Looking to level up your love life, find the one or improve your relationships? In this week's episode, we're thrilled to be speaking with dating and relationship expert Michelle Hoffman, author of Life Worth Living and Soul Parenting.
HOFFMAN SHARES BRILLIANT INSIGHTS AND STRATEGIES ON:
Whether you're looking to attract "the one" or add more joy and connection to your current partnership, this episode provides a wealth of wisdom and practical tips. Get ready to gain clarity, elevate your love IQ, and start making positive shifts!
EPISODE LINKS
Leah & Willow's King & Queen of Hearts Intimacy Toolkit is on sale. Use Coupon Code KINGANDQUEEN10 for 10% off. https://www.sexreimagined.com/the-king-and-queen-of-hearts
Awaken Arousal Oil Lubricant "I had a 3-minute orgasm and then a 5-minute orgasm." - Beth https://exploreforia.com/awaken-so?irclickid=wyXW6byI5xyNWouwIoQAUS1GUkAx4m1JsS6bSc0&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=Impact&utm_campaign=Sex%20Reimagined&utm_c
SxR Hotline | SxR Website | YouTube | TikTok | Pinterest | Instagram | Dr. Willow's Website | Leah's Website
Looking to level up your love life, find the one or improve your relationships? In this week's episode, we're thrilled to be speaking with dating and relationship expert Michelle Hoffman, author of Life Worth Living and Soul Parenting.
HOFFMAN SHARES BRILLIANT INSIGHTS AND STRATEGIES ON:
Whether you're looking to attract "the one" or add more joy and connection to your current partnership, this episode provides a wealth of wisdom and practical tips. Get ready to gain clarity, elevate your love IQ, and start making positive shifts!
EPISODE LINKS
Leah & Willow's King & Queen of Hearts Intimacy Toolkit is on sale. Use Coupon Code KINGANDQUEEN10 for 10% off. https://www.sexreimagined.com/the-king-and-queen-of-hearts
Awaken Arousal Oil Lubricant "I had a 3-minute orgasm and then a 5-minute orgasm." - Beth https://exploreforia.com/awaken-so?irclickid=wyXW6byI5xyNWouwIoQAUS1GUkAx4m1JsS6bSc0&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=Impact&utm_campaign=Sex%20Reimagined&utm_c
SxR Hotline | SxR Website | YouTube | TikTok | Pinterest | Instagram | Dr. Willow's Website | Leah's Website
I am Dr. Willow Brown, your Taoist expert here at Sex Reimagined.
Leah:And I am Leah Piper, your Tantra expert. Hey guys.
Dr. Willow:And today we had Michelle Hoffman, OMG, she was so much fun, I mean, the hour went by, like hotcakes. We were like, oh shit, we have to like wrap this
Leah:I'm like, can't you stay over?
Dr. Willow:She was so cute. We're definitely going to go wine tasting with her next time she's in California. So one of the things she kept saying, it's like her little tagline for life, I loved it, was life is better with good love in it. And so her whole shtick is how to guide you to attract high quality relationship ready people and to help them navigate finding each other and getting into relationships that align with their core values and really get them into a place of understanding why they are in relationship to begin with.
Leah:So many great questions to help people process, do I know myself? You know, like where am I going? Who am I? Where have I been? And where do I want to be? And who am I not? So
Dr. Willow:This another one that she was like, how do you go from a lonely to love? How do you go from chemistry to committed? Just really, really great systems and really like step by step. So tune in, turn on, fall in love with Michelle Hoffman.
Leah:You just go ahead and fall in love with her, would ya? We did.
SxR Announcer:Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.
Dr. Willow:We are here today with Michelle Hoffman and so excited to dive in with her and the art of relationshiping. So welcome, Michelle. We're stoked to be with you.
Michelle:Thank you so much for having me. I am also stoked. I just got off the phone with another client who has found their forever love.
Leah:Oh, celebration.
Dr. Willow:It
Leah:Congratulations to both of you.
Michelle:That's everybody!
Leah:Yes. Yes. Love has conquered again. It's victorious.
Dr. Willow:So, how long, I'm so curious about this particular one that you just spoke to, how long did she work with you before she found her one?
Michelle:Well, I will be honest with you. The first eight weeks were really designed to help her know that she is relationship ready.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:And...
Dr. Willow:important. Not just worthy, but are you ready for it?
Leah:Yeah.
Michelle:We all want it and we think, ah, we're good. We got this. And then when you really dig down to what is going on in your life and what type of person would you like to attract into your life and are you the type of person, at this moment in your life to attract that person.
Dr. Willow:Hmm. There's a lot of like frequency and vibration, those are the words I like to use. Are you vibrating at the right frequency to find that match, who's gonna? Who's going
Michelle:It's very,
Dr. Willow:that way.
Leah:How many people know that they're not ready? Like when you pose that and they haven't maybe posed it to themselves. Do they ever go,
Dr. Willow:I know I'm
Leah:Yeah.
Dr. Willow:ready. I think some people do know they're not, probably... I did.
Michelle:So, I think that the people who know they're not ready, are not ready for the wrong reasons. Because we dive into the dating pool, and we go out, and if you aren't attracting, if you aren't relationship ready, And you can't see the other people who are relationship ready as well, who are the right type of partner to invite into your life. Then you're inviting in all the wrong people. And then if they reject you, you feel lousy because the wrong person said no.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:That's frustrating and sort of depressing because you're not finding your right person. So the whole process of dating should be so much fun. However, when we're picking the wrong people or even more dangerous, if we are not representing ourselves accurately, then we attract someone to the wrong version of ourselves. And then,
Leah:Which is probably so common.
Michelle:Oh, so it's terribly common. Yeah
Leah:Yeah, you know, cause I think I struggled with that as a younger person in particular. Trying to attract men, boys to love me. Like I wanted to be loved and I led with sexual attraction. So it was like, I tried to make myself sexy because I thought that's what they would love. And then I really wasn't myself. I was trying to be something instead of just allowing who I am to shine. I'm assuming that's pretty common, that's where a lot of people twist themselves up into pretzels, trying to be what someone else will love instead of just trusting that they're lovable.
Michelle:Right. Well you nailed it right there. The reality of that is what will give me attention? Is it the right type of attention that you're looking for? Now, I'll give you an example. One of my clients was like, so I've connected with this guy on this online profile dating and he seems really great, but he stopped chatting with me. Should I throw sex at him?
Dr. Willow:yeah No
Michelle:No, it's not necessarily the right answer. Who am I to say? I mean, I have to give an answer that would be my choice, but if what she's looking for is a really exciting fireworks type of physical interaction, then go for
Leah:challenge is right up her alley.
Dr. Willow:but that's not why your clients come to you Michelle, right? They're,
Michelle:So,
Dr. Willow:for, to find the one. So the answer
Leah:Yeah. Right.
Michelle:So, if, so, right, but you can't just go, no.
Dr. Willow:Right,
Leah:right, Right.
Michelle:I responded to her was,
Dr. Willow:get it to come out of her.
Leah:Yeah.
