Armed with a decade of experience, Christine Earthart, a remarkable relationship coach who co-founded the Center for Thriving Relationships with her husband Brett joined us today to share her insights into how couples can navigate conflicts, understand each other's needs better, and establish healthier communication patterns.
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS EPISODE INCLUDED
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Leah & Willow's King & Queen of Hearts Intimacy Toolkit is on sale. Use Coupon Code KINGANDQUEEN10 for 10% off. https://www.sexreimagined.com/the-king-and-queen-of-hearts
Awaken Arousal Oil Lubricant "I had a 3-minute orgasm and then a 5-minute orgasm." - Beth https://exploreforia.com/awaken-so?irclickid=wyXW6byI5xyNWouwIoQAUS1GUkAx4m1JsS6bSc0&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=Impact&utm_campaign=Sex%20Reimagined&utm_c
SxR Hotline | SxR Website | YouTube | TikTok | Pinterest | Instagram | Dr. Willow's Website | Leah's Website
Armed with a decade of experience, Christine Earthart, a remarkable relationship coach who co-founded the Center for Thriving Relationships with her husband Brett joined us today to share her insights into how couples can navigate conflicts, understand each other's needs better, and establish healthier communication patterns.
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS EPISODE INCLUDED
EPISODE LINKS *some links below may also be affiliate links
Leah & Willow's King & Queen of Hearts Intimacy Toolkit is on sale. Use Coupon Code KINGANDQUEEN10 for 10% off. https://www.sexreimagined.com/the-king-and-queen-of-hearts
Awaken Arousal Oil Lubricant "I had a 3-minute orgasm and then a 5-minute orgasm." - Beth https://exploreforia.com/awaken-so?irclickid=wyXW6byI5xyNWouwIoQAUS1GUkAx4m1JsS6bSc0&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=Impact&utm_campaign=Sex%20Reimagined&utm_c
SxR Hotline | SxR Website | YouTube | TikTok | Pinterest | Instagram | Dr. Willow's Website | Leah's Website
Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast. I am Leah Piper, your Tantra co host.
Willow:And I'm Dr. Willow Brown, your Taoist expert here at Sex Reimagined. Today we interviewed the one and only Christine Earthheart, who is the co founder of the Center for Thriving Relationships, along with her amazing husband, um, where she adores helping couples create the kind of love they've always wanted. And we had so much fun chatting with Christine. What a shining, shimmering light of of information. I love all the different pieces that they weave together inside of their coaching certification program.
Leah:Yeah. Among other programs. In fact, I highly recommend her podcast, Thriving Relationships. Be sure you check that out after this episode. And, uh, while you're at it, check out the episode featuring Willow and I. I know you'll love that one too. So without further ado, let's just totally delight in this whimsical, darling, wise, sparkly woman. So you know what to do, y'all.
Willow:Tune in, turn on, and fall in love with Christine Earthheart.
Announcer:Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.
Willow:Welcome, Christine Earthheart. We're so excited to have you here. We just got to be on your podcast the other day and now we get to have you on ours. It's so much fun and Christine Earthheart is, um, just a wealth of information when it comes to how to be in right relationships. So we're, we're stoked to have you.
Christine:Thank you so much for having me here and for sharing so much goodness in our podcast. Can't wait to share that with our community too.
Leah:You know, Christine, I'm really curious how you and your husband Brett got into being relationship coaches and really helping people on the path to love.
Christine:Yeah, so happy to share. So Brett and I have been together over 20 years now. And before we met, we both had done lots of personal growth and we're on like our spiritual journey. And I never thought that I would be someone who would like get into an argument about something like the dishes. Like even growing up, my nickname was Toodalooer cause I just kind of like went with the flow. Wow, relationships are so uniquely humbling because we, so we got into partnership and before we even met, we both were writing in our journals to this person that we would someday meet, so it was kind of cosmic when we came together, and I remember feeling more seen than I ever had in my entire life. Um, it was such a beautiful sort of Homecoming in being together. And then fast forward a few years and we own a home together and we're co parenting our young son, so my bonus son. And we're discovering that we have differences in how clean we like the house, in how prepared we like to be, how we like to plan ahead or not plan ahead, um, about parenting finances, we're attracted to other people, so life got really Real, and it got really challenging. We had a lot of wonderful moments and some really hard ones, and we just found that we were repeating the same conversation over and over and without finding a way out, and we really started to wonder if our differences were just too great and we were really just too incompatible. So one night on the couch that I'll never ever forget, we turned and looked at each other and we realized, like, this isn't bringing out our best. Our ultimate commitment was always, like, we're going to stay together as long as this is really in our highest good. And so we decided that night we could either just kind of keep doing things how we had been hoping that they would get better. And we realized, like, gosh, if we took that path, we're probably going to be back here in about five years, still having these same conversations. Or we could just bless each other on our separate paths. And we really seriously consider that, um, because we've done lots of personal growth and, you know, we're like, well, gosh, you know, like this, this isn't really working in the way that we want it to, or we could dive in and learn everything we could about relationships. Because even though we've done lots of personal growth, it's like an entirely unique skillset and one that we hadn't ever really focused on. So that night we ordered this tall stack of Books, at the time it was like DVD courses and CDs and we devoted every Friday night to what we called Conscious Date Night. So we just committed every Friday night, we would learn and grow and apply new things to our relationship. And then we started attending couples retreats around the country and got support and our relationship utterly transformed. It was like turning the lights on and we suddenly could find the way back to each other's hearts and understand what was going on underneath the surface of those things that we really misunderstood. So it was extraordinary and I never planned on doing this like as part of my purpose and calling in the world but really once we experienced our own transformation we couldn't not share it. Because we saw so many couples around us who were struggling and suffering unnecessarily like kind, well intentioned, people who were like successful and other. Life domains, relationships, we just don't learn anywhere. As you know, you know, most people don't learn anywhere, um, how to uniquely navigate relationships and they bring everything to the surface. Any part of us that needs love, attention, healing, more consciousness, whatever it might be. So I have fallen wildly in love with this work and now we are in the absolute marriage of our dreams and, um, we've now, we opened the Center for Thriving Relationships over 12 years ago now and just so, so, so grateful to do this work. It's such an honor.
Leah:can you share a little, like, tool or tip or an aha from that, like, original breakthrough experience of going, oh my gosh, we're finding our path back to each other. What is, what is, what is one of those morsels, treasures you can maybe share with the audience that really served the two of you?
