Tom and Bert WIFE SWAP then DIVORCE

Tom and Chris--I mean, Tom and LeeAnn and Bert and Lee--I mean, Christina. Tom and Ber--I mean, Tom and LeeAnn with Bert and Christina... TommyBear and LeeLee WITH BertyBoo and Chrissy P

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:01

You've been through birth and death? Cancer.

SPEAKER_05 0:14

Cancer.

SPEAKER_04 0:17

Sometimes I think because you love these ladies of the porn so much. I did a porn. Maybe you would love me more. Is that accurate? Right. What a sad fucking thought. Maybe you would love me as much as I don't love Christina Rose. If I put a baseball bat in one base. That's really your thought. There's some kernel of truth here. Thanks for having me. I'm going to get you know to Chick-fil-A before it closes on Sunday. More than anything, screaming our um bugs and sweaters.

SPEAKER_03 1:22

I am Skinny Bird Chrysler and I'm here with the blue jump tail. Leave me the crazer with voice.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

Christina died. What would your move be? Like, what would you do?

SPEAKER_13 1:37

Enjoy my life. I'm another one.

SPEAKER_04 1:39

Christina, it's an allergy, you don't love. I do know I am fucking a guy that's scared of toast.

SPEAKER_12 1:49

I gotta say it's going well.

SPEAKER_04 1:50

Are you are you being sarcastic?

SPEAKER_12 1:52

No, I'm being totally sick.

SPEAKER_06 2:02

And Bert, I think Bert's very sexy, yeah. Obviously, very attracted to Bert.

SPEAKER_03 2:06

By the way, for the record, in case you guys wonder, I got my blow top too.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

I heard how interesting that. This is my quarterback. Their neighbor, Jeffrey, call me.

SPEAKER_06 2:16

You don't even know their neighbor. That's not true either. But why would you say that? That's not a nice thing to say.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

Take it out. Take that out. Take that out.

SPEAKER_04 2:25

Shut up. That's just not nice. What does she say? Oh, I do intermittent fasting. Like, yeah, so does half the world. It's called starvation, bitch.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

Would you really follow at the same time?

SPEAKER_04 2:34

Totally.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

That's so crazy. Why would you need to fucking lay down? Like, what's wrong with our wives?

SPEAKER_00 2:40

They're holding on to they're they're they're holding on that's nice, you know? They don't want to share.

SPEAKER_04 2:46

This is my salespage on the staying married forever, okay.

SPEAKER_13 2:56

New Christine. Hi. Hi. How are you?

SPEAKER_04 3:01

I am breaking the cycle of generational trauma. And it's a lot of work, okay? So here's what I've done so far. So it's like a decade in therapy, and then I drink my coffee, I take a shit, and I am still so fucked up. I'm so fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_02 3:18

That's the hardest I've ever seen you laugh at. It's the hardest I've laughed.

SPEAKER_10 3:28

Penis. Penis. Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina. While we did sort of uh dogpile podcast cringe in that Brendan Schab episode the other day, I kind of took the piss out of him. Admittedly, he did do a pretty good job uh showcasing the whole guy Fierry episode. You know, I guess demons, after all, are fallen angels. They used to have their wings every once in a while, you know. Even Podcast Cringe himself can still hit a double. It was something kind of alright half-decent. Because I only watched the first 20 minutes or so of uh cherry episode. You know, I was waiting for my burger from Red Robin. Once I got there, I was a little preoccupied in heaven eating that delicious, delicious uh buzzer beater burger. But I guess podcasts Yikes. Big cough. Alex, what are you coughing for? You like you sick? No, no, no, no. Robbie, get this, guys. You're never gonna believe it. Actually, just went ahead, popped his cherry, and actually packed a good fucking bowl for once.

SPEAKER_11 4:16

This is a great fucking bowl.

SPEAKER_10 4:17

It was a great fucking bowl. It was good. And uh again, it just shows how humble and kind and and generous and fantastic of a host I really am in the sense that it's like, you know what? I can let that slip under the rug. And I think in Alex, now you're gonna boast about how amazing of a noble thing it is. It's like, guys, I really could have let slip under the rug. There was nothing. Robbie forgot about it. Robbie had already forgotten how good the bull he packed was. He wasn't looking for glory, but I gave him to anyway. See, and you're always looking out for me. Well, yeah, I only watched like the first 20 minutes. And I guess the podcast cringe did serve his utilitarian purpose of being the real life equivalent of like the whole TLDR thing. Nonsense for podcasts. Mm-hmm. That's a pretty good way of describing it, actually. It's the most credit I'll ever give him. But you know, like I said, I only really watched 20 minutes of it. I didn't go the full red bar deep dive into the video. Multiple rewatches with you know an in-depth analysis and notes. I'm really, really, really This is like the part in a story where like the journalist gets the bad scoop with the bad intel and doesn't fact-check his sources and wants to get it out in time and really spazzes him. It could be that. I'm taking a real gamble here, trusting podcast cringe, taking it out what he's saying at face value, believing his usually slanderous words.

SPEAKER_09 5:19

Actually, you know, that's a pretty bad idea. You want to write it.

SPEAKER_10 5:21

It's a bad idea because he's podcast cringe.

SPEAKER_09 5:22

Well, not only that, this is something you actually s I do listen when you talk, actually. You say this all the time. You say if you take one step in a direction, it's not you, something else you say after that. You're doing it by giving it away.

SPEAKER_10 5:31

I can tell you listen to me a lot when I say it.

SPEAKER_09 5:33

I got half of it.

SPEAKER_10 5:34

Yeah, you got half of it. Something about like taking one step and one direction is not the right step in the next step also won't be that step. Something like something like that, something over there. In so fact it's a step. Yeah. I think we're gonna just bite the bullet, hope that podcast cringe serves some purpose and he's not entirely useless, taking what he said in that 13-minute video and two times speed to get through his monotony.

SPEAKER_09 5:50

Oh, what are you doing, baby?

SPEAKER_10 5:51

But watching it, what are you doing, B? But watching that video, I'll be the guy to you know, I'll say what we're all thinking. Maybe Joe Rogan, even Joe Rogan, I know. You're thinking like Joe Rogan, the guy from Fear Fact there. Yes, that guy. The guy from News Radio, that one in the same, the UFC commentator, the host of the JRE show, maybe the multi, multi, multi, multi, multi, multi, multi, multimillionaire doesn't deserve all of it. The reason I say that is because like, you know, I think if you and me had a similar interview style show, right? If you and me decided to go the two bears, one cave route, where we decide to alternate episodes. You know, of course, if we ever decided to do the two bears and one cave route, we wouldn't just have the episodes were Tom and Bert talking about this and talking about that, right? And Tom, Bert and Tom. Yeah, Tom and Bert. Something like that. And the whole point of it is that they chat with each other and you know they bullshit the bullshit. Then they started interviewing people and they started just like, you know, alternating who interviews one person. I'm like, that would kind of make sense. You don't always want to. They actually alternate? I didn't realize I did that. I don't know. Maybe it could be lazy alternating.

SPEAKER_09 6:46

I thought it was when Tom doesn't want to do it. Bert takes care of the guests.

SPEAKER_10 6:48

I kind of assumed it was more so the guests who come on, like the the their agent tells them, hey, you gotta do two bears, one cave, because believe it or not, YMH actually somehow gets numbers, I guess. Forced to go on there. Because I don't think Tarantino's like, I really just want to talk to Tom. But I do think what happens is these agents put these actors and these directors and these producers and these interesting people, and they funnel them to these shitty podcasts like Two Bears, One Cave. Except for the ones where it's like, you know, uh the top two fifty killer assassins and all that nonsense. That I believe is them actually trying to network. Like when Matt Reif shows up on Two Bears, One Cave to talk to Tom Segora, that I believe was like a mutually parasitic relationship, but it's still mutualistic. They're both getting off on it. You're like, Alex, mutualism and parasitism are like two different, they can't know this time it is. They're both parasites, but they're both mutually parasiting off of one another. That's organic. When they have Tarantino show, that's like definitely funneled through something that's way too big for anyone to understand, some devil worshiping shit. Uh-huh. That stuff, I do think Tarantino gets showed like a one second, you know, one minute short of each of them for who these two fucking idiots are. And he's like, uh, that one seems less like an idiot. I'll talk to Tom.

SPEAKER_09 7:48

So you think he actually pegs it?

SPEAKER_10 7:49

Yes. I think those guests, like when Matthew McConaughey came on, he was like, you know what? They both seem so stupid, I should probably talk to both of them, because one-on-one I might just I might become just as stupid. At least if I can see them both being dumb, I'll know how to like you know get between the two of them. Navigate. Navigate through. But I think for the most part, they pick based on how dumb the other person seems. It's really a constant battle to see who's dumber, Tom or Bert. Bert or Tom. That's why they alternate, it's by chance. You know they they uh do like some blind test trial thing and they have two different groups and like the Fabrizio commercials, and they're like, you know, these foreign people came in here and thought this house smelled like shit. She's forgery came in and thought it smelled great, right? Yeah. I think it's the same kind of dynamics apply as far as who goes for Tom and who goes for Bert. It's really like a 50-50 split. Yeah. And that's why it seems like they're alternating, even though it's really not. It's a long, it's a long way of talking about a lot of nonsense in there. As far as actual things I wanted to discuss.

SPEAKER_09 8:31

I think you explained it perfectly.

SPEAKER_10 8:32

I think if you and me were to go on that avenue, not only would we do it better because we're not Tom and Bert, but we would also definitely not just like only upload episodes for months at a time where we weren't in the show together. I think if anything you'd have to be normal and maybe like, how about this? How about we usually upload four episodes of us talking a month, Tom and Bert. How about we just upload six episodes where we each record one bonus episode, but we still upload the four of us since the whole show's about us. And they said, no, no, no, no, no. We'll just we'll just kind of play it by ear. Sometimes it's just Tom, sometimes it's just Bert. Sometimes we're together.

SPEAKER_09 8:57

You know what they should maybe do actually? They should have uh two bears, one cave where it's the four of them. And then there's uh just that there's two.

SPEAKER_10 9:04

It's like a slightly 'cause like two bears is playful. You call a fat piece of shit guy a bear, that's kind of playful. You call a fat chick a bear, it's not as playful. That's kind of mean. But like what a hippo doesn't sound fun. An elephant sounds rude. A cow. That definitely isn't. That's a I agree with that. That's a good that's it's a very good description for a lot of people, but I don't think it sounds nice. What sounds nice? Uh Piggy Wiggy. Piggy wiggy. No, because pig also sounds like they're short. Uh-huh. Which is tough. You know, and people sound mean to women. It's like I'm trying so hard to find the right words here. I'm happy calling guys bears, okay? But everything about every I don't know. Most unfortunately most animals either are fat and sound dumb or they're too strong. You know, I can't say, oh, the fucking jaguars. That sounds nice, but like, no, jaguars are toned to shit. True. And t fucking my point is Christina P. Ryan, no, because she's soft too. She's not hard. Christina P and Leanne are kind of whatever. My point is it should be the two bears. Honestly, just two fucking two mama bears, two papa bears. Yeah, two mama bears, two papa bears, one cave.

SPEAKER_09 10:02

Yeah, one cave. And they become swingers. I honestly, I think And then they should make another called two bears, one cave, uh, bits, and that's where they have all the guests on.

SPEAKER_10 10:11

Realistically, that swinging idea is not bad. You know, we were giving advice to Brendan Schaub the other day, but maybe Tom and Bert do need to hear this. Maybe Tom and Bert do need to also hear this.

SPEAKER_09 10:21

Yeah, we're doing the world of service.

SPEAKER_10 10:22

This is advice for them. So we gave the advice to Brendan Schaub saying how he should just like uh stop being friends with Brian Cow and start being friends with me. Okay? Now you gotta argue people could argue, hear that. They could say, Alex, that's self-serving. That's you trying to benefit off of Brendan Schaub. And that could be a third sentiment. This next idea is. Mutually parasitic, sure. The next idea is entirely me just throwing it out there. It's like when someone says, like, uh when Sean Parker said drop the the before Facebook it's cleaner, and Zuckerberg and uh Eward or Savern were like, that's a really good idea. I'm kind of doing one of those right here. All right, and I'm not even asking for 3.5% interest. I'm literally this is on the arm for Tom and Bert. You said it's a throwaway line, but like Mitchell Hurowitz, we're not letting that slide. Okay, throw nothing's a throwaway line. That being said, Tom and Bert should strongly consider swinging. And exclusively within the parameters of their two established master bedrooms. It should not be like, you know, where they get free, because it's not fair, okay? Leanne's ugly and Christina's ugly, okay? And while Tom and Bert are also ugly, Tom and Bert are substantially more famous, which means it's an unfair paradox we're in, where they get to have sex with super hot snatch, and you're gonna be banging dirty dick ugly guys. We don't want that for you. That's not fair to you, okay? You already have to deal with your husband. It'd be making a whole giant cesspool, it's gonna be really just honestly you're gonna both feel suicidal, okay? It won't be a liberating experience for either of you. Look in the mirror, I'm being honest. So, with that being stated, right? Realistically, they're not gonna be, you know, going to Pound Town with Austin Butler and fucking Timothy Shalom. They're gonna take over Hollywood with the new hot young studs, where it's like the whole uh who's that actress who like was like famous because she's like just had like there's some and this is not an insult, some whore, but like in the best possible way, because this is awesome. Susan Saranda. No, Susan Saranda's hot though. That's she's not the one, it's someone a little older than her. Oh okay. Similar titty size, but someone who's a little older than her. Some actress who's like famous for just like, oh, you're the new young male actor in Hollywood, well, you're gonna have to have sex with me first. And unfortunately, maybe the other day, it was one of those like annoying, really pretentious people who care way too much about the Oscars. Uh-huh. And they're like a very famous known thing, it's right at Hollywood. How this person was like through like literally four generations, like literally like Robert read first to like Brad Pitt bang this chick. Okay. Super badass. That's high quality stuff. My point is, unfortunately, while Christ CNFP, he's like, you know, what's what's her dumb special called? I want to make one of her name. That's so dumb I forgot about it. Hot moms or something? Maybe. She was wearing pink or something. Wasn't that a part of it? The pink jacket late. What was the fucking nonsense? Dumb shit?

SPEAKER_09 12:38

Hot mom's jeans and pink jacket.

SPEAKER_10 12:41

Whore? No. Um that was like a normal whore, which is fine to say. My point is, no one's making the biopic about Christina P opening up her marriage. Because she's not banging Brad Pitt. She's not famous enough. But unfortunately, in the society we live in, Tom Segore, if he opens up the marriage fully, he might get to bang like Lauren Compton if he hasn't already done it, right? You're thinking Lauren Compton's a dumb idiot. That's true. But Tom's still she's hot, but Tom's still ugly. He can't get like an actual like, you know, Emma Stone type because he's too dumb and too ugly.

SPEAKER_09 13:10

Yeah. Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_10 13:11

But he could get like some hot bimbo type, you know? Sure. And it's not fair, because bimbos go for ugly guys way more often than himbos go for ugly girls.

SPEAKER_08 13:18

That's true.

SPEAKER_10 13:19

I feel bad for girls in that. That's not fair. Ugly women need play too. But my point of that, which is true, ugly women do need play. What should happen is that Tom and Bert should open up their marriages exclusively to the other marriage. And not quite like a cod not quatet. Quatet? A quartet quartet. A quartet, yeah. I became French. I was like letus. Uh not quite a quartet, because I don't quite, you know, the idea personally, me thinking about Tom and Bert getting it on.

SPEAKER_09 13:46

Oh, is that what you were talking about? That's what it sounded like.

SPEAKER_10 13:47

No, no, I'm not, I don't want it to be that. I re- I re I reject that entire idea. It should be a four-way marriage, but exclusively in a heterosexual way. There's no Christina and there's no Christina and uh Leanne play, and there's no Tom and Bert play. Okay, the world would cease to exist if those things happen. It'd be like cataclysmic.

SPEAKER_09 14:03

So on Tuesdays, Christina's in Tom's bed, and like on Wednesday she's in Bird's bed.

SPEAKER_10 14:06

I don't think they have I think they're a lot more rigid than they let on, all four of them. So I don't think they have that kind of flexibility. I think the only way they could actually process this in their pea brains, like I think comedian brains. In their comedian brains. I think a I think if the normal pedestrian brain could possibly handle a nightly root switch off where it's like this quite fun, like honestly, it's like uh it's just really uh every single day is like walking through a new door, right? Girl A, girl B, girl A, right? It's pretty cool. I think in the case of Tom, Burt, Leanne, and Christina, they need to have a lot more uh rigidness to it, a lot more structure. So I'm thinking it's probably one month on, one month off.

SPEAKER_08 14:38

Uh oh wow.

SPEAKER_10 14:39

We're gonna switch back and forth. That's a lot of commitment though. And the real benefit to this one is they really just keep it locked into the marriage, is I think it'll come to the point, and it won't start off this way, the first like six months, they're really gonna miss the other partner, what they're used to. But I really think after a strong six months back and forth. Yeah, when the routine sets in, they're gonna miss what they're used to. However, I think after six months, and not six months straight, I mean six different months spent out together, which means a whole year is past now. Also, when you alternate by month, okay, think about this. January, guys, I'm gonna I'm getting too excited. I gotta slow down, okay?

SPEAKER_09 15:06

I had no idea you like this topic so much. Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust.

SPEAKER_10 15:10

Okay. January. We're starting this in 2026, okay? 2025 is a wash. January 2026.

SPEAKER_09 15:16

There can't be a wash. 25 is just a few years. Okay, fine.

