Leah & Dr. Willow: Why Penetration Alone Won't Make You Orgasm | Ep. 204

Why doesn't penetration make every woman orgasm, and what does the outer vulva have to do with the vaginal orgasm you're chasing? In this episode, Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown break down the anatomy of arousal that most couples skip straight past, including the clitoral shaft and legs, the vestibular bulbs, and why what they call premature penetration sabotages deep, contractive vaginal orgasms. They walk through concrete touch techniques for vulva stimulation and G-spot stimulation, the palming method for combining external and internal pleasure during penetrative sex, and how word bath dirty talk can heal sexual shame stored in the body. Whether you've faked orgasms during penetrative sex for years or you're just curious about the difference between a clitoral orgasm and a vaginal orgasm, this conversation gives you the anatomy, the technique, and the permission to slow down.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

• There's a name for the thing almost every couple does wrong before penetration even starts, and it's the biggest reason vaginal orgasms feel out of reach.
• The clitoris is way bigger than the part you can see. Wait until you hear how far back the shaft and legs actually go, and what that has to do with why humping things felt so good as a kid.
• There's a simple hand technique you can use during penetration, with a partner or a toy, that Leah says increases your odds of orgasm by about 80 percent.
• Most people who dislike fingering were never fingered well. Leah explains exactly what goes wrong and what actually works instead.
• Willow shares the one shift in touch, tied to pressure and speed, that can make clitoral stimulation feel five to eight times better almost instantly.
• Word baths sound simple, but they can unlock a kind of somatic shame release that neither partner expected. Leah gives you the actual words to use.

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE: https://www.sexreimagined.com/blog/why-cant-i-orgasm-from-penetration

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Transcript

Why Penetration Isn’t Enough

Willow 1:04

Hey everyone, welcome to the show. So here's a question for you: Why doesn't penetration make every woman out there come? And why are the outer regions of the vulva, not just the inside, actually where a woman's arousal builds? That's what we're getting into today. The clitoris and vulva are packed with nerve endings built specifically for pleasure, yet they're so often skipped over entirely, leaving so many women wondering why the normal way of having an orgasm doesn't work for them I'm Dr. Willow Brown. I'm here with Leah Piper, and we are Sex Reimagined

Leah 1:45

This is such an important topic because so many have felt frustrated and it's like, "Why can't I come from just penetration?" As if that's somehow how bodies are made to perform, and it's not. We're gonna give you all the tips and tricks so that you can have way more fun with way bigger vaginal Os. So this is a big one. Tune in, turn on, and fall in love with vaginal orgasms

Speaker 3 2:13

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show

Premature Penetration Problem

Leah 2:22

Okay, let's get some things cleared up right away. I am always amazed when I am in circle with women and when the conversation regarding vaginal orgasms and have you ever had an orgasm through penetration alone, and so many women are embarrassed. They feel ashamed. They feel like there's something wrong with them, like somehow they're not as sexually proficient because... And, and they've been faking their whole life when having sex, these orgasms that they think they should be having, when that's not how the female sexual body is organized. And there's so many easy, quick fixes so that you can have orgasms during penetrative sex

Arousal Signs and Vulva Changes

Willow 3:06

Yeah. I feel like, um, you know, if a, if penetrative sex is happening too fast and too quickly before a woman's vulva is properly aroused and her brain and her whole body is on board, it's a, it's a little bit like, like a guy trying to, you know, put his cock in when it's not hard enough yet. Like, it just... It's kinda like, well, we're not, we're just not ready, you know? We got... And so, you know, we wanna think about the vulva as, like, it's full of all this amazing, incredible erectile tissue, and that's, that's your hard-on. That's your hard cock, right? So we wanna make sure that that is full and, and fluffy and juicy and open. Everything starts to change. The color changes. The, the structure of the tissues changes. If you've never watched your own vulva get aroused before, there's a lot of information to be had in that experience. and it's a good thing to do throughout your life too, because as we go through perimenopause and menopause, like, our vulvar tissues change. So we get to have a more direct relationship with, with this higher level of arousal tissue in our bodies if we choose to