Christine:Mmm, so happy to share. Thanks for asking. So, uh, well, one thing that's so common, so when we fall in love with someone, we can really easily see their essence and strengths. I mean, in some ways, right, we're just like on love drugs and can't see them clearly. But in other ways, I find we can see them even more clearly because it's not going through the filter of our own fears and our own wounding and our own, longings and needs, we're able to see them purely. And so when Brett and I first fell in love, I just saw him. He was like this Zen man. So he's been a psychotherapist in the emergency department. He's just able to maintain calm in the midst of chaos. He's so easygoing. He has this deep abiding trust in life, in the moment, in the process. I love, love, love, love, love this about him. He's so calming and grounding to be around. And, fast forward, you know, a few years in, and all of a sudden, I love to like plan and be prepared and have like some sense of order and he's like just go with the flow like he likes to do things more last minute or maybe might forget to do something um because he's like up for the adventure and so that's just like an example of the very thing that I fell in love with all of a sudden I was focusing on what's on the flip side of it and on the flip side of all of our strengths like No exceptions. There's like some challenge. On the flip side of any challenge, no exceptions. There's some beautiful strength. And so when we were really stuck, we were really seeing what was on the reverse side. So we committed to a strengths based relationship and like turned back over all those things we wouldn't want to live without. And it's such an illusion to think that I could have like the most relaxed, calming, like nourishing partner who's like so fully present with me and also someone who's like, you know, continually anticipating things and like they're just, it wouldn't be the same person. And so that was really big and just getting what's underneath. So, um, and we can talk more about attachment stuff, but like Brett would be more of like the withdrawer. And when I perceived that as like, not caring rather than underneath it, he just wanted to feel safe to emotionally engage and feel like he could win. So it was like we, we developed this term called wonder and look under, but it was when we were like reacting to what was on the surface rather than the much more vulnerable, beautiful thing underneath the surface
Leah:Wonder and look under.
Willow:I also really like the terminology strength based relationship. So it sounds like um, wonder and look under and strength based relationships are something that you teach other coaches inside of um, your training program. Is that true? Yeah.
Christine:fallen in love with getting to support others. There's just such a massive need, uh, which I'm so grateful the two of you are doing your extraordinary work in the world because there's such a need for people having support around their relationships. So yeah, now, now one of our real focuses is training others, um, to become coaches around relationships. And these are definitely fundamental concepts.
Leah:Yeah. I mean, because isn't it true, y'all? Like, it's one of the big dreams of life is that we find this beloved and that we have a deep abiding lifelong experience with them. It's what we've all been sold growing up. Um, and, and so I think it's this really longing, a deep desire for, and, Yet, there aren't a lot of skills and teachings. I mean, there's so many relationship books out there, but to be able to really cultivate what it takes inside of yourself, and that includes, like, the history of your life growing up, and your parents, and what they did or didn't do, you know, teaching you about love. I mean, there's so many. It's such a vast Vast topic, and yet what we have in common is, I think most people really want that. They really want successful partnership.
Willow:Yeah, we all want to be
Leah:doing that part in the
Willow:Yeah, we all want to be seen and acknowledged and connection. We all want to have and to feel safe within a relationship. I mean, I was just talking to a friend the other day, you know, who's not, not in a relationship and just talking about how lonely they are. I'm like, well, some of the loneliest people in the world have been in 20 year relationships. And so, it's, it's not about being in one, it's about doing it well and, you know, having skill and learning and studying. Again, yeah, we don't learn this stuff in high school, we don't learn this stuff in college. Who's, who's teaching it? And, you know, some people learn really well from reading books. I'm one of those people, thank God. But, you know, not everyone does, and so we might need more training and more skills. Do some of the people who come through your coaching programs, do they just do it for themselves, for their own personal development? Mm hmm.
Christine:They do, which is such an admirable thing that people just want to have an immersion. Um, and it's like one of the areas of life that I just feel like, Oh my goodness, that it just pays off for the rest of our lives. And it's so empowering. I mean, it's so healing. I find that it just eliminates so much of the pain of misunderstanding because so often we've all had the experience of like, You know, maybe we're in conflict with someone or we are triggered or there's just like pain around some relationship. And then once we get to have a really good conversation, we understand each other, like that's all alleviated and our hearts open and we feel relaxed and relieved. And so just being able to like, know that proactively and have the kind of conversations like it creates so much more peace. So much more regulation in our lives and just to have these deep, meaningful connections and to be empowered around how to navigate what's not working. Um, it's just so much easier with someone that is more conflict avoidant to suddenly have the skills of like, Oh, I know how to communicate this in a way that someone's going to be able to readily hear. Um, you know, that's really common and just, uh, to nurture relationships with their partner and then it spills over to kids and colleagues and other family members. So most people would say it's the most important area of their lives. Um, you know, we assume just like sexuality, um, that we just like suddenly are supposed to know how to do it. Um, and so rest assured to anybody listening, like it is a skill set and it can absolutely be learned. And once I find that once I learn it, like, oh, it makes so much sense. And yet, you know, when I look back before I knew it, it also makes so much sense why we can innocently do literally the opposite of what is helpful.
Leah:You know, I really love Willow's example of, like, you can be in a relationship for decades and feel so alone. And so how would your coaches or yourself, you know, working with a pair or maybe even a classroom dynamic, help, help them shift that dynamic so that there can be togetherness and not this loneliness?