SPEAKER_10 15:19

This episode gets uploaded in June of 2025. It gets to fucking Bert's red face and Tom's bald head by August of 2025. They bring it up to Christina and uh Leanne. I can't remember the name. She's such a loser. What the fuck? Leanne? How about Betty Joe, you fat pig? She's actually not fat. That's mean. I'm sorry. It's rude. I'll call Bert fat because Bert's fat. Which doesn't make it mean.

SPEAKER_09 15:42

Yeah, see, it's just fair.

SPEAKER_10 15:43

It's just fair, okay? It's just fair enough. It's just unfair. People are like, stop saying mean things. Like, how can things that are true be mean? I'm sorry. But objective reality was what we all agreed upon.

SPEAKER_09 15:52

No, that's what we used to agree upon.

SPEAKER_10 15:53

Oh, that was that was the other world. You're right. I shouldn't go find some anorexic girl and say you look fat today. That's mean. It's messing with her, okay? Being like I shouldn't go find some giant person and point it out to them. No, you gotta tell them they're skinny. Yeah, but it was a lie. Sorry, I'm honest. This is an asshole. Yeah, because Jesus was talking about lying all day now, telling the truth. No, he said be constructive. I don't remember that in the Bible. I don't remember Jesus saying, hey guys, white lies are okay. None of that. That all being said, they talk to their wives in like September. It's a joke in September. It's propaganda. It's time for the holidays. No, no, no, no, no. Shut up. Oversimplifying. It's the time for the holidays, but the holidays play a much bigger part than a throwaway line of saying it's about the holidays, okay? Nothing is a throwaway. You introduce Yesterday's price is not today's price. You introduce this idea to them in summertime, okay? Summertime sadness is coming around, right? They go into the fall, things get a little cosier, okay? It's you know, they laugh about it in September. Yeah. It's a it's a it's a joke.

SPEAKER_08 16:55

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 16:55

October, Halloween time, Halloween party. What happens? One of them, probably Leanne, makes a joke when they're all in the kitchen, like, you know, refilling their drinks. Uh-huh. Or Tom's having a fucking seltzer or something. Yeah, while everyone else is having a normal time, being a human being, drinking stuff. He's pretending that he's in great shape, looking better than ever before. It's like you look worse. Okay? This is another thing, Tom, by the way, okay, yeah. Bert's obese, fat, disgusting, sure. You were kind of in like that galleon sh fat, like just hmm. You know, you know, remember that noise, Tom? Okay? You're kind of in that, like, you know, you're in that Robert Baratheon, like, fat, but like in a, you know, in a strong, not a strong way, because I saw you on the basketball court, but like in like a full-fledged way, like a manly way. Now you're like chubby in a gross way. And I'd rather be chub I'd be I'd rather be fat in a manly way than chubby in a boyish way.

SPEAKER_09 17:44

Yeah, that's that's yeah, it's boyish.

SPEAKER_10 17:46

It's boyish and weird.

SPEAKER_09 17:47

Y'all cute little glasses.

SPEAKER_10 17:49

My glasses, my shaved head, my white beard. I'm only uh that's a bold choice. I'm gonna be pale and also have like gray facial hair. That's a great combination. But that's besides the point, I'm getting off track by telling the truth again.

SPEAKER_09 17:59

You're supposed to be talking about Guy Fure.

SPEAKER_10 18:01

Guy Fierry, he can fuck himself, okay?

SPEAKER_09 18:02

I'm on Jarogan's side now.

SPEAKER_10 18:04

As far as this Tom debate, your thumbnail had a person who wasn't actually featured in the video in it. Oh my god, this is clickbait!

SPEAKER_09 18:10

Hey, that's what Podcast Critton does.

SPEAKER_10 18:11

I know, it's fine when podcasts, because he has, you know, red arrows and yellow outlines.

SPEAKER_09 18:15

We guess not doing that.

SPEAKER_10 18:16

Yeah, we guess I'm just having really shitty basic uh branding that everyone can just digest, like, yeah. That'd be no confusing. Confusion. Confusion, say. I'm having a manic episode right now fasting out. I'm so stoned. It's not fair. It's gonna reflect negatively on me. Okay, and I'm spinning gold here, I'm giving everyone pearls, and they're gonna be like, I can't die. Sorry for any of this. Don't worry, now I guess I'll back to base. Shut up. Okay? September, it's a joke. Okay, oh, that'd be so funny if Leanne and Bert switched right to the room. We're off September, we're at Halloween party. Halloween party, probably Leanne, she makes a joke. When they're all standing there making their drink, Tom's having a seltzer, she puts her hand on Tom's shoulder in a playful manner, but Christina eyes it, she sees it. Bert catches it immediately, but Bert, Bert doesn't quite because he loves Tom's watch, he doesn't even see it in the sense where he gets uh necessarily jealous. Like Christina sees it, she gets jealous. Bert sees it, and he knows that Christina's gonna be mad, so he gets more like he gets slightly more laser focused towards her where he kind of he's staring towards them, but he's side-eyeing Christina to his left. Here's the problem. Everyone gives Bert shit. Bert's a bro. Bert is a bro. Bert thought he would have noticed because he doesn't care about Leanne. He never did. Bert's bro. Leanne's gonna put her hand on Tom's shoulder, okay? Tom's too self-involved to think about anyone in the room but himself. He's gonna think, yeah, you look pretty good. Her hand's on my shoulder. And for everyone listening again, they're standing in a uh basically in a rectangle, okay? More think of it more of a diamond shape, okay? They're kind of around the kitchen island, they're all refilling their drinks, okay? Leanne puts her hand. You guys ever do Desperate Housewives? When Gabby kisses Tom and Lynette gets mad at the uh he wishes Tom Scavo, a real man, not Tom Segora. Very close. Both Italian last names, both S's, both A's, both O's. There's maybe not an own Sagora, but that's fine.

SPEAKER_09 19:46

It's also not Italian. It sounds like it could be.

SPEAKER_10 19:50

Segora! Exactly. And now when Tom hears this, he's gonna be like, God damn it, he's a fucking fan. Which will actually add fuel to the fire because then he'll hate me even more. He'd actually appreciate me if I never heard of stand-up at all. Because he, you know, I almost want to be an actor. I want to be a director and an actor. I never even want to be a stand-up comedian. Wow, man, your life is hard. No one gave enough credit last year when you were spazzing out. Your life is tough. He's like, you know how hard imposter syndrome is? When you need when you when not only are you the imposter, but you're the imposter of the imposters, you don't even want to be in the troop of imposters. Yeah, how do you even get the name of the stuff? Wow, Tom. I don't know how you haven't put a bull in your mouth yet. YouTube's gonna say that one's like, that's uh that's actually uh deciding violence. Again, guys, talking about reality. I know. Fuck me. Me having my finger on the pulse. We should probably silence this man. So we're at the Halloween party. I'm sorry I have side tangents, alright? If they can't handle side tangents, then step off, alright?

SPEAKER_09 20:34

It's not the show for you. Yeah, obviously it's not.

SPEAKER_10 20:36

You want to go hear fucking uh God, what was that idiot guy that was watching a bunch of his- He is actually a sweetheart. He's he's in Jersey, too. We keep running into guys from Jersey. I think his name is Julian Dory. That guy's dirty joysy. Julian Dory's actually kind of a sweetheart, but you watch his podcast, it's very linear. He lets the people talk. It's very rehearsed and coordinated. You got this over here, dirtier jersey. So we're at the Halloween party. We're at the Halloween party. I'm sorry, we're at the Halloween party, we're at the Halloween party. I spazzed a little there. We're at the Halloween party. They're sitting, they're standing around the kitchen counter, kind of in the group of four. Oh, yeah, it's a big thing. We're all on a diamond shape. So Leanne, she's at the point. Okay, picture her in your head. She to her right puts her right hand on Tom's left shoulder, you know, in a playful manner. Yeah. Tom looks at it, but he just takes it in a very like w world about me. He's feeling himself. He probably thinks in his head, he's like, Yeah, she must love feeling those real shoulders. Unlike uh Bert's shitty shoulders. Bert, he notices it, okay? However, he's really loving his, you know, uh Tito's on the rocks, double Tito's on the rocks. And he he notices it, but he kinda he's really in the drink, so he's a second behind Christina. Christina's closer to Tom. She's furthest away from Liam, which is very important to the way that she has to have the two men in between her.

SPEAKER_09 21:46

I thought it was uh Tom, Leanne, Christina, no no, no, no, no. Interesting.

SPEAKER_10 21:50

It's it has to be it has to be in a triangle. It has I'm sorry, in a diamond. It has to be in a diamond, okay? I know uh that uh moron coffee and coal. Says that body language is a pseudoscience. The shift she spouts the entire video and has the audacity, has the gall to then say, it's a pseudoscience.

SPEAKER_09 22:10

So I think it's the most scientific thing you've said all night.

SPEAKER_10 22:12

They're setting in a triangle diamond. I can't think of the word diamond. It escapes me every time. It's just two triangles. Two triangles, really, yeah. So two triangles, right? Or what am I saying? A diamond. They're standing at each other. Leanne's hand goes onto Tom. Leanne's right hand goes onto Tom's left shoulder. This is blowing my mind. Christina immediately sees it. Tunnel vision. She's like, oh, babe, you get me pissed. I'm like, I see red, okay? She's a walking cliche.

SPEAKER_13 22:33

Babe, get me pissed.

SPEAKER_10 22:34

I said, babe, you see oh, I get red, babe. You know how angry I get. 12 years of therapy, babe. It's like, shut up! For five fucking seconds, Christina. Christina, she sees Leanne put her hand on Tom's shoulder. Okay? Yeah. Like I said, Tom, Leanne Leanne knows what she's doing, but she's also feeling a little tipsy and she's got that southern charm, kind of the most watered down, and the most the most southern thing of all time. A pitcher of sweet tea. Okay. It's a classic. It's great. Okay. Leanne is that same pitcher. You left it outside for like the whole party. It's nighttime. The sun's gone down. That's just a wet, condensated pitcher. Everything's melted as shit.

SPEAKER_09 23:07

She's just getting delirious.

SPEAKER_10 23:08

Yeah, exactly. She's kind of diluted. She's a little lethargic. You don't really want to drink it. But you can you think in your head you rationalize it? I guess I can put it back in the fridge and just add new ice to it. It'll be good as new. Yeah, just stir it. Yeah, you stir it. That's pretty much what Leanne comes down to. So that's Leanne's headset. Tom, he's in his own head thinking how hot he is, because he's delusional.

SPEAKER_09 23:28

He's sitting in the gym today.

SPEAKER_10 23:29

I know. Like you what? Walking on the elliptical, you fucking idiot.

SPEAKER_07 23:32

What'd you do? Pra on athletic weight. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_10 23:35

Yeah, I had ankle, I had ankle weights, and I actually bought uh a fucking uh like a weight fest for my hikes. It's like, okay, that's awesome, dude.

SPEAKER_09 23:43

He's a medicine ball.

SPEAKER_10 23:45

Yeah, exactly. Digging the kettlebells. He gets his shoulder touch, Christina stares right at it. She's super jealous. Yeah. Okay, she's furious. Bert, facing his drink, pounding him back, right? Yeah. Ooh, this is good. Right? Bert, he looks up, notices it, and even though he sees it, his mind doesn't quite process that entirely. He's like, oh, what the fuck she's touching his shoulder. Yeah. And says, Oh, I'm the machine. And he turns to the left and he looks he side eyes Christina. Yeah. And he sees that she's jealous. He's like, that's hot. He thinks that's exciting.

SPEAKER_08 24:12

And he makes out with her.

SPEAKER_10 24:13

No, no, no, nothing happens. There's a second, there's a there's a they're they're all pussies, okay? Okay. Even though Christina and Tom and uh Bert are like the comedians, right? They're the top 250, they kill, they're funny, they're always on, right? They're actually pussies, and Leanne's obviously the brain's the operation. She has to be. Undeniably. Undeniably, okay? If I had to have anything in my entire life completed, anything. If my life depended on anything, okay? And I mean it, my life literally, okay? This has to be done. Whatever any task it could possibly be, any Herculean task it could possibly be, and one of those four days has to complete it, I'm trusting my life on a I'm not giving it to Christina. Never. That's my last choice. Okay? Tom's my second to last choice, because at least Bert will try. He'll fail, but he'll try. The only one who's actually competent in any sense of the word has to be Leanne, which is a scary thought. And the fact she knows your life's on the line, dude, she's just gonna succeed. Exactly. She's also got that sexy, you know, very cool voice of hers. That's awesome. So she'll say she'll touch Tom. There'll be a second-long pause, then she'll throw out, she'll be guys. I guess, I guess uh for Halloween this season, I'm playing Christina. Look how I'm touching Tom. Some little cheap line where she's.

SPEAKER_09 25:16

She's named a comedian, she came up with the line.

SPEAKER_10 25:18

Exactly. Some cheap, not quite worded right, but like they get the message. It's like, is she joking, joking? And then Tom, like, oh, that's so funny. And then she'll be like, woo-hoo! And she'll like slap his ass or something, right? And then now for the rest of the night, Christina's gonna be like, what the fuck was that? Okay. Bert's gonna be thinking how it's hot, she's getting so mad about this right now. And be like, why is my dick kind of hard right now? You know? Because that's again, he thinks very, very narrowly, right? He doesn't think he doesn't think about the repercussions of like, why is my wife touching another man? No, no, no, no. He thinks, whoa, maybe Christina will touch me to get jealous of Tom, right? Very linear thinking. Bert's actually Bert keeps his eye on the prize, right? Bert's not gonna let Leanne manipulate his emotions. No, no, no. He's gonna prey on Christina's emotions being manipulated by Leanne, because Leanne's the ringmaster. And again, Bert knows this because Bert's been with her for so long. But now it's all the leaves put on its head because they're gonna be open up their marriage to a four-way. So it's just one joke that one night is just a joke, okay? That one joke, the rest of the night, Christina can't let it leave her fucking head, okay? Thanksgiving comes around. Thanksgiving at the Segoras.

SPEAKER_08 26:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 26:12

You think Christina hasn't spent the whole month planning on how she's gonna flirt back with Bert in front of Leanne? This is why it has to be the holiday season. The most fun things of the year always happen in those four months of the year. Everything else is complete build-up to what will end the year. Yep. It's perfect. Yeah, this is perfect. Guy Fieri, we'll get to it later, okay? We haven't forgotten about you. Guy Fieri is a guy. You're making me listen to a hell of a lot of bullshit before I get to hear your analysis of me.

SPEAKER_09 26:33

It's bookcast. We started off and ended with that. Exactly.

SPEAKER_10 26:36

You say bookcast?

SPEAKER_09 26:37

No, book ends.

SPEAKER_10 26:38

I don't think you said book books. I said bookends. I don't think I'll just. I most certainly said bookcast. I don't think so. Anything outside when you said uh what'd you say outside?

SPEAKER_09 26:44

I don't know outside. Who cares what I said?

SPEAKER_10 26:45

When we were outside, you meant to say uh uh conuption, and you said kanish. No, I didn't know. I know, I know, I know, I know. I was tricking, yeah. I was fucking with you.

SPEAKER_09 26:54

I always felt for that.

SPEAKER_10 26:55

Uh so then so then Thanksgiving comes around. Christina's had a whole month, you know.

SPEAKER_09 26:58

She's been She's having a kanish.

SPEAKER_10 27:00

She's having a kanish. Christina spends the whole month, you know. I doubt she's actually mansion. I know she's like a Pol Poland, babe, right? European, first generation babe, right? 90s punk off, babe, right? Whatever the fuck she says. But I really don't believe she I don't think she can cook for shit, okay? And I know uh cousin uh Kevin being always like Hungarian dishes, like wet fucking orange cab. What the hell is it? Cabbage?

SPEAKER_09 27:23

Cucumber and a hot sauce. Cucumber and a hot sauce.

SPEAKER_10 27:25

Wow, what a great Hungarian food, you dense bitch. So that's what Christina brings. That doesn't take much effort, okay? She does that, she makes the coquito fucking that's a that's Brazilian. She makes some whatever the hell she makes, okay? Christina makes some shitty little dish, one thing. The rest of it is definitely been taken care of by like some staff who's making the actual Thanksgiving meal. I saw Leanne took care of it. You know what? You're right. I didn't think about that. Leanne's a good Southern woman. Leanne brings like a peach cobbler, which is way better than uh they go into their house and she brings a ton of food because she knows Christina can't. Yeah, she knows Christina can't cook.

SPEAKER_09 27:51

This bitch is playing mind games left on the right.

SPEAKER_10 27:53

See, the women are actually the protagonist of the story. Tom and Bert really are like the ancillary characters, they're not all that important.

SPEAKER_09 27:59

We're not even talking about them.

SPEAKER_10 28:00

So Leanne, you're right. Leanne knows Christina can't cook for shit, so Christina's only gonna make her one shitty Hungarian dish. Yeah. Leanne's gonna bring like just a little taste of fucking southern comfort. She's gonna bring chicken fried steaks. Like, that's not for Thanksgiving. It is the Leanne. She's a dumb hick. She's gonna bring sawmill gravy over fucking mashed potatoes. Good though. It's fantastic. I dude I'm not complaining. Again, everyone thinks I'm clean all the time. I'm just speaking the truth, okay? And since she's a southerner, she's obviously cooking it to perfection. I'm not doubting. I I believe Leanne can cook, okay? I don't believe I think there's a better chance of the house going on fire if Christine goes into the kitchen. Remember the Santa Claus? Yeah. She's taking her kids to Denny's. No, she's actually the guy who puts his arm up because he broke his arm.

SPEAKER_09 28:43

Can I get a chocolate milk, please?

