem to understand from you know, from the audience perspective, why is this a big deal Like? I have the ability to ask this thing, I have these resources available to me. Why shouldn't I ask this?

Speaker 1 11:31

When you're used to having accessibility to something, you move a certain way, you have a certain boldness, a certain expectation. So she has expectation, she is confident that her request will be heard and she speaks boldly regarding what her request or what her need is, speaks boldly regarding what her request or what her need is. Now, this she does with her resources, but we have access to the source. The source is the origin of a thing, where something comes from the point at which something began, right, the alpha. If she can be so bold to request Alpha, if she can be so bold to request from her resources, we should be even bolder as we approach the source. James 4 and 2 says we have not because we ask not, and Hebrews 4, 16 says let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help us in time of need. Wow, so that boldness that she exudes is what Christians should feel like when we're asking, from asking the Lord for help for our requests. Right, and I say Christians because from a Christian standpoint, you're asking boldly for for those things that would be, you know, used to glorify the Lord, even as huge or immeasurable as they could seem. Right, because, as a Christian, that's your focus point. So you're not asking boldly to have jewelry warmed up, because that doesn't feed necessarily the Christian life. But you're following me, I know you are Right. So our request may not be to warm jewelry, but to warm the hearts of man. It could be a request to be freed from a restrictive grave clothes and mindsets. Right, I never made it to Aurora, where the math and science academy was, as a student, but my beau surprised me with a visit to the campus a couple of months ago.

Speaker 1 13:45

I had the chance to see the dorms I would have lived in and I took a few pictures in front of the sign. I know he knew he was gifting me. Right, I know he knew that because we talked about it. But I wonder if he knew that God was sending a message through him saying you are no longer managing expectations. I wonder if he knew he was pulling another thread right, unraveling another layer of grave clothes for me.

Speaker 1 14:17

So early on, the enemy tried to rob me, tried to hold me captive. How can I say this? It's like I came into the world under tough circumstances and that alone could have been crippling. So God counters it by gifting me with a love for learning and the enemy said you know what? No, I want to prevent her from going to high school from the third grade. That would be great, but let me, let me do this, and the Lord allowed it.

Trusting God for New Beginnings

Speaker 1 14:47

That left me feeling robbed and I thought it was only about that one thing On the surface. It was about being restricted to go further, being denied the opportunity for growth, especially during that difficult time in my life. Right, but that was just superficial, it was shallow. The enemy was actually creating in me something much bigger. What was growing from that experience of managing my expectations would later minimize my asks, even my boldness, when I approached the throne of grace. That's huge. Right, the robbery, if you will, had created a protection zone in my mind, had created a protection zone in my mind, but spiritually it was a prison, and the prison limited what I could really believe. God for Now. I believe for everyone else, everyone around me, but for myself. I believe that he would bless me, but there would always be a ceiling.

Speaker 1 15:51

After I wrote this episode, I went back to read it before preparing to record, and the Lord is just amazing. I was again blessed, you see, even though I was a bit more mature, at 24, when I learned how I was conceived, but it still left some residuals. Today, the Lord told me that had it not been for the conception, my father would have been allowed to continue to rape my mother and to mishandle her, but God allowed the truth to be unveiled in the form of pregnancy, thereby ending his hold on my mother, at least his physical hold on my mother. So this horrible act was coming to an end, was being concluded, that part of her journey would be over, and I was born in August, the eighth month, representing new beginnings, wow, wow. So in 2023, I began to really wear me, and in 2024, I'm expecting more. When you sit in this seat, there's no room to manage expectations. I'm just trusting the source. Have a great day and I can't wait to talk to you soon.