Leah 4:18

Absolutely. Uh, a teacher of mine, uh, once shared this phrase with me, and I just think it's brilliant. Uh, it's like we have a cultural epidemic called premature penetration, where we're all in a hurry to get it up and get it in and get it off. And when... A- and this is not just men being in a rush to get inside. Women rush men to get inside, too. And it's to the detriment of our own full sexual satisfaction because just-- I mean, it's such a great visual an- uh, analogy, too. When you have a penis that isn't hard enough to penetrate, uh, it- it's-- your-- The ability to reach incredible levels of arousal drops. You have to have a certain level of arousal to get satisfaction. So when we bypass the-- a woman's vulva stimulation, that means massaging the lips. That means us massaging not just the head of the clitoris, but the shaft of the clitoris and that entire network of her vulva in the beginning. We're not gonna be successful in having those deep, powerful, contractive vaginal orgasms, which feel very different from your clitoral orgasm. And if you're doing it right, your, for your clitoris and your vaginal orgasms are gonna fire at the same time, and we call that a blended orgasm, which is even more honey, honey. So we gotta figure out the very cool, little, teeny tricks to get your vulva more in the game so that the likelihood of you having vaginal orgasms through penetration increases exponentially.

Kegels and G-Spot Basics

Leah 5:57

Now, there are some women who can have just penetration only without a lot of vulva stimulation, and they can climax. Maybe they're just wired that way. I think when you have some training regarding your pelvic floor muscles, that type of vaginal orgasm is more possible. whatever is penetrating her is aiming for the area of her G-spot, that also becomes more possible. I think when you squeeze your pelvic floor all around the thing that is sh- um, penetrating her, that is also gonna up the ability to have vaginal orgasms. And just to be clear, what's a vaginal orgasm as compared to a clitoral orgasm? What the scientific like description is basically rapid involuntary vaginal contractions is how they define a vaginal orgasm. So if you can train yourself during non-sexual experiences to flutter the walls of your vaginal lining, you're gonna be doing a few things. You're gonna be training the neural pathways between your brain and your pussy that says, "Yes, I want these rapid contractions. My body knows how to do these rapid contractions. Rapid contractions is what I like to do." It starts to create a very strong neural pathway, so vaginal orgasms become easier. That's one. Basically, your Kegels. Do your Kegel exercises. That will help. But if we only focus on that, strong pelvic floor muscles and aiming for the G-spot, we're missing the boat to way more ease to, to being able to have internal vaginal pleasure. If we just include more vulva stimulation in conjunction with that internal penetration, it's just an easier way, it's an easier fix. Um, and I recommend both

Willow 7:47

I'm fluttering right now. Can you tell?

Leah 7:50

I can tell. I'm gonna

Willow 7:53

it in my eyes? Um

Leah 7:57

And actually, that's a really fun to do on a date, and you're at dinner

Willow 8:02

Fun to do

Leah 8:03

flutter your muscles towards the object of your desire. Get yourself warmed up for, uh, later in the evening

Willow 8:09

Yeah. You know, I think it's, it's said that, uh, one in, one in five women don't have, um, vaginal orgasms, so they're not having the internal contraction, expansion, kind of involuntary fluttering pelvic floor orgasms. And all of that is completely possible to shift and change, and it really starts by having a deeper understanding of your own anatomy of arousal. If you haven't listened to our episodes with Sherry Winston, if you haven't read Sherry Winston's book, "The Female Anatomy of Arousal," no matter what your gender is, as long as you like to pleasure pussies, go check it out, because there's so much incredible information in there. And, uh, you know, if you can bring a well-informed, um, you know, some sense of mastery to a yoni massage, it's really going to increase that woman's possibility for, um, vaginal orgasms. Even with fingers, you know. I have a lot of couples who are like, "Just l- put y- put your cock in, let's fuck and get it over with. I'll have an orgasm. We'll be done." You know, a lot of times women who do have vaginal orgasms, um, they, they just wanna do, do their thing, have it real quick, roll over and go to sleep kinda thing, you know? And it's, it's really a, a, a disservice to the rest of the erectile tissue. There's so much more pleasure to

