The Messy Hairstylist

The Hidden Cost of Success

• Kelsey Morris & Abby Warther

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We’re pulling back the curtain on what it really costs to “make it” in the salon industry. From decision fatigue and imposter syndrome to mom guilt, comparison traps, and the physical toll of staying booked and busy—we’re talking about it all. Plus, a peek into our NYC trip, a standout class in New Jersey, and how we’re redefining success in a way that actually feels good.

P.S. Want The Blonde Catalyst at your salon next year? Text us with your email—we’re booking now!


Follow Abby on Instagram and TikTok at @theabbywarther
Follow Kelsey on Instagram at @kelseymorrishair

SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the Messy Hairstylist Podcast. I'm Kelsey Morris. And I'm Abby Warther. Whether you're a mess literally or figuratively, we are here to help you take imperfect action to find your success as a hairstylist.

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome, messy besties. I'm Kelsey Morris. And I'm Abby Warther.

SPEAKER_00:

You did so good. I wanted you to stumble and just sit there. I was ready.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, that was good. What do you think that's real for us? Should we change our intro to something serious instead of always having to just figure out how to start it?

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's great. I like I love it because it's it's yes. Welcome, messy besties. Okay. Well, next time we're gonna be so, so proper on that.

SPEAKER_01:

So this is the start of the podcast. Okay. Yeah, no, we started it. You didn't even know. No, let's do it. You didn't even know. Okay, well, um, Abby and I just got back from New York. We taught in a really awesome salon in New Jersey. So I want to touch on that a little bit before we get into today's episode. Um, it was my first time to, as they call it, the city.

SPEAKER_00:

You've learned you've learned a lot in the last couple of days. We've literally been together, yes, um, not the however many hours days, and went to New York City first to run around before we went and taught that class in New Jersey. Um, and you learned a lot. Um I did too to keep you away from the subways.

SPEAKER_01:

I was gonna say I wanted to get on the subways, but um apparently they didn't want me to get on the subways because they thought, you know, you never know what could happen down there. I could get lost.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

But wait, you you learned something too. Where does the Lincoln Tunnel go, Abby? It goes under the Hudson River.

SPEAKER_00:

Exactly. Yeah, I know, I know. We we're really cultured now. But we had so much fun. We went to New York City um because our flight was insanely early the day before our class. And so that was her first time. I've been a couple of times, and we just kind of ran around. We didn't have concrete plans except for we booked the night before we flew out um tickets to a show. We saw six um Broadway, and it was so, so good.

SPEAKER_01:

If you have not seen Six or have not heard about it, it was absolutely incredible. I had no idea what to expect, and I go to shows all the time, and I was like, this is one of my favorite shows I've ever seen. It was okay, it was so funny. You were laughing, it was amazing, it was awesome. And then we went to Gradient Salon in New Jersey. So shout out to Jess, the owner of Gradient Salon. Um such a good salon owner. I uh we talked about that the whole Uber back to the airport. We're like, she is so great, everybody needs a Jess.

SPEAKER_00:

Um Jesses in the industry owning these small but mighty salons that are running them really well based on education and team and all this stuff. And um, she was the the hostess with the most us, and she fed us really well too. Oh my gosh. We had us Ohio girls are not used to eating.

SPEAKER_01:

We had full on Italian food for lunch, yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

We eggplant rigoling. I don't know what she called it, but every time I was like, What's this called again? She looked at me like, have you really never heard of this? I'm like, no. So Jess, I'm sorry, I still don't know what's called. It's like I keep saying eggplant Rollyano, but I know that's not it. Yeah, well, we tried really hard.

SPEAKER_01:

But uh, we taught the blonde catalyst. It was an amazing, successful class. We have just been going getting so much, gaining so much traction with this class. And it's been awesome to watch all the little tweaks we've made and how we're putting them into play. Um, so if any of you listeners are interested in the blonde catalyst for next year, uh give us shout us out, contact us, send us a DM. We're going to message.

