Leah & Dr. Willow: 6 Red Flags - Signs Your Relationship Is Toxic

Unhealthy relationships can slowly chip away at trust, intimacy and fulfillment. Certain destructive patterns like criticism, betrayal, and volatility create toxic dynamics between partners. How can you identify and overcome these insidious threats to the health of your relationship?

Intimacy experts Leah and Dr. Willow reveal the 6 most common unhealthy relationship patterns. Listen as they break down each problematic dynamic with real-life examples. You'll learn constructive solutions to address the core issues, reconnect and rebuild stronger bonds. Develop self-awareness around relationship pitfalls and gain actionable communication skills. Ready to connect on a deeper level? Tune in now.

YOU’LL LEARN HOW…

• Belittling erodes self-esteem
• Jealousy stems from insecurity
• Betrayal ruptures trust
• Deflection avoids accountability
• Volatility creates hostility
• Guilting manipulates covertly

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Transcript

Leah: 1:49

Hey there everybody, it is Leah Piper, your Tantra expert here at SXR.

Dr. Willow: 1:56

Yeah, and I'm Dr Willow Brown your Taoist Sexology Expert and we are so excited today to dive in with you on some of the reasons why Relationships get into trouble.

Leah: 2:09

That's right, it can get toxic, people. Have you ever found yourself in an unhealthy relationship?

Dr. Willow: 2:15

your hand Oh,

Leah: 2:17

And I'm curious. Yes, raise your hand, give a

Dr. Willow: 2:20

all hands raised out in the audience. I'm sure we've all been there and there's no shame in it. There's nothing wrong with it. It's how we learn. It's how we evolve. It's how we grow. And if we take these challenges that we're going to talk about the top six today, and if we do take these challenges, You know, and really learn from them and grow from them. Then we're going to move into our next relationship with so much more wisdom.

Leah: 2:47

Yeah, so we want you to really reflect as we go through these six categories. Does this remind you of your own experience? Is it familiar to you because of a parental experience or a relationship with a lover you've had, maybe even a best friend? These types of relationship saboteurs can happen in multiple kinds of relationship, and here at Sex Reimagined, we want to start shaking that up and make things as healthy as possible, and that's going to be Useful when creating some boundaries. So you know what to do, it's time to...

Dr. Willow: 3:21

Tune in, turn on and fall in love with Sex Reimagined.

SxR Announcer: 3:26

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Dr. Willow: 3:34

We're so excited to drop in with you today about how you can move into a more healthy, united, and connected relationship by letting go of these top six saboteurs that we see in relationships all the time. We help couples and have been for years, and these things come up. So you're probably going to feel like they're very familiar to you and you're going to want to know how to get over them. So we're excited you're here with us.

Leah: 4:03

Yeah, and as we go through them, you may not have experienced all of these in one relationship. Maybe you just experienced one, or maybe you've seen a friend be in a relationship that everyone wishes they would just break up, you know, one of those. Willow, have you had a friend like that where it's like, God, would they just break up?

Dr. Willow: 4:20

Oh, yes. And the years go by, you know, and it's painful. I mean, I was one of those people, you know. Oh, yeah, where, you know, when I got deep with my girlfriends, they'd be like, why are you staying, you know? And, you know, I would say it can be so tricky because in that particular relationship, I would call it a successful relationship. You know, it was good 80% of the time, but 80%, as it turns out, is not enough for me. And that's the real, like, measure, you know? And so if somebody is in something that's 80% good 80% of the time and that is good enough and that is right for them, then you're not going to hear about all these kind of saboteurs because they're not going to bother them the same way.

Leah: 5:03

Yeah, yeah. You know, one that is so hard on the self-esteem is belittling.

Dr. Willow: 5:10

Oh yeah.

Leah: 5:11

You know, and I think one of the ways, I think it's a more mild form of belittling, but it kind of hits the same ouch. In the, in the hurt sensitivity zone is when someone makes a joke, they're basically making fun of you, and they get to say what they really wanna say, but without being accountable to saying it. If they can dress it up in a joke...

Dr. Willow: 5:37

It's like a little backhanded, you know, smack in the face.

Leah: 5:42

It's very passive aggressive

Dr. Willow: 5:44

Very passive aggressive. And what's the word? It's very, like when someone makes a joke but it's like an underneath. It's a dig. There's a word I'm trying to think of. Can't think of it. But anyway, I watched my parents do this quite a bit, actually.

Leah: 6:02

Oh really?

Dr. Willow: 6:03

know, your first relationship is your parents relationship. And so I got to see a lot of this firsthand. And you know, I think, I don't know where belittling like comes from. Like I would say definitely jealousy, possessiveness, envy, that kind of thing comes from a lack of confidence. I feel like belittling comes more from not being really proud to be with that person, or like, really not, like, valuing that person.

