growNman
growNman
168 Choose Your Circle, Shape Your Life
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What if the quality of your life could change just by choosing who and what you allow into your space? We dive into how to attract the energy you deserve by getting intentional about partners, habits, and daily effort. From the myths of “having fun” to the reality of consequences, we lay out a practical path that helps men step into accountability, protect their peace, and build relationships that actually grow.
We unpack how upbringing shapes our language and choices, why the first 25 years are training more than mastery, and how fear used wisely keeps you alive and out of trouble. The heart of the conversation centers on partnership: selecting someone compatible, preventing burnout by sharing the mental load, and creating safety so vulnerability becomes a strength. John shares hard-won lessons from marriage—moving from 50-50 ideals to real support, hearing what burnout sounds like, and learning to translate concerns into consistent action.
Along the way, we connect home and work. Leadership that serves teachers and shows up daily attracts trust; the same is true in love. You’ll hear the CAD-E framework—Communication, Activity, Diet, Emotional intelligence—and why cleaning up what you consume can sharpen clarity and calm your reactions. We close with a challenge to build “benchmarks” every day: small moments of growth that stack into a life you recognize and respect. If you’re ready to choose better people, set clearer expectations, and make your person truly feel safe and seen, press play and lean in.
Enjoyed this conversation? Follow the show, share it with a friend who needs the push, and leave a review telling us the benchmark you’ll create today.
What up, Doe? And welcome back to I'm Growin' Man. It's your man John D in the building. Um, hope everybody's having a wonderful uh start to their February. Uh I just wanted to get on here and just talk about attracting the energy you deserve. And when I say attracting the energy you deserve, I mean getting the people around you that can get you to be the best version of yourself. Now, this is what I've noticed in research through the help of my wife, of course. Uh, my wife says that depending on your experiences, you know, your language is going to sound similar to the people that understand you. And depending on where you grew up, you know, that energy could end in a in a in a place that you don't want to go. But you have to be aware enough. And that's the reason why kids are supposed to be supervised. When I say supervised, I mean like parented. And parenting should be intentional, you know, and if you end up having babies with people that you are not compatible with, it makes it very difficult on your kids to grow the way you would like them to. Now, I'm not saying that from my experiences because I'm just saying this is the ideas that I would love. Because in my idea of parenting, I would hope that my kids will be able to look back and, you know, appreciate the way they grew up and, you know, build great relationships with their parents, you know, where the generational relationship grows. Like my father died at a young age, my mother, she's still alive, but our relationship is limited through language. Um she understands, and I don't think I can be open where I can describe it. I'm learning Korean, but not at a fast enough rate where I can feel like I can get as much wisdom from her to be a better parent to mine. Um so it's very important that the relationship you create with somebody is intentional. And in order for us to be successful, we have to change the message for young men. Like, no woman should be winning you. You know, you should be selecting the woman that you feel like can bring out the best version of you. And when I say that, that means you have to like truly get to know this person. You can get to know the person where they could just be a friend, but you get to know them to know if you guys are compatible enough to build together. And I don't think we know how to do that because we're taught about um intercourse where we believe that it's that important that we convince immature people that it's a part of life and you're gonna do it anyway. And they're going to, of course, make bad decisions and you know procreate with a non-qualified person, both of them being non-qualified, because they don't understand how important it is that when you pick a partner, that you're gonna be responsible for better versions of you two. And if you don't pick the right partner, the better versions of you two may be separate. And we got to be careful. In my last episode, I was just talking about how, you know, the first 25 years of your life, I know they say you're an adult of 18, but you're still a kid. You don't know anything, you haven't done enough, you haven't explored anything. No matter how tough your neighborhood is, the world is way bigger and people don't act like your neighborhood. So, in order to win out in the world, you have to learn how people interact. And sometimes your childhood environment could give you a false idea of what the world really is, and it could compromise you. And when I say that, some neighborhoods are pretty tough, right? So when you go out, you're not afraid of anything. And that is the weakness. You should be afraid. You shouldn't be scared to, you know, protect yourself, but you shouldn't walk into trouble. And I I definitely see a lot of people not being afraid of a situation when if they