Leah & Dr. Willow: Rupture to Rapture - The Secret to Turning a Fight into Deeper Love | #205

From Rupture to Rapture: How Do You Actually Find Your Way Back to Your Partner After a Fight? In this episode of Sex Reimagined, Leah Piper and Dr. Willow Brown map out the full journey from relationship rupture to reconnection, walking through the exact sequence they use in their own partnerships and coaching work. They cover self regulation tools like havening, co-regulation practices like the Tantra Cuddle and chakra spooning, the "bubble practice" for clearing a conversation before it starts, and why slow, non-sexual touch is often the missing bridge between conflict and intimacy. They also get into samskaras, the old wounds that get triggered mid-argument, and why naming them out loud can turn a fight into one of the most bonding conversations a couple can have.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

• Why a rupture with your partner isn't the problem, and what actually determines whether it pulls you apart or brings you closer
• The self soothing touch technique that calms your nervous system before you say another word
• A spooning practice that syncs your breath and your energy faster than any conversation can
• The "bubble" you need to build before a hard conversation even starts
• What your partner's words might really be touching from your past, and why naming it changes everything
• The non-sexual touch practice that has to happen before you get anywhere near rapture

LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE: https://www.sexreimagined.com/blog/rupture-to-repair-reconnect-after-a-fight 

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Transcript

Rupture to Rapture Intro

Willow 1:04

Isn't it the worst when you go into discord with your partner? You have a total rupture, and you just have no idea how to get yourself back to harmony and balance, and maybe even rapture. So in today's episode, we're talking about how to get from rupture to rapture. I'm Dr. Willow Brown, and I'm here with the one and only Leah Pyper. We are Sex Reimagined, and if you're a fan of the podcast and you have not yet shared this with a friend, then we would so love for you to do that. And of course, always hit the like button and subscribe button anywhere applicable, because it really helps our algorithm give you more and more incredible information on how to make your intimate life amazing

Leah 1:51

So tune in, turn on, and fall in love with more rapture, baby

Speaker 1:55

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined podcast, where sex is shame-free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show

Willow 2:03

We've all been there. It's no fun.

Leah 2:07

Yeah, no one likes a detonation

Willow 2:09

feels like hitting a wall sometimes. You know, you're like cruising along, everything's good, and then all of a sudden you have this total disagreement, this total discord, and you're like, "What the fuck? Your perspective and my perspective on this couldn't be more different, and I have no idea how to even see your point of view." It can just really go on for days. It depends too on like your, pattern around holding onto discord and rupture and your partner's pattern. I-- my last long-term partner, he would hold onto shit for three, four, five days sometimes, and that fucking drove me crazy 'cause I got Aries rising and I was like, "Let's move on."

Leah 2:49

Right.

Angry Sex vs Repair

Leah 2:50

some people, like, they're just wired for, makeup sex and, like, angry sex. Like, they can go from fight to fucking. they can... They enjoy hateful fucking. Um, I'm not quite wired that way. I do think that's interesting, you know? I think my, my pussy shuts down if there's a rupture and it hasn't been resolved. Um, and I think for a lot of men, uh, they might be able to have sex, but their heart stays closed. So what happens is the circuitry, I think, between bodies can stop that rapture from happening. And so there has to be, if there's been a rupture, you have to, um, have a repair in order for rapture, for most people, to come back to that unified place. I, though I would love to, like, find out more about these people who can do it without the repair. I'm really curious to see what that's like for them

Willow 3:54

Well, that's, uh, yeah. I mean, I, I imagine for people who like to a- angry fuck or like, you know, "I'm so pissed off at you, but fuck me anyway," that kind of energy, I

Leah 4:04

transgression in that is, might be hot

Willow 4:06

Yeah, it might be hot. There might be it's kinky. You know, there's a little kinky edge to it. Plus also, it might touch a part of them that they hate themselves. You know, they're like, "Oh, it's, it's really getting like I'm being seen and acknowledged in this place inside of me that I really don't like inside of me as well." So, you know, there's so many layers

Leah 4:26

Yeah, you can fuck that open.

Willow 4:27

yeah, what that could be about, for

Leah 4:30

Yeah. So that's one way to maybe play with it.

Willow 4:33

Yeah, you can

Leah 4:34

but probably hard for most people to engage it that way. But I do think that is a-- I do think that that could be a legitimate avenue of discovery, of being able to play with that transgressive energy to work it out somatically through sex. I mean, that could be really valid for some people. But I imagine that for the majority of the people who are listening to this show, there's more about, like, what we wanna really play with is the repair part of a, of a rupture and what's required there in order to find rapture with each other again. What do you have to say about that?