Michelle:Otherwise, that we're trained to do that again to get the attention again. So what I said was exactly where you were going with this is, would you like to throw sex at him to get the attention you want from him? Is that the attention that you want from this person? And she said, as you noted, no. And I said, well, then how about lead with who you truly are and see if there's engagement in that. There's really three layers, and you actually talked about some of them already, to filter out who is the right person for you. There are no role models for this. If you didn't have anyone teaching you this, there's no Relationshipping 101 class.
Leah:Right. There's no scientific data that's going to map it out perfectly for you.
Dr. Willow:Very personal, individual, where you're at in your journey, in your life, and all of
Leah:So, so what do you, yeah, yeah,
Dr. Willow:one,
Michelle:What are the three? All right, you want to know the three. Now, as you pointed out, an algorithm doesn't bring you to that because there's that je ne sais quoi, that, you know, otherwise matchmakers would nail it on the first try, every single time. So here are the three. And really, if you understand where you're at in what I call The Lifeline of Your Relationship Arc. This is the relationship that you've got throughout your life. And it's not just chronological age, it's where are you at in life, and what would you like for the rest of your life. Because if you're lined up with somebody who wants something very different than you do, and I'll give you an example, I've got a client who... Is a celebrity, however, matching this person with somebody who can't understand that they are going to be on the road a lot. There's going to be a lot of attention focused on them. It changes who that person should be partnered with.
Leah:Mm hmm.
Dr. Willow:Makes sense.
Michelle:A celebrity needs a specific person who understands that this is their job.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Leah:Because everyone needs to feel supported. Right. And if someone can't understand how your career and the importance of your career, it's divergent.
Dr. Willow:And it's so painful when there's a malalignment, especially when it's your career, especially like a celebrity, that's kind of like, it's not just your career, it's kind of who you are, like, you know, how you are walking through the world. So there's, you know, Leah and I have that a lot. It's like, we're not just sexologists or sexpert teachers. That's who we are at our core too, you know? We're for this.
Michelle:so she needs someone who can understand.
Dr. Willow:And it
Michelle:She's going to be extroverted and there's going to be a lot of focus and attention. Her partner is somebody who can understand that and knows that their relationship is solid enough that they can walk a similar journey along those lines. So, understanding who you are you looking for someone to go have adventures with you know, there's friends with benefits, that's a whole different world, as you pointed out, not typically where people are at when they're coming to me, they're looking for something much deeper, but they may not know how to get there,
Leah:Mm hmm.
Michelle:Or what they've been trying hasn't worked. Is it that you're looking for someone to partner with in your residence where you're living to cohabitate? Are you looking to build a career? Are you looking to build a family? Are you, have you done that already? And now you're looking to build a companionship with someone to have amazing life adventures and to share life's challenges and celebrations together. So step one is where are you at in the lifeline of your relationship arc? And what would you like for the rest of your precious life? And what we're going to do is find the intersection of somebody who wants something similar so that you can link arms and walk that journey together.
Dr. Willow:And it could be all of the above or a combination of all those things that you just mentioned. Yeah.
Leah:And so how do you help people, yeah, identify where they are along the arc? Does that have to do with, you know, age and, you know, how do you help them narrow down?
Michelle:It's not always age, because people of different ages get together, people of different
Leah:You know, I'm thinking of like where you are in the life process, right? Who you are at 25 is very different from who you are at 35, from who you are at 55, especially when you're looking at your commitments and responsibilities in life.
Michelle:I've actually just finished writing one of a series of the Find Love Now books, and it's with early readers. And this one is actually a workbook to help you figure that out. And I'll give you an example of one of the exercises and that is Who did you used to be? Who were your roles in life? And you can start barreling them out or I can do it for you, with you. But you were a daughter, you were a, maybe you were a sister or sibling. You were a student, you were a friend, you might have been an athlete, you might have been an artist, a dancer, you may identify as a musician. So who are all of those roles that you held in your early life? And up and.
Leah:and, yeah, yeah. Personas and, yeah, I love that.
Michelle:And you might have been girlfriend or boyfriend, and now,
Leah:ex wife or, you know, yeah.
Michelle:Who are you now? So now you might be, you'll still maintain many of them, still daughter, sibling, friend employer
Leah:Mm
Michelle:celebrity, you know, personality, you may have taken up a new hobby so you identify as a bicyclist or a yoga person or, you know, something
Leah:Yeah, a homeowner or, yeah. Mm hmm.
Michelle:Mom, you might be an ex wife, you may be a widow, so any of those things, so understanding who are you, and then we talk about who would you like to become. So again, a lot of those are going to stay the same. But then there may be some new ones like philanthropist or world traveler, adventurer, those kinds of things. And so that's one example of where we start to go to fill out that self image of who are you? And more importantly, who are you not?
Leah:Great. Oh, that was the surprise at the end. I like that. Who are you not? I've That's a great question.
Dr. Willow:And who do you to be?
Michelle:Right, and who do you want to be so that we know how to develop that clear, well lit path for you to walk your journey and discover who you'd like to link arms and walk alongside with you.
Dr. Willow:Yeah. That's, I mean, that clarity is so crucial when you're looking for your beloved in this world. You've got to
Leah:write a couple of these down. These are
Michelle:okay, you can go to them. And it's your beloved, no one else's. You literally have no competition to attract your person.
Dr. Willow:Love that. Yeah.
Michelle:So many people will go online and see who is their competition and try to emulate them. But just as you were saying, it's like, well, really, that's not who you are. Let's find what makes you spark and light up.
Dr. Willow:That just is going to throw you into the comparing mind, which is pure suffering. I mean, don't go there people.
Michelle:Because there's nobody more unique and special as you and what we really want, what separates me from any other relationship coach in the world right now is that what I'm doing is helping you find the right partner who's attracted to organic, natural, exactly you, authentic you, as you.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:Who you are right now. So that's step one.
Dr. Willow:One.
Michelle:Step two is to understand your core values in such a way that you know how you're going to make decisions because you understand your value system. When you understand even just your top five values. And this is a big way for people to clear the mind fog. It helps with decision making. And again, once you know what your goal is, it's easier to set a roadmap path to achieve that goal. And it's okay to get distracted by sparkly objects every now and again. But know that's what's happening. You're being distracted, and go have fun, and then come back to achieve your goal. And in reality, how do you figure that out? When you're making decisions. Are these decisions aligned with your core value system? So if family is something that's so important to you, but you're off doing things that aren't actually helping you develop and foster the growth of that family, then that's fun, go do that. Realize you're not going to achieve your goal. And really one of my goals with my clients is to know that on the day you die, you know, you really lived.
Leah:Yeah.
Michelle:You know, there aren't a lot of privileges of being a widow, but walking the journey with my late husband, and knowing that on the day he died, both he and I, and our children know he really lived. Yes, we wanted him to live longer.
Dr. Willow:I literally just wrote that yesterday, Michelle. I was writing exactly that, just yesterday. I'm like, the most important thing on your death bed is like that you loved well and that you were loved well.
Leah:Yeah.
Dr. Willow:It doesn't matter like what you did in your company or how much money you made or, I mean, that stuff is cool. It's extra. It's icing on the cake. But come on. Love people.
