growNman
growNman
170 Boundaries Build Better Kids
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What up, Doe, and welcome back to Um Growin' Ben, The Man John D in the building. Today is a a day that is very cold. It's like record cold, like negative 16 is what I saw. And it's it's unbelievable because I did actually try to go outside. I uh donate plasma to make a little extra money because I don't make enough money in my day job to not go donate. But at the end of the day, I did say this. When my life turns around financially, I'm gonna continue to do this because it's for a good it's for a good cause. You know what I'm saying? I really and ultimately I wanna like build up the card and maybe possibly give it away or go, you know, spend it on somebody. But right now, I really need the money. But I enjoy the idea that I'm actually helping. So I do benefit financially, but I do want to continue to do that. But I today, uh on this cold day, um, I was just thinking about, you know, parenting and uh being in education and being a parent. I have a great perspective on, you know, like what's probably the best practice to get the results you want out of your kid. Now, the things I'm gonna say are things that I just recently learned, and I just feel like I see the relationships I've created with my kids. Like, I'll tell you this if you go back to the very beginning and ask the students that when I first started back in Orlando, even when I went to Atlanta, if you ask those students, did Mr. Lewis care, they would tell you, yeah. They thought I was cool, thought I was a really good dude, right? But this last, since I've been back in education, because I retired in 21, I thought I was done, but but since I've been back, these students got a whole different version of an educator. I started to like work on communication so much that I realized so many things about kids because I ask more questions now. Like, and I can hear a little more where before it was just like I was an administrator and they knew I cared, but it's different now. It's like they, they, they, I don't know, they're open to listening differently. Now the behaviors, they're there's still a problem, but it's a maturity thing. And that's in my mind. Like I'm trying to help them mature because they're going to some of them will will will lose opportunities because they won't mature in time. And I think the place where I've gotten, I want to I want to be for them what I thought that I needed when I was their age. So I try to learn, like I said, different forms of communication. And this is one thing that I just told my friends. Like I'm 47, right? So I've been using 45 years of English, right? Because I wasn't speaking the first two years, maybe three years, but anyways. But as an adult, you talking to kids, you have to watch the words that you use because if you use language from all over your life to your kids, they don't understand most of the language. But we don't think that much into it. We think because we're using English words they're supposed to understand. But a lot of the message gets lost in translation. We don't teach boundaries. And a lot of times, kids don't know how to advocate for themselves unless somebody's crossed their boundary where they lash out or somebody taught them. But this is what I want you guys to know. If you teach communication to your kids where they can advocate for themselves by establishing boundaries, they'll have more healthier relationships. A lot of times, kids will allow a red flag to remain with the person because they want to be friends with this person and they don't want to lose them. So they'll like tolerate to the point where they'll feel like deep down they're getting bullied. And that's a feeling nobody wants to have. And I just feel like parents don't know that most kids can't advocate for themselves because they don't know how to communicate. Period. There's a lack of confidence in telling somebody that's too far. Hey, we can be friends, but I really don't think we should hit each other because, you know, I just feel like we need to like have three feet. Three feet. You don't hit me because, and this is another reason why you should teach boundaries. We can suspend students for horseplaying. And I'm gonna tell you why. Most of the fights that occur at school are between friends, and somebody hit somebody too hard and crossed the boundary and didn't know it, and the person got mad and hit them back and they get in a fight. That's majority of the fights, boundaries have been crossed. And it went from playing till a real fight, until a real fight. And it's like we shouldn't play that way. And I'm gonna tell you the reason why we cross boundaries because we can't communicate. We have to establish boundaries. Like, hey, I'm willing to lose that relationship right there if you can't keep your hands to yourself. If we could say that, I think the problem is the kids that would say that. Well, I guess you know what? We have to learn how to say it in a way where the person that's listening doesn't feel like they're being disrespected. Like, what could we say as a kid, like, hey man, that hurt. Don't do that again. Or, hey, man, did you mean