Christine:Hmm. I love that. And yes, it is so true. And that's like the ultimate loneliness when we're like with someone in it, we still feel so alone. It feels even more, um, just amplified our awareness of that. So, um, well, I'd say a few things. So one is this kind of idea of a love account. So in every relationship we have a love account and every interaction we have, we're either putting a deposit in, or we're taking a withdrawal out. And so it could just be, you know, we're walking by our partner and we take a moment to You know, give them a quick little squeeze. Takes two seconds or we want them to pass the salt. We're like, can you pass the salt? Versus like, hey sweetheart, hey beautiful, could you pass the salt? You know, we take 30 seconds to send them a little message like, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and love you so much and can't wait to see you later. It's like, there's so many different ways we can do it. We're on a walk and we Pick them up a really cool rock that we found. Like, we spend quality time together. There's so many ways to fill up our love account, really every interaction, because relationships are living, breathing things, and they're always either growing or deteriorating. And so when the love account is full, then there is a sense of Closeness and connection. There's a sense of resilience because life can be stressful for most people. And what we want is our relationship to be the haven from the stresses of the world rather than a place that we experience stress and then we come to one another and it bleeds into the relationship in a way that just perpetuates the stress. And if our love account is low, we can easily take it personally. It's like, what's wrong with you today? You're in a bad mood. Versus like, Hey, sweetheart, you want to Foot rub. It sounds like it's been a really hard day. So when the love account is high, we are allies and teammates. We give each other the benefit of the doubt. We see each other's good intentions. Um, there, we use the analogy that it's like there's just lubricant in our interactions. So there's just so much more ease. Uh, and so Dr. John Gottman, of course, the researcher on relationships, he aims to have a 20 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, um, in order to experience that. So a lot of couples that we See that reach out for support. They're really suffering from a low love account. And that's when we just feel disconnected and unfulfilled, unheard, misunderstood, um, all those things. And so actually just growing the good and doing more of those things that light each other up. And Brett and I, a regular practice we do, we'll just get out blank pieces of paper and we write. One to ten on them, and they'll write at the top, I love when you, and then we'll each just take turns and we just write down and it's like so fun Just like I love when you do this And he thinks that like he's done a zillion times or he thinks he hasn't done in a little while And then we just swap lists and it's like an updated version and when I read his I mean, it's so meaningful to like have permission to share those things with him and when I read his it is so immensely helpful because I realized like, oh my gosh, that little thing means like that much to you. Um, because I think when you first fall in, are falling in love, it's so easy to like reinforce all those things or to do them no matter what, but over time to forget that it really matters, um, to one another. And so, um, I'd say like become experts at the one of a kind custom art of loving the person we're with and staying really up to date about what that is and like adding in more of those things. So there's other things. I'll pause there for a moment.
Leah:Yeah, beautiful. I love this reinforcement. I love this exercise of, I love when you, and really, and growing the good. I mean, you've got great iterations on language and, uh, and things that really can stick with people. I think these sort of open ended lists, these conversations, um, they renew that part of the soul that gets weary, that gets tired, and I think one of the traps that's so easy to find ourselves in is our relationship can kind of have a toxic negativity, where what we talk about are all the things that are going wrong, and we forget it. To grow the good and, and just that simple thing of like, well, it looks like you had a tough day. Let me rub your shoulders, you know, like, geez, that seemed like a tough day at work, you know, what, can I make your favorite meal? Or do you want to cuddle on the couch? Or fill in the blank?
Willow:I love the ease, I love the ease and simplicity of this exercise and how it doesn't have to take a long time. Another fun one that's right along the same lines is just every single day writing down one thing you love about that person on a little post it note and like sticking it on the bathroom mirror or on their car's steering wheel or Put it in their shoe or, you know, just kind of leave them these little love notes. That was, I think, like a, that was something I picked up somewhere and it's 30 days. You do it for 30 days for any relationship that you want to enhance or embellish. So this is a really great, like very simple, easy, not a lot of time version to do. And yeah, who wouldn't want to read 10 things that your partner loves about you? I mean, come on, let's open it up.
Leah:Right? And a really simple, you know, time efficient way of helping your partner not feel so isolated and alone and gives them a sense of like, you belong with me. Mmm.
Christine:uh, for like staying connected.
Willow:Mm hmm.
Christine:Yeah, so I love it. So based on the research of Dr. Sue Johnson, um, and understanding around attachment of the dynamic between the pursuer and withdrawer, and you may have covered this on your podcast, it's one of the most common dynamics in relationships. And so, um, the pursuer is someone that not necessarily is like romantically pursuing their partner. It's someone who wants to keep pursuing. Pursuing a conversation, um, until they reach resolution, until you feel connected again. So if when you feel a moment of disconnection with your partner, you are more prone to keep talking. Maybe you start talking more excessively, or you use, you know, your voice increases. You're more likely to like follow them into the other room if they step out of the room. pursuers are really longing to feel like they're not alone. Um, in those moments, they feel alone and long for their partner to respond to them, to engage, to be like, okay, I've got this. We've got this. I'm right here in it with you. I'm here to help. Um, and so then the other partner, you can have pursue, pursue, you can have withdraw, withdraw, but most commonly it's pursue, withdraw. So with the withdrawer is someone that is perceiving their partner's energy as a bit overwhelming. They feel emotionally flooded. Perhaps they feel attacked, criticized, um, they feel like they can't succeed. And so they take a step back. So they're like, gosh, as I come closer to you right now, good things aren't happening, so I'm going to step back to actually preserve. Any remaining connection that's there. Like, things aren't so great right now, we can like, revisit this when things seem better. Um, and so they step back. And so the moment they step back, of course the pursuer is like, alert, alert, alert. The very thing I'm longing for is now even further away from me. And so then they tend to get even louder, or even more emotional, which then the withdrawer retreats more and more. And the withdrawer is usually longing for more than anything for their partner to Like, be emitting this safe, calm, affectionate, positive energy. So something that's going to signal to their nervous system, it's safe to come closer to me. So appreciating them, if they're open to touch, like a little bit of physical affection, like that melts bread. So I know my partner when he's in withdrawal, that doesn't work for everyone, um, but just letting them know that you love them, changing your tone, kind of slowing things down. Softening. Uh, and so the very thing that withdrawers longing for the pursuer usually does the opposite. And this is like the tragedy of relationships. I think is both of these people, you know, are longing, longing, longing for connection. And we're literally doing the very thing that's pushing our partner further away and, and don't realize it. Like we don't realize there's an off ramp. We think that like, if you would just, whatever it might be, Things would be so much better and we pursue that strategy even more strongly and then it pushes our partner further and further away. Um, and so that was so huge for us. Now we know exactly like if we notice even the first signs of that like in one another and this is certainly what we teach couples is like how to map out their cycle. So Pretty much every couple has a repetitive cycle, and it doesn't even matter the topic or the issue. You know, it could be about finances or raising kids or sexuality or the dishes, um, but it's like how we talk about it, we tend to fall into these roles. And so the moment you see, you know, your partner start to get a little more animated, emotional, critical, they're actually just wanting you to lean in and engage and like be with them and that will calm their nervous system, or the moment you see your partner start to withdraw, step back, shut down, like. Soften, offer them some loving kindness in whatever way feels like that you can kind of stretch into in that moment and it will bring you back into connection. So couples can spend an entire lifetime kind of in that, in that pattern. Um, so that's another, another little tip for
Willow:I love this. This is opening up my perception because I've always, I haven't really thought about this in terms of like, you know, committed long term relationships, this pursuer and, um, what is it, withdrawer. I, you know, I've always heard of this inside of, what is it, twin flame relationships.