Leah: 6:32

Yeah, it's also can be like a power over. It's like you're chipping away at someone. You're keeping them small. You know, there's a thing that gets petuated, which is like, you're unworthy. You're not good enough. You're a loser. You're an idiot. It's like an attitude. It can also be like with the way that they can be very critical, especially around somebody's looks or their intelligence. I feel like that's where belittling gets really ugly and is most commonly directed towards appearance and intelligence.

Dr. Willow: 7:06

Yes, and it's so mean. It's just, it's so unnecessarily mean. And you know, if it's towards looks toward a vulva owner that's going to be really detrimental on her self esteem. So of course, then she's not going to rise up to like, be this bright shining star next to you, you know? And if it's toward a man that could be equally detrimental to his confidence. But I definitely think. More toward women since there's such a you know, such an appearance heavy culture that we're living in.

Leah: 7:37

Yeah, and there's sort of like an intensity, right? Like it starts with saying, you're so lazy. And then it goes to, you're such a slob, you know. It's like there's this gradation of like, it gets uglier and uglier and then they'll, some people will do it only in private or they'll do it only in front of other people.

Dr. Willow: 7:56

Well, I, this was interesting. When I was growing up there was, always this emphasis on weight. That was where the belittling was happening, was my dad to my mom around weight issues. And so, we discovered later on, I was in my early 20s, I'd been living away from home and I was having dinner with them in Monterey and he was doing it. And I'd already written him letters about this. Like I'd gone through anorexia and all these things because of that growing up, right? And so I'd written my dad letters and told him all this stuff, like, you really need to stop doing that. And so he did, he did stop doing it. But there we were at dinner and he was doing it. And I was like, I told you already, like, we've already talked about this. And my mom kept saying like, he doesn't really do this anymore. It's weird that he's doing this right now in front of you.

Leah: 8:48

Wow. And so what was the takeaway for the family regarding that observation?

Dr. Willow: 8:55

Just fucking more consciousness, you know. Like let's be more aware and more conscious about. Why are you doing it? Because he grew up with in a family and with a mom who like fitness was really important, you know, this is my yoga grandma, the one who taught me yoga.

Leah: 9:10

Yeah. And wrote cookbooks.

Dr. Willow: 9:12

And yeah, and she was all about health consciousness, but not really for health sake. I mean, that was a piece of it, but more for like looks sake. Southern California, you know? So, so there was more of a outer layer thing going on.

Leah: 9:26

You know, I think that really points to and what I want people to take away from this show is, look, we're pointing out bad behavior and how we correct that behavior has lots of forms and that should really be left up to trained psychotherapists who have a lot more experience with this. But what that points to for me is the awareness of like, the wound keeps forward. It keeps, it travels

Dr. Willow: 9:55

it perpetuates.

Leah: 9:56

So we get to experience something that is not love and it gets repeated. And so then we do that thing and consciously, unconsciously it leaks out. And so we can have compassion down the line and we can understand. And the way to get to compassion in my experience is it's, you can't just jump to it. You have to go, how did we get here?

Dr. Willow: 10:24

Right.

Leah: 10:25

And when we realize that the person who's perpetrating the bad behavior has also been the victim.

Dr. Willow: 10:31

Hurt people hurt people.

Leah: 10:32

You have a long lasting impact. One word can have an impact on someone's entire life from from a moment of unconscious bitterness, you know.

Dr. Willow: 10:44

Yeah, and if you are being belittled within the relationship, take responsibility for that and say, hey, that's not very nice. Hey, that hurts my feelings. Hey, I'm asking you to stop doing that. Hey, this is a boundary for me and it is a requirement that you stop doing that because if you don't, at some point, it is going to be the undoing of this relationship.

Leah: 11:08

You

Dr. Willow: 11:08

not a request.

Leah: 11:10

It's reminding me of that recent interview we did with the Emotion Codes, which is a great question could be before you get to the boundary place is what's happening for you when you say that to me?

Dr. Willow: 11:24

Connection

Leah: 11:25

Codes. Yeah, what's happening for you when you say that, when you say that to me? What are you after?

Dr. Willow: 11:31

Love that.

Leah: 11:31

Yeah. Okay, so, oh, you know where else I think belittling kind of slips into the dynamic is when we emasculate or objectify.

Dr. Willow: 11:41

Oh, for sure. You're not doing enough. You're not this enough. You're not that enough. It's why, why would we do that? Let's lift each other up. That's what partnership's all about. We want to really help them step into their greatness more.

Leah: 11:55

yeah,

Dr. Willow: 11:56

A partner one time, it was always, it was like a bowl in a china shop, just like everywhere we went, just like knocking into shit constantly. It was just like, at first I was like, okay, I had a lot of patience for it, you know? And then after years, I was like, it was annoying.

Leah: 12:11

yeah,

Dr. Willow: 12:12

It was like, I had to bite my tongue to not, you know, criticize.

Leah: 12:16

Right.

Dr. Willow: 12:17

But I did. I bit my tongue. So that's sometimes what you have to do if somebody has an annoying habit or they're annoying in some way. I mean, we all have annoying things that we bring into relationships.