Clitoral Network

Willow 9:34

be had. And, and when you take the time, which could be like, you know, some vulvas might need 90 minutes, some vulvas might need 15 minutes. It's, it varies. But when you take the time to pet the vulva and play with the vulva, massage the labia, bring the stimulation to the clitoral... Not just the clitoral head, which when you overstimulate the clitoral head can really kind of short-circuit some women, and they may be like, "Okay, enough of that. Like, get away from there." Um, but the legs, the shaft. The legs are inside of the skin, kind of right behind those, uh, lips, and they can be up to four inches long. So there's a lot of an erectile and, tissue and network that's attached to that tiny little nose that we see. So opening all of that up, plus these vestibular bulbs, and if you've never heard that word before, it's these, like, teardrop shapes of tissue that are attached to the clitoral legs. And those fill up with blood, and that's what pushes the introitus or the opening of the vulva, the, the front porch of the vulva. Those... That part kind of pushes together with all this pumped-up tissue, pumped up full of blood. And then when penetration happens, when all of that is happening, it feels so good. It, it feels so good for everyone. It feels good for the penetrator. It feels good for the one who's receiving the penetration. It's gonna give you a much higher opportunity and chance for having an actual vaginal orgasm

Leah 11:15

Yes, those

Why Humping Feels Good

Leah 11:16

bulbs. So let me give you a reference point to these bulbs because when we were coming of age, no one talked about these vestibular bulbs. Do you remember, ladies, um, how good it felt to hump things? Like, do you remember being 10, 11, 12 and becoming obsessed with horses? Now, my parents could not afford, uh, horseback riding lessons, but I could imagine. There was a period where, like, I wanted horse figurines. Like, horses were so cool. There is something very instinctual about bouncing up and down on something, right? The reason why humping felt so good, whether you were humping a thigh, humping a butt, humping a back, humping a couch, the arm of a couch. Yes, yes. Or humping a blanket or humping a pillow. The reason why humping feels so good is because of those vestibular bulbs. It's what creates a lot of the swelling of the yoni, the vulva. Remember, for those of you who don't know, the vulva is the outside. We used to just call a vagina a vagina and think that it was encompassing the whole anatomy of a woman's Reproductive area. That's not true. The vagina is just what's on the inside. The vulva is what you see on the outside, and w- before you ever penetrate a woman, you wanna make sure that the vulva changes through the arousal period. So before she's aroused, it's gonna look one way. As her arousal changes, the outside of her vulva changes. It's gonna deepen in color, it's gonna get... it's gonna glisten, and it's gonna look fuller or plumper. The more and more aroused she gets, the fatter and fatter that luscious pussy gets. So you wanna be able to visually check those signs out when possible. Ladies, many of you I know listening have never really looked at your vulva, and even more of you might have looked at your vulva, but you never looked at it in, in arousal, and that's a game changer. And it's one of the homework assignments that we give women who come to our Rooted in Desire program, which is one of our entry-level, women's-only event, so you get to be in a really supported, safe environment to begin to learn these things that no one ever taught you about your desire and how to capitalize on more arousal. And we've been missing out. As a culture, we've so over-normalized male sexuality that we expect male sexuality to be the same for women. But female sexuality is actually different. We have the same parts, but we're organized differently. And it's so important that if you've longed to have orgasms during penetrative sex, if you've shamed yourself and made yourself less, um, have less self-esteem because you've been faking orgasms during penetrative sex, look, this isn't your fault, and you're in good company. Most women feel the same way because we expect ourselves to come the way men come, and that's just not how it works. And there's just slight variations we need and can do to be able to have just as much sexual climatic satis-satisfaction. In fact, I dare say more sexual