Michelle:It's very self actualized of you. So I've been in the end of life industry for a while as a result of that.
Dr. Willow:Mmm.
Michelle:And that's what people want to know on their deathbed. That they loved and they were loved. And the rest is living life through our senses. We take data in through sight, taste, touch, sound, smell, and there are others, proprioception, and the sense of time, and those things, but if we just stick with the top five gives you, you know, this is how I describe our being in the world, is we take this information in through our senses. And that data through our brilliant brain that's actually named itself brain, huh, you know, and then based on this information that we're pulling in through our senses, we're pushing against our life experience. And that determines some feeling, and that feeling will result in an emotion like, Ooh, ouch, I'm hurt, that's hot. And because you've already had that experience, you learn, Ooh, I'm not gonna touch the hot oven anymore, because I already know that's gonna result in a consequence that I'm not interested in. That's not in alignment with my core values. And so you don't make that choice.
Leah:So can I get some ask for some clarification regarding the values? Okay, so I did an exercise regarding core values at one point, especially in the experience of what do I want in a partner?
Michelle:Yeah.
Leah:And so I had to take like an inventory of like, okay, well, where do I stand when it comes to spiritual and religious beliefs? How important is family? I've got a lot of siblings, I'm close to them. What do I feel like I need? A partner? What would be wonderful for a partner to bring to the table that matches somewhere inside the box of these various value categories. And the thing that I reflected on was that every breakup prior to this exercise had ended because there was a core value that was misaligned between the two of us. And I was noticing as I was dating in the moment of this whole process was like, Oh, I want to ignore that we are not a match in this category. He wants polyamory and I want monogamy and, Oh, but I really like him. And all these other places really fit and we're such a good match. But. And so it was like I kept my eye on the values that were misaligned and my mind that wanted to ignore it because, you know, there was one relationship that ended because we weren't on the same financial page. Another relationship ended because we weren't on the same personal growth values. Like he'd go to the workshop, but he wouldn't do the work. I wanted someone who's going to go to the workshop without me because they are into workshops. So is this, is that a similar direction, those examples in terms of how these core values work with this system?
Michelle:Absolutely. Yes. So here's the deal with where you were going once You know what your core values are then you can do the exercises that I've got in my books. Again, super simple and then I've simplified the whole thing. you know, I could put together a quiz like that, but in reality, you already know. So it's easy just to figure
Leah:out
Michelle:out.
Leah:Yeah, Yeah.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:But where you were going was like this. Do you need someone with the exact same core value systems that you do? Absolutely not.
Leah:mm.
Michelle:However, they do need to be complementary. Because as you were pointing out, do I want someone who is going to come into my life who's not interested in some of the same value systems or will not put the effort into the learning that you've just acquired? Because then you're like, alright, we did it and now what are we going to do with it? That person would then drop the ball and go on to the next thing or not. And you're like wait We're still working through this. So for example, if you are if you'd like somebody who's adventurous then you need to find that. If you want someone who's got a sense of humor and who can see the lightness in things, then inviting that in. Even if you would like to be more adventurous but you're not, so you want someone who's going to be like, Hey, let's go climb that mountain. Hey, let's go do this thing.
Leah:out your comfort zone a little bit so you get to do the things you dream about but maybe are afraid.
Dr. Willow:I just went mountain biking for the first time ever, ladies.
Leah:Wow! Way to get out of your
Dr. Willow:barreling down. Yeah, I was way out of my comfort zone.
Michelle:How about that for an adrenaline rush.
Dr. Willow:It was super fun. At first, it was scary, I walked a lot of it. But then I rode a lot of it the next day. But we have a we have a core values exercise our, in our King and Queen of Hearts program. And one of the things that I think is really important about understanding your own core values is how they work for you, but also how they work against you. Like, for example, one of my big ones is understanding love and understanding. Those are my top two where we always go, what are the top two? You know, I love the top five and then get down to what are they really? When I feel understood, boy, does it work for me. Or when I'm understanding someone to their core, right, to their deepest layer, boy, does it work for them? But if I feel misunderstood or I don't feel seen, it's really, it's just like, it's an absolute mismatch.
Leah:if I could just expound on that a little bit, it's like... if I'm upset because you don't understand me, no one gets to win. But if you don't understand me, can I be with that? So it doesn't actually have to be, you can work with it. There's still a place when someone just isn't grokking. They're just not getting you. They can't see your perspective. You don't have to make it so personal. You can actually just sit with the fact that we're not speaking the same language enough to really see each other. And then there's access to getting help, as long as you are in a relationship with someone where you both have high regard for each other. So it actually matters. Yeah, like, what you think and feel matters to them and vice versa, then there's still a way to get there eventually. You know, it's kind of like, So what I'm hearing you saying is basically, you gotta be somewhere in the ballpark. You gotta be playing on the same court, even if you're dribbling different balls. What a metaphor. Um, I'll give you an example. So family's important to me. I really like mine. And. They're far away. And so I really wanted to partner with someone who also liked their family. Now, I understand that people have hardships with their family and there can be a lot of pain and obstacles in relationships. And I sat with that. It's like, hey, how essential is it? That someone feels close to their family, because not everyone has that opportunity or that privilege or has control over that in their life. Would I not care for someone or not want to be committed to someone just because their mother hasn't talked to them in five years or they're estranged from their sister? And I kind of wrestled with that. It's like, it really was important to me. At the end of the day, I realized I really wanted to partner with someone who actually genuinely liked they're people. And well, thankfully I manifested that. And as a result, there's something I cherish so much in this marriage. Because I cherish his family. It ended up being an extension for me. They became now I have a mom and dad who live in California and I didn't realize that part of the subconscious value around that was that this California girl really wants a local mom and dad because mine are in Michigan. So some of those, I didn't get clarity on all the layers until I was presented with the experience. Thoughts? What, is there anything you would say about all that?
Michelle:Yeah, so this rolls right into the same concept of understanding your core values and then discovering the complementary core values that you'd like to invite into your life. And you brought up numerous different examples. And what we do when I'm working with people is we actually come up with open ended questions to help you understand those kinds of things very quickly. So, for example, if family is one of your strong core values, and you can't just ask, so how strong is your core value of family? Because it's not, it becomes a checklist. And that's not really building a relationship together, but asking something like how do you, or if faith is also and how you share your holidays together, or who do you go to for things. Then that's going to give you insight. Oh, every year we all go to my parents house in California. We have a big event and we invite the whole extended family in. That would have perked your ears up right away.
Leah:I'm in.
Michelle:Right now, strengths are also our weaknesses and I believe that there's more than one kind of family because there's family related by blood and there's family related by love.
Leah:A thousand percent.
Michelle:And this is I think when you were doing that thought provoking exercise for yourself, looking internally. If you had found someone who's got family related by love because of whatever upbringing they had. So that's the resilience of they still value family even though their family was not there for them, or it just didn't exist or they've passed or whatever. Here's someone who still has that value of family who would then be welcomed into your family. So if that partner loved and appreciated your family like you do that would have also work, right? So understanding also that our strengths are our weaknesses. If you look for someone who's got a sense of humor and you see in the exchange that they're humorous, then when you are very serious and you want more brevity and levity into your life, you can invite that person in. But also realize that if they're making light of a situation that you really consider a serious one then you need to let them know that this is not the place.