Leah: 12:27

Yeah, I mean, I think where I see people belittling themselves, because I think where belittling happens a lot is to ourselves more so than to other people.

Dr. Willow: 12:37

Usually no one's going to be meaner to you than you.

Leah: 12:40

Yeah, and food tends to be like this common area where people think if I shame myself or I'm super critical about certain foods that I like, then it'll somehow make me more disciplined. If I can be as mean as possible to myself, then somehow it will help me control my indulgent ways of being. I mean, I see my husband do this a lot and I'm like, you can't... Do this to me. Shame yourself all you want, but I will not allow you to shame me or me shame myself around food issues. Like, that's a really dangerous

Dr. Willow: 13:17

territory. It's a big boundary for you.

Leah: 13:19

I have lived with it for so long. It doesn't work. It is a false promise. So, you know, belittle, belittle in your own head. Do not belittle out loud. But ideally don't belittle it all because honestly, this food thing, like trying to make food bad is, it does not work. They've even studied it. It doesn't work. It's not a viable solution.

Dr. Willow: 13:42

It's not good for anyone. It causes food anxiety. It causes indigestion. It causes all the things that you're trying not to have happen when you're, you know, it's just a pigeonhole. away.

Leah: 13:52

If you really want something, but you know, you shouldn't eat it, then just say, I know I can have that, but I'm not going to have it right.

Dr. Willow: 13:58

Yeah. It's just a choice you make in every moment.

Leah: 14:00

I'll have it some other time. Okay. Moving on. Let's get, let's go to jealousy and possessiveness.

Dr. Willow: 14:06

Okay. Yes. Big one. Big, big, big. Now, I have a history, not anymore, but a history of attracting jealous partners. And I, myself, have never really experienced too much jealousy until a little bit in the last year or so. And God, it's an uncomfortable emotion. It feels horrible. I feel so bad. I mean, now that I've felt it more deeply in the last year, I have so much more compassion for my partners who were feeling it. But yeah, it was definitely, it turned into control things like, you know, like, why are you going to spend time with that guy friend? And oh, you're now you have a new guy friend, you know, it's just, so there's a lot of that kind of stuff going on. I'm like, I'm allowed to have friends with penises. It's not a big deal. They're just people. But I think this jealousy thing really, really stems from just a lack of feeling secure within self and the relationship usually. You know, there's some kind of insecurity within yourself. And then if there's a reason to be insecure, like if your partner is, you know out there flirting relentlessly with everyone then yeah, you might have a reason to feel jealous. And then that's a deeper conversation to have but if there is a lack of security inside of you and what I've noticed is that like with clients and stuff is that this lack of security can come from not feeling secure within the relationship, but also not feeling secure financially in life, not feeling secure in home, not feeling secure with with family stuff. So there or health stuff. So some of these big,

Leah: 15:51

Not feeling secure in their desirability.

Dr. Willow: 15:53

Yes, yes, so there's different sectors of life that can feed into this not feeling secure, which will bloom into jealousy.

Leah: 16:03

Yeah, I see it too. Like, A if the person doesn't trust themselves and has cheated and has been one of those people that hasn't been able to remain in integrity to their word and with agreements within relationship, they have a way of projecting that under their partners. And they don't trust anyone because they know they're not trustworthy. So that can be a real vicious cycle and be so painful. I also see jealousy arise when there was a parent that cheated on the other parent consistently, and it was always a disruptor in the family home. And there was someone always grieving and feeling betrayed. I think that adds to a lot of jealous instincts. And then there's when you know something ain't right, is off. And you look like the jealous one but it's because you have a fifth sense that knows when there are lies in the field. And you know a good liar tells a lie with some truth in it. And so when you've got lies and lies and lies packed into these packages where there's truth where you cannot refute it 100% or you don't have all the pieces to show the sin so to speak then you're just you're feeling crazy and a lot of people take advantage of that and will gaslight that person and make them feel like they're crazy for thinking that way when really there's probably something not an integrity happening that person's picking up on. That can be a unique case where someone feels jealous and they probably have a reason to. But then you just have the possessive. jealous monster that comes out and is so controlling.

Dr. Willow: 17:54

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, so what's the antidote then to jealousy and possessiveness?

Leah: 18:00

Well, I can say that I think it really helps to realize that with a lot of jealousy, it's really just the fear of being left out. We all just want to be invited. We want to be included. And it stems from being little kids. Kids are cruel, by the way. People think babies and kids are so cute, but they're really mean. And I think this is where some of these jealous wounds and some of these negative things that we're

Dr. Willow: 18:26

Well, and also, we can isolate ourselves with, from groups. I mean, I think I kind of grew up doing that. You know, like, oh, how come I'm not included? Because I'm not including myself. I'm not stepping up and just being a part of the team. You know, whatever.