Touch Tips: Less Pressure & Go Way Slower

Leah 15:58

climatic satisfaction than men if we just start to get curious and study these little changes that we can make. So in short, um, having more vulva stimulation to the lips, to the shaft of the clitoris, not just the head. Like Willow said, our partners tend to go straight to the head of the clitoris, and it's like bracing for impact. Too much friction, too much stimulation. It's too direct. If you were to adjust what you were doing to the side of our clitoris, there'd be so much more get off. If you were then to lighten the pressure you gave to that clitoris off to the side, again, you would stimulate us five times faster. Uh, if you were to go slower, like eight times slower, boom, so much better. And then if you were to reach and really massage the lips on either side of her opening, boom, now we're getting somewhere

Willow 16:57

You know, I think, uh, it's so interesting. I feel like there's so much pressure to do, do something, to awaken a woman, to turn her

Magnetic Hands and Feedback

Willow 17:09

on. And all of that pressure, even in the most conscious man, in the most conscious hands, even some who've been trained in Tantra, like they're still, still come in with this pressure of like, "Oh, I have to do something," you know? And then they, they catch themselves and they're like, "Oh, wait. The less I do, the more happens." You know? It's really... And being a craniosacral therapist for so long, like I can't tell you how deep I have gone with that lesson. Like the less I do, the more things realign and come back into balance. And so I think that's one of the things that we can really, as female embodied people, is support whoever's giving to us. We can really support them in... by giving them the feedback. Not just through words like "less pressure, go slower," but also through sound and through the way that we respond, allowing ourselves to respond, and even exaggerating our response, because that actually brings our arousal higher as we lean into our response, whatever we are feeling. Even if it's like, "I'm not feeling much, but I do feel a little something," you know, it's like, okay, let me give that a little bit of sound. Let me give that a little bit of lean in. And for the givers of the lovely vulva owners, you know, one tip that I'm always giving people is like, make your hands magnets, you know. Just go to the level of, of, of pressure and touch and sensitivity that's gonna make her body wanna reach toward you. Like your fingers are magnets pulling her clitoral head toward you, pulling her vestibular bulbs more plump and more juicy and more awake and more alive. You wanna think about, you know, whatever you're

Leah 19:05

literal pulling with your touch. It is an energetic field of energy. Your hand's a magnet energetically so that when you're-- as you're touching her, that pulling is her reaching towards your touch. It's not actually something you do mechanically with your touch

Willow 19:22

Good distinction. Yeah, you wanna, you wanna basically become like a, um, like a marionette where you're you know, you're, you're drawing her body towards you with your energy fingers, with your magnetic fingers or your tongue, or, you know, your nose or your forehead, whatever, or your cock, whatever it is that you're using. You know, just you wanna

Leah 19:43

Your strap-on,

Willow 19:44

think about the relation... Yeah. Think about the relationship between whatever you're playing with her vulva with and her vulva

Leah 19:55

You know, s- we just had Allison Armstrong on, the show. you should go check that episode if you haven't yet. And one of the things she said is like, "You'll hear women actually say, 'God, he's so clueless when he's touching down there.'" And it's like, "Yeah, give him clues." It's in the word. He's so clueless. That should mean give him some clues. Don't just act like there's nothing to say or ways to create a win, and, um, we have to give each other clues in order to reach the states and have the satisfaction that we want. And just like you were saying, Willow, like that comes with breath, that comes with making sounds, that comes with how you maneuver your body, how you work with your hips, and the words that you say. Um, all of that is so important, and there's lots of things, ladies, that you are in control of. If, if someone is penetrating you, maybe it's with a strap-on, maybe it's with a penis, maybe it's with fingers,

Tips for Better Vulva & Gspot Stimulation

Leah 20:56

reach down with your own hand. So if, you know, uh, and here's another thing that's really... I don't mean to segue, uh, and we'll circle back to that. But I think I'm always surprised by how many women don't like digital penetration with fingers. They're like, "Just give me a cock. Ugh, I don't like it when fi- fingers are inside

Willow 21:14

It's because they're too rigid usually.