Make a Commitment to Reconnection

Willow 5:14

One of the things that is really useful is, um, coming back together. Like taking the, the t- like if you need some time apart, go to your own separate corners for, for a minute, take a breather. Maybe that minute of separate corners is, you know, half an hour, could be an hour, could be a whole day depending on what the rupture is about. But then coming back towards each other and getting your bodies actually close to each other, your nervous systems close to each other as soon as you can, I think that really can cut down on the, the meaning making of the rupture. I think we can go into so much story the f- the longer that we stay apart from each other physically, we go into so much story. I mean, I see a lot of long distance relationships when, when things go into discord or rupture. There's, uh, you know, they don't... The logistics are that they can't then get their bodies back together again, and stories just start to, you know, story out themselves and pretty soon you're lost in something that doesn't even, never even existed, so

Self Regulation Havening

Leah 6:24

Yeah, I think, um, for self-regulation, I think that's, uh, I think that's some good advice is taking some time to just self-regulate, get your heartbeat down so it's not beating so fast. Uh, there's a technique called havening, and I encourage you to search for it on YouTube, and it's a way of petting. You, you, you use... If you're watching this, you can see what I'm doing. I'm bringing... I've crossed my hands against my chest. My hands are now at my shoulders, and then I caress downward down the arms, and then I uncross my arms, then I cross them back again, placing them on my shoulders, and I'm petting down my arms. You can also do it like you're caressing the face. Your right hand would caress from your forehead down your chin and jaw, then your left hand would come to the other side of the forehead, caress down. It's called havening, and haven is a powerful word. So it's a great way to self-regulate where you're dealing with the delta waves of the brain and you're bringing yourself into a, um, a parasympathetic, uh, holding pattern in your system so everything can start to regulate and cool down. And I think from there, your ability to co-regulate with a partner becomes more, um, successful.

Tantra Cuddle Co Regulation

Leah 7:40

And one of the techniques that we use in Tantra is called the Tantra Cuddle, and it's a way where you're spooning. You go into the classic spooning position. You've got your big spoon and your little spoon, but what you're focusing on is getting your breaths to regulate together, so you're both breathing in and breathing out at the same time. Once you're a little bit more advanced student and you've studied the chakras a little bit, the big spoon is gonna hold two chakras of the little spoon so that they're both now focusing on the same chakra at the same time, and then you're breathing into that chakra. And then the next step, uh, to advance the practice is to then work with the way that you are circulating energy between you and your partner using the breath and how you include the Earth to bring more groundedness into your experience. And because your chakras have a relationship with each other, it goes beyond your own relationship with each other. It's like another dimension because it's more on an energy plane. It's a chakra to chakra. Sometimes your chakras can bond and unite and harmonize faster than what you can accomplish through language and through words and through communication. It's a, it's a non-verbal kind of communication, and that's a really, really powerful way to sync up your nervous systems too.

Willow 8:56

Yeah, I think that's really wise to when you first come back together, do the, the chakra spooning meditation first, you know, just to get your bodies realigned, your nervous systems in a place of love and connection and harmony. And then you can go into the, "Let's talk about this. Okay, let's see if we can find our way to harmony about whatever it was."

Bubble Practice Container

Willow 9:18

We often do, um, something called the bubble practice, where we will set up a container for the conversation and, you know, I'll put... Uh, we'll both go through, like, what do we wanna take out of the, the bubble? What do we wanna take out of this container where we're gonna have a conversation to make our way back to love? And we'll take out, you know, regret. We'll take out, um, pain. We'll take out fear. We'll take out martyrdom. We'll take out... What else will we take

Leah 9:49

Criticism, judgment, um, blame, shame. Um, and it's amazing how much it cleanses the environment,

Willow 9:59

It's

Leah 9:59

and it resets the body so now your attention is not on those things. Because the next part of the practice is now you bring in what you want in the bubble, which is safety, integrity, honesty, understanding, compassion, um, being able to see what wasn't able to be seen before, uh, insight, um, you know, love. And now you're, now you've taken things out that you, that are not helpful. Now you're bringing in things that are helpful to the conversation, and you'll feel a dramatic shift between the two of you before you've even started to get to the nuts and bolts.