Leah: 18:38

That's actually one of, you're right. That's a cure to jealousy. A lot of the time is don't wait for someone to include you. You include yourself. You make yourself a part of it. that gives you the control back, that gives you the power back, that way you're not just sitting there waiting for someone to care enough, you know, everyone's just obsessed with themselves.

Dr. Willow: 18:57

Yeah, that's so true. Okay. So let's talk betrayal. Cause that goes right hand in hand with jealousy and possessiveness. And I've been really fortunate myself to have never been cheated on and to have never cheated in any real big way. I mean, maybe kisses here and there, but that doesn't bother me too much. So,

Leah: 19:19

yeah. Me too actually. I think because I, my parents, you know, had broke up pretty much over an affair of, although I think that was just the catalyst. I think that the things that drew the line in the sand were not the affair. I think the affair was forgivable, but when I look at the big picture there was definitely a betrayal there. There was a lot of betrayal. Betrayal was the root. The things that happened, you know? I don't know. I don't know. Betrayal is tricky. I don't have a deep experience of betrayal in my own life so much. I've watched betrayal hurt others.

Dr. Willow: 19:55

I did feel it recently and more than I ever had before and you know, it was like, it's like when somebody says they're going to do something or they're going to show up in a certain way and they're so present with you and they're speaking it so deeply and you're like, okay, you're going to show up in this way. You're going to be there in this way. All right. You got this. I got this. We're going to do this. And then they just skate. They're just gone. They just completely do not follow through on that at all. Doesn't always have to be overt, I cheated on someone.

Leah: 20:30

No, that's a really good point. I think where I have felt betrayed, now that you added that distinction, the door just opened up for me and broken promises feel like betrayal.

Dr. Willow: 20:42

Not a good good feeling.

Leah: 20:44

Yeah, I've had that happen a couple times in business where it was like this was promised and then, you know, 15 years later it was pulled away and that, that felt like a big betrayal. I think also when someone tells your secrets. That feels like a really big betrayal.

Dr. Willow: 21:03

I'm quite bad at that, y'all, so don't tell me your secrets.

Leah: 21:10

Yeah, preface telling secrets with, put it in the vault, okay? This is for the vault, yeah.

Dr. Willow: 21:16

You really got to do that with certain people because they might not value secrets. I don't care if everyone reads my open book, you know, so it's not a huge value for me. But I think that one of the places where like actual overt betrayal where someone cheats on the other person it's almost like it's, yes, I don't trust you anymore. And what are you going to do to earn my trust back? But also, I don't know if I trust myself with you anymore, because I thought where we were at and where we were going was, you know, what I thought it was, and it's not. So I don't know if I can trust my own thoughts. I think that's

Leah: 21:56

Or my own judgment. Like, is my judgment not accurate? Am I, what other mistakes am I making? If I can't trust you, who else is betraying me? And will I be able to pick something better for myself later? You know, I think a lot of people go through a lot of self doubt in those

Dr. Willow: 22:15

moments. Yeah. It's really... Betrayal can really, really shake your sense of faith and your sense of trust. And if it wasn't strong to begin with, it can be a hard climb up the mountain to trusting yourself again. And I... I would say, you know, the antidote and one of the things that you can do to really regroup and come back to center and come back to your sense of faith and trust is pray, whatever that looks like for you. It could be meditation or it could be, you know, painting rocks as Leah likes to do. It could be.

Leah: 22:48

It's a little bit of escapism.

Dr. Willow: 22:50

Swimming, it could be whatever, whatever your like prayer or your meditation is, you know, your connection to spirit, that's what you want to do is you want to build that connection to spirit. Actually, just last night was at a show and I was talking with my girlfriend, and she was like, because I'm in this new relationship and she was like, well, do you trust him? I was like, Oh my God, I'm going head over heels here. And she's like, well, do you trust him? And I was like, yes, I do trust him. But then I was like, I, here's what I trust. Here's what I really trust. I trust that I'm not going to go through that same betrayal that knocked me on my ass over the winter again, like the universe. I trust the universe isn't going to put me through that again. So I don't know how much I trust him and I trust myself with him because of that deep betrayal that I'm still climbing my way out of, but I do trust the universe. And so the things that get me back into that connection with spirit are the things that make me trust myself and him more and more and more.

Leah: 23:55

Yeah, and I think when you're looking at betrayal from someone else. It's a call for pruning in your life. You know, like, a plant does so much better when you prune the little dead leaves or the little flowers that are dead that are just drooping and draining energy from that plant. And so if you can do some pruning, it just helps everything come back to life. And then you have to realize this isn't about you. It's about them. And even if they betrayed you, it's probably not personal either. It's their shit. And so I think we, when we're the center of our universe, we tend to think that it's always all about us. When studies have shown that for a lot of infidelity. You know, the ultimate betrayal, some people would say. It's the person who's doing the cheating. It's not so much that they want to cheat on their lover. It's that there's another lover that's helping them feel this lost part inside of them it's irresistible to feel that part of them come alive again and If we can understand it, then I think some of the grief is like, okay, this isn't because I'm not attractive anymore. I'm not interesting anymore. You're not in love with me anymore. It's that you just found a part of yourself. And so let's come back home and see what's left as a result of that choice you made.

