Episode 90: Boundaries: Respect vs. Obedience | El Efecto Podcast

Episode 90: Boundaries: Respect vs. Obedience | El Efecto Podcast 

In this episode, we hear about Patty's side quest to Karochella before we get real about the difference between respect and obedience, and how so many of us were raised to see them as the same thing. We talk about why setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable (and even a little guilt-inducing), especially with the people we love most. But choosing yourself doesn’t mean you don’t care, it means you’re learning to show up for yourself. If saying no is harder than it should be, this episode is for you.

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Patty 🖤
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Melissa ✨
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Tiktok: @melissadesantiago8

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hey guys, I'm Melissa. I'm Patty. And we are El Efecto Podcast. Welcome back.

SPEAKER_04 0:14

We're complete this time.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

We hope you guys enjoyed the last episode. I know I did. As someone who was not here, I was telling Melly, first of all, shout out to Melly for holding it down for Elefecto Podcast. I honestly, bitch, was watching it and I was so giddy. Because one, I'm like, the the episode was so good. The content was so good. The conversation was so good. She literally was Gabby was like sent to us. We were meant to find each other because her scritto, her messages aligned perfectly for us. And again, when she was like, I was reaching out and only you guys responded. Yeah. It was meant to be.

SPEAKER_04 0:57

It was literally meant to be.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

It was so good. But I was watching it. I was like, oh my god, this is I felt I was just so proud. I felt literally like a proud mom watching Melly. Like, I don't know. Cause it bitch, like, I feel like you don't give yourself enough credit, but but you were there, and I I literally was like, bitch! I was like, who is that?

SPEAKER_04 1:15

No, guys, I was generally, I was so nervous. But then like out of like I was like, okay, once I was telling Patty, once I actually like, you know, got to see Gabby and like talk to her, it was like an instant connect. I was like, okay, thank God. Yeah. But I was so anxious because one, duh. Yeah. We like we've never done this like alone, but I'm like, oh my gosh. I was like, I yeah, I was a little proud of myself because I was like, oh my god, like you did that. It was and it was a good one.

SPEAKER_00 1:41

And I love how you guys were like matching. Yeah, I was dying back to the boots.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

Yeah, she was uh yeah, when we saw each other too, she's like, oh my god, we're like magic.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

No, it was so funny, but it was such a good episode. If you guys haven't checked it out, make sure to check it out. Make sure to follow Gabby, make sure to like reach out to her. Everything if you want her scritto, like we can share the link with you.

SPEAKER_04 2:02

Yes, yeah, and then I know she was working on um having it up on her Instagram. We'll get more details, but yes, please follow her, La Dra Matica, um, on Instagram and TikTok, but you'll see that all like in our Instagram. Um, but yeah, like guys, it's it's such a good scritto.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

It's like you guys should so good, and it was just funny. So we had planned this because we were sent the scritto a while ago, and we were supposed to have her earlier, but then in the hospital, yeah. I wasn't gonna say that, but yeah, and we couldn't, so then we finally got her back, and then literally, like, I think I texted you the Thursday before, and I was like, bitch, so I'm gonna need you to do me a really big favor and do the episode by yourself because I'm going to Coachella. Yeah, or actually, I keep saying that I didn't go to Coachella, I went to Carol Chella. I went to Coachella just for one day just to see Carol G. And honestly, I manifested it. Yeah, like my delulu became my trululu because I have I've always I've never like craved or had a FOMO to go to Coachella, like even when Bad Bunny was there, I my thing was like I just want to see his performance, and then if I could teleport back, amazing. It wasn't until this year, because it was JB and Carol G, where I was like, and then after watching the performances, I was like, oh, I wanna go. I was like, I don't give a fuck if it's one day, I wanna go. And so I was like, you know what? I don't I don't know, but I'm just gonna start recording things in case I manifest it, then I could be like, bitch, I did this. So literally after watching after Sunday, Carol G's performance weekend one, I didn't watch it, but then the next morning I was watching clips and I was like, fuck, like I have FOMO. I was like, what if I just go? I don't know how and kept it to myself, didn't tell nobody. Monday I started ordering things for an outfit. I was like, okay, if I were to go, what am I gonna wear? I just need to have a backup just in case, and I can always return it. No pasa nada. They get here. I went to SoulCycle to celebrate our friend Zoo's birthday, and we're chit-chatting outside, and our friend David was like, Oh, I'm gonna go to Coachella again on Sunday to see Carol G, just Sunday. And I was like, Oh my god, I wanna go. And he's like, if I find you a ticket, will you go? And I'm like, Yes. And for me, I was like, period, it's meant to be because I'm not the one looking for it. Like he reached out to friends that like were out there, like, or anyone have a ticket, anyone not going on Sunday, blah blah blah. And he was like, Regardless, you're gonna go. So he's like, just plan that you're gonna go. But I was like, I'm not gonna tell Meli until it's like I'm going. So I think I followed up with him on Thursday. He was like, I have someone, but like I'm not sure yet. And then it was like solidified Friday, like, okay, yeah. But I texted Melly, I was like, I'd rather I was like, now it's getting close. I was like, I also, I was like, I also need to give Meli time to mentally prepare to host by her a stranger for the first time on her own on Sunday. So I texted her this whole, I was like, bitch, I'm so sorry, super last minute, but like I'm going, I think I'm going to Coachella. And Melly's like, what? No.