Leah 21:17

it like that, and I think it's because no one's fingered them well. It's like men and/or, or partners, could be women too, are fingering them as if they're being finger-fucked from eighth grade, you know? Which really was never all that pleasant. And, and I feel like it's because someone takes their fingers and they just go in and out, and I wish everyone was watching this right now, so you could see what I'm doing. There's no stimulation to the vulva. It's just in and out, in and out, down the center of the freeway, which is not heading, hitting any erectile tissue. It's like someone trying to stroke your cock, um, and they can never give you an erection. They're just trying to stroke the way they would stroke an erection. They're trying to stroke a soft on like that. It's like nothing can happen. So once you've... When someone starts to work you and like diddle you really well with their fingers, they are stroking up near the front wall where the G-spot is. If someone's penetrating you and they're just going down the center of the freeway, fingers, cock, strap-ons, dildos, whatever the case may be, bring your own hand down, the fla- the, your palm, and put, and, and, and scissor it so that whatever's penetrating you is going between the fingers of your ring finger and your middle finger. So that you've got two fingers, um, two fingers that are on the right side of your vulva massaging the lips, and then two fingers on the left side of your vulva- vulva, and then your palm, the heel of your hand is at your clitoral area. Basically, you're palming your vulva while someone else is going and penetrating you. Now, you have the full circumference of your vulva, which means you're connecting to the entire erectile map. You are then palming the vestibular bulbs on each side, the clitoral legs, the clitoral shaft, the clitoral head, and the clitoral hood, and the mons itself. Everything that makes it arousing now has connection. Because isn't it sex always kind of better when their pelvis is rubbing up against your pelvis because you're getting clitoral stimulation? You can have all that stimulation on the outside if you just know how to get your hand in there around the parts that are penetrating you. The success rate of your get off increases by like 80%.

Willow 23:40

It's so worth it. It's so worth taking the time to, like, slow down and explore all of this and change positions and use your hand. And also really, we've mentioned already in this episode, but really worth taking the time to watch your own vulva get aroused. Like, self-pleasure yourself, get a light on there, get your mirror in place, and actually watch and see what happens. Now, another thing that vulvas love, sometimes, uh, minds get a little bit, um... You know, they

Word Baths and Dirty Talk

Willow 24:11

can, they can hide away. But vulvas love word baths. They love to be adored. They love to be like, "Oh, you're so beautiful. You're so..." You know, "And look at this pink here, and look at that opening over there." And you know, I often, with couples, am, am teaching the often male partner to give a little word bath to the woman's vulva. And you know, those words don't come easily. They don't come readily for anyone. And so it's something to, to practice and to be in, um, in, in exploration and curiosity with. Like, what... How else could I describe what I'm feeling when I look at your vulva? When I look at your vulva, I feel so open. My heart just feels wide, and my mind feels so expansive. You know, you can always come... If you're like, "I don't know what to say about their vulva," you can always come back to, what are you experiencing? What are you feeling? I'm feeling fucking horny. I'm feeling turned on. I'm feeling hot. Like,

Leah 25:17

I wanna touch it. I wanna smell it. I wanna-- My mouth is salivating. I wanna get in there. I wanna feel how wet you're getting. I wanna see you shatter all over me. I wanna, I want to just, I wanna pray at your altar. This looks like the most incredible flower in this garden. This looks like... You know, You can look up things to say so you've got a little more confidence. Because even seeing what someone else would say, even like going onto AI and getting some suggestions, it will put words to what you already feel And it's really awesome to go, "Oh, finally, that language matches my desire and my experience and my get off from like the privilege that I get to play with this thing, this mysterious, amazing thing." and that can often really turn your partner on. Now, some partners might feel really shy when they start hearing dirty talk. It might make them a little uncomfortable. But it's really important for the two of you to suspend. There's two things that are going on. The woman who owns the vulva