Christine:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Willow:You know, the chaser and the, and the runner. So a little more extreme, you know, the chaser and the runner, but yeah, it makes sense that it would be really within any relationship. And so, um, starting to see, uh, where, where that dynamic is happening. And yeah, someone's kind of coming to you as the pursuer, like meet them. You know, or.If they're withdrawing, like, okay, maybe they need a little bit of space, like, let them have it. So more, more matching them rather than kind of magnetizing back and
Christine:Right, right. Yeah, yeah. Beautifully
Leah:of reminds me of something that Charles and I stumbled upon in our relationship years and years back, which was, what do you need to come back to love? If you find yourself separate from each other, separate from our connections, separate from love, what is the thing That helps you come back the fastest. If we're committed to coming back to love when we realize we're separate What is the thing you need from me? What is the thing that you need from your relatives? What are the things that you need from your friends? And
Willow:do you need from yourself? and sometimes people don't know what that is. Yeah,
Leah:Well, you don't know what it is until you ask yourself that question And so for me I said I mine was come get me. I'm gonna slam a door And I'm going to pretend I don't want anything to do with you and it's a lie. I'm lying to you, I'm lying to me, and here's my commitment. If you knock on the door, I'll open it and I'll put my dukes down. I'll stop the fight, I'll get vulnerable. You pursuing me is going to show me that you do love me. And I can, I can stop the spiral in the game and really the lie. That I'm trying to communicate, which is a test, because if you come and get me, then you'll win the test. That means you love me. But if you don't come and get me, then you're failing the test, so let's get rid of the test. And what do you need in order to feel safe doing that? If you knock on the door, what is the prize that you get for doing the thing you don't want to do, which is, oh good, she wants space. And so us having to like negotiate that, and then for me to find out that, you know what he needs is, he needs a foot rub. And then a hand on his heart and no words, just eye contact and just being able to be seen and felt and you matter. And then to find out that there's this long history of foot rubs from his diabetic father and his mother rubbing his dad's feet. And then later he would get extra allowance if he rubbed his dad's feet. So that was love. There's something about that foot rub that went way deeper than someone just rubbing your feet. I would have never known that there was a history, an emotional history that goes back in the family having to do with foot rubs. And so that was like magic for us. We were able to come back to love so much faster by just thinking about what do I need? And then as the years went on, I stopped needing him to chase me. I stopped needing to slam the door. All of that started to just go to the wayside. So I find it like, it's, there's some parallels with what you described. Um, yeah, that seems really helpful. So thank you for that. I think, I think, um. Great tips. Are you the pursuer or are you a withdrawer? And I imagine that that can also flip flop.
Willow:Oh, yeah,
Christine:Yup, it can for sure flip flop.
Willow:And it kind of should flip flop. I mean, that's the dynamic, right? That it flip flops. That's the sort of magnetic polar
Leah:Yeah, good point.
Willow:But what Christine is saying is, you know, to actually match what the other person's doing.
Leah:Well, so here's a pushback I know my husband, Matt, would probably say if he was hearing this conversation, which is like, look, I'm only going to do it if I feel it authentically. I can't pretend to give you something that I 1000 percent do not want to give you right now. So what do you say to that, Christine?
Christine:Yeah, I, so good. And thanks for sharing your story around that. I, I love just like, the, the person who withdraws and slams the door, but you know you're a pursuer if you like want them to come get you. Because a, a true withdrawal So I can totally
Willow:You're the pursuer with the withdrawer mask
Leah:right, right. You are still the pursuer.
Willow:ha.
Leah:Even though you are pretending to be a withdrawer.
Christine:it's so true, like the withdrawal truly wants to withdraw, like they don't want you to come get them, but the pursuer secretly does, um, absolutely. So that idea of like waiting to feel something before we act, um, is something that we share with couples and our coaches is really shifting that in long term love. Um, and so, I mean, I totally get, I,
Willow:in all of life, really.
Christine:In all of life, like, I so appreciate wanting it to be sincere, and if we wait until we feel like a rush of like, love or appreciation before we express love or appreciation towards someone, we could be waiting forever. Um, but sometimes for me, I'll be like writing someone a thank you note, and it's like, in the midst of writing it, my heart is like swelling and swelling and swelling, and like, Oh my gosh, and I appreciate you for this, and I appreciate you for this. Like it's in the moment of doing. And so I think when we're first falling in love, it's really easy, um, just to feel this desire, this delight in getting to do thoughtful things, say kind things. And then in long term love, it's more of like, okay, how do I want to feel? I want to feel connected. I want to feel in love. I want to feel, um, like this flow of just positive energy between us. Okay, I'm going to do those actions then that are going to guide me there. Just like taking a deep breath, like not waiting until we're relaxed to take a deep breath. It's like, I'm going to take the deep breath and that's going to help me, um, generate relaxation.
Leah:and I imagine practicing it a few times and you get to see, you become a believer because you see the results of Okay, we are actually not mad at each other quite as long as if I don't just do the hard thing Which
Willow:It's
Leah:the thing that I'm resistant to doing
Willow:Yeah, it's the same thing as manifesting anything in your life, you know. You can manifest a new hot tub or a new, you know, table or whatever, a thing, and if you have a visual of what that thing is and what it feels like to have it, or even a person manifesting a beloved, it's like, what is the feeling of having that in your life? And then how do you, how do you do everything in your life with that feeling? Alive inside of you. So, you know, what you're saying, Christine, is so valuable to couples who are like, well, I'm not going to do it unless I really feel it, you know, it's like, well, you're not going to feel it unless you really do it. And sometimes you have to fake it till you make it a little bit. And then the feeling does come and then that thing does manifest. It does come to form. It's kind of, it's scientifically proven. It's nature's law.
Christine:so similar for sexuality, right? Chu is, yeah, it's so easy to postpone being intimate with our partner until we feel this fireworks or this big spark. And instead, I mean, I'm just so grateful for everything around like responsive desire and how it's actually engaging and beginning to feel aroused. Then like desire kicks in, but not until we've actually started to, you know, engage in some sort of like physical connection with our partner. So.
Willow:Yeah, it's really, it's called, you know, that's called taking responsibility for your own sexuality. And it's really then taking responsibility for the kind of relationship that you want to have.
Christine:Yeah.