SPEAKER_10 28:45

We're actually out of chocolate milk. What does that even mean? You don't want to have chocolate syrup? I don't know. Isn't there probably a turkey hill up the road? Go get fucking chocolate syrup, bitch. We're out of chocolate. And then then and then Tim Allen. Tim Allen, can you tell me Tim Allen is the smooth executive type who's not gonna get you'll give her a five or hey, my kids, can you just go get her fucking chocolate syrup, you dumb bitch? Yeah, chocolate milk, yes, I'm already. You're literally a waitress working on Christmas. You're the lowest of the low in all society. Can you just get fucking chocolate syrup? I'm fucking Santa Claus. That being said, Christina doesn't do shit, but it's good for her. Because she gets to spend the whole entire month knowing she's not gonna cook. She'll lie, she'll keep saying she might make something.

SPEAKER_09 29:20

She's like, Yeah, I might, I don't know, I might make uh I saw this Peruvian peanut dish over peanut potato.

SPEAKER_10 29:26

I was giving her too much credit. I was gonna go with like a traditional, like, oh, maybe I'll do um raspberry glaze. No, what's the fucking uh um the yams and the marshmallows? Uh sweet potato. Sweet sweet potato casserole. Sure. Sweet potato casserole. I don't know. Marshmallow casserole. I don't know. Whatever, whatever it's called yams. I said yams already. I think it's just yams. I don't know. Whatever the fuck that is on Thanksgiving is pretty good. She'll talk about maybe making that, but it's funny. You're right. She's making some dumb, stupid, you know, European food that no one wants to.

SPEAKER_09 29:54

She likes fucking in the ref, but then they'll have to wear the stupid fucking reef. She's Judy Davis in the ref. Yes, that's what she's doing. That's perfect.

SPEAKER_10 29:59

This one would be a lot better if it was actually involving Kevin Spacey, Dennis Leary, and Judy Davis.

SPEAKER_09 30:04

Oh, you're right, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 30:05

Leanne's days. She's the main character. Christina spends the whole month pretending she's she's like lying, she's saying she might cook, she definitely won't. She'll print out 30 fucking recipes, but she won't actually make any of them. Leanne spends the whole month actually cooking, preparing how she's gonna outclass Christina in her own house. What? Christina spends the whole entire month thinking about how Leanne touched Tom's fucking shoulder and how Tom didn't even bring up to her the next day, and Tom hasn't even commented on it. And then when she finally mentioned it once to him in the car, right, he just kinda shrugged it off, and she could tell he was smiling a little bit too much on the side where he was like happy about it. Yeah, she did. And she touches him, so it doesn't be driving Christina crazy. So the whole entire month Christina gets suspended, how am I gonna get back at him, right? I I honestly don't know. I feel like Christina might have a little bit going on up front, upstairs. Kind of, maybe. In my head, it's blank. Does she have boobs? She might. She could. There's a chance. With that being said, I think she wears a pretty revealing top, one that's not necessarily slutty, but it's like, that's weird, because like, don't you have like two little boys here, like, didn't I bring my kids here? And like, isn't this a family for Thanksgiving, not like a stripper Thanksgiving? It's a shiny little classy on Thanksgiving. It's like it's a Polish top. It's a traditional Polish uh Thanksgiving garment. And then Leanne's like, that's weird. Last year you didn't wear anything like it.

SPEAKER_09 31:15

They also don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Poland.

SPEAKER_10 31:18

That's true. So what are you talking about, Christina? Christina's an idiot, see? It comes out again. Even when we're just, you know, playing out scenarios in our head, the common trope is Christina comes out looking an idiot every time. However, I do think she comes up some interesting way to like get back at uh Leanne. So I think it involves a low-cut top. I think it involves a lot of like serving her shitty like one thing she made, like the cabbage or the cucumber soaked in hot sauce. She puts that in Bert's face. He's a human garbage disposal, he'll eat it up. It's great. Her boobs are right in his face. He's not he's an idiot, he's a simpleton, he's looking right at her boobs. Leanne sees that. That's the first step of the night, okay? Then, okay, then they you know they uh Christina goes like this is a long con, okay? They end up having the meal, everything's smooth. Leanne kind of saw it, kinda thought, eh, you know, whatever. I did it was worse. She's just trying to- That's all she's gonna do, put her boobs in my husband's face. He'll get any pair of boobs. Yeah Then though, they send the kids away, they end up, you know, clearing the table with her, they have a wait staff, they don't do anything, they sit there like kings and queens. And the wait staff comes, clears the table, they have their they finish their drink. Christine says, You guys want another drink before dessert? Oh, sure, another drink. They have the drink. The second they sit down, Christine says, You know what? She does have the drink on the back patio. Oh my god. They go on to the back patio, they get up, they go outside. You guys want cigars? She gives both the guys cigars. She walks over to Tom, gives him a cigar, walks over in front of Leanne, makes sure to pass her, look at her second, with the cigar, not hand her one, hand it to fucking Bert.

SPEAKER_08 32:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 32:36

Puts one in her own mouth, lights hers, lights Bert's, turns around, tosses the lighter at Tom dismissively. He doesn't notice anything. He's in his own little world as always. Hey, Bert's loving the attention. Leanne's thinking, am I getting a fucking cigar? So she chirps up. Um, Christina?

SPEAKER_08 32:51

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_10 32:52

Christina turns around. Oh, do you want one? Oh, you wanted a cigar. Oh, I didn't. You smoke cigars? I didn't smoke cigars. And Bert's like, she never smokes cigars, no. She never smokes cigars. Does that head shake? Mm-mm. Shakespeare's head like a little toddler left and right. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, she never smokes cigars, no. She gives her the cigar. That's the best part. Okay, Leanne's had a couple drinks. She's feeling confident, she can I will smoke a cigar. Right? She says that she's like, Bert, remember that one time I smoked a cigar with you and your friend? He's like, Brad from college?

SPEAKER_03 33:19

Oh babe, he died like 12 years ago.

SPEAKER_10 33:21

That's a pretty good bird. And what's their dumb kids' names? I know it's Leanne and Bert. Uh Serafina. No, Serafina. Yeah, I I wish I wish Bert was that intellect. I wish Bert's kids were named Serafina and Isabella. Isabella's not nearly as sophisticated in any sense. Persephone. Persephone, yeah. Persephone and Serafina Creshire. Okay.

SPEAKER_09 33:40

There's actually pretty nice signing names actually. Maybe they shouldn't name their kids.

SPEAKER_10 33:42

Maybe they should have a little more class. But Leanne, and I guess Leanne Jr. Uh Why'd I even mention his kids? I just got so thrown off. The Serafina really tripped me. What was it talking about?

SPEAKER_09 33:52

Bullshit. You brought the kids first. How did Serafina trip you? Oh, I see, because I interjected, that's why. What was I saying? They're on the patio. She said the cigar thing with that one time with your friend Brad. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 34:01

He's like, that was before Leanne Jr. was even born. I might want to keep that ads, whatever. That's that was a weaker one. The point is, okay? She gives her the cigar. Leanne, unfortunately, takes a big puff, like full-on straw sucking, inhaling it way too deep. She coughs, looks like an idiot. That's the second step, setback. Third, actually. First, she the boobs in the face. She played that one off. Second time, though, now she's pissed. You didn't give me the cigar. And you lit my cigar. You lit my husband's cigar. And when she leaned down to light the cigar, she showed the boobs in his face again. Okay. He was sitting like one of those uh lawn, like uh outdoor patio patio furniture, right? He's he's lounging. She leaned over on top of him.

SPEAKER_09 34:32

And then she pats his legs and he'll let the cigar.

SPEAKER_10 34:34

She does say that. That's the craziest part. Okay, again, Tom in his own little world. It's a crazy how dozen the guys are in this scenario.

SPEAKER_09 34:40

What's that stupid show he just released called Bad Thoughts? Yeah, he's having bad thoughts.

SPEAKER_10 34:43

He's thinking about like, oh, what about a fucking dick at the gym in my face? Ugh. What about a what about a barista acting worse than any barista in the history of time has ever once acted? That's weird. You know what's funny? When you had that one joke in your set about the barista with the pussy drink and the guy who won like a 20 had all the denominations in the briefcase. That joke is pretty cool. Remember when you were fat and cool with when you were also remember when you were balding? You know what? Larry David is right. If you're bald and shave your head bald, you're actually a pussy piece of shit, and you're a balding loose, you're actually kind of awesome. Because Tom Segura was way cooler with the shitty hair and the big greasy fat face. He was funny. Now he's an idiot. Back then, the storyline would have gone very differently if they swang, okay? In that scenario, he would have become a stag with two wives, and Burt probably would have just been a little fucking bitch in the corner. Yeah. Yeah. Burt probably would have been ostracized from his own family. But he comes home, you know, Leanne Jr. and Leanne the Third are fucking calling Tom Dad. But now, since Tom is an idiot and Fat Tom's gone, he was good. Fat Tom was good. Okay, that poster sign, I thought I was gonna have poster signed by Fat Tom. It got signed by Skinny Tom.

SPEAKER_09 35:40

And again, Skinny Tom, for everyone who's confused, is by no means skinny. Well, remember what we said before? You call anorexia girls fat and you call fat people skinny?

SPEAKER_10 35:48

Yeah. It'd be wrong to tell him that. I should make sure he hears this and knows. No, no, no, no, no. If you want to be skinny, I'm not saying you can't do it, but you're a long way from it.

SPEAKER_11 35:55

It's actually really nice of you to say that. Thank you.

SPEAKER_10 35:58

I needed to hear that. Um, so no. Thomas knows what's going on. Christina touches his leg. She likes his cigar. She fucking rubs her hand through his shitty hair. She says, Are you enjoying that? Man, is that a good cigar? She rubs her, she rubs his hair a little bit. He's like a dog, and he almost like has a little twist to the side from it.

SPEAKER_12 36:15

He's putting his dog. Yeah, he's like a dog.

SPEAKER_10 36:17

He's like nuzzling into her because he's a dumb, idiot dog. She sees all this, okay? She goes to speak up. She says, You know, Christine. And she says, Oh, hold on a second, Leanne. And she just leaves. She leaves for 10, 15 minutes. Leanne's just sitting out there festering. She keeps looking over at Bert in absolute disgust. How could she not? She looks at Bert. Bert's clueless. He's drunk. He's enjoying a cigar. He's still a little, I'm kind of hard. He's a little erect still because he got a little action. He's like, Christina's never thought about it this way before. And Tom's oblivious. I'm smarter than Tom. I'm the machine. And Tom, again, Tom's like probably on his phone watching like F1 racing or some stupid shit. He's really, again, for a lot of this story, guys, for the lot of the setup in the early January, okay, we're not even in January yet. For this setup, Tom's really oblivious for this whole Thanksgiving. Okay, Christmas is when Tom comes back as a main character, okay? For Thanksgiving, Tom's in his own little world. Okay, he hates his life. He can't find any happiness. Nothing brings him joy anymore. He's the spot, okay? He's fucking he's very sad.

SPEAKER_09 37:16

Okay, Tom.

SPEAKER_10 37:17

He'll be on the rebound soon. Because again, this whole swinging thing, Tom, Christina, Bert, and Leanne is gonna change your lives. And again, I was telling Brendan Shubb how to live his life better in a way that serves me. This doesn't serve me at all. I'm giving this guy on the arm. Christina comes back out, she sits down for a whole two minutes. Okay? She and Leanne's thinking, well, surely Christina's gonna say, what does he want to talk to me about? Leanne, I'm sorry, I left.

SPEAKER_09 37:38

I forgot to see why they went out.

SPEAKER_10 37:39

That's why. And now Christina sits down for two whole minutes, doesn't even bring up Leanne, because she's and she left. She said, Hold on, Leanne, put a pin in that. I'll be back in a minute. Gone for ten minutes, comes back, doesn't even say what we're supposed to talk about. Two minutes of silence. Second Leanne goes to talk again, somehow, miraculously, the alarm on her phone goes off. She's like, oh guys, dessert's ready. You have to go back inside. Leanne has to march back inside, put her own cigar that she hated smoking, but she and not to mention Christina smoked one puff, put it down, left, never smoked anything else. So now fucking Leanne is in this fucking torture situation where she has to smoke this entire cigar. She has to inhale this cigar, and she's like, I have to do more than Christina. She has the entire thing, her lungs hurt, it tastes gross, she hates it. She's not a fan. She hasn't smoked since Brad, right? They go back inside. They have dessert. Okay? Now Tom's talking about whatever dumb shit he's like. Christina, I was watching, you know, I saw this one uh I was watching this, this, with this, this race. Whatever dumb shit he talks about at the table. He talks, Bert plays along, laughs. You know, Christina's laughing, she's laughing. Leanne also notices that's weird. When we came out earlier, when we were first sitting at dinner, Tom sat at one head of the table, the long of the elongated dining room table. Tom sat at the head, uh, and Bert sat the other head. And in the middle chairs were Christina and Leanne. Okay. And the two kids on the left and two kids on the right. So the Christina is all perfectly, again, in a diamond shape. Similar to the island in Halloween, okay? But now when they come back inside, when they come back inside for dessert, everyone seats as Christina brings in the dessert because she's so fake and phony. She can bring in the dessert, she can't clear the table, she can't bring out all the fixings for the actual meal because she has to have helpers do that. But Christina can bring out four fucking plates of a little piece of cheesecake, right?

SPEAKER_09 39:17

That's all that big that big deal for cheesecake.

SPEAKER_10 39:19

So she brings that out. She doesn't even bring out the fucking treat that Leanne brought, the whole peach. Like, where's my peach cobbler, Christina? She's like, oh, I put it in the fridge.

SPEAKER_09 39:26

I didn't want it to go bad.

SPEAKER_10 39:27

Yeah, it's in the fridge, so we'll have it later. She says if anyone's still hungry after this cheesecake, then we'll get your peach cobbler. Okay, it's another little dig. She also knows this.

SPEAKER_09 39:35

She did keep the play at Thanksgiving.

SPEAKER_10 39:37

Christina's been a whole month how she's gonna get revenge for one little shoulder touch and one offhand joke. Because Christina, listen, she's she's smart enough. She's better at this whole revenge thing than uh comedy. And honestly, when she hears this, she might be mad about everything we said, but 40 minutes into it, she's gonna say, they were right about that. Yeah. I am good at revenge.

SPEAKER_09 39:54

She should start a revenge business.

SPEAKER_10 39:56

What's a revenge for hire business, Christina? I've never heard of that.

SPEAKER_09 40:01

You know what? They'll probably get that right.

SPEAKER_10 40:03

Because it doesn't exist. We're gonna make the first one. Christina's gonna get revenge for hire business. Robbie, we are changing their lives forever.

SPEAKER_09 40:10

We're just good dudes.

SPEAKER_10 40:12

So then when they all come in to eat, though, Christina is getting the food. She comes in fourth after everyone sat in their previous seats again. So again, it's two seats to the left of Leanne, then her husband, two seats to the right of her, then Tom. Uh-huh. And and and Christina P should be in front of Leanne. But when she sits down, started doing their plates, she sits one seat closer to Bert. Interesting. So now she's not in the middle with two seats on either side. She has one seat between her and Bert. And three between her and Tom. Leanne is fuming, okay? And I know again, coffee and cults. Oh, it's a body language is a pseudoscience. No, it's not.

SPEAKER_09 40:46

It's really not.

SPEAKER_10 40:46

It's the furthest, it's probably the only concrete science we have, okay? How often do they say we thought this? Turns out we were wrong, this is the new answer. Until ten years later, they say we were actually wrong about that. This is the new answer.

SPEAKER_09 40:57

And then here's something about that thing we said 10, 20 years ago, that was actually.

SPEAKER_10 41:00

You know what is true that you can find in the real world? If you go across the country and all other worlds, guys speak different languages. What do they do? Same gestures. Same for the most part. Physical movements. Same if you see someone cowering in the corner, you're going, hmm, well, in America, that'd be fear, but I'm in Belgium. Maybe in Antwerp, maybe this person's gleeful? No, they're scared. They're cowering. It's universal. Christina comes, she sits one seat closer to Bert. Okay. Now for that entire cheesecake thing.

SPEAKER_11 41:24

She's a fucking genius. She's a genius.

SPEAKER_10 41:27

Tom's looking at his phone. Not even talking to Leanne anymore. He talks about the race for a second. Then went back to watching more F1 racing clips. Leanne can't get a word in because Christina's now closer to Bert. Bert's like, you know, it's like when uh with a dog in a treat. Yeah. You know when the dog, you know, I don't know whose dog, you know, you're watching taxi and they're trying to figure out, you know, does Locke get the dog? Does everyone here get the dog? Or does that asshole get the dog? Yeah. And then you say, who, oh, come over here. Come over here come, come here, come over here. Right? Bert's the dog. However, it's not fair if one person's sitting closer, right? So Bert can't even go to the other person because his uh he thinks his owner is Christina. She's sitting closer to him. Subconsciously, he thinks, She's my wife now?

SPEAKER_09 42:02

And you know what she does next?

SPEAKER_10 42:04

Puts her hand on his shoulder while he's telling a story and she's laughing. She's cackling. You guys know how annoying Christina P's laugh is? It's quite possibly the worst noise ever, put to anything. Would you agree with that?

SPEAKER_09 42:15

100%.

SPEAKER_10 42:16

Christina P is a terrible laugh. So she's gonna be that big, loud, cackle laugh. She's gonna be laughing at Bert's dumb joke. Probably wasn't even a real joke, but he's like thankfully, Bert is right, it's just part of the machine. Thankfully, Bert is so simple and dumb and sweet. You could like, you know what people, if you if you're trying to flirt with someone and you just laugh at every joke they say, at some point they'll have a realization saying, like, why I just said wasn't funny. Why are they laughing? They'll think about it. Bert would be like, I guess that was funny.