Own Your Side of the Street

Willow 10:40

Yeah. From there, from there it's really important to own your own side of the street, as they say in couples therapy all the time. It's like, "This, this is what I experienced. This is what I heard. This-- When I heard this, I experienced that." You know, maybe the other person did not mean for you to experience that. Usually they didn't. They did not mean for you to hear it that way. It's just a lot of times we're carrying what the, um, ancients called samskaras, these imprints from the past where, like, all of a sudden we hear somebody say words in a certain way to us, it reminds us of when we were four years old and our grandfather, like, weirdly shamed our body in some way, and we go into this shame spiral, and then all of a sudden we're like, "You're my grandfather," and, "Ah, what are you doing?" And, and now I have this whole story about how you're, you know, looking at me or, or viewing me or judging me in a way that just makes me feel small. And that's how a lot of ruptures happen. So if we can be aware of our samskaras and really, uh, take responsibility for them in these ruptures, that can go a really long way as well. And it can also open up a lot more love and understanding between the two of you if you're able to actually verbalize, "Oh God, you know, when you said it this way, it reminded me of when I was four years old and my grandfather, who was a sexual perpetrator," whatever the story is that you lived through, "said something about my chest or something," whatever it was, "and when you did that, it, like, turned this whole thing in on myself, and it just turned into what it turned into." So then the other person knows that part of your story. They know why you went into the reaction you went into, and they can now forevermore hold that in their consciousness and awareness, which will deepen your relationship over time.

Leah 12:40

Yeah, you know, I think that's a really great question to ask your partner. "So you felt like this when I said that. Are there any other times that that has felt familiar to you in the past? What else does that remind you of?"

Willow 12:55

Yeah

Leah 12:55

help unearth maybe a little more history, a little more wounding that's connected to that feeling. What's powerful about that is then you both start to realize that it's a lot less personal than you thought it was, and now you're able to hold something much more spacious, and it opens-- it kinda gets you to feel more compassion for your partner because now you understand them at a deeper level. Like, "Wow, I had no idea that this impacts you like this, and there's a whole history as to why. That really makes sense, babe." You know, Willow and I had an experience of that the other week when we were talking about, you know, a dynamic in our collaboration and, and she was, like, offering me an opportunity to go, "Well, maybe this is the role that you should take." And I was like, Oh no, that's a dangerous role, and this is why." And she was like, "Oh my gosh, now I feel like I can protect you a little bit more, like, within the structure of it." And it was really moving for both of us to unearth that, and I think it was a surprise for both of us to unearth it.

Curiosity and Belonging

Leah 13:55

And so it's those kinds of questions when you're bringing curiosity to a high-stakes conversation, it is really, um, the biggest key to stepping back from judgmental or defensive comments, is to really find that feeling of curiosity. It's like, "Well, gosh, that's really interesting that you saw it that way," or, "Gosh, that's really interesting that when I hear that, there's a thought, an attack thought that comes up in my own mind that either attacks you or attacks me."

Willow 15:57

Mm-hmm.

Leah 15:57

so then you can start to go, "Okay, what are the attack thoughts that are causing this rupture?" It, it, and it's like, it's like, is it a detonation? Is it a rupture? It doesn't matter. It's basically the same thing, and it's causing separation. And when we are separate, it's a terrible feeling. Separateness is a terrible feeling. We wanna get from, from separate, and we wanna get to a feeling of belonging. So that's another element that you wanna think about, is how can I create more belonging for myself and for my partner, which is gonna help us unify so that we can find some rapture together?

Willow 16:33

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Once you've kind of moved through and you're, you're like, "Oh, I'm in deeper understanding of you, and I just wanna be close to you, and let me just hold you," and you've kind of

Non-Sexual Intimacy with Tantric Rituals

Willow 16:43

moved through the rupture stage of this whole journey, then it's really nice to not just move right into, "Okay, let's get frisky. Let's fuck," but actually move into more of a, a tantric space. Like, let's have a, let's have a sexual tantric ritual practice tonight where we, where we really set up the mood, we put on the music, and we light the candles, and we really take our time and just be together without any distractions, and we actually look into each other's eyes, and we actually breathe together, and there's absolutely no agenda for, for intercourse to happen at all. You know, taking all pressure off of the whole ritual and off of the whole situation so that you can really just drop into why you're with that person in the first place.

Leah 17:36

Yeah. It's about restoring closeness. It's not about having sex or even being sexual. It's about having actually really spending a lot of time with non-sexual touch. Um, when you can engage with non-sexual intimacy through non-sexual touch, you're creating safety for each other's bodies, and it helps cultivate trust that we can go through something hard and we are strong enough to come back together and it will actually make us stronger. There's a very c- particular powerful type of intimacy that goes, we can be in conflict and our conflict is purposeful and it makes us stronger as a couple. So I'm not afraid of our ruptures. I know that our ruptures have purpose that lead us to actually something that's deeper and more meaningful and in order to capitalize on that, you need a period of non-sexual touch that's very purposeful and intentional where you're regulating your breathing and you're, you're letting yourself be seen with that eye contact like Willow said and you're do- you're doing very purposeful, slow, long types of caressing and I highly recommend that you both have a chance to be the giver and the receiver. So you can even put a timer on. It's like for the next 10 minutes I'm just gonna bring loving touch to the back