Dr. Willow: 25:17

Yeah.

Leah: 25:18

But it's not because you weren't good enough.

Dr. Willow: 25:20

yeah. So to kind of separate your persona from the actual experience of betrayal and just kind of, it's just something that happened and what are you learning from it? What are they learning from it?

Leah: 25:32

I mean, probably, if told to me at the wrong time, I'd want to punch somebody, but maybe it's the right time for someone out there to hear it. And that is, well, I got a couple of funny sayings. One is, it's not happening to you, it's happening for you. And so if there's a betrayal happening that has been uncovered, how is this happening for you? Well, how is this going to open the door to other realms that are going to make you happier? The other one I always love is, a man's rejection is God's protection, honey.

Dr. Willow: 26:03

Well, I love it when you say it with that southern

Leah: 26:05

accent. Well, thank you. Thank you. A woman's rejection is

Dr. Willow: 26:10

a man's

Leah: 26:11

God's protection, brother. And I really actually believe that if someone has betrayed you, it's because it's like, hey, here's a big warning that goes, this is not your, you're worthy of being surrounded with people who are of a higher loving vibration. And you got to trim the fat

Dr. Willow: 26:31

Yeah. Sometimes do.

Leah: 26:32

As we say in the kitchen.

Dr. Willow: 26:35

Let's move on.

Leah: 26:36

right.

Dr. Willow: 26:36

Deflecting responsibility. This is like,

Leah: 26:39

Oh, this is a big one.

Dr. Willow: 26:41

Yeah, there's so many layers to those because there's like not taking emotional responsibility and then there's not taking responsibility for, you know, tasks that like household things. There's not taking responsibility for financial things. There's so

Leah: 26:55

There's deflecting conversations and, you know,

Dr. Willow: 27:00

Deflecting.

Leah: 27:01

big one. It's, I find

Dr. Willow: 27:02

like being ignored. It's a little rude.

Leah: 27:05

you know, and a lot of people somehow are raised with this idea that, like, they refuse to say they're sorry, as if, like, I'm sorry is such a big fucking deal in their world.

Dr. Willow: 27:18

I was raised to say I'm sorry. That was the thing my parents were like, you need to say you're sorry.

Leah: 27:23

And I'm a big, I'm a big believer in, I'm sorry. And and Matt was like, don't say, don't just say you're sorry, just to say you're sorry. Like, if you say you're sorry, that's a promise. You're never going to do it again. I'm like, no, it's not. It is. I take responsibility for this regrettable experience and exchange between the two of us, but it is not a promise to be perfect. And I'm pretty sure I'll be saying, sorry.

Dr. Willow: 27:51

Again.

Leah: 27:52

days.

Dr. Willow: 27:52

Yeah.

Leah: 27:55

And I do know that people are like, really don't like people just throwing away the word, I'm sorry, because then it's like, are you really? Your actions speak louder than words. So there's some place in the middle that you have to be congruent with. You can't just go, I'm sorry, and then never change. But,

Dr. Willow: 28:13

Let's talk about deflecting emotional responsibility. Can you think of an example?

Leah: 28:20

well, you know, I think it, you can kind of bring it back to the love languages a little bit, and in particular with people whose love language is gifts. If your love language is gifts, and that's a way that really opens your heart is when people are thoughtful, or they remember, or they do these little gestures that kind of show like, hey, I'm really thinking of you. And I was really thinking of you specifically. When you're the type of person who doesn't value gifts, Then you're likely to forget big deals like birthdays and anniversaries and some holidays. And so I think there's a lack of emotional responsibility in that. It's like you are in partnership with someone who gets great joy in thinking about what to give someone else that would bring joy to their day or that would soften their heart or that would just brighten their day in some form or fashion and that is something that they what's the word? Bask in. And if you can't Explore what that's like for your partner You're really missing out. You're you know? And so to develop a certain kind of emotional thread between you and your lover to get curious to go What happens for you when you get this from me? When I remember to make reservations, what's that like for you? I think that's a piece regarding emotional responsibility that really matters in partnership. If that's a value to your

Dr. Willow: 29:56

partner. If that's a value. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I always think of too, like, like when you're, maybe you've had a discord with your partner and they're you know, and you're coming to them and you're like, Hey, I want to talk about this issue that we just keep having over and over again. And I want to, you know, I want to take responsibility for my part in it and here's where I think your part is in it,,right?

Leah: 30:24

it gets a little

Dr. Willow: 30:25

And then they can be like, no, that's not my part in it. You know, I, I don't do that. I don't. And sometimes it can be just a wall, a fucking wall that just doesn't go away for years.

