292: How A Chance Encounter With Alpacas Changed Michelle Hamilton’s Life & Helped Her Find Joy Again

Michelle Hamilton lives on a farm in Central Queensland with her husband Pete and son Wiley. Growing up on the land, she thought she was ready for rural life — but motherhood brought challenges she never saw coming including post natal depression. But Michelle’s turning point came unexpectedly at a local agricultural show, where she encountered alpacas! What began as a simple encounter grew into something much bigger. Breeding alpacas and growing her business helped Michelle rediscover purpose, energy and connection, and re-engage with motherhood, her family and herself. Then a near-fatal farming accident involving her husband forced their family to pause and rethink what truly mattered, including their marriage.Today, with more joy, a paddock full of alpacas, and a clearer perspective, Michelle is living life very differently.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This episode of Motherland is proudly brought to you by Cable. We're so excited to welcome them back as a sponsor for another season and to share a little bit about what they've been working on. Cable has unveiled exquisite new arrivals from their Heritage 365 collection. A considered year-round wardrobe crafted from luxurious 100% Australian merino wool. These are heirloom quality pieces made to be worn, cherished, and returned to season after season. This latest drop is available in cable stores and online now. A huge thank you to Cable for supporting Motherland and for championing women and families in rural Australia. And Motherland is also proud to partner with Hogan's Family Jewellers, a family-owned business celebrating over 80 years of craftsmanship. For generations, Hogan's has helped mark life's most meaningful moments, from engagements and anniversaries to personal milestones that deserve to be remembered. Each piece is thoughtfully designed and expertly crafted, blending traditional techniques with timeless style. Their jewellery is created with heart, intention, and a deep understanding of legacy. Hogan's continues to create pieces that tell stories, honour moments, and are treasured for years to come. Shop their collection of ready-to-wear jewelry now online or in store at 241 Margaret Street, Toowoomba. Hi, I'm Stephanie Trithewey, the founder of Motherland, a national charity that supports rural mums across Australia. Welcome to the Motherland Podcast, where each week I share with you real and raw stories of motherhood told by women on the land. I certainly didn't expect to be widowed twice by age 51.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

I was so scared when he was born. I felt so alone. And I remember sobbing to her as I just said, what have I done?

SPEAKER_01 2:10

It's a wild roller coaster we're all on. So no matter where you live or what you do, remember we're in this together and you're not alone. So what's it like to raise kids on the land? This is Motherland. Michelle Hamilton lives on a farm in central Queensland with her husband Pete and son Wiley. Growing up on the land, she thought she was ready for rural life, but motherhood brought challenges she never saw coming, including postnatal depression, which hit her hard. But Michelle's turning point came unexpectedly at a local ag show where she encountered alpacas.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

I was always intrigued by them. So I just went over and I started talking and talking and talking and I was asking questions and it was just, it was all bubbling out of me. I don't know. I just lit up that day.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

What began as a simple encounter grew into something much, much bigger. Breeding alpacas and growing her business helped Michelle rediscover purpose, energy, and connection and re-engage with motherhood, her family, and herself. Then a near-fatal farming accident involving her husband forced their family to pause and rethink what truly mattered, including their marriage. Today, with more joy, a paddock full of alpacas, and a clearer perspective, Michelle is living life very differently to those early years as a new mum. This is her story. Michelle, welcome to Motherland.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

Hi, thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Thank you for doing this. I sprung it on you. I gave you a call. You were holidaying in Tassie, near me, probably, and enjoying some time off before I pestered you. So thank you for um for saying yes. You had a good time in Tassie.

SPEAKER_00 4:09

Oh, had the best time. Desless I didn't want to come home. It was wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 4:14

Um, and so speaking of home, good place to start. Introduce yourself. Tell everyone a bit about yourself, where you live, what you do, your beautiful family.

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Okay. Well, my name's Michelle Hamilton, and I live in the Central Highlands of Central Queensland in a little community called Springshore. Um fantastic little community. I have my husband and my 16-year-old son. Uh we actually don't own the farm that we live on, we manage it. We've been here for coming up to 16, um, uh no, sorry, not 16, 14 years, uh, 15 years this year. So um it's we it's home for us. So uh we actually um are an arable farm, so we grow wheat and chickpea. Um we also have uh we actually have some cattle of our own here, and I have alpacas, which keeps me very busy as well.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Uh I'm excited to get to the alpaca love story at some point in in the future. But um, I guess for you, can you take us through where's home? Like where did you grow up?

SPEAKER_00 5:23

Well, I was actually born in Springshore, however, um not long after I was born, my family moved to Upent. So I went over to the coast, so not too far away and grew up on the coast, but always came back out to Springshore um onto uh like family farms and was always out and amongst um all the rural settings is um what my parents love to bring us kids back to. Um and then we I think I was about 12, we moved back to Springshore, and I've sort of been around Sprinkshaw sort of ever since I was uh 12, yeah, on and off. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

And your teen years, like those years of schooling and beyond, you know, what were those years like for you and and like what did you want to do after school?