to hit me that hard? Look, you're too strong, man. We can't do that. And I'm just working out with you because I just thought about it. Like, it, it, it typically kids who can advocate for themselves are tough little kids. And we want kids that aren't tough to be able to de-escalate a potential situation where a kid, like if a kid is afraid that they might want to fight or something, we have to come up with a set of words where that kid would be like, oh, my bad, man, I didn't mean to do that. So if we could teach our kids the confidence of what can we do to get this kid to say this, and I think we would have healthier relationships because everybody grows in different places. And as parents, we have to be a lot more intentional with raising our kids. And I'm gonna show you. In my quarter of a century of years in education, I've seen parents spoil their kids. When I say spoil, they will they will buy their kids every single thing and not even really have the job to back it up, but they will disguise the idea that they're struggling. And I'm gonna tell you this I think if we could stop that messaging right there, if we showed our kids, hey, I made some tough decisions and right now this is called struggling versus protecting that idea because I see kids wearing very expensive clothing and some of them don't plan to go in college, go to college. And I want to know if they're not gonna like go to a trade school and they're gonna like go to the military, something, but those jobs don't even support those habits in the beginning. And I feel like we as parents set our kids up for failure, thinking like we're gonna show them to spend all our money on these expensive things, and they don't even know what you know, 40 hours a week feel like. And this is crazy. I'm gonna tell you, I'm so blessed that I kind of got out of the age of materialism because my kids don't ask for things like that. And I'll tell you this, I would have had to say a lot of no's because we're not in the position to just buy all of these pairs of shoes or these clothes. Like, we don't live like that. So if we had sold that dream, I don't know what kind of struggle bus I would have been on. But I'm glad that I don't have to fight that fight. Because I see some of these kids be so fresh, and I'm like, I know I make more money than them. And I'm like, how do you live like that? And and it's it's it's it's tricking like other kids also, because you know, our environment is people don't know certain things are fake. And when I say fake, I'm not talking about the clothing brands, I'm talking about the life, the idea that these kids are, they have parents that are doing it like that. That's unbelievable. And if they are doing it like that, it doesn't appear that way. And I feel like as parents, showing our kids, like, hey, we gotta work as a family. I need you to come home, you gotta do this. Like, if we're gonna do it, like I don't, I don't want my kids to feel like they're entitled. And that's that's a tough thing to do, like, depending on where you are on the parenting thing, because me and my wife know we have some pretty solid kids, but there are areas that they're lacking. And as parents, we we think like, what can we do? But, you know, it's at some point they're gonna have to do their part, you know, and all we can do is support, because they're they're they're almost grown at this point. You know, my son will be 18 this year, and uh they're gonna have to advocate, like in a way to feel confident out in this world. Now, I don't think this world is as tough as people think, as long as you know how to communicate, because whatever situation you're in, if you know how to communicate, the other person can understand, unless you just freakishly get into a situation that you can't get out of. But typically, if you are a strong communicator and you understand who you're talking to, you can get away peacefully. But you have to know the audience. And if you aren't exposed to the way different people move throughout the world, you could get trapped. And that's an uncomfortable feeling if you're not prepared. But in this is just the parenting aspect. This is the things that I'm thinking about as my kids move on into this world. Did I give them enough? So going back to middle school, these kids need a safe place in their parent. And the safe place is where they understand the boundaries of being a kid, but they feel like you're safe enough, you can get them out of trouble if they do something stupid. Because kids will do things that they're not supposed to do. And although you can be disappointed, beating it out of them is not gonna change it because they probably don't know that consequence is gonna create hate. And you don't want that because if you whoop your kids enough, if they get in trouble, they won't ever tell you. And then they'll get in more trouble because they're gonna get information from their friends. So I'm telling you, as a parent, you have to teach your kids communication and boundaries. If your kids can communicate well and they can establish boundaries, they will advocate for themselves, and that will change their life. So I'm telling parents to tell their kids to do