Healing Shame with Worship

Leah 26:24

may be having her own internalized discomfort around hearing dirty talk, but her yoni is responding to it. And it's very interesting how that is like a lack of coherence between how we internalize what's okay to h- what like the sexualization of our body versus how our body actually responds to this worshiping and this word bath that Willow brought up. And how can we turn that into a coherent field? It's a really beautiful thing to heal. It's a very interesting thing to be conscious of, and then it's even more powerful to make the bridge, to close the gap between those two things. So if, if ladies, if you're having that experience where you're kind of cringing when someone is describing how beautiful, how sexy, how desirable this part of your body is, this would be a really important time and a major edge to get the mirror involved. Because for you to see how your body responds during that kind of worshiping is gonna help you correct what this conditioned cringe is. Because that conditioned cringe is something someone's, you know, it's the shame of a different generation that doesn't actually belong to you. And if you could see like the holy, religious, amazing thing that your body's possible of, like that dripping pleasure and arousal is your birthright. It's how you're designed, and frankly, it's how your God designed you, for those of you that have the shame connected to being a woman who's sexual. Because being, growing up in that world, I get it. I've been there. I've done that. And um, and that can be corrected. There's, there's a whole... And that is so key to actually experiencing big orgasms because those limiting conditioned thoughts is, is what dampens all of your arousal and keeps these amazing transcendent, honestly religious experiences of pleasure out of your reach. So there's a lot of things going on in this conversation, right? We have the anatomy. We have magnetic energy. We have, um, how to change the way we touch a vulva, um, so that we can get more, um, erectile tissue engorged. And then there's all of the energy, the, the way that our thoughts are disjointed with our arousal

Willow 28:59

Plus we have the word bath. So if you guys, um, if you're out there and you're with your partner and you're like, "Okay, let me try this word bath thing," and you're like, "Oh, it's just a little bit too much to receive you talking about my vulva in that way," or it's a li- I don't know exactly what to say. You can always, uh, re- uh, pull it back, zoom out a little bit, and just word bath each other standing there naked. Like that is a beautiful practice in and of itself. Or even in lingerie, you know, just like whatever comfort level is right for you. It-- If you haven't done this with your partner, just let her stand there and receive your appreciation of her curves and her skin and her eyes and her hair and her nose and everything about her. Um, it's, it's, it heals the soma because shame is stored in our cellular tissues. And when we fill ourselves up with love and beauty and we're able to receive that, it pushes the shame out. It's very Taoist. It's very Chinese medicine. It's like instead of isolating the problem and focusing and making that m- you know, the main focus in healing that one area, it's like, let's actually infuse the entire system with more health, more chi, more vitality, more love, more appreciation, and everything that is malfunctioning or diseased is going to automatically heal itself