SPEAKER_00:

We've we're already booking into January, and so we're now, I think, into February into next year to have salons bring us in for blonde catalysts, whether it's for your team or for you want to open it up to other stylists in your area. I mean, I think the biggest thing with it is that we're seeing um all these aha moments and even these seasoned hairstylists that know how to foil because we're teaching foiling differently. Um, so you can do a 25 foil look and also um how it works with balayage. And um, yeah, you're just a better foiler when you're a painter, and you're a better painter when you're a better foiler. So yes, I'm excited about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Very, very exciting. We're excited to see what next year brings. Um, okay, without talking about ourselves too much, you know, I think we should we can move on. Um I'm pumped about this episode. So good one. Everyone glamorizes success, but no one talks about what it actually costs. And that's why today I brought the topic of the hidden cost of success. Yes, I know it's a good one.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because it always just looks at like someone that you perceive to be successful, it's like, wow, they just must have it so easy. Like everything has worked out for them. Um, but there is, there are some big costs. Um, and I'm excited to get into those today because I think that we've both experienced these things with the successes that we've had. Um, and I know just even talking yesterday at the salon at the with the stylist yesterday at the salon, um salon ownership and the cost of that. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly. So I think, you know, it can be anything from mental, relational, physical, financial. It just affects every part of your life. And, you know, with social media, I say this all the time. I feel like such an old lady when I say this, with social media, a lot of what we're seeing isn't reality. Um, you only see for the most part people's good things and the things we celebrate and win. Like, and I mean, we're even guilty of it. You know, we posted nonstop about us in New York, and there's there's times when it feels like we should probably share some of the things that aren't as great. So it's just like keep in mind that a lot of what you're seeing, there's just some there's some hidden things behind. So I mean, I I think the first thing to start with is the mental cost.

SPEAKER_00:

So yeah, success. So for people that have had success, gained success, are growing to the success that they want, yeah. I think probably the first thing that happens is that mental mental cost.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. The pressure to keep growing is the one thing that stands out to me. Yeah. When you get to a point where you're like, I am killing it, you know, and you're you're finally seeing your dreams are coming true. Don't you feel like it's hard to just like stay there in this space of like, I'm doing great, everything's great. Because then then comes this like pressure that maybe's not even put on you by someone else, but like yourself of like, what's next? What can I do next? Where do I go from here? And you just have that like I remember feeling that like I should be content, I should be good with where I'm at, but like, no, I have to keep going.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, yeah, totally. I've been there a million times. Like, you you get to the thing that you think that is the success, and then well, now what? What's next? Like, yeah, it's it's interesting. I think if I were to talk to somebody who is new starting out, like really put together what your goals are and know where what's your like happy place? Not your like, I'm gonna blow it out of the water, but what's your happy place? And let's have that be your basic, your ground, what's your your baseline?

unknown:

Right?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, like no, I think that's exactly what I was gonna say. Yeah I wish, I wish, and I think it's not too late to start, so I'm gonna start doing this. This is a good one. Uh that I had sat down and almost made, you know, a vision board or what are those, what are the manifestations type deal when I was younger and starting my career out and been like, okay, I will feel like I had made it when I got to this point. And that point looks like, you know, what salon environment am I am I in? Am I an owner? Am I educating? How much money am I bringing in? What does my family life look like? Am I going to concerts? Am I out on my boat? You know, what does that look like? Because it's so hard, you know, when you're coming from coming from the bottom, now we're here to like look back and remember. Do you know that song? That's a good song. I have no idea what you're singing. Started from the bottom, now we're here. Someone's gonna know it. No, start it from the bottom, then my whole team is here. That's the edited version because I can't sing the non-edited version on here, but it is hard when you are building yourself up and years go by and you forget what that younger hairdresser was like, just thinking, wow, I would have been so proud of you just to have done that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And you forget. I do see see people put posts on social media. There's a little thing that they've this year that people have done is um like, what do you mean I opened a salon? And it's like a picture of them as a kid, you know? And it's like, oh yeah, we do have to do that. So I agree, like, because I think part of that pressure to keep growing then also stems from um all of us suffer from imposter syndrome. So you're like, so like it's like you've created some success, and then you have this little imposter syndrome, you're like, well, maybe I I don't know, maybe I'm not good enough. Let's now go to the next thing to prove it too. And it is always about proving to ourselves. We put this pressure on ourselves, people who are highly motivated, like us, and um, yeah, you put your own pressure on. It's not really coming from someone else.