this. Parents will have to intentionally work on communication. Kids don't fail on purpose. Kids fail because they don't know how to do it, they didn't, they weren't prepared, they don't know how to ask questions to get the help they need. Most of the time they don't know how to do it. And because I I was just thinking there were if I knew how to do something, I would probably do it and then get in trouble. But if I don't know how to do it, I'm just gonna get in trouble because I don't have nothing, I don't have anything to keep me focused long enough. So I want to encourage all of you parents to look for ways to improve so that your kids can consider you their safe place. Because a lot of kids go to school believing that's their safe place. And although you have all of these adults, we only get so long with them, you know. So they're home with you. They're supposed to be home with you. But if they go to school for the safe place, that means the environment needs to change. Oh, yes, this is what I need you to know. We know you grew up tough. I know that. And I was just telling my friend, he was like, but you know what? They parents were horrible. I was like, yeah. Like, we are, you gotta think where you are. Are you gonna be the parents that figure it out and say, I have to learn more about this so that I can stop a cycle? Because if you don't, you're hoping your kids are gonna figure it out. Or they're going to, yeah, it's gonna be very difficult for them to figure it out if you don't figure it out. Because the apple don't fall too far from the tree. So the only way that apple's gonna get brighter is if you accept the responsibility and find ways to become a better parent. Because when you become a better parent. Now check this out. I know a lot of you guys, this is what I used, this was my bar. I'm way better than my dad. I was. But that was the bar was so low in comparison to the work that I could have been doing to become a better parent. If you're not intentionally trying to be like, like, you can't just look at I'm I'm I'm better than my parents, I'm way better than my parents. You're supposed to be. Okay? How much colder can you become than your parents? Because when you become that much colder, your kids will learn all of that under your umbrella. And then they'll be that much colder if they continue to look for new information to raise our kids for tomorrow. But we have to do it on purpose. If your kids don't have this safe place that that's physical, verbal, mental abuse, like if you can be petty to your kids, that means you're probably immature. Like your kids are kids. They they they're learning and maybe they don't understand, but they they're not doing anything to make you petty. And I'm telling you, when you do that, you're making, you're telling them that it's okay to do that. And then you get upset because, you know, well, I do that. It's not okay. We have to like remove some of these behaviors. We should not be cussing out our kids. And I'm gonna tell you why. When you do that, your kids remember they're gonna grow up. And not saying they're gonna do anything to you, but the relationship is gonna be a little rocky because you're making them different people. Like they don't, most of the time, kids don't want to be tough. They become tough from their environment. And the world is not that tough. And sometimes you could become too tough for your own good, and it will compromise your kids. So we got to be careful what we're giving our kids. I'll tell you this. I would love for my kids to know how to fight. I want them to be able to protect themselves, but I believe that they communicate effective enough if there was a confrontation, my kids are just trying to figure out how can we make this right. Because I did not do that on purpose. Like, some people's like, oh, that's a punk way. Look, my kids aren't fighters. So I would prefer them to come home safely. Because whatever happened, if it wasn't on purpose, if it can't be fixed, what can we do to make it right? And I think that's better than getting into a fight because you're not a punk. Because you could hurt this person really bad. They may not wake up and you would for what? Like, or they do that to you, but it's not worth it. Or, you know, it's so many scenarios that don't benefit by not communicating effectively. So we need to push that. Communication will change everything if you work on it. If you ask anybody anything, if you ask it right, they'll do it for you. But most of the time we don't know how to ask because we don't have enough information. We gotta work on becoming a better example for our kids so that when we are old enough, we can appreciate the relationship of our kids. Because I'm I'm seeing more and more dysfunction in families when the kids become adults. Like it's almost like the parent never mature, and now you see this kid that's now an adult, and you know they didn't mature either because they're going back and forth. Or they'll just not talk. And I feel like no parent ever really wants to not talk to their kid, and we don't know how to make it right. And we have to heal. Most importantly, we need to heal from our childhood because our parents were