Leah 30:36

Now, some of you might be going, "There's no way my partner is gonna let me stand her up And talk about how beautiful I think her body is. She hates her body. She's so self-conscious. The idea of someone looking at her is, like, horrifying. It's okay if she's not ready for that stage. Let's work her up to it. And one of the ways that you can work her up to it is have her close her eyes, and you can close your eyes too, and then use your touch to be your word bath. So you're still using your words, but everyone's eyes are closed, and you describe how luscious this is, how soft that is, the ridges of this, the hills and valleys of that, th- you know, the delight that like... Describe what y- you're feeling as you move your hands across her breast, as you feel the underside of her boob, as you feel the curvaceousness of her tummy, as you feel the hills and valleys and the wetness of her vulva, of what it feels like to have your fingers right at the opening, the way her yoni wants to grip your fingers and suck her in, the way it feels of the warmth of what she feels like, uh, in the inside, how tight and firm but supple and soft, how silky she is, how it feels like there's rose petals everywhere, how you love the texture of this scar, how you love the little ripple here, here, here you feel on her hips that might be a stretch mark. Really describe with your words how delightful it is to touch her. That also counts as a word bath, and if she can get accustomed to that, then someday she'll be accustomed to your eyes being open and to her eyes being opened. And then one day she'll be able to stand in front of the mirror while you touch her with her eyes open and your eyes open, and you point to all these parts that you're touching as you shower her with more words. It's one of the most healing, transformational experiences any of us could go through. And oh, by the way, if you're a woman listening to this, do this to your woman or do this to your man, because your man also needs a word bath.

Willow 32:45

Absolutely. We all

Leah 32:46

how beautiful his cock is. Describe the colors. Describe how it changes as it gets engorged with blood. Describe how good it tastes. Describe how good it smells. Describe how much you long for it, how much you love it. You know, massage your neck and your face with it. When we get this close to people's genitals and we really describe how it affects us and how beautiful it is, even if you're not even sure if you think genitals are beautiful. I remember thinking genitals were weird and not beautiful and not exactly appealing, but I changed my mind about that the closer I got to it and the more I practiced this. This thing that seemed like an alien became something actually quite divine and special. So this is also a way for you to even change your own mind about your previous ideas of how beautiful or ugly genitals are

Willow 33:40

Yeah, and if, if you're not sure what to say, then you can just play what Leah just-- the last two minutes of this episode on repeat over and over and over again until they infuse into your brain, 'cause those were epic word bath words that Leah just fountained off for you all. So you're welcome.

Leah 33:59

You're welcome. My pleasure. My honor to give you those words.

Willow 34:06

All right. Now, I know some of you out there in relationship are like, "Well, that sounds awesome. I would love it if my partner would do that

Do It Yourself and Solo Practice

Willow 34:15

for me. That would be phenomenal, but there's no way my partner is going to give me a word bath. They don't know how-- They're not comfortable in their own body. They're not comfortable with their own sexuality. They have no idea how to fountain off that kind of verbiage," you know. So there might be, uh, some of you out there who are like, "Yeah, that'd be nice, and I'm just not with that partner." What would we say to them?

Leah 34:44

Do it to them.

Willow 34:46

That's what I was gonna say. I was gonna say do it to yourself, actually. Do it to yourself and do it to them. You go in the mirror, you stand there, you word bath yourself, you word bath your own vulva,

Leah 34:57

them what you

Willow 34:58

then do it to them too, and do it without any expectation of reciprocation. But you will see magic afoot. You will see things shift

Leah 35:08

Yeah. Yeah, you don't have, uh, to have a partner to do anything that we discussed in this episode. In fact, self-pleasuring, this is how you get better at self-pleasuring. If you've been like me for 30 years, not really knowing how to get off on self-pleasuring, not being interested in masturbation, not really ever getting much out of it, this is how you get into it. And I didn't really anchor this in, uh, uh, you know, by this time I'd been a, a sexual teacher teaching sex and Tantra for 15, 16, 17 years until I discovered really how to get off through self-pleasuring. I was well into my late 30s, early 40s, and it all really hooked up with bringing more vulva stimulation in, into what I was doing. It was having my whole palm massaging my vulva. It was playing with toys, but having that palming motion connected, feeling for the roots of the shaft of my clitoris, not really even bothering with my head of my clitoris. You know, you see women in porn and stuff, um, self-pleasuring or masturbating or, or you've been with a partner, and it looks like they're just rubbing the shit out of their clitoris, stimulating it like a jackhammer. And I assure you, even though it looks that way, vibrationally, that's not actually what's happening. It, it... the pressure that she's actually applying isn't nearly as much as it looks. The speed that she's applying isn't nearly as deep as the pressure it looks. So the speed might be fast, but it's more of a vibrational sensation. It's not a super mashing. Unless we're at a really high level of arousal, then it might elevate to more pressure and more speed, but looks can be deceiving. And I think the last tip I have for you today is that what we tend to do to other people's genitals is what we've learned to do to our own. So you might be pleasuring a partner the way that you pleasure your cock, which probably applies a lot more speed and a lot more pressure. Makes sense. I would do that too. I would do what works for me on someone else. Very instinctual, very smart, but very rarely does that flow. That's oftentimes too hard, too fast. So we really gotta go back to what Willow mentioned in the beginning of this episode. Less. Less is more. Less is more.