Leah:This is, this would not be the topic to poke at.
Dr. Willow:Mm
Leah:To make light of it. Let's, uh.
Michelle:Those types of things. Because the value systems still need to line up. And you were saying they don't, what you'd said was we're speaking different languages and that's exactly it. So, if you call this surface table, mesa, tab, whatever you're going to call it, that's fine. But if the meaning behind the message is please come to this flat surface where we're going to eat together. It's time. Then everyone can agree on that, even though the words are different.
Leah:Where do you pull, like, the value topics? Is there a list of values that you give people? Yeah, yeah. How many character values are on a list like that?
Michelle:There are about two and a half, three pages.
Dr. Willow:hmm.
Leah:Sure, that makes
Michelle:And I invite people just to circle the ones you love.
Dr. Willow:Yeah, Yeah,
Michelle:And I do this in professional settings as well as personal settings. If we're going to be any type of team or alliance, understanding the goals of, like, as I managed people, you know, here we are, we are a team. What value systems are you walking into the workplace
Leah:going
Michelle:All relationships follow the same cycle, from chemistry to casual to committed. We can talk about that in a minute. Let me just finish my thought on this one. I know, I just threw that.
Leah:that. Ding, ding, ding. Do you see her like, Oh, sparkly.
Michelle:Um, but in reality, so when we walk into any encounter with our value systems intact and then together as a team, what are our top five values? And then as we have a mission and vision we'd like to achieve, are they in alignment with that? And as a result, that sparks that kind of core value decision making that will then be personal success, team success, business or, you know, goal success, partnership success. All of it is lined up.
Dr. Willow:It really brings the why and the what together. Like, why are we doing what we're doing and what are we doing? Like, then it's very, very clear. It's, I mean, and relationship really is team, right? You're a team together, so.
Michelle:You maintain your individuality. And together you come up and you are something more this whole unique entity in this partnership and that's what people want. They want the sense of somebody's got my back, that I can stand up for someone, that there's someone by your side who will help make decisions with and for you that are in your best interest with you in mind. That's what we're looking for.
Dr. Willow:Who Oh, who doesn't want
Leah:Yeah. And then they were, people can be themselves and we share high regard for each other.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:And you know that whoever's with you, that they'll be able to take care of things, that you can have a sense of trust and a sense of calm, that you understand who your partner is and what they're capable of.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:Problems, of course, come up when you're seeking approval outside your core value.
Leah:Hmm. Oh, ding, ding, ding.
Dr. Willow:Yes.
Michelle:And that sounds like it makes sense. Why would you look for approval of who you are from somebody who's not even anywhere near in alignment with your values? Right?
Leah:Recipe the disease to please is strong.
Dr. Willow:Heartbreak there.
Michelle:Until, of course, it's your parent. Or your partner, or your sibling, or your employer, or your somebody who you have high regard for because of their status, title,
Leah:Ha ha.
Michelle:And that's where things get a little rough,
Leah:Yeah,
Michelle:because if you're seeking approval you're never going to receive, that, that's another place where we get frustrated and disappointed and we can try as hard as we possibly can.
Dr. Willow:Yeah. It is.
Michelle:It's a sabotage waiting.
Leah:Well, and it leads us, again, not being ourselves and putting on a mask, trying to get love instead of just trusting that you are already loved. Yeah,
Michelle:Well, that goes to attachment theory, also of where that came from. You're trying so hard to fulfill the needs of your partner, and you never feel like you're enough, no matter what you say, no matter what you do. You could be a giver, oh my god, I love my givers, and it's never enough. That would be, you know, an anxious attacher. And then the opposite of that is someone who just is too protective of their own inner sensitivity and being vulnerable is too risky with their emotions. So even the best of relationships, they will destroy. I mean, it could be fireworks going to physical because they don't feel safe sharing in a vulnerable situation. And so they need to know that they can leave and protect or give space and protect and a good partner for them also would be someone who can give them that space and stay there and know that it's safe to come back to that balance. And that's security of the relationship and they can still be protected. So little by little
Leah:Have you noticed a trend of like, I don't know, maybe a handful of core values that you see people breaking up over that repeat themselves that tend to be biggies?
Michelle:trust.
Dr. Willow:Mm hmm.
Michelle:And the trust is the biggie because we are being vulnerable in a situation. And no matter what, your, what brought you to who you are today, if you're trusting someone and someone is betraying that trust. That would be it. If you're a giver and you give and give and give, but this, you've trained someone to take from you, but your expectation is why aren't you giving back to me?
Dr. Willow:Mm hmm.
Michelle:That is a broken trust. If you trust someone will hold your emotions in a safe place and they don't, that is a breach of contract.
Leah:if you withhold trusting someone who's deserving of your trust? Because of things that have happened in other relationships and you're never giving your trust over to someone worthy, that...
Michelle:That's a weird thing. So, okay, I think you got us to all relationships go from chemistry to casual to committed.
Leah:Well, before we do
Dr. Willow:finish number three.
Michelle:Teasing you, aren't I? Number three
Leah:I love to derail people, it's subconscious, I start going down that lane and this lane. So Willow's is at keeping us on track.
Michelle:Right. And Willow, actually you had mentioned some of them because people look for number three first. And I think that's one of the biggest errors people make in finding their partner. That it's going to be a lasting, enduring love. Because what we look for, what I help you look for, is faith, family, finance, fun, physical, frequency. The vibration is what you were
Dr. Willow:All the F's.
Michelle:I know the intellect, the culture, the, those are the geography. So if you're sitting next to somebody in class and you're like, yes, you smell amazing then the rest might line up. But really it should start with where you at on the lifeline of your relationship arc. Let's have complimentary core values, and then man, do you smell good and you're intellectually at a similar point. Your careers are aligned in some ways, or you're, you can balance like two people in a boat, balance each other out. And the frequency, are you a morning person? Are you a night person? Opposites can still attract because when someone is that valuable, you will make time to be with them and share that time together. But, you know, what are your habits and attitudes during your everyday life?
Leah:so so what's the umbrella term for step three? What do you call
Michelle:I say setting your priorities.
Dr. Willow:Setting your
Leah:Setting your priorities. Okay.
Dr. Willow:Kind of like lifestyle, like, you are speaking to chemistry as well. Damn, you smell good. Pheromones. Hit me with them. You know then, you're also speaking to like, yeah, just like mindset, like are, do we have enough in common to talk about? And so, yeah,
Leah:Yeah, like I start thinking about vacations, like how do you like to travel? You know, if you don't, if you don't like to travel, I'm not your girl.
Dr. Willow:Totally. Yeah.
Michelle:Right. So there's a great example. I had a woman who was, she was very high powered executive and she did a lot of traveling professionally and that made personal travel also happened very easily
Dr. Willow:Mm.