were, they would still be alive, or the other person would still be alive, or they're not locked up, or something bad wouldn't have occurred. And we have to create a better way of changing information so that we can grow just as humans. And I think if we're more intentional with who we pick in our life, we can attract the energy we deserve. And I, you know, I thought about I thought about my entire past before my wife, I look at it, and like I can say there were moments that that were good, I had fun, but if any of those situations became a mistake, I don't get here. And I don't think the fun was worth like the chance of not getting here. The people that I'm referring to in my past, they were great people. They deserved a better person because I wasn't looking to grow or build with them at that time. I was just looking to have fun because that's what I was in my mind. I'm just having fun in life. But to prevent from getting here because I was having fun, it just says that I didn't have enough information or I was too immature to know how important I was then. Because although these people, these young ladies, could have been having fun also, like if something would have occurred where like a mistake, a pregnancy, and they decided to keep it, like it it sends us both on a different trajectory, unless I decide to try to make this work and be mature enough. But there's no way I was mature enough then. You know, in my head I thought I could have been, but I wasn't. So I'm just saying, if we decide to get to know the person that we're considering doing that with, we'll find out if it's worth it. And once you realize how important you are, that energy, I promise, the people that you're gonna come around will make better decisions. And but you have to believe you deserve a better outcome. You can't just be out here thinking that you're just having fun. Because having fun gives consequences that nobody asks for. So you need to have responsible fun. And and I'm and and when I say that, I'm I'm you know, I started at a very young age, and I look back and I just can't believe that was okay. And being in uh a middle school administrator, I want to prevent a lot of the the possible scenarios that could happen. You know, being like that, I'm almost 50, and I've seen a lot. And not only that, I've experienced a lot where teenage pregnancy was in my home at a very young age, and no parent wants that. Like we're still kids. Like I said, like you should be exploring, getting to know yourself, and now we're thinking about making adult, the adult-like decisions. And you know who that impacts the most? Your parents. So we have to be able to make better decisions and pass on better messages so that we can enjoy the quality of life more. And I don't I I feel like a lot of times we get it taken away from us because, like I said, we're ignorant or we don't understand the consequences that could change our path. We have to be more in tune with finding out who we are. You know, if you've been keeping up with me, you know, communication, activity, diet, and emotional intelligence. If you work on this and master these things by the age of 25, I'm not saying that you're not going to enjoy life more, but you have a start that will make you appreciate why you had to learn those things. You know, I'm still trying to figure out emotional intelligence. And like I said, I'm I'm 50, almost 50. I got a couple years. I keep putting years on it. It just sounds so much better because I can't believe so much time has gone by so quickly that I can almost say that. Like, I'm almost 50. And like I said to people that I speak to, like this information I'm giving you, it can't hurt you. It can only help you understand how important you are and give you a better chance of the result you're looking for. And when I say result, I'm not talking about the end. I'm talking about like the feeling you get when you're doing something. Like when you attract the energy you're supposed to attract, you feel safer. Safe to be vulnerable so that you can learn with your folks, with your people, with your person. And that's what my wife has taught me. Through my life, I've had patches of friends, different parts of my life. I have some of them that are still around, some not as much. But in the last 25 years of my life, my wife has been the most consistent out of everybody, right? And besides, we've lived together for the last 18 years, 18 and a half years. So she knows me fairly well. But not only that, she knows me really well because in the last six years, I've intentionally tried to get to know her so that she can understand why I think the way that I think. It takes a different maturity to do that with your partner. Like we literally sit down together every night. Well, when she's not sick or if I'm not sick. But even there's been times where we're still in the same room, you know. But we we try to spend the time, spend the time to grow. You know, like we're not only parents, but we're partners and we're friends and we're to the point where we look forward to what benchmark we could create. Like, just imagine. So, those of you that don't know, I'm really big on benchmarks. Like, people like, oh, I can't wait till the summer because I'm going here. That's probably gonna be a benchmark. We're going to like Puerto Rico or we're going to some other country or something like that, right? So that's gonna be something that stands out. Did you know you could create a benchmark every single day if you could control what you can control? Now, when I think about