Stillness Rhythm and Sex as Dance

Leah 37:36

More stillness, more slowness, more full connection to the whole vulva. Then let her, with her own pelvis, lean in to the stimulation that she wants. She'll grind against you the way that feels good. Her system will just automatically orient itself to it. And if you've got music on in the background, that has rhythm and beat, and our body kinda starts to drop in just somatically to rhythm and beat, and we'll start to arch into the touch with a little bit about... with that background music It can really, really is helpful

Willow 38:11

I almost never have sex without music in the background anymore. I mean, it feels really like... I'm like, "Something's missing." You know, you gotta have, you gotta have some tunes to move to. It's a dance. Sex is a dance. It's a sexy dance, and it's super fun. You know, one of the things we often say when we're teaching live is we talk about, um, stillness being one of the most powerful and one of the most underutilized strokes out there, stillness. And, um, you know, it's, it... There's a, a dance between stimulating and getting things revved up and warmed up and juiced up and flowing, getting arousal turned on, and then there's a time to pause. And sometimes in that pause when you're holding, maybe just cupping the vulva or one hand on the vulva, one hand on the heart, running circuitry, running energy between the heart to the vulva, it's in those moments that a woman's body can really, um, discover, uh, new things about herself. And sometimes that discovery is a, a release of emotion or a release of laughter, or just an internal experience of like, "Oh my God, I am worthy. I am valuable. I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am a child of God. I am love. All I am is love." You know? And those experiences are what, again, heals everyone somatically and really gives this new sense of confidence that you can create anything you want in your life, because sexual energy is creative energy. It creates a whole new human being, so why not create a whole new human life for yourself with this energy? So we can really be each other's sexual healers. We can really help each other and support each other's bodies in releasing the systemic shame that is so deep and so old that we d- we're not even conscious of it most of the time. And we can really help to support each other and open each other up to this truth of love is at the root of what we all are

Leah 40:23

Yeah. So we've got Rooted in Desire is coming to Santa Barbara and coming to Sacramento. Sacramento's gonna be in November. Uh, Santa Barbara, I believe,

Workshops and Final Wrap Up

Leah 40:32

is in January. Those classes fill up, so the link will be in the show notes, sexreimagined.com/rooted-in-desire. And come check it out if you really wanna learn, ladies, how to understand the, how your, um, sexual system works for the greatest amount of depth, of transformation, of transcendence, of love, and of get off. Let us help you capitalize and get into connection with your desire from a really deep place. And, and it's the nuts and bolts. It goes from the anatomy, and it goes to your mind because how you get turned on and the type of orgasms you can have in penetration also works with learning how to harness your erotic mind. It's not about necessarily getting out of your head. It's knowing what to do with your head that brings you amazing pleasure. So we hope to see you down the Tantra trail, and please take a look at our catalog of masterclasses because we go into some in-depth study around all these areas, and they're really great little short classes, uh, that you can easily, uh, digest and then integrate into all aspects of your life

Willow 41:51

Thanks everyone for tuning in. We'll see you on the other side

Leah 41:54

Yeah. Love you long time. Bye

Speaker 4 42:01

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and functional medicine doctor and Taoist sexology teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.