SPEAKER_09 42:39

I'm really funny.

SPEAKER_10 42:40

I'm really killing it tonight.

SPEAKER_09 42:40

I've never met Christina laugh this much before.

SPEAKER_10 42:42

And again, her boobs are kind of out. She's serving him. And then she says, Bert, do you want like whipped cream on your cheesecake? Wow. And she fucking takes his fork, takes the whipped cream with it. She's literally fixing his plate now. She's actually putting it on his food for him. She's this enough, Bertie? Leanne hears that. I never heard Christina call Bert Bertie. I call him Bertie. Everyone knows that. I call him Bertie Bear. At least she didn't say Bertie Bear. And he's like, She gives him the whipped cream. Then Christina goes to serve herself. But again, she's playing psychological warfare. She keeps Bert's fork. She puts the whipped cream on her plate for her piece with his fork.

SPEAKER_05 43:18

She then as Leanne is staring at her, she's thinking, is this bitch really going to eat her?

SPEAKER_10 43:24

Because she sees her. She uses the fork. Bert's talking about whatever he's talking about.

unknown 43:28

He chooses his hands.

SPEAKER_10 43:29

He's downing another drink. He doesn't even notice he doesn't have his fork. Leanne notices it. She stares at Christina. Christina makes eye contact for a second, smiles, but not in an intimidating way. She's like a whole oh hi, we made eye contact. Hi. Wow. She looks back down dismissively, takes Bert's fork, takes a piece of her own cheesecake, and eats it off of Bert's fork.

SPEAKER_09 43:45

That's fucking nuts.

SPEAKER_10 43:46

Then she fake laughs and says, Oh, Bert, I'm sorry, I have your fork. I didn't realize this was your now it's in your mouth, now it's in my mouth.

SPEAKER_09 43:51

We should just make out.

SPEAKER_10 43:52

That's what she seems to do. I guess we just made out with each other. I guess, hey, I guess Liam were even for her last time you touched Tom's shoulder. So now she acknowledges she knows she remembers that.

SPEAKER_11 44:00

Fucking two and a half hours to dinner.

SPEAKER_10 44:02

Now she's acknowledging it, okay? So, what does she do? She gives him the fork, okay? When she gives him the fork, she says, Here you go, birdie bear. Now she says the full nickname. She rubs his forehead again, touches his hair, Bert's like, Thank you. Takes the fucking fork, eats his cheesecake, goes back to his food, doesn't realize anything. Tom is still on his phone, not paying attention to anything. Leanne stands up, drops her fucking fork, looks right at Christina. Christina, now she's like, Whoa, that was a little aggressive. I thought Leanne was gonna be a lot more submissive in this exchange, but Leanne's a bad fucking bitch. She's not gonna be beaten by Christina P. Leanne, she goes ahead. She walks two chairs, because again, she's not sitting closer to Christina's husband. She's being respectful. Unlike Christina, the goddamn bitch who sat closer to Bert. Leanne walks up, walks right to Tom, puts her arm on his shoulder, the same shoulder, the right hand to the left shoulder. Tom's like, oh hey, oh hey. Look to his left. Oh, hey, oh hey, Leanne. You like your cake, Tom? Uh, yeah, it's good. She takes his fork, takes a bite from his cheesecake, moans, mm, it's good. This really is good cheesecake, Christina. Takes another fork full, feeds it to Tom. God damn. Tom's like, um, thank you. He's oblivious to everything. She puts her hand on his bald head. Oh no, anything. No, just hey, you know what? Over there, uh, you know, Christina, she kind of ate off uh Bert's fork. So I thought, I might as well eat off of Tom's fork. And she's also rubbing his head, she starts rubbing his head. He's like, oh well, thank you. Bert is like, uh, oh. He's like, no, he knows what's going on. Bert is putting together way faster than Tom is. Tom.

SPEAKER_11 45:30

It was just Bert's dumb.

SPEAKER_10 45:31

Everyone says Bert's dumb. Bert's really smart. Bert is a very intelligent and intellectual person. The problem is he has no self-esteem. And that clouds his ability to, you know, uh express his ideas. So he stumbles a lot. Bert knows what's going on. He's seeing that there's this is like, he's thinking in his head, he's like, hey, Christina, put your tongue in her ear. He's gonna let it go. He's just smiling, he's kind of like a like a clapping monkey with the cymbals. Uh-huh. He's getting excited. He just kind of lets it play. Christina is now just staring, completely red-faced.

SPEAKER_09 45:57

Oh, she's gotta have a better game than that, Christina. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_10 45:59

She did not, she spent all month planning for this. She did not plan for Leanne to take the next time. So she stands up, she jumps up too, just stares at her, red faced. Tom's like, huh? Bert's like, oh my god, it's gonna happen. Okay, Christina straight up leaves the room. What? She just leaves the room. She can't, she you thought, what she's gonna do, walk up and kiss Bert. She thought about it. Oh, you're gonna do it. But she just panicked, okay? Because she's the fucking loser. I said earlier in the story. I'm sorry, Christina. This is why. Listen, you're thinking this. Bert was excited. Bert thinking, oh my god, she's gonna come kiss me. We're gonna we're gonna all get it on. It's a long dining room table, they'll be on that end, we'll be on this end, it'll be we're gonna have a total swap. Christina makes the whole night by herself. She just straight up gives up, she leaves, okay? She walks into the kitchen.

SPEAKER_09 46:39

That's a sore loser.

SPEAKER_10 46:40

She's a sore loser. She's a loser. Capital L. She walks into the kitchen, you hear her slam open the fucking fridge, she doesn't close it, she walks right out the peach cobbler in the glass serving tray, drops it on the table, it shatters and it breaks. She says goodnight. Happy Thanksgiving. She leaves, she goes upstairs, she slams the door.

SPEAKER_05 46:55

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_10 46:56

Radio silence from November uh 20, whatever Thursday it is. Okay, whatever Thursday it is that Thanksgiving falls on, whatever the date is, they don't there's radio silence from then until like the 19th of December. No communication, no communicado amongst anyone until Bert sends a text at Tom. Are we still on for Christmas? Tom's like, I don't know, man. I don't know. Christina's really pissed. Christina's really pissed. And then Bert's like, what even happened? Right? Even though Bert knows this happened, Tom's like, I have no idea.

SPEAKER_09 47:26

I was when fucking Tom's probably gonna get way fit.

SPEAKER_10 47:28

This is when Tom talks together. Bert's like, we gotta we gotta have like a you know what you know what realistically probably happens. Bert says, you know what, we gotta call Joe. Bert calls Joe Rogan. It's a three-way call with Tom and Bert and Joe. And he's like, you know what, guys?

SPEAKER_09 47:41

Hold on, I'm talking to Guy. Give me a second.

SPEAKER_10 47:43

Who's talking to? Oh, Guy Fieri? Nice. Yeah, very similar. Yeah, I'll be right back. Yeah, yeah. That's why he was so that's why he was so that's why Joe Rogan was so bad with Guy Fieri. He was dealing with the marital problems of Tom and Burt. They talked to Joe after like an hour-long conversation, a two-hour-long conversation. Remember the conversation? Remember the infamous conversation when uh I think it was Brendan Schaub's comedy special, like stole the opening of like maybe uh Adam, no, Andrew Schultz's podcast. Remember Andrew Schultz? I think so. I think his comedy opener, like, Brendan stole it, and then like he called Joe and Joe had to call Brendan, and then he had to pay him this for that, for this and this. Like Brendan agreed, I won't do the opener, but Shab ha uh but uh Shab won't do the opener, but Schultz has to pay for Schab's production expenses, was what uh Joe Rogan came up with. Something I should prefer. Exactly. So since Joe's the arbiter of their lives, Joe then says, you know what? This is the bomb of this. They talk for an hour. It's some famous phone call. Burt will tell on every podcast for years to come, how it changes his life. Tom like, mm-hmm. It was great. It was really, it was really good. Joe's a smart guy. Joe's is a smart little dude. And he talks about it, they end up coming, they start to realize that it's a competitive thing. Tom and Bert, like, well, do we have to do Christmas? And Joe's like, You guys gotta do Christmas. You gotta do Christmas. You guys hear this goal.

SPEAKER_09 48:52

You just confront this right now.

SPEAKER_10 48:53

You can't let it sit. You guys, you know what? You should talk about the next day. And it's been a month, you guys, you guys, you're my best friends. You gotta you gotta get to the bottom of this, alright? Tom and Bert, they text, they agree. Bert and Tom. They're like, We're gonna we're gonna do this, okay? Uh they kind of both separately approach their wives, and they both say, like, Tom goes to Christina.

SPEAKER_09 49:11

What if, what if, what if what Bert goes to Christina?

SPEAKER_10 49:13

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tom goes to Christina and says, like, um, uh, Chris, uh uh Lianne, Leanne, Leanne wants to apologize to you. And Bert goes to Leanne and says, uh, Lianne, uh, uh, Christina, Christina wants to apologize to you. Yes. Dude, these guys are idiots. Okay. They're morons. Yes, I'll talk about them for an hour, but they're not smart. Okay, they're not going to like, I'm gonna go watch uh the Ten Commandments and try to figure out where my path is here. They're gonna go watch the parent trap. I can do that. I was like, yeah, I was watching the Manchurian candidate last night, and you know what I think I'm gonna do? No, they're gonna go watch the parent trap. Tom and Bert are probably gonna like fucking FaceTime while watching it at the part where they do the dance on the pier on the on the dock, and then they're gonna prop their phones up and do the dance together on the phone. Alright, love you, bro. Love you, man. Hang up, go back to watching the movie, okay? They do the plan, they bring them all over. Tom and uh Christina agrees, Leanne agrees. It's still at Christina and Tom's house because it's slightly nicer, which drives Leanne crazy. They come back over, they actually decide.

SPEAKER_09 50:14

We're back on Christina's turf?

SPEAKER_10 50:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_09 50:16

That's nuts. I thought, okay, I thought she'd want to go make a scene in fucking Leanne's.

SPEAKER_10 50:20

Again, it's slightly nice, it's a slightly nicer home. It's a slightly nicer home. They agree to go. They spend like two whole hours of the first night. Honestly, nine hours. It's a late night. They're hanging out like another three. Yeah. This doesn't go over until like 11.30. By the time this blows up. So from three to eleven thirty in December. That's crazy. They kept that composure that long. From three to eleven in December, they actually have a whole Christmas celebration. And it's normal festivities, you know. They make gingerbread cookies in the kitchen. I'm sorry, gingerbread houses, I mean That's so wholesome. Bert can't figure out. Bert's like, Bert's like, why is my icing not sticking like yours, you know?

SPEAKER_09 50:53

Christina's, I'll help you with that.

SPEAKER_10 50:54

Uh Christina's like, I'll help you with that, but again, it's in a harmless way, and it's not weird, and it's actually going well. And there hasn't no, because they've both been lied to, thinking that the other one's about to apologize later in the night.

SPEAKER_05 51:04

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_10 51:04

So they're both letting bygones be bygones, they're putting their differences to the side, because Christina thinks, you know what? I did win by storming off like a child. Leanne's gonna apologize to me for going one step too far. Cause in her head, she's like I was being retaliatory. And for some reason, Christina doesn't realize that, listen, babe, okay, you come after me. I just see red. Applies to everybody, it doesn't make her special. So when she thought she she thought she was getting retaliation back for Leanne's one-hand thing, but she didn't think that Leanne would strike back. Leanne, of course.

SPEAKER_11 51:31

Why are you not playing that? Because she's an idiot, dude. No one's smarter story but Leanne Creshire.

SPEAKER_10 51:36

Then Leanne, reportedly, right? She then fucking she's smart, like I said. Some other guy earlier mentioned how smart she is. He was all like, dude, Leanne's so hot, she's so smart, she's so sexy, her voice is not shrill at all.

SPEAKER_09 51:48

I I remember part of that conversation.

SPEAKER_10 51:50

Yeah, yeah, I just remember it being the reverse of everything you just said. But um, they end up talking, the whole night's fun, it's kind of harmless. But then like 11:30, the kids are all asleep, they're all back to their own business, they're believe it or not, back on the patio where it all started. Where it all kind of started, where it really escalated at least. And, you know, Christina and fucking Christina and Leanne are looking at each other, and Tom and Burke can only keep this gig going for so long until someone's because you know, eventually someone's gonna say, Okay, you know, when is you guys both promising I get an apology after dinner? And now it's after dinner. Oh, and I spent the whole day being nice thinking, okay, after dinner, Leanne will apologize, and Leanne thought Christina will apologize. So they're both in their heads and again, Leanne's making small talk looking at Christina thinking, Christina, you're gonna say sorry. And Christina's looking at Leanne, thinking, Leanne, are you gonna say sorry? While Tom and Bert are just red-faced, like, uh, it's blowing up. This is the we didn't think that's far ahead. So what happens? Bert crumbles under pressure immediately. Oh guys, no, I'm sorry. And he's like, oh, Leanne never apologized. And uh, Christina never apologized. We're sorry, we just we oh we like how you guys were mad at each other. We love you guys so much. He crumbles. Tom lost him. He thinks I can get away with it. He thinks he's slick. He thinks he's skinny and hot now. Christina's like, wait, what do you mean you lied? And Leanne's like, uh-huh. What you lied? You lied at me? What do you mean you lied to me, huh? Bertie, what are you telling me, huh, Bertie? And she's like, oh yeah, Bertie Bear, what are you telling me? And Leanne fucking dead. And Leanne straight up fucking hits her. Christina, petrified, falls to the floor, looks at her like honestly, a like a woman just got smacked by her husband. She's on the ground and she's like, oh my god. Tom doesn't know what to do. But Bert does. Bert actually runs over Christina like a good nice guy. He's like, Leanne, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you okay, Christina? Christina looks right up from the She's on the ground. Bert's kneeled beside her. Yep. Leanne's standing there triumphantly, fist to side. She's looking at her, like, yeah, I did hit you, bitch. Her hair's a little messed up. She hasn't fixed it yet. It's still hanging in front of her face. Got that Pacino effect. Christina looks at Leanne, turns to Bert, and plants one on Bert.

unknown 53:43

Wow.

SPEAKER_10 53:44

What do you think Leanne does? We've already learned Leanne doesn't back down. Leanne runs across the fucking patio. Tom's on his phone again. Tom's looking at F1 racist. He just gave up. Yeah, he gave up. He doesn't even know Christina got hit. Here's my phone. Tom sucks so much. This is his moment, you said. Nah. I lied. Tom's an idiot. Tom uh Tom's on his phone. Leanne runs over there, smacks his phone. He's like, what the fuck? She hops in his fucking lap, turns around, looks at Christina, turns back, kisses Tom. Christina pecked. Christina had a nice little kiss with Bert. Leanne just shoved her fucking tongue down his mouth. She's brutal. Tom's thinking, wow, not only has Christina kissed me like that in the last 10 years, she's never kissed me like that in our entire relationship. He's like, Leanne's pretty good kissing. Leanne's a fun, he's like, wow, Leanne is a phenomenal kisser. Bert was, because honestly, I true. Let's say, realistically, let's pretend that Leanne and Christina peer both phenomenal kissers. Which husband is most likely to brag about to his friend? Will Tom sing the praises of Christina? Or will Bert say, oh my god. Leanne? Best kisser ever.

SPEAKER_09 54:51

Yeah, it would be Bert, right? For sure. For sure.

SPEAKER_10 54:53

So he's been saying that all these years. Tom's like, holy shit, Bert says everyone's the best of the best of the best. Leanne's the best kisser ever.

SPEAKER_09 55:00

And he just says it right there to Christina. Hey, out loud.

SPEAKER_10 55:03

And Christina escalates. She just straight up takes Bert by the hand, leads him into their room. You're thinking, whoa, is Christina gonna have sex with Bert Creshire right here? We don't know. Because all we do know, the kids are asleep. It's Christmas time. It's the 24th. Visions of gum drops dancing in their heads. Yeah, I was gonna say that. Kids are asleep. Kids are sound asleep. There's a carbon monoxide leak, and the kids are very much asleep. Tom is on the he's still he can't go anywhere. He's be essentially being straddled by a very clothed Leanne. Leanne's festering. She can't believe she just saw her husband willfully walk in the room with Christina P of all people, right? In the in her mom jeans. Walk in there.

SPEAKER_09 55:36

Oh, so there's no sexy uh Polish outfit this time for Christina? No, no.

SPEAKER_10 55:39

It's Christmas. She's wearing an ugly sweater. It's a Polish tradition. And Christina uh Leanne looks at finally after a minute of just staring off into the now open door. Christina didn't even close the sliding door. She left it open. She just walked in the house and get caught. She just walked in. Tom's just an idiot. He's sitting there. His hand is still on her hips. He doesn't know what's going on. She turns back, kissing him. They straight up have sex.

SPEAKER_09 56:02

Leanne and Tom now?

SPEAKER_10 56:03

Leanne and Tom on the patio. You're thinking, wow, Alex, do Christina and Bert get in on? No. Christina thought she's again, she didn't think big enough. She thought, I'll bring him in here. She'll think we're having sex. She'll come in in five minutes. And then I'll bet, you know what? I wasn't gonna fuck your husband, but the fact you even think I would shows how a bit much of a bitch you are, Leanne. That's why I hate your gut so much time. I've always hated you. Even though they've always been friends. Now, when women when women newly hate someone, they lie and say they've always hated them.