SPEAKER_01:

100%. And you just I think it's hard. I suffer from this to not compare yourself to the person down the street or the person that you're seeing, you know, all the time on on the Instagram. Shoot, I had this idea the other day. I'm like, I am a successful. Well, I've had a lot of ideas, Abby. I know you're laughing because you're thinking about I know what you're thinking about.

SPEAKER_00:

We're not gonna share the idea that you've had in New York City, but just it was able to know. Oh my god, Kelsey is unique. Okay. Yes, I am we're gonna keep that just between us.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh god, I forgot what my idea was about imposter syndrome. It was something ridiculous. I don't know, but it was it was good. But um, shoot, I forgot about it because my New York idea was so much better. Essentially, though, where I'm going with this is imposter syndrome still affects all of us all the time. And it it got me the other day. Um, it still gets me all the time, clearly, because I'm thinking about the most random things all the time. But I wanted to do something unique with my upstairs of my salon. And I we had talked about um doing like some kind of really cool like cafe, like something interesting like that. And then because there's a salon that's close by that they have this awesome like salon with a cafe, and at night it turns into like a little social club. And I think that's the coolest idea. And I'm like, well, they're like the coolest salon, I'm not as cool as them. So it like started to get to me. I'm like, well, I could do that, I could do that, and then I'm like, no, you need to not all other business, just because why would you do that? No, no, you don't have to be like them. No, you don't have to be like them, like you have your own thing, you know.

SPEAKER_00:

You probably have like three other people that are part owners in that business and running that, it's not just a one-woman show like Kelsey, right?

SPEAKER_01:

You know, so you know, I battled the imposter syndrome, but it did get me for a minute feeling inferior because everybody's been talking about it and you start to be like, uh, but here's what I have learned the longer I've been working and in the industry and everything is I don't need to have that, I don't need to own that, but you can go have a cocktail at that place.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, absolutely. You know, I recommend it to other people. I'm like, this is great. You can go and enjoy that, you don't need to own that. You don't need to have that business. Yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

What about um decision fatigue? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, for sure. A thousand that's that to me is the hardest, the hardest mental cost of hidden success or of success is mental or the decision fatigue. I'm like every single day, I'm like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

This heeps into your personal life then too.

SPEAKER_01:

It does, yeah. It does, it really does. Or and then you almost feel paralyzed to do like really anything because you're exhausted from all the decisions you make on the day to day. My family gets frustrated with me. You know, like the jokes on Instagram that are like, I asked my wife what she wants for dinner, and she's like, I don't care. And then I recommend Italian. She's like, Ew, no.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yes, we all do that.

SPEAKER_01:

I think I do that.

SPEAKER_00:

We all do that, yes. So yeah, you know, do you think that's I just want people to read my mind. I think this happened to us um when we were traveling this weekend. I like said half of a thought, half of a sentence, and then I stopped, just wanting you to read my mind and know what I was saying. And you're like, what you didn't finish your sentence. I'm like, I know, I just I'm tired and I just want you to know what I'm saying. And I do that a lot. I do that to my husband, I do that to my kids. I'm like, you know what I mean? That person, that thing that that you know, you're like, just figure it out, stop asking questions and use contact clues. But as much time as we've spent together lately, like you should do better, Kelsey, really.

