Season 6: Testimony...Trusted Pour

What happens when your body seems to rebel against you, leaving you grappling with fatigue and brain fog while striving to fulfill your purpose? This episode of Vision in the Valley takes you on a personal journey through a health crisis that challenges the essence of creativity and professional life. As late 2024 unfolds with events like the community engagement exhibit and the transformative "Fall in Love with Your Purpose" initiative, the narrative shifts to the intimate battle between maintaining faith and navigating the harsh reality of feeling trapped in one's own body. Reflecting on the story of Job and inspired by a profound dream, we explore the delicate balance of relinquishing control and trusting a higher plan amidst overwhelming trials.

Through the metaphor of being a vessel, we delve into the concept of embracing imperfections while remaining committed to sharing our unique stories. Despite feeling damaged or worn, there's a powerful reminder that each testimony holds value and significance. My son's simple yet profound advice to "just plan to be well" acts as a beacon of hope, encapsulating the determination to persevere through uncertainty. This episode invites listeners to discover the strength found in vulnerability, the wisdom of trust, and the courage to continue pouring out one's truth.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:03

Welcome back to Vision in the Valley. Oh gosh, I feel like I need to start this episode out with Dear Diary. So much has happened since the last time we connected and I've got so much to share with you. Let me think there was the installation of the community engagement exhibit. That was just a dream of Pastor Hannah's and I was blessed to be one of the midwives on call for delivery right. And then there was the first fall in love with your purpose event and then the first alignment period pop-up opportunity.

Speaker 1 0:42

All these things happened in the last quarter of 2024. That was a year of expectation for New Life Covenant Southeast, and I took that declaration very personally. In fact, the last quarter just alone was pretty incredible for me. I was so busy that the last episode was recorded in early October. I not had a chance to get back and chat with you. I was running around so much and deadline after deadline was competing for my attention and I could feel the pull right. But I also believe that I was very much in alignment with my purpose. So I just, I just kept pushing and as I prepared for the pop up in November, I realized that the job was incredibly difficult alone. But again I just I just kept pushing. I recalled not feeling well or not feeling my best, like leading up to that event, but I thought that, you know, I bounced back after I got some rest. So again, I just kept pushing, because this was a regular thing for me and you've heard me talk about this before how I work and then I'd be sick for a while and and I kind of bounced back and I just figured I'd have to keep pushing until God revealed my help. The days before the fall in love with your purpose event, I'd noticed that my hair was thinning, but I didn't have time to worry about it and I I was going to the salon every Saturday, like I said, and so I just figured whatever was happening, it would bounce back Right. It wasn't until I saw patches in my hair that I truly became alarmed, and during this time, work had become increasingly difficult and all I could do was think about getting to the holiday. If I could just get to the holiday, I could take some time off and I could restore myself, so to speak. My holiday was used to prep for the online store build. It was used to lay out the brick and mortar store that Lisa and I are building to help women that need assistance, and it was used to prep for the sale of the alignment period apparel Family.

Speaker 1 3:20

When I tell you, I made it through the pop-up. It was beautiful and I was very thankful to be there, but I did not leave the house for five days after the event, and when I did leave, I was going to see the doctor. I was extremely fatigued and I was experiencing crazy, crazy brain fog. My heart was racing, my joints were all swollen and achy and my head was throbbing, like throbbing the top of my head, the side of my head. I just felt miserable. The only thing that saved me from thinking that I was dying was that I believe God has a plan for me. He has more planned for me, right, and I'm just now seeing the glimpse of that. And so this, this, cannot end that way. It was frightening, and I did this alone, and I think that probably was the most frightening part.

Speaker 1 4:21

In one month, I had my blood levels checked and rechecked so many times. New tests were ordered based on the blood counts, and every time I'd get a result. It was just crazy alarming. I'd seen the primary doctor, the dermatologist, the pulmonologist, the gastroenterologist and the rheumatologist all in December. It was too much y'all. But the devil is a liar. The waiting for the results is just crazy right. And we love to self-diagnose and we do this mostly because the waiting is crazy right and we want to have some idea. We need something to tell us the reasons behind what we're feeling or how we're feeling, or why we're feeling the way we're feeling, and meanwhile I'm trying to keep this for my kids while I deal with it myself.

Speaker 1 5:17

I was in bed on Christmas and I managed to visit with my family on Christmas Eve, but for the most part all of December I was unable to work, visit with friends or even get out to go to church. I had the support of my bosses, which I'm so thankful for, and my staff was fantastic in my absence and I had friends checking on me and I'm truly grateful for that. I was still unwell, and not myself, but I was well enough, if you will, to return to work in January and I had a conversation with one of my mentors and I finally felt heard. She said she knew what I was feeling, right, and she said that the worst part of going through any of this the testing and the feeling bad and having obligations with work and family and whatever else you do. The worst part is that you begin to feel depressed because you're not you and I thought, oh my gosh, that's it. I couldn't do the Quan and it was depressing me.