Michelle:When she was doing business travel. She stayed at the finest hotels. She was eating at Michelin star restaurants. She thinks nothing of dropping 450 on a bottle of wine at dinner on a Tuesday. That's her lifestyle, but her profile said, her online profile said, I talk about your personal profile. That's who you are, but your online profile, hers was saying, I like to travel, eat good food and drink wine.
Dr. Willow:Yeah. Yeah.
Michelle:Oh, my God. Is that what you did? What I did last summer? I say from third grade. What? That's it. What go
Leah:Right.
Dr. Willow:Uh huh.
Michelle:backpacking on motorcycles. And
Leah:Right.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:some people are like... So what was happening was, and what spurred her on in part to reach out to me, was that she would go out with these... It's amazing men who would be very upset with her and were very demeaning when she was interested in ordering an expensive bottle of wine, and they just spent 12 on a cocktail, which was more than they ever wanted to spend on a.
Dr. Willow:Right.
Leah:Right,
Dr. Willow:Yeah, putting that forward is so important. Like, all of the, like, the more nuanced pieces of what you're into.
Michelle:Right. So we adjusted that. I love to read a wine menu, or when I read a wine menu, I am whisked away to the heated vineyards of Bordeaux. So, guess what type of person she's dating now?
Leah:hmm.
Dr. Willow:Someone who's super into wine.
Leah:Yes. Yes.
Dr. Willow:A whiny.
Leah:Who will travel the world and their first tour is going to be wineries and tastings and yeah.
Michelle:That's right. It's always,
Dr. Willow:Hoy springs. I want to go on a hot spring tour.
Michelle:There you go. That's what you want to be talking about. It's like, If you want to find yourself in the earth inspired wells, the, you know, it's like those kinds of things, that's who you're looking for. Somebody who's like on a beach because there's hot springs or on a beach in the middle of the night because that's when the low tide is and you can dig for a hot spring down there. That sounds like a really hot date for you.
Dr. Willow:Michelle, what do you have to say to people who are, they are already together and they've been together for a long time because I have these couples come to me all the time and I'm like, okay, let's figure out what your core values are here. And they don't know their own and they definitely don't know what their partners are and they've been together for 20 years, you know, and they've got kids and a whole family and mortgages and they're just, they're enmeshed, you know, and so, so what if do you work with couples if they're coming to you? Yeah. Yeah. So if couples are coming to you and they're just like, shit,
Leah:Yeah, we didn't, we didn't
Dr. Willow:don't align. Fuck. What do we do now?
Michelle:I'd be so excited for them, I'd be so excited for them, because they made the decision to talk about it. And I'm like, I would be like, right now, I'm like on the edge of my seat going, imagining that they're there in front of me going, Let's find out who you really are and who you can be. So, I would walk through from Chemistry to Casual to Committed. And then we would find out who they are and who they want to be, who they used to be, who they are, who they want to be. So the same exercise.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Leah:Yeah
Michelle:And then with that, find out who are you right now? Like, at the core, what are your values? And that's the time don't cheat off your friend's paper because, you know.
Dr. Willow:Figure out your own find some sovereignty here.
Michelle:And I'm imagining if they've been together 20 years, they probably have so much enmeshed in common that there are things they've already worked through just organically that they already know about. But with that, what I would do is describe to them that they've come, they're bringing the topic up that would immediately throw them into the chemistry phase. And I'll talk you through those.
Leah:I was getting a little hint of that because it's like,
Michelle:now.
Leah:a chance to have a second marriage together. Here's a chance to like, here's the next love affair. Hi, my name's Leah. Oh, your name's Matt. Nice to meet you again. You know, and you get to like, what a fresh way to kind of inspire more chemistry.
Dr. Willow:Could even do some role playing. I mean you could make it kinky.
Michelle:Oh, there's so, there's so much that they can do. So like the law of attraction, you know, when you first see someone or in this case to see them in a new light is actually changing your chemistry. There's a serotonin rush. There's the dopamine hits that make you want more, more, more. There's the oxytocin hormone that is a cool drug. It's it inspires you to reach out and connect with people around you. We're neurobiologically designed to connect with people. So when
Leah:What'd you say Willow?
Dr. Willow:My favorite hormone.
Leah:Ah, yes.
Michelle:There's so many good ones and there makes
Leah:ones. Yes.
Dr. Willow:they like to go together.
Michelle:So
Dr. Willow:yeah.
Michelle:as you're coming together or seeing each other, I was playing, I think in the green room, you were asking me to say or do something and I was playing with like my fawn eyes,
Leah:Yes. Huh.
Michelle:tiger
Dr. Willow:Yes.
Michelle:eyes, you know. All it needs to be, I just played the game, we're good. It may not be like the full roleplay of the, you know, you don't have to play it all out. But being playful. Anyway, the role of attraction brings you together. literally adjusts your chemistry and it changes to like this euphoria of eating too much chocolate of like Mmm, this is my person
Leah:Mm hmm.
Michelle:What could happen next and when you're in that chemistry phase? Especially even in a new relationship and you hear the phone ring and you're like that might be my person.
Leah:Huh. Ding, ding.
Michelle:bing, ding, ding, there goes dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, ding, ding, ding. And then you pick up the phone and you go, Ugh, spam call, that's not it. And then, you know, it could be that person who's sticking with you. So this is the chemistry phase. It's very, very exciting. Some people like to stay in chemistry as long as possible. I'm like, here's the honeymoon, keep it going, keep it going, keep it going.
Dr. Willow:What would you say, before you go on, what would you say is one thing that helps keep that honeymoon phase going longer?
Michelle:adrenaline.
Leah:Oh. I was going to say mystery, which
Dr. Willow:I was going to say appreciation.
Leah:How interesting, because I was thinking when you were talking about chemistry, especially with long term couples who are trying to find their way back to each other, when they've gotten stuck in routine, and they're not really relating, and they've even lost sight as to who are they now, you know, it's like suddenly you're discovering yourself again and your partner's discovering themselves. And now there's mystery again, right? There's curiosity. I think there's something about like the curiosity. That's the spark plug. And when we stop, when we become despondent to curiosity, when we stop caring, then no wonder the chemistry goes away.
Michelle:Well, there's a reason if we stop caring. And I'll tell you, there are seven things that we need to have cared for. And if we're caring for them, or if we're outsourcing to get them cared for, whatever it is. Are you regulating your body temperature? So, like, when you're brand new, out of the womb, BAM! We need help with this, but we need to regulate them throughout our existence. Regulating your body temperature. Are you nourished well? Are you hydrated? Have you got enough sleep? Do you, are you in pain? Do you need love? And do you need stimulation? There they are, seven things.
Dr. Willow:Mm hmm.
Michelle:If any of those are out of whack, well, you know, then we're hangry. Or if we're in pain, you're in trouble.
Leah:We're dysregulated.
Dr. Willow:We're not well resourced. Yeah.
Michelle:If you're dysregulated, then it is really hard to learn high level math.
Dr. Willow:Mm hmm. Mm
Michelle:If you're in pain, it's really hard to hear what's going on with someone else or to connect in a meaningful way because you're in pain. So if any of those things are out of whack, then we need to get those back into what I call homeostasis, or a sense of calm, or happiness.