Slow Touch Temperature Check

Leah 19:06

of your body and I'm not trying to get you off or get you horny. I'm just bringing you into your body and I'm reestablishing, uh, trust and safety. And then you switch off and then your partner does it to you and if it's feeling really good and your bodies are opening and you're feeling safe, flip over and do it again to the front of your partner's body another 10 minutes. And you don't have to avoid the sexy bits but you don't go diddling. There's no twisting nipples and flicking clits and rubbing tips of dicks. It's just you're not afraid to caress by those parts but you're not trying to make something happen and then see what it feels like after that full where you've both received now for 20 minutes, you've both given now for 20 minutes. Where are things at? How are things settled? Take the emotional temperature in the space. If it starts to turn sensual, great. Move to the next step of maybe having some more rapture between the two of you

Willow 20:06

Yeah. And, and one thing if, you know, if you've had a different... If you're-- Wherever you're at on your sexual journey, everyone's in a different place, you might need to keep your clothes on for this intimacy to really... And this is a temperature check for yourself. Like, you have to listen to your own body and your own nervous system and not judge yourself. Like, "Okay, yeah, I'm willing to go into an intimacy space with you now and have a deeper, you know, receiving session and giving session with you, but I'm keeping my clothes on." 'Cause if that's where you're at, and that's what makes you feel safer in the moment, you ought to listen to that, because you will get closer to rapture more efficiently and more effectively when you don't override your own system. So always listen to that. And the, the journey to rapture, it doesn't all happen in one day. Sometimes it takes several of these reconnecting sensuality, you know, sleeping together, maybe doing the spooning several times before it's like, "Okay, now my vajayjay is open and ready to dive into more rapture, more sexual, more, uh, arousal levels."

Leah 21:24

I think th- that is a really good thing that you mentioned because sometimes ruptures are so big in a relationship that they last years.

Willow 21:33

Yeah,

Leah 21:33

when you're trying to repair from a rupture that has just been so devastating and it's been 10 years since you've had ever, uh, have had any sensuality and you're now just kinda coming to it for the first time, you're gonna need slow, gentle, non-sexual intimacy to build and restore, um, all that trust that had gotten, that, that was divided. And then y- your, your ramp is gonna be a slower ramp, but, um, it's the way to come back. So let's go over sort of the steps. Okay, you've had the rupture. Go have some space between each other and do

Step by Step Recap

Leah 22:14

some self-regulation. Then when you're ready, come back and do some co-regulation, some, some holding, some breathing, maybe a little eye contact. Then create a container for you to have a conversation, and take your questions to a deeper level. What's underneath the rupture? What is it about what you're feeling or the impact of this experience, what else does that remind you of from the past? How can we get to know each other even deeper by asking deeper inquiry questions, staying very curious? Um, if needed, you do another exercise. Maybe it's the chakra spooning, and you start to get the energy flowing between the two of you. You might need to have another conversation, or maybe it's time to step into some non-sexual touch-touch, where you're then just caressing, taking turns being the receiver and the giver, taking the temperature of where are you at in your intimacy, and then seeing if the next stage is to get sexual. Anything I'm missing there

Willow 23:18

No, I think you pretty much covered, covered it all. And yeah, like, I like what you said too about, you know, you might wanna go in a couple of rounds. You might need several rounds of the bubble. You might need several rounds of the self-havening. You might need several rounds. So that's where you get to empower yourself by taking care of your needs and really keeping your finger on the pulse of where you're at in the process, and make that your responsibility, not your partner's responsibility. I think we go awry and get back into the repeat patterns of the repeat ruptures that happen in long-term relationships when we expect that they should know where we're at in our process. "We've been together for 25 years, you should know exactly where I'm at in my process." But that's disempowering. We sh- we have the opportunity here to take our power back and to speak up. "Here's where I'm at in my process. I wanna share it with you so that you understand where I'm at. Where are you at in your process? I wanna understand and know where you're at." Because everyone's at a different place in their process, at different points in their life journey. We go through different seasons, our hormones change, we have more capacity. We don't care about shit that we used to care about, but we care about other shit now, you know? So we really wanna keep each other well-informed, even if we've been together and really, really know each other inside and out.