Speaker 1 6:33

I don't do depression, I'm upbeat, I'm positive, I can find a song in anything and I can offer praise for any situation. So what's going on for any situation? So what's going on? Like I said, I had not been myself, and at this point it's two months, and this feeling of not feeling well or not feeling myself like it must flee. It's not me, this is not my life. I've been complaining about the lack of energy for years. Right, but this is not the same thing. This is far worse.

Speaker 1 7:07

So I'm asking the Lord for words to say, because it's important to me that you understand that this is not about a lack of faith. Faith is all I have. This is about feeling imprisoned in my own body. You see, I'm what some would call an overachiever and I'll be honest with you, I don't quite understand the phrase overachiever, because I don't do anything, because I want it to be overly done. I just want to be my best, I want to do it the best I can. Whatever it is that I'm doing, it's not overachieving to me, it's just doing what I know I can do. I don't compare myself to anyone else. I don't want to do a thing better than Sheila or Sue, I just want to do it the best that I can do. So, where someone else will do one thing, I multitask five things, and when I say five things I mean down to the detail of all five things. That's just my way. That's natural for me, and in the last three years or so I feel like I've been multitasking eight things or so. I felt the pressure and I've shared it with you throughout this movement, but even then it's not like I feel like I'm being overzealous, I just feel like I'm doing what I've been called to do.

Speaker 1 8:30

So when fatigue, extreme fatigue, and then the pain and the brain fogginess, when all of that set in and the hair loss gosh, that just complicates things. Right, because I know that I'm moving in my purpose, what is all this other nonsense? I can push through pain, but I couldn't push through like the brain fog and the sheer exhaustion the creative side couldn't create and I couldn't speak to the chaos that I talked about before in earlier episodes. Nothing was making sense and and even now I'm struggling to put those you know pieces together all I know is that my body was betraying me, right and, and worse, count on my brain to do some things. So how do you express that to someone without making them think you've lost faith or thinking that I'm complaining? You know, I wasn't being heard by the folks I shared it with, because I wasn't really sharing the details or how I was actually feeling, because I didn't want to sound like I was complaining.

Speaker 1 9:49

My physical appearance took a hit too. I'm so thankful that my hair is starting to grow back, but, mind you, it's going back gray, but that's okay, it's still coming back. But I look like what I've been through. I feel like I've aged so so much Like maybe in two months I've aged five, six years. My eyes are not as bright. Again, my face looks aged. The wig is not giving me Kwan. You know it's different when you choose to wear a wig versus when you need to wear a wig. So not only do I not feel like me, but I no longer look like me. Interesting right.

Speaker 1 10:34

So I thought about Job and all that he went through, even when his health had failed. He didn't blame God. It made me monitor my words even more so than I normally do, because there are many things we can't understand about what God allows, but we can be sure that nothing happens without God's permission and, whatever it is, it's always for our betterment. God knew he could trust Job with his test, right? I believe that I'm also being tested and I believe that he is trusting me with this testimony, trusting me to share it, to express it and to glorify him even in the midst of it. So what in the world happened, right? What is all the specialists and blood tests and what's that all about? Well, the doctors were basically checking for signs of an autoimmune disease for signs of an autoimmune disease, and in these cases, your body is protecting itself from itself, basically. So my body is fighting me just sheer betrayal.

Speaker 1 11:46

The fascinating thing about this is that I had a dream a while back. I was levitating and I could see myself in distress and I looked down and I watched myself in a fight with no one else and it alarmed me. I'm watching my body like moving and it's moving and you could tell it's distress, but there's nobody particular felt crazy, right, but I was compelled to share it in the end because I just needed to talk through it. It was alarming for me and, like I said, even though I have dreams that throw me off like that sometimes, I realized that it was so different that it must mean something, and I thought about the scripture that tells us about Jacob wrestling with the man all night in Genesis 32, 24 through 29. I thought about it and I didn't see anyone in my dream. It was just me. So I was like that's not the same right, I just dismissed it. I didn't want to dwell on it because I didn't have enough information, if you will, and because I made a commitment to do anything for his glory, and I mean that I believe I was already proving that in the choices that I made in my career and in my personal life and in my choice to serve, even when I was tired. So it didn't seem right that I would be wrestling with God, or wrestling with an angel, so to speak.

Speaker 1 13:49

So many months have passed since that dream, but I can. I can recall it very clearly because, like I said, it was one of the ones that alarmed me, and so I had plans actually to talk to you about something different in this last episode of season six. I wanted to wrap up with another topic, but I had to go back and rewrite this episode because I want to make sure that I get everything God has intended for me, every lesson, and I want to make sure that I don't dismiss things, because at the time that I wrote it I didn't quite understand what that dream was. But now, being in the space that I am in and not feeling like myself, I can no longer dismiss that wrestling dream. I believe the wrestling with myself is indicative of my body fighting itself in the natural sense. Right, that's strong. But I also believe God wants less of me and more of him, especially in this juncture in my journey. Now, that's true period, right.