SPEAKER_00 6:12

Well, I guess um most of my schooling, being teenager, all I wanted to be was outside. Um, you know, I'd be I'd be the one daydreaming and looking out the window and thinking, I just want to be out riding my horse, um, you know, exploring and whatnot. Um I I wouldn't say I was overly academic, um, but when I suppose I got more academic as I got a little older and I was able to focus a little bit better. Um, but I actually left school halfway through grade 11. Um, I used to take the bus from Springshore to Emerald. And it, you know, it's a long trip. It's almost an hour in the morning, an hour in the afternoon. And, you know, back then there was, it didn't usually have a lot of air conditioning and buses. So, you know, there's a lot more creature comforts these days. Um, but I was more than happy to um to leave school uh and I went working on a property at Comet actually when I first left school and I was there um for a good little while. I actually did a driving trip, which actually I think was probably one of the best experiences of my life. Um when I was only, yeah, I was 16 at the time, so same age as what my son is now. And I tell you what, I don't think I could picture him doing that at the moment. But why not? Why not? Oh, you know, as I said, creature comforts, I think they're um uh kids these days are a little softer, I think. Well, you know, most of them, not not all of them, but definitely my son is. He he likes his air conditioning and and um yeah, being indoors. But uh yeah, so I I started working in rural farms and I was gillaroo from you know from about 16 onwards and carried right through um into my 20s as well. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:04

And gillarooing, obviously, you know, a huge passion for farm life, rural Australia. What was the plan? How long did you do that for? Like take us through your, I guess, late teens, early 20s.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Um, okay, so where was I? About well, as I said, I was at in comet. I was probably there for about six months. Um and on and off, sort of there. It wasn't it wasn't full-time work, but I I lived still lived in Springshaw at my dad's place, and it was just in town of Springshaw, and I used to travel um to go to work, which I actually hadn't didn't have my licence then. So I had to my, you know, I had to um call on family and friends and to drop me off and pick me up, and um I guess I carried on with that probably until my late teens. I I ended up down and around Taroom for a um a few a few years down there, um living with a fellow down there. You know, relationships will take you just about anywhere. Um and I was probably there until about 22. Oh, that's this timeline's really testing my memory now. Um it might be it mightn't be exact, but I'll give it a crack. Um but then yeah, so that after that relationship dissolved, I actually went uh moved to Rockhampton and I was living there for a little while, but I I worked in the meatworks up there. So I, you know, still around cattle, I guess, but you know, hard physical labour, it's pretty much what I was good at. I knew I was good at and good at working long hours and um yeah, you know, just get on with it. And and I think I was there till I was about just before I turned 24, I think. And after I left there, I actually um started working as a tour guide on a farm stay in Billawheeler. And um there we used to take uh the tourists on four-wheel drive tours and take them out mustering and overnight campouts, and it is actually there where I met my husband.

SPEAKER_01 10:20

Um was he a guest? Or like how did you meet? Oh, he was.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

Well, no, he wasn't exactly a guest. He was actually he was a backpack of he came looking for work. Uh he's English. And he had been over enjoying enjoying Australia, and then he um he actually came looking for work because his funds were depleted, and they have um Youth Hostel Australia, and you could go and you know, they could base yourself in those places, I think, um, for cheap accommodation. And there was one, the farm stay I was on actually was a youth hostel um Australia as well. It offered all sorts of things. Um but they didn't actually have any work for him on the farm there. However, he was able to have his accommodation there, and he found work um just down the road um at a Herb farm, I believe, if I remember that right, and a few other places. But he he also helped on the farm um on the farm state as well. He would uh drive the yewte out to um the overnight campouts when I would do them. He would bring the food out if I was out on the horses and um bringing the guests in for the night. So yeah, so he would do that and he would also do fencing and other odd jobs around to pay um for him his accommodation there.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

So And so how did that relationship blossom? Was it love at first sight? Like how how did that all come come to be?

SPEAKER_00 11:47

Oh, it was there was a whole heap of internationals working there, so we're all really good friends for for a good while before anything sort of blossomed. Um he was there for a couple of months and I don't know, he just he was very, you know, he's a lovely bloke. So he's he's very, very personable, and um I took a shine to him, I think, as well, maybe because he was English and something a little bit different to all these Ocker Aussies um out in the bush. So um he yeah, he was he he was only there for a few months and then he um he ended up going uh leaving and and heading home, but we we you know obviously stayed in touch. It it we just started to hit it off just before he left, and I had planned on going to England and he sort of just sealed the deal for that. So I um up stumps and went and to live in England, go and work over there in um agriculture and wherever I could find work. I even I ended up working in a pub over there actually, um, and worked with horses uh a fair bit. So didn't get to do as much travelling overseas as I would have liked. However, you know, it was still um around outdoorsy, outdoorsy stuff, which is you know my forte. So um we were together six months. He proposed, I accepted. Twelve months later we were married over in England. Um yeah. Don't muck a bit. And no, and uh a little uh was probably two and a half years, uh then we decided to come back to Australia for a visit. He met all my family, and my family loved him, offered him a job, and so and it was exactly what we were after. Came with a house and you know, access to have um a horse or two and a few other, you know, things, and being being rural was exactly what we wanted to do. So um, and of course he hadn't met my dad, so I had to bring him home to meet my dad.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Um that's one that's one way to ensure your daughter doesn't move to England is offer the bloke a job. Because someone's someone's got a compromise, right?