Leah: 30:37

Yeah. And I think that's there. There's that part of like deflecting responsibility where it's like. You're in, you've created together an upset, and it takes two to play in that, and to think that it's always someone else's fault. You know, one of the things I loved in my relationship with Charles is with every disruption or regrettable moment, as the Gottmans like to say, he would say, I'm sorry for my part, and I forgive you for yours.

Dr. Willow: 31:07

Oh, that's very simple and clear. I

Leah: 31:09

very simple and clear, it's like, Hey, you know, I'm sorry for the part I played in this and I'm

Dr. Willow: 31:15

I

Leah: 31:15

already going to forgive you for your part. And

Dr. Willow: 31:21

I love that. That's

Leah: 31:22

so I think just like a commitment to that, a commitment to go, and I think this is like such a relationship goldmine is when you can take a pause. And your partner is mad at you for you doing something to just instead of going immediately to deflecting responsibility to just sit with it and ask yourself Can I find it?

Dr. Willow: 31:45

Yeah.

Leah: 31:46

Can I find where they're right? And they may not be right for that instance that they're bugging you about. But you can probably find it where you've done it before

Dr. Willow: 31:54

Yeah.

Leah: 31:55

and so if you can just find it kills the fight right there. When I just say you know what? can find it.

Dr. Willow: 32:04

Mm hmm.

Leah: 32:04

I can find it. That sucks.

Dr. Willow: 32:07

Yeah,

Leah: 32:08

And then they like, there's nothing to fight

Dr. Willow: 32:09

Softens everything. Could you feel that just now, everyone? It was like everything just softened when she said that. I was like, oh yeah, okay. There's more openness. There's more receptivity available. It's like, okay, now we can actually move forward. The wall has just been removed between us. Now we can actually, Connect. And, you know, and sometimes you do need to pause at that point, just like let it be for, let that pause and that moment of the wall being gone be there for a second before you keep talking about it. Because sometimes you're like, okay, good we removed the wall. Let's keep moving forward. And it turns into another argument. So.

Leah: 32:45

Or it's like, yeah, I can find it, but you know what else I can find? I can find how you...

Dr. Willow: 32:51

Da da da da da da da. Yeah, I think this is really, really where nonviolent communication comes in super, super handy. You know, where you are taking responsibility by using particular languages. Particular words to communicate, you know, my part in this is, and I'm sorry for my da da da. Really taking ownership.

Leah: 33:14

It's also amazing to watch someone just go on this rampage of denial. You know, it's like, I did not do, do, do, do, do. It's like, okay, you did because you're drunk.

Dr. Willow: 33:25

Ha ha ha. Yeah,

Leah: 33:26

You got lipstick on your collar. We can smell the perfume. Like you are clearly like, you know, at some point

Dr. Willow: 33:34

you

Leah: 33:34

no one's believing your story. So yeah, deflecting responsibility. What about volatility?

Dr. Willow: 33:41

Want to do volatility? We'll do volatility and guilting. Those are the last two. So, so far, to recap, we've done belittling, we've done jealousy and possessiveness. Those go hand in hand. We did betrayal, which is also very much tied in deflecting responsibility, and we're going to do two more. Volatility and guilting.

Leah: 34:01

Yeah. So volatility. I have lived with this in my life a lot. I mean, I think I grew up with a dad who was really volatile. I had grandparents who were really volatile.

Dr. Willow: 34:12

Mmm.

Leah: 34:13

And

Dr. Willow: 34:15

did that do for, to your nervous system?

Leah: 34:19

It was scary.

Dr. Willow: 34:20

It

Leah: 34:20

It was just, it was like, it was scary. It was a big, it was loud. It felt dangerous. It was a lot of like duck and cover kind of fear vibes.

Dr. Willow: 34:35

You had to protect yourself a lot.

Leah: 34:37

I, yeah, I feel like I had to get small and get little right away. Don't be the object of the upset if at all possible. And then there came a point where it was like, fuck that, I'm gonna match it. And then it became a challenge. It was like, you're not gonna fucking bully me, and you're not gonna bully anyone else in here. I will go after your ass, you know, like I'll take the beating.

Dr. Willow: 35:00

How old were you when that

Leah: 35:01

down.

Dr. Willow: 35:04

How

Leah: 35:04

I got my head wagging back and forth. Woo! See, I'm dropping shit here in the room. I start getting heated up. And that's probably why I can be volatile is because there was something that in the fight, flight, or freeze thing, when I got big enough, I'd still get my ass kicked, but I got big enough where I didn't have to freeze anymore.

Dr. Willow: 35:27

So

Leah: 35:27

And Then I, the energy, the rage, there was a suppressed rage of having to be so kind of controlled and suppressed and trying to make everybody happy. When I saw that after like 10 years that wasn't working, that I decided to join them.

Dr. Willow: 35:47

At what point did that shift for you?

Leah: 35:50

Which part?