SPEAKER_04 5:23

I mean, I was excited, guys, uh, because we had like talked about it like later on there, but I'm like, guys, like, yeah, I'm like, bitch, what? Like, yes, what the fuck? Like, I'm like, I will figure it out. Like, like, I don't care, go. Like, you can't pass that up.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

No, but it was so good. And I was telling Meli because everyone keeps asking me, how was Coachella? How was Coachella? And honestly, I don't think I can give a fair review of Coachella because again, my experience was just solely around Carol G. Like, I only went because of her. Like, that's why I was like, down Sunday, let's let's fucking go. I literally got, we didn't get into the festival until like 7 p.m. We like saw a young thug for a little bit, walked around, grabbed food, ran into some people, and then went straight to Carol G's set to like get a spot, which we actually got a really good spot. So I feel like you know, being there, you know, it was a vibe, cool. But like, I don't know. I thought I was gonna feel this like euphoric thing that everyone's like, oh my god, Coachella. I didn't experience that, but again, I'm telling myself it's because I didn't get a full experience, and that's fine. But again, I went for Carol Chella, and bitch, shoot the liver. It was so good, it was so good. I don't care what anyone says. I watched weekend one, in my opinion, weekend two was way better. Like I I agree, and I've heard that from multiple people, and I'm like, I again, I could be biased because I was physically there, but I'm just like just other things. Like everyone's like, well, you know, everyone always says like weekend one is like you kind of figure things out, weekend two, you're set. So like she started on time, her set was ready. Not only did we get Becky G the same as weekend one, we got Bessel, we got Jay Belvin and Ryan Castro, like girl, like I and Mel, tell them what tell them what you did when you saw Jay Belvin.

SPEAKER_04 7:21

Guys, I literally, one, the performance period. Like, I was liter in my room doing the whole thing, like screaming, whatever. The moment I hear the song, I and then of course I was like, okay, oh my god. I started screaming, guys. And I asked, like, I literally texted Patty in that moment because I'm like, this was a good thing. And I had and I have and I have no service. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, of course it was, and also in that moment, like, she's not gonna see that she's there. But guys, I started going crazy. I was like, oh my god, because we were just having a conversation about Jay Bobbin. We were leaving the studio.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

It was we were leaving the studio on the or is it when we went to dinner? It was one of the I think we were leaving the studio for some reason.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Because we were leaving the studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We were playing, I was playing music at a get on whatever it was a ton of different like songs, and then the um a Jay Bobbin song came up, and I was like, sorry, we were leaving Vicki's, we were going to Vicki's, that's what it was. Yes, yeah. A Jay Bobbin song came up, and I was like, Oh, I'm gonna skip over. I'm like, he's cool or whatever, like you know, and then Patty's like, no, bitch, I love Jay Bobbin. And she was like talking about how like she has a connection with one of her friends, like whatever, and it just brings back some memories. And I was like, oh my god. So the moment, like this was days before, so like the moment that happened, I was like, no way. I was like, this was meant to be, and it aligned in the perfect way. I was like, because now he is there.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Like what in that moment? So I'm recording, she's talking, and I was like, oh my god. And on our way to Coachella, David and I were chatting, like, who do you think she's gonna bring out? I was like, I would die if it was Bad Bunny. I was like, I would die. I fucking love him. Yeah, and I'd be like, my two number ones at the same time, girl. But I was like, I don't know, I feel like she's gonna bring someone like the Colombian. I was like, I think it's gonna be Jay Belvin. I'm like, what if it's Jay Belvin? And he was like, no, I don't know. But he was like mistaken. He thought something else. He was like, no, I don't think that's gonna happen because blah blah blah blah. And I was like, I don't know. I was like, okay, if he's not here, like whatever, but I was like, I don't know, that's just in my head.

SPEAKER_03 9:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:18

And then Zoo and I were already talking about like Beso Pluma, because we're like, oh, he's already in Palm Springs. So we're like, it's gonna be him. When I tell you, when I just heard bah ba, I literally thought of Meli immediately. I was like, no fucking way. And then I was like, I was like, we literally were just talking about this.