SPEAKER_00 14:07

One of you had to had to move. Yes, yeah. So um yeah, so there I we came home and um we're on sort of um on that place for about four years. And then in that time um we had our son um Wiley, he uh when was he born? 2009, um and that's when um yeah, I sort of sort of things started going south a little bit for me after that. It when I say going south, I think a lot of it looking back, you know, older and wiser, um it's more of it's more of me being my own worst enemy in some respects and and a little bit naive about what motherhood um in entailed as well. Um I was fiercely independent and it was one of those things that I think that sort of stood up and slapped me in the face. It's like no, you you you gotta stop thinking of yourself now. This is this is this little person, this little being, um, needs you. And I struggled with that a lot, and um where we were staying, we weren't exactly super rural, but I think in a lot of respects I isolated myself without really knowing it and um being quite headstrong. There was not a lot of people who could sort of talk me around or talk me through it. So um it was probably uh two years into that, um, into when yeah, I think it was Wally turned two. And my mum was starting to really worry, even Pete was starting to worry. He was he was not wanting to go to work of a morning because he was fearful of my mental health and where I was. And um, you know, there was I look back now, I think I don't I really don't think I would have gone and done anything um drastic, but I I really needed help and I was fighting that issue um to go and get help um very, very hard on myself. You you know, you should be able to cope, you should be able to do this, that, and the other. You should have a bond with your baby. Um you should be able to work outside and do everything inside and um yeah, so that that was when I went and got help. I I finally went to a um a doctor and as soon as I walked in I broke down in tears and she was she was a beautiful doctor, and um I I myself then didn't really realize how much I needed that help until that moment.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

Yeah, thank God you thank God you got that help um when you did. Was there a moment, was there a tipping point where you were like, oh wow, like I do need help? And how are you feeling? Because we hear people struggle with you know postnatal depression, and it's different for everyone, but like how was it manifesting and affecting your everyday life? And was there a moment when you're like, no, this is too much?

SPEAKER_00 17:35

I just I just felt I was losing joy in everything, you know, little things. Um, I would take pride in the house, I would, you know, take pride in my appearance. Um I I you know, I didn't want to play with my son, I didn't want to do washing, I didn't, you know, anything, anything that would, you know, need to be done. Um, I think I was just I yeah, I just couldn't. I don't know if there was an actual tipping point as such. It really built and built and built. And um I held that for a long time before I just said, no, you just you need to stop. I, you know, looking at myself in a mirror, and I I can remember doing it once, and I had Wiley at my feet, and I just looked at myself and I remember walking away from my image because I didn't even want to look at myself because I knew that I was not meeting standards. So, you know, I this is this is where I was. I was so hard on myself, and if you know, if I could go back now, all I'd do is give myself a hug, you know, and say, hey, come on, it's okay, we got this, you know, and and just try and take the steps from there. Because I think I think as rural women, um as I guess it's in and every industry as well, you know, where we're sort of we're just testing our footing, no matter where we're going, you know, men have got this pathway and it's it's sort of it's well it seems quite simple for them to, you know, go forward, they work hard, they they provide, you know, as in a rural area, that um the men are stronger, they go out and do the work and um they provide for their families, and it's more of a traditional value thing in our family. So I buttered heads with that tradition as well because I wanted to be out there working. And when I was like, yep, I can do this baby thing, I can do this, you know, it won't change anything. And I think it was just a build-up, a complete and utter buildup of um me not having the faith in myself that to say it's okay to get help. And I guess I was a little bit um probably not so knowing either of what sort of help was out there at the time. Um I would read books and you know things like that, but I wouldn't I was never really a worldly person either. So um I I didn't really know what the first steps were to take and how I was to take them. What do I say? How do I say to a doctor, I'm not coping, and you think, oh, that sounds that sounds pretty pathetic. What are they gonna think of me? So I was judging myself before I even got there. So and yeah, so and these are the things, you know, now and I look back and think, oh what you know, older and wiser and and even having you know that input. But you gotta understand, I pushed a lot of people away as well because I didn't I didn't want any hands that were extended because I thought, no, I've got to do this myself. I've got to do this myself, you know. I I can't be seen to be weak or um not coping or you know, you know, I'm a strong, independent. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

Where did you think where do you think that pressure came from? Is that is that conditioning, upbringing, is that just you, like the idea that you could not uh accept help, ask for help, or be anything but tough?