SPEAKER_09 56:28

I've never liked you.

SPEAKER_10 56:29

Again, men don't do that. Men just say, you know what, you've changed. And now I hate you. I used to love you, brother. Women say, I always hated you, I never liked you, you're never good at anything. That's what she thought was gonna happen. Fifteen minutes go by, she's like, What the hell? No one's coming yet. Bert's like, So are we doing this? And she's like, No, you idiot. And she slaps him, she's like, No, I'm waiting for Leanne to come apologize. Even though again, it's like you kiss her husband first, and you're mad at her for kissing your husband back. I mean, I mean, one of the things. Because again, Christina is playing with fire. She's Icarus.

SPEAKER_09 56:57

She's Icarus.

SPEAKER_10 56:58

After 15 minutes, she goes back outside. Tom's already finished, Leanne's getting dressed.

SPEAKER_09 57:02

So she walks. Oh.

SPEAKER_10 57:03

She walks in, she wait, what the fuck? You guys had sex? And Leanne's like, you're goddamn right we did.

SPEAKER_09 57:08

So I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_10 57:09

Christina, yet again, slams the door, storms off, goes upstairs. Oh wow, poor. Night's over again. Bert's blue ball, okay? Poor Bert with his big fat blue balls, okay? And again, he's so much like he again, Bert's such a nice guy. Bert doesn't even come out here like swing on Tom on sight. Bert comes out and it's just like, guys, what the fuck just happened?

SPEAKER_09 57:31

That's all he says to everything.

SPEAKER_10 57:32

Guys, what the fuck? Okay? And then he he and then Leanne's like, wait, you guys didn't have sex in there? He's like, No! I thought we were gonna have sex! And she slaps him. No, she doesn't. Leanne knows Leanne knew what she just did. She Leanne's smart. Leanne's not shocked by this whole entire back and forth the same way. No, she didn't know that, but she was under she fully accepted in her mind. She's like, you know what, my marriage is loveless. Uh oh. Fuck it. I don't even care if Bert sleeps with her. I don't even want to sleep with Tom. I don't want to do it.

SPEAKER_08 57:56

She kind of liked it.

SPEAKER_10 57:57

She sure. As much as anyone can like it, right? The same way Christina's been tolerating it for 40 years. So she sleeps with Tom. Bert's not even mad that he didn't. Bert's not even mad that Leanne's slept with Tom or that Tom's up with Leanne. He's just like, what the fuck? Where's my play? I'm the machine. And he actually got that name. It's actually because he he fucks like a jackhammer. Not many people know that.

SPEAKER_09 58:17

Yeah, that's the true story.

SPEAKER_10 58:18

And again, so see, this is great. Uh earlier we said how Christina's gonna hear this podcast and she's gonna say, Well, you know what? I do get revenge better than anybody. That's true. That's her moment. Bert to make I do fuck like a jackhammer. That's true. Yeah, and that's his moment. Leanne is smarter than everyone. We're save Tom's shiny moment for later. Here's what happens. Tom, Leanne, and Bert spend the rest of the night for like three, four hours. They're staying the weekend. They spend like three, four hours just talking outside. They're not nothing, they don't even extend again, there's not even a bit, there's not even an inch of a conversation about Bert saying, you fuck my wife?

SPEAKER_05 58:46

It's not even brought up.

SPEAKER_10 58:48

Bert doesn't say anything. Okay, that's not even about that. They're all just talking about what Christina she just stormed off and how like I and Tom's like, yeah, I can't believe she didn't fuck you, man. I thought she did. That's why that's why I banged like I thought she was going to too. I thought so. Then they just have drinks. This is the worst part. Christina spends the whole night again thinking, surely someone's gonna come upstairs and check on me, but no one does. Okay, because Tom's self-serving. The rules were reverse. Bert would go check on his wife to see if she's okay. Tom was never gonna do that. You're psycho, babe, babe. You kill me too, babe. Kill the kids, babe. Babe, babe, babe, babe. So Chris is upstairs, she's crying the whole entire time. She's just in it's like honestly, like, you know, uh Lorraine Bracco and Goodfellows when Karen's spazzing, or like Sharon stoning casino, just any one of those mob wives in any of those movies who's just like, I hate my fucking life. But she's like a nice silk robe or something. Make sure a bath, I don't know. She's she's whatever. She's having wine upstairs. They probably have a little uh like um Kitchenette. A kitchenette, yeah, like a little butler pantry in their uh in their room, like a little coffee. But you know, Christina P, she's a fun mom. She just got wine in there. So she's like downing wine, she's watching the before trilogy or something, okay? She's like really feeling her Richard Link later. And on kind of unbeknownst to her, somehow, Tom and Bert and Leanne are just having like literally a phenomenal time. And not a sexual time, just a fun, genuine, like they're just drinking and they're talking about the night. Tom gets the pieces filled in for him since he's been so disconnected. So Leanne kind of explains the war they've been having, and Bert's like, I saw the whole time. No, you didn't. No, Tommy, I really did. They talk about it, drink the entire night. They're just having a great night. They drink, they have so much fun, they spend the entire night drinking. The entire night. It's now six, seven, eight. Now it's nine in the morning. Christina's like, alright, whatever. She goes downstairs, she finds the three of them all just sitting on the couch together, just like, are you kidding me? Yeah. And she screams, wakes him up. She says, I want you all out of the house. Including Tom. Tom's like, what do you mean, babe? She's like, babe, get out of the house, babe. Okay. Tom has to leave. Where's Tommy gonna go? To Bert's house with Leanne. Oh, geez. Now, the 25th to January 1st, New Year's, he's overstaying the whole week with Leanne and Bert. New Year's Eve. They had plans to go over to the Segoras. Yeah. Not doing that now. That's canceled. Uh-huh. So what happens? Where does the happy resolution? Leanne and Leanne Jr., they have the Leanne Jr. and Leanne the Third, the two daughters, they have parties to go to. It's actually just Tom, Leanne, and Bert celebrating New Year's Eve together. And they do right now. They have some champagne. It's midnight. Leanne gives a kiss to Bert. Leanne gives a kiss to Tom. It's midnight. She does like the Kristen Stewart. She does the Zendaya. She kisses them both. They don't kiss each other, though. That's not that's not Tom and Bert's style. I'm not gonna desecrate their name that way and say that I'm not gonna and this is not slanderous. Everything else is proven fact, what I've said so far. This I'm not gonna I don't tell tall tales, okay?

SPEAKER_09 1:01:23

Although Bert probably in the he of the passion with the left. Bert would do it. And then Tom's like, oh, what are you doing, man?

SPEAKER_10 1:01:27

Yeah. Actually the reverse. No, actually the reverse. Yeah. Actually, Tom goes in for the kiss. Bert doesn't want to. Then Leanne, power move, says, that's fine. You don't have to kiss Bert. Bert, you don't have to kiss Tommy.

SPEAKER_09 1:01:35

But Tommy, you have to kiss Bert. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_10 1:01:38

Tom's not gonna. Bert says no. No. He actually says no for once. But what does happen is Leanne does separately get intimate with both of them. And again, that's that's crazy. Now, now, just to clarify the count, now Leanne's had sex with Tom twice. Damn. At least twice. At least three times now at Bird. At least three times. Yeah. We know at least for Leanne Jr. and Leanne the third. And this is the third time because she's actually so inspired. She's like, wow, I can't believe I just had sex with Tom Segora. Now I have to fuck the machine. I can't, and I have to have two bears. So then she in her one cave. So then she bangs Bert again. And then for the next like seven days, Tom's not even the first day he got there, Tom was checking in with her. Christina. For the first like six days. Up until New Year's Eve. He was checking in on her, like texting her all day long. They were all texting. Bert was apologetics. I didn't really do anything, but I'm sorry too. Leanne was saying, can we just talk? She wasn't a she wasn't apologizing. She just kept saying, can we talk? Can you answer my calls? And then Tom was sending novels, just long apologies.

SPEAKER_09 1:02:31

Oh, so I'm sorry. During all of this, though, are they still doing the fucking podcast staying face? Or is like everything you share?

SPEAKER_10 1:02:36

Bert and Tom are, yeah. It's super awkward, as it usually is. They talk about watches and shit, you know? You know what we do on our podcast? We talk about extramarital affairs and the complex relationships that love really does bring us. Yeah, man, marriage is tough. Marriage is tough. They talk about watches and they have 200,000 views.

unknown 1:02:52

What the fuck?

SPEAKER_10 1:02:54

So then January 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, Christina's thinking, okay, why hasn't Tom texted me in five days? Why? Because for the second week, after Christina walked in on the whole Christmas love affair, Tom's on radio silence. Tom and Bert and Leanne have been having this weird back and forth. They're just alternating nights, and they can handle that flexibility, that fluidity. They can handle it. Christina can't, which is why it changes later on. But Tom goes from texting her for a week saying, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, to a week of radio silence. Christina texts Tom. Tom? And she also does the womanly motherly thing. She says, Your kids miss you. That's all she writes.

SPEAKER_09 1:03:24

She also adds, you know, I am Polish, which means I celebrate the small Christmas song. That's true. You should be here.

SPEAKER_10 1:03:29

Your kids miss you. Well, their kids' names, the kids' names are like Eli and Trent or something. No, it's Christina P. Jr. No, they have sons. It's Tom Jr. and Tom the Third.

SPEAKER_08 1:03:37

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_10 1:03:38

So then um then she texts Tom. She says, The kids miss you, playing games. Tom responds, I'll get to you a little later. Tom's now fully switched. He's like, you know what? I really like being with Leanne. This is this is this is a new high for me. Now I understand why Bert's always so happy. You're lucky having fun because he doesn't have Christina P tearing him down all the time. You know, that's why Bert's always happy. That's why Tom's always sad. You can only be happy. Think about where you spend the most of your time. In your bed. When you're married, in your marital bed with your partner. How happy can you be if you're spending nine hours with someone who's a sour puss all day? So, Tom's having the best sex of his life.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:14

Sometimes Bert's there, sometimes he's not.

SPEAKER_10 1:04:16

Yeah, sometimes Bert's having the sex over there, and Tom's like, you know, he feels more inspired to write more uh sketches for bad thoughts. Yeah. He's never felt he's never had a muse like this before.

SPEAKER_09 1:04:24

He's got the next seven years booked.

SPEAKER_10 1:04:26

He doesn't even he says, I'll call you later. Christina is like, you know what? I'm having to I'll I'll just wait. I'm gonna text him. Three days go by. Doesn't call her. He sends another text. Are we ever gonna have that call?

SPEAKER_09 1:04:34

I thought she would have shown up by now. She has no self-respect.

SPEAKER_10 1:04:37

No self-respect. She's really crumbling here, okay? Stop, Christina. Trust me, okay. In the end of this, it sounds like they're all they're hearing this right now. Christina, Tom, Bert, and Christina. I said that twice. Christina, Tom, Bert, and Leanne. I can't remember that dumb name. Leanne, they're all sitting around right now listening to this. For somehow, one of their interns, Nadab, whatever that guy who said next to Nadab's name was, that guy put it on an actual like uh VHS tape in an actual tape recorder. So they're hitting plane, hitting pause listening to this. Taking notes. Taking notes. Yeah, they're all thinking they're this is bullshit, this is bullshit. They lied to us, the sun would be great for our love life. And it sounds like Tom, Bert, and Leanne are making out like bandits, and Christina P is being left behind. Wrong.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:14

You have to go through harsh before you get to really enjoy the good stuff.

SPEAKER_10 1:05:16

He texted him after three days, exactly. Trials and tribulations. Yeah. Christina texts Tom, says it's been three days. He says, Oh, I forgot, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:23

I forgot. He'd been upset a lot for two weeks. I forgot to get back to you.

SPEAKER_10 1:05:28

An hour goes by. Christina never responded. After an hour, she's like, okay, so are you going to call? He says, You know what? It's late, I'll get to you tomorrow.

SPEAKER_05 1:05:36

Oh my god, Tom is ruthless.

SPEAKER_10 1:05:38

Tom doesn't call her tomorrow because it's Friday, but he calls her on Saturday in the afternoon. She spent all Friday after this whole thing, is he gonna call me or not? She spent the she drank herself to sleep. She slipped off the worst hangover ever. She wakes up to a call from Tom. She answers it way too fast. It doesn't even let it ring twice. Tom knows he won. Hook, line, and sinker.

SPEAKER_09 1:05:57

He just hangs up.

SPEAKER_10 1:05:58

Tom says, Oh,

unknown 1:06:01

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_10 1:06:02

She says, No, I'm away. He's like, okay, well, actually, I'm actually getting on a boat. Me and Bert. Yeah. You know what? I just wanted to check in, but you just woke up. You sound tired. So I thought I was gonna get the machine. But yeah, I just want to let you know I am staying with uh I'm still with Bert and uh Leanne and uh you know, I'll call I'll call they're calling me, I'll call you, I'll call you back in a bit. Unfortunately, he doesn't call her back because he spends all night having fun, you know, going on the boat ride, playing golf, having beer, watching the fireworks show. You know, it's like a nice picturesque pic picturesque moment where you see Leanne like leaning over like an iron fence, like with uh they're watching the fireworks show. And then Bert has his arms around Leanne, like he's hugging her, but then Tom has his arms also around Bert. And uh he doesn't call her on Saturday night because it's too busy. He calls her Sunday afternoon, same time as, oh, you're awake. And she's like, Yep, I've been up, got up early today. Yeah, she hasn't slept in a single minute. She's been sitting in a dark room. She actually went outside of her house like Aaron Rodgers, turned the power off from the breaker, sat in complete silence. She sent the kids to go stay with the grandparents. They're they're somewhere else. They're at their friend's house, okay? Uh huh. She sent the kids to go stay at a friend's sleepover. They've been gone for two days. She's just been sitting there alone, chain smoking, which she gave up years ago. She's been smoking cigarettes, she's been drinking wine, she's been watching movies with a crank TV, okay? Like a little tiny six-inch crank TV with an antenna and everything. It's black and white, huh? It's just a projector.

SPEAKER_09 1:07:21

She's got like the old movie.

SPEAKER_10 1:07:22

Exactly. Exactly. She's watching um Ethan Hawk movie, not before trilogy. Sinister. She's like uh watching in the attic this family.

SPEAKER_09 1:07:30

Actually, yeah, Christina goes through a whole entire it's just pictures.

SPEAKER_10 1:07:34

Christina goes through an entire Saturday, Sunday, like sinister thing of watching this weird murdered family and this whole videotape in the attic. She's in this whole journey. She gets a call from Tom, though. Tom talks to her, and Tom's like, so we do need to talk and check. You think, Tom?

SPEAKER_07 1:07:46

It's been half a month, you break.

SPEAKER_10 1:07:50

And he's like, you know what? I think you need to apologize to Leanne. Oh my god. Because Tom is an entire push up to this point. But Lee, but but Christina is so distraught, so confused, she doesn't even she just says, why? She doesn't even fight back, she says, What do I have to apologize for? Not even in a not even in a mean way where she's like, why the fuck no? She's like, What why would I what did I do, Tom? She's completely broken. He's like, I think you really like Diran and you you made her fuck me, and then you didn't fuck Tom to make her feel bad for fucking me. Sorry, you didn't fuck Bert. You made Leanne fuck me, Christina. But then you didn't have sex with Bert, which made Leanne look bad. You could have sex with Bert, and we have all moved past this. But you didn't have to be like, She made it about you, and she's like, Tom, you're my husband. Christina, I'm talking. Okay? Either we talk about this now, or I can just hang up again. She can go, Tom, Tommy, Tommy, please don't hang up on me.

SPEAKER_09 1:08:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 1:08:42

So what do you mean you did that yesterday? It's like, it was a two-day thing. We both we both vouchers for two different days, okay? It honestly, it'd be stupid us for how much money we spent, it'd be dumb not to get the full value worth. That's right, Tom. You're always so physically responsible and frugal. So then he talks a little bit on the phone with her, hey, puts her in her place, explains her he's gonna be staying with uh Leanne things for another week or two. They need it, they need they need this. She spends the next two weeks drinking, the kids haven't come home once. She's just drinking and drinking and drinking.

SPEAKER_09 1:09:07

This is a rough twenty. Two bears I know.

SPEAKER_10 1:09:09

January's terrible. Uh all of January, Christina's just in a complete fugue state, just chain smoking, has barely eaten food. She orders like Chinese food, eats like three or four days later, leaves it out all day. It's the same thing. There's maggots crawling in the rice, there's worms in the noodles. It's a Polish delicacy. And she uh the whole month though, YMH, right? Uh is their podcast just called Your Mom's House? I think so. That's weird. I was always your mama's house. I don't know. That's the movies with uh really Martin Lawrence, maybe. Interesting. Or maybe Eddie Murphy. It's one of those series. Or maybe it's Jimmy. It's somebody. It's not Jim Carrey. But um the whole month. She's in like a weird, disassociative state. Yeah. Christina's Christina for this whole month has been radio silent, okay? She hasn't been pos Tom hasn't been doing his podcast with Christina. He's been busy, but they've been uploading Two Bears One Cave, and she sees how she sees like a how happy Tom is in these videos, and she's watching them. So like four episodes ago up. They've never been this productive. And she sees Bert and she sees Tom, and she keeps seeing how like she hears off camera you have another drink. And the podcast, which never does, it just keeps pausing randomly where it cuts. And it comes back in and Tom wants to have two more, three more drinks, and he's a little messy. She's like, what the hell the heck he's going? She's like, Where is Christina? It becomes like a whole entire Shelly Miscavige thing where it's like, where is Shelly Miscavige? No one knows where Christina is. This goes on on all through January. All the comments are saying, Tom, why haven't you uploaded YMH? You're only uploading two bears in one cave.