SPEAKER_01:

You should shots fired. Shots fired. Okay, well, then next time just don't say anything after and let me use my context clues to see if I can figure it out. Just give me like three words. Okay, great.

SPEAKER_00:

I think you'll be good at it.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, so besides mental cost, um, what's another one that you think is really um like so what it does to your relationships.

SPEAKER_00:

So so like it's like something has to give. You can't just have success, have can we have it all? I wish that we could, but it we can't have ever have it all every single moment of every single day. And so there are sacrifices that we have to make with success, and unfortunately, that can be a sacrifice that we have on our relationships. Um so, like, you know, when you are hustling and you're building something to have success, like us this weekend, we had to miss some kids' soccer games. Both of us did.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep, we did.

SPEAKER_00:

And um, it sucks and it's sad and it's hard, but um, those are some of those sacrifices that we have we've had to make, and that's the cost of that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I do agree with that. That that's the hard that's probably one of the hardest things is the is the missing of the things. And you know, being in our industry, for most of us that are I shouldn't say for most of us, but I feel like a lot majority of salon owners, especially in the rental community, we can make our own schedules and kind of you know work around things. But we were talking about how, right, we book a class out six months in advance, and then there's nothing in the schedule, and then all of a sudden soccer games pop up. Yeah, but work has to take priority in those times, but you still feel guilty for the kids because you know they're like, Mom, I just keep trying to hold on to, you know, I'm teaching my girls to how to be a strong woman. Um, I'm teaching my son that women are strong women, and I am just trying to build a life for them while being present as much as I possibly can. So being able to prioritize them as often as I possibly can, but then still work when I need to is how I balance that.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, when those things happen, I do take a step back and look at the big picture because we both have two girls and a boy. And um, I agree with you a hundred percent on that. That you are, yes, it's hard. Yes, they get sad to see you have to go to work and stuff. And like my kids right now, because like fall is busy teaching season season. They know I'm sorry, and my husband, he reinforces it. Like, I'm sorry that I have to be away. This is my busy season with teaching. It's just lines up with their soccer season, and um, but I agree, it shows especially daughters, yes, being strong, but also we gotta forget, we can't forget about those boys that we're raising, teaching them to um value how to be supportive, yeah, how to be supportive and understanding. Yeah, yeah. And to be like, I mean, my girls are like, oh my son's like, okay, cool, I get it. No problem.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, no, my son this weekend said, Where are you even at?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, oh my god, we had a whole cover. That's a whole nother rabbit hole. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm like, Lincoln, I told you I was in New York, but yes, you know, he's like, Great, I love your pictures. Yeah, great. Have a good time, come back safe, don't go in the subway. Yeah, so yeah, I I think the relationship costs are hard. And having that balance and just trying to um run away from the mom guilt can be difficult sometimes. And I I do the same thing. I try that we were talking about earlier with like, I wish we had set goals when we were younger, but I have done a much better job of um parenting. My parenting cost, I should say, is and not feeling that and not feeling that pain and that sadness of the mom guild because I've been kind of like writing it out. I've all of a sudden got a really detailed calendar, and I've been writing out the days. I know you would be impressed. It is so detailed because my life is so crazy right now. But all the days, listen, this is where I take it to a next level. This is my detailed calendar, next level. When the days that I may I have gotten through the whole week without feeling like I've had to miss something for my children based on work or what I'm doing personally, I circle it. Just circle that day. And then at the end of the week, I kind of add that up and I'm like, look, you you killed it this week. Yeah, and so what next week? If you have to miss a couple days, guess what? Yeah, it's gonna be fine. So that's just a I'm a visual person, so I had to have that visual reminder as much as I possibly can.