Leah:You know, I'm curious in your work, and certainly in your work with training coaches, is like the process, how do you know where a client or student is starting out from? Because you've got people who You know, are ready to start working on their sexuality tonight, like, and, and maybe they're even both into it, so it's like they want to deepen that sexual intimacy, they're ready to start having better sex, more connected sex. But then you have that couple that like, they haven't had sex in two years, they are not ready to jump into even taking a look at sexual intimacy, they have to take a step before. And I'm kind of curious in terms of like, Your audience members, your students, and your coaches, where is usually the starting point, and, and, and where does your audience come from? Are, are a lot of them coming in through the door of going, look, sex is further down the line. Right now we're just trying to get on the same page.
Christine:Mmm, yeah, such a good question. So, uh, so you want to kind of meet people, of course, where they're at. And, um, we have kind of looked at there being like six main areas, like six pillars in order to create a thriving relationship. And so it's looking at like, where is the opening? And it can be different for each you know, partner in a couple, but the six pillars, one would be physical intimacy. So some people are like, all right, we know that this is the pillar that's kind of low. We're ready to go in. Otherwise, there's also the love account. And so looking at kind of how is their love account, there's knowing how to repair. So Thriving relationships. It's not just about avoiding conflict, of course. It's like knowing how to effectively repair in a way that allows us to deepen our connection through it. Um, taking radical responsibility. And so really taking stock of what are those things that we're doing consciously or unconsciously that are actually contributing to you know, our needs not being met and us not having the kind of relationship and connection that we're longing for. Um, that's really important. Um, secure attachment. Uh, that's so, so key is like, so sometimes with intimacy, it's hard for someone to even consider that until they've really established a sense of secure attachment where they feel safe being with one another. And so maybe someone's not ready to, to dive into physical intimacy because it's like, oh, you know, they need more emotional connection. And that's a really common one, that some people need emotional connection before they're able to be physically, before they feel an opening to be physically intimate. Others really require physical intimacy before they feel that opening to want to emotionally engage. And so it's like, not digging our heels in deeper, like, I'm not going to do this though, until you do this. It's really getting curious, like, okay, what does this relationship need from me? In order to evolve, in order to deepen, and continually asking that question, which of course, personal responsibility really allows us to do. So, it's looking at like what pillar, and then communication is the sixth one. Um, and so are we, um, yeah, are we, the ways that we're talking about. So the beautiful thing is, I think it's the best of news, is that couples a lot of times when they're in, An area that they're just not matching up, so around sexuality in this case, um, it's so often how they're talking about it rather than the actual issue. So I cannot count the number of times over the, you know, past decade plus I'll be sitting with a couple and they'll talk about something they've tried to talk about, you know, a hundred times and suddenly they're like, Oh. Well, you've never told me about it like that before.
Leah:right,
Christine:feel like you finally just got it. And all of a sudden they feel like they were so far apart. And it's like, oh, well, I can do that. Like, maybe it's a little different. And so that's so important. So it's like entering one of these pathways and also seeing what's underneath it. But certainly learning how to talk about it in a whole new way usually opens up possibilities for like physical connection that really does work for both of them. Like when there's empathy, appreciation, and curiosity infused in the conversation. You know, and both of their hearts when they're just like, okay, we are allies and teammates. This is not between us. Let's, let's be standing side by side looking out at this together. Just getting curious and collaborative and creative. Um, and then we become so much more resourceful because we're not working against each other. We're actually working together.
Leah:So this empathy, curiosity, and appreciation sounds like it's a pillar also in the communication style. And that all these six pillars sort of interweave with
Willow:Oh yeah,
Leah:Yeah.
Willow:love it. So, the coaching certification course that you have, it's six months long, so you do spend one month on each pillar. Is that how you guys do it?
Christine:That would make so much sense, wouldn't it?
Willow:no, you don't do it that way.
Christine:uh, we totally cover all six pillars and we have 50 plus tools that we've developed, um, over the years. And so, uh, so not exactly does it, is it that specific, but we cover all the six pillars and 50 plus tools. And, um, yeah, everything kind of that it takes to experience, um, the greatest relationship to learn how to communicate and to hear each other and both get your needs met and harmonize your differences and,
Willow:How to have a thriving relationship.
Christine:Exactly, exactly.
Leah:Yeah, so I imagine like someone's probably listening, you know, uh, I've been a part of teaching certification courses for some time now, and there's people who, are just really drawn to this work and I feel the call inside of their being that's like, I want to help people love better. I want to serve other couples. I want to serve my own relationship. I mean, I think I often reflect on just doing this work myself and going, you know, big motivation for me doing this work is so I can stay accountable to having the best relationships in my life. That I'm practicing what I preach. Because it kind of, you got to stay accountable if you're teaching, you know. So I imagine that there's people listening who are wondering, like, well, who do I go to in order to build the skills and provide the tools and learn, you know, coaching skill sets? And over the years, I'm sure you've heard a lot of stories as to how the people who come to your coaching program, how they find your door. Is there anything you can say about, is there a theme that you've noticed that is sort of driving people to make that commitment?
Christine:To actually becoming a relationship coach.
Leah:Yeah,
Christine:Yeah, so I find, such a good question. Um, sometimes it's people in other helping professions, and they find that maybe they're really able to help them individually, and they're starting to bring relationship questions, and they want to bring their partner in. They're like, Oh, again, like this is a whole nother skill set. And so they just want to be able to serve people, you know, as powerfully and effectively as possible. Um, and then it could be someone that certainly they're just in a career that maybe isn't really lighting them up and fulfilling, and they've always loved talking about love. I remember that was one of the questions someone asked me when I was. Feeling into years ago, I was like at this heart centered entrepreneurs conference and I was like feeling into my path and they said like, whatever you choose to focus on in your career, you're going to have that conversation over and over and over. Like you're going to be at parties and once they hear what you do, like that's what you're going to be talking about. And I'm like, I could talk about relationships all day, like I love when I'm with my friends, or our son, or anybody, I'm like, I just, I could just talk about it all day. And so I think it's some people that just, they love watching love stories, like that's like the part of the movie they get lit up about, or when they're with their friends, or like that's just something that would be really meaningful, um, or knowing how, even in your own personal life. If you have people who are struggling with relationships and friends come to you and you're like, gosh, what you can sense, you have this sense like the two people really love each other and you know there must be some way for them to find one another again and yet find yourself like lacking. It's like a deep intuitive knowing, like it doesn't have to be this hard. People don't have to suffer. They don't need to separate, but I don't really know how to help them. And I have this deep longing to help them. Um, those are common things. There's someone just wanting, you know, more purpose in their life and realizes that relationships are kind of at the heart of it. And, and like you said, Leah, like I can't imagine anything more meaningful. I'm so grateful to have chosen this path because it absolutely, Brett and I say it, like it holds us so accountable, you know, to, uh, to, you know, embodying it and continually putting it into practice. You know, it's just a committing and recommitting over and over for a lifetime, um, for how we want to show up for each other.