SPEAKER_09 1:10:35

Like nonstop.

SPEAKER_10 1:10:35

Everyone's like, we're com- and then you look at the you look at the comments on uh not today, pal, and everyone's like, Robert, Jamie, where's Christina? I don't know if that Danny Boyd show still exists or not. What was his name? Uh the Danny Brown show. What was that guy's name? No, the hunter- I think that got canceled with Ryan Sickler, that son of a bitch. No. The point is all the shows on the YMH network, whatever shows there are still there. You know, Lauren Compton. He's not even dating shows either. Huh? Tom's not even talking to her anymore. Oh, his other side is actually with Lee. He doesn't even care about Lauren Compton anymore. And now that he's on the picture, Lauren Compton, she's just fired. Christina says, you know what? Tom's not gonna be the boss, I'll be the boss. You're out of here, bitch.

SPEAKER_09 1:11:07

Get out of here, you sore.

SPEAKER_10 1:11:08

Yeah, get out of here. Exactly. She acts very much. You know what actually happens? This is the only, this is the only good part of all of January for Christina. The whole month, Tom and Bert and Leanne are gallivanting around just in a constant fuck sesh on Cloud9. Christina has a terrible January 2026. But what she does do is she does the goodfellas thing. It's Janice, it was Janice. What's her name? Janice is right. I don't know what Janice is.

SPEAKER_09 1:11:31

Janice, Janice, Janice. I want to say Kramer, but that's definitely not right.

SPEAKER_10 1:11:35

I was gonna say the griffith, but that's the porn story. That's why I was right. And then like I thought Janice Eam, but that's the that's fucking Lizzie Kaplan and Mean Girls. Janice Ross.

SPEAKER_11 1:11:43

Is this Janice Ross's apartment? Janice Ross is a two-bid whore.

SPEAKER_10 1:11:48

So Christina Pete is at the entire time going into the old intercom, buzzing up. Both of you and Tom the Tom Jr. and Tom the Third. That's her only good part of the whole month. Besides that, she's in a very drunk state. But then February comes around, and it is Valentine's Day. So after two more weeks of Tom still not talking to his wife, now it's the middle of February. Tom is like, ooh, we do have reservations, and it's a penalty if you cancel. So he flies back to Austin finally. He just shows up at the house and it's like, Tom. Christine, Christina, are you ready? And she's like, Tom, what?

SPEAKER_09 1:12:15

He's like, Valentine's Day. Yeah, reservations, sir.

SPEAKER_10 1:12:19

He straight up turns around, gets in the car, waits for her. She has to quickly get ready. She's she's again, she's so she's so happy to see them in his back. She felt so bad. She's so confused. She's so just disassociating.

SPEAKER_09 1:12:28

She's in the drink all 12. 12 years of therapy, babe.

SPEAKER_10 1:12:31

12 years of therapy, babe. Yeah, honestly, Tom does notice when he opens the door, since she hasn't eaten food in like a month, she looks better than when they first met. And she's she comes back out with this little black dress. She looks phenomenal. Christina P has never looked so good. She looks fucking beautiful. She looks like a goddamn angel. Christina P looks so pretty. And Tom's like, wow. And he he so then they go to dinner, he makes a little joke and he's like, you know what? I think you can tell this is good for both of us. And she's like, and she's like, she's like, I do, I do feel pretty good. I, you know, I didn't it feel so good to see you, Tommy. And like, I have a lot to talk about, but like I you're right, I I when I got ready today, you came home, you just told me to get ready. I just, you know, I just went and got ready, and I felt so pretty. I did my hair nice, and I really I looked in the mirror and I haven't looked at myself in a month. I've been too scared to look in the mirror because I've been so sad and crying so much. But I just looked in the mirror and I thought, you know, I look good.

SPEAKER_09 1:13:13

He's like, you know, I always tell you when you cry, it brings out the brown in your eyes.

SPEAKER_10 1:13:15

I think she has blue eyes.

SPEAKER_09 1:13:16

Who cares?

SPEAKER_10 1:13:17

That's good. That's a good point. I think Tom gives a shit. You probably get it wrong, you're right. And she's like, but babe, they're they're they're brown. Oh, you're right, Leanne's eyes are blue.

SPEAKER_09 1:13:24

She beats the shit out of me.

SPEAKER_10 1:13:26

No, no, no. She's too she's too honestly too downtrodden to do anything. So you can say whatever he wants the whole dinner. But he kind of just keeps making little remarks. Like, he just keeps saying, You see how happy we are? You see how nice it is that I haven't talked to you for six weeks. This dinner feels like we go to dinner, we used to go to dinner once a month, date night. It never felt like this. This is such a good date we're going. I'm like, it does feel nice, Tom. I really did miss you. It's like, it's nice to miss people, isn't it? It's a very nice dinner. The whole entire time, Christina's fucking phone was in the purse. What Christina doesn't know is that Tom and Bert and Leanne talked about this. They had to plan it all out. And Tom and Bert said, Listen, Leanne, we know you were in the right the whole time and Christina was wrong. But to make this work, you're gonna need to apologize to her. And Leanne's like, you know what? I'll be the bigger person. So when Tom's a good person. Leanne is a good person. So when Tom's having dinner, what she doesn't hear is her phone buzzing like crazy. Leanne finally apologized. The longest, most prophetic, beautiful, apologetic, kind-hearted, inviting, comforting, just a big blanket of fun. It just made everything that Christina needed to hear is in that message. And after this amazing date with Tom, who she missed for a month, she gets a text from from Leanne finally, where she was waiting all month long, and it's this beautiful thing, and she's like, you know what? It's poetic, even. It's uh we did need this. And she responds, she still has to say, Thank you so much. This is really important, you know, it's really brought me and Tom together, and I realized only trying to help us, and this is you know, those kids were right in New Jersey. This is what we needed. And then Leanne says, So when do you want to have Bert come over? And she's like, What? And she's like, Oh yeah, no, me and Tom aren't stopping, so you and Bert should at least do something. And she's like, What are you talking about? She's like, Well, yeah, didn't you? Didn't Tom tell you? She's like, tell me what. She looks over at Tom. What is Christina talking about? What is uh Leanne telling me, Tom? She's like, Oh, I'm flying back. And he's like, Well, yeah, I'm not gonna Well, uh Oh, did you not read the text? And she said, What text? She looks down, perfect timing, in syncrasy. Another text comes up. It's a full-on PDF. You don't even send a PDF to someone on an iMessage and click on it, it opens up in a new tab. It's a PDF, it's a spreadsheet, dating the rest of the year, who gets who husband on which day. The wives don't switch houses, the husbands switch houses.

SPEAKER_09 1:15:16

Why should the wives have to switch?

SPEAKER_10 1:15:17

Christina's had it hard enough. Exactly. Obviously, you're not gonna move the kids around each house. That's gonna be hard for them. New schools.

SPEAKER_09 1:15:26

We are really so thoughtful on how we plan this.

SPEAKER_10 1:15:27

We are making sure everyone's accompanied, you know, everyone's accounted for, everyone's happy, everyone's doing the right thing. That's what happens. February. Suddenly, it's Valentine's Day. I'm sorry. She's had a great date with her husband. She doesn't even sit talking about it because by the time she finishes reading that next message, she's like putting it all together in her head, she doesn't even know how. Somehow they're already back home. They're in the driveway. Tom's like, well, I gotta catch my flight. He doesn't even get out of the car to open the door for her. He just leans over, opens her door. Can you get out? I gotta I gotta you know how you know how it is at all in an ATX. I gotta get out of here. I gotta fly. Back to back to LA. She's like, okay. She gets up, walks inside the house. She's like, whatever. She tosses her phone on the table. She hears it ring again, doesn't even look at it, says whatever. She goes into her, you know, empty house where her kids are staying somewhere else. She goes, grabs a bottle of wine, opens it, walks into the living room, turns the TV on, drinking the wine out of the bottle. The TV light turns on, radiate the lights start at the dark room. She's drinking the bottle, doesn't see anything. She's just two looking up the ceiling. Bert says, I do that too. She drops the bottle, shatters it, cuts her hand. Bert runs over to her, treats her hand, it's cut, it's bleeding. I'm so sorry, Christina. I thought you knew what she should say. How do I know you're here? She's bleeding. He runs over, turns the lights on. She realizes now that they're in the bright room, he's just in his underwear. I thought he's naked. No, he's classy. He's in the leopard prints thong. And it's not even like it's boxer briefs. It's like he might actually be wearing women's underwear. She can't tell. Because realistically, you put boxer, I mean, not boxer briefs, you put briefs. You put briefs. See, the idea of wearing regular briefs like tidy wise is so four. I couldn't even say it without thinking twice. She thinks, is he just wearing briefs like that are so small on his fat body that it looks like women's panties, or is it just actually women panties? Her hands bleeding, she gets queasy the sign of blood. She's fainting. He gets you know he gets her a drink, he's taking care of her.

SPEAKER_09 1:17:09

And Tom's never taking care of her like this. Never. She's got a pillow for her head, he's got a rag on her forehead.

SPEAKER_10 1:17:15

Dude, he's doing everything. He got her a ginger, he got her a ginger ale in case her stomach was somehow hurt from being queasy from the exactly. He also got her a coke for electrolytes, he got her a water, and he got her a new bottle of wine. He cleaned up the glass. Tom never cleans anything up. He was like he makes her do it. Bert used to get yelled at by Leanne so much, he's like, oh, I've got to clean this up quickly. Right? He's conditioned better. He's like a he's like a dog who's been trained, you know? You can say, Cyrus, two inches to the left. That's pretty impressive stuff. Then she finally goes over, gets her text, and she realizes now she has two texts. The one from earlier she missed. That was from Leanne saying, by the way, Bert's there. She rolls her eyes, yeah, now I know. She gets a second text. It's a straight-up video of Tom saying, Happy Valentine's Day, and he just gives a peck on the cheek of Leanne. And Leanne says, Why don't you turn that camera off, Tommy Bear?

SPEAKER_08 1:17:59

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_10 1:18:00

Christina was finally calm again and she said, You know, Bert took care of me. She now does it which she couldn't do on Christmas. Now it's the fucking end of February, now middle February. Now she built it up. She goes over, she gives Tom. Sorry, she gives Bert. Christina goes and gives Bert better sex than she ever gave Tom. Both men are thinking, holy shit, how's this the best sex I've ever had in my entire life? And Bert is like, Tom never said this once!

SPEAKER_11 1:18:20

I always said how good Leanne was.

SPEAKER_10 1:18:21

He never had anything. They have uninterrupted lovemaking with stamina that neither Christina previously possessed nor Bert ever previously possessed. And it's come repeat, come, repeat, come, repeat, come, repeat. Alex, that's a little gratuitous to say that's a little bit inflammatory. So direct. It's a modern scientific marvel. The stamina is never this is like Masters of Sex, right? Dr. William Masters means in the closet. He's like, I'm charting how long he's like running out of legal notepads because these people just keep going, they keep orgasming, they keep moaning. Oh, fucking, what'd she say in uh Masters of Sex? She's like, Oh, Ronnie, you're a fucking animal. That's Christina P. Oh Bert, you're a fu This is what happens. She's like, Oh, Bert, you're a fucking animal. He's like, I'm the machine. He goes crazy to Poundtown. They have a great time. For that. However, while that was going on, Tom was also having a great time. And now it's like two in the morning, he's all cummed out. He's just laying with Leanne saying what a great idea this was. He's like, wait, Christina never answered my text again. He starts calling her frantically. Now he's having a panic attack. He's switching around. He the shoes on the other foot now.

SPEAKER_09 1:19:19

Now you notice how bad she's felt all this.

SPEAKER_10 1:19:21

Leanne, having made this, you know, this intimacy for the last month and a half with Tom, and she's actually just so happy because this is the first time where now Tom's there and Bert's not. So she's like, this feels like when you're watching like some low-brow indie movie, and like the main character, druggie boyfriend, is in the shitty apartment, like Christopher Multisante. Think all the times when Christopher and the Sopranos was like spazzing out in his apartment, and A Geronald's in like a tank top and a fucking high-waisted thong, and she was just like hugging him, saying it's gonna be okay, Chrissy, and everything, right? Tom's having one of those moments he probably has a heroin needle or something. And he's with Leanne. She's taking care of him. It's not now they're establishing an emotional intimacy. On Valentine's Day, Cupid's having fun. They're having emotional intimacy, they're having their first actual true bonding moment of like a real marital situation. Meanwhile, Bert is finally, after four months of buildup, finally having that sex. Because again, that's what's the best sex with it. Exactly. Because Leanne's been having sex with Tom for like three months now.

SPEAKER_09 1:20:09

I thought that Bert was like getting on it a little bit here and there, too. I thought like maybe like one night was with Tom when I was with Bert. Sometimes he's got a big one. Yeah, but he hasn't banged anyone.

SPEAKER_10 1:20:15

He's he's still only banging Leanne. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now he's finally getting now, you know, his good things come to those who wait. Now he's having the best sex of his life with Christina P. Who looks fantastic. Because again, she was just drinking, she's on a wine diet for a month. And also, a lot of people know this, okay? You drink vodka for a month, you get red and bloated, and you look big. You drink wine for a month, you get like a little bit of a Tim Burton way about you, a little gaunt, a little fragile, a little sophistication, you get a little bit of olive in your skin. It's actually a very, very good way to go about something. They fool around though all night long. Tom has a panic attack or two. Leanne does comfort him in a sincere way, though. No communication from anybody the rest of February. That's terrifying. Thankfully, February is a short month. It's the 14th or 17th, whatever Valentine's Day is, only the 28th till the month ends. Is 2026 a leap here? It is, I think. It might be. And then a four. And then a six. Nice. Good try, Robbie. Then, then, then, then, then, then, Christina and Tom and Bert and Leanne, it's March 1st. Without talking about it, without any communication, Leanne just says, you know what, Tom, you gotta go back, honey. And Tom's like, I know. And Christina does the same thing. Bert, you gotta go like, I know. And without any coercion, they both just go home on flights without talking, and he flies home and Bert flies home.

SPEAKER_09 1:21:27

They didn't see each other windows in their way.

SPEAKER_10 1:21:28

No, they don't see each other at all. There's there's not it's just harmonious. It's just perfect tranquility and an equilibrium. Without any communication, some of this four rambunctious group of friends have come to the same endpoint. They just knew February Christine she got it. She's like, Yeah, February was for Bert. Leanne's like, yeah. February was for Tom. It's March. It's cyclical, it's seasonal. It switches. It's bi-monthly. It naturally establishes itself. Because again, I already established Bert, Tom, and Leanne. They could do the whole daily switch. Christina needs something. She needs she needs a rock. She needs a bear. She needs a cave. She needs two bears and one cave. They switch. Tom goes over to March. He just walks in the door like everything's normal. Not in a bad way. Christina thinks everything's normal. She got her nut. She thinks everything everything's normal too. Christina and Tom just go about their normal lives in all of March. And they're just so happy. Tom and uh Bert and Leanne, they just go through their normal lives in March as if nothing happened. No, they have a nice St. Patty's Day. No, they talk. Tom just goes back to doing the podcast with Christina. They're still doing two bears. Bert comes over twice. He flies to Austin twice in the month of March to film the episodes. He doesn't even talk to Christina. Wow. And Christina doesn't talk to Bert. It's just completely as if nothing ever happened. March goes. Now it's April. Yep. First day of April. What happens? With no communication, with no established anything, Tom and Bert just one flies to Austin, one flies to California. Suddenly there's a month-long gap in between your mom's house uploads again. Tom flies in two more times throughout the month to record in Austin. Doesn't talk to Christina. Christina doesn't talk to Tom.

SPEAKER_09 1:22:54

It's a good thing that Bert and Tom are both fat guys with beards because the kids, it's not that hard. The kids are idiots.

SPEAKER_10 1:22:59

They don't even notice. Like I guess dad, I guess we have two dads. No, idiots. One dad. We talking about. And the other one, I think it's Ellis. Ellis is like, no, I think it's two different guys. And then Tom the third's like, mm-mm. Then they switch. They do it again in May. April showers bring May flowers. They do the same thing in May. Okay, then in May, again, seredipitously, they just all talk about it. This time, Christina says, Tom, you know what? Stay here. And he's like, but babe. She's gonna just just stay here. He's like, okay. And without any communication, now not only does Bert show up, but Leanne shows up with him. Interesting. She just knew to come. It's insane how uh symbiotic they've all become. This is why I'm saying it's good for their marriage. This is what happens. They come this entire month journey, we're like halfway through the year almost, right? Yeah. And June, they just spend the whole month at the Segora House. All four of them? All four of them. Just fuck fest. No. In a very free-flowing, kind, and gentle way. It's like they just hang out as friends again, all of them. And there's nothing weird about it. And they're all just really having there's no fights. Christina and Christina and Leanne are laughing together in ways they haven't laughed since like the first time they got introduced. They're catty, they're laughing, they're having little inside giggling jokes, and Tom and Bert are like, what are we talking about? You know, what you like and what you like. Exactly. They're talking, they're all by the pool all day, they're all lounging, there's having mimosas and everything. No one's eating, they're all getting thinner, they're just all drinking, and they're just feeling good, and they're all getting thinner, they're all getting hotter.

SPEAKER_09 1:24:17

I mean, we're just about to get into June 2025 now. Tom, uh, Leanne, Christina, uh, Bert, your next June's gonna be pretty fucking shit.