SPEAKER_00:

I love that, but I also like always say to moms, because this is what I tell myself, because I don't I can't say that I feel guilt because I I do look at that bigger picture, but I do miss them. You and I talked about it this weekend. Like, I get homesick for my kids. So it's just that that's the feeling I get. I get this homesickness. I just want to be there for everything. But like, if you're worrying about this, you're a good mom. No, if you're missing something, you're a good mom. Like, so it's like you're a good mom, but you also are a good mom because you're killing it and you're working and you're doing and you're also doing something you're love, you love, you're teaching your children to do something you love. You're so right. And so that's because I say that to my kids a lot. I'm like, it's so rare. Most people in this world don't love what they do, right? I agree with you. So lucky that we love what we do, and I want my kids to have that too. But let's talk, let's okay. That's all like the um, you know, rainbows and unicorn stuff. What about the call relationship cost of when things go sour, when either friends or coworkers or family members um they see your success, especially I think that we see this as hairstylists and salon owners, they're like, wait, oh, and they maybe get a little hint that we might be making some money, we might be doing some things. Um, and the jealousy and the energy. That's a hard one. That I had to deal with that. I think from the very the second you show any sort of success in the beginning of your career, of whether you're like uh independent stylist, commission stylist, and you're making some money. Maybe you go on a little vacation, you buy a nice car, whatever it is. I feel like I've had to deal with that at every juncture of success I've had. That's what I'm saying. I think that's the first one that really I see. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. And the P the P you have to become very mentally strong to handle that because because then he can even show up in um, oh, I'm not working weekends anymore to your clients.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, well, that must be nice, right? Because I'm not working nights anymore. Oh, well, that must be nice.

SPEAKER_01:

Don't you just want to say to them, have you worked a weekend or a night recently? Yeah. I'm just curious.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, I've had clients say that to me over the years as I changed schedules or raised my prices. So can we from even those small shifts? Like sometimes people want to see us at a certain lower level place, and when they start to see us taking control and being able to charge what we want and work when we want, they don't like that. No, I 100% agree with that one too.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a hard, that's a hard one. You have to be strong. I've had to deal. I feel like for me, and maybe it's because I'm not saying I don't care about what my clients think. That's not what it is. I just don't think I've taken this personally, but when it's people that you're close to, especially like friendships or coworkers or people in the industry, that's one that one's really hard for me because I feel like I've always been such a like cheerleader for everybody that I don't get jealous of others' success.

SPEAKER_00:

You want to be like, what are you doing? Let's keep your brain. Like, you know, that's what it was like that's when you and I came together. I'm like, right, healthy girl, let's get over here, let's work together, you know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But it should be like that, but now when everyone's like that, so I think I take that really personally because that one's hard. And I've had some really toxic things happen. And I'm just like, really? Why? I thought we were, you know, so I thought we were on the same team here. What are you doing?

SPEAKER_00:

But here's what I'll say like in my 20s and 30s in my career, experiencing those things with like people I was closer to really hurt, and I didn't understand it. Um, but now that I'm in my 40s, it's so interesting to look back now and be like, I have my people. So those who weren't like that to me, whether it be the personal relationships or the clients, like there are so many more people that are cheering me on and wanting to support me and to see my success. And those who weren't like that that did let the jealousy and envy set in and treat me poorly because of it, they're not, we're not in each other's lives anymore. And that those things have to happen. And I do so, but but when it's happening, you start to worry like, oh my god, does everyone think I'm the worst person alive?

SPEAKER_01:

Right. You start to question everything.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, but there are people you will have friends and family who do want to see you succeed.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, they're there. I agree. Um, totally agree. Now we're gonna touch on this one because I think this one is pretty obvious. The physical cost, the exhaustion, the skipped meals, lack of sleep. So physically got it, body wear and tear, like the absolute breakdown, the fact that we walked 15,000 steps and I wanted to get a massage today, but I couldn't decide if I wanted a massage or to lay on my couch.

SPEAKER_00:

Those were the big decisions I had to make.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it kind of felt like it was. It felt like a job to you. Okay, it felt like an actual job.

SPEAKER_00:

That was a big thing. You were really worried about walking around New York City.

SPEAKER_01:

I have little legs. I have very little legs.