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Well, it's a very good question. Um look, my my parents were loving. My mum is very nurturing, um, so it definitely didn't come from there. Um I had two older brothers, um, and they're you know, one is a very gentle soul, um, the others he's Very hardworking as well. And I guess I wanted to be like that and be seen to be not a female who has to be, you know, relying on somebody. I want to do this myself. And I enjoyed um, you know, working and feeling like I'd done a day's work. It's like, yeah, I did that. You know, I I didn't need to ask for help. I could accomplish that myself. Um so a lot of it, I believe, just came from me being a little bit headstrong and you know, just independent. And yeah, I think I always was from a young age. So I think a lot of it was just just me personally. I there were, I guess there were a couple of little outside influences that I took on as well when Wiley was first born. Um I I didn't see myself bonding with him like I thought I should have. Um and there I had, you know, you'd get comments from other mums, whether they they meant it or not. Um, you know, it's like, oh, you know, you well, you're not the first woman to be, you know, to have a baby, or you're, you know, there's a lot of other people who cope with this, you know, and you hear those little comments and I fixated on those. And, you know, whether that's a bit of ADHD brain, it probably is, you know, you get a bit of fixation on things. Um, so who knows? You know, I as I said, I think it's probably a lot of a build-up with stuff and um expecting a lot of myself when I really, you know, needed to be kinder to myself. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

Yeah. And and I mean, look, given all of that, you still finally it might have taken longer than than you needed, but you finally got some help. What was that like? Because everyone's journey is different and it's not an overnight fix, but how did you find that journey getting that mental health support?

SPEAKER_00 24:07

Oh, look, it was, I do remember when I when I went to the doctor and um and I broke down crying with her, and and she was so lovely. She was just she was just this empathetic, compassionate woman. And it wasn't just a doctor in that moment, it was woman to woman. And she was a mum and you know, a working mum and understanding the pressures and that we put ourselves under. Um and she gave me a hug, and it just I I really remember feeling okay, this is this is good, some this is gonna help me. This is I I feel like I've done the right thing. And I think she put me on medication on um a low antidepressant, and which I was on for a lot of years, and I think um a lot of it was probably um a lot of changing my mindset as well as trying to get a bit of more of an idea of what else I could do. But I didn't figure that out for a while either. And I'll um unfortunately, even though the doctor she was great, I found I found the antidepressants, even though they worked, I found them doing other things to me. So there were side effects that you don't really realize until further on down the track. You gain weight, so therein, you know, lies the um the pressure of looking at your appearance and you know, all that type of thing as being a woman. Um and my immune system was starting to take a little bit of a hit as well. I would get cold sores and that would last for weeks. And, you know, I didn't realize that this was all part of this antidepressant tablet. And look, don't get me wrong, those tablets, they they served a purpose in the time, in the moment. Um and they definitely helped sort of they just lifted the fog a little bit. I mean, it it didn't get rid of those emotions. They were still there, but they weren't as close and they weren't as suffocating. So I was able to sort of think a little bit clearer about um the journey and where I was going from there.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

And your journey, um, I guess to getting support, getting better was multifaceted. It wasn't just one thing, it wasn't just a psychologist, it was lots of things that you've had to do over the years. Interestingly, can you tell us how alpacas are connected to your mental health? Because it's a really beautiful story.