Leah:Great answer. I think, like, anyone who's probably in this profession now can think back on going to parties and, like, this was the thing you talked about, and, like, people would just gravitate towards you because it's interesting. I mean,
Willow:And you have passion for it.
Leah:interesting, and when you love the topic. Yeah, it feels like you can talk about it forever, and that's a great way to reflect on what career choice do you want to maybe shift into or develop? It's like, what do you love talking about? Such a, love that answer. Yeah,
Christine:clear.
Leah:yeah,
Christine:And I'm sure you find that people just like open up about their sex lives, like you could be in the grocery store and they're just, and we're here for it, right?
Leah:We're here for it. Are you sitting next to me on the airplane? Let's talk it out.
Willow:about it. Yep.
Leah:Do you ever come across people who's, like, they've had sexual trauma and that is part of the roadblock in their sexual intimacy?
Christine:Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, in a way that can be so confusing actually for their partner. You know, if someone does not understand trauma, so say you're partnered with somebody and, and your partner's experienced trauma and it's not something you've experienced, it can be really painful because you're like, but I'm not that person. You know, I'm safe. I'm kind. I'm loving. And they can feel like, a lack of control, even in that they don't know what they can do differently. Um, and it can be, yeah, just hurtful and someone might feel misunderstood or just confused. Like that happened 30 years ago or could also be just judgmental or condescending, invalidating to their partner. Like, get over that. Like, how is that still impacting you? So I think You know, when that's playing a role, it can be so healing and validating and bonding for a couple to really learn together about trauma and the long lasting impacts of it. Um, because so many things in relationships where the pain comes in is because we personalize it. Um, instead of just seeing, like, understanding it, um, it's like we can take it as if, if you really loved me, or you really cared about me, or you really knew how much I loved you, um, so easy, so innocent that we can, like, take these things personally. Um, so yes, absolutely, just a whole lot of love and compassion and encouragement for someone if that's playing a role, um, to get support and to really be teammates in it. Because what I love so much is the paradigm of a healing relationship is the fact that for most of us, our greatest wounding actually occurred in relationships early on in life of any kind, little wounds, big wounds, but in the dynamic of another person, needs that were, you know, not met in the way that we needed them to be. And so it's therefore in our conscious, intentional, healthy relationship as an adult. If we enter into the paradigm of a healing relationship, that we can know these tender places in one another, and really go above and beyond to show up for one another in the very ways we needed before, and it will heal that. And it doesn't mean that our partner is responsible for that. You know, of course we want to own our own responsibility for our individual healing and we are social creatures and one of the great gifts of that is that we get to really participate in one another's healing in a way that is as effective as anything I've ever seen. And so, um, that's what I would say about that. It's to really be teammates and go on this journey and get to know what that is for both people because trauma for sure will impact. Of course, it's like coming close to you doesn't feel safe. So why would I want to do that?
Leah:Right.
Willow:Right. Yeah. I think, you know, circling back to the very beginning of our interview with you, Christine, you had talked about you and Brett having done so much personal work on your own, but then you got into this relationship and it was like. Ah, shit, you know, and it is an up leveling of doing your interpersonal work because you've got this mirror, you've got this other person, you've got this reflection and so you go so much deeper because those, like you were just saying, those original wounds that we still have in our soma, in our cellular body, are being played out. In these relationships as they are now. And so, yeah, not taking things personally and actually just seeing like, wow, this, this, my beloved, my partner, they're in some kind of pain and it's not about me. Let me kind of take a bird's eye view of what they're going through and get curious and see if there's, you know, that question that Leah and Charles can like, how, how, what do you need? What do you need to come back to love? So beautiful.
Leah:I think you make an interesting point, Willow, because when you have done a lot of personal growth work, and then you meet, let's say, the love of your life, or who you hope to be the love of your life, you go so deep in that initial connection, right? It's like, here's two people that have really prepared themselves for deep diving into love, and then the honeymoon period starts to shift, and now you're now triggering, you know, all these Tight places inside of yourself, and it's like, but, but, how can it be? Like, we both did so much work. How could we possibly find ourselves here? And I think it could be quite a shock. And then, and then remembering that all the work that you did to prepare yourself to meet each other is now time to do this work together, to prepare yourselves for staying together. And it's not like you just do it once. It's like a work in progress. And, you know, when you were talking about, you know, this, the trauma piece, and I was thinking about your six pillars. And one of the things that kind of jumped out at me was like the attachment stuff and how confusing our attachment styles can be when we've had, especially childhood trauma, childhood sexual trauma in particular, because this attachment thing, if it was in the home or the caregivers, primary caregivers didn't support a feeling of safety, all of that stuff really gets it gets very confusing for both partners in the relationship. And so I'm kind of curious, like, how much time in your coaching program do you spend on the secure attachment piece? Is it something that really requires a lot of work for people to find secure attachment when they've had avoidant attachment? Or, um, I don't remember all the attachment names in this
Willow:Anxious, avoidant, secure.
Leah:Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Curious, like, sort of, if there, if you've been able to measure an amount of time that requires for people to grow into secure attachment if they've had another attachment style up until this point.
Christine:Hmm. Yeah. Well, yes to it being kind of paramount, I think, to creating. Whether people are conscious that that's what they're doing, you know, or not, they might not call it that unless they, you know, are a coach or have, you know, read books or something. Um, some people have it and they haven't done anything to actually create it. And, uh, I'm so grateful that we live at a time that there's so much more knowledge out about, you know, attachment theory as applied to adult romantic relationships. So. I would say for everyone, I think it's just kind of assessing where a partnership is. And so one of the fundamental things that we're looking for in a relationship is to know, you know, that when I call you will come, like that you are emotionally available, that you're responsive, that you're engaged, that we have each other's backs, that it's Yes, there's a lot of words there. There's a lot of different combinations. And again, then we usually do the opposite, you know, we make our partner wrong rather than see it the cry for love that it really is. And so as far as timing. You know, it's one of those neat things that for some people, it's, it's so revelatory. Uh, and so it's, we actually teach that early on in our coach certification program, because it's really foundational. It's like other things are kind of grow from that place. Um, and so for some couples, they're like, Oh my goodness, I see this. Like what I was judging as. You know, anxiety, are you being overbearing or controlling? Like, you've just been terrified. Uh, and so it's more of a cognitive shift. Um, yeah, yes, yeah, we show, um, I love, if people haven't seen, it's actually, it is such a disturbing study to witness, and one that's kind of unforgettable is watching the still face experiment, so if anybody wants to, YouTube still face experiment, and it shows a mother Um, with a child, with a baby, and the baby is making facial expressions, and the mother's nearing them, and the baby's just happy, and you know, easygoing, and just like having fun and playful, and then the mom just has a still face. Like, the baby's trying to like, get her response, and there's just no response.