SPEAKER_04 9:38

And like it's so it's like that's why we both had the same thought because I was like, oh they're like, I like even my mom was like, I get theanism. Like you, you one, you don't get it. But I was like, oh my god. Like again, it was just meant to be like it was meant to be that way.

SPEAKER_00 9:52

It was so good. Like I had the best time singing, dancing. We had really good, like a really good view, good, I was gonna say seats, good area we were in. The people were cool around us. Um we left before it was like officially over because we didn't want to get stuck. And I was like, I'm totally fine with that. So we started walking towards the back, and it took a minute to get back there, but then David was like, wait, she's gonna do your song, Amargura. I was like, Oh, bitch, I am ready. I was fucking jumping around. No, so I like ran from the group at one point and ran towards the stage, and I'm like getting ready, and David's like behind me, and then once that song was over, we're like dancing out.

SPEAKER_03 10:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

Once we get out of like where she's performing, bitch, the adrenaline is like going away. My feet were on fire. And Zoo was like, This is the part of Coachella where you lock the fuck in bitch. We walked, it felt like I walked fucking a marathon to get back to the fucking shuttles. It took forever. Like, I was like, oh I was walking hella slow. Yeah, I was walking so slow because I was like, I just can't, and I was like, nope, we're almost there. We're almost there. We got home, we got to the shuttle. I we all took like a little nap, and then we had to get an Uber and then bitch, the Uber, because there's like no service. Oh god. Someone was like, Oh, we gotta go this way. We look at the map, we're walking in the wrong direction. And I was like, Puta madre. Especially after you're oh no. We get to the house at like two-ish. I shower, and I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna start packing now because I just want to sleep, and then in the morning, I could just like change, do my morning routine, and head the fuck out. And bitch, tell me what I didn't fall asleep till like three something. I woke up, I think, at like six or six thirty. But like I just woke up and I felt fine.

SPEAKER_04 11:49

Oh, good.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

I mean like I oh bitch, I was drinking my electroly. Don't get it twisted. Because when I got to the Airbnb, I got drunk immediately. Immediately.

SPEAKER_04 12:01

I was telling Patty, I saw our cousin. Our cousin was um at Palm Springs with them, and he was he told me the first thing. I was like, oh, how was like the weekend or whatever? He was like, Oh, it was like cool, fun. Like, because he's like, he just likes being at the house in the pool drinking, and then he's like, dude, I was hanging all day. I wasn't drunk the whole weekend until fucking Patty got there. It took me an hour and a half to two, and I was drunk as fuck. I was like, oh my god. And then Patty was sending um her cousin to Amanda, and I update, and I was like, it was 18 for video. The ones I put that video with her in the Airbnb said, yes. We're like, I'm like, take another shot.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

She's like, oh my god, I was not the one.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Was I in the bathroom? Yes, yes, yes, I was wearing a romper, yeah, and I was like, girls, we're at this, do not wear a romper. It was so funny, but yeah. No, but it was so good. That was a really fun side quest, and also because I just haven't had like, yeah, we went to Catalina, but I don't know. I've just been like, Yeah, work has been super stressful, and I was like, that was like a thing that I needed in between another stressful week of work. Yeah, and it's I mean, hello, the performance. And that so I wasn't there when she announced her tour. I saw it in the morning. Oh my god, yeah. So I heard I heard it, but I didn't like really understand because we're kind of far already. But when I got back to the Airbnb, I saw it in the morning. Like when I woke up the next day, I was like, So when I went to work, then everyone's asking me, How was it? Blah blah blah. We're chit-chatting, and they're like, Oh, so did you sign up for her pre-sale? And I'm like, bitch, when the fuck is the pre-sale? They're like Monday, this past Monday. And I'm like, say less, sign up, cool. I didn't tell her anything. We did not communicate about this, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna log in. Me thinking, oh, I'm gonna log in an hour before they go live. I'm gonna get in the queue, no pasa nada. I thought wrong. Literally, get in the queue. I couldn't even get in the queue. And then hours later, she announces her second date. I get back in the queue, it's I'm not getting in. I'm like, fuck it. I try one more time. I got in like this, and immediately I'm like, I'm that the fucking sound. And I draw, thank God, I was like, I got the funds. Check out, immediately check out.

SPEAKER_04 14:23

Guys, I literally, I just sent her a screenshot. She sent me a screen. I'm at work. And I I finally like had a moment and I looked down and was like, I was, I got my coworkers like, what?

SPEAKER_03 14:33

And I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna ticket.

SPEAKER_04 14:36

I was like, my cousin got the tickets. I was literally, and then it I couldn't react fully anybody until later when I was driving. I was like, shut the fuck up. Oh my god, like no wait, guys. No, we're gonna have to. It's gonna be the best time. We've seen her already. Like, we've seen her. We went to Vegas. And then here, like oh my god, like and we I already know we're gonna cry, we're gonna dance with the whole thing. I'm so fucking ready.