really just doing the best they could. And if you got a lot of whoopings, they thought that that consequence would change the behavior, but we learned it just created hate and anger and man. You know, and the reason why I know this to be true, because I I I did it with my kids, and my kids weren't even bad kids, but if they did something, and I felt like the whooping was real. And if you can communicate effectively, if you tell your kid correct, where they understand it, they won't do it. Just because they said yes, they understand, don't mean they truly understand if they did it. Because your kid is not out here trying to disappoint you. No. Unless you've hurt that kid so much and it's become to the point where they want to disappoint you, that's something you did to them. These kids do not have a mind of their own. You are molding their minds, whether you're doing it positively or not. It's happening. If you're not playing a significant role, that is playing a significant role. Like whether you parent or not, it's a reflection of your participation. And I'm seeing painful moments with adults, you know, still not accepting the fact that they did not do enough or they've given up. You can still repair it. It has to be on purpose. And, you know, as a parent, I want all parents to know it's really in your court, especially if you're cognizant. If it's ego and pride, you better get it together because the cycle's gonna stop where? Because I'm gonna tell you, it's gonna be very difficult for your son or daughter to be able to change the family if they're not talking to you. Like, if these kids are gonna like, why are we not talking to our grandmother or our grandfather? Like, they're gonna think that's okay and it's gonna happen. Like, the cycle is so crazy. We have to work on communication because families are being broken because we don't know how to communicate. Hopefully, this episode gave you a different insight on what we can do to get a better performance or a better, I want to say performance, but yeah, a better to get the best out of our kids, we have to keep working to get better in something. Our kids gotta be like, oh, my parents, yeah, that's what they do. Like they, yeah. If they're not doing it, it's like your parents just come out and watch TV after they get off work and complain, or they gambling, like right in front of you. They're doing things that they feel like it's okay. And I'm gonna tell you this if you have an environment like that, it's gonna take a different kind of kid who believes in themselves to know that that's probably not the best environment for it, so it don't swallow you in because living in environments like that will make you believe that that's okay. It's not okay. And if you think that's okay, it's hard to get out of. It's hard to get out of that. I've seen that. So I'm asking you, kids, whoever's watching, if that's you live in a tough environment, you are going to have to focus, get everything you can out of school, learn how to communicate, watch your diet, work on your emotional intelligence. And when you go out in the world, you'll be more prepared to take it on. But if you get swallowed by your environment and you don't think anything's wrong with it, you're gonna become, I don't wanna say a bot, because you still have the potential to turn it around, but it's so difficult to know that you you you're in this cycle that it's gonna require effort that your parents didn't know how to do. And you just kind of stay there. And that's dangerous. So that's one thing I can say is that I work on communication that give These students, you know, the motivation to go explore when they graduate from high school. Because you can always come back home, but go get everything you can out there. So just as a parent, you know, I I don't know how parents would feel about that, but I feel like you're supposed to want your kid to be great. So I'm pushing them. I want them to go. But if they feel like they have to stay home, that's that's the choice that they would have to make. But I've seen the consequences of that. I don't see too many good things where kids stay and they become the best version of themselves. They always go and see how they compete or learn how other people do what they do and they bring it back if they do come back and they make their city better. But if they don't go anywhere, it's hard to see further than your hand. If we're abusing our kids, I need you to consider this, and then I'm gonna get out of here. Um, abuse is anything that can make them upset to the point where they're vengeful, like they want to get you back. Like they gotta know the difference between being stern and well, I guess you gotta teach them that, but you don't. We gotta communicate. We gotta protect our kids because they're mean for reasons, and no kid wants to be angry. And we make them that way. We have to learn to heal so that they can heal, and we become better parents, they become better kids, and we change the trajectory for our families on purpose. Y'all make today better than yesterday. Don't worry about anything you can't control. G A T A. Get after that action, or that action will get after you. Be great on purpose.