Dr. Willow:Mm hmm.
Michelle:So that when you're stabilized, then you're a strong partner or pillar of strength that you can then reach out to for your partner and partner in a healthy way.
Dr. Willow:Right. You're standing in your own strength and resourceness, and then you're coming to the table to meet somebody who's also standing in that. Then you have a chance for an upward spiral, baby.
Leah:And this sort of correlates to if you stop caring, it's because there's something on this list that is on Is empty. you're missing your core necessities for being resilient. And you're having a hard time filling up and being able to have the energy to care if you're in pain all the time or if you have insomnia and your brain isn't functioning. Yeah, it's hard to provide that wholeheartedness.
Michelle:Or for someone else when you're not even able to do it for yourself. So the chemistry phase is exciting and it's also exciting to move to the casual phase, which is what we're talking about here a little bit. The casual phase, we as mammals. Love the casual phase. We like to be able to look forward to and anticipate what's going to happen next. So everything is not coming as an alarming surprise. And when what we are looking forward to is the second kiss. Mmm.
Leah:hmm.
Michelle:Because we liked the first one. The first one is going to throw us right into chemistry again. The second one is going to be like, Mmm, I'm happy here. The casual phase is a lot like going to your favorite restaurant, where you can anticipate the ambiance and the service, and ordering your favorite meal, because this you know you love.
Leah:now comfortable in your skin with the person? You've started to have some emotional capital between each other. So there's more trust. There's more comfort. You can, you spend the night at their house and maybe you got your own toothbrush has a drawer. You know, there's something about, okay, this is somebody who I can be myself around. Is that leaning
Michelle:Yep. It's that's exactly it. And that's actually almost on a deeper level because it could just be like your favorite song that you like to play over and over again because you love the song. So in this case, you're now spending you're sharing time together and you can anticipate What time with this person is going to be like.
Leah:Okay. So you kind of feel like you've got predictable expectations that are predictable. I mean, you, you kind of, you know what you're getting yourself into. And so there's a feeling of relaxation because there's a feeling of certainty.
Michelle:And there's a safety in that. There's a security in that. Now, there's a whole other thing that happens in the casual phase while you're feeling secure and safe, and this person you know, like your best friend or you know, you know, this is like I really am enjoying spending time with this person, but the other thing that happens in the casual phase, this is when the deal breaker red flags show up.
Dr. Willow:Mm hmm. Oh, interesting.
Michelle:You mentioned one of you wanted to have a monogamous relationship with someone and you were very attracted to this person and it was amazing, and you were enjoying the time together, and you can anticipate it and you know it's going to be good but BAM! I am not the only one in this relationship. We are not the only ones in this relationship. So you needed to do some soul searching and going, is this the right fit for me? And if that's not the right fit for you, then that's a clear signal to create some distance.
Leah:Yeah, I had to really pay attention to what was my heart doing and was it consensual? Because what I wanted to do was go, I'm just going to sneak you in there. I hope you don't mind later. We had to kind of go, look, we're really great for right now, but I'm not going to go to like this emotional loving place, deep dive with you, unless you want to do that too. Because I don't want to get hurt. So that creating distance, I had to go, okay, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna play this out with my emotion of love. I'm going to see if I can hang out in this,, purposefully while I'm waiting for the one. So I'm going to dance with the energy of love. And I'm going to be respectful and say, Oh, my heart's wanting to open deeper to you, how do you feel about that? I'm not ready for that. Thank you. I didn't shut my heart down, but I kind of bubbled it. I put a little bit of a protective barrier. It wasn't a wall. It was more like a cell it could take in, it knew how to feel the nutrients that were coming at me and kept the toxins out, and helped me stay in right behavior because I wasn't going to go in the direction long term I wanted, but he was the right one for the right now.
Michelle:Is what we're talking about when you've got a clear, well lit path and you know what your goals are. And this was a sparkly object. This is amazing and
Leah:As Willow would say, he was a man muse, but he wasn't the beloved. He was a lovely dick straction.
Dr. Willow:minute. You had a good time.
Michelle:So if you had come to me at that moment and you're like, what do I do? He was being authentic and real and genuine with you, which I really appreciate that. So that even builds more trust. But I would also tell you, a cat is a cat.
Leah:Mm
Dr. Willow:Not a dog.
Michelle:Never going to be anything other than that.
Leah:Yep.
Michelle:To love the cat for being a cat.
Dr. Willow:You know, this all comes back to, like, self trust. Can you trust yourself enough to, what Leah's speaking to, play in the energy of love, rather than going down the rabbit hole of the emotion of love with somebody who you know is not going to ever be a cat, you know? So, so you have to know how to discern that inside of yourself and really trust that you've got the finger on the pulse of that. And I think that's one of the things that you probably help people with, Michelle.
Leah:Yeah, because I had a voice in my head that kept on whispering to me, you know, but he could just change his mind.
Dr. Willow:Right, Right.
Leah:He could just really wake up one day and realize that this person is way more important to keep in my life. I mean, I'm gonna wake up and she's gonna be the one. You know, and I kept on going Oh God...
Michelle:And the stories we
Leah:The stories we tell ourselves. Yeah
Michelle:And that, and that's just it, you don't want to be changing someone else. And you had said that a couple of times that you were being who you weren't. And then you were being somebody who was experiencing someone new to see would this work? Would this work? Would this work? You're
Leah:trying things on.
Michelle:That's called dating.
Leah:Yes
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Leah:There's only one way to find out if this is the right person and you got it try them on and see, does it resonate? Does it fit? And what you're giving people is like a map and a way to cultivate that self trust because you've done the work on yourself. You've done the inquiry. You've sat with yourself. You've looked at your dreams. You, you've gotten honest with, this is what matters. And this is how I know, ding, ding, ding, that this is a more likely better match. And then, I'm assuming also by, you start to explore, Oh, this is my red signals of, this is definitely not a match..
Michelle:And when you're clear about who is not a match, and then you also know who is a match, you don't live with regrets. So here in the casual phase, it's like you might get some red flag deal breakers. You may have a yellow flag, I call it. That means you need to ask some extra questions like, Are you sure polyamory is the only way to go for you? Or, would, you know, would you be open to adjusting what your priorities are and not telling him it needs to change.
Dr. Willow:Mm-hmm.
Leah:Yeah.
Michelle:And then also, if you're in a scenario, like, you're in the relationship where, ah, family is a value of yours. Let's prioritize family first over, you know, this family vacation or the holidays or whatever. Are you good with that? And he says, yes, that's the green light go. And that propels you forward into the commitment phase of the relationship. That's a handshake. It's an agreement that we are connected and we're on the same page. Like you were saying
Leah:Is, are we, do I have your permission? Are we, Is this working for you? Because that's working for me. Yeah.
Michelle:That's, Willow, you were talking about I want to be understood. And when there's an agreement that we understand each other clearly and we both want the same thing, then shazam, it catapults you forward into the chemistry phase again.
Dr. Willow:Ooh. It's a cycle. Fun.