SPEAKER_00 15:02

Una pela. Yeah, bien gonzales.

SPEAKER_04 15:07

Yeah, literally. I'm so ready. But oh, I love that for you so much.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

No.

SPEAKER_04 15:12

Well, I love that for us, but I love Pico Chalda Park.

SPEAKER_00 15:15

I was gonna say, we're both good, no, but yeah, it was so good. Um, but then but also before that, we went to we had like a a cute little dinner date.

SPEAKER_04 15:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:24

We went to ended up being like a whole, like a whole thing.

SPEAKER_04 15:27

Yeah, no, guys, we literally so um because of that, uh, Patty was like, okay, well, I'm gonna be gone. Let's make sure like you know, we're set and like prepped. And I was like, okay, but what if we like go to Din Tai Fang? Din Tai Fun had no reservation. Me too, and we had been talking about it for a while. So I was like, okay, let me just check. I checked the one close to our home, I checked the one in Santa Monica, I checked, I was like, none of them. I was like, okay, whatever. And I was like, I just want dumplings. So there's another place near us, and we ended up just going there, and then um we had like a good talking sesh, and then we also went to another like bar um next to it. This was a newer place. It's a new restaurant. Yeah, I don't remember what it's called. Oh, yeah, it's a restaurant, but they have like an outside area, yeah, with like a bar and stuff, and we're like, okay, let's go plan there and like have a drink and some fries. But no, guys, it was a good time. Um, like we had one good dinner, good conversation. I feel like there was like so much to catch up on. Just because, like Patty said, like she's was super busy with work, and then like me too. Like, I've been super busy. So during the week, like we'll do check-ins here and there.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

It's literally like, how's your morning?

SPEAKER_04 16:30

And then, like, you know, and you guys know we say this all the time, like it's like like that, and then it's really on our drives here or like in between where we can catch up. Um, but we were having a good conversation. I was telling her, I was like, guys, like I had been struggling for a little bit. Um, I've been struggling for a little bit, and it if you guys know that I've opened up on this podcast before, like when I have like my moments, I tend to like shut down or hold a lot of things in, and then um then I randomly like just like explode. So that was like starting to pile up, and it's gonna go well into like the conversation that we're about to have here. Um, but it's just more there was a lot of things that I was taking in because I was being there for you know, everyone else around me, which I like I mean, obviously I won't get into details and no shade to anyone around me, but it was just more about like, oh, okay, I was starting to notice little things where it was like with one person, then another person, then another person. I was like, whoa, and it wasn't until I was talking to Patty where I realized, like, oh damn, like I've been like taking all of this in, like, cause there's like an and on top of that, like I had my own shit to deal with on top of that, and I didn't realize how much I was holding back internally myself with something that had happened, and then on top of that, like every you know, trying to be there for everyone else, that I was suppressing that other thing and and whatnot. Yeah, like just really, guys, boundaries and and friendships. And um, that's one thing that I've struggled with along the way, like for a long time. And I've I've tried to set more of those boundaries the past few years, which have helped me so much with myself, my growth, like everything. But I think that that's one thing I try to be that person for everyone that I don't realize that I'm not being that person for myself. Yes, and it's like yeah, we had that like moment where it's like, oh shit. It was like a little reality trek where I'm just like, no, I'm just being there for this person. I'm taking it.

SPEAKER_00 18:24

And I literally was like, Yeah. And that's where I am more like I was like, Mel. I was like, one, that's a lot to take in. And I was like, also, that is not your responsibility. I was like, I love that you are showing up as an you are an amazing friend, you're being there for people, amazing. I'm like, but at the end of the day, like there's other people that need to be involved or part of the conversation, or like, God forbid something happens, or you give advice and and it goes wrong, and somehow it gets back, like that's just a lot going on. And also people at work always and I feel like we all kind of have a little bit of this, because I can be that way too. But at work they always say, like, you cannot fill other people's cups if your cup is empty. And and sometimes I feel like we convince ourselves, like, it makes us feel better, like, oh yeah, I love being there for them and whatnot. But then you end up taking on those feelings, or like you're worried, that's another thing to worry about. Like, oh, like how is this person doing? How's like I just gotta make sure of that? And then you're like not taking care of what you actually have to take care of, especially when it's heavy.