Dr. Willow: 35:51

Like where you were like, I'll stay small versus like, no, I'm going to step

Leah: 35:56

I think I was probably more of a teenager, probably around 15 and 16. I think I just got, Yeah. and I was ready to push back on the patriarchy. I was, I just had like that teenage angst where I wasn't going to take it anymore. And I was going to exert my independence.

Dr. Willow: 36:15

Well, the teen years really are the biggest metamorphosis that we go through. So that's a great time to make the switch. I think a lot of people make the switch on how they keep themselves safe at that point.

Leah: 36:28

Yeah, and I don't know our, if our if our pattern strategy episode will be released before this is, but it really, I think, is another place where I developed the comp merger persona because I went from make everybody happy to no, that's not working, I'm going to be aggressive.

Dr. Willow: 36:49

Yeah.

Leah: 36:50

Because that's the only way to get safe here. And and so then I really took that on for a spin. And now it's easy for me to, when I feel really righteous, because it was also very connected to the feeling of righteousness. If I feel overly righteous about something, I can easily slip into that aggressive, big, volatile, everybody duck and cover, because Leah can't contain the energy that's starting to crackle.

Dr. Willow: 37:17

Yeah. You know, I

Leah: 37:18

I always call it intensity. I hope it's not volatility.

Dr. Willow: 37:23

Well, I mean, that's a good distinction too. I think that's just different ends of the spectrum, you know. But I do definitely see in my clientele, in my own family dynamic, in relationships and friends, when volatility is present, cause it wasn't huge in my upbringing, but I see it in life now and when it does come up. Throws people right into their protective pattern faster than anything.

Leah: 37:52

Yeah, it sure does! Oh my god, it's

Dr. Willow: 37:55

crazy. It's

Leah: 37:56

it not be? Because volatility is related to violence. And so, I mean, No, you're totally in

Dr. Willow: 38:05

Protection.

Leah: 38:06

Everyone, yeah.

Dr. Willow: 38:07

I can think of

Leah: 38:08

It's dangerous.

Dr. Willow: 38:09

Yep. I can think of some moments when it, when volatility would arise as I was a child. And I would definitely go into pattern. I would want to leave. And I would. I would leave, you know. I would flee. So, what a, what an interesting thing. And I think if you are someone who knows that they are bringing volatility forward in a relationship, there's some really deep work there for you. There's some really powerful medicine in that. Why are you doing that? What's underneath it? Is it part of your upbringing? And that's what is exemplified to you. And how do you want to go about healing that? I would say plant medicine work for that kind

Leah: 38:47

yeah Yes, oh Yeah, I would also second that recommendation. I think also like this thing about volatility. How can you make distinctions of are you in relationship with someone who's volatile versus, let's say, intense

Dr. Willow: 39:05

Mm

Leah: 39:05

Is you're going to have a lot of this sort of slamming down, like there's actions of like cacophony around you, it's not just that they are sort of exploding outward with their voice, they're exploding against furniture, they are cascading forward. Actively being somewhat violent in the space. They may not be hitting anyone or they could be, but they might be hitting furniture or throwing shit around or slamming stuff down. You know, there's a aggressive way with which they're stomping and slamming doors and being really disruptive to convey how big the emotion is that they're running.

Dr. Willow: 39:41

Yeah.

Leah: 39:42

And yeah, it's just, you're putting everybody in a state of fear and fight or fly and cortisol's running through their sweet little nervous systems.

Dr. Willow: 39:51

It is no bueno. Don't do that. It's not nice.

Leah: 39:56

Definitely get some support because that doesn't easily go away either. Like that's something that needs to be processed out and needs to be healed up and that takes some professional

Dr. Willow: 40:06

It does. Yeah, I get some guidance on that for sure. And if you need help finding guidance, reach out. I definitely have lots of resources for that.

Leah: 40:15

Yeah guilting, whoo, this one is subtle sometimes and not so subtle other times.

Dr. Willow: 40:24

Guilt is such a especially around sexuality and, you know, intent in intimacy and relationships, like it is a big trigger, big, big trigger. I think because of our cultural influence and the religious influence on our culture. also if one parent was more of a guilt tripper for you as a child, then you will probably attract partners, who do that to you too. I seen

Leah: 40:52

sister it over and over. I've

Dr. Willow: 40:54

been in it, yes, and

Leah: 40:56

Today I'm southern. Have you noticed? Am I doing this

Dr. Willow: 40:58

you girl, you bring out your southern girl any and all time you want and you do it quite a lot and I love it.

Leah: 41:06

I do love my little inner southern side. Yeah, I noticed that too. It seems like it's, it seems very dominant with women. The guilting gene.

Dr. Willow: 41:19

I think it goes for

Leah: 41:20

the child. You think fathers do it a lot? Yes, I suppose fathers do it too.

Dr. Willow: 41:26

I don't think it's gender specific. I

Leah: 41:28

Okay. Yeah,

Dr. Willow: 41:29

I mean, maybe it is more because of the feminine being so overtly like, you know, shamed around their bodies and their sexuality and all of that.