SPEAKER_00 26:49

They they were really um even now when I look back, I I go, wow, you know, there was a real turning point. You know, I it was almost like Michelle was in darkness and then she was in light, you know, because and right in the center is when I met Al Packard. So um, I guess as well, because I was very much an outdoorsy person, um, and the farm we were on at the time, um, it was it was only for for Pete to work. So there was no work for me, um, apart from you know, looking after the house and the gardening, and and look, I I did that for so long. I'm like, oh, I started to twitch. I need to go and do something else. I need something for me. And I was um I was right into horses. Um I did, you know, a lot of training horses and whatnot as well. And when I was in my darkness, darkest days, I just felt I couldn't go out and do that. I didn't have someone to look after Wiley, you know, my my support network was was not there. Um so I wasn't interested in sheep or goats, um, had been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and I'm like, no, thank you. Not again. Um and I was actually, Wiley was, I reckon he was probably 18 months old. And we were at an agricultural show, a farm day, um, a local one here at Emerald Core Aggro, and it was uh the turning point for me. Um I was walking around with his Pram and I saw these alpacas, and I'd always seen them. Now, this is funny, I've I actually I was listening to one of your podcasts the other day, and um and there was a reference to one of the girls uh they spoke about McLeod's daughters. And I'm like, oh my goodness, I think we've all been there. We we all it doesn't matter how rural or whatever, when McLeod's daughters came on, you're like, oh, that was really cool. I want to be there. I wanted to be that, you know, in amongst all these women and working and doing all that, even though, you know, we all know it was a little bit stretched truth of it. But on there, they had alpacas. And I remembered that, and I was like, oh, I was always intrigued by them. So I just went over and I started talking and talking and talking and I was asking questions, and it was just it was all bubbling out of me. And the lady who was there, I was talking to, who I'm still friends with today, and I was saying to her, can I come in? Can I get a feel of this? And it was, I don't know, I just lit up that day, and I I think I left there was armed with all this information, and I went and I sat down at this coffee place for lunch with my husband. A heap, everyone else was sort of gathered around, and everyone was chatting, and I said, Do you know what, guys? I'm gonna breed our packers. And I tell you what, you everyone was silent, you can hear crickets chirping that they was that silent. People like you know, why? What what, you know, oh my god, you know, and then everyone's like didn't really know what to say to that. And I just sat there and I was like, yeah, no, this is what I'm gonna do. And you know, they're they're quite expensive to get into then. They were even more expensive back in the day, like silly. But now they're you know, it's so affordable. But back then, and I was like, oh, you know, we didn't have a lot of money behind us, and and so, you know, I had I put out a payment plan and I started all this, and I really started getting my goals together, although I just wanted a couple of animals just to sate that appetite that they were there. And I would just take a chair, I would go out and I would sit with Wiley, he would just play in the dirt with his trucks and stuff. So I was um happy that I could do both. And they're an animal, they're an animal that doesn't enjoy the physical touch of a human. So that being said, um, I knew that they weren't going to be sort of all over us, and I would have anxiety about Wiley being out and getting hurt by cattle or horses or anything. Um, you know, and you know, I've got this little voice saying I can hear other people. Oh, we've had our p you know, our kids out in amongst it. And I said, well, you know, that's great. But for me, this is this was my thing that I was telling myself. So the alpacas I felt really safe around that he could be around them as well. So, and he was, he he's grown up with them, around them. They, you know, they used to be intrigued with him. I used to be fascinated and just watching them interact because they whereas they wouldn't let him touch them, they he they would be sort of just out of his reach constantly. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:50

And so what impact did bringing alpacas into your life have on your mental health, your happiness? Uh, it was it went up.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

It was I just felt alive again. I really felt like I had a goal, I had something really to work towards. I had um look, there's so many options in the industry. I'd you know, and I was trying to figure out what to do. I was organizing, I had um, I was getting up in the morning earlier, I was sleeping better at night time. Um I found I had more energy. I just um everything started to come sort of back more naturally to me. Um in being a mum, I found that that was becoming more enjoyable. I felt I could hold conversations when I was out in amongst people or at mothers' groups. I had something to talk about that people were interested in. Um and I just I felt I I just felt like you know, I was important again and I mattered. And it just where I mean it there was a lot of a lot of moments still, but it really it it was there were slow steps, but I was moving forward, which was it was good for our marriage as well, you know, because uh hubby didn't have to worry as much about me, although he, you know, he'd worry about oh god, what's what hair-brained idea has she got now to do? So but he he gets it, he knows, he he sees how much um light and life that it brought back into me. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:35

That's beautiful. And I want to ask you about how the alpaca business has thrived since then, but I did want to ask you something based on a comment you just said earlier. Looking back now and and that frame of mind you were in, do you feel any sadness at the fact that you thought that being a mum was not enough? Because you mentioned that you just felt like you weren't enough.

SPEAKER_00 33:57

Yeah, absolutely. I did. I I didn't feel that I I was being what what I was supposed to be. I, you know, I had I even had, you know, I had myself up on a pedestal, perhaps, you know, and thinking that this this is the woman who has it all together, and um, you know, she's she's got um her family and her husband and you know, she's got it all figured out. And and behind that, you know, you think, well, no, that's not it. And you know, I felt I was constantly trying to strive for this, and I just wasn't getting there. And I think even that was you know, I was taking a hit from that. And it it does make me sad because I think of opportunities lost and memories that could have been made that, you know, and weren't because I was I was too scared to leave the house. I didn't want to go and socialise with people. Um, you know, and I I was quite, yeah, I got quite a recluse because of it. And there was a lot of things that suffered because of it. And but net looking back, you know, to know I was more than enough. I really was. And if that's probably one thing, if I could tell anybody who's out there who's resonating with any of this story, you are enough. Um, it just sometimes you're looking in the wrong mirror, you know. You've got to look at one that is reflecting the true personality and not the one that you've put yourself in front of. Um, because we are our own worst enemies, and we can get inside our heads um in ways that you don't even think possible. You wouldn't even perceive it, you know. And a lot of it, I mean, I I even now I I see a psycho oh well see, I speak to a psychologist, and um, you know, she said, even the other day, she said, don't forget to be kind to yourself, Michelle. And I was like, okay, and it is, it is, it's one of the biggest things I've got to try and do always, even now. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:15

Yeah, and thank you for for sharing all that. And I suppose for you, you know, even though it was a tough time and you had so much pressure on yourself, thank God for you, these alpacas came into your life because as you said, you you got a bit of your your spark back and you were able to enjoy motherhood more. Tell me this journey with them. Where has it gone to? How much has it grown? And and obviously your son's been been through this journey with you too.