SPEAKER_04 19:38

Yeah, and like to Patty's point, I think it all happened so quick that I didn't even realize because it's like, yeah, it was all like around the same time, and there is like this going on and this going on and this going on. And I was like, whoa. And then until I said it out loud, I was like, oh shit, like okay. So um I had that like that moment, and then I realized I was like, okay, I should probably have a therapy session. So guys, I did have a therapy session. Thank God for my work perks. Um, but it was like good. I was like, I I had that moment where I was like, oh no, I hush, I have I hush, I have to talk to someone, and more about just yeah, like, you know, just open up, talk to someone. And I haven't done that in a while. Like, we there was some time that we had conversation here. I know Patty was like, you know, she's been open about her therapy. I started therapy at one point and then I stopped, and then yeah, but I I I did that again and it felt so good, guys. I was like, I needed that, and it just after that, I was like, okay, I really need to start setting those boundaries again. And it looks different for everyone. But I think first the first step was me having that therapy session because it's like, okay, what are you facing with right now internally? Like that made me be like, I want to do this, or like just keep myself occupied with other people's problems that I'm not dealing with my own. And I think it ha again, it happened so quick, and there was a moment where I was like, good, and then yeah, there's always things happening, but it was like, oh shit, like it hit me. Um but yeah, like I I was I was glad that I did that, and then it just goes back to that. Like, please, like, and I'm I'm saying this out loud to a camera and to you, but I need to take my own advice. But boundaries are so important when it comes to your relationships, your friendships, and like again, yourself.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

And no, a thousand percent boundaries just look different, and again, that's not to say like you can't be there for your friends, but sometimes it's like before eventing session, like check in with yourself first, or even be like, maybe you you're just like, Oh, how are you doing? And then they start to unload. Like, it's very much okay to be like, Oh, like I'm actually like, I want to be support you, I want to be there for you, but I'm just not in the mental capacity to take this on. I'm like, I actually have a lot going on. I was like, I just want to know if like you're okay, like, and even then, like, okay, I don't need to know the details, but like maybe is there someone else that you like? Do you actually need to talk to somebody? Or maybe I don't know, maybe you even just Saying that helps a situation, but I feel like boundaries across the board, like at work, person, like with your family, with your friends, and it again it looks different everywhere. It's probably and I I don't think it's sometimes it's it can be easier than other things, even like at work, like putting a like setting time on like when you're gonna do things, not saying yes to everything right away, or like don't like underpromise overdelivers like the way I do things at work, like then you're just like pleasantly surprised when I get more work done. Um I feel like that's a little bit uh easier in the when it versus when it comes to like people in my personal life, especially when it comes to like family. We can just start there because I feel like that's like a big thing where in especially in the Latino household, like you're not supposed to have a boundary. Like, what you mean? You we all live under the same roof. My your business is my business, and I'm like, no ma'am, no, it's not because I don't need fucking fulita over there to know what's happening. No, literally, but we're made to feel that like setting a boundary is the worst thing ever.

SPEAKER_04 23:17

Yeah, and honestly, like setting the boundary and anything. So I in a I'm tying this back to friendships as well because in or friendships and relationships, because um, and we've we've talked about it earlier on on this episode, like, but it's like how we I'm not sorry, not this episode, this podcast, how we've lost friendships along the way, or there's certain friendships that have changed because we've set certain boundaries, and it's like, oh, like you're not the same, you this and that. Like, guys, the the Melissa that I was with certain friendships, not saying like it's she's like gone, but it's like it's changed so much, and that was the first thing right away. Like, oh my god, it's she's not the same person, she's changed, like she's not there, you know, and it's like that always comes with that's the first thing that people like go to. It's like, oh, like she's changed. Oh, she because she's like being a bitch, or like certain things like that. It's like, no, that's like the number one thing. I'm like, because you're prioritizing prioritizing yourself. Yeah, I'm like, that means you're a bitch, that means you've changed.

SPEAKER_00 24:17

That's the crazy part. Cause I remember the moment when all of that was happening, and like us having our one-off conversations, and I just reminding him like, bitch, like at the end of the day, you're doing this for yourself. And bitch, you were so much happier outside of like getting all that to you, but you were just happier with the way you were moving in your life and the people that weren't benefiting from how you were before.

SPEAKER_04 24:45

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

And I feel like that was like a big eye opener. A thousand percent.

SPEAKER_04 24:50

It was a huge eye-opener, and then it made me realize, well, if those person, like or I guess, if those persons, if those friends, those relationships, those friendships, what whatever, don't accept that, then those are not my friends. Those they don't generally like care about me. That's what I thought about in the moment, right? Then there was like different conversations, but it's like that's the number one thing. I'm like, you can't respect my boundary, my time, and you're like, you know, there's again boundaries look different for everyone. And on the on my receiving end, it's like, you know, there are certain things I'm like, oh no, I get it. So I don't know. It just like made me think about that. But to your point, it it like opened up like that. Like, okay, you have to put yourself first at the end of the day, no matter what. Like, it's I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