Leah: 41:37

But like, you know, it's like the mother is like, Oh, you didn't come and see me.

Dr. Willow: 41:41

Yeah,

Leah: 41:42

to you anymore. What about this? What about that? Don't you love me? You don't love me. No one ever pays attention to me. I don't matter. You know?

Dr. Willow: 41:54

Very different than shaming. Yeah, and so I think that's

Leah: 41:59

That does not get you love is when you make somebody feel bad for not doing something for you, for not being thoughtful enough, for not remembering something that I, yeah, I'm, I didn't, I wasn't raised with a lot of that. I mean, there was the whole stay a virgin thing, but that summed it up.

Dr. Willow: 42:21

hmm. Okay. Yeah. Well if you

Leah: 42:22

That was a big one.

Dr. Willow: 42:24

With a religion in your world, you know, I grew up going to church every Sunday. I went to church and I mean the guilt, and then the guilt

Leah: 42:34

but I'm like, I can't get this

Dr. Willow: 42:36

Being a certain way. There was just always so much pressure, especially I think growing up in Southern California for me, just so much pressure on you've got to be a certain way. You've got to look a certain way. You've got to eat certain food. Da da da da da da. I mean, there's a lot of guilt around food. We self guilt around food, you know, instead of just enjoying that gluten free cookie that I ate this afternoon.

Leah: 42:57

Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Willow: 42:58

Was I sitting there with some guilt? You know, I actually enjoyed it pretty good, but you have to overcome that guilt. You have to overcome that childhood sort of ingrained cultural. Yes. Like get that little guilt monster inside of you and shake them up and say, what do you really need? What do you really want? You

Leah: 43:16

Well, I always think of, like, I always feel bad for people who are married and they have the worst in laws. You know, they're just like the guilt trip and you feel like they don't make seeing them enjoyable. And then they guilt you to high heaven because you'd, you know, no one wants to hang out with you because you're always guilting everybody all the time. And criticizing or critical and are picking at things. I have the best in laws.

Dr. Willow: 43:40

Oh, I'm happy

Leah: 43:41

I want everyone to have good in laws. That love their mother in law.

Dr. Willow: 43:45

Oh,

Leah: 43:46

love my mother in law. I love that my husband's a mama's boy.

Dr. Willow: 43:49

Ah, I love

Leah: 43:50

That's beautiful.

Dr. Willow: 43:51

It's awesome.

Leah: 43:52

Yeah. So also like be the good in law. You wish you had.

Dr. Willow: 43:58

Yes.

Leah: 43:59

Consider getting underneath that guilt tripper.

Dr. Willow: 44:01

Yes. Kill them with kindness, as they say. So with my friends, let us know how these six top saboteurs in relationship have affected you in your own life. Are they affecting you currently? No shame in that. We're all in the middle of something here.

Leah: 44:22

We all got some of this. Yeah, the six unhealthy relationship signs of going hmm,

Dr. Willow: 44:28

We want

Leah: 44:30

let's make this better.

Dr. Willow: 44:31

And if you have some great strategies to overcome them, like maybe you've had these in your past relationships but you don't have them now, let us know that too so we can share that with everyone else.

Leah: 44:42

Yeah, like how did you overcome belittling, volatility, jealousy and possessiveness? How did you overcome the guilting, the betrayal, the deflecting responsibility? How did you and your partner or your best friend or a family member resolve some of these heavy hitters? Because I think I think it's possible.

Dr. Willow: 45:03

definitely possible. Definitely possible. And you have to believe that in order to make that so. What did I hear the other day? It was a great little adage. It was like, if you think it's going to be one way, it's going to be that way. And if you think it's going to be another way, it's going to be that way. So your beliefs and your thoughts are very powerful.

Leah: 45:22

You know, I was telling someone today about the appreciation piece. It's like, man, you're just sitting there. You're like, my life is so shitty. I'm suffering

Dr. Willow: 45:29

Yes,

Leah: 45:30

It's like, yes, it's appreciating, darling. All of it's

Dr. Willow: 45:33

Appreciate all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. Appreciate all of it because you are the center of it. You co created it with the universe. So look how fucking powerful you

Leah: 45:45

are. Yeah, and you may not be able to change it today, but what you can do is probably look towards someone that you could cultivate, you know, some friendship with, some trust, some safety with, so that you've got someone to talk to about it. And then you might be able to find another person who can help you make a step out of it.

Dr. Willow: 46:03

Absolutely. And you know what? Sometimes this is not just like a mind over matter thing. You've got to check in with your body too. If you're under resourced in your body, if your hormones are out of balance, you're going to need support physically as well in order to overcome these saboteurs.

Leah: 46:19

Yeah, but you're worth it. So we're here for you. Love,

Dr. Willow: 46:22

love, you!

46:24

Thanks for tuning in. Leah Piper is a Tantric sex master coach and a positive psychology facilitator. Dr. Willow Brown is both a Chinese and functional medicine doctor and a Taoist sexology teacher. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.