SPEAKER_00 36:38

Yeah, oh bless him. He gets dragged around and is like, come on, you can come and help feed, or if I'm away at the moment, he has to look after them as well. Um, well, I've built the business um from the ground up from absolute scratch, you know, from having absolutely nothing to having um about a hundred alpacas now. Um there's there's two different breeds, uh, types of alpaca. Um, I breed the rare Asuri one with the dreadlocks, and um it's it's been quite the journey with those as well. I have um days where I actually have displays and I go back to the place where I actually um saw them for the first time. So I have been frequenting that agricultural show for 10 years or more now, I think, with alpacas. I have um helped convene the Rockhampton show with the alpacas there. I've helped with Toowoomba Royal. I've actually in recent years um become the um Australian Alpaca Association Queensland regional president. Um and I sell a lot of my fleece now to a buyer who's just started up in Queensland and he buys um fleeces down near Brisbane. So I sell most of my fleece uh there. I get some of it spun into um into yarn. I've had products made. I've look, you name it, I've done it. There's I've had open days, haven't had open days for a little while since before COVID. Um, I've found that I'm just getting, I don't know, I'm getting busier as I get older. Um and farm life, of course. I mean, the alpacas are actually a hobby as such. And they have there's very much grown beyond one person. Um and with the the daily grind of of the farm and you know, working there and and keeping it running as well. Um, I don't know, we people say if you want something done, you ask a busy person. But um yeah, I I have to start scaling back because I'm still doing way too much. And it's just it look, it's getting to a point where I want to still be enjoying it, and you don't want to make work out of um, you don't want to end up not enjoying what you do.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:08

Um I guess I guess the alpacas, they're they're definitely something that'll probably be in my life for a while. Regardless of of anything. I'll probably scale back on the production of them. But there's um, yeah, but there's something that has always been there and I think always will be.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

Oh, it's beautiful, and you've done such an amazing job growing this, you know, passion project into something, as you said, got you out of hand in a good way, in a busy way. But um, I guess, you know, alongside this journey, how has your relationship with your son evolved and and your I guess relationship with yourself as a mum, you know, seeing how hard it was the first couple of years and how you weren't enjoying it, and and you've had to really, you know, do the work on yourself to to get back on your feet mentally, especially. What's motherhood like and how has it evolved to what it is today for you?

SPEAKER_00 40:02

Oh, look, uh, it's been quite the journey, um, even now, uh, as as we all have our moments. Um, my son, he's he's done really well. He's bit he's an only child as well. Um, I think with all the trials and tribulations I went through that um I wasn't capable to have another. Um I I had a difficult pregnancy and traumatic birth experience, and so you know, all of those things in the mix as well. Uh but he's he's certainly he's quite the commendable young man. He really he steps up, he's loved coming along to the displays. He's gets quite chatty and he'll talk to people and um he'll chat to anybody at all um about anything, but mostly at the moment it's all about cars. But it's he's he's sort of seen um a lot of struggles, and I've always been open and honest with him about things, and especially, you know, back then, you know, it's post-natal depression. It was a bit young to understand all that. However, if I was crying or I was sitting in the corner of a room, you know, and I was just sitting there trying not to cry, and he'd come and find me, and I was like, Oh, you know, mummy's just a bit sad, and he would just sit with me and pat me on my knee, which would make me cry even more. But um, yeah, I know he had an understanding sort of beyond his years, and he has seen a lot in his young life. Um, but I think I think it has built a resilience in him and a caring resilience as well with what he has seen and been through, but also to to have had me and his dad um talk to him about everything. And like now in this part of my life, you know, it's perimenopause and it's all the other fun stuff that's starting. As soon as it started happening for me, he knew about it, you know, and I was not forcing it on him, but just bringing it in in everyday life and not giving it a power that it was a bad thing, or you know, there's so much in society that is um not spoken about still, which is really sad. So look, if there, if there's something happening to me, I share it. I'll tell anybody who'll listen. If I think a problem, a problem, you know, is halved if shared. So it's um yeah, I think it's really important to share those um everyday life with him and the struggles that we all have. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:49

Yeah, and good on you for sharing that with him because I think, you know, teenage boys in particular, I think it's really important as women that we, you know, normalise things that happen, you know, whether it's mental health, you know, bio biology, menopause, periods, you name it, you know. I think uh it sounds like you have a really open relationship with him, which I don't know if it's always been like that, but and I'm not in the teen years yet, but I can imagine that's it's just such a different phase when and you know, you lose control because you talked earlier about how much you liked to be in control independent when they're little and they're babies, you you've got some control over them versus teenagers talking about cars and I imagine getting a license at some point. How do you feel? How does Michelle the controlling, more independent person, how do you find that phase of navigating teenage years?