Leah:Wow.
Christine:And then you'll see all of the emotions that come, I mean the terror in this little baby and of course the mom returns. Um, but that happens in relationships a lot. And so our, in response to your question, when people come in and they're like, okay, they lay out, here's all the challenges that we're experiencing. So how long is this going to take? Is there hope for us? And I'd say it's less like how big the challenges like how avoidant someone is or how anxiously attached someone is. It's more like how willing are you? How open are you? How committed to growth are you? So if we're if we're still pretty committed to our old ways of doing things It's gonna be like, okay little bits bits bits, but they're like, you know what? What we are doing isn't working. I am all in, I'm wholeheartedly committed, you know, to you and to like doing whatever we need to do to get ourselves to thriving as quickly as possible. And it's like, oh my gosh, the sky's the limit. We can move forward so much more quickly. So, you know, as you know, people's coachability, you know, cause it doesn't have to take very long at
Willow:No, it doesn't. Yes. I just had that.
Leah:of attitude, perspective, curiosity! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
Willow:That's such a common question too, and people are looking into getting coaching of any kind, like how long is
Christine:It is. Yeah.
Willow:know, it's like, well, how, how committed are you? Like, how willing are you to really look at yourself and, and see what subconscious beliefs and patterns you've been running like your entire life, you know? And, and yes, it doesn't have to take a long time to shift those, but it does take a lot of presence and focus and attention.
Christine:Yeah.
Leah:and a willingness to challenge yourself and do hard things. And, and, uh, at StudyShow, if you do hard things, you are rewarded. Life actually improves. So one of my final questions for you, Christine, and it's one of my favorites, is what are your top books? Let's say top for, you know, whether that's one book, two books, or three books. I'm really curious, what are the top two or three books that you always recommend to people that they read to
Christine:Such a fun question. I would sure love to see your book list. I'm sure you have it somewhere. Um, so, well, in our certification, we include Hold Me Tight, which is by Dr. Sue Johnson. So that is all about secure attachment. So if you are someone who is interested in learning more about secure attachment and how to intentionally create it, no matter where you are right now in your relationship. Hold Me Tight is wonderful. Um, and then Gottman, um, I'd say Books by Gottman is so helpful because I, so, so Dr. John Gottman is, you know, pioneering researcher in the science of relationships. I just find him to be so helpful. I love having his research at the ready. Um, especially if you're working with couples or maybe your partner is less, you know, a little more resistant to growth. He just grounds. It's kind of like undeniable, you know, this stuff works and there's research to back it up. So if someone's like talking about feelings or like, why can't we, you know, I told you I loved you on our wedding day. If it changes, I'll let you know,
Leah:It's all
Christine:someone that
Leah:research, so it's really great for skeptics
Willow:The
Leah:who are like, prove it to me. I don't want to just go to a quack, you know, they want like. Research. Yeah. And then he says it like, with the most, the sweetest, like, uncle. Like, he's your favorite uncle, you know, who you trust, who gives you solid wisdom. Um, he really packages it so beautifully.
Christine:He does. I'm sure Gottman's one of the most, you know, recommended when you ask people that. Um, and then, uh, I love Come As You Are. So for sexuality, Um, I think it's, it's such a good one for people to understand breaks and accelerators. Like, there's just like kind of revelatory paradigm shifting things for people. You know, in some of those books, like Attachment Theory, I think is paradigm shifting. Emily Nagoski and kind of her research on sexuality, she talks about the dual control model, and rather than thinking that we just need to do all these things that like spice things up, it's like, oh my gosh, we have breaks on, and we need to really look at the breaks, because the breaks are the number one reason, actually, that are, inhibiting us feeling that sexual energy. So I'm sure the two of you have so many reflections on that book and research and her work. Um, so, which I would love to hear sometime, uh, but that's the one that we certainly recommend for people.
Willow:Awesome.
Leah:you for all of those. We'll make sure that there are links in our show notes, not only for those books, but also for Christine's coaching program. Because if you're the type of person who's been listening going, I love these conversations with my friends, with my family, at dinner parties, on airplanes, uh, in cafes, then her training is, is right up your alley and you could serve so many hearts by considering a career in this and so consider this an official call from the universe. We need more heart centered people who want to help other people um, co create a relationship that is filled with strength. What do you call it again? Um, I love the term. It's at the tip of my tongue. You brought it up, Willow.
Willow:I can't think of it
Christine:Wonder and look under?
Leah:Strength based relationships,
Willow:there it is.
Leah:based relationships. Who doesn't want that? And, um, be, please tune into Christine's, uh, podcast. Thriving Relationships. You can find it on any streaming app and on their website and you can check out our episode when it comes out. We will give you an alert if you're on our email list and please join our email list and be sure to subscribe and comment on this episode, your takeaways, and check us out on YouTube. Thank you so much, Christine.
Willow:Such a pleasure
Christine:Thank you.
Willow:again.
Christine:Oh, thank you so much for having me. You both are just such a delight and thanks everyone for tuning in.
Leah:With that, love, love, love, love, love, love.
Announcer:Now, our favorite part, the dish.
Leah:It is dish time with, Christine.
Willow:Yeah,
Leah:Our new BFF.
Willow:what a cool woman and what a journey she's been on and loved hearing about all the different pieces that she brings together when she is helping couples find their way to a thriving relationship because it's so much more than just sexuality, it's so much more than just communication. So much more than any one of these sectors of what it means to be in a thriving relationship. It is the totality of the whole. And she really did a great job, um, just, you know, enlightening us to that. I loved it.