SPEAKER_10 1:24:24

June next year's gonna be so good for you guys? You're gonna be on Cloud9 all because of us. And we're gonna get nothing for it. Yeah, this is on the arm. This is all on the arm. So then they're gonna have a nice June together, just gonna be enjoying so this company, and in July comes around, they just naturally switch again. Now they're gonna spend the rest of the year doing that, naturally switching all year long. Each time they do it, they're gonna think, wow, it's weird. I appreciate like when you know when Bert comes to the Seura house, Christina's like, gosh, I have so many, I don't even miss, I don't even miss Tom. I just like I love having Bert here. But then when Tom comes back, he's so rejuvenated and so happy and so Tom, like when they first met, she's like, you know what? I really do love when Tom comes back though. And then this is what happens is the rest of the year they keep alternating months. But then around New Year's, this time it's no blows up, you know, they have a good Thanksgiving, a good Halloween, they make a couple jokes, both of them back and forth. Like, remember what happened last year at Thanksgiving? This is a lot more fun. Like, oh, it's much more fun. Then New Year's, they say, you know, why don't we why don't we try every two months we switch? Whoa. Okay, that goes on. By the middle of the year, you know, Leanne gets sick every spring, her allergies. She's like you know what? I just really prefer if Tommy stayed actually. We're having a relationship. I don't want to deal with, you know, switching around at Bert and Leanne's like, oh, that's fine. Uh that's cool. And then Christina's like, yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. That's that's cool. Now it's they end up saying three months separate each other. End of the year, same thing happens. Like, you know, what if you just spend like every trim, what if every four months we switch? By year four of this, it gets to the point where, yeah, sure, Tom and Christina are still legally married, and Bert and Leanne are still legally married, but they realize Christina's like, wow, I needed Tom, I needed, I thought I needed Tom, but what I really needed was Bert's fun, loving, easy-going, life of the party, attitude around me all the time. What Leanne thought she needed, she thought she was a horrorist. She's like, I need, I need Bert's funness. But what she really needed was Tom. Okay, she needed Tom's kind of like uh asshole, kind of like uh crazy, a little bit of like, you know, um, thinks he's smart kind of behavior. I don't even want to describe Tom. He's kind of an enigma. But she used to need whatever Tom actually is, is at the end of the day. We know what Bert is, right? And it turns out Bert thought he needed Leanne drilling him all the time, but he's like, you know what? It's great getting takeout every day. I hate how Leanne always makes me, you know, have supper. But Tom loves it. I love this, you know, the structure to it. Tom actually starts working out more and Tom actually gets thin. Because instead of ordering like KFC and Chick-fil-A and everything else, every nice since Christina can't cook, Leanne's like, I think it's great that you're working out so hard. Tom, I think you look amazing, but I think you look even better. He's like, I think I could too. And she's like, I love to meal prep for you, Tom. And then she gets excited. She starts meal prepping for herself. She starts meal prepping. They become like a fucking health fitness couple. Tom goes on to his next griff. Tom and Leanne start a fucking fitness podcast slash fitness Instagram page. They both get fucking shredded. And I mean Leanne is fucking muscle mommy, shredded. Tom finally actually is skinny Jack Tom. Tom looks like fucking Tom. Tom. Everyone's like, is that Tom Sigore? Is that Ryan fucking Philippi? Okay, that's how good Tom looks. Uh Leanne, like, is that Leanne or Marissa Tomei? Okay, that's how good Leanne looks. They're having a great time. They're in the best shape of their lives. They're getting along. They needed each other. Fucking Bert. Bert is drinking so much more, and Bert's repping right this entire time. Bert should drink more. Yeah, and then they and then also since since he's a pig and she's a pig, when they get drunk at two in the morning and they order their fucking fast food and they shove it in their faces, he doesn't even feel shameful about it. Everyone, if you're feeling shameful about eating, it adds five more pounds to everything you're eating. Yeah, for sure. So now that Bert doesn't have to carry that 50, 60, 70, 85, 95 pounds of shame with him. He's suddenly back to like they're casting Ryan Reynolds to play me in a movie. Van Wilder. And actually, the lack of shame makes it burn more calories quickly. Exactly. And all the all the sex they're having. Yeah. Because again, Tom's having more sex with Leanne than he ever had with Christina. And Christina equally is having more sex with Bert than she's ever had with Tom. I'll tell you this here's the plot twist. If we were taking a tally, believe it or not, Christina and Bert having more sex more frequently than even Tom and Leanne is. Wow. Because Tom and Leanne are really having this emotional connection. Bert and fucking uh Christina are having much more of like a kinsmanship, like just a really good friendship with fucking. Which with both of their personality types really much more need. They need a much more. Loose, go with the flow, fun, free, kind of loving. Sure, of course, they're still married. For holidays now, though, it's like where Tom comes over to his old house with Leanne's. Oh, but we do at the place. You guys paint the room green, and like he sits. Now Christina and Leanne sit at the table. Yeah. And Tom and Bert don't even sit in the middle. Tom sits next to on the side of Leanne holding her hand, and Bert sits next to like his queen holding her hand. It's a complete swap. After five years. After five years of this, okay, with the highs and the lows, the very bad times, the very good times. The nice back and forth changing of the guard where it's like he comes over this month, every two months, every three months, it becomes an entire marital swap. Tom is now, sure, he's legally married to Christina P. But who's he spending every night with? Leanne. Burt's legally married to Lian. Who's he spent his time with? Christina P. Christina P.

SPEAKER_09 1:28:46

It was never gonna work out. It's Tom Segore and Christina. Sherry took his name. Sherry took his name. She's she's Christina Christina Pazinski?

SPEAKER_10 1:28:51

She's Christina.

SPEAKER_09 1:28:52

That's the crazy part.

SPEAKER_10 1:28:53

You know what she is now? After seven and a half years of doing this, they're like, is this like a common law marriage now? And they're like, you know what? It's time. They get legally divorced. Seven years into this love affair, they now officially get married. Yeah, this. Christina? No more Christina P. Christina K. She takes Creshire as her last name. That's crazy. Tom Segora, no more. Yes. Tom takes whatever. Let's see. No, no, no. Tom takes Leanne's matrimony name. Yes. He is also Creshire, because I don't know what Leanne's maiden name is. So Tom is now Tom Creshire, Leanne Creshire, Bert Creshire, and Christina Creshire. And they get their own reality show called The Creshires. The Creshire. No, it's called Creshire V. Creshire. They get to have their next grift, their next how much more money can we get out of people's hands, their grubby little fingers of ours. They get to have a reality TV show. Yeah, TLC. Oh no, called Netflix. Okay. Netflix reality show. Very low production value. But it follows Creshire v. Creshire. It's kind of like a Kramer vs. Kramer thing. It's Creshire versus Creshire. And we now follow this, like, you know, but it's also only set though. It's called Creshire v Creshire Island Vacation. And it only follows them throughout the summer when they do a three-month trip together, like to the Maldives, all of them. And then you get to have it where it's like, you know, think of that. Now three years into that show, it's a success, the biggest show on Netflix, right? Three years into that. You guys are sitting out, it's been a 10 year, it's been a 10-year journey up to this point. It's 2035. You guys are sitting around thinking, like, wow, can you believe we listened to that one podcast 10 years ago? And our lives have changed this much for the better. Think about your kids, guys. Think about how Tom, Tom, every story Tom mentioned in his kids, they're delinquents. You know why? Because Tom's there. What if Bert's there? Fun-loving guy. Bert always this isn't even mean. Bert always says, Oh, my kids they're losers. Right, total losers. You know why? Because you're too fun. They need Tom to back up land when she wants to stiffen them out. Give them a little structure. Give them a little structure. They're the rigidness, there's the fluidity. And I'm thinking, sure, you guys are already like, what, 65 years old? However, 65 to 75, be your glory years, the golden years.

SPEAKER_09 1:30:44

Plus 65 is your 55.

SPEAKER_10 1:30:45

Exactly. Which means when you're 75, you'll basically be 65. Exactly. It bounces out. It bounces out. And honestly, I think if I think the alternative, I think basically I think there's two courses of action here. You know, they can go left, they can go right. They can either A, listen to us as Brendan Schab should, and make their lives better, where Bert could rightfully be with Christina and Tom could rightfully be with Leanne. That's the first option. It's what the alternative is. Like, you know what? That's crazy. We're not gonna wife swap. Okay, well then here's the alternative. Uh 10 years. It's not even really wife swapping, it's more of uh course correction. It's you guys doing what you're supposed to do. You know, like at least like in uh some like douchey movie like uh Doctor Strange, like oh billion different possibilities in all the universes in the world. This is the only one where we win. It's like okay. That makes that actually doesn't make sense. If there's infinite possibilities, shouldn't there be infinite times where we win and infinite times where we lose? That's a really good point. No, there's only one. Even though there's infinite possibilities, only one of them is to our favor. That makes zero sense. That being said, this is basically, you know, it's like, you know, you could either A do what I'm saying, it's doing two possibilities. You could either A, do what I'm saying and swap. And hey, I do what he asked us all the time. My life's pretty good. So I'm saying, you guys swap, course correct. This is the only timeline that ever made sense. It always led back to this. It's like Hancock, that stupid Will Smith movie, where it's like, yeah, him and Charlie's Therone are actually both gods, and but they can't be around each other because then they lose their powers or something, so they get separated with amnesia, but they always find their way back to each other, like Jason Bateman's in this movie or something. Yeah. It's kind of like that, where Bert and Christina always find each other in every single timeline, and Tom always finds Leanne. So you gotta A, go with the tide, swap like you're supposed to, or you can, you know, he who is resistant to change is destined to perish. So if you don't wife swap, what instead happens is in ten years, I don't know, fucking Tom and Christina are divorced. Tom makes sure that he ends the podcast and uses a little bit of power he's mustered over the last couple of years to make sure she never works in the business again, and she ends up in like some trailer park, like from dust to dust, you know? She goes back to her roots in like some small apartment or some trailer park, and she's living with a bunch of like Polish immigrants, and she just never sees her kids and it's very depressing. It's kind of like uh Callie in Dallas in that alternate reality with JR. She's just in a really bad marriage, and everything's just really terrible for her. Tom's kind of probably fine in 10 years either way. He probably just gets out scot-free. He still hangs out with Rogan and shit. And then Bert and Leanne, uh, you know, you know what probably happens? Leanne actually probably still gravitates towards Tom anyway, when once Christine's out of the picture. And then that means Bert and Tom and Leanne have a nice little love affair, the three of them, and Christina's just all by herself. So pretty much it's either A, they can all be happy, or Christina can suffer, and watch the three of them be happy. Those are really the only two options. So I think she should probably just bite the bullet, do the thing no one wants to do, have sex with the machine. The guy who like doesn't wipe his ass, and then like, uh That's why he's so good at sex out wasting all that extra energy wiping. He's saving it only for the for the power thrusting. He's the goddamn jackhammer. I'm the jackhammer. And um, yeah, I think that's the answer. That's the answer.

SPEAKER_09 1:33:41

I don't know. I think so. I think I solved our problems. So Guy Fieri.

SPEAKER_10 1:33:46

So Guy Fieri. Um Yeah, I don't know. Guy Fieri, uh, you know, he was talking to Joe Rogan. I watched it the first 20 minutes, and I don't know. I'm just thinking that if you and me decide to do a two bears one cave podcast, and we were gonna interview people, and let's say you were having a bad day, like your back was hurting you, and some girl pissed you off, and you got a bad haircut, it's too short, and it's really bugging, and you didn't like how you shave, because you shaved off a little too much, you had to shave everything off. Hate when that happens. And like you're feeling a little blowed and your back hurts, right? And like you're just having a shit day. But Guy Fieri comes to your podcast and he's giving you all the energy. He's so excited to be there. He's so he's just like a he's like a pretty, he's like a happy guy with his pretty new pet. He's so happy to be here, and he gives you the same energy he brought to Joe Rogan experience. Would you A, be a normal human being, get out of your funk within 15, 25, 30 minutes, realize, you know what? I had a bad morning. This is a podcast. People want to hear this. It's supposed to be fun. This guy's having a great time, he's trying. Let me just put my guard down, let me just have fun, let me just ha. Maybe my cold plunge will help me calm down. Or my sauna, my infrared technology. Dude, as soon as I get it. Oh, or option two, are you an asshole malignant cunt like Joe Rogan, who's dismissive, combative, disconnected, disassociative, disingenuous, whole diss head.

SPEAKER_09 1:34:59

As soon as he takes the glasses off, puts them backwards on his head, dude. I'm back. I love diners, dives and dives.

SPEAKER_10 1:35:04

Did diners drive in drives, diners drive in and dives.

SPEAKER_09 1:35:07

That's where he's like, I thought it dips for some reason. That's why I thought dive and dodge. I'd be the best with him. He seemed awesome. Yeah. I didn't even know I liked him until I was like, I watched the first tournament.

SPEAKER_10 1:35:18

So I thought, damn, guys, good. I'll be honest, Guy Fieri's doing a lot of talking. I guess Joe's doing a lot of listening. I mean, Joe is an asshole. I got lost in the world. Guy Fieri, hey, um, my dad's dead. Joe Rogan, was he an idiot? Owls are stupid. I'm sorry, Joe. What the fuck? I don't know what's worse. Was it worse when Guy Fieri was having an honest, intimate moment with Joe Rogan for millions to listen to? When he was opening the curtain into diner driving in dives. He was letting us see what's the thing? What's his um I don't know, Knuckle Sandwich? It's his other thing he's talking about with the cigars. What's his other thing? Uh Flavortown.

SPEAKER_05 1:35:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_10 1:35:47

When he was letting you see the Flavortown, he's like, Yeah, my dad dinner's this owl. My dad, you know, my sister was a hawk flying the car five real minutes. And my dad says, owl. This woman tells me he's an owl. Owls are stupid.

SPEAKER_09 1:35:59

Joe Rogan, I think you're stupid. I think you're stupid.

SPEAKER_10 1:36:01

Do you think that's an honest, normal response to give someone? I don't know. Oh, your dad died. Was he a fucking jerk? Yeah, was your dad an asshole? What is he a fucking idiot? You know, owls aren't even watched. You know they're almost as dumb as emus? Hey, Joe, you know you're almost as dumb as an emu?

SPEAKER_09 1:36:14

You ever heard an emu scream?

SPEAKER_10 1:36:16

Yeah, you ever heard an emu scream? I know an idiot. It's a joke. And then the other part of stupid stupidity he brought along to the equation, Joe Rogan's like, uh, hey, you know, uh, realistically, you know, it all really only leads back to it has to be simulation, really. Everyone arrives at that conclusion. No, not everyone does, because you know what? I think when Guy Fieri's talk talking about life and there has to be more meaning to it, and like, it's one thing to talk about like, you know, the craziness of like, God, what is the point of all this life, right? What is it? It's gotta be it's gotta be it's gotta be for something. That that's a normal thought to have. That's a that's a comforting thought to have. To say, you know what? It all does have a purpose, and I don't know what it is yet. I'm gonna find it out one day. That's what Guy Fieri's coming into the room with. That's a good guy. That's a guy, that's a guy you want to hang out with. That's like, yo, Guido, can the talk? Guido, you're good, you're good people, Guido, okay? That's a good moment. And what is Joe Rogan thinking about? What if we question the entire fabric of our existence? Who does that help? I think it's very national. You know what he's doing? He's leading a lot of people to become schizophrenic lunatics. Well, someone had to uh go pee for six minutes.

SPEAKER_09 1:37:11

I tried to be slick with it. I said you said the whole game.

SPEAKER_10 1:37:13

It was great. I was talking and I see Robbie stand up. I'm like, okay, now he's standing, I'm like, that's fine. I'm standing, he can stand if he wants to. Maybe he's maybe maybe he just wants to stand up and get his legs fresh. And I see him put shoes on, I'm like, okay. Maybe maybe he wants to wear shoes. Then I see him just stare at me. He has the Zach Morris time stop. First he stares at me at his Kurt Angle, looking at me, all bugged out. Then he has a Zach Morris time stop, goes and pee for six hours. I think that's great. I've had to pee for this whole time too, and I just haven't done it. I'll just figure out I'd wait. Or I'll be like, uh-uh. I make my own rules. I go pee. Then he pees for nine minutes straight. So then I have to wait. Stop talking, wait for him to finish pee so I can go pee. But he did, you know, he did pack two nice bulls. And unfortunately, for all the listeners who dedicated an hour and 40 minutes to this, well, they don't when that now they have to suffer because of you, because even your bulls are so nice, and I appreciate that. Now we're back at the stage where I started off the podcast. We're like, what the fuck am I talking about?

SPEAKER_09 1:38:06

It's about Guy Fieri.

SPEAKER_10 1:38:07

Yeah, but I don't even remember, honestly, I know we're booked in this where it's like, that's funny, this episode's about Guy Fieri, but you actually talked about him for five minutes here and five minutes here, and I don't know how much I I don't know how I have anything to say about it. I think I I think I got so taken up with the Tom Segora and Christina P. Lovemaking affair. I'm sorry, the Tom Segora. Ew, not ew, ew, ew. Tom Segora and Christina P. Yeah. Bert and Christina P, yeah. And like Bert and Leanne, ew! P U. Bert and Christina P, that's hot. And that's like a Paris Hilton, like, that's hot. Yeah, yeah. That's hot. That's that's a Paris Hilton, that's hot. That's how hot Bert and Christina P getting it on makes me. I can't wait to go on to uh but you know the best part of all this is sure, we'll talk about Guy Fieri. Whatever, sure. Guy Fieri went on Joe Rogan, podcast cringe, kind of made an okay video about it. Guy Fieri should come on our podcast.

SPEAKER_09 1:38:56

Yeah, we'll actually listen to you. We'll listen to you, we'll engage.