SPEAKER_00 43:36

Oh, look, you know, it's it's I'm look, I'll tell you what, I'm just glad I have a psychologist, I think. Um it's so I can talk to her about it. It it it is been my, I think a single biggest thing for me in my life is that control factor. Um, when things aren't in my control, I stress. And now, and he is growing into this young man. Who is just champing at the bit to get out and be his own man and be his own person. And it is, look, it's beautiful. It's wonderful to see him growing into this young man. But you know, you think, oh mate, do you think he should have chosen to do that? Or do you think he should choose, you know, good choices, you know, constantly. And there's look, I fall short of anything like that. I'm like, mate, if this happens, you know, this is gonna happen. So I'll give him all the consequences. And you can just see the glazing over happening. It's like, mum, it's okay. I got this. I'm like, I know. And learning to step back and learning that it is okay to do that. And there you hear about these mums, they say comes a point in life where you know that you just have to say, you've done your best, and now it's time for them to start becoming their person. And that is what I don't have control over. And that's okay. I tell myself this every day. So don't worry.

SPEAKER_01 45:03

Yeah. How do you how do you feel about yourself now? You know, looking at Michelle 16 years ago as a new mum, holding yourself to such a high, you know, degree of expectation, like you just had such expectations of yourself. Yeah. Um and almost an impossible, an impossible standard, which so many mums I think uh go through at some point. How do you feel about yourself now? Do you feel like you still hold yourself to that or have you been more kind to yourself?

SPEAKER_00 45:30

I've definitely been more kind to myself. Um, my brain does run off with me um most days um trying to to figure out everything. And it's it's really good. Like I've done I've done a a few talks and a few interviews um now, and I I find them really good to do to ground me again and to know that you know that this this person who I perceive that I should be, she doesn't exist. You I've I've got to live for myself and in the moment. I don't know, it's it's hard to explain what I'm trying to say. It's more of a being kind to myself, you know, is having these little mantras that I try and do um every day because you know, we've had a lot go on the last couple of years. So there's I've struggled probably in the last couple of years, um, mental health-wise. Um that's a whole nother podcast, I think, though. But it's when I when I look at myself, it, you know, I think the biggest thing I think I always tell myself is be kind and breathe. Learn to breathe. And I mean, physically learning to breathe, like really in through the nose and out through the mouth, and box breathing and and all these little tips and tricks, and just learn that life is gonna throw curveballs no matter where we are.

SPEAKER_01 47:01

But just do you feel like is there a reason the last few years you just mentioned, Michelle, that you've struggled again? So you'd have kind of gone through struggles, kind of come out the other end, and and it sounds like things have been tough for you the last couple of years. Is there, you know, are there reasons that you're happy to share as to why that that is in the recent years?

SPEAKER_00 47:19

Absolutely. Um two almost two years ago to the day um my husband was in a really bad farming accident, a um uh uh grain silo, 50 ton of wheat, collapsed. The base fell out and fell on top of him. Um almost took him from us. Um and that's it crushed his foot, and he's he's an ultra-marathon trail runner, so that was quite um quite the turn to take. There was a lot of ups and downs. We didn't know if he was keeping his leg. Um, when we found out that they could reconstruct it, um, you know, he had an insane amount of um surgeries, and I was, you know, I was away from the farm for seven weeks. Um I sat I was able to but I was able to sit by his side the whole time um down in Brisbane, which was great because we had a a fantastic support network back here at home and while he was at home as well. So he was feeling at that time he was 14, so he felt that he um was needed to step up and be the man of the place, and he sort of fast realized how tired he was getting because he was trying to go to school, and then he was trying to come home and and do everything. And my mum was out as well, bless her, she's an absolute rock, she's always been my rock. Um, and she was able to keep the home fires burning, so to speak, and you know, keeping him fed and and things as well, and being his little support network. And um and whilst we were going and navigating this unknown time down there, and it was I think from that therein, I actually actually stopped. It was the first time in I don't know how many years that I had to stop. There was no other way that um, and it also with my husband, and look, I'm gonna mention it that we were not sailing great before this accident, you know, we were having we were struggling in our marriage, um my son was struggling as well, you know, because there was conflict between us and you know, so much work to be done, and you sort of you sometimes the daily grind, you you can't see past what's right in front of you, and that can be soul destroying. And when when it actually our life came to this grinding halt, and you know, there were days when I would just sit there and like I'd be stroking his hair, like this is my husband Pete, and just stroking his hair in bed just as we're getting through the day because he was struggling with the unknown. So from there on in, I guess it was a different path that has taken us that life has taken us down, but it hasn't all been bad, you know. It it's been difficult, obviously, but it really gave us an opportunity to look at ourselves and think, hey, we've actually we're okay, and we're we're being you know quite hard on ourselves and learning to to stop and smell roses for want of a better um pun, but really we did have to stop and we did have to take stock about what was going on and and um you know it's two years on and we've we have gone from strength to strength. I mean, days we yo-yo, we go up and down, but I do believe that we are stronger. And look, Hubby is doing exceptionally well. He's um he's currently down in Brisbane getting checkup on his foot, and his his orthopedic surgeon just is in complete and utter awe of him because he said in the beginning, just know that your days of ultramarathons are over. Um but you know it's his stubborn, stubborn light in him, and he is actually back doing it now. So he just he did a 10k run this morning. So it's it's a little bit different. Obviously, he's he's not where he was, I don't think he ever will be, but he is out there and he's doing it, and he is um he's quite the inspiration. He really is, and you know, we look at that side side of things in life and think, you know, we have a good life, we have a this rural, beautiful rural life, and um you do you you to stop and thank you lucky stars sometimes is is is is exactly what you know we need to do from time to time. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:07