Michelle:then here you are, and let's say 20 years later, you come to Willow or me as a couple, and you're like there's gotta be something more. How do we get that agreement? And that's why I was saying I was so excited for this couple because they've come and said, we both want something more. So there was a commitment. They've gone through this incredible casual phase of their relationship, and there's an agreement that they want to go into the chemistry phase. Intrinsically, it's already happening merely by doing that.
Dr. Willow:Mm-hmm.
Michelle:So, by inspiring shared experiences together, especially new experiences together. That will catapult you forward into chemistry again. By inviting an adrenaline rush, an exciting movie, a book, a new idea, a roller coaster, an
Leah:hmm. A shared goal. Yeah. You work towards.
Michelle:We're working toward that. So experiences, adventures, volunteering for some higher level thing, or giving as a unit together. Being able to create something for someone else. All of those things push you forward as a couple into chemistry together. And all of those are based on the triad of communication. Repeated communication builds trust and ultimately that builds respect. And that's how you spiral up a relationship to uplevel it to where you'd like it to be.
Leah:I like that. Communication builds trust, which builds respect.
Dr. Willow:Mm hmm.
Leah:So, it sounds like the chemistry to casual to committed is an ongoing circuit that we are cycling through. If, when you're looking at being purposeful and intentional with having a great relationship.
Michelle:Absolutely, yes. When you're on that, it's so I talk about it as it's a cycle. It's really a spiral because you have to level through communication, trust, and respect. Sometimes what happens is that we're misaligned. There's somebody who's enjoying the chemistry phase. And the other partners, like, aren't you ready to move in? I'm ready for a commitment here. So if somebody's going 35 miles an hour and the other is going 125 miles an hour, then it's really, sometimes they'll come to me and go, how do we get
Leah:up.
Dr. Willow:Get on the same
Michelle:in alignment
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:this? Usually it's a, you know, I can help people like that on that because it's usually a misunderstanding of where, you know, red flag, yellow flag, green flag.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Michelle:Green light. But there's another thing I've tried to make it so simple in reality, we have more than one relationship going on and on in our lives. So it's a lot like Olympic rings. So the chemical chemistry casual committed, and then we also have a relationship at work and we have a relationship with our children and we have a relationship with you know, our career growth, our community,
Leah:our ex spouse we share kids with or something. Yeah.
Michelle:When you're co parenting. So it's actually a very dynamic, multifaceted entity of you and all of the relationships that you connect with. That's why my business is the art of relationship.
Leah:I
Dr. Willow:I love it. I love it. It's great branding, is super cute. You know, one other thing that I just popped into my head that I want to just put in here and then we are, you know, ladies, we could talk forever. I think we're going have Michelle back because we're we got lots more to talk
Leah:about. The hours almost up?
Dr. Willow:We didn't the topic we wanted to talk about. Yeah. So, but one of the things that I was thinking of is, you know, understanding and really knowing your core values and your partner's core values. And then you started talking about communication. It helps you communicate in their language. Like for example, my ex partner, he was, his core values were fairness and follow through. And I was like, I don't give a shit about follow through. And I learned life ain't fair. Right. They were not in alignment with me, but but when I started to learn how to communicate to him in those terms like, Oh, you know, and really like to follow through with him quickly. Like that really brought more security and safety to his experience in our relationship. So I just wanted to pop that in there.
Michelle:Yeah, I love that because then you can say, you know, I want to be understood. I want you to see, I want you to see me for who I am and where I'm at and why I've come to these decisions. What is my perspective? Would it be fair for you, you know, for us to do this, that and the other or whatever it is so that you're using the same value systems together. Which is beautiful. There's another one. I have so many clients who are very intellectually advanced and as a result are very logical. So I came up with the Obligation Richter Scale, I call it. And really if something is so valuable and important to you, you can put a value on it. And then you can, you know, share that
Leah:scale. Like a Mm
Michelle:Five, I don't care if you come tonight or not to this thingamajig that I really do want to go to. It's a seven, I'd really like for you to show up. It's our parents anniversary, it's a ten. I need you there. So putting a value to things also helps put the emphasis on it of how important it is to you or to them so that you can share that.
Leah:Yeah, that way you're making, again, you're empowering yourself and your partner to help make the best decisions, to care for each other. If they don't know that the Christmas, you know, work party is really important to them and they're going to feel like a loser if their partner doesn't come with them. You know, it's important to communicate without charge. So I feel like one of the things that the scale does is it conveys, you know, importance without going into story, without having to get an attitude or, yeah, to kind of go into this fantasy of what something means. Without just giving someone a chance to make the choice based on simplicity. Yeah.
Michelle:Right.
Dr. Willow:okay, so before we hopped on, y'all we wanted to talk to Michelle about how to create an online dating profile, and we didn't get to that at all, so Michelle, we definitely want to have you back, but we have to wrap up, so where can people find you?
Michelle:TheArtOfRelationshipping.com. At TheArtOfRelationshipping.Com you will be able to find me. I am happy to put time on my schedule for any of your listeners. You can just click Speak with Michelle. And something that you just said, I'd love to come back and chat and share any more story, any time with you. Also at The Art of Relationshipping, two Ps, because it's a verb, theartofrelationshipping.com, in the resource section, you can download the secrets to developing an online profile that really work. And it's a gift that I share with people.
Leah:Oh great!
Dr. Willow:Cool.
Leah:We'll make sure we've got that link in the show notes for everyone.
Michelle:Okay. So you've, and the secrets of happiness and how to get there. There's all kinds of great stuff in there. In addition to my number one international bestselling books and the new
Leah:is, which is, what's the name of your books that are already published?
Michelle:The two that are published and have reached international best selling status are Life Worth Living, A Practical and Compassionate Guide to Navigating Widowhood and Soul Parenting, and the professional version of Relationshipping is New Management Blueprint, How to Spark Talent, Relationshipping Night winning teams, creating valuable results and the new series that's coming out. This is the mock up of one
Dr. Willow:Oh, Find Love Now.
Leah:Congratulations, Michelle!
Dr. Willow:International Best
Leah:Yes, cool, cool, so lovely, had so much fun I, I look forward to this being the beginning of a fun relationship and get you the link to get back on the show, girlfriend, there's so much more to talk about.
Dr. Willow:Yeah, there is.
Michelle:Fantastic. I'm looking forward to sharing more and hearing more about what's going on in your life because life is better with good love in it.
Leah:On that note, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
Dr. Willow:Ciao everyone.
SxR Announcer:Now, our favorite part, the dish.
Leah:Michelle Hoffman, Dish It
Dr. Willow:a powerhouse. Oh my God. Loved
Leah:Loved her. I just was very taken with her. I felt like, Oh, she's tribe. Like she, we, we could, we have so many things that we could just talk for hours and hours over. And I loved her.
Dr. Willow:She was lovely and she had, yeah, and she had so many sort of systems in place and her body of work, which I really appreciate. And then, you know, being an author just all the, all that she's put into composition. It's like that, it takes a lot to write a book and, you know, she's written what, 4 now, I think so, and she's got 3 more on the move. So it just, it's she's rad, liked her, loved.