SPEAKER_00:

You kept up with me though, you did good.

SPEAKER_01:

And also, you know what? Maybe that wasn't part of our job, but yesterday was when we were on our feet from literally six o'clock in the morning when you woke me up abruptly, all the way until 8 p.m. I didn't know. That was a long day.

SPEAKER_00:

I was like, I'm like, Kelsey, it's after six. We need to leave at seven, and we still need to get ready. And you're like, I'm 30 minutes to pretty.

SPEAKER_01:

Literally, I am 30 minutes to pretty. Why are you waking me up at six? I have a whole hour right now. But either way, so you know, if you want to enjoy one day and walk 15,000 steps around the city, the next day you know you're gonna be on your feet for you know, 13 hours. That's where the breakdown happens, and you're like, well, shoot. So yeah, I had a really uh serious crisis of the brain today, and I chose to just lay on my couch and watch um watch that next a Netflix series. So the scary one.

SPEAKER_00:

Wayward was good, and it's what you watch in the hotel business.

SPEAKER_01:

And it also wasn't scary, and you would have been fine. Okay, all right. I'll just say you know next time we travel.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, great. Um, yeah, so finding uh physical cost, um agreed. Like I think for me, when like whether I'm excited with things happening with my business or stressed, I lose I lose sleep. Um I I will wake up in the middle of the night from just adrenaline rushes and stuff, and that takes a toll on me. And then you're right that it affects how you eat, how you sleep, how you exercise, how you show up, like everything. Yeah, so success can affect you physically, good and bad, like you know, right.

SPEAKER_01:

I totally totally totally okay. How about this one? This little saying, I love this. Ready? Oh, okay. Richer in business, but poorer in personal life, the financial cost.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_01:

I cannot even remotely explain how much I can relate to this. And we have talked about this. We are blue in the face about all that it takes to own a business and the financial aspect of it. And just when you think you have it all under control and things are going great, the next problem hits. And it is every single month, if not every single week or every single day, there is a new hit and you feel like you're doing great. Um, and it's hard to get caught up sometimes. And that's where I'm at personally in my business, um, and the the hidden problems behind my success. I love it. I love my job, I love my building, I love my team. But it does get exhausting to every single week there be like a new financial issue that needs like we are in an old building, so it's a lot of updating, but even farther than that, you you're trying to get a hold on marketing, you're trying to get you have to create a new website. Um, I was just thinking, okay, the team, the Christmas party is coming up. I need to start working out for that. I would like to take my girls on a fun trip because I think team camaraderie is important right now. But that's you know, it's constant. Um, so the financial cost is one that when people start to look at you and they're like, wow, you're so successful, you're doing all these things, you must be making so much money. I'm like, yeah, you know, we're doing good. I make a lot of money, but please let me remind you, I invest it all back into my team, my building, my space, my business.

SPEAKER_00:

That's where that's that is oh, I know. Fine wallet. I felt strongly it's it's the truth though. It's like, um, yes, you have your business at the chair, but then you have your your rental business of running the salon, and those are two different, those are two different animals. And yeah, most salon owners are pouring it right back into their salon. And so the financial cost, true cost, is real. A lot of times we think like, oh, especially, and I know we keep talking about it becoming a salon owner, but even if you're someone who's gonna go rent a suite and go independent and rent that suite by yourself and pay the thousand dollars, twelve hundred dollars a month for that. That's going to you have to look at that. Like it's gonna cost you a lot more to run that business on your own. So, yes, the perceived success comes with a lot of different costs.

SPEAKER_01:

Absolutely. I love this little quote. It says, Success is beautiful, but it's not free. No, and I love that. And I think that the most important thing, the key is figuring out what version of success actually feels worth it to you. Not what Instagram says it should feel like, not what you know, society's telling us, not what our friends say, our spouses say, but what is worth it to you. And really fine tune that and don't be don't be lost in all the chaos of our world these days. Fine tune what feels worth it to you and be successful.

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