Yeah, and unfortunately, sometimes it takes you know those big knocks to make you stop, particularly in rural Australia when you're so busy in that grind. Um and what a what a beautiful, I guess, full circle for you guys as a couple as well, as parents, you know, to go through those tough times and then to come out the other end, as you said, and go from strength to strength. I think we don't often hear those stories, you know, you hear about um, you know, marriages ending and and obviously they end for various reasons, but also for someone to for them for you to still be together, but to acknowledge that it's not not all been smooth sailing and that you've had to work at it, I think it's really important for others to hear as well. And yeah, I suppose in summary, I'd love to hear how are you feeling now? You know, there's been lots of twists and turns, but are you feeling you know joyful about the future? Are you feeling happier? You know, how where are you at now?

SPEAKER_00 52:57

Oh look, I'm I'm enjoying who I am as a person now. Um I look, I had my days, the the struggle is far from over. But I think there with age as well comes a wisdom that you know that you you get a different thought process about things. Um I'm finding I'm I'm thinking about life in calmer ways. And without if there's a whole lot of noise going on in my life, I do tend to shut down a little bit sometimes still. So that's this is where like I I have my psychologist and I talk to her once a month. Some months I'm on top of the world and I just think, what are we going to talk about today? But I still talk to her and I still go through things, and I will guarantee that I get something out of that chat every single time. It just helps me reset and know that I'm okay, I'm doing fine, one step, you know, one foot in front of the other. And um the future I think looks bright for us. I um I don't want to expect too much. I just want to be able to um enjoy the simpler things in life, getting back out in nature. We've started doing a lot of hiking uh through and uh recently, uh especially down Tassie. We really enjoyed uh Cradle Mountain and a few other places, the three capes as well. So yeah, we we really are trying to enjoy those little moments, even if it is just um making sure that there's a meal on the table that we're all sitting around over nighttime and screens are off because screens are such um a thing these days that fuddling everyone's brains, and just to disconnect and so we can reconnect.

SPEAKER_01 54:51

Well, Michelle, I just wanted to say such a huge thank you to you for sharing your story so openly after I just came out of nowhere and put you on the spot. Who knew that uh Google would uh bring up a story about a beautiful rural mum and alpacas like like it did? So I'm very grateful that I that I found you. And um uh you might be the first alpaca farmer that I've ever had. Maybe there's one other I've forgotten over the last six years. I'm sorry if that's you. But um, yeah, certainly it seems very a very underrated form of livestock that has helped you so much. So um thank you so much for being so open and honest. I yeah look forward to keep you know following your journey with your alpacas and beyond. And yeah, just thank you so much for your time.

SPEAKER_00 55:34

Oh, thanks, Dafno. Thanks for having me. And look, you know, if it's if it can help somebody out there in any small way, then it's been worth it.

SPEAKER_01 55:44

Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Don't forget to check out cable, which has unveiled exquisite new arrivals from their Heritage 365 collection. A considered year-round wardrobe crafted from luxurious 100% Australian merino wool. The latest drop is available in cable stores around the country now or online. Check out the link in today's show notes. And Hogan's Family Jewellers, a proudly family-owned business celebrating over 80 years of craftsmanship, has helped mark life's most meaningful moments from engagements and anniversaries to personal milestones that deserve to be remembered. Shop their incredible collection of ready-to-wear jewellery online now or in store at 241 Margaret Street, Tewoomba. And speaking of Toowoomba, we have just returned from our incredible national conference and what a couple of days it was. Our team, I think, needs a couple of days to recover, but thank you so much to everyone who came, all the beautiful rural mums. It was such a wonderful celebration of rural motherhood. In the meantime, we're back into the swing of things now, slowly. I'll be back next week with a brand new episode. I'll catch you then.