Leah:I loved so many, um, of their processes. I love their six pillars, the physical intimacy, the love account, repair, radical responsibility. which I think is a really, the magic, such a magic important piece to long term partnership. Secure attachment and communication. Um, God, there were so many pieces. I'm just looking at my notes. Uh, oh yeah. Wonder and look under. Ding, ding, ding. That is
Willow:That was really great. What was the other one? She
Leah:Strength based relationships,
Willow:based relationships. Yeah.
Leah:Growing the good,
Willow:Mm hmm.
Leah:And then like the reinforcing practices. I love the list of like, I love you when,
Willow:Yes.
Leah:I love when you,
Willow:Yes. That was a great exercise. Take, take five minutes and do 10 things. I love, I love this about you or I love you when you do this. Yeah.
Leah:Yeah, yeah, super sweet stuff. And I look forward to checking out that book she recommended with Dr. Sue Johnson and that whole theory of pursuers versus withdrawers and how to work with that phenomenon,
Willow:Sue Johnson's book or was, was that the other book that she
Leah:Yeah, it was Sue. That was Sue Johnson.
Willow:okay. Hold me tight. Hold me tight. And then she also mentioned come as you are.
Leah:Come as you are. Yeah, have you read that
Willow:I haven't read it
Leah:I haven't
Willow:of my book list.
Leah:But I really like, I like the process of breaks and accelerators. I like that terminology when it really is. I think it's a supportive, helpful terminology when playing with sexuality and expanding into different dynamics and into different realms. When you sort of feel like you're getting in over your head or when you feel like it's entering into a place that you don't find very pleasurable or arousing, you know, to kind of start to give a language that can oftentimes be less charged. Just know when you want to put on the brakes and when you want to press go and it doesn't have to be so personal to what your partner's doing it right or doing it wrong.
Willow:Right, yeah, I think that makes a big difference inside a partnership as well, because it doesn't, it's not finger pointing, it's like then you're just taking responsibility for what's true for you in that moment, and it just leaves a lot more room for the other person to be like, oh, okay, just to be in acceptance around it, rather than defense around it.
Leah:And you know for those of you who have been looking at the personality types, you know, the same day that we filmed Christine's episode, we also filmed doctor, or not doctor, but Stephen Kessler Therapist and his book, The Five Personality Types. We filmed them both on the same day. And so if you've been studying the petrotypes, maybe you've already read Stephen's book. Maybe you've listened to a couple of our episodes where we talk about the personality types. Put that in the show notes so you can revisit it. It was really fun to kind of feel the parallels of like both conversations,
Willow:Mm hmm,
Leah:you know, when she was sort of describing what was happening for her and Brett after the honeymoon phase of falling in love and now they've been married and they're raising kids and, and now it's like the things that I really loved about you are things that are really challenging for me. Now that all the shinies worn off. And so there's a couple of parallels that I just thought would be fun to mention. One is that there's a reminder to come back to the essence that there, there's that part of that easy going, um, can be in flow and in the moment and kind of spontaneous, those are the things that she really loved about Brett, but then they were the things that was kind of starting to drive her crazy because there's sometimes
Willow:we get a plan going?
Leah:Right. And so then I'm thinking, Oh, the whole rigid pattern
Willow:Yeah,
Leah:of like, and that being a beautiful skill too. It's not just that there's, there's, you know, there's the shadow and the light side of both parts. And, and then I was thinking about him being the Endurer.
Willow:Right. I was also thinking about him maybe being a Merger
Leah:Yeah, yeah, very
Willow:like kind of go with the flow and
Leah:So it's always fun to kind of watch systems parallel each other and weave. And that's always a fun.
Willow:Yeah. One of the things that I really liked about her interview that she spoke about was the, um, the pursuer and the, was it the pursuer
Leah:The withdrawer
Willow:Withdrawer? Yeah. And so that kind of shed a whole new light for me around, yeah. In long term relationships that, that definitely happens. It happens in dating too, um, and you know, I've just, I've had these experiences as of late with more like twin flame experiences where it's like a runner and a chaser, a little bit more extreme, you know, and so to, to,
Leah:too. Runner and Chaser. Very similar. Yeah.
Willow:Yeah, but this pursuer and the, um, withdrawer, and how subtle that can be and how what the other person really wants you to do is meet them where they're at, and what we want to do is the opposite.
Leah:And then that also blends in with some of the language when it comes to attachment styles, right? Because you have those people who are, um, Um, anxious, secure, um, who tend to kind of be the pursuer, be the chaser sometimes. And then you have the, um, what's it called?
Willow:the, it's the, um, this is Avoidant,
Leah:Attachment, where it's like, that's really sparkly that, um, that, uh, sort of anxiety or insecure attachment style until it gets too close and then you want to bail or like, once it's become secure for you, then you're starting to withdraw. And, uh, so anyways, all these systems
Willow:It's great how they all blend together. Yeah, it's, and it's fun to study them all, um, you know, as, as they come to you on your journey, like pick up the books, read the books, do the courses, whatever it is, um, that comes to you that you feel inspired to. And then you'll start to draw these parallels. And what that does, I feel like in my brain and in my physical form is it starts to draw these new synaptic pathways throughout my whole body. And I've been kind of doing that for a long time, having studied Ayurveda and then Chinese medicine and all these other systems, and then getting into this whole sexuality world and all the different, um, you know, ways that we can psychologically be in relationships with one another. So it, it strengthens your brain, it strengthens your heart, it brings more, um, understanding to your, your somatic being as well as your brain being,
Leah:Yeah, I feel like when you study this stuff, it gives you some new signals, you know, like those synaptic connections so that you can start to go alert, going into pattern. Alert, I have a choice right now. I can either go into my habitual reaction or I can take a breath, ask for help, ask for space. Get some clarity and just remember that I don't have to be a victim of this biological or conditioned response. I can actually create enough space for myself and in my relationship to make different choices. And, um, you know, and just sort of, and knowing and respecting that our partner is going to have certain skills that are going to be really complimentary to the skills that we need in our life. And they're going to have skills that are going to be counter to what you think you need in your life and to just really respect their limitations. And make space for those things to change, but not to get rigid about their need to change. But really take a look at diversifying how you get your needs met so that you are lifting your partner up and they're lifting you up so you just have the like the best chances for success because Being in relationship is not for sissies.
Willow:No, it's just not, it takes a warrior, us and a warrior spirit to do so, so blessings to all of you warriors out there, and, uh, we'll see you real soon.
Leah:Yeah, love love love
Announcer:Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology Teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.