Speaker 1 15:01

But I thought I had that balance, I'm going to say especially in this juncture, because I know he's steering me in more territory. If you will, I depended on my plans and my strength to fulfill his purpose for me and I started to stumble because it's bigger than I can do alone. It's bigger than me, much bigger. I need strength, much bigger than me. So I've said this to you before I'm a planner and that means I'm used to a certain amount of control.

Speaker 1 15:38

So I recently toured the jewelry manufacturing site. It was so exciting and I signed on with a studio for my video content and I met with my creative director and I was freaking out a bit and I told my oldest son, warren, about my fear about planning these episodes with guests and having finances attached to it, and my reputation and the uncertainty of being well, maybe I wouldn't be able to be present on a scheduled date. And it means a lot that I recognize other people's commitment to it, their time and their energy and the dollars that are being supported by this. And so he said just plan to be well. And I laughed because it's a lovely statement, right, and you can really dive into that. Just plan to be well.

Speaker 1 16:35

But the fact is that he meant do less, like the days before leading up to those video content days, so that I'd have energy for that. Right. But if it were that easy, I wouldn't be talking to you right now. I just I would just rearrange my schedule, my life, and that would be the end of it. But the truth is that the days at the hospitals are far from the usual and there's nothing predictable about how I spend my day at work, and the other part of that is that I've seen myself like over the weekends especially, doing absolutely nothing the day before so that I can make sure that I'm good the following day, and I still may not have the drive or the energy to get up and do the thing I need to do. It's very unpredictable. The unknown thing is probably the thing that's tying me down the most, at least in these early days. It's a planner's worst nightmare.

Speaker 1 17:38

I want to be sure that I receive everything God intended in this lesson, in this test, and, more than anything, I'm hearing him say release, control and know that I am God. Stop worrying, because this is too big, even for you, quan. Like you've done you've done okay for the last past levels, right, but this new graduation, you're going to need to learn how to lean on me and on my strength much more than you did before, much more than you may even be comfortable with. It's like you're saying, quan, you need to shift that weight back to me. You're trying to carry more than you're physically able to carry. You can't.

Speaker 1 18:21

He said I've stripped you before of things just to get your attention, and now I'm stripping you of you, your health, your energy and even your thoughts. I'm stripping you. I want less of you and more of me. Are you really complaining about forgetfulness and that you can't form the words and the thoughts as swiftly as you used to? Can't you see that I'm making room for me and removing you? He said I'll supplement you with my strength, my thoughts, my ways and your thoughts about how soon things should move or who should be helping you to move them along. It's getting in the way. It's just getting in the way. It's just getting in the way. So go, sit down. As a matter of fact, lie down. You go and get some real good rest. That's good, because that's how I felt. I was on my back, you guys on my back.

Speaker 1 19:20

The exhaustion that poured over my body was, you know, if you had COVID, that exhaustion where you feel like, oh, I, just, I can't move, that you knew that it was because of this um thing that was happening to you, and you may have experienced it throughout the, the entire time that you were ill, with COVID, for example, or some people only, uh, experience it for a certain part like the end part. Experience it for a certain part like the end part. It was that kind of exhaustion, but it lasted for the entire month of December. It started with the end of November, the entire month of December and the first week of January. Like I could be sitting in the chair and just be exhausted. I couldn't do anything.

Speaker 1 20:07

See, leaning on his strength means less worry for me, and it also means less stress, and a lot of autoimmune diseases are triggered from stress. I was worried, or, as I like to say, concerned about everything. But the same way he allowed me to start a podcast in my dressing room that eventually reached over nine countries and over a hundred cities with no social media presence, is the same way he'll take the businesses to the market. So worry for what, be concerned for what? He's preparing me for a larger stage with a greater responsibility, and my natural strength just won't be enough. I am so thankful that he's dealing with me now. It was like God was saying so you say you'll do anything for my glory, huh. You say you'll be a vessel that I can use, huh.

Trusted to Pour

Speaker 1 21:07

Well, a vessel doesn't choose what it contains or holds. The master chooses that he can pour or store whatever he likes in that vessel. The vessels pour into the need, like water pouring out to nurture plants. A vessel cannot decide its use, but is content with being used for its purpose. Right, that's good. The vessel's only responsibility is to be ready to be filled so that it may pour again.

Speaker 1 21:45

What am I saying? I am just a vessel, we are just vessels and our commitment to be available to pour is the only thing we need be concerned with. The vessel that is worn and chipped can still be trusted to pour. I, you, me. We're damaged, we're tired, we're overwhelmed, we're tested, but can we still be trusted to pour? I want to be trusted to pour, even in my damaged state. Keep pouring, regardless of whether you are damaged, weathered, chipped or worn. God's got plans for you. You are the vessel and your testimony is the poor. Our testimony is about what we know, what we've experienced, what we've seen with our own eyes. No one can pour like you. Can he trust you with your poor? I can't wait to talk with you soon.