Yeah, but also having those conversations with yeah, people, because that was another thing, like when you do set a boundary, okay, then how do you want this to look go forward? That's where I've noticed a big difference because I've had people in my life where when boundaries were set, two completely different experiences. On one end, it's like all hell broke loose. And on the other end, it's like, okay, then how would you like me to react or how would you like me what what do you want me to do in this situation? And sometimes I'm literally like nothing. Yeah, like you I'm not looking for you to fix anything. Sometimes I just need someone to vent to, sometimes I don't need anything, I just need space, grace, and just love at that point. Yeah, like I don't really need it. I appreciate the friends that now kind of know, like just like a quick check-in, cool, and it's not too much because my thing is I have always felt that like I've I've always been made out to be the bad guy. Be when I and I go, because I also look inward. I am very much not the person that like when I'm going through something, I am not gonna reach out to anybody to talk about it. I need to process everything in my mind first. I don't really want to talk to anybody about it. And then when I'm kind of like, okay, what when I get to the root of like why do I feel this way, that's when I will reach out to a lifeline, whether it's you, whether it's another friend. Um, but again, that is I've had conversations where amazing, they understand that's how it is. Cool, we're good. But I've also had it on the other end where it's like that just doesn't work. And I'm like, okay, like I don't need that. Like, if you're not okay with how I need to process my stuff, like that's not my problem. That's a you problem.

SPEAKER_04 27:21

Yeah, no, a hundred percent. And that's like that oh and that goes for the household too. Yes, we were guys. I mean, we Kraddy and I have like conversations all the time, but at home, oh my gosh. And it goes also to like the just that's a form of mutual respect. Like it's like respecting one another and like again, respecting your time, your decision.

SPEAKER_00 27:40

At home, it looks very different, especially growing up Latina, because again, I we love our cultura, love that it's very family-oriented, but the family is like the number one thing, almost to the point where it's like that has to be your entire identity. Like, wanting to I think we might have touched on this previously, but like wanting to be an individual is looked at negatively sometimes. And again, this isn't all Latino families are very some very progressive, but traditionally, that's how it is, and no matter what, you have to care about like what the family thinks of you, blah blah blah blah blah. But also, there's a lot of old school ways of thinking that no longer work or kind of keep you stuck. And if you think differently, that's where issues arise, and that's kind of where like okay, I'm gonna limit my access or how much you know about me, because then it's just gonna turn into this big argument. And I'd rather not argue and save our relationship. Like, we don't have to talk about this. Like, I am also I'm for example, I'm very private with my parents, extremely private, for multiple reasons. One, because a lot of times they just don't understand the why behind I wanna why I want to do things like okay, you were fine with doing that. I don't want that, I don't want that for me. And also, if I say something, I know it's gonna get repeated to all of my tias, my aulita, and then to my tias on the other side. Like, I I don't need that. Like, yeah, I'll come on here and say it. Yeah, or I'll go on TikTok live. Like, I'm not gonna do that. And my mom's favorite line to say is, Oh, pero tu puedes decir lo que es de tu fila, ah, did you say it again? Slow down and repeat what you just said. And no, bitch, I did not say that to her. I'm like, I go, what did you just say? You said that I can say whatever I want about my life. Correct. Just because you you are made to feel that you cannot do that, that doesn't mean that I can't do that. Yeah, I have the respect for myself to defend myself. You don't, babe.

SPEAKER_04 29:51

No, but that is like, dude, that is so spot on, guys. Like that part, like even just what you said. I'm like, uh because I'm like triggered. No, it's like to that, like, yes, it's my life. If I want to come on here, and we've said this, like a lot of times our family is our mom's whatever. I know my mom finds out things because of this. Like, it's like, but because we want to put it out there because it's our life, it's coming from me. But you mentioned something about staying stuck, and I feel like this goes across again, just within um the Latino community in general. Like, I have so many French cousins, etc. And it's that point where it's like our whole life we've been made to think like, okay, do you you owe this or this, like, you know, to your parents, or like all this. I've me speaking for myself specifically, I am stuck in the same situations over and over. One to avoid the conversations and the conflict. I'm like, this is not gonna get us anywhere. Let me just deal with it. Or once we do have a conversation about it, it's not gonna change because it's not they don't, it's not clocking. Literally, it's not clocking. So it's that. It's like you stay stuck and it's like it's so frustrating. And it goes, we had a conversation about this, but that guys, the respect, like it's like I'm respetas or respetas esta casa. Uh what? Respetto is ta casa. I'm like, why? Because I'm you want me to obey, you want me to continue with these cycles over and over. And oh, me setting a boundary or me doing something outside of what you think is not right, that's a lack of disrespect. But are you respecting me? Or like do they even know what you want? Exactly. It's like, you know, and it goes to like respect is mutual, but also you entire vibra. No entire and like, yeah, like it, ah, it's it's that constantly.