Leah:Also really fun when like you have someone who's designed a system that mirrors where you've had success and where you've had failures in your own journey. And so it, there's a feeling of ding, ding, like, yes. And I'm so glad you've got that in your map. And, oh, I didn't have that distinction before. Ooh, that makes everything bolsters underneath my own experience. So it's like, you have this resonance of I'm with you.
Dr. Willow:Yeah, totally. Yeah. I mean, I love that she brought core values in,'cause I think
Leah:I know.
Dr. Willow:important fucking practices a couple could do together.
Leah:Such a rich place. I loved her. I loved these four questions. Who were you before? That kind of helps you, you know, I did this a lot looking at men and doing sacred spot massage. And one of the things that I would teach new people in the teacher training or actually just you know, couples who are coming to the workshop and it'd be men's receiving night. And one of the things that I try to help women see is see him and explore all the roles he plays in his life. Like who is he as an uncle? Who is he as an ex boyfriend? Who is he as a CEO? Who is he as an employee? Like there are these roles that help shape our identity. And when you can share that you see them. And who they are and what they bring to the table in those different roles, it helps them to feel seen, it helps them to feel valued, it helps them to feel like, wow, you get me.
Dr. Willow:Well, especially if you're in the throes of a tantric session with them and you're holding their heart and you're letting them know, you're such an amazing this and that and the other God
Leah:I love how you love your mom.
Dr. Willow:Talk about penetrating a masculine heart.
Leah:I see the struggle between you and your son, you know, you're just, you're naming, and you're seeing, and you're verbalizing it. And when you're, especially when you're holding their heart, it like, it's like a vulnerability playground.
Dr. Willow:Yeah.
Leah:That might not sound like the funnest playground, but it actually is. When you're in that deep space and you're giving someone a reflection of their soul, I think it's like nothing can bond you or make you come closer. So I thought it was an interesting inquiry, right? To just sort of explore with yourself in that same way of, you know, here's, here's how people see you. Here's how you experience yourself by these roles that you identify with. And so who were you before, you know, and to have a place to point your attention, to try to answer that question. I like it.
Dr. Willow:I think, you know, I think that can be really helpful and powerful, especially for people who are just like, you know, they haven't done this kind of
Leah:work before. Yeah, they've never really explored inquiry.
Dr. Willow:Yeah. And at the same time, none of that stuff is who you actually are. You know, I like to go beyond into the,
Leah:Cause the meta is there's no identity anyways, you know? So you're right. There's, you're kind of. But that's not for the beginner.
Dr. Willow:No, no, it's not. No.
Leah:and the meta of you are not, you know, that's not who you are and there is no real identity. There's no me. There's no you. Doesn't necessarily help us find the life partner.
Dr. Willow:Right. Right. Right.
Leah:That we might be seeking.
Dr. Willow:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I think that, you know, that just helps so many more people on all levels of consciousness. I think that's what's so valuable about her work is that she's really getting to to the, any level of consciousness that you're on. You don't have to be like a super, you know, meditator and you don't have to be a super muggle. You can be anywhere in between.
Leah:And that you're, you're vacillating through these different life experiences that are shaping what you might do next, or that you don't lose sight of a dream that maybe you haven't been in touch with, because I was sort of thinking when she was speaking about this, so then who are you are now? And then who do you want to be? And so I was like, yeah. Oh, well I'm a podcaster now. Okay. I get to add that. That's a, now that's kind of fun. And then there was also like remembering that I do have a desire to be an author to, to be able to have that as a title. And, and so like there were some things that started to percolate that haven't been in my total conscious awareness that they're still like, yeah, you should reach for that. Like, so what I got was a hint of inspiration, motivation, energy, like encouragement. And so I think that doing exercises like like this has a potential to be really uplifting
Dr. Willow:Absolutely. And taking it a step further, I just created the, my most favorite vision board. I'm looking at it right now that I've ever created on. I've done a lots of vision boards. You know, I think that's like, okay, yes, I am this. I do have these things in my world already. I am appreciative. I am grateful for all of this abundance that is there. And that doesn't mean that I don't have desire and drive to get to the next level and to this next iteration of myself. So. Yeah. Weaving all that together in a visual, I think is so powerful. Or if you're not, you know, if you're not into making vision boards and cutting out the, you know, magazine pictures and words and things like that, you can do them online. I've seen people do really cool vision boards online. Yeah, I hate technology, so I would never do that. That wouldn't work for my system, you know, but then other people just writing, like writing it out, writing. story, like make up a story of what your future self as the author looks like and feels like, and you're on book tour and where are you going? And for me it would be future wife. Like I want to be married. I want to have that level of commitment in my life. You know, it's like, what does it feel like to be in that story? And to, so to really write that out, I think is so powerful.
Leah:I as you were saying that, I got a picture of going, you know, I kind of want to make a... Like a bubble chart. I would like to get out my acrylic paints and make colorful dots that represent You know the path forward and so I get was sort of thinking of like a mind dump But my color coded like I'm the one that makes the bubbles and
Dr. Willow:I
Leah:Know gives it a color and because I could like Resonate with yeah that feeling I might have a color for me. And I can like make it radiate and glow and be and reconnect myself from a visualization standpoint.
Dr. Willow:For those of you who don't know Leah as well as I do, she is a color queen. It's all about color, color, color. She does painted rock. She makes these beautiful necklaces and she fucking color codes all of our spreadsheets like nobody's biz.
Leah:The point of nausea, I know. In fact, Willow, I just I just redid. So I got it like a handful of vases. We just bought four rose bushes. Okay. And I love to float a rose in water. And so you need a certain dish to highlight the floated bloom. And so I went to the Goodwill and like probably bought seven or eight.
Dr. Willow:Dishes.
Leah:could, yeah, and I had another arrangement of flowers and you kind of need a certain mouth of a vase.
Dr. Willow:Oh, how fun.
Leah:Certain things, certain flowers. I was a florist at one point. Anywho, I had to make more space in the cupboard. So I ended up reorganizing cupboards and drawers and now I even made Dan and Elizabeth Did
Dr. Willow:you color code it?
Leah:Yes, I did. I did. Of course, darling. Hello?
Dr. Willow:Of course. course
Leah:I did a total monochromatic display and I've got three beautiful cupboards and they look so good. In fact, I forced Judith and Dan and Elizabeth, you guys will remember Dan and Elizabeth from an episode we did with them. So we'll put that in the show notes. But I said, this is for me. This isn't for you unless you want it to be, but right now you're doing this for me. Come and stand before my cupboards and let me open the doors and can we have a moment of just pleasure and visual harmony for this moment of peace?
Dr. Willow:Oh my god. And on that
Leah:a cheese ball.
Dr. Willow:we are late for a team
Leah:A very important date. So thank you, Michelle. I can't wait to continue with her. Ciao.
Dr. Willow:yeah, we're gonna have her back for sure. She was amazing.
Leah:Bye bye.
SxR Announcer:Thanks for tuning in. Leah Piper is a tantric sex master coach and a positive psychology facilitator. Dr. Willow Brown is both a Chinese and functional medicine doctor and a Taoist sexology teacher. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.