Leah 24:46

Now, one thing that Matt and I are doing this weekend, which I think we'll bring Matt onto the show so we'll be able to discuss our adventure,

Dark Types and Playful Kink

Leah 24:54

but Willow's already done it, is, um, the Light and Dark Institute. And one of the things I'm really curious in this sort of inquiry of, uh, rupture to rapture is how can we go into these darker types or this archetype that we are oftentimes suppressing? I think one of them I heard is the needy wretch, where you can really play all out and, like, really express, oh, the character of this needy wretch, which we probably all have,

Willow 25:24

We all have

Leah 25:25

so I can't wait to learn about them, where then you can kind of go into, like, a hyper drama b- that makes you laugh when you look at the ridiculousness of whatever you're acting out that is kind of a part of the drama of whatever this rupture is. And so I think there's another way to, um, tackle some of this, and so maybe we'll do a part two to this episode to talk about some really creative ways to maybe kink out on your ruptures, uh, so that there's a more creative somatic expression of how you get to r- rapture due to a rupture that's a little bit more, um, somatic and playful, where you can kind of bring in the high drama of your ego. So that you can, by the end of it, not take yourself so damn seriously.

Willow 26:16

Yeah. You know, that is one of the most beautiful things about what the dark types bring to an intimate relationship, and especially, um, one with, that has, carries a lot of consciousness like you and Matt have, you know? So I'm, I'm so excited for you guys 'cause I think it's just gonna be really fun for you both to get in... You get into characters. I mean, Leah always wanted to be an actress, right? She-- So here she has created this life stage for herself. But she plays out characters really well, and it will be good for Matt to play into his own inner characters. 'Cause we all have all these different parts inside of us. We all have all these

Leah 26:53

They're all hiding. We don't want anyone to see these shadowy gremlins that we

Willow 26:57

Yeah. Yeah. And but it's so fun to let them out and to really let them be felt. Because when you let them be felt, it takes off the charge of them and that seriousness that we go into. Like, "This is so, this is so painful for me. This is so intense for me. This is so serious for me." It's like, well, okay, there's a part of you that keeps playing that pattern out in relationships and in your life, so there must be some part of you that loves that experience. Well, where is that part of you, and how do you wanna play with it? So that'll be a very, very fascinating

Leah 27:34

It'll be very fascinating. Yeah, I think that's hard for people to accept that they could possibly love a part of their pain body that keeps them attached to the story and their victimness, right? Yeah. Right. Right. So it's like not bypassing that, but like actually turning towards it.

Willow 27:53

Yeah, going

Leah 27:54

I think there's a, a really interesting paradoxical healing that is made possible when you can turn towards the things that you don't like about yourself and that you don't want anyone to see.

Willow 28:06

Yeah, it's massive. I have some friends who are well-versed in this work and, um, you know, because we know the work and we know the language, we're safe for each other to play it out. And for some of these men to be able to play out the needy wretch and just to be like, Willow, love me, I want you," da, da, da, you know, to really, like, have that inner little one who's like, "Just, Mom, pay attention to me. I need you. I want you." Like, "Woman, pay attention to me." Like, "I, I am so much in need of this femininity from outside of me." It's so healing for them to

Leah 28:42

how did that impact you to hear that and to hold that for someone?

Willow 28:47

it's been interesting, you know? It's been, for me it's like, okay, that's, that touches a place inside of me that's, that's interested in being wanted, for sure. There's like my little ego stroke likes that. And then there's also the place inside of me that's like, "Well, I gotta pull my energy back then 'cause I don't wanna hurt you."

Leah 29:08

Right

Willow 29:08

also the place in me that's like, "Okay, I'm here for it. I'm here for that needy little boy inside of you, and I witness, and I'm, I'm not going anywhere."

Leah 29:19

Is there another part that's afraid of the responsibility that's coming at you that feels like, "Oh God, do I have to pick this up? I don't want to"?

Willow 29:25

No, because of the responsibility that they are holding for themselves. So that makes a big difference

Leah 29:34

Yeah, I bet. I really, uh, I imagine that that's what makes it all possible.

Willow 29:38

Exactly.

Leah 29:39

Yeah.

Willow 29:40

So I'm so excited. This is gonna be

Leah 29:41

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Um, uh, have you asked the teachers to be on the podcast?

Willow 29:48

No, I was just gonna say

Leah 29:49

Yeah, I

Willow 29:50

off air. Yeah.

Leah 29:51

Cool, cool.

Willow 29:52

great to have Leslie on. He's, he's the main, main guy now

Leah 29:58

Okay, great. All right, sweetie. Well, hey everyone, we love you long time. Until next time, keep loving each other

Speaker 3 30:05

Thanks for tuning in. This episode

Closing and Next Time

Speaker 3 30:07

was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology Teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.