creating benchmarks, it's something that you're just gonna remind you of. I remember when that happened, or I remember feeling that way. Something that sticks with you, right? So I've learned that if you work on yourself and you create a routine where you're constantly finding ways to improve, you're going to develop outcomes that you haven't even, you didn't even know you could do. And you're going to single-handedly create benchmarks for yourself. It's almost like, you know how some people, they're they're hoping for a lottery, and you know, like like they'll pay money hoping for a large amount of money. Like to me, my lottery is me just working on my craft every single day. And my craft is really just creating a better relationship with my wife, my kids, becoming a better administrator at work, a better colleague to the people I work with, and making sure that my friends have a better friend. So ultimately just becoming a better version of myself. So having that mindset, it just changes how you feel as a person. And when I say like controlling what you can only control is you. So if you work on yourself every single day, you'll create benchmarks that you didn't even know you could. I I'll give you an example. There is a teacher with I think close to 30 years of teaching experience, and he says, My principal and me are the best administrators he's ever had. And he he stands on that. And I, you know what made me feel really good about that? Because I want my teachers to feel that way. Like, if you work on your craft, you'll get benchmarks like that. That's a benchmark for me. He didn't have to give that information to me. And he did that. Like, so that makes me feel good. Like I'm on a path of becoming a better administrator. And out of his close to 30 years of experience, and this is the first year he's worked with us, and he feels that way, we can only get better. But I didn't even know that that would be a benchmark. But that has happened because I haven't I've intentionally tried to find ways to become a better administrator. There are certain things that I do in that building to remind teachers that I'm here if you need me. Like I look for them, and it just showed me that I attract the energy that I'm looking for. So if you work on yourself, your environment is so much more peaceful when you know it's getting better. And I know I got off the tangent of attracting the energy you deserve with your partner, but I was just thinking like it's a great feeling to like just work on yourself and create benchmarks. But to bring it back and tie it back in, if you find your person, you can you potentially could create benchmarks every single day. That's the reason why we look forward to being with each other because we know it could happen. Just one conversation, you'd be like, oh my gosh, that was a really good conversation. You can do that every single day, but it just has, you have to do it. And you know, some people say, I don't want to talk every day. Don't do it. But understand, you can't become who you want to become without the work. And I'll tell you this: if you do the work and you say, I don't want to do it, but you do it anyway, when you get there, you'll be like, I'm glad I did it. I did. I remember not wanting to do it. I remember the person I thought I was. But me doing that made me feel this way, and I'm glad I did it. And I and I can stand on that. I'm willing to push this idea that if you work on anything, it gets better. And it's not a man bashing podcast, but this is a man accountability podcast because I stand on it. If you work on it, men, like whoever you with or whoever you're thinking about, it's gonna take an effort in you, not them. And I tell you this, if they're not doing what you think they're supposed to be doing, they either don't know it or you haven't discussed the expectations of what they're supposed to be doing. And I'll tell you, my wife, in the very beginning, before we got married, she was on this like womanly duty, female duty type stuff. Now, mind you, I was not about that. I was like 50-50, you know what I'm saying? Like, if you cook, I clean up the kitchen, I cook, you clean up the kitchen, I do the kids tonight, you do the kids, or we do it together. It was all about I didn't want her to burn out. And I didn't even know that then. I just didn't want her to feel like she was doing more to me. Now, mind you, regardless of my ideas of what I was doing, she was doing way more than me. Like the stuff that I'm telling you I'm doing, like, I know men that don't do that. They expect women to do those things, but I didn't want her to do that. But as our marriage continued to grow, I realized that our household was only in order because of my wife. She kept everything in order. I was just going to work and I was just making appearances at home. I'm I'm at home, but I'm saying, like, she's already done created these routines for the kids to do this, this, and this. Like, I didn't have any brain power. I didn't do all of that. She just told me what we were doing, and then I followed it. Like, I just think about all the planning my wife has done and like how much bandwidth that takes up. Now I don't, she she still had a real job. So just imagine you're in a relationship with a person and you guys are not hitting on all the chords. She's not gonna want to do all of that. And she did it for long enough to the point where she was burnt out. And I think uh she didn't know how to describe it. And how about this? She was burnt out with me doing my part that I said I