SPEAKER_00 31:47

No, yeah, it's like it's just hard. That's also why like I move different. Like, okay, in the beginning, I would try like literally like say the thing, same thing over and over again, and now I'm just like, now I limit, I limit their the access, and that is it, because I know it's not going anywhere. Yeah, like it's not gonna go, there's no point. There really is no point. And I'm like, you say you want X, Y, and Z, but then when I actually give you my own opinion and it does not match yours, there's an issue. I'm the bad guy because I don't think what you think, and I'm I'm not I'm not a yes man. I was not raised to be a yes man, which is also wild that they expect me to be one. I'm like, I'm literally both of you. Yeah, neither of you are yes men, so why do you expect that from me? Yeah, and my I always say like you paid. One thing that like triggers me that my dad says is like don't think. Like he wants you, like think, he wants you to obey. And in my head, I'm like, bruh, you paid for this brain. You dropped you dropped bags for this. Like, yeah, what do you mean don't think? I'm gonna think. And I honestly you're wrong. That line is crazy. Oh, bitch, my whole life. My whole life. Oh my god, my entire life going on record, my entire life, don't think.

SPEAKER_01 33:10

And I'm like, bruh, you're you know how like backwards that is because you're dropping hella money for me to think. Yeah, no, what do you think I do for work? Like, what do you think I do for work every second?

SPEAKER_00 33:25

Like, non-stop. But yeah, it's just it's so, it's just so hard. And we're seen as like being selfish when we like want to spend time by ourselves or like not spend time or not go to certain events because whatever the reason, I I don't feel comfortable at that event. I don't really, I don't really care to be around this group of people, or like that's just not my vibe. Like, period. It just it does not align with where I'm at right now.

SPEAKER_04 33:55

Yeah, and I feel like that like it's taken. Um, I know within like my household and my relationship with my parents, it's taken such a long time to get to where we are now, not saying that it's perfect and it's not, but it's more me setting that boundary of like if I want to go do I'm like, hey, I'm gonna leave, I'll be right back. Whatever, like it's gotten to that point, or to Patty's point, I've just limited that access to like them being able to be in my head, my mind at all times, because it's like no, and it's so like recently I see it a lot more. Like, I'll get home there, like, and I told I've said it here, we have like family dinners, right? It's it's happened a little bit less because I just get home late and it's just like me quickly and out, or then I get home, I eat, and then like, all right, I'm leaving. Oh, you're leaving, yeah. I'm going to the gym, I'm doing whatever. And it's like, what? And it's they're like, Oh, but you don't spend any time with us, and now you're leaving again, and now you're going on this trip, and now yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:49

Yeah, the routine that was like when I started going to the gym and I got back into Soul Cycle, that was like a big thing because it was like, you're always working, and you like we're not gonna see you. And at I was like, Oh, like that's the only time I have for myself. Yeah, and the thing is, the reason that like they can't say anything to me because I wasn't doing I'm not out there getting high. I'm not out there, I'm not out there getting pregnant. Like, bitch, I'm literally exercising.

SPEAKER_04 35:18

Or I'm going to class, I'm going to the gym.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

Yeah, or literally, I'm at work. Yeah, like I don't do anything. Yeah, I don't do anything. I literally work and work out and do this, and that's literally my whole life. Yeah. Occasionally I'll have a side quest and go to Coachella or whatever, pop into a concert here and there, black out a day, but honestly, that's what it is. And also, I feel like a thing that's hard to understand, even like when you're on the receiving end, because like when people put a boundary against like your us or like you personally, a lot of times it can feel like rejection, like, oh, this person doesn't want to be around me, blah, blah. But there's also like a reason why, and at the end of the day, we have to respect that. Like, okay, that's fine. But also, like, just because someone is used to having access to you doesn't mean that they're entitled to it. Yeah. Because you someone can have access to you for years, but you are dying on the inside, and you finally stand up for yourself. It goes back to what you were talking about with like friends and stuff, like you were unhappy for so long, and then you finally set up a boundary, and then they take offense to it. Yeah, but it's because they were gaining something from you not standing up for yourself, essentially.

SPEAKER_04 36:33

Yeah, and guys, right now that Patty says that, it's it's just funny because it brings me back, it not triggers, but it brings me back to so many moments where we had this conversation where uh Patty's like, I am not allowing people to have access to me, or access to me is a privilege. And I've heard this like in different ways, which and it's so true because the people, and we've we've said this here too. The people, like I'm just saying, the people, yeah, like I'm like, guys, like the people that are around you and everything, it impacts you, and then having that access to that point, it's like, no, like you don't deserve access to me. You don't deserve, like, you know, or no, sorry, I'm not gonna say don't deserve. It's just, oh my god, where was it going?

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Maybe it could, it could either be, I think it's a spectrum. Yeah, I think pe there's people that maybe do not deserve any fucking because I can think of people who don't deserve any fucking access from you. Like they should not even be for you. Yeah, but then there's people that's like, okay, maybe just right now, yeah, it's just not it. And also I feel like sometimes people will test the waters, like do a temperature check, but it's like, no, like I'm so good off of that. And sometimes when you put a boundary up, you have the space, and you're like, actually, like I do miss that person. And it's like, okay, look, you have a conversation, but you also have to respect whatever the other person wants. Because there are also sometimes where you're just like, actually, I set this boundary and I feel so much better. Yeah, I feel so much better, and I don't even want to risk that. There's some people that risk it for, and there's some people that I'm like, I'm honestly okay without it. But yeah.

SPEAKER_04 38:12

No, and I was gonna say, like, on to add to Patti's, it's that time as well when you whatever happened with this into like within the situation that you spend on your own without this person when you realize okay, like there, there's just a lot of things that start going through your mind, and you like, wait, okay, this, this, this, like you start clocking a lot of different things by stepping away from the relationship from the person. You start realizing, like, wait, what the fuck? No, I'm so much better without this person, and a lot of times it brings up like different friendships or open source for others, and it's like you you just never know.

SPEAKER_01 38:50

That neck roll, bitch. You just never know. Can't think of an example of no which I live with them.

SPEAKER_00 39:05

Fuck no, we're over here like giggling, but that's also like a trouble response.

SPEAKER_04 39:12

That's literally what you put us in a fucking room, someone we're gonna laugh.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Believe it. We're keeping that so nonchalant. I mean, it's true, but you said it.

SPEAKER_00 39:36

Okay, this is where like now like nervous giggles and laughs because it's definitely like a work in progress.

SPEAKER_02 39:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:43

Again, speaking for like, yeah, it's I think it's just how we were brought up. And it's just crazy because like when you're a child, you believe so much of like what your parents and like the adults around you say as like that's facts. But then as you get older, you're that frontal lobe is developed, babe. And you just become more educated. And again, education is like you go to school, you travel, you have people, you have you make friends that are from different cultures, different places, you just expand and your mind.

SPEAKER_04 40:20

That what you're learning, what you're experiencing, what you're seeing.

SPEAKER_00 40:24

Yeah, even when you try new things. For example, I feel like whenever when I was younger, it's like if I wanted to try something, it's like, oh, but what if like what if you're gonna fail? Essentially, like, why try? Yeah, or like, oh, you're not gonna be able to do it, like you're gonna give up right away. Da da da da.

SPEAKER_02 40:41

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Like that is such a fucked way to think. Like, if anything, you should encourage. Okay, you try something. What did you it doesn't work? You at least tried it. What didn't work?

SPEAKER_02 40:52

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 40:52

Let's let's have that conversation.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:55

How do you how did that make you feel? Okay, you were nervous, didn't work out. Okay, guess what? Now you know. Yeah, but that's better. I'd rather know versus living my whole life not fucking knowing and living with the what if? Yeah, no, babe.

SPEAKER_04 41:10

And then to Patty's point, this goes across all aspects of life. Like literally, work, relationships, friendships, everything, everything.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

What we do right now. Like, no, literally, all that said, relationships, it's it's not easy. And setting boundaries isn't easy. It's not something that you're just gonna wake up one day and be like, oh, I'm gonna set this boundary and it's gonna go fine, I'm gonna set that boundary is gonna be fine. It takes time, and also it's not like a it's not a black and white thing where like I'm gonna set a boundary and it's gonna go perfectly. No, sometimes it's like, wait, there's friction. Why? Yeah, what's gonna happen? But it also shouldn't like it's either gonna like break a relationship or can honestly make it healthier. Yeah, because then that's when you open the door for conversations.

SPEAKER_04 41:54

Yeah, yep. And like Patty said, it's like it's it takes time, it's not linear. And like again, I just said like there was a moment a few years ago where I did that for myself and it it opened, you know, all of these different things. I was able to work on myself, I was able to to move through a lot of just situations that I was going through. And then now, yes, we're in that position similarly in a different way, but it's like okay, it's just more reflection. Like, okay, well, that was kind of it's on me in a way, you know. So it's like, all right, well, now what are you gonna do about it? What are those steps are you gonna take? Yeah, and like how are you gonna work through that?

SPEAKER_00 42:26

You're more aware, yeah, you're not starting from ground. You at least know that you can do it, yeah. And again, it's it's a conversation, yeah. It honestly starts with that, and boundaries will change your life. Yeah, I know for the better, or sometimes boundaries can be set up towards you, and you might feel in the moment, but I promise, like everything, everything it's so cliche, but everything literally happens for a reason I know when it's supposed to happen, yeah, and then always because you said everything happens for a reason, and just remember we are lucky girls and everything works out in our favor.

SPEAKER_04 43:02

Bye. Make sure to comment, like, subscribe, and we will see you in the next episode. Bye.