SPEAKER_10 1:38:59

I would love to hear you talk about food, actually. We can talk about food, how hot Gianni De Laurentiis is. It'd be a much better podcast. I'll have Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri, you're coming on next week, okay? Me and Robbie Rush are gonna start our own podcast called Two Bears, One Cave.

SPEAKER_09 1:39:12

And you get to pick which bear you want to do the interview with, me or Alex.

SPEAKER_10 1:39:14

No, it's different. It's two bears, but it's B-A-R-E-S. Like bear chested.

SPEAKER_08 1:39:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_10 1:39:21

And one cave.

SPEAKER_08 1:39:23

But it's spelled with a K. It's just like a cool hangout place.

SPEAKER_10 1:39:25

Yeah, I don't know. There's another way to spell K. You know what? We just uh we the whole entire back of the stuff is just Nick Cave and the bad seeds the whole entire time in the background music. Okay. It's very dungy, dingy, and l the first guest is gonna be Guy Fieri coming on our podcast. We're gonna sit in a dark room together, we're gonna talk about how much of a weirdo Joe Rogan was. He's gonna say, guys, I love your episode about me, but why'd you talk so much about Tom, Christina, Bert, and Liam? I'm like, guy, did you listen to the whole episode? He said, I listened to it. It was crazy good stuff. It was great stuff, great stuff here, guy. And like Guido, you're a nice guy, Guido. He's like, great stuff. And then he says how he's like, but I just don't know who these people are. And then within I imagine if he listens to the whole hour, just showing him like one 15-second clip of the four of them, he'll be like, I get it. He'll see it. The whole world's the whole world will see it if that's episode. This will go, this episode will have, I don't know, what is it, two bears get like 680,000 views? So this should have at least 681,000 views. At least. He'll come on, we'll give him his thing, we'll say, I'm sorry, your episode got sidetracked, but now that you're here, let's get your side of the story. How much of an asshole was Joe Rogan? Wasn't he a weird, creepy piece of shit to you? Because then when this blows up and we get, you know, 700, 800, 900 million views on this video, we'll get invited on to Burt, Tom, Christina, and well, Leanne doesn't have a podcast yet. But when she does that fitness podcast with Tom, they do the whole fitness body that you know they go all, you know, uh muscle mommy and muscle daddy, and then you get jacked.

SPEAKER_09 1:40:42

How do they call it muscle mommy muscle daddy?

SPEAKER_10 1:40:43

Yeah, it's the muscle mommy, muscle daddy podcast with Tom Segore, with Tom Crashire. Well, I guess first it's Tom Sagore with Tom Segore and Leanne Crashire.

SPEAKER_09 1:40:50

No, it's Tom Creshire.

SPEAKER_10 1:40:51

I don't know if they're married at that point. I don't remember the plot I established yet. I think they get in I think I think Tom and Leanne get into the uh gym grifting way before they actually tie the knot. What'd you say? I think Tom and Leanne get into the fitness grift before they actually get married. That makes sense. Happens earlier in their story. So then do the rest is still unridden, like Natasha Benningfield says. I think he just replaces Tom on your mom's house. And I think Tom just films. I don't know if Tom Segora still does that like Tom in Espanol or whatever that podcast he did. It's like m Josoi Tom Segora. Remember that podcast?

SPEAKER_09 1:41:30

I think it was called Joshoy Tom Segora.

SPEAKER_10 1:41:33

Josho Tom Segora. Segora. Smith. I think he does his Tom Segora in Spanish show, which Christina gets turned on by him speaking Spanish. Yeah. Fucking Christina is like, why can't you just speak Polish to me? She gets annoyed by it. But then Bert gets turned on by Christina speaking Polish, which is weird because it's not a sexy language. It is the Bert. And it's certainly not sexy when Tom speaks Spanish, but Leanne thinks it's sexy because they're perfect for each other. But uh the real question is when we go on before because again, this is gonna take a couple months. So they have to hear the podcast, nothing's gonna happen. Yeah. And in that time, so now we're uh now this is like this is before this is this is somewhere before they actually start doing the whole switching wives thing, uh-huh they're gonna have us on the podcast and they're gonna be like, Yeah, that was pretty crazy stuff you guys said. And then we'll actually test them, like, did they actually hear everything we said, or they just take like the notes of it? Did it get you know, did Nadov come back and give them an abridged version so they're missing some of the beats? Or do they actually give us the time of the day? Because it might be kind of funny going on there and seeing how unprepared they are. They'll be like, oh, you made some joke. Like, I wasn't making a joke. I was completely serious. That was life advice. And then uh yeah, it was life. Yeah, it was life advice. I teach them a thing or two. And I really do, I think I really can change their lives. I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to going on to your mom's house. You know, I think realistically, I would have preferred to go onto the old set with like the red room. Yeah, I like the red room. I don't like the new like conference table they have where that like idiot guy from SNL drew the fucking fifty states from memory. Something else I would never do on my podcast, guys. I don't have people draw maps. Why? I don't know. I'm talking Brandon Shop how to live better. I'm telling Guy Fieri he has a home to come to talk to get over the trauma that Joe Rogan instilled upon him, and I'm giving quite possibly the best marital advice. Marital advice that no marriage therapist would ever be risky enough to give. Because most marriage therapists are self-serving. They're thinking, I gotta milk this marital problem so I can get more money out of these guys. I can't solve their problems and then they'll leave. I want these people to get better, I'm a good person, I'm helping them, so I'm like taking on their problems such a fresh way, they can do everything else. Yeah. I'm I'm honestly like Jesus Christ right now, you know, in a in a sense. It's like, you know, it's like I'm in a way dying for these sins for everyone else, you know? I'm being very selfless here. And I'm telling Tom how to fix his life. And if you've watched Tom Sigoro for the last five years, you know something's not right. And I'll tell you, Tom, it's not the wait, it's not your job, it's not your little Netflix show. It's literally, unfortunately, Christina, and Christina, that's not an insult to you. Because you know your problem is it's Tom. And Bert, you know what your big problem is, Lianne. And Leanne, your big problem, it's Bert. How have you guys never seen this? That's that's the real thing. I don't know. How hasn't it happened sooner? Like, how isn't this back? Like, how didn't like you know, travel TV Bert do this? How wasn't that one of his episodes, his final episodes, like, I'm actually taking, I'm stealing my best friend's wife.

SPEAKER_09 1:44:10

Didn't uh Christina and Leanne actually have a podcast briefly?

SPEAKER_10 1:44:13

I think they did like a fun little episode one time. I don't think it was actually an established podcast.

SPEAKER_09 1:44:17

I was gonna say that you think this would have called one of their their shenanigans on the podcast.

SPEAKER_10 1:44:20

No, yeah. I think they talked about it and then instead Tom decided to give his mistress Lauren Compton a podcast instead of YMH.

SPEAKER_08 1:44:25

I would have done the exact same thing.

SPEAKER_10 1:44:27

Yeah. Except for I would have had a better mistress than Lauren Compton.

SPEAKER_08 1:44:30

I don't know.

SPEAKER_10 1:44:30

Like literally anyone else in the whole world. Like the woman from Home Alone 2, the homeless woman in Central Park.

SPEAKER_09 1:44:38

Okay, wow. Really?

SPEAKER_10 1:44:39

Maybe the doves are cooler than I thought they were. Or I think they're pigeons because she's a dirty homeless person, but doves, he gives her a dove. And my point I wouldn't get I wouldn't give Lauren Compton a turtle dove, is my point. Would you?

SPEAKER_09 1:44:49

No, I I'd consider it for it.

SPEAKER_10 1:44:50

Tom might. I don't think I would. Yeah. I think we covered most of it.

SPEAKER_09 1:44:55

I think we did a good thing today.

SPEAKER_10 1:44:56

Yeah, we'll see if uh we'll see if YMAG can, you know, survive the ch you know, survive this. Because now that they've had the knowledge bestowed upon them, they can't go back. I've opened Vandora's box. Now the thaw will always nag at them, tear away at them, and if they resist it again, he who is resistant to change is destined to perish.

SPEAKER_09 1:45:12

And honestly, the truth is scary, so you're gonna deny it for a while, and you're gonna end up going through some real hardship. You should just face the truth.

SPEAKER_10 1:45:18

You know what I've probably glossed over. There's probably a uh there's probably at least like a two, three-week period where probably Tom, maybe Bert, but probably Tom definitely goes into the bathroom and whacks off like uh like Trey McDougall in Texas in the city. Yeah, he has the door just ajar. So in this scenario, Tom is in the is in Imagine this, Tom, you could be in Kyle McLaughlin shape in Sex in the City. When Kyle McLaughlin's playing tennis in the night, shirtless and shorts, yeah, like oiled up, listening.

SPEAKER_09 1:45:45

It's fucking nice. That could be you, Tom.

SPEAKER_10 1:45:47

You have a full head of hair and a tight body. Trey McDougal, you know, the great Charlotte York, her husband, he's like whacking it in the bathroom on the counter with a porno mag. Tom, probably at one point or another, I forgot to mention this, he probably will have a porno mag open, where before the whole Thanksgiving incident, just after the Halloween, he act like he didn't know what was going on, he actually has a porno mag open, ass out to the door, whacking off to a porno mag with Leanne's face cut out onto the pictures.

SPEAKER_09 1:46:12

So everybody had their own little moment to shine. So Bert was he's really nice understanding, I think. Christina's where she's great at revenge. Uh Leanne's was smarter than everyone and always in control.

SPEAKER_10 1:46:21

And Tom is a sexual deviant. Tom's a sexual fucking deviant. That's his little shining moment. I told you to come back in the end. Tom gets to have a tray McDougall moment, whack off, and uh it's great. It's a lovely thing. And he's also this is what leads him down this whole path. He's like, Whoa, I've never come harder before in my entire life. And that's how this all gets into emotion. And then, like, you know, 15, 20 years from now, when they're happily married to the other person's spouse, but they're all like, you know, together at like um Some retired home play canasta. No, they're at the uh they're still famous, obviously, because their lives are never better than ever. So now they're at like some you know what? Tom and Bert are both getting their fucking I'll scene it. She's not she's never amount to that much, but Tom and Bert amount to they amount to getting their hands on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

SPEAKER_08 1:47:00

Oh wow. Good for you guys.

SPEAKER_10 1:47:02

They get their own stars. Isn't it even hand prints? I don't even fucking remember.

SPEAKER_09 1:47:05

I think hand prints are on that road. Maybe who knows?

SPEAKER_10 1:47:09

They get some sort of, you know, they win the um the Cecil D. DeMille, what is it? Cecil B. DeMille Award. Sure. Yeah, they win an honorary lifetime achievement award at the Oscars, they're all dolled up. They're superstars now that they've switched wives. And after like that 20-year run, when now they're in their twilight years and they're all talking, right? That's when uh Tom's like, you know what? Remember when you walked in on me jerking off? And she's like, Yeah, he's like, I was jerking off to Leanne, you were right.

SPEAKER_09 1:47:34

And that actually says a chain reaction of all that hatred, anger she repressed for all those years coming to the surface.

SPEAKER_10 1:47:40

Then she kills Tom, and then Burt goes on like a Gene Hackman uh like adventure, like in the movie Twilight with Reese Witherson and Susan Sarrandan, who you mentioned earlier. No, it's not Susan Sarandan. Yeah, it is Susan Sarandan.

SPEAKER_07 1:47:53

It's Susan Saran, it's Susan Sarrandan.

SPEAKER_10 1:47:55

There's no throwaway line. Susan Sarrand, and then he has like a whole Twilight thing where he goes through a whole mystery is like who killed Tom, only realized it actually, in fact, it was Christina who killed Tom. And then he has to kill Christina, and then Tom and Leanne get back together. Bert and Leanne get back together. Oh, sorry, it's so foreign to me now that I'm just so used to Tom and Leanne being together, I can't even think. So yeah, okay. So Tom and Yeah. Tom and Christina die in the end, and Bert and Leanne they reunite at like 80 years old. That's actually beautiful. And then the two of them do like the whole, like, what if we get what if we move to like uh Phoenix, Arizona, and we get involved in some weird holistic cult that takes all of our money and bleeds us dry. And then Tom, I'm sorry, then Bert. Bert and Christina. Bert and fucking I can't even do it. It just doesn't make sense. Bert and Christina makes way more sense. Tom and Leanne make so much money. It just sounds so much better. Bert and fucking Leanne, ew. Tom and fucking Christina, ew. So then Bert and Leanne do their thing, and they go to Phoenix, they go into some weird cult, they lose all their money. They probably have like a carbon monoxide leak. And uh, you know, throwaway lines. That came back too. That was great. And then they die happily ever after, like 90, 91. Bert's 91, Leanne's probably like five years older than Bert, she's like 95.

SPEAKER_09 1:49:01

What a great, beautiful love story.

SPEAKER_10 1:49:03

That's like even more fun than Kirk Douglas got to have, you know? That's crazy. That's a real love affair. And I'm thinking at that point, after Tom's dead and Christina's dead, and they switched wives and they had whole new lives. I think then, then finally, Burt crashed our community, like a good comedy special, all that material. And it might even be on Netflix, it might be pretty funny.

SPEAKER_04 1:49:23

Oh, yeah. I recently I went to Santa Barbara. She was a mechanic!

SPEAKER_06 1:49:37

Yep, the show must go on.

SPEAKER_13 1:49:39

We're not gonna skip a podcast that week, you know. We're gonna fuck. I feel so connected.

SPEAKER_00 1:49:46

I'm just so happy to be here. Yes, it's really cool.

SPEAKER_13 1:49:50

Hey! What's up? You're here! Well, just because everybody we didn't know that you were gonna be here today, so so. Maybe I thought that maybe you you I didn't know if you were gonna be here. Thank you. Are you gonna do you wanna are you gonna watch the show or no? I was gonna I was gonna co-host the show with you. Should she sit like on my lap?

SPEAKER_04 1:50:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_13 1:50:18

We'll be right back.

SPEAKER_02 1:50:20

Your eyes are so bloodshot right now.

SPEAKER_06 1:50:23

This is gonna be such a fun episode. If that's how we're gonna start, let's see how this ends. Dude, if you ask me out, I'll say yes. Yeah, I have no problem approaching a guy. Ever. How did you and Bert meet? I knew his roommate really well. I'm a cute girl. We had so much fun. And I was like, it's 2 a.m., dude. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Have a nice day.

SPEAKER_04 1:50:44

I love that though. That's cool. Yeah. It's like your secret weapon.

SPEAKER_06 1:50:48

It is a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. I can hang with the boys. You're fun as hell. I am fun as hell. We only have half an hour, right? That's not long enough. Um. I love your show. Thank you. I think it's awesome. I think you're just adorable and sexy and fun and funny and sharp, and I just love it. Basically. Thank you. Right. Sweating profusely. And I was like, he is terrified. Terrified of like a real woman. Yeah. I was he just kind of stammered and stuttered, and I was like, I just went, huh. This might be what I'm looking for. He pulled up in front of my apartment building and blew the horn. Because I thought maybe he was scared of women in general. Or that he's inconveniencing me by just being himself. But yeah, I have no problem. Last night we were at the bar doing shots and people kept leaving me out, and I'm like, why are you leaving me out? I'm not dead. I'm just 50 fucking three, right? Can I oh sorry.

SPEAKER_13 1:51:48

A lot of people obviously uh heard the news and saw last week's episode um where Christina hosted it. And um I don't feel a need to like say a lot to people, but um it's been horri it's a horrible experience. So I just want to let people know it's uh privately, it's horrible. It's a long, it's a long experience. It's emotionally a roller coaster. You uh your emotions change often many times in a day, if anyone's ever been through it or knows anyone, it's like it's not you don't feel the same all the time. Having it be public is uh it's awful, you know. I can only tell you that it's awful. Um and the day you get a phone call from your publicist going, hey TMZ uh has like got wind of this and they're gonna run a story. You're like, what? This is me addressing what it is and how it's been, and it's been terrible.

SPEAKER_14 1:52:44

I know 10% of the trolls are shit, but the rest of us are just, you know, we're heartbroken that you're you guys are sort of the North Star, especially in entertainment. And you know, it makes a lot of people feel a certain way, like if they can't, can we? You know, 20 years, 20 years, two decades is a long time.

SPEAKER_04 1:53:08

Address it to the audience. Um, yes, Tom and I are divorcing, and um it is extremely sad. It's um sorry. I didn't know if I was gonna cry this soon. It is very sad. Um we have tried to work it out for several several years for the sake of our children and our family, and we gave it all we could, um, but we just couldn't work things out. Um we are no longer a couple, but we make the children a priority. You know, look, we had 20 amazing years together, and that's a really good run, I think, in a marriage. 20 years together, and we uh we have comedy careers. We most importantly created a comedy careers. We I we've been through a lot together. Um we've been through Tom and I getting married and living in Silver Lake and being two broke comics. And I want you to know that I'm still your mom and I'm still here, and we will survive, we will get through this bullshit like we have gotten through everything else in life. Just so everybody knows, like, we are amicable. This is not an ugly divorce. Like, we're cool, dude. It's been 20 years and we met in our 20s. So, you know, people change us. It's just one of those things. And I just also want to say, yeah, you don't need to take teams. Um, he's gonna host the show when he can, because he's filming a lot of film films and television right now, and I'm gonna host the show. Ugh. Ugh.

SPEAKER_02 1:54:49

I'm soaking wet. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

unknown 1:54:57

One goes top and small, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories in Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep between.

SPEAKER_01 1:55:06

Here's what we call two bears on key. Hi, Kikita! Hi, little sucker, hi, little insect, hi little why, my little tiny insect, hi, sucker!