was gonna do. And it it just hurts me because I really thought I was helping her out. Um but as time went on, you know, I started taking on more responsibilities because I didn't want her to feel like that. If she's saying these things, I was trying to take things off her plate. Like I started washing clothes, cleaning the bathroom, like cooking more. I was doing more things, and I didn't realize how many other things that still she was doing that I wasn't doing. But she was already burnt out to the point where I was willing to do it all because I know what she brought to the table. But if you don't, if you don't compliment your partner, you'll burn him out and destroy something that you were trying to build and not even know it because of the lack of communication. And when I say communication, I'm not saying that your partner's not telling you, but if you're not receiving it and they leave you, don't please believe they told you. They told you things that you probably just didn't understand and you couldn't receive. I'm gonna give you an example. I have a friend who tells me about the relationship, and he's not, she feels like he's not doing enough. And she's she's she's tired, she's burnt out. Now, mind you, I have a lot of friends like this. Like it's crazy. And I have conversations with my friends, but they don't understand the magnitude of it because I haven't been able to put it in words. But I was like, why don't you just listen, list out whatever your problems are that they're not understanding, and then say, come talk to me. And I'm talking about me, like, come talk to me because what I want to do is I want to help. Relationships. And I truly believe that if women gave their husband or partner a list of demands, maybe not demands, a list of concerns. And they gave it to their partner and they were to book an appointment with me, I would help them understand why there's a disconnect in the house. No lie. I'm almost for certain that I can translate that information. That is only if the man truly wants to win. Because I do notice. Whatever man that claims they're happy, there's a level of happiness that you can get to with a different intentional effort towards your relationship. If you really believe in your person, she could really become your person. And it wouldn't even feel weird. I think that's what it was before. I didn't think that my wife could be my person. And when I say that, I mean like, I don't know. I just, I just feel like I couldn't. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know it was possible. You know, I heard people say like that. That's my best friend. Yeah, I just I didn't believe that. And even when I hear it now, like I know men that say that, but there are things that we don't disclose because we just don't know to or we don't feel comfortable with, we're not vulnerable enough. Now, I've disclosed so many things to my wife that like she has an idea of who I am on the inside. Like if you don't tell your person your darkest areas, how can they know how to protect you? And a lot of times we don't feel like we need to be protected. But why be in a relationship if you got somebody who can't protect you in the ways that you can't see? She gave me, she gave me this energy that I want all of my friends to have. And shoot, I really want all men to have, because if you felt the way that I did, you would not only protect your partner, but you would try to make them the happiest person in the world because them being happy makes them create something differently. And they're most likely more creative than you in ways that you don't even know about. But if you make your person happy about living and then it's it's and I'm not gonna say it's a puppet type thing, because I'm almost saying like you're controlling this person. But if you really make a person happy, the energy and the environment is safe. When you're happy, you work differently. You know what I'm saying? You put a little more effort into whatever you're trying to create. But if you're not happy, it's like you're just trying to get it done. So imagine you making your partner so happy where they're creating a product that they didn't know that they could create because they've never felt happy that way from the energy you created. Think about that. Like, my wife ain't even there yet. But I get up every day with the intent on giving her a benchmark. And like, I don't I don't know how it's gonna happen, but I I want that for her. Because if you increase the quality of life of your partner, it makes you feel differently. And in order to get here, you have to be more cognizant of the energy you're creating. If you're complaining a lot, it's probably your diet telling you. If you master I'm I'm about to leave, but I just cade communication, activity, diet, uh, emotional intelligence. But the diet, if you master your diet, you get a different clarity that you can't have until you remove the toxins out of your body. And that's probably the most difficult addiction to be is watching what you put in your body. But if you can get there, if you can just get close to it so you can taste it, you'll be like, oh, I want to get this. Because once you get it, I'm not saying you can't relapse, but once you taste it, you know how to get back to it. And once you get it, you won't relapse. You, you, you'll figure out how to get the best out of you, and you know who benefits? Everybody in